So I’m just going to step up and confess to some of the funny things all women do.

10 Funny Things All Women Do

1. When we ask, “How do I look?” There is only one acceptable answer.

2. We remove our bra the moment we get home. Then spend the next few minutes scratching the indentations caused by said bra.

3. When disrobing for a doctor’s visit, we place our underwear between our clothing, concerned that anyone might see them.

4. We stretch out the newly laundered jeans by squatting low and swinging wide.

5. We have the urge to hold onto our boobs when running up stairs to minimize the bounce.

6. We can kill 10 minutes trying to pluck the one eyebrow that simply won’t surrender.

7. We look at other ladies’ derrieres, pondering if ours looks that way too.

8. We wear the same bra for an undetermined length of time.

9. We shave our legs then ask others to feel how smooth they are.

10. We never have anything to wear, no matter how full our closets are.

Yep, that’s us!
—
You will also like 9 Awkward Moments in a Woman’s Life, Girl, It’s Perfectly OK to Just Be You, and My Most Embarrassing Moment.
#gritandgracelife

I am reminded of the week’s beginning. The triumphant entry of Jesus, in humility, seated upon a donkey as he arrives at the city of Jerusalem. Greeted as the conqueror, the expectations of those who lined the streets were high as they placed palm fronds before him, expressing their delight at his arrival.

The same people who were there to laud his entry, within a few days, were absent from his side. Walking away from the One they celebrated in confusion, some were disillusioned, others even angry.

They turned their backs upon this man whom they thought would free them from bondage to the Roman Empire. They were seeking a conqueror of governments, yet he walked this earth to conquer a much greater need—rescue from sin and death.

Passover Promises

The week progressed walking alongside his friends, these were his constant companions during the previous three years. He knew the end was near. He also knew that among those he had shared life with, one would betray him, another would deny him, and only a few would be at the foot of his cross in the moments of his highest agony.

As they celebrated Passover together, the precursor to the days that were to come, they shared what would be their last meal. As they took the bread and wine, he spoke this promise, “I tell you, I will not drink from this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom” (Matthew 26:29). Yet they knew not what that meant. Gazing upon his betrayer as the meal ended, he sent him to do what had to be done.

A short while later, in the Garden of Gethsemane, the tears rolled down the face of this conqueror. Praying because he knew what was to come. That heartbroken yet obedient cry was heard, “Father, if you are willing, please, take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet, I want your will to be done, not mine” (Luke 22:42). Three times he repeated this prayer with no answer but to continue on the path that the Son of God was sent to walk.

Pulling up from his bowed position, he walked to where his sleeping companions waited. He awakened them to a confrontation they were not expecting: surrounded by those who were sent to end the influence of this humble carpenter from Nazareth. The religious rulers of the day were threatened by him and sent the temple guards to capture him, bringing him before their leadership.

He was offered a kiss of betrayal and then taken by force to the Pharisees, the very ones who claimed to be followers of his Father. They proclaimed themselves righteous while pompously, obstinately holding onto their positions of authority over men without humbly serving the God they claimed as their own.

He was spit upon, ridiculed, and looked at with haughtiness and disdain as he faced Caiaphas, the High Priest. To complete the task they set out to do, they had no choice but to send this man to the Roman government officials, the very government from which they wanted freedom. They used the authorities they despised to rid themselves of someone they hated even more.

Standing before the governor, Pilate questioned Jesus and concluded that there were no appropriate charges for exacting punishment… causing the cries to become louder and the demands more ardent. The Jewish elite wanted no conclusion but to be done with this man. Following the custom of the Passover season, Pilate asked the people which prisoner they wanted to be set free: Jesus or Barabbas. Their choice was Barabbas, a known criminal, instead of Jesus.

He walked this earth to conquer a much greater need—rescue from sin and death.

When Pilate asked them what he should do with Jesus, they shouted, “Crucify him!” When Pilate demanded to know why—what crimes had the man committed?—yet the mob roared even louder, “Crucify him!” As Pilate saw that nothing but a riot would be accomplished, he washed his hands before the crowd and declared himself innocent of shedding Jesus’ blood.

Taking on the Weight of the World

Beaten and mocked by Roman soldiers, Jesus was then led to the cross for one final, physical act. Only Jesus, who was both fully God and fully man, could complete this mission. In doing so, he took every sin upon his shoulders. The weight of which is beyond comprehension.

His Father, the perfect God of the universe, could not look upon the sin his Son carried. As the truest of Fathers, I’m sure his heart was breaking as he had to turn away from him, closing the doors of heaven for the last breath of his Son.

The final price was paid—the final words were spoken by this conqueror, “It is finished” (John 19:30).

Those who followed him took his battered body from the cross in secret, attending to him and then carrying him to a tomb to be buried. A stone was rolled in place at the entry, and soldiers of the Roman Empire were set to guard this tomb to make sure it was indeed the end. Yet it was not.

The Best Love Story Ever Told

On the third day, two ladies he loved, Mary Magdalene and Mary, the mother of Salome and James the younger, approached the tomb. Their grief, palpable in every step they took, was replaced by dismay and confusion. Peering ahead, they saw that the stone was rolled away and the grave was empty. He was gone.

He had conquered sin; he had conquered death! He had defeated the grave so those who followed him could also. Over the next month, as he walked this Earth, their sorrow was turned to joy and their defeat into triumph as they learned he was alive. He had paid the ultimate price and made the only sacrifice that would provide the bridge between God and man.

His death and suffering was for all. He died for those who greeted him as their conqueror, only to turn their backs. He died for those who walked by his side, even though only a few followed him to the very end. He died for the one who betrayed him and for the one who denied him.

He died for the religious leaders, whose only focus was to bring about his death to retain their power. He died for the government leaders who believed his death was in their hands. He died for the soldiers, who drove the nails through his outstretched arms and ridiculed him in his dying moments. He died for the secret followers who were more concerned with the opinion of man than God.

He died for me.

As I sit and ponder this truth, I realize the price that was paid. The ultimate victory was clenched from the hands of those who intended destruction. Tearfully, I find myself so humbly thankful. It is beyond my understanding that the One who was perfect—the God of the universe—would love each of us so profoundly, so purposefully to have given his all for us. To have given his all for me.

Truly, what love is this?

—

Want to learn more about what Easter represents? Check out this podcast episode: Hope: What Easter is Really All About – 033

I grew up in a tiny Indiana town where generations of families worked their farmland or found employment in the factories for union wage. You knew the names of almost everyone in the community and also knew their “business.” As in cities large and small, there were classes of citizens, from the bank president to the school janitor. You held a position, and it was there you stayed.

In the summer, we rode our bikes for miles to the local swimming pool or dropped them at the side of the road to explore the woods, often ending our days watching the boys play little league. Yes, these were the years that girls watched and boys played. Even though those years hold so many good memories, I was a young girl filled with discontent. I wanted more than the small town. I believed a big world was out there, and my heart burned to discover it. I desired a life of adventure and purpose, neither of which I felt was in the town where my family lived.

In middle school (when I was still too young to hop in a car to explore the great unknown), I discovered my love for reading. The library in our city was a magnificent place; for me, it was the site to gain inspiration that I could become more than my circumstances dictated. There, I planted myself in the biographical aisle, choosing the stories of women before me. The stories of those who somehow changed history fought for justice and impacted the world that was theirs.

I think these ladies were inspiring then and are still worth quoting today. To celebrate Women’s History Month, I have pulled eight quotes from these brilliant women whose lives epitomized grit and grace. Their sayings have been carried through decades and are genuinely just as relevant today.

8 quotes to celebrate Women’s History Month

“There is no royal flower-strewn path to success. And if there is, I have not found it, for if I have accomplished anything in life, it is because I have been willing to work hard.”

In 1905, Madame C.J. Walker invented a line of African-American hair care products, the first to be introduced in this country. As a successful businesswoman, she eventually became one of the first American women to become a self-made millionaire. I didn’t realize how vital hair care products were to the black culture until I tried to manage the curly locks of my grandson. There is no wonder she became a millionaire! She showed us that hard work was the key to success, just as it is now.

“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.”

The story of Helen Keller has always intrigued me. She lost sight and hearing when she was only a year old, yet she became the first deaf and blind person (person, not just woman) to receive a Bachelor of Arts. With all she had against her success, it is surprising that she chose to credit optimism for her many achievements. This should be true in our lives even today. (Want to embrace optimism? Don’t miss this episode of our podcast This Grit and Grace Life: The Benefits of Optimism in the Grit and Grace Life – 025!)

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act; the rest is merely tenacity.”

You have probably heard of this lady. Amelia Earhart was an American pilot and the first woman to fly alone across the Atlantic Ocean. And not only did she do it once—in 1932, she became the first person to fly across the Atlantic twice. I think the decisions I sometimes make are difficult, but deciding to fly across the Atlantic alone is a whole new level of grit! But she did, and tenacity carried her across that vast ocean. Deciding is always our starting place. (Struggling with a decision in your grit and grace life? This episode will prepare you to act: How to Make Decisions (Even the Hard Ones) – 076!)

“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained.”

Marie Curie was a chemist, physicist, and the first woman to receive a Nobel Prize. The Nobel was first awarded to Curie for her discovery of polonium, a static-eliminating chemical that is used today in our hairbrushes, and radium, which we know to be an element used in the treatment of cancer. Not only did she earn one Nobel Prize, but this lady earned two! Born in 1867 as a woman in a man’s world, self-confidence and belief in oneself was an absolute must! Just as it is today.

“You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.”

I am not a fan of opera, but I am a fan of Beverly Sills. An American opera singer, she made her operatic debut in 1947 at the Philadelphia Civic Opera, but it was not until 1955 that she finally achieved her dream of singing with the New York City Opera. This appearance propelled her career as one of the foremost sopranos of her time. She was the epitome of “try until you succeed.” A reminder that no matter what, we have to try.

“If my critics saw me walking over the Thames, they would say it was because I couldn’t swim.”

One of my all-time favorite ladies of history, Margaret Thatcher, served as prime minister of the United Kingdom from 1979 to 1990. She battled in nearly everything she did, and was ridiculed for the changes she wanted to make to the policies of her country. Policies that proved successful, too: reversing the high unemployment and economic struggles that plagued the everyday worker. Another quote of hers I think worth adding is this: “You have to fight a battle more than once to win it.” A true inspiration to fight your battles even in the midst of the nay-sayers.

“Be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”

My all-time favorite movie, The Wizard of Oz, starred the young Judy Garland. Star of the stage and screen, she became a movie icon. But she was also an actress who was used by an industry, which caused her great heartache. She had challenges in relationships and life but learned that it was imperative that she be the best of exactly who she was, no one else. An understanding that each of us should daily declare, “I will be the first-rate version of me.”

“What you do makes a difference. And you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.”

Not only did she protect the chimpanzees, but Jane Goodall also led the way in helping us understand the beauty of protecting the world God gave us. Her study began with the Kasakela chimpanzee community in Gombe Stream National Park in Tanzania in 1960. But this lady not only conducted scientific research, she also gave the chimpanzees names, like Fifi and David Graybeard! What’s not to love about that! Ours may not be the path to live with chimpanzees (although it could be fun), but we can make a difference in this world. It is just upon us to decide what exactly that difference will be.

There are so many more women of history who can inspire and make us believe in ourselves. Listen to their words, read their stories, then start your adventure. It may be in the lives of your family, your community, your country, or your culture. Whether it’s in the small town you live or crossing the equator to adventures in lands you have never seen, find your purpose, then make your mark. Be encouraged: ladies before us have done it. We can, too!

—

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: This Is Why Women’s History Month Still Matters – 080!

While other industries blend talents to accomplish their goals, the production and delivery of an art form made the need for diversity of abilities glaringly obvious. Like individual personalities planning for a big event, it also created friction.

It all begins with the Creator.

The initial delivery of any art form comes from the creator. In this case, that is a musician who was, well, creative. The unique nature of an individual who holds those talents, whether in music or a new invention, also determines if time and financial restraints clash with their creative process. These individuals primarily view their product through the prism of art or design, not as a product to be sold, marketed, or promoted. Putting them into any box, whether it was a deadline or budget, was challenging at best. It was a tough realization that to work in the field they loved, those realities had to be in play. It was “the how” that was by and large beyond the scope of their natural talents.

You’ve got to take care of business.

The business side ran on a timeline, legal parameters, and financial restraints to execute the sale and delivery of the creation. To begin the process, it required the dreaded lawyer, although I have to say that I worked with some wonderful ones. We needed those who possessed analytical and exacting talents to protect the creation. In party terms, they would be the individuals who reviewed the deals on the venue and the caterer and set the seating chart to make sure everything was set up ahead of time to have a great night.

It was the collection of all the team players that enabled us to flourish.

Providing the fanfare.

The talents of the marketing team fell somewhere between the artistic and the more traditional business roles, like deadlines and budgeting. They possessed the ability to create a great marketing plan, design it, and execute it. Like designing and producing the invitation for a great party with the correct addresses and timely delivery, the marketing team had to ensure all elements were implemented to achieve the most significant impact.

Can’t forget the details.

The talents held in the accounting and financial departments of the music business always appeared to be the most polar opposite of the creative. It was often in meetings where all entities were participating that I felt like I was called upon to interpret between two individuals who spoke a different language.

When one would speak, the other had a blank stare and vice versa. Finance requires boxes to place things in and a structure that makes sense—rarely an emotional skill. Creativity is quite the opposite: the fluidity of thought, and emitting emotion and passion in the work they create. But like the control of the party budget, to prevent it from being blown on one great event, financial talents are essential to control the costs of the creation so the creator can survive to create again.

The buck stops here.

Finally, there is always the individual whose task is creating cohesion and guidance in the process. That duty lies within those whose natural abilities provide leadership. These are the people who are in charge, whose responsibility is to take each creation from concept to marketplace. It is their duty to identify, assemble, and encourage every talent in their diverse team. If it goes well, they often get more credit than they deserve, and if it goes poorly, they also get the blame.

They aren’t there merely to lord dominance; instead, their role is that of a cheerleader, supporter, and even a disciplinarian. When the process gets off track, it is theirs to set right. If it’s running too fast, it’s theirs to slow down. And if it’s going too slow, it’s theirs to speed up. They are tasked with the big picture, championing the beginning of the process and envisioning the end. Like the one who states, “We’re going to have a party,” they identify the people who should attend, assign and oversee tasks, and finalize it by being the party’s emcee. Their responsibility is ultimately the event itself, and making sure that it’s a good night.

When it’s all working together the magic happens.

Each of these roles is vital. Missing any one of these essential talents when having a goal to accomplish will short-change the outcome. Not recognizing the worth and importance of each person and the skills they bring saps the strength from the final product. To succeed, it requires that we offer respect and appreciation to all those involved.

What is right in the music business or the successful execution of a party is the same in every workplace. You may doubt that your talent has worth. I say that is entirely untrue! No matter where you land in the talent spectrum, you are indispensable. Even though the performers received the applause, signed the autographs, and were recognized in airports, their role was no more important than the rest of the team. The reason they had the privilege of standing on that stage and sharing their craft was that they surrounded themselves with a group of individuals whose talents were different than theirs. It was through that diversity that they could accomplish things they were not capable of on their own.

So, wherever life takes you, whether that’s in the workplace, volunteering, or attending to family responsibilities, surround yourself with a diverse team. They will make you better, you will make them better, and the final product will be one worth celebrating. And remember this: it could never have been done without you!

—

#gritandgracelife

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: 5 Things a Woman Must Do for Success in Life – 040

The feelings of uncertainty, fear, and even hopelessness ebb and flow weekly, even daily. We didn’t know it when the shift began in the spring of 2020, but the world as we have known it has been altered. I don’t see that becoming any less true in the days ahead.

How to Find Hope When the World Seems Crazy

Yet, I am not without hope. I have lived long enough to recognize God’s presence in our world even when the clamor surrounding us makes Him seem so very distant. It’s when we look to Him that we find that hope. God has been among His people in all of history, and He is still here today.

What we need to rest in is that even though the world has changed, God has not. We should choose to follow His pattern, not the world’s.

Whatever this world throws our way, God has something so much better…

This world creates anger; God offers grace.
This world views us as collectives; God views us as individuals.
This world desires conformity; God offers transformation.
This world interprets our actions; God understands our hearts.
This world produces fear; God gives us peace.
This world expects perfection; God loves us as we are.
This world requires we go to them; God comes to us.
This world condemns; God redeems.
This world divides; God unifies.
This world is fickle; God is faithful.

The light God offers this world removes the darkness and dispels shadows, replacing it with joy. As those who follow Him, we should reflect that light as well. Displaying all of what God is to a changing world that needs Him deeply.

Suppose we can be those people and offer that light. Then perhaps what was said of Paul and Silas in the book of Acts will be said of us: “These men who have turned the world upside down, have now come here.”1

To turn the world upside down, disrupting the clamor of this world and infusing the promise of something better by sharing God’s unfailing love. And if we do, it can settle the storms surrounding us and bring hope to this ever-changing world, to those who so desperately need it, now more than ever.

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Where does God come in when life is difficult and society seems to be in turmoil? In this podcast episode, Darlene and Julie discuss all the ways that we can co-exist as strong women who look to God in their day-to-day: Grit and Grace, but What About God? – 105

We sometimes doubt if God will still intervene for us when we feel like we’re just a mess. Watch this video, and be encouraged that God indeed loves messy people…

However, the mother of a child in the midst of middle school anxiety needs every little bit of help available when she sends her “just yesterday they started school” child out the door…knowing full well that today might possibly be the day that her sweet baby is devoured by the middle school monster. So instead of just biting your own nails in empathy, find a few unemotional moments with your middle schooler (yes, they still exist) and walk through a few of the helpful tips below. If you do, you may end up saving them from a monster or two.

Tip Number 1

The lunch cafeteria is the vast desert land of insecurity. It will take some pre-planning on your child’s part, but suggest they make plans to sit with their friends at lunchtime before the lunch period arrives. There’s nothing more awkward than having to sit by total strangers with nothing to say. It’s also a good idea to encourage your child to be friendly with the students who sit near them in class. That way they will have a few more familiar faces they can sit with in the lunchroom if their friends cannot be found.

Tip Number 2

Trying new things can be extra scary at this age, but a new hobby or sport might just be the place where they find new relationships that last through high school. Encourage your student to sign up for new clubs and sports; it’s always easier to do so with a friend, but challenge them to step out of their comfort zone even if their friends won’t join them.

Tip Number 3

Buy a combination lock, teach your child how to use it, help them practice so there are no awkward moments it just won’t open. As soon as they get their locker combination help them  them memorize it. Doing so will help them feel confident when they start using their locker multiple times a day. There’s nothing worse than when you can’t get to your books in order to get to your next class, creating the domino effect of embarrassment from peer to janitor to teacher. You might want to suggest they keep their locker organized so that they can find what they are looking for in the three minutes available. But that may be asking too much…

Although it’s a season of life that most of us are glad to leave behind, there’s just something about sharing those vivid, awkward memories of middle school anxiety that makes us both laugh and cringe all at the same time.

Tip Number 4

Push your student to learn their schedule, help them chart a route, and make sure they have what they need for class. If your child is just beginning middle school and is late to class, they might get a pass from the teachers the first week, but after that, all bets are off. If they start off on the right foot, they won’t have those second-week confrontations that every student wants to avoid. If you can get into the school over summer break, it’s not a bad idea to take a trip over there and walk around to help your child become acquainted with the building and hallways.

Tip Number 5

Homework is not optional. Elementary school may let missing assignments slide, but that’s not going to happen in middle school. If you haven’t yet, this is the time to start letting them sink or swim on their own. No more checking in to make sure they have done what they know to do.

Tip Number 6

Teachers are not the enemy. They may expect more, and the work is more difficult, but if your child needs help, encourage them to ask. Most teachers are there to teach; they want your student to learn and will do what they can to see that happen.

Tip Number 7

They can do this. Encourage, encourage, encourage. They may roll their eyes and shrug their shoulders, but if their parents believe they are capable, it helps them believe it too.

Remember, middle school is a great training ground for life. So let your child enter this boot camp; it will help prep them for future life success. Be their biggest and best cheerleader, because there will be some days when they will certainly need one.

—
Looking for more articles for parents of teens? Start here:

What Your Kids Get When You Let Them Fail
A Letter to My Preteen Son, I See You Finding Your Way
I Survived the Middle School Meltdown, So Can You!
5 Tips to Manage the Teen Years

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Don’t miss this recent podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life—it’s just for you, Mom! Stop the Mommy Wars: Every Mom Is Doing Something Right – 045!

The mother of a new middle school student needs every little bit of help available when she sends her “just yesterday they started school” child out the door for the first time…

There is one lady that exhibited these qualities in life, one that holds a place of honor in every Christmas Nativity. Sitting calmly aside an infant in a manger placed in a stable filled with animals, I’m not really sure today’s depiction is realistic. If you had birthed a baby in essentially a barn, amidst straw and animals, you probably would not be perfectly coiffed. Joyous but weary, not only from the long trip you made nine months pregnant abreast a donkey, but also suffering through a natural birth with no epidural. I believe disheveled and spent would be a bit more accurate.

Yet Mary, the mother of Jesus, personifies a gracious woman. If we take the time to not just pass by the Nativity but peer into the pages that are written with her often mentioned, we find a much more complex life. She lived a life with challenges, without all of the answers, and like the rest of us: one day at a time. It was how she handled the circumstances she faced that exemplifies why she is and should be honored.

I want to give you a little backstory on this female whose image has probably been depicted more than any other in history. A distant view would make one think there was very little we women could relate to. This is absolutely not true.

Who Was Mary?

You may know that Mary lived in Nazareth of Galilee, but did you know that this small town was considered “the other side of the tracks?” When Nathanael of Cana, (an important man of the times) said of Jesus “what good can come out of Galilee?” it’s because the people that lived there were looked down upon. There was little value placed upon who they were or what they did. They were considered unimportant and easily dismissed.

She also was a peasant girl. Possessing very little, she worked hard for what she did have, living a life without luxury or convenience. Nothing grand about this lady; hers was a simple life, living daily to make ends meet. When she was chosen to bear the Son of God, it was not because of what she could give him. But she was chosen for a reason: she would give her son the most important thing in life, her willing heart.

The way she conducted her life makes her a lady of honor and sets her apart. Stop to ponder that through all of human history, this was the young lady that God chose to bear His Child. Mary was His choice. We do a disservice if we discount that truth. She was a lady like us, but throughout her life, she showed the character that I believe warranted that choice.

A Life-Changing Announcement

The first glimpse into the nature of this woman was demonstrated when she received the initial announcement of Christ’s birth. Imagine being a young teen approached by an angel who tells you you’re going to have a baby, not just any baby—but God’s? She had been raised caring for animals in an era where sex education wasn’t necessary; it was simply a fact of life. What she was being told by someone she had never met before was not biologically possible.

“In the sixth month, the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city of Galilee named Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. And the virgin’s name was Mary.

And he came to her then said, ‘Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!’ But she was greatly troubled, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be.

And the angel said to her, ‘Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.'” (Luke 1:26-33)

All right, stop the clocks! First, an angel shows up to talk to you and tells you you’ve found favor, so don’t be afraid. I don’t think I’d merely be troubled; it would be more likely that I’d be running out the door with a “Who is this crazy guy?” coming out of my mouth! But this young lady stayed, giving the time it would take to discern what sort of greeting she had just received and why. Talk about grace!

Then he repeated that she had found favor with God. This must have been an important point. Who wouldn’t want favor with God? She would become pregnant with the Son of the Most High that would rule forever. Sounds like a lofty and noble honor bestowed upon this girl. It was. The Bible does state she was blessed among women, but this blessing did not come without a price.

Pregnant with the Savior

Let’s look into her place in life, being pregnant in her time, within her culture when not even married. She was betrothed to a man named Joseph. This meant her family, and his had made an agreement, or a contract, that these two were going to wed. She would marry him as a virgin, not having been with another man. The families most likely exchanged gifts and were in the waiting period, looking forward to the day they were to be joined.

How was she going to explain this to her friends, her family, Joseph’s family, and Joseph, the man she was supposed to marry? At that moment, she had every reason to believe that all would shun her. The community would disdain her, her family would turn their backs, and the man she was to marry would walk away, leaving this child to be raised fatherless. There was even more at stake than a ruined reputation: The culture of the day allowed the stoning of unwed mothers. She would not only lose her reputation, but she could potentially lose her life.

Yet the angel, Gabriel, told her she had found favor. I think it serves us well to realize that difficult life events viewed only from the side of the difficulties don’t give the entire story. We must always understand that in all things, there is a purpose; we must be confident there is always hope, even when we can’t see it.

It would not have been from the view of the peaceful Nativity that Mary lived for the next several months. I feel pretty confident that as her pregnancy became apparent, there were ladies looking down upon her and talking behind her back. Even as we find later in the account that Joseph was a kind man, she faced his understandable removal from their arrangement.

He first committed to quietly walking away from the betrothal to be told by God there was another side to the story. Believing he became her husband after the birth of Christ and cared for this baby as a father should. There would be no stretch of the imagination to think she would have dealt with the scorn in her community no matter what Joseph or others who loved her said.

A Woman of Faith and Honor

In a complete contradiction to human understanding, she found herself in a place of honor. I believe this was given to her because she believed and she was willing. Her next response did not consider the what-ifs, did not react to the tongue-waggers of the neighborhood, but was led by pure faith in the God she served. Augustine once said of this lady, “Mary first conceived Christ in her heart by faith before she conceived in the womb.”

“And Mary said to the angel, ‘How will this be, since I am a virgin?’ And the angel answered her, ‘The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be called holy—the Son of God. And behold, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son, and this is the sixth month with her who was called barren. For nothing will be impossible with God.’

And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.’ And the angel departed from her.” Luke 1:34-38

Mary was not without some common sense here. The obvious question: but I’m a virgin! The explanation he gave was perhaps a bit difficult to comprehend, but I love that he followed up with a touch of relatable. He told her something that was until that time unknown: Her relative Elizabeth was going to have a baby.

The family knew well that Elizabeth and Zechariah wanted children but could not have them. They were well advanced in age at this point in the story and never would. This was a game-changer. What a perfect stepping stone to expand one’s faith, finding out that God had already done the impossible.

Mary ended this conversation well. She said, I’m all in. She didn’t say perhaps I’m kind of on board. She didn’t state that there were contingencies to be met for her to be comfortable before she agreed. This lady said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word” (Luke 1:38).

This meant she accepted as truth what she had just been told. She agreed to take the road ahead, even knowing its potential difficulty. This amazing young lady agreed to live through all that was asked of her willingly. Truly, Mary, the mother of Christ, was a lady of honor—one we would do well to learn from, a great example to us all.

(Original artwork by Simon Dewey.)

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If you’re curious to learn more about who God is, start here: Grit and Grace, but What About God? – 105.

You see, I love Christmas. I put up our tree on August 1st (will explain later) and started playing Christmas music on November 1st because it was time to finish decorating the rest of the house, which includes a second tree, more lights, garland, electric candles (I am truly capable of burning the house down), nativities (yes, there are multiple), a Santa hat on my rattan flamingo, and yes, more.

The words the pastor spoke were good, and I know that reexamining my heart is part of a healthy faith life. So I listened. As I did, I agreed with what he said: Christ should be the priority and subject of our celebration. But I still love decorating, lights, and the beauty of this season.

So afterward, I turned off the radio to ponder my love of Christmas and everything I did to prepare for that special day. Were they reflective of Jesus or a distraction from the purpose for the season?

Christmas Tree in August?

My oldest grandson, now 10, has helped me decorate our tree for the last five years. When we hung ornaments, I allowed him to climb a ladder (don’t worry, I was standing behind him). We would turn on Christmas music and, at times, sing along, laugh, celebrate, and take joy in this rite of passage from Halloween to Christmas. We never skipped Thanksgiving; it is simply an intermission.

This year, he and his mother were moving 700-plus miles away from us, and they would be gone by the first week of August. The packing was complete for the truck to be loaded when I asked him if he would like to put up the Christmas tree before they left.

His resounding “YES” confirmed what I suspected. He needed one more memory of the place he was leaving. This transition was challenging, exciting, and scary. So, we put up the tree. Why? Because I wanted to care for him and meet his needs as his life was changing.

It was while on the cross that Jesus said one thing that seemed out of context with everything else he spoke. One of the last things He did on this earth was to care for someone He loved. Fulfilling a need that he couldn’t leave this earth without addressing. Seeing his mother standing beside the disciple he loved not far from the cross where he died, he said this.

“‘Dear woman, here is your son.’ And he said to this disciple, ‘Here is your mother.’ And from then on, this disciple took her into his home.” John 19:26-27

Too Many Ornaments to Count

My tree is 10-feet tall, laden with memories on nearly every branch. Throughout my adult life, I have purchased ornaments attached to more than 40 years of trips, births, life events, and celebrations. There are ornaments my daughters (and their kids) made for me when they were little. Purchased for any event I wanted to remember, making sure that even if the details faded, it would still trigger an imprint on my heart.

As we place the ornaments on the tree, we look back at the richness of the life we have led. We remember the hard times that forced the getaway trip to recover and refresh—reminded of good years and years that have been challenging, celebrating after losing someone we love, seasons of health problems, business challenges, and financial struggles. But in each hanging of the ornament, we are inevitably thankful.

God has seen us through good and bad times, and He’s been faithful in ways we could never have understood before we experienced them. These ornaments are a perfect reminder of where our joy, strength, and hope came from.

“Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.” Colossians 2:7

Throwing a Party

Each year, we have the extended family and “not family” family in our home. We eat, we laugh, we draw numbers, and steal each other’s gifts (we actually buy good ones, which makes it even more robbery-prone), ending the day by eating more and pulling out the stack of board games for this competitive bunch.

We pray before our meal, but this is not a devotional Bible study event. We are more inclined to prod and make fun of each other as the day progresses, thoroughly enjoying this celebration and treasuring our rare time together.

It was a wedding celebration where Jesus performed his first miracle. Anyone who has seen or participated in a Jewish wedding knows that Jewish people understand celebration! As a Jewish man, Jesus certainly joined in, dancing, eating, and laughing with those he loved. He must love surrounding Himself with His family as much as I do because He intends to celebrate with us, His children, again when this world comes to an end. This event will be the party of parties.

“Then the angel said to me, ‘Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!’ And he added, ‘These are the true words of God.’” Revelation 19:9

Where Is Jesus in the Celebration?

In our current culture, there’s pushback about how much Jesus should be in our celebration. Or if He needs to be in it at all. That’s OK; there’s been pushback for centuries. But that should not deter us from placing Christ front and center as we celebrate.

I have a nativity in my front yard. It’s a good size and looks quite lovely. I contemplated purchasing one of those 5-foot-tall Fontanini Nativities that you often see outside Catholic Churches. When I told my husband it was a mere $6,000.00, he squashed that rather quickly. Righfully so.

But this is the season to show my faith. When clerks say “Happy Holidays,” I say “Merry Christmas.” They often relax and repeat it. They’re under a lot of pressure, so be nice to them.

The songs of the season include Mariah Carey and Silent Night. Often heard in the background of many places we shop, Christ is proclaimed. So, let’s take advantage of this season to remind others why we celebrate, whether through song, greeting, or a nativity in your front yard.

“Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven.” Matthew 10:32

Lights in the Darkness

Have you ever wondered why we drive through neighborhoods looking at Christmas lights? There is a neighborhood near us where you literally have to get behind a long winding line of cars to slowly pass splendidly decorated homes throughout the community. Some are funny, some tell a story, and there are a few nativities, with arches of lights across entire streets. We smile, laugh, and point throughout the 35-minute journey.

Why? Light brings us joy. Whether we realize it or not, in this setting, it exemplifies the one we serve. Light in the darkness.

In this season, we have an excellent opportunity to be that. By the gifts we give. But not just to those we know and love. To children who don’t have, and some whose parents are in prison. To wounded warriors struggling, or the organizations that help them. Dropping something in the red kettle as we pass the bell ringer, or joining volunteers in the homeless shelter.

“In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.” Matthew 5:1

Am I Celebrating Christmas or Christ?

After searching my own heart, I realize I easily get caught up in the “to-dos” of the season. But that doesn’t mean I am celebrating Christmas. Not if I look at the why of what I do and place Christ at the center of each moment, each celebration, and encounter with those around me.

This Christmas, as we embrace this special season, let’s do this:

• Care well for those around us and meet their needs.
• Be thankful for every season of life God has given and how He has met us along the way.
• Celebrate with family, as we look toward the ultimate celebration with our Savior.
• Be bold about the faith in the one who came to die for us, not just at Christmas but every day.
• Take this time to be that light in the darkness, as Jesus is to us.

So may I say “Merry Christmas to All,” knowing we are celebrating the beginning of the work Christ came to accomplish on this earth. To fulfill his purpose as he walked this earth, to die, rise again so we can celebrate a faith we did not earn.

As I reflect on my own heart, I am going to wring every moment out of this Christmas, knowing that He really is the reason for this season and all that it brings.

Looking to start some family traditions? Here are a few to get you started:

1. Fill a jar from Thanksgiving to January 1 with special notes for each family member. Write one note a week to tell them something about them you treasure. On January 1, each member takes the notes written to them to begin the new year knowing their worth.

2. Decorate your tree with ornaments purchased from milestones in life or moments in time: marriage, baby shower, a vacation to the beach, a trip to the zoo…it becomes your life’s journey hung on the tree.

3. Get in the car in your pajamas with flavored popcorn and hot chocolate and drive through the decorated neighborhoods, taking in all the great Christmas lights.

4. Make candy or cookies then choose a group of people that you want to know are appreciated—hospital nurses, the local fire department, or police station. Bring your family to deliver the goods.

5. Choose a favorite family meal to enjoy each year, from breakfast pancakes to big pots of chili—just make it your own.

6. Keep a Christmas diary. Each year write a short summary of the year including highlights of the holidays.

7. Read the Christmas story from the book of Luke before you open gifts, putting all things in perspective.

Take these, add a few of your own, and create those traditions that your family will treasure…lasting from generation to generation.

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You might be a little stressed out thinking of the crowds, expenses and, let’s face it, those family members as you start this holiday season! No fear—Darlene and Julie cover ways that you can relax and still enjoy the holidays: Stop the Holiday Hustle: Celebrate More, Stress Less – 064

We are a diverse community of women, each with our unique life experiences, who seek to follow the call in Titus 2:3-5: to walk alongside other women and teach others through our life experiences. We have felt the power of these conversations ourselves, as recipients of others’ stories that have sparked in us strength, meaningful advice, and encouragement.

Our prayer is that the hard-earned wisdom we share in everything we do removes some of the guesswork from life, offering courage and clarity for the road ahead. Most importantly, it inspires a passion to follow Christ, the greatest source of our strength.

Donate this Giving Tuesday, 2025

We need your support to keep doing what we are doing. The cost of producing podcasts, building and maintaining our website and publishing new books to address the hurt women have only comes with support for people like you. If you want to join us as we walk with the strong women and those who want to be, we would welcome your donation. The 100% match begins today Tuesday December 2nd and will remain through December 8th.

But we couldn’t avoid it this year. We desperately needed a parent’s guide to Halloween, but there wasn’t one. Our daughter wanted to dress up; she wanted to grab a bucket and get some of that great stuff people were giving away.

Looking at her dad, she began to lobby. I saw his ready-to-throw-down look pass across his face and the set in his jaw I had come to know well. They were on a collision course. She started crying, and before it went any further I called a time-out.

I needed to assist in sorting through the emotions of the two strongest willed humans within our home. My husband and I needed a time-out too. We needed to figure out what our stance should be. So I sent our daughter to her room, got my husband a cup of coffee, and we sat down to talk.

Pinpoint Your Values

This was one of many discussions we had as parents where we had to sort through what really mattered to us, which often ran counter to what the culture was inserting into our children’s lives. We learned that we had to figure out how to be on the same page in order to find solutions that worked.

I completely agreed with my husband that evil in many forms is celebrated on this holiday. But that was not our daughter’s viewpoint. She wanted to be a princess. Actually—she wanted to be a princess every day—this was just one day she could make sure the world knew she was!

We talked about the long road. What was it about this night that we hated? What parts could our family participate in while excluding ourselves from the things we did not like? Was there anything fundamentally wrong with joining friends, going to neighbors’ homes, and gathering that candy? Was there anything unsafe about an evening spent in this manner?

Our Parent’s Guide to Halloween

It was a session of give and take between two parents who wanted to set a principled example, while at the same time allowing our girl to feel like she was a part of the world around her. We concluded our conversation, then brought her into the room to give her the verdict. She could become another “trick or treater”—that is, if she was willing to do it on our terms:

• No costume could ever display anything inappropriate… whether it was an elementary-aged witch or an immodest teenage version of a costume (we didn’t discuss the latter at 4 years old; it was a conversation for another day). This was an easy one for her that year; being a princess was it for her.

• She would only go where we took her… the homes and locations of our choosing. Her horizon was limited—no problem there.

• Once back home, candy would be sorted through by us first, so we could determine if there were any pieces she could not have. She wasn’t sure about that one, but if it got her out the door she was in.

She vigorously agreed to all the terms. We ran out and got her costume, grabbed the flashlight, and began what became our annual neighborhood candy gathering.

Need to Make a Parenting Decision? Start a Healthy Dialogue

What became interesting over the years is that the rules created at that moment led to future discussions with our daughters about making life choices in the world in which we live. We had many healthy dialogues in our family on gleaning good things out of life’s events and removing those we thought should be left behind.

This was also one of many discussions like this between my husband and me. Navigating children from birth to independence brings an abundance of influences that parents have to sort through. But for this holiday, create your own parent’s guide to Halloween.

Sometimes he would take the hard line; other times I did. But we discovered something that worked every time we tried it: Send the kids out of the room, grab a cup of coffee, and start up the conversation. Each time we did we made each other better, becoming a wonderful counterbalance to whichever one of us was slightly off scale. We made decisions that we could stand behind—united—with the goal of giving our daughters our very best.

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You’ll enjoy this episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Rest Easy Moms, Here Are the Things That Matter – 102!

The unspoken definition of a woman’s true beauty often appears on the cover of magazines in the grocery store checkout aisle.  Gracing the pages is a photo-shopped image of an already nearly perfect-looking human being. The flawless skin, sparkling eyes, not a hair out of place, and unrealistic body type make me want just to turn every magazine backward, so we don’t have to endure. Social media is even worse.

But having lived quite some time, walking alongside many women, I can honestly say that’s not the beauty I am drawn to. That is not to diminish the value of the physically beautiful women in our lives. Trust me, they really do have their own challenges, often insecure like every one of us.

The definition of beauty in Merriam-Webster Dictionary is this: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit. The assumption in our culture is that the definition is speaking of a quality that is physical, but that’s not what it says. The definition reads “qualities … that gives pleasure to the senses or exalts the mind or spirit.”

True Beauty is in What We Do

What brings me pleasure or inspires me in both mind and spirit, is watching a woman of strength in action. A woman who is steeled to confront the challenges she is facing or standing with those she loves.

Strength is defined as this: the quality or state of being strong; capacity for exertion or endurance; power to resist force; a legal, logical, or moral force. It sounds impressive, doesn’t it? And many days, unachievable.

But strength is not living in a state of perpetual endurance, power, and moral force. Strength is discovered in the desperation of hopelessness. It resides in the seasons of grief; it lives in the land of disappointment. Never are we to allow ourselves to believe the only show of strength is when we dismiss the pain of life. It is walking through the pain of life that our strength is created.

It is foolishness to believe the blows of life that hit will have no impact. They will hurt, need time to heal, and will leave scars. But we must remember that strength will be found in the process and scars are there as a reminder of the strength you gained.

When betrayal has come from someone you love, you will learn strength. You will learn strength when you lose your job or financial challenges create an undertow. When your child has run headlong into dangerous places with people who you know will bring harm, you will learn strength. When you think you have no more to give, there will be found strength on the horizon.

True Beauty Takes Time

It does not come easily; it is rarely instantaneous.

Real strength requires time. Real strength requires real life. Real strength is gained through life’s experience and is perfected when you reach the other side. In those days when it feels impossible, I can assure you that you will reach the other side in time.

Nothing is more beautiful than a woman of strength who has already traversed a difficult life road and then reaches out to one who is just beginning. Nothing is more beautiful than a woman with life scars who cradles another who is receiving the blows that create them.

True Beauty Brings Hope

Nothing is more beautiful than a woman of strength who offers hope because she has found it to one caught in the undertow of finances or job loss. Nothing is more beautiful than a woman of strength who will love their child unconditionally despite their questionable life choices.

The understanding and compassion in the eyes of a strong woman will create in others hope. It makes others believe there is life after. Strength is the truest quality of our real beauty and the one that should grace every cover of every magazine. It would come in all shapes and sizes, with perfect skin and without. Unlike the physical qualities of the ladies who pose for these covers, it is one that we all can possess. True beauty will forever “give pleasure to the senses, exalting both the mind and the spirit.” It is a beauty that will never fade.

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For other articles with encouragement as a strong woman, check out:

A Woman of Grit Without a Hard Heart
Anatomy of a Strong Woman
How to Become the Woman You Want to Be
Bible Verses From the Grit and Grace Team on Self-Worth

Don’t miss these popular articles:

10 Behaviors Found in the Inspired Woman
6 Ways to Love the Addict in Your Life
A Really Different Kind of Family
When Life Gives You a New Normal
Battered Faith: Holding on to Hope Even When You Struggle
#gritandgracelife

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Are You a Strong Woman of Grit and Grace?

Unfortunately, the rate of loss due to suicide continues to rise, affecting countless lives and leaving deep emotional scars. Many of us find ourselves either grappling with this tragedy firsthand or knowing someone who has endured it. The impact is far-reaching, touching the hearts of many.

Craving Companionship in My Grief

In the depths of my grief, I craved the companionship of someone who genuinely understood my suffering—someone who had walked the same path. The confusion, anger, and guilt I battled were sometimes unbearable, especially without a confidant to share my struggles. I often felt isolated, unsure how to voice my pain without adding to the hurt of others who were suffering alongside me. Engaging with those who either offered silence or overwhelmed me with well-intentioned but misguided words only made it more challenging.

These experiences inspired me to become that compassionate presence for others facing similar painful journeys. I can truly relate because I have lived it myself.

Has Suicide Touched Your Life?

In my book, When Suicide Touches Your Life, I lay bare my story and the raw struggles, the problems I faced along the way and the steps I took to work toward healing. And within the pages, there are several sections left blank so you can do the same.

I found hope through this journey, and my deepest desire is that my candidness helps others feel less isolated. More than anything, I pray my words lead you toward the same healing and hope I found.

Whether you are walking the path I walked or know someone who is, I have written the book I wish I had after losing my father. May my journey back into this painful chapter of my life help all who need someone who has been there.

∼ Darlene Brock

What others are saying about When Suicide Touches Your Life:

Dr. Zoe Shaw, Psychotherapist, Author of Stronger in the Difficult Places, and A Year of Self Care:
“Grief after suicide is a unique and disorienting kind of loss—filled with pain, guilt, blame, unanswered questions, and often, silence. In When Suicide Touches Your Life, Darlene Brock steps into that silence with empathy, experience, and profound honesty. Her story becomes a lifeline for those who are left behind trying to make sense of the unimaginable.

As a psychotherapist, I’ve sat with many clients who carry the complicated grief of suicide loss. Resources like this one are rare—gentle in tone, grounded in truth, and spacious enough for sorrow and healing to coexist. Darlene doesn’t rush you through the pain; she walks beside you, showing that peace is possible even in the aftermath of heartbreak.

This guidebook is more than an I’ve been there story—it’s a companion for those navigating the darkest valleys. With journal prompts, spiritual insight, and lived wisdom, it honors both the weight of your grief and the strength it takes to heal.

The Smart Living in Small Bites series continues to meet women right where they are—with honesty, hope, and deep compassion. This book is a gift for anyone whose life has been touched by suicide.”

Seven-time GRAMMY® Award-winning recording artist TobyMac: “Darlene Brock was one of the early influences on my professional music career. I was a young artist and ready to carve out a path when she came alongside of me and began to guide me regarding all the ins and outs of the music industry.

Darlene and I both have experienced loss in this world and have had to walk down some really hard roads on this journey called life. She has taken her painful experiences and her practical wisdom as she has created a series of guidebooks called Smart Living in Small Bites to let women who are going through difficult times know that they are not alone, and that there are others they can walk with and share their burdens.”  

Listen to Darlene’s story in this Smart Living with Grit and Grace podcast episode: When Suicide Touches Your Life – 239

The success of this publication was completely unpredicted by the reviewers, booksellers, and industry at large. What they didn’t understand is that there is within every one of us a desire to find our purpose.

The Innate Desire to Have a Purpose

Who really wants to live this life simply performing the tasks before us? Each day feeling like the last, with the alarm ringing to interrupt the only peaceful time in many of our days, we start again. We shut off that nuisance of a sound, often after multiple snooze hits, to roll out of bed and begin our routine. Our morning lists are diverse and may include nudging the spouse in bed to make sure he gets in the shower when you’re out, or several attempts at waking the children.

We shove food in mouths so no one leaves without breakfast, often forgetting to grab something for ourselves before heading out to the pay-our-bills job. We might load the kids in the car or herd them to the bus stop before coming back to the mess left behind. We might be the only breadwinner in the household, hoping the next pay raise will actually cover all the bills, and then arrive home to find a mess at the end of the day.

Whether we are single, married, with or without children, our daily grind can seem without purpose. Simply a grind. When we get a minute to breathe, we just might wonder what it’s all for and whether or not we are making a difference in life.

Finding Your Purpose in the Beauty of Every Day

Do I have a purpose?

The answer is a resounding yes! You absolutely do. A good portion of that purpose is probably exactly what you are doing. Part of finding your purpose is recognizing the significance of your every day.

The job you have serves to provide you with what you need to live, but it can also be something that fills a part of your life’s purpose. Are you in a job suited to your talents and abilities? If not, spend some time discovering and developing those to one day gain a position that is. Each of us is unique in our talents and there are needs that only we can fill in the job market.

Part of finding your purpose is recognizing the significance of your every day.

We spend an enormous amount of our life in the workplace where we have co-workers we are sharing life with. Do we invest in them? Encourage them? Support them? There is a great and often surprising purpose in those relationships.

If you are raising children, you are molding the future. You are not just feeding the future, grounding it from electronics, or buying future clothes every six months because their pants are two inches too short—you are shaping it. The children in your home will determine what the world looks like 30 years from now.

This statement is not to create terror in every mother’s heart. The future will not be perfect, neither is the mom. My goal is to provide hope, especially for the hard days. Your investment in that demanding two-year-old, the math-confused elementary age child, or the angry 13-year-old has purpose. Your time, energy, and commitment matter more than you know.

Purpose Is Fluid

This thing we call purpose is seasonal too. You may be single, married, or alone again, there is purpose to be found even in your heartbreaks. Motherhood changes with every age and season of your child’s life—in all, purpose will be found. Jobs change, we relocate from city to city, friends enter and sometimes leave, and in each season there is purpose.

Not only is purpose found in our every day, but we can also discover purposes outside of our lives. We read of destruction around the world; how can we help? Are there organizations we can join or support who are meeting that need?

Our local community has needs: food banks, homeless shelters, foster children needing a place to lay their heads, homes for domestic violence victims. What do they need from us? Can we volunteer, can we provide resources? Do you have a friend with an autistic child who could use a hand? Do you love someone going through a divorce or suffering from cancer? Is there a helping hand we can lend? A night of childcare? A meal to be prepared?

Instead of hitting that snooze button with a huge sigh of here we go again, may we instead say, “Today my life has purpose.” I am nudging that spouse, fixing that breakfast, and hitting the door for my job because what I am doing really matters. Each day of my life has purpose. I will wring the life out of that purpose and I will add to it to help others. I will discover every talent within me to make the most of every opportunity, knowing that my life matters. I am here to make a difference in this world. That I will do, and I will do it well.

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For more content encouraging a strong sense of purpose, listen to this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: 5 Things a Woman Must Do for Success in Life – 040

Loneliness has plagued all of us through time, sometimes leaving us feeling lost for a few hours or a few days. In other seasons, we may discover we awaken each morning and end each day with a chronic hurt and ache that lay within the feeling of aloneness.

What surprised me most in this survey were the results for each generation. A summary from NPR cited these statistics: Members of Generation Z, born between the mid-1990s and the early 2000s, had an overall loneliness score of 48.3. Millennials, just a little bit older, scored 45.3. By comparison, Baby Boomers scored 42.4. The Greatest Generation, people ages 72 and above, had a score of 38.6 on the loneliness scale.

I imagine you, like myself, would have assumed the exact opposite. We perceive the older generation as isolated and the younger as busy, active, and engaged. While that may be true in simple life activities, it is not true in relationships.

Loneliness may be plaguing someone you know, you work with, someone you briefly encounter in your day, or perhaps this is even you. But this survey, along with others, shows us there is indeed an epidemic. Unlike a disease or virus that we have no control over, this is one that we can and should attack. There are some whose loneliness is so severe that more actions are needed than I can suggest here. And I do encourage those suffering to seek help. But I believe if those of us who don’t struggle with loneliness took a little time and made a bit of an effort, we could reduce this loneliness epidemic. And if you’re one who does struggle, put aside those insecurities and feelings of inadequacy to take a few steps toward building those relationships that hold so much value.

Let me give you a few ideas of things that can make a real difference when you’re feeling lonely:

Be the initiator.

Be the first to reach out, create the opportunity, or offer the invitation. It could be a neighbor, classmate, friend of a friend, or even the server at the restaurant you frequent. If the percentages are true, nearly 50% of the people you encounter would welcome the exchange.

This will take courage for the introvert or extrovert, for the lonely, and for those whose relationship plate is full. But look around. If half of everyone in the room is lonely, the need is great. And if you are one of those, what do you have to lose?

Give more than a handshake.

If you’re at an event, club meeting, or church service, have you considered saying more than “Good morning?” Even at the grocery store with the cashier scanning your purchases. Ask their name and where they are from, and find something to compliment. Notice the person next to you, in front of you.  Do they have a unique tattoo or piece of jewelry? Their gorgeous skin or lovely hair color. Let them know that you see them.

It may feel incredibly awkward the first few times you do this but trust me on this, they will smile, they will engage they will share something you wouldn’t know if you hadn’t asked. If you just give something a little extra that makes them know they matter they will believe they do as well.

Loneliness may be plaguing someone you know, you work with, someone you briefly encounter in your day, or perhaps this is even you.

Offer your most precious gift, time.

There are quick interactions that make a big difference. In a world that ignores those who live near us, maybe we take a plate of cookies (even if they are store-bought) over to the new neighbor as they close the moving van. You notice a co-worker struggling, maybe with their job, or it seems life is taking a toll. Stop and give them a few extra minutes when you see they need it. Take those extra minutes to chat when walking your dog, even if you’re being tangled in the leash.

Or purposefully dedicate more time. Offer to meet up for coffee or a meal. Do they need to be around a group of people? Invite them to an event, join you for a movie, or to your church. Even offer to pick them up. In a world that focuses on self, sharing your time shows you truly care. And if you’re the one who is lonely, time spent together is the best way to build new relationships.

Look others in the eye.

There is nothing that makes someone feel more alone than when they think everything else in your life is more important than they are. Don’t glance at the Apple watch, cell phone, or even over their shoulder at what is happening behind them. Look them in the eye.

We all need to know we are the focus of another’s attention again, that they see us, eager for our response, anticipation of a real reaction and conversation. Looking into another’s eyes creates a connection as well as an understanding of their feelings.

