The Lava Trolley

A chav by any other name...

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 18:23:00 +0000

"Directors of a travel company that sent customers an email
promising chav-free holidays have defended the move.

The email, sent out by Activities Abroad, included a list of names
travellers were likely to encounter on one of their holidays and another list
they would be less likely to meet.

Among the unlikely names were Britney, Kylie-Lianne, Dazza and
Shannon. The likely names included John, Sarah, James and Alice."

Taking the piss out of names may have been a seriously bad marketing ploy, but far more outrageous is this ridiculous 'Hug-a-Hoodie' attitude (even assuming that he doesn't try to knife you first).

"If I ever had any doubts (which I haven't) about banning the C-- word in
our house, I need look no further. Don't ever let anybody tell you that class is
not a live issue in Britain."

Of course class is an issue...It will always be an issue. Barring a few exceptions, people who have common interests and similar lifestyles will always gravitate towards one another. It's a natural part of our social existence. Deal with it.

You can't polish a turd...you can take the chav out of a council house, but you can't take the council house out of a chav...We've heard it all before. To consider the Biancas and Dazzas of this country part of the working class is a travesty for obvious reasons. It is, in fact, an insult to decent and hard-working people who may not have a lot of money, but somehow manage to educate themselves and earn the respect of those around them.

"The e-mail triggered a wave of publicity and controversy after it was
reported the email had offended some of the company's customers.

According to the company, only 18 people from the 24,000
emailed have written to complain about the e-mail."

This show of support is misplaced quite simply because it's encouraging the criminal underclass for, make no mistake, that's exactly what chavs are, and it is a reputation that they entirely deserve, so sympathy is wasted on them.

It's not what they wear, what accent they've got, or how much money they make, but the kind of behaviour they display that gives chavs all this bad press: anti-social, lazy and inconsiderate at the best of times; violent, destructive and dangerous at their worst. They never contribute; they only take. If all-the-above doesn't apply to you, then terribly sorry, you're just not quite chav material. Simple as. A high income, or lack of it, doesn't even come into the equation.

Whitewashing is never going to work...You can put a spin on any situation, but pandering to the politically-correct in this case still isn't going to make most of us want to walk on the same side of the road as a group of hoodies, let alone go on holiday with them.

Related Articles:
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Firm Defends Chav-Free Holidays

Eat fish...

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:14:00 +0000

...It's good for you!

The above image shows the side of a fresh fish shop in the coastal town of Fleetwood, near where we live. Its sign never fails to tickle David and I everytime we pass it on one of our Mustang broom-broom trots. Last weekend, I thought it might be a good idea to take a picture of it in case it decides to disappear like everything else in this country.

This fish shop always reminds me of a song by Mr Scruff, simply entitled Fish, which is just as quirky and amusing in its own right. I sing it everytime David makes his scrummy fish pie, bopping along to the bit that goes "fish, fish-fish, fish-fish". It really needs to be sung to a special beat, and in a certain voice.

Perhaps this fishy motif only has special meaning to us because our entire household loves seafood (our kitty, Magic, included of course...though she never says no to any kind of food anyway), and fish features very regularly in our diet.

Indeed, fish is of great significance in our life, so much so that it has inspired the name of our soon-to-be-created 2v2 WoW Arena Team - Eating Fish...Two words that also make up some of the lyrics in that song by Mr Scruff. Sadly, a theme tune is not needful for our team, and we haven't even got a banner (yet)...However, I already know what our battlecry will be...

[Cue for Drumroll]

...FOR THE LOVE OF SALMON!!!!!!!!!!

This can also be shortened to 'FOR SALMON!'...Hopefully, that will be the last thing our opponents hear before they let a Death Knight and Druid beat the shit out of them (even if it is because they're too busy pissing themselves laughing).

*This post is dedicated to all the fish that have died for our cause.

PS - To find out more about my life in Azeroth, I would like to direct you to my Gaming Profile on Gax, which contains another (brand-spankingly-new) blog of mine entirely about the World of Warcraft. Alternatively, you can click the Gax Badge in the right-hand panel of this page.

Last Bastion of Marketing Ambiguity?

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 12:51:00 +0000

Cheap and cheerful as it'd always made itself out to be, I could never quite work out the point of Woolies (though 'wooly' would be a better description of its image).

Usually, when you're looking to buy a certain item, a brand name or store would immediately spring to mind. Most of us would visit our favourite supermarket if we needed groceries, go somewhere like Comet or Curries for electronics, and perhaps Ikea or Argos for furniture etc...But think of Woolworths, and I can come up with no good excuse to go there (not even for sweets), except as a last resort when I have been everywhere else.

I was among the vultures when the closing down sale began, and found nothing I actually wanted (massive discounts notwithstanding). If ever there was a giant storage facility where people could just dump all their useless unwanted gifts, it would look like Woolworths. Pretty ironic then, that it would go bust at this time of year...I've never seen the place so busy!

My home this Crimbo has been the complete opposite. A quiet and chilled-out festive season can sometimes be a good thing, but not when the reason is lack of money. I did try my best to keep the Christmas Spirit alive, but all I got for my efforts were complaints regarding the X'mas music I was inflicting upon the poor souls (Bah! Humbug!) around me.

Apart from a few highlights (eg. masked ball, night visit to the Halo etc), the back-end of 2008 was pretty uneventful on a personal level...We just did the usual (eg. turkey dinner at friends, visiting family, cinema trip etc)...nothing majorly exciting at all. But then again, it has probably been more quiet and depressing for some others than it has been for us, so perhaps we should count ourselves lucky. I am debating whether I ought to even bother uploading any videos/photos of our non-celebration this year, and can't quite make up my mind.

