The Lampoon Journal

This Woman Is Famous Now For Some Reason

TLJ — Tue, 08 May 2012 16:09:13 +0000

Patricia Krentcil is now in the media’s spotlight because she took her 6-year-old daughter tanning. And because she looks like raw meat left out in room temperature for 6 days straight. It’s that brownish-purple color that really has everyone talking. Needless to say, numerous stories about the music she listens to, spoofs about her life and even celeb-fueled feuds, have catapulted her into 3 days of superstardom that the world hasn’t seen since that guy with the golden voice. So yea, she’s gonna be alright.

One Good Reason To Watch Glee

John Travolta Is Being Sued For Being Gay

TLJ — Tue, 08 May 2012 14:57:01 +0000

It’s been long known that John Travolta is a homosexual and lying to the general public about being straight and now he’s being sued for it. Not for lying but for the gay part. According to a masseuse in New York, Travolta looked up his Craigslist ad and hired him for $200 per hour to rub him down, but when he got there all Travolta wanted to do was rub his chub and touch the guy. To which I’m assuming the guy said, “hey man, I’m not gay.” Except he didn’t, all he said was “I don’t have sex with my clients.” Let’s see, a male masseuse who doesn’t have sex with his clients but was sent to massage John Travolta in a private hotel room but wasn’t expecting sex? If you ask me, he was just playing hard to get. That’s what I would tell my secretary if she were declining my advances. Or if I had a secretary.

Travolta 1 – masseuse 0.

‘Teen Mom’ Star Amber Portwood Is Being Evicted

TLJ — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 16:25:15 +0000

I know this is probably the most shocking news you’ve heard since Whitney Houston died, but that one chick who had a baby at age 16 and then was purveyed by MTV for the next two years sucking innocent girls in the midwest into a whorish whirlwind, is now being evicted from the government housing development she lives in. Despite making $280,000 in 2010 when she filed to live in Section 8 housing (really?!?) she lied on her application and now the government wants the home back to give to real teen mom’s that have bright futures. Ok, well they just want someone else to live there. Better?

In case you were wondering, yes, this is the same bitch who punched her fat boyfriend, Gary, and went to jail for spousal abuse. Mother’s Day is May 13th by the way. Mark your calendars.

Octomom Is Taking Your Tax Dollars To Get Her Hair Did

TLJ — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 15:47:02 +0000

Nadya Suleman, the woman who already had 6 kids and felt the need to enlist the help of a fertility clinic in order to use the invitro process which normally yields multiple pregnancy births and ended up with a litter of 8 more kids, declared herself destitute just after raking in $8,000 and a McDonalds bagel sandwich for posing nude for some magazine sold out of the back of a prius, is still paying over $500 to get her hair cut. Unless the salon takes food stamps I’m beginning to wonder just how fucked up our government can get before systematically imploding in on itself. The fact that we have become a nation that props up it’s lower class more than any other country in the world, the same lower class where 6o% deserve public assistance and get the help they need while the other 40% consists of women who have multiple children because the government was smart enough to give additional money per each child born so each baby plopped out in a Wendy’s bathroom is another paycheck.

I don’t mean to expunge my political beliefs here but I really feel that China is on to something. Maybe if we put her 14 kids to work building Apple computers for 19 hours a day we wouldn’t have such a depleted national reserve. Maybe if we didn’t monitor the use for the very funds that were given to the so called destitute we wouldn’t worry about them spending all their food stamps in strip clubs or on massages. The problem is you only give a man enough to survive. Any more than that and he becomes dangerous. When I give homeless people money I always ask them what they need and then I divide that number by 5 and give them that figure. If they say nothing at all or ‘whatver my kind heart decides,’ then they get nothing. I’m pretty sure Darwin is somehwere in my lineage. Anyways, as a side note to most diatribes I write, fuck Nadya Suleman.

‘Avatar’ Shatters Film Records, Topping Two Billion Dollars Worldwide; Still Beaten by ‘Dear John’

OMG I Hate Kim Kardashian

TLJ — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 16:28:45 +0000

I say this mainly because I’m not black and therefore don’t have a shot with her, but today I have another reason. Kim Kardashian has announced that she is running for office. Politcal office. Apparently the credentials to even get on the ballot for political elections in the United States has become so lax that even whores with no agenda or residency can now be entrusted with potentially running entire cities to the ground. But I don’t want to judge or develop preconceived notions. I’ll let her do that for me. The first speech she gives to announce her campaign will most likely be done at either at a club in Las Vegas or at a Popeyes.

