The Lost Ogle

Shaping The Minds Of America’s Youth: The OKC Roller Derby

Tony — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 17:00:38 +0000

Before I started writing this post, the only thing I knew about Roller Derby was what I learned in that movie Rollerball starring LL Cool J’s abs and the supermodel that was married to Uncle Jesse. Turns out, I did not even know that. Rollerball, it seems, has something to do with motorcycles and the former Soviet bloc; Roller Derby features very physical women skating around in an oval and making me feel like a wimp. The Oklahoma City Roller Derby league was started in 2006 by eight women, and has since grown to a group of more than 50. This Saturday is the state tournament, and features teams from Tulsa, Stillwater, Broken Arrow, and Sand Springs. After the jump, an interview with roller derby evangelist and one of the many women in the world that can kick the crap out of me, Mean Mean Maxine. TLO: Explain roller derby to a roller derby virgin like myself. What am I going to see? I gather it is not the same as the time I went to Fun Skate for my friend William’s 11th birthday party. MMM: It all depends on the type of birthday party…I remember my slumber parties turning into American Gladiator competitions! Women’s Flat Track Roller Derby consists of two teams of women (yes…there are men’s teams loving called “merby”) who are all skating on quad skates, no roller blades are allowed. On the track, which is oval-ish in shape, there will be 5 players from each team consisting of 4 blockers and 1 jammer. In the pack, the blockers, there are two people from opposing teams with a helmet “panty” on with a strip down the middle designating the blocker as a pivot. A pivot is responsible for controlling the pack by speeding up, slowing down, calling plays, etc. The jammer is designated by the star on her helmet “panty” and she lines up on the track behind the pack of blockers. The first whistle blows and the pack of blockers start skating, trying to get control of the pack by getting in front or making a wall of players or any other strategy they may have to keep the opposing team’s jammer from breaking through and getting through the pack first. On the second whistle the jammers start skating. The goal of the jammers is to get through the pack as quickly as possible, without any penalties, and obtain lead jammer. Lead jammer is designated by the referee pointing at the jammer after she has exited the pack in front of the opposing jammer. The first pass of the jammer through the pack is a “non-scoring pass” and is to determine lead jammer, giving the lead jammer the option of calling off the jam at any time she would like. To call off a jam you will see her hitting the front of her hips with her hands. Not all jams with have a lead jammer, at that point the jam will last the two full minutes and neither jammer is able to call the jam off. On the subsequent passes through the pack the jammer is able to score points, one point for each of the opposing team members that her hips pass…her hips must pass, not her foot or her shoulders or her boobs…her hips! The team with the most points wins…and the chick with the most scrapes and bruises gets to look bad ass for a week or so! TLO: Did you ever see that movie Whip It with Ellen Page? It got really good reviews, but I’m wondering if you noticed that it got little details wrong. When I watch a movie about a sport I am very familiar with, it drives me crazy when they do unrealistic/not true to the sport stuff in favor of the story. MMM: The story of her feeling like she didn’t fit the mold and was looking for her way seems to hit the nail on the head for a lot of women playing this sport. The search for something to fill a void of some sort…however, the violence doesn’t happen, all that much. Don’t get me wrong though! There are times when people get angry and a fist may fly, or there might be an intentional back block (pushing someone in the back), or even a block with or to the head. For the most part they are few and far between. We do not line up on the track, skate around, stop, and then clothes line the other team. Don’t get me wrong, there are people that you come across that you would love to do that to but then you realize that the best way to beat them is by kicking their asses on the track and taking home the win! TLO: Who do you think is the favorite to win the state tournament? I need another reason to talk trash to those clowns in Tulsa, so please say the OKC team. MMM: Well, I might be a little biased but I think that the OKC Roller Derby Expo team will take home the B Team ranking championship trophy after beating CORDA from Stillwater!! I also think that the OKC Roller Derby Home Team will wipe the floor with Tulsa Derby Brigade from Sand Springs and Green Country Roller Girls from Broken Arrow. We won’t make them cry…much! TLO: Do you ever get the urge to go to Sonic and just out of nowhere bodycheck one of those carhops skating food out to a car? MMM: I think there would be nothing better than to jump out of the car and wait for a skating carhop carrying at least 2 Route 44 milk shakes and knock the heck out of her…of course showering her with ice cream! They don’t call me “Meanie” for nothing! TLO: If someone were interested in playing roller derby, how can they get involved? If [Read More]

