Related posts:

1. Indian Food, Americans and a Short Man Curry night – a delicious way to start the weekend. ...

After the success of my downloads last weekend, I knew that since I would be opening up my book to thousands of new readers – there was bound to be a negative book review in there somewhere. Well, it happened on Sunday (click here if you want to read it - you can’t please everyone as my mama says).

But, I couldn’t help but be offended! As many times as you tell yourself that you won’t take it personally, and that you won’t let it affect you – well, it did! Until a few hours later when I got an INCREDIBLE one that took the sting off. A few hours later, I saw a tweet that went out: 

So, I responded! This would be perfect for my blog – I needed a good chuckle. She hit the nail on the head – my bad book review came from someone who hadn’t even read the entire book. Rayne’s notes on some of the bad reviews of the classics (like Wuthering Heights) below are simply hysterical.

Rayne Hall’s Funny Book Reviews

Rayne Hall writes subtle horror and outrageous fantasy fiction. She is the author of thirty books in different genres and under different pen names, published by twelve publishers in six countries, translated into several languages. Her short stories have been published in many magazines, e-zines and anthologies. Currently, she tries to regain the rights to her out-of-print books so she can republish them as e-books.

After living in Germany, China, Mongolia and Nepal, she has settled in a small Victorian seaside town in southern England.

I love it when readers who enjoyed my books post positive reviews on Amazon, Goodreads and elsewhere – but negative reviews can be even more fun.

Here’s a selection of my favourites I’ve received over the years:

Storm Dancer (dark epic fantasy novel)
“This book is too long. I had to spend many hours reading it. I’m busy and have other things to do.”

“The character of Queen Matilda is not believable” There’s no Queen Matilda in the book.

“Animal lovers: Do not buy this book! They don’t just sacrifice humans, but horses as well.”

“The women in this story are not as obedient as the Bible says women were in those days.”

“The book didn’t end how I thought it would.”

Bites: Ten Tales Of Vampires (short story anthology)

“The vampires in this book aren’t like Edward Cullen. Most of them totally creep me out.”

“I could have written a vampire story as good as any in this book if the editor had asked me.”

Daughters Of The Dragon (non-fiction)
“How dare this author write about women in China? I checked her credentials: she does not have a degree in sinology.”

Living & Working In Britain (non-fiction)

“I’ve spent three weeks in that country. Trust me, it’s not at all like this.”  The author lives in that country.

“If I had time, I’d dash off a book like this myself.”

Living & Working In Germany (non-fiction)

“This is not how I imagine Germany to be.”

“Clearly, the author has never met a real German”  The author is a real German.

How To Be A Freelance Journalist (non-fiction)

“I don’t want to do all this work. I just want to be a journalist.”

Writing Fight Scenes (non-fiction)

“I skipped the first twenty chapters because there was nothing of interest in them. I wanted to know how to structure a fight scene and the book doesn’t show that.” Chapter 3 is titled “Structure”.

Six Scary Tales Vol. 1

“What a rip-off! This book contains only six stories!”

Since some of these reviews were written many years ago and I no longer have access to them, I’ve quoted them from memory. The precise wording may have been different.

The Classics: Bad Book Reviews

Negative reviews from someone who clearly doesn’t get it can be annoying – but they can also be a source of hilarity.

I’ve browsed some review sites and found these disdainful comments for famous classics:

Pride And Prejudice (by Jane Austen)

“I found the story incredibly dated.” It was published in 1813.

“This is stupid. Why don’t those girls simply get a job?”

Wuthering Heights (by Emily Bronte)

“There is also animal cruelty, and most of the characters die off at an early age.”

“The book is not as good as the movie.”

Dracula (by Bram Stoker)

“The character of the count is a stereotyped kind of vampire you’ve already seen in two dozen movies.”  Stoker’s Count Dracula is the original from which the stereotype evolved.

Grapes Of Wrath (by John Steinbeck)

“What should I care about those people’s problems? I have enough problems of my own.”

Bleak House (by Charles Dickens)

“I’m on page 300 and there is no end in sight.”

Which of these reviews do you find funniest?

If you’re a writer, have you ever received a funny negative review?

