Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

I bet you can’t say SOYJOY really fast ten times in a row without messing up. (via Crazy Food Dude)

If this is a current accurate representation of Hello Kitty, then Hello Kitty has really let herself go. (via Revolting Snacks of America)

Ack! This packaging is going to give me nightmares. (via Junk Food Guy)

Zoinks! This cereal box isn’t going to help me get a good night’s sleep either. (via Milk and Spoon)

Rodzilla eats durian. (via Rodzilla Reviews)

Since the Girl Scouts Cookie candy bars are limited edition, I want to stockpile them. Then during Girl Scout Cookie season, I’ll sell the Girl Scouts the candy bars while they’re trying to sell me cookies. (via Foodette Reviews)

According to Foodbeast, the happy starry folks over at Carl’s Jr. are testing an Ice Cream Brrrger at certain locations in Orange County. The OC Register’s Fast Food Maven listed a couple of location that carry the ice cream treat.

The meat of the sandwich, which is priced at $1.99, is made up of chocolate ice cream; the condiments are represented with red, yellow, and green icing; and the Brrrger’s bun are sugar cookies. The OC Register’s Fast Food Maven also has a quick review and pictures.

The 4-ounce ice cream burger has 340 calories, 16 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 43 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 27 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.

I sometimes wonder if potato chip companies aren’t all guided by a collusion of meat company executives in a brilliant attempt to subvert the ideas of vegetarianism and tempt the herbavorically inclined among us to the joys of being a carnivore.

A far fetched conspiracy theory?

Perhaps, but perusing the Walmart chip aisle lends credence to my claim. There’s Chicken Barbecue chips. Baby Back Rib Chips. The proverbial [your favorite cheese here] and bacon chips, and, I’d be remiss not to point out, some horribly mediocre attempt at making chips into a BLT.

At some point one has to wonder if God had wanted fried potatoes to taste like meat, he’d have made them, well, actually meat. Come to think of it, maybe those chip companies are secretly plotting to turn us carnivores against meat by designing crappy “meaty” potato chips.

Which brings me to curious case of Herr’s Sloppy Joe Potato Chips. The All-American staple of thriftiness, the Sloppy Joe technically contains meat. Technically, because underneath all that gloopy “stuff” the lunch lady served to you in the fourth grade, was, I’m told, the denatured proteins of something that either went “moo” or “cluck.” I can’t remember the last time I had a Sloppy Joe, but I’m sure it was sometime during my less epicurean days of meat consumption. I’m also quite convinced it may have involved copious amounts of a canned sauce that rhymes with “Damn This!” If there’s one thing I am positively certain of, though, it’s that said Sloppy Joe tasted damn good, as in “damn my future pretentious affinity for paninis and designer burgers, I want some good old American loose meat!”

Given my more recent excursions into the world of meat flavored chips, I didn’t have the highest hopes for these. Right out of the bag, the aroma seemed to promise the kind of mediocre onion powder and salt infused taste one expects from a chip of wacky flavor designs, although the first bite revealed a tomato paste like sweetness combined with an altogether “mmm” quality one only finds in Woochestireshire sauce. Instantly I’m hooked, suddenly recognized a certain spicy sweetness.

The chips themselves are much more oily than Lay’s chips, while the coating is positively dumped onto some chips. What ensues is a flavor and mouthfeel with the simple yet proven flavor notes of sweet, salty, acidic, and dare I say even a bit meaty, while also managing to convey the kind of sloppy and oily mess that a fourth grade fat camper can’t help but smile about. I especially liked the tomato powder element, and detected hints of cumin and some vaguely defined herb that probably works its way into any number of Sloppy Joe’s.

And the potato?

Hardly tasted it at all, but I’m not complaining. After all, I may not recall my last Sloppy Joe that clearly, but I’m pretty sure there wasn’t a potato thrown in there somewhere.
 
As a potato chip connoisseur, I’m a bit ashamed to admit how much I like these. There’s a great snackability element, and no pretentious “all natural” claims that hinder the enjoyment of a good junk food session parked in front of the NHL playoffs. Herr’s clearly put some thought into these, and judging by an ingredient list which features tamarind and Woochestireshire sauce, it’s apparent that the Pennsylvania-based snack company didn’t just dump a bunch of salt and dextrose on some oily chips.