Oh well, if I do decide to do that eventually, I will update this post...In the meantime, I'd like to wish everyone a Happy New Year...Chin up! It can't be this miserable forever, even if the weather says otherwise!

UPDATED: 10 January 2009 @ 17:14

Right...I have uploaded some pics to my Flickr Collections, and they include snapshots of a new haircut which I got yesterday...My hair was getting too long and too difficult to maintain, so I've gone back to having a bob again (until I get bored next time and change it to something else). I have also added a X'mas home video to my YouTube page, but the same one is on Flickr as well.

PS - Just realised this is my 100th post!!! WOOT! Quite appropriate really, since that's just one more than the number of years Woolies needed to last a century in trading.

Abuse from Top-Down?

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 17:38:00 +0000

"A father is demanding police say sorry for jailing him
overnight after he smacked his son on the leg.

Mr Frearson said he had told Harry to stay with him
because it was dark. But the boy left the shop, and
after a 10 minute search he was found in a nearby park.
He smacked him once on the back of his leg, and the
two returned home."

We imprison a father who genuinely cares about what happens to his son, but do nothing to stop the months of torture done to Baby P. Clearly, a system that doesn't know where to draw the line.

Only in Great Britain...

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Spotted in PC World

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 16:54:00 +0000

What a bargain...You can't get anymore basic than that!
It was the last one on the shelf too, so grab it before it's gone!!!

Wrong Side of 30

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 18:52:00 +0000

My 31st came and went with very little to mark it...Nope, not even a single line on my face...not yet at any rate!

The celebration (if it could be called that) was very low key (and low cost) at my request, but the highlight was definitely a trip to the Panopticons...and a scrummy dinner of Lancashire Hot Pot (a friend's speciality) rounded off with strawberries and chocolate fondue (consumed whilst watching the very first Singapore Grand Prix). I received a new gaming mouse from David, which arrived slightly belated, but I forgive him!

Our first stop was meant to be the Halo, but we got lost along the way. I didn't mind that so much as it is best viewed at night rather than high noon. My personal favourite's the Singing, Ringing Tree...After much discussion about this landmark with some friends at work, we've decided that it would've been more appropriate for it to have been named the Humming Cyclone, for obvious reasons. If you do a search on YouTube, you'll probably come across something which will play its haunting melody.

It was heartening to discover such beauty not so very far from Burnley, a drive through which proved rather harrowing...Some areas actually looked like the very depths of shellshocked hell. It didn't help that there was a big match on that day...Football having the tendency to bring out the rowdier elements of our community, and all that.

The Panopticons are a fairly new addition to the Pennines, but already you can see how industrious the vandals have been. Fortunately, the graffiti doesn't show up all that well on our photos...Let's just say I'm not a big fan of the urban look.

David took quite a few interesting pictures, and left the less arty snapshots to our mate Andy, who was also in charge of video. You can view more of the photos here.

The various features of the Panopticons are not signposted very well, so you have to do a bit of research to get specific directions to each of them. It can be a bit of a pain, but then again, I quite like the idea of fewer people being able to find these places...Makes the area more tranquil somehow.

No idea where our next daytrip will take us, but I'm sure I'll come up with something...Maybe the Forest of Dean Scupture Trail, or perhaps we could go check out the Wishing Fish Clock!

When god closes a door...

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 01:04:00 +0000

...Somewhere he opens a window.

Either that, or he was taking the day off when Photoshop was invented.

"The Archbishop of Canterbury said the
'pieces are on the board' to resolve the
row over homosexuality which threatens
to split the Anglican Church."
Enter a new paradox - the Gay Priest.

Then again, this sort of thing has been going on for generations...Clearly, there's much more taking place in the closet/booth than confessions!

Homosexuality and Christianity just don't make the best of partners (in bed or out of it), and although I bear no ill will against gays (far from it), having one as leader of a church community would simply be too hypocritical.

Let's just reserve this oxymoron for the occasional comedy gag (or as a name for the next new pub that opens in Blackpool).

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Jay-Z Who?

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 11:56:00 +0000

"Rapper Jay-Z stuck one finger up to Noel Gallagher
last night by starting his Glastonbury set with
a version of the Oasis hit Wonderwall – and
playing electric guitar."

I'd be the first to admit I'm not a fan of Hip Hop these days, and was a little baffled to hear one of its big names had been signed up to front Glastonbury. "WTF???", was my first thought. I think I'd have been less surprised to hear Oasis had won a MOBO award.

Muddy fields and tents are the sort of things I normally associate with the rocking Boho / Hippy / Indie crowd (how does one even begin to differentiate between them?), and I wasn't quite sure how bling would fit into the scene. But then again, things change. It's all about what's popular now (and what brings in the £££). If people want the likes of Jay-Z...Give it to them, I say.

Well, that was then...before the event. Jay-Z's childish reaction has only reinforced the opinions of those who found his presence at Glastonbury more than a bit incongruous. A shame really, since I was interested in finding out if Jay-Z could pull off a decent version of Wonderwall, and actually believed his take (if done properly) might prove refreshing. Sadly, his performance almost beat Amy Winehouse at the slurring game. Ironically, it also boosted sales for Oasis post-Glasto.

I should've known better...Glastonbury has always been a spectacle, and it's just got worse.

Sure, Gallagher's perspective was a bit harsh (though it has to be said that no criticism was actually directed at Jay-Z himself, or his music), but it was fair comment and one that was shared by many. Yet, instead of proving him wrong, Jay-Z turned it into a dissing match...Now, how is that about the music?

Related Articles:
Jay-Z at Glastonbury
Jay-Z Plays 'Wonderwall' at Glasto

Shades of 24

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 12:45:00 +0000

I don't pretend to understand much about American politics...I can barely keep up with what happens in my own country, nevermind the US!