See larger image Three Questions: Because a quarter life crisis needs answers (Paperback) By (author) Meagan Adele Lopez List Price: $14.99 USD New From: $10.79 In Stock Used from: $44.40 In Stock

Related posts:

1. Reviews of Three Questions (More Amazon Reviews on the “Three Questions” Amazon page.) The...
2. The Book Process: the beginning At this point, I would like a publisher to come...
3. Book Trailers – what is the point? The first time I saw a book trailer, I knew...

I was told to plan 30 days in advance – I started planning the night before.

Amazon gives you 5 days to promote your book for free out of 90 days. Most people tell you to only use 2 or 3 at the most your first time. I used 4 days.

One thing I did right – I tracked and didn’t give up until I reached my goal. I got people involved (on Twitter and Facebook), emailed all my closest friends and family and followed (some of) the wisdom of the authors who had previously gone before me.

I didn’t plan it, and I did it by the seat of my pants. I wasn’t even really sure what the point of giving a book away for free would be. Like I said in my initial post about why I was going to try out the promotion, I was afraid it would “devalue” my book (which was silly because it wasn’t selling more than a few a day anyway). What I didn’t mention was my fear that I was giving Amazon too much power. However, before I decided to enroll in KDP Select (Kindle’s monopoly on my book), my Barnes and Noble Nook ebook wasn’t selling at all. So, I figured I would try it out.

Amazon has 3,000+ new titles going for free nearly every day. The competition is tough.

The Night Before: Planning the Free Kindle Promotion

I decided to start the promotion the day before I ran it. Every post I began reading over the next few days giving tips on how to run a free Kindle book promotion suggested planning a month in advance (giving websites at least three weeks notice about posting). For example, the top site “Pixel of Ink” asked to give at least 30 days notice (probably why I never got on their site).

Before the book promotion, I was selling at my peak 3 ebooks/day. I never reached higher than #300,000 on Kindle’s best seller’s list. The night before I launched the book, I was ranked about 1,500,000 in Amazon’s ebooks. Nothing worth noting. That night, I spent 4-5 hours researching how to promote it.

I had two goals:

1. Reach the top 100 of Kindle Free Books Best Sellers
2. Break 5 figures in downloads.

I succeeded in both of these goals – I dedicated a LOT of time promoting it. Make sure you have reviews on Amazon before running a Kindle Promotion.

I knew that I needed to get a few of the heavy hitter free ebook blogs on board – ones with 1,000′s and tens of 1,000′s of followers. Every article that I read that night mentioned a few blogs that would help equal success. These are the blogs that the majority of free Kindle seekers go to, and these are the ones who come up first in Google searches. (Novel Publicity published one of the best articles that I found on tips for authors.)

(YOU CAN SKIP THIS PART IF YOU AREN’T AN AUTHOR INTERESTED IN PROMOTIING YOUR EBOOK)

Here’s where I submitted for FREE:

• Digital Book Today (Scroll to the bottom and see #12 to submit. They request that you have at least 10+ reviews with an average of 4+ stars rating. They posted my novel, but Anthony Wessel wasn’t too happy at my last minute submission – please don’t do what I did!)
• eReader News Today (I was supposed to submit three days before the promo & in order to be considered, you have to have a high rating in your reviews for them to post it. My mom was the one who noticed it was up – she happens to subscribe to their Facebook page – I was the first book on their listing!)
• Authors on the Cheap (Facebook page)
• Freebies4Mom (I haven’t seen this listed on any other book site, but she has nearly 200k fans on Facebook & a LOT of mommy fans. Heather’s site pushed my novel over the 5-digit download mark.)
• PAID – Kindle Nation Daily (I took $30 out of my Kickstarter money to market my novel for this promotion. It was worth it)

Other random sites that picked me up, but that you might consider submitting to!

• BookLending.com posted on their Facebook page (35,000 fans on Facebook at the date of this post)
• EReader Updates
• BookGorilla.com
• Mrs. Wizard Blog Spot

Twitter accounts that tweeted about it and will help promote Indie authors:

• Digital Ink Today
• Masquerade Crew
• The Luv of Books

Obsessively Track ebook Sales

Most articles suggest only promoting your book for 2 out of the 5 days at once. But for me, I was getting more and more momentum every day – I couldn’t give up after 2 days. Perhaps planning would have meant not giving up as many days. But the way I saw it, the more days I was ranking, the more exposure I was getting – to start from ZERO in a few weeks seemed pointless.

