The Life of Susan

there is hope

2012-05-02T12:02:00.000-04:00

this week i've been battling the all-too-familiar balancing act of emotions. maybe you know what i'm talking about... the one where you're experiencing such drasticly different feelings at times and struggling with knowing what to feel, how to feel and when exactly to feel it.

you see, life has been good lately. better than good actually. i'm at such peace with where i am physically... i mean i lost 33% of my body weight. sure, i wish i had a flat stomach but i really can't complain when i look at how far i've come. and then i have this incredible man in my life who manages to make me feel special every single day. the joy runs deep there.

i could go on and on about the beautiful moments in the last week alone, but in the midst of all that there has also been the slam of the harsh reality of life... and the fragility of it. on Saturday a student in a class i facilitate and teach through my church passed away unexpectedly. it was shocking to say the least. days before that 2 of our other students each lost a parent (one a mother and one a father). the weight of loss has been heavy. over the weekend i found myself in 'push forward' mode. by monday i was emotionally exhausted. being alone for the first time in days, for an extended period of time, allowed me to finally connect with the emotions that i had tried to bury and the tears came... and came... and came. i needed that release. i needed to feel it. to express it.

i realized what i had been battling all weekend was confusion over what i should be feeling. on one hand there was sadness for those suffering and for lives lost... and on the other there was joy as i spent most of the weekend with jeff (celebrating his birthday in fact). when i felt sad i felt guilty for not feeling happy. and when i felt happy i felt guilty for not feeling sad. i don't know why i put such pressure on myself to identify with one emotion or the other...

i was sharing all of that with my mom last night and she encouraged me that it was ok to feel both ways and that God often brings us beautiful, joy-filled moments in the midst of dark times to remind us that there is hope! so i'm doing my best to embrace whatever emotion comes my way and once again to be present wherever i am. i would appreciate your prayers for me and the other leaders as our class meets tomorrow night and we work to create a space where the students can process what has happened... and please pray for his family and girlfriend (also a student in the class) as this is obviously a very difficult time.

grace and peace,

this present season

2012-04-26T09:46:00.000-04:00

i have a tendency to get ahead of myself sometimes... whether it's looking to the next big thing or wishing i was further along in my plans in life. so this has definitely been a season for me of learning to be present. to just enjoy where i am and who i'm there with. to slow down and enjoy the moments that so easily slip by. i suppose that's contributed to some of the blog silence lately, but i feel like there's so much to share with all of you!

so let's dive right in shall we?

the boyfriend
it'd be cruel to not make this first since i know some of you are dying to know the details about this one! a month ago i got setup on a blind date with jeff... we have lots of mutual friends and connections but ultimately it was my mom who got the ball rolling to get him my number. we had a great time and by the end of our first date he asked if we could hang out again... our 2nd date he cooked me dinner at my house and to sound as cliche as possible- the rest is history. he's smart and kind and funny and so very sweet and i am so thankful that God has put him in my life. the last month with him has been very healing for me in a lot of ways and i am just so happy! we made our relationship 'official' last weekend, announced it on facebook and can't do anything but laugh at everyone's excitement for us. it's been fun. and just another thing that God is teaching me to stay present in. the whole dating and getting-to-know-you process is special and i want to enjoy every moment!
*i feel like i should thank my 5yo niece kyra. remember this post? yeah that was almost exactly 1 month before i met jeff. her prayers worked!

weight loss
i officially hit my 70lb goal on april 2nd and have even lost a few more pounds since then. i stopped tracking on weight watchers about 2 months ago because i just got burnt out. i needed a break. i had done it for so long and i didn't want to hate it. the fact that i'm still losing makes me feel like i really get it now and i know what my body needs in order to lose and/or maintain. it's been very empowering! i'm wearing size 6's and smalls and i still do a double take when i see my reflection or pictures that people have taken of me. i've come a long way and i'm proud of all the hard work i put in to get myself to this place.

the house
back in january i posted some home goals for this year and i am happy to report that i can cross some items off the list! a month ago i had my deck put on the back of the house and i love it! it has been so lovely to have an outdoor space and i can't wait for the weather to continue warming up so i can enjoy it even more. i've added some cute outdoor furniture and lights and it's so cozy! yesterday they installed my front storm door which adds so much light to the front of the house. while they were doing all the work i also had them install the dimmer in the dining room which makes such a difference! i also got around to dusting the ceiling fan in the kitchen... still have to do the one in my bedroom but now that i got that pillowcase dusting trick down it should be no problem! now that all the construction mess is over maybe i can get around to making my collage wall?

family
many of you read my sister's blog so you might have heard about what my poppop is going through as he was just recently diagnosed with bone cancer. my sister's post expresses so well how we all feel about this so i will just say that prayers are appreciated in this season. he should be going home on hospice care this weekend and we're all hoping to enjoy whatever time we have with him. i love this photo that my sister took last september at the hospital when my nephew was born. it means so much to me now!

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thanks for reading my long update! no promises on getting better about updating this... too busy being present... but we'll see.

have a wonderful day!

grace and peace,

spring is in the air

2012-03-30T15:28:00.000-04:00

i love spring. i love the new life literally bursting out of the ground each and every day. the way my city comes alive with people excited to be wearing short-sleeves. everyone seems friendlier and happier and it's just lovely.

it's crazy to me that it's almost easter and that lent is drawing to a close. i randomly gave up twitter and inadvertently ended up significantly reducing my online time which has been so refreshing. my google reader is getting really close to 1000 unread items and for the first time i don't have anxiety about that. my house is covered in a layer of dust due to construction happening here this week (a deck and a sliding door- yippee! more on that next week i hope!). again, normally the anxiety would be high. my house which is usually in almost-perfect order is a disaster. i figure i'll worry about it all when they're finished which should be today. anybody want to come help me clean tomorrow? pretty please? :)

my house could use a good spring cleaning anyway. i'm strangely looking forward to it. haha!

i guess i'm just learning to let things go. everything can't be perfect all the time. they'll be crazy weeks filled with dust but also filled with surprising fun moments (like first dates!). just trying to embrace it all i suppose.

hope that you're all enjoying the beginning of spring and basking in the love of our Creator!

grace and peace,

pass it on

2012-03-07T12:51:00.001-05:00

i thought about writing this whole melodramatic post about today being the 1-year anniversary of having my heart broken but i decided against it. i don't wanna wallow in self-pity today. especially when there is such a bigger world out there with hearts being broken every day in the most unjust of ways. i'm not minimizing my pain. it's very real for me and the feelings i have today are valid and i'd be justified in writing about it. i'm just choosing not to.

so today i want to bring your attention to a major injustice happening in the world today. specifically in central africa. if you've been around here long enough you know that africa holds a special place in my heart because of the time i have spent there with some really incredible people.

sadly, many people still don't know about a man named joseph kony who has been committing crimes against humanity (including over 30,000 children) there over the last 20 years. his use of force to turn children into soldiers and girls into sex slaves is outright awful... disgusting... cruel... there aren't words strong enough to describe it. HE MUST BE STOPPED.

an organization here in the states called invisible children is fighting to raise awareness of this issue so that he can be caught and stopped once and for all. please take 30 minutes of your time to watch this video. and then pass it on. tweet about it. blog about it. email your friends. we have the power to use social media like never before to get the message out to the world so this can END.

