The Indy Tribune

God Privately Admits He Doesn't Have Plan for Disabled Boy

2013-03-08T01:00:00.001-05:00

HEAVEN - Speaking off-the-record Friday, the Lord God privately admitted that he did not have a concrete plan for local disabled boy Dwight Bowers, who was born paralyzed from the waist down. Even though the excitable 6-year-old is routinely assured by his parents Kathryn and Edward that God is watching over him, The Almighty Father indicated that He has given "next-to-no-thought" as to the

Body of Hugo Chavez to See Out Fourth Presidential Term

2013-03-05T18:34:00.003-05:00

CARACAS - Aides of the late Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez have confirmed that the 58-year-old's body will still honor the fourth term it was elected to serve back in October. Mr. Chavez, who had ruled over the Venezuelan people since 1999, succumbed to a long battle with cancer Tuesday, prompting fears of widespread chaos in the capital of Caracas. However, the president's dead remains

Google Search For 'Oscar Pistorius Murder Trial' Evolves Into 'Reeva Steenkamp Topless'

2013-02-22T08:30:00.000-05:00

INDIANAPOLIS - During a routine navigation of the internet Friday, a local man's Google search for the keywords "Oscar Pistorius murder trial" evolved over the course of 7 minutes into "Reeva Steenkamp Topless." Initially looking to gain up-to-the-minute news on the murder trial of South Africa's famed special Olympian, Indianapolis man James Kinsella subconsciously clicked a related article

Obituary - Rebecca Marlowe

2013-02-22T00:00:00.001-05:00

Rebecca Marlowe, 38, died February 19 at her Indianapolis home. Marlowe, who was a sheet metal tech at Hawker Beechcraft and was not in any way famous for a modeling career, was found with a gunshot wound when police responded to a 911 call placed by her boyfriend, Joshua Phillips, 40. She was pronounced dead at the scene. Phillips, who has all of his limbs and is not in any way famous as an

Obituary - Brooklynne Palmer

2013-02-22T00:00:00.000-05:00

Brooklynne Palmer, 19, died January 12 in Noblesville. Palmer, who was home for the weekend from her freshman year at Purdue University, had spent the day reconnecting with her high school best friend Mackenzie Waller. "We'd been at Hamilton Town Center Mall, like, all day," said Waller. "We were having such a good time. We were just talking and catching up and shopping, shopping, and more

Local Grandma Thinks Rest of Family Should Know That Janice from 3 Doors Down Undergoing Bowel Operation

2013-02-18T19:04:00.002-05:00

INDIANAPOLIS - Systematically phoning every adult member of her immediate family Monday, 91-year-old local grandma Eileen Calderwood thought that everyone should know that Janice from three doors down is going in for her bowel operation this Friday. Insisting that her neighbor, with whom Calderwood's family are only vaguely familiar, has appeared "very pale recently," Calderwood openly

Obituary - Viktor Polichenko

2013-02-18T18:00:00.000-05:00

Viktor I. Polichenko of Indianapolis, 55, was killed February 15 while visiting family in Chelyabinsk, Russia. Polichenko had moved from the central Russian city to Indianapolis in 1983. Here he met and married his wife, Brownsburg native Natalie Walters Polichenko, who survives him along with their two sons Anatoli ("Tony"), 23, and Viktor Jr., 19. Mr. and Mrs. Polichenko had traveled to

Piece of Folded Card Irreversibly Strengthens Bond Between Wife, Husband

2013-02-14T19:51:00.000-05:00

INDIANAPOLIS - Sources reported Thursday that a single piece of folded card - the same paper stock used to package cereal and Lean Cuisine frozen meals -irreversibly strengthened the loving bond between local woman Nancy Hargis and her husband Matthew. The couple, who had only previously displayed mutual feelings of love through the exchange of wedding vows and through various forms of

Obituary - That Aunt You Never Liked

2013-02-14T19:30:00.000-05:00

That Aunt You Never Liked, 87, died January 14 at The Hearth at Windermere Senior Living Community in Fishers. Or was it Hamilton Trace? It's hard to remember; you really haven't cared until it came up just now. With her constant stream of snide comments directed at your mother, her decades of Christmas gifts to you based around a theme that interested you briefly when you were seven, her

Obama Accused of Lip Syncing Throughout State Of the Union Address

2013-02-13T18:17:00.003-05:00

WASHINGTON D.C. - Less than a month after singer Beyonce received similar criticism following her pre-recorded rendition of the national anthem at President Obama's inauguration, Obama today came under fire after it was alleged that he himself lip synced last night's State Of The Union address. Critics of the speech pointed Wednesday to a brief moment during Obama's hour-long address when

Obituary - Emmet Landis

2013-02-13T18:00:00.000-05:00

Note: The concept and most of the content for today's obituary were submitted by a reader. Remember: if you have died, or if you know of a humorous death (fake deaths only, please -- I don't want to be responsible for a spate of tragic, but hilarious, homicides), you can write to The Obituarist at obituaries@theindytribune.com. Emmet Landis, 36, a fifth grade English teacher at Crooked Creek

Lance Armstrong Apologizes to Supporters, Fellow Cyclists for Getting Caught

2013-01-18T00:00:00.000-05:00

CHICAGO, IL - In an open and honest interview with Oprah Winfrey, disgraced former cyclist Lance Armstrong admitted to doping and apologized to fellow professionals and his supporters for getting found out. During the interview, the first part of which was screened Thursday on the Oprah Winfrey Network, a remorseful Mr. Armstrong insisted that his decision not to sue The United States

Obituary - Michael Bay

2013-01-17T23:59:00.000-05:00

Noted film director and producer Michael Bay, 47, died January 12 in his Los Angeles home. Bay, whose films include Bad Boys I & II, Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, the Transformers franchise, and other beloved modern classics of American cinema, reportedly died quietly in his sleep. Every identifiable shred of Bay's body was not obliterated by thunderous explosions that did not send colossal fireballs

Indiana Ushers In Brand New Error of State Politics

2013-01-15T00:00:00.000-05:00

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Obituary - Roger Bolens

2013-01-14T23:59:00.000-05:00

Roger Bolens of Indianapolis, 46, died January 11 at Methodist Hospital. Bolens, who was eleven days into his ninth consecutive new year's resolution to get healthy, died of massive organ failure a day after collapsing during a workout. Working with his friend Dave Collins, who holds no professional credentials but by his own estimation "is pretty ripped and totally knows personal training,"

Study Finds Earth May Once Have Harbored Intelligent Life

2013-01-14T00:29:00.001-05:00

BOSTON, MA - A 5-year study carried out by Harvard University's Geological department has determined that, at some point in its relatively recent history, the planet Earth likely supported intelligent life. Analysis drawn from a collection of rock samples taken from our home planet's equator has revealed traces of water dating back 20 years, prompting theories that advanced lifeforms - capable

Obituary - Audrey Campos

2013-01-13T23:59:00.000-05:00

Audrey Campos, 45, died January 6 in her Indianapolis home. Ms. Campos, known among her friends for her disdain of forwarded emails and viral Facebook posts, died when she suddenly became ill from a variety of deadly and fast-acting pathogens that had been drawn into the previously-cut onion that she sliced onto her lunch sandwich. The Marion County Coroner's office reports that her system was

Boyfriend Somehow Given Final Say Over Which of These 2 Dresses Goes Best with The White Heels

2013-01-10T00:42:00.001-05:00

INDIANAPOLIS - Despite possessing virtually no discernible fashion sense or understanding of basic color-coordination, local boyfriend Joseph Clapham was somehow given final say Thursday over which of these two dresses goes best with the white heels. Happy himself to just hit the town wearing a no-nonsense combination of a button shirt and jeans, the 24-year-old was nonetheless charged with

Obituary - Everyone Outside the Room You're In

2013-01-09T23:59:00.000-05:00

Everyone Outside the Room You're In, various ages, just dropped dead just now. Don't look - it's too horrific. Whether because of some government super-virus experiment gone horribly wrong, or some alien death ray, or something completely other, Everyone Outside the Room You're In is now dead. They all just collapsed right where they stood, just a second ago. So I hope you're in a room with

Copycat Killer Incapable Of Coming Up With Exciting Murder Scenarios of His Own

2013-01-09T00:40:00.001-05:00

INDIANAPOLIS - Confessing Tuesday to the killing of 23-year-old Katheryn Morgan, copycat killer Dwayne Paulsen admitted that he is "just incapable" of coming up with creative murder scenarios of his own. Paulsen's modus operandi bore stark similarities to that of Jake Howlett, who killed and buried three women in Indianapolis in 2007, before being sentenced to life imprisonment at Wabash

Obituary - Hezekiah Bishop

2013-01-08T23:59:00.000-05:00

Hezekiah Jacob Bishop, 21, died November 22, 1812 along Wildcat Creek, near Lafayette. Bishop, a member of the Indiana Rangers, was taking part in the Second Tippecanoe Campaign when his party was ambushed in a narrow canyon. Survivor testimony indicated that Bishop's rifle had misfired at a crucial moment, and an onrushing Shawnee warrior was able to stab Bishop in the heart. Letters from Bishop

Pro-gun Lobby Calls for State-Level Ban On Schools

2013-01-08T12:38:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON D.C. - Almost a month after a gunman claimed the lives of nearly 30 people at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT, members of a pro-gun group have urged states across the nation to pass tough legislation aimed at banning the use of schools. Chairman of Capital Arms - a firearms advocacy group in Washington D.C. - Todd Bryant insisted Tuesday that "tragedies like Newtown

Obituary - Mr. Gobblepants

2013-01-07T23:59:00.000-05:00

Mr. Gobblepants, the turkey poult that Mike Baxter of Indianapolis thought would be a great Thanksgiving gift for his kids, died January 5 in the old-bath-rug-padded cardboard box Baxter had set up in his backyard. At fifteen weeks old, Mr. Gobblepants was nearing maturity and would have been just about ready to move from a grower feed to a finisher feed--if Baxter had the slightest idea how to

New Weight-Loss Program Guarantees You Will Lose Interest in Under 2 Weeks

2013-01-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

INDIANAPOLIS - As millions of Americans continue to return to post-holiday life, a controversial new weight-loss program - pioneered by a self-help guru in California - guarantees that dieters will lose interest in the program in just 2 weeks. Launching his lifestyle book Lose Interest In Healthy Eating: 14 Days Back to the Same Old You, Dr. Allen Wilkes insisted Monday that while his

Obituary - Lauren Stoddard

2013-01-06T23:59:00.000-05:00

Lauren G. Stoddard, 32, died January 6 in Indianapolis in an automobile accident. Ms. Stoddard was traveling east on I-465 on the north side of the city at 9:14 on Friday morning when her car drifted out of her lane, struck the side of a semi trailer, and careened across two lanes of traffic before flying off the road and down the embankment near the Keystone Avenue interchange. Investigators