For all I know, the election over there has been just as much of a farce as our Ken vs Boris popularity contest in London, with the public simply voting for the lesser of two evils (not like they were spoilt for choice...to be fair, I would have gone for Boris floppy-hair Johnson too).

Honestly speaking, I know nothing about the party or ideals that Obama represents, but there is something heartwarming about him being nominated for presidency (and most likely taking on the role) even if some people are probably only supporting him because he is black (or rather, half-black)...After all, it'll take a real retard to botch things up after Bush, and I'd like to think the world is in short supply of that!

Hopefully, this will mean that the fight against racism has come a long way...Or perhaps I'm just reading too much into it, a side effect of watching faaaar too many episodes of 24!

Whatever you feel about this, have a Happy Independence Day anyway, and good luck with the polls.

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Come Fly with Me

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 22:01:00 +0000

Davey had his first flying lesson today!!!

Ok, it's not technically his first since he has sort of fooled around (for a few minutes) with the controls of a friend's plane not long ago (and often plays FlightSim)...But this time, the hours he clocks in the air would count towards a PPL...and he was also allowed to bring me along as a passenger, together with our friend, Andy!

We did record quite a lot of the lesson on video (plus aerial photos), but the file would need condensing before I can upload it...so in the meantime, here are just a few preliminary shots of us taking to the skies in a Piper Cherokee.

Here's a pic of us waiting in the Pilots' Lounge (with some trepedition on my part).

There's Cap'n Gregory, cans and all, ready for take-off.

Andy shitting himself when Davey takes over the controls...

...And me looking increasingly dubious, whilst scanning the aircraft for a quick escape route.

It was pissing it down when we first clambered into the plane, but fortunately for us, the sun soon came out again...All in all, it went rather well (meaning we all got out of the experience alive, and in one piece...my jeans even stayed blue!), although it did get quite bumpy at times (and boy, you can really feel the movement of the plane as compared to your average commercial flight)!

The instructor was very good and amazingly relaxed (so I really recommend ANT)...He must have thought David could hack it because Cap'n Gregory was actually allowed to land the plane! Oooh!!!

Riiiiight, everybody out of the way...MY turn to fly now!!!

Fringe Benefits

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 19:49:00 +0000

I've been toying with the idea for quite awhile now...The last time I had a proper fringe was when I was around the same age as Zhouyi (about 8-years-old). But later, partings became the trend and since then, I've never been able to get my hair to sit right.

Anyhow, I thought I'd have a play with some virtual hairstyler thingy to see if it would suit me, and below are the results.

I know the photo I uploaded isn't the best (just too lazy to get a proper one done), but it's close enough. Besides, (as you can probably tell) the application wasn't all that brilliant anyway. Still, it's good enough for me to get the gist of things. All this requires is some use of one's imagination.

These three hairstyles are pretty much the same, just at different lengths. I think the idea of having a fringe is beginning to grow on me. Just one slight snag - I'll probably have to have my hair re-structured using the Rebonding System, or the Yuko System as they call it in the UK (I think)...which is extremely pricey.

Not to mention this would then lead me onto a separate issue of what to do with my newly-straightened and flattened hair when my ears start to stick out again...

Oh, decisions! Decisions!!!

Here's a chance for you to have some input...Look! I've even set up a poll (below) so people can tell me what they think! Not often you find me this efficient, eh?

PS - Oh, did I mention I received flowers at work again?

They were just a thank-you prezzie from a friend, in case anyone gets too excited (particularly the other half)!

Can't possibly be the same perv...

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:21:00 +0000

"Transport police have confirmed a woman
was sexually assaulted at Poulton railway station.

As revealed by The Gazette on Wednesday,
officers were investigating claims by a 21-year-old
Poulton woman that she was assaulted following
a journey on the 11:11pm train from Manchester Piccadilly
to Blackpool North.

And now officers say they are keen to
hear from witnesses stating they believe a
sexual assault took place at the station and
NOT on the train as previously thought."

Good grief! This reminds me of the pervert who sexually harassed me at that exact station a few years ago (in broad daylight too!), and then lay in wait for me on MY side of the platform when I had to take the train again the next day (even though he never got on the one for Layton / Blackpool where I was headed, which gave me the impression that he was going the other way...towards Manchester).

I got lucky both times as people appeared before he could take things any further. (At one point of time, he was trying to force my skirt up!)

Thankfully, my job was only part-time then. I decided to start later and finish work together with the rest my colleagues so someone could give me a lift home instead, which meant I didn't have to take the train anymore. At the time, I thought if I just ignored the 'problem', it would eventually go away. (Plus, it's not like I had any proof.)

I really hope the decision I made then will not come back to haunt me now.

Relevant Article:
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Pity the Neighbours

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 12:05:00 +0000

"EA has confirmed that Wii sing-along Boogie will come
with its own karaoke microphone when it's released in
Europe on 31st August.

Boogie is billed as the Wii's answer to the incredibly
popular Sony hit, SingStar - a karaoke game that
lets you belt out your favourite songs and scores
you on how well you perform.

However, EA is attempting to take things a step
further with Boogie, by using the motion-sensing
abilities of the console to track your movements
so you can dance along, too."

YAY!!! Me want!!

Me want NOW!!!

Sadly, me has to wait to get it because we've just paid for Zhouyi to start Kungfu and Piano lessons, and Davey also got our broom-broom Horsey some silver stripes (will update with photos of them soon).

Oh well, I shall just have to content myself by de-stressing at my weekly class for Jazz dancing.

UPDATED: 27 June 2008 @ 16:30

Here're some snapshots a friend took of our Mustang with its new stripes (DIY jobey by Davey). Not had a chance to take any proper pictures yet...These are just a couple from a set that make up a tutorial Davey's going to post online. Doesn't look too bad, does it?

