There’s something invigorating about hitting the reset button and starting from scratch… and that’s what this post is about.

You see, there’s something that inevitably accompanies love: Pain.

When I got married 4 months ago the last thing I wanted to do is hurt my wife. But no matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put into our relationship, no matter how many skills I put into practice, I inevitably say (or don’t say) or do (or don’t do) something that causes her pain.

Funny thing about us humans, when something causes us pain, we instinctively pull away from it.

So, when you get burned by the stove, poked by a needle, or punched in the face you flinch. You protect yourself. You put  distance between you and the threat. You do this because your brain hates pain. And the crazy thing about your brain processes pain… it isn’t biased… emotional pain and physical pain trigger the same response in your noggin, so your reaction to getting hurt physically or emotionally is the same.

That means when you hurt your partner, their instinct is to withdraw. Or, to get more personal, every time I hurt my wife, it puts distance between us. So, if you (or I) want any sort of closeness or intimacy in your (my) relationship this whole “emotional retreat” thing causes some problems.

So now it’s time to bust a big myth Adam Savage style: Your whole life you’ve been taught to apologize when you’re wrong, or when you make a mistake. This is great advice! Being accountable for your screw-ups is a trait found in good humans everywhere. But it’s not why you apologize to your partner.

You apologize to your partner because they are hurting, and they’ve pulled away. You apologize to them because, whether you meant to or not, your words or actions were the emotional fire, the needle, or the punch to the face. If you want to restore the intimacy and closeness needed for your relationship to work, you need to say, “I’m sorry.”

You must apologize to offer your partner the gift of healing.

You must apologize when you offend her or hurt her feelings on accident.

You must apologize when you disrespect him or emasculate him unintentionally.

You must apologize even when you’re right. You must apologize when your wrong. You must apologize when you hurt your partner, because when you cause them pain and don’t heal that pain, you put distance between you and your love. You jeopardize the strength and integrity of your relationship.

Give yourself, your partner, and your relationship a fresh start. Apologize. Heal each other. It’s the most beautiful gift you can give the person you love.

Don’t Let Your Dreams be Dreams

Relationship researchers at The Gottman Institute have found that once couples get a solid foundation for a healthy relationship into place – mutual respect, learning to turn towards each other and not away from each other, good conflict management skills – one of the most important things they can do to make their relationship thrive is to pursue each others dreams together.

There’s something powerful in helping make someone’s dreams become reality. It creates a powerful bond of trust and feelings of excitement, anticipation and shared meaning when you have someone back you up and push you to be your best self.

Pursuing your dreams even opens the door to resolve some of your most complicated conflicts. (Often times the reason behind recurring conflict is unfulfilled or unspoken dreams.)

But before you can support each other in your dreams, you need to allow yourself to dream! It’s easy to forget to do that. The pressure to be a responsible, reasonable, rule-following adult may have smothered the dreamer inside you many years ago.

It’s time to ask yourself: Where do you want to go? What do you want to accomplish? What problem do you want to solve? What mountain do you want to climb? What adventure do you want to embark on? What hero do you want to meet? What book do you want to read? What book do you want to write? What new hobby do you want to pursue? What value do you want to cultivate? What do you want your kids to say about you at your 50th anniversary party? What do you want written on your tombstone?

Once you let yourself (and your partner) start dreaming… seriously dreaming, you can start to invest your time, resources, thoughts and energy into supporting those dreams as they become goals.

In this week’s podcast, Michelle Peterson from the #STAYMARRIED Blog shares with us four different ways to support our partner in their dreams: Emotional support, esteem support, informational support and tangible support.

If you want to learn more about each of these types of support, listen to the podcast or check out this post on the #STAYMARRIED blog.

Don’t let your dreams be dreams!

Travel to Europe, go skydiving, get SCUBA certified, learn to dance, go on a hot air balloon ride, learn French, master the perfect chocolate chip cookie, move to the beach, make a plan to pay off your parent’s home, start a non-profit, write that book, learn a new instrument and start a band, join a gym, be an amazing friend, perform your first standup comedy routine… live life!

Check out this episode!

3 Myths About Sex and Relationships

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with one of my favorite psychotherapists, Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, to talk about relationships and sexuality. During our conversation, Jennifer debunked some serious relationship myths. I’ve been excited to share them with you from the moment I stopped recording.

What you’re about to read is just the very tip of the iceberg. If you want to dive deeper, please listen to the episode (embedded above). I firmly believe everyone who wants a great relationship would benefit from sitting down with Jennifer, or someone like her.