Ask questions.

Real questions. The most significant solution to loneliness is finding someone who cares about our lives. Not just the surface high spot but the real honest, joyful, challenging parts of our lives.

We are truly alike, facing similar battles, with the same emotions and needs—to love and be loved. Or at least feel we are noticed and liked. Real questions allowing time for real answers will remind us of that. So ask and listen—the best way deep relationships are created.

So the next time you enter a room of 100, remember that nearly half are battling loneliness. If you’re one who is in that battle, I want you to know you are not alone in your feelings or your hurt. People in every event, every workplace, every family feel just as you do. Reach out as well; you may discover a relationship you didn’t know was there.

One of the very early Beatles songs, entitled Eleanor Rigby, is profound in its lyrics and amazingly sad in its observation. Its chorus asked a few questions that I think deserve an answer:

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong

Where do they come from? Our hurried, disinterested society. Where do they belong? They belong with us, with you, and with me. As a part of our community, our neighborhood, our church, our family, our lives. May we seek those who feel lonely to let them know they are not alone? And may we be courageous enough to reach out when that is us.

—
For more encouragement on self-worth and community, check out:

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You’ll enjoy this episode of our podcast Great Friends: 9 Qualities to Be One and Find One – 031

The Declaration of Independence

IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

—
For more information on the Declaration of Independence, visit www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/declaration.html

So, every weekend, I parked the rules at the door as I left my home to be with my friends. My mother’s Bible verse of choice for me as I walked out the door, “Be sure your sins will find you out.” When putting my key in the ignition of my Ford Galaxy, my mumbling response was, “Then I’m going to make those sins count.”

Are You Using Your Head or Your Heart?

In those years, there seemed to be so much emphasis on what you should or should not do, not whom you should love. It’s not that the Bible wasn’t inserted into all conversations. It was. Bible drills and memorization were all part of my Christian education. While I am sure many didn’t mean it to be, what was emphasized was head, not heart.

It was years later that I learned what faith should look like. After walking away from all I was taught, I clawed my way back through periods of spiritual immaturity to spiritual arrogance and finally to an understanding that faith was not based on rules. It was not knowledge. Our faith in Jesus is founded and lived on knowing and loving Him.

Here I am today in my spiritual journey realizing the world once again feels dark. The pain and anger are palpable. The division is vast. That is not how God designed us nor how He wants us to live. There must be hope offered, and it is on us to offer it. It is ours to affect the communities in which we live. Ours to offer something new, yet old and real. But not in the way we often do.

When we focus on the peripheral, we lose our place in culture. The light we are called to demonstrate becomes dim, and the salt we should be is diluted. When we think we hold back sin and bring light to the darkness by making rules or spouting faith platitudes, it does exactly the opposite. It’s when we live in and show the love of Christ that we are truly light and salt.

Do we deny God’s standards? Do we ignore the text in the multitude of memorized and often spouted verses? Of course not. They are there to guide us, lead us into surrender and admission of our sins, and accept the one covering all sins.

But we must focus first and always on relationships—with Christ and others. When the Pharisees (the religious leaders of the time) asked what the most important commandment was, Jesus’ answer was this: “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments” (Matthew 22:37-40).

How To Make God Proud when We Disagree

Loving the Lord means seeking to live in a way that honors Him. But not because there are rules to follow but because there is a love that wants to please, to make the God who died for us smile in approval. We become like a child beaming with delight when told they did well by their mother or father saying, “good job, I’m proud of you. “It is the same with our heavenly Father.

What makes Him proud of us, you wonder? It starts with our unconditional love for others. It’s how he loved us and loves us still. There is no barrier between us and the open door of a loving God. He seeks us, He faithfully draws us exactly as we are without demands or expectations. He is only seeking a relationship for us to give Him our hearts.

Should we not do the same for all others? Are we to only love those we are comfortable with, who seem more like us culturally or philosophically? He didn’t. Neither should we.

What makes Him proud of us, you wonder? It starts with our unconditional love for others.

We spend so much time looking at the sin, not the person lost in it. During the years I was running as far from my faith as I could, I was tired of having my sins pointed out. I wished there was someone who saw me. The defiant teen who, high one night in the middle of a religious conversation, stated, “Jesus is the only answer.” Not because I lived it but because my heart knew the truth even if I didn’t want to be a part of the “club” of rules.

Look to Love

If we look at this world of darkness doing nothing but fighting individual sins, we do not love those living under its control. Nor are we remembering we are sinners as well. No different than those we may unreasonably and mistakenly feel better than. We must remember that the only way to dimmish the darkness is to be light. The only way to preserve truth is to be salt. The only way to draw others is to be as He is.

May we truly live and love as our Savior: not being afraid of those who are not like Him. Because that’s where we find those who hurt, and the broken hearts without hope. We found hope; shouldn’t they, too? As your relationship with Him grows, so will your relationship with others. They need us. Not to accuse and offer rules but to build relationships. It is then and only then that the darkness will dispel.

—
Not sure how to raise your kids to communicate with those who disagree with them? Dr. Jim Denison shares his advice here: How Do I Raise My Kids when the Culture and Bible Collide? with Dr. Jim Denison – 177

There have been hundreds of thousands of Americans who’ve died in war since the very first was waged, the American War for Independence. The countless lives lost in each battle, from the American Revolution through wars in the Middle East, have left behind mothers, fathers, siblings, wives, husbands and children. It is not only those who have died who pay the price, but it is also their families—those who’ve hugged the necks of their loved ones as they left home to fulfill a call, to perform a duty, and to stand against those who sought harm.

Today it is our duty to remember the fallen.

We often remember the men who lost their lives, as we should, but at times we forget the women. Perhaps it’s a bit more uncomfortable, but we would be remiss to overlook any loss, no matter the gender.

History tells us that 60 women died in the Civil War, including one who was only known by her first name, Emily. In 1863, this young 19-year-old left home to join the Michigan Regiment. Women were not allowed in combat, so she masqueraded as a man, hiding her gender from those whom she served with until she was mortally wounded in a battle in Tennessee.

It was then, by consenting to dictate a telegram to her father in Brooklyn, that her identity was revealed. “Forgive your dying daughter. I have but a few moments to live. My native soil drinks my blood. I expected to deliver my country but the fates would not have it so. I am content to die. Pray forgive me—Emily.” Her final thoughts were of the family she loved and the battle she believed in.

Twenty-two women died in the Spanish American War, and nearly 400 in World War I. But it was in World War II that war deaths among women in the military increased exponentially. There was a high cost of human life, with over 400,000 Americans lost in the course of this war.

There was a shortage in many areas of the military, and it showed itself in our pilots, driving the Air Force to create a division for women called the WASP (Women Airforce Service Pilots). The Army formed the WAC (Women’s Army Corp), where women served as switchboard operators, mechanics and bakers. Also created was the Army Nurse Corp, the division whose loss was most significant because of where they served, among the injured, evacuating them from the battlefield.

Perhaps it’s a bit more uncomfortable, but we would be remiss to overlook any loss, no matter the gender.

Aleda E. Lutz, born November 9, 1915 in Freeland, Michigan, graduated Nursing School and promptly enlisted in the Army Nurse Corp. While overseas, she was active in European, African, and Italian battlefields. Several times she helped evacuate wounded soldiers from the Anzio Beachhead, which was under constant fire from the German Army.

Lieut. Lutz was involved in 196 missions and had accumulated 814 hours in the air, evacuating more than 3,500 wounded men. Known as “Lutzy,” she was kind and brave while attending to the injuries of those who were airlifted out of harms way.

On the tragic day of her death, November 1, 1944, Lieutenant Lutz was transporting 15 wounded soldiers from Lyon, France to a hospital in Italy in a C-47 when they encountered a violent storm. The pilot lost control of the plane and it crashed into the side of a mountain in St. Chaumon, France. There were no survivors. Lieutenant Lutz was buried with full military honors in an American Cemetery in France.

Most recently, in the Middle East, the increase of females serving in our military has also increased the percentage of their deaths in the theater of war. They’ve lost their lives due to downed helicopters they’ve piloted, improvised explosive devices their vehicles have driven over, serving in the intelligence divisions, and running supply lines that were caught in combat.

We can never forget that the price of war is great for both men and women. We must also remember that the price is paid in the currency of lives… both those who have given their own, and those who are now missing a part of their family, adding an empty chair at the holidays, and an empty place in their hearts.

So today we will remember, and today we will honor. To the men, the women, and all who have served in paying the ultimate price, we thank you. What greater love is this than a man (or a woman) lay his life down for another.

—
For more history on Memorial Day, read What is the Meaning Behind Memorial Day? 
#gritandgracelife

Of course, there have been the others. As a fresh out of school 19-year-old I obtained the position of receptionist at a very influential law firm in the city I lived. Every attorney in that firm was a male, and they demonstrated every male attitude available. Some of the men treated me as their daughter or granddaughter, kindly, even excusing some of the rather creative and sometimes bizarre wardrobe that I wore and loved in this suit and tie domain.

Others (or the men they represented) threw vulgar innuendos my way as they walked by my desk to their offices. I was pretty mouthy and naïve to potential repercussions, so my response would often be something like, “and that would only happen in your dreams.” Some would laugh and back off; others got a bit irritated. A few even used their power to suggest I should be relieved of my job. Fortunately, the grandfatherly senior partners intervened.

Later as I gained positions of importance in my career I found it astounding that there were those who looked past me to the man in the room, who oftentimes was my employee. It didn’t take much to embarrass those individuals, which I made a point of doing, getting a little perverse joy in the process.

There were always those who hugged a little too aggressively or stared at body parts their eyes should not have been focused on. I had determined these were just silly little men and their attitudes held absolutely no impact on my self-worth or purpose. The conduct they exhibited merely showed that they were simple-thinking, petty people and they were missing out on what I brought to the table. Not my loss, but theirs. They were worth neither my time nor energy; I had work to do.

Even if you ignore, talk back to, or duck into the bathroom, there was, is, and probably forever will be men who will harass women. Those who expect things they shouldn’t and actively make your workplace miserable. So, what’s a girl to do?

Here are 5 ways to protect yourself as a woman in the workplace:

1. Ignore the small stuff.

One thing my 19-year-old self did understand is that men will be men. They think in sexual terms, whether they say it aloud or not. The good men avert their eyes, halt their thoughts before they run amok, and keep their mouth closed. The others don’t. What comes out of those mouths more often than not isn’t worth your time or attention. Ignore it.

2. Make yourself clear.

There needs to be no ambiguity, you are not interested. There is a sector of these men who will back off when they know where you stand. They are looking for an opening and often if you don’t give one will they back off. It may take a few times of repeating, but leave no doubt.

There was, is, and probably forever will be men who will harass… So, what’s a girl to do?

3. Rise above.

My husband and I have been in business together our entire married life. It was not unusual to hear, of course behind my back, that I was only in the jobs I held because of my relationship with my husband. If you think that didn’t burn me you would be wrong. I was the highest producing agent after the agency owners, I promoted concerts with sold-out auditoriums, and I successfully managed bands completely on my own. How dare they! I had a choice, to let them affect me, derail my career, create self-doubt, or I could continue my trajectory and rise above. Well, I stayed my course, achieved my goals, and earned the respect of many whom I respected. Don’t let the haters get to you, stay your course and rise above their nonsense.

4. Don’t be afraid to tell.

Even in today’s climate of awareness, it is difficult to confront those who truly prey on women in the workplace and will not relent. But there are recourses. Go to the harasser and let him know you will not allow this to continue. Do not let this go on; stop it early. Document. To bring accusations in any matter you must have documentation, this is no different. If you have a corporate structure that has procedures in place, follow those completely. If you are in a smaller company you need to go to the authority with control over the situation. If your harasser is that authority, you probably need to find another job. Yes, that is unfair, but there are so many places with a wonderful working atmosphere between genders it’s not worth your energy to remain in one that is not.

5. Remember this.

Your worth as an employee, as a woman, is not found in the workplace. It is found in your character, your talents, and how you approach life. You are strong, you are capable, and absolutely great in worth. No man can diminish that through their sexist attitudes. Instead, by these very acts, you will find they diminish themselves.

Don’t let the haters get to you, stay your course and rise above their nonsense.

—
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#gritandgracelife

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Is Society Right About Women or Are We Misunderstood? – 069!

After reading to your children, I’m sure you have offered this: “The world is a special place, and it’s yours to explore.” But has life distracted you since the reading? We often think it’s too much work to load up those kids to show them what that means. Well, it’s not! The memories created are too important at these special travel destinations.

I’ve traveled extensively and had the chance to visit several historical, unique, weird, and inspiring places. In those seasons, I created special memories, sometimes by myself and other times with my family or friends. Some of the most poignant were our mother-daughter excursions. So, I’m taking that trip with you on paper, reliving particular travel destinations in the U.S. that I’ve visited, plus some I still want to see. They aren’t necessarily what you would expect in a travel brochure, but they might add more life adventure—and fulfill the “the places you’ll go” dream.

The Melodies of Life

I worked in the music industry for years, partly because I love music. I love lyrics that tell a story, express emotion, or bring a smile. When done well, the score and instruments that move you through your lyrical experience are magnificent. Because I grew up with rock as my music bed of life, it was a must to enter the doors of The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio, to gain (and relive) a bit of its history.

Any genre that includes The Rolling Stones, Louis Armstrong, and Dolly Parton as inductees is well worth the visit, and the Hall of Fame was. We took our elder daughter with us that year. Her life lesson from that visit was that the origin of great music comes from life experience, as it does in most art forms. But if rock isn’t your jam, Making Music Magazine has a list of important American music museums to help you find any sound you love.

Is the Sky the Limit?

When you share the places you’ll go with your kids, ensure they know there is no limit, not even the sky. In Cape Canaveral, Florida, the Kennedy Space Center takes you on a journey, from launching into space with the Peanuts Crew to learning about the heroes who flew the missions. You can see spaceships, visit launch sites, and plan a mission of your own making.

If you time it right, you may see a rocket launch. This place will teach your kids that the sky is just the beginning. There are places they can go that have yet to be explored.

If you’re more interested in seeing the stars from terra firma, a trip to the Jennifer Chalsty Planetarium at the Liberty Science Center in New Jersey City, New Jersey, is the place to be. Seeing the vastness of the universe expands our perspective. A glimpse at the star-studded sky leaves one in awe of the beauty seen only through magnification. You will end with the realization we have so much more to explore.

There Will Be Times to Take a Stand

I’m a fan of Texas for many reasons, but one of the top reasons is the historically independent spirit. Texas it is if you want your family to find people who did things their way. When we visited the Bullock Texas State Museum in Austin, I didn’t realize what strong characters birthed this great state. I’ve been to Houston many times, but the gent (I say that almost in jest) whose name the city adopted was quite a character. He was also among the most effective and colorful fighters for independence. Consider adding a trip to San Antonio to visit The Alamo, where Texas history is brought to life. This landmark will indeed cause you to forever “Remember the Alamo.”

Taking a stand is not foreign to Boston, Massachusetts. American history is on every street in this great city. Visiting the Boston Tea Party Ship will open your eyes to some very ordinary folks who took a stand uniquely. History teaches us all those who rose against mounting challenges had their unique style of protest. They also had messy and complicated lives. Their lives show us that we, too, in our imperfection, can stand when we must.

The Hurt of Humanity

I wish more had taken a stand for the Native Americans. Sam Houston lived among the Cherokee for three years, was made an honorary member of the tribe, and made strides on their behalf. But the Cherokee had a lot of heartbreak, as did many tribes.

Visiting Cherokee, North Carolina, would be considered by some a “tourist trap” destination. But if one drove through the city on the way to the Smoky Mountains, they would be missing a large part of our nation’s history. It became real to me while waiting for a table at a popular breakfast restaurant. A native Cherokee gentleman was seated next to me. He shared that he was a dancer at one of the roadside stops. I asked if he liked doing that (wondering if he found it demeaning). He responded that he was proud to share his heritage and culture with those who stopped, and this was the way he did it. It made me smile.

Understanding the history and the Cherokee culture is best seen at The Museum of the Cherokee Indian. I recommend it for those of us who don’t want to forget what man can do to man, yet not for younger children or those who are sensitive. The Trail of Tears, documented in this museum, will lead you to tears of your own, at least for my family. But it will make you more sensitive to those who need us when they can’t defend themselves.

The same would be true of The Civil Rights Museum in Memphis, Tennessee. Making it even more impactful is this museum at the site where Martin Luther King was assassinated. The struggle he faced then should lead us to a greater understanding and compassion for the fight that this great man waged.

The Hope of Humanity: Our Faith

We took our eldest grandson to The Ark Encounter in Williamstown, Kentucky, a few years ago. Walking up to an exact replication of Noah’s Ark was breathtaking. No storybook or Bible reading can make this ship as real as a visit to the life-sized display. This kid-friendly destination lets you experience this ark and has a small zoo and animal interactions that fill an entire day. It also reminds us of the magnificence of God’s delivery when we follow His leading.

To deepen our faith and trust in its truth, visiting The Museum of the Bible in Washington, D.C., is also a must. How many times through history has humanity attempted to eradicate this book? To disprove its authenticity and authority only for it to survive? Faith is a deep belief in something you may not be able to prove or convince others of, but a trip to this destination will reinforce the strength of that which you know to be true.

A Girl Just Wants to Have Fun (and Her Family, Too)

I’ve had the privilege of going on several mother-daughter trips, sometimes with both of my daughters, other times just one. The year my daughter Chelsea and I took a road trip to Washington, D.C., from the mountains of North Carolina, we decided to stop when we saw anything of interest. It was in Virginia that we saw a sign for Luray Caverns. We both love caves; Chelsea even loves crawling through those crevices you barely fit into. Not me. We decided it was worth a detour.

What we should have known when we pulled off is within those caverns is a pipe organ. One fully playable off the stalagmites and stalactites of the cave. The sound was something I had never heard before or since. They also have a rope park, a toy town, and a garden maze. We got stuck in the maze, losing an hour and a half trying to get out. It’s a fun memory we still relive.

You may not know this, but cars are artwork. Or at least they used to be. Your husband will thank you if you take him to the America’s Car Museum in Tacoma, Washington. Car museum visits are easy for me as I love classic cars as much as my husband. I still want to own a 1957 turquoise and white T-Bird. Since we are also motorcycle enthusiasts, a trip to Barber Vintage Motorsports Museum in Birmingham, Alabama, is astounding because of the multi-levels of every sport bike you can find.

Lastly, you may still love a circus if you’re anything like my family. Since there aren’t many of those anymore, visiting The Ringling Brothers Museum in Sarasota, Florida, is well worth a trip. While there is a lot of circus history and memorabilia, you will be astounded by the vast waterside estate’s artwork, gardens, and simple beauty. It’s a place that has something for the whole family.

There is no limit for you or your family for “the places you’ll go.” Whether you choose to visit any of these or find some destinations of your own, go! You will understand the “bigger world” that will entertain, excite, and inspire the entire family. And make Dr. Seuss proud that you took him at his word.

Yes, it’s on the calendar, and all children, spouses, and various family members are required to give gifts or send flowers. They feel like they must take you to a restaurant to wait in line for an hour, along with every other mother in the city where you live, and crowd around the table with over-worked servers trying to accommodate the big families they are serving. You smile and go along with the family plan, even though you really want to be home taking a hot bath instead of joining in on this mother mayhem.

But moms, I’m here to remind you that there really are a bunch of Mother’s Days—many so much better than the one in May:

The day you see your baby’s face for the first time. Whether by birth or adoption, you are suddenly handed this most amazing treasure. Your love is instant; your heart is forever theirs.

The day your two-year-old crawls into your lap after an exhausting series of two-year-old challenges and grabs your face to plant a slobbery kiss as she says, “I love you Mommy.”

The day your four-year-old son runs toward the department store door to hold it open for an entire entourage walking ahead of you, grinning from ear to ear because he knows he just made you proud.

The day your 10-year-old hits his first home run and before rounding first base looks over his shoulder to make sure his mom saw it happen.

The day your 13-year-old arrives home, grabs her after-school snack, and positions herself underfoot, wanting to share every detail of the current middle school drama with her mom. Even though when she left in the morning, you were the last person she wanted to talk to.

The day you help your son pick out the perfect corsage for his first high school dance because he finally got the courage to ask the girl he’s been secretly pining over to be his date and she said yes.

The day you watch as the completion of 12 years of education ends with a well-earned diploma. In cap and gown, striding across the stage, your child’s name is called and you hoop and holler even though you’ve been instructed not to.

Your love is instant; your heart is forever theirs.

These are only a few of the great Mother’s Days we have the privilege of experiencing. It’s not about what they give to us on that one day in May, it’s about who they are to us every single day. Our sons, our daughters—they are our life’s treasure.

So moms, go out on Sunday to the obligatory restaurant, wrestle through the meal, smile and say thank you. Then go home, pull out the photo albums and relive the wonderful Mother’s Days you’ve already had in their lives, knowing there are more great ones to come. After a few laughs and a couple of tears, take a moment to thank God for the most incredible title you were given on the very first day you saw that little treasure, the day you became “Mom.”

—
You’ll also like The Everyday Mom Moments That Will Make You Laugh , Dear SAHM: I See You and Want You to Know These 8 Things, Middle School Meltdown, and You Know What to Do, But Do You Know What NOT to Do, Mom? (Video)
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We had to shop for a little white dress to go under the white graduation robe. We couldn’t have a bright red dress showing through, now could we? This was just one of the activities, plans, and expenses as we prepared for the day we had all worked so very hard for. We had an entire list. Invitations had been sent, food ready for the after party, big plans for the future in chattering form by the seniors that entered and exited our doors. This was graduation from high school. She had just gone through the requisite 1st through 12th year, gotten the grades needed, and was humming Pomp and Circumstance as she walked down the stairs of our home.

The high school years were ones that were created to prepare a parent for this rite of passage. The years every child pulls away a bit, finding their voice, creating their relationships, and discovering their paths. It’s been little by little, and you sometimes have joyed in that independence; you do want them to become self-sufficient. You have at other times cringed at exactly what independence looks like, especially when it’s coming down the stairs dressed as a scantily-clad pop star. That independence was quickly nipped in the bud.

But this is the weekend. It is the end of one era and the beginning of a new one. I am determined to enjoy this. Shopping at several stores, who knew white dresses were so hard to come by? Finally, four purchases later (because we kept buying the “maybe this could work”), we landed on something that actually did. So when this is all over, I’ll have to hit the return counter for the other three, but I don’t have time for that today.

We head home to coordinate the out-of-town visitors along with the locals, who will all soon appear on my steps. I’ve got to juggle the family, the food, the housekeeping. My daughter heads out the door the moment we return; she has to see just one more friend because who knows when they will see each other again (even though you know it will be Tuesday, no one’s leaving town until August for heaven’s sake).

As I take a few breathing moments during the week to ponder this life transition, my daughter is constantly coming in the front door and then out again, slamming her car door for one more whatever-seems-to-need-to-be-done errand before graduation. She is also in the throws of producing the senior class video, the one for the entire class to be shown at the festivities. Film was her dream then and is her occupation now. The few glimpses I get of her are late night hours editing on her computer when she needs another music piece to throw into the mix. Fortunately, she still values my opinion in this arena, and I have the privilege to help and see her sweet, anxious, stressed face for those few minutes.

Your child’s high school graduation: it is the end of one era and the beginning of a new one.

The weekend arrives full swing. There’s a Friday evening rehearsal, and my whirlwind daughter has called me after school to tell me she won’t be home before it. She and some friends are… the rest of the sentence is a lot of noise. There are too many 18-year-old girls chattering at the same time. The truth is that it doesn’t matter where they go, they will all be on their own in a few short months anyway. If she hasn’t figured it out yet, I’m really in trouble this fall.

The morning of graduation hits; she has gotten so few hours of sleep between producing the senior video and her endless activities that she only awakens in time to grab clothes, put on makeup, and head out the door once again. I am trying to get myself presentable, coordinate the family meet-up, and prepare for after graduation. Our passing in the kitchen, a 15-second encounter, is all we have.

My husband, younger daughter, mother, and I find a prime seat in the auditorium with programs in our hands. Looking through the names, which should be easy because they are in alphabetical order but through blurry eyes it’s not, we find our daughter’s. Peering into the sea of caps and gowns, we look to find her. Her particular school made it a bit easier—the girls wore white, the boys black, so half the job was done for you.

There was a speaker, but I don’t remember who it was or what they said, I was mom-numb. There was music, we lived in Nashville and worked in the music business, so it was probably good, there was a lot of talent to choose from. But I don’t remember that either. I was focused on my little girl, and yes I did realize she was no longer that.

They began the awarding of diplomas. As each student’s name was called, it was accompanied by a brief and insightful description. When her turn came, it was something like, “Loren Brock, takes on too much, creative, always ready with a warm smile and a kind word.” They got her right.

I whooped and hollered; my husband lightly tapped my leg. We weren’t supposed to do that. My opinion—really, exactly who is the graduation police and what are they going to do about it? This is my girl’s day.

The event ended in gaggles of people where I gathered with friends and family. We got brief hugs from our daughter as she ran toward us, then back again to friends or friend’s families to converse. Then we left for the after party at our home.

Table spread, she hits the house chattering to all in attendance. There is food, laughter, viewing once again of the video she produced, inevitable conversations that are about her future. Then she runs out the door again to attend other graduation parties of friends she has shared the last four years with.

We spend a bit more time with friends and family until they peel off, then clean up from the crazy weekend that was 12 years in the making. I take my final cup of coffee to the screen porch, a bit exhausted, a bit morose, with a few tears in my eyes. I realize I miss my daughter. Not sure what I thought this weekend would be, but watching my girl’s back as she exited the door was probably not something I had given much consideration to. Although for the last two years it was a frequent occurrence. After all, she was that person who took on too much.

I lapsed a bit into feeling sorry for myself, not something I often do. After all, I had invested time, money, tears, laughter, and you name it into this child, surely I deserved more than passing in the night, so to speak. As I was nursing my emotions I heard a car door slam; then the front door did the same. Dropping everything on the floor of the living room, she grabbed leftovers from the kitchen and headed my way.

That little girl joins me on that screen porch to give me blow by blow of her exciting weekend. Who did what, who said what, all the drama and nuances of an exciting weekend. She was just hanging with her mom, filling in the blanks.

I hadn’t lost her; the investment I had made was not gone. We were just being mother and daughter in this new season. This was the beginning of a new stage of life, one that would be just as rich, just as rewarding as any that came before. This was graduation, not only hers but mine too. I was graduating from just “mom” to very soon adding the title of friend.

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It can be hard to let go, Mom! Instead, we encourage you to look at all the positives that arrive with this new stage in your child’s life: What Does Optimism Bring to a Woman’s Life? – 184

The experience made me want to take a few minutes and tell all college grads this—take heart! You can do this! Yes, it’s true what you have known in your academic life is not what is ahead of you. It’s time to enter the pay-my-rent, get-a-real-job world of adulting. But what you learned in college (and I’m not talking about what came in those astronomically expensive books), is everything you need to know to take on your first job.

1. You learned that goals change along the way.

Somewhere in your academic career, you realized that what you thought you wanted wasn’t what you actually wanted. The dreams you had as a little girl probably didn’t become the major you tackled in college. It’s kind of hard to major in princess. There’s a good chance you changed your mind in high school, then again when beginning college, and maybe one more time during your junior year. It’s no different in the workplace. Whatever job you find next will not be your forever job. It will be only one of an abundance of career paths and challenges you tackle in your work life. So, remove the pressure to find the perfect job. Just find the right one for this next step.

2. You learned it takes more than one application to discover where you want to go.

You didn’t just apply to one university. If you did and got in, good for you, but it doesn’t usually work that way. The same holds true in the job hunt; it takes time to research, build a resume, and turn in a whole bunch of job applications to find the next fit. Similar to when you looked at colleges, don’t limit yourself in your search; open up the gates. There may be something that’s just right for you in the marketplace that you have yet to discover.

It’s time to enter the pay-my-rent, get-a-real-job world of adulting. But—take heart college grad! You can do this!

3. You were surprised by which courses taught you the most.

You may have expected specific subjects within your major to be the most beneficial, yet they weren’t. Gaining wisdom that covers a lot of life probably came for something you randomly selected or seemed to be an odd requirement for your degree. You will discover this truth in the workplace as well. Be open to a position that may not be what you were thinking but can become a much-needed building block in your yet-to-discover, long-term goals.

4. You learned to share life with people who are not your family.

You lived with, studied with, and completed group projects with people you probably didn’t know before you entered the hallowed halls of higher education. This experience of great, cooperative relationships, as well as difficult ones, will enable you to navigate the world of co-workers successfully. The interaction in college humanity is not a lot different than that in the workplace.

5. You found a way to meet deadlines.

Whether it was turning in papers or finals that you studied for, you responded to the need to produce and then deliver time-sensitive requirements. This ability is much-needed and most rewarded within the workplace.

6. You learned the art of compromise and adjustment.

Whether with a roommate, professor or fellow student this was a season of learning to compromise as well as making adjustments. One of you was clean, the other not. One studied well at the crack of dawn the other a midnight learner. You tackled a group project, some members with similar strengths, others different and then there were those who didn’t hold up their end of the project. Professors whose styles of teaching and expectations were entirely different. It took compromise and adjusting how you handled each of these situations. Tools that will be even more honed in the years ahead.

7. You have come to understand that each part of your education is a season.

First elementary, then middle and high school, and now college—each was a segment of your education journey. Each one represented a change: in buildings, friendships, and even a change in expectations. Entering the workplace is just another season. Not only that, the first position you find will be a season as well. There will be others.

And you will find that once you move into the workplace, there comes the best education of all; self-education. The importance of learning for yourself and discovering passions beyond the pre-conceived structures of education is something that gets more prevalent with age. The little moments when you curl up to read a book, or those moments before sleep become the best times to develop yourself. As every season changes, your appreciation of education becomes a lifelong habit and it becomes yet another season. 

College grads, you will find a job! College graduation fear will be a thing in the distant past. You will discover your new rhythm! You will realize this is an exciting season of life! Yes, in many ways it will be different, but it will also bring you independence, and accomplishment, and reveal to you precisely what you’re made of. You got your degree, so now get the rest of your life.

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Read what other writers have to say about entering the workforce, check out this podcast episode: How to Face the Impossible with Grit and Grace – 035

One biggie that every couple needs to have a serious conversation about is money. Yep, the subject we all want to avoid… but this is one of the top issues that lead to divorce. So a smart girl takes care of business applying these money tips before it ever becomes a problem.

Here are the top money tips you need to know and do:

1. Talk about it!

You need to discuss everything before you put on that wedding dress, so don’t avoid this subject; jump in. It will be a multi-layered discussion that happens over time, but this conversation will save you from a bunch of difficult ones in the future.

2. Does he have debt?

If he does, you need a plan. Or, if you have debt, he needs to know. There are three ways to handle it. It’s paid off before you marry, you put it into your budget, or you have paperwork drawn up that the one who does not hold debt will not be liable. Whatever you decide upon is between the two of you. Just don’t avoid it; have the courage to decide!

3. Discuss your financial priorities.

Do you shop sales, and does he love expensive cars? Or are you the diamond girl and he wears his underwear until it’s merely a waistband and a few tattered pieces of cloth? You can make adjustments for each personality type, but compromise and shared priorities are a must.

4. Make a budget!

Yep, that thing we all hate. You can create it any way you want. You can even have a budget line named Target, Home Depot, or Walmart for rent, utilities, car payment. Just create a budget that both of you agree upon and that you can meet.

5. Sharing bank accounts.

That’s a hard one if you’re an independent woman, but if you’re committed enough to share your life, you should be willing to share your money. Marriage is what we call “the whole meal deal.” You get the salad, drink, entrée, and dessert—you’re all in. It really works best when you are.

6. Plan for the unexpected.

No matter how much we want to believe life is controllable, it’s not. That is true of finances too. Cars break down, job loss happens, illness hits … these all change your financial picture. When you budget, put aside some money so that when the unexpected occurs, you’re prepared.

7. Think long-term.

So you’re only 25 and retirement looks a lifetime away. It’s not. So, add that to your budget, even $25 a month will make a huge difference! The day will come when you will be glad you did.

Minefields in marriage will be avoided if you just take a little bit of time to diffuse them before the day you say, “I do.”

—
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3 1/2 Years Dating and Still Waiting

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There is a story in the Bible about two women whose lives were intertwined, even more so after a visit from the angel Gabriel: Elizabeth and Mary. Their relationship paints a picture of the beauty that comes when God places another in our lives to rely on.

When we first met Elizabeth, she was no longer a young woman. She was unable to bear children and was well past the years when she could even hope. The heartbreak, disappointment, and eventual acceptance had already resided in her heart. Then appeared Gabriel.

Fulfilling Prophecies Against All Odds

As Zechariah performed his duties in the temple, the angel appeared and announced that Zechariah and Elizabeth’s lives would change: In their old age, they would bear a child. And not just any child, but the prophet who would announce the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah who had been spoken of centuries before. Zechariah’s doubt led to losing his ability to speak until that child was born.

Elizabeth’s reaction was quite different. She rejoiced at the news of her miraculous child. “The Lord has done this for me,” she said. “In these days he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people.” Then, she went into hiding for five months.

You can imagine why. The questions that would be asked and the skepticism that would come her way were probably something she didn’t want—others who could rob her joy and insert doubt.

Then Gabriel appeared again to a young virgin named Mary, who was betrothed but not yet married. She was an easily overlooked girl in a town of little value. Yet God viewed her differently: “The angel went to her and said, ‘Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.'” God chose her to bear his son.

“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?” He gave her the answers she needed and then sent her directly to the home of her cousin, Elizabeth. While much older than Mary, Elizabeth was the one who would understand.

As Mary arrived at Elizabeth and Zechariah’s home, the baby Elizabeth was carrying leaped with joy. Recognizing the mother of his Savior, this baby knew who had entered his family’s home: the Savior who would be announced by the prophet Elizabeth was carrying.

The Power in Finding Another Woman Who Understands

I am sure there were many conversations between the two women, a few revealed in scripture, and likely many more. Mary stayed with Elizabeth for three months. They shared their joy, their burdens, and their lives. Above all, I believe they spoke with each other about what only the two of them were experiencing—miracles that would come in the form of their children.

John, Elizabeth’s son, the greatest prophet ever to live, was conceived when human understanding could not explain it. Elizabeth was too old; it was impossible.

Mary, a virgin who had never been with a man, conceived a son, Jesus. He was the very son of God whose purpose was foretold but not often understood, a mystery yet to be revealed.

God chose these unlikely women. Nothing about them made them special, at least in the eyes of others. Yet their sons would impact the world in ways neither mother could fully understand.

But what they could experience in their three months together was the knowledge of their shared experience. Understanding that the sons they bore would not only do something special, but encounter trouble because of that.

They also knew others would have many opinions about their pregnancies and the lives their sons would lead. They would be faced with ridicule, condemnation, and unrealistic expectations. They would also have those who rejoiced with them. But they needed to be prepared to face whatever lay ahead for both them and their sons.

God gave them each other. Although we don’t see it in scripture, I believe they would have tried to spend more time together because their hearts would have been forever joined in heartbreak and hope.

Their lives with their sons were rich but different from those of other mothers because of the path each child was to walk. Elizabeth probably would not have lived to see her son’s death, but Mary did. The unlikely lives these men grew to lead were unlike others.

These two women were given the task of raising these boys to launch them into their purpose. God created the connection between them because he knew they needed one another.

We need those women who understand us, whose life experiences mirror ours today. And God will provide those women for us, too.

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Learn more about the powerful shift that happens when women come together: Strong Women Are Stronger Together—Here’s How You Can Help – 228

Ladies, we have done so much more than that! It’s not a single note; instead, it’s a whole orchestral arrangement. What I also love is that not only is exploring our gender’s achievements much more than a reflection on how far women have come, but it is also rich in accomplishment that is in no way predictable, especially in female inventors.

These female inventors deserve to be celebrated for what they created!

The Woman Who Invented the Bulletproof Vest

If you’re a watcher of television crime drama, you’ve seen the tense setup before officers enter a building, potentially facing trouble. They often pop the trunk of their police car to grab an additional weapon along with their bulletproof vest. In light of the danger ahead, this item seems like an essential addition to their wardrobe. But before 1966, those vests weren’t available. That is until DuPont chemist Stephanie Kwolek accidentally invented Kevlar while trying to perfect a more lightweight fiber for car tires. Who knew this high-tensile metal, five times stronger than steel, was the brainchild of a woman and could deflect bullets? I wonder if she ever got that tire fiber worked out, too…

The Woman Who Invented Windshield Wipers

Speaking of cars, what car driver does not appreciate their windshield wipers on a rainy or snowy day? It was on a trip to New York City in 1903 that Mary Anderson decided something needed to change when experiencing a delay in her travel across the city. In the backseat of a cab, as the snowstorm descended, Mary encountered multiple pauses. When the snow got too thick on the front windshield, the cab driver would pull the cab over, jump out, and scrape the glass clean, only to drive a few blocks and do it again.

Returning to her home in Birmingham, Alabama, Mary sketched her concept, wrote a comprehensive description of her idea, and then applied for a patent. That one act led to the creation of the first automatic windshield wiper controlled from inside the car, nevermore to face the elements. I don’t know if she traveled back to New York to see her invention in action, but I’m quite sure the cabbies would have given this pioneering lady free cab fare for the rest of her life if she had.

The Woman Who Invented Scotchgard

There is nothing more irritating than a stain to call a woman to action. In 1952, 3M chemist Patsy Sherman was stumped when some fluorochemical rubber spilled on a lab assistant’s shoe, and they couldn’t get it out. I bet money the men in the room didn’t have the same drive as Patsy did to do something about it. But this lady, along with co-inventor Samuel Smith, came up with a solution. Scotchgard! This chemical repelled water, oil, and other liquids without changing the color of the fabric. There isn’t a mom in America who has not benefited from this wonderful invention when their three-year-old decided to add artwork to the family sofa.

Not only is exploring our gender’s achievements much more than a reflection on how far women have come, but it is also rich in accomplishment that is in no way predictable.

The Woman Who Invented the Circular Saw

Creating building materials in the early 1800s was a daunting task that required hard labor and repetitive motion. To have the lumber needed for any structure required two men cutting logs into usable pieces. The tool was called a pit saw: the kind where each man grabbed the handle on either side of the long blade and worked it back and forth to cut logs into the appropriate lengths.

It was a weaver, Tabitha Babbit, that came up with the solution: the invention of the circular saw. Making a prototype that she attached to her spinning wheel in 1813, Babbit turned a two-man job into one that could be completed alone. As a member of the Shaker community, which is derived from the description of a shaking Quaker (you can look that one up), acquiring a patent was not something they believed in doing. But they did take full advantage of this weaver’s work.

The Woman Who Invented the Pedal Trash Can (and More!)

Lillian Gilbreth could become my new favorite hero! This lady tweaked and designed dozens of inventions that made life better. She invented shelves inside refrigerator doors (including the egg keeper and butter tray), and made vast improvements on electric can openers, as well as creating wall light switches.

But the one invention I am most thrilled with is the pedal trash can! Something you should know is she did all of this as a mother of 12. (This is why needing to open a trash can with your foot became an amazingly important reality to this mom.) Oh, and another significant fact is her family was the inspiration for the book Cheaper by the Dozen, written by two of her brood of 12. (Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links. Meaning at no additional cost to you, Grit and Grace Life may earn a small commission.)

The Woman Who Invented Caller ID

Who doesn’t love Caller ID? Knowing who you’re going to be speaking to before you even pick up the phone—what’s not to like? Theoretical physicist Dr. Shirley Ann Jackson did the research that led to this can’t-live-without feature on every one of our phones. She is also the first African-American woman to gain a Ph.D. from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Thanks, Shirley—I have successfully avoided more telemarketers than I can count.

The Woman Who Invented the Airplane Muffler

Finally, it’s Eldorado Jones who, in 1923, patented the airplane muffler. Known as “Iron Woman,” she started her factory in Moline, Illinois, with an entire workforce of women. Ironically, while non-stop puffing her cigarettes, she directed the mechanics on attaching the muffler to the airplane and then began the testing process at Roosevelt Field. The plane sped out of the hangar and along the runway. Even though, according to news reports, she blew out a lot of fumes, the airplane did not.

Ladies, we should be proud of all the inventions that have come from our gender. It should inspire us, encourage us, and reinforce the fact that you cannot pigeonhole women. Weavers can invent circular saws, moms of 12 can invent pedal-footed trashcans, chemists can repel stains, and cigarette smokers can control exhaust! Next time you are faced with something you know can be done better, give it a little more brain time. Break out your creative juices, and start drawing, building, or rigging. You may be the next patent holder destined to make someone else’s life better.

The outbreak of tornadoes in the Midwest…

And, most recently, the wildfires consuming California… all devastating natural disasters that destroyed property and disrupted or even took the very lives of some who were in their path. The communities hit by these monsters no one can control are currently in various stages of rescue, recovery, and rebuilding. Ours is one of them.

As we work through clean up, as we begin the rebuilding, we are found helping one another. In some cases, we’re meeting our neighbors for the first time. We pass their home every day on the way to work, but today is when we introduce ourselves before quickly asking how can we help.

Opening Our Eyes and Our Hearts

The neighborhood communication system opens again, this time not with complaints about a dog or traffic, but a post to make all aware that our mail carrier lost everything she had—her home, furniture, clothing—and was living in a shelter. The community was asked to help, providing furniture, money a place to live until she could get back on her feet, which they did. Her name is Monica. Most of us hadn’t bothered to learn her name before this disaster.

As the communication sources gained ground, the devastation that seemed overwhelming in our immediate community paled to what had happened 30 miles away. Families whose possessions were meager before the storm’s arrival were left with even less. Flatbed trailers were parked in local church parking lots, loaded with diapers, wipes, water, clothes, and other necessities needed to bridge life while waiting for further assistance.

The moment the local churches restored their power, they opened their doors—not to hold services and pray (although prayers were offered fervently from all corners of our community in this season), but to meet real needs. The volunteers who arrived at the church doorsteps were tasked with preparing and serving meals to thousands, offering plugins to charge cell phones, handing out water, and even setting up movies for kids in the activity room as a distraction from the “when will we get back to normal?” refrain.

Why Does It Take a Disaster?

Why does it take a disaster for compassion to be demonstrated to those around us? To notice the individuals who serve us every day, to acknowledge their hard work or learn their name? As much as we all would love to avoid life’s disasters, we can’t.

As we find ourselves glued to the weather channel willing the hurricane’s turn out to sea or waiting to hear how much of the blaze has been contained, we realize we are faced with one of those we-have-no-control-of-life moments. Experiences and choices will be forced upon us that violently remove the “normal.” We will choose what we do and how we act when those days come. The worst of who we can be can show its ugly face, but the best, most compassionate side of our nature will very often rise up. We become the best of who we are.

Humanity Comes Alive When Disaster Strikes

It is a disaster that levels life, forcing us to rely upon one another, to look past economics, race, and culture. It is disaster that levels life’s playing field, reminding us that we are all in this thing together, stronger when we join forces and reach across the artificial barriers we place between us.

Maybe it takes disaster to remind us of what we should be, what we can be. Maybe it does take a disaster to create the bridge between one another. May we take the understanding disaster brings into our everyday purpose.

Recognizing the needs of others when life becomes normal again, asking and remembering a name, saying thank you to those we often don’t notice, caring for those who don’t have when we do. Yes, it appears it takes a disaster to open our eyes and change our hearts. As we begin to rebuild and re-enter our normal, my prayer is this: May we not waste it.

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When hard times hit, it’s not easy to feel thankful. This podcast episode will help you tap into a spirit of gratitude, even on life’s hardest days: If You’re Looking for a Reason to Be Thankful Today – 257

Seasons of Battered Faith

Several years later, I was working a full-time job that I loved, living the single life in an apartment located in the art district, hanging with friends, and finally—much to the delight of my father—pursuing my faith. This is when my illness turned on me. I became unable to continue working, my weakness increased, and the job and life I knew had to be left behind. It was the beginning of the pendulum swings of my health issues along with the pendulum swings of my faith.

Living a life of following Christ doesn’t relieve us from pain or the struggles of this world. We won’t escape heartbreak, relationship failure, failing health, the loss of loved ones, rebellious children, or financial struggles. What we will have is a personal God who is not only willing, but also desiring, to walk alongside us. Does that fix everything? No, it doesn’t. We will still face challenges to overcome and wounded hearts that need to heal. These are the seasons when we experience battered faith.

There is no shame in doubt or disappointment; there is no shame in questioning. We have an honest God, one who will hold us in His arms even when we are pounding on His chest in anger.

We are not alone in these emotions; pillars of the faith throughout time have felt the same. “My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long ‘Where is your God?’” (Psalms 42:3, ESV). Those are the words cried out by King David, who is described in the Bible as “a man after God’s own heart.”

What we will have is a personal God who is not only willing, but also desiring, to walk alongside us.

Gideon, in doubt, kept asking God to confirm His promise once again; Sarah laughed at the impossible; and Moses reacted in frustration and anger at the difficult people he was charged to lead. Mary, the mother of Jesus, while understanding the saving purpose of the birth of her son, was still in anguish at the death of that son. Again, David’s words: “Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation; O deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man! For You are the God of my strength; why have You rejected me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?” (Psalms 43:1-2, NASB).

We Often Ask Why and Seek Our Own Answers

We come up with our own conclusions, as I did with my Myasthenia Gravis. At that time, I believed that as a Christian my life should be easier, and this God I served was here to rescue me from difficulty. After all, I had finally turned my life around—choosing to put Him first. That had to count for something. I thought that if I only had enough faith, then I would be made well, so I threw away all my medication to demonstrate my sincerity and my commitment. The only thing that happened was I became more ill and when the answer was silence, my faith became more battered.

Starting back on my pill regimen and feeling as if I had failed, I turned off the noise playing in my head as well as what was said by others. I then took the time to turn to the source of truth, God’s Word. It was there I realized God doesn’t always rescue us from the effects of this world or the consequences of our actions. Nor should He. I also realized I was not alone in my heartbreak, even though there were times when I felt like my crying out to God to be rescued was falling on deaf ears.

…and when the answer was silence, my faith became more battered.

We get a glimpse in the story of the man who from birth had been lame, lying every day beside the Gate Beautiful. When Peter passed and was pressed upon for money, his response was, “But Peter said, ‘I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!‘” (Acts 3:6, ESV). And the man did. What you may not realize is that the Gate Beautiful was a place Jesus passed several times while He dwelt here on earth, performing miracles on thousands. Why didn’t He heal this man?

We have not been promised no tear or heartache, yet we still have hope.

David, when he grieved for his son, begged God to save his child’s life—yet God did not. Paul spoke of a “thorn in the flesh” that he repeatedly prayed that it be removed, yet it was not. There are illnesses, heartbreaks, and difficulties all throughout the Bible that individuals were not rescued from. And there are illnesses, heartbreaks, and difficulties when others were.

Nearly fourteen years after I was diagnosed, God chose to heal me. Not grandly, but quietly. At a time when other concerns were driving my prayers, He spoke tenderly to me and healed me. I have no real explanation as to why then, or even why at all, but through that season I learned two things. First, that I can trust Him. I can trust Him with my disappointment, my doubt, my anger, and any outcome, whatever it may be.

The second is this: everything we experience in this life is in this life. He has promised us a life to come with no tears, no pain, and no heartache. All of our circumstances and everything we encounter on earth is temporary; it has a beginning and it has an end.

There are times we may suffer life difficulties because of our own actions or we may suffer because this world is just a difficult place, but either way, we do have a promise from a loving God. David once again writes, “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalms 30:5, NLT).

The night may be one night; it may be months, years, or even your entire journey on this earth. But when you have battered faith, I want you to know this: there is a day ahead that joy will come.

—

Want to read more on building your relationship with God? We recommend you start here:

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You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Skillet’s Jen Ledger Shares Her Faith, Her Fear and Her Strength – 044!

Many men today are simply not getting down on that knee (or however you envision it) and asking the all-important question: “Will you marry me?” While I watch the single women around me who are dating and wondering about their future, I know this extends far outside of the world in which I reside. Further evidence comes from this very website, Grit and Grace. “If Your Man Didn’t Propose (But Should Have)” has been in our top 10 most searched and read articles for three years running. This challenge is everywhere!

It’s More Than a Piece of Paper

So, why is this so important to women? Marriage is just a piece of paper, right? That’s what they tell us. But I cannot state this more emphatically—it is so much more than a piece of paper. We see this innate understanding that marriage brings a higher level of commitment in the gay community’s push for the right to do so. So why is the heterosexual community leaving it behind?

I believe that part of the reason this change has occurred is the universal understanding that marriage often fails. As a result, many couples find living together to be a more reasonable option. But marriage is different than living together. It is a stronger commit­ment that is more difficult to dissolve, and it is harder to walk away from. It requires a legal contract in the form of a marriage license between two individuals.

It’s More Than Living Together

This trend of moving in together does not appear to be the answer to maintaining a long-term relationship even if the couple does eventually marry. Statistics show those who cohabit before marriage have a 33% higher divorce rate on average than those who don’t. (Read more statistics on this topic here.)

There is a difference between beginning a relationship with the intention of marriage, whether cohabitating or just dating. Relationship security, or lack of, always hinges on a real commitment from the very start.

While it is correct that a marriage license is just a piece of paper filed at the local county clerk’s office, it is what that piece of paper represents, and what the signatories agree to, that is significant. It’s a commitment to one another that is not easily or quickly dissolved, a willingness to sign your name with the intention that the only thing that will divide is “death do us part.” No other agreement, spoken or written, has that same impact or holds the same promise.

It’s More Than a Commitment

But marriage is more than a contract or even a commitment; it is an attitude, an emotion that we desire from the man we love. We aren’t content with perpetual dating or even a placating proposal. We want more than a permanent boyfriend or to obtain the status of the fiancée. Here’s why. We want to be cherished, and the marriage commitment proves we are.

The traditional wedding vows still hold up, and with slight variations are the ones most used in marriage ceremonies today. “I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and to that, I pledge myself to you.”

Contemplate the phrase “wedding vow.” A vow is a promise, an oath, a declaration, a guarantee that those words hold significance in the state of your relationship. To have and to hold in every part of life, the good, the challenging, the painful. You are stating on that day in that vow that you are in it together.

I take thee to love. Love is often such a misused word, that the vows take it further—to cherish. If you cherish, you treat tenderly, with care and concern. You protect it; you treasure it. The value you place upon this person is far above all others.

Finally, I pledge myself to you; two people can truly become one on that day. By the surrender of self, you join something greater. The union creates an entity that is stronger and more powerful than what you have experienced in your relationship thus far.

In All Ways, Marriage Matters

There is nothing wrong with desiring marriage. There is nothing wrong with being single. What becomes entirely wrong and where many find themselves is remaining in the middle. Don’t apologize for desiring this commitment. Be willing to walk away when you realize the one you are with doesn’t want it as you do.

You see, the piece of paper so flippantly dismissed does mean something. It’s an agreement that says you are all in. Not a toe in the water or even wading waist-deep. You are swimming the Atlantic together, sincere in your vow that when one tires, the other will keep paddling for both of you.

So next time you find yourself wondering what to do when he doesn’t propose, move on! If he has the character for a long-term commitment within him, he will find a way to move where you need him to be. Know what you want, be firm in what you expect, and make sure in no uncertain terms that the man in your life knows it too.

—
For more articles on marriage and relationship advice for women, start here:

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You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Marriage Matters: Here’s How to Invest in Yours – 062!