W. A. S. D.

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Wed, 28 May 2008 20:27:00 +0000

You know you really need to get a life when your fingers automatically reach for those keys as soon as they go anywhere near a keyboard.

Progress on WoW is slow...I'm nowhere near owning an epic mount, and am still two levels shy of entering the Outlands.

This is très poo!

To add insult to injury, David (who actually started playing Warcraft three months later than I did) is now merrily slaughtering mobs in the Hellfire Peninsula and shows no sign of donating any gold from his massive hoard to my main toon - a Night Elf Druid called Ruiyyanko (who stupidly does Enchanting and Tailoring instead of a more sensible profession like Mining).

< sulk > ME < /sulk >

Thankfully, I have 6 other characters on Eonar covering all the other professions. Something David does NOT have...HAH!

ALLIANCE
Anamchara - Draenei Shaman
Qiuteepai - Gnome Warlock
Lyondra - Night Elf Hunter
Feralus - Human Mage

HORDE
Fengyan - Blood Elf Mage
Sertraline - Undead Rogue

At least I've not quite got myself into the same state as the Angry German Kid, although my rig has come close to being chucked out the window once or twice (and the mouse has definitely seen better days).

Oh well, I didn't come on here to whinge. My original intention was to provide some comic relief for fellow-gamers who are partial to a bit of electronic substance abuse.

Of course, a simpler option would be to just turn off the bloody machine and go for a walk or something...Watch a play, take up dancing, visit a museum, have sex (no, for god's sake, NOT on Second Life), get some retail therapy (outside of eBay), or start exercising (Wii Fit not included).

Surely we all have better things to do than trawl through YouTube for meaningless trash like this?

Not that I'm complaining (since we've already established I've got no life)...In keeping with the Angry-German-Kid theme, I thought I'd share a few videos some of us might be able to relate to, depending on your game (the original featured Unreal Tournament):

Counter Strike
Halo

World of Warcraft

Look! There's even a spoof for muppet-lovers!

If you know of better ones out there, feel free to contribute any links.

UPDATED: 15 June 2008 @ 23:56

Here's a video of David and myself in Tanaris when I accompanied him on one of his numerous mining trips. I know it's pretty crappy (my first attempt at Machinima, if you don't mind) and only superfast readers can catch what's at the end (can't be that difficult to pause it), but it does demonstrate how noobishness can exist at ALL levels.

Sex and Bondage - The Reich Formula

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 17:48:00 +0000

"Formula One motor racing chief Max Mosley is today
exposed as a secret sado-masochist sex pervert.

The son of infamous British wartime fascist leader
Oswald Mosley is filmed romping with five hookers at a
depraved Nazi-style orgy in a torture dungeon."
Sado-Masochism is hardly risqué these days. If you choose to over-analyze sexual roleplay, I'd say that having women dress up as schoolgirls is, by far, much more disturbing than an old man acting out his Swastika-themed wet dream...And yet, all we need do is walk into a high street shop like Ann Summers and we'll find that the former (along with Bondage) has become mainstream.

The whole point of a fantasy is that it is separate from reality and never the twain shall meet. I do believe that, sometimes, we can look too deep for something that isn't there. Surely, more cogent examples of anti-semitism exist?

Articles written by some Psychologists, studying sexual behaviour, even speculate that roleplaying of this sort (such as rape) may even be a way of facing one's fear or hatred of a certain situation, and a natural part of the healing process.
"We can say that a perversion leads you
away from the true depths of your emotional pain
—and from the psychological healing that could
happen if you were to work therapeutically with that pain
—by distracting you with something apparently pleasurable."
The media has only managed to whip us into a frenzy because of Mosley's parentage, and because he is who he is (F1 boss and all that - Big deal!). To be fair, his little game also saw him play the part of a Jewish prisoner...With 5 pros, it looks like Mosley got his money's worth anyway. He certainly bent over to please himself, though not quite backwards!!!

Bottom line is, what happens between consenting adults should stay between consenting adults. News of the World should have kept well out of it.

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The one about irony...

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 12:58:00 +0000

"Mr Play-It-Safe was afraid to fly.
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye.
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight And as
the plane crashed down, he thought,
'Well, isn't this nice?'
Isn't it ironic, don't you think?"

No, actually. I don't.

Just another song that I keep hearing at work. Whatshisfizz (I don't often pay attention to the names of presenters) on Radio Wave must really like it. Catchy song...but even he has the presence of mind to admit there's very little about this song that's ironic.

Alanis Morrisette has completely missed the point. Whenever this comes on, it's all I can do to keep myself from choking the proverbial neck of our bloody office radio with its own cord (That's about five times a day). Having it rain on your wedding isn't ironic...It's just shitty luck. Now, if she'd mentioned that the groom happened to be a Meteorologist, I'd let it go...Or, if Mr Play-It-Safe got off the plane only to get hit by a car when he crossed the road.

Speaking of which...

"A shopkeeper has said he is 'relieved' to not face a
murder charge after a man who tried to rob him was
stabbed to death with his own knife."

Now, that's fucking ironic. Tony Singh has done the world a favour with this little bit of poetic justice. We should give him the Tony Martin award for moulding an otherwise unproductive member of society into to a lovely heap of fodder fit for compost.

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The Best Medicine

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 13:12:00 +0000

An audio file called The Dublin Psychiatrist has been doing the rounds on the mobile phone circuit. Sadly, I haven't been able to get hold of it (no blue tooth), but a quick search on the net soon led me to a few transcripts that purport to be variations of the same recording. I even managed to find an MP3 of a similar spoof.