KONY 2012 from INVISIBLE CHILDREN on Vimeo.

grace and peace,

ps- a huge huge shout-out to my little brother who works for invisible children and who did a lot of the graphic design work for this campaign. i am so incredibly proud to see him using his gifts for the greater good of humanity. absolutely incredible!

conversations with a 5yo

2012-02-28T11:43:00.000-05:00

on saturday night i babysat my 2 oldest nieces kyra and kylie for a few hours. i took them to a local gymnastics showcase where a friend's daughter was performing. on the car ride there i had a very interesting conversation with kyra who is 5 years old, just lost her first tooth and is wise beyond her years. the conversation was too precious not to share...

kyra: "aunt susie, you need a boy."

me: "oh, really?"

kyra: "well i mean a grown up boy."

me: "what do i need a grown up boy for?"

kyra: "for you to marry!"

me: trying not to laugh too much... "oh i see."

kyra: "he's gonna be perfect!"

me: "wow! so are you praying for me to find this perfect grown up boy?"

kyra: pause... "well... sometimes i forget."

me: definitely chuckling at this point... "try to remember, ok?"

kyra: "ok, i will."

oh, out of the mouth of babes. i think it's sweet that she wants to see me get married. heck, i wanna see it, too but all in due time i suppose. and i have heard that girl pray. let me tell you, she knows how to pour her little heart out to God and it's the most precious thing. i'll take all the prayers i can get kyra. especially yours. :)

grace and peace,

a new day

2012-02-22T12:49:00.000-05:00

thank you all for your kind words on my last post. i appreciate all the prayers and support that you so freely give, especially on the hard days.

i think the one thing i've really learned over this last year is that it's ok to embrace the hard days. too often we're quick to push it away for fear of what people will think or that we'll lose ourselves in it. i know i was. and yeah, sometimes you can't really embrace them as fully because you have responsibilities, families to take care of, people depending on you. i get that, too.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that it's ok to be honest with yourself about where you're at... what you're struggling with... what you're wrestling through. we're all fractured human beings in need of saving and it's alright to acknowledge that every once in a while.

there's definitely a trend in blogging these days of "keeping it real" and i appreciate that. it's so easy to play the compare game and wonder why everyone else in the world has it together except for you. these spaces of ours on the world wide web can be so deceiving sometimes, and often unintentionally. we can't possibly share every part of our lives on here and what we choose to write only gives a glimpse into the bigger picture of what's really happening.

i'm not sure where i'm headed with all this. but for me, that's often a good thing.

letting go and just allowing things to happen naturally and freely is something i'm not always comfortable with, but it's where God has me- learning that things don't always happen as planned and sometimes surprises can be wonderful. being free to make mistakes and learn from them. not allowing them to define me or set me back. picking myself up, dusting myself off and trying a different way. it's what makes mornings so exceptional (well that and the coffee). the chance to start fresh. a new day with fresh possibilities.

perhaps there is a stirring of hope within me today? is that what this is? possibly. it's that or the diet coke making its way through my body. either way, i'll take it.

grace and peace,

warning: soul baring ahead

2012-02-13T10:16:00.000-05:00

oh, hi.

yeah i haven't forgotten about this little blog 'o mine. kind of hard when you've been blogging for almost 12 years (5 on blogger and 7 on another platform). ok now that makes me feel old.

so i've been in a bit of a slump the last couple weeks. ironic given that my last post was all about how happy i felt and loved and all that jazz. and then it was like someone said, "oh you're finally feeling joy? let's see how you do when i throw a bunch of crap at you. where's your joy now?" *insert evil laugh*

at least that's how i picture it going in my mind.

and instead of being all, "yeah i got this. bring it on. nothing can steal my joy," i find myself breaking down. crying constantly. questioning everything and everyone around me. allowing those feelings of rejection to settle in my heart again. questioning God and His plan for me. afraid to open my heart to people. pushing people away with my brashness because i'm a control freak and take responsibility for everything. why do i care so much about everything? about details? about things no one else worries about?

the only positive thing is that this self-imposed isolation has given me lots of time to reflect on myself. i'm surprisingly self-aware. or at least that's what those closest to me say. but now that i'm aware of some of my "stuff" i guess i need to do something about it. sounds fun, doesn't it?

life is hard. relationships are hard. loving people is hard. and i suck at it most days.

i have this twisted theory in my head that people should love me because of all the millions of things that i DO. i mean come on. don't you see me always picking up the pieces for everything? organizing and planning so everything runs smooth? isn't that enough for you to love me?

but no, it isn't. people don't want you to do stuff for them. they just want you.

and yeah that's a scary thought for someone like me.

for someone who is addicted to receiving praise and affirmation for countless hours of work. for someone who believes her true worth is found in doing rather than being. for someone who so desperately wants to believe that she can be loved just for who she is, but doubts it every time it is said.

never mind the fact that i'm baring my soul to the internet. this feels like pure madness but i've been pretty raw and real on here over the last year so why stop now?

so i'm far from perfect. i know that. trust me, do i know that. but letting you all in on that dirty little secret (that's really no secret at all) is the hardest thing of all.

i guess there's a kind of relief and freedom that comes in knowing that i'm probably not alone in this. that there are many more of those closet performers who struggle just like me. and i try my hardest to take joy in knowing that God is refining me, moment by moment, even through the pain and the tears and what feels like constant testing. and that somehow, someway, this will produce a deeper faith in me. a deeper trust. every day i remind myself that i will not lose hope. it's what i cling to on days (or weeks) like this.

thanks for letting me share my heart with you today.
grace and peace,

i figure since i'm keeping it pretty real with this post today that i'd link up with my friend jess for her monday real linkup. hop on over if you want to find more people baring their soul to the internet. or just their dirty laundry. no literally- some of them really are showing you piles of dirty clothes. :)

roses are... yellow?