At the end of the first day, I was already #57 in the Kindle store’s free Contemporary Fiction, but hadn’t yet ranked anywhere in the entire Kindle store.

The end of the second day, I was getting closer! I was now under the top 200′s of the entire Kindle store, and had climbed to #16 in Contemporary Fiction. Over 3,000 people had downloaded the book so far.

But it wasn’t until the 3rd day (a Friday) that extraordinary stuff started happening. This is when the websites started posting about my book, and downloads were fast and furious.

When I hit #8 in Contemporary Fiction, and saw my name next to THE John Grisham – it was certainly a shock, and made me realize just how many people now had their hands on my novel.

I finally ended the promotion on Saturday night – and with over 11,000 downloads just in the United States (the UK hit didn’t garner nearly as many downloads) and hitting #28 in the entire Kindle Books and #6 in Contemporary Fiction at its peak – I felt like I had set out to accomplish my goals! Now, let’s see what I can do in a day knowing what I know.

The big question was – would I make any money after the promotion was over?

My ranking disappeared for a few hours, and when it reappeared, my novel was certainly higher than it had ever been. It’s now Tuesday and my book has remained around the top 3,000 to 5,000 paid Kindles and I’ve sold more in three days than I had ever sold before in the same time frame.

On a side note, the day after the promo ended – I received my first negative review and a second GREAT review. Unfortunately, the first reviewer didn’t take the time to read the entire book (that’s another blog post altogether – oy, it hurt!), and the second reviewer pleaded with people to FINISH it. YES PLEASE!

What would I do differently in promoting my Kindle?

I would have taken more time to plan, and put more thought into who I would have reached out to.

I would have jacked up the price the day before the promotion (value would have seemed better to those getting the free download).

I would have seeded the community with teasers.

But overall, I’m EXTREMELY happy with how it turned out, and HIGHLY recommend it to other indie authors. Now, it’s time to turn those downloads into a book deal!

See larger image Three Questions: Because a quarter life crisis needs answers (Paperback) By (author) Meagan Adele Lopez List Price: $14.99 USD New From: $10.79 In Stock Used from: $44.40 In Stock

Related posts:

1. Why I’m Running a Free Kindle Promotion Today starts the first day of my FREE three day...
2. 4 Days Left… The Parent’s Home I’m starting to get that nervous feeling...
3. 200 Pages, Three Days (and a bit of England vs. USA) Seriously, I’m not procrastinating writing this blog (she writes sitting...

I was a bit hesitant to do this free promotion for a couple of reasons.

1. I didn’t want to cheapen the book’s value (the ebook is already only $2.99 – you can’t get MUCH cheaper than that)
2. I would be giving it away for FREE – which means no moolah for me.
3. I was skeptical.

However, once I started thinking about the Pros…I couldn’t resist.

First of all, I would be getting incredible exposure that I hadn’t gotten before. This is an opportunity to get in front of possibly 1,000′s of people who will hopefully love the book so much that they won’t be able to resist telling their friends about it.

Secondly, I have a few relationships with mommy bloggers who blog about freebies, and can push it out to their community of 10′s of thousands of other mommys.

Thirdly, watching my book sail up the “Downloads” chart is incredibly exciting. While I’ve only ever cracked the top 30,000 Kindle paid downloads. This morning, I’ve already reached the top 1,000 downloads! WAIT!

As I write this and refresh my page, I’m now in the top 700′s and #57 in Contemporary Fiction Downloads. See what I mean?!!!

Finally, the end goal is publicity, more book sales once the sale ends and hopefully more write-ups.

I’ll keep you updated on how it goes!

Related posts:

1. Free Ebook Promotion, or How I Got Ranked with John Grisham in 4 Days I wouldn’t recommend doing the free ebook promotion how I...
2. Dining, Writing, Traveling and Running…Oh My! Dinner Parties abound! (I almost wrote “dinner parasites abound!” –...
3. Giveaway on Displaced Nation Displaced Nation’s next giveaway and interview…. - See below for details on...

Katie McGrath is Executive VP at Rodgers Townsend, a St. Louis-based, fully integrated advertising agency that serves national clients.  She joined them in 1998 and can’t believe how the time has just flown by.

