question-mark (Photo credit: the.sprouts)

Calling all parents…

Do you have questions about parenting? 

Looking for advice, but unsure where to turn?

Ask a parenting coach

Do you have…

Trouble with bedtime?

A hard time getting your fussy eater to try new foods

Problems with bullying at school

Trouble communicating with your teenager?

a hard time setting limits?

challenges as a single parent?

Introducing a new feature at the Intentional Parent, a weekly advise column of sorts where each week I will address your toughest parenting challenges.

Please send all questions to:

erin@theintentionalparent.com

When  writing your questions, please be as specific as possible

Look what I found! (Photo credit: malweth)

Sometimes, the best lessons in life are learned using the simplest tools!

PLAY, is the WORK of children, and our children are busy little workers!

If you spend some time observing your children, you will probably see that they can spend hours playing in wrapped fascination with the most unlikely of items.

Just this morning I watched a toddler spend 20 minutes opening and closing a kitchen cabinet, squealing with delight every time it shut.  While the cabinet itself held little interest for me, I couldn’t help but giggle myself  each time the little boy closed the cabinet and erupted in laughter !

Last Christmas, my son got this really cool looking remote control robot  toy.  Lots of flashy lights and sounds.  He was ecstatic upon opening it,  he literally began jumping up and down ( what little boy woldn’t be thrilled!)  But no sooner did I wrestle the toy out of its elaborate packaging (a time consuming task) then he had discovered that the box itself was much more fun.  He put the box on himself and spend an hour pretending that he was a robot!  No lights or sounds, but obviously the box was much more fun!

More than just providing themselves with a cheap form of entertainment, children are learning when they engage in this sort of play.

For most toddlers, their interest in what’s inside the kitchen cabinets begins as soon as they are able to scoot themselves across the room and get inside.  I know that they make lots of gadgets, locks and other devices aimed at keeping children out of cabinets (I’ve used many of them myself!).  But what would happen if you let them loose to explore those cabinets (at least the ones that don’t house anything dangerous or breakable).  What could your children learn from playing with pots, pans and Tupperware?

Related articles

• 1,000 Ways To Play With A Cardboard Box (lauragraceweldon.com)
• Getting Clean, Learning and Having Fun (shareitforward.ca)
• Jaydon cleans out the kitchen cabinet, Tupperware everywhere (jaydonanddaddy.com)
• Kitchen cabinets … “Just a Box” (organizationaccessories.wordpress.com)

Raising Great Kids

Raising GREAT KIDS, in less then ideal circumstances.

More and more of us are raising kids in situations outside of the traditional nuclear family.  There are more single parents today than ever before, for reasons as varied as the composition of these families themselves.

Raising kids is tough under the best of circumstances, but when you add all of the additional stresses that go along with single parenting and co-parenting, the challenge can seem insurmountable.

Co-parenting after a divorce provides a particular set of challenges.  While there are some couples that go through a divorce amicably, work things out, and manage to remain on friendly terms, quite often this is not the case.

Feelings of hurt, mistrust, infidelity, animosity and anger are often just below the surface, and at the very least make co-parenting a difficult endeavor.  But it doesn’t have to be this way, while I wont say that it is “easy”,  a productive relationship is usually possible.  To make a co-parenting arrangement work you have to try and move beyond the hurt and anger.  You need try to recreate a relationship with your ex-spouse, a relationship wholly different then the one you had before.  A relationship as parents able to work together (to some degree) for the good of your children.

If you find that you are struggle with your co-parenting relationship, here are some simple strategies to start moving forward and creating a more workable relationship with your ex, and find more joy and piece in your own life.

The only person you can change or control in anyway is yourself.  This is perhaps the key to any successful relationship.  You cannot “make” anybody do anything.  I mean realistically, if you could have morphed your ex into the type of parent/ partner/ person you wanted them to be, chances are you wouldn’t be divorced. If you couldn’t change them then, you certainly aren’t going to be able to do it now.   The only thing that you can change, is your own behaviors and attitude.  If you change your response to a situation, you’ll change the dynamics.  Accepting this idea, and learning to “let go” can be difficult, but  remember, small changes can have monumental effects.

Never bad mouth the other parent in front of your children, no matter how tempting.  This even applies to those times when he’s late for a visit (again) or she doesn’t call your son o his birthday.  Listen to your children, support and validate their feelings, but this is not a place for you to vent or express your own feelings.