2012-01-26T10:16:00.002-05:00

if you follow me on instagram (if you don't- you should! my username is thelifeofsusan) or if we're facebook friends you might have seen this picture i posted a couple days ago.

so why did i take a picture of myself in all my hat-hair glory in the bathroom mirror holding a yellow rose? because i was just so darn happy and had to share it.

you see, there's a flower shop here in town that puts a name on their sidewalk sign every day. it usually says, "if your name is ______ then stop in for a free rose!" i've seen friends names pop up and called to let them know. i look at that sign almost every day, usually when i'm leaving the office or running errands. so imagine my surprise when my good friend jen called me on tuesday afternoon and said the magic words, "you get a rose today!" i knew exactly what she meant. my name was on the sign! we laughed and i thanked her for telling me. it was a short, but fun exchange between the two of us.

i finished up my day in the office and i contemplated whether i should stop in. yes, i was really excited when my friend had called me but i knew then that the likelihood of me actually going in to claim that rose was pretty slim. i thought of all the reasons i shouldn't. i know what you're thinking. it's just a stupid rose. what's the big deal? but when insecurity tries to creep its way in and claw at you it's hard to stop those thoughts. i finally had to tell myself to get over it and just do it. i walked into the flower shop and made eye contact with the woman behind the counter. she greeted me and i responded with "my name is susan!" she got a huge smile on her face and excitedly told me i was the first susan to stop in today. she led me over to the roses and told me to pick any color i wanted. i went with yellow. i've always been drawn to yellow roses. she wrapped it up in tissue paper for me and thanked me for stopping in. i told her, practically through tears, that she had made my day. it was a short and sweet interchange but after spending all day alone in my office i realized how much i needed a human connection like that- even if it was just for a minute.

i think i was literally beaming on the 8-block drive home. i snapped a photo and shared it online and all night long the most beautiful comments came pouring in. words of encouragement and life brought joy to my heart as friends, near and far, said the kindest things. and for once in my life i actually believe all the things they are saying about me. i am receiving them. i'm not dismissing them as hot air. i am loved. i believe that. wow. such a humbling and overwhelming feeling.

i always wondered why i was drawn to yellow roses. i know that rose colors have meanings so i looked up yellow and this is what i found:

Joy, Gladness, Friendship, Delight, Promise of a new beginning

and once again my heart says YES. i feel all those things today. and it kind of goes right along with my word for this year- renew. i woke up this morning with this scripture on my heart:

"My beloved spoke and said to me, Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.” Song of Solomon 2:10-13

grace and peace,

no more excuses

2012-01-24T13:24:00.000-05:00

if you've watched the biggest loser at all this season you'd know that their theme is "no more excuses." such a simple yet profound concept. i literally get asked the same question almost every day about my weight loss. how did you do it?

the simple answer i usually give is: weight watchers. sure, that's the program i used to track my food, to change my portion sizes, to get my eating under control, etc. but the more direct answer that i sometimes want to give is this: i stopped making excuses and did something about it. because that is the God-honest truth.

those people who ask me how i did it? 9 times out of 10 they respond back with an excuse as to why they can't do it. and i know this might sound harsh but when i hear the excuses sometimes i want to scream. or roll my eyes. or shake them.

are you still reading? yeah, i just admitted that.

i get frustrated because i can relate. THAT WAS ME. i lived in the land of excuses for years and years and was unhappy with my body as a result. i had trapped myself. it wasn't anyone elses fault. no one force fed me hershey's chocolate... although sometimes i wish someone would. haha. no one turned my car into that fast food drive through lane. no one tied me to the couch to watch hours of tv instead of getting up and exercising. I DID THAT. i made those choices and i had to live with the consequences of my decision. and my choices affected others, too. i struggled to have intimacy in relationships because i was insecure about who i was. i was ashamed of what i had done to myself.

so i had a choice to make. i had to accept that enough was enough. i had to do away with the excuses and own up to my decisions that led me to the place that i was. no one else could make that decision for me. i had to face it and OWN IT. and that my friends is what makes all the difference. when you can admit to yourself the honest truth about where you are and how you got there THAT will be your turning point. you have the power to make better choices each and every day that when strung together over months and years will result in a happier, healthier YOU.

let's let this be the year of no more excuses. the year that we decide to look at ourselves honestly. to put down the veil of denial that we've wrapped ourselves in and step out of the shadows. and that doesn't just relate to weight loss. that can translate into so many areas of our lives where we've held ourselves back from being who we know we are really called to be. as women, sisters, daughters, mothers, friends and if there's any guys reading- all that guy stuff, too.

don't let the excuses hold you back any more. life's too short to live in the shadows.

grace and peace,

home goals for 2012

2012-01-11T12:18:00.001-05:00

the nester is hosting a link-up party today where you can post about your home goals for 2012. i'm learning to not be so afraid of setting goals. for me setting goals has always been so ominous because if i didn't achieve them i felt like a failure... awful thinking that i'm trying to overcome and getting much better at. this is another way for me to just kick that fear in the butt!

there are several things that i'd like to do around my house this year and what better way to get myself into gear than by laying it out all on the internet?

so here's some of the things that i would like to do:

1. put up a collage wall in my dining room.
i used to have a large flower print on that wall but i was never really satisfied with it. i recently sold it and bought some frames from ikea. i plan on using some other frames i have to mix in. all the frames will be black. my brother got me an awesome print for christmas in a black frame (without even knowing that i was thinking of doing this) so i took that as a sign that i should go for it! now i just need to figure out what i want to fill the rest of the frames with, arrange it and hang it!

the print my brother gave me for christmas... LOVE!

2. build a deck.
ok, i won't be the one doing the building, but regardless i want a deck. i thought this was going to happen last summer but i was too much of an emotional disaster to really get going on it so it didn't happen. my townhouse is built into a hill so the deck will actually be a 2nd story deck off my first floor. right now there's a double window in the dining room that will need to be converted into a sliding glass door. so that makes this project even more complicated. add in the fact that i live in a townhouse community, factor in HOA approvals, city permits that are a pain... yeah it won't be easy. i am determined to push through though and get started early spring so i can enjoy it all summer! i am just dying for an outdoor space!

3. add a dimmer to the light in the dining room.
this one is pretty do-able. in fact, i might even attempt this on my own... ok, ok, maybe not. i'll enlist my mom's help. she's super good at anything handy. but seriously, i love the light fixture in my dining room but it is SO BRIGHT. a dimmer would give me control over that so it needs to happen!