Friday Night in the Big Town: Beer, Wine and Jokes

marisa — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 05:00:23 +0000

Greetings, faithful readers! I hope all is well with you, for I must admit, I am a little sad this weekend. I know football season just started and all, but I’m ready for it to be over. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Sooners and watching the occasional pro game, but I have to say, I love the men in my life a little bit more. Do you have any idea what it’s like to not be able to have a single one of your boyfriends want to go out with you on Saturday because they’re either watching the game or too drunk from partying during the game? It totally sucks. And to make matters worse, not a single one of them will watch Project Runway with me on Thursdays because they’re so freaking obsessed with fantasy football and watching Sports Center. Will any of you comfort me, faithful readers? No? Fine. Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town. September 10-11: Choctaw Oktoberfest Though I generally prefer English beers, every year for Oktoberfest, I make an exception. If you would like some tasty beers and juicy sausages, may I suggest you also make the same exception? And even if you don’t like German beer, there will be a ton of people in lederhosen. And I know how much you guys love German oom-pah music. Good stuff. Tune up your accordion and head out to Choctaw. Unless you are underage. Then you can’t drink at the festival. Instead, you must consume Natty Light in the parking lot of the mall like the good lord intended. September 11: Lisa Lampanelli at the Firelake Grand Casino Lisa Lampanelli makes dick jokes and talks about sleeping with black guys. For these reasons, she is my hero. September 11-12: Chapel Creek 2nd Annual Grape Stomp Festival You know, faithful readers, the only thing I like more than Fuller’s ESB and Jameson Irish Whiskey is red wine. I have a bunch of old bridesmaid dresses with the stains to prove it. I’m not fancy about it either. Would it surprise you to know that I may just stick my face under the spigot on the wine box without even bothering to get a glass? So, if you have the same affinity (addiction) that I do, perhaps this event is for you. There will be a will be music, food, wine tasting and grape stomping. Also, I hear you get a souvenir glass. What’s not to love? That’s all for now, gent—er, um, I mean faithful readers. I wish you the best this weekend. And for you guys out there, remember the ladies in your life who really don’t care football after the game is over. I mean, really Chad! Would it kill you to turn off the fantasy football once in a while? You keep up this sports obsession and you’re going to turn into Clark.