I hope these words and lessons help to make you a better, more understanding, and more loving partner.

Edit: Jennifer’s courses were some of the most important and impactful tools in helping me and my wife create an amazing marriage, and I just found out they’re on sale for Christmas! The courses include “office hours” with Dr. Finlayson-Fife and are a cost-effective way to address and navigate marital challenges.  This is a great opportunity! Here’s the link. 

Being Selfless is the Key To an Awesome Relationship

Whenever I tell people about this podcast, it’s almost inevitable that they will share with me what they believe is the “Key to True Love.” If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that the “Key to True Love” is to “put your partner’s needs and/or desires before your own,” I’d be a very rich man.

Granted, this theory isn’t entirely flawed. There’s virtue in taking care of one another. But just like most attempts at giving universal love advice, this idea has the potential to be very damaging if taken at face value, especially if taking care of our partner means sacrificing our own needs.

As Dr. Finlayson-Fife puts it, “When we won’t take care of ourselves, the fantasy is that somehow we’re being selfless and that this is blessing other people’s lives. But in reality, if you won’t manage yourself, you pressure everyone else to manage you… if you don’t take a hold of yourself and live a life you respect, you’ll suck the life out of everybody around you, which is very very selfish in the name of selflessness.”

It reminds me of how I used to abuse the Golden Rule. You remember the old adage from the Bible, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?” Well, my version was “Do unto others as I expect them to do unto me.”

I would do something kind for a girl and then get frustrated when it wasn’t reciprocated. I would give compliments to friends and then get disappointed when they didn’t offer compliments back. I would give of my time, energy, and resources – many times with what I felt were sincere and selfless intentions – then get discouraged and even angry when I felt like I was getting walked on or taken advantage of.

In many of these cases I felt like a martyr. “I am always the one putting in all the effort, and nobody else will reciprocate!”

Maybe this sounds familiar to you…

Once again, Dr. Finlayson-Fife chimes in with her wisdom. “Being a martyr is not a selfless position. It’s an extremely entitled position. It’s like saying, “I’m not going to take responsibility for my desires. I’m not going to be honest and straight up about what I want. But I’m going to demand that you figure it out and give it to me, and I’ll resent you enough if you don’t that I’ll go do what I want on the side.”

At the end of the day, your partner is not responsible for discerning and then meeting your basic needs and desires. You are. You’re responsible for asking for time alone if you need it. You’re responsible for initiating intimacy if you want it. You’re responsible for saying “no” if you’re too busy to do something. You’re responsible for your thoughts, feelings, desires, words and actions and how they come (or don’t come) into fruition in your relationships.

Anxiety Means There’s Something Wrong In My Relationship

One of the top excuses I hear people using to avoid or abandon something good is that it “doesn’t feel right.”

Anxiety is often the culprit for these negative feelings.

Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely times when you should trust your gut, but remember, not all feelings are created equal. I mean, your primal instincts could be giving you that uneasy feeling because it sees a huge threat looming just out of sight. Or that gross pit in your stomach might be there because you ate a bad taco for lunch.

Anxiety is complex and misunderstood creature, and despite how you might feel, it’s not always bad. As Dr. Finlayson-Fife explains, there are two types of anxiety:

Unproductive anxiety vs. Productive Anxiety

Unproductive Anxiety – When you try to control things you can’t control.

For example: I’m worried my husband will die in a car crash. I’m worried my wife might one day die of cancer. I’m worried that it will rain on our wedding day. I’m worried that aliens will abduct me in my sleep to do all sorts of tests.

You get the picture.

There are some things beyond your control. Period.

Productive Anxiety – This type of anxiety is a symptom of growth. It means you are willing to do things that are hard. You believe there is a positive outcome in the effort, in the stretching, in the seeking to understand and develop something.

For example: I’m learning a new instrument and I’m uncomfortable not being in a state of mastery. There’s an important conversation I want to have with my partner that will inevitably bring us closer together, but I’m been scared to bring it up. I am ready to eat healthy and exercise, but it is stressful to change my cooking/eating habits and adjust my schedule for gym time. I’ve decided to ask for an evening of pleasure focused entirely on me, and it terrifies me to ask for something like that because I’m so used to taking care of everyone else. I want to share my deepest fantasy with my lover and I’m nervous they’ll think I’m weird.

Sometimes anxiety just shows up when we bump up against our future, better selves. We’re faced with the challenge, the growth, and the work that lies before us, and we’re flooded with doubts. Our insecurities take over.

“Can I do this?” “What if I fail?” “This is scary.” “It might not work out the way I want it to.” “What will happen if I get rejected?”