A few minor complaints, including only being able to find these at Walmart and a less than optimal ridgy crunch, but nothing to the extent that would make me throw caution to the wind when plowing through an entire bag.

Healthy? Maybe not.

But considering this dastardly chip company’s collusion to subvert the influence of actual meat in my life, I might as well get my kicks where I can.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce (about 13 chips) – 150 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 2 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat,  0 milligrams of cholesterol, 279 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.) 

Item: Herr’s Sloppy Joe Potato Chips
Price: $2.58 (on sale)
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Defies reason by tasting like an actual Sloppy Joe. Enjoyable mix of sweet, salty, and spicy, with a zippidy-do-da tang of Woochestireshire sauce. Better than Lay’s BLT chips. Possibly better for you than an actual Sloppy Joe, provided you don’t eat the whole bag.
Cons: Dastardly chip company collisions. Actually sloppy. More “ground turkey” sweetness than beefy richness. Only available at Walmart?  Correctly pronouncing and spelling “Woochestireshire”

If you’re a parent and you give your child a Ritz Crackerfuls Peanut Butter & Chocolate, you better make his or her bedtime a little later to make up for the mediocre snack you gave them. If you don’t, I hope he or she never hugs you again.

Sure, your kids won’t care, because they’re excited to get sugar, but by giving them this snack, you’re basically teaching them to settle, instead of demanding for something better. You wouldn’t want your child to settle for that woman who owns 24 cats or that guy who runs a product review blog, so why would you have them settle for a poor representation of the peanut butter and chocolate combination.

You’d think it’s impossible to mess up the merging of peanut butter and chocolate, which is the OG of sweet and salty combinations, but it tastes like Nabisco found a way. Maybe they have some kind of bet with Kellogg’s to see which company could make the least exciting peanut butter and chocolate product. The winner gets possession of the Cookie Cup, a bronzed cookie jar with the word “winner” etched into it.

The Ritz Crackerfuls Peanut Butter & Chocolate box brags about how it’s “Made with real peanut butter,” but it’s not made with really good peanut butter. In between the cracker sandwich are two pencil-thin lines of the not really good peanut butter and a thicker line of not really good chocolate. The peanut butter smells like the cheap store-brand stuff and has a gritty consistency. The flavor of the chocolate, which is creamier than the peanut butter, reminds me of the crappy chocolate in a Sixlet.

They say two wrongs make a right, but those two wrongs in between two buttery, long Ritz crackers make a long wrong. I expected the peanut butter and chocolate to have a robust flavor, but they ended up having as much flavor as the crackers, and at times the cracker’s buttery flavor somewhat masked the PB&C. These Ritz Crackerfuls have to be one of the least satisfying peanut butter and chocolate products my taste buds have ever experienced.

While eating the first one, I thought for a second maybe I just got a bad one in the box, kind of like how you get a bad grape in the bunch, but after the second and third ones, I forced myself to drive to the store and buy some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups so my taste buds can remember what it’s like to have a peanut butter and chocolate combination that doesn’t suck.

Nabisco, which is owned by food and beverage conglomerate Kraft, could’ve used better quality stuff in this cracker sandwich, because Kraft also owns Planters, which makes peanuts and peanut butter, and Cadbury, which knows a thing or two about chocolate.

Usually the marriage of peanut butter and chocolate evokes excitement, but the Ritz Crackerfuls Peanut Butter & Chocolate don’t do it for me. They aren’t completely disgusting, but I don’t want to eat the rest. I have three of them left and I think I want to crush them with my feet so that I can listen to the crackers crumble under my body’s weight, because if they aren’t going to satisfy my sense of taste, I think they should at least satisfy my sense of hearing.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pack – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 75 milligrams of potassium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

*made with partially hydrogenated oil

Other Ritz Crackerfuls Peanut Butter & Chocolate reviews:
Junk Food Guy

Item: Ritz Crackerfuls Peanut Butter & Chocolate
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Not completely disgusting. 6 grams of whole grain per serving. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Cons: Crappy peanut butter. Crappy chocolate. One of the least exciting PB&C combination I’ve had. Settling for a mediocre PB&C experience. Allowing your child to experience Ritz Crackerfuls Peanut Butter & Chocolate. No hugs.

