In my last post I introduced four principles for creating positive relationships: empathy, honesty, responsibility and shared vision. I consider them the four cornerstones of a good healthy relationship, whether it be marriage, parent-child, boss-employee and so on. My goal is to grow in my ability to live these qualities in each of my relationships. As I do so, I grow personally and my relationships become stronger, more mature and fulfilling.

What I didn’t share with you, in my last post, is the connection between these four principles and concept of “The Hero’s Choice.” If you’ve read my book, you know that I define a hero as someone who makes choices consistent with his or her highest vision, what he/she really wants in the long-run, particularly in challenging situations, when emotions are strong and it would be easy to react in weakening or harmful ways.

Making good choices, in these situations, requires great awareness, self-honesty, humility, accountability and courage. I have long considered it “heroic” to make such choices. Hal, gradually and haltingly, learned to do so throughout the course of the book, which eventually resulted in his growth into abundance and love.

More recently I had further insight into the meaning of this word “hero.” I got excited about my new discovery and so wrote an “Epilogue” to The Hero’s Choice. My purpose is to share just a portion of this with you today. I hope you enjoy it.

Some four months after the conclusion of the book, Hal, at Charlie White’s invitation, is visiting him in his office:

“I’ve realized that there are four core principles required to develop and maintain powerful relationships, whether at home or on the job.” Hal pulled a sheet of paper out of his shirt pocket and began unfolding it.

Charlie laughed. “You carry it right there in your front pocket?”

“Yep.” Hal grinned. “Of course, lest you think I’m completely backward, I also have electronic copies on my I-Phone and computer.”

“Just wondering,” smiled Charlie.

Hal placed the sheet of paper in front of Charlie. “As you can see, there are four parts, honesty, empathy, responsibility, and our shared vision. I think of it as a “Credo for my Relationships.” I carry it with me so I can refer to it frequently. It’s a reminder of how I want to be in each of my relationships.”

“Does anyone else know about it?” Charlie asked.

“Kathy. I shared it with her when I started working on it. In fact, I’d say we co-wrote it. We’ve talked at length about the principles and how to apply them to our relationship. In fact, that’s the value.” Hal looked down and then back at Charlie. “You can’t just read through them quickly and expect they’ll make a difference. It’s when two people can really talk about what it means and then mutually commit to live by the principles that the relationship becomes empowering to both parties.”

“Or to a team,” ventured Charlie.

Hal smiled and nodded. “Yes, to a team.” He was thrilled to know of Charlie’s commitment to change old patterns and make new choices in his relationships. Charlie influences so many people, Hal thought. What a difference he could make.

Hal turned the paper so Charlie could read it.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Our relationship matters. We depend on each other for our success and fulfillment. What we accomplish, we accomplish together.

Furthermore, I recognize that I can participate in our relationship in ways that are harmful or helpful, unite or divide, build up or tear down. I choose to act and communicate in ways that strengthen, and pledge to live in harmony with the following principles:

Honesty:  I’m self-aware and have the humility to be who I am, without pretense. I’m direct in asking for what I want and need and have the courage and compassion to tell you the truth about my perceptions and feelings.

Empathy: I care about you and respect your thoughts, feelings, and needs and the right to make your own choices. I suspend judgment and create safe and trusting conditions in which you can be open and tell me your truth. I actively support you in achieving your goals and living your vision.

Responsibility: I accept responsibility for myself, my attitudes, communication, and behavior. I am accountable for my choices and the results of my life.  When things go wrong, I make strengthening choices to correct the problem rather than making excuses or blaming.

Our Shared Vision: I recognize our common interests and commit to interacting in ways that are strengthening for both of us. I work cooperatively with you to define and achieve our shared vision.  As differences, conflict, or grievances arise, I commit to work with you to arrive at a solution that is the best for each of us.

Through my commitment to this credo, you and I can forge a powerful relationship that enables us to achieve personal integrity, mutual respect, trust, and outstanding results.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

As soon as Charlie saw the document, he barked a laugh. “The letters of the words spell HERO. What’s the significance?”

Hal anticipated the question. “The myth of the hero is a bigger than life person who accomplishes some incredible feat, usually on their own. It’s all about them. We’ve even planted that notion in the leaders of organizations. You have to be some extraordinary person who comes to the rescue, saves the day, and, of course, gets all the credit.”

He studied Charlie’s reaction before continuing. “But the real heroes are everyday people who choose to live from a higher place, from thought-out principles. They make good, even courageous choices in difficult key moments. No public accolades. They do what they know is right even when it would be so easy to do otherwise. The first letters of these words spell HERO because it is not easy living this way. It takes honesty, empathy, responsibility and a commitment to our shared vision. But it is what is right and for the good of all. It’s the means by which we collaborate and empower others, not just ourselves, to make a difference.”

Charlie sat motionless. “Hmm,” he said. “I’ve played the hero. I’ve loved riding in on my white stallion and saving the day, making decisions, telling people what to do. Kind of an ego-thing, now I think about it.” He looked away from Hal. “But I’m also seeing the cost to others. It sucks the motivation right out of them … huh.”

Charlie studied the Credo for quite some time. Finally, he sat back and folded his arms across his chest. “A lot to think about here.” He was silent again.

“You’re telling me that you believe these four principles,” he closed his eyes to test his recollection of them, ”’Honesty, Empathy, Responsibility, and Our Shared Vision,’ are the essence of any productive relationship?”

“I didn’t say productive,” said Hal. “If you define productive as getting results, you can accomplish that through sheer intimidation and power.”

“Yes, I see,” answered Charlie.

“But it doesn’t last, does it?” Charlie answered his own question. “You have to have the external source of power to get things done, which is why I leave so many meetings only to come back later and wonder why in heaven’s name, more has not been accomplished.” He paused. “These principles shift the motivation from outside to inside, from ‘have to’ to ‘choose to.’”

“Yes,” said Hal, excitedly.

Charlie was quiet. “I think I’m starting to get it. I’m thinking about those conversations, after you’d spent time with what’s-his-name in the mountains.”