Five Things NOT To Do…If You’re a Pastor Hiding in a Strip Club

Chad — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 15:30:32 +0000

Hi kids. Yesterday Fox 25 ran a story that caught our attention. Usually that only happens if the story involves nuts in the morning or Liz Dueweke’s address, but this one was different. It was the story of [former] First Baptist Church of Anadarko Pastor, Dr. Randy Robertson, and his um, affinity* for strip clubs. The short version is that Fox 25 spent SIX WEEKS watching this poor degenerate spending hours a day in a “Southwest OKC” strip club and possibly “falling in love” with one of the dancers. Right off the bat, I feel bad for this guy. First of all, don’t fall in love with a stripper. They’re subhumans with barely the capacity to speak while flexing their kegel muscles in your face, and they rarely feel emotions. That’s day-one stuff. But that’s just the beginning of my sympathy. Now, despite what your dick lawyer friend says, we here at TLO are not in the business of ruining people. Usually. What’s the point? So why exactly did Fox feel it was necessary to spend a month and a half trying to ruin an obviously already broken man? I didn’t link to the story – mainly because Patrick deducts one french fry from my salary for every external link I post – but it ends with the Fox crew following Dr. Randy (come on, that’d be funny if you were British) back to Anadarko and calling the cops on him for “swerving” while doing 90mph down the highway. They never showed the swerving, so we’ll have to take their word for it, but really guys? Come on. Basically, I just don’t see what they have against an uptight Baptist pastor getting his kicks, and helping the OKC economy while he’s at it. Sure, he could have been using “church money” to “woo” this poor stripper who had “tricked him” into loving her, but does it really matter? No. It doesn’t. So just in case you’re in the same boat as this poor fellow, here are some things NOT to do to help keep your down-low on the quiet-tip. Proceed: 1. Ignore the news van that’s been following you for SIX WEEKS They had two reporters and a cameraman, in a van, outside a shit-hole strip club. For a month and a half. Look, I know how it is: The second you pull into that parking lot, you’re blinded by the puss….I mean, the thought of seeing the woman you’re in love with. How can you not feel sorry for this guy? I know you can picture his Baptist wife in Anadarko – who knows about his “problem”, he tells Nick Winkler - and it’s no stretch to then picture him falling for a younger, more gyrating girl. But the bottom line is, you can’t walk around with your love-blinders on if you’re hiding and sneaking around behind your congregation’s back. You gotta watch out for inconspicuous vans full of people and cameras, man. Come on. 2. Fall in “love” Look, I love women as much as the next guy – assuming the next guy is also screaming in the rain outside the window of a girl he went on two dates with after a series of pleasant-yet-impersonal text messages. But we won’t talk about that whore yet. What I’m trying to say is, sure it’s easy to fall in love. For someone in, say, the clergy/church business, it’s probably really easy. It’s like a guy who once ate a Twix when he was a kid, and never since, walking into a store where a Twix will dance on your face for a few dollars. Temptation is a bitch. But you can’t go getting emotional with a stripper. Anyone who’s spent as much time in strip clubs as our former pastor should be able to see that hustle coming from a mile away. I won’t even go into the whole morals/ethics/God thing. He’s just another hypocritical Okie Christian. I’m not even surprised by these anymore. 3. Spend “the congregation’s” money The sad truth of it is, whether he’s buying lotto tickets, new tires, or those change-of-life diapers for his dear misses, he’s spending the congregation’s money. If you’re a member of his former congregation, oh well. That’s just how it works – He’s your pastor and he gets paid. Your money paid for his HBO, his Miata, and probably more than a few face-dances. And those are more than $20. Trust me. 4. Wear loud Hawaiian shirts Yeah, it helps you blend in once you’re in the strip club with all the other weird, old “daylight” regulars, but it does nothing for you when you try to sneak around reporters outside the back door of the club. You know what you don’t want to hear if you’re ducking reporters at a strip club? Something like, “There he is – in the terrible shirt!!” 5. Drive home angry Seriously, don’t do it. These people are vultures for human suffering. And they’ll call the damn cops. You used to be cool, Fox 25. I don’t think we can hang out for a while. Just until things blow over. That doesn’t include you, Liz.