Have a support system.  You will have feelings that you need to vent (just not to your kids), have people in your life that you can talk to, friends, parents, family.  If this isn’t enough, join a support group or get counseling.

Take care of yourself.  Self-care is so important, and so often overlooked.  As parents we are often so involved in taking care of others, we continually put our own needs on the back burner.  When you make yourself a priority, you are calmer and more centered, better able to meet the challenges which you are presented with; in short you are a better parent.  It is truly a win-win.  It doesn’t have to be a day at the spa or a weekend away (but ooh… wouldn’t that be great!)  Self-care can be as simple as grabbing a coffee with a friend, or going for a walk; whatever works for you, find the time to do something for yourself.

Remain focused on your child’s best interest, not what you want to see happen.   I know this sounds like common sense, but believe me, we all lose sight of this from time to time.

If you find yourself constantly at odds with your ex, maybe its time for some fresh perspective.  If you are clashing over an issue, take a moment to consider the others point of view, maybe they have a point (and it’s not merely to annoy you).  If you are open to the possibility that you are not always right (just most of the time!) you will have a much more productive co-parenting relationship.

And finally, be the rock of stability for your children. Keep your focus on meeting their needs and being the best parent that you can be.

If you are able to follow at least some of these steps you will likely find that you are more content, have much less stress, and happier kids.  The best part is, these are all changes that you can make, on your own, they don’t require anybody else’s cooperation or participation!  You have the power to enact  these positive changes!

I’d love to hear from you, what are your thoughts on Co-Parenting, and what has helped you?

Related articles

Top 10 Tips for Divorcing Parents (my.psychologytoday.com)

Divorce Tool Box Divorce Coaches Offer 8 Tips During International Child-Centered Divorce Month on How to Effectively Co-Parent After Divorce (prweb.com)

When it’s too cold to play outside…

After what has thus far been a very mild winter here in the Northeast, it is finally cold.  Too cold to play outside, ride bikes, or do pretty much anything that will allow active youngster to burn off some energy.  Okay I admitt it, if given their way the kids would still be outside any chance they got, it’s me I am just too cold to do it anymore!

Anyway, with this being a 3 day weekend, I started looking around for some new and creative activities to do indoors.  There are some really great ideas out there, I may be set until the spring!

Here are some of the creative and recourceful ideas that I came across:

Image via Wikipedia

20 Fun, Indoor Activities for Bored Kids

Duct Tape Drums

Indoor Physical Activity for Bad Weather Days

20 Indoor Activities for Kids – besides TV

Play Dough Recipes

Rock Candy Recipe

Indoor Foot Volleyball

Indoor Miniature Golf

Winter Activities

Indoor Games

Image by paparutzi via Flickr

Looking for that silver lining?

How to be more positive

Sure we’d all like to be more positive, but sometimes it just seems so hard.  Especially when you’ve have had one of those days, where anything that can go wrong does!  Lets face it, life can present you with a lot of challenges on a daily basis.

But, positivity comes from within, it is an attitude, a learned behavior.  Learning to be positive provides you with a resiliency to help you weather difficult situations and find more joy in the day to day.

Think about it, positivity really has little to do with external factors, many people are unsatisfied even when good things happen, they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Other individuals come through the most horrific of life circumstances while continuing to look for that silver lining.

As a parent, learning to be positive has the added benefit of not only making you a happier person, but a better parent as well.  You are teaching your kids the benefits of having a positive attitude through modeling; through your interactions with your children and others around you.  Children with a negative attitude are more likely to struggle in both school and at home.  By setting a positive example for them you are providing your children with resiliency and invaluable problem solving skills for life.

Need more benefits?  A positive attitude will help increase your self confidence and resiliency (ability to handle any challenges that may come your way).  As a parent it helps to reduce parental guilt (you will learn to be nicer to yourself overall).  It helps to strengthen you relationships with your children and decrease power struggles.

Ever heard the expression attitude is everything?

It’s a real win-win!

So how do you become more positive?

Positivity can be learned, it is a skill do be developed.  It is a matter of attitude, and it is simpler then you may think.

Be more aware of your thoughts.  Transform negative thoughts into positive ones.  This may take some practice, but like any skill, practice and persistence are key.

