The Lampoon Journal

It’s Kate Upton In The Most Unflattering Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover Ever

TLJ — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 16:16:07 +0000

Kate Upton is a gorgeous and accomplished bikini model by all standards despite being the tender age of 19, and nothing was more evident of this fact than her gracing the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition this year. That is unless you want to throw out the part of her being gorgeous and a good model because the picture they used made her look like a Lane Bryant model with pancake breasts.

Heidi Klum and Seal Are Getting Divorce

Hillary Clinton Knows How To Stand Out

TLJ — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 15:24:35 +0000

When Hillary Clinton visited the G20 summit this past week, she must have missed the memo about the dress code because all attendants were wearing white and she was wearing this Dwight Schrute-colored yellow ensemble and looking like she just crapped her pants. I don’t know what’s worse, wearing a solid color when everyone else is wearing such a soft white color or crapping your pants. I’m guessing it’s doing both at the same time.

Whitney Houston’s Daughter Celebrated Her Death By Reenacting It

TLJ — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 16:04:13 +0000

Whitney Houston was laid to rest this past Saturday in the best funeral a junkie who overdosed could ever have, and while there were many affectionate displays remembering Whitney, the most poignant display had to be her daughter, Bobbi Kristina, getting high after the ceremony had completed. According to the Daily Beast:

Just hours after watching an emotionally charged tribute to her doting mother, Whitney Houston, Bobbi Kristina Houston Brown decided she needed some time alone. So while friends and family convened at a local eatery in Newark, N.J., to remember the 48-year-old musical legend, Bobbi Kristina simply disappeared.

If there was anything Bobbie Kristina learned from her loving parents was that life is short so you better enjoy it – with drugs. In Whitney’s case it lasted 48 years, so BK, at the tender age of 16, probably considers the next 30 years a countdown to something already expected of her.

Lindsay Lohan Wants To Make $5 The Hard Way NSFW

TLJ — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 16:57:04 +0000

Once upon a time Lindsay Lohan was a cute actress with a budding career. The operative word there is “was.” It appears ever since Paris Hilton called her a fire crotch she has been in a downward spiral like water in the toilet. Wait, is that offensive to water in a toilet? I apologize for that. For the better part of the last 5 years she has taken to stealing things, driving while drunk, getting arrested, going to court, getting arrested again, going to rehab, getting arrested again, going to rehab again, getting kicked out of rehab and getting rested. In between that busy schedule she has been booted from 2 movies and not hired for about a thousand others. So now she is resorting to hooking. Finally, things are looking up!

The worst part about this is I have to put ‘NSFW’ on a picture in which she is fully clothed.

Whitney Houston’s Record Sales Surge

TLJ — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 17:57:36 +0000

The sales of Whitney Houston’s records has jumped to No. 2 on the iTunes charts thanks in large part to her dying. Either that or people who are really big fans of her music and not so much on current events went out and bought her music. There was some shit that Sony went all greedy and bumped the cost of her record up nearly 100% in order to profit from her death. People bitched and moaned and so they put it back down, but yea, Sony is pretty much the devil.

UPDATE: If you couldn’t tell, the picture is not a picture of her record sales but rather the only stock I own not in the red. Energy!!!

Whitney Houston Is Dead

TLJ — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 16:11:09 +0000

Less than four hours before the Clive Davis party at the Beverly Hills Hilton, Whitney Houston took a lethal dose of tequila and Xanax and decided to do the responsible thing and take a bath. Not that being responsible has always been Houston’s strong suit, but one would think booze and enough anti anxiety medication that could take down a rhinoceros that it would be a bad idea to rest in water. According to the LA Times:

Authorities collected several bottles of drugs from Houston’s suite at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, where she was found dead Saturday. But officials have said the amounts of drugs did not seem unusually large, leaving it unclear whether the medications had anything to do with the singer’s death. Officials are waiting for the results of toxicology tests on Houston’s body.

In case you were wondering, the party went off without a hitch while Houston’s lifeless body remain upstairs. And yes, those assholes knew what was up. That’d be like having a party in the same hotel an iconic singer who was supposed to attend just died in and going through with the party anyways. There’s literally nothing worse than that.

Gisele Bunchen Is Awesome

TLJ — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 16:46:23 +0000

During the 4th quarter of Sunday’s Super Bowl, there were several noticeable drops from the Patriots wide receivers that cost them the game. I saw it. You saw it. Giants fans saw it. So when Gisele was leaving the stadium and Giants fans were taunting her not because she’s really pretty and makes $40 million per year, but because husband, Tom Brady lost the football game. She could have replied, “he’s going to go home and bang the shit out of me, have fun driving your RV back to Brooklyn,” but instead she took the high road and said:

My husband can not fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time.

The only way she’d be better is if beer spontaneously poured from her tits.

Demi Moore Is A Pedophile

TLJ — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 17:44:37 +0000

Keeping on the Jerry Sandusky theme, Demi Moore was on the prowl for some sophomore cock before skipping her last 18 meals, smoking flavia, and then going into epileptic seizures. More notably, she was trolling for Zack Efron. Efron, who is 24, 1 year younger than Ashton Kutcher when he married Moore 7 years ago, was reportedly delighted to pass on the handfuls of normal aged vagina and go for the beat-up anorexic vag of his girlfriend’s grandmother’s former idol. So yea, it was pretty much either Demi Moore or Raquel Welch.

Jerry Sandusky Is Seeking New Jurors

TLJ — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 15:28:55 +0000

Due to the magnitude of attention that the Penn State scandal surrounding Jerry Sandusky and raping little boys is getting, his attorney’s feel their client has rights and deserves some anonymity for the upcoming trial.

“Jerry’s case has drawn national attention as a result of which we feel there’s no better place than Centre County from which to select fair minded individuals to sit as jurors,” Joe Amendola said in a statement emailed to reporters.

I’m guessing Joe Amendola is familiar with Centre County, which I’m not, but I’m guessing that it’s located on the moon.

Kim Kardashian Likes Black Guys

TLJ — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 17:24:39 +0000

Little Bow-Wow, a black guy, has strongly inferred to having sex with Kim Kardashian two years ago. By strongly inferred I just assumed he has because he’s black. She’s also been linked to Gabriel Aubry, Kanye West, Miles Austin, and I’m assuming half of the And-1 Tour. Anyways, confirming my assumptions, Bow-Wow said:

The rapper-actor is asked about hookups ranging from Ciara to Angela Simmons, and then the hosts inquire about Kardashian.
While he doesn’t divulge specifics – or even explicitly admit to it – Bow Wow implies strongly that he and the reality superstar had a tryst.
He says he hasn’t spoken to Kardashian in about two years, but describes her as a “sweet person” and “cool peoples.”
We wonder if she’ll feel this interview is “cool.”

I like how the interviewer just “picked” Kim Kardashian’s name out of a hat to see if he’d had sex with her before. I imagine her name comes up when most people are asking black guys who they’ve had sex with. Like Shaquille O’Neal, Drake, Michael Vick, OJ Simpson, Sidney Portier, or Bill Cosby.