12 Bad Replacements for Bob Barry Sr.

Patrick — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 13:53:55 +0000

Last week, you may have heard that Bob Barry Sr. (5’11”/270/Classen High School) is stepping down as the longtime OU play-by-play announcer at the end of this season. To steal a line from our Twitter feed, here is what Bob Barry Sr. had to say regarding the news: Bckta passt ynufg Merv jshsb ytok flump TOUCHDOWN OKLAHOMA!!! Man, it’s about time this guy stepped down. The only thing that sucks about it is that it happened about 15 years too late. I know he’s a nice guy and everything — hell, he even went on a date with my grandma in the 1940s —but listening to Bob Barry Sr. try call a sporting event was comical. That would be cool if I was looking for comedy, but when I’m speeding back to my house after picking up pizza and trying to decipher what’s going on in the third quarter of an important football game, it’s kind of annoying. Anyway, now that Bob Barry Sr. is retiring, the search begins for his replacement. Hopefully, OU will hire a good announcer, but there’s also a chance that they may hire a bad one. Hell, they may even hire someone worse than Bob Barry Sr. After the jump, we’re going to list 12 of those “bad replacements.” Check it out. 1. Berry Tramel Bull Feathers! I must admit, Berry Tramel has gotten a little bit more tolerable on the radio, but that’s only because he goes out of his way to annoy Jim Traber on the Sports Animal. No lie, Jim Traber could say something like “Man, that hamburger looks tasty,” and Berry Tramel would then say, “It can’t be tasty Jim, it’s got onions on it! Any good burger cannot have onions.” Then they would bicker about onions, steroids and Roger Clemens for 10 minutes. We don’t need Berry doing this to Merv Johnson. - 2. Bob Barry Jr. Trust me, I’d rather hear Bob Barry Sr. recite dirty limericks about my grandma than hear Bob Barry Jr. talk about anything. His voice is ridiculously annoying. It’s one of those voices that’s at a high enough pitch that you think he may be gay, but you’re not 100% sure. It’s kind of like when you learn a guy likes John Mayer. - 3. Brandon Chatmon Just watch the video. Again. - 4. David Garrett This isn’t the local attorney David Garrett, he would probably do a better job than Bob Barry. This is the David Garrett who was a play-by-play guy for the Dallas Cowboys for a brief period in the 1990s. He’s now apparently a sports talk host on Fox Sports Radio 1340am. I say “apparently”” because I’ve never listened to it and his most recent blog post from last May mentions things like “The Sports Brothers” and “Randy Renner.” Yes, that Randy Renner. Anyway, Garrett may be a decent play by play guy, but since his sports talk co-hosts are either Randy Renner or Jenni Carlson, he doesn’t deserve the OU job. Also, I can’t tell if he looks like a lesbian or a hobbit. That would confuse me. - 5. Diane Rehm Yeah, we may go to hell, but we needed to include a woman on the list. Plus, she really would be worse than Bob Barry Sr. Just sayin… - 6. Driver Driver is the radio handle for a flower delivery guy who calls The Sports Animal about 20 times each day. The guy is ultra-annoying. He acts like he’s best friends with all the hosts and that the listeners actually care about his opinion on the sports. It’s kind of the opposite. I’m sure the hosts can’t stand him, and if I’m actually listening when he calls in, I go to another station. I’d do the same if he called the play-by-play for OU football games. - 7. Jack and Ron This would be torture. They’d probably spend the entire broadcast flirting with their spotter and selling cars. They’d also probably try their best to be funny, but I doubt they would succeed. - 8. James Hale All play-by-play guys are homers, so James Hale getting the job for that reason wouldn’t bother me. What would bother me, though, is having to hear a guy have an orgasm every time he remembers he’s the play-by-play guy for OU. Other than successfully owning and operating a few Burger Kings, that’s probably his lifelong dream job. - 9. James Lankford We should have removed James from this list. I totally forgot that he is qualified for this job because he was the Director of the Falls Creek Church Camp. I guess that qualifies you for any job in life. Plus, maybe he’ll share some tales of debauchery. - 10. John Brooks Replacing an out-of-his-prime living “legend” with another out-of-his-prime living legend isn’t a good idea. Also, I still have no clue what Jiminy Christmas means. - 11. Mark Rodgers Mark Rodgers would probably be a good play-by-play guy, but I bet he’d spend timeouts doing body shots and playing beer pong with hot college chicks. That means he’d be plastered by the 4th quarter, which means he’d probably sound worse than Bob Barry does now. - 12. Ranger Roger Yeah, this would be creepy. And cartoons don’t translate well onto the radio.