There is one lady that exhibited these qualities in life, one that holds a place of honor in every Christmas Nativity. Sitting calmly aside an infant in a manger placed in a stable filled with animals, I’m not really sure today’s depiction is realistic. If you had birthed a baby in essentially a barn, amidst straw and animals, you probably would not be perfectly coiffed. Joyous but weary, not only from the long trip you made nine months pregnant abreast a donkey, but also suffering through a natural birth with no epidural. I believe disheveled and spent would be a bit more accurate.

Yet Mary, the mother of Jesus, personifies a gracious woman. If we take the time to not just pass by the Nativity but peer into the pages that are written with her often mentioned, we find a much more complex life. She lived a life with challenges, without all of the answers, and like the rest of us: one day at a time. It was how she handled the circumstances she faced that exemplifies why she is and should be honored.

I want to give you a little backstory on this female whose image has probably been depicted more than any other in history. A distant view would make one think there was very little we women could relate to. This is absolutely not true.

Who Was Mary?

You may know that Mary lived in Nazareth of Galilee, but did you know that this small town was considered “the other side of the tracks?” When Nathanael of Cana, (an important man of the times) said of Jesus “what good can come out of Galilee?” it’s because the people that lived there were looked down upon. There was little value placed upon who they were or what they did. They were considered unimportant and easily dismissed.

She also was a peasant girl. Possessing very little, she worked hard for what she did have, living a life without luxury or convenience. Nothing grand about this lady; hers was a simple life, living daily to make ends meet. When she was chosen to bear the Son of God, it was not because of what she could give him. But she was chosen for a reason: she would give her son the most important thing in life, her willing heart.

The way she conducted her life makes her a lady of honor and sets her apart. Stop to ponder that through all of human history, this was the young lady that God chose to bear His Child. Mary was His choice. We do a disservice if we discount that truth. She was a lady like us, but throughout her life, she showed the character that I believe warranted that choice.

A Life-Changing Announcement

The first glimpse into the nature of this woman was demonstrated when she received the initial announcement of Christ’s birth. Imagine being a young teen approached by an angel who tells you you’re going to have a baby, not just any baby—but God’s? She had been raised caring for animals in an era where sex education wasn’t necessary; it was simply a fact of life. What she was being told by someone she had never met before was not biologically possible.

In the sixth month, the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city of Galilee named Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. And the virgin’s name was Mary.

And he came to her then said, ‘Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!’ But she was greatly troubled, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be.

And the angel said to her, ‘Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.'” Luke 1:26-33

All right, stop the clocks! First, an angel shows up to talk to you and tells you you’ve found favor, so don’t be afraid. I don’t think I’d merely be troubled; it would be more likely that I’d be running out the door with a “Who is this crazy guy?” coming out of my mouth! But this young lady stayed, giving the time it would take to discern what sort of greeting she had just received and why. Talk about grace!

Then he repeated that she had found favor with God. This must have been an important point. Who wouldn’t want favor with God? She would become pregnant with the Son of the Most High that would rule forever. Sounds like a lofty and noble honor bestowed upon this girl. It was. The Bible does state she was blessed among women, but this blessing did not come without a price.

Pregnant with the Savior

Let’s look into her place in life, being pregnant in her time, within her culture when not even married. She was betrothed to a man named Joseph. This meant her family, and his had made an agreement, or a contract, that these two were going to wed. She would marry him as a virgin, not having been with another man. The families most likely exchanged gifts and were in the waiting period, looking forward to the day they were to be joined.

How was she going to explain this to her friends, her family, Joseph’s family, and Joseph, the man she was supposed to marry? At that moment, she had every reason to believe that all would shun her. The community would disdain her, her family would turn their backs, and the man she was to marry would walk away, leaving this child to be raised fatherless. There was even more at stake than a ruined reputation: The culture of the day allowed the stoning of unwed mothers. She would not only lose her reputation, but she could potentially lose her life.

Yet the angel, Gabriel, told her she had found favor. I think it serves us well to realize that difficult life events viewed only from the side of the difficulties don’t give the entire story. We must always understand that in all things, there is a purpose; we must be confident there is always hope, even when we can’t see it.

It would not have been from the view of the peaceful Nativity that Mary lived for the next several months. I feel pretty confident that as her pregnancy became apparent, there were ladies looking down upon her and talking behind her back. Even as we find later in the account that Joseph was a kind man, she faced his understandable removal from their arrangement.

He first committed to quietly walking away from the betrothal to be told by God there was another side to the story. Believing he became her husband after the birth of Christ and cared for this baby as a father should. There would be no stretch of the imagination to think she would have dealt with the scorn in her community no matter what Joseph or others who loved her said.

A Woman of Faith and Honor

In a complete contradiction to human understanding, she found herself in a place of honor. I believe this was given to her because she believed and she was willing. Her next response did not consider the what-ifs, did not react to the tongue-waggers of the neighborhood, but was led by pure faith in the God she served. Augustine once said of this lady, “Mary first conceived Christ in her heart by faith before she conceived in the womb.”

“And Mary said to the angel, ‘How will this be, since I am a virgin?’ And the angel answered her, ‘The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be called holy—the Son of God. And behold, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son, and this is the sixth month with her who was called barren. For nothing will be impossible with God.’

And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.’ And the angel departed from her.” Luke 1:34-38

Mary was not without some common sense here. The obvious question: but I’m a virgin! The explanation he gave was perhaps a bit difficult to comprehend, but I love that he followed up with a touch of relatable. He told her something that was until that time unknown: Her relative Elizabeth was going to have a baby.

The family knew well that Elizabeth and Zechariah wanted children but could not have them. They were well advanced in age at this point in the story and never would. This was a game-changer. What a perfect stepping stone to expand one’s faith, finding out that God had already done the impossible.

Mary ended this conversation well. She said, I’m all in. She didn’t say perhaps I’m kind of on board. She didn’t state that there were contingencies to be met for her to be comfortable before she agreed. This lady said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word” (Luke 1:38).

This meant she accepted as truth what she had just been told. She agreed to take the road ahead, even knowing its potential difficulty. This amazing young lady agreed to live through all that was asked of her willingly. Truly, Mary, the mother of Christ, was a lady of honor—one we would do well to learn from, a great example to us all.

(Original artwork by Simon Dewey.)

—
If you’re curious to learn more about who God is, start here: Grit and Grace, but What About God? – 105.

I’m one of those people whose facial expressions coincide with the dialogue taking place in their head. So, I’m sure that on this particular day, anyone watching me push my shopping cart would have wondered if I was having an emotional breakdown as I went from scowling to nodding my head to grinning slightly and then back to scowling.

Why Do We Put Up with the Christmas Chaos?

My thoughts went something like this: I am so tired of the insanity of this time of year. Doesn’t it seem that it is just one more overdone, overcommitted, overdemanding holiday thrown at every overwrought woman pushing their shopping carts near me? But I DO love this season: the lights, decorations, music, and celebrating the birth of Christ. But is that what all this stuff I’m looking at means? I continued this back-and-forth discussion on the merits and failings of the season for the next 45 minutes of shopping.

I have always loved Christmas. But as I walked through this conversation, I checked off the pressures that come with the occasion. There’s the decorating to be done, the meals to prepare, the parties to attend, the gifts to purchase… What do they have to do with the origin? The birth of a Savior?

I realized, amid my self-awareness therapy, that each of these “demands” can have a lot to do with why we celebrate in the first place. All it takes is a little perspective—like so many other things in life.

If we take a deeper look at the things we do during this holiday season, it can bring a little bit of heaven to earth.

The Decorations

We decorate to create beauty. C. S. Lewis often referred to this world as the Shadowlands, a mere reflection of what is. I realize that the beauty of heaven, the future world in which we will reside, is entirely beyond my comprehension.

But, as I sit in my living room with the twinkling lights, ornaments, and ribbons I worked so hard to place on the tree, I love the feeling it gives me. I have decorated my home from the front lawn to the back to celebrate a day that means everything to me. Should not a celebration of such worth in this world be adorned? I’m sure that in the world to come, our breath will be taken away by the beauty of the celebration in which we will participate.

The Preparation

We cook the meals, clean the home, and throw the parties to serve those we love. The cooking, cleaning, and caring for our family seemingly stretches us beyond our capacity—sometimes making us feel like Gumby with arms and legs pulled beyond human ability.

But what is at the heart of all this extra effort you give? You desire to love well, to emulate the very essence of the God who walked this earth. The 13th chapter of the book of John is a magnificent picture of how Jesus demonstrated his love.

Shortly after entering the streets of Jerusalem and being honored as the King of the Jews, he laid his cloak aside and began washing his disciples’ feet. This act was nearly unthinkable for those with whom he walked. Through this, he did not suggest that we should do everything for all people. That isn’t the service that was on display in the life of our Savior. He washed the feet of his followers, his nearest and dearest companions in his life.

When we show the same selfless love to our family this season, it reflects the character of the One whose birth we are celebrating. A little bit of heaven is seen on Earth when we show those we love that we serve them because Christ served us first.

The Needs

During this time of year, we see and become more sensitive to the needs of others. I love that we are reminded of those in need. Whether it is the Salvation Army kettle in front of Walmart, the shoebox campaign before Thanksgiving, or the Toys for Tots bins placed strategically in stores, the reality that the challenges of others are more significant and greater than ours is on display.

Several years ago, I worked with the Salvation Army on a song by Geoff Moore and The Distance, “Heart to God, Hand to Man.” I was then captivated by this passionate phrase that was and is the central theme to their cause: “Heart to God,” when fully realized, creates a desire to offer a “Hand to Man.”

The Christ Child, born fully man and fully God, came to Earth to meet the needs of those around him. He showed us how to care for others, from healing sicknesses and hearts to delighting in children and providing food miraculously for thousands. When we do the same in this season, we again bring heaven to earth.

We give gifts—purposefully selected, planned for, purchased, and, at times, hastily wrapped for someone who has meaning in our lives. But our gifts pale in comparison to the one given to us.

Isaiah 9:6 tells us of this truth, “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given.” The gifts we give reflect the gift of a Father, who gave to us a Child we celebrate, who left the comfort of his kingdom, and the position he held to meet the deepest need of every one of us. When we leave our comfortable homes to offer a mere reflection of his great gift, we once again bring a little bit of heaven to Earth.

As we await the break of Christmas morning and anticipate this day’s delight, may it remind us of the hope we have for another day that we hold dear. On that day, the clouds will part, and the Christ Child will return as King to heal all hurt, right all wrongs, and gather us to celebrate with him as our hope becomes real and our faith is fully seen. Until then, let’s celebrate here. Let’s celebrate now, and by doing so, bring a little bit of heaven to this earth.

—

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash
For more help and inspiration for your holiday season, start with this helpful podcast episode: Stop the Holiday Hustle: Celebrate More, Stress Less – 064

But what is often overlooked is the woman behind the effort to make this a holiday worth celebrating. As is often true in life there is a “behind the scenes” lady of persuasion, a humble yet determined crusader of a concept.

Sarah Josepha Hale’s Pursuit of Education

Sarah Josepha Hale was born in 1788 to Captain Gordon Buell and Martha Whittlesay Buell. Having been educated by her parents, an unlikely thing for a lady of that day, she was subsequently encouraged in her education by her husband, David Hale. His belief in her was a major pillar to who she would later become.

Each evening they set aside two hours to read together. “In all our mental pursuits, it seemed the aim of my husband to enlighten my reason, strengthen my judgment, and give me confidence in my own powers of mind, which he estimated much higher than I. But this approbation which he bestowed on my talents has been of great encouragement to me in attempting the duties that have since become my portion.”

His belief in her ability, along with their commitment to spending time together each evening sharing a mutual love, reading, expanded upon what she had already been taught. It was her husband’s death (leaving her with five children to support) which caused her thirst for knowledge to then become the catalyst for her career.

Reading was not the only interest this self-educated lady had; she loved to write as well. Seeking to care for her family, she compiled her collection of poems, including Mary Had A Little Lamb. Through the financial assistance of friends, this book was published, providing the family income they greatly needed.

It was shortly after this collection was successfully put into print that she was invited by a Boston publishing firm to become the editor of the first American magazine for women, simply entitled Ladies Magazine. The success of that periodical led to its sale to Louis Godey, who then launched Godey’s Lady Book under her direction.

The magazine encouraged education among women, which was still often overlooked, seeking female writers when developing the content. As Sarah stated, “We do not believe in the mental inequality of the sexes, we believe that the man and the woman have each a work to do, for which they are specially qualified, and in which they are called to excel.”

The Need for Thanksgiving

It was in these years that Sarah launched her one-woman campaign to make Thanksgiving a national holiday. She truly believed it would be a greatly needed restorative holiday. “There is a deep moral influence in these periodical seasons of rejoicing, in which whole communities participate. They bring out . . . the best sympathies in our natures.”

She began her crusade both editorially in the magazines she headed and in written letters to government officials. For 15 years she received repeated denial by governors and territory leaders, yet this did not deter this tenacious lady. She continued her family Thanksgiving celebration, as did many of her peers, as well as her annual requests to the powers that be.

“There is a deep moral influence in these periodical seasons of rejoicing, in which whole communities participate. They bring out . . . the best sympathies in our natures.”

The Civil War began in the year of 1861, but in the mind of this lady, that meant even more of a need for this particular holiday. In 1863, she wrote a three-page letter to President Abraham Lincoln. At the same time she also wrote a letter stating her case to the Secretary of State, William Seward. Within one week of receiving this correspondence, Secretary Seward penned the declaration on October 3, 1863 that President Lincoln signed into law.

The correspondence written (attached below) was masterful in her presentation at this most opportune time. She proved the strength of a woman and the determination of a cause. She could deliver an argument well with humility, strength, and persuasion. She believed in a concept that she tenaciously lobbied for, one that we celebrate even to this day. Having never given up her quest, she held to a thought that proved absolutely to be true: to never underestimate the “Secret, silent influence of women.”

LETTER FROM SARAH JOSEPH HALE TO ABRAHAM LINCOLN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
From Sarah J. Hale to Abraham Lincoln
Philadelphia, Sept. 28th 1863.

Sir,

Permit me, as Editress of the “Lady’s Book”, to request a few minutes of your precious time, while laying before you a subject of deep interest to myself and — as I trust — even to the President of our Republic, of some importance. This subject is to have the day of our annual Thanksgiving made a National and fixed Union Festival.

You may have observed that, for some years past, there has been an increasing interest felt in our land to have the Thanksgiving held on the same day, in all the States; it now needs National recognition and authoritive fixation, only, to become permanently, an American custom and institution.

Enclosed are three papers (being printed these are easily read) which will make the idea and its progress clear and show also the popularity of the plan.

For the last fifteen years I have set forth this idea in the “Lady’s Book”, and placed the papers before the Governors of all the States and Territories — also I have sent these to our Ministers abroad, and our Missionaries to the heathen — and commanders in the Navy. From the recipients I have received, uniformly the most kind approval. Two of these letters, one from Governor (now General) Banks and one from Governor Morgan are enclosed; both gentlemen as you will see, have nobly aided to bring about the desired Thanksgiving Union.

But I find there are obstacles not possible to be overcome without legislative aid — that each State should, by statute, make it obligatory on the Governor to appoint the last Thursday of November, annually, as Thanksgiving Day; — or, as this way would require years to be realized, it has occurred to me that a proclamation from the President of the United States would be the best, surest and most fitting method of National appointment.

I have written to my friend, Hon. Wm. H. Seward, and requested him to confer with President Lincoln on this subject. As the President of the United States has the power of appointments for the District of Columbia and the Territories; also for the Army and Navy and all American citizens abroad who claim protection from the U. S. Flag — could he not, with right as well as duty, issue his proclamation for a Day of National Thanksgiving for all the above classes of persons? And would it not be fitting and patriotic for him to appeal to the Governors of all the States, inviting and commending these to unite in issuing proclamations for the last Thursday in November as the Day of Thanksgiving for the people of each State? Thus the great Union Festival of America would be established.

Now the purpose of this letter is to entreat President Lincoln to put forth his Proclamation, appointing the last Thursday in November (which falls this year on the 26th) as the National Thanksgiving for all those classes of people who are under the National Government particularly, and commending this Union Thanksgiving to each State Executive: thus, by the noble example and action of the President of the United States, the permanency and unity of our Great American Festival of Thanksgiving would be forever secured.

An immediate proclamation would be necessary, so as to reach all the States in season for State appointments, also to anticipate the early appointments by Governors.

Excuse the liberty I have taken.

With profound respect.

Yours truly,
Sarah Josepha Hale, Editress of the “Ladys Book”

—
Unsure of how you can have an impact like Sarah? Listen to this podcast episode to find out: Doubt Your Influence? We Don’t and Here’s Why – 124

The fast forward button isn’t a thing—at least not yet—so you’re better off focusing on the good in each day. In fact, studies show that just a few minutes of practicing gratitude each day reaps numerous health benefits—stress relief, reduced depression, and better sleep among them.

In this episode of Smart Living with Grit and Grace, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender offer hope for the woman looking for a reason to be thankful. Darlene vulnerably reveals the small but bright moments that carried her through her young daughter’s hospitalization years ago, and together, the duo shares the benefits of committing to daily gratitude practices, such as journaling or vocally expressing your appreciation for big and small joys alike, even in seasons of hardship.

It may feel forced initially, but over time, you’ll find your perspective shifting to see the highlight of each day, rather than the lows. And those will cultivate a heart that rests in gratitude.

Quote of the episode:

“Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.” —Psalm 95:1-2

Resources

Related

• “30-Day Gratitude Challenges Are Selling Us Short”
• “Keeping a Record of Gratitude Can Change Your Life”

Mentioned

• Check out the Smart Living book series here!
• Grab a copy of Julie’s Smart Living book, When Marriage Is Hard, here!

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In this podcast episode, co-hosts Darlene Brock and Julie Bender rip off the band-aid: We can’t get rid of stress entirely. But we can get a better handle on it by dealing with it in healthier ways. Part of the trick is recognizing when you’re stressed; what responses and behaviors you default to when overwhelm takes a hold. Then, when you feel it coming on, implement one or more of these six practical tips for mitigating stress:

1. Take time for self-care.
2. Talk to someone you trust.
3. Get moving.
4. Find the humor.
5. Abstain from social media when necessary.
6. Practice gratitude.

As Darlene and Julie chat through each of these tips and their application, you’ll find specific combinations and variations that work best with your schedule and emotions to deal with stress head-on.

Quote of the episode:

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid.” —James 14:27

Resources

Related

• “Feeling Stressed Out? Here Are 5 Tips to Stay Calm”
• “Stop the Holiday Hustle: Celebrate More, Stress Less – 064”

Mentioned

• Check out the Smart Living book series here!

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In this episode of Smart Living with Grit and Grace, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender discuss how to find confidence when you’re transitioning into a new stage of life. Starting retirement, getting married, entering motherhood, searching for your next job can all leave you with a fuzzy vision of your purpose and the value you offer. To get you back on track, the duo shares the importance of detaching yourself from your role and learning how to embrace change as an opportunity for a blank slate. You’ll also discover how to find meaning in the slow, quiet seasons in between.

Quote of the episode:

“For I am about to do something new. See? I’ve already begun. Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness; I will create rivers in a dry wasteland.” —Isaiah 43:19

Resources

Related

• “Where Can I Find the Purpose of Life”
• “Finding Purpose When Another Door Closes”
• “When Life Changes, Does Your Purpose Change Too?”
• “How Do I Know What Defines Me?”
• “Do You Know Your Purpose? It May Surprise You! – 193”

Mentioned

• Check out the Smart Living book series here!

Be sure to follow us on social media!
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Instagram
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So ask yourself, do you really want to be 90 years old, comfortable in your lift chair, and remember a relationship you once had? Pondering the friend you lost because of anger over something you can no longer recall? The sibling rivalry you never outgrew? Or the parent you walked away from? Probably not. So, how do you manage this repair process before the knees give out and the memory fades?

Here are the 5 Steps to begin mending fences.

1. Remember the Good.

Quit focusing on what went wrong. Instead, focus on the good things, the good times, and the relationship that was. You had a relationship before. One that had great moments, heartwarming memories, shared laughter and probably shared heartbreak. Those can be created again so let those memories lead the way.

2. Reach Out.

Don’t let pride tell you they must make the first move. It may never happen, and it’s too important not to be the one who steps up. It will take courage, humility, and even embedded in a good dose of fear to re-engage. But put all of those emotions aside and be the one to take that step.

Now’s the time to start mending the fences that are in need of repair between us. The damaged or broken relationships we all experience.

3. Apologize.

Yep, you may not have been the initiator or the difficult one, but you can’t say you did everything right. No one does. So tell them you’re sorry! There is always something you can be sorry about, so be willing to acknowledge it.

4. Talk.

About the problem if need be, about the good times, about the future. Starting these conversations usually brings trepidation. What if? Leads your thoughts. They may not want to engage, relive, or review the past. They may reject you, with no interest in building toward the future. Or they may not. Beginning a new conversation is the only way you will find out and imperative to rebuilding your relationship.

5. Follow Up.

Relationship rebuilding will take time, attention, and commitment. A relationship that needs mending, much like mending fences, takes time, materials, and effort. It’s not one-and-done. Nor should it be. Know that as you take the steps toward healing, it’s worth the investment, so make it.

Reach out today. Reach out next week. Work up the courage and reach out. Each relationship repaired will be an added treasure refined, polished, and perfected in this thing we call life. And in this season of life, that kind of treasure is one of the most valuable things in our lives.

—
For more on healthy relationships, check out:

Grit Without a Hard Heart
5 Tips to Build Healthy Relationships
A Worthy Investment—Unhurried Time with Friends
How to Use The 5 Love Languages for Strong Friendships

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You’ll enjoy this episode of This Grit and Grace Life podcast: Great Friends: 9 Qualities to Be One and Find One – 031!

In this episode of Smart Living with Grit and Grace, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender dive into the prickly topic of nagging. It’s something many of us would like to think we don’t do, but we often innocently fall into the habit. They share the tell-tale signs of nagging, how to uncover the root cause of our repeated requests, and the way we can more clearly and kindly communicate them to those we care about.

Quote of the episode:

“It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.” —Proverbs 21:19

Resources

Related

• • “Marriage Advice That Will Change Things More Than You Think…”
  • “The 3-Day Rule: My Mother-in-Law’s Secret to a Happy Marriage”

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But we couldn’t avoid it this year. We desperately needed a parent’s guide to Halloween, but there wasn’t one. Our daughter wanted to dress up; she wanted to grab a bucket and get some of that great stuff that people were giving away.

Looking at her dad, she began to lobby. I saw his ready-to-throw-down look pass across his face and the set in his jaw I had come to know well. They were on a collision course. She started crying, and before it went any further I called a time out.

I needed to assist in sorting through the emotions of the two strongest willed humans within our home. My husband and I needed a time out too. We needed to figure out what our stand should be. So I sent our daughter to her room, got my husband a cup of coffee, and we sat down to talk.

Pinpoint Your Values

This was one of many discussions we had as parents where we had to sort through what really mattered to us, which often ran counter to what the culture was inserting into our children’s lives. We learned that we had to figure out how to be on the same page in order to find solutions that worked.

I completely agreed with my husband that evil in many forms is celebrated on this holiday. But that was not our daughter’s viewpoint. She wanted to be a princess. Actually—she wanted to be a princess every day—this was just one day she could make sure the world knew she was!

This was one of many discussions we had as parents where we had to sort through what really mattered to us, which often ran counter to what the culture was inserting into our children’s lives.

We talked about the long road. What was it about this night that we hated? What parts could our family participate in while excluding ourselves from the things we did not like? Was there anything fundamentally wrong with joining friends, going to neighbors’ homes, and gathering that candy? Was there anything unsafe about an evening spent in this manner?

Our Parent’s Guide to Halloween

It was a session of give and take between two parents who wanted to set a principled example, while at the same time allowing our girl to feel like she was a part of the world around her. We concluded our conversation and then brought her into the room to give her the verdict. She could become another “trick or treater”—that is—if she was willing to do it on our terms.

• No costume could ever display anything inappropriate … whether it was an elementary-aged witch or an immodest teenage version of a costume (we didn’t discuss the latter at four years old; it was a later conversation). This was an easy one for her that year; being a princess was it for her.

• She would only go where we took her … the homes and locations of our choosing. Her horizon was limited—no problem there.

• Once back home, candy would be sorted through by us first, so that we could determine if there were any pieces she could not have. She wasn’t sure about that one, but if it got her out the door—she was in.

She vigorously agreed to all the terms. We ran out and got her costume, grabbed the flashlight, and began what became our annual neighborhood candy gathering.

What became interesting over the years is that the rules created at that moment led to future discussions with our daughters about making life choices in the world in which we live. We had many healthy dialogues in our family on gleaning good things out of life’s events and removing those things that we thought should be left behind.

This was also one of many discussions like this between my husband and me Navigating children from birth to independence brings an abundance of influences that parents have to sort through. But for this holiday create your own parent’s guide to Halloween.

Sometimes he would take the hard line; other times I did. But we discovered something that worked every time we tried it: send the kids out of the room, grab a cup of coffee, and start up the conversation. Each time we did we made each other better, becoming a wonderful counterbalance to whichever one of us was slightly off scale. We made decisions that we could stand behind, united, with the goal of giving our daughters our very best.

—
You’ll enjoy this episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Rest Easy Moms, Here Are the Things That Matter – 102!

“The year I lost my father to suicide, it was an uncomfortable subject for most people to discuss. Perhaps today, it still is. Unfortunately, this loss is no longer isolated or age-specific. It now impacts the lives and hearts of so many.

I wish I had someone who understood what I was feeling when I lost my father. Someone who shared my emotions because, unfortunately, they had shared my experience. But I didn’t.

I want to be that for those who find themselves in this pain-ridden journey. I am sharing what I experienced and how I found healing and hope. It is my prayer that this book serves as a step toward your hope and healing as well.”

—Darlene Brock, on why she wrote her book When Suicide Touches Your Life

About When Suicide Touches Your Life

Discover the journey toward hope in When Suicide Touches Your Life. This compelling guidebook takes you through the depths of despair to the hope of healing.

As author Darlene Brock shares her story of the devastating loss of her father to suicide, you will be given the opportunity to navigate your own loss.  

As one who understands the depths of your sorrow, Darlene gently nudges you towards healing and hope. Her words will help you find strength in the face of pain and peace in the chaos left by suicide’s wake.

Her hope is that this book be your guiding light toward healing after a loss like no other.   

When Suicide Touches Your Life
Click HERE to read a sample or flip through the PDF below.

Grab your copy in paperback or ebook, then use the included QR code to instantly unlock your journal.

About Darlene Brock

Button image by Tim/Pixabay

In those years, an unplanned pregnancy had even more impact on a female’s life than it does today. Girls were labeled, often looked down upon, which didn’t make a lot of sense since they were not alone in their activity. They merely experienced the possible consequences that many others risked. It was as if there was a drawing once a month, and they drew the short straw.

Unplanned Pregnancy: A Fork in the Road

I had two friends during those years who missed a period. For another month we had secretive phone calls, sure that this monthly miss was emotionally driven or just random because they had skipped a period before. We were teenagers; nothing in our lives felt definitive. We were still figuring it all out and thought periods held to that same reality.

The last thing either of my friends wanted to believe was that they were pregnant. They were terrified to deal with the reality of what was not just an unplanned pregnancy but an unwanted one as well. For days, tears were shed before surrendering to the need for confirmation, the “I can’t wait any longer; I need to find out if I am going to have a baby.”

Jessica’s Story

My first friend (I will call her Jessica because you don’t need to know her name to know her story) told her mom what she suspected. She was the daughter of a single mother who had gone through a tough divorce yet was a strong and understanding woman.

Looking back now, I think Jessica’s mom’s strength was in part because of her life challenges. She was a lady to be admired and one who walked this journey with her daughter. We were juniors in high school that year. The confirmation of her pregnancy came in October.

This was during the time when obvious pregnancies were not allowed on campus, which seemed unfair since the boy who fathered the child did not have to give up his education. I never really understood the purpose behind this rule. You would think that watching a 16-year-old girl waddle through the halls bearing the evidence of the thing for which she hadn’t planned would be a deterrent for her peers. Walking past her every day as everyone went to class, there would be a glaring reminder that having sex produces babies. A quick education that wouldn’t require a biology class.

Jessica’s mother arranged for her to go live at a “home specifically for girls in her circumstances” over Christmas because that is when she would have to stop attending school due to her pregnancy showing. It was a place where she could carry the child to term while continuing her education and then return the next year as a senior as if nothing happened.

It was also the place where Jessica decided to put her child up for adoption, a child with whom she would never see or have contact with again.

Amy’s Story

My other friend, Amy (again, not her real name), verified her pregnancy after graduating from high school. I had entered the job market as a 19-year-old, and she had already attended one year of college. She had her career path laid out, a boyfriend she thought she loved, and a plan for her future. A future which, of course, included the boyfriend (even though he quickly exited upon the news). But it did not include a baby. The last thing she wanted in life was to raise this child alone and put off college, not knowing if she would be able to return. Wrestling with the options alone (or, should I say, with peers who were entirely insufficient), she worked through it all to draw her conclusion.

Amy didn’t have a great relationship with her parents. In hindsight, I’m not sure why. Perhaps it was the fear of their opinion or disappointment, or maybe she knew they would not support her choice. But, she was of legal age, so the decision was entirely hers. Her parents, or anyone else for that matter, didn’t even have to know there ever was a pregnancy.

Abortion seemed like the simplest solution and the most viable alternative. And in many ways, it was. By this time, the law had been in place for several years, and we knew a few other girls who had the procedure done with apparently no severe consequences. The college year would begin again in a few months, so the clinic would be Amy’s next step as she determined she would end the pregnancy, which she did.

The Rest of the Story

Both of these girls were a part of my life for a few more years. As often happens with friendships at this age, you lose touch over time. But, before we went our separate ways, I gained an emotional education through their lives. After determining their babies would not be part of their future, I watched as the tears came, and it happened for quite some time afterward. It could be with no prior warning—we might be at the mall diligently sorting through the sale racks when a mom with a stroller would pass…

It was almost without exception I would catch these girls wiping the tears from their eyes or blinking quickly, stating the sales aren’t good enough here so we should move on. The first time it happened when I was with Jessica, I was puzzled; I didn’t see what she saw and certainly didn’t feel what she felt. I was just a 17-year-old looking for a new outfit. Then I realized what the catalyst was: She saw her baby in that stroller, the one she had seen briefly after giving birth, who had been given up for adoption and was never see again. Her heart was broken, her sadness justified.

After determining their babies would not be part of their future, I watched as the tears came, and it happened for quite some time afterward.

With Amy, it felt confusing because we thought there never was a real baby. At least that was what we had been told. The decision she made did not affect a “real” life, and that information we received made the decision a little easier. But she would tear up too. It took several times of trying to comfort her, not knowing how, and her saying she was sorry for being so silly before we sat down and talked, really talked. She felt like she had become a mother and now she wasn’t. The brief period she was pregnant brought emotions she had not expected. What if she wanted babies in the future but the opportunity never came again? What had she given up?

The Heartbreaking Reality

In the life of both of my friends, they experienced motherhood. They had suffered the after-effects of their heart given to another without even knowing when or how it happened—Jessica’s heart to the one whom she would hand to another to raise, Amy’s to one  she would never meet.

Walking through these days with my friends, I realized that even though each girl made a different choice, their reactions were identical. It was the first time that I understood that motherhood begins when a new life begins. The desires and the nurturing nature of a mother are evident early in a pregnancy and that doesn’t change even if the circumstances do. How many times have we watched in helplessness when someone we love experiences a miscarriage? Whether in the first trimester or the third, the loss is devastating and their grief is palpable because that child is real.

The comfort Jessica found was knowing she had given her baby life, a family, and a future. Perhaps she would see that child again one day. What Amy battled was just the opposite. There was no future for the life of her baby; there was no family to love and care for this infant who, she realized too late, deserved that chance.

In the disputes that fill the news, media, and confrontations on the streets, we fail to acknowledge one of the most natural instincts in a woman’s life: to care for her children. To protect them, to stand in harm’s way. Whether the mother is 16 or 36, the heart is nearly always engaged and often hurt by the decisions made.

I don’t know what the future held for either one of these friends of mine. But what I am quite confident of is the tears shed the first few years after their pregnancy are still part of their life story. The baby that was very briefly theirs made them a mother, at least for a while. Jessica had already started a new life the last time I saw her. And for Amy, I am also confident that healing was something she could find; it’s my prayer that she did.

With unplanned pregnancies, there are no easy or painless solutions. No simple choice can change the circumstances without heartache or challenges. “Free love” wasn’t really free, and the simple decision among a small group of people never factored in that there was a real cost to be paid.

Being a mother and all that comes with it does begin in the very moment of a baby’s existence. The missed period, the plus sign on a pregnancy stick, means that there is another life within. What I learned from Jessica and Amy is that this life mattered. They felt it every day. What we thought was just a detour or problem to be solved was instead a child, one that would forever hold residence in their hearts.

—
If you or someone you know is dealing with an unplanned pregnancy or another difficult fork in the road, then don’t miss this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: How to Make Decisions (Even the Hard Ones) – 076

Grace is the anchor of our faith, the reason for the confidence we have in a God of mercy. It’s what is extended to us through a relationship with God established by the sacrifice of Christ. When we accept it from our Creator, it seems it should be such an easy thing to extend because he does it so magnificently. But for us to live our lives offering the same grace to others is anything but an easy task.

Living a life of grace is very often misinterpreted. Some believe it’s an indicator of weakness. In the eyes of many, extending the truest form of grace, which is forgiveness, means giving up. Others believe grace is automatic and easy to show. Quite the contrary—living a life of grace takes an enormous amount of strength and a boatload of tenacity.

“Living a life of grace takes an enormous amount of strength and a boatload of tenacity.” Darlene Brock

Deciding Whether or Not to Choose Grace

When you find yourself faced with a choice to walk away and give up or to offer grace to another even when undeserved, as was extended to us, there are five things you must be willing to do.

1. Invite God into it. You have been hurt, and you’re likely still hurting—which makes forgiveness complicated. Sometimes we feel as though extending forgiveness invalidates our pain. Quite the contrary; even if we do show grace, our pain still matters to God. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

2. Deal honestly. It doesn’t require forgetting, excusing, or ignoring the problem. Discuss the conflict. Remember that listening, as well as speaking, is essential. “For the one who has caused me grief has not only grieved me but, to some extent, has caused you all grief as well. I believe that your united rebuke has been punishment enough for him. Instead of more punishment, what he needs most is your encouragement through your gracious display of forgiveness. I beg you to reaffirm your deep love for him.” 2 Corinthians 2:5-8 TPT

3. Make a choice. Grace is extended decisively; we are encouraged to do so by the God who gave it to us. This takes strength we may feel we don’t have, but the choice is ours to make. “Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.” Ephesians 4:2 NLT

4. Leave the past behind. It’s not real grace (forgiveness) if you don’t let go of what was.“Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.” Colossians 3:13-14 NLT

5. Build the future. Move forward in the relationship, not to accept repeat offenses but to offer a fresh start.

Every action that extends grace must be clothed in strength and ladled with determination and endurance. This type of grace is the beginning and end of our faith. It is most certainly one of the lovely traits that create a woman’s real beauty and strength.

—
For more articles on grace and forgiveness, start here:

Why You Should Just Have That Hard Conversation (And How to Do It)
Can You Forgive When There’s No Apology?
5 Tips for Mending Fences
Ask Dr. Zoe – My Boyfriend Has Hurt Me, Should I Forgive Him?

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You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Are You a Strong Woman of Grit and Grace?

Being single is neither a malady nor a deficiency; it’s just a place in life. And it can be a really good place. Here is how to make sure that it is.

5 Ways to Love Your Single Life

1. Don’t wait for life; live life. Remove the sentence, “I will (move, travel, buy a house, change careers) when I find that perfect (whatever that may be).” Do it now, plan that travel; you might even choose to travel solo. Maybe find a realtor to shop for that house. If the mortgage seems daunting, plan to rent rooms to a friend. Want a new job, need education to get there. Whatever you want to do, do!

2. Find free, frittering friends—friends who are free enough to take that spontaneous trip or share that movie-binging, popcorn-eating weekend. You’re not alone, even when there are days you feel that way. Find them, enjoy sharing life and memories, and build those relationships.

3. Don’t take the bait. When well-intentioned, married friends want to discuss how to not be single, change the subject. When they want to discuss available single men and the paths to leaving the single life behind, take a bathroom break. Let them know you love your life, but just don’t go there.

4. Create your “family” structure. Identify your safety net for help when needed and be theirs too. It could be your free-frittering friends, your married friends, or your church community. Doesn’t matter where you find those who will be there to help, find them. The day will come when you need them and true friends are delighted to be the ones you run to.

5. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. If you don’t believe you’re at a disadvantage in life, others won’t either. You are exactly where you need to be. Take advantage of this time. Recognize that there are opportunities available in your life that others can’t pursue. So focus there and celebrate.

There is a verse in Ecclesiastes 3:1 “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.” There’s a purpose in where you are today, so follow it, live it, and love your single life.

These five things will carry you well. Make a list of each and the steps you can take to incorporate them into the world you find yourself in. Don’t wait, do it now. Find those friends and make those plans. Ignore the suggestions, input, and well-meaning interference.  Surround yourself with “family” one of your choosing. Finally, recognize there is no deficit in the life you are living. In fact, it can even be an excellent option.  You have a full, fruitful life and are perfect exactly as you are.

Make the most of life exactly where you are. There are many things that you can do, see, or be that you will never be able to do with that permanent plus one, so head out that door and get ‘er done.

—
You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: What Do the Words “Grit” and “Grace” Actually Mean? – 117

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While we want to help our children grow up to be productive, loving, kind adults, we don’t want to force them into a one-size-fits-all little person. There are some things that the clamoring masses tell us we should deal with in our children that just aren’t true.

The challenges you face with your little person may well be the most important traits required to become the adult you dream they will.

1. A mischievous child

Curiosity is the catalyst for all new inventions and great discoveries. Mischief is always in the heart of the curious.

2. A defiant child

Determination is required for achievement, especially in a world where a resounding “that can’t be done” is often heard.

3. An obsessive child

Persistence to solve a problem or to fix something broken is at the heart of life achievement.

4. A daydreamer

Creativity is born in the tranquil brain cells of the artistic. Music, art, and design all grow in the fertile field of dreams.

5. An average student

Most corporations are led by “C” students. It is not an amazing GPA that builds leadership.

So moms, take the super-woman cape off and take it off your child too. Yes, guide, discipline, and lead, but do not conform to the expectations of others. You may just be bringing up the next Einstein, Steve Jobs, or Picasso.

—
For related content on motherhood issues, start with this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: How to Raise Responsible Kids: Tips for Every Age – 087!
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There have been seasons filled with faith, believing every promise, and feeling so confident in my purpose and the warmth of his presence. I have also had seasons when I felt as if I was drowning in heartbreak, despair, and discouragement, wondering if he was even there or heard the cry of my heart. Wondering as I have believed if God loves us.

In the discouraging times, when God felt so absent from my life, I immediately thought that I had heard wrong or done something wrong. I knew my heart—no matter how much I tried—was incredibly capable of sin. Yes, I had moved on from the “big sins,” the ones that seem to upset us Christians so. Only to realize that God doesn’t have the same measuring stick we hold; jealousy, envy, pride, anger (not the righteous kind), and even looking at someone else and wishing you could be them, have what they have, or be the “Christian” they are are—all sins too. I had not, nor will I in this life, entirely move away from those. They are the tough ones.

But I have learned and grown to be comfortable with a few things about my God, things that settle my heart and offer me peace when there is turmoil. After all my years of daily reading his Word, praying, creating journals, attending Bible studies, and filling out workbooks, I know less about God than I thought I did when I was 30. While my relationship with him has grown deeper and more dear, I have realized my human understanding cannot comprehend his greatness. The boxes I tried to fit the Creator of the universe into, could not contain him. He is so much more broad, grand, astonishing, and magnificent than the simplicity of my theology or the limits of my expectations. His ways are above ours and honestly, who can know the mind of God? Because of who he is, I have come to be confident that I can trust him, even when I don’t understand.

Incomprehensible, True Love

The other thing I have learned is that he loves me (and you too) in ways I cannot comprehend nor truly replicate in my life. Even when I doubt, sin, distrust, languish in discouragement or acknowledge the weakness of my humanity, he loves me. The real truth is, he is love. Not just the definition of it; love is his very being. There is no other pure form of this feeling, expression, or action than that which is embodied in the God who left his throne, trading the perfection of heaven for the frailty of earth, who came to give his life for us.

If you are even a little bit familiar with the Bible, you’ve probably heard 1 Corinthians 13 referred to as the love chapter. I have often looked to it as the conduct I need to strive to be like Christ. But it was recently in a book I’ve been reading by Steve Brown, entitled Talk the Walk, that I comprehended that this is the description of Jesus, how he feels about us, and how he loves us. In this book, he suggested that instead of reading this passage as “love is,” to change the words in each line to “Jesus’ love for me is…” This simple change crystalized more to me than ever in my life how he truly and faithfully loves every one of us.

Read these and know each statement made about love is from Jesus to you.

• Jesus’ love for me suffers long and is kind. There is nothing I can do, say, or be that makes him give up on me; he treats me kindly even when I am undeserving.
• Jesus’ love for me is trusted to think no evil. When others condemn me, or I condemn myself, he does not.
• Jesus’ love for me does not rejoice in my failings but rejoices in truth. There is no celebration when I mess up, but when I get it right, there’s a party.
• Jesus’ love for me is a promise to bear all things. The weight of all I carry, he carries with me—even for me—when I may not feel it or believe that to be true.
• Jesus’ love for me is such that it will believe all things. He sees in me much of what I don’t see in myself and knows the day will come when I will become the perfect me.
• Jesus’ love for me is faithful to endure all things. When I think he’s had enough, he hasn’t. He never walks away.
• Jesus’ love for me is always hopeful. He knows what can be even when it’s not my current reality.
• Jesus’ love for me is the only one that will never fail. You can take this one to the bank. It’s worth more than every treasure ever accumulated on this earth. His love never—without hesitation, caveat, or disclaimer—will fail.

There is a song penned by Daniel Joseph and Toby McKeehan (TobyMac) that has always resonated with me. The lyrics ask these questions, “What if I stumble, what if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all? Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?” These may be questions you have asked yourself; I know I have. You see, I am neither as good as I want to be or as bad as I could be, I am still a work in progress, growing in grace. I am going to stumble, and I will fall. When I do, I’m sure others want to take me to task. They think it’s theirs to question my heart and point out my humanity, but 1 Corinthians tells me that that won’t come from the God I serve.

Instead, what I now know in my heart and desire that every other child of God knows as well is this: “May you be able to feel and understand… how long, how wide, how deep, and how high [God’s] love really is; and to experience this love for yourselves” (Ephesians 3:19a TLB).

I have learned that he loves me (and you too) in ways I cannot comprehend nor truly replicate in my life… The real truth is, he is love.

—

For more articles on being a strong woman growing in her faith, start here:

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How to Pray (When You Feel Like You Don’t Know How)
It Was an Undeniable Miracle I Will Never Forget
What Does It Mean to Be a Virtuous Woman?
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It is when I read the book of Ecclesiastes that I find myself uttering a huge sigh and often resist the urge to just pound my head against the wall. I mean, really, life is meaningless? Yes, in case you haven’t read Ecclesiastes, that’s what King Solomon shares.

This man lived the most elaborate life: possessing wealth untold, wisdom more than any other, challenges from enemies, and way too many wives. And what was the final musing of this king? That there truly is a lot of meaninglessness in this world.

I have awakened many days wondering if what I am doing has any value and whether I am accomplishing anything of purpose…so the statement does have value. But to write life off as completely meaningless—I certainly can’t!

Finding purpose with God as our starting point.

As you read further in the text and elsewhere throughout the Bible, you discover an enormous amount of hope and meaning to be found in each day. The last chapter of Ecclesiastes speaks of what we are to do when we’re young: love God and follow Him so that we have no regrets when we are old. We can indeed find purpose in the mundane parts of life, and loving God is our starting point.

When asked “which is the greatest commandment?” Jesus’ reply took this concept even further. “Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’” (Matt 22:37-38).

Love the One who holds your purpose.

Finding your ultimate purpose begins with loving God. This is not a demand; it is an invitation. But an invitation to what? To recognize our need for Him and realize the chasm that separates us from God, and to understand the sacrifice made by the same Jesus who elaborated on our loving relationships. Then, finally, to accept the love from the only one who offers it perfectly and extends ours in return.

It is a generous offer from a personal God who knows us completely. He alone knows who we are in our heart of hearts, our strengths, our weaknesses, and the talents and abilities we possess. He also knows the paths that will bring us fulfillment. He will walk with us as we discover our ability to accomplish things we never thought possible, delighting with us when we do.

You are created for a unique void in the world.

The second part of Jesus’ reply was that we love our neighbors as ourselves. This one is a two-parter. We often say that we must love others, and that is true, but to do it well, we must love ourselves first. This is not a request to look in the mirror and declare out loud “you are one fine woman,” although we may need to do that, especially on tough days. This is an invitation to understand we are special, unique, have a place in this world that is solely ours, and within us is all that we need to fulfill it. We have worth and are here to fulfill a purpose.

That understanding gives us the ability to look at those around us through the same lens, recognizing their worth and unique place within the family of God. When you have just a little time, read 1 Corinthians 12:12-26. You will find an analogy that uses the parts of the body to speak of believers and their diversity and how they make up the body of Christ. Not only does it speak of their diversity, but their equality of importance, their protectiveness of one another, and their acts of love toward one another. When one is hurting, all suffer with that one. When one is honored, all rejoice together.

We have worth and are here to fulfill a purpose.

As our purpose unfolds when we choose to love God, it naturally transforms into the ability to love others—which is a real display of finding our purpose. I truly love Matthew 25:34-40, which reminds us of some of the simplest ways we can care for others. A portion of which says this, “For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me” (NLT).

So, it is true that life can be meaningless, but it need not be so. There is purpose to be found in our faith—a purpose built in love. It is ours to love God and love others. Can you even imagine how this world would be transformed if we individually embraced this as our purpose? If each of us who claim this faith were to love in the manner that we are loved? If our hearts were completely given to the God we love, following His example as He walked this earth? If we fed the hungry, took in the stranger, clothed the poor, cared for the sick, and visited the prisoners? If we put aside our differences and focused on what joins us together, following the real purpose in our faith—to love and love well?

Let’s share this purpose with those around us, encouraging others by our sincere actions. I am confident not only that we can, but that in many places we already are. As Paul wrote to the church in Thessalonica, I would write the same to you, “So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11, NLT).

So know this: life is not meaningless. Our faith reveals that there is great and rich meaning. One easily acted upon and recognizable by all: to love. And, my friends, to do it with all our hearts.

What is Self-Love? | Watch this now.

—
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Check out this episode from This Grit and Grace Life podcast: 7 Lessons From Easter That Matter Every Day – 086!

Can you imagine how this world would be transformed if we embraced this as our purpose?

We may not fully understand the origin of this day or the gravity of its inception. But remember, we must. This day was created to honor those who died in military service and those who lost their lives while standing for what they believe, valiantly defending others.

On May 5, 1865, three years after the Civil War ended, Memorial Day was recognized as a national holiday to be observed on May 30. According to the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, “It is believed that date was chosen because flowers would be in bloom all over the country.”¹ However, placing flowers on the graves of those who died in war—the act that started this American holiday—is one that can be traced as far back as early Greece. Soldiers have been rightfully honored throughout history.

In the United States, it is recorded that flowers being placed upon soldiers’ graves began as early as the American Revolution. But it was the end of the Civil War when loved ones from both the North and the South made their pilgrimage to the graves of those who paid the ultimate price. More than 600,000 Americans died fighting one another, the price paid was dear, and the heartbreak among those who were left was displayed in every petal laid, and every wreath that was hung.²

It was under the leadership of women amidst this war that the formal practice was enacted, their way to love those whom they had lost.³ The first widely publicized observance of a Memorial Day ritual was after the war’s end in Charleston, SC, on May 1, 1865. At least 257 Union soldiers had died and were hastily buried in unmarked graves. Freedman’s relief organizations and formerly enslaved people cleaned and landscaped the area and decorated the graves with flowers where these valiant soldiers were buried. Nearly 10,000 were in attendance on this day to commemorate the price that was paid. The crowd was comprised largely of those who had gained their freedom, including nearly 3,000 newly enrolled school students and children of those freed slaves. According to the National Museum of American History, “Scholar David Blight has christened this event the first Memorial Day: ‘What you have there is black Americans recently freed from slavery announcing to the world with their flowers, their feet, and their songs what the War had been about. What they basically were creating was the Independence Day of a Second American Revolution,’ he said in a recent speech.⁴

This day was created to honor those who died in military service; those who lost their lives while standing for what they believe, valiantly defending others.

As states followed suit in adopting this national holiday, the North was led by the state of Michigan. Ceremonies were planned and executed by the Women’s Relief Corps, as well as the female contingency of the Grand Army of the Republic. 73 cemeteries in the North were filled with soldiers who lost their lives, and it was the women of their communities who covered the grounds with flowers and stood by the gravesides to remember what had been given.⁵

In the South, too, the women took the lead. The Ladies Memorial Association covered the soldiers’ graves with the same care given, with hand-picked bouquets and gently assembled wreaths. The Daughters of the Confederacy was formed to continue honoring those they loved, those who died for what they believed in.⁶ Their heartache was no less painful than the wives, mothers, and daughters of the North.

Originally named “Decoration Day,” this observance of those who truly gave all so that others could be safe, protected, and free has been a day of honor—an opportunity to show that we recognize the cost. World War I and II, Korea, Vietnam, and the current wars in the Middle East have left families with men and women missing from their three-day celebrations, absent, and never to participate again.

They have fought for the rights and freedom of others, most of whom they never met. They have gained the liberty of fellow soldiers from prison camps, the remaining family members imprisoned in concentration camps, and broken the backs of dictators whose only acts were to beat down the downtrodden. They have stood against evil and often, in doing so, lost their lives.

Memorial Day is not just a day to enjoy our family, and our friends or to take a break from our everyday life. This day is to remember. This day is to honor. This day is to decorate graves in sober thankfulness for those who were willing to stand for others, no matter the cost—the epitome of grit and grace.

—

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Are You a Strong Woman of Grit and Grace? – 072!

Whether she is a biological, foster, step, or adoptive mom, all mothers have offered a glimpse into the “love chapter” in the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13. This portrait of perfect love can be seen through these imperfect ladies in the things they do daily. From their simple acts and unrelenting patience to their profound endurance, mothers exemplify the impact of love. These are the days that illustrate a mother’s legacy to her children.

A Mother’s Legacy

Love is patient and kind.
We see this in the hours that a mother of a child with special needs sits in the doctor’s waiting room, trying to entertain and distract her precious child, who is facing another unpleasant visit. It can be seen when the unanswerable question “Why?” is asked for the fifteenth time by her three-year-old, yet the mother still tries to answer it. Or when she takes her daughter shopping from sun-up to sundown to find the perfect dress for the dance.

“The best part of being a mom to me is the unconditional love. I have never felt a love as pure, a love that’s as rewarding.” Monica Denise Brown

It does not demand its own way.
It’s when a mother delights in her child’s first word, “dada,” even if it’s not the one she hoped to hear. She willingly decided to set aside her own life pursuits because her child, in this season, needed her more. When she determines that the family budget can be trimmed because her child’s boredom in school is finally interpreted correctly: He is academically gifted, which requires a change in education to reach his full potential.

