Anyway, those who’ve known me a while and have stuck with me know that today is a hard day for me because it’s my brother’s birthday.

When forever was what other people lost
And this lonesome valley
was what other people crossed.
You know I could’ve missed the tears
Other people shed
When goodbye was a word
Other people said.

I still miss you.

Jonathan
September 11, 1977- August 10, 1988

Today is also the day we honor those who lost their lives during the 9/11 terrorist attack on our soil.

Here’s the deal… I am not the person to come to if you want to talk politics. I’m just not. I probably never will. Not with the way everyone gets angry and siloed in. I just want to love people.

Of course, after all the violence of the last few days, and thanks to Eric Guilmette’s inspiring poetry book, Sex and Oatmeal, I’ve found myself writing more poetry as well.

So, with how upside down everything has felt for me, here’s what my heart wrote to share with you today.

May you feel loved and seen and appreciated. And if you don’t, just know I love you.

Happy Thanksgiving! I just wanted to hop on and share a little ditty I wrote about a life lesson my Mama taught me.

Life View

It was an early lesson

My mother taught to me,

The lens we choose to use

Helps build the world we see.

“If you practice kindness,

And act with gentle heart

You’ll see the good around you,”

Was her wisdom to impart.

“But most of all, my daughter,

Trust yourself and be at ease,

For it’s through the lens of gratitude,

Where you’ll always find your peace.”

Today, as I reflect on this last year, I’m especially grateful for my health, for years we got with my Mother-in-law, for the fact that her passing went quick and without much suffering on her part, for the fact that much of my family is close by, that I got to spend time with my extended family this last summer, that my I adore my co-workers and enjoy my job, and for all the challenges that brought opportunities to Lear, share, teach, and be better.

Yeah. I’m blessed.

What are you thankful for?

He knew almost from the word go that I was it for him. It took me a bit longer to be convinced.

Although I believed in forever, my heart was not easily won.

I’d seen the aftermath left from partnerships that were not well tended, or where one partner gave and the other one took. Heck, I was part of the debris left from a marriage where only one of two honored the vows and promises.

Marriage is not easy. There are challenges. Blending lives and values and growing together takes dedication and perseverance and tenacity. And it takes both partners giving it all and remembering not just the big gestures, but the little moments.

I’m so grateful he had the understanding and staying power to help me find my footing and my faith in forever. He has been my best friend for 32 years, my partner for 31, and my husband for 15.

Through the ups and downs, the good times and bad, losses, moving, and all the other things life has thrown at us in between, he’s been there to laugh and cry with me, to celebrate, and most of all, to love me with his whole heart, just like I love him.

Today would’ve been his 47th birthday…if he’d made it that far. Unfortunately, through a tragic accident we lost him about a month before he turned 11, which means he was immortalized in my family’s memories way too early.

I remember running barefoot on blacktop, racing to the scene, two of his best friends on their bikes, escorting me. I still recall getting up into the front seat of that ambulance while they worked on him in the back as we fought rush hour traffic, praying with everything in me that things would be ok. They weren’t.

But God gave me strength, close friends to watch over my sister and mom and a gang-banger guardian angel in the ER waiting room to keep a couple creeps away from me while I waited for the rest of my family to arrive. One of my best friends (who literally gave me the shoes off her feet so I could go with the ambulance) and her mom looked after my sister, then brought her to meet us at the hospital. My mom’s close friends and co-workers didn’t allow her to drive, but rather took her to the hospital, themselves. The big gang banger dude blocked the way of a couple of young thugs to keep them away from me, a stranger, because he’d been there when the commotion and chaos of the Trauma 1 got called in and realized I was the family member. A kid (14) and alone.

As traumatic as his loss was, it’s his birthday that gets me the most. So today I take a moment to remember him with love.

To add to the bitter and the sweet of today, one of our nation’s biggest tragedies shares this day with my beloved brother.

I still remember driving in my car and learning of the first crash into the first tower on my radio. And the deep in my bones feeling I had that something horrible and unimaginable had just happened. Not once did my military brat brain entertained the hope that it was an accident. My gut knew. Shortly after I walked through the front doors of my job, the second one attacked, confirming my fears.

And I prayed. For survivors, for families I didn’t know, for rescue workers, and for the safety of the rest of our country and my family…who were thousands of miles away from me.

Today I continue to pray and remember….

Even though my sis and I are smiling below as we’re singing, we mean every word. This was just recorded during a happier moment when we were together and enjoying our family time at her home. She now lives closer to me.

If you’re so inclined, please share your thoughts and memories.

Maybe it’s because one of my former Alma Maters are planning a reunion next month, or maybe it’s just a random memory eruption, but today a poem I wrote back in my early, angsty, overly emotive high school years popped into my head…in completion. Even with my elephant memory a full piece of my work making such an appearance is big enough for me to sit up and take notice.

I was in my mid-teens when I wrote it… I still looked like this.