Farewell, Amy McRee…

Patrick — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 05:25:25 +0000

Yesterday, we were alerted via Facebook that Channel 9 is running a commercial that hints that one of its anchors is leaving the station. I haven’t seen the commercial — and I don’t know if they’ve made the official announcement — but one person who is leaving Channel 9 is Amy McRee. We’ve known about this for a while. Here’s what we’ve been told: • Amy is married to some hot shot guy from Hollywood. The guy lives in LA and is apparently the producer for Pros vs. Joes or one of those other stupid Spike TV shows that only your little brother or nephew watches. • Yes, Amy McRee is pregnant. • When Amy leaves for maternity leave, it will probably be the last time we see her on Channel 9. Apparently, her contract is up in less than a year. From what we’ve heard, the contract will not be renewed. Neither Amy or the Channel 9 management are too upset about this. • The leading candidate to replace Amy is Amanda Taylor. According to one of our Ogle Moles, Amanda is much hotter in person than she is on TV. • As of now, we are not aware of any photos circulating online of Amanda Taylor in a pink bikini.

The Hobby Lobby Dream

Clark Matthews — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 15:00:11 +0000

It isn’t a strange fantasy. What guy hasn’t been dragged into Hobby Lobby with his wife or girlfriend and stood stoically while she carefully weighed the merits of the pumpkin colored yarn versus the tangerine colored yarn? It’s like a rite of passage for any couple in Oklahoma. So, the only way for a man to remain sane is to conjure crazy thoughts about torching the place to the ground. Whether the dream is as simple as wishing it were Sunday–so the store would be boarded up like a home under zombie invasion–or involving the use of Christmas decoration marked down for Summer as weapons to maim everyone in the building, every guy has daydreamed of harming Hobby Lobby. Late Monday night, someone actually went through with it. Using a ‘97 Ford Explorer, someone smashed through the glass doors of the building. The vehicle then sped away. Several clues suggest it was a man. For one, no one got out to fill the back of the SUV with tile mosaics and frames etched with “Live, Laugh, Love.” Also, because the SUV is more than ten years old, you can eliminate the possibility of the culprit being a housewife who lost control of her vehicle while texting her friends the score of Jaiden’s soccer game…even though this did happen in Edmond. Of course, there is always the outside possibility that it was a disgruntled female employee, but Hobby Lobby actually gave all of their low wage employees large raises at the peak of the recession. That has to be worth some good will from their workers. All of that considered, it was a man–a man angry about the spinectomy he received sniffing scented candles while his significant other stocked up on decoupage materials. From there, the suspects can only be narrowed to the state’s entire male population. If you have information about who may have vandalized the Hobby Lobby on Danforth, call Edmond Police (625-8398) or leave the information in our comment section.

Gentle Readers!