4. change the flooring in the bathroom upstairs.
oh my word i DETEST the laminate flooring in the bathroom upstairs. it's an awful white color that makes my dark hair shedding problem so obvious. i know there are lots of great new products out there that are easy to install on your own so i need to investigate. i'd even be happier with a darker laminate tile that didn't show so much dirt. once again, i am sure i will enlist my mother's help because i have no idea how you move a toilet, but she totally does and it's time for me to learn!

because someone prob wants to know- the shower curtain is from kohls

5. dust my ceiling fans.
haha! yikes. this should probably be on a regular cleaning rotation but it's not. i caught a glimpse of them the other day after not being used in several months. holy dustballs! for a girl who is allergic to dust it's terrible. anyone have a creative solution for doing that without kick starting a major allergy attack? and no, i am not posting a picture of their current state. would be terribly embarrassing. ;)

6. hem the curtains in my bedroom.
a simple task, but one that just never seems to get done. i hung them to see how they looked and left them there. unhemmed. wrinkles and all. i am the only one who sees them anyway, but still. just needs to get done.

7. do something about the builder-grade mirrors in the bathrooms.
my little townhouse has 1-1/2 baths and both have those awful big plain mirrors held up by clips. i need to either frame them out or remove them and buy framed mirrors.

8. custom wall in the powder room.
while we're on the subject of bathrooms i have this desire to do something fun on a wall in the powder room. i actually already have something fun on one wall... an awesome tree branch mural that my sister painted. but i'm kind of thinking of doing a pallet wall behind the toilet... not completely sure about that one or if i'm even up for the challenge. regardless, something needs to be done to that wall cause the small little canvas i have hanging up there isn't doing anything for the space.

9. paint the inside of my front door.
this has been all over blog-land for a while. i love how it looks, but i'm not 100% sold on the color yet. i was thinking black but my house is small and i don't want it to make the space feel closed in. so jury is still out on this one. might have to work some photoshop magic to see what it will look like.

10. add a storm door to the front door.
again, this is something i tried to do last summer. home depot actually dropped the ball on this one though. they were TERRIBLE. seriously terrible. so i need to either go to lowes or just hire a contractor friend to do it. in the spring/summer months i crave light and the front of my house gets afternoon/evening sun which would be so lovely to have streaming in.

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so here's a couple shots of the living room as it stands today...

the kitchen... and yes my chalkboard still says "merry christmas." suppose i should change that, huh? haha. just keeping it real people. oh and pay no attention to the dead aloe plant. yes, i killed a desert plant which requires almost no maintenance. oy vey.

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wow. writing it out makes me feel like i might actually accomplish some of these tasks. i think i could get used to this setting goals thing.

so which one should i tackle first? don't say the fans.

ok, you're right it should probably be the fans. get the worst one out of the way. but then, what?

here's to a homier house is 2012!

my weight loss tools

2012-01-10T08:00:00.001-05:00

in an effort to "pay it forward" i thought it'd be nice to share with you some tips and tricks that i've picked up over the last year or so in my journey with weight watchers. i know there are many of you just starting out and i thought it might be nice to hear some things that helped me in the hopes that they will help you, too!

today i'm gonna share with you some tools that i found extremely helpful and that you're gonna want to have handy.

1. food scale: i remember thinking that food scales were annoying and complicated and just another appliance to clog your countertop. let me tell you- i am singing a different tune these days. i'm kind of obsessed with my food scale. have you ever tried to count out a serving of potato chips? well it ain't easy. enter the food scale. most servings of chips (according to the nutrition facts) is about 1oz or 16 or so chips. it's so much quicker to just weigh them on your food scale instead of trying to find only the perfect chips and count out 16. trust me. i've tried. it's also a great way to get an accurate measurement on meats, cheeses, you name it. food scales are not a huge investment and there's all kinds of options out there.

2. measuring cups & spoons: ok i think i might be hard pressed to find a kitchen in america that doesn't have a set of measuring cups or spoons but how often are they really used? if you're like me i only ever brought them out for baking. not anymore! i use my measuring cups and spoons every single day. it's the best way to know exactly how much you're taking in which is crucial when tracking your food. it will help you learn portion sizes. the first time i measured out a cup of pasta i was shocked. i would have thought a cup would give me a lot more than it did. my idea of portion sizes were way off. a year later and i still measure almost everything. it's just a great way to ensure i stay on track.

3. water bottle: this one might seem a little obvious, but water is so important! some days i do really bad on my water intake and i can usually tell because i'm tired and get headaches. water is a vital key in your weight loss! i find that if i have a water bottle i like it makes drinking water so much easier. i love my camelbak but there's all kinds of great brands out there. also, don't be afraid to put some fruit in your water. some of my favorites to use are lemons, oranges and even strawberries. it adds some sweetness to the water which makes it more enjoyable. one way i ensure i reach my recommended water intake (8 glasses a day) is to keep a water bottle with me on those nights when i'm at home catching up on my dvr. instead of mindlessly eating, i try to mindlessly drink water. haha. it works!

4. measuring tape: one thing that i am so glad i did when i started weight watchers was take my measurements. sure we all really care about the number on the scale but weight loss isn't just about the number on the scale. your body is changing, things are shifting, muscle is taking over where fat used to reside and sometimes the scale just doesn't move. and that's where measurements help. there were many weeks on weight watchers where i didn't lose on the scale but i lost inches in my measurements. i dropped from a size 10 to an 8 over a 2-month period with almost no weight loss. my body was still changing and i was so happy i had those measurements to encourage me that i was still on the right track. in a year i've lost 33.5 inches off my body! 10.5 of those are from my waist. now that is motivation!
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those are just a few things that i've found helpful to have around and that i use on a daily or weekly basis. do you have any tools that you'd like to share? i'd love to hear them!

have a great day,

word of 2012

2012-01-06T13:47:00.001-05:00

i am so humbled by all the love and support and encouragement you showered me with on my last post. it makes me realize that the internet, even with all its crazies, can be a wonderful place to connect with people. i've received numerous emails (that i really need to reply to) from many of you who are just starting out on this journey towards health and i am so excited for you. i really am! you are changing your life and it's hard but it's so worth it. take it from me.

i am filled with so much hope for this year. i have never been so excited for a new year, a fresh start, a new beginning. 2011 was a painful year, but God has graced me with strength i never thought was possible. i am confident that i am exactly where i am supposed to be. i am so fulfilled by my work, my family, my community. here. now. and i'm not naive. i know there will be days where i don't feel that. but today i do and i want to express my gratefulness for this life i have been blessed to live.

in november i started praying and asking God what my word was going to be for this year. last year he told me that 2011 was the year of promise.

