Happy SantaCruzan

View from the Left – The Upside of a Trump Presidency

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Fri, 10 Feb 2017 15:07:00 +0000

Took this right after the inauguration. The flag
seemed to represent how I felt about the U.S.
Battered, torn but still waving.

I’m up early because it’s hard to sleep these days.

Work is fantastic and home life is good, but I’m constantly thinking about what’s happening to our country. As I lay awake, I realized, there has been something good that’s happened within our family and it extends to several of my friendships. We’re talking again. In a meaningful, purposeful way.

Growing up, Katie and I had this routine of coming together and I would always say, “Okay, news of the day,” and that would trigger her sharing highlights from her day and me mine. It was like our own little BuzzFeed. Headlines, stories, gossip, me sharing works stories, she’d share school stories, it didn’t matter it was how we connected. Then she got older and got a phone, then a car and honestly, finding time to talk became harder.

And then Trump decided to run for President.

We started connecting again. It started slowly because surely this was comedy and there he said funny things and made little sense. But when he won, it changed everything. It was time to talk and talk we did. I’ve spent the last month (is it a month yet?) talking with her every night explaining what’s been happening, how government works and what we can do to effect change. At the same time, she’s become (for her age) a voracious consumer of information, attenuating to headlines and going deep to really understand what’s true and what’s hyperbole or propaganda (the real words for fake news).

As a liberal elite family – I believe we qualify because we live in California, I have a master’s degree and she’s already in college – we are fiercely American. We believe in human rights, civil rights, democracy, freedom and a global economy. Katie’s traveled to more countries than I have and she’s interested in a career in journalism (I couldn’t be more proud, I think The Fourth Estate may well save us in the end).

While I fear what might happen to us based on the actions of the Trump Administration, I couldn’t be more grateful for the unintended consequence: we’ve put down our phones, come out of our homes, come together with our families, friends and community to stand up for what truly does make America great.

Mr. Trump, I fear your slogan, “Make America Great Again” is going to be your epitaph. It’s what we’ll all say after you and Bannon and anyone who rules by fear and intimidation are gone from office. Thank God it’s over, let’s make America great again.

How To For Beginners: Curate Twitter to Help You Stay Woke

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Sun, 29 Jan 2017 19:37:00 +0000

ICYMI (in case you missed it), Twitter is the new water cooler: the best place to learn things you might otherwise miss in the chaos that is 2017. So for those of you new to this kind of media, here's a quick primer to help you get started.

1. Get a Twitter account. I recommend grabbing a handle (name) that won't embarrass if Stephen Colbert happens to read your tweet on his show. I like the mobile apps (iPhone, Android) but you can also consumer tweets on the web.

2. Complete your profile. Say as much or as little as you want about yourself. This is VERY public so use your discretion. Add a photo - it doesn't have to be of you - because that, and your profile, helps folks know you are not a bot.

3. Start following people. And this is really the crux of this post. How you curate who you follow is how you'll get the best information possible. There's a ton of garbage, opinion and untrue stuff (I refuse to call it fake news - there's just no such thing) on Twitter. You have to use your brain to evaluate it. But if you start with this list and approach, it will be a tiny bit easier. Here's goes (and please comment below with your finds - let's build a great list!).

About Hashtags. This is the secret sauce of Twitter. When something is trending (see Explore page on the mobile app and Moments on web, you'll see a hash for it. If you click that, you'll see all the tweets about that topic that have used the hash. Know at that point, you will see raw tweets with emotion, flawed information, true information and everything in between. It's good content but it's super fresh so thoughtfulness isn't necessarily the priority. Sharing is. Use hashtags if you're live, in it or have an opinion on it.

@RealDonaldTrump - yes, follow him. God forbid he gets some real followers, not just bots.

@BarackObama - 44, he'll be back.

@SenWarren - she's often where the action is and is ruthless about fact checking.

@BreitbartNews - Alr Right, all the time.

@theHill - skews conservative but good source of news.

@NYTimes - yeah, they are still in business. AND considered to be fair and balanced by those who evaluate the media (because that still matters).

@20committee - John Schindler, security columnist.

@W.JefferyBrown - journalist who oversees journalism.

@CNNPolitics - tweets factoids about politics.

@DailyCaller - conservative reporting that's on the far right offering sensational click bait.

@SenJohnMcain - because someone has to speak up to stop American sanctioned torture.

@BBCHamedani - BBC reporter currently being detained by Homeland Security. I'm not kidding.

@WashingtonPost - because they get scoop.

@Voxdotcom - highly regarded as truly fair and balanced.

@JakeTapper - because he's naming things and not putting up with #altfacts.

@CaseyNewton - if you are a Silicon Valley follower; offers political POV as well.

@RMac18 - reporter at Forbes, boasts 99% real news!

@KeithOlberman - because there should be some fun on your twitter feed (nuff said).

@FoxNews - offering a point of view.

@Moorehn - seasoned reporter who provides insights into the "why" of things.

@DavidMDrucker - senior correspondent on Capitol Hill.

@SeanSpicer - because, well, just because.

@RyanLizza - professor, writer, thinker.

@wikileaks - so you can see first hand how the game of leaking works.

@PaulKrugman - Nobel Laureate, author, thinker.

@JournalismAssoc - judge for yourself if journalists are truthful or not.

@Reuters - there's a world out there beyond us, we need to know all things.

@JeremyCorbyn - from the UK, the current Labour Party leader.

@IamJohnOliver - because perspective and humor matter.

@StephenAtHome - Colbert with a touch of humor.

Okay, that's a start. Hopefully folks will add more to the comments section - from various points of view. The point here isn't about where you stand, it's about sharing information, finding sources to check and double check what's true and standing up for what you believe in.

You'll notice when you follow someone, you'll be served other people to follow as an option (this is especially true on the mobile app). Slow down and look those over and see if they interest you. It's super easy to follow and unfollow.

ALSO, one last important tip: drill down. Don't accept the tweet at face value, If it's a retweet, drill down to the source. In all cases, check the link (another reason mobile is better because less chance of getting a virus). Your goal is to get to the source and then evaluate if it for truth.

Post more good stuff below. #helpAmericansthinkagain

Teen Driving: How We Shot Ourselves in the Head in California

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Sun, 13 Sep 2015 19:38:00 +0000

At some point - and I could go figure out when this happened but it pretty much doesn't matter - at some point we took Driver's Education out of our schools. Stupidest move ever.

If you aren't aware, here's how our kids learn to drive today.

1. They take an online course to get a certificate. This is a joke because it can be gamed and passed really easily. So the only kids learning at this point are the ones who are earnest and naive.

2. They study for their learner's permit, this is the written test at the DMV. Again. super easy. There are so many videos and online tests you are really in trouble if you can't memorize enough to pass the test.

3. Immediately, upon obtaining the learner's permit, they have to take one hour (of six hours total!) of driving instruction from a licensed driving instructor. After their first hour, they can start driving with you, their licensed adult over age 25.

4. They drive with you - or a reasonable facsimile. (There's a whole blog here to be written about who gets to drive with the learner based on temperament, skill and tolerance for anxiety and bickering. Pisces were born for the job. For everyone else, this is why we drink.)

Step 4 is very important and here's why. You know when you scream asshole at that person who blew through the yield sign causing you to slam on your brakes? Or the sonofabitch who cut you off on the freeway after they tailgated you for the last three miles? Or dipshit who thinks 30 miles per hour is too fast and so they serve as an illegal pace car for everyone else. Or the person who is on their phone or eating or doing their make-up or parked badly or .... you get the point. THAT's who's teaching our next generation to drive. Seriously. Bad drivers are responsible for future drivers. Think about that.

5. They log five more hours with their professional driving teacher. We supposedly had the best person from the shabby mix in Santa Cruz. Her advice, "Katie should park closer to the curb." She also told my kid I had painted my license plate so traffic cameras couldn't record my information. Um yeah, no. They are just old. Why would she say something so stupid? She also said don't go to the Watsonville DMV - more bad advice. They turnsed out to be the nicest people at the most positive DMV I've ever been to! I love those people (and I've been back with another kid and just as nice)!

6. They take their driving test. And an amazing amount of them are passing on first try. It's an eight minute test; typically with one "gotcha" that we all know about because we talk to the people who've recently taken the test. And there you go. Instant driver.

Only here's the thing. This is so stupid.

