Angie Rubin

Tuesday afternoon I had a lengthy conversation with a friend who is also a therapist.   We talked about meaning, fame and success; all important themes in my life.

For most of my life meaning and success have meant cause and effect; there is no meaning without success.  Because success’ currency in our society is fame and fortune, I for many years felt my life unimportant.

The worshiping of money and fame is nothing new.   We know that from history books and actually two of the ten-commandments can be applied to this quest: 1 – “You shall have no other gods before me” 2 – “You shall not make for yourself an idol.”

As I continue on my journey of seeking out my truth and well-being thinking and discussing personal worth and values are a constant topic of reflection and conversation.

As I was driving home from seeing my friend, I had to pull up to the side of the street to let a fire truck and the paramedics drive by.  They were rushing to save someone’s life.  A person might live or die based on their performance from navigating traffic to accessing and administering the right care as quickly and as efficiently as possible.  Is there anything more important than that?  We see firemen and paramedics drive by us almost on daily basis without giving much thought about the work they perform.  They are not famous, don’t make a lot of money, and we don’t consider them to be important.

On the other hand we are fascinated by Lindsay Lohan,  Justin Bieber, Mel Gibson and anybody else whose name we can recognize and who mostly perform less important tasks than those of the men who save lives on a daily basis.

It is now clear to me that meaning is different from fame and fortune and it doesn’t depend on scandals, box office success, magazines or the stock market going up or down.  It also doesn’t depend on other people’s recognition or approval.  Whatever the meaning of my life is, it is my very personal journey.

“There is not one big cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.” -Anais Nin

Angie Rubin

September 11 is just a few days away and while most people around the world and especially in this country will remember it as a day of horror others will try to add their own kind of misunderstanding.

I’m not a religious person and seldom get passionate about arguing religion.  I’m more interested in discussing that which brings us together and not what pulls us apart.  My life’s interest is to try to listen and respect other people’s opinions even if they drastically differ from mine and in return receive the same.

It is conflicting to me when a man like pastor Jones of Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida, discusses burning the Koran.

I understand his amendments rights to do whatever it is that he wants but my question is why does he want to do it?  Why would a man who speaks of love take an action that will elicit violence? By making his actions public he is sending a message and that message is not of love and conciliation but of dare.

Jones says: “Our message is very clear. It is not to the moderate Muslim. Our message is not a message of hate. Our message is a message of warning to the radical element of Islam, and I think what we see right now around the globe provides exactly what we’re talking about.”

And his site reads: “Any religion which would profess anything other than the truth of the bible is of the devil. This is why we also take a stand against Islam, which teaches that Jesus is not the Son of God, therefore taking away the saving power of Jesus Christ and leading people straight to Hell.”

I know Jesus Christ spoke about love and so I looked for some of his sayings on the web and these are some of the beautiful quotes I found: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”,   “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone” and everywhere I looked there were references to turning the other cheek and loving your enemy.  So Jones and others like him are not speaking the word of Jesus – that’s not my judgment I’m basing my conclusion on Jesus’ word and Jones’ words –  but are spreading the word of their ego which is telling them they are more righteous than others.

We do have a lot of problems in the world, in our cities and in our neighborhoods but taking actions that are devoid of love and understanding only begets more hate.  This is a concept that we all need to embrace for our own well –being; the understanding of others without judgment so we can expect the same in return.  I am of course not including crime when I talk about not judging others – as for that we have the law – but am talking about who is right or wrong or who has sinned or not.

May we, people that are dedicated to find ways to communicate in this very disjointed world, continue to have love in our hearts as we find our common human traits which remind us we all want and need the same regardless of our believes and nationalities.

In honor to all the people and their families who have lost so much on 9/11.

Angie Rubin

Life is not cast in stone.  It is cast in sand.

That’s what I told my fifteen year old niece when talking to her on the phone today.   She was feeling insecure about the classes she had chosen to take this semester.  She said “I want to make the absolute right decision.”   I tried to explain to her there are no certainties.  We make what we think is the best decision and then we move forward with certainty.