“Donald.”

“Yes, your friend Donald.” He gazed out the window. “That last board meeting, the day you came to my house, even the day in the courtroom … I’m seeing it. You were so honest that it was disarming.” He looked at Hal. “You weren’t dumping. It wasn’t vengeful. No intent to harm others, just the truth … A lot of it owning up to your own mistakes.” He laughed. “Some of it pointing out my controlling behavior.”

Charlie looked around the room as he continued to think through the application of the four principles in Hal’s communication. “And you showed empathy. You asked us what we thought and then listened without interrupting, defending, or arguing … Even when the comments coming back were very critical … You really wanted to understand our thoughts and feelings … But there was something more.”

Hal had no idea what Charlie was getting at.

“Ahhh,” exclaimed Charlie, animatedly wagging a finger in the air. “I’ve got it. You wanted to make it safe for us to say whatever we needed to say. You had been honest with us. You were saying ‘And I want you to know that you can be honest with me’ … huh.”

Hal was quiet but chuckling on the inside as Charlie tried to make sense of his behavior, in light of the four principles. He, himself, had not analyzed his behavior so deeply. His presence and attitude with his partners had come from deep within, once he’d taken full responsibility for himself.

“Let’s see, responsibility,” said Charlie. He paused. “There was no blame on your part … As a matter of fact, quite the opposite. You owned up to your decisions and mistakes. I have to tell you I thought you were nuts, exposing yourself like that … But somehow, the fact that you took so much responsibility for your decisions and behavior kind of took the wind out of your partner’s sails.” Charlie leaned forward and lowered his voice, as though letting Hal in on a secret. “It was like someone pricked a pinhole in the balloon of animosity and their desire for vengeance.”

“Wow,” said Hal. “I had no idea.”

“Well that’s right. I had to keep stoking the embers. They were ready to drop the lawsuit that night. They were still suspicious and not sure what to make of your behavior, but the hostility was gone.”

Hal thought back to the night of the board meeting. That had been his hope. And how disappointed he was the next night when the lawsuit was delivered to his door. The blow of the suit and Kathy’s reaction were a couple of successive key moments that temporarily brought him to his knees.

But by then he knew too much. He knew he was responsible. Not only did he create the mess he was in, but he knew, deep in his heart, that he always had choices. Besides, the biggest win was not “out there.” His win in the board meeting was not about how his partners responded. It was “in here.” He lived, that night, his new way of being, a way of being which Charlie, of all people, was now helping him understand.

“Our shared vision,” Charlie was saying.

Hal interrupted him, a new insight emerging. “For years, it was not our shared vision. It was my vision.” He shook his head. “I even recall some of the statements I made the night I was fired. “I put the deals together. I made you all rich. I built this company.” Hal closed his eyes and hung his head. “No wonder, Charlie. No wonder my partners turned against me.”

He looked up. “Maybe that’s been the hardest lesson for me … I have a little of that mythical hero instinct in me, too. I want the credit. I want to be the hero.” Hal confessed, “It’s tough to give up this hero complex.”

Charlie was sitting back, eyes closed, his hands resting on his lap. “You know, Hal,” he began. “We’re interdependent.” He smiled, shaking his head from side to side. “I know, I know. It’s so obvious that the statement sounds trite. But I’ve been thinking a lot and I realize that no one works in isolation. We accomplish our work together.” He stood and walked towards the large window with a view to the south and west of the city. “Even the most powerful person in an organization would accomplish little if not for other people.”

Charlie stroked his chin. “Together we’re better, we’re smarter, we can get more done.” He pursed his lips and nodded his head. “But it has to be us.”

In my last post I talked about the relationship between positive social relationships and happiness. Unhappiness is not a mental illness caused by something mysterious going on the brain. Generally, it can be linked to what is going on in your relationships. How are you and your boss (or co-workers) getting along? How close do you feel to your spouse? How well do you and your teenager communicate? Do you enjoy being around your young children? How do you balance the needs and expectations of others against your own? Do you have friendships you enjoy? If things are going well in your relationships, you’re much more likely to be happy. If there is tension and strife, distance and alienation, control and resistance, or unrealized expectations, you’re likely to be unhappy.

So, how do we build positive relationships with other people? Of course, this is a BIG question and one that depends on the nature of the relationship as much as anything. The meaning of a good relationship differs whether we’re talking about your boss, co-workers, customers, casual friends, parents, spouse, or children. The context and expectations for each of these relationships differ. So, I don’t want to convey that building positive relationships is a simple one, two, three step formula. It is more complex than that.

However, I have observed four principles or themes that are at the heart of our relationships. Although the application of these themes differs, depending on the nature of the connection, they still apply across the widest spectrum of relationships. My purpose in this blog is to explain these principles and how they work together. None, in isolation, is sufficient for a successful relationship. It is the dynamic tension and balance between them which results in a fulfilling, even powerful relationship. However, to talk about them, I need to tease them apart, starting with empathy. So here goes.

Empathy

Empathy is the first principle. By empathy I mean my willingness to understand, respect and even value another person for who and how they are. There are many words I could use to describe this principle-respect, non-judgment, care, compassion, acceptance, love. At its heart is letting go of my need to both judge and control or change others into who I “need” or believe they “should” be.

I can hear lots of objections to this concept. Aren’t you being permissive, Roger? What about someone who is harming others or even themselves through bad habits or destructive behavior? Doesn’t empathy  condone and even encourage such behavior? No, it doesn’t. I can have empathy for someone and tell them the truth or give them honest feedback about how I perceive and experience their behavior (and its consequences). I can have empathy and still hold expectations regarding their performance or behavior (if I’m in a position of stewardship with this person). I can come from empathy and still set boundaries or teach them what I need and how I’d like them to treat me. As a matter of fact, genuine empathy (which emanates comes from deep respect, even love) impels me to be honest and perhaps set boundaries. But I don’t do so out of judgment and condemnation but from a place of respect and love rather than judgment and hostility.