Prior to that she held leadership positions at DIMAC Direct and ClarionDirect. Her career path has been boosted more by great luck and wonderful mentors than sound strategy, and she’s loved every day of it (not counting a dreadful stint in Dallas working for a Sears siding licensee – she doesn’t like to talk about that).

She’s single but lives in a house big enough to accommodate frequent sleepovers with her nieces.  Her life’s ambition is to be named Aunt of the Year. She’s the only one in her large family who decided to take a different path from the lawyer/doctor route. We laughed about this, but it’s amazing how much of an impact your siblings’ choices end up having on your life.

My favorite quote of hers was “I’m also better at laughing and sleeping. I wake up in a good mood and tend to stay that way until the day’s end.” – says so much.

1. You mentioned that you’re the only one in your family who isn’t a doctor or a lawyer. So, what do you do that’s better than anyone else in your family?

Katie: Years ago this wouldn’t have occurred to me, but now looking back I wonder if I was better at forging a different path than my siblings. My dad was a warrior and pioneer of sorts, the son of two Irish immigrants who were always broke. He won academic scholarships to high school, college and law school, so he was all brains, yet he also was a WWII hero, winning the Naval Silver Star for heroism aboard his battleship in the south Pacific.I’m not saying I’m smart or brave like my dad, but I believe am like him in that I didn’t feel it necessary to do what my family expected me to do, or anybody else, for that matter. My siblings seemed to feel compelled to walk a prescribed road.

I’m also better at laughing and sleeping. I wake up in a good mood and tend to stay that way until the day’s end.

2. If you could give one tip to blooming marketers out there, what would it be?

Katie: My first boss in my first marketing-related job said to me on my first day, “Honey, if you like being wrong you’re going to love it here.” What he meant was that in our line of business, direct response marketing, we were constantly testing things in a controlled environment to see which variables had the most positive impact on results, whether that be transactions, value of purchases, customer feedback, etc. He taught me that I could learn as much from the things that didn’t work as the things that did.

That’s still true. So my tip would be to stretch, to experiment, to use your imagination to do things your client hasn’t tried or customers haven’t seen. Some will work, some won’t. You’ll be ahead either way in the experience department.

OK, I have another tip, a related one: never take a job just for the money. I know that sounds pat, but by the time we get our second or third paycheck at a new salary level we’re accustomed to whatever type of living it allows. Other variables are at least as important. Will you be encouraged or allowed to learn new things? Is your supervisor someone you will enjoy and respect? Is it realistic to expect a decent quality of life? If you find something you love, s place you love, the money will come.

3. If you could pick one characteristic from each of the cities you’ve lived in, and mesh them together into one city – what would those characteristics be?

Katie:I’d love my family ties of St. Louis, the lakefront of Chicago and the vibrancy of New York. I want nothing from Dallas.

Related posts:

1. Get to Know You Questions…for Women There’s a reason why asking three questions works. It’s short...
2. Three Questions with Kara Lipson, Casting Associate Extraordinaire I introduce to you the very first “Three Questions” interview (based...
3. Three Questions with Toni Hargis, #Expat Mum, Author & #NonProfit Queen See larger image Three Questions: Because a quarter life crisis...

Based off my original post on Smitten by Britain, I re-explore my stint as a professional wedding goer on both sides of the pond in Expat Blog’s “Displaced Nation”. They asked me to tell what I wanted my future wedding to look like…I didn’t want to reveal:

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that with all of these weddings I didn’t think about how I would like my half British, half American wedding to go…but I simply can’t admit to what I dream of just yet. Call it superstition or what have you, but until I get engaged I won’t disclose my dream wedding. My worst nightmare is having my dream wedding down on paper, and then it never happening!

In the meantime, I’ll continue to break down the weddings I go to and figure out which bits I want to keep for myself.
(Click here to read more)

Writing: C is for Characterization

Over at the blog The Masquerade Crew, they had a month challenge where writers wrote in to give tips from A to Z. I took C – as characters and characterization is one of my favorite things to discuss. (The ex-actress in me comes out!). Below is an excerpt, click the title if you want to read more!

Whether you’re studying classic acting techniques by Meisner, Stanislovsky, Adler or Commedia Dell’Arte, you will be observing human interaction, movement and habits.