On the other side of that anxiety is the version of you that you are so incredibly ready to become.

So if you’re feeling anxious, ask yourself, “Is the thing making me anxious something I can control, or something I can’t?” If it’s outside your control, let it go. As the infamous Newt Scamander from Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them says, “My philosophy is that worrying means you suffer twice.”

If your anxiety is coming from something you can control, push forward! Future you (smarter, braver you) is waiting just on the other side!

Your Marriage Is Meant For Your Happiness

This part of the podcast was just too good for me not to quote Jennifer directly:

“One of the reasons Marriage is a divine institution is that you have someone institutionally there to give you feedback about your blindspots.

“The challenge of being human is that we’re so good at self deception. We’re so good at narrating our lives in the way that makes us comfortable:

“We’re good, they’re bad.

“I did everything I could, they didn’t do anything.

“And in reality we’re quite clueless about who we really are.

“People see us more clearly than we see ourselves. We’re much more readable than we want to believe.”

The reason marriage is so incredible, and often times, so miserable, is that our partner is there for us to show us our weaknesses, shortcomings and flaws with the invitation to improve. Marriage is the ultimate self-development tool.

If you don’t want to grow to be a kinder, more self-aware, and all-around better person, marriage is not the institution for you.

A good partnership will force you to ask yourself questions in order to become a better human and partner:

Where do I delude myself? What are the areas in myself that I don’t want to deal with? What are the things that I want other people to believe about me, and why am I invested in being seen that way? What’s hard about being with me? What’s hard about being married to me? What’s hard about being my brother?

Answering these questions may not be fun. It probably won’t be easy. The answers won’t necessarily make you happy in the moment… but they will make you better.

The truth will always make you better.

The truth will set you free… but first it might really suck.

What did you learn from this episode? How have your relationships stretched you, challenged you, and exposed you to truths about yourself? What are the hard questions you’re being confronted with? How can you be (or prepare to be) a better partner? Which of these myths do you agree or disagree with?

Let’s hear your thoughts in the comments!

What is Porn?

Technically the official definition of porn is “the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement.”

It’s worth noting that what is considered porn is different to just about everyone. When you hear the word “Porn” it’s associated with a certain type of images, emotions, experiences and judgements in your head.

Anyone who looks at porn gets attached to those judgements, whether good or bad…

Yet some people’s porn is the Victoria’s Secret catalog, while others consume much more graphic, or degrading, or violent content.

The world of porn is about as diverse as the world of food.

Now that I think about it, this is actually a pretty great comparison if you don’t think about it too hard… There are lots of different types of food. Some of it can be really bad for you. Some people have really unhealthy relationships with the food they eat. Some people get cravings for specific types of food. And saying “I like food” doesn’t really tell you much about me as a person. Saying, “I love hamburgers and get cravings for chocolate chip cookies.” is a lot more accurate… and no, that’s not a euphemism.

Lots of people look at porn. All of these people have unique experiences with it.

What is Addiction?

Addiction is the compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming harmful substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal.

Whether or not porn is addicting is one of the most divisive and polarizing conversations on the topic.

First, it’s important to knowledge that there are people out there who have a compulsion to look at porn. They feel like their reliance on porn is outside their control. They consume it regularly. They may hide this from the people they love, or they may be open about it.

Porn consumption for these people is almost always accompanied by high amounts of shame, and are almost always accompanied by other mental or emotional issues including (but not limited to) anxiety, depression, stress, low impulse-control, narcissism, etc.

This is a condition that really exists for many people, and the word that best fits describes this state is “addiction.”

Now, if we want to get really technical, sex addiction is not a disorder included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (aka the big book published by the American Psychiatric Association that therapists use to diagnose people). Why that is is a long conversation that I’m not going to have here or now.

The important thing to note for this conversation is that many psychologists don’t classify porn addiction as an official addiction for various reasons including the fact that the brain doesn’t behave exactly the same way when looking at porn as it does when consuming drugs. And nobody – to my knowledge – has ever died from the side effects of withdrawal.

So is porn addicting in the experience of the average Joe? Yes, it can definitely feel that way.

Is it addicting in the exact same way that cocaine, or alcohol are addicting? No… not really. But it can still be very harmful.

Why Do People Look at Porn?

People look at porn for a lot of reasons!

They look at it because they want to explore a fantasy. They look at it to self-soothe, and cope with things like stress or anxiety. They look at it to learn what a certain sex act might be or look like. They look at it because they’re in a sexless marriage and they desire a sexual outlet… the list goes on.