I also tried to tell her life is ever changing and having the ability to let go of the past and live in the present was more important than making the absolute right decision.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. – Don Marquis

We all have different qualities and procrastination has never been an issue for me.  In wanting to help my niece I thought about what makes me have the ability to make decisions quickly while others spend much energy in trying to figure out the absolute right.  The answer came quickly:  I’m not afraid to take responsibility for my actions.  And the why is below:

1. I understand there are no absolutes and so I make the best decision I can and move on
2. I understand tomorrow will bring a new set of issues – that I don’t yet know – that could affect my decision.  So I might as well decide, move on and deal with new circumstances when they happen
3. I realize whatever the consequences; I can always rely on my own resourcefulness
4. Life is a dance between my thoughts and decisions and other peoples.  I can’t foresee or control everything

But most importantly I wanted my niece to know that one decision alone does not seal someone’s fate.

Worry ducks when purpose flies overhead.  ~C. Astrid Weber

Angie Rubin

I just read the below post on the Huffington Post and wanted to share it with you.  The way the writer, Tara Sophia Mohr, describes the process of creation reminded me of when I was a performance artist.

Many years ago, when I first landed in NYC, I used to create multi-media performances that utilized sound, music, movement and visuals.  The language of each performance was unique and therefore I had to create a whole world for it.

My process started with just sitting and listening to music – that helped create the emotional environment I needed – and then just let my mind wonder.  I spent many hours, days and weeks just allowing my imagination to run freely.  Once satisfied with the world I created I would then start working on how to turn my creation into reality.

That’s how Tara describes the process of nurturing a dream.

Our dreams can be performance, new job, business, home or life-style.  But we have to nurture and protect them before our fears have a chance to take them down.  And once we are on the path on “how” we must remember that dreams have a timing of their own.  We must always revisit the spark that excited us in the beginning so our dream doesn’t run out of gas and has the time it needs to come to fruition.

By Tara Sophia Mohr

Posted on the Huffington Post

My coaching client Allison had a dream to leave her job and start an innovative program working with teens. She often daydreamed about her vision. But her mind would become overridden by thoughts like these: “Where do I even start? It’s so big. How could I ever support myself and my family financially? How would I raise money? How would I recruit the kids? How, how, how…” It only took a couple of minutes before Allison was too overwhelmed to take any productive action forward…Continued

Angie Rubin

“Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.”  – Rumi

Being human is complex.  Within each one of us there is a whole world of rights, wrongs, beautiful, ugly, attractive, sad and happy.  We form ideas; “this is the way being right is”, “this is the way being wrong is” and we become rigid in the word we create.

I know we feel the compulsion to qualify and quantify everything because it gives us a false sense of security.  But the truth I, on a daily basis our ideas are challenged by life.  What we think is absolutely not acceptable perhaps looked at in a different light is not so wrong.  And we become aware that love, hate, acceptance, jealously, sadness and contentment all live together in our hearts.

Recognizing the rigid rules we live by are self-created, embracing the dichotomy of our feelings and living peacefully within the contradiction is the great juggling act of life.

By Angie Rubin

We live in a world of many points of view.  We are a planet of Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Atheist and many more.  We are Republicans, Democrats, Anarchists, Independents, Libertarians, Green and Apolitical.  We are men, women, gay, and transgender.  These are the things that set us apart.  What bring us together are love, compassion, understanding, happiness, courage, integrity and decency.

If we peel the onion of segregation we find an all-encompassing heart.  Underneath it all most of us want the same things; food, shelter, safety and love.

Yesterday I posted on my Facebook page a CNN.com article on scientist Steve Hawking’s latest book in which he sets out to prove god doesn’t exist.  I’m not going to get into the discussion of the veracity or lack off of his assertions- which is not the point of this post – but instead would like to talk about the way we approach a dialogue can lead to possible success of certain failure.