A natural tendency, when unhappy in our relationships, is to assume the source of our unhappiness is the other person. We judge them–if he/she were thus and so, a little less of this and a little more of that, then I would be happy. So I either become resigned to being unhappy (in this relationship) or I set about trying to get this person to change.

There are lots of ways we try to get others to change. We lecture, criticize, compare, blame, retreat, withhold love, create distance, punish and so on. Usually our attempts are in vain. Others perceive what we’re doing and accurately interpret the message to be, “There is something wrong with you. You’re not okay.” Such messages create deep feelings of rejection. It is seldom that the recipient has the depth of self-love to say, “Thank you for taking such an interest in me and trying to help me learn and grow. I’ll do my best to be the person you need me to be.” Instead, they fight back, retreat into silence, or become distracted by other interests and create distance.

Alcoholics Anonymous has a saying for trying to get others to be different. “We don’t have relationships. We take hostages.” Sad, but we sometimes spend more time withholding love from a spouse, complaining about a boss, or criticizing a child than we do developing empathy, respect and appreciation.  Not only do we give up our ability to enjoy this person, but forfeit our ability to positively influence their behavior as well.

How do I deepen the meaning of this word, “empathy?”  Empathy is:

• Letting go of the belief that someone needs to be different for you to be happy.
• Surrendering expectations about who someone “should” be so you can begin allowing them to be who they are.
• Respecting another, which the dictionary defines as “to show honor, esteem, and consideration towards.”
• Being present so that you truly see, hear and connect with someone in the current moment (rather than from stereotyped expectations).
• Putting aside your own agenda to listen deeply to what others have to say. Quieting the monologue in your own head so that you can hear their experience with greater depth of appreciation and understanding.

Let me state a few things empathy does not mean. It doesn’t mean that you like everything about another. (You might hate your daughter’s tattoos; or the way your boss plays favorites.) Nor does it mean you always have warm and fuzzy feelings towards another. (Sometimes you’re indifferent to your spouse; sometimes just plain aggravated.) And, it doesn’t mean that you are powerless to influence another through requests, sharing expectations or dialoguing to arrive at agreements. What it does mean is that you appreciate who they are and that you show them honor and consideration in the way you interact with them.

Now I do have to say that some people (at least for some people) are easier to appreciate and love than others. (In part, this is the “grass is always greener” phenomenon. From a distance, we don’t see all the imperfections of the people we don’t live or associate with on a daily basis. It is easy to over-idealize them while taking for granted the people with whom we do associate.)

Nonetheless, it is still true that some people are easier to appreciate than others. This fact means that the challenge is not the same for everyone or within every relationship. But alas, no use comparing. What works is to inventory your level of empathy within your relationships, those real human beings in your life with whom you associate daily. Your happiness, as well as ability to be a positive influence on them, is greatly related to your ability to accept them.

I recently heard an 82 year old man, married for 60 years, give some advice to a beautiful young couple during their wedding reception. “Lower your expectations.” I laughed out loud and gave the older gentleman, a friend of mine, a thumbs up. It was great advice. However, I would add a twist. “Lower your expectations and (and this is an important “and”) trust what is in them.” It is through the climate of respect, acceptance and love that empathy creates that others can grow into who they are truly capable of being (and that is not up to you.)

Honesty

Whereas empathy is about how I care for and honor others, honesty has much to do with how I care for and honor myself. It is about speaking the truth. Now, of course, that is a big statement because “the truth” is actually quite subjective. In fact, it may be better said “speaking my truth.” Each of us has a rich, even complex inner experience that includes physical sensations, thoughts and perceptions and feelings. Speaking my truth is giving expression to my inner experience.

However, let’s take a step back. Honesty with others begins with honesty with self. How can I let others know what I think, feel, need, and want if not clear myself? Self-honesty is clarity, and clarity is enormously healthy. It means I am aware of my experience. I know my thoughts, feelings and needs. From this self-knowledge I can make conscious choices. If unaware of my experience, I’m likely to be reactive and act out my feelings and needs in negative and weakening ways. In fact, the more drama in my life, the less clear (honest) I am about my inner experience. I need to take time to slow down, become more self-reflective and understand my thoughts and feelings before acting them out.

This is not easy. It requires the ability to not just go through daily experiences but to be present and pay attention to what is happening (inside and outside) during these experiences. It requires the courage to tolerate (rather than blame and act out) the emotional discomfort of many experiences. And, it takes great personal responsibility to make new, better choices during these moments. Sometimes it simply seems easier to sleepwalk through life.

As I become more honest with myself I can become more honest in my relationships. How can I find mutual success with my boss if I cannot be honest? How can I find fulfillment with my spouse if I cannot be honest? A healthy relationship requires that I be able to speak my truth.

Many folks are hesitant to be honest in their communication. They are afraid that their truth will hurt others feelings or perhaps meet disapproval, argument, or even worse, indifference. Speaking the truth makes us extremely vulnerable. It sets us up for potential conflict, or to be scrutinized, criticized or rejected. So we keep our deepest thoughts and feelings to ourselves. We “retire in place” at work. We avoid deeper conversations with our kids. We are silent (or drop hints) with our partner, hoping they will figure out what we feel and need.

This is true because we’re so into protecting and defending ourselves and fixing and changing each other. We haven’t learned the empathy necessary to simply be with someone as they express themselves, without the thought that we have to do something about it—make them feel better, set them straight, persuade them to our point of view. So we are quiet about expressing our thoughts, feelings or sometimes making requests, at least when it comes to matters that matter.

Sometimes we use honesty to bully and get our way. We say things or do things that don’t show acceptance and care for others because it is “true” for us. This is not to say that we should sweep sensitive issues under the carpet in order to keep the peace. The quality of a relationship is directly related to the degree to which people can have open and even difficult conversations with each other. However, healthy honesty requires that I do this in a way that takes into account the other principles of empathy and responsibility as well. None of the themes of healthy relationships can be fully expressed in isolation from the others.