Tell yourself “I can” not “I can’t”

Spend some time each day thinking of positive things that happened during the day, (there is always something.)  You can do this as a family as well, ever since my kids were very young, part of our nighttime routine has been to talk about our favorite part of the day.  This conversation can also be part of dinner conversation, or even in the car on the way to dance class.  The key is to focus on what is good.

And remember to beware of your surroundings.  Avoid negative people and surround yourself with positive people.

Thinking positively is the first step to transforming your life.  Give it a try, you’ll be amazed at the results.

I’d love to hear from you, what have you done to adopt a more positive attitude, and what  results have you seen?

Related articles

• Live Positively and Give It Back (iwanttobethebiggestloser.wordpress.com)
• Seven Ways Perfectionism Stops You From Success (popiwinters.wordpress.com)
• Possitive Atitude Can Change The World Around You (socyberty.com)
• The Powers of a Positive Mental Attitude (mathilic.wordpress.com)
• The Powers of a Positive Mental Attitude (mediumsworld.wordpress.com)
• The Most Important Skill You Will Ever Learn (socyberty.com)
• Change Attitude – Change The World Around You (thecoach2yourlifechange.wordpress.com)
• The Importance of Positivity (inspiredeverymoment.wordpress.com)
• Recipe for self-confidence includes positive attitude (usatoday.com)
• Success Begins in Your Mind – 7 Steps to a Positive Attitude and a Life You Love (daphnegan.wordpress.com)
• 80% of Parenting Is Modeling (blogher.com)
• Mindful Parenting: Resilient Children: Parenting in a Rapidly Changing World (ucsdcfm.wordpress.com)
• Attitudes Are Contagious (doinglifedifferentlydailydevotional.wordpress.com)
• Kids Understand Benefits of Positive Thinking (psychcentral.com)
• How To Be Happy: A Timeless Guide (personalexcellence.co)
• Teachers And Parents’ Influence On Children. (tonavicblog.wordpress.com)

http://www.dreamstime.com/free-stock-photo-kid-with-daddy-rimagefree1215355-resi2316010

As a parent, it can be difficult to Move beyond the “Because I Said So” mentality, and use reasons your kids can identify with.  By incorporating “kid reasons” into your parenting however, your help your children not only learn to listen, but they learn cause and effect and enhance their capacity to problem solve.

“Kid Reasons” is a great parenting technique which helps to improve your child’s behavior, decrease power struggles, and enhance your relationship with your child overall.

And you wont believe how simple it is!

Kid Reasons help children understand natural consequences using simple, short, age appropriate explanations that kids can relate to.  Reasons that will appeal to a child by showing them cause and effect, and helping them understand how their actions effect others.  These are powerful teaching tools that help children understand their behavior and its effect.

Here are some examples:

If you play near the stairs you may fall and get hurt.

If you throw your toy you may break it or hurt someone.

If you eat healthy food you will have more energy to play.

If you pull he cats tail, she may scratch you.

These examples are simple and to the point ( kids tend to tune you out if you are too wordy, or over-explain) and they use natural consequences  that children can understand.

Think back to your own childhood for a minute, and you can probably recall hearing reasons such as, “because I said so…  because I’m the parent,” or maybe, “just because”.

How did you feel?  angry, resentful, belittled, annoyed?  How would you feel today if your boss at work, or a spouse used those phrases? chances are you’d be more then a little annoyed.  As parents though, most of us have probably resorted to this type of reasoning with our own children at one point or another (it’s just so easy!)

Or, perhaps you have realized all of this already, and have made a conscious effort to explain everything in detail to your child, so she understands that she can’t play on the stairs, pull the cats tail, throw her toys, or call her brother names.

unfortunately over-explaining may not work much better.  If each of these incidents requires a ten minute explanation, your kids are probably tuning you out.

As simple as it seems, children just often don’t fully understand natural consequences.

One reason for this is that children’s brains are not fully developed.  They don’t have the ability to figure out cause and effect and think through consequences (unfortunately many adults seem to be lacking in this area as well).  Children also lack social experience and therefore often learn through trial and error (and often it’s a lot of error).

In the end it is about helping your child learn to make good choices.

Using Kid Reasons has the added benefit of empowering your children, giving them the tools to begin problem solving and thinking through logical consequences on their own.  It is really a win-win!