and my word for 2012 is:

i believe this is a year of fresh starts... of new beginnings... do i know what that means or looks like exactly? nope. but i'm trusting God that His plans for me are better than i could ever hope or imagine.

grace and peace to you friends,

linking up with

a year later

2012-01-03T08:00:00.002-05:00

one year.

that's how long i've been on weight watchers. seriously? how is it that a whole year has passed? looking back i am amazed that i managed to stick with this program for so long. and the fact that i still enjoy being on it? total reflection of what an incredible plan weight watchers is. no, i'm not being paid or endorsed to promote weight watchers, but i would like to be! hello people! success story over here! put me on a commercial!

when i started a year ago my motivation was pretty simple- my wedding. i had 10 months to get myself in a place where i wouldn't hate the pictures for the rest of my life. and then in march that all crumbled. can i just say that i am so glad i didn't give up on my weight loss journey even while walking through one of the hardest years of my life? because i am. i had every excuse to quit. to give up. to say "to heck with it all." turns out there's a fighter in me. ok, well i already knew that, but usually the fighting is on behalf of others and not myself. it gave me motivation despite the pain i was feeling. it gave me something to be happy about. to focus on. and focus i did.

somehow i have managed to track almost every single thing i consumed in 2011. there was 1 weekend that i let myself off the hook. and then this christmas i gave myself a 12-day break. that's it people. i'm an all-or-nothing kind of gal so you can bet i was all-in with this weight watchers gig. and it paid off.

here i sit, one year later, 62lbs lighter. wearing size 8 jeans instead of 16. with a 32" waist instead of 42. with strong legs that can run 3 miles on any given day. with visible biceps! haha! and no, i don't make muscles in the mirror on a daily basis. psssshhhh. ok, ok i do. so sue me. ;)

weight watchers has changed my life. i am stronger, i am healthier, i am happier. i have made so many new friends through this journey who have inspired me and dare i say, i think i might have even inspired a few along the way. it gives me great joy to be able to support and encourage you in your journey to health and to show that YOU CAN DO IT! it is possible! if a lazy girl like me can do it, anyone can. but you have to want it. you have to be ready for it. you have to believe that it's possible and not give up. yes, there will be hard days. there will be weeks where the scale doesn't move. it will not be easy. but most great things aren't!

look at me preaching over here. i get so passionate about this now! i think i need to channel this into some future blog posts for those of you just starting out. i know you're out there. wondering if this is your year? the year when you finally do something?

and you know what? IT IS! i'm not done yet, so i'm still right there with you. i've got 8lbs till i reach my first goal of 70lbs but i might push it for a few more to stay in the middle of my ideal weight. if you've got specific questions i can address here on my blog or if there's anything you'd like to see me post about, please leave a comment and i'll see what i can do. i want to pay it forward as best i can.

different kid, same aunt susie :)

happy 1 year weight watchers anniversary to me!

shepherds and angels

2011-12-24T23:30:00.000-05:00

it hit me hard this morning.

christmas, that is.

or the real reason behind it. the weight of what it means.

i thought i'd be better this year at not buying into the hype and in many ways i was. i didn't over-spend. i sold things i wasn't using in order to buy gifts. i tried to be a good steward of what i had. but i did stay busy.

busy busy busy.

it's my vice. there's always more i can do. there's always more i should do... or so the voices say.

but it hit me hard this morning as i watched this video that i put together for our christmas eve service. i can't really take the credit for it. one of my pastors wrote it. i just made it look nice and added music really. needless to say it still took up countless hours of my week to work on. i tried to upload it so i could embed it here but that's not working out so well. bummer.

the basic gist of it is this:
when jesus was born the angels came from heaven to proclaim the news of his birth. but who did they come to tell? did they come to the religious leaders? to the rich? no. they came to shepherds. low of the low. unnoticed, unimportant to the rest of the world shepherds. the first people to hear of our saviors birth lived in fields... were probably dirty... were probably poor. my lord, THAT is the gospel right there! God chose to reveal himself first to the most unlikely group of people. that's what i love about God. he flips things around to force us to really think... to see... to listen and understand.

it's not about being put together. it's not about having the nicest gifts to give. and it certainly isn't about getting the greatest new thing. it's about humility. about allowing yourself to be broken. recognizing that you are broken. that you NEED Him. that you are nothing without Him. that if He hadn't sent His son as a tiny, little baby you would be completely lost and hopeless.

oh but joy of all joys, He did send His son as a precious little newborn... completely dependent upon the world in which He created... it's almost inconceivable really. the way in which God works leaves me completely undone.

so i'm reflecting on that today. rejoicing because no matter how much i try to put myself together i'm still in desperate need of saving, of forgiveness, of His bountiful love. and it's there just waiting for me to embrace it. it's there for you, too.

merry christmas friends,

single digits baby

2011-12-13T07:00:00.003-05:00

sunday night was monumental for me. i left the gym after running 3.3 miles, headed to my local kohls, confidently grabbed a pair of size 8 levi's jeans and dashed into the dressing room quickly before someone caught a whiff of me. as i slipped on those single-digit pants i held my breath... i put one leg in... then the second leg in... pulled them up... secured the button... zipped the fly and... VICTORY! they fit! even after i released that breath.

so i did what any normal social-networking-crazed-woman would do- i snapped a photo with my iPhone and quickly took to twitter to share my joy!

within seconds the replies to my tweet came flying in and that's when i lost it. yes, i had a breakdown in the dressing room at kohls. i apologize to the other customers who had to hear my muffled sobs. i promise they were happy tears.

i sat down out of shock.

and then i stood up just to check myself out again.

just 11 short months ago i could barely fit in my size 16 jeans. i never thought single digit pants would be on my radar. i never thought i would run but yet i completed three 5k's in just two months and now i'm starting to train for a 10k. i never thought that i would be able to inspire people through my journey to health but somehow i find people telling me that i have and i am humbled.

and every single time i've taken to this blog or to facebook or instagram or twitter to share an accomplishment or milestone i am met by an overwhelming show of support. the tears that i shed in that dressing room weren't just for how far i've come but it was also for those of you that have come with me. that have cheered for me. that have congratulated me. that have motivated me to get off my butt and go run when i didn't feel like it. you can't place a value on that. to know that there are people out there rooting for your success... people you have never and maybe never will actually "meet?" it's incredible and so much of what i have been able to accomplish would not have been possible without YOU!

this year has been hard in so many ways but i know that i'm coming out of it a stronger, more confident, more beautiful woman. there were so many days where i felt alone and abandoned and after reflecting today i am reminded of how untrue that is.