Hey, people who were born in the 1990s and make me feel old! You can enjoy Cold Stone Creamery ice cream treats inspired by the stuff your grandparents might’ve shared in the 1950s on a date at an ice cream parlor before going home and conceiving your parents.

For a limited time, Cold Stone is offering two retro-inspired ice cream flavors, Cherry Vanilla and Chocolate Malt. Each flavor is the base for two new Cold Stone Creations, Cherry Vanilla Cherry Pie (Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream with black cherries, graham cracker pie crust, and caramel) and Malt My Heart with Chocolate (Chocolate Malt Ice Cream with bananas, fudge, and whipped topping).

Cold Stone is also offering a line of desserts called Retro Classics, which include a Classic Hot Fudge Sundae, Classic Turtle Sundae, Classic Banana Royale, and Classic Root Beer Float. Don’t know what a Turtle Sundae or Banana Royale is? Ask your grandparents…or Wikipedia.

Cold Stone Creamery’s retro treats are available now through August 31 at all locations.

Writer Requirements:

1. Must have a computer.
2. Must have a digital camera (or a very good camera on your smartphone).
3. Have spelling and grammar abilities equal to or greater than mine.
4. Have an ability to entertain people with words.

It’s a paid gig, but we won’t say how much we pay per review. However, we can say it’s enough for you to have a pizza party for one…maybe two.

If you would like to apply for the position, here’s what you’ll need to send:

Writing Samples:

1. One sample review in TIB format (nutrition facts, rating, price, pros, cons, etc at the bottom). The review can be about whatever food product you want. Just to let you know, we won’t be using the review on TIB. The sample review will help us determine if your writing style would be a good fit. To give you an idea of how long a TIB review is, they range from 400-1,000 words.

2. Photo(s) of the product you reviewed. (High quality versions, please!)

3. A bio and why you want to write for The Impulsive Buy.

A Few Notes:

1. Due to legal reasons, we can’t hire minors.

2. At this time, we’re not looking to add writers from outside the United States.

3. Please don’t send your review as an attachment. Copy and paste your writing samples into your email. However, you may send the photos as attachments.

To apply, please email your sample review, pictures, and bio to theimpulsivebuy@gmail.com with “Boom Shakalaka” in the subject line. The deadline to apply will be May 31st.

Thank you.

Marvo
Editor-in-Chief

Note: To those people wondering about guest reviews on TIB. So far, I’ve received 30+ emails from people who are interested in doing guest reviews. I still haven’t decided whether or not to have them on TIB, but I’m kind of leaning towards having them. But before I make a decision, I want to bring on a new paid reviewer. I’ll make a decision about guest reviews after the May 31st deadline passes.

Blue Bunny’s new line of Naturally Frozen Yogurt isn’t Greek, like the frozen yogurt from a particular Vermont company, but it’s 100 percent natural. The photo above only shows two flavors, Bordeaux Cherry Chocolate (Bordeaux cherry frozen yogurt mixed with dark cherry pieces and dark chocolate chunks) and Caramel Praline Crunch (butter pecan frozen yogurt with praline pecan pieces swirled with a salty caramel ribbon), but there’s also Vanilla Bean and Chocolate Vanilla Swirl. Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader greendaychick for the photo.

Can’t wait the 2.5-3 minutes to pop a bag of microwaveable popcorn? Well then, Orville Redenbacher’s now has something to satisfy your impatient soul — ready-to-eat popcorn. The bagged popcorn comes in four flavors: Sharp White Cheddar, Classic Kettle Korn, Farmhouse Cheddar, and Signature BBQ. Thanks to TIB reviewer Adam for the picture…and the next two pictures.