“When Thomas Edison’s teacher sent him home with a note that said, ‘Your child is dumb; we can’t do anything for him.’ Mrs. Edison wrote back, ‘You do not understand my boy. I will teach him myself.'”

It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
When she keeps silent as she watches her middle school child stomp up the stairs, mumbling angry adjectives directed toward her the entire way, even though she is exhausted from the encounter. The realization that her child is stealing from the family to support a drug habit, yet her only concern is how to help her child overcome this addiction. Holding back the easily spoken “I told you so” because the lesson has painstakingly been learned.

“The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.” Honore de Balzac

Love never gives up, never loses faith.
When a foster mom is willing to face the frequent visits to the courtroom advocating for a child who is not her own, she treats him as such while he’s in her care. She spends evenings pouring over homework that seems impossible for her child and is steadfast until mastered. Remaining on her knees, praying for that prodigal child and believing that one day they will find their way home.

“I think in a lot of ways unconditional love is a myth. My mom’s the only reason I know it’s a real thing.” Conor Oberst

Is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
Discovering her child is the target of bullying and acting to protect her. Beginning the difficult motherhood transition from protecting to preparing, letting the hard knocks hit enough so adulthood will be successful. Providing constant reinforcement to the doubtful child to help them believe they can no matter what the challenge.

“All that I am or hope to be I owe to my angel mother. I remember my mother’s prayers, and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life.” Abraham Lincoln

But love will last forever!
The legacy of love a mother creates will not be felt only on Mother’s Day but every day. It is not in the dramatic moments or perfect acts but in the simple, tenacious, and enduring ones. Those moments and memories make up a legacy every mother can leave.

“My mother thinks I am the best. And I was raised to always believe what my mother tells me.” Diego Maradona

Woodrow Wilson got it right when he made this American declaration; a mother is worthy of honor. The countless acts and frequent sacrifices often remain unrecognized. The long days and short nights in a mother’s life are vital to building the next generation. The love they display daily is the backbone of healthy children. It is also the purest form of a loving God portrayed to us.

So this second Sunday in May, celebrate the moms in your life doing the job many shy away from. Let them know you see her, you treasure her and are thankful for her.

—
Motherhood isn’t always sunshine and roses. Here’s one mom’s advice for how to manage those less-than-ideal days: How Do We Handle the Messiness of Motherhood? with Laila Schell – 168

Doors open at 9:00 for check-in, light refreshments and shopping. The event begins at 10:00 and ends by 3:30. It includes brunch, shopping, and main and breakout sessions that will encourage you in all aspects of life.

You get to pick two breakout sessions as well as the main events, and they include:

• Marriage—Building it Stronger. If you feel your marriage is steady and in a healthy place but want to keep it that way, this session will offer steps and understanding to strengthen and make it more resilient so that healthy relationships can meet and conquer each season of life.
• Marriage—When it Gets Bumpy. Perhaps you’ve had a few struggles—little ones where you cannot connect and see eye to eye, Or struggles that feel as if the chasm is too great to overcome. Even though we realize there are no guarantees, this session will offer encouragement, hope, and real-life how-tos, helping you as you seek to create the relationship you hoped for on the day you said, “I do.”
• Motherhood—The Early Years. Littles are exhausting. From the moment they enter your home through elementary school, you will experience delight, challenges, roadblocks, and a full-steam-ahead life. Juggling everything can leave an exhausted mom wondering how to do this. This session will offer hope with insights that all you put into this life season is worth it.
• Motherhood—Teen to Adult. Those kids cuddling you at three are growing up and changing. They have their way of thinking that may feel confounding at times. This session helps you navigate these transitional years, offering hope for a healthy, loving relationship through these many life changes.
• Self-Worth—Am I Enough? Is this a question you have asked yourself in any area of life? When your self-worth becomes battered in relationships, motherhood, beauty, career, or you don’t think you compare. This session will challenge those feelings because God created you to be enough, no matter your circumstances.
• Purpose—Finding Your Purpose in Every Season. Women face a unique challenge because their lives are ever-changing. As we say in our podcast, “From the boardroom to the bedroom, cars to college, being single, married or single again.” In this ever-changing world, we often wonder what our purpose is. This session will help you understand that a purpose exists in every season and how to find it.

So, join us as together we are Running the Race with Grit and Grace!

The moaning and commiserating began. “That’s the truth; there’s nothing worse. It makes you feel awful,” one said. “Yeah, my mom said that and I remembered it for days. There is nothing worse than disappointing your mom,” replied another.

Now, these were grown men who make their living talking on the airwaves—cajoling, ridiculing, looking at life events and editorializing as if their opinions mattered. Yet the one thing they all agreed on was it killed them when they were told they had let their mom down.

Good to know, moms! You sometimes wonder if what you think matters; if your opinion of your kids means a thing. When we take a moment as adults to recount the punishments we remember, often the biggest impact in our lives was the simple sadness we saw in our parent’s eyes. The times when they believed we could have done better. No grounding, no sitting in the corner, no removal of a cell phone, computer, or TV can make this kind of impact on our children.

There is nothing worse than disappointing your mom.

Children really do want the approval of their mom. They want to think they make her proud. Even if they act as if it doesn’t matter, knowing they have disappointed their mom makes their heart sober, and their sadness is real. If you could go beyond the bedroom door that they closed behind them, you would see that to be true.

So moms, use your words of disapproval sparingly. Save them for the times when a child really has disappointed you. Then, let them know you know they can do better and that you expect them to be better. It’s the punishment that will make the most impact. The one they will remember.

—
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#gritandgracelife

Imagine those ideas never saw the light of day. We would be utterly secure as nick-free and hair-covered females. But not so. It takes the very bravest of us in this country to throw the razors and tweezers away to enjoy the liberation of more than the hair on our head blowing in the wind.

Even though we haven’t given up those particular beauty choices, there are some that we have thankfully left behind. I call those the “What Were We Thinking?” acts of beautifying women through history. Here are just a few:

No-Fail Hair Removal

The ladies of ancient Egypt created depilatory pastes from highly poisonous arsenic and quicklime (which we currently use to make cement). Perhaps they were married to a man looking for his next conquest and he found this simple way to disentangle himself from his current one. “Here, honey, bought this at the stand by the Nile. I’m told it will make your skin feel so much better.”

Wigs, Grand and Tall

In the 1800s, the taller the wig, the more beautiful you appeared. So, what’s lying around the house to achieve that effect? Well, lard of course! The downside was that they had to place cages around their wigs at night to keep the rats out. The upside, squeeze that mound of hair and voila’, you could fry a chicken.

The Extreme Diet

The early 1900s brought this brilliant concept as a means to stay thin. Swallow a few tapeworm eggs which would then hatch inside of you. Their entire goal was to consume the food in your digestive tract. And we think we try crazy diets!

Freckle Removal

Tired of those cute little spots on your face? A mixture of lemon juice and sugar with a healthy amount of Borax thrown in was the perfect answer for the ladies at the turn of the 20th century. I’m sure it also peeled a layer of skin, but if you ran out of laundry detergent, you could use this cleaner to get the whites whiter!

I call these the “What Were We Thinking?” acts of beautifying women through history. They will make you laugh and cringe!

Eyebrow Emotion

The glamour of early Hollywood brought the “she certainly looks full of angst” eyebrow. Plucked thin and penciled downward, these brows made every damsel seem to be in distress.

Bronze Sun Lovers

There was a time when it was entirely normal to stop at the local drugstore on the way to the beach to pick up a bottle of baby oil and Iodine. Pouring enough baby oil out to mix in the Iodine, you throw it in the car with the beach towels and sand buckets to slather it on every exposed area of your tender skin. You either got tan or created orange streaks—either was acceptable from your day at the beach.

The Domestic Hair Straightener

During the era of the hippie movement, long, straight locks were a must. Break out the ironing board and get to work. Lay those locks where the shirts usually land, cover, and iron! The biggest challenge was avoiding the first degree burns on your neck if you didn’t have a friend to help.

The moral of this walk through time and reflection upon what we subjected ourselves to in the past is this: the next time some trend hits the market that doesn’t work for you, don’t do it! If it looks ugly on you, don’t wear it! If it’s painful, don’t use it! If it contains questionable poison, throw it away! If it doesn’t provide the miracle results it promises, don’t buy it!

Become liberated ladies! Your real beauty will not be discovered in all these products, promises, or packages. Real beauty is found in your strength!

—

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Don’t miss this episode of our podcast where we discuss more crazy beauty regimens of the past but also what really makes a woman beautiful: What Makes a Woman Beautiful (Might Surprise You) – 043!

Just to give every mom a pass, I want to share a few of those everyday mom moments that we all live through:

1. Since your first child was a girl, you quickly learn that face first when changing your newborn son is a dangerous place to be.

2. You mumble “good job” in your sleep because it appears to be the only two words you can speak during the day to keep anything moving forward.

3. While running out of the house, you find your child’s missing water gun…stuffed in the foot of your brand new leather boots.

4. You find yourself picking up the Cheetos off the floorboard of the car because you were pitching them into the back seat one at a time to feed the kids behind you.

5. You dig through every child’s sock drawer trying to find the two that might kind of match, even if they aren’t the same size.

6. You pretend to help your 10-year-old find his favorite piece of Halloween candy when you know you ate it after he went to bed the night before.

7. After your middle school child stomps off to their bedroom, you stomp off to yours. Wise enough! Do your ranting facedown into your pillow (because you are the “grown-up”).

8. While sitting in the passenger’s seat, you pound your brake foot through the floorboard because you’re teaching the just-turned-15-year-old how to drive.

9. You dislocate your right shoulder because that boy in the car seat behind you wants to hold your hand while you drive him to day care…then ponder if he will still love his mommy just as much when he heads off to college.

Enjoy the ride and laugh at the nonsense! You will teach them well, getting a whole lot more right than you do wrong. And remember, you’re not alone.

—
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#gritandgracelife

Loneliness has plagued all of us through time, sometimes leaving us feeling lost for a few hours or a few days. In other seasons, we may discover we awaken each morning and end each day with a chronic hurt and ache that lay within the feeling of aloneness.

What surprised me most in this survey were the results for each generation. A summary from NPR cited these statistics: Members of Generation Z, born between the mid-1990s and the early 2000s, had an overall loneliness score of 48.3. Millennials, just a little bit older, scored 45.3. By comparison, Baby Boomers scored 42.4. The Greatest Generation, people ages 72 and above, had a score of 38.6 on the loneliness scale.

I imagine you, like myself, would have assumed the exact opposite. We perceive the older generation as isolated and the younger as busy, active, and engaged. While that may be true in simple life activities, it is not true in relationships.

Loneliness may be plaguing someone you know, you work with, someone you briefly encounter in your day, or perhaps this is even you. But this survey, along with others, shows us there is indeed an epidemic. Unlike a disease or virus that we have no control over, this is one that we can and should attack. There are some whose loneliness is so severe that more actions are needed than I can suggest here. And I do encourage those suffering to seek help. But I believe if those of us who don’t struggle with loneliness took a little time and made a bit of an effort, we could reduce this loneliness epidemic. And if you’re one who does struggle, put aside those insecurities and feelings of inadequacy to take a few steps toward building those relationships that hold so much value.

Let me give you a few ideas of things that can make a real difference when you’re feeling lonely:

Be the initiator.

Be the first to reach out, create the opportunity, or offer the invitation. It could be a neighbor, classmate, friend of a friend, or even the server at the restaurant you frequent. If the percentages are true, nearly 50% of the people you encounter would welcome the exchange.

This will take courage for the introvert or extrovert, for the lonely, and for those whose relationship plate is full. But look around. If half of everyone in the room is lonely, the need is great. And if you are one of those, what do you have to lose?

Give more than a handshake.

If you’re at an event, club meeting, or church service, have you considered saying more than “Good morning?” Even at the grocery store with the cashier scanning your purchases. Ask their name and where they are from, and find something to compliment. Notice the person next to you, in front of you.  Do they have a unique tattoo or piece of jewelry? Their gorgeous skin or lovely hair color. Let them know that you see them.

It may feel incredibly awkward the first few times you do this but trust me on this, they will smile, they will engage they will share something you wouldn’t know if you hadn’t asked. If you just give something a little extra that makes them know they matter they will believe they do as well.

Loneliness may be plaguing someone you know, you work with, someone you briefly encounter in your day, or perhaps this is even you.

Offer your most precious gift, time.

There are quick interactions that make a big difference. In a world that ignores those who live near us, maybe we take a plate of cookies (even if they are store-bought) over to the new neighbor as they close the moving van. You notice a co-worker struggling, maybe with their job, or it seems life is taking a toll. Stop and give them a few extra minutes when you see they need it. Take those extra minutes to chat when walking your dog, even if you’re being tangled in the leash.

Or purposefully dedicate more time. Offer to meet up for coffee or a meal. Do they need to be around a group of people? Invite them to an event, join you for a movie, or to your church. Even offer to pick them up. In a world that focuses on self, sharing your time shows you truly care. And if you’re the one who is lonely, time spent together is the best way to build new relationships.

Look others in the eye.

There is nothing that makes someone feel more alone than when they think everything else in your life is more important than they are. Don’t glance at the Apple watch, cell phone, or even over their shoulder at what is happening behind them. Look them in the eye.

We all need to know we are the focus of another’s attention again, that they see us, eager for our response, anticipation of a real reaction and conversation. Looking into another’s eyes creates a connection as well as an understanding of their feelings.

Ask questions.

Real questions. The most significant solution to loneliness is finding someone who cares about our lives. Not just the surface high spot but the real honest, joyful, challenging parts of our lives.

We are truly alike, facing similar battles, with the same emotions and needs—to love and be loved. Or at least feel we are noticed and liked. Real questions allowing time for real answers will remind us of that. So ask and listen—the best way deep relationships are created.

So the next time you enter a room of 100, remember that nearly half are battling loneliness. If you’re one who is in that battle, I want you to know you are not alone in your feelings or your hurt. People in every event, every workplace, every family feel just as you do. Reach out as well; you may discover a relationship you didn’t know was there.

One of the very early Beatles songs, entitled Eleanor Rigby, is profound in its lyrics and amazingly sad in its observation. Its chorus asked a few questions that I think deserve an answer:

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong

Where do they come from? Our hurried, disinterested society. Where do they belong? They belong with us, with you, and with me. As a part of our community, our neighborhood, our church, our family, our lives. May we seek those who feel lonely to let them know they are not alone? And may we be courageous enough to reach out when that is us.

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For more encouragement on self-worth and community, check out:

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You’ll enjoy this episode of our podcast Great Friends: 9 Qualities to Be One and Find One – 031

This happens to nearly every woman who is seeking that ever-after relationship. The concessions don’t happen quickly; they occur slowly, often without even realizing you’re giving up what you thought you had found. Settling for the opposite of what you were looking for.

As you reflect on the early days of your relationship, those romantic gestures once given still hold a special place in your heart. Those memories remind you of what you thought you were building and keep you looking for the times that symbolize thoughtfulness and care. They may occasionally still come but is that enough?

It’s essential to recognize that a relationship is built on more than just grand gestures and beautiful flowers. While a thoughtful bouquet can certainly brighten your day, it’s the deeper connections, shared experiences, and mutual understanding that truly nurture a partnership. If you’ve found yourself compromising on what you need in a relationship, it might be time to have an open conversation about your desires and expectations. Remember, love should not only be about occasional surprises but also about consistent support, respect, and growth together. Embracing both the small gestures and the larger commitments can lead to a more fulfilling and balanced partnership.

When the relationship began, your time together was exciting; this was a new adventure with a man you liked. You had fun, shared interests, and he was attentive and understanding. Even his explanation for failed relationships made sense. All seemed to go well. There were a few things that didn’t quite gel, and they placed a slight doubt in your mind. Nevertheless, you pushed those aside, believing he was who you wanted him to be.

Perhaps you made “the list,” the one we all make… or at least intend to. The qualities and traits you wanted in a man before you entered the dating world. Your first list probably contained more than 45 items, everything from he’s taller than me, he doesn’t leave dirty dishes in the living room, he’s really cute, he’s willing to do the laundry, he pays his bills, he drives a great car, he holds a job, and he shares my faith.

You begin to compromise on your dating checklist—in both good and bad ways.

As you move forward in a relationship, you realize some of the items that made their way onto your list don’t really matter. These are things you can overlook; they’re easy to cross off. Perhaps he’s not taller than you but is incredibly secure when you wear heels, so that’s no big deal. Maybe he’s not good at laundry, but he does make sure your car gets serviced. A man “kind of cute” becomes a whole lot cuter when you discover he’s a really great guy.

But, there are a handful of items that you don’t want to lose from your “I wrote this before I met this guy” checklist; these need to be written in red, bolded, underlined, and taped on every mirror in your home!

Unfortunately, you will find that the more involved you get with a man, the harder it is to separate your emotions from these absolutes. The list comes off the mirror, placed in the bottom of the makeup drawer. I want to tell you that this happens to even the strongest woman. Our feelings become more prominent as our investment in the relationship goes deeper, and our absolutes take a back seat. Trust me on this. You are not alone!

It makes sense. You are having a great time with him. He gives you gifts; attention takes you to lovely places. He says the things you want to hear. He attends church with you. After the sixth time you pull into the parking lot together, he reveals he hasn’t walked through the church doors in five years. He has a job, but it’s the fourth one held in his undecipherable timeline.

At this point, you probably think that there are so few good men out there, and there’s a lot about him you like. So, isn’t he good enough? And if he’s not, you think maybe you can help him become the man you believe he is capable of being.

So, you move forward, not veering off the course of planning a long-term relationship with this guy with whom you have already invested so much of your life. You see, as women, we are looking for a man to whom we can give our heart. When we do, we offer our all. Our emotions, our attention, and our willingness to help fix whatever needs fixing. We seldom hold anything back: soul or body. In today’s culture, it seems that this is expected of us, even when we are unsure. Holding oneself out for something more is often looked upon with confusion and even, at times, with disdain.

Unfortunately, you will find that the more involved you get with a man the harder it is to separate your emotions from the absolutes.

But ladies, holding out is something that you should do.

You should want a relationship built upon the emotional health and integrity of both partners; it’s something you not only want but need. You need a man whom you can trust in everyday life. Before you hand him your emotions, your allegiance, your certainty in the future of “two shall become one,” before you surrender your very body to another, you must know who he truly is.

You will not discover the true character of a man in the excitement or thrill of a new relationship. It’s more than the words or simple actions that are part of a dating relationship. Instead, it is looking behind those words to see whether he is the man you need or not.

What every woman needs will probably not make its way into a romantic movie. It isn’t the candlelit dinner by the edge of the pond or the last kiss with the camera tilting upward, fading for the final shot. Life is not the ride off into happily ever after because life doesn’t create a happily ever after; instead, the future is real-life.

Before you hand him your emotions, your allegiance, your certainty in the future of “two shall become one,” before you surrender your very body to another, you must know who he truly is.

Ask yourself, “Does my boyfriend have what it takes to build a good life together?”

It is in those real-life moments that you want to believe he has the integrity to partner with you and handle the day-to-day. He may bring you flowers, but I’m here to tell you that it is not enough. You want to know which man you are dating: does he simply bring flowers, or does he bring more?

He brings me flowers to win my heart
He brings me truthfulness to earn my trust

He willingly carries my purse in public
He lovingly carries my pain in private

He remembers our special days
He remembers to pick up the kids

He makes reservations for Valentine’s Day
He cooks dinner when I’ve had a bad day

He keeps my picture on his phone
He holds my needs in his heart

He makes promises of good times
He keeps his promises in bad times

He tells me he loves me
He shows me he loves me

You see, we aren’t looking for a man to turn our head; we are looking for a man to give our heart. It is the most valuable part of what we offer, and when we do, we are also willing to give everything—body and soul—in a lifelong relationship.

If that is true, then the man must be trustworthy. He must be honorable and willing to offer his all in return. Before you hand over your heart, dear friend, you must know that you are with a man who is not only capable but willing to keep your heart safe. Not just for today but until death do you part.

To download a printable PDF of the poem above, click here.

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You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: When to Leave an Unhealthy Relationship with Your Man – with Dr. Zoe Shaw – 024

But, there is always, may I emphatically without reservation repeat the word always, a path to create the change. Forever and in all things there is hope. Maybe I need to scream this one … there is hope when you need to make a change!

I know this because I lived it. Sometimes I took action, and sometimes I did not.

Stuck in a job you don’t like? Kids won’t behave? Have a boyfriend whose video games take precedence over your relationship? Have you made compromises you regret? Maybe the road you’re on is not the one you intended? Ok, we’ve all found ourselves there. The question is, what ya gonna do about it?

The hard part is recognizing that all change begins with you. So, let me get you started with a few tips that this amazing hindsight has taught me.

Here are 6 steps to take when you need to make a change:

1. Identify. What specifically needs to be changed? Consider this slowly, thoughtfully.

2. Define. What are you seeking; your purpose and goals? Happiness is not the end but the byproduct of achieving those.

3. Accept. Be willing to accept that the problem may be your doing (hated that one!). It’s not simply someone else’s fault. We hold responsibility, even if it’s getting into the mess in the first place.

4. Plan. It must be specific, purposed and achievable.

5. Find your people. Find capable, compassionate, supportive folks to assist.

6. Do it. Step up to do the hard work to make this life change.

You’ll never find that fulfilling career, keep the kids in line (at least the majority of the time), build healthy relationships, or be content alone unless you take action. You will never rise above your compromises or make this new road until you do.

So when life finds you stuck, defeated, or discouraged, take heart. This is not the end of the road, only an opportunity to build your off ramp, the way to get from where you are to where you want to go. Then years later as you have your own hindsight, you’ll see the great things that happened simply because you did.

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Need to make a change in how you talk to yourself? You need to watch this!

In reality, it’s the last thing you want to take on. A tooth extraction seems more pleasant. But one thing I do know is if there’s a conversation you’ve been avoiding, it’s usually the one you need to have. Nothing will change if you don’t deal with it—change will only come when you do.

To have the highest possible rate of success in these dreaded life moments, there are a few things to understand before, during, and after the fateful day.

6 Steps to Begin That Hard Conversation

1. You probably aren’t the only one who feels the elephant in the room.

Yours may not be the only sweaty palms, queasy stomach, or anxious, wiggling foot. There is an excellent chance the other party feels the same way. Or, if they don’t, they can tell you do—which could potentially lead to all kinds of misunderstanding. Either way, evasion is a bad plan.

2. Avoid creating mental conversations before you get to the real ones.

I tend to write a complete and thorough dialogue in my mind, walking through an entire conversation that will never match reality. It’s not worth the energy (emotional or mental) to spend time on something that will probably never happen in the way you’ve imagined. Save it for the one that does.

If there’s a conversation you’ve been avoiding, it’s usually the one you need to have.

3. Everything you think and feel will not be right.

This is not an opportunity for you to be absolute in your opinion. As you approach the conversation, remember you don’t possess all knowledge of what may be going on. You haven’t heard their view or perception yet. And this may surprise you—some of your attitudes and opinions are simply wrong. This is true for all of us.

4. Open the conversation without accusation or blame.

No one—I repeat no one—responds well when they think they are being attacked. If you want a positive resolution when the day is done, then grace is the trait that should lace every word you speak, surrounding every difficult thing you have to say.

5. Don’t just talk, but truly listen.

When we spend so much emotional energy building up to the conversation, we are often filled to overflowing with things we want to say. They don’t all need to be said. As the conversation proceeds, choose to say what really matters.

6. Remember this may be one of several conversations.

Wouldn’t we all love it if one conversation resolved all human conflict, and sometimes it does. More often, though, it takes several more. You’ve invested in the first one; be willing to do the rest of the work.

So, don’t waste another day or endure another sleepless night before you ask that person for time to talk. Wipe off those sweaty palms, pick up the phone, and reach out. Find a neutral time and agree on a neutral place to begin the hard conversation you’ve been avoiding. It’s worth the time, it’s worth the effort, and our relationships will grow deeper and become stronger when we deal with the tough stuff. This really is a necessary step in truly living a grit and grace life.

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Interested in more relationship advice? Start with this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: How to Feel Your Emotions in a Healthy Way With Dr. Zoe Shaw – 075

I’m one of those people whose facial expressions coincide with the dialogue taking place in their head. So, I’m sure that on this particular day, anyone watching me push my shopping cart would have wondered if I was having an emotional breakdown as I went from scowling to nodding my head to grinning slightly and then back to scowling.

Why Do We Put Up with the Christmas Chaos?

My thoughts went something like this: I am so tired of the insanity of this time of year. Doesn’t it seem that it is just one more overdone, overcommitted, overdemanding holiday thrown at every overwrought woman pushing their shopping carts near me? But I DO love this season: the lights, decorations, music, and celebrating the birth of Christ. But is that what all this stuff I’m looking at means? I continued this back-and-forth discussion on the merits and failings of the season for the next 45 minutes of shopping.

I have always loved Christmas. But as I walked through this conversation, I checked off the pressures that come with the occasion. There’s the decorating to be done, the meals to prepare, the parties to attend, the gifts to purchase… What do they have to do with the origin? The birth of a Savior?

I realized, amid my self-awareness therapy, that each of these “demands” can have a lot to do with why we celebrate in the first place. All it takes is a little perspective—like so many other things in life.

If we take a deeper look at the things we do during this holiday season, it can bring a little bit of heaven to earth.

The Decorations

We decorate to create beauty. C. S. Lewis often referred to this world as the Shadowlands, a mere reflection of what is. I realize that the beauty of heaven, the future world in which we will reside, is entirely beyond my comprehension.

But, as I sit in my living room with the twinkling lights, ornaments, and ribbons I worked so hard to place on the tree, I love the feeling it gives me. I have decorated my home from the front lawn to the back to celebrate a day that means everything to me. Should not a celebration of such worth in this world be adorned? I’m sure that in the world to come, our breath will be taken away by the beauty of the celebration in which we will participate.

The Preparation

We cook the meals, clean the home, and throw the parties to serve those we love. The cooking, cleaning, and caring for our family seemingly stretches us beyond our capacity—sometimes making us feel like Gumby with arms and legs pulled beyond human ability.

But what is at the heart of all this extra effort you give? You desire to love well, to emulate the very essence of the God who walked this earth. The 13th chapter of the book of John is a magnificent picture of how Jesus demonstrated his love.

Shortly after entering the streets of Jerusalem and being honored as the King of the Jews, he laid his cloak aside and began washing his disciples’ feet. This act was nearly unthinkable for those with whom he walked. Through this, he did not suggest that we should do everything for all people. That isn’t the service that was on display in the life of our Savior. He washed the feet of his followers, his nearest and dearest companions in his life.

When we show the same selfless love to our family this season, it reflects the character of the One whose birth we are celebrating. A little bit of heaven is seen on Earth when we show those we love that we serve them because Christ served us first.

The Needs

During this time of year, we see and become more sensitive to the needs of others. I love that we are reminded of those in need. Whether it is the Salvation Army kettle in front of Walmart, the shoebox campaign before Thanksgiving, or the Toys for Tots bins placed strategically in stores, the reality that the challenges of others are more significant and greater than ours is on display.

Several years ago, I worked with the Salvation Army on a song by Geoff Moore and The Distance, “Heart to God, Hand to Man.” I was then captivated by this passionate phrase that was and is the central theme to their cause: “Heart to God,” when fully realized, creates a desire to offer a “Hand to Man.”

The Christ Child, born fully man and fully God, came to Earth to meet the needs of those around him. He showed us how to care for others, from healing sicknesses and hearts to delighting in children and providing food miraculously for thousands. When we do the same in this season, we again bring heaven to earth.

We give gifts—purposefully selected, planned for, purchased, and, at times, hastily wrapped for someone who has meaning in our lives. But our gifts pale in comparison to the one given to us.

Isaiah 9:6 tells us of this truth, “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given.” The gifts we give reflect the gift of a Father, who gave to us a Child we celebrate, who left the comfort of his kingdom, and the position he held to meet the deepest need of every one of us. When we leave our comfortable homes to offer a mere reflection of his great gift, we once again bring a little bit of heaven to Earth.

As we await the break of Christmas morning and anticipate this day’s delight, may it remind us of the hope we have for another day that we hold dear. On that day, the clouds will part, and the Christ Child will return as King to heal all hurt, right all wrongs, and gather us to celebrate with him as our hope becomes real and our faith is fully seen. Until then, let’s celebrate here. Let’s celebrate now, and by doing so, bring a little bit of heaven to this earth.

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Photo by freestocks on Unsplash
For more help and inspiration for your holiday season, start with this helpful podcast episode: Stop the Holiday Hustle: Celebrate More, Stress Less – 064

Looking to start some family traditions? Here are a few to get you started:

1. Fill a jar from Thanksgiving to January 1 with special notes for each family member. Write one note a week to tell them something about them you treasure. On January 1, each member takes the notes written to them to begin the new year knowing their worth.

2. Decorate your tree with ornaments purchased from milestones in life or moments in time: marriage, baby shower, a vacation to the beach, a trip to the zoo…it becomes your life’s journey hung on the tree.

3. Get in the car in your pajamas with flavored popcorn and hot chocolate and drive through the decorated neighborhoods, taking in all the great Christmas lights.

4. Make candy or cookies then choose a group of people that you want to know are appreciated—hospital nurses, the local fire department, or police station. Bring your family to deliver the goods.

5. Choose a favorite family meal to enjoy each year, from breakfast pancakes to big pots of chili—just make it your own.

6. Keep a Christmas diary. Each year write a short summary of the year including highlights of the holidays.

7. Read the Christmas story from the book of Luke before you open gifts, putting all things in perspective.

Take these, add a few of your own, and create those traditions that your family will treasure…lasting from generation to generation.

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You might be a little stressed out thinking of the crowds, expenses and, let’s face it, those family members as you start this holiday season! No fear—Darlene and Julie cover ways that you can relax and still enjoy the holidays: Stop the Holiday Hustle: Celebrate More, Stress Less – 064

But what is often overlooked is the woman behind the effort to make this a holiday worth celebrating. As is often true in life there is a “behind the scenes” lady of persuasion, a humble yet determined crusader of a concept.

Sarah Josepha Hale’s Pursuit of Education

Sarah Josepha Hale was born in 1788 to Captain Gordon Buell and Martha Whittlesay Buell. Having been educated by her parents, an unlikely thing for a lady of that day, she was subsequently encouraged in her education by her husband, David Hale. His belief in her was a major pillar to who she would later become.

Each evening they set aside two hours to read together. “In all our mental pursuits, it seemed the aim of my husband to enlighten my reason, strengthen my judgment, and give me confidence in my own powers of mind, which he estimated much higher than I. But this approbation which he bestowed on my talents has been of great encouragement to me in attempting the duties that have since become my portion.”

His belief in her ability, along with their commitment to spending time together each evening sharing a mutual love, reading, expanded upon what she had already been taught. It was her husband’s death (leaving her with five children to support) which caused her thirst for knowledge to then become the catalyst for her career.

Reading was not the only interest this self-educated lady had; she loved to write as well. Seeking to care for her family, she compiled her collection of poems, including Mary Had A Little Lamb. Through the financial assistance of friends, this book was published, providing the family income they greatly needed.

It was shortly after this collection was successfully put into print that she was invited by a Boston publishing firm to become the editor of the first American magazine for women, simply entitled Ladies Magazine. The success of that periodical led to its sale to Louis Godey, who then launched Godey’s Lady Book under her direction.

The magazine encouraged education among women, which was still often overlooked, seeking female writers when developing the content. As Sarah stated, “We do not believe in the mental inequality of the sexes, we believe that the man and the woman have each a work to do, for which they are specially qualified, and in which they are called to excel.”

The Need for Thanksgiving

It was in these years that Sarah launched her one-woman campaign to make Thanksgiving a national holiday. She truly believed it would be a greatly needed restorative holiday. “There is a deep moral influence in these periodical seasons of rejoicing, in which whole communities participate. They bring out . . . the best sympathies in our natures.”

She began her crusade both editorially in the magazines she headed and in written letters to government officials. For 15 years she received repeated denial by governors and territory leaders, yet this did not deter this tenacious lady. She continued her family Thanksgiving celebration, as did many of her peers, as well as her annual requests to the powers that be.

“There is a deep moral influence in these periodical seasons of rejoicing, in which whole communities participate. They bring out . . . the best sympathies in our natures.”

The Civil War began in the year of 1861, but in the mind of this lady, that meant even more of a need for this particular holiday. In 1863, she wrote a three-page letter to President Abraham Lincoln. At the same time she also wrote a letter stating her case to the Secretary of State, William Seward. Within one week of receiving this correspondence, Secretary Seward penned the declaration on October 3, 1863 that President Lincoln signed into law.

The correspondence written (attached below) was masterful in her presentation at this most opportune time. She proved the strength of a woman and the determination of a cause. She could deliver an argument well with humility, strength, and persuasion. She believed in a concept that she tenaciously lobbied for, one that we celebrate even to this day. Having never given up her quest, she held to a thought that proved absolutely to be true: to never underestimate the “Secret, silent influence of women.”

LETTER FROM SARAH JOSEPH HALE TO ABRAHAM LINCOLN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
From Sarah J. Hale to Abraham Lincoln
Philadelphia, Sept. 28th 1863.

Sir,

Permit me, as Editress of the “Lady’s Book”, to request a few minutes of your precious time, while laying before you a subject of deep interest to myself and — as I trust — even to the President of our Republic, of some importance. This subject is to have the day of our annual Thanksgiving made a National and fixed Union Festival.

You may have observed that, for some years past, there has been an increasing interest felt in our land to have the Thanksgiving held on the same day, in all the States; it now needs National recognition and authoritive fixation, only, to become permanently, an American custom and institution.

Enclosed are three papers (being printed these are easily read) which will make the idea and its progress clear and show also the popularity of the plan.

For the last fifteen years I have set forth this idea in the “Lady’s Book”, and placed the papers before the Governors of all the States and Territories — also I have sent these to our Ministers abroad, and our Missionaries to the heathen — and commanders in the Navy. From the recipients I have received, uniformly the most kind approval. Two of these letters, one from Governor (now General) Banks and one from Governor Morgan are enclosed; both gentlemen as you will see, have nobly aided to bring about the desired Thanksgiving Union.

But I find there are obstacles not possible to be overcome without legislative aid — that each State should, by statute, make it obligatory on the Governor to appoint the last Thursday of November, annually, as Thanksgiving Day; — or, as this way would require years to be realized, it has occurred to me that a proclamation from the President of the United States would be the best, surest and most fitting method of National appointment.

I have written to my friend, Hon. Wm. H. Seward, and requested him to confer with President Lincoln on this subject. As the President of the United States has the power of appointments for the District of Columbia and the Territories; also for the Army and Navy and all American citizens abroad who claim protection from the U. S. Flag — could he not, with right as well as duty, issue his proclamation for a Day of National Thanksgiving for all the above classes of persons? And would it not be fitting and patriotic for him to appeal to the Governors of all the States, inviting and commending these to unite in issuing proclamations for the last Thursday in November as the Day of Thanksgiving for the people of each State? Thus the great Union Festival of America would be established.

Now the purpose of this letter is to entreat President Lincoln to put forth his Proclamation, appointing the last Thursday in November (which falls this year on the 26th) as the National Thanksgiving for all those classes of people who are under the National Government particularly, and commending this Union Thanksgiving to each State Executive: thus, by the noble example and action of the President of the United States, the permanency and unity of our Great American Festival of Thanksgiving would be forever secured.

An immediate proclamation would be necessary, so as to reach all the States in season for State appointments, also to anticipate the early appointments by Governors.

Excuse the liberty I have taken.

With profound respect.

Yours truly,
Sarah Josepha Hale, Editress of the “Ladys Book”

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Unsure of how you can have an impact like Sarah? Listen to this podcast episode to find out: Doubt Your Influence? We Don’t and Here’s Why – 124

The unspoken definition of a woman’s true beauty often appears on the cover of magazines in the grocery store checkout aisle.  Gracing the pages is a photo-shopped image of an already nearly perfect-looking human being. The flawless skin, sparkling eyes, not a hair out of place, and unrealistic body type make me want just to turn every magazine backward, so we don’t have to endure. Social media is even worse.

But having lived quite some time, walking alongside many women, I can honestly say that’s not the beauty I am drawn to. That is not to diminish the value of the physically beautiful women in our lives. Trust me, they really do have their own challenges, often insecure like every one of us.

The definition of beauty in Merriam-Webster Dictionary is this: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit. The assumption in our culture is that the definition is speaking of a quality that is physical, but that’s not what it says. The definition reads “qualities … that gives pleasure to the senses or exalts the mind or spirit.”

True Beauty is in What We Do

What brings me pleasure or inspires me in both mind and spirit, is watching a woman of strength in action. A woman who is steeled to confront the challenges she is facing or standing with those she loves.

Strength is defined as this: the quality or state of being strong; capacity for exertion or endurance; power to resist force; a legal, logical, or moral force. It sounds impressive, doesn’t it? And many days, unachievable.

But strength is not living in a state of perpetual endurance, power, and moral force. Strength is discovered in the desperation of hopelessness. It resides in the seasons of grief; it lives in the land of disappointment. Never are we to allow ourselves to believe the only show of strength is when we dismiss the pain of life. It is walking through the pain of life that our strength is created.

It is foolishness to believe the blows of life that hit will have no impact. They will hurt, need time to heal, and will leave scars. But we must remember that strength will be found in the process and scars are there as a reminder of the strength you gained.

When betrayal has come from someone you love, you will learn strength. You will learn strength when you lose your job or financial challenges create an undertow. When your child has run headlong into dangerous places with people who you know will bring harm, you will learn strength. When you think you have no more to give, there will be found strength on the horizon.

True Beauty Takes Time

It does not come easily; it is rarely instantaneous.

Real strength requires time. Real strength requires real life. Real strength is gained through life’s experience and is perfected when you reach the other side. In those days when it feels impossible, I can assure you that you will reach the other side in time.

Nothing is more beautiful than a woman of strength who has already traversed a difficult life road and then reaches out to one who is just beginning. Nothing is more beautiful than a woman with life scars who cradles another who is receiving the blows that create them.

True Beauty Brings Hope

Nothing is more beautiful than a woman of strength who offers hope because she has found it to one caught in the undertow of finances or job loss. Nothing is more beautiful than a woman of strength who will love their child unconditionally despite their questionable life choices.

The understanding and compassion in the eyes of a strong woman will create in others hope. It makes others believe there is life after. Strength is the truest quality of our real beauty and the one that should grace every cover of every magazine. It would come in all shapes and sizes, with perfect skin and without. Unlike the physical qualities of the ladies who pose for these covers, it is one that we all can possess. True beauty will forever “give pleasure to the senses, exalting both the mind and the spirit.” It is a beauty that will never fade.

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For other articles with encouragement as a strong woman, check out:

A Woman of Grit Without a Hard Heart
Anatomy of a Strong Woman
How to Become the Woman You Want to Be
Bible Verses From the Grit and Grace Team on Self-Worth

Don’t miss these popular articles:

10 Behaviors Found in the Inspired Woman
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#gritandgracelife

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Are You a Strong Woman of Grit and Grace?

Beginning our careers, building a promising relationship, getting married, and starting a family look like exciting benchmarks to a fulfilling future. And they are. But they are also the start of real life.

The Frustrations of Real Life

Real life includes challenging coworkers, repetitive work that you find cumbersome, promotions you think should be yours but aren’t. Relationships that fizzle or a husband who leaves his dirty laundry on the floor. Children that you delight in that don’t let you sleep and throw tantrums—only for it all to repeat each day you awaken.

Sounds discouraging, doesn’t it? But it doesn’t have to be. And it shouldn’t be. Because the milestones we thought was our future doesn’t mean it’s not as fulfilling. It absolutely does not mean it lacks purpose. And it certainly does not mean it is void of all joy. It’s just different than we thought. So, it’s our view that needs to adjust along with our life.

You Need to Shift Your Perspective

Real life isn’t lived in the highs and lows; it’s lived in the middle. Like a weather graph accepting that summer generally feels like summer, spring, winter, and fall do too. Accepting our life is the same is not surrendering to mediocrity—it’s embracing the comfort of realistic expectations.

Yes, your 2-year-old will throw tantrums, probably in the middle of the grocery store. But that same child will crawl into your lap and let you know how loved you are. Take joy in that because that same child will not be doing that at 13.

Your husband may be the one who leaves dirty laundry, or dirty dishes, or uses all the hot water. But he will also be the one who watches a romcom with you or makes your coffee or simply asks how you’re doing. And ladies, you need to tell him—honestly, kindly. Often, he will want to fix it. You may not want him to, but it shows he cares. Take joy in the man you married, the care he offered then and now, the reason he became yours in the first place. Then just pick up the clothes!

The job you thought would be your dream job feels like a bad fit. Or you never were able to get that position and settled for something else. Yet you have made one of your dearest life friends at that workplace. You have learned what you are capable of as well as what your talents may not be. Take joy in sweet things, the abilities you’ve gained, the relationships you’ve built. These would not have come without the place you find yourself in at your “everyday job.”

Remember Life Changes—And That’s Good!

While you settle into realistic expectations, remember life changes. Especially for women. As we say on This Grit and Grace Life podcast—”From the boardroom to the bedroom, carlines to college, being single, married, or single again,” this is your ever-changing Grit and Grace Life.

And it’s good!

With each change, we grow in wisdom and strength. We can become more confident, content, and fulfilled. With each season we look back on, we’ll find accomplishment—personal, relational or professional—which means every season yet to come will also yield something to celebrate. Take joy in that.

There Is Joy in the Everyday—You Just Need to Look

You will find the greatest joy in each day you change your focus. You are making a difference in the lives of the children you love. Your investment in them now will determine your relationship in the future. Delight in in their giggles, their smiles, their warm hugs. Those are in the everyday.

Tell your man you love him and appreciate him because you have spent time thinking about the good things he has done. They are there if you change your view from the floor to his heart.

Embrace the parts of your job you love and do them well. And remember family is forever, but jobs don’t have to be. So, part of the change in your life may come in your career.

Get outdoors to see the beauty of God’s creation. Take a hike, a walk in the park, or simply sit in the yard. God created the nature around us to sooth our souls. That alone can bring joy to our everyday.

Finally, remember the women who impacted your life—the ones who may have had it harder than we do, yet they left an indelible mark, an example to follow. They were someone who made your life better.

You can be that woman too. It all starts with finding joy in the everyday.

—
If you find that the joys are a little harder to find in your motherhood journey, take heart—other moms have felt the same way. We recommend this podcast episode for encouragement: Motherhood: Struggle Bus or Joy Ride? Or Is it Both? – 187

While heading to our final destination, we spotted a Fruit Stand – Corn Maze – Hayride – Bakery – Ice Cream Store and Pumpkin Patch. Yes, these were all there in one location. With fare like this, we had to stop and see which of these we couldn’t live without. Parking in an absolutely full lot, alongside another load of pumpkins being delivered from the fields behind, I set off to tour the place.

I picked through the produce and drooled over the baked items that were in complete dietetic conflict with the fresh vegetables that I had in my cart. These items were just as important as the healthy fare, so of course I headed toward the not-to-be-resisted bakery section.

I walked by a table of four little eight- to nine-year-old girls. They were sitting with their hot apple cider and fried apple pie (yes, fried, it is the South you know), chattering about the fun they just had in the corn maze. They were laughing and teasing each other about exactly how lost they had become. They were voting on which girl was the most directionally challenged in the world of mazes. Their mothers pulled up with shopping carts at this indoor-outdoor stand, excited about the fresh apples they were buying to take home and eat.

Watching this group warmed my heart. I mean, how great is it to head out on a Saturday morning with friends or family and spend $5 to get lost in a cornfield for two hours? There is much to relish in while enjoying the great outdoors in Northern Georgia and leaving behind the scurry of normal lives, technology, and demands. Then to end your day with hot apple cider and the best fried-pie you’ve ever eaten? I’m sure after this exciting day those girls slept soundly with fresh air in their lungs and peaceful dreams in their imaginations.

This fun scene reminded me how important making special memories is…

It’s these times in life that create the great memories that will be with us when our daughters or sons leave home to go to college, get a job, pay the rent of their first place, or begin a family of their own. It’s not the hustle of homework, computers, carpooling, or frantic life that stays in your or your children’s hearts. But the special times, when we step away from life, that’s what endures.

So you may not be near a corn maze or a great fruit stand, but I have to encourage you to find your own life step-away. What about frisbee in the park, a creek side picnic, or a bicycle ride to create a memory? If you can’t get away from home, maybe try backyard camping, an in-house scavenger hunt, or some crafting fun. Pull out a pile of newspapers, magazines, feathers, fabric scraps—whatever you have—along with glue, scissors, and poster board and just create. Make a collage with your children. Let them choose their favorite things in life to cut out and display.

Now that my daughters are grown, those are the days we treasure. Those are the memories that last. There’s also another great by-product…those spontaneous times together serve as a wonderful balance to the days when you inevitably have to say, “Hurry up! Homework done yet? Get off the computer. No, you can’t go out tonight. Turn down the stereo,” or whatever the life craziness may be. When those stressful days come, the relationship built through the special times makes the tensions a little less and the frustration a bit shorter. And remember, those great memories will last a lifetime.

There is much to relish in while enjoying the great outdoors and leaving behind the scurry of normal lives, technology, and demands.

—
You’ll love this podcast episode of This Grit and Grace Life: 5 Ways to Build a Strong Relationship with Your Kids – 158

Seriously, is that all some men think women are capable of discussing? Granted, they are trying to make a good impression, theoretically wanting a second date. But ladies, aren’t we a bit more interesting than that? Don’t we want more out of a relationship?

Yes, most females have pets, enjoy travel, watch movies, and like to eat. But I think we need to come up with our own list. If it’s the first date, I get it. You are just finding your way, not wanting to venture into any conversation that may resemble stepping into a minefield…at least not until you know he’s a good guy and that you’d be willing to go out with him again.

But once you get past the first few dates, if you are interested in building a real relationship, there are a lot more subjects you need to address. Besides, who wants to waste time on trivial topics when life brings many more interesting, important, and challenging subjects? There are things we ladies are certainly more concerned with, things we care about deeply.

So, here are 5 important topics for new couples to discuss in order to build a healthy relationship:

1. Life and Career Goals

It’s imperative that you let the man in your life know what you have set out to do. Is there a career you are pursuing? Are there significant life goals you wish to attain? It’s also crucial that you know what his are, too. Can your respective paths co-exist? Or will they set a divergent course at some point in the future and self-destruct? Of course, every healthy relationship includes compromise in order to support one another, but it’s important to know whether or not he or you are willing to do so.

2. Money

The number one cause of relationship issues has to be a subject of conversation. Do you have debt? Does he? Who’s a spender? Who’s a saver? What are your financial priorities? This one requires eyes wide open as you move forward. Money issues can be addressed if they are honestly discussed and plans acted upon. If not, they can be major trouble.

3. Extended Family

This is the bane of many arguments among couples. You need to get to know his extended family, and he needs to know yours. They are a great indicator of who this man will be, and yours will do the same for him. You also need to know what impact they have on his decision-making and whether or not that is a good thing. If marriage is the ultimate goal, you’re not just going to live with him; you will be a member of the rest of the team, too.

4. Children

Do you want them or not? Does he? If you do, how do you want to see them raised? Do you believe in discipline? If so, what kind? It’s a pretty big problem if you want a brood of five and discover he would rather go on European vacations instead of financing a clan.

5. Faith and Values

This really shouldn’t be last on the list because if you don’t share your faith, which essentially establishes your values, you may find that you have two very different perspectives on life and how to approach it. If your life decisions are based upon your core beliefs, but his are on a different trajectory, it’s difficult to reconcile. Should you abandon what you believe, or just wait and hope that he will one day join you? Neither option is a good one. It’s best to be on the same page from the beginning.

Consider these topics and enter into each conversation with grit and grace as your relationship grows. It will take time and multiple discussions but will result in understanding one another more deeply. Who knows, you may have found the right man for you!

If not, pets, travel, movies, and food—with maybe a little football or monster trucks thrown in—can be fine conversation topics for date one and two. Then move on to someone a whole lot more interesting.

—

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Single? How to Thrive in the Online Dating World with Kristin Fry – 037!

#gritandgracelife

Image credit: Hernan Sanchez

I was a 23-year-old newlywed living in Nashville, Tennessee when I received the call. This was my daddy. The man that came to my aide when I thought there were monsters under my bed. The man that woke me up each morning for school by whispering through the door, knowing anything loud would make me throw things across the room. The man who forbade me from dating the hippie boys, finally giving up when he returned home from work countless times finding another one in our living room. The man that gave me away at my wedding, believing I had someone who would care for me well.

My husband and I packed, I know not what, then began our journey late the night of the phone call from Nashville to Northern Indiana. The ink darkness of the night wasn’t just in the sky—I felt smothered by it from all sides. Everything was surreal, as if I was living another’s life.

I Will Never Forget Facing My New Reality

We arrived at my parents’ home the next day to a building filled with family. The house had been filled that way before with bantering and laughter in every room, but not on this day. As we parked in the drive, my older brother met us at the car. Walking toward one another, he reached out to me to simply hold me in his arms, nothing said, only tears flowed.

As my husband and I walked through the front door I had entered countless times before, my uncles joined us. One on either side of me, as if they were guarding their niece from the hurt they understood I was walking into. An arm was stretched around my shoulder as I was walked toward the sofa. I didn’t know what I wanted—to find answers, to get details of what happened…

What I really wanted was to go back in time. Looking into their eyes, with half questions on my lips, my tears continued to flow. They sat me down and answered as I found the strength to ask, “How did he do it?”; “Why didn’t we know?”; “What was he thinking?”

Truly, the responses didn’t really matter, as the questions had no acceptable answers; he was just gone. This didn’t have to happen. I didn’t even get to tell him goodbye. My new life had just begun, and he would not be part of it. It felt as if someone shot a cannon, and the cannonball had blown right through my core with no way to stitch up the gaping hole.

This Is the Phrase I Clung to in the Hardest Moments

The next three days were a jumble. My emotional pendulums swayed from anger, through emptiness, to grief, and then back again. I barely noticed that the church was packed for the funeral. I heard very little except a phrase that was repeated several times by the pastor, as he spoke kindly of my father, “Don’t mistake the man for the moment.” I clung to that phrase.

“Don’t mistake the man for the moment.”

Walking to our cars from the church, we joined the line that slowly made its way to the cemetery. Upon arrival, my mother, older brother, sister-in-law, younger brother, my husband, and I began one of the most difficult walks in my life: from the cars to the designated folding chairs where we would sit to complete the graveside portion of laying my father to rest.

Words spoken, final prayer said, and then we sat as friends and family filed by to extend their condolences before returning to their cars. I remember one lady, I’m sure well-intentioned, as she hugged me and exclaimed loudly, “Praise Jesus, he’s in heaven now!”

If the casket had not been placed between us and the gaping hole that had been dug, she would have been thrown in there. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. I didn’t want my dad in heaven; I wanted him here. I wanted him to open the door as I arrived for Christmas and to fall asleep in the middle of the living room after his Sunday meal. I wanted him to be the grandfather that would hold my children in his arms.

The hole that was formed in my core that weekend lasted through the entire year. Many nights I would awaken sobbing, my husband would simply hold me, knowing there was nothing he could say that would make a difference. There were days when I wished so desperately that I could pick up the phone and hear his voice. Knowing that would never be true again made me terribly angry.