i can and will set out to finish what i started and i hope you'll stick around to see it.

much love today,

remembering

2011-12-09T12:05:00.001-05:00

today marks 4 years since what many of us, who experienced that day, refer to as "the shooting." in some ways it feels like another life ago but at the same time like it was just yesterday. i guess that's pretty common when you walk through a tragedy such as that. my heart always aches a bit more on this day, especially when i think about the families who are going through another holiday season without tiffany or phil. grief and loss are such difficult processes to walk through and i pray that God continues to bring peace and comfort to their families hearts.

i do rejoice today though in the lives that have been touched as a result of their sacrifice. God can and does use even the most tragic events to bring people to Him. as a result of tiff's scholarship fund several young people have had the opportunity to develop a passion for missions like she had. what an incredible legacy you have left my friend.

sending love to all my ywam family today. wishing i could sit and chat and hug each one of you. we're scattered all over the world now but i am so grateful that we can come together on this day and really remember.

grace and peace,

the in between

2011-11-29T15:10:00.000-05:00

i realize it's been about... oh 3 weeks since i last posted and that post was from my first day out of ten that i spent in romania... so to say i'm behind would be an understatement. the fact that i didn't post anymore while i was in romania might give you a clue as to how busy we were and how little free time i had. there is more to be said about that trip and the experiences i had there and hopefully i'll be able to share some of them with you soon.

transitioning back into regular routine has proved difficult. i always find that "re-entry" after a missions trip, whether you were gone for 2 weeks or 3 months, is a tough process. transitioning between vastly different cultures can be tricky to navigate and it can really mess with your head and make you question everything, which is both a blessing and a curse.

so i did what any normal person would do. i hid. oh wait, that isn't normal? well sometimes it's normal to me. you know, what do you do when you don't want to deal with things like ummm your emotions? you avoid them. you watch endless hours of friday night lights. you sleep for 11 hours a night. or maybe that's just me. i guess we all have our methods of coping. don't judge.

couple all the emotions you've just experienced after sitting in a tiny 2-room home in romania that houses 10 kids under the age of 15 with all the emotions of jumping into this holiday season after getting engaged last christmas and then breaking up 2 1/2 months later and well... that's just a recipe for disaster folks. that's exactly what i've felt like. a disastrous mess of emotions including anger at anything that breathes and overwhelming sadness and hopelessness that i wish i still wasn't feeling. oh man, writing all of that out just makes me sound so crazy. but you all know i like to keep things real around here when i can.

despite the messiness i've still managed to maintain myself on weight watchers. i'm so close to my original goal of 70lbs... only about 12 away. just crazy. i ran another 5k only 2 days after getting home from romania. it was great because i got to run with my sister, who i adore obviously, and it was so special. we're running another one on saturday here in our city. the finish line is only a block from my house. fantastic! so i guess i'm a runner now? feels weird saying, but it has to be true. i've logged over 43 miles in the last 7 weeks. that must qualify me as something. ;)

thanks for all the support and love during this season. special thanks to all my ladies on twitter for the encouragement lately. xoxo

grace and peace,

first day in romania

2011-11-09T15:49:00.000-05:00

today was our first full day here in romania and honestly i feel like i've been here a week already. we had a jam-packed day and combined with the jet lag... well that's probably why i feel like that.

we had the opportunity to share at 3 different churches today with some friends of ours and it was amazing. i am once again humbled by the outpouring of love from the romanian people. they welcome us with open arms and are willing to wait sometimes hours for us to arrive to share with them. i count it a full privilege to be welcomed into their homes and churches so openly. we were able to pray for many people and lay hands on many who are sick... i am so excited to hear the reports from those who were healed because i KNOW God did so much today!

the 2nd church felt right at home to me as soon as i walked in because it was PACKED with children. it's no secret that i love kids and i especially love teaching children's messages. i knew once i stepped through that door that i would need to share with those precious kids. immediately i thought that i would share the story of david and goliath, so while someone else introduced us i quickly refreshed my memory on all the details of the story. i had a blast getting them all involved and doing my best to make it applicable to their lives today. i think it went really well. they seemed on the edge of their seats which is always a good sign. storytelling to children is so fun because you get to be silly and extra dramatic. haha. right up my alley!

overall it was a fabulous first day. please pray for God to continue to give us strength for the days ahead! tomorrow our day will start at 11am and they say we won't return to the hotel until midnight! oh my! this is not a trip for the faint of heart. it's tiring, but God's love must be spread. so thankful i get to be one of His tools to do it!

and thank you to all of you who are praying for us while we are here. your prayers are certainly felt. thank you thank you thank you!!!!

grace and peace,

it's travel time again

2011-11-04T11:20:00.000-04:00

over the last 5 years i've gotten to travel to some incredible places around the world and develop relationships with some amazing people. i try not to take the opportunities i've had for granted and i feel so privileged to work alongside some of the most faithful servants i believe this world has to offer. this year was tough in so many ways, one of them being that it's the first year i haven't traveled to zambia after going for 4 years straight. while i have peace about that decision, it was still a hard one to make. traveling and sharing God's love with others has become a part of who i am... at least in this season of life.

in 2009 i had the opportunity to travel to romania with my parents and a few others. my parents have been going to romania for years. while there they spend a lot of time sharing at churches and encouraging the pastors and believers there. bibles are hard to come by for a lot of people so they've made it a personal mission to put a bible into as many hands as possible. i've witnessed firsthand the joy the people feel when they are given their very own bible- they way they hold it as their most precious treasure. it's humbling when i think about how much i take for granted- like the fact that i have access to my bible on my phone 24/7? yeah.

on monday night i'll be getting on a plane destined for eastern europe where i'll once again get to see and connect with some special people. i'll be in romania for 10 days traveling with my parents, my pastor and 2 dear friends of mine. i'm looking forward to getting out of my usual routine and being submersed in another culture for a while. i can't help it. i love these kinds of adventures. i do feel a bit under-prepared for this trip though. there has been so much going on the last few weeks that has taken my attention but i know God will move despite that. let's just hope i can get everything done before i leave monday. and if not? i suppose the world will still go on. just another lesson in relinquishing control i suppose. :)

if you are able, please keep me and our team in prayer! pray for safety as we travel... pray that i am able to get some sleep on our overnight flight... i'm usually a terrible plane sleeper. pray that we would not only be prepared to give of ourselves, but that we would be open to receive what God has for us as well. i'm humbled that God can use me even in my broken, messed up state. i know it's when i'm the most weak that He is strong. that is certainly going to be my mantra for this trip. pray that when we have opportunities to speak that God would fill our mouth with His words that would encourage and bless the hearts of those listening.