They have no common understanding. In the olden days, when we had driver's ed, we all learned the same things. We all knew the rules, the consequences and there was agreement among all teens on how things worked. That's just gone. Gone, gone, gone.

Now their skills depend now on how parents interpret the rules. Kids are 100% learning by example so if you use your cell in the car, guess that they do. If you swear at other drivers (oops, me), guess what they do. That tailgating that's your bad habit? It's theirs too. They can't even support each other because they don't have a common understanding.

They have no collective sense of consequences. They all have heard us tell them what can go wrong, but I'm convinced their sense of immortality causes them to dismiss it as soon as they hear it. But remember when we watched hours of car wrecks and stupidity - together - so at least it was recorded in our brains? They get none of that. We attended a workshop put on by the CHP - it was good - but I could see it just wash over the kids. Because they only saw it once; in one 90 minute class.

Adaptation to change is left to our interpretation. I'm convinced driving is harder today than its ever been and as adults, we've adapted accordingly (but not uniformly or with any training). More cars. More poorly trained drivers. Complex dashboards, Cell phones. I don't think we've done a great job but at least we have driving experience on our side. These kids could actually use four months of class time to understand all this complexity, and instead, we've eliminated it.

And then there's the gift of provisional driving. They aren't supposed to drive with other kids for the first year of their license. This is a corollary misdemeanor from what I can figure out. Corollary because they aren't stopped for having kids in the car. They have to be stopped for some other offense and then get cited for the provisional driver violation. I think some lawmaker thought this law would cut down on teen accidents. Maybe it has (you can review the study - it honestly looks like too many variables are co-mingled to really get to an answer).

The truth is - at night, I want my daughter to have someone else with her when she drives. I like the extra pair of eyes on the road and a buddy to keep her safe as she walks to the football game or store.I spent a lot of time letting her drive with friends in the car during permit time because I wanted her to learn how to ignore them and focus on driving. Fingers crossed she grokked it.

So what's my recommendation?

We need to put drivers ed back in school. I can't figure out why our insurance companies aren't paying for this (if we want to play follow the money). They have the means and it would save them big bucks ultimately to have these kids all on the same page.

Then I say keep the provisional driver stuff but allow one other person in the car because we might actually get more compliance. Teens don't do stuff alone. Make a law that instantly turns them into violators is nuts.

Finally - and I know this will shock everyone - when a teen goes through drivers ed, use that time to refresh parent's driving skills (maybe they get $50 discount on insurance for attending a refresher course). We will still be sitting next to them during the permit months. Wouldn't it be good if we were reminded of all the things we've forgotten since we started driving? Who goes first at a four-way stop? Are you allowed to pass a bicyclist on the right if you have to cross a double yellow on the left? Can you have liquor in the car if you aren't drinking it?

I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this topic. It's been a hot button for me. Please let me know what you think!

The Joys of Midlife: A Kid that Can Drive and Three Things…

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Sat, 12 Sep 2015 23:01:00 +0000

Goldie was a great car. Thanks for the love!

Katie is finally a junior and this summer she got her license. That means I don’t have to drive her around anymore. That means I am free. The result, I’m trying new things and having so adult fun once again. And, in my 53^rd year, I’ve discovered three things that are keeping me very happy.

What is the secret you ask? Why let me share. My three things.

1. Improv. I started in January at a Saturday drop in class at the Broadway Playhouse in Santa Cruz. Offered by The Fun Institute (that’s Santa Cruz code for Cliffordand Dixie), I met a great group of adults who come together to play and fail publicly (and with conviction dammit – go hard!). The experience had been great.

Since starting the class, I’ve attended a number of workshops and an on-going practice group that’s invited me to be in my first public performance (coming this November). The best thing I have learned from improv is saying “yes”. I’ll have more to say about this soon – but just know saying “yes” is probably one of the coolest things you can do – for anyone including yourself.

2. Medical marijuana.Like any 50 year old woman, I have my fair share of anxiety and trouble falling asleep. There’s nothing more coveted than a worry free night a pure slumber. And yet, it’s often illusive for so many reasons. I have the kids to thank (blame) for trying this next generation of marijuana. I have to stay, it’samazing.

With just a tiny edible, I can get a good night’s sleep, or, if I take CBD, my brain stays clear but anxiety fades away. Perfect for non-profit board meetings. I mean you just don’t care with some CBD on-board. It makes collaboration a breeze and because you don’t care, you aren’t likely to sign up for some dumb committee. I encourage you to go get your cannabis card and throw your prescriptions away.

3. Heated car seats.Until April 15^th, I was driving a 2003 Honda CR-V. Great car but it started to fall apart on during Spring Break as we traveled to the Grand Canyon. Katie was supposed to drive her when she got her license, but we both came home knowing it was time for Goldie (our name for her) to move on.

I impulsively bought a 2008 BMX X3 and it has heated seats! These have changed my life. I can get in the car, after a long day working at the computer, drive to the store with the air conditioning on and my seat on high. Suddenly the seat radiates heat into my back and butt, relaxing my muscles and making me feel oh-so-good.

I’m starting to realize what this second half of life is all about. Being chill. Trying new things. Not moving with urgency but instead bumbling and fumbling along, laughing and taking time because that’s the one thing we can’t see to get more of.

Someone Get Me a Xanax, It's Finals Time

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Wed, 11 Jun 2014 18:31:00 +0000

On Friday she was barfing her guts out with 24 hour flu;
the bucket's still there but now it appears papers are
what's been barfed out. What a way to study!

I think the greatest testament to the first year of high school is the fact that I haven't blogged about it since November 1st.

This year went by at times painfully slow and on whole, remarkably fast. Today is the first day of finals (first semester finals were a joke but that's for another blog), so today is the first "real" final for biology. And I am a wreck.

I know it's not about me.

I don't have to take the darn test. But the Herculean effort I have put in to helping this kid learn how to learn all year long is coming down to two days: today and tomorrow. And this morning's breakfast is still a rock in my stomach until 12:20 when I see Katie to hand her her yearbook (that she forgot this morning) and look at her face to see if she survived - oh, and maybe got a passing grade (because seriously, I do NOT want to do this over again).

Oh there's so much to share about freshman year and now that it's coming to a close, I think I will have time to reflect, record and release (you knew I had to find another "r" word because school is all about the three "r's" isn't it?).

So for now, this blog will serve as my faux Xanax as I wait for word and get ready for tomorrow's second mad dash to her math final (thankfully English isn't having one - first time that horrible teacher has done something good!).

And then I will start a list of blog topics: How I Survived Her Freshman Year.

UPDATE: I got an excited text from her that she got 100% on her lab book - her choice to focus on that last night was a good one - and she thought the final wasn't that bad. She's off the lunch with friends before sweating the math final tomorrow. Whew. One down, one to go!

Just Got Off the Bus in Times Square

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Fri, 01 Nov 2013 21:10:00 +0000

You can't have her, she's alllll mine....

A good friend of mine remembers his adolescence amazingly well.

As I described to him the changes going on with my 14 year old daughter, a freshman in high school, he said, "It's like she just got off the bus in the middle of Times Square. She is so overwhelmed having to adapt to these new surroundings - learning the language, how to dress, what music to listen to, where to go, how to be, noticing what the older kids are doing - her brain is over flowing."

His recollection and description truly helped me. Before he explained this to me, I really couldn't grasp how she could sit down to eat and keep forgetting to get a fork. Seriously - she's been eating since - well forever! The fork is now a hard thing to remember? Yes, he helped me understand. But it doesn't change the fact that I feel like Jekyll and Hyde living in two very opposite emotional states of mind.

I want to shoot her.

She has been brain dead at home. Worst grades ever. No ability to string two thoughts together. If I ask, "What's your plan?" she looks at me like I am speaking French - no wait, something far less interesting - like I am speaking whale. Or like those teachers on Charlie Brown.

"Mom, I want to live in the moment," she says clarifying as she heads back to her bathroom to make yet another cosmetic adjust. Fifty-year-olds don't spend this much time on their faces. My god.

"That's fine honey when they are all your moments, but in the case, you need me to drive, get food and frankly put my life on hold while you figure things out," I say while I am often picking up another pair of her shoes (not co-located) or moving her crap off the table an into a single location.

And thus the battle begins. No matter how hard I try to eliminate any challenges, just simple communication seems to be impossible. And she's explained to me it's perfectly normal: all her friends hate their parents. Gee, awesome. Let me run right out and get the special yogurt you want.