When I’m bored, I make couch mixes, which are like trail mixes, except they’re for people who don’t like to hike. They’re always made with M&M’s and I add whatever snacks are available around the kitchen, like cookies, nuts, and potato chips. The folks at Mars have started making their own snack mixes with M&M’s. They come in three varieties: the Milk Chocolate Snack Mix includes milk chocolate M&M’s, mini chocolate chip cookies, peanuts, and mini pretzels; the Dark Chocolate Snack Mix has dark chocolate M&M’s, raisins, almonds, and mini pretzels; and the Peanut Snack Mix is made up of Peanut M&M’s, mini shortbread cookies, almonds, and mini pretzels.

I remember when Goldfish crackers came in two flavors, original and cheddar. I. Am. Old. This latest edition to the Goldfish Graham line combines chocolate grahams, vanilla grahams, and a sprinkling of cream. Now that I think about it, this would make a wonderful couch mix addition.

Impulsive Buy reader Ben sent us this photo of Mrs. Renfro’s Ghost Pepper Salsa. Ghost chili peppers, which are also known as Bhut Jolokia chili peppers, are the world’s hottest chili peppers, and it’s frickin’ awesome that someone made a salsa using them. Mrs. Renfro’s Ghost Pepper Salsa isn’t a new product (it’s been around since 2010), but it’s new to me and it’s something I’d like to burn my digestive system with. Here’s a review at the Burn Blog.

If you’re out shopping and see a new product on the shelf (or really unusual), snap a picture of it, email it to us at theimpulsivebuy@gmail.com with “Spotted” in the subject line, and you might see it in our next Spotted on Shelves post.

People love Nabisco Newtons Fruit Thins.

Actually, I don’t know how accurate that statement is because I’m basing it on the 60+ positive comments attached to our news post about them last year.

Those commenters sounded so excited about them that I’m surprised every single one of those comments weren’t all in caps and included excessive exclamation points!!!!!!! Here are some words they used to describe the cookies and how often they showed up.

The word “love” was used in 14 comments, “delicious” was used four times, “great” was used three times, “wonderful” was used three times, “awesome” was used four times, “good” was used four times, “can’t stop eating” was used three times, “new favorite” was used three times, “addictive” was used three times, “yummy” was used three times, and “yummola” was used once.

Despite all those positive adjectives and praise, I had yet to buy any Newtons Fruit Thins flavor until I picked up the newest varieties — Apple Cinnamon Oat and Lemon Crisp.

If you’re later than me to the Newtons Fruit Thins party, these aren’t like the soft, cake-like Newtons you might be used to. These are crispy cookies with bits of real fruit baked into them. But you shouldn’t consider Newtons Fruit Thins to be health food because the fruit in them provides no real nutritional benefits. Instead, you should think of them as a slightly healthier cookie substitute for other popular Nabisco cookies.

Let’s compare.

Three Chips Ahoy! cookies have 160 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of fiber, and 11 grams of sugar. Three Oreo cookies have 160 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of fiber, and 14 grams of sugar. But, three Apple Cinnamon Oat Newtons Fruit Thins have 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 1 gram of fiber, and 8 grams of sugar.

Oh, but nutrition facts aren’t the only difference. If high fructose corn syrup bothers you like the poor ratings of NBC’s Thursday night comedies bother me, then you’ll be happy to know Newtons Fruit Thins don’t have any, which can’t be said of the other two.

The aromas that wafted out from the Apple Cinnamon Oat and Lemon Crisp Newtons Fruit Thins packages made me wish Renuzit made air freshener cones that smelled as pleasant. Each cookie is shaped like a pastie and is two and a half inches in diameter, which is slightly bigger than a Chips Ahoy! cookie and significantly smaller than any clock that has hung from Flavor Flav’s neck.

With these cookies there are two different textures, the crunchiness of the oat cookie and the chewiness from either the dried lemon peel or dried apple baked into them. However, some of the cookies had dried lemon peel bits that were unpleasantly tough. My molars did not like. Even though the fruit pieces weren’t evenly distributed throughout the cookie, I could taste fruit in every bite. The Lemon Crisp had a pleasant citrus flavor that’s more sweet than tart, while the Apple Cinnamon Oat had a wonderful balance of fruit and spice, but both cookies don’t have an overwhelming flavor or sweetness.