The list of reasons people look at porn, and what they get out of it is infinite.

Don’t be afraid to get curious with yourself or those you love to get a better understanding.

And if secret porn consumption is an issue in your relationship, rather than making porn the problem, it’s worth getting curious about what in your relationship, or in your life, or in your partner’s life might be contributing to the desire and/or need for porn consumption.

This judgment-free conversation could open up a lot of doors.

What To Do If You Or Someone You Love Has A Negative Relationship With Porn…

Check back soon for lots of resources provided by Kristin!

It fascinates me to know that billions of people all over the world are in committed relationships, and every single one of these relationships is absolutely, 100% unique to every other relationship in history. Isn’t that wild?!

There are literally an infinite number of ways to create, maintain, and grow a romantic relationship.

It’s so inspiring to me that there is no secret recipe for creating a truly happy, fulfilling, and loving relationship because it means it’s completely up to you to determine what you want and what works best for you!

[Queue the segue…]

One of the most important and complicated elements in most romantic relationships is developing healthy sexuality as individuals and as a couple.

Yes, I mean sexuality, not just sex.

I’ve heard that term “healthy sexuality” come up a lot over the years… but what the heck does that mean? What’s this “healthy sexuality” everyone’s talking about?

Well, first we need to understand what sexuality is. To do this, it helps to first understand what it’s not…

What Sexuality Is Not

Sexuality is not your sex.

Your sex is your biological status, most often determined by your sex chromosomes, and the type of reproductive organs you have.

Sexuality is not Gender.

Your gender is comprised of your attitudes, feelings, and behaviors towards other humans, and how these behaviors fit in with other normative cultural expectations aka: gender roles. Your brain determines the gender with which you identify… not your genitals.

Sexuality is not Sexual Orientation.

Sexual orientation is defined by WHO you love/date/are attracted to.

Each of the above topics is far more complex and nuanced than I’ve described. They worthy of their own individual blog posts (or their own books… which other people have already written). But what I’ve detailed should be enough to make my point.

So now you know what sexuality isn’t. Let’s talk about what it is.

What Sexuality Is

Sexuality is as complex as your own identity as a person.

Think about the set of qualities and beliefs that make you completely different and unique from everyone else.

For example, I’m a guy who likes hamburgers, The Muppets, and occasionally picks his nose when nobody is looking. I value my family and my friends. I believe in the power of kindness. I value hard work, compassion, integrity, and I believe that I will never be done growing (figuratively) as a human being.

Those are a small number of the qualities and beliefs that identify me. That list could probably be 1,000 pages long and still be unfinished.

See how complex this is getting?

Now let’s complete the analogy.

Sexuality is a combination of your sexual orientation, your gender, your sex, the gender roles of the society you live in, how comfortable you are with your body, your values, your self esteem, and your sexual experiences. It’s how you’ve been influenced by your religion, family, friends, age, goals, and the media. It’s how you experience touch, love, compassion, joy, sadness and loneliness. It’s how you dress, what you find funny. And it’s how you feel about it all!

Do you see how sexuality is incredibly nuanced, fluid, complex and messy?

Yet we have a tendency to want to simplify sexuality. Simple things make us feel comfortable and safe.

We often package up our sexuality with binary words like “good/bad,”” right/wrong,” “safe/risky,” “clean/dirty,” or “gay/straight.”

We attach labels and judgements to thoughts, feelings, behaviors, groups and practices that we agree with or don’t agree with… that we feel a part of, or that make us uncomfortable.

The things we desire sexually we rush to deem as acceptable. But once we run up against something that makes us uncomfortable, or isn’t up our alley, we rush to identify it as something that is perverse, gross, dirty or sinful.

The Hazards of Poor Judgement

Judgement is a very human behavior. We all do it.

Good judgement keeps us safe. It’s what keeps us from jumping off a cliff, walking into a dark alley at night, or talking to strangers.

Excessive, uninformed judgement turns us into close-minded self-righteous a-holes who are isolated from the world and condemn anyone who is different from them. Think Donald Trump.

And when it comes to sexuality too much judgement, especially uninformed or ill-informed judgement can be harmful and dangerous.

I’ll demonstrate this in about 5 paragraphs.

Where The Anti-Porn Movement Goes Wrong

This is where the Anti-Porn movement goes wrong.

We’ve been quick to assign porn the labels of “bad,” “evil,” “wrong,” “addictive,” and “destructive.”

Yet people (women included) look at porn for a HUGE list of reasons… and many of them are not “bad,” “evil,” or “destructive.”

For example