So what is honesty? It is:

• Being aware of my inner experience, my thoughts and feelings.
• Owning my inner experience (rather than blaming it on you).
• Disclosing my experience to you.
• Getting sensitive issues out on the table when it is important to the health of a relationship to do so.
• Making requests, not to change you, but to let you know what I need and want and how you can support me.
• Setting boundaries to take care of myself, including sometimes saying “no” to requests you make of me.

Like empathy, learning honesty is how we grow, how we learn emotional maturity, and how we create healthy, satisfying relationships.

Responsibility

The last of the big three. (Or maybe the first.)  I define responsibility as “taking ownership” of the experience and outcomes of my life. My life is not up to chance. Certainly lots of things happen, many of them outside my control. But that does not mean I don’t have any say in them. I decide what they mean. I decide how they will affect me. I decide how I will act upon them. Ultimately, responsibility has to do with my ability to choose. It is about making good choices; to think and act in ways that are aligned with my, and our, highest self-interest.

It is easy to live a reactive life. It seems that the origin of our experience is external. Things happen and then we react. Especially when we don’t like what is happening it is easy to go unconscious and slip into a reactive, self-justifying, mode. “It’s not my fault.” “They did it to me.” “I couldn’t help it.” “If only…” “Someday…” “If you would only….” To the unconscious mind, our justifications play an important role. They protect us from feelings of failure, rejection, discomfort or being wrong. They make us feel safe, at least in the short-run, but exact a gigantic penalty in the long run as we give up greater and greater control over our lives.

No where does this play out more dramatically than in our relationships. I sometimes react to … say the weather. More likely I’m going to react to something my wife says. “I wish I could count on you to…” Now I’m hooked. That little boy part of me that still needs to please, or does not tolerate someone being upset with me, wants to defend and fight back, rather than listen and understand (empathy). The empathy part won’t happen until I “claim ownership” of my reaction. Until I get that it is about me and not what Judy said.  Even the honesty part—“It’s hard for me to hear a message that I’ve let you down” or even “I am sorry for letting you down…” —can’t happen until I am willing to be responsible for my own feelings. What is most significant about my experience is on the inside (my own perceptions and feelings), not the outside (her comment). Knowing this, claiming this level of responsibility is growing up so I can have healthy relationships. This, not getting the whole world (at least my little corner of the world) to treat me right, is what makes the world a positive, safe, trustworthy place.

Disowning responsibility puts me at the mercy of others and events. Owning puts me back in the driver’s seat. I can step back and respond to a situation in a more mature way. I can pause to see what I’ve done to cause what is happening as well as clarify my choices about how to respond. How can I build positive relations with others if not willing to accept ownership for my actions, communication, emotions and attitudes?

Responsibility means I:

• Recognize that I create my life outcomes and experience.
• Refuse to defend and blame when things go wrong.
• Understand and “own” my part.
• Take the initiative to build positive relationships
• Live from “choose to” rather than “have to.”
• Make deliberate choices rather than complain
• Live consciously, in the present
• Am proactive

In the heat of the moment, when my choices most count, it seems easier to ignore, defend, blame and disown responsibility. But it all comes down to short term vs. long-term. Taking responsibility is a prerequisite not only for achieving outcomes and the happiness I desire, but for creating positive, loving relationships, as well. The bottom line–don’t look at others. Look to yourself.

Our Shared Vision

Empathy, honesty, responsibility–three core principles to build positive and effective relationships, whether on the job or at home. Each principle is distinct and yet powerful because they intersect to support our growth into powerful, meaningful relationships.

I want to introduce one more principle that brings these three together, a principle which gives us the incentive to do the truly hard, emotional work of growing our relationships–our shared vision.

All relationships have purpose. It is purpose that pulls people into connection. In some the purpose is intrinsic, like a mother nurturing her child. In some, the purpose is crafted, like a group of volunteers who come together to support a cause. In each case, those relationships that thrive, as opposed to merely survive, are those in which the parties care about their shared vision and work together to not only support each other and grow the relationship, but to grow the relationship with some end in mind—meeting a business goal, winning a game, enjoying companionship, impacting a community, raising a family, etc.

Relationships come alive when the participants have a common purpose and vision. Husbands and wives will grow in their commitment to one another as they clarify their shared vision. A father and son may become closer by talking about what is important to each of them in their relationship. A workgroup will perform at a higher level when they understand and rally around a shared interest.

Of course, for a shared vision to really work it needs to be shared. It can’t just be my vision. Better if it is “our vision.” The clearer we are about “our vision,” the more we each participate in talking about or even forming that vision, the greater the attraction of the relationship and more benefit each will receive from being part of the relationship.

Creating a shared vision can be a powerful experience. It happens quite naturally as people come together and discuss such questions as:

• Why do we exist?
• What would we like to accomplish together?
• How can we make that happen?
• How can we help each other?
• What is important to you in our relationship?
• How can I support you in what is important to you?
• How can we benefit (bless) each other by being in this relationship?

Simple questions, which unleash the potential of your relationships. In some cases, you may need to ask the questions of yourself because the other people would not understand or perhaps agree to the exercise. Asking yourself these questions can help you strengthen and become a better participant in the relationship. In many cases, it is better to talk about such questions together to experience the greatest benefits that this shared experience can bring.

However, I only recommend bringing people together if you have made a commitment and are doing your best (you don’t have to be perfect) to live the other principles (empathy, honesty, responsibility). Otherwise, you’ll be dealing with mistrust, resistance and avoidance.

But if you are doing your part, shared vision becomes that capstone that integrates the other three principles into a dynamic balance so you not only grow but achieve something meaningful through your association.

In the late 1930s, researchers at Harvard University conceived of a project to understand happiness and personal success. In one of the longest running studies of all time, they began following the lives of 268 men who entered Harvard in the late 1930s up to the present day (most of them having passed-on by now), in order to understand what distinguishes the happiest from the least happy men. In 2009, George Vaillant, who has directed the study for the last 40 years, wrote an article in the Atlantic Monthly summarizing the conclusion of the study in one word: “love.”  He went on to say that our relationships with other people matter more to our happiness than anything else in the world.