i'll do my best to keep you updated along the way (thank God for international plans on the iphone). i have a favor to ask you? would you commit to pray for me while i'm away? i thought if i could get at least 10 people to choose one day to pray (or even fast if you feel so inclined), that would be amazing. what a way to stay connected together during this time! we leave this monday november 7th and return on wednesday november 16th. if you're able to would you just leave me a comment and tell me what day you'll commit to pray? if more than 10 people want to do this, then we can always have multiple people praying each day. you can't ever have enough prayer. :)

thank you so much for your support in this. i'm so blessed by all of you!

in the meantime

2011-11-01T08:39:00.000-04:00

today is a special day! i'm guest-posting over at my dear friend tatiana's blog today. she's doing a series called "her story" which features different women sharing parts of their life. i was so honored when she asked me to be a part of it. so click on over and check it out.

thanks again tatiana for letting me join in!

hope you all have a wonderful day!

part of the wreckage

2011-10-31T08:00:00.001-04:00

ethnocentrism.
homogeneous.
assimilation.

these are words that a few years ago were barely in my vocabulary. but once i heard them... understood their meaning... i couldn't go back. you know those moments where you learn something you had been ignorant of for so long and you realize then that you have a choice? you can bury that new information... stuff it down so low that you don't have to think about it. or you can let it wreck you. and i mean that in the best way possible. you can let it wreck you to the point that your entire life changes and you are never the same again. i think out of those moments are birthed movements of justice... organizations that leave lasting impact... and people who become world changers.

a wise friend once told me that knowledge equals responsibility. i've never heard a more truer statement.

in 2009 i took a class that, i believe, altered the course of my life as i knew it. it was a class on racial reconciliation. we met once a week on wednesday night over the course of a few months. it was in that class that my eyes were opened to see the gospel in an entire new light. my heart broke as i saw my own inhumanity... as i recognized how little i understood about the principles of the kingdom of God... as i saw areas in my own heart that were clouded by racism and prejudice. i was faced with my own ignorance... a hard pill to swallow.

but i am forever grateful. God has woven my life together with some of the most incredibly beautiful, loving, tender-hearted people who are so uniquely different from me but yet add such richness to my life. i honestly don't know how i would have survived this year without them. without their prayers. their hugs. their tears. their love. i'm humbled by my community each and every day.

this weekend our church hosted a racial reconciliation conference. the course that i took over several months crammed into 2 days. it was our first time opening it up to the public and God brought the people together in such a beautiful way. as i sat through those teachings i allowed myself to be wrecked again. to be reminded of why i'm doing what i'm doing. why i live where i live. and boy did he wreck me. it forced me to look at some of my actions in the past, especially in regards to my relationship that ended this year, and i realized some of the damage i caused... some of the mistakes i made as a white woman in a relationship with a black man... how had i analyzed every area of our relationship except the racial dynamic? maybe it wasn't time until now for me to see it. i don't know. i can't change the things that happened but i can learn from them. i intend to do that.

i have so much more i could share on this topic but for now i'll leave it at that. oh being broken isn't fun and it isn't easy but it is so worth it.

grace and peace,

let go

2011-10-27T10:29:00.000-04:00

it's been a tough couple of weeks... thus the lack of posting. i know there have been moments on this blog when i was having a hard day and writing about it helped me process, but it's difficult sometimes to be that vulnerable and honest, especially when you have no idea who or how many people will read it. it's days like that where i'm grateful for the people who are present in my life to let me vent and cry as i try to put words to the emotions i'm feeling. not to negate the incredible encouragement i receive from this blog and those of you who read it- trust me, lord knows i am grateful for that, too. it's just that sometimes you need real arms to fall into and someone to pass you a tissue or two.... or a whole box in my case this week.

i thought that passing october 15th would magically release me into a world of peace and acceptance and yet here i am, still dealing with it. no, it's not consuming me but i'm faced with decisions and choices i never wanted to make. a friend at church asked me the other day what "season" i'm in right now. i was taken aback by the question and for this internal processor i needed time to think on it. so i have been pondering that and asking the Lord where i am and i keep coming back to "letting go." ugh. for a control... ok recovering control freak the words LET GO stir up all kinds of crazy feelings. the last thing a person who wants to feel in control does is let go. really God? is this some kind of sick joke? if i let go, everything falls apart. or does it?

see that's the lie that wants to keep me attached to people, to expectations, to my work... that false need to control or fix or do everything. God is trying to teach me to let go... to just be... to rest. REST! what? who has time to rest? there's work to be done, isn't there? you should all be grateful that you can't hear my inner dialogue. for real.

last week i was sick. i had a head cold that wiped me out and i had no energy. by friday i was completely zapped. i knew i needed to stop and rest. my body needed that. but yet i struggled all day with my decision to stay home. was i really sick enough to be home? what about all the work i had to do? i could probably go into work. it's just a cold. then i hear it again- LET GO. susan, let go. give yourself a break. you are human. you get sick. the world will function without you for one day.

when oh when will i understand? letting go is supposed to be a freeing experience. when i was a kid i used to love jumping off the swings. we had this awesome wooden swing set that my dad built us. not like those plastic ones kids use today. the swings were wooden boards attached with ropes. we were hardcore like that. one of our favorite things to do was to swing really high and then fly off the swing and land, hopefully safe, on the ground. just thinking about that now makes me almost shudder in fear. but oh there was such joy in letting go. in soaring through the air so freely. what happens to us as we become adults that we lose the joy in letting go? there's a million answers for that i'm sure... i'm still trying to wrap my brain around mine.

even today... i have so much to do. i'm teaching a lesson at a prayer ministry school i co-lead tonight. and friday and saturday our church is hosting a racial reconciliation conference and i have so many loose ends to wrap up before 7am tomorrow. it won't all be perfect. i know that. and there's grace for me in that. even giving myself a few minutes to write this blog is hard knowing how much i have to do... but it's ok. it will be ok. God knows what He's doing. he can manage the universe much better than i can.