You don’t need to know the specifics of each of these teachings to understand that in order to realistically and believably act as another person, you must first have a basic understanding of how humans engage. Human engagement can be anything:

• the way a person holds his/her coffee cup
• a body posture shift that happens when he/she is getting hit on
• tension that arises when there is danger around
• the way two people shake hands
  (Click here to read more) 

“Technology and Media: Quick Tips on Working Harder, Not Smarter”

Now, this is pretty cool. I’ve been asked to speak at a networking event put on by eWomen Network here in Chicago. The title right now doesn’t exactly say what I’ll be speaking about – yes, it will be social media, but it’ll also be using 20 years of acting techniques (similar to my post above) to educate how people interact on social media.

If you are in Chicago, and want to attend, please sign up at the eWomen Network website.

Related posts:

1. I’m a Guest Blogger! I’ve been asked to guest blog, and if you are...
2. The Big Blog Swap – 20 Something Mum Takes Over Last week, Littlemummy.com thought up the idea to get everyone...
3. Guest Posts & Happy Stuff All this plane flying has given me some time to...

This week, we have Brittany Laughlin who describes herself as someone who wants to do everything. This makes sense since she is one of the most successful female entrepreneurs that Chicago has (although now, sadly, she’s leaving us for New York to work an undisclosed project). She was recently named one of the world’s top ten trailblazing women travelers (right next to Angelina Jolie and Amelia freaking Earhart by Cheapflights.com).

She’s been to all 7 continents, 36 countries and hops on a plane nearly every other week, according to Business Insider.  Previously, she co-founded gtrot - a local discovery tool. And, she launched new products at American Express OPEN.

So, yeah, I’m excited to have her answer these three questions.

1. What is the craziest mode of transportation you’ve ever taken, and where were you?

Brittany: I rode a mountain bike with broken breaks, down a mountain in Bariloche. It wasn’t until half-way down until I realized the breaks were broken. Talk about a surprise thrill ride.

2. What is the greatest thing you’ve learned being an entrepreneur?

Brittany: Anything is possible. I’ve gotten to meet people with huge crazy ideas and they’ve taught me that if you have an idea, it’s worth trying. If it fails, you’ll still learn something. It all starts with taking that first step.

3. What question have you always wanted to be asked, and never been? (Seems like a cop-out question, but it’s not. I think this question tells a lot about someone)

Brittany: (Oh, this is a good one, but tricky!) If you could go back in time and change your major in school, what would you study? Mathematics — I loved Calc and Calc-based Physics. I’m curious how much more I could’ve learned. Might be something to check out down the road…

So excited to have had Brittany on here. What question do YOU wish someone asked you, but never has?

See larger image Three Questions: Because a quarter life crisis needs answers (Paperback) By (author) Meagan Adele Lopez List Price: $14.99 USD New From: $10.79 In Stock Used from: $44.40 In Stock

Related posts:

1. Three Questions with Kara Lipson, Casting Associate Extraordinaire I introduce to you the very first “Three Questions” interview (based...
2. Professional Review for “Three Questions” See larger image Three Questions: Because a quarter life crisis...
3. Get to Know You Questions…for Women There’s a reason why asking three questions works. It’s short...

Time to Act

So, it’s April again (nearly), and I’ve been itching to act again. Let me clarify, I’ve been itching to get on stage in a live theater or on film and perform. I posted it yesterday on Twitter and Facebook, and got a few responses from ex-actors who feel the same way. For those of you who don’t know me, I started studying acting at eight years old, went to an arts high school, studied at USC in Los Angeles, and acted in a few bits of TV, film and lots of theatre up until three years ago.

Instead, I started writing.

The Challenge

So, now that I know I’m not the only one out there who used to act and/or perform, I need a partner in crime to go and actually act. I don’t want to make a career of it anymore, but I do want to create a character and get up and do it.

If you’re interested in keeping each other accountable, and have been complaining that you miss it, let’s go and do it together. And email each to make sure we’re actively seeking some sort of gig.

Waddaya say? If interested, tweet me @meaganadele or shoot me an email meagan at ladywholunches dot net.

This could be fun….imagine getting to look like this again:

Related posts:

1. Script Frenzy Month of Chaos! Tomorrow starts the month of torture – the best kind....

I’m so grateful to have readers who appreciate it – male or female.