Apple Cinnamon Oat and Lemon Crisp Newtons Fruit Thins are delightful…or in the words of commenters they’re delicious, great, wonderful, awesome, good, addictive, and yummy cookies that I can’t stop eating because I love them and they’re my new favorite cookie. Yummola.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 cookies – 140 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 7 or 8 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein.)

Other Nabisco Newtons Fruit Thins (Apple Cinnamon Oat and Lemon Crisp) reviews:
Junk Food Guy (Lemon Crisp)

Item: Nabisco Newtons Fruit Thins (Apple Cinnamon Oat and Lemon Crisp)
Price: $3.59 (on sale)
Size: 10.5 ounces/30 cookies
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Apple Cinnamon Oat)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Lemon Crisp)
Pros: Delightful. Made with real fruit. Not overwhelmingly sweet. Slightly healthier than popular Nabisco cookies. Pleasant aroma. Crunchy oat cookie. 8 whole grains per serving. Fruit flavor in every bite.
Cons: Some dried lemon peel pieces were a bit hard. The word “yummola.” Ratings of NBC’s Thursday night comedies. Blog comments all in caps. There aren’t any Renuzit baked goods air fresheners.

I have been on a ravenous fast food habit lately. The discarded evidence of wrappers and greasy cardboard boxes are lodged between sofa cushions or in the backseat of my car. Similar to Dexter and his glass slides, my uneaten misdeeds are hidden amongst the bacon jams and jars of homemade mostardas in the fridge.

Like corpses strewn about and disposed at night, I am secretly throwing out oily stained bags in my garbage can by moonlight for the garbage men to take away in the morning. However, the only victim here is me and, yes, my arteries are loving every suffocating moment. On my way home from work I decided to go to my usual hunting grounds.

And then I found it in the midst of dusk time rush hour traffic…I FREAKING FOUND IT.

The McDonald’s Strawberry & Créme Pie.

I was salivating at the new find and my tongue had the equivalent of an erection when I read the sign again. Akin to a criminal hoping to not get caught by their probation officer, I did a quick sweep to make sure my cardiologist was not around. He would not be happy considering my blood pressure was ranking higher than the weight of that girl who played Precious.

Double Quarter Pounder with cheese be damned, Poppa is going to have himself a creampie courtesy of the clown with red hair. I went directly to the drive-thru and turned off the radio so I could hear myself breathe heavily. My mind was filled with shrill screams and agonizing yelps of madness.

Fumbling for change or a few wrinkled dollar bills, I slowly forgot the day’s events where my client stupidly admitted to punching his wife in the eye during trial. I forgot that my devoted Alabaman wife asked me to pick up some grits for “supper” (I hate that word). I forgot everything because all I cared about was sinking my teeth into that oddly shaped McDonald’s pie that would spurt cream and strawberries in my goddamned mouth.

I clutched the bag after being handed it through that small window. The aroma wafting in my car was pronounced as the entire inside smelled of baked sugary strawberries mixed with the scent of deep fried egg roll skins. McDonald’s pies have that secondary odor that reminds you that this is not the pie that your Grandma bakes. For the record my Grandmother never baked pies, she would make me bitter ginseng soup or salty 1,000 year old preserved duck eggs in congee. Yeah, the Chinese aren’t known for desserts.

Wrapped in a brown box, adorned with the image of a chef’s hat and rolling pin evoked a laugh instead of images of a pastry chef elegantly working dough on a wooden block. Branded on the box was “Signature Pies” and true to its title, McDonald’s pies have that signature rectangular shape. I’m lovin’ it.

The crust was warm, crisp, buttery, and flaky. The best part was the crystal flecks of sugar baked into the shell. I’m sorry but I know we are sometimes nostalgic for that heavenly pie Agent Cooper rambles on about in aimless episodes of Twin Peaks but a McDonald’s pie to me is just as homey.

The sugary texture of the thin crust seductively gives way to the Strawberry & Créme. I should point out that the cream is spelled créme which probably means it is alien from any dairy. Maybe not, but I cannot find the ingredients anywhere. Who cares because I would scoop this stuff out and drizzle it on a chocolate brownie.