Many other studies have supported this conclusion. What sets apart the happiest people in the world is not wealth, beauty, talent, fame, achievement, IQ, fitness or any of a myriad of variables you can name. Only one factor is predictive of happiness–the strength of our personal relationships. Happy people have strong, positive, and loving relationships. Positive social interactions literally produce chemical endorphins in the brain that reduce anxiety, depression and increase our well-being, make us feel happy and good about ourselves and life.

How often do we erroneously assume that mastering these other outcomes will automatically lead to happiness? It reminds me of the story of an army slashing their way through a heavy jungle. Eventually, someone climbs to the top of a tall tree, looks around, and hollers back to the rest of the men. “We’re in the wrong jungle.” Someone on the ground shouts to him, “Shut up! We’re making great progress.”

I don’t want to suggest that happiness is the only outcome in life that matters. However, I do want to say that most of us want to be happy and understanding the correlation between happiness and positive relationships points us in the right direction.

So, how do we have more positive relationships? Do they just happen? Are they a function of being with the “right” people. The answer to these last two questions is “no.” People who are in positive social relationships take responsibility. They do things to build and strengthen their relationships. Here are some examples:

• Greet others with a “Hi,” “Good morning,” or “It’s good to see you.”
• Smile and look people in the eye.
• Call people by name.
• Take the initiative; don’t wait for others to speak up.
• Make small talk by bringing up easy topics that you and others can relate to: weather, pets, events, sports, weekend activities, etc.
• Get outside yourself and be interested. “What do you have going on today?” “How are you feeling about such and such?” “How did such and such go last night?”
• Ask how you can support others. “What is going on today? How can I support you?” or, “What do you need from me.” 
• Be a good listener. Ask questions that begin with who, what, where, when, how, or why, that encourage others to open up. Keep drawing them out. Don’t be afraid of pauses. Continue to show interest by giving encouraging feedback–nod your head, say “uh-huh,” “really,” etc.
• If with family members or close friends, give hugs or reach out and touch someone.
• Be present mentally and not just physically. Put aside distractions to really see and be with someone.
• Seek out those who are off by themselves.
• Give a compliment, build others up. Take it upon yourself to help people feel good about themselves.
• Do acts of kindness.
• Refuse to gossip or talk about others behind their backs.
• Respond positively rather than ignore or argue with little comments. “There is a bird on the window sill.” “There sure is. What beautiful colors.”

I could go on. This list is far from comprehensive. The point is that these acts elicit goodwill and rewarding responses from others. They put the responsibility on you to build positive relationships with others. They also make you a “giver” rather than “taker” in your personal/social relationships. They start a positive, expansive cycle in which others enjoy being with you and naturally want to give to you in positive ways. These positive interactions produce not only interpersonal consequences but bio-chemical as well. Your brain releases endorphins that result in greater feelings of joy and well-being.

Too often we become caught up in keeping score, paying attention to what others are doing or not doing to contribute to the relationship, which puts us on a downward, victim spiral. We become critical and negative and others respond to us in kind. The cycle becomes self-perpetuating. But at least we get to blame it on someone else.

DON’T GO THERE. Take responsibility for the quality of your relationships. Practice making positive choices, doing kind and loving acts that you know will lift and bless others. And trust that what you give will eventually return to bless you as well.

So join the conversation. When I write I like to think that we are community of people supporting one another in this journey of life. What are your thoughts? Or what might you do this week to create more positive relationships with those you love?

Let me ask you to share a comment. Give your commitment power, by sharing it below.

In a nutshell, here are the steps:Step One: Wake up
(be fully present, alert and conscious of what is happening)

Step Two: Take accountability
(claim ownership rather than living from blame and excuses)

Step Three: Interrupt old patterns
(refuse to get sucked into habitual, weakening ways of acting)

Step Four: Clarify a new vision
(know what is most important, what you want to attract or create in your life)

Step Five: Make new choices
(be willing to act, based on your vision, rather than react)

Step Six: Practice and persist
(make new behaviors habitual through repetition)

In practice, these steps are interrelated and overlapping. The boundaries between them are not always distinct and they don’t necessarily occur in a linear sequence. For example, embedded within awareness are the seeds of accountability. Interrupting a negative pattern sometimes occurs quite naturally as we create a compelling vision. And so on.

As the diagram below illustrates, each principle is a piece of the puzzle of personal change, of learning to handle our key moments in better and more empowering ways.

In personal transformation, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Each principle is “at play” in a single event. Here is an example, from The Hero’s Choice, of Hal’s interaction with Kathy as he entered their bedroom, intent on making things right and communicating with his wife in a new way.

Kathy was propped up on the bed, a pile of tests lying on the bedspread.

“Mind if I have a seat?” he asked, timidly.

She shrugged, making no move to put down the test she was correcting.

He sat on the love seat in the bay window facing the bed. As he opened his mouth to speak, he realized just how much humility was going to be required to accept personal responsibility. He would have to give up his pride, his need to “win.” Abandon his self-justifying thoughts and the urge to defend his ego. Earlier in the day, this had seemed like an exciting idea, but at the moment, he felt vulnerable. He wanted to turn and walk away.

“I owe you a huge apology for not calling Sam and my father today.”

Kathy rolled her eyes.

“I know you’re mad at me, and I can’t blame you.” She continued looking down at her test. Several seconds passed before he spoke again. “Do you want me to leave?”

Kathy tossed the test from her lap onto the bed and glared. “I knew you wouldn’t call your father. The moment I left this morning. Words! That’s all they were.”

“That was wrong of me, Kathy. I know that. I made a promise and didn’t keep it.” (pp. 126-127)

Awareness, accountability, breaking old patterns, a clear vision, a willingness to make new choices, persistence. Hal spontaneously drew upon each of the six principles as he deliberately created a new dynamic in this event with his wife. The outcome of the evening was wholeness within and a new found trust in his relationship with Kathy.

Hal and Kathy talked well into the night. Then he lay awake thinking, long after Kathy had fallen asleep. Astonished and grateful. (p. 132)

Likewise, all of the principles were at play as Hal faced another key moment—the follow up board meeting with his partners.