to all my other struggling-to-let-go-people... i'm with you. i get it. it's hard. we can do this. no, it won't happen overnight. but embrace the process. start where you can. and for goodness sake- give yourself a break every once in a while and rest, ok? :)

grace and peace to you today,

fixing my eyes

2011-10-05T08:00:00.002-04:00

this week marks 7 months since my fiance and i broke up. 7 months. and today marks 10 days away from what was supposed to have been our wedding day. where has that time gone? sometimes it feels like a blur and others an eternity. i remember when we chose october 15th and i thought that day would never come. and now for the last 7 months it's been a day that i've wanted to ignore. can't we just skip that day altogether somehow? that's what i asked a friend of mine the other day. another friend said how sad they were when the month changed and they flipped their calendar only to see our wedding date written down. a harsh reminder of the reality of what happened. a reality i've had to live with every day for the last 7 months. and while it still hurts, the sting isn't so bad as it once was. that aching in my heart that i thought would never go away? it has, for the most part, subsided. that struggle to get out of bed? that's passed, too. the anger? meh... it's still there a bit. got to work on that i guess. hey- i'm not perfect.

tonight i read through some of my earlier posts when i was right in the thick of my pain. i was worried it might stir up crazy emotions, but i remained calm. looking back i'm amazed i even had the emotional capacity to write some of the things i did. those moments of strength were God-given for sure. grief is an interesting process. and yes, i do believe grief is exactly what i've been walking through these past 7 months. grief isn't caused by physical death alone. any major loss or disappointment in life could be categorized as grief and with it all those emotions and feelings as well. i think the hardest part in this grieving process for me has been letting go. letting go of that white-knuckle grip i want to have on my own future. that small semblance of control i think i have over how things will turn out. how i want things to turn out. that grip does me no good. how can i really see where i'm going when i'm constantly turning around to look back? there were several times during my 5k on friday when i wanted to look back. to take a glimpse and see who was behind me. who was about to pass me. but i resisted. i kept my focus on where i was going- not who i just passed- or who was about to pass me. it reminds me of this verse in hebrews:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

i want- no i need- to fix my eyes ahead- on Jesus. on the future that He has laid for me. on learning to live more intimately with Him. on connecting deeper with those around me. do i think it's wrong to look back? of course not. but i'd say that if i'm looking back long enough to trip or fall or miss a turn then my focus isn't in the right place. so that's my personal challenge i suppose. for myself. but if you're in a similar boat feel free to join me.

and now i leave you with one of my favorite quotes that i've had written in the back of my bible for years:

"O, tis a thought must melt a rock, and make a heart of iron move; that the joy which was set before Jesus, was principally the joy of saving you and me." C.H. Spurgeon

mmm... that's like a warm blanket on a cold day.

grace and peace to you today,

my first 5k

2011-10-03T09:35:00.000-04:00

i'm struggling to find the right words to begin this post. part of me wants to start by saying "thank you" for all of your sweet comments and words of encouragement regarding my 5k on friday. the other part of me wants to start by saying how amazing it felt to accomplish something that once seemed so overwhelming. instead i'll show you some pretty sweet photos that my lovely sis captured. ;)

you can't run your first 5k without having a cheesy photo of you crossing the finish line. but i love it.

overall, it was an awesome experience. i think there were a few hundred people who ended up running. the start happened so fast and before i had time to really think i about it i was off. it was hard to find my pace because there were so many people and it felt like they were going so fast. i had to remind myself to slow down and not focus on the other people. it started raining shortly after the race started and didn't let up the whole time. when i approached the finish line my entire family (and my bestie) was there cheering me on. it was so special to see them there supporting me and so proud of what i did! somehow i managed to keep the tears at bay. my sister is another story. haha! she's so sweet and has been my biggest cheerleader. :)

after the race my entire family went and had dinner together. my little brother was even in town from california this weekend so having him there was amazing. my family is incredible. they spent their friday night standing in the rain watching me run and for that i am so grateful.

yesterday i saw a flyer at a store for a 5k in november. i might just be hooked.

much love,

this is it

2011-09-30T13:59:00.000-04:00

today's the day. i'm running my first 5k.

sometimes i wonder how i got here. in june i attempted to run a mile with my brother at the beach and it was pure torture. i somehow managed to do it but i thought i was gonna die. i wanted to give up so many times, but my brother's constant "you can do it" and "just a little farther" managed to keep me going. when i finished i felt exhausted, but on top of the world. by God's grace i had completed something that seemed so ominous, so impossible. i loved that feeling. i wanted more of that. so when my neighbor told me about a local 5k and asked me to run with her i told her yes. i finally put that couch to 5k app on my phone to good use and started training. i love how it eases you into running. it kept me motivated and feeling like i accomplished something each time. love that.

last week i ran the longest i had yet. 20 minutes of non-stop running and i felt great. in fact i even cried when i finished. i was just overwhelmed with how far i have come physically and the things my body is capable of doing now and so very grateful for the pounds that i've been able to shed this year (54 baby- oh yeah!). on sunday i pushed myself and made it to 25 minutes- just over 2 miles. i was excited, but nervous for today. so on tuesday i decided i was going to go for 3 miles. i set my phone to a distance run of 3 miles and off i went. when the app notified me i had completed 1 mile i had to chuckle to myself because i thought back to that first mile at the beach with my brother. i remembered how hard that was and here i was about to run 2 more miles. about halfway through my 2nd mile i started to get nervous. it was hot. i was tired. i wanted to stop. it was such a mind game for me. if only you could have been in my head at the time hearing the pep talks i was giving myself. when i run i literally have to tell myself over and over again- "YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU ARE STRONG! DON'T STOP!" somehow it works. but that last mile was tough. i was so close to stopping but then the biebster came on with "never say never" and there was no way i was gonna let myself stop with that song blasting in my ears. thank you justin for your quirky pop music that somehow keeps my butt in gear.

i'm not gonna lie- when i finished i thought i was gonna hurl. i was exhausted. i had pushed myself to the limit. i thought i was gonna pass out. i didn't. i chugged some water and shared the good news with my neighbors. i sent text messages to my family that pretty much said, "holy crap i just ran 3 miles." haha. they encouraged me. they cheered me on. i tweeted it and got so much support. it's just so crazy to me that i'm here. that i am capable of doing this. wow.

so all that to say i think i'm ready for tonight. i'm nervous as heck but that's typical for me. whenever i get myself in a new situation and i have no idea how things are gonna turn out i go all type A and freak out. so a lot of that is happening today but it's all good. when the race starts i'm just gonna run and hopefully keep running until i cross that finish line. will i be crying? it's quite possible. just the thought of that finish line has set me into tears the last couple days. this is such an emotional experience for me... it's hard to explain. with everything that has happened this year- to be here... doing this... it's just nuts. and a testimony to God's grace and goodness. that he's managed to bring me through all the pain and struggle the past 6-7 months and produce a stronger, healthier person... it's humbling.

i could probably ramble on an on about this especially in my nervous state so i'll stop now. thanks for all the cheers and prayers. send them my way this evening around 6:30. :)

much love,