I am missing the crap out of her.

My friends theorize since I am a single mom, it's probably harder for me than most. But I don't think that's it. I've busy and fairly fulfilled - I've been working like crazy and I am blessed to have a fantastic, diverse group of friends.

No, I think it's because she and I actually got along really well and liked each other's company. I always counted my blessings I got a kid that liked to do what I liked to do (wasn't the case with me and my mom - she was an orange and I was an apple...well, actually she was more of a banana). I miss the time I would spend with her getting into mischief - even if her friends were along for the ride.

Just keep swimming.

So here we are.I'm 90% sure I haven't changed on iota since September 1st. Yet little miss NYC is caught in the swirl of emerging adulthood and is fifty shades of different: excited and overwhelmed in the middle of Times Square. Please tell me I'm not just a pigeon on the sidewalk trying to avoid all those feet.

This too shall pass. Right?

So That Happened: Workshop at the Santa Cruz Resource Center for Nonviolence

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Sun, 04 Aug 2013 02:18:00 +0000

Last Monday Katie started a week of Crunchy Camp - that was her nickname for the workshop she was attending at the Resource Center for Nonviolence called Exploring Your Social Justice Community.

She really enjoyed herself. It turns out it wasn't a youth workshop (that's on me, I misread the description) so she was with adults and college students. There was only one other high school student there. But that was okay. She said the other participants were great people; really interesting and different from the folks she runs into every day.

At the end of the week, there was an exhibit at the Santa Cruz Museum of Modern Art (the MAH) featuring the collaboration projects they worked on during the week. The photos from the event are below. I was kind of surprised and a little impressed. They covered a range of topics and it was fun seeing photos of Katie and crew throughout the week's events.

A pic of the gang during the workshop.

The good news is the workshop absolutely pushed her thinking. I got a kick out of hearing about her days and the things that happened that she didn't expect or understand. Unbeknownst to her, I kept a little diary of her comments and observations and thought I would turn them into a quick list of things I learned by sending her to the workshop. I hope you enjoy!

Consensus can lead to missed opportunity.

Katie was stymied by how many times the group had to reach consensus to decide something. The one that really chapped her was the discussion about whether or not they should break early for lunch. As Katie noted, the joke was on them because after trying to reach consensus, the opportunity had passed.

Corollary: Pacifists need hierarchy.
Decisions need to be made, someone needs to be in charge and things need to get moving. Katie's way more patient than I am about these things so for her to notice and be bothered by it means it was "noticeable". One thing about those fascists, I doubt there's a lot of time wasted on who's telling whom what to do!

Don't ever tell your grandmother something shocking while at Whole Foods.
I really wish this was on video. While getting dinner at Whole Foods, with my mom, Katie says rather loudly, "I think I'm a Republican." To which my mom gasps, then screams "WHAT?!" and nearly falls over. Right there in front of the pizza guy. It. Was. Priceless.

How can gender be unclear?
Katie is super close friends with a transgender boy (I even help them with their blog). They've been friends through their childhood and she was with him through transition. But on gender day, when the discussion turned to individuals who don't identify with one gender or another, this stopped her in her tracks. "I get someone identifies male or female, but how can it be both?," she asked. Clearly there's more to be explored here.

Lettuce leaves aren't salad.
The workshop provided lunch every day. Katie can do vegetarian pretty well (hey - way better than I can) but she ran into some more exotic foods than she's ever seen around here (or on her travels for that matter). But the thing that really slayed her was the bowl of lettuce leaves at the Life Lab Garden at UCSC that was marketed as salad. "Leaves are not salad," she stated emphatically. Duly noted.

Free first Friday at the Museum.

Things we can do as humans to create change.

Pic of Katie hanging from the tree.

Some thinking tree.

The pic and the pictured!

One of my soapbox issues: rape culture.

Assembled art piece.

Front of her collage.

Back of her collage.

I think this is from the gender discussion.

Slide show with more photos.

Not sure if I like this - she already questions authority.

Yep, that's the group sign! Outside the exhibit room at MAH.

What if Alex P Keaton Attended a Nonviolence Workshop in Santa Cruz?

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Mon, 29 Jul 2013 04:41:00 +0000

Alex and Katie: Separated at Birth?

Now that Katie's home from her last great adventure (and has clearly slept more than any Koala Down Under), it's time for her to re-engage with humanity in a constructive way.

Tomorrow she starts a week of learning about social justice at a student workshop called Exploring Your Social Justice Community. This is sponsored by the Resource Center for Nonviolence in Santa Cruz. It's just the kind of thing you'd expect from Santa Cruz!

If you aren't familiar with us, we'll we're kind of known for our liberal slant especially when it comes to individual freedom. So I'm expecting Katie will get a fairly biased indoctrination this week.

Update: Wanna know just how liberal this community is? This should make you chuckle.

But that's where the fun begins.

They say kids are often mouthpieces for their parent's politics but that is seldom the case in our house. While she does share my opinions on civil rights, she's often the Alex P. Keaton around here arguing with me, my mom and anyone else who isn't a moderate conservative! I don't think these workshop people know what they are in for.

I've coached Katie to listen. Even if she disagrees. If she's truly interested in a career in diplomacy, I explained, she has to be open to other points of view and to understand the rationale behind that point. That's the only way she can influence people and help them see her point of view.

So we'll see how this goes. I promise an update as the week draws to a close. I'll try to capture little pieces of insights and learning along the way. At a minimum, at least she'll have something to do this week!

Update! Here's what happened!

It's True, I Love Stealing Other People's Children

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Tue, 16 Jul 2013 04:15:00 +0000

It was so easy.

All I had to do to lure them away was send them a text. And then they were mine!

Much to Katie's chagrin - she really can't complain, she's off storming the South Pacific with People to People - I swiped her friends and took them to a food fest at the Second Harvest Food Bank in Watsonville.

My glorious partners in crime, Emelia and Eva, are Katie's friends and they are wonderful, fun and appreciative. They accompanied me to the event to learn more about the food bank and the local service organizations and foods we have in Santa Cruz County.

Free Food at the Food Bank!

We got there to find a great spread - lunch! I wish I could remember which group made the food. It was tasty. Enchiladas, salad and if you look, that's a tri-tip sandwich on Eva's plate.

It was sunny and warm and it was fun to feast with the girls and dish about my daughter! Well not exclusively, but there was a little gossip about her flirting with some boys in New Zealand. I hadn't heard that story. It was so good to get the "deets" (that's slang for details if you aren't hip - it's probably actually old-school slang at this point).

After lunch Bly, pictured on the right, gave us a personal tour of the food bank. We started in the offices learning about their marketing efforts like The Waiters Race organized by Soif Wine Bar owner Patrice Boyle to celebrate the French holiday Bastille Day and raise money for the Watsonville-based charity Second Harvest Food Bank.

We rounded the corner and found the sign (right) that noted half the people served by the food bank are children. That one hit home for all three of us. We also saw this huge whiteboard that lists where food is being delivered and when. It's a two week window of outreach that extends all over Santa Cruz County. Very impressive and real.

The warehouse was next and thanks to a great Capital Campaign, the bank has racks now to stack the food that's donated from many places. It's rather amazing to see stacks and stacks of donated food. One of the girls said it felt like a "Costco for good." Couldn't agree more. We passed by strawberries donated by Driscoll's and Happy Boy Farms tomatoes and more.

We ended looking at the inside of a box of food that's delivered to families based on the donations given in those food bins that show up at the holidays all over Santa Cruz County. In the photo on the left that says Food Drive, you see what a family might get. I saw two cans of anchovies and it took me a minute to force down my gag reflex. They are so gross to me. Then I realized, if I was hungry, that would be food and I would be grateful. I am grateful that I am not that hungry and don't have to rely on Sardines. Very, very grateful.

We walked outside to find Sam Farr talking with the gathering about his support of the Food Bank. When I snapped the photo, he was surrounded by Plantronics Interns who always seems to be on hand to help out at these events (wow).

Before we left, we visited the various booths set up around the event featuring local growers and plenty of great produce. I buried myself in raspberries - like gold at the store and I could have as many as I wanted! - and the girls tasted tomatoes, apples, strawberries and more.

They gave us bags and we were invited to take home produce. We all left with lots of fresh goodies from organic carrots and radishes to home grown plums, apples and berries.