While it would be easier to live amongst like-minded people we know that is impossible simply because we live in cities, countries, and a planet that is occupied by diverse people and ideas living next door to each other. So bottom line is we need to learn to converse because there are decisions to be made that affect all of us; our environment, education, economy and politics.

I am someone who is guilty of having spent many years of my life clinging to my truth and aggressively trying to prove that I was right.  After many years of life I now know that is just wrong and a complete waste of time.  I have learned when dealing with someone who from the outside seems to have many opinions that differ from mine that I should not engage in the differences but instead look for the similarities.  Once trust and respect is established we have a much better chance to resolve our differences or find a way to let the differences be without discord.

Because there are extremists on all sides of “hot” issues it is our responsibility – people with more stable minds and hearts – to not shut doors on each other’s faces and continue to repeat our mantras to ourselves and like-minded friends; I’m right they are wrong.  I’m smart they are stupid.  The stakes are too high.  We can’t afford not to find ways to co-exist because if we fail the extremists will make us pay the price.

The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs.  ~Joan Didion

So many of us let life happen as if we are passive bystanders and have no say in what and how life transpires.  Instead of making choices we live a life of reacting.  On the other hand making decisions on how we want our lives to develop demands responsibility but offers in return self-respect.

Living a life that only reacts keeps us in the role of victims.  Things happen to us but it is not our fault.  We didn’t think, we didn’t choose, how could we be at fault?

When we finally embrace that our lives are not someone else’s movie we are watching in a theatre but our own and that we are actually the main writer, producer, director and actor, we feel empowered to create a master piece.  It is then that all the creative respectively come together to discuss which movie should be made and we no longer are victims but instead masters of our own destinies.

1 – Our ability to let go – Living in the moment requires releasing control of any outcome.  We are here in this moment and in this situation.  Where the future goes it’s not so important.  Where we are is.

“Life is a process of becoming. A combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” -Anais Nin

2 – Keeping our expectations in check -  Having expectations on how things should be or how we should feel often robs us from actually appreciating or enjoying things as they are.  Here’s a basic example of what I’m saying:  If we hear a movie is GREAT from everyone one we know and all the reviews corroborate with our friends and family’ assessment when we finally get to see that particular film, we go in expecting something spectacular.  Now if the movie doesn’t actually blow our socks off, we become disappointed and don’t get to enjoy a very good movie because we had high expectations.

That’s what we do in life.  We often have specific expectations and anything even a hair below the mark, to the right or to the left, keeps us from enjoying the experience.

Anger always comes from frustrated expectations – Elliot Larson

3 – Silencing inner judgment -  It chains us down and keeps us from feeling light and free.  Life has many difficulties and obstacles and adding our inner chatter accomplishes nothing.  Psychology refers to this type of self-criticism as neurosis.  We don’t need it.

The greatest happiness of life it the conviction that we are loved – loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves. – Victor Marie Hugo

4 – Silencing harsh judgment of others – I think judging others is a way that our insecurities have come up with to keep us away from others and therefore “protected”.  If we could see others mostly by their qualities and not short-comings we would be much more interested in sharing with them.  One dimensionally labeling others keeps us all in our own cocoons.

When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself. – Wayne Dyer

5 – Letting the past go -  Once something is done it is also finished.  Living in the past keeps us from experiencing a present and creating a future.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us – Helen Keller

And what we should all do is:

One should say before sleeping, “I have lived many lives. I have been a slave and a prince.  Many a beloved has sat upon my knees and I have sat upon the knees of many beloved.  Everything that has been shall be again.”  W.B. Yeats.

And finally:

Success is getting and achieving what you want. Happiness is wanting and being content with what you get. – Bernard Meltzer

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms,

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers.

Thanks to your love a certain fragrance,

risen darkly from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride,

so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where “I” does not exist, nor “you,”

So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

So close that your eyes close and I fall asleep.

-Pablo Neruda