The baked pie is scored down the middle to show off its insides filled with Strawberry & Créme. The cream part tasted like Cool Whip. The strawberry syrup, with sweet delicious uneven chunks, is similar to what the ice cream man would drop on a soft serve sundae.

Yes, it is artificial tasting but sometimes fake works. We’re not at McDonald’s for something to remind of us Sunday mornings, we’re there for something to stave off hangovers or revenge eating from forced salads and wheatgrass juices.

The slightly gluey créme had a nice slight vanilla flavor which was a tasty contrast to the sweet strawberry filling. Eaten alone, it would be a cloying pudding mess but that buttery crust makes this thing work. There are real chunks of strawberries because some of the tinky seeds got stuck in my teeth as I was making a right turn towards the exit on the crowded freeway.

It’s too bad this is a limited edition because I want to buy this all year long. One word of caution, do not eat this cold. The pie gets gummy and clunky. It will sit in your stomach and remind you that you ate something particularly evil. Agent Cooper, maybe some pies after they die do go to heaven…but I think the bad ones go to McDonald’s and taste better.

(Nutrition Facts – one pie – 290 calories, 17 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein.)

Other McDonald’s Strawberry & Créme Pie reviews:
Foodette Reviews
Brand Eating
Stephen Loves Candy

Item: McDonald’s Strawberry & Créme Pie
Price: 95 cents
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: That crisp sugary and buttery thin crust. Cream or créme, it’s creamy goodness. Real chunks of strawberries. Kyle MacLachlan before he was in Showgirls. Mostarda.
Cons: Gummy and clunky if it gets cold. It is a limited product. The words “supper” or “ornery”. Dated references to a show twenty years old. Hydralazine pills.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

There are more Choco Taco varieties, but I don’t think that area of ice cream treats has been expanded enough. I’d like to suggest creating a line of ice cream treats with Taco Bell called Choco Bell, which consists of a Choco Burrito, Marshmallow Bell Grande, and a Carmelo Enchirito. (via Fatguy Food Blog)

I Am American Creme Oreo (And So Can You). (via Kj’s Food Review)

Wendy’s is testing flatbread sandwiches. I don’t know about you, but flatbread sandwiches don’t really make me want to go to Wendy’s. A free, ponytailed Wendy’s redhead wig with the purchase of a kids’ meal would. (via Foodette Reviews)

Did you know 60 percent of The Impulsive Buy’s readership are women? So here you go the other 40 percent of TIB readers, a Kotex review. Go learn something. (via Hot Ink Reviews)

Come on, McDonald’s! This putting bacon into a McDouble and offering it as a new product isn’t cutting it. Putting bacon, a McChicken patty, and a Filet-o-Fish patty into a McDouble would cut it. Make that happen soon because once Wendy’s starts offering free, ponytailed redhead wigs with the purchase of a kids’ meal, I’m gone. (via Grub Grade)

The Chewy Chips Ahoy! Gooey Caramel cookies are a lot smaller than the Chocofudge and Megafudge Chips Ahoy! Chewy Gooey Cookies we reviewed last year.

What kind of size difference are we talking about?

In cookie terms, they’re slightly wider than an Oreo. For those of you who’ve never had an Oreo, I’m going to put it into terms that might help you understand. If you saw someone with areolas the size of the Chewy Chips Ahoy! Gooey Caramel, you’d think they’re normal, unless they had three of them. But if another person had areolas the size of the other Chips Ahoy! Chewy Gooey cookie varieties, you’d want them to put their shirt back on.

At first, I didn’t think the cookies were at all gooey, much like the other Gooey varieties, but it turns out they were. I just didn’t eat them properly. Instead of eating them like any normal human being would, I had to split the cookie in half in order to experience the gooeyness, exactly like what’s shown on the product’s packaging.

Who the hell would eat these cookies in a way that involves the same motions used to open a newspaper? If you’ve watched Sesame Street, you know the proper way to eat cookies involves grabbing a whole bunch of them, throwing them at your mouth, and allowing most of the cookies to fall to the ground while yelling, “Om nom nom nom!”