This Kind of Loss is Confusing and Long-Lasting, But You Can Heal

Losing someone to suicide carries with it confusion, and almost inevitably condemnation… I should have known. I could have done something. Why didn’t he tell us? Did he think we wouldn’t understand his hurt? Did he think we couldn’t love him through his struggles?

There is a portion of the faith community that believes suicide doesn’t allow you to enter into heaven. They believe the choice made at that last moment ensures your entry is barred. Although I know that is not true, I have always wondered what satisfaction one gets from saying that to the family that is left behind. I heard it when my heart was torn, and so another layer of sorrow was added to my already paralyzing grief because of their callous disregard of my pain.

Years have passed, and the gaping hole has healed. We named our first daughter after my father, Loren. The man he was and the life he lived deserved that honor. I determined I would never mistake the man for the moment, especially when I had so many other incredible moments to draw from. But, as in all of life’s heartbreaks, a scar remains. Yet what I know now is that scars don’t hurt, they simply remind, and that is a good thing.

I still miss my daddy these many years later. I miss his warm smile, his easy laughter. I still feel that there is a missing piece in our family because of the amazing man he was while he was here. I wish I could share my days, my dreams, and my accomplishments with him. I wish that he could have seen the life I have made. He didn’t meet my daughters, but one day he will.

It has been my prayer that I get to introduce them when we all land in that heaven where he now resides. That is my hope, that is where my confidence lies. I will once again see my daddy with that big smile and warm embrace catching up then. And know that the God who reached out with open arms when my dad chose to leave this world will do the same for me. He will remove all hurt or lingering questions and on that day replace them with pure joy.

—

In honor of  Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month, please refer to these trusted resources for mental health care:

• Suicide Prevention Lifeline
• National Alliance on Mental Illness
• Suicide.org
• National Institute of Mental Health > Suicide Prevention
• Mental Health First Aid

Don’t miss this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: What Are the Unexpected Gifts of Depression? With Melissa Maimone – 095

Yet to be successful in our jobs, working women have to learn how the male population works as well. We must also learn to successfully respond to the nuances of their nature. It was scenarios like this one that I had to manage, learning how to be that small percentage voice in a male-dominated atmosphere.

Once again, I’m in a room filled with men; I’m only one of two women in this planning session. These are good men—creative, sharp, looking for good ideas no matter what corner of the table they come from, yet the chest-pounding has begun. The one-upmanship that happens in a room filled with testosterone can be intimidating. What’s a girl to do?

5 Tips for Working in a Man’s World

1. Let the room breathe.

A strong woman doesn’t have to talk loudly or forcefully, and she most certainly does not have to thump her chest to be heard. She simply waits for the right time. Letting the testosterone roll around the room uninterrupted is always a good thing.

We don’t have to compete for airspace; we have to wait for airspace to appear. It always does. Men generally speak with conviction and certainty as they make their points. But they don’t speak long. Their testosterone rumble has definitely given you plenty of time to form your words. Let them have their say; then you make sure you have yours.

It was scenarios like this one that I had to manage, learning how to be that small percentage voice in a male-dominated atmosphere.

2. Don’t be afraid to use your knowledge of women.

“From a female perspective, I think…” We have an angle that is uniquely ours. It’s not demeaning it’s enabling. In the marketplace of life, most know that the buyers and influencers are women. We make a plethora of decisions throughout the day that brings success or failure to companies big and small. This is a unique tool is our toolbox that makes complete sense to take advantage of.

Through the years, we quit shopping at K-Mart and started shopping on Amazon. We know what appeals to our gender; what they will pay for it and how far they will drive to get it. When stated well, it will be heard. You’ll not only be heard, but you’ll bring success to the project. Remember this: men will value whatever you pitch because they have no clue what women think. They may occasionally need to be reminded of this simple fact, but that’s ok too.

3. Speak sensibly.

Communicate calmly, logically, because you’ve got a brain—a good one. I think one of our most effective tools is self-confidence. When we believe in our value and contribution, we don’t have to pound anything. We simply have to present our knowledge, position, and plan.

Unfortunately, sometimes when we get passionate, even angry, we can be misinterpreted by our male counterparts. It’s not a fair interpretation, but it exists nonetheless.

So instead of taking that arduous road to change their judgment, don’t fight that perception; work with it. Stay calm, but firm, use passion for a point, leave angry words in your office. Display well the unique talent, gifts and ideas that you possess. Then communicate well the amazingly unique perspective that you bring to the table, especially in the testosterone-filled working world.

4. Never doubt your abilities.

Hormone levels or types do not dictate our ability. Now I have to concede they can affect our emotions! But our ability absolutely not. We have talent, gifting that is not gender specific. Both genders within their pools contain creative, analytical, managerial, administrative, and executive talents. As you discover those within you nurture them, educate yourself, continue learning and honing your craft no matter what area you are capable of filling.

Then believe in yourself. You are no less than any co-worker of either gender. If you believe in yourself, others will.

5. Put your energy where it matters.

It’s easy to want to wage the battle of the sexes. To put your effort into changing the dynamic between the working genders. While there is a season to absolutely do that and some battles have to be waged I would recommend accepting the fact that we are different. We work differently, our natures look at the world and tackle challenges we face that are unique to our gender. That’s a great thing, not something to be disdained. Respect can be earned by both genders by accepting the fact that we are different, but neither are less than.

So, look at the positive they bring and celebrate it. Men need to feel appreciated (as do we). Find men who will look positive at what you bring and make them allies. When you show that you respect their ability and the work they produce, it truly helps build a working relationship. More often than not, they will reciprocate.

You don’t have to prove you’re one of them; you’re not. As one woman in a room of men, your viewpoint is unique and valuable. So step in, step up, and step out in this world where your very gender, along with your vast ability, allows you to shine.

—
For more on being a working woman, check out this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Can Women Do It All? With Christy Wright of Business Boutique – 091

However, the mother of a child in the midst of middle school anxiety needs every little bit of help available when she sends her “just yesterday they started school” child out the door…knowing full well that today might possibly be the day that her sweet baby is devoured by the middle school monster. So instead of just biting your own nails in empathy, find a few unemotional moments with your middle schooler (yes, they still exist) and walk through a few of the helpful tips below. If you do, you may end up saving them from a monster or two.

Tip Number 1

The lunch cafeteria is the vast desert land of insecurity. It will take some pre-planning on your child’s part, but suggest they make plans to sit with their friends at lunchtime before the lunch period arrives. There’s nothing more awkward than having to sit by total strangers with nothing to say. It’s also a good idea to encourage your child to be friendly with the students who sit near them in class. That way they will have a few more familiar faces they can sit with in the lunchroom if their friends cannot be found.

Tip Number 2

Trying new things can be extra scary at this age, but a new hobby or sport might just be the place where they find new relationships that last through high school. Encourage your student to sign up for new clubs and sports; it’s always easier to do so with a friend, but challenge them to step out of their comfort zone even if their friends won’t join them.

Tip Number 3

Buy a combination lock, teach your child how to use it, help them practice so there are no awkward moments it just won’t open. As soon as they get their locker combination help them  them memorize it. Doing so will help them feel confident when they start using their locker multiple times a day. There’s nothing worse than when you can’t get to your books in order to get to your next class, creating the domino effect of embarrassment from peer to janitor to teacher. You might want to suggest they keep their locker organized so that they can find what they are looking for in the three minutes available. But that may be asking too much…

Although it’s a season of life that most of us are glad to leave behind, there’s just something about sharing those vivid, awkward memories of middle school anxiety that makes us both laugh and cringe all at the same time.

Tip Number 4

Push your student to learn their schedule, help them chart a route, and make sure they have what they need for class. If your child is just beginning middle school and is late to class, they might get a pass from the teachers the first week, but after that, all bets are off. If they start off on the right foot, they won’t have those second-week confrontations that every student wants to avoid. If you can get into the school over summer break, it’s not a bad idea to take a trip over there and walk around to help your child become acquainted with the building and hallways.

Tip Number 5

Homework is not optional. Elementary school may let missing assignments slide, but that’s not going to happen in middle school. If you haven’t yet, this is the time to start letting them sink or swim on their own. No more checking in to make sure they have done what they know to do.

Tip Number 6

Teachers are not the enemy. They may expect more, and the work is more difficult, but if your child needs help, encourage them to ask. Most teachers are there to teach; they want your student to learn and will do what they can to see that happen.

Tip Number 7

They can do this. Encourage, encourage, encourage. They may roll their eyes and shrug their shoulders, but if their parents believe they are capable, it helps them believe it too.

Remember, middle school is a great training ground for life. So let your child enter this boot camp; it will help prep them for future life success. Be their biggest and best cheerleader, because there will be some days when they will certainly need one.

—
Looking for more articles for parents of teens? Start here:

What Your Kids Get When You Let Them Fail
A Letter to My Preteen Son, I See You Finding Your Way
I Survived the Middle School Meltdown, So Can You!
5 Tips to Manage the Teen Years

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Don’t miss this recent podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life—it’s just for you, Mom! Stop the Mommy Wars: Every Mom Is Doing Something Right – 045!

The mother of a new middle school student needs every little bit of help available when she sends her “just yesterday they started school” child out the door for the first time…

You, God, are my Father, my eternal heavenly Father. Because You asked me to be your child, sought me, and found me. I didn’t earn it. I have no qualifications to join Your royal family. I am here only because You sent Your Son.

Through you, Jesus, Your birth, death, and resurrection, I have been adopted into Your family. That I now have the honor to be a child of the King. My faults, my sins, and shortcomings are covered by who You are and what You did. Your words, when You walked this earth, taught me how to live. Your death taught me how to love. As You left to return to heaven, You gave me more.

You left a Helper, a Comforter, a prodder, One who doesn’t give up but walks with me every day. Holy
Spirit, You are so difficult to define yet so easy to feel. When I stumble, You pick me up; when I grieve, You comfort me. When I stray, You guide me back with gentleness and strength. When I doubt, You sit with me, give me time, and gently help me regain my confidence and hope. You provide answers to my questions, give me peace when there are none.

It is You, oh God, I love. It is You, oh God, I cannot fully comprehend, but I can completely trust. It is You, oh God, who will never leave me, never turn Your back on me. You will take the pieces of this broken human, even this broken world, and create unfathomable beauty.

You will make me what I never thought I could be; stronger, wiser, more compassionate, more merciful. I will become that as Your child because You are.

As your daughter, I have found that the beauty of Your nature is within me. The tenderness of Your heart is mine. It is You, my Father, who will help me unearth that nature. I promise You that I will discover who You created me to be, how You want me to live. I will do my best to accomplish what You have set before me.

With your strength, guidance, and steadfastness, I will become a daughter You can be proud of. I will become the person You knew I could be even when I didn’t.

So heavenly Father, thank You for creating me, for inviting me into Your family. For the hope that holds my heart together in the difficult days. I look forward to the day I join You and the rest of our family to celebrate. Celebrate the life You gave us, the dreams You fulfilled, the joy You gave to us, Your children, both now and forever.

Thankfully,

Your Daughter

It is You, oh God, who will never leave me, never turn Your back on me. You will take the pieces of this broken human, even this broken world, and create unfathomable beauty.

Want to read more on faith for every day? Start here:

What My Faith Says About My Purpose
My Embarrassing Moment at Church Changed Me (For Better)
Building Faith: Growing in Your Relationship with God
There’s No One Right Way to Feed Your Faith
To the Christian Woman With a Crooked Past
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#gritandgracelife

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: If You Want To Grow in Faith, Try These Simple Things – 144

There are books on handling this age and podcasts that help parents navigate this season, and while those are helpful, the best way to deal with your teenager is what you do before they get there. What you’ve instilled before that season and the relationship you’ve built will see you through these wonderful, albeit challenging, years.

Before I step into the list of things you must do now, I want to assure every parent of this: While ages 13-18 create many unique problems, it also offers a delightful season of seeing your little one transform into a magnificent, almost-adult. So, fear should not be running through your very being; rather, getting ready for a new adventure should be.

But if you want to traverse those years with the best setup, here’s what you need to do now.

6 Ways to Get Ready for the Teen Years

1. Make sure they feel seen.
So, you say, “I see them every day. They are underfoot, chattering constantly, making a mess, and some days making me crazy.” While that is entirely true, do you stop to really see them? Take the time to observe what they are doing. If preoccupied, they may not even notice. That’s not the point. What you are doing is learning who your child is. And each one of them is different. Do they love art, building, sports, or music? They will tell you by the activities they enjoy. Knowledge is invaluable in the teen years.

See them when they are looking too. I recently heard of a father at his child’s sports event who was looking at his phone when his battery died. Putting it aside, he started watching the game. In doing so, he realized his child often looked at him to see if he was watching. His child and every other child on the court did the same. As he looked around the room, almost every other parent was looking at their phone.

Our children are looking for our approval. They want our cheering, encouragement, our support. When we don’t see them, they don’t have it. So, to whom do they look next to get that? It may not be someone you want to influence in their life. Put that phone down and be the one they know is paying attention.

2. Say what you mean; mean what you say.

You are the authority in their lives from the moment they enter your home. You protect them by making rules: “don’t touch”, “don’t run into the street”, and “don’t talk to strangers”. There is a plethora of rules that protect. But those aren’t the only rules; some lead to correction.

These are more difficult because they are subjective. You aim to raise a healthy, emotionally stable, and responsible adult. So, what rules lead to achieving that goal? These are found by doing two things:

The first is understanding your child. Each child is unique, even in behavior struggles, as well as in the ability to communicate. They may be hurting or experiencing issues you are not privy to. Instead of talking it out, they act out. Sometimes the hostility and disobedience indicate something other than mere defiance. Time will help you identify which one you’re dealing with. So, don’t panic about this; get to know your child.

Our children are looking for our approval. They want our cheering, encouragement, our support.

The second is setting reasonable rules. Everything that irritates is not a call for punishment. Your creative child may drive you crazy with their drama or desire to avoid math with all their will. Your engineer-brained child may disassemble instead of build. It looks like breaking toys, but it’s an attempt to figure something out.

Some learned behaviors will serve your child well throughout life but will require ongoing reminders. Honesty, so no lying. Empathy, so no selfishness. Responsibility, so complete what is expected. These and others like them have absolute rules regardless of the catalyst.

Once you establish what corrective rules are, make them and mean them. If you threaten something, you need to do it. So don’t threaten anything, and I mean anything, you are unwilling to follow through on. Here’s what you need to remember: If your 6-year-old knows you don’t mean it, your 16-year-old will know the same thing.

3. Be willing to join your kids in their world.  

Hate video games? Not any good at them? It doesn’t matter; play them. Are you terrified of the roller coaster? Try riding with them or find a reasonable alternative. Hate getting dirty? Don’t want to add another load of laundry to your workload? It doesn’t matter; get in the mud with them.

They need to know you want to be part of their lives. They want to be part of yours. This is also true in the teen years, even though it may not seem like they do. Establishing life-sharing when they are young enables life-sharing as they grow. It also creates an excellent opportunity for communication. If they know you are terrified of that roller coaster but willing to go for them, there is a perfect opportunity to discuss overcoming fear. 

Conversations with your child in a completely comfortable setting (of their choosing) become more authentic and frequent. They are inclined to share their thoughts when you’re sharing their interests. So, get in there and join them.

4. Teach them to lead, not follow.

In reality, not everyone is a leader, at least not in the traditional terms. Heads of business, government, and even parent groups or committee heads are all considered leaders. But every one of us leads in our own lives. Making choices like who we’ll pursue relationships with, what we want to do, and how we want to live.

Teaching our children to lead their lives independently of other people’s influence and ideas is essential. We want to raise children into adults who can think for themselves. There is a part of this that’s uncomfortable as a parent. As your child heads into adulthood, some of their ideas will not mirror yours. You may not be prepared for the reality that they may be right in their divergent opinion. But whether correct or not, you must learn the art of no emotion. Nothing is more effective in a child’s digging into a theory than a parent’s reaction. And that gets more apparent in the teen years.

5. Let them experience what is needed to develop resilience.

One of the most needed traits we need in life is resilience. It is essential for you, for me, and for our children. This is not built by living a painless existence. It is through facing hard things, problems, and defeats that resilience is gained.

As parents, we never want to see our kids hurt. Their pain is our pain; we feel their disappointment deeply. But keeping them shielded from all hurt is not only a disservice to them—it is also handicapping them for the rest of their life.

Your child’s reactions to life challenges will go from internal to external. Much like our own. Internal is the feeling that you can’t get through whatever you face. External is blaming someone else. Neither are successful ways of coping, but they often must be worked through before taking the next step, which is making an effort to move forward and finding a way through to the other side successfully. It doesn’t help for us to fix it for them. Instead, we need to be ready to step aside and let them work through this process on their own. It will ensure they develop a much-needed quality: resilience.

6. Teach them they are exactly who they need to be.

Every human is a bundle of unique abilities, talents, and ways of thinking. The same is true of that child entrusted to you. And it is good. If you believe that to be true about your child, they will too.

Take the time to let them know what you treasure in them. Make a list, read it to them, and hang it on their wall. Remind them when they need it and when they don’t. Let them know you love them, but let them know you like them too. Every part of who they are.

If you build a relationship with them before the teen years, your chance of maintaining it through the teen years is exponentially greater. 

If you teach them individual thinking, how to believe in themselves, and how to be resilient, every one of those traits will carry them through those years.

The teen years are not without turbulence. They are pulling away, as they should. They are forming their thoughts, as they should. But they need you now and will trust me—they will need you then. 

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Handling the attitudes and emotions of teens can be a daunting task. For help navigating this season of your child’s life, listen to this podcast episode: How Can I Connect and Communicate with My Teenager Better? with Jerusha Clark – 182

Today’s version of female strength is often exemplified by some of the angriest ladies I have ever encountered. I’m not sure that much of anything would make these women happy. They tell us we should demand respect, our rights, and equality (but oftentimes with an air of superiority).

This is not to say that women cannot have a voice, that we are undeserving of respect, or that we are unequal. In fact, I believe we are equal, and having fought for that, I stand with the premise. That every woman’s voice is essential to the world. But if we are fighting for something of worth, let’s handle ourselves with dignity and treat the people around us with respect. Using some grit is OK, but let’s ensure it’s marked by grace. Because the ladies who carry a chip on their shoulder and make the same angry demands simply don’t encourage or inspire; they make me weary.

Become the Woman Who Doesn’t Have to Prove Her Strength

No, it’s not those women I find strong. In fact, if I planned a girls’ night out, they aren’t the ones I’d invite. If I could, along with some of my best girlfriends, I would choose two ladies residing in heaven: my great-grandmother, Ethel Bunger, and my husband’s grandmother, Minnie Brock. Now those were some strong ladies.

The way they lived provided me with two of the best examples of what a strong woman looks like. They possessed every trait needed and put these traits on display without angst or effort daily, which ended in them earning the respect of all they encountered.

Their strength did not lie in working outside the home, inside the home, or by doing some of both. It did not come from breaking whatever ceiling they encountered. They didn’t give much thought to ceilings; they just took care of business. It was not a list of demands or rights that were met that gained their respect. Their very makeup, nature, and priorities made them strong.

I learned so much from these ladies who made me better. I’d like to share with you a few of their traits, all of which come together to create the…

Anatomy of a Strong Woman:

• Eyes that shed tears for those who are hurting.
• A mind that possesses the knowledge of life, faith, and family.
• Hands that work diligently to meet the needs of others.
• Feet that run swiftly to the defense of those who need defending.
• A voice that speaks up when injustice demands it.
• A heart of courage to believe the best, even when all reason says she shouldn’t.
• Arms that hold closely—offering unconditional love.
• The laughter that provides hope to a heart in pain.
• A tongue that never ceases to offer words of wisdom and encouragement.
• A tenacious spirit that perseveres every day, even when she is spent.

These women of strength inspired me with every one of those acts. When they moved residence to the land that is eternal, there were many stories filled with laughter and tears from an untold number of people. There was such respect and honor in each sentence, in each teardrop. They didn’t demand it; they didn’t march for it; they earned it through the way they chose to live.

This is the woman who has joy, contentment, and purpose. This woman does not have to prove her equality because those around her know she is so much more than equal.

This is the kind of woman I want to be. This is the woman you want to be.

This woman doesn’t bother listening to the noise from those loud and frustrated ladies. She knows exactly what it takes to possess the anatomy of a strong woman. She’s living a life of grit and grace.

—

Looking for more on a woman’s strength? Start here:

This Is Why Women Are Great Defenders of the Helpless
True Beauty is Found in a Woman’s Strength
A Strong Woman Can Respect Other Opinions (Even If She Disagrees)

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#gritandgracelife

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Are You a Strong Woman of Grit and Grace? – 072!

I learned this from traveling with musicians on the first trip; it is insane to lug two suitcases each. I didn’t bring two, but every boy in the band did. One member had a case entirely filled with shoes. After almost missing trains and the inability to exit quickly, I determined that this was something I never ever wanted to see happen again. So when the three Brock girls were planning a mother-daughter trip to Europe, traveling light was the goal.

My dictate was to bring one suitcase for each of us. It would cover two weeks in four countries—including nights out, hiking trips, and varied temperatures. Pulling that off required a lot of research and difficult decisions, but we managed and were thankful we made the decisions we did.

Here are my best 10 tips to travel light:

1. Don’t pack things you can buy at your destination. Shopping in other cities or countries is part of the fun, so decide to leave room in your suitcase for those special purchases.

2. Limit your shoes. Do you know how heavy shoes can be? I found out while trying to assist in getting that one bag of shoes on a train before it left the station. Check out the weather for sure, but in general, a great pair of walking shoes, flip-flops you can wear in showers and on the street, and one pair of dress-up shoes is all you need. This is not the time to break in anything new; whether it’s day or night, you will be walking and exploring, so make sure every pair you bring is comfortable.

3. Restrict your gadgets. I generally carry a phone, tablet, and computer for short-term travel. But when on an adventure trip, there are sites to see and experiences to embrace. Take your phone to be reachable (make sure it’s on an international plan if that’s where your trip takes you) and take photos. You can check back into life via gadgets when you get home.

4. Wrinkle-free is your friend. When you are traveling through four countries, various climates, and experiences, you want to be able to throw clothes into a bag and go. You also want to wear things more than one time. Wrinkle-free is the winner.

5. Bring a little black dress or skirt. These will work for many places. You can dress it up or down. Dresses and skirts are great with flip-flops for in-town walking or with a jacket for evening dining.

6. Add options for layering. A lightweight, fashionable jacket. Pick one that will provide warmth for a cool day and class for a night out. Throw in a shawl, scarf, vest, or wrap (whatever your preference). All of these are easily packed options that can add style to any setting. But don’t take more than 2-3; they will add weight you don’t need. Just remember whatever you put in that suitcase, everything you pack should go with everything else.

7. Leave your entire beauty regimen behind. If we are honest, we generally use only a few repeat makeup items daily. Take only what you can’t live without. Find out in advance what’s available, then use what the hotels provide.

8. End one day by washing your clothes. All you need is the bathroom sink. If you have quick dry ones, even better. Hang them to dry. You’ve worn them more than once by this time, so they probably need it. But on a several-week trip, you will only have to do this exercise once.

9. Be ready for any climate. Add a few items, such as camisoles, to add warmth or be ready for a hot day. Pack your silk pajamas; they are amazing insulators under your clothes if you hit a really unexpected cold front or a hotel that keeps the thermostat at 60.

10. Choose your lightest, strongest rolling suitcase. You don’t want to be lugging more weight than necessary. You want a case narrow enough to roll down a train aisle, and durable enough to take on a cobblestone walkway.

When the trip with my daughters was over, we used everything we brought, washed it once, and didn’t wear ourselves out dragging luggage from country to country. And yes, indeed, we found some great clothing sales throughout Europe. Filled our suitcases to the brim for the flight home. With treasures in hand, we had created a relatively pain-free, memory-filled trip.

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Maybe you already have a vacation planned, or you definitely want to get away but are still weighing your options. In this podcast episode, where Darlene and Julie chat about their dream vacation spots: Vacation Ideas: Why We Want to See These Unique Places Now – 042

Are these really who we are? Or are they merely part of our journey, a title, or life experience that will demonstrate what we are made of? I, my friend, will passionately argue for the latter.

In my 20s, I was a booking agent for musicians when I married my boss. No, it was not one of those torrid affairs in the workplace that you would read or hear about over your lunch break. He was single, as was I. First, I was his girlfriend; then I became his wife.

I am not defined by just one part of my life.

In the minds of many of the people we worked with, that part of my life made me less of an agent. The fact that we were dating created an argument that my ability was not the reason I had my job. I must simply be a ditzy blonde whose boss thought she was cute (no offense to blondes—our hair color has no relevance to our abilities).

The assumption was that being in a relationship with my boss made me less capable. Fortunately for those who chose to trust their careers in my hands, I was rather good at what I did, and they got enough work to pay their rent.

Sometimes it bothered me to know that people had the wrong perception of me. It hurt, challenged my self-esteem, and just flat-out made me angry. I felt I had to work harder and be even better than my peers to succeed. In some people’s estimation, that was true. Others defined me by one part of my life, not all of it.

This was when my self-view began to evolve. Each of those—girlfriend, wife, or booking agent—was part of what defined me in the eyes of many. Through the years, I added concert promoter, mother, homeowner, video producer, chief financial officer, author, and even toilet repairman (because we couldn’t afford a plumber) to my many titles. But none of those created a definition of the person I was; they were just what I was doing at that moment in time. They were where life circumstances or choices threw me.

This is what defines me:

Do I give up when life gets difficult? Yes, life does get difficult. No one of us is immune to the challenges we face when merely trying to succeed in the life we’ve been given. Whether they are circumstances we cannot control, ones we have created, or ones that have been created for us by others, how we handle them determines what defines us. Not to say we don’t become weary, nor find circumstances that may dictate that we need to shift the path. It’s simply not giving up that will determine the outcome of what we face.

Do I ignore those who bring me down, those who would limit me? I have yet to understand why others may find it necessary to interject their opinion of my life, offering discouraging input rather than encouraging. These are not my true friends who call me out when need be. Those people I can trust. Instead, these are often someone who may feel the need to compete or work out their own self-worth. But they are the voices I will not let impact my choices as I strive to fulfill my life’s purpose.

Do I build people up, not tear them down? As much as I am disheartened by those who may limit me, I must recognize that I, too, could be one who would limit another. Whether it’s a slightly negative sentence spoken without thinking, a rolling of the eyes, or a shrug of the shoulder, it’s not the big statements that can serve to diminish another’s self-esteem—it might be a simple, unintentional act. If I am disheartened and hurt by others’ failures, I must examine my own.

Do I love well, even toward the undeserving? Compassion, kindness, sympathy, concern, and sensitivity are actions that I hope to display willingly. Sometimes it’s an easy thing to do toward those who love me, but not as easy when I’ve been hurt or harmed. Loving someone who doesn’t deserve it does not mean allowing the hurt to continue; it means choosing to love, whether deserved or not.

Do I offer others encouragement, hope, and confidence? There are few greater joys than when you have helped someone else believe in themselves. When life brings defeat or discouragement to another, taking the time to point out strengths and offer hope are things we all desperately need. It is also one of the greatest gifts we can give.

Do I allow every one of my life experiences to add wisdom and create understanding? We do not often learn our greatest lessons while experiencing the smooth side of life. Nor is it in our successes. It usually comes in our failures, disappointments, and hard times. Instead of pushing those aside or placing them in the realm of the forgotten, learn from them, and grow from them. They will build the most durable and resilient side of a woman’s character.

Do I rely on my faith to be the truest source of my grit and grace? We cannot do it on our own. I take so much comfort in not just the fact that I have friends and family who love me and want the best for me. My greatest comfort is that I have a God who loves me and walks with me through all of the stages of my life. He offers me grace when I disappoint (mostly myself) and grit, the strength I need to move on to the other side.

I alone hold the power to define who I am.

In each season of life, these choices have been mine to make. The answer to each of those questions came through my actions and demonstrating who I was capable of being. It was on me embracing life’s grit and grace required to define who I wanted to be. Sometimes I fared well, sometimes not. This is true of us all. But remember this, we all are created with incredible talents and abilities. We are here to fill a place that no one else can.

Not to do a job or find a purpose, which is part of it, but to be the one individual who defines who we are. We are responsible for not letting our circumstances speak to others of our worth, but of our actions within those circumstances.

Whatever descriptors are currently in our lives—single, lawyer, married, divorced, mother, cashier—they are merely that, a part of your life. It is the choices you make, the actions you display, within your current circumstances you find yourself.

When we succeed in becoming comfortable with who we are (even when others question), we are reflecting the view of the God who created us. His view is that we, created in His image, can reflect the beauty of who He is in strength, confidence, and compassion, demonstrating the best of His nature. His definition offers us hope… Hope in this life, where He will mine all the undiscovered treasure within us, and hope in the life to come when our definition will be complete.

Through the years, I have discovered so much yet, am still discovering more of who I am. The unveiling of the magnificence of what defines us is a process that will continue through life. We will be surprised at all we can become. So, do not let a moment in time, a circumstance you find yourself in, or another’s opinion become that definition. Instead, my friend, quit listening to outside voices; know in your heart that it is you and you alone who will truly determine your worth, your character, the real you.

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Looking for inspiration on growth as a strong woman? You’ll love this podcast episode of the same name from This Grit and Grace Life: How Do I Know What Defines Me?

It’s a simple question, but our culture tells us that an irrefutable definition no longer exists. Common responses to this question are currently broad, often changing, and entirely confusing. When the definition of a woman is skewed by those who wish to replicate our gender, all the strides women have achieved suddenly become meaningless. The beauty of God’s creation is diminished. Women are being forced to the sidelines, marginalized, and asked to accept a caricature of who we are.

Are Women Being Marginalized?

It’s not only the adult women who have fought for equal opportunity who experience harm. Our daughters will suffer as well. Our original battles—career opportunities and sports competitions—allowed us to pursue a place in life without leaving our gender behind. Positions of success and acceptance in many arenas became ours in the same way as our male counterparts.

We strove for confidence as women, embracing and celebrating our unique nature. But girls today are being told their nature is not unique; it is not treasured, because that nature can be easily replicated, no matter the information on the birth certificate.

The problem with this thinking is that a woman cannot be replicated. When hormones, surgeries, and clothing determine what a woman is, what do we have left? No longer celebrated or allowed to compete with only those of our biological sex, we are unable to rise to the top of what our gender can accomplish. We become marginalized—something I cannot accept.

Gender Dysphoria—Is it the End All, Be All?

I am also grieved about what is happening to those who are confused about their gender, both genders. I wonder what the consequences will be for some of their decisions. Those who feel so dissatisfied with themselves that they participate in gender fluidity or total gender dysphoria, where they are willing to surgically remove breasts, shave bone structure from faces, and take hormones the body cannot produce. Some even choose to begin a regimen of the same drugs used for the chemical castration of sex offenders. Our bodies are amazingly resilient, but we have yet to see the long-term consequences of these steps—physically and emotionally.

I genuinely believe we have the right to make life decisions and live with the consequences, good or bad. But I cannot accept or even understand the damage being done to the entire population by the insistence that gender is an identity or a choice, not an identification at birth based upon biology. Nor can I believe that the only answer to depression or thoughts of suicide is these drastic medical alterations that are encouraged, often by creating fear that the only alternative is suicide.

I have personally experienced the loss of someone I loved to suicide. It’s a complex problem that requires more than what appears to be a definitive medical and identity fix. It includes challenging mental health, feelings of worthlessness, and a destroyed heart.

Beauty in Original Creation

I know that God made the genders perfectly and wonderfully—each special, meaningful, and created to fulfill roles by the nature He has placed within them. It is breathtaking and wonderful. When embraced, we become stronger, more confident, and able to accomplish our place in life.

When denied, we lose our identity and question our worth. Like many others, slipping down this road that denies God’s intent on His unique creation leads to more significant consequences than physical change. It leads to a change of heart for those who follow that path and those who encourage it.

History has shown that sidelining women, as this new sexual confusion does, leads to more profound hurt and harm to our gender. Once again, our gender is being subjugated to a cultural “lesser than” status, easily replicated with the same value and rights.

As a woman of faith, I adamantly believe and know there is no lesser than in humanity. Every human is beautifully and wonderfully created as we are, not to be divided and pitted against one another but celebrated in our original beauty.

But here we are now; what should we do?

So, What Should We Do?

I would start by protecting our children. Many of our daughters are encouraged to question their gender identity, many times through a hidden system—entities and individuals who refuse to include parents in the discussion.

These girls often suffer feelings of dissatisfaction, believing they are not enough. Not pretty enough, not female enough. In many ways, “not enough.” Let’s remind our daughters that females are not monolithic. They are not to be valued by their appearance or others perceptions. Nor are we alike in what we can accomplish. But capable in all ways, we are.

When hormones, surgeries, and clothing determine what a woman is, what do we have left?

May we teach our children the beauty and distinction of our genders. Exactly as God made us. Without limitations. May we also teach each daughter her worth. Every girl (and boy) is wonderfully made with talents, abilities, traits, and a nature that has a place to fulfill. Holding to the characteristics of the gender they are truly blessed with.

Then, can we stand with and love those who are hurting? Of course. We can and we must. There is another answer we can offer to these broken hearts. That is embracing the beauty of exactly who they already are, realizing it’s not a mistake to be rectified. Presenting them with Christ who treasures them, understands them—every thought and doubt—and, right where they are, offers His unfailing love.

I understand it’s not a simple path to quiet this confusion—to help individuals gain confidence and self-worth. It’s not easy to speak into this conversation. But would we consider the surgical, hormonal road simple or easy? Not at all. So we must do all that we can, with love.

Finally, we will stand on a platform of truth. That’s all we have of value in this world. God’s truth has never been a platform of harm or hurt, nor is it today. It is a place of refuge, hope, and freedom. He loves us exactly where we are and exactly who we were made to be. And so should we.

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Our expressions of femininity are dismissed as being outdated, social constructs. Here’s how we can push back: Can You Embrace Your Femininity In a World That’s Against It? – 171 

It could be the yellow/blue/gray light that shines down on the top of your head, but it’s often the color of the clothing. I know if I put that tan khaki tone anywhere near my face the next step is to take that shovel and dig a 6-foot deep hole. The world would think I was ready for the grave.

Or that wonderfully bright orange; the one that my friends of color look amazing in. Their skin tone just glows. Me on the other hand, well let’s just say you will never see it.

So I went on a mission to discover colors that every skin tone could wear and found some great ones. To minimize the shrieking dressing room episodes, I thought I really must share these 5 colors that every woman can wear:

1. Winter white. The white that looks like the purest vanilla ice cream—not really white, but really creamy—is a great one. From the purest of skin to sensitive skin wrestling with breakouts or to the one distressing over the wrinkles, this color softens every complexion.

2. Cobalt blue. This cousin of navy is a great tone. Often used in Ancient Egypt along with some dramatic eyeliner invented by those lounging ladies of leisure, brings an extra sparkle to the eye.

3. Emerald green. It’s a beautiful jewel tone, and who doesn’t like a few jewels in their wardrobe? Put an emerald green top with a dark color like a black pencil skirt or dark denim. You can’t go wrong with this combo.

4. Blush or rose pink. Even if you’re not a girly girl, don’t be afraid to add a little of this to your wardrobe. The pale touch of pink color does wonders for adding sweet life to every face.

5. Eggplant purple. This deep purple that lands midway between lavender and black works for both day and nighttime wear. This is a classy color that also suits all personalities.

For those of you who shy from color, I understand that some of these may scare you. So stick with a basic black and add a little bit of these colors in jackets, hair accessories, or jewelry. But take this challenge too, try it just once and you may be surprised at the compliments you get. Doing this might just make you want to stretch out with your wardrobe choices even more.

…this color softens every complexion.

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You’ll also like How to Pick the Perfect Shade of Red for Every Skin Tone, The Best Style Advice I Ever Received, 5 Things Every Woman Needs in Her Work Wardrobe, 7 Brands That Are Helping Women Around the World, and How to Wear White Jeans All Year-Round
#gritandgracelife

When she was nine years old, Mary tagged along with her mother to take a basket of freshly washed and ironed clothes to her former master’s house. They had to go around the home to the entrance in the rear, the one through which the blacks could enter. In 1884 in Mayesville, South Carolina, there was absolute segregation between the races. Her mother went inside to take the family their clothes and receive the few cents paid for such a job.

Waiting outside, Mary was captivated by a children’s playhouse she saw and peeked inside. Two white girls about her age sat inside on scaled-down furniture. They were playing with their dolls.

“Hello, Mary! Do you want to come in?” one of them called out. Of course she did. Mary was just a little girl, and she wasn’t admitted to such circles every day. A passion was ignited in Mary that day. Seeing past her circumstances and limitations, she made a decision that changed her life and the lives of many after her.

You see, Mary was the fifteenth child of seventeen children.² She was the first child born free to a family of former slaves. Her family only knew hard work, cotton fields, and difficult times. They were free and had five acres of land to work, but nothing more.

Mary wanted more, and this day made her determine how to go about it. She recounted the event in this manner:

I picked up one of the books… And one of the girls said to me—“You can’t read that—put that down. I will show you some pictures over here,” and when she said to me, “You can’t read that—put that down,” it just did something to my pride and to my heart that made me feel that someday I would read just as she was reading.³

Seeing past her circumstances and limitations, she made a decision that changed her life and the lives of many after her.

Mary McLeod Bethune discovered the world of education through that one act. She realized the plight of her race was limited by the lack of education, and she begged her parents for that opportunity. It came when the Mission Board of the Presbyterian Church sent one, young black woman, Emma Wilson, in city clothes to educate the black children of South Carolina.⁴ Mary’s family could only afford to send one child, and Mary was selected.⁵ She graduated from that school at age twelve, wanting more education, but not having any way to achieve it. She prayed for a miracle.

A few years later, Mary was awarded a scholarship that had been given by a dressmaker in Colorado named Mary Chrisman. Due to that scholarship, Bethune was able to attend Scotia Seminary in North Carolina. After attending Scotia Seminary, she received a scholarship to the Moody Bible Institute in Chicago,⁶ where she continued to be a high achiever. Mary was the only African-American student there, and that year one of only a few non-whites.

But Mary didn’t stop with her own education. After graduating from Moody Bible Institute, she moved to Florida, rented a two-story house, “and began the difficult task of establishing a school for African American girls” in 1904.⁷ The school later became Bethune-Cookman University.⁸ The beginnings were meager. Mary had only $1.50 to her name, five students, and shipping crates for desks.⁹ But she had a determined heart.

Bethune maintained high standards and promoted the school with tourists and donors, to demonstrate what educated African Americans could do. She was president of the college from 1923 to 1942, and 1946 to 1947. She was one of the few women in the world to serve as a college president at that time. “Because of her prominence, she served as an advisor to presidents Franklin D. Roosevelt and Harry S. Truman.”¹⁰

But she had a determined heart.

Mary created opportunity through education for many that would not have received it anywhere else. She had immense faith in God, and believed that nothing was impossible.

Education was her tunnel to success, yet two axioms of Mary’s philosophy—“not for myself, but for others” and “I feel that as I give I get,” spoke of the very nature of this strong lady. Her grit and determination did not end with acquiring the education she desired, but it translated into so much more: the birth of education for the next generation as well.

“In 1973, she was inducted into the National Women’s Hall of Fame and continues to inspire many to this day.”¹¹

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You will also like Teachers, We’re Praying for You, Three Cords Haiti: Life Transformation For At-Risk Women, Do High School Girls Want to Be Sophisticated Ladies?, Let Them Teach, and Maintaining Your Sanity Throughout the School Year
#gritandgracelife

You won’t win every battle nor should you expect to.  You can’t put it upon yourself to effectively crack the whip, so to speak, impeccably correcting each and every transgression any child is capable of. But there are a few absolutes you need to incorporate into your life just to keep peace on the home front, guide your kids toward acceptable behavior, and some days, to simply maintain your sanity.

1. Know your child.

There may come a time when you find your child disassembling the new toy that you spent an hour on just successfully removing the packing materials. Instantly you head straight into the fray. But before your next word is formed you need to determine if your child’s motivation is, in fact, what it appears to be: destruction. There is often another motivator. Yours could be one of those children with a mechanical engineering mind. He or she is simply trying to understand how it works. Watch, observe the process, and if it’s methodical and exploratory then it’s not destructive. If this is not the case, well, then destruction is what it’s all about. Just remember, there are many motivators behind the behavior of every child. It’s your job to know your son or daughter well enough to determine whether their actions are a part of their nature or simple disobedience. (Click here for a great article on how to discover your child’s natural abilities.)

2. When it comes to asking, set your limit.

It’s fine to give instructions or correction more than once, but determine what your policy will be in advance. Will you only ask two or three times? Have you ever felt like you’ve said the same sentence so many times that your head is about to explode? The entire time you are found repeating yourself, your child has exhibited the inability to hear even one word. Set your limit. If you establish a precedent, two or three asks, then your child will know the limit and will also expect the consequences that follow.

There are some days you may wonder who is in charge…you or your child.

3. Threaten only what you will follow through on.

If you say you’re going to take back their presents and they still continue to disobey, then you have to do it. If you say they are grounded from driving, you have to do that too—even if you need them to drop their brother off at his baseball game. Just choose both what you will actually stick to and what will cause them great discomfort. If any child realizes the threats are empty, they have no teeth. Save yourself a lot of grief by choosing what you are willing to actually follow through on.

4. Set the rules in advance.

You won’t know, when looking at that newborn’s sweet face, some of the rules you will have to instate. Rules like “jumping off the roof into the pool is not acceptable” may not have been in your automatic parental thought process. But there are basic principles every child needs to adopt—politeness, respect, unselfishness, and gratitude. These will show up in everything they do. So, set the rules in the little things that will bring about these character traits. This will establish how they conduct themselves in the big things.

5. Be the authority.

Every child needs to know there is someone in their life who not only makes the rules but enforces the rules, and by doing so, protects them in the process. Being in charge is not just about discipline or rule-making; it’s about providing security for your child. They need to know you care enough to do the hard stuff, setting the parameters needed to protect them not just physically, but emotionally, and spiritually as well. They need “the buck stops here” parent in their lives, and you need to be it.

Here are 5 absolutes you need to incorporate to guide your kids toward acceptable behavior and to simply maintain your sanity…

The reality is this, your goal is that on the day they leave your home that they are prepared for life. You want them to have gained all the necessary standards, principals, and codes of conduct that they will need to live as productive adults.

For that day to come, it’ll require you to be in charge of their lives—at least most of the time and to varying degrees. As they grow, you will slowly and wisely give them charge over certain areas they can master, ones they should take responsibility for at the appropriate times. If you do this, one day when they head out your front door, they will take full charge with the tools in hand and heart that they will need to master this life well.

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But the reality is that our current societal statistics require us to have these talks. We absolutely must have them with our children. We absolutely must have them with our dating partner.

Today’s studies tell us 1 in 4 females between the age of 15 and 24 have an STD*, currently a full 25%. That age group is also at higher risk of acquiring STDs for a combination of behavioral, biological, and cultural reasons, so the rate continues to increase.

In all age groups sexually transmitted diseases are known to affect women much more destructively than men. Several STDs have the ability to cause infertility later in life. The rate of increased diagnosed infections has increased annually in both the percentage rate of infected individuals as well as the sheer number of diseases. In 1960 there were 2 identified STDs and now there are 30.¹

This information should make every parent keenly aware of the threat to his or her child. Unlike clinging to your little one crossing the street or yanking them away from a hot stove, this threat requires you to have that uncomfortable discussion. You will not be present when they will face the choices that create this very life-altering reality in their life. On that day, the rescue will have to come from their own well-developed convictions.

Like all difficult discussions you have with your child, this must be done calmly, rationally, and away from other emotional land mines or distractions. The purpose of this conversation is not to instill sheer terror (even though as a parent you may hope that might just work), but to create an informed child. And you must have this talk when your son or daughter is younger than you think you should.

In 1960 there were 2 identified STDs and now there are 30.

It’s one thing to have a conversation about STDs with a child you are responsible for, but it’s an astronomically more uncomfortable conversation once you’re in the dating world. The current reality is that you may be the half of the relationship who has an STD, or it might be the one you are dating.

This is not something you drop on a first date. Dinner conversations should not be, “Tell me more about the work you do… Do you have any family living close? By the way, I have Chlamydia.”

It’s a conversation that should take place when dating becomes consistent and feelings start to develop, not when your emotions are so deep that marriage is the next step in the relationship. It is unfair not to disclose everything one is bringing into a relationship before you become too entangled. (Don’t miss Dr. Zoe’s advice on how to have this exact conversation: Ask Dr. Zoe – I Have an STI, When and How Do I Tell My Man?)

This conversation needs to be an honest one. It’s not just the single issue of STDs; it is the issue in total. You need to understand one another’s sexual history. Perhaps the person you are dating has been sexually active in the past but hasn’t been tested. Or perhaps that is you. If so, conversations need to be had, then testing to be done.

An honest discussion is vital to a successful relationship. This does not mean that every detail of past sexual activity needs to be discussed; creating unnecessary images in your partner’s mind can be equally destructive. However, talking about the broad reality of previous sexual history has the potential to create understanding that leads to trust. A relationship built on honesty and trust is the only kind of relationship that endures.

No matter what the outcome is of the discussion or testing, don’t place blame. The actions of the past need not represent current life choices. If you are building a lasting relationship, you want to know who the man is today. Observing his current life choices during the months you spend getting to know each other will confirm that he is (or he is not) the man he claims to be now.

Finally you must discuss prevention. If one partner has an STD and marriage is the next step in your relationship, or you are considering sexual intimacy, you must know the medical reality. Your mutual goal should be one of confining the disease and thus preventing it’s spreading. A mutual, informed decision on how to handle this challenge is foundational in this relationship.

A relationship built on honesty and trust is the only kind that endures.

As in facing any difficult conversation or challenge in life, avoidance appears so much easier. It’s not. In the short-term, your comfort isn’t disrupted and the relationship isn’t complicated. But long-term, the risk is great—to your children, to your relationship, and to your health. Uncomfortable or not, this is without a doubt one of those absolute must-have conversations.

*The term STI is becoming interchangeable with STD, referring to “Sexually Transmitted Infections.”

—
For more related articles, start here:

Why You Need to Talk to Your Teen Girl About Sex and How to Do It
Ask Dr. Zoe – I Have an STI, When and How Do I Tell My Man?
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This generation has all the “equal rights” created by the resolute females of the 20th century. Courageous ladies desiring the privilege to vote, to pursue higher education, and to have careers that matched their talents fought this battle. They changed our world. It is them we should thank for giving our daughters a future without limitations.

Yet, as each daughter enters her teen years, most realize that the level playing field of opportunity has developed into a confused playing field. The signals they receive are mixed. Is independence and self-sufficiency the ultimate goal? Are career goals the noblest life choice?

Does being equal mean we’re identical to men?

Before each girl heads off to college and is exposed to the new era of feminists seeking to define the roles of gender, parents must enter the fray. The departments of women’s studies at countless universities often take a defensive position that quickly turns to offense. Young women are encouraged to not just believe themselves equal, but often times superior. So, before she enters that arena of influence, you need to take the opportunity to teach her to understand and treasure her God-given nature. Then, make sure she understands and treasures her male counterparts’ nature as well.

The level playing field of opportunity has developed into a confused playing field. The signals our daughters receive are mixed.

To counter the confusion, the best place to begin is exactly where she is in her current school education. Biology teaches the science of chromosomes: male XY, female XX. While activists are denying the significance of gender difference, scientists are still trying to define it. When studying brain matter, it was determined that a female brain possesses more white matter—the ability for spatial reasoning, to think several things at once, simply multi-tasking. A male’s brain possesses more gray matter, the ability for muscle control and sensory perception, creating laser-like focus.¹

Begin the conversation around the dining room table.

Take a dining room table moment and discuss this scientific discourse at your next family meal. I can bet your daughter will most certainly roll her eyes and quickly follow it with a big sigh, nonverbally saying, “Yeah, already learned that.” But a great parenting moment is to then ask your daughter, “Have you ever wondered why? Why are we created differently? Does this have any significance in what genders can or should do?” Let her do the pondering; remember some of the best lessons learned come from your daughter’s musings rather than our lectures.

As she puts forward her thoughts, let me give you a few that you might want to discretely weave into the conversation. Females are natural caretakers. A great caretaker can multitask, whether in the home front, workplace or in friendships. To do that well, one of the primary requirements is spatial reasoning, white matter. Males are natural defenders. An effective defense requires muscle control, focus, sensory perception; this is directed by gray matter. Females love to talk through things, often at incredible lengths, white matter. Males, on the other hand, want to immediately fix it, gray matter. Whatever a female wants to work through, men want to fix. Genders from the beginning of time have consistently arrived at this particular impasse.

Some of the best lessons learned come from your daughter’s musings rather than our lectures.

There is beauty to be found in complementary gender differences.

The beauty of this gender difference can be seen in the fact that there are times when life

needs to be pondered, examined, and looked at from all sides. Other times, life or problems just need to be fixed. As in all compromises of the gender roles, the tricky part is discovering when each approach is the appropriate one. Upon reaching a compromise, the complementary nature of each gender makes for a better life balance, a better whole.

Understanding the roles of gender is not just isolated to dating or marriage. It applies equally to friendships, the workplace, our community, education, and our extended family. Every area of life requires the treasuring of the opposite gender. Your daughter will find when she truly respects the nature and worth of the male gender she will also respect hers.

Before the dinner conversation comes to a close, make sure your daughter understands our nature and our talents are not synonymous. Just because one is male doesn’t mean he can fix the car. Just because she is female doesn’t mean she can cook.

Gender’s nature is somewhat predictable but gender talents are not.

They should never be confused.

So tell your daughter to dream big, pursue her goals to become whatever that final “When I grow up I’m gonna be…” is, and as she does encourage her to do it within the beauty of her God-given nature, while loving and appreciating the nature of her male counterparts. If she embraces those tenets equally she will experience the fullness of opportunity as well as the joy of being purely female. That is the joy of walking this life with that special combination of both grit and grace.

See another version of this article that was featured on the Thriving Family Website!

Take the opportunity to teach her to understand and treasure her God-given nature. Then, make sure she understands and treasures her male counterparts’ nature as well.

—
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It was in kindergarten when my daughter demonstrated her prowess in tormenting others. I dropped this sweet, little dressed up diva at her elementary school and all was going relatively well for the first few months. Then I received my first phone call. She had kicked a little boy. This led to discussion, punishment, and resolution.

A week went by and then I got the next call; she had hit another student. Discussion, punishment, resolution. A few days went by when the call came once again. This time she had pinched. Incredulity on my part; then discussion, punishment, and what I realized was probably a temporary resolution. Another week went by, and she pulled hair. By this time I was sure my child had become the resident kindergarten bad kid! The funny part (I can say this now) is she never repeated an offense; this creative little five-year-old simply moved onto a new means of inflicting torment.

We rode this wave with her until she stopped.

I’m not even sure why she finally stopped, maybe it was battle exhaustion on both our parts. We continued the punishment, worked with her teacher on multiple plans, varied our approach, and finally got to the other side of the battle. What I realized later is that she was expressing her unhappiness with her new life in what seemed to be the only way she knew how.

As every mother does, I spent most of her kindergarten year avoiding the other moms. The last thing I wanted to feel was the judgment of my parenting skills from her peers’ parents. I was quite sure that my child and I were the focus of many discussions. I knew I had done something terribly wrong as a parent and was sure the world knew as well.