I’d love to hear from you, what have your experiences been with using “kid reasons”?

As your children grow and develop you may find that playdates, don’t alway run smoothly.  Often, before you know whats happening your normally well mannored tot may be screaming, pushing, refusing to share or swinging from the chandelier ( don’t laugh, I’m sure that it has happened!)  You may find yourself spending more time on damage control than socializing.

Image via Wikipedia

As the weather gets colder, you will likely find yourself spending more time playing indoors.  Playdates are a great way to work with your child on enhancing their social skills. Here are some tips to help your playdates run smoothly.

1. Set reasonable expectations:  2 year olds are not great at sharing, a 4 hour playdate may be overwhelming for a 3 year old.

2. Be flexible.  If your child seems grumpy and in need of a nap it is okay to end the playdate early; if you planned an activity and the kids are not interested be willing to tweak it a bit, or give up and follow the kids interests.

3.  Don’t step in immediately, give kids the space to work out their own squabbles.

4. If the playdate is taking place at your house, go through their toys ahead of time.  Put away any “special toys” that your child may not want to share.

5. If your children are young (or still napping) don’t schedule the playdate around naptime.

6.  Set expectations about what to expect before the playdate even begins (this may be the most important step).  Talk to them about sharing and taking turns, using their inside voice (ie. no screaming) and whatever your specific expectations may be.

Remember to relax and have fun, kids will be kids, and they are going to act like it sometimes (okay probably alot!).

I’d love to hear from you, what are some tricks that you’ve used to ensure your playdates run smoothly?

.

Related articles

• Tips to Teach Kids to Share (declutterorganizerepurpose.wordpress.com)
• Playdate!! (theparkersperher.wordpress.com)
• How to help your child make friends (raisingethan.wordpress.com)
• What should I do when my preschooler fights with his friends during playdates? (raisingethan.wordpress.com)
• Playdates for Mum (livelifewithyourkids.wordpress.com)

Image by Sunfrog1 via Flickr

While the holiday season celebrates family and tradition, for many of us, it is just plain overwhelming and stressful.  For me it seem particularly acute this year.  Perhaps it was when I was asked by the forth person (in mid November) if I had finished my holiday shopping yet!  Maybe it was the frenzied stampedes I saw shopping on Black Friday (on TV from the comfort of my own home) but the holiday season and all of the stress that goes with it, is now officially in full swing!

Much of the stress associated with the holidays has to do with expectations: expectations of gift giving, family commitment, and just general over-scheduling.

The best way to alleviate this stress is to manage expectations.

Adjust your attitude to focus on what matters most.  Take inventory, what do YOU WANT TO DO this holiday season.

Learn to say NO without feeling guilty.

Create new traditions.  It can be difficult to recreate all of the old family traditions year after year.  This is especially true as children get older, and family members move away.  Look for opportunities to celebrate the holidays in new ways.

Focus on doing, not buying.  It is so hard this time of year not to get swept up in the frenzy of shopping and buying, but try to keep the focus on what you will be doing, who you will be seeing, and not on the gifts.

Take care of yourself.  Make sure that you are eating well and getting rest.  Don’t run yourself ragged.

If you have young children, remember that if the holidays are overwhelming for you, it is even more so for children.   As much as possible try to maintain a regular schedule.  Keep family gatherings low key.  If possible leave them at home with a sitter while you shop (or even better, shop online!)

What will you be doing to maintain your sanity this holiday season?

Related articles

• ‘Tis The Season…To Manage Holiday Stress! (bbhabash.wordpress.com)
• De-Stressing the Holidays and Enjoying the Season More (medcitynews.com)
• What Do You Dread Most About The Holiday Season? [Holidays] (jezebel.com)
• It Is Officially The Holiday Season! (videogum.com)
• Master the Holiday Season (zingarapoet.net)

Image via Wikipedia

Kids are all born with their own distinctive personalities; as they grow, these differences often become more pronounced.  One such distinction is introversion and extroversion.

While both introversion and extroversion come with their own set of issues, parents of introverted children often feel frustrated as they watch their their children struggle with social situations, often preferring to be alone (this can be especially difficult for extroverted parents).