You’d think a Chewy Chips Ahoy! cookie stuffed with gooey caramel would be awesome, like watching kittens yawn, but I can’t say that it is.

Each cookie is impregnated with a good amount of caramel, but the caramel flavor is lacking. It’s almost as if I’m eating regular Chewy Chips Ahoy! cookies, which isn’t bad, but there should’ve been more to it. If these cookies had emotions, I would buy a Twix candy bar, eat it in front of them, and then tell the cookies that’s how caramel should taste with cookies and chocolate.

I looked through the ingredients list and found most of the stuff needed to make caramel, but the list didn’t specifically say there’s caramel. It specifically says there are semisweet chocolate chips and lists its ingredients in between sad and happy emoticon mouths, but it doesn’t do the same for the caramel. I thought that was a bit strange.

Overall, the Chewy Chips Ahoy! Gooey Caramel cookies are disappointing. While they’re decent cookies and have a nice chewiness to them, I can’t say they’re addictive, which I think is a pretty good measurement of how good a cookie is. They don’t make me want to eat them faster than Law & Order can rip a story from the headlines.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Chewy Chips Ahoy! Gooey Caramel Cookies
Price: $2.98
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Gooey, if you eat them a certain way. Chewy. Twix. Lots of caramel. Om nom nom nom! Watching kittens yawn.
Cons: Disappointing. Lacks good caramel flavor. Smaller than other Chewy Gooey Chips Ahoy! varieties. Not addictive. The wasteful way I eat cookies.

Because I am a nerd and like to read about scientific things as much as I can while science is still legal in this country, I recently discovered an Oxford University experiment involving the relationship between food flavors and sound. Results showed that sweet-tasting foods tended to be matched with high-pitched tones while more savory foods tended to be matched with low-pitched sounds.

If that’s the case, then I would have to compare a spoonful of Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Shortcake Greek Frozen Yogurt to a screeching serenade by a pod of whales. In other words, this frozen yogurt is sweeter than sweet, which was surprising considering that Greek yogurt tends to be tarter than tart. By the way, hyperbole also comes from Greece.

Make no mistake, I prefer sweet frozen yogurt to tart frozen yogurt, just like I’d prefer a friendly whale over any of the homicidal ones. And by “homicidal,” I don’t mean killer whales. I mean whales that commit premeditated murder. Like Moby Dick… or Monstro. Yeah, pretty sure Monstro swallowed his own weight in victims over the years.

However, with Greece being so close to Italy, I think the Mediterranean Sea-dwelling Monstro might enjoy Ben & Jerry’s Greek Frozen yogurt more than your typical whale would. (Science.) There’s even a chance I can use a fresh pint to lure him and finally pin a spate of horrific maritime swallowings on him. Better yet, we’ll film it and call it Law & Order: WSIU (Whale Swallowings Investigations Unit), and it will not only incorporate sketchy scientific techniques, but it will also be in Italian with English subtitles — “La balena inghiottì il capo!” Chun-CHUNG.

Unlike the potential ratings of an hour-long TV procedural starring ocean-dwelling mammals, Ben & Jerry’s doesn’t disappoint when it comes to the texture of their Strawberry Shortcake Greek Frozen Yogurt. Bits of real strawberries and shortcake pieces really boost the flavor and add to the richness of the creamy frozen yogurt. An extra bonus is that it only has 180 calories per serving. Molto bene! I did wish there had been more shortcake pieces and that they had been bigger. Often, I couldn’t tell whether I’d even picked up any shortbread in my spoon.

Despite that, I would highly recommend Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Shortcake Greek Frozen Yogurt. For now, this flavor is only available at grocery stores, so don’t go looking for them at a scoop shop. Even if your street contact says they’ve heard whales hanging out around there. It’s not whales, it’s the flavor. (Science.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup (100g) – 180 calories, 45 fat calories, 5 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 23 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein, 15% Calcium, 0% Iron, 10% Vitamin C, and 4% Vitamin A.)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Shortcake Greek Frozen Yogurt reviews:
San Diego Sugar
On Second Scoop
Junk Food Guy

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Shortcake Greek Frozen Yogurt
Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Ralphs
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like whales sound. 180 calories per serving. Light, creamy and sweet. The Italian language.
Cons: Not enough shortbread pieces. Monstro. Only available at grocery stores. Law & Order: WSIU, coming this fall.