In hindsight, I really hadn’t. I wasn’t the bad mom, and my daughter wasn’t the bad kid either. She was acting out her frustration in a completely inappropriate way and had to learn this truth, but the reality is that every child will have a season (or many seasons) of defiance.

When your elementary-aged child chooses to believe homework is optional and nothing you can do changes that, you’re not a bad mom. He or she is testing the parameters of what is acceptable in the world of education. The grades will take care of this within a short period of time.

When my youngest decided the summer reading book was a worthless endeavor and no cajoling on my part was changing that, my answer to the problem did not make me a bad mom. The week before school started I bought junk food to eat, we wore pajamas for two days, and, lying in her bed, we read the book together. Maybe I didn’t get the personal responsibility part right, but I created a great memory.

The reality is that every child will have a season (or many seasons) of defiance.

The day you discover your teen has lied to you, choosing deception because they are hell-bent on doing something they know you don’t approve of, is tough. You have told your child prior to this time that complete trust is given to them—that is until they prove they no longer can be trusted. It is that moment you let them know they have crossed that line and it will be a long road back. But it’s also imperative you remember a few of the lies you told your parents. It is a normal rite of passage for the teen years and happens to the best of parents.

When your almost-ready-to-leave-home son or daughter stomps away from you, stating in the loudest, most believable voice “I hate you!” merely because of something you just forbade them from doing even though they would be going to college soon… They are not a bad kid and you are not a bad mom, this is just a terribly bad moment. You have been sucker-punched by that child who is your own. But like most other “bad kid” moments, these are temporary. They love you at that moment, though they’ve temporarily forgotten in the heat of their anger.

What every mom needs to remember is that every kid will create his or her own personal havoc.

They are independent humans, with their own personalities, who will make their own choices and display their individual wills. Your job is to teach and guide to the absolute best of your ability. Yours isn’t to make sure they do everything right, lessons are learned when they don’t.

Their job is to explore who they are in the confines of your home under your direction, which will change each and every year. This is how they grow into independent, productive human beings. It is not ours to make a perfect child; they don’t exist. Neither is it ours to be the perfect mom; they don’t exist either.

We must give ourselves grace and give other moms a pass as well. When you feel like you must be doing something horribly wrong, take heart, there is only one perfect parent, God, and as we all know even His kids rebelled. So when you get that call, hold your head up high, ignoring judgment from others, and take the challenge of getting through this “bad kid” season with grit, knowing that this too will pass.

—

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They are not a bad kid and you are not a bad mom, this is just a terribly bad moment.

Now you’ve delivered them, set up their new world, and driven or flown away. You feel the anxiety of their absence. Can they get along without you making sure the laundry is done, the curfew is adhered to, and the insurance is paid? Well, you’ve spent the last 18 years getting them to this point, so the assumption is that they probably will. This is the moment you realize your next parenting forage is going to be quite different… Something you’ve been working toward all these years. That is: letting go. There are some things a parent needs to do in order to make that happen.

Many parents find themselves paying tuition—all or part—or still in the position of providing financial help where needed. But, if they haven’t yet, it’s time for your child to step up and share in the world of funding their lives. Consider where your college student is and where they’re going. Determine what that means for them, school workload along with work workload. Set bars that they must achieve in order to continue to receive your support and agree upon ways they can partner in the shared financial burden.

It’s also time they make their own decisions. You’ve let them make many decisions under your supervision so that they get a chance to exercise their decision-making muscle. Now it’s time to see just how strong that muscle is.

Whether you want to accept it or not, they are in their own world—not yours—and the decisions they make will be theirs to own. Good, bad, or indifferent, the consequences will be solely theirs to experience. Scary thought, isn’t it? But parents, that is a good thing! They’re growing up!

If you remember correctly, that was the goal all along. The day has finally come for that relationship to cross the bridge from being solely parent/child to parent/friend. Their transition from living under your influence to determining their own choices on how to live in the world of their own making has come. If you’ve worked hard at your parenting job (not perfectly, just determinably), they will be fine. Don’t expect perfection, just more right than wrong from them in these years. It won’t come without bumps in the road as they hit some life walls (just like you did). When that happens, remind yourself that you got a lot wiser in those years, they will too.

Whether you want to accept it or not, they are in their own world—not yours—and the decisions they make will be theirs to own.

Once you’ve settled into this new life when the passing of their bedroom door no longer brings tears… When the memories of the little boy or girl that used to come thundering into the house become fond and not heartrending, you will love your newfound freedom. You’ll soon realize that you’re no longer waiting up at night, listening for the car to pull into the driveway in order to safely deliver your teen back home. You can sleep without disturbance. You’ll no longer jump when the phone rings at night after experiencing one too many auto accidents… They’ll call just because they want to talk, not because they’re in trouble.

Your relationship is changing indeed. But I can tell you this: it’s getting better, richer, and more fulfilling. The physical separation that begins on the day of the dorm room move-in leads to an emotional connection that is what you have always dreamed of. So parents: help them move, pine their absence, and then live in the anticipation of a future with this wonderful treasure that your child is. It will be so much sweeter than anything you’ve yet experienced.

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There’s nothing more painful than watching your child suffer. Not skin scrapes or even broken bones. But suffering from something that you see on every medical professional’s face that enters the room, is not just a mystery but is truly serious.

As I look through my life challenges, I’ve lived long enough to say there have been many, this I count as one of my very worst. It lasted nearly two weeks, one long hospital blur that was marked each day with doctors entering and exiting the room bringing us one theory then leaving with a new one. Each potential diagnosis would be followed by a new and different test.

My husband and I took turns sleeping on the twin bed they put in her room, doing our best to comfort her. There were times when they brought one more needle in to begin another blood draw that required 4 nurses to hold her down. I, the crumbling mother, could only walk out of the room to hold my composure, attempting to ignore her screams.

As I look back it is the hurt my memories hold, but even more I remember the glimmers that shone through these darkest of times. The light provided to me by my God, but delivered by those around me.

Some of the tests necessary for diagnosis were nuclear medicine. It was terrifying to know this was being done to your tiny little girl. Yet, it was the kind hearted technician who spent time talking to us about the process assuaging our fear. Not only did he spend time with us in his lab, this man came to our room on several of his breaks, bringing real coffee. He didn’t deliver the hospital kind but the real stuff to two parents that desperately needed a kind act. Sitting and just chatting about life he helped us believe things could be normal again.

There was light from my dear friend who called me at my home one night when my husband was on hospital duty. It was nearly midnight and once again I was not sleeping. She didn’t state platitudes, nor did she let me wallow in my pain. She told me jokes, some stupid, some slightly off color, many hysterical. For 30 minutes she just told jokes. I laughed, we cried, and after the phone call I slept.

She didn’t state platitudes, nor did she let me wallow in my pain.

We had asked for prayers. Didn’t know who was praying, desperately hoped many were. We worked in the music business, an industry in which word spread quickly and broadly. We discovered much later prayers had had been offered across continents. But there is one that will always stay with me. It was a very successful music producer in Nashville we didn’t know at the time. His name was on many successful projects, his work brilliant and his success well known.

Several years after our hospital stay I met this man. As we were just talking about life he asked me about my daughter. It took me a moment to realize why he was asking. Much time had passed and I wasn’t thinking about that season. Apparently the weeks we were battling this illness his family had written her name on a piece of paper. They then placed it under a refrigerator magnet in their kitchen and prayed. This was a simple real life act from an extremely unexpected place.

After two weeks her fever broke. No one knew why, they simply rejoiced with us that it did. The nurse on duty, who was as excited as we, took it upon herself to call the pediatrician at 9:00 at night to tell him. This precious man that had walked beside us in this painful journey got in his car and came to the hospital to see for himself.

After checking her over, he looked at us and said, “Do you want to go home?” Our immediate reply was that we absolutely did. The hospital staff stood on their heads to send us home that very night. It was a few weeks later that our physician told us he had presented our case before a group of area doctors to seek advice. There were some that said he should do exploratory surgery immediately. Even though pressed by peers, the decision made by he and his partner was that was the last resort not the first. Again, light shown through the physician placed in our lives. His humility and compassion ruled his decision-making. We could not have asked for more.

We don’t know why we were there but do know God was with us through the process, in the acts of others, in the comfort from him. I can’t fully explain the ripping out of a mother’s heart, nor can I explain his holding the pieces of that heart until it could heal. What I can tell you that I know to be true is, He was there.

If you look, there will be light. It may be a pinprick but there will be light.

I have walked through times of hurt, emptiness, times filled with feelings of helplessness. Seasons where life challenges have boxed me in from every side. As I looked around it’s as if I was floating in in a sea of darkness and I wondered how I would get to the other side. I guess I’m here to simply say this. If you look, there will be light. It may be a pinprick but there will be light. It may be shown through those around you even the most unexpected places. The source of this light is the one who loves well. The only one who knew what was coming before it came and knows what lies ahead.

I don’t believe I could manage this life without him. I certainly know I don’t ever want to. But even better I know if I trust Him, he won’t let me. For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5

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We seem to be looking at one another with disbelief, uncertainty, and discomfort. What do we do when we meet? What should (or shouldn’t) we say? Are we wearing masks, shaking hands, bumping elbows? Do we skate around the issues of injustice, destruction, hopelessness, and mankind divided, seemingly forced to take sides? Even saying “mankind” is currently taking a side. Are we mumbling through conversations because there is fear on every front—fear of misunderstanding or even harm?

I step back from these encounters and think, “What is God doing?”

In my lifetime, there have never been challenging times quite like these. I may feel uncertain on many things, but there is one thing I am confident of: He is always doing something. Evil, heartache, or injustice in any form does not come from Him. But He says He can use it for us, His followers. “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose,” (Romans 8:28). There is no exception in that statement… ALL things.

It doesn’t feel like a lot of good is coming from all that has transpired since 2020 started us on a crazy trajectory. Even though we see glimmers here and there, the heaviness in our hearts is palpable.

But What if God Has a Purpose in All This?

What if God has a plan for us in this season? To shake us up from complacency, to open our eyes, and pull us from life’s distractions? To teach us something that is both incredibly old and seemingly new?

What if God wants to remind us life is fragile? Our days are few. If we really believed that, would we live differently? Would we look to those around us and share our faith in a way we never have before?

What if God wants us to remember we are given each day with no promise of tomorrow? Would we look at our to-do list and remove the unnecessary? Would we turn instead to our family, our friends, our community and invest in their lives rather than our own often insignificant tasks?

What if God wants us to see past our comfortable world to the injustice of those of another race or culture, who walk a different path and have lived a different life? Would we step up, step in, and ask how we can help? Seek what we can do to make their circumstances better? Are there needs they have that we could meet?

What if God wants us to realize in this world of division that unity is one of the most important aspirations of a Christian’s life? Would we quit bickering among ourselves? Would we put aside our unimportant doctrinal arguments and hold only to “Love the Lord our God and love each other?” Would we seek to look at all sides of a conversation to gain understanding? Would we quit fighting for our side or the other side and look instead to God’s side?

What if God wants us to put aside fear—fear for our health, fear of being misunderstood, fear that taking the hard road is not within our ability? Would we use caution and wisdom, and at the same time realize that fear is a product of the enemy? Would we realize that fear only serves to paralyze and defeat us from all God wants us to do and be?

What if God wants us to learn, grow, and become more like Him in this season of uncertainty? Are we willing? Can we do it?

I Don’t Have All the Answers, but I Know the One Who Does

I don’t know if these things are part of what God wants to teach us in this difficult age, but what I do know is these are things that God wants us to know, wants us to do, and are principles that, in every year, are truly His.

May we take this season and let it change us, wholly and permanently. May we become a little more like the God we serve. If we do, we can help restore hope and offer wisdom instead of fear, confusion, and doubt. We can be His hands and feet to a hurting world.

I may not have all the answers, but what I do know is this: He wants His children to show this world His unfathomable love. A world which today feels as if it’s spinning out of control. And yet this, too, He will use.

—

When our faith is tested in times like these, we need to lean into it even more. Give a listen to this podcast episode of This Grit and Grace Life to learn how you can boost your faith now: If You Want to Grow in Faith, Try These Simple Things – 144

While the debate will continue on gun control, that’s not the discussion I want to have because I think there is something much more pressing that every mother needs to do. Prepare your kids. In every part of their lives, it is our job to prepare them. The thought of having this be a conversation required to raise children today seems almost outrageous. But we have to face our current reality, so it is one we unquestionably need to have.

It’s time to teach our kids to do two things:

One is to be ready for the fight. 

The second is to love the unlovely, so the fight never comes.

There is a line in a song by Cameron James that I resonate with, “I wasn’t looking for a fight, but the fight found me.” How many times in life have we found ourselves in a fight we weren’t expecting? Our children will as well, so we need to teach them how to survive and fight back when necessary.

The year terrorists attacked our country, my elder daughter lived in Los Angeles. The speculation was that if there were another attack, it would be in a major city to create maximum destruction. What location would fit that criterion better than Los Angeles? I took it upon myself to discuss preparations. What would she need if…? She created what we called her “terrorist bag” and stuck it in her trunk. That may sound crazy, but if there were a power outage, long lines to leave the city, no opportunity to go back home, and if transportation hubs were closed, what would you need?

While the debate will continue on gun control, that’s not the discussion I want to have because I think there is something much more pressing that every mother needs to do. Prepare your kids.

How to Prepare for the Fight

Kids today need to know what they need should this horrific event happen in their schools. It should begin with a preventative discussion not only with their teachers or school officials but with their friends as well. Find out if there is a crisis plan in place. If there is, get it and review it. Talk with them about the safest place to be, as well as the most vulnerable locations in their school. Review the steps they should take with a teacher present, and ones they should take if there is no teacher there. Ask questions: How do they think they would react? What would they do? What should they do?

Find a self-defense class in your community and enroll them. Many police departments offer training or provide information that can help as well. The training they provide may not be applicable to a school shooting scenario, but it will give your children confidence in their ability in many situations to be able to handle the fight when the fight comes to them. It will also help them with the mindset they need should that day arise.

How to Love the Unlovely

Have the conversation of facing the fight and finding the best escape route, but also take the time for the second needed discussion. One of the most consistent themes in every one of these events that take place is that the perpetrator is a lost, disenfranchised, and an emotionally disturbed individual.

In this discussion, there are things your child should know. They have an opportunity to be an emotional relief valve. They can’t fix someone who is lost and lonely, but they can offer them compassion. They can intervene in the bullying; they can offer kindness and understanding to those who often don’t receive it elsewhere.

They also have the opportunity to tell if they know of someone who is at their breaking point. One who is saying things that, if executed, will lead to disaster. They may be indicating thoughts and feelings verbally or on social media. An adult needs to know this. Whether it is you, a teacher, principal, or law enforcement official, it is vital to tell.

As much as we don’t want to have this conversation with our children, it is a conversation that applies in so many areas of life. Learning to face fear, challenges, and unexpected, terrifying life situations is vital to successful living.

Standing for and loving those who are hurting, disenfranchised, and those in need of defending is a powerful part of a purposeful and fulfilling life.

As we grieve for those who are facing another tragedy, holding them in our hearts and prayers today and every day hereafter, become proactive with your kids. Make sure they are prepared, not looking for a fight, any fight, but be ready if one finds them.

As much as we don’t want to have this conversation with our children, it is a conversation that applies in so many areas of life. Learning to face fear, challenges, and unexpected, terrifying life situations is vital to successful living.

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For more like this, we recommend:

How to Provide Comfort for Your Children in Uncertain Times
Surviving the Shadowlands of Teen Suicide
How Can We Be the Bridge to This Great Divide?
Taking Heart, Even When Tragedy Hits
How to Talk to a Child About Family Problems

Don’t miss these popular articles:

I didn’t have boys, so if you’re a boy mom, I can’t help you as much there. But from May 5-9, my Raising Great Girls Kindle eBook is absolutely free.

If you’re anything like I was in my motherhood journey, you probably have times of feeling every insecurity, a bit of a failure, with a boatload of mom guilt mixed in. I’m sure you also have seasons you think “I’ve got this!” and you do!

But no matter the season you find yourself in, I want to give you some of what hindsight taught me: hard-earned wisdom that I share in Raising Great Girls. Written with my personal experience, what I learned from other moms, as well as information gained from reliable resources, this is a project from my heart. From one mother to another.

Download it now, and send the link to a friend. It’s a gift from me to you as you live this Grit and Grace Life.

***This eBook offer will be available for 5 days only! May 5-9 you can download the Raising Great Girls eBook for free! After you’ve read (and gleaned), be sure to leave a review on Amazon to help other moms connect with this book.

A little bit about the book:

If you think being a mom is just one job, this book will tell you something different. But don’t worry, Darlene gives every mother of daughters a plan of action.

Hindsight: the ability to understand a situation only after it has happened. Darlene understands this reality very well now that the job of raising two daughters while working, traveling, and juggling life is behind her.

Having worked outside the home her whole adult life, breaking this role of mom into individual jobs, such as Academic Advocate, Creative Counselor, Time Manager, Media Director, and In-Home Demonstrator (to name a few), only seemed natural. Then, the discovery that there was a season for each job that she hadn’t even realized she had taken on made it so much more doable.

This book is a how-to for those responsibilities with each chapter written in such a way that will help a mother successfully manage the tasks at hand and down the road. Raising Great Girls includes 13 chapters for moms and a bonus 3 chapters specifically for dads.

You might be in the trenches right now, but that doesn’t mean you’re losing the battle, mom! And this book just may be the help you need as you work to raise confident and capable daughters!

—

Hey Mama, we recommend you take a listen to this episode of This Grit and Grace Life Podcast: Rest Easy Moms, Here Are the Things That Matter – 102!

But my heart doesn’t stay where she is today. Instead, it leads me to the actions throughout her life. The deep and constant investment she made in mine. These will always be part of my treasured memories, keeping residence in my heart. She was a woman I needed and, without fail, was there for me when I did. Her life held true purpose.

I grew up in a home with a challenging mother. That could be an understatement. At times she would be fun, helpful, adventurous. But often, she was angry and bitter, feeling life didn’t turn out as she had hoped. She repeatedly sought to blame those around her for life’s disappointment, leaving us trying to either appease or push back.

Through these years, I was not unaffected by her emotions, nor was I passive in my confrontation. Oil and water, yes, that was the two of us. It was well known in the family that there was turmoil, a minefield of emotions between this mother and daughter: her displeasure, my rebellion. Many family members were wise to give us a wide berth—but not my aunt.

She willingly entered the turmoil to be what I needed.

She knew me. She saw my opposition toward anything my mother said. Weekends came and I slipped out with my friends. I felt that nothing I did pleased my mother. So, I would choose to do what met her disapproval. My acts and her reactions led to nothing more than a perfect storm.

Even then, my aunt saw me as more than my actions, than my constant defiant stance buried in this angry teenager. And she loved me even when I wasn’t sure I loved myself. Her favorite phrase is, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Willing to overlook so much of what I would do because, for her, most things were small stuff.

She saw what others did not, believing in me even when everything I did said she shouldn’t…

A year after I landed my driver’s license, I convinced my parents I could drive the 136 miles from my small Indiana town to the college town that was my aunt and uncle’s home. Under the guise of just visiting them, I was meeting a need I desperately had, to release enough of what was building in me to avoid destruction.

I think for my mother, it was easier when I wasn’t home. My confrontational nature with her insecure anger was not a combination that made for a peaceful home. So, it was not a difficult ask to load my car and go.

My aunt would greet me on her doorstep with a huge smile and a ready laugh. She took me into her home as if it was my own. She knew I needed someone to accept me, fully and completely, with all my flaws, oddities, and confusion. She offered me unconditional love, with a warm embrace, never reminding me of what I had done wrong. Always telling me she was proud of me when I knew full well, she didn’t have a lot of reason to be.

She embraced all of me without hesitation, treasuring me as part of her life.

I can’t even remember everything we did on these visits. It wasn’t a grand plan or exciting adventure. Simply being in the company of this precious lady was all I wanted. She gave that willingly. I found myself joining in her laughter, relaxing on her couch, asking her to teach me whatever her current interest was. Crocheting, cooking, it didn’t matter that I didn’t care to learn those things.

What she really gave was the absence of conflict. A place without the disapproval, sharp words, and hurtful comments. Simple companionship without expectations. She gave that in spades.

She offered me uncomplicated life and safe place.

It took years and many life turns for me to work it out. In time, I left behind my animosity and became someone I thought she could be proud of. But in my often-confusing actions and choices in those years, many in my family questioned me, understandably so. Not every decision I made was sound.

Yet my aunt would say with that ever-present smile, “Darlene will be fine.” I don’t know how she could have been so confident because I wasn’t, nor were others who knew me well. But when I saw her confidence, I sometimes believed it could be true. That one day, I would work it out to be the woman God created me to be. And when I found my way, she would be there, without hesitation, saying to all who questioned, “I told you so.”

She stood up for me when I couldn’t stand for myself.

Over the years she became more than an aunt; she became my friend. As I entered the world of adulthood, I got to know this lady who meant the world to me in a different way. Our conversations became more honest, sharing lives rather than her just investing into mine. I learned more about her challenges. I realized she too had her own conflicts and insecurities. She didn’t live a perfect or uncomplicated life, but what she did was got up every day to do it all over again.

She wasn’t stopped by things that may have halted others. That smile was always available even when there was little to smile about. And she invested in me even when she may have needed some to invest in her. It was knowing this about her that made me love her more.

She was not perfect, but perfect for me.

I doubt that she realized what she was providing me when I was growing up. Nor would she have considered it a great action, a life purpose. But in hindsight, her efforts were filled with purpose, creating a significant impact in the life of this confused girl.

She did this while raising her children, dealing with the challenges of managing life that we all experience. I’m sure she had demands on her time and many relationships to which she could give her attention. But it was mine in which she chose to invest.

She didn’t go wide in what she offered; she chose to go deep.

If we are looking for our lives to have a true purpose, it isn’t the number of followers one has on Instagram. It isn’t in the books written, speeches made, or careers you have conquered. It’s by going deep into the life of one; how we care for others. You can lack education, finesse, even preparation or understanding of what is needed. It is choosing to become women of strength and compassion, then willing to share that with another.

Like my aunt’s life shows, it takes simple actions to impact the life of another.

Be willing to enter the turmoil when it is there; you are needed.
See what others may not, believing in someone even when they doubt themselves.
Fully embrace, physically and emotionally, so they know you offer unconditional love.
Be that safe place, a refuge away from conflict.
Stand in the stead of one who can’t stand for themself.
Accept that you will never be perfect, but you will be perfect for the one who needs you.

I needed that. We all need that.
And we all need to be that.

How we care for others reveals our true purpose.

I am much of what I am today because of this lady. This is the legacy of this lady I love. It is not where she finds herself at the end of life, but the indelible impact she had on mine.

But for now, her memory will fade, and the caretaking of this fine woman will increase. But there will come a day when her last breath is taken. On that day she will be made whole again. And when it comes, our God in heaven will be standing on His doorstep to greet her with His own huge smile and ready laugh, saying, “Welcome home, my child, welcome home.”

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Unsure of your impact? Check out this podcast episode: As Life Changes We Ask, What Defines Me? – 156

Something I frequently noticed while interviewing for a position was the majority of people were not very good at this process. They didn’t interview well! But those that almost always rose to the top had a few of the same job interview approaches. They possessed many of the same character traits. They got my attention and inevitably landed on the top of the pile to pick from.

If you’re looking to land a new career, here are my top job interview tips:

1. Research the company you are interviewing for. Knowledge of who they are, what they do, will give you insights for intelligent interaction. I loved it when a potential employee had done their homework.

2. Come in with self-confidence. Be confident in yourself and your abilities. If an interviewee believed in him or herself I was more likely to believe in them too.

3. Embrace humility. Seems contrary to self-confidence, but it’s not. There should never be duties below you. The bottom of my stack was filled those who thought they were above the mundane. We were a team and all hands on deck meant I ran the company but if I saw the trash needed emptying, I did it.

4. Listen. There was nothing more annoying to me than someone that believed they needed to bloviate. Representing yourself well means you listen and respond in such a way that I knew you heard me.

5. Follow up. Not overkill, but when I heard back from an interviewee, just a note of thank you or reiterated interest I kept them in the running.

Follow these tried and true tips. You may not get the first job you interview for, but what I can tell you from the other side of the desk, you won’t land on the bottom of the stack.

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Your success in a job interview often boils down to your confidence! If that area of your life needs a little pick-me-up, tune into this podcast episode for some sage advice: Does Your Self-Confidence Need a Boost? – 018

We Found Black Bears in Our Yard, and They Made a Statement

We didn’t know when we chose the land and laid out the building site that we had intruded on another’s territory. The well-worn path at the base of the back of our home was lined with mountain laurel that had a purpose for the black bear population. It was their road from one mountain top to another. They had traversed this path for years uninterrupted—that is, until we brought the first bulldozer in. 

Our tile installer sent us the first images of the bears wandering around our building site, followed by many other crew sightings. They didn’t bother anyone if we didn’t bother them. But after we moved in and planted the landscaping to complete the finished work of our home, they made their presence known.

The bushes and flowers didn’t seem to bother them. But the trees? They shared their feelings of disapproval loud and clear by first removing a few 6-to-8-foot trees. We don’t know to where. Three trees remained, yet they were attacked repeatedly. I didn’t yet realize that from watching this challenge, life lessons would be on display.

One has been laid prone in front of our bathroom window countless times. Two more trees were broken in half by these relentless creatures. Sections were missing, and the treetops were carried off to the tree graveyard they had created (that we still cannot find).

What I find fascinating is the three trees that we keep trying to save have responded differently to the bears’ attacks.

Our Trees Have Taken a Beating, but They Always Come Back Stronger

Each time we set the fallen tree upright to stake it back, it grows another branch. It is now 9 feet tall, no more than 3 feet in diameter, and barren in entire sections seeing nothing but the trunk. Yet, every time we pull it back to its full height, it stands tall, working to develop life from the abuse it takes. And each season of being left alone, it does.

The tree that’s repeatedly broken in half has decided to become a thriving bush. It grows slightly more elevated and significantly more expansive after each confrontation. The bears can no longer knock it down to lie on its side; they uproot it to become the leaning half tree of the mountains. Each time we tilt it back into place, this piece of God’s creation determines it will just add another three inches to the length of its branches. It seems in defiance, stating, “I will spread out so you can only bend me so far.”

The last, and what I consider the most courageous tree, has determined it will be a tree, no matter what the bears say! The day this evergreen was broken literally in half it was 8 feet high, 5 feet in diameter, rich in color, healthy, and strong. I looked out the window to see that this beauty at the end of our driveway had become half the tree it was the day before. While not being bent, the entire top half was gone.

I trimmed it, fed it as I did all the others, then left it to recover as it would. Six months went by when I noticed a top branch turning toward the sky. A second branch followed suit; then, within a year, this tree stood tall again. It is apparent to no one, except us who know of the damage, that a bear had ever broken it. The branches were topping the tree with the beautiful point that any Christmas star would be proud to be placed upon. It seemed to say, “No matter how hard I’m hit, I am going to be strong and proud, for I am a tree.”

Each of these trees inspires me. Each one has taken the blows they have received and made something new. Their determination and commitment to life, even when beaten and knocked down, is worth emulating.

No matter how hard I’m hit, I am going to be strong and proud.

Even After Being Knocked Down, We Too Can Prevail

We are no different. Unknown or unexpected attackers will hit us in this life. They can come in the form of health challenges, heartbreak in relationships, loss of jobs, or financial difficulties. While they hurt and cause harm, we have choices in how we respond after the attack.

Like the tree that gets knocked down, we often need help to stand again. We might need some assistance from others because we can’t do it on our own. But we must seek that help, embrace it, and allow it into our lives. Then, after being put aright again, you will discover within you the ability to bring life. There will be hope that new growth can and will take place, albeit slowly, with focus and determination, by nurturing the often small but real life that still lies within you.

When you find you can’t be what you were before, become something new, like the second tree finding its strength as a bush. It may not seem as impressive or magnificent as a tree, but that’s not true. It has a steadfastness that the other trees don’t. It now can withstand the subsequent hits and not be knocked down when the hits come. Easily set upright again to grow stronger, protecting the bushes around it. Coverage for the delicate flowers below it; maybe to suffer hurt, but never defeat.

The last tree tells us to stand tall. To never give up. To face with courage whatever befalls, confident in who we are. Defying the challenges we face, and rise to say, “You may attack, but you will not win.”

Life Lessons Learned in an Unexpected Way

I didn’t expect to face a population of bears that had so many opinions on my choices. Nor did I think they would offer a battleground for both me and my brave trees to fight on. But I’m glad they did. Yes, I delight in seeing the bears walk their path that I interrupted. The strength and grace they portray. The solo males with their power evident in every step. The mothers with their cubs. We know that they are the fiercest taking a wide berth, understanding their protective nature will prevail.

Now I know my naïveté didn’t understand they could threaten the landscaping I was installing, attacking randomly. Instead, by the very nature of both the bears and my precious trees, I learned more about life. Like the three trees determined to survive, we can prevail. It may look different for each individual or with each attack, but prevail we will. New life will come if we don’t give up, new growth when we don’t give in.

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Hear the story of one woman who was repeatedly hit by the storms of life, but determined to stand again: This Grit and Grace Life Podcast: Why Strong Women Can (and Should) Rebuild Their Lives with Molly Stillman – 125

As a follower of Christ, it is His principles that I try to follow. That is my desire. Imperfectly, yes, failing often. Sometimes distracted and caught up in the challenges of life, but it is my most passionate goal.

My Faith Showed Me the Needs of Others

One thing God has never allowed me to stay blind to is the needs of others. At least, not for long. Our eyes need to be open to see those who are hurting. To care for, defend, and honor one another without reservation or qualification.

My teen years first ignited my passion for civil rights before my faith became the catalyst of my choices. My heart hurt for the inequity that I saw based on the color of our skin. It was a heartbreaking revelation to me as a girl who grew up in a small town in Indiana with an almost exclusively white population.

An English class assignment led me to the library, where I often found life outside of the world I resided—choosing a book written by John Howard Griffin, a courageous white journalist who stepped out of the comfort of his world. He spent many months in the South, having taken on the appearance of a Black man in the days of segregation, to gain an understanding of the inequality and suffering. As I gave the oral book report, tears ran down my face, my heart forever changed by this work.

After that, it became inexcusable to me that the true beauty of our uniqueness could cause division between races. It still is today. It also caused me to step into the battle in whatever way a 16-year-old white girl could.

I Learned to See the Lost and Hurting Through God’s Eyes

In my early 20s, I determined to change my life, to get off the road of confusion. I was living in rebellion against everything I knew, running headlong into a destructive lifestyle that was robbing me of all that was good. As in everything I do, my change was extreme. Realizing I didn’t want to continue as I was, I joined a commune with others of my faith seeking to find their way as well.

It was there I developed a deeper understanding of the hurting, the lost, and the lonely. We took in runaways and homeless individuals who came from all places in life with every kind of struggle known to humanity. We housed hurts big and small, including those who were mentally unstable or sexually confused—even 15-year-old prostitutes. It wasn’t easy, and I saw things I had never seen before. But I learned in real life that God was a God for all. There was no circumstance too broken for Him to fix, no individual too far for Him to reach, nothing and no one was beyond hope.

I no longer viewed those we took in from a distance. Instead, these were people we learned to see through God’s eyes. It was our responsibility and joy to offer grace and compassion. To love them exactly where they were, as I had been as well. It was in that season He provided the framework for loving others.

Life in the commune also allowed me to immerse myself in His Word for the first time. Not just picking a verse to quote or memorize but digging deep into His account of humanity. His compassionate actions are spelled out within the 66 books, starting in Genesis when heartbreak began and concluding in the book of Revelation with the promise that pain will one day end. As I studied, it was no longer just an emotion or empathy within me that said I should remain awake to the needs of others. It was what was His Word told me I needed to do. And how I needed to do it.

There is no circumstance too broken for Him to fix, no individual too far for Him to reach, nothing and no one is beyond hope.

We Are All Equal in Worth

From the very beginning, He left no doubt that we are equal in every way. We were all created in His image, no exceptions, no deviations. “So, God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God, he created them.” (Genesis 1:27)

Gender, race, nationality, or life position are not dividers in God’s view of us.

“There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:28)

He chose to make us individually magnificent. We should celebrate the differences in us, not view them with disdain or condescension which opens the door for division. Our skin color, the texture of our hair, the features of our face and frame, our talents and characteristics—they make each of us unique. And lovely. Different but equal in beauty, purpose, and above all, equal in worth.

He also instructed His children to stand in the gap, to provide for the needs of others. In Isaiah 41:17, God makes it clear though that He first is the provider. “The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the Lord will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.”

We Are to Be the Hands and Feet of Jesus

But what we must remember is His followers are to be the hands and feet of His provision. “For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me…when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!” (Matthew 25:34-40).

There is nothing in this text that disqualifies the one in need. There is no caveat created by our God that says care for all except those with whom we may feel uncomfortable. We can’t avoid people we don’t relate to or understand. And we shouldn’t. These verses do not allow us to look away even when we feel helpless. Instead, we need to step up and step in wherever we see a need, a hurting or broken heart.

Nor is there a requirement for us to be special to do it. It is not our place or position in life God wants to use to accomplish His purpose. He can and will use every one of us. “Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important” (1 Corinthians 1:26-28).

We can effectively fill a need, yet other times we are called to be a warrior. We must fight the cause of those who need defending as they battle to rise above circumstances. Fight with integrity and compassion. And as we join the fight, let’s remember it’s not other people we’re trying to combat.

The battle we wage for the hurting is not a battle between humans but a battle to elevate humans. We must recognize and identify the true enemy of all that is good and right. “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12). The war we are waging is, first and foremost, a spiritual one.

The harsh words and emotional jabs found throughout the conversation on all platforms are ones we should never be a part of. Strength and compassion, Grit and Grace, are required in this battle. Used effectively, they are tools that will win.

We must also understand that to be effective in caring for others, we must do it together. “I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose” (1 Corinthians 1:10). We are far less effective alone.

The battle we wage for the hurting is not a battle between humans but a battle to elevate humans.

I’m Not Woke Because My Faith Wouldn’t Allow Me to Fall Asleep

As part of God’s family, we are to remain vigilant to the needs of others. In my life, I didn’t fully embrace what I was to stand for until I fully embraced the God I serve. Not until I surrendered to Him to love me, lead me, and for me to love Him in return. Sometimes heart follows actions, but actions will always follow your heart.

You don’t have to be “woke” to understand there are needs to be met. But I do know that you have to stay awake to meet them. When the world’s focus changes as it always does, we, the family of God, must not forget our responsibility to stand in the gap. To care for those who need us. It always has been, always will be.

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As Darlene has reminded us, every single person has value and worth. But sometimes we question that, even about ourselves. Hear from another of our writers who wants to remind you of how incredibly valuable and worthy that you are…

This particular brightly-painted bit of corrugation had wall art in it, the kind that’s there to inspire us. I’m pretty sure the piece that caught my attention was targeted at women. It stated this: “You don’t have to be perfect to be amazing.” Well, alright, that’s nice. But I didn’t need it—no wall space at home—so I left it out of my cart.

Perfection Is a Trap

But, as I rolled on, I thought, “When did women start feeling that they had to be perfect or amazing? When did we start calling ourselves queens and create images wearing capes?” It feels like by heading down this path, we’ve created another trap for ourselves. A trap that’s nearly invisible. We don’t realize it’s there until it’s almost too late. This inspiration we tout so freely on wall art, journals, and social media simply trade one adjective for another.

So, we don’t have to be perfect, but we can be amazing. Telling ourselves that we are still amazing feels so good. Patting ourselves on the back and rolling down the aisle to finish our shopping—we are amazing even then!

Until our child throws that inevitable tantrum the entire store hears because that unnecessary toy doesn’t make it to checkout. Or half of your list is out of stock, and you’re going to have to stop in three more stores, or it’s cereal for dinner once again. Or you got back into the car realizing you have less than 1/16 of a tank of gas, and you have to make one more stop that will make you late for that appointment.

We Don’t Need Another Bar to Meet

I think it’s time we step away from the well-meaning slogans we tell ourselves and each other. We all need encouragement and a confidence boost now and again, but what we don’t need is another bar to meet. We don’t need to be amazing, and we don’t need to be perfect. We simply need to live every day being okay that our best is good enough.

I think there’s an expectation of living life in the adjectives—amazing, beautiful, strong, brave—that leaves us wanting. These become our goals rather than the outgrowth of our life. Instead of waking up each morning saying to ourselves, “I will be strong today,” I think we need to say, “I will get out of bed and get the kids breakfast.” Then I will take them to school, get to work, be my best me, and try to end the day being able to say, “This turned out to be a pretty good day.”

In this world of slogans, it’s easy to miss that you cannot capture life in clever phrases. As insignificant as they appear, it’s the things we do for others that develop the descriptors we hope are used to define us.

There is a song entitled “When All Is Said and Done” by an artist I worked with. It was written while contemplating what he hoped would be remembered when his journey on this earth was over. I believe these simple words speak of what creates the amazing part of who we can be:

Will they say I loved my family?
That I was a faithful friend?
That I lived to tell of God’s own son?
When all is said and done.

Recognizing that these truths make life rich and complete is the healthiest and most peaceful way to walk this earth. But sometimes it seems complicated; we want to feel like we matter, that someone would look at us and say, “You are an amazing woman.” That’s not wrong or impossible, but clinging to phrases won’t fill the need we all have.

As insignificant as they appear, it’s the things we do for others that develop the descriptors we hope are used to define us.

Here are a few life guidelines I think would help us all find balance and contentment:

Understand that the ebb and flow of confidence and self-assurance is natural. Our highs will never be high enough to keep us from falling. And our lows are not as devastating or dire as we believe in the moment. Both are also temporary. It’s in the plodding middle that you will find contentment in life. It is also where our character is perfected.

Remove unrealistic expectations or demands. Whether it comes from well-meaning quotes, friends, social media, or even your mother-in-law, take these out of your life. No one can be amazing, strong, and brave all of the time. But being true to yourself, offering grace to yourself and others, and being faithful to do your best all the time is enough to show how amazing, strong, and brave you are.

If you care to do well, that’s enough. Life is more about our caring than our doing. Having the desire to be faithful in your relationships, to be a valuable employee, a good mom, a child of God who He can be proud of is really what matters. Actions will follow heart, so rest in that.

Stand for what you believe. Don’t compromise on your value, your worth, your principles. They will keep you on track to living a full and rich life. They will also protect you from the impact of others who can destroy your self-worth and take you away from the road you are to travel.

Live life to the fullest. Spending so much time pondering what we are, if we stack up, or where we fail robs us of what this life offers. Every day will bring both joy and challenges. Embrace them and treasure them all: the relationships, accomplishments, and glimmers of beauty around you.

Doing this will provide an incredible landscape in which to paint your life. Your view will shift from uncertainty to thankfulness for the life you’ve been given.

Our Best Is Enough

I don’t want us to feel we have to be perfect or amazing. My desire is like generations of women before us—that we live our best life.

There are countless women lauded before social media, and slogans are abundant on every wall, in every aisle. Mothers whose sons spoke of their impact at the celebration of their accomplishments, stating their mom helped shape them into the man they were. Tears shed at the passing of a woman treasured by her family. Lives saved by the selfless acts of caregivers. Homes filled with warmth because of the women who lived there.

It’s what we do each day that will create the adjectives that accompany our name. We don’t need to set a new bar to reach. We don’t need to wear a cape or say we are a queen. We need to live in the middle of life, loving our family, being a faithful friend, graciously telling of God’s Son. That’s what will create the accolades that are so much more than a sign on a wall—when all is said and done.

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How much “self-love” is too little or too much? Our writers share some great insight on this topic. Watch now…

It doesn’t matter your child’s age, nor whether you have a boy or girl. These 4 principles will apply to all.

1. Get to Know Your Child

It seems like a mother should automatically know who her child is. At least, we have those expectations. But the truth is we don’t know. Whatever the day looks like, you are meeting this human for the first time, whether it be through birth, marriage, or adoption.

You then discover that each child comes with a boatload of personality, talents, strengths, and weaknesses. They are not replicas of anyone else: you, their father, a sibling, or a distant relative. This will be obvious, even when they’re infants. So, it’s on you, the adult, to get to know them—building a bond by doing many of the same things you would do in any other relationship.

Mom, you will win some and lose some. But that’s fine!

2. Take the Lead with Your Child

By being present. Hate to tell you this, but this means putting the phone down. Not everywhere, not all the time. But your kids need to know they are a priority. That they matter more than all the life distractions we deal with daily.

By listening to them. That may be easy. Or it may not. If your child is the incessant chatterer, you can turn them off. Sometimes you have to for sanity’s sake. But don’t make a habit of it. They tell you who they are, their interests, and what is important to them through all of the long dialogues.

If yours is the silent type, then your listening is different. You have two tools for that one. First, watch their actions. Have they changed or do they appear ill at ease? With whom have they surrounded themselves? Actions speak louder than words, especially with your quiet one.

Second, there will be times it will require you to physically place yourself in their world. You do this discretely, not letting them know your real purpose for being there. Create “no escape” blocks of time. Your goal is to set up comfortable scenarios, not the need for a prison break. Perhaps it’s just the two of you at dinner, a sporting event, or a weekend trip—whatever you know your child loves, take them there. No-pressure scenarios create the best opportunities for them to open up.

By being honest. If you have made a mistake, admit it. If you need to say “I’m sorry,” say it. If your child feels uncomfortable going to a new place, and you do, too, tell them. Hiding all of our weaknesses builds a wall instead of a bridge in the relationship you want. Now, don’t think they need to know everything all the time. They don’t. It just means that they need to know you are human.

3. Help Your Child Be Better

By telling them they’re great. Don’t do this when they’re not great; I can promise you, they will have their moments when they aren’t. But every time you have an opportunity, let them know there is something special in them. From character traits to talents or actions, they need for you to applaud them for merely being who they are.

By helping them to stretch. When they are fearful or insecure, be their cheerleader. There will be times you will need to let them walk away from a challenge. You do that because you understand it will do more harm than good. But most of the time, you push them to finish, to accomplish, encouraging them as they do. They need to know you expect them to face the challenge, but they also need to know you believe they can. When they finish what they first doubted, their self-confidence takes a big step forward.

By being who you want them to be. Remember, your child is always watching and always listening. There is no better teaching tool than by example. You can’t expect them to embrace a personal faith if you don’t. Honesty won’t be necessary if it’s not essential to you. Kindness will not be shown if you don’t show it. Whatever character traits you want them to have as an adult, you need to display.

4. Love Your Child

By setting boundaries. These will change with age, your child’s ability to handle situations, and circumstances you find yourself in. But one of the most effective ways to show your child you love them is to keep them safe, even from themselves.

By never giving up on them. Children will test you, stray, and say and do things that can break your heart. Part of what they are seeking is to know they are loved no matter what. Your answer needs to be a resounding “yes.” This doesn’t mean you accept bad behavior; this means you accept them.

By never turning your back. I have never understood a parent saying, “If you do that, you are no longer my child.” No matter what they do, that is your child. They need you in the middle of their challenges as much or more than any other time in life. Your constant love through their disappointing choices will maintain a relationship. One that will be much-needed when the consequences of their choices come to light.

By showing them that you do. Every way, every day, they need to hear you say it and see you do it. This does not require perfection, moms. We aren’t going to be that perfectly loving, eternally patient, Stepford mom. We are real-life women, living in the trenches with all of life’s challenges. When you get past the inevitable conflict or quit steaming from the words that sassy child says, it’s the perfect time to let them know they are loved.

The Legacy of a Mother Is Built One Day at a Time

It’s a tough job, motherhood. But here’s how I know these things matter—I did most of them imperfectly. Now that my daughters have grown, there is nothing I am prouder of or feel the most significant accomplishment from than that. I have accomplished a lot in my life but nothing better.

It’s not because I am a perfect mother. I am not. Nor is it because I have perfect daughters. I do not. But as I watch my now-grown daughters do their best for their own children, I am thankful. They each parent in their own unique way, different from the other. Yet watching them, I realize I built a relationship with them that was successful, one that helped them become the women they are, and now they are carrying it forward.

There is nothing better than a legacy created through the children you’ve raised. You can do it, too, and one day you’ll have your moment of fulfillment and feelings of accomplishment. Until then, remember that success will come, one day at a time.

One day you’ll have your moment of fulfillment and feelings of accomplishment. Until then, remember that success will come, one day at a time.

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Raising kids is a big job. For more tips on doing it well, listen to this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: How to Raise Responsible Kids: Tips for Every Age – 087

Among our friends are tendered-hearted individuals who voted for every one of the candidates. Each friend made their decision based upon life experience with heartfelt pondering and a good conscience. We will not presume to judge any one person’s motives behind their vote when we can honestly say the whole of who they are speaks to their compassion, their hope for the future.

What we know is this, our humanity will always have different life opinions and that is a good thing. We make each other better. But the only opinion that is really right, the only one that holds real truth in all circumstances is not ours, is not yours, it is God’s.

So at this time may we step back from our rancor, quit questioning one another’s motives, and look to the source of our hope, to the source of unity. Today, let us choose to embody grit and grace by being kind (even when it’s hard) and looking for the best in others (even when it’s hard). If you’re a praying woman, might we suggest this prayer, prayed quite long ago by St. Francis of Asisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.

Your #gritandgracelife might be the humility and peace someone desperately needs today. 

—
Don’t miss these reads for the strong woman, here:

This Is What Jesus Says About Equality for Women
When a Strong Woman Is Quitting, But Not Failing
A Therapist’s Advice on How to Handle Conflict
Can We Bridge This Great Divide
When Life Gets Tough, Look to These 3 Things for Help
#gritandgracelife

1. Make a man list.

Every woman has a few non-negotiables. Write them down as your top “not going to settle for less than these” traits. Also add character traits that are important; those that will complement yours. Remember no man will meet all your criteria, but if you don’t know what you’re shopping for then you just might buy the wrong thing.

2. Relax.

Dating should be an enjoyable, relationship-building exercise, not a pressure cooker ready to explode. Enjoy getting to know someone, without constantly second-guessing and being filled with insecurity.

3. Don’t lose you.

If you have to become someone you’re not for a relationship to work then that is not a relationship worth pursuing.

Here are a few tips that will help you avoid wasting time on Mr. What-Was-I-Thinking.

4. Don’t try to change him.

Yes, we all change with time, but if there are things you wish were different in the man you are dating, don’t think you can make that change happen. It’s not a healthy job for you to take on and I can assure you that it won’t work.

5. Trust your instinct.

If you have doubts about the guy you are dating, don’t dismiss it.

6. If you don’t know, ask.

Are you wondering where the relationship is going? Ask. Wonder what his long-term goal is? Ask. Does he want children? Ask. You may never learn what you want to know unless you do.

7. Leave comfort behind.

Are you a couch-sitter who’s dating a mountain hiker? Give it a try. Not only will it tell you more about the guy you are dating, but it will afford you some unlikely adventures. And you just might enjoy them!

Dating can be a fun and productive life season if you incorporate these tips into your relationship building… You will be glad you did!

—

For more encouragement in dating, check out:

7 Things to Look for in a Man
3 1/2 Years Dating and Still Waiting
5 Guys to Avoid (That Your Mother Warned You About)
10 Things You Need to Know Before You Try Online Dating

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You’ll enjoy this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Dating? What to Look for in a Man – 073!

And for more on singleness, check out How To Embrace Your Singleness and Thrive With Jessica Hutton – 146

The truth is the institution of marriage was designed for “till death do us part.” It was created as a life partnership, sharing every segment of this journey. Only ending when one of the “two shall become one” leaves this world. That is not only the intention of marriage, but it is by far the best path. But today that is often not the case.

I am not here to debate the whys, place the blame, nor offer simple platitudes. I am here to help ladies walk through this as I walked alongside those I loved. My role was not to sit back in judgment, but to offer support, helping them move to where life was taking them.

So to those who are walking that heart-breaking, mind-numbing path, I want you to know that you are dearly loved. My heart bleeds with yours. I also want to offer a few things that I learned as I walked with my loved ones through their road toward healing.

You will grieve.

No matter what the cause of your divorce is, or even if you believe your heart is so damaged that love is no longer there; you will grieve.

Divorce is the loss of what should have been. The family that began on the promise of marriage was to be one of the major foundations in your life. It is not just heartbreak you will experience; it is deep, middle-of-the-night, no-holds-barred grief. Don’t hide from it, don’t wallow in it, but allow yourself the necessary time to mourn the loss completely and fully.

Divorce is the loss of what should have been. You will grieve. Don’t hide from it, don’t wallow in it, but allow yourself the necessary time to mourn the loss completely and fully.

You will be angry.

Whether it’s due to the difficult choices you will now have to make—where to live, how to pay the bills, or who gets the sofa—there will be a desire to place blame. Even if your spouse was the chump that had multiple affairs, blew out the bank balance, and was caught repeatedly lying over even insignificant things. Dwelling in or holding onto anger only ends up harming you.

That’s not to say you should hide your anger, deny it, or keep it to yourself. You shouldn’t. Feel it, kick a few doors, throw a few dishes, share it with the ones you’ve chosen to trust. But then work through it to the other side. It will take time, may require counseling but to move on it has to be dealt with. An angry heart will never be a peaceful heart.

You need time.

You need time to heal and that doesn’t come through quickly replacing one relationship with another. This is not the time to start looking for a new man.

Relationships that begin before your healing is complete will be built on unstable ground. You are hurt and vulnerable, which is never a good time to go looking for love. You must know this: you do not need the attention of a man to prove you are worthy of attention from a man.

The best way to know that about yourself is to prove you are whole and capable without it. Give yourself time, and by time I am not talking about months, but maybe a few years.

Your emotions will pay a price.

The optimism that you held as the girl that walked down the aisle is gone. This is one of the biggest reasons a new man too early will not work. The ability to again believe that a love relationship will last is tenuous at best when you have lived through one that didn’t. Doubt will raise its ugly head even when dating the greatest man on earth. But it can happen again. I have seen new relationships blossom when it appeared the only thing left of the heart was desert sand in which nothing would grow.

An angry heart will never be a peaceful heart.

Financially life changes.

Moving on by yourself, whether it’s from a marriage of assets and income or one where you both worked to simply pay the rent, your economics will change. A joint household sharing expenses is managed differently than trying to do on your own. After the settlement of assets and the child support agreements you are still by yourself to make ends meet. That doesn’t mean you can’t do it. You can, but what it does mean is you will have to make economic choices you may not have had to before. But it is not beyond your ability.

When you have mastered this new normal is a reward of its own. You will grow in self-confidence, strength, and fortitude when you realize you can do this! That “feel good moment” beats the agony of having to walk away from that great pair of new shoes on clearance any day!

You cannot walk this road alone.

You will need support. Find friends, family members, those who not only understand you but also are willing to care for you as well. You’ll need them to help you find that new home, to answer the phone for those late night conversations, to pull you out of bed when you never want to see the light of day, and to simply be willing to put an arm around your shoulder when there is nothing to say, only tears to shed. These friends are worth their weight in gold.

Take the time to look inward.

As difficult as divorce is, it’s also an opportunity to rediscover you. You will learn invaluable lessons about marriage, relationships, and especially about yourself.

You may be wandering the land of “If I’d only…” or “Where did we first go wrong?” Honesty is your best friend. This is not the time to heap condemnation upon yourself or your spouse, but take this opportunity to review and assess. It’s part of the healing process and is necessary to ensure that the future does hold promise—because you’ll have gained wisdom…wisdom and understanding, especially about yourself.