The girls expressed interest in volunteering sometime soon; maybe to sort food. I was glad to have the chance to share such a good time with them. They were terrific company and made me miss my daughter just a little bit less.

Stealing kids is totally worthwhile - as long as their parents agree! I just hope Katie won't kill me when she gets home!

Wow - Just Changed the Blog Title to "It's High School"

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 04:28:00 +0000

First day and last day of school. Damn.

Hard to believe the time has come.

Middle school graduation was last week - I can't believe how much this kid changed in one year. Who knew eighth grade would mark such significant developments. For a kid who really had one friend in middle school, she ended with a posse! In fact, her great milestone, a zillion signatures in her yearbook - compared to last year which only had signatures on one page.

Katie considers this to be her greatest 8th grade achievement. I can't say she's wrong. She did great academically but thankfully that's never been that hard for her. But making new friends, that's proven to be much more of a challenge. She likes kids who are savvy and interesting and willing to try new things. She's not interested in stoners or followers or people who have no imagination.

She's off and running and I find that I am the one left facing a bit of "development."

When I brought Katie home from the hospital, swear to God, the very first week, I cried like a fool telling everyone that she was going to leave me and go to college. I'll be damned, I was right! But the leaving is starting now. All this time I wanted her to have friends but I didn't realize that meant I would be back on my own again.

Oh sure, I see her sometimes, but even as I write this she's in her room, on the phone or texting. She has been out all day on a bike ride (and an early dinner - what 13 year old says that? "Hey mom, we are heading out for an 'early dinner' on the wharf!"). I have been home working and then cooked (well, burned) myself dinner and dove into a Stephen King book (Under the Dome - why did I think I could read 1074 pages before the series starts this week?).

Anyway, this early empty nest thing isn't going so well for me. I am truly having a hard time. I know I'm in the final countdown. Four years of high school is going to fly by. I'm clear. It's time I get back to having a life, doing things with my friends, maybe watch a movie. The feeling is so uncomfortable and lonely. I miss that wonderful pre-teen who used to hang out with me.

But I'm proud of her too. This is what's she's supposed to be doing right? Growing up. Being independent. Taking responsibility for her own life.

So we begin. The last four years. This is high school.

LTS is the YOLO for the Over Forty Crowd

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Sat, 01 Jun 2013 17:30:00 +0000

I think his nickname is OJ...just sayin'...

If you have been living under a rock or simply been too busy working or listening to the kids squabble, you could have missed YOLO. (You can watch this Jimmy Kimmel video to help you feel better about being so out of touch).

It’s the current excuse to do anything that you would normally not do if you were using judgement. You Only Live Once is what YOLO means and the internets are loaded with videos of youngsters pushing the envelope to prove they’ve got what it takes to YOLO (great POV video here: warning, he uses adult language to make his point).

I suppose the upside of YOLO is it pushes you to step out of your comfort zone. And that push doesn’t have to be toward the negative.

But what if you are over forty?

Of course we YOLOed (I’m not sure how well that works as a verb). Except back then we called it partying or the walk of shame or spring break. Whatever the name, it was stupid, reckless and in the past. Thankfully we are still around to talk about it - although it seems many of you have selectively forgotten your YOLO days when it comes to your kids. Maybe a view stories from your past might serve as a cautionary tale for your teens and up your "coolness factor" at the same time?

But that's not what this is about. It's about a new acronym that I find myself using a lot lately probably because I am older and I have changed my point of view: LTS. Alright, it's not really an acronym but I was trying to work some parallel structure into the story.

Life’s Too Short.

It has become my mantra and in some ways, my salvation. It really comes from getting older because it's not until a good friend gets sick, or you lose someone you care about, or your own body doesn't work the way it was supposed to, that you realize, life really is too short! Suddenly you want to grab every moment and make it last longer. And the tolerance for trivia goes right out the door.

Relying on "life's too short" can be dangerous and perceived as meaning you don't care. This first batch of examples have a hint of that intention.

Hey Jen, can you help with the dance committee? Me: No, sorry, my client load is really big right now (and life's too short to sit on yet another committee of adults parsing snacks and streamers).

Oh Jen, you really should read this new self-help book. It's amazing and discusses the history of man's struggle with pathos, ethos and parapsychology! Me: Wow, sounds fantastic, I'll check it out (never because life's too short to read yet another convoluted self-help book).

Okay - those are easy. They are kind of sassy and trite and I think we all do them. But then there are the hard ones. The ones that require me to step up, take the higher road and move toward the greater good. And these are the ones I wish everyone would consider. They go something like this:

I am stressed out on a deadline and Katie walks in the door with lots to tell me about her day. I might might be tempted to say a short "hello" and then scramble back to work but. Instead I choose to sit down, relax and have a nice talk with her. Because life's too short to let these moments slip by - she'll be in college before I know it and I will never get this time back.

I know I'm going to a meeting with a few people who rub me the wrong way. In a perfect world, I'd avoid it, but instead, I employ my new saying and I show up AND I greet everyone and relax into letting it all happen because, life's too short to let the discomfort get me down.

I pay my money and take the time to do something cool - a meal at a restaurant, a movie, a special event - and I sit down and start to panic about all the things I should be doing that are more important that what I am doing. Then I smack myself in the head (internally) and realize life's too short to not enjoy this moment right now; and not being present to enjoy it is the new walk of shame.

What do you think? Are you having this epiphany too?

I have a good friend who shares my passion for this way of thinking. We are starting a business together and I am ever so grateful that this is her position. It creates a safe environment for disagreement and aligns us on the things that matter most: doing our best, enjoying the process and being delighted about the outcome - whatever that maybe.

Here's to a great life regardless of how long it lasts!

Middle School is Almost Over - We Made It Through the Wilderness

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Sat, 18 May 2013 17:31:00 +0000

First Day of Middle School
I'm so lucky. I have a fairly uncomplicated kid.

Now that middle school is finally coming to an end, I realized what we really went through in the last three years. For anyone just starting out: hang in there - what comes out on the other end is totally worth it.

From Home School Back to Public School

When Katie started sixth grade, fresh out of home school, she didn't really have any friends. She bravely sat through first lunch week after week, alone. After awhile it did get to her. She admitted it was hard. Eventually, she finally met a friend and while it wasn't perfect, it was good. Her friend was smart and shared interests and finally there was someone for Katie to hang with at lunch.

Fast-forward to the spring semester of eighth grade and Katie is now on fire. That one friend got her through the winter of this year and then finally, like a curtain raised, all the girls who I would say aren't the "popular ones"; the girls that are more introverted finally found each other.

Katie has a "posse"!
The kids are good kids and they have all emerged from the middle school dessert as new people. They readily admit they feel different. More ready to take on the world. To hangout and try new things. It's clear Katie's natural leadership qualities has been the fuel to get these kids together, but they also had to be ready. And they are!

The big ice-breaker was a girl/boy bonfire at our house. At first they only wanted to plan it for two hours because everyone said they needed to get home. I quietly (ahem, I'm sure I was quiet about it), I quietly jumped in and suggested to Katie that really what was behind this rather crazy time constraint was social anxiety. She admitted I may have had a point.

The get together started at 6pm at our house. A few people were late, there was much texting and then the pizzas arrived. I went and hid in my bedroom and let the good times roll. With no effort they found their rhythm and had a great time. As it neared 11pm and I had to tell them it was time to go home and they were so sad! But I was relieved. These kids had no problems. They were awesome (they even left the house clean).

There's hope!

So what I am saying is if you are living the middle school years, there's hope. Don't freak. The boys are complete idiots in sixth grade (I was assured by a teacher friend, this is expected) and they are just now getting it together. It absolutely correlates to testosterone. The late bloomers are still struggling. The girls are either incredibly socially competent as they enter sixth grade or they go into a kind of torpor that they will come out of as the days get longer in eighth grade. At least that's what I observed.

I'd love to hear your experiences. It's sad enough to remember our own middle school years - I was not popular but played consigliere to the popular girls. So much drama. Now it's our turn to watch. What are you seeing?

I can hardly wait for high school!

A night of fun with the bonfire.

Shopping with the posse.

Every Body Eats! Unleashing Katie's Passion for Learning

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 18:39:00 +0000

Yeah, it sounds nuts. What the heck am I talking about?