Contrary to popular belief, an introvert doesn’t necessarily mean shy or timid( http://theintentionalparent.org/blog/do-you-have-an-introvert-or-an-extrovert-bringing-out-the-best-in-your-child/ ).  The terms introvert and extrovert merely refer to where your child gets their energy.  I happen to have an introvert who is not the least bit shy, but very unapologetically likes to play by himself, and gets easily overwhelmed in social situations.

An introvert gets there energy from being alone, social situations can be exhausting.  An extrovert on the other hand gets their energy from being with others.  If your child falls into one of the extreme ends of the spectrum and is either very introverted or very extroverted, you’ve probably already realized this about your child.   Understanding these differences allows you to draw out the best in your child and provide them with the nurturance they need.

So how do you as a parent, nurture a child who happens to be an introvert (please feel free to share your experiences and advice as well)

Accept your child’s temperament.  They need patience and understanding, not fixing.

Encourage them to become involved in new activities, but  don’t push. 

Recognize and respect your child’s need for solitude.  If you see that your introverted child is becoming cranky or overwhelmed in a social situation, help them get some downtime.

Set them up for success.  The more success an introverted child experiences in social situations, the more extroverted they will become.

Give them the time and space they need for solitary time, build it into your routine and it will become easier.  Introverted children can become worn out after a day at school, play date, or  a party, they may need some quiet time in order to recharge.

Just because traits such as being an introvert are inborn does not mean that they are not susceptible to change from environmental conditions.  Humans possess plasticity, they are molded by their environment as well.  Understanding this, as a parent allows you to act with intention and bring out the best in your child.

Related articles

• Are more people introverts or extroverts (wiki.answers.com)
• Are You an Introvert? (socyberty.com)
• Extrovert vs Introvert (timetoexplore.wordpress.com)
• Everything You Wanted To Know About Introverts, But Were Afraid To Ask (bluemustang5.wordpress.com)
• So You Think You’re an Introvert (psychologytoday.com)

Image by Tathi Sobroza via Flickr

Kids love the chance to participate in the decision making.  Weather it’s picking out their clothing, deciding on what movie to watch, or what desert to eat there are many benefits to letting your child have a say.  Giving kids the power to make choices goes a long way in enhancing their self esteem, ability to make decisions, and decreasing power struggles.

A parents most of us are all too aware of the how our kids are constantly testing and pushing limits.  A toddler may refuse to put on their shoes, or eat a certain food. A teenager may balk at their curfew or resist doing chores,  but in the end, they are all struggling to assert their independence, and learning to make decisions.

Testing limits is natural and healthy for a child’s growth and development, it is how they learn about cause and effect; it is how they come to understand the world around them.  While this limit testing can often be frustrating for parents, take a moment to put yourself in your child’s shoes.  Kids spend much of their day following directions.  They are told what to where, when to use the bathroom, how long they have to play, when to sleep, when to eat, what to eat…

Everyone likes to make choices, to have a say about what goes on in their lives, and our children are no different.

Life is a series of choices, both good and bad.  As a parent you can help your child learn to make good choices by guiding them and helping to understand natural consequences.  There are ways to incorporate decision making into your daily routine in a way that will be beneficial to your entire family.

Start by giving your child limited choices.  For young children, try giving them two options and count them out on your fingers.

Give your child a say whenever you can.  So much of their day consists of having to follow direction, give them lots of opportunities to have input.  Your child will love deciding weather to wear the green shirt or the blue shirt, or which vegetable they will have with dinner (notice that the choice is which vegetable, not do you want a vegetable).  While the choice of weather to drink milk or juice, will probably do little to empower your older child or teen,  there are many age appropriate choices that they will love to make.  For example, rather then telling your ten year old that they have to go to bed in an hour, you can try asking them if they want to watch TV or play a game for an hour before they go to bed.  You will likely see very different results with this simple shift in how you phrase the question.

kids that are empowered to make choices in their world are happier, have higher self esteem and have better decision making capabilities as adults.   Families that employ these strategies are less likely to engage in power struggles and have better communication.  It really is a win-win!

What types of choices do you allow your children to make, have you seen positive results?

Related articles

• A Little Control Goes a Long Way: Why and How to Use Forced Choice With Your Child (child-psych.org)
• Empowering Children (inyourbones.com)
• Musings on Choice and Children (psychologytoday.com)