Finally, if divorce is the place in life you find yourself, there is hope…there is healing. There are groups that meet that will walk you through this painful journey. There are ones who love you that will serve you as well. Again, don’t go through this alone.

Each stage of the healing process will enter hard and leave at its own pace. But leave it will. When each part of this journey does depart, remember where you came from, how far you’ve already come, and let that bring hope. Hope that there is a future, because dear lady, let me encourage you: there is. One of joy, promise, and wonderful life to come. I know that you, my dear, have both the grit and the grace to handle it because I saw those I love do exactly that even when they doubted healing would come.

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For more encouragement in this season, you may enjoy this podcast episode: If You Can’t Avoid Divorce, Can You Do It Honorably? With Attorney Leesha Newkirk Crouch – 059

I followed that with a statement I knew to be true in my own life: “You have two ways to do this journey called life, with God or without God. I can assure you that without is so very much more difficult.” Of course, she looked at me with the face of an 18-year-old, her expression reading, “Really mom? I can’t wait to get on that plane and prove to the universe of the grown ups that I am among you and now I am free. I will make my own decisions. I’m a take-care-of-business girl. So let’s get going.”

I do realize that learning this lesson only comes by living it. My own journey has proven this to be true. The amazing part of this statement is not that life is hard, it’s that we have a God, Creator of the universe, who not only loves us but truly wants to walk this journey with us.

This world began when He did walk beside the humans He created. It was His desire, His purpose from the very beginning. Yet they chose—as we do every day—to create a dividing wall between their imperfect humanity and a perfect God. He cannot dwell among our sin, so the separation was established that we would not have Him daily at our side.

He was not content with this.

He loved us too much for that to be the end of the story. There was only one way to fix this, accomplished by the One who had no sin.

Jesus was that One. He entered this world born completely human, yet He was God’s Son and completely God. He was perfection in human form. He was the only permanent means to remove the sin we possess and become the bridge for God to once again walk with us.

He loved us too much for that to be the end of the story.

His life was one of sorrow, His death one of agony. He demonstrated to us, through His choices, the perfected nature of grit and grace. He showed His grace in while we did absolutely nothing to earn it or deserve it, He came to give His life for us. The Bible tells us “But God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners” (Romans 5:8, NLT). He never asked that we become good, act nice, or become lovely first. He looked at us, just as we are, and was deeply, entirely in love with each and every one of us. This is grace that we can only hope to extend to others.

He showed His grit when He chose to follow the path to His death.

He was entirely human and had no desire to take the steps He knew were ahead of Him. He fervently prayed, “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” (Luke 22:42). He wished not to suffer as He would. To die on a cross was the most agonizing, horrific means of execution in the history of mankind. He truly showed His love for us in choosing this moment in time to make His sacrifice. Not when execution would be at its most humane, but when it was meted out with delight in the pain of the executed.

He understood it was for us, those that He loves. His example to us of doing what none of us would makes any agony, pain, or hardship we endure pale in comparison. His was an act of grit unparalleled before or since.

His death didn’t end His story, but began the hope that we have today. He conquered death, rising from His grave three days later to extend to us that bridge back to a relationship with Him. To a relationship with Him in this world, and perfection in the one hereafter.

We don’t have to walk this life alone.

Jesus has every desire that we walk it with Him. All it takes on our part is to admit that we need Him. To accept this sacrifice that He made, the only One that would take the sin we possess and suffer the punishment we deserve. And to believe that through His act we can live with Him now and live with Him forever.

To accept the path He created and cross that bridge He built is simple: just ask Him. He doesn’t require anything of you but your heart; there is nothing you can do to clean up the mess of this world, or the mess of your life. He is only looking for a sincere heart. He requires no grand words, just a simple prayer extended to Him that goes something like this…

Jesus,

I believe you are God. I believe that you came to this earth because you love me and want to live with me. I realize that I am lost without you. I’m a sinner who can’t fix anything myself. I accept that what You did on the cross was done for me. So please forgive me, come into my life and into my heart.

It’s that simple.

If you have made that commitment to Christ I would love to hear of it. Every one of the ladies at Grit and Grace Life has done so ourselves. We have not achieved perfection, or lived life without challenges and heartache. But we have the wonderful privilege of a Savior, a God who calls us His friend and who walks with us through each and every day … giving us the courage and strength to live this life we call The Grit and Grace Project.

His was an act of grit unparalleled before or since.

—

Want to read more on beginning your relationship with God? We recommend you start here:

How to Pray: For Beginners
How to Read Your Bible: For Beginners
Truly, What Love Is This?
Chutes and Ladders—Are You Trying to Work Your Way to God?
Why It’s Important to Be Involved in a Local Church and How to Pick One
Building Faith: Growing in Your Relationship with God

—

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You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Grit and Grace, but What About God? – 105

It is in the source of my faith, the Bible, that I look for answers when exploring different positions found in the culture of varying religions. But, when seeking answers to specific questions, it is imperative that we glean from the entirety of Scripture, not relying on a single verse, to find the most precise and accurate answer.

The establishment of equality begins at the very start of humanity, according to Genesis 1:27, “So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God, he created them; male and female he created them” (NLT). In this text, there is no caveat that either gender held more of God’s nature or qualities than the other. Equality was founded in creation and was never deviated from throughout all of the Bible.

With few exceptions, the Old Testament followed cultural norms by assigning women to a specific status within their communities. Often divided by gender, the roles women filled were considered less than, not equal to their male counterparts. The New Testament provided clarity through the life of Christ on many subjects, including the value of women. As Jesus walked the earth, it was the defiance of cultural norms that upended the treatment of women in the world of men. He elevated their status by his very words and actions.

Did you know these incredible facts about women from biblical history?

*Christ’s first miracle was performed when his mother asked him to (John 2:1-11).

*The first revelation that he was the Messiah was to a woman (John 4:25-26).

*The most astounding miracle he performed was in response to a request by two women (John 11:1-44).

*Women were members of his group of disciples (Mark 15:41).

*Following his resurrection, his first appearance was to a woman (John 20:1-16).

*The very first people who were commissioned to be evangelists were women (Matthew 28:1-10; John 20:17).

*The Spirit of God was given equally to men and women at Pentecost (Acts 2:17).

*The first church in Europe began with a group of women and met in the home of a woman (Acts 16:13-15).

*The early church staff included many women (Romans 16:12; Philippians 4:3).

The very existence of these interactions and occurrences says to me that God wanted women to understand their value, importance, and worth in a culture that spoke quite the opposite. There have been attitudes within our faith since that time that have sought to diminish that value when the life of Christ said just the opposite.

It leads one to wonder: if Jesus’ treatment of women set the standard, why do we still have some within the circles of the Christian faith who continue to treat women in a domineering and disrespectful manner? In an article written by Beth Moore, she spoke of the sometimes condescending attitudes from men in ministry and frustration she has experienced because of it. As a woman who has studied the Bible for more years than some of those with attitudes toward her have lived, it seems she should have earned at the very least a little bit of respect. Perhaps those young pups were merely demonstrating their youth and yet-to-be-acquired wisdom. Whether male or female, I believe that anyone who has studied Scripture and maintained a solid reputation is worthy of being listened to and treated with dignity.

I recently read a story of Billy Graham that spelled out the influence a woman can have on a man of God. Before his ministry exploded in Los Angeles, California, he had just come off a very unsuccessful crusade in Pennsylvania. Discouragement and doubt led to a discussion with a fellow evangelist, Charles Templeton, which caused him to question his faith. It was in this season that Mr. Templeton, who had been a preacher with Youth for Christ, was embracing the philosophy that the Bible could not be fully trusted and the preaching that Rev. Graham was espousing was outdated. He sought to use that explanation to address the lack of success that had so discouraged the young evangelist.

It was during this time that Billy Graham accepted an invitation to speak at a conference center under the direction of Dr. Henrietta Mears. It was on those grounds amidst conversations with Dr. Mears, whose beliefs were the polar opposite of those held by Mr. Templeton, that he surrendered his doubt. Alone in the woods, his prayer of surrender and belief launched the most impactful ministry of the last two centuries. What if he had listened to the opinions of a man over a woman just because of their gender? Wisdom can indeed come from both and should never be discarded merely because a woman espouses it.

This conversation seems to lead us to the next one—indeed the more difficult one.

What does one do with the text about the submission of wives to their husbands in Ephesians 5? Does this text contradict the rest of the Bible that speaks to the equality of men and women? Or is there a healthy balance to be found?

I honestly hate the word submission. Not just because it seems contrary to my “take care of business” nature that makes it easy for me to dismiss, but because of how it has so often been abused. When it is not seen in the context of the entire chapter but is pulled out to justify one gender imposing dominance over another, it has been used to accept behavior that cannot be justified within the whole of the Bible.

As a Christian woman, if your husband is abusive, does submission mean you accept this behavior? The answer is no. If your husband doesn’t share your faith and tells you to abandon it, do you submit? The answer is no. What if your husband uses Ephesians 5 to live a selfish life with no consideration for you, his wife? If that’s true, he has not read the entire chapter, and I would say counseling is in order. It’s the cherry picking to serve one’s purposes that I think creates a problem.

The definition of this word, submission, is the act of accepting or yielding to the will of another. The synonyms include capitulation, compliance, and acceptance. The antonyms to this word are defiance, non-cooperation, and insolence.

I believe that the right interpretation of this text comes somewhere between capitulation and defiance.

A woman who chooses to create peace in her home by expecting her husband to love her in the way Christ loved the church and learns to depend upon his leadership can find peace in this discussion.

What this doesn’t mean is that we check our brain at the door. Nor does it indicate we should be absent of opinions or surrender our standards. And it most certainly does not mean we are any less than the man in our lives. But the ability to follow the lead of another creates harmony and peace. It’s true in organizations, true in churches, true in business, and true in families.

I think what is frequently dismissed in this conversation is the portion of Ephesians 5 that follows the one discussing submission. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” (Ephesians 5:25). There is a mutual submission displayed in the entirety of Ephesians 5. Should husbands choose to emulate Christ, which is what is instructed here, then they are willing even to surrender their very lives for their wives. In genuinely following the path Christ walked, a man would leave his comfort and face torment, pain, and humiliation, reflecting a love that by example revolutionized the world.

I believe what is indeed demonstrated in the entirety of this text is a mutual submission of wills. Marriage in its most beautiful and successful form joins two into one. Both with the goal of creating a healthy, vibrant relationship, one designed to truly exemplify the love and surrender of the God we serve.

Jesus walked the talk of true equality, and so should we.

The very fact that women have played a valuable role throughout Scripture and throughout history should undergird our importance. Jesus’ sacrifice to bridge the gap between sinful humanity and a holy God served not only to enable us to enter into his kingdom but taught us how to live until we do. He lived a life without prejudice, treating all men and women equal. He taught us, by his life, the definition of true, sacrificial love. He humbled himself and showed us how to do the same. He treated men and women equally because that’s what he knows us to be. From creation to the end of the age, this is true. We have jobs to do, roles to fill, and needs to meet.

May we find that balance—the landing place between compliance and defiance, creating peace in our home by the respect we give to the man whom God has called to lead it. But never forgetting our worth, as the apostle Paul said, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are . . . heirs according to the promise” (Galatians 3:28-29). My friend, we are equal, today and every day; the source of everything I hold dear tells me so.

—

You’ll also enjoy hearing rock star Korey Cooper’s take on these issues in this podcast episode: Victorious Women of Grit and Grace With Korey Cooper – 098

Then I look past those moments to see how you have lived, how you have loved. How you have filled the voids in life that others of us have no means to fill. You have stayed late to hold another’s grief in your arms when many of us go home. You have guided that niece when her mother is desperate for another voice, yours being the only one to which she will listen.

You have guided your children when you were the only one there. You have defended them, disciplined them, and cared for them knowing that your voice, though solo, carries weight. It was your strength and courage they depended on.

You have sat by your friend’s sick child’s hospital bed so she can leave and care for the other children. You are a constant in the needs of your community. You have taken upon yourself the financial support of a child in another country.

Dear single friend…your voice, though solo, carries weight.

You have grabbed ahold of life through international travel, experiencing the lives and countries I only dream about. You have gained understanding of the world at large through those adventures. You have crossed borders and bridged cultures, then brought back the wisdom of God’s diverse world.

You may wish at the next big event or party that you had a plus one, but I can tell you this: your life is rich. You have many plus ones. The lives you touch hold treasure because you are there, because you allow your time to be theirs. When many of us are packing lunches, vacuuming the house, and juggling our lives, you are mending hearts.

You inspire me. You encourage me. Thank you, my friend, for taking the life you’ve been given and showing me how to truly live.

—
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As in most things, information comes from every side, and what it brings is almost impossible to weed through because it remains contradictory. The American Academy of Pediatrics says kids need to go to school, “the APA strongly advocates that all policy considerations for the coming school year should start with a goal of having students physically present in school.”

The CDC creates guidelines to protect the children, yet they seem nearly impossible to meet and are ever-changing. The media speaks of Covid-19 upticks in cases and warns that the children may not be at risk, statistics tell us that is true, but the teachers might be. Every piece of information layered upon another is enough to make your head hurt.

As a mother, this leaves you in a ball of confusion. You have enough on your plate without having to figure all of this out too. But it’s 2020, and this is just one more part of a year we didn’t see coming. I know this: like everything else you have dealt with this year, you can handle this one too. Here are a few things I want you to embrace as you tackle this new challenge.

It’s 2020, and a new school year is starting. Or is it? Moms are in a ball of confusion, facing one more part of a year we didn’t see coming.

Your Child Will Be OK

Whatever decision you or your school board make, your child will be okay. Flexibility and resiliency are qualities of great value in an adult’s life. These traits are even more critical than Math or English, enabling us to maneuver our ever-changing, challenging world successfully. Your child is, without a doubt, learning what that looks like in 2020. Don’t underestimate their ability to adapt; they can do this. If they learn these abilities during this challenging year, they will be even more prepared for their future.

Trust Yourself, You Know Your Kid Best

Trust you. There is no one who knows your kids like you do—educator, doctor, or school board member. Every child is different with needs that are uniquely theirs. You know what stresses them, how they learn, what triggers anxiety, and what creates peace. Choose the road that works for your children. If the school board doesn’t offer an option that works for your child, join forces with other parents to apply pressure that they do.

Model Positivity (And Give Yourself Grace)

If you stay calm, they will remain calm. I’m not saying that you can’t go into your bedroom, close the door, and put a pillow over your face to let out a good scream from being driven to the brink every day. Of course you should do that. I’m merely telling you that the way you present things to them will guide their emotions. If you seem optimistic, they will believe it’s not a disaster waiting to happen. It’s an opportunity to try something new. Change your view; they will change theirs too.

Don’t Feel Guilty for Working, Mom

You are not failing with the choices you have to make. You may be faced with choosing between online or in class. If you have a job, your child needs to attend school. You don’t have the luxury of online; you have a responsibility to provide. You are showing your child that life sometimes requires we do something that isn’t easy. But it is the right thing to do. You are fulfilling a responsibility to your family that came way before this season of uncertainty. This becomes another life lesson that is more valuable than the education gained in the halls of learning.

If You’re Homeschooling But Not a “Homeschool Mom”

You may be in the online group. But you never were the homeschool mom. You’re swimming in the deep end and feel as if you are failing at every turn. I don’t believe that is true, but what I do know is don’t give up; find some help. Reach out to other moms, talk to your child’s teacher. Of any life season, this one means you are in this together. You are fighting the same battles and trying to work your way to the other side. There is strength in numbers, so gather them.

Work Toward Real-Life Solutions

Don’t simply surrender to the current fears that seem to be creating decisions—sometimes good ones, others not so great. The school board and local politicians are only looking at the collective. Often making decisions that are driven by the loudest voices and confusing information. I have repeatedly heard parents say schools should be open, with the same concerns the APA states. There is more at stake than just the education of kids, there is the whole child. As the discussion continues, I would encourage parents to lead in this process. With caution, cognizant of the health concerns, but ready to engage to create a real-life solution for the well-being of all kids.

Our Kids Need Other Kids

Finally, as you navigate through this process remember your kids need other kids. There is a social aspect of their lives that has been lost in this year of careful gathering. But, at this point in Covid-19, we are wise enough to recognize we need both sanitizer and human interaction. Find outlets for your kids to play, interact, and enjoy one another’s company. Creating this opportunity is a mental health issue, not just for them but for you too!

Allow Others to Help You

I know some children have to have structure. Perhaps they land on the autism spectrum, have learning disabilities, or emotional challenges that make flexibility impossible. This season has been more than hard. Let those around you help. Whether it’s a family member or friend, take all the help you can get. Let other moms know what you need, whether lobbying for school to return or just a helping hand. You’ve already got a tough road, and this season is making it harder.

For all moms, “You’ve got this.” You won’t do it perfectly. You will be frustrated, confused, overwhelmed, and exhausted! You will also have victories, laughter, and conversations with your kids that draw you closer. You were made for this year, for this experience, for your kids. One day your whole family will have the luxury of looking back and saying, “Remember 2020?” It is then you will recount all the experiences with chagrin and inevitable laughter. Until that day comes, I promise you mom, “You’ve got this.”

For all moms, “You’ve got this.” You won’t do it perfectly. You were made for this year, for this experience, for your kids.

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I want to say that I always react well; my response is steady, and my faith is strong. But that would be a lie. Sometimes I rise to the occasion, but other times, my humanity is glaringly present. In the seasons when I am disappointed in myself, I wonder if I am disappointing God. Perhaps he is as disheartened in me as I am of myself. I assume that he looks at my actions and reactions and then determines I am lacking. That I am not strong enough for what he called me to in life.

I’m not the only one faced with their limitations, especially when walking into the unknown. There are others around me who I know have as well. But is this solely due to the season we are living in, or has this struggle been present throughout history?

A Flawed Man With a Lasting Legacy

I recently read about the end of Jesus’ life on earth and found myself looking at his companions, those who walked with him in his final week of life. It was Peter who flew off the pages at me. A few days before Jesus’ last week, Jesus chose to wash the feet of his disciples. Peter’s response to Jesus’ action was one of horror, stating he would not allow his Master to wash his feet. It was beneath the Teacher he loved. When Peter was told that in order to be a follower of Christ and part of his family, Peter’s feet must be washed by this Servant-Master, Peter exclaimed that he wanted not only his feet washed, but his head and hands as well. In other words, Peter’s response was, “I’m all in.” He wanted to miss no part of the life Jesus offered (John 13:1-17).

In the last week of Jesus’ life, Peter observed so many profound moments. He was one of the two who were tasked with getting the donkey for Jesus’ entry into Jerusalem. The animal was exactly where Christ stated it would be, and it was given to them freely. Peter then watched Christ ride this simple creature into the town as the celebration along the streets rose to a frenzy. His emotions had to be at a glorious high. The masses were honoring the Jesus he loved.

Yet only a few short days later, he failed at the task given. After the Passover dinner which we now know as the Last Supper, Peter, along with James and John, accompanied his Teacher to the gardens. It was there that Jesus left the three, asking them to stay awake and pray with him as he began his heartbreaking journey to his life’s end. Yet Peter and his companions could not stay awake. As Christ was agonizing, Peter was sleeping (Matthew 26:36-46).

Soon after, the betrayer, along with soldiers and officials from the chief priests and Pharisees, entered the garden to take Jesus captive. They were determined to end the life which had caused such upheaval in the lives of the religious. Peter again acted rashly. He drew a sword to defend and attack, cutting off one of the servant’s ears. Jesus corrected him, telling him that was his plan, not God’s (John 18:1-13).

Even before the Passover dinner, Peter confidently proclaimed that he would never deny Christ even when Christ said differently. And Peter did, three times (John 18:15-27). When we read on throughout the New Testament, we are afforded an insight into Peter’s grief over his actions and are given glimpses into his disappointment in himself. Yet Jesus, knowing who Peter was—his strengths, his weaknesses—chose him, and had a plan for his life. The fact that Peter failed did not change that plan.

When I am disappointed in myself, I wonder if I am disappointing God. Perhaps he is as disheartened in me as I am of myself.

Shortly before what we term as Holy Week, Peter walked this earth as a disciple, following the Messiah he so loved. Merely 10 days later, all he knew had changed. His Messiah no longer walked this earth as he had before, but now lived on as the resurrected Savior. Peter’s world turned upside down, and he could recount all the ways he had failed.

Peter’s image is often portrayed in the Catholic Church, rightfully so, as the father of the New Testament church. He is honored because of what was proclaimed by Christ well before his death. Christ’s church was built on the foundation of this simple fisherman, this flawed disciple (Matthew 16:18).

In Our Failures, God Strengthens Us

Christ would use this man—as brash, imperfect, and reactionary as he was—to start a movement: the Christian faith, which would last from generation to generation. The church which transcends denominations, whose members come from all walks of life, nationalities, and cultures, from impoverished to wealthy; this church, the family of God, is filled with individuals like Peter. People like me, one who can courageously proclaim him one day and fail him the next.

It is this church and each of us that God intends to use, even when the life we know changes in ways we can’t anticipate or control. Even when we fall short and are disappointed that we did, it is in those times we are lifted back up and set right by the resurrected hands that gave his life for us.

It is during those times that we learn, grow, and become stronger so we, too, can fulfill our purpose. We can have a foundation that Christ can build on, whether in our home, in our community, or in our nation. Yes, we will disappoint. But as with Peter, Christ knew we would way before we did, but that did not change or defeat what was set before this disciple to accomplish. Neither should we allow for our disappointments to defeat us.

—
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Many men today are simply not getting down on that knee (or however you envision it) and asking the all-important question: “Will you marry me?” While I watch the single women around me who are dating and wondering about their future, I know this extends far outside of the world in which I reside. Further evidence comes from this very website, Grit and Grace. “If Your Man Didn’t Propose (But Should Have)” has been in our top 10 most searched and read articles for three years running. This challenge is everywhere!

It’s More Than a Piece of Paper

So, why is this so important to women? Marriage is just a piece of paper, right? That’s what they tell us. But I cannot state this more emphatically—it is so much more than a piece of paper. We see this innate understanding that marriage brings a higher level of commitment in the gay community’s push for the right to do so. So why is the heterosexual community leaving it behind?

I believe that part of the reason this change has occurred is the universal understanding that marriage often fails. As a result, many couples find living together to be a more reasonable option. But marriage is different than living together. It is a stronger commit­ment that is more difficult to dissolve, and it is harder to walk away from. It requires a legal contract in the form of a marriage license between two individuals.

It’s More Than Living Together

This trend of moving in together does not appear to be the answer to maintaining a long-term relationship even if the couple does eventually marry. Statistics show those who cohabit before marriage have a 33% higher divorce rate on average than those who don’t. (Read more statistics on this topic here.)

There is a difference between beginning a relationship with the intention of marriage, whether cohabitating or just dating. Relationship security, or lack of, always hinges on a real commitment from the very start.

While it is correct that a marriage license is just a piece of paper filed at the local county clerk’s office, it is what that piece of paper represents, and what the signatories agree to, that is significant. It’s a commitment to one another that is not easily or quickly dissolved, a willingness to sign your name with the intention that the only thing that will divide is “death do us part.” No other agreement, spoken or written, has that same impact or holds the same promise.

It’s More Than a Commitment

But marriage is more than a contract or even a commitment; it is an attitude, an emotion that we desire from the man we love. We aren’t content with perpetual dating or even a placating proposal. We want more than a permanent boyfriend or to obtain the status of the fiancée. Here’s why. We want to be cherished, and the marriage commitment proves we are.

The traditional wedding vows still hold up, and with slight variations are the ones most used in marriage ceremonies today. “I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and to that, I pledge myself to you.”

Contemplate the phrase “wedding vow.” A vow is a promise, an oath, a declaration, a guarantee that those words hold significance in the state of your relationship. To have and to hold in every part of life, the good, the challenging, the painful. You are stating on that day in that vow that you are in it together.

I take thee to love. Love is often such a misused word, that the vows take it further—to cherish. If you cherish, you treat tenderly, with care and concern. You protect it; you treasure it. The value you place upon this person is far above all others.

Finally, I pledge myself to you; two people can truly become one on that day. By the surrender of self, you join something greater. The union creates an entity that is stronger and more powerful than what you have experienced in your relationship thus far.

In All Ways, Marriage Matters

There is nothing wrong with desiring marriage. There is nothing wrong with being single. What becomes entirely wrong and where many find themselves is remaining in the middle. Don’t apologize for desiring this commitment. Be willing to walk away when you realize the one you are with doesn’t want it as you do.

You see, the piece of paper so flippantly dismissed does mean something. It’s an agreement that says you are all in. Not a toe in the water or even wading waist-deep. You are swimming the Atlantic together, sincere in your vow that when one tires, the other will keep paddling for both of you.

So next time you find yourself wondering what to do when he doesn’t propose, move on! If he has the character for a long-term commitment within him, he will find a way to move where you need him to be. Know what you want, be firm in what you expect, and make sure in no uncertain terms that the man in your life knows it too.

—
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In all things love, music makes an entrance even in this breakup scenario through the insightful lyrics of Paul Simon:

The problem is all inside your head she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

I may not have 50 ways, but if you need a few tips on how to get out of that dead-end relationship, this is what I’ve got.

Here are 7 tips on how to leave your lover:

1. Don’t put it off!
Another week or another month won’t make a relationship go any better if it hasn’t in the last year. You have lost enough time; don’t lose any more. (Don’t miss this helpful article, Why You Should Just Have That Hard Conversation (And How to Do It)).

2. Don’t break up via text!
Rumor has it Britney Spears broke up with her ex-husband via text—not a great idea. There needs to be a conversation that goes along with this relationship’s end. You’ve invested too much to dismiss it that lightly. Remember, Britney also shaved her head … I wouldn’t recommend that either (unless you have a killer shaped cranium).

3. Plan what you’re going to say.
Write it out and rehearse it if you must. If you really think through what you need to say before you get there, you’ll feel more confident when you share your decision.

4. Pick the right time and place.
Don’t drop this on a night with a group of friends or at his parent’s home in the middle of dinner. Choose a place and time that doesn’t involve other people and gives space for a real conversation.

5. Be honest.
That’s a hard one. It seems a lot easier to say, “We’ve just grown apart,” but if the guy won’t step up for you then he probably won’t step up for other things in life. Don’t accuse and don’t be condescending—just be honest. You may help him figure things out for his future.

6. Do not argue.
If the temperature rises and the voices do too, pull it down a notch. Nothing will ever be accomplished when there are explosions.

7. Give him closure.
There’s nothing worse than being broken up with while at the same time being led to believe there may be hope in the future. If you mean this, then make sure he knows you do. If not, don’t break up in the first place!

If your relationship is at a definitive end, but your heart is hurting because you’re with a guy who will never get it no matter what you do … I will leave you with a few more lyrics of “Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover.”

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain about the fifty ways…
You just slip out the back, Jack.
Make a new plan, Stan.
You don’t need to be coy, Roy.
Just get yourself free.
Hop on the bus, Gus.
You don’t need to discuss much.
Just drop off the key, Lee.
And get yourself free.

—
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According to the accompanying letter from the Secretary of State, “Right now traffickers are robbing a staggering 24.9 million people of their freedom and basic human dignity—that’s roughly three times the population of New York City.” I have to repeat that: three times the population of New York City!

Just envision the streets of New York—the bustle of those walking to work, the number of people in every high rise and workplace, and every apartment building and borough that surrounds the city—then multiply it by three. Look at the faces, think of their promise, their hopes, their dreams, and realize that that is the number of people who have had their hopes dashed. Their lives have been reduced to nothing more than objects of another’s sexual gratification. They’ve been driven to a life, I have no doubt, that none would choose without the circumstances in which they find themselves. Or, tragically, they’re being exploited by another without choice.

In a recent interview, Geoff Rogers, co-founder of the United States Institute Against Human Trafficking (USIAHT), made this statement, “The United States is the No. 1 consumer of sex worldwide. So we are driving the demand as a society.”

What a heartbreaking reality. This country’s demand is the lifeblood of the growing problem. Without this sexual thirst, there would be no commodity to sell, no wealth acquired, no business created that would destroy real individuals who, most often, are the most vulnerable: our children.

“The United States is the No. 1 consumer of sex worldwide.” What a heartbreaking reality. This country’s demand is the lifeblood of the growing problem.

In the same interview, Geoff Rogers also states, “So there are tremendous numbers of kids, a multitude of kids that are being sold as sex slaves today in America. These are American kids, American-born, 50 percent to 60 percent of them coming out of the foster care industry.”

Confirmed by the State Department, these and other disenfranchised children are at the highest risk of being exploited and sold into this system of reducing humans to a mere profitable commodity. Destroying their mental, physical, and spiritual health, this industry is robbing them of their future; it is destroying their lives.

I believe this reality is a call to all who know that we are here for so much more than another human’s gratification. This knowledge should become most urgent for those within the community of faith. Not only does our faith teach that love should be our leading principle, but it states that protecting the most vulnerable is our job, our duty.

Mark 10:14 states, “But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, ‘Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.'” Children are one of God’s marvelous treasures. If this is true, why wouldn’t we value them as such?

As People of Faith, Actions Speak Louder than Words

As Christians, we often speak from the pulpit about the horrors of an industry such as this. We have discussions and seasons of prayer. We sadly commiserate the growth of evil directed toward the vulnerable, feeling the helplessness to stay the surge. Our hearts hurt for those so demeaned and destroyed, seeking answers from the God we serve.

Every bit of this exercise and those emotions is excellent and right, but often the answers to this scourge are that we need to do more. Following our prayers, we must put action to our discussion and be willing to enter the battle. We must get out of our seats, into the community, and make an impact. Fortunately, in recent years, we have seen many individuals and entities of faith step up, and that is good. But in light of the current statistics, we of all people must do more.

Following our prayers, we as people of faith must put action to our discussion and be willing to enter the battle.

The foster system is a broken one, filled with children who need a guardian ad litem (GAL). GALs are individuals who selflessly stand in the court system on behalf of these children, and they have no interest or agenda other than the well-being of that little one. In every community, this need is profound. Training is available, and it will enable many of us to become that person for these children; all you have to do is step up. (Read more about this here.)

Not only do they need a voice, but they also need a home, a place of safety from their lives of turmoil. Their lives lack a stable surrounding and a family to love them to the best of their ability for a day, a week, months, or even years. The hope is that by providing that home, you can help change the trajectory of one child’s future. According to 111Project.org, an organization committed to solving the national child welfare crisis, if one family from each church was willing to provide a home to a child in foster care, there would be none without.

These are daunting jobs, not for the faint of heart. These children come with a boatload of hurt and anger, often having learned the art form of lying and manipulation. Being an objective guardian ad litem for a child includes listening to all sides (including that of the child), disseminating truth from lies, gaining an understanding of the system they are caught in, and willingly exploring all options available for the good of the child they serve.

If you choose to bring them into your home, the challenges these children bring are not insignificant, and minimizing them would be a disservice to any family considering this step. They can disrupt all that is normal, test every emotionally stable bone in your body, and even break your heart.

But, is it something you can do. So, are you made for this battle? Someone needs to step in, to potentially change the future of these children’s lives. To protect them from an industry that preys on their vulnerability. Maybe you are that one. The one who can save one child from this nightmare of sexual exploitation and destruction. By doing so, you are fulfilling one of Jesus’ tender promises, “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me” (Mark 6:37).

The Parallel Between Human Trafficking and Porn

When exploring the rise of the human trafficking industry, we cannot ignore the parallel growth of the pornography industry. To pretend it is not present within our faith community is foolish at best. We are not devoid of sexual pleasure and its allure. We enjoy the richness of healthy sexual relationships but are not immune to the draw of that which are not. (In fact, one of our writers bravely shares this piece of her story in a must-read article: The Good Christian Girl Who Struggled With Porn.)

It no longer requires an individual to travel to the one or two stores located in what was considered the “seedy” part of every community—perhaps having to cross county lines so others wouldn’t see the act of indulgence in the dark of night. The availability of this material has made its way into every home via every cell phone, tablet, and computer that’s in the hands of those both young and old.

It is not merely accessible; culturally, in many ways, it has become acceptable. If we are honest about this reality, we must recognize that the consumption of this product creates a desire for more. What was once sexually satisfying is replaced by a thirst for something more exciting and experimental, even destructive.

When exploring the rise of the human trafficking industry, we cannot ignore the parallel growth of the pornography industry.

Fight the New Drug, a website that touts it is neither religious nor political, speaks to three ways watching porn is harmful. First, it rewires your brain, creating the right conditions to release the chemicals that make lasting changes to the brain’s function. Second, the “reward center” of the mind becomes bored with what used to be sexually exciting to the individual, requiring more hardcore sexual input and acts to satisfy. Finally, it is addictive, and like any other habit-forming drug, it becomes more than a part of your life; it becomes the driver that leads every other part of your life.

The Normalization of Porn in Youth and Families

Another horrifying fact is that no longer are adults the only ones participating in this industry. Kids are as well, which leads to an acceptance of behavior toward them from another that should never be allowed. Viewing the aggressive nature and the demeaning of women creates normalcy that should not exist. This normalization in the minds of adults and kids alike make it easier for the human trafficking industry to grow.

Not only should it be our responsibility to care for and guard the most vulnerable in our community, but it should also be ours to care for and guard the hearts and minds of our family. Again, we must understand we are not immune. The saying of John Bradford that dates back to the 1500s should be just as true for us today, “There but for the grace of God, go I.”

Don’t believe that you, your spouse, or your children are exempt. Instead, take steps and be healthily armed with the truth of this industry, it’s long-term effects, and the ways to protect your family from its destruction. It’s not a discussion to avoid within your family; it is one that requires a pro-active mindset so you don’t find yourself in a situation where you are reacting to its impact. (Don’t miss this helpful article: Advice on Technology Safety for Kids From a Licensed Psychologist.)

As I read this current report, I found myself growing in anger. Everything within me wanted to destroy the destroyers. I wanted our politicians to enact laws and our institutions to decry this evil. I wondered why God didn’t intervene. Where was he when a child was taken or why weren’t their circumstances changed so they did not fall victim to those who perpetrate evil? I have no answers to these questions. Yes, I realize it is part of a world that is still unredeemed; sin is still prevalent, which is the catalyst for much of what we do. But couldn’t he have destroyed those who destroy?

While I can’t answer the why in the short-term, I do know this: his eye is on that child as well as those who exploit them. Matthew 18:6 tells me this, “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.”

He is a just God and has every intention of punishing appropriately. Something I am quite sure I would be incapable of doing no matter how righteous my anger is. My punishment would not be nearly as fair and right. I also understand God’s punishment, as well as his love, is available to both the victim as well as the victimizer. He would be just where I would most probably fail.

This report should serve as a wake-up call to all of us who serve a God who asks us to care for the vulnerable, the hurting, the lost. It should awaken anger toward this evil and inspire a commitment to be the bridge. It is upon us to be the bridge for those who are on a path that can end in a life caught in the web of human trafficking. To help them exit before they get there. We can also offer something more to both victim and even the victimizer: a life that God provides—hope for a better future. A life that is filled with the grace we were given is not just ours to hold but can be theirs as well.

—

Read what our other writers have to say on this topic and how you can make a difference:

The Good Christian Girl Who Struggled With Porn
This Is Why Women Are Great Defenders of the Helpless
The Solution to the Sex Trafficking Problem
4 Ways You Can Join A21 in the War on Human Trafficking
Great Sex—What Is It?

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You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Sex Trafficking: Why Kids are at Risk and What You Can Do to Protect Them with Christy Ivie – 121

When we were young and building the early stages of his music, we didn’t really think life would touch us. At least not in the ways that it has years later. I think we believed that as Christians, surely, some of the heartbreak would pass over us. We were striving to serve a faithful God who, by his very nature, loves us perfectly and wants the best for us. 

What I believe we didn’t understand is that no matter how committed we are or how passionately we proclaim truth and compassion, we still live in a fallen world. And we will feel the effects of it.

I felt it when my father, a man who proclaimed his faith as long as I can remember, committed suicide. It seemed as if he failed in the belief he held. The words at his memorial, “Don’t mistake the man for the moment,” became a banner cry in my life.

We feel it when our daughters become pregnant. When our sons pursue drugs. When cancer strikes the young mom who is taken from her children who need her in their lives. In all of these and in so many other heartbreaks, we wonder why.  

No matter how committed we are or how passionately we proclaim truth and compassion, we still live in a fallen world.

When we are young, we often believe if we do everything right then these things won’t happen. Our faith will exempt us from these roads that we see others traverse. As we experience life, we realize that is far from true. An honest reading about the humans in God’s word spells this out in living color. They, as well as those they loved, experienced life, all of life.

Our natural response is to place blame. On ourselves—what did we do or not do that would have made the difference? On the culture—surely it had a place in what happened or the surrounding circumstances. Or, we may be angry toward the one whose action caused such grave results. I know that was true for me when my dad died. 

Or, are we angry at the God we have served who could have prevented it? Weren’t we faithful enough? Didn’t we choose to follow him with all we are? Doesn’t that count for something?

What I know now is this: no matter what we do, this world will bring heartache because of the state it is in. The sin that entered it when the first of us disobeyed is still present, and it will have an impact on our children, our marriages, and our health. 

When it does, we are not less Christian; our faith is no less secure. Nor does it make us more of a Christian when we are the one on the outside who is able to say that our family escaped the problems others face.

What real-life shows us is this: none of us is exempt from the heartbreak Toby and Amanda are facing. Not one of us will escape this earth unscathed by the pain it can bring. Our God warned us that pain would come. “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth, you will have many trials and sorrows.” Yet he didn’t end that revelation there, “But take heart, because I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

No shame or guilt should be carried by the heartbroken. And neither should we condemn or judge. Instead, we must step back and remember John Bradford’s famous words, “there but for the grace of God, go I.” Let us love one another, standing together side-by-side. Facing what we didn’t see coming and looking beyond. To the hope of our faith, to a new world, a new life, “where tears will be no more.”

But for today, hold those you love dear. Stand with the prodigals, offer hope to the hopeless. Never give up, for “weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:5).

“Writing this song felt like an honest confession of the questions, pain, anger, doubt, mercy, and promise that describes the journey I’m probably only beginning. One thing I know is that I am not alone. God didn’t promise us a life of no pain or even tragic death, but He did promise He would never leave us or forsake us. And I’m holding dearly to that promise for my son as well as myself.” – Toby

—

For more encouragement on difficult seasons of faith, check out:

Infertility Is an Interruption, but Not the End
When You’re Desperate to Know the Reason for Your Pain
How Grit and Grace Are Carrying Me Through Infidelity
What Your Grieving Friend Really Wants You to Know
A Life Full of Hardship Has Made Me Joyful
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Is your faith being challenged by life? Here’s an episode from This Grit and Grace Life podcast that might help: How to Handle Real-Life Struggles That Challenge Your Faith – 112!

Image from USA Today

But living life means going through the tough stuff too. There are seasons when life challenges become painfully real, tempestuous, and can appear without end. Those seasons don’t avoid the holidays or even the very day we set aside to be thankful.

The last thing that crosses our mind when the life-waves hit is gratitude for the very wave that just slammed us upside the head. These times require a lot more effort and very often are discovered in the perspective of hindsight, your view from the other side. But as every strong woman does, let’s make an effort to find gratefulness…

What can we say when the tough stuff hits?

An unfaithful spouse leaves you and your children. Be thankful for those children, even though they came from the creator of your broken heart. They are your treasure today and tomorrow, your reason to go on.

You are ill and the road is daunting. Be thankful that in this season you will cherish everyone you love. Because you know that life is fragile, you will purposefully spend time loving them in ways that had you been well, you may not have.

Your grown child is on a path you know is dangerous and destructive. Be thankful you are their mother. You will love them, pray for them, and be strong for them in the ways they need. You are the one who still believes in who they are capable of being when others no longer see it.

There are seasons where life challenges become painfully real…Those seasons don’t avoid the holidays.

You have lost your job. Be thankful that there are new beginnings, even ones you don’t currently see. Knowing what you have learned in the positions you have already held will prepare you for that future.

Loss of a loved one. Be thankful for what your life with them brought. The breadth of the relationship shared that was filled with mutual love, joy, difficulties, heartfelt discussions, and lots of laughter. Memories to be forever treasured.

Finding those things to be thankful for in the difficult times doesn’t remove the pain nor diminish the challenges. What it can do is make each day a little easier, knowing these seasons are just that, a period of time that comes to an end.

Every one of us has walked through these seasons and will do so again. It’s looking to the strength gained, the wisdom learned, and the compassion for others developed that gives us reason to be grateful, even in the midst of the tough stuff.

—
For more articles on strength in hard times, start here:

For the Woman Who Wants to Be Strong
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You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Talking About the Funny Things We are Thankful For – 013!

Yet someone whom I walked a significant season of life with, Toby McKeehan, and his wife, Amanda, have found themselves facing the very thing I have always dreaded. When they were dating, I served as his personal manager. We were in the studio recording  dc Talk albums, and Toby would be on the phone chatting with Amanda—who was home in Jamaica or her school in the states—when he should have been working on his music.

On music video sets it was always the same. He would be in a corner of the room talking to the girl he was crazy about, pondering his future. It was obvious they were very much in love and destined to have a life together. He created a home for them, a place to eventually bring his bride. Thrusting Amanda into the crazy life that a musician leads: weeks at home, weeks on the road. Late nights recording, producing, starting a record company of his own and building a career he was passionate about.

Hopes and Dreams Never Include Heartbreak

Through the years, children were added to their lives. Some through birth, others through adoption. They were building a strong family, living passionately committed to their purpose. Their firstborn was Truett. A beautiful boy full of life; also the one they suddenly lost.

“21 Years”

I don’t think the death of any child would be less than a heart-wrenching experience. But to lose one unexpectedly, at merely 21 years of age, who was beginning a music career he was passionate about would add another layer of heartbreak.

I know on the early telephone calls or the beginning of their life together this road would not have been one they could have imagined. The hopes and dreams of a young married couple would not include a heartbreak this difficult. Years of life may not have prepared them for this day, but what I know is that those years have solidified their faith, a trust in God no matter what this life holds. I’m quite sure the pain is not diminished nor the void any less real. But life’s passion and purpose can rise in the midst of the pain.

The hopes and dreams of a young married couple would not include a heartbreak this difficult.

Healing Through Music

That music that has filled the life of TobyMac and burned in the heart of his son, Truett, is one of the richest expressions this life offers. The movement of a melody, the lyrics that speak words we often search for but cannot find. Songs bring us to our knees, offer us hope and inspire us to be more.

It is music that will carry forward the life and legacy of this young man and the passion of a family experiencing a loss I pray few of us will ever know. The Truett Foundation was formed by Toby, Amanda and their family to give others an opportunity to pursue a passion or a dream when the opportunity may not exist to do so. In the midst of their pain, they have sought and found an incredible purpose.

“Truett Foster Mckeehan had an untamable grand personality and dreams to match. Since the age of 12, he knew he wanted to make music. Dreams are so important to kids growing up. Too many kids do not have the financial ability to pursue their dreams. We want to use this fund to help kids do just that. Get an education, to pursue music, to get the chance to live their dream. Truett would have loved that.”

This life will bring every one of us joys and heartaches we won’t anticipate. As we travel the journey set before us, we too may be faced with seemingly insurmountable pain. Our hearts may be shattered by circumstances outside our control. But that does not mean there is no longer hope. Nor should we believe that treasure won’t arise from the ashes of grief.

Each of us in those circumstances may find a purpose we are astounded by. Something we never dreamed of or sought out. One that comes out of pain we never anticipated, but one that is bigger and broader than the heartbreak of the day.

The musicians who will receive the scholarships, that pen the songs of tomorrow, will be able to do so because of one family that turned their grief into hope for others. Those who will write the melody and create the lyrics to inspire a heart will do it because a young man was passionate about setting that life to a song.

This life will bring every one of us joys and heartaches we won’t anticipate. Life’s passion and purpose can rise in the midst of the pain.

Feature image from TobyMac’s X account.

—

Are you looking for hope in tough times? Start here:

Love Not Lost: Giving the Best Gift to Grieving Families
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Battered Faith: Holding on to Hope Even When You Struggle
My Dad’s Suicide and the Hole in My Heart
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We have within us a quiet barometer, which, if listened to, will help us sort out truth from theory. There is an inner voice in all of us that speaks sometimes faintly, other times with urgency. It’s a voice we should listen to. When having sex for the first time, that voice will often speak to our fear, anxiety, and uncertainty. Those are natural and real emotions. But when we are confronted with sexual acts that deviate from sex in its most natural form, that voice creates urgency, discomfort, and alarm.

The Changing View of Sex in Today’s Culture

Today’s marketplace speaks of the sexual experience as a casual act and also as an experimental one, a form of entertainment to be entered into lightly with no emotional ties. We’re encouraged to try new avenues of sexual activity, with several partners, and to experiment in the process.

This way of thinking belies the real sexual intimacy and fulfillment that is founded in a relationship, not in a physical act. The type of relationship I’m referring to is when a man and woman have a commitment based in love, layered with respect for one another. Not a perfect relationship, but one that strives to care for one another selflessly. A relationship that is built upon trust, and is developed over time. That is the foundation for sex to be fulfilling and complete for both individuals.

This relationship would never ask for something disrespectful or expect you to be casual without a commitment. They would not ask you for something to which your inner voice immediately reacts in alarm. You may stifle that voice, ignore it, or discount it, but it is present for one purpose: your protection.

A satisfying sex life is based upon sharing your life and your heart, not just your bed.

The Pain of Casual Sex

There are two conversations that are currently driving the discussion of sex, and I believe both should have every one of our voices screaming. The first conversation promotes casual sex with whoever holds your momentary interest—no strings attached. This can be physically entertaining if you have a partner who knows how to push all the right buttons. There is a momentary excitement and pleasure. But it’s like taking a ride on the craziest roller coaster in the amusement park. The rush is huge for the five minutes you are on it, but when you get off there is no lasting impact.

The Confusion of Experimental Sex

The second conversation is growing in popularity, and it’s about experimental types of sex. Recently, the most vogue and daring conversations explore the challenges and merits of anal sex. The publications that have stepped into the dialogue include Allure, Vogue, and Gwyneth Paltrow’s modern lifestyle website goop.com, to name a few. Even more disturbing is an article in Teen Vogue that specifically targets a young and vulnerable demographic.

The articles I have seen are intended to walk the participant through the steps of how to take on this sexual act, detailing how one needs to prepare in order to eliminate pain and prevent physical damage. Unlike vaginal sex, there is the very real potential of tearing—creating not just pain, but damage that requires medical attention. The natural lubricants that are in the vagina are not present, making this a much more dangerous sexual encounter. It leaves one to wonder if the pain and health risks are that high, why do we think this experiment holds merit? And why would someone who claims to care about us ask us to put ourselves in a painful or harmful situation?

Trust Yourself. Value Yourself. Great Sex Is Worth It.

If you have someone in your life who is asking you to do something that your inner voice is speaking against, listen. Not to him but to that voice that only cares for you. You should trust yourself, not someone who isn’t putting you first.

Other people will perceive your worth in the same way you have established it in yourself. If you believe you are worth a lifetime of commitment and that anything that may cause physical harm to you is not something a loving partner should ask of you, then others will believe the same.

The truth is, great sex is not merely the giving of one’s body; it is an intimate relationship and the giving of one’s heart. It is about earning and offering trust. Great sex comes from knowing that the person you are sharing your bed with is the person who has committed all to you, and that they’re worthy of your heart. Then, and only then, should you give them your all. That is the basis of great sex.

The basis of great sex is not physical; it is relational. A satisfying sex life is based upon sharing your life and your heart, not just your bed.

—
For more on sex and healthy relationships, start here:

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You’ll love this episode of our podcast This Grit and Grace Life

An Intimate Look at Your Sex Life With Dr. Miller OB-GYN – 135

Childhood rebellion comes as early as the toddler tantrum and peaks at the middle school personality shift, often leading to teen rebellion. But the most pronounced may not show itself until choices are made by your college or adult children. The tantrums you can handle; the middle school hormones are expected. But it’s different when your child’s rebellion goes deeper, their defiance of all you hold dear is glaring you in the face, and you discover there is nothing you can do to drag them off the path they are traversing. The faith they embraced as a child is left behind and the pursuit of a life you know will bring them harm is the life they have chosen. Their actions are breaking the hearts of those who love them.

This world is busy making truth into lies and lies into the truth which, time and again, leaves a mother watching as her child becomes someone she wishes they weren’t.

The last thing you want to do is tell anyone about what is going on, especially in the faith community. If you do, your motherhood may be judged, and your child may be spoken of in ways you don’t want to hear. You have sleepless nights, instances of mom guilt, and often the feeling of hopelessness.

You even wonder if there are enough prayers in this world to change the life of this one who crawled into your lap to give you a toddler kiss and brought a smile to your face as they created their imaginary play world as princess or hero. Will they ever hear your heart? Will they ever again know the truth of the faith they once claimed? Will they ever have the life God desires for them, the one you prayed for? It’s the good kids, the ones that don’t take dark paths that God uses, right? At least that’s what we often believe.

It takes only a cursory view of the Bible to know that is not true. Moms, I want to tell you that again: That. Is. Not. True. Yes, there are some who walked with God throughout the majority of their lives, living honorably, but if you read Scripture honestly, that is the exception. The vast majority of those who followed God were messy, making grand mistakes, and sometimes even complete shambles of their lives.

God Doesn’t Let Go When Mistakes Are Made

But the hope we can find is that that was not the end of the story for these pillars of faith. That moment in time and the compromises they made did not exempt them from leaving those destructive paths behind. Their entire story created a place for them in the pages of God’s Word; they left a heritage that, if you saw them at their lowest point, you could not have predicted. Their sinful choices were not the end of the story. Neither are the choices our child is making the end of theirs.

I can quickly list many we know… King David, a man after God’s own heart, slept with another man’s wife then arranged to have him killed to escape the consequences of his action. Saul, whom we have come to know as Paul, raged against the followers of Christ, seeking to kill them and destroy the growing faith within the Jewish community. Rahab was a prostitute. Samson was involved with a lying, deceitful woman who ultimately led to his demise. Moses killed an Egyptian and buried him to hide the murder, revealing his often-demonstrated problem with anger.

Sarah became a bitter woman who turned against both her husband and maidservant, blaming them for the mess that she created. Judah had sex with his daughter-in-law because he thought she was a prostitute. Then, when he found out she was pregnant, sought to have her killed for infidelity. Rebekah lied to her husband, manipulating him and helping her son deceive his father.

All of these are imperfect people. If you had met them on the day they killed someone, slept with another’s wife, lied, or was involved in a destructive relationship, you might have written them off. Yet, they were individuals who had moments of faithfulness and honor before God and performed magnificent deeds. What may be even more telling is that many were included in the lineage of the Savior.

The things these individuals did are the same acts and attitudes that we find in our world today. They are often the same attitudes and actions we see in our children. Your child may be in what you know is a bad relationship or involved in destructive sexual conduct. Perhaps, in their daily pursuits, they have turned their back on God, seeking a life away from Him, pursuing the treasure this world offers instead of God or denying the faith we know is the only thing that will sustain.

Their sinful choices were not the end of the story. Neither are the choices our child is making the end of theirs.

God saw each of those He included in His Word as who they could and would be. He saw not just their rebellion; He also could look ahead at their redemption. He understood their failings and knew the day would come when they would display inspiring faithfulness. We mothers must do the same. It is our place to “believe all things, hope all things, endure all things.” Because we love these children who were entrusted into our care. What’s even more important to remember is that we don’t love them nearly as much as the God we serve loves them.