When I learned a long time ago that neuron connections are vital for a rich, healthy brain, it became my focus. I wanted to make sure that when I took information, I was building new connections and hopefully improving my ability to retain what I was learning.

"More neurons equate to a more complex organism. A central preoccupation of neuroscience is deducing the way billions of neurons produce the human mind." from 100 Trillion Connections

Ever since I walk around trying to take in new information and relate it to existing information hoping to connect and cement that new knowledge into my internal database. It seems to have worked for me and became my top priority for raising my kid. Build her neuron connections.

I have been less interested in what she learns than how she's learning it. Whenever there's been an opportunity to stop the conversation and relate the content to other things, I've done it. That "pause" button on our TiVo remote is the most-used button the dang thing. No show goes unpaused. We are always stopping to analyze, debate, question, relate and even fact-check the information that's coming our way.

And last night, I got to see some of the fruits of my labors!

We attended Every Body Eats with a panel of guests and food expert, Michael Pollan. The venue was packed and warm and based on discussion; not the kind of event a 13 year old puts high on her list. I had no idea how the night was going for her while we were there but boy did I find out when I got home!

Katie blasted in the house at 9pm saying she needed to finish watching a video she has started on nutrition that is part of her science fair project. Okay, I said, go ahead. The next thing I knew she was asking me about details of the talk - Monsanto, DuPont, more about corn and GMO corn, nutrients - and I just kind of watched it unfold.

"Mom, tonight was totally about my project!" she exclaimed about 20 minutes later. She was suddenly synthesizing information in new ways and I was watching her connect information from different sources and getting how they related or conflicted with what she was thinking. I didn't realize it but she was putting together the information that supported her hypothesis for the Science Fair and she was so excited.

I have loved watching her grow over the years.

Not just the obvious ways but how reading and math provided the foundation for learning more complex concepts. How she has been able to move from me helping her with home work to finding help online and with her peers. And now how she is taking responsibility for learning what she will not be taught in any formal way. That kind of learning many of us still pursue when something grabs our interest.

Her new holy grail: contributing to the body of knowledge. We'll see how that goes. In the meantime, this is so fun. She's helping me build new neuron connections!

It's Grassroots Baby - One Otter at a Time! Join the campaign!

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Tue, 16 Oct 2012 21:20:00 +0000

Um, yeah. Katie pretending to be a fish. Don't ask.

I am a fan of Kickstarter.

If you don't know about this organization yet, you owe it to yourself to learn more. It's a giant portal that hosts projects asking for donations from folks from all over. I have helped three projects so far and I love the process. It's grassroots, personal and powerful.

An organization puts their "ask" together, makes their case and sets a goal. Funders - like you and me - pledge a donation and if they make their target in pledges, we are all in. We pay. If it doesn't happen, the organization regroups and figures out their next steps. It's entrepreneurial, high energy and a lot of fun. It's a cool way to be "in" on a project without having to do a lot of work.

Which brings me to my "ask". Please consider a donation: it's all about the otters.

Those are the otters down there. You can't see them all.

Living in Santa Cruz, a favorite hangout is Moss Landing, just a few miles down the road. It's a marine sanctuary (and part of the Monterey Bay) and there you'll find so many birds, fish and animals you know you are someplace special. There the otters grow huge and they are hilarious as they spend their day eating, grooming and raising their families. But they are also in danger.

So imagine my delight when I saw this awesome Kickstarter project on a local Facebook page: Otter 501.

Your pledge will help the team continue their mission of environmental education. This is exactly the kind of outreach that has whet Katie's interest in life sciences. Now that she's in 8th grade, I can't tell you how proud I am of her interest in the environment, biology and pursuing her education in a way that might lead to a career in research. I truly believe living in Santa Cruz County and having access to such amazing resources partly responsible.

Please consider a pledge to this worthwhile cause. You only pledge what you can afford.

I pledged $300 so I could get the presentation brought to Shoreline Middle School here in the Live Oak District. I want the message to reach as many kids as possible! I am hoping this Kickstarter Project is funded because I can't wait to see this film with the kids from Shoreline.

Here's how you can learn more.

They are so fat and happy here in the harbor. We love watching them.

Blog Action Day 2012 - The Power of We is the Key to Successful Parenting

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Mon, 15 Oct 2012 07:01:00 +0000

There is nothing that rings more true for a single mom.

I chose to be a single mom. When I wasn't married at 34 - and there were no prospects on the horizon - I decided I would go ahead and have a kid using a sperm donor. I also knew I would be on my own raising my child and I decided early on that my journey would embrace anyone who wanted to participate.

The Power of We

became a rallying cry for me. I found a care provider for Katie who had worked in early childhood development and taught me ways to parent and guide her (in particular about the RIE method* that has helped me with Katie and so many other children).

The Power of We

was a promise my old college roommate, Sandra, made when she jumped in and helped me when Katie got colicky. She'd walk in to check on my around 6pm every day and I could walk out and get some fresh air and a break. Thirteen years later Sandra is still very involved in Katie's life providing a welcome respite from a driving mother (me) offering different energy and an fantastic extended family (she's Creole with six sisters and a zillion relatives).

The Power of We

brought my mom and me together around a common goal as she taught me to master all the operational issues associated with being a mom - from feeding to sleeping to mastering the bath. Over the years I have called her with every kind of problem looking for advice or just a shoulder to lean on.

The Power of We

is just another way of saying "It Takes a Village" and anyone who has raised a child knows you really, truly don't do it alone. It takes an orchestra of teachers, coaches, friends, family, and so many more that provide guidance, direction, inspiration and correction to both you and your child as they grow.

The Power of Weis what I teach Katie now that she's old enough to start giving back. It started with her friends and teaching her how to listen and offer support and help. It moved into taking action in the community with Girl Scouts and the Second Harvest Food Bank. And now I am seeing her consider "the greater good" as she thinks through ideas for her science project or thinks about what she might want to do with her life.

In a world where so many want to emphasize individual achievement and rugged individualism, I believe The Power of We is our hope for the future. Not to sound too "Obama" about this, I truly wouldn't be where I am today without the support of my family, friends and community.

That is The Power of We.

*Interesting, I did RIE with Katie nearly 12 years ago and loved it. I always told Katie what I was going to do with her before I did it and I still do it today. Even as an adult, there's nothing I hate more than one someone tries to make me do something without a heads-up. No wonder kids always scream when someone shoves a Kleenex in their face without warning! In searching for a link to REI now, I see that somewhere mid-2000's, it became a "fad." Whatever you read, know you can adapt REI to fit what works for you. It's the intentions that are meaningful.

The College Solution: Our Fantastic Evening with Lynn O'Shaughnessy

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Wed, 10 Oct 2012 18:59:00 +0000

We attended one the best events about college finance and planning last night at Santa Cruz High School.

Steven Shapiro (who I met with privately) had told me I needed to go and he was right. Lynn O'Shaughnessy was amazing. While Katie started to wear out, I think I could have stayed for another two hours. The information was that good and her speaking style was fantastic.

I'll do my best to share the highlights - which is to say those things that I took notes on. I think it's safe to say subscribing to her blog and buying her book The College Solution are two good bets. I believe almost everything I heard is in her blog or book in one way or another.

The big takeaways:

Know your kid. Think carefully about what colleges will work best for your child. Big schools aren't personal and don't necessarily guarantee and education. Smaller schools are focused on teaching, have smaller class sizes and more access to instructors.

Financial aid is accessible for nearly everyone. You just have to know how to be a good consumer. I believe this is where her book/blog can really help. She has so many insights on how to approach aid. Oh yeah, and those sports scholarships everyone thinks exist, the really don't. 2%. That's how many kids get sports scholarships. But there are a ton of schools that give merit-based aid.

Where you go to school doesn't determine career success. She cited studies that compared Ivy League kids with non-Ivy League and the biggest predictor of success is the nature of the child, not where they went to school. Duh. It also doesn't affect grad school. Here's her write up from a study on where kids who go to Harvard Law did their undergrad work.

She spit out a ton of websites that can help you figure out costs, search colleges, even help kids figure out how they rank against their peers and their chances of getting into specific colleges. I found this blog post from Lynn that lists most of what she shared with us. She's screened the (apparently there are tons more) and she likes the ones she's listed and spells out her caveats.