Hal looked around the room. The only encouraging glance came from Janine. “I’d like to begin by acknowledging that this is an awkward moment for all of us,” he said. “You probably dreaded my coming here tonight. I’ve certainly felt my share of anxiety and apprehension. I want you to know I don’t intend to make this difficult. I don’t hold any animosity or grudges toward any of you. My intention is to work things out in a way that’s best for all of us.”

“Enough of the speech-making, Stratton,” said Charlie. “That’s not why we’re here. What’s your answer to our offer?”

Hal looked Charlie squarely in the eye. “I mean no one ill intent, Charlie, including you. The last thing I want tonight is to get into a power struggle. But I will speak frankly. I started this company. I served as the managing partner for seven years. I brought each of you into the business, and I’m an equal partner at this table. I’ve earned the right to share a few words with you before I answer.”

Charlie’s expression showed how rare it was for him to be challenged. “Well, make it quick. You’re wasting our time.” (p.204)

How different from the evening he was fired when he lacked personal awareness, a willingness or ability to be accountable, act from a higher vision, make new choices, etc.

An important lesson in life is that our key moments, our adversities, present our greatest opportunities to grow. Initially devastated, Hal learned valuable lessons from being fired that eventually allowed him to find wholeness and goodwill, a level of meaning and fulfillment that he had not heretofore imagined. Of course, the experience alone was not enough. Lots of people go through difficult times and fail to learn or grow. Hal grew because he learned to step up to his life in new ways as defined by each of the steps of transformation.

I want to invite you to be aware of this pattern as you face the challenges of your life. Are you willing to be aware of what is happening, both within and around you? Be accountable for your part? Break old patterns of thinking and reacting? Clarify a new vision? Make new, empowering choices? Practice and persist, even when the going gets tough? If so, you’ll make great progress. It won’t be easy. You’ll experience plenty of setbacks. And you’ll also discover a great sense of personal power, meaning, and joy as you take destiny into your own hands and learn that what is biggest is not “out there” but inside you.

The Hero’s Choice is a story about the transformation of Hal Stratton from a successful but emotionally underdeveloped man into a person who discovers wholeness inside and goodwill in his relationships. At the beginning of the book, Hal is not emotionally prepared to deal with the crisis of being fired as general manager of Western Realty. (Most people would have a difficult time responding to such a turn of events.) Hal, like so many of us when in crisis, is negative and reactive. He shows little self awareness or willingness to see his responsibility for what has happened. He simply acts out his emotions in non-productive ways. He comes from “survival” rather than “serenity.”

Of course, this changes as the story progresses and Hal slowly starts to see himself and his life in a new way. At first he reacts with skepticism and resistance. But gradually he opens his heart and mind to the lessons his mentor, Donald, is teaching. His life begins to change as he starts to take responsibility for himself, interrupts old defensive patterns, creates a new vision, and makes new, more empowering choices.

Many of you have read the book and so know the story. Whether or not you have is neither here nor there. The purpose of my brief recap is to make the point that personal transformation is not random. There is a pattern governed by just a few core principles. I believe that these principles are at work, usually implicitly, in all personal transformation and for this reason I want to make them explicit. They are steps that you will find operating in your life as you learn and grow and change. Being aware of them can help you better understand the process by which you, too, can improve your life.

In a nutshell, here are the steps:

The steps seem simple and straight forward. And yet they express the essence of change. Hal experienced each of these steps.

His journey began with awareness. The concepts Donald taught him (The Three Rs, Key Moments, Four perspectives, Payoffs, etc.) prodded him to wake up and see himself in new and different ways.

Donald also challenged him to be accountable for his choices. It began as he “owned” his choices in his relationship with Kathy. He deepened the process, later in the book, as he owned up to his part in being fired.

Hal also learned how to interrupt old patterns or negative responses during his key moments (tendencies to blame, retreat, judge others) as he challenged the distortions in his thinking and saw, clearly, the negative consequences of what he was doing.

He clarified a new vision, typed it on a sheet of paper, and taped it to a nearby wall. He deepened his vision as he thought deeply about his guiding principles and later identified a unifying theme, a compelling sense of his life’s purpose.

Hal learned that he had the ability to make choices regarding his thoughts, actions, and feelings. He became more proactive about making choices as he clarified his intent and the outcomes he truly desired (“I choose…”).

And, of course, he practiced and persisted, especially when people did not respond or events did not go as he had hoped. In short, Hal cycled through all six steps of personal transformation, in fact, several times, with each new key moment.

I want to invite you to do a quick assessment of your life. Are you awake, alert, and aware of the patterns of thinking, feeling, and relating to others? Do you take accountability, rather than blame when things go wrong? Are you able to interrupt old, negative patterns? How clear is your vision of what you really want? Can you make new choices? Practice and persist when the going gets tough?

None of us is perfect. We backslide all the time. But being aware of the steps helps us know where we are and how to move forward.

If you’ve read The Hero’s Choice, or followed me for very long, then you’re familiar with the Serenity Model, which suggests four different ways of being–Survival (all about fear and just getting by), Security (about being safe and pleasing others), Success (about achieving and accomplishing), and Serenity (about living consciously, from choice).

Serenity is more than a quiet, meditative approach to life. In fact, as I live from this place, I’m alive, aware and fully engaged. I also get that what matters most is not “outside”–my bank account, job title, house, fame, performance (how many games/contracts I win). Not that these are not important. I climb a mountain. I build a business. I give the game my best. But the mountain, the business, the game are no longer the end. They are the means to a higher end–the end of being fully conscious, present, and responsible for my life. The end of living from the “inside out, in which nothing is bigger than my ability to choose my response and how I’ll live. A new way of living based on a new set of rules.

When living in Serenity, life feels meaningful, whole and complete. Rather than struggling, I find inner harmony by being present to the moment and learning to make good choices, even in difficult circumstances. Not that this is easy. But, slowly, that ability to make good, strengthening choices leads me to high self-esteem and a deep sense of confidence and well-being. I can trust myself rather than live in fear and anxiety. I trust the goodness and abundance of life. I feel more connected with the infinite, God. I accept responsibility for myself, not just my accomplishments, but also my reactions and inner experience. I cease to see myself as acted upon by circumstances, events, and others but recognize my own choice-making as primary in creating both my inner experience and outer reality.