Dick Clark Died

TLJ — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 14:20:07 +0000

Dick Clark is best known for his role as host of American Bandstand by your parents, but you probably best recognize him as the walking induced seizure on television during New Years Eve celebrations. In between glorious champagne toasts and shots from that one chick’s chest, you may happen to glance over at the TV and see Nick Lachey escorting some old guy around the stage while waiting for the ball to drop. The sad thing is, when you have a life and are out on New Years like most everyone, there is usually music or people talking or you’re too black out drunk to notice that he couldn’t function complete sentences. Hearing him talk was like taking a whole bowl full of peanut butter and putting it in your mouth at once and then trying the cinnamon challenge and then delivering a monologue. And then hosting a show seen around the world. That being said, I can’t believe he has died. I will mourn this utterly shocking news for days.

Kim Kardashian is Dating Kanye West

TLJ — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 14:34:18 +0000

Although her marriage isn’t quite over yet, Kim Kardashian is being linked with Kanye West again. I say again because it was back in December 2010 when she was originally linked to him. This was around 2 weeks before she met Kris Humphries and about 5 months before she married him. What did Kanye have to say about that affair you ask? Well why would you have to ask him, just listen to him rap about it.

And I’ll admit, I had fell in love with Kim.
Around the time she had fell in love with him.
Well that’s cool, baby girl, do your thing.
Lucky I ain’t had Jay drop him from the team. (*)

This was taken from the song “Theraflu” and he of course is referencing “him” as “Kris Humprhies” and “Jay” as Jay-Z, part owner of the Nets who Humphries plays for. If you didn’t get that reference from the song either you have a real life or you don’t give a shit about anything I just said. And for that I applaud you.

At least Kanye already has 2 things going for him that he can relate to with the Kardashians. First, his name starts with a “K”. Seriously that whole K thing may be the gayest fucking thing ever. And secondly, he looks like a wax statue at all times. I have to check every image they are in just to make sure it wasn’t taken at Maddame Toussaud’s.

Ashton Kutcher Is Doing The New Steve Jobs Movie

TLJ — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 15:42:53 +0000

No, I don’t mean he’s having sex with the new Steve Jobs movie although I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to in some way, but Ashton will be playing the lead role of Steve Jobs in a new biopic about the austere life and times of the deceased Apple founder. The film which will be produced by an unnamed company is still casting but hopes to be out by 2013. There is already talk that this could be Kutcher’s Oscar role, but anyone who has seen him on Two and a Half Men or Dude Where’s My Car or anything else he has ever been in then you already know that unless this movie has a magician working behind the scenes, the closest to an Oscar he’ll ever get to will be the last time he fucked Demi Moore after she fucked Bruce Willis after he fucked Anne Heche.

Whitney Houston Was High On Cocaine When She Died

TLJ — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 17:20:30 +0000

I know this sounds unbelievable and like I made it up, but cocaine was found in Whitney Houston’s system the night she died. I know, right? My mind was blown too. When I first heard that I was like, I don’t believe it, it can’t be true. Surely her family wouldn’t lie about her not being high. They seem like such nice people. Who all do drugs and have sex with each other.

Well that’s the last time you’ll lie to me, Whitney Houston’s family. I thought we had something special, but I think you were just out for my tears.

Disney Lost $200 Million On “John Carter”

TLJ — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 16:11:18 +0000

If that sounds like I’m sarcastically saying that some guy named John Carter misplaced $200 million of Disney’s money, you’re not far off. The movie “John Carter”, which was distributed and paid for by Disney, cost around $250 million to make and another $100 million to put the trailer as and movie poster in about every form of advertisement possible made a paltry $100 million at the box office. I remember the good ole days when $100 million was a good showing at the box office. That was before movie studios became all fucking idiots and spent money like it was on fire and they had gasoline in their pockets. I get it, “Avatar” and “The Hangover” blew everyone’s minds about how much money they made, but for every “Avatar” there is a “Gigli” or “The Artist” or some other horrible movie that I’ll never watch.