I was able to see the humour in The Dublin Psychiatrist despite still being in the recovery stages of BPD, so I thought I'd share this with everyone.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you suffer from Co-Dependency, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personality Disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer.

If you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, please head directly to the nearest A & E. Nothing we say will make a difference anyway.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you suffer from Low Self-Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to take your call.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, you've just got to laugh because there's nothing else left for you to do.

Normal Service Resumes

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 20:15:00 +0000

A mate of mine, who knows how much I like snow, sent me this image so I could see the first flurries to descend upon the Fylde Coast. I missed the momentous event since I was at work at the time. Although the flakes were rather puny and didn't really settle (much to my disappointment), they did show up rather well against the black coat of said friend's pet dog - Spangle.

Unfortunately, he was having a poo at the time.

As I said to Spangle's kind owner...This picture is such an inspiration to anyone suffering from IBS, like myself.

We seem to have this conversation the same time every year...about sparse snowfall I mean, not crap.

Welcome to 2008 if you've only just recovered from the boozing and celebrating. I hope you had a magnificent 10-second build-up to the anti-climax that is New Year's Day...unless you were watching the fireworks, in which case it should have at least lasted for about 10 minutes. Wow!

No one could be happier than myself to reveal that I have recovered from the festive feasting with as little damage to my innards as possible. Just one attack on New Year's Eve, and I believe I bore up rather well...although our supply of bog roll depleted rather rapidly.

(Note: Copious use of alliteration in the previous paragraph was not intentional.)

That aside, all is truly brilliant with the world, so I can get back to ranting at it.

I don't know about you, but 2008 doesn't feel all that much different from 2007. If my life has changed in any way, I have yet to experience it. However, on the feline front, my kitten does seem to go to the toilet a great deal lately, and she has picked up wallpaper-ripping as a hobby.

I can only conclude that she must have a new motto - Defecate and Destroy - which she is doing a damned fine job of living up to! Oh well, what can I say?

Shit happens.

Gobsmacked!

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 01:07:00 +0000

"Five young boys who were convicted of causing
a pensioner’s death by pelting him with stones
had their convictions for manslaughter overturned yesterday.

Ernest Norton, 67, suffered a heart attack after
he was attacked while playing cricket with his son James, 17,
at Erith Leisure Park, southeast London, last February."

I was shocked when I first read that those boys had got 2 years, but now I'm downright disappointed...

The poor kids! They must have thought they would also get a holiday to Barbados. I was expecting, at the very least, handouts of Nintendo Wii to help rehabilitate them.

What a disgrace!

I vote for stringing up the lot of halfwits involved in letting these boys walk free - parents, do-gooders, lawyers, judges etc.

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We may not get a white Christmas...

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 23:54:00 +0000

...But at least we've got black Magic!

Isn't she just BEAUTIFUL?

We rescued the-kitten-previously-known-as-Baby-Jasmine (a grave error in the naming process as far as we're concerned) from Easterleigh Animal Sanctuary this Monday. We have re-named her Magic, because that's exactly what she is - Magic.

Dunno why, but that name just leapt out at me as soon as I saw her...Maybe it's because she looks so much like a witch's familiar...all sleek, black and shiny!

Magic, her siblings and mother used to live in a pretty abusive household...Thankfully, our kitty was too young at the time to remember things being thrown at her by nasty kids. She is currently 16 weeks old, and though she's only been with us 5 days, I swear I can actually see her grow!

I was actually about to donate some money to Help for Heroes when David asked me what I wanted for Crimbo this year. Since I was struggling to come up with an answer, I thought he could contribute to that charity in my name...But then I remembered that we'd been thinking of getting a cat for ages, so why not rescue one this X'mas and contribute some money to a good cause?

At this very moment, Magic is giving herself a wash on my desk...Already, she's making herself right at home, and has proven to be extremely active and playful. She's very clever, and can move fast...very fast.

Sometimes, it looks like we've got a tiny streak of black lightning zooming round our house...Abracadabra! Now you see her, now you don't! (Oh, this could go on forever!) It won't be long before she starts leaving us little prezzies on our doorstep!

Magic looks most adorable when she gives her wee bottom a little wriggle before pouncing on our feet in bed. She is also extremely affectionate and will greet us when we come home. She even rubs her face against ours and gives us fishy-smelling kisses.

Oooh, look...she's pawing my fingers as they move over the keyboard!

Earlier this evening, I was arrested by the sight of Magic sitting before my monitor, completely enthralled...It didn't take me long to work out she was fascinated by the cursor mouse thingy. Her paws were all over the place, chasing after it! And when I moved the cursor 'off-screen', she actually went round the back of the monitor to investigate!

Aaw, bless her furry little feet!

Magic is not due to be spayed, vaccinated and microchipped for a couple of months, so we're keeping her indoors for the time-being. I have bought her loads of prezzies to make up for this short period of incarceration...

...Toys...

...and various other bits and bobs.

Of course, most things in this house are toys to Magic (a boxful of shredded paper alone can provide hours of endless fun), but I just wanted to spoil her.

Photos our new feline baby (currently snoozing on top of my scanner) have been uploaded, and you can view them here.

We'll probably be videoing Magic this weekend, so watch this space!

UPDATED: 21 December 2007 @ 10:39

Here, as promised, is a video of our little darling kitty's oversteering antics uploaded onto YouTube for the cat-lover's viewing pleasure...Must apologize for the look of our front room as we're still in the midst of re-decorating, and the new sofa won't arrive till next year.

As you can see, Magic's a real minx of a cat, and won't stay still for even a minute.

We still love her though!

Helpful Catty Pud Links:
Pet Protect
Wild4Pets
Online Pet Products
ModernCat
Pets at Home
Mungo and Maud
Pugs and Kisses
Kitty Collars
Pets4Homes

PS - Her farts seriously stink up the room!