Jon-david, local Chicago celeb, hairdresser and fellow author of a series called The Mafia Hairdresser, says it best in his recent AWESOME review of my book at The Local Tourist blog:

I hate Chick-Lit. I’m a dude. I may be gay and a hairdresser, but I’m a guy so I think like a guy: I do not want to over analyze broken relationships nor talk about my feelings let alone read about them.

However, he went on to say:

Meagan Adele Lopez has woven what seems to be two storylines, a philosophy to ask questions of oneself and others for personal growth, and page turning prose into a delightfully relatable story that both women and men of all ages can enjoy. Her writing style seems as straightforward and transparent as the main character seems to be but when you get near the end of the book you irrefutably understand that you never saw what was coming because you thought you knew where you were going.

I’m so touched that my first professional review is a GLIMMERING one! I couldn’t have asked for more praise in this review.

A little bit more of the review to whet your appetite, (and if you want to read the full review, please go to this link “Book Review: Three Questions”):

And my hats off to Meagan Adele Lopez for coercing me to feel like I caught a glimmer of what it was like to actually reason like a woman; as well as be able to show how a man thinks. I related to the men characters and that is why I know men will love Three Question too but damn it if this book won’t get you thinking or relating about how you (dis?)function in your own relationships and career goals.

Thank you so much, Jon-david! I’m so appreciative that you not only took the time to read my novel, but write about it.

Related posts:

1. What People Are Saying about “Three Questions” So, I’ve had a few people email me recently with...
2. Three Questions with Brittany Laughlin: Traveler, Entrepreneur & Trailblazer As some of you may know, I wrote a little...
3. Separating Personal from Professional (This post is not an example of separating the two,...

Since we didn’t actually start getting serious until four months later, we have two anniversaries. This March anniversary is a fun, casual date that always involves some sort of gambling. Our first ever date, we gambled – so, we carry on the tradition!

Our first anniversary, we went to the dog races in Portsmouth and won a bet on a dog named “Vegas” and “Ghost Dog” (or something VERY similar – it was bizarre).

Our second anniversary, we hit the Bingo tables with all the other blue haired ladies, and lost terribly.

Our third anniversary, we bought a bunch of scratch off tickets, and spent the evening scratching one off for every beer we had. We won $5.

So, for our fourth anniversary, we decided to gamble our entire evening…meaning, there was not one decision we could make on our own, we had to either flip a coin, spin a roulette wheel app, or pick a name out of a jar.

I knew the evening was going to go awry when we started naming “types of cuisines” (everything from delicious French to mouth-watering Thai food), but I threw in “Irish” as a joke at the end. Well, of course, I picked “Irish” out of the 16 other types of cuisines. I love Irish pubs on a good day, but not exactly the most romantic way to spend a four-year anniversary.

We threw in a bunch of shady places, but luckily the one we picked was Timothy O’Toole’s – not too far away, a fun, lively pub (underground), and one I had been wanting to go back to for some time (not sure why…).

The next steps went like this:

• Number each item on the menu
• Associate number with number on roulette wheel
• Order whatever item the roulette wheel fell on

Needless to say, Jock was limited to veggie choices (he gave up meat for Lent) – and ended up with 1. a pretzel and 2. a bread bowl of tomato soup. But is soup supposed to do this??

I ended up with a Reuben sandwich (which I haven’t ordered since I was a teenager), and we both drank some Stouts mixed with Sam Adams (because the wheel told us to).

The next place we went was determined by a coin – we picked North or South, and then headed in that direction to the first bar we saw. Whether or not we met up with some friends was also determined by a flip of the coin, and the rest of our night, we had to drink the following beverages:

• Bloody Mary
• Gin Spritzer
• Red Wine
• Lager
• Stout

Surprisingly, I feel pretty damn good today.

Moral of the story? It may sound freeing to not have to decide anything for an entire night, but ultimately, you know what you like better than some dumb iPhone roulette app!

Lots of love, Jocko.

P.S. If you want to see some embarrassing photos of us the night we first met, find my profile on Facebook.

Related posts:

1. Bingo “Bingo” because that’s how we celebrated our two year anniversary...
2. Photoblog of Stratford-Upon-Avon Jock and I headed to Stratford for our Anniversary –...
3. Getting to know someone Sometimes the simplest ideas are the most overlooked. I titled...