marisa — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 05:00:35 +0000

Greetings, gentle readers! ‘Tis I, Marisa, here to answer all your questions so you can get your lives on track. All questions were sent in by actual gentle readers such as yourselves. Your response to my call for questions was overwhelming. I mean, you straight up blew up my inbox with like, all 5 of the questions that were sent in. So, if you don’t see your question answered here this week, check back in next week. I promise I will try to get to all questions in a timely fashion. Unless you ask something dumb. Then I will probably sign your email address up for all sorts of lame newsletters and spam. Josh from OKC writes: How can I concentrate / focus on actual work better at work? I constantly go from one useless website to the next. I go from thelostogle.com to facebook.com to boingboing.net to thechive.com etc etc. I end up spending at least the first 45 minutes to an hour cruising these sites. Then I go get a cup of coffee. Then I have to take the obligatory “just had a crap ton of caffeine” crap. I don’t think I get my day started till like 10 oclock sometimes. I’ll take my answer off the air. Thanks. Well, Josh from OKC, I’m no career adviser, but it sounds like you don’t like your job. If you really wanted to do what you were getting paid to do, I don’t think anything would distract you from it. It would appear that you would like to become a part of the internet since you spend so much time just cruising sites. May I suggest you become a blogger? It’s probably the best career decision that any of us at The Lost Ogle has ever made. Seriously, we just sit on the web all day, drinking coffee and raking in mad cash. Honestly, when we aren’t busy wiping our butts with hundreds, we’re burning them. And the good thing about being a blogger is that you don’t have to be productive. You pretty much just say whatever you want and then angry groups of pseudo-Jedis write you emails about it or like, 3 readers tell you they hate your catchphrase. It’s probably the best job in the world. P.S. Clearly we have starkly disparate definitions of “useless.” Piratedig67 asks: Why are some people doing Octoberfest in September? This is a good question. I’m sure Wikipedia will tell you something about tradition and all that nonsense, but I have a feeling that this has something to do with Wal-Mart. You know how Wal-Mart always has the Christmas decorations out for sale the day after Halloween and by the time you get to December, you really don’t even care about the candy canes or watching those Rankin-Bass movies? Well, I have a theory that Wal-Mart probably started advertising beer steins the month before in order to sell more, and now people feel like they’re celebrating Octoberfest in September. I don’t think you should let this commercialism deter you from drinking oodles of beer, though. If you’re anything like me, gentle readers, I don’t think you’ll have any trouble staying in the holiday spirit. Larry Von Stekelenberg III writes: First of all, let me express my displeasure at your discontinuation of the phrase “Gentle Readers.” I believe I speak for the silent majority when I say: If you abandon catchphrases based on the objections of blog readers, the next thing you know you’ll be giving handjobs for $5 in the Made In Oklahoma building bathroom during the State Fair. If you don’t think I know this from personal experience, you’re out of your mind. Now, the reason I am writing: My best friend is dating a horrible person. I do not enjoy saying this. I tried to like her, I really did. I want him to be happy. But she is sarcastic, mean-spirited, yells at my dog, and has this completely obnoxious habit of saying things like “Hey, Jerry, I went ahead and made an appointment with the doctor for next Tuesday,” not to inform Jerry that she made an appointment with the doctor for next Tuesday, but in an incredibly annoying attention-grab trying to get me to say, “Oh no, what’s wrong?” It’s insufferable. She also doesn’t drink booze. I do not know what to do. Our entire circle of friends cannot stand her, but of course it is terribly insensitive to tell him that. He genuinely likes her. Is there anything we can do? I fear the answer is no. Well, Larry, let me start off by saying that if you think I haven’t given my fair share of $5 handy j’s at the State Fair, you are sadly mistaken. I look forward to it every September. As for the “gentle readers,” I’m sure you’ll find it alive and well at this very moment! Now, onto your question. I must say at first I thought this chick was me until you said she doesn’t drink. Then I knew that you were totally making this up. Who doesn’t drink? I mean, except for Clark Matthews who has been known to hit the Motts apple juice pretty damn hard from time to time. I mean, really, Larry. What person doesn’t drink? Let’s just say that this person does exist, and they really are as bad as you say they are. Luckily, people that don’t fit in a group usually find that they don’t fit sooner or later. Even if Jerry genuinely likes this woman, I’m sure at some point it will occur to him that she throws off the group dynamic and he will see why you see this woman in a completely different light than he does. She can’t keep the wool pulled over his eyes forever. Also, don’t forget, it’s your job as a friend to guarantee that Jerry doesn’t ruin his own life too much. If need be, you must take action to get this woman out of his life. It could get sticky telling him to dump her so may I suggest a more covert procedure? [Read More]

Tulsa Tuesday: Something burned down in Tulsa.