Totally Pointless Post

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Sun, 02 Dec 2007 21:30:00 +0000

A few colleages and I had a conversation about pizzas a couple of weeks ago.

No one could see any point in ordering via websites (Domino's in this instance) when you could just as easily use the phone...I know I'm pretty weird as far as human beings go, but surely I'm not the only one who can see the merits of placing my pizza order online?

It has to be said, I received quite a few odd looks explaining myself. Matters were not improved by yet another repeat of Leona Lewis' single playing in the background (lovely voice, but hearing that song over and over again is doing my head in...sadly, the office radio can only tune into one station - shitty Radio Wave - and I happen to sit right next to to that stupid device...If it goes missing one day, you will all know why).

Perhaps my views will come across better over the net, seeing as it's the very vehicle I am recommending as a super food-ordering mechanism. (Plus, I never play commercial radio at home.)

These then, are my 10 reasons we should all order online and henceforth have no excuse to venture out of the house...EVER!

1) You don't need to speak to anyone.

2) You don't need to speak to anyone.

3) You don't need to speak to anyone.

4) You don't need to speak to anyone.

5) You don't need to speak to anyone...Ok, I'll concede further elaboration is required. When I refer to 'anyone', I actually mean - a) people with strange accents you can't understand, b) surly teenagers who would rather be nicking your money than earning it, and c) morons who can barely barely spell 'pepperoni', let alone identify it.

6) You save time by not having to repeat yourself, or risk getting your pizza delivered to the wrong address.

7) If you have your rig on most of the time, it doesn't cost you extra £££.

8) If, like me, you never have enough cash lying around, you can pay by card without having to read out your details.

9) Since you can save your favourites, one-click gets you all you want...so again, you save time.

10) Oh, and I nearly forgot...You don't need to speak to anyone.

So there you go, a little slice of pizza wisdom to get you through your next order...and whilst you're at it, I like mine with double pineapple, chorizo and olives. Thanks.

Bloody Facebook Whores

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 18:26:00 +0000

I abandoned MySpace in favour of Facebook because I refused to put up with anymore spam, hacks and relentless profile-pimping. Thus far, the odd half-baked app has been the only reason my rig's acquired a few fist-shaped dents. Still, no social networking district is completely free of that seedy red light.

About 90% of the members I am connected to on FB are individuals I also know in the physical world...They may no longer live in the same region I do but they are, nonetheless, people I consider friends...That last word in my previous sentence carrying the operative function when referring to the feature in question - the Friends List.

I no longer have to dread the thought of deleting 50 or so friend requests upon logging in...But every now and then, someone who hasn't exchanged so much as a single blurry pixel with me (RGB or otherwise) will convince him or herself that I'm the sort who will cheerfully embrace the notion of calling perfect strangers my friends in the quest to win popularity contests.

I can't help but wonder if I might have overlooked some key detail in my profile that gives people that impression.

And yet, I distinctly remember stating quite clearly in the politest of terms that random people who cannot even be bothered sending me a message can jolly well eff off.

Please don't misunderstand me...I am all for widening my social circle, but I believe in being discriminate. If anyone wants me to get all chummy with them, I think he or she should at least give me a good reason...A short introduction of who they are and how they found me would be a start...

And for the last time...Poking DOESN'T count!

PS - This has got nothing to do with the above, but it seems a good time as any to mention this...I started playing WoW last month, and have only managed to level up to 20 which, I'm sure you'll agree, is piss poor.

If any Alliance noob also on the Eonar (EU) server wants to group, I'll be most happy to oblige...My stats are below.

Just a quickie...

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 02:33:00 +0000

Ooh, an orgasm for every lie that rolls off my tongue...Let's just say I'd never need man nor dildo ever again. It would, however, create a bit of a paradox if I ever wanted to fake a climax.

Anyone who knows what I'm like would know that the heading to this post is utter bollocks. My logging into this site is pretty much a guarantee that nothing short and sweet will come of it. No thanks to me and those of my ilk, you can always find an endless supply of industrial-strength rants brewing away in some corner of the cyber continent that is known as Blogosphere...extra froth not entirely optional.

"Brighton cannot currently cope with volume of trauma cases
and regularly diverts patients to other hospitals.
It cannot cope with the 3,000 or so births due to take place there.
It makes no sense to add another 2,500 births from the PRH."

Although I currently live at the other end of the country, my daughter was born at the Princess Royal, so news of plans to downgrade the hospital (yet again) came as a bit of a shock. From what I can recall of my short stay at the PRH 7 years ago, it was clean and well-run. Unless matters have regressed to a state similar to what's happening down in Kent, I can envisage no earthly reason for dragging another hospital (particularly one that's perfectly serviceable) through the muck that has become our NHS.

It is with vivid clarity that I remember how each minute road bump magnified every contraction I had on the way to the hospital...and the drive from Burgess Hill to Haywards Heath is not a long one (even via twisty country lanes). Those familiar with Mid-Sussex will be able to tell you that it covers a wide area, so I can fully commiserate with all expectant mothers of that region who may now be looking foward to an even longer journey with considerably more dread than is otherwise necessary.

A friend has very kindly sent me a link to an online petition and I have found another one through my Googling efforts. In true kiasu tradition, I signed them both (links below), and also sent a letter out for good measure (courtesy of said friend who set up a website for this very purpose). The idea is to bombard the PCT with so much mail they can't fail to ignore the message we're trying to get across. We're talking about people's lives here, and that's not something anyone can play with.

Of course, this ties in very nicely with everything else that's gone wrong in the world, which merely brings to mind yet another point...Al Gore is a fucking twat.
"Global warming theory has been in political and
scientific trouble for some time, but who knew
it had sunk so low it needed a boost from
the Nobel Peace Prize committee?"