Yes! Jack in the Box has chicken nuggets!

Wow. I used exclamation points. I must be really excited about Jack’s nuggets.

But, now that I think about it, I kind of regret using exclamation points because I’m not that enthusiastic about them, but I’m too lazy to hit the up arrow key to change them, and the more I type, the farther away they become.

Jack’s nuggets are available in six-pieces and in five-pieces, if you order the new Value Deal, which also includes a Jr. Jack, 16-ounce Value Drink, and Value Fries, all for $3.99. What’s a Jr. Jack? I think I can best explain it in the form of a SAT or GRE exam analogy — Whopper Jr. : Whopper :: Jr. Jack : Jumbo Jack.

A Jr. Jack without cheese has 325 calories, 15 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 716 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein. There isn’t any nutritional info for five chicken nuggets, but there is for six, which has 238 calories, 17 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 26 milligrams of cholesterol, 604 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, and 9 grams of protein.

When I first saw these, I thought they were half baked potatoes in a bag, but these Ore-Ida Grillers are thick potato slices you can either prepare on a grill or in an oven. But Ore-Ida probably wants you to heat them up on a grill, since they didn’t call them Ore-Ida Oveners. I don’t know if the grill marks on the potato come pre-marked. It would be very weird if they did. I saw only two varieties at my local Safeway — Seasoned Thick Cut Potatoes and Golden Thick Cut Potatoes.

The directions for the new Quaker Real Medleys Oatmeal are pretty much the same as a Cup Noodles. You can either pour hot water into them or pour unheated water and stick them into the microwave. The instant oatmeal comes in four fruity and/or nutty flavors: Apple Walnut, Cherry Pistachio, Peach Almond, and Summer Berry. Each contains 290 calories.

Lipton Tea & Honey comes in six flavors: Black Currant Raspberry Iced Black Tea, Lemon Iced Black Tea, Peach Apricot Iced Black Tea, Mango Pineapple Iced Green Tea, Blackberry Pomegranate Iced Green Ta, and Strawberry Acai Decaf Iced Green Tea. The black tea varieties have 40 milligrams of caffeine per 16 ounce serving, while the green tea flavors, except for the decaf Strawberry Acai, have 20 milligrams. But all of them have 60 milligrams of flavonoids.

If Greece earned royalties for every Greek yogurt product sold, perhaps they wouldn’t be in the financial mess they’re in. Also, if that was the case, Yoplait would be paying Greece a load of money that’s thicker than Greek yogurt. Yoplait offers regular Greek yogurts, Greek yogurt parfaits, and these Greek yogurt smoothies. I’m surprised there isn’t a Yoplait Greek Go-Gurt for kids.

We wrote about the new limited edition Hot Pockets varieties the other day, but Lean Pockets also has a couple of new Pretzel Bread varieties — Mesquite BBQ Recipe Chicken and Spinach and 3 Cheese. Hmm…Mesquite BBQ doesn’t sound very lean. Also, what’s with the “recipe” in its name. It makes me suspicious. Random Dude Eats Random Food has a review.

This photo comes from reader Troy Kibodeaux via our Facebook page. I read about these a few months ago on a snack forum. After doing some research, it appears pepperoni is the only flavor. As someone who enjoys Totino’s Party Pizzas, except the trans fat in them, I’m curious about these. I’m also weirded out by them because if anyone’s goal is to recreate the flavor of a frozen pizza, then their goal is a bit low.

If you’re out shopping and see a new product on the shelf, snap a picture of it, email it to us at theimpulsivebuy@gmail.com, and you might see it in our next Spotted on Shelves post.

If you are, send me a message using our contact form or email me at theimpulsivebuy@gmail.com

Don’t send me a review.

Right now, I’m trying to gauge how much of an interest there might be. Also, feel free to ask me any questions.

Thank you,

Marvo
Editor-in-Chief