I become less preoccupied with ego and appearances. Although I set goals and achieve, I also ask deeper questions related to my “being.” “Who am I?” What is my purpose?” “How do I want to live?” From the answers to these questions, my life takes on more meaning. Accomplishments are a means and not simply an end. I’m less frantic about my goals. I don’t demand perfection of myself but seek to do as much as possible with the talents I have been given. I learn that the inner qualities of love, joy and peace are, in the long-run, more enduring than outward successes.

My personal relationships are enjoyable and not an after-thought. I become more interested in others and want to reach out to them in service and love. I let go of judgments and truly care. I want to “win” in my interactions with others, but also want them to “win.” When things go wrong I’ll deal with them openly and without manipulation. The world feels like a good and friendly place. What resonates for you?

Growth is a conscious process. It doesn’t happen simply by reading words on a page. You have to make it happen by doing something with those words.

That’s something I like to do, periodically–think about an aspect of serenity and commit to living it for a day or week. Right now, my focus is on being fully present and conscious. When in this mode (mood), I like to eliminate media distractions (TV, radio, newspaper, online news, i-tunes) and pay attention to the simple act of eating my breakfast, washing dishes, going for a run, whatever. I like to notice the feelings that wash over me during the day, but without acting them out. Being present centers me. It helps me get in touch with a calmer place in side.

On another occasion, I may focus on seeing and trusting the goodness of life. On another occasion, choosing to let go of “perfectionism” and value the talents I’ve been given. On another occasion, I quieting the chatter in my head that keeps me from being “with” another person, so I really look at them and appreciate their goodness or point of view. And so on.

I don’t believe that changing my focus in this way is so much about developing a particular attribute as “coming from” that attribute. It is already in me, often buried. I simply want to access it and live from it. Doing so is a deliberate choice. And the more I do so the easier it becomes and not because I’ve changed but because I’m trusting who I really am.

So take a few minutes to think about this question. What part of the serenity description resonates with you, today? Identify it. Perhaps even write it down. Then consider–how do you choose to live it today and over the next few days? Remember, we don’t become who we are meant to be by the mere passage of time, but by deciding. The only way to change is to change. And, if you choose, leave a comment, sharing your experience with others.

We have a natural tendency, at the beginning of a new year, to reflect upon where we are and then set goals or make resolutions for the upcoming year. Actually, as I think about it, the tendency is evidence of an innate desire, as human beings, to learn, grow, progress, and succeed. We recognize that we are not all of who we want to be or have not accomplished all of what we desire and so our inclination is to make promises to ourselves about what we’re going to do differently.

Of course, statistically speaking, most people fail to keep their resolutions more than a few weeks or months into the new year. It seems that those who benefit from the exercise are fitness centers and authors of weight loss books. The vast majority of people simply run out of steam. They don’t have the momentum to sustain the feelings (very genuine, by the way) that they want to improve and become better people.

If you have found that true in your life and, consequently have given up making resolutions or get down on yourself and wonder why you can’t sustain your worthy desires, then I want to suggest an exercise. Write a letter to yourself. The problem with resolutions (even goals, for that matter) is that they lack context. Although they reflect our desires they lack deep roots. Writing a letter is like giving them roots. The process gives scope and context to our aspirations and, thereby, deepens their meaning and importance.

The process is rather simple. Grab a pencil and notebook or laptop and go to a quiet place. Take a little time to ponder your life, perhaps this past year, or where you are today. Then write a letter to yourself as if you were writing from the future, perhaps one year from now. You are looking back upon the past year. Write in present tense. Describe how you are living and being, what you have accomplished and what you are doing with your life. Include as many parts of your life as you desire–self improvement, family and relationships, career/work, finances, friendships, community involvement, living environment, etc.

Here is an abbreviated example.

December 31, 2012

Dear Roger,

Wow, how nice to look back on this past year with deep feelings of satisfaction and gratitude. Not that everything was easy, but I am proud that I made good choices on so many fronts. I’m in great physical shape. For the most part, I’ve eaten well and stayed with my exercise routine, losing 15 lbs in the process. (I’m sure those who know me are chuckling at that one.) I’m more aware of myself, my inner feelings and thoughts, which has made me a little quieter, less reactive, more peaceful. My relationships feel richer because I listen better to others. I really see and hear them, more than their words. I can’t believe how my business has grown through …

And so on. Write your letter from your deepest desires, how you would like to be and what you would like to accomplish in the next year. Be audacious but realistic. Include only what is important to you. Simple things count, such as how you want to decorate your home or a gadget you’ve wanted to buy. Don’t worry about grammar or a nice writing style. Simply include whatever comes to your heart and mind.

Then take time to read your letter, perhaps several times. Visualize yourself having lived and accomplished what you describe. Put yourself into this emotional state with all of the images, feelings, and thoughts that accompany it. Don’t hurry on. Savor it. Allow its meaning to take root inside your mind and spirit.

Then put it away. Don’t take it out until next year. You will be surprised how close you’ve come to accomplishing it.

And please leave a comment letting me know about your experience and encouraging others to write their letters. Let’s support each other in a great 2012.