Patrick — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 06:40:05 +0000

You may notice that I (Patrick) am writing Tulsa Tuesday. This is because our normal Tulsa Tuesday columnist, The Irritated Tulsan, has gotten involved in something us bloggers call “a paying job” and has taken a temporary hiatus from writing for us (or his own site). We wish the IT all the best during this adjustment period. If you are from Tulsa and think you can fill in for IT while he’s away, send us an email at The Lost Ogle at Gmail dot com and tell us why. Anyway, the big news in Tulsa this week is that a drive-in movie theater burned down. And it was big news in a sad way, not a “finally that stupid drive-in burned down type of way.” Just check out these reactions from the Tulsa World. The entire town is on suicide watch. Even the Karate Kid is upset. For nearly six decades, Tulsans have gathered at the Admiral Twin Drive-In to watch movies under the stars. In 1982, they came to watch director Francis Ford Coppola film part of “The Outsiders” at the drive-in. Within hours of the Admiral Twin fire Friday, fans had set up a Facebook page to raise funds for the storied theater’s rebuilding. Others sent their photos and memories to the Tulsa World. The World has gathered links to past stories, information about how to help, videos and a slideshow from Friday’s blaze at tulsaworld.com/admiraltwinfire Reactions “It’s just so sad to think it’s gone.”— S.E. Hinton, author of “The Outsiders,” which was turned into a movie that was partly shot at the drive-in. “It’s completely toast… Right now, the future does not look good for the Admiral Twin Drive-In.”— Blake Smith, whose family has operated the Admiral Twin since 1987 “Obviously there is a lot of historical significance. The community will be feeling this loss for a long time to come.” — Tulsa Fire Capt. Michael Baker, who was at the scene of the fire “Film should be seen in many arenas, and the Admiral Twin brought families together in Tulsa, Okla. … It will be sorely missed.”— Clark Wiens, owner of Circle Cinema“ S.E. Hinton just emailed me this sad news about the Drive- In featured in The Outsiders – was my 1st day of shooting. ”— Tweet from Ralph Macchio, who starred in “The Outsiders” “Some of my best memories growing up in Tulsa happened in long-gone movie theaters, and the Admiral Twin was the last one of those still standing.”— Michael Smith, Tulsa World movie critic I’m not sure which is worse. Tulsa’s sentimental landmark burned to the ground, or that Tulsa’s sentimental landmark is an old beat up drive-in movie theater. They are both kind of sad. Seriously, I’m sure that most of the people who are upset about this tragedy probably got laid at the Admiral, but I can’t think of a worse place to watch a movie than a drive-in. Drive-ins attract three groups of people you don’t want to be around at any time: drunk teenagers, cheap families, and your parents reliving their long forgotten youth. Saying all that, our hearts and prayers are with Tulsa during this tragedy. First you get the WBNA and now this happens. The Golden Driller better watch out. He may be next.

Labor Day Laziness

Clark Matthews — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 15:14:18 +0000