Practical Advice for Parenting a Wayward Child

It’s not an easy task to parent one of these children, but there are some practical steps to take. And parenting them is something we still need to do. This looks different than it did in the past but with the same commitment we made the first day we saw their precious little face. So, when the day comes that they turn back and return to a relationship with God, we will still have a relationship with them and can readily embrace them.

• Never ban them from your life. There is no reason ever to say, “You are no longer my son. You are no longer my daughter. What you are involved in has removed you from my life.” God never, ever said that to us, and He never will. He loved us while we were yet sinners (Romans 5:8), and there is absolutely nothing that can separate us from His love (Romans 8:38-39). His faithfulness is without boundaries; His love is never-ending. Ours should be too.
• Make them feel welcome. No matter how uncomfortable you are with their life choices, they should feel welcome in your home. This is your child; the door should never be closed, and they need to know that is true. If there’s an addiction involved, this may be different, but short of something that requires boundaries, they should know yours is their home. That’s not to say they will never feel uncomfortable. They will. The life they have chosen is one they know you don’t approve of whether it’s spoken of or not. But they need always to understand that you have a place for them at the table. Our home should reflect the abounding love of our Savior (Joel 2:13); love keeps an open door and an open heart.
• Listen and speak sparingly. Pray about when to say and what to say, realizing the answer is often to say nothing. They were raised in your home; they know your values, your principles, your faith. They do not need to hear the drumbeat of their sin continually. It will only serve to drive a wedge between you. You are the mother; you are the father; you are not the Holy Spirit. It is His to remind them (John 14:6), to woo your child back to Him. That is God’s desire even more than it is yours, so trust Him.
• Remember the good. Don’t ever lose sight of the wonderful qualities that are still a part of your child. Focus on those, encourage them, let that wayward child know you see the beauty in who they are, even as you find yourself disappointed in what they are doing. This is the magnificence of true love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
• Never quit praying. You may pray for months or even decades, but keep on because God answers prayer. Repeat that to yourself: God answers prayer! You may find yourself alone in the night, on your knees, feeling hopeless, but what you ask in secret God answers out loud (Matthew 6:6). And never forget this—as you are praying for your child, Jesus is interceding as well, going before the throne of the Father for both you and your prodigal (Romans 8:34).
• Don’t lose hope. What you see in the darkest time is only part of the story, only a chapter in your child’s life, not the entire book. It may be a useful chapter that God turns to good. His often quoted statement says there is nothing that He cannot make good, so trust that to be true (Romans 8:28). The life they are experiencing may bring wisdom. The day may come that they can help others; there is no life experience lost when God redeems (Nehemiah 1:9).

If you’re in this place, mom, understand you’re not alone. There are many of us who have walked this road, and there are many more who will. Take steps to find others who will pray with you. Seek women who will give insight because they have walked the road before you and understand a mother’s broken heart. Above all, be willing to offer love to both you and your child, not judgment. Moms are hard enough on ourselves without anyone else adding to the weight we are carrying.

The wayward one’s life is not to be mistaken by the moment in time. They should be viewed by the totality of their life. Like the heroes of the Bible as we read their entire story, your child can surprise you. The day may come when that one who is now breaking your heart will bring you such joy. Not only by turning back to the God they once followed, but becoming even more than you ever thought or prayed. A hero of faith for the days ahead, a light for their generation.

—
For more encouraging words, start here:

To the Christian Woman With a Crooked Past
Have You Ever Said It? “I’m Not Good Enough.”
When Bearing Their Burden Breaks You
Finding Your Grit Just When You Are Sure You Don’t Have Any
To the Mom Who Feels Like It Never Ends

You’ll enjoy this podcast from This Grit and Grace Life: How to Be a Grace-Filled Friend in Hard Times – 096

Above all, be willing to offer love to both you and your child, not judgment.

Recently an article in Refinery 29 entitled, “Sugar Daddy Site CEO Offers to Pay for Abortions,” caught my attention. The first question for me was what in the world is the Sugar Daddy Site? Yes, I know what a sugar daddy is, but surely, it’s more than that.

Well, it’s not. Sugar Daddy is a website that offers young women (and young men) the chance to be courted (I use that term very loosely) by a millionaire. And yes, to have all of the luxuries that come with it. In return for those luxuries, the expectation is to provide pleasure and fulfill the desires of the sugar daddy, gratifying their various requests. Whether that comes sexually or by merely being a pretty companion to make the very wealthy person look good, what is requested in return has nothing to do with the well-being of the sugar baby. Nor does it advance the worth of our gender.

The fact that this is such a successful site in the age of strong women confounds me. A woman doesn’t need a man to slather her with things; if she needs a man at all, it should be a man willing to be her life partner.

A strong woman needs a relationship, not a sugar daddy.

A woman wants someone who desires to share all of life with her—the good, bad, happy, sad, the easy times as well as the challenging times. A great relationship is with one who recognizes your strengths as you identify his, a man who believes in you and encourages you, as you do him. Not someone to spend money on you and take you to great places! Now, I’m not saying dinner out and a thoughtful gift isn’t a bonus; it most certainly is. But things don’t last; meaningful and healthy relationships do.

A great relationship is with one who recognizes your strengths as you identify his, a man who believes in you and encourages you, as you do him.

As a gender, we are better than this perception. We are stronger than it portrays. We don’t need a sugar daddy; nor do we need a man to bail us out in tough situations. The content of this article and the attitude of this very successful CEO reflects an assumption that he knows what our desire is when it comes to an unplanned pregnancy, no matter the state in which we reside. The entire premise of this man’s business and position is one of misogyny, doing nothing more than providing cover under the supposition that he is supporting women’s rights.

The two positions that men take.

I think there are two positions many men take on the subject of abortion; his reflects the first, yet both are equally wrong. The first position is that abortion is the means to their desired end—sex without responsibility. If birth control fails, abortion is an option. They often encourage this step, thus relieving them of an unwanted child for whom they have no interest in providing for or being their father. Men who hold these views reflect badly on all the good men who meet their responsibilities and encourage others to be less than they should or could be.

The second is a bit more nuanced. In today’s culture, the constant phrase “it’s a woman’s body” brings with it helplessness, forcing acceptance that a man should have no say in the decision of abortion. If they do, they are overstepping their bounds; what is understood is that the woman is the one who will carry this burden for a full nine months, so men have no right to speak. They are simply a bystander there to accommodate whatever choice is made by the woman who is bearing this child.

That is equally incorrect. At the very beginning of this pregnancy is the joining of two people, each contributing half of what becomes the embryo, carrying with it the DNA of the man as well as the woman. Each with equal rights and equal responsibility. The chromosomes that join to create this child are those of both the man and the woman. Even though he is not the one to carry to term, he has a right to an opinion in an honest discussion and a position on the next step a woman takes.

Men standing for abortion doesn’t reflect the strength inside of women.

When a man stands for abortion, he is removing any responsibility he should hold in the process. He is not considering his role nor is he thoughtfully weighing the effect on a woman’s life whether she aborts or carries to term to either raise herself or give up for adoption.

While this may not always be true, the very attitude of this CEO or others like him can reflect an underlying view that women are not strong enough or secure enough to carry a child the entire nine months and choose to raise that child with or without a partner. (To read an inspiring story of a woman who did just that, click here.)

The third option that men can partner with women to support.

There also seems to be an unspoken view that after giving birth, a woman’s only option is to keep the child. Her only choice is to surrender her future, unprepared to be a mother, and relegate herself and the one she is carrying to a life of struggle.

There is the assumption that it’s not only unusual but unlikely that there are couples who would provide a home, give their hearts and everything that is theirs to take this child as their own. What is true is there are lines of families waiting for the privilege of becoming parents, ones who perhaps their only choice is adoption.

As a gender, we are better than this perception. We are stronger than it portrays. We don’t need a sugar daddy; nor do we need a man to bail us out in tough situations.

It requires incredible strength for a woman to make that decision to take a child from her arms and place into another’s—courage many have thought they didn’t have. But I have seen some of the most courageous and strongest women make this choice. In doing so, they have created a family by their sacrifice and given a future that may have otherwise never happened.

As I down with my third cup of coffee, I want to say this to Mr. CEO of Sugar Daddy and others like him. Do not treat my gender as if we need someone to take care of us, to fix our problems, or to remove our challenges. We are stronger than that. We are better than that. If you want to get involved, then partner with us, care for the child you helped create, and share life with us. If not, feel free to move out of our way.

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So ask yourself, do you really want to be 90 years old, comfortable in your lift chair, remembering a relationship you once had? Pondering the friend you lost because of anger over something you can no longer recall? The sibling rivalry you never outgrew? Or, the parent you walked away from? Probably not. So how do you manage this repair process before the knees give out and the memory fades?

1. Remember the Good.

Quit focusing on what went wrong. Instead, focus on the good things, the good times, and the relationship that was.

2. Reach Out.

Don’t let pride tell you that they need to make the first move. It may never happen, and it’s too important not to be the one that steps up.

Now’s the time to start mending the fences that are in need of repair between us. The damaged or broken relationships we all experience.

3. Apologize.

Yep, you may not have been the initiator, or the difficult one, but you can’t say you did everything right. No one does. So tell them you’re sorry!

4. Talk.

About the problem if need be, about the good times, about the future. Beginning a new conversation is imperative to rebuilding your relationship.

5. Follow Up.

Relationship rebuilding will take time, attention, and commitment.

Reach out today. Reach out next week. Work up the courage and just reach out. Each relationship repaired will be an added treasure that’s been refined, polished, and perfected in this thing we call life.

—
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When you add the costs of a move to the stress this change already creates, even the most stable can be pushed to the point of no return. If you find yourself ready to undertake this task, it’s vital to manage it to the best of your ability, especially those dollars that you will surely need at your new location.

So here are a few tips that will minimize the financial impact on your wallet and mental strain on your brain:

1. Plan head.

Use up household cleaning items; you don’t want to pack three bottles of Windex. Eat what’s in the pantry, and buy only the food you need before you move. Whether it requires too much room in the truck you are driving, forces you to rent a bigger vehicle, or increases the weight calculations that determine what the professionals will charge, these items are not worthy of transportation. There are plenty of grocery stores where you are going.

2. Sort through rooms, one at a time.

Again, everything that you pack costs money to move, so sell it (turning unwanted stuff into cash) or donate it before packing begins. Take measurements of big items to make sure they will work in the new home; some things may need to land on Craigslist. The lighter the load, the less to box up and unpack at the other end…win, win, win.

3. Compare costs.

While it may seem like the DIY method is cheaper, take time to compare (especially in long-distance moves)! If your move is flexible between October and April, these are lighter moving times and costs may be reduced accordingly. A truck rental plus gas combined with hiring labor in a new city could be as expensive as professionals. Don’t assume—instead, get all the info.

The physical and emotional task of moving from one home to another is daunting for even the very hardy among us.

4. Don’t buy boxes.

Ask friends, family, and co-workers for boxes. Use social media; you may find someone who recently moved. Check out Craigslist for free stuff and of course, local stores. They often break down their boxes, but if you ask ahead, you can find out when that occurs and get them before they do. Make sure you ask for the great boxes, like those that are strong enough for bottles or bananas. They work well for the heavy stuff or items that need protection.

5. Use what you have to pack.

Towels, sheets, and even clothes can make great wrapping material for the breakables. No one has newspapers anymore and who wants to rip through two entire rolls of bubble wrap anyway?

6. Maximize your turn-off and turn-on utility dates.

It may only be a day or two but each day has a cost. You don’t want to pay the heating or cooling bill if you’re not there to be heated or cooled! You’re probably going to be heating and cooling the outdoors anyway when you load the truck, so control it where you can.

7. Track your cost for taxes.

If you’re moving for work, keep track of all your expenses and check the IRS rules to determine what deductions are accepted and write them off. The potential saving on taxes can help offset some of the costs of relocating. No one wants to pay more taxes than they have to, so it’s a win all the way around!

If a move is in your future (it usually is), take heart. You can keep your cash, keep your sanity, and make a move as budget-friendly as possible. Having driven or followed trucks through several states on several occasions, I can tell you from firsthand experience; you will be glad you did.

—
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The glass ceiling they were speaking of is the battle waged in the ’60s and ’70s to create opportunity for females in the workplace. Opportunity for advancement, for holding the leadership positions rather than the clerical. To become the company president, not the company secretary. To choose paths without limitation. Indeed, it was a noble goal by many of that generation.

From cultural misconception…

I find it fascinating that this tends to be television’s only portrayal of females from the baby-boomer generation. Without a doubt, opportunity was created in the workplace for our gender, but some ladies seem to be stuck there, believing it’s the only choice of value. This is not true of the entire generation, but it is an accurate portrait of the most outspoken.

The same little girls of that generation grew up with fairy tale stories: Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Cinderella. These stories portrayed the finding of the glass slipper, prompting the quest of a prince to find the love of his life, marriage, a grand ball, and happily ever after. Unfortunately this dream evolved into many grown-up girls proclaiming, “It’s not real life.” They are correct; in some ways, it’s not, but in other ways, it can be.

There is no happily ever after every moment of every day, but there is a “you can have a great life filled with an abundance of happiness in all areas” out there.

…to finding your purpose.

If the glass ceiling generation of females meant what they said, that everything should be available and on the table for females, then you should be able to follow your own course based on your purpose—and that may include leaving a promising career for a family position. It could also be a combination of working in the job market and caring for your family simultaneously. Your individual path might leave you without a prince, but with an amazing career or life purpose that, by the very nature of who you are, is accomplished brilliantly.

There is no happily ever after every moment of every day, but there is a “you can have a great life filled with an abundance of happiness in all areas” out there.

I want all ladies to know this: the battle that was fought was meant to provide women with more opportunities—and that should mean freedom to choose your life course without restriction. Absolutely, positively choosing without one bit of constraint or judgment. You are here for a purpose, and you are meant to fulfill it. Each and every path open to a female has value and worth. You, my dear, were created to impact the world you are to be a part of. No matter what you choose—your workplace, your home front, your family, your community—each decision is to be purposed and lauded.

So girls, here you go, you break that glass ceiling, you grab that glass slipper, and you determine your life course. Don’t listen to the outspoken females that believe value is only found in careers. Disregard the home front army that believes anything other than that arena is without worth. Step back, find your purpose, then create your life. That’s what they said they fought for, that’s what should be.

—

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Each and every path open to a female has value and worth. No matter what you choose—your workplace, home front, family, community—each decision is to be purposed and lauded.

I know that parenting is a challenge. We want our children to succeed in life, to be afforded life’s opportunities, and to grow up to be productive individuals. There is nothing wrong with this desire. There also is nothing wrong with looking for good fits for the temperament and talents of our little one. The creative you may enroll in art class, the athletic—sports camp, the academic may go to space camp or join math clubs; these are all good things to do when a parent is trying to help their child discover who they are and what they are capable of achieving.

We want our children to succeed in life, to be afforded life’s opportunities, and to grow up to be productive individuals. There is nothing wrong with this desire.

Where it goes off the rails is when we do it for them, manipulate their circumstances, or create opportunities they haven’t earned. The news has recently brought forth stories of wealthy parents who are willing to go to extremes—half a million dollars paid to falsify information so that their kids get into the right university. Seems absurd, doesn’t it? But, this striking revelation has unveiled the reality that today’s parent may be willing to deceive or manipulate as a means of creating a break for a child who hasn’t earned it.

Since it seems that everything in our culture needs to have a name attached to it, parenting styles apparently have labels as well. The names in themselves are rather revealing. It’s worth taking a look at the current trends to see where we’ve come as a culture, but I want to also consider a few original alternatives that may help our kids genuinely succeed.

Cultural Parenting Styles (We Don’t Necessarily Agree With!)

The Helicopter Parent

A helicopter parent is defined in this way—a parent who takes an overprotective or excessive interest in the life of their child or children. This is the original handle given to parents when it became apparent that they were just too involved. They step into education, often contacting teachers or even professors about grades. They interject themselves in their child’s experiences or problems. Aptly named because they are always “hovering.” I would imagine that the first thing these kids do when they become teens is disable the life GPS their parents have on them so that their every move is no longer tracked.

The Lawnmower Parent

The next step in the progression of over-parenting is that of the lawnmower parent. These moms and dads go to whatever lengths necessary to prevent their children from having to face adversity, struggle, or failure. When obstacles appear, they are busy mowing them down, so their children never have to deal with them. This intervention is a truly bad idea. Children will face obstacles in life, so learning how to deal with them on their own is critical for life’s success.

The Snowplow Parent

The most recent trend that the news media has brought to our attention has just received its title, the Snowplow Parent. Apparently, mowing things over is not enough. We have to bring in the diesel-driven big machine that will move mountains of snow. These parents don’t even let the obstacles within striking distance. They plow obstacles aside before ever entering the life of their child. Not only does this style limit a child’s ability to fight for themselves, but it also teaches them that lying and deception are perfectly acceptable ways to achieve life goals.

I think where all of these techniques fail is that in doing them, we are telling our children they are incapable of achievement on their own. Our actions say we don’t believe they are strong enough, bright enough, or talented enough to accomplish what they set out to do. We are telling them that without our help, it’s an impossible task for them.

That’s the exact opposite of what we want our children to learn. We want them to be confident in themselves; we want them to be capable of tackling life’s challenges because a challenge is what life is. The day will come when you won’t be there to fix it for them. Believing they can handle problems because they already have is what they will need to succeed. If your parenting style allows you to stand at the sidelines applauding what they do, they will believe it even more.

We want our children to be confident in themselves; we want them to be capable of tackling life’s challenges because a challenge is what life is.

What Should You Do Instead? Alternative Parenting Styles to Consider

Instead of adopting the parenting styles that are ever present in the discussion, I have discovered a few alternatives I think are worthy of adding to our parenting. Ones from other parents whose styles I believe pave the road to success.

Transparent Parent

The transparent parent allows their child to make his or her own decisions. This mom or dad teaches their children decision-making tools and is always available to offer time-tested insights and wisdom when asked. They are transparent in their conversations and open in their approach.

The Tow Truck Parent

Like all tow trucks, this parent is there for the emergencies. It is your job to pick up the phone, pull the truck out of the garage, and head out to get them off the side of the street. You are there to help when they hit life’s bumpy patches. Your job is to take them to a place where repairs can be made and then let them get back on the road.

The Cowboy Parent

Just like the resilient horse riders of old, the cowboy parent teaches their kids when life throws them off, they get back in the saddle and try again. The goal is this: they will never give up, and because they don’t, they will learn to ride. You might have to briefly become the tow truck parent if they break an arm, but they might just become rodeo champions.

The Snow Shovel Parent

Unlike the snowplow parent, this parent is willing to shovel the driveway until their child gets taller than the snow shovel. When that day comes, they pass the wand (or shovel), privileging their children with the task of shoveling the driveway. Allowing said parent to go back inside. Taking off their winter clothes, they sit by the fire drinking a cup of coffee while the work is being done by the little one, all the while teaching endurance.

As parents, we do want to help on a smaller scale. We can enroll them in activities, help them with their homework, and cheer them on when they compete. What we shouldn’t do is: do it for them. The science project needs to be their creation, they should earn the grades they receive, and the consequences of their actions should be theirs to feel.

Instead of intervening, the most effective way we can prepare our kids for opportunity is this: allow them to succeed or fail on their own. Let them learn that what they put in is what they will get out. Help them believe in themselves because you believe in them enough to not do it for them. Our children need to know that they have within them all it takes to succeed. They do need us, but as their cheerleader, encourager, and helper, not their life guarantor!

Help your children believe in themselves… Our children need to know that they have within them all it takes to succeed.

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Want to read more parenting advice from our Co-Founder, Darlene Brock? Check out her book, Raising Great Girls: Help for moms to raise confident, capable daughters (perfection not required)! Click here, to download a free sample chapter of Raising Great Girls.

If you’re curious as to how her daughters feel about the book, they “told all” in episode 054 of This Grit and Grace Life podcast. Julie interviewed Loren and Chelsea, Darlene’s daughters as they took a look back at her busy years of raising them while building businesses with her husband (their dad). Click here to listen: How Can You Raise Great Girls? Darlene’s Daughters Tell All – 054

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Here’s what they are:

1. I stop and I shut down. Whether it’s a very long walk in the woods, a movie marathon day, or a weekend trip, I leave it all behind.

2. I re-establish my goals. What did I set out to do and what does it look like? Remember these will evolve; it never hurts to re-evaluate while your re-establishing.

3. I create two lists. One that is what I have to do; the other is what I want to do.

Has your life gone off the rails? Here are some simple steps to get back on track.

4. I choose something off of both of those lists that I will accomplish on a weekly basis. You must do both if mental health is to be achieved and goals are to be met.

5. Then I tackle life in chewable bites. I’m not going to get the first five items on both lists done in the first two days. I take smaller, achievable bites out of those lists, being content with the small accomplishments as much as the big ones. This helps me not get discouraged along the way.

6. I give myself a pass. There will be times that life just throws all plans, goals, and schedules out the window. It takes both grit and grace, but I’ve learned to be OK with that.

7. Finally, I accept the fact that even with all this preparation, action, and intention, I will shut down again somewhere in the future, and that’s not a bad thing.

Instead, it’s an opportunity to have a greatly needed reset. We all need those.

—
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What was once considered masculinity in the past is now in the cross-hairs of our culture.

Clear definitions have given way to confusion. Taking part in that discussion are the leaders of psychological thought. A recent journal from the American Psychological Association (APA) provided guidelines to help psychologists work with boys and men. Within these guidelines, there are statements made that reflect their position on the subject of masculinity.

It is within this publication that they address the traditional view of masculinity by stating that “stoicism, competitiveness, dominance, and aggression—is, on the whole, harmful,” for boys and men.

While I can agree that each of these can be harmful, it’s “on the whole” that I take issue with.

Stoicism is a quality we would want in a man. Patience, endurance, and fortitude are all synonyms of this trait and are characteristics that lead to a healthy and lasting relationship. It is when this attribute creates the inability to show feeling or hurt that stoicism becomes harmful. But a stoic man is one you can count on, so what’s wrong with that?

Competitiveness, the strong desire to succeed, is a necessary trait that can lead to accomplishment. It is when one is only interested in winning, unable to handle loss graciously, or the desire for success overtakes compassion and humility does it become harmful. There is still nothing like “healthy competition” to bring out the best in all of us.

Dominance—I find this an interesting word choice here. I completely agree with the APA that dominance is “on the whole, harmful.” But I view this traditional masculine quality as one that is not dominance, but leadership. A quality that can emerge in both genders but can absolutely apply to masculinity. To respect leadership in a man does not cause us to deny that same ability in ourselves. Instead, it ups the game for both genders. There is nothing as disheartening as a man who can’t decide, whether it’s where he wants to go for dinner or what career choice he desires to pursue. If he can’t lead his own life, how can he lead or partner with you in business or in life?

Aggression, as hostile or violent behavior, is entirely unacceptable. But when aggression is the willingness to attack or confront, it can be a positive attribute and a useful tool. In sports, a basketball player can attack the basket for the win. In law enforcement, attacking a perpetrator who is seeking to harm another is the act of a hero. Confronting injustice to defend those who are defenseless is often displayed by an aggressive disposition. Again, it’s the “on the whole” that I find so unsettling.

We don’t fear the traits that are traditionally masculine. Instead, when they are displayed appropriately, we respect them.

When we reduce subjects into simple thought brush-strokes that use terms such as “on the whole” without looking deeper, it becomes a dangerous and slippery road. The most recent display of this is a corporation that has been making razors for men since 1901, Gilette, joining the chorus. The internet ad that was created insinuates that instead of the few whose conduct is unhealthy and inappropriate it is the entire gender whose masculinity is considered toxic. By taking this stand we are asking men to entirely deny their nature instead of expecting them to perfect it.  Whether in business, friendship, or romantic relationships, strong women desire to have strong men in their lives. We don’t fear the traits that are traditionally masculine. Instead, when they are displayed appropriately, we respect them.

McDermott, one of the journal’s authors said this. “If we can change men,” he says, “we can change the world.” My question is this: If we change it in the way this journal suggests, what would that world look like?

Image by Hernan Sanchez.

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Whether in business, friendship, or romantic relationships, strong women desire to have strong men in their lives.

To understand what the Salvation Army did, we went to their facility in Nashville, Tennessee where our first stop was a room filled with children. Theirs was the only daycare in the city specifically for families who found themselves homeless. Watching the kids play as all kids do, I wondered if it wasn’t for this place, where would they be? How would their parents find a way to move forward, get a job, and find a home if there was no one to care for these children?

We continued to walk the halls of the buildings, viewing their facility and hearing the stories the workers told. As we entered the housing area, I gazed down the hall to see this quite beautiful, tall, regal-looking black woman. Probably in her early 50s, she stood peaceful and proud, wearing a modest dress with simple black pumps. I thought she must have been a worker caring for the needs of others.

As we approached her, following a quick introduction, I soon realized I was mistaken; she wasn’t a worker but a resident. That day one of my goals was to understand, to gain insight into why. She seemed so different than what I expected. So, I asked, “Will you tell me your story?” She graciously said yes. We moved into a community room where we sat down, and I was given the privilege to hear the journey this lovely woman had taken.

“Heart to God, hand to man” is not just a slogan for the Salvation Army. It’s an answer to the plight of humankind.

Less than ten years before our meeting, she was a professor of English at Vanderbilt University, a prestigious position at a prestigious school. She was married and lived in a lovely home with her husband near the campus. It was in the course of this comfortable, predictable life preparing her coursework, going home each day to tend the needs of herself and her husband, when she received a diagnosis, a result of a regular physical exam. She had cancer. It was aggressive and came with excruciating pain. This diagnosis led to multiple surgeries and chemo, with painkillers to manage her life, the only things that enabled her to continue to teach.

After a few years of waging this battle, she received wonderful news: she was cancer-free, entirely in remission. Although she was free of the disease, she found herself shackled to something else: she had become addicted to pain medication. In the course of the next few years, she lost her job. With her husband at her side, she made repeated efforts to get clean, but failure after failure kept her trapped in the cycle, and her husband became hopeless that she could change. No longer believing there was hope, he left her. They sold their home, splitting their assets. She then moved into an apartment by herself.

As the addiction continued, she was no longer able to get prescription drugs. It was then that she resorted to street drugs. This craving depleted all of her assets, and with the money gone, she was no longer able to pay her rent. She was evicted from her apartment and homeless on the street, living out of her car with a few possessions, blankets to stay warm at night, a few items of clothing, and the craving that would not leave.

It was there that a Salvation Army worker found her and invited her to their facility for a meal. This everyday trek, entering their facility to receive the once-a-day meal was enough to sustain her as she continued battling the demons of her addiction.

It was also there that she found more than food; she found hope. Assisted by the very organization that offered this “hand to man,” they arranged placement for her at a rehabilitation facility where she went through the agony of withdrawal toward the healing and wholeness that lay ahead.

She told me it was the most difficult thing she had done in life, but because there were those who cared for and believed in her, she thought she could do it. Those who fed her found a place that would care for her, those who wrapped arms around her as her body heaved ridding itself of the poison that had trapped her. They swaddled her in blankets as she shivered uncontrollably, tenderly wiping her forehead and comforting her with their words.

Her eyes glistened with tears as she shared the compassion given to her, the simple sacrificial acts of others that led her to a new life. The tears dried up as she sat a little straighter, a smile on her face, telling me that she now was back at Vanderbilt University. Not as an English professor, but as part of the housekeeping crew that cleaned the facilities. And she was proud that she held that job.

The reason for her lovely dress and simple pumps that day was that very morning she had interviewed with Human Resources at the University and was being considered for a part-time assistant role to a professor. She had been clean long enough that it appeared they might be willing to take a chance on her. But she stated to me, “It doesn’t matter whether I get that job or not. I am whole. I am free.”

Hers seemed a unique story to me, but as I asked the workers about others, they told me the homeless they served came from every economic platform and every race, with stories as diverse as the people who told them. I realized that day that when we avert our eyes from the dirty clothes, the filled carts, the cardboard signs, ignoring the need of these individuals, we fail to see the man wearing those clothes. We fail to comprehend who the woman is clawing through trash trying to care for her children any way she can. We do not see them as they once were or as they could be again.

When we avert our eyes from the dirty clothes, filled carts, and cardboard signs we fail to see people as they once were or as they could be again.

The cost of housing, especially in the west coast region, has created an increase in the number of homeless. Touting that the overall rate of homelessness has decreased in the last ten years, in the United States, there are still over 500,000 individuals living on the street, more than the entire population of the city of Atlanta.

We often look to the government to provide the solution. As they keep spending money in an attempt to help, there is very little change. A steady increase in homeless spending for the city of Los Angeles year over year touts an allocation in the most recent annual budget of $430,000,000. Between 2012 and 2018 this population increased from 36,000 to 53,000 individuals. It is not that money is not needed, it is personal human compassion that is.

It is people caring for people. It is finding organizations who do this noble work: volunteering, supporting, opening their eyes to the need, and international organizations like the Salvation Army or local ones like Home Street Home in Nashville, Tennessee. This local entity was founded by a formerly homeless man and two strangers who befriended him while he was still on the streets. They are dedicated to “Changing the face of homelessness one person at a time. Our job is not to judge. Our job is not to figure out if someone deserves something. Our job is to lift the fallen, restore the broken, and heal the hurting. It’s a job we love doing.”

If I’m honest, it’s not a job I would love doing. Although I was honored to meet this gracious, inspiring lady, I’m not drawn to the streets to care for this population. I would not know how to love and serve them. But what my encounter that day told me is that there is a story behind each life that has been shattered, a tale that others whose hearts beat for these overlooked individuals do understand. They will serve the homeless, and in any way I can, I will serve them, too.

May we remember this slogan that has carried the passion of an organization for more than 100 years. May we become the people who reach out to this hurting community, and to those who care for them. May we live every day with a “Heart to God and a hand to man.”

Sources:
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/homelessness-ticks-second-year-row-federal-report-finds-n949086

https://www.nbcnews.com/video/homelessness-the-humanitarian-crisis-on-the-streets-of-los-angeles-1394976323716

—
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1. Don’t hang on to past emotions.

Whether you are widowed or divorced, there are emotions you are left with that must be dealt with. A new marriage will have its own set of relationship challenges to work out, so the addition of old problems with the new ones will only make things more difficult.

2. Be honest with yourself.

Whether widowed or divorced, you must be willing to look at your past relationship and assess your role. We all can improve in our relationship-building traits; this is a good time for self-examination.

3. Don’t expect a clone.

A new relationship is—by its very definition—new. The person you are no longer with is not the person with whom you are entering a new marriage. Don’t expect the same traits, personality, or nature. You have to see them as they are, not as a reflection of what was.

Hope should remain that a healthy second marriage can be found.

4. Choose well.

You are older, smarter, and more intuitive than you may have been before. Don’t let your emotions determine your relationship selection; let your brain take the lead.

5. Enter with hope.

There is such a thing as a new beginning. Even though experience has taught you life lessons that may have been difficult, use the wisdom you’ve gained and trust that you are much more prepared now than you’ve ever been before.

So, I contend with Samuel and believe that experience can lead to hope. Taking time to process the lessons learned from the past can always create a better future, even when it comes to marriage.

—
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Having owned several businesses, I can say there absolutely is a level of independence and control to be found in being your own boss. But if you think “the buck stops here” is merely a phrase of importance, you miss the reality that it is also one of responsibility. There is so much more to being a business owner than making your own rules. And to land a business? It doesn’t happen. Companies have to be built.

Know Your Market

Let’s start by assuming you have an idea, a product that you are sure is the next great “fill in the blank.” You might! But how do you know? Have you researched the market? Have you identified the buyer? Are they your 12 best friends who think just like you or is there a real consumer base for what you want to launch? Before creating an apt name for your entity and filling out documents to incorporate, make sure your product or service has a customer.

Next is how to reach your potential customer? Research, research, research! With the ever-changing landscape of social media, marketing outlets, and databases you have to be continually learning. What worked yesterday may not work today. You have to know where your customer hangs out, what they read, what they watch—inserting yourself where they are.

Return On Investment

There is this little acronym ROI that all successful businesses employ. It means Return On Investment. Simply stated: how much do you have to spend and how much can you make? It’s often the great unknown when launching a new business. But it can’t be ignored. It doesn’t matter how fantastic your idea is; if it costs more to produce (which includes actual product cost, advertising, and business overhead) than it will sell for, it’s not a good idea! Start-up costs will always exceed revenue at the beginning, but it’s the long-term return that will determine a business’s success.

There is so much more to being a business owner than making your own rules. “To land a business”? It doesn’t happen. Companies have to be built.

Ready to Commit?

Another thing before launching that cannot be ignored is this: you need to have both money and energy to draw upon when beginning something new. Starting a business requires both, with eyes wide open that there is the potential that both could be lost if the venture doesn’t succeed. You would not be wise to use your rent money as the seed fund or quit your job prematurely. It takes money not already committed to something else and time away from other things you may want to do to build a new business. Not for just a day, week, or month, the average length of time required to launch a new company is three years. So, if you have a dream, realize you have to be in it for the long haul.

It Takes Grit

Finally, before you even consider “landing a business,” understand it’s not just about catching a great idea and pitching it forward; it’s a lot of hard work. When everyone else goes home, you don’t. Even as you close the doors to the office, it’s always on your mind. If you have a team that you employ, they are your responsibility. The decisions you make will affect their lives. The best business owner is one who leads by serving. The culture created within your company is created by you.

It’s because of the dreamers and creators who were willing to venture out and take a risk that we have at our disposal so many things we take for granted. From tweezers to telephones, everything we use came from someone who was one day inspired. An individual who was driven to launch a venture yet undiscovered.

Are you one of those who has that dream, or new idea? I want to encourage you to go for it. Perfect that idea, do the research, understand your market, then do the hard work. Not just landing a new business but building it, one challenging brick at a time.

—
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For more career advice from Darlene, don’t miss this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: 5 Things a Woman Must Do for Success in Life – 040!

In the wake of a recent study by Common Sense Media, it’s become the norm that teens prefer to text their friends rather than talk in person.

With that in mind, I wanted to share some important data I also discovered, an analysis of teen texting codes performed by Brian Bason, CEO of Bark. The organization he heads is a safety app that parents and teens can download that monitors sites and services teens use. The purpose of the app is to look for red flag words and the context they’re using them in.

After analyzing some 10-million teen messages per month across 21 different platforms including text, email, Instagram, Snapchat, and YouTube, he came up with what I think are some terrifying results.

For the benefit of all concerned adults, they compiled a list of the top “sneaky” terms that teens use:

• 53X = sneaky way to type “sex”
• KMS = kill myself
• LH6 = let’s have sex
• KYS =  kill yourself
• MOS = mom over shoulder
• POS = parent over shoulder
• CD9 = code 9, parents around
• GNOC = get naked on camera
• 99 = parents are gone
• WTTP = want to trade photos?
• LMIRL = let’s meet in real life
• 1174 = meet at a party spot
• IWSN = I want sex now
• CU46 =  see you for sex
• FWB = friends with benefits
• ADR = what’s your address
• MPFB = my personal f*** buddy
• PAL = parents are listening
• TWD = texting while driving
• GYPO = get your pants off

That’s the current list, but I’m sure there will be more in the near future. Keeping up with texting lingo can be a chore, but there are resources available to you, so use them.

As one who cares about what teens are saying to one another, we need to be aware. The teen in your life may not be the one texting these codes, but they may very well be subject to receiving them. Whether or not you think the teen you care about would ever become involved in this type of conversation, be armed and ready. You never know when he or she is going to need you to know the “sneaky text” lingo, even if they act like they don’t want you to know.

As one who cares about what teens are saying to one another, we need to be aware.

—

Check out this related episode about teen texting Sneaky Teen Texting Trends You Need to Know About – 006

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These lying, “not enough” phrases are nothing more than barriers that keep you from being all you were created to be. So, what do you do?

Here are 6 steps to gaining a new perspective:

1. End the comparing! You were not created to be someone else; you are on this planet to accomplish something only you can do.

2. Stop striving. Perfection isn’t achievable nor is brilliance necessary. Many “C” students rule the world.

3. Admit. Accept that you are not great at everything. So math or science may not be your thing—maybe art or music is! You are exceptionally great at something; find out what that is.

4. Discover your talent. Talents are like treasures. They have to be mined, cleaned off, and polished up. It takes a bit of work.

5. Find your people. Surround yourself with those who recognize and encourage “the enough” that is in you. Make sure you recognize and encourage theirs too.

6. Begin well. Start each morning with the belief that what you do that day will make a difference. Then end each day remembering and being thankful that it did.

Live this life knowing that you have been beautifully created and masterfully put together to fit a perfect place in this world. Live with the determination that you will discover exactly where that place is.

So, the next time you say, “I’m not enough,” stop and instead tell yourself you are absolutely enough! You are exactly who you need to be.

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Here are 6 steps to stop believing the lie that you are not enough.

Get your copy of Raising Great Girls by Darlene Brock now!

A Few Words From Darlene:

Hindsight: the ability to understand a situation only after it has happened.

While this is true of all things, I have found it especially true when looking back at the season that I raised two daughters while working, traveling, and juggling life. That task was both the most incredible and challenging job of the many I held. The idea to write this book came from me reflecting on the years of my girls growing up and listening to other moms experience the same fears and frustrations today that I did back then.

A new purpose was formed in my heart to offer moms some insight on how to master all of the jobs that are a part of raising girls in this crazy world. If you follow The Grit and Grace Project, you know that we believe a woman’s beauty is found in her strength. I also know that strength begins at a very early age. As mothers, we have the opportunity to instill in our daughters the knowledge that this quality is within them. It’s my goal to help mothers know how to do that in this book, Raising Great Girls.

I have not written the guide to raise a perfect daughter. Neither am I offering a no-fail blueprint to becoming a perfect mom. Perfect mothers and daughters don’t exist, and that’s ok because the goal is to raise some pretty great ones. If you want to be one of those moms, I think this book is for you.

With the release of this new book, I want to share my excitement. I hope I encourage you. When you invest in your daughter and she becomes a confident and capable girl, even when she steps into worlds she shouldn’t, she will find her way back. She will have what she needs within her to take the strength you’ve nurtured and master this thing called life.

Darlene

Click below to meet Darlene’s Daughters in Episode 054 of This Grit and Grace Life podcast.

Here are 5 lessons every working woman needs to learn:

1. The Side-Hug

The key to successfully maneuvering the side hug (when you see the inappropriate full-frontal hugger heading your way) is to wait until he gets about five feet in front of you, then quickly pivot 90 degrees to your right. He will run into your shoulder or elbow, the most uncomfortable parts of a woman’s body.

2. Dodging the Gossip

You simply must acquire the ability to quickly run into the bathroom stall when the office gossip makes a beeline for you. If you look up from your desk to find that you’ve been targeted, quickly grab your purse and whisper to the lady on a mission, “That time of month you know…” and hang out in the bathroom until it’s all clear.

3. Lunch Without Drama

Always have a lunch packed (or at least something that looks like a lunch) when the difficult co-workers invite you to their daily lunch-whining session. Just say, “Sorry, you know how it is when you’re on a budget,” then head out to a restaurant you know they all hate.

4. The Quick Recovery

When you get blindsided, remember to smile quickly. You know, when you’ve earned a promotion but your boss’s golf buddy gets it instead… Just smile and offer congratulations, knowing that you already bookmarked the online job listings just in case.

5. Chart Your Course

The most important thing to remember in the workplace is to not let any of the silliness make you bitter or derail you from your career goal. Whatever you started, finish. Wherever you plan to go, keep on going. We women just don’t give up!

Remember what the inspiring, 20th-century American folk artist, Grandma Moses, once said, “Life is what you make of it, always has been always will be.” This applies to office life too.

The most important thing in the workplace is to not let anything make you bitter or derail you from your career goal.

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Don’t miss our recent podcast episode, 5 Things a Woman Must Do for Success in Life – 040!

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#gritandgracelife

As I have watched this season, I have realized that there are real-life lessons to be learned from both the drama as well as the emotions unpacked each week. Even though I am quite sure the producers manipulate some of the angst and intentionally pit the contestants against one another, I do believe there are things to be gleaned from the human drama we tune in for each week. So, before the last week and pinning of the final rose, I want to share what this program has reminded me.

1. Make sure ulterior agendas do not drive the man you are allowing into your life.

Take Jordan; you don’t have to be astute in human nature to realize that man was there for camera time. The only relationship he wanted to build was with the audience and securing the future of his modeling career. Any man you may be considering can’t be looking for a maid, a pretty plus one, or an assistant to pay his bills. Before getting too thick into any relationship, you need to know he is seeking to share his life with someone.

2. It’s vital to experience life together.

Now granted the days they experience are a bit unrealistic. Who wouldn’t fall in love with any one of their destinations, staying at great hotels, eating first class food? But time in the real-world means knowing the one you are falling in love with is willing to clean the bathroom and bring you ginger ale when you have the stomach flu. They show up when they say, and don’t explode when the car breaks down. The only way to know what they say they will do is by what they do, and observing it over time.

3. You’re looking for a man of principal.

Take Colton, yes, the man who is a virgin. I don’t even feel the need to discuss the virginity issue further because they certainly did enough of that on the show. But what should be gained from those conversations is that a man of principal is a rare and valuable creature. Whether you fully understand the reason for any firm conviction held, I would say that you would be wise to value and respect him for having it. If a man is secure in his principals, he will be steadfast in his commitment.

Even though I am quite sure the producers manipulate some of the angst and intentionally pit the contestants against one another, I do believe there are things to be gleaned from the human drama on the Bachelorette we tune in for each week.

4. Knowing, not just meeting, family and friends is essential, thus the hometown week.

You will discover so much about a man you are interested in when you spend time with his family and friends. Knowing where he came from, how he grew up, and the family dynamics that are purely his will tell you so much about him. If there were family challenges, has he surmounted them? If there are strong ties, are they strong enough to undergird, but loose enough to encourage a new family with you? The friends he surrounds himself with tell you so much about his nature. Are they sarcastic? Partiers? Is the boys club his priority? You will learn much about a man by his friends.

5. Time together creates ties.

If nothing completely derails the relationship, then you are building a connection. The time you spend together creates expectations and patterns in your life, often to the exclusion of others. There are also emotional ties. Watching the previews of the final episode, you realize someone is going to be hurt. And not just one of the men; she will feel it as well. If you’re going to spend time investing in a relationship, your heart will be exposed and your reliance on another will become strong. Not all love interests work out and when they don’t, hearts will be broken. I do not mean that we avoid all potential suitors; I’m merely saying that before you take the time to create those emotional ties makes sure they are worthy of it.

As we sit in front of the TVwatching the final rose presentation, let’s remember what it takes to build a relationship in real life. Not the plane hopping, country visiting, multiple suitors following your every move version. One that holds each other’s heart in their hand, facing the daily struggles united in purpose, committed to be the best, and bring the best into a relationship that will live way past this season finale.

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It’s not even that they had too much stuff; they just had a house of life. When that’s the case, you end up packing more boxes than you want to load on a truck. Just when you get one box filled, you realize there is another pile you haven’t even touched yet. This exercise leaves one with the desire to never have to do it again.

These moves did make me ponder… As we relocate from one home to another, it’s not the items we pack and bring with us in boxes that make a difference in our lives. It’s what attitudes and emotional baggage we take along that makes all the difference.

Moving to a new home, another city, or a new job presents us with new opportunities. To varying degrees, you get the chance for a fresh start. You can make the best of that if you leave behind some of the emotional baggage we all tend to carry.

Leave insecurity behind.

You may struggle with uncertainty, about yourself and others around you. Little secret—almost everybody does! You aren’t the only one looking for new relationships and new friends. So be the one that reaches out. Introduce yourself; don’t wait for someone else to go first; ask them about their lives. You will be surprised by how much folks like to talk about themselves, and in the process, you just might discover a new friend.

Don’t pack the hurt.

Not saying that whatever you are leaving didn’t create pain, it often does. I’m not telling you the hurt will be instantly fixed; it probably won’t. But what I am saying is it’s not a discourse for every new friend, co-worker, or neighbor you encounter.

Quick judgment should be a thing of the past.

Don’t assume you understand what another person thinks or feels until you take the time to get to know them. Barriers are most quickly built by assumptions.

Shake off fear.

As you exit the door of one home, take a moment to shake it off. Whether it’s a personal lecture, a declaration, or a literal shaking off act of defiance (which the movers will wonder about) leave this one behind. This is a new life start; don’t let fear keep you from making the most of it!

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Don’t miss our recent podcast episode, Miss Independent: Can You Be Healthy, Strong and Dependent? – 047!

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#gritandgracelife

Let’s talk about keeping a great friendship alive. It doesn’t take a lot, even though sometimes it may seem like it does.

Here are 5 things to remember for every friendship you want to hold onto:

1. You’re not a perfect friend.
When you feel like you’ve been let down or disappointed by someone who you thought would never fail you, remember that friendship is a relationship between two imperfect people—and you are one of them. You will need grace on occasion, as will they, so give it.

2. Opposing views are a wonderful thing.
So one of you is a Republican and the other a Democrat. One argues the benefits of building a career, the other holds to making a life on the homefront. The wonderful thing about friendship is the diversity it can bring. There are very few ideals that are wholly perfect. The opportunity to view life from a different perspective is a gift, not the basis for an argument.

3. Embrace one another’s strengths.
Your friend has talents and abilities you don’t—appreciate them! You can wield a drill and she can cook a mean apple pie. Friendship is not a competition but a blending of gifts and talents as we walk with one another through life.

Here are 5 things to remember for every friendship you want to hold onto. Keep it simple and take it easy on them.

4. Remember the good times.
When you’re irritated at her or she’s irritated at you, remember the reason you were friends to begin with. It reminds you that it’s worth the effort.

5. Laugh together.
Put aside the tension and go do something fun. Share a crazy outdoor adventure, hit the movie theater to partake in a must-see romantic comedy, or play a rousing game of whatever floats your boat. A step off reality to just enjoy life will reignite any friendship.

Friendship matters and is worth the effort. It really does require a bit of grit to keep it going and a whole bunch of grace. At the end of it all, just take it easy on your friends because you can be sure the day will come when you’ll need them to do the same for you!

Be sure to check out Take it Easy—On Yourself and Take it Easy—On Your Man!

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Don’t miss our recent podcast episode, Great Friends: 9 Qualities to Be One and Find One – 031!

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#gritandgracelife

But whatever the cause—they will come. If you are at one of those impasses, those crossroads of life, here are a few things you will want to do:

1. Remember it’s temporary. There are exceptions, but there is very little in life that you are facing, have faced, or will face that is permanent.
2. Review the past. It doesn’t take much life experience to discover you can and have gotten through difficult seasons. If you’ve survived middle school, that should prove you can survive anything!
3. Assess your strengths. What you need to go from where you are to where you will be is within you. Remind yourself of what you already know.
4. Find others. One of the best resources for whatever challenge you are facing is those who have already traversed the road you are traveling now.
5. Draw upon your faith. To know there is someone greater than you who knows everything you have or ever will walk through brings it all into perspective.

Whether you are currently in a season of change, have already gone through one, or realize there is one on the horizon, remember these tips. They will serve you well.

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Listen to our recent podcast episode, 5 Things a Woman Must Do for Success in Life – 040, for more encouragement on your bittersweet journey!

Looking for inspiration? Check out When Life Gives You a New Normal, True Beauty is Found in a Woman’s Strength, How Do I Know What Defines Me?, Every Woman is Unique, but This Is What We All Struggle With, 10 Ways to Boost Your Confidence, or My Really Different Kind of Family.

Whether it’s because of a decision we’ve made, the choices of others, or simply due to life circumstances, we will all face seasons of change.

What are we trying to accomplish by diminishing another’s faith?

We usually have one of two responses; the first is to make that individual the poster child of God’s followers. A pressure no one needs. The second, which has broken my heart many times, is that we explain—at great length, in every public forum available—why that person’s faith is not real. To question it, to provide evidence by their conduct, to make a judgment when it is not ours to make… what is it we want to accomplish?

Do we wish they didn’t know Christ, since apparently, our perception of their understanding is not up to our standards? I surely hope not. Can we instead have our hearts aligned with Paul’s for those he had not met in the churches in the cities of Laodicea and Colossae?

I want you to know how much I have agonized for you and for the church at Laodicea, and for many other believers who have never met me personally. I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love. I want them to have complete confidence that they understand God’s mysterious plan, which is Christ himself. Colossians 2:1-2

Is it our desire for our “club” to be exclusive to those we deem in line with our criteria; to our interpretation of what a follower of Christ looks like; to what behavior we consider acceptable and what is not? Instead, may we follow God’s desire for all of us. The traits and actions in the lives of other individuals who we have no way of really knowing should not form our opinions. Especially since they are no more a part of our lives than a few lines in an article, a post, or a discussion from another. May we seek in ourselves as well as others what God does, the state of our heart.

And I know it is important to love him with all my heart and all my understanding and all my strength and to love my neighbor as myself. This is more important than to offer all of the burnt offerings and sacrifices required in the law. Mark 12:33

Do we delight in the knowledge that if they don’t know Christ, they will live in eternity separated from a loving God and his mercy? Instead to experience punishment we should wish on no one. My heart clenches at the thought.

The wicked shall be turned into hell, and all the nations that forget God. Psalm 9:17

May we seek in ourselves as well as others what God does, the state of our heart.

Instead, family, may we celebrate that maybe, just maybe, another has found what we have the privilege of knowing.

Our merciful God has reached into their hearts to display a need for him and make real his sacrifice that was for each and every one of us. We should take joy in the possibility that they discovered the security in a relationship with a personal and wholly loving God.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. Romans 8:38

Next time we are told of a new-found faith, no matter where announced, let’s root for them and encourage them. Instead of forming an opinion for others to read, let’s pray that God places in their lives a mentor, friend, or pastor who can walk alongside them, to love and teach them the fullness of God’s grace.

You see, family, our hope should be for all. For those who may have a glimmer of Christ yet stumble, whether they are in public, in our community, our neighborhood, or our family, may we display God’s love, described so very well in 1 Corinthians 13.

Love is kind; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely…believes all things, hopes all things.

—
For more encouragement in your faith, start here:

Would Jesus Unfriend You?
3 Ways Christians Should Share Their Faith
Building Faith: Growing in Your Relationship with God
Overcoming Bitterness When You Don’t Get the Credit You Deserve
Is Your Anger Holding You Hostage? Freedom Can Be Found

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Don’t miss our podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life with a strong woman of faith, Skillet’s Jen Ledger Shares Her Faith, Her Fear and Her Strength – 044!

Since I was never one who was boy-crazy, I found it quite perplexing, feeling uncertain how to address this new frontier. My eldest daughter just liked the attention of boys. She wasn’t necessarily attached to them. In fact, we often said she discarded boys as one does a tissue in allergy season. I often felt sorry for those young men who showed up on our doorstep with such optimism.

But in those years, it concerned me. Was this going to be a problem? Was this desire for attention one that would create more difficult issues as she grew toward adulthood? The answer to those questions is sometimes ‘yes’, and it is most often ‘no.’

Girls do like boys and the attention they can offer. This fact is not a big deal. Some girls tend to like boys a whole lot. Moms just have to step back and take a balanced look at how to deal with that reality.

If your daughter is boy-crazy, let me share what I’ve learned:

1. Do not make this a big deal!

We spoke of this reality freely within our family, but usually in a fun, lighthearted manner. As long as the other parts of her life were in balance—school, extra-curricular activities, faith, and friends—we determined she was ok.