She recommended two more books:

Colleges that Change Lives which talks about the value of smaller schools. It was interesting to hear her talk about this because I went to USC for one semester as a freshman in 1980 and I HATED it. I was so miserable. I was lost in a sea of students with no access to my professors, teaching assistants that barely spoke English and no personal experience at all. I transferred to UC Davis where I fell in love with school, my major was small and intimate (Rhetoric) and even my minor in Psych which was much larger, was still close and inviting. Big schools can really be a challenge for a kid who needs to feel like they belong.

Students' Guide to Colleges. She really likes this book because the kids actually write up the reviews and provide insight on how things really work, the nature of the professors and much more.

Okay - that's the big picture. Happy to answer questions if you have them. I feel like we can do this now. There's a lot of research to do to find the right schools with the right financial aid packages but at least now I know how to "play the game."

UPDATE: this infographic just came out summarizing student loan debt in the US. Very interesting.

Perspectives on a Memorial: Take Back Santa Cruz for Shannon Collins

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Tue, 15 May 2012 03:45:00 +0000

I just got back from the Take Back Santa Cruz walk to honor the memory of Shannon Collins.

The sound of the bagpipes called us to the corner where she died and marched us through the streets of Santa Cruz to our destination: Camouflage, her store.

There must have been a couple hundred people - I think we stretched for a mile. This horrendous murder hit me kind of hard. The way she was killed - random, violent, horrific - kind of took me back to my dad and stepmom's murder. Both events shared those traits.

The crowd was soothing and peaceful. It's always interesting to walk alone and drift in and out of other people's conversations. Overhearing memories of Shannon, discussions of the crime, talk of being hungry and what a nice day it turned out to be.

I took pictures and just felt at peace. I am happy knowing I live in the kind of place that could come together at such a moment. A few tourists were in town and I explained what was happening. I assured them they were safe and this was a good place to visit. I went to my car to to sit a moment and look at the photos I had taken. I wanted to post them to Instagram and so I had to move my car to get signal. I left the parking garage and parked on River Street across from the pedestrian bridge.

At the base of the footpath, there was a crowd of transients, or homeless, or hobos as my daughter would say (why are kids using that term, it kind of bothers me). They were in an animated discussion about the walk. One man was extremely upset that Take Back Santa Cruz has staged the walk and lamented that now there were going to be attacks on homeless people because of our action. That there had already been an attack (in fact true) and that more were going to happen because of these activists.

I sat there feeling kind of surreal. I had just walked. I want Santa Cruz to be safe. But I had never heard the strident feelings of this crowd before. These men were articulate. They knew what they were talking about and they were clearly concerned that being in Santa Cruz was suddenly going to be harder for them. I have to say I had a hard time feeling compassion for them. If they were bright enough to understand the politics of the situation, I felt like they should be bright enough to conduct themselves in a way that didn't scare or intimidate other people.

If anything, I wish they had been part of the walk.

In an instant, the group disbanded. I don't know if someone broke them up or they could see the police on the way or what happened. They just evaporated all going different directions.

It was a strange evening. A Santa Cruz evening to be perfectly honest. With all sides presenting themselves. With everyone having an opinion.

In the neighborhood on Broadway where the attack happened.

The wonderful bagpipes.

Heading over the San Lorenzo River.

It felt like we stretched a mile long.

Approaching the store, folks fell in to join us.

The crowd grew to envelope the street.

Camouflage was our final destination.

Unlearning Parenting

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 23:26:00 +0000

"Mom, you have to stop," Katie tells me firmly but still calmly. Thank goodness she's patient.

"You know," I said, "I think I am having an epiphany. I need to unlearn how to parent you. I have been doing these things since you were born and now I need to stop doing them. And that's going to be hard."

I went on telling her that from the beginning, I had to anticipate what she was doing, redirect her or tell her what to do almost all the time. From brush your teeth to look both ways and everything in between. As I broke it down - and as she caught on and started thinking of things on her own - we both realized how many things parents do all day to help their kid grow up.

But, as a very smart therapist once taught me, the habits we learn that once served us well, often become bad behaviors when they are no longer needed. This was truly one of those moments. I realized I need to unlearn parenting.

It's super hard.

I am basically trying to break habits that I have worked hard to cultivate to keep Katie safe, to teach her to be a good person, to care for others, to stand on her own. Now I need to shut up because I did my job. She's good. Really good but me telling her what to do now is driving her crazy. And I can see how parents fall into power struggles with their kids at this age - 13 (almost) - because we have been telling them what to do for ages.

But now, it's time to trust them and let them figure it out. They know. Seriously, I know she hears me in her head. My work here is done. If I want to have a relationship with her going forward, I need to stand back and let her go it on her own. Will she screw up? I certainly hope so because that will only positively reinforce my voice in her head.

Of course I'll be there if I see her making big mistakes.

But my approach will be different. Offering her suggestions and alternatives but shutting up in between so she can weigh the options and make her own sound decisions. Oh yeah, and I still have to shut up. Talk less. I tell that to myself all the time. It's horribly difficult. I pride myself on being right. But that doesn't matter. Right this time is backing off and butting out.

We ended our talk with me asking her to be patient with me. That unlearning takes time. That I would totally blow it and tell her to wipe her feet before going inside and to brush her hair before we leave and all the other little things we have done for so long to get to this wonderful place of self-sufficiency.

She promised me she'd cut me some slack. And she told me she'd be happy to start telling me what I needed to do on a regular basis. Sounds lovely.

I hope I don't pitch a fit.

They tell me 50 is the new 30. I don't think so.

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 18:08:00 +0000

I turn 50 tomorrow. I was fine with it until about six months ago went it felt like everything went sideways. My best friend got breast cancer, I got a thyroid infection and suddenly mortality was scarier than any Freddy Kruger movie.

So, being a writer, I had to make a list of 50 things that are bugging me. My 30 versus 50 list. I bet there something on here that might resonate for you - and it if doesn't, you're not 50 yet!

Please! Comment with your 30 vs 50 moments. Love to hear them.

	The Old 30	The New 50
1	Examining my face for zits.	Examining my face for old man whiskers.
2	Fish oil for my cat's hairballs.	Fish oil for my heart.
3	Perfectly full eyebrows.	Andy Rooney eyebrows.
4	Avoiding dirty old men.	Flirting with dirty old men.
5	Nursing my colon after a spicy meal.	Prepping my colon for a picture taking adventure.
6	"Are you a Cancer"?	Friends with cancer.
7	Not sleeping because the night is calling!	Not sleeping because monkey brain is calling.
8	Hitting the clubs at 10pm.	Hitting the sack at 10pm.
9	Where did I park the car?	Where did I put my keys?
10	I totally didn't expect that!	I so knew that was going to happen.
11	Roller coasters are awesome!	Roller coasters mean whiplash.
12	The unexpected missed period (pregnant?!)!	The unexpected missed period (menopause?!)!
13	Friends talking about their hangovers.	Friends talking about their ailments.
14	Getting mail from Planned Parenthood.	Getting mail from AARP.
15	Sobriety tests.	Cholesterol tests.
16	Needing to try everything.	Happy just watching.
17	Fear of falling (drunk).	Fear of falling (bones breaking).
18	Not getting why people like the Grateful Dead.	Not getting why people like Dubstep.
19	Savings account?	Retirement account!
20	Knowing every brand out there cared about us.	Knowing nobody but pharma cares about us.
21	Finding a bra that looks good through clothes.	Finding a bra that helps me look like I have boobs.
22	Having cats because they are cool.	Having cats because they are easy.
23	Getting sun glasses to make me look cool.	Getting reading glasses because I freaking can't see.
24	Sitting in a meeting that is taking forever.	Sitting in bed realizing another week flew by.
25	Planning to buy my first house.	Planning to retire and keep my house.
26	Being a flirt.	Being a cougar.
27	Posing for pictures to hide a double chin.	Posing for pictures to hide my turkey neck.
28	Fear of getting busted for having weed.	Needing weed so I can bust a move.
29	Getting excited about new technology - I am an early adopter!	Getting freaked about new technology - what? I have to learn something new.
30	I got cold because I refused to wear a jacket over my outfit.	I get cold because I got a chill and my huge coat isn't keeping me warm enough.
31	Believing a President could change everything.	Knowing a President can't do a damn thing with a hostile Congress.
32	Getting noticed when I drive around with the car roof down.	Nobody noticing me. At all.
33	My friends wanted to go for drinks.	My friends want to go for coffee.
34	Pulling my hair up to get it out of my face.	Tugging my hair down to try and get some near my face.
35	Trying to figure out all the things I should do before I die.	Trying to figure out if I can pay off my mortgage before I die.
36	Believing in opportunity.	Believing in hard work and a touch of luck.
37	Being called immature.	Being called "ma'am".
38	Loving romantic movies (how sweet!).	Hating romantic movies (that so doesn't happen!).
39	Checking my weight every day.	Checking my blood pressure every day.
40	Missing the happy hour freebies.	Not qualifying for senior citizen discounts yet.
41	Deciding if I should get renters insurance.	Deciding if I should get long term care insurance.
42	Looking forward to Christmas because it was magical.	Dreading Christmas because it comes around too damn fast.
43	Thinking having kids will be so hard.	Thinking having my kid leave for college will be so hard.
44	Waking up at 11am and thinking, just one more hour.	Waking up at 6am and thinking, crap, I gotta pee.
45	Working hard because I am building my business.	Working hard because I need to earn while I can!
46	Buying hair color to cover the bad blonde I chose.	Buying hair color for "gray hair" so I don't look brassy.
47	Saving to buy that thing I really want.	Hustling to give more crap to the Goodwill.
48	Hating change because they way we were doing it was so cool.	Hating change because I just can't adapt that easily.
49	That pain in my chest is heart ache. The jerk.	The pain in my chest might be a heart attack. Crap.
50	Life is just starting to get good!	Life is more than half over.