Today is Labor Day, which means everyone is out at the lake/sleeping off a Sunday hangover/still diagnosing why the Sooners only won by seven on Saturday. Since traffic is bound to be down, how about a re-run. And what better re-run on Labor Day than a story about Oklahoma’s Labor Commissioner. It’s hard to even make up stories that are this good. As you probably know, State Labor Commissioner Lloyd Fields was sent to the drunk tank this past Saturday night after trying to…get this…steal a bull rider’s guitar at a rodeo after-party. Welcome to OOOOOOOklahoma, ladies and gentlemen. In other states, labor officials are involved in shady midnight deals behind an old abandoned warehouse by the dock, where they exchange black briefcases with union leaders and people use code names like “Mother Fox” and “Dakota.” But here in Oklahoma, our labor commissioner just attempts to steal a rodeo cowboy’s guitar at a good old fashion hootenanny. Anyway, in a clever attempt to make this story even better, sources have confirmed to The Lost Ogle that authorities are investigating the possibility that Commissioner Fields utilized the services of an accomplice in the attempted guitar heist. For a complete rundown of the suspects, click the little “click more” button. Andrew Rice Democratic Nominee for US Senate As the <sarcasm> terrifying</sarcasm> picture seems to show, Andrew Rice looks like a pretty cool guy to hang out with. He kind of looks like a guy that has some vintage Cure or Depeche Mode albums or knows someone who can get cheap weed. But even though that may be cool to us and some 34 other Oklahomans, he’s probably not “Oklahoman” enough for the rest of our state’s residents. The first step in becoming more Oklahoman and beating Jim Inhofe: stealing a guitar from a professional bull rider. Yee-haw! - Mathis Brothers Wealthy Furniture Demigods The salesmen at Mathis Brothers are more annoying than hipster trust fund babies that hang out at Café Nova on Saturday night. Maybe by helping Lloyd steal the guitar, he told the Mathis Brothers that he would protect their sales force from harassment lawsuits, ensuring that future generations of Oklahomans (and now Canadians and Californians) will continue to be stalked as they search for the perfect love seat, ottoman or coffee table. - DeMarcus Granger OU Football Player He’s obviously not scared of cowboys and the only thing worse than getting caught stealing a guitar is getting caught stealing a jacket from a Burlington Coat Factory in Arizona. - Scott Hines Reporter, KFOR Scott Hines is the annoying little investigative reporter guy for Channel 4. He probably told Lloyd that he’d help with the crime, but instead just double-crossed Lloyd and shot some video of the attempt so he could have a big sweeps story. - Vince Gill Country Music Legend Apparently, Vince Gill is a local country music legend. I know this because the local media and boring 50 year olds who work at Chesapeake say so. However, Vince also looks like a really big wuss. And I bet all his songs are about Oklahoma sunshine and flowers and rainbows and stuff. Maybe he decided to help steal the guitar to show Amy Grant or Toby Keith how mean he can really be. - Tyson Meade Lead Singer, Chainsaw Kittens Tyson Meade is the cross dressing lead singer of the Chainsaw Kittens. They are reuniting for the upcoming Norman Music Festival. They probably need instruments or something, since it’s a free concert. - Tony Writer for TheLostOgle.com He’s pretty smooth with the ladies, loves politics and never misses a rodeo after-party. Something tells me Lloyd and Tony were probably talking labor law at the bar and some hot (female) bartender dared them to steal the guitar. - Brent Skarky Anchor Dude for OklaTravelNet.com Country Western Music? Check! Hunky Cowboys? Check! Check! Brown Leather Chaps? Checkity-Check! Check! Check! (Just like with Tony, something tells me that there would probably be a dare involved with this, too. However, it’s a dare that I want to know nothing about.) - Kellen Sampson, “Heart. Hustle. Hardwood” Basketball walk on Kellen has always been loyal to his dad, and to maybe help deflect some of Kelvin’s recent controversy, he decided to help Lloyd steal the guitar. I bet Lloyd was about to get away to, but Kellen (much like his dad) found a way to screw it up in the end. - Matt Meyer Annoying Sports Animal Board Operator Matt Meyer may have the most annoying voice in the history of radio, so maybe if he helped steal the guitar he would have learned to play it instead of spending all his time interrupting Jim, Al, Berry, Dean, Billy and whoever else is supposed to talk on The Sports Animal. - Cliff Hudson CEO or something for Sonic, former OKC School Board President Cliff is like the good Spiderman and bad Spiderman. On one hand, he got rid of the allegedly corrupt Oklahoma City school superintendent. On the other, he is the CEO of Sonics, which rips people off with overpriced food and drinks. Something tells me the bad Cliff may have been with Lloyd that Saturday night. - The fake Moe Dampeer Some America Idol guy that made it to Hollywood Since everyone locally still probably thinks this guy is Moe Dampeer–and have no clue who he really is–he would be the perfect accomplice to the not-so-perfect crime. Anyway, those are the suspects. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if any of them turned out to be an actual accomplice. Of course, I also wouldn’t be surprised if a meteorite ridden by Gan Matthews just crashed in my living room, because I’m just cool like that.

Saturday Morning 1990’s Music Video (105)

Patrick — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 16:06:49 +0000

Football season begins today. Hip hop hooray.