• You have a hundred million receptors in your eyes to enjoy the magic of a leaf, a snowflake, pond, child, cloud, star, rose.
• Twenty four thousand fibers in each ear vibrate at the laugh of a baby, sound of the wind, the waves upon a rock, the call of a robin, children at play.
• You are able to formulate words to communicate your needs, connect to other people, bring comfort to the unhappy, encourage the defeated.
• Your heart maintains your life. Touch your chest and feel its rhythm, pulsating, hour after hour, day and night, thirty-six million beats each year, year after year, asleep or awake, pumping your blood through more than sixty thousand miles of veins and arteries. Pumping more than six hundred thousand gallons each year. Man has never created such a machine.
• Your lungs bring in life-giving oxygen and filter air through six hundred million pockets of folded flesh while they rid your body of gases. You have five quarts of blood which contain twenty-two trillion blood cells and within each cell are millions of molecules and within each molecule is an atom oscillating at more than ten million times each second. Each second, two million of your blood cells die to be replaced by two million more in a resurrection that has continued since your birth.
• Your brain is the most complex structure in the universe. Within its three pounds are thirteen billion nerve cells, more than double the number of people on earth. And one thousand billion, billion protean molecules to help you file away every perception, sound, taste, smell, every action you have experienced since before the day of your birth. Every incident in your life is there awaiting your recall. And to help your brain control your body, you have four million pain-sensitive structures, five hundred thousand touch detectors, and more than two hundred thousand temperature detectors.
• You are not a bush condemned to a small plot while the wind and world abuses you. You can stretch and run and dance and work, for within you are five hundred muscles, two hundred bones and seven miles of nerve fibers all synchronized to do your bidding.

You are rich. You don’t need to count the money in your bank account or look to your material possessions. You possess physical and spiritual assets of far greater value. Count your blessings and know that you are God’s greatest creation. Your blessings overflow your cup.

(Adapted from Og Mandino, The Greatest Miracle in the World

For years people assumed that IQ was more predictive of life and occupational success than any other variable. After all, doesn’t it stand to reason that the smartest people will outperform others most of the time? It’s logical, but not true. In fact, recent research has found that people of average IQ will outperform those of high IQ 70% of the time. An amazing fact, which prompted social scientists to search for some other variable to explain success.

After years of research and countless studies, the concept of emotional intelligence (EQ) emerged as the missing link. Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and manage your own emotions and the ability to understand and manage your relationships with others. Furthermore, it has been found that emotional intelligence accounts for about 60% of your success on the job and is the biggest predictor of workplace performance, leadership, personal excellence, as well as positive relationships.

According to research from TalentSmart, a company that studies and teaches emotional intelligence, 90% of high performers are high in emotional  intelligence. People who develop their EQ tend to be more successful on the job and also make more money (average of $29,000 per year more than people low in EQ). This holds true across industries, al all levels of the organization, and all regions of the world (Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves).

Here is why emotional intelligence is important. We are both emotional and rational beings. We have the ability to think and reason and yet we’re continually impacted by emotions. When in challenging or threatening situations (key moments as I like to call them) these emotions can be very strong. And our brains are hard-wired to give our emotions the upper hand.

It works like this. Our sensory experience (sight, sounds, touch, etc.) travels through our bodies in the form of electrical signals to the base of the brain where it enters the limbic system. The limbic system has often been called the “old, reptilian brain” and is the place where feelings are produced. So our experience is translated into feelings before entering the cortex of the brain where reasoning begins to take over. The rational brain can’t stop the emotions produced by the limbic system, at least initially. It’s too late. The horse is already out of the barn, so to speak.

However, the two areas do influence each other through constant communication. This communication between the emotional and rational brains is the source of emotional intelligence.

I would say that the objective of emotional intelligence is not to suppress or eliminate our emotions. Can you imagine no emotion? We’d be nothing more than robots, the richness of our lives gone. The objective is to manage these emotions in such a way that they serve us, and help us find success, purpose, and meaning in our personal lives and connection (love) with others.

Look around and see if you would agree that the most successful and happiest people are high in emotional intelligence. Certainly, there are plenty of people in key positions, managers, co-workers, etc., who are low in emotional intelligence and their overall impact on others is more toxic than beneficial. The most effective people are self-aware and successfully manage their emotions. They are also socially aware and good at managing relationships with others.

One of the best ways to learn about emotional intelligence is to observe such people in action. Who do you know that you consider emotionally intelligent? How do they manage themselves, particularly during conflict or life challenges? What do they do? Not do? How do they handle their relationships?

Leave a short comment telling us about that person. What do you appreciate about him/her? How has this person impacted your life? What have you learned from him or her?

Life involves stress, even heartache, for all of us. Furthermore, studies of people who are happier than average show that they experience the same number of failures, disappointments and pain as anyone. They are happier not because life treats them differently, but because they use different strategies for dealing with their difficulties, strategies that can be learned and practiced by anyone. 

Psychologist Martin Seligman has been able to demonstrate the differences in people who become depressed and those who do not, based on the kinds of attributions people make during difficult experiences. Three critical differences in attribution determine how people experience setbacks, frustrations and failures.

1. Duration: People can see events as either permanent or temporary.
2. Cause: People can personalize events, believing that they caused them or see them as impersonal, something which just happens.
3. Proportion: People can see an event as pervasive, that is something that will affect every part of life, or as local, affecting one part of life but not others.

The experimenters found that the happiest, most optimistic and psychologically healthy people were inconsistent in their attributions. When good happens, they see it as permanent (lasting a long time), personal (caused by me) and pervasive (affecting many parts of my life). But when bad happens, they do exactly the opposite. They view bad as temporary, impersonal and local.

They also found that people who are prone to depression are also inconsistent, but in the opposite way. When bad happens they are likely to believe that it is permanent, personally caused and pervasive. And when good happens they believe it is temporary, not caused by me and not going to affect all parts of their lives.

What stunning and enlightening research!

Martin Seligman and other colleagues went on to try another experiment. They identified grade school children at risk for depression. Half participated in a twelve week class on how to think more optimistically. They were taught to think of bad as temporary and not personal and good as permanent and something they caused. The following year, several months following the training, the students who received the “optimism training” experienced depression only half as often as the untreated group.

Optimistic people are less vulnerable to depression and they bounce back more quickly when bad things happen. What is important to understand is that their depression has less to do with their “constitution” and more to do with their expectations. It is how they look at good about bad events in their lives.

Lots of research has shown that bad events happen to happy people just as often as unhappy people. There is no escaping the difficulties of life. The difference is in how people talk to themselves about these events. And, the good news is that, by understanding this research, you can learn to talk in better and more empowering ways, and thereby develop a more optimistic, resilient and happier attitude.