Holy Crap! I've Turned into a Curmudgeon

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 22:01:00 +0000

Um, no stopping in the red zone! Jeez.

I am way too cool and too hip to be such a dud. I realized, while driving home from dropping off the kid at school, that there's some insane super-ego voice in my head providing a constant narration of what everyone else is doing wrong.

Don't try to hide, I saw you!

On the 2-mile drive this morning, I saw the following violations (in quotes as narrated by the insane voice):

"You are driving way too fast near this school, in the rain. Slow down chump."

"Ha, ha, ha! When you cut through the gas station to try to avoid making a more sensible right turn at the light. Yet you still lose! Too slow!"

"Does your mother know you left the house in just a tee shirt when it's pouring rain outside? Now you are going to be wet all day. How in the world can you learn if you are dripping and cold?"

"Trash cans are supposed to be out of the street within 24 hours of pickup. Now these things are road hazards in this darn rain."

"How can your parents let you ride your bike in the rain? And without a helmet? Is this Darwin's theory at work?"

See? I need to settle down. When did this happen to me?

I am not authoritative by nature. I am proud of my self-actualized existence; righteous in my commitment to acting on principle rather than rule. I can spout Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to explain away much of human behavior. But how do I explain the paradox of seeing myself as being principled but requiring everyone else to follow the damn rules?

I see my reactions playing out in how Katie is looking at the world. She was born an old soul and actually does a pretty good job thinking things through (and questioning authority). Generally, she uses principled reasoning but she can be a rule follower when her friends are around. Being a role model is so hard. I can hear that voice yelling at me to stop screwing her up.

Aww crap. It's time to go pick up the kid.

Do you have this voice in your head? I would love to hear your stories! Comment!

An Open Letter to Team Sports Folks: Please Don't Sacrifice the Virgins!

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 22:30:00 +0000

Did I mention it was 72 degrees outside? It was a nice day!

Katie has never participated on a team sport.

Yep. Totally true. She thought she might do soccer but on the free trial day, she was clobbered in the head and never went back. She kind of likes basketball but not enough to commit. Instead, she's been a dancer and an artist. Now fast forward to sixth grade and sports are happening at middle school. Her friends are on all kinds of teams but still nothing really called her name.

Then I had a great idea: what about softball?

We have a great league with a terrific reputation, plus I could walk while she practiced so we would both be "working out" at the same time. C'mon, I pushed, let's give it a try. She acquiesced. Of course, that's where the story gets interesting.

Our great local league sacrificed a virgin.

It started with the web site. Apart from figuring out how to register, there's no way to know what we are really signing up for! When should I expect practices? When are games? I know they can't commit to exact days and times but a little expectation setting wouldn't hurt. Katie also had to attend a "pre-team selection screening" (my term not theirs). That was scheduled for last Saturday. Fine.

We arrived at the screening and immediately told the folks there that we were virgins: we have never done anything like this before and didn't know what to do. They told Katie to warm-up. Hmmm, what the heck does that mean? Jumping jacks like Jack LaLanne? Throw on a blanket? We didn't recognize a soul, we just looked at each other - lost. Katie was nervous as hell but to her credit, she hung tough. Finally, a woman spotted us struggling and she got Katie involved.

Then the actual "screening" began. Katie got in line and waited to do her first task: fielding a ground ball and then catching at first base. She was able to stop the ground balls just great but disaster hit at first base. Mind you, my daughter has never even held a glove before that day. The only reason she knows anything about softball is because the Giants won the Series and we made her watch every darn game. Otherwise, she knows nothing.

She caught the first ball.

Amazing. She used the glove and managed to catch that first throw. But the second one was well-thrown, fast and hit her full on in her stomach. The whole place gasped. She stood strong, tossed the ball home and walked off the field. Then, very quietly, she started crying because it hurt so badly. I managed to get her off the field and to the car without any fanfare (she was already humiliated, she so didn't want folks to know how badly she was hurt).

I got her home and at that point, I think I was crying harder because I felt so damn guilty. I couldn't believe I put her through that. I couldn't believe they were making someone who had readily admit she sucked, said she was inexperienced, acknowledged she should be "last pick" on the roster, I couldn't believe they would put her through that. To top things off, she got hurt. It was one super-crappy parent moment. Eventually we ate some lunch and Katie started to recover. Then she blew my mind.

"Mom, let's go buy a softball," she said.

"Really?" I looked at her completely shocked. Yep, she wanted to get a ball and head to the school to practice. So we did. We got two used balls, some cleats, went to the school, and started to practice using that glove. I could not have been more pleased with her. And she's still practicing!

So the teams haven't been decided yet and hopefully we'll have a good season and a great "team sports" experience. But officially I implore team sports teams to make space for the virgins! Here's what we need:

On your website or brochure, tell us how things work. About how often are practices? When are games played? Where?
What are the volunteering commitments?
What kind of things does the child need to buy? Uniforms? Shoes? Equipment? What should we NOT buy until we talk to our coach first?
Are novices welcome? And if so, can we get a "pass" on the tryouts because we are likely to get hurt or humiliated in front of our future team members.
Please, please make sure you don't use league code on things regular people read. I don't know what a 12U is - just go ahead and use the extra words so we new folks can understand.

First impressions matter and taking time to help us understand not just the rules but also the culture is so important! We really want to join you and I know you want us.

In the meantime, we'll get ready to play ball!

Out Here in The Middle: Changing America One Parent at a Time

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 00:01:00 +0000

Patricia Heaton as Frankie Heck on ABC's The Middle.

I was extremely moved by the events in Arizona last weekend (and this week). I listened to President Obama's speech, hanging on every word about the incredible people who died and those who survived the brutal attack. And I have been caught up in the national frustration this week of those of us who want everyone to settle down.

"All of us -- we should do everything we can to make sure this country lives up to our children's expectations." - Barack Obama (transcript)

I feel like Patricia Heaton's character, Frankie Heck caught in The Middle. The show often opens with; "out here in The Middle..." referring not just to the middle of our country but also to the great unwashed masses of us who are simply doing our best to live day to day, trying to raise our children with good values with a hope they will be positive contributors to society; so much like those people in Arizona simply attending a political get-together.

I feel like Frankie Heck because I have no idea how to have an impact on my world beyond my small sphere of influence. I don't want people to stop having opinions - I actually love a good debate. But I would like to regain our civility. And I do want us to live up to my daughter's expectations. Just like Frankie who goes out of her way to make sure she's there for Sue's cross country track meet - no matter what she has to sacrifice to do it.

So I wonder, given this situation, what would Frankie do? And I realize, she would look at this situation the same way so many of us would: I need to operate within my sphere of influence. Based on that, I came up with a short list of things I can actually do:

Turn off morning news shows. The network morning shows focus on the vitriol as entertainment. Don't think so? Take a closer look. I want Katie to know about the news, I don't want her to hear pundits and talking heads speculating and sparring. I used to have GMA on in the morning while we got ready. No more.
Stop rewarding bad behavior. I am simply not going to support television people, radio people and others who offer no substance but a lot of hype. I have my list of who they are; you can choose your targets, but either way you slice it they need to be turned off. They don't need to be on in my home. And if enough of us turn them off, they won't sell advertising and maybe, just maybe, they will go away all-together.
I vow to limit my vitriol. Most parenting is modeling. So I am making a concerted effort to monitor my reactions. When I disagree with someone, I am trying not to use a label (eg "that idiot") and focus on explaining why I disagree. I am hoping Katie will learn more about my thought process and less about my extensive "off color" vocabulary.

Obama ended his speech speaking about little Christina who died so tragically last weekend. He spoke of the book being written about the children born on 9/11. He said:

"Christina was given to us on September 11th, 2001, one of 50 babies born that day to be pictured in a book called "Faces of Hope." On either side of her photo in that book were simple wishes for a child's life. "I hope you help those in need," read one. "I hope you know all of the words to the National Anthem and sing it with your hand over your heart. I hope you jump in rain puddles."

If there are rain puddles in heaven, Christina is jumping in them today. And here on Earth, we place our hands over our hearts, and commit ourselves as Americans to forging a country that is forever worthy of her gentle, happy spirit."

My hand is over my heart. I am committed to working toward this goal. I look forward to having you join me - out here in the middle.

***************

Here's something to remind you of connection we share with our children:

What Movies Should Every Kid See for "Cultural Intelligence"

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 21:38:00 +0000

I am talking pop-culture here. Those movies we have all seen that people reference in comedy routines. I am not worried about television right now (I know that's another whole can of worms) but really looking for movies that kids should know about so they can relate to grown-ups!

Post a comment here or tweet it to me @jcarole. I will pull together the list and post it shortly.

Here's what I have so far:

Annie Hall
Breakfast Club
Back to the Future
Caddyshack
Dirty Dancing
Ghost Busters
It's a Wonderful Life
Karate Kid (original)
Rocky Horror Picture Show

What else...? Let me know!

Five Things You Should NOT Ask the Kids This Holiday Season

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 21:52:00 +0000

Yeah, that's a Menorah AND
a Christmas tree. We get around.

Katie was groaning the other day about going to another holiday party. "I don't hate the party mom, I hate all the dumb questions the adults ask me!" she lamented.

I think I am one of those adults!

It's terrifying when you realize you have crossed over to the other side and are now one of the adults asking kids stupid questions. So I thought I would try and make up for the error of my ways and list the top five questions Katie (and her friends) have said are the most dread questions adults are most likely to ask.

On behalf of my college bound young friends, I have also added a bonus question.

When you look at these questions, they really are horrible. They are kind of "dead ends" that leave the child very little room for answering in an interesting way. And as Katie reminds me, making conversation is hard. So maybe we need make a little more effort to help them chat with us in a more meaningful way.

Here are the five things NOT to ask (read the question and then the response that runs through the head of the young person you are talking to!):

1. How's school?
Um, it's fine. What do you want me to say? Anything I have to say that's interesting would require a half hour of previews just to get you up-to-speed. And then you still wouldn't understand.

2. What do you like to study? or What are you studying?

I am 11 [insert age here]. I am studying what the teachers say to study. I don't have a lot of choice here.

3. What do you want to do when you grow up?

Are you serious? Did you know the answer to this question? Don't you listen to the news? There aren't any jobs out there. Things are a mess. And I just have to get through history!

4. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Yes. But I don't want to tell you yes because then you will say something to my parents. Or the flipside: No. Now you know I am a total loser.

5. How is your [insert hobby or sport here] going?
It's fine. I like it, that's why I do it. I get to see my friends and it's the one thing I can do that doesn't involve getting a grade so it's cool. What else can I tell you?

Bonus: Where are you going to college? I don't know; I wish I did. I have lost sleep over this. It's not like I have any control over the situation. I sent in all my apps but don't you know that no one is getting the schools they way anymore and that it's going to cost a fortune and I still have to get through midterms and keep my grades up and do extracurricular activities and not do anything wrong before I can even find out that I didn't get my first choice, my second choice or my safety school?

Now, here are five questions you could ask that may still challenge the young person but might stimulate a bit more conversation:

1. What the best movie/TV show you've seen lately?
And you can follow-up with why. Great ice breaker and will reveal to you what they are interested in. This might require you having a clue about recent movies and television shows.

2. What's something you would change about school this year?
Chances are you'll get a speech about homework, but don't let it end there. Ask why or how they would help kids learn differently.

3. Who is/are your favorite teacher(s)?
Kids have lots of opinions about their teachers and this is likely to lead to a good discussion of who, why and who doesn't make the list.

4. What's the coolest thing you have done with your friends lately?
It's way easier for kids to talk about their friends. As you listen to them talk, you are likely to learn quite a bit about them as well.

5. What are you doing for [insert upcoming holiday here]?
Apparently this question is asked most frequently among the kids so they should be able to come up with an answer for you!

I know there are a million more questions on both the good and bad side. Love to hear your ideas and suggestions.

Happy Holidays!

Ahh Facebook: The Strange (Dangerous?) Case of Tweens Online

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Carole) — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 21:23:00 +0000

Last year, Facebook was all the rage among the fifth grade crowd. Why? Farmville. No more no less - sending Mystery Gifts, planting crops and decorating the farm. Over time, Farmville got old (and they pretty much made it so complicated it's no fun anymore anyway) and the kids got older.

Yeah, I know, they aren't supposed to be on Facebook before age 13.

We parents went along with it because with this generation of kids, we are actually closed involved with their Facebook pages. We are "friends" with them, have their passwords and can monitor content. And it all started out so innocently. And it's a great way for them to have relationships with family members who aren't close to home.

But as the kids have gotten a little older, things have changed. I closely monitor her page to see what her friends are doing.

Many of them are just posting YouTube videos and "fan"ing lame pages like I-Hate-When-My-Mom-Turns-Off-the-TV or Getting-Teachers-To-Tell-Stories-Until-Class-Is-Over. It all seems harmless enough except they are giving all those pages, and contests, and applications and creepy advertisers their personal information with every click. But that's not what worries me.

What does bother me is the public display of growing pains.

We all know being a tween sucks in many ways. You are bouncing back and forth between childhood and adulthood. Your body is going through insane changes and feelings become intensified. There's a great blog focusing on the challenges of parenting and raising a tween. Now that the tweenage drama is playing out on Facebook and I am pulling back big time on Katie's access.

The first thing I noticed was the language. They are starting to talk like grown-ups in a bar or an episode of The League. Raunchy, bad and even racial slurs (apparently Willow Palin isn't alone - not at all).

The second thing was the sexual innuendo. These kids are 11 years old. Most still have bodies that look like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. They don't know anything but they like to play like they do. What 11 year old needs that in their life?

But the last thing was this post: "Today I seriously thought about ending my life. Seriously."

This was from a girl the kids have talked about before mostly because they can't figure her out. I take suicide very seriously and I hope to goodness her mother or friends are monitoring her Facebook. But I don't need my kid caught up in this stuff. And it will catch her - she's a bleeding heart for helping others. Clearly there's more going on here than 11 year olds can deal with.

So yep; this morning I shut down the tween drama.

I didn't remove friends because I didn't want to make it a big deal. I just created White List and put them all on there. Then I changed her privacy settings to allow posts to be viewed by friends but not friends on the White List. Finally, I hid the friends' posts that Katie simply doesn't need to see.

So why keep Facebook at all?

It's a really good way for her to keep in touch with family from around the country and to follow a few things she really cares about including our local marine lab, a couple colleges, her favorite camp, etc. I like her to keep up with what they are doing and it's appropriate content.

How-to White List Friends

First click on Friends on the left nav bar. Then click Edit Friends at the top of the list in the center of the page. Once there, Create a List (name it) and then start putting people on The List.

After that part is done, go to Account on the upper left and choose Privacy Settings. For a kid I highly recommend they are all set to Friends Only. In this case, I Customize Settings for all her public information and added The List cannot see information.

How-to Hide Friends

This one is easy. Simply move your mouse over to the left of a Friend's post. A little "x" appears. Click that and you have a choice, Hide This Post, Hide All Posts (From This Person). Choose Hide All. You can always get it back by going to the bottom of the Wall and clicking on Edit Options. Note, this little "x" is also where you can Unlike a page.

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