Ok, this has got nothing to do with the Princess Royal Hospital or the NHS, but Al Gore is still a first-rate dick (not unlike the pen-pushers who pretend to run our nation).

The powers-that-be have been known to lie from time to time. We know it; they know it...But to con millions with The Inconvenient Truth just takes the piss...Inconvenient, my arse! Changes in the climate (political or otherwise) couldn't have happened to Al Gore at a more opportune time!

"Onto this heap of forgotten causes and marginalia the Nobel
has just tossed Al Gore and the Intergovernmental Panel
on Climate Change, the UN's official climate science group.
What a blow the award must be to the IPCC, self-proclaimed
home of scientific rigour, to now be lumped in with
Reverend Al and his Travelling Snake Oil Road Show
and Climate Terror Machine."

Anyone who knows that the heading to this post is bullshit will also know that I'm In no danger of turning vegan, so I'll forgive those who assume I care very little about the environment. But whatever tiny bit of consideration I have reserved for nature is at least genuine, which is more than I can say about most so-called eco-warriors.

I do believe that man has a lot to answer for when it comes to damage that's been done to our planet, and that we've been largely responsible for pollution. But not for a second am I convinced that any of this is apocalyptic.

Changes to our planet are meant to happen. That is normal, and part of the natural selection process. Over a period of time, creatures become extinct, new species get discovered, climate blows hot and cold, continents move...This is called evolution (in the literal sense). Such knowledge is not new, so why should we let it send us into a panic just because that same information has now been packaged differently? Besides, since it was nature that created humankind in all its glory, who's to say what's man-made isn't natural by default?

I think I would be less affronted by this whole issue if so many people weren't sucked into this great money-making scheme. Does no one think for him or herself anymore?

I'm supposed to be the one with the mental problems; but so far, it seems like I'm one of the rare few who hasn't turned into a paranoid freak with prophetic delusions, handing out end-of-the-world flyers printed on recycled cardboard using the juice of dead plants (preferably organic and fairtrade...like you really needed to ask). As far as I know, the world has been 'ending' since day one. But up till now, no one has been able to provide us with any proof that can be described as conclusive.

WHY??? WHY???

Why is everyone so gullible?

And why am I wasting a perfectly good rant on something that has already been blogged before, especially at two in the morning when I've come down with the dreaded lurgi and feeling most irate?

Go! ...Go fritter your hard-earned money away on useless 'green' car insurance (whatever that is), and that bloody stupid hypocritical hybrid of a Toyota Prius. I don't really give a shit anyway. I'm going to devote the rest of this post to more self-centred concerns, such as the appearance of our beloved fuel-guzzling (and unashamedly so) Mustang on the cover of a car magazine.

And so, on a less crotchety note...

More photos of Horsey (taken by David) can be found within the pages of Round Up (apparently an award-winning mag), accompanied by a 4-page feature (also written by David). I was given the supreme honour of editing the article, so readers have got the final copy sans David's usual spelling mistakes and typos.

This reminds me...I've got a brilliant idea for another major Mustang event. Maybe MOCGB could organise a rally for charity. Let's all rev our engines just that little bit harder to raise funds for a worthy cause - the prevention of ...TA DA... global warming!

No, Horsey...We're not sarky at all, are we?

You will now notice this badge in the panel on the right...Because I am now churning out artwork by the dozen (or more), I have found that revising my personal website to reflect anything new can be quite time-consuming, and the last thing I want to do at the end of a working day. As I plan to have a complete re-vamp some time in the future, little pissy updates of this sort are pretty pointless.

Ergo, all recent designs have been uploaded to deviantART as a temporary quick fix, and you can view them by clicking the above-mentioned button. Most of the graphics are lo-res versions...However, folders designed for local authorities may just be snapshots of the hard copy. This is due to several reasons: A) The original files are massive, and I am too bloody lazy to re-size them down to something more manageable...particularly when separate elements were created in different programs. B) Whilst the folders may have been designed by yours truly, not all the ads in them were done by me and I just don't want to confuse matters.

Right...I'm off to bed, so you can all piss off for now. I might be in a more agreeable mood the next time I'm online, but don't hold your breath.

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Save the Princess Royal Hospital:
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UPDATED: 25 October 2007 @ 21:20

I forgot to mention that I have also uploaded recent pics of Zhouyi at my site. Most were taken during her last school holiday. Clicking on some images at my photo gallery may direct you to external albums where more pics are hosted...There were just too many photos for me to faff about with, so I took the easy way out.

Oranges and Lemons

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 02:19:00 +0000

...Say the bells of St Clement's.

Although Mac-users are more likely to prefer Apples instead.

"The only way to have fun with a Mac is to
poke its insufferable owner in the eye."

Don't get me wrong...I'm no Mac-fanatic by any stretch of the imagination. Quite the contrary, if you must know...However, I have had experience operating both Macs and PCs. In fact, my first computer was a Mac, that being the era when almost everyone I knew had one.

I gave it a fair chance, but was so singularly UN-impressed by it that I was pretty much put off by the whole business of computing, and moved on to more riveting pursuits (such as Zero-Point and Five Stones, neither of which held my interest for very long either)...I couldn't even tell you which model that first Mac was, since my memory appears to have been sufficiently repulsed into blocking off the entire affair.

Then along came Mr Gates, and my silicon romance was rekindled (courtesy of a going-to-college present from daddy).

No doubt my humble opinion will set off quite a few cyber terrorists, but if Jeremy Clarkson can receive a pie in the face with equanimity, I'm pretty sure I'll survive whatever they have in store. Perhaps the knowledge that I'm not terribly interested in a Mac-bashing rant might pacify them...Descending into a 'Mac vs PC' slanging match is just too much of a cliché.

Can't understand where all this aggro comes from...Charlie's contribution to CIF is amusing enough, but judging from a number of the comments left, it's all being taken far too seriously...Some people just don't get irony.

What next? QuarkXpress against InDesign? Oops...too late...Missed that one while I was busy typing away.

The pedantic amongst us would point out that Macs are technically PCs, since the acronym merely stands for 'Personal Computer'. I won't argue with that description in terms of hardware, particularly these days. Some might even suggest that Apple sold out to Intel, but I'm more inclined to view it as healthy evolution within the industry. Besides, it was really Apple that set the standard to begin with...PCs just ran with it a little further.

At some point of time in history, it was perhaps true that Macs were better than PCs when it came to performing certain tasks, such as the handling of graphics. I've found that to be a bit of a myth these days, since PCs have essentially caught up with the times (and quite quickly too!). How else could Macs have gained a true rival otherwise?

Mitchell and Webb wouldn't find themselves on Apple's payroll if PCs weren't perceived to be a real threat which, in the wake of advertising lawsuits that saw the G5 emerging with a few smudges on its CV, is very serious indeed. This isn't even recent news...Aside from PCs having now invaded most homes, quite a few digital art production companies I've worked for now use them instead of the once industry-standard Macs. This shift might possibly see more adaptations in related mediums, such as printing etc.

As a freelancer, most of my best work was hammered out on a PC, and I encountered no problems whatsoever...not so much as a minor hiccup. I honestly cannot remember the last time that machine blue-screened (and we're talking about a decrepit 5-year-old piece of junk that won't even qualify at entry-level today).

I cannot say the same for the 1.2 GHz G4 I use where I am now employed...But I shan't bore you with tales of the number of times I've had to re-boot the bloody thing.

Benchmarks have shown that Macs and PCs have basically reached an impasse when it comes to computing superiority...But this isn't going to mean anything to average users. Trying to comprehend anything technical makes me cross-eyed, so I can understand where they're coming from. A first-time buyer isn't going to be interested in an analytical breakdown of RAM calculations, bottlenecks and whatnot...He's never even heard of Sandra, and will probably think she's some online manifestation of hentai.

It's the end-result that counts, and PCs have NEVER failed me in whatever I set out to do. All these apocalyptic crashes I keep hearing of have never happened to me (or to David, also a digital artist and avid gamer). Neither has my work suffered adversely...Power and speed vary, depending very much on make and model. Pit the best of Macs and PCs head-to-head and you'll find little difference in the technology.

At the end of the day, a computer's reliability is down to how it is treated by its owner, regardless of specs. The empty-glass theory is an apt analogy in this scenario. Fill your computer with crap and it will start behaving like shit.

I'll raise one point in favour of Macs, however...They aren't virus-prone. Full-stop.

Let's face it, when most people compare the two machines, it's really their operating systems that set them apart from one another. Windows uses more shared resources, which makes it more vulnerable to attacks. By its very nature, Mac OS is far more robust, and I've always thought it a shame that it's not become more mainstream (although the interface isn't the most straightforward, which may confuse novices). But perhaps that's why it's never been a target.

Still, as one helpful CIF reader has observed, it really will be a shock to the system when the first Mac virus is created. Then again, if their PC counterparts learnt to cope, I'm sure the geeks at Macdom would be resourceful enough to find a way round it. More tech support would be a start...

My main gripe with Macs is their complete lack of individuality...Macs certainly look pretty enough, and the trademark functional design is something Microsoft has picked up on as well. If you've had the dubious privilege of putting Vista through its paces, you'll notice its similarity to the sleek and elegant Panther. But that's it...You see one Mac, and you've seen them all...If you could slap a uniform on a machine, it would look like something just come out the end of Apple's conveyor belt.

The whole Mac set-up lacks the one factor that completes the PC enthusiast's wank fest - customability. You can't stick your hand in a Mac and wriggle its innards about because it means Apple has to relinquish control to the user...In other words, it's not terribly mod-friendly. You will not be able to take its components apart to build this or this...Not easily anyway.

"Macs are glorified Fisher-Price activity centres for adults;
computers for scaredy cats too nervous to learn how proper computers work;
computers for people who earnestly believe in feng shui.

PCs are the ramshackle computers of the people.
You can build your own from scratch, then customise it into oblivion.
Sometimes you have to slap it to make it work properly,
just like the Tardis."

I can't justify my love for PCs anymore than I can explain why Nutella is my idea of sex on a spoon...It just is. My first encounter with the G5 was when I was (briefly) a student at UEL, and it set my pulse racing...in a good way. Despite that, I couldn't wait to get home to a heap of shit that could barely run Windows ME. There's something about a PC that gives it character...

...And that's the reason Dr Who would have a PC instead of a Mac.

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A New Sport

noreply@blogger.com (Charme) — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 01:20:00 +0000

"I must stress it does not reflect the ethos of Glenalmond
or that of the present community of boys and girls studying here."
He would say that, wouldn't he? It's the standard dross institutions like that would roll out as their official stance, safe in the knowledge that breeds of that stripe (particularly those running down the side of tracksuits) would never be a part of their establishment.

Personally, I've found this has nothing to do with class in the strictest sense...Otherwise, we'd have to count individuals from other sub-cultures - such as Goths - as being in a separate caste of their own, regardless of socio-economic backgrounds. Being poor or common is harmless enough; it doesn't necessarily make one part of the criminally unwashed.

Chavs have no one to blame but their own malicious behaviour and attitudes...They don't even strike me as paricularly human. I've never seen the inside of a private school, but this is one sport I will whole-heartedly support.

The way I see it: One Less Chav = One More Fox...Vivat la Eco-System!

We really are saving the world.

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