Yes, it was the late 80’s to early 90’s.

And the only part of the poem I don’t remember is the title.

And since it’s now a brainworm for me, I thought I would share…

Don’t look back

As you head out the door

Because if you do,

It will only hurt more.

Don’t stop to explain,

Don’t tell me why.

If you’re going to leave

Just tell me goodbye.

I love you, I’ll miss you,

But I can make it alone.

I want you, I need you —

But I’ll hold my own

‘Cause you can’t be tied down,

You’ve got to be free…

And I can’t make you love

Only me.

So don’t look back,

I’ll tell you again.

Just kiss me goodbye

If this is the end.

Isn’t it funny how things can sneak up on you and trip your memory banks like a time capsule? Obviously I was a but dramatic then. In the throes of first love. Boy, do I *not* miss that period in my life…

Have you had similar experiences and memories? Care to share? Do you remember your first love?

I’m hanging out with my family….

AND…

Giving this book away for FREE!

Help me celebrate my birthday and grab your copy!

You were my best Christmas present ever!

You tolerated a lot for those of us who love you.

Including a younger sibling after being an only child forever…

Full of grace and the most soulful eyes.

You were a good friend.

A vigilant guardian of the neighborhood who showed her sister the way.

A great cousin!

Master of hiding in plain sight…

You were always elegant and majestic.

I can’t believe it’s been a year today.

I miss you, my girl…

My sister and I love to bake. We started doing it at a young age with our mom. We got to bake side by side with her, our kid-sized bread loaves and pies going in with her grown up sized… Yes, she had mini bread loaf pans and tart tins to match her full sized ones, and that’s what we got to use. Then there were cookies and muffins and cupcakes…

As adults, we now find that baking relaxes us and brings on the nostalgia….

Which is why I love baking with the holidays.

In fact, so far, here’s what I’ve made this new recipe…

Some spicy orange bark, and some chocolate peanut butter balls round out the candy side (though I’m thinking to also make peppermint bark).

And these Swedish Oatmeal cookies whose recipe was shared with me by a former 92 year old volunteer back in the day.

Next up will be hubby’s favorite, Candy Cane Cloud.

My favorite… Pumpkin Cookies…

Or maybe the universal favorite… Peanut Butter Blossoms.

Tomorrow I’ll be baking a few of these cookies with my sister and nephew…. and prepping trays to give out to my day job peeps.

All of this?

Screams that Christmas is coming soon and gets me super exited.

So if you haven’t told me yet, what is your favorite kind cookie?

What makes it feel like the holidays for you?

Do you bake or are you on the receiving end from someone/somewhere else?

Obviously, Legendary George Strait agrees with me on this subject…

Part of my joy has been watching that little boy’s eyes light up with excitement and wonder. Children can find laughter and fun in practically everything. A couple years ago I got a sweater with reversible sequins that can spell out naughty or nice depending on which way you rub… The kid had a blast. His laughter was infectious. That joy….innocent.

He loves helping bake in the kitchen and was thrilled to share his Gingerbread ninjas that he’d made… In fact, he’s super excited about helping me bake my Christmas cookies this weekend.

When they went to a little group of boutique shops near their house for dinner one night and discovered the whole place had been decked out for the holidays, he was ecstatic.

His eyes wide, voice filled with wonder, he looked around and said to my sis in a hushed voice, “Mama, it’s Christmas town!”

Seeing the holidays through a Child’s eyes reminds you of the magic and how you felt before cynicism and life wore us down. Being around him reminds me constantly of all the things I love about this holiday. I think that’s why this Lady A song drew me in.

If you love this holiday, what is your favorite memory? What do you love most about this time of year?

This year has been HARD. For EVERYONE.

We’re all struggling to find joy, peace, and silver linings.

Some turn inward to find that peace.

And while I definitely search internally for comfort and calm, my Christmas Joy comes with bringing it to others.

Yesterday I did a little thing. It wasn’t much, but it made a difference. I went to the Dollar Tree yesterday after work and picked up a bunch of garland, window clings, and little Santas and Elves. Today I brought them to work and we used them to decorate all of our work station cubicles, spreading a little cheer.

In my alternate universe I’m an alarm dispatcher for security companies. Not exactly a “no stress” job. We need a little Christmas there.

To watch the faces of my work peeps brighten and to see them getting excited about decorating their stations made my whole day!

And it seems I’m not the only one feeling the need to give…

Hubby called me at work to see how I felt about adopting a family in need and making Christmas special for them. We picked a single mom with 5 children between the ages of 10-2. No child should have to miss out on the magic of Christmas.

As many of my long term readers know, I’m a military brat.

We moved. A lot.

Somehow, Christmas still found it’s way into my heart and soul….so this song by the incredibly talented new(ish) artist, Ingrid Andress, really spoke to me on a deep level.

Wherever you are…

Whatever you’re doing….

My greatest wish for you this holiday season?

That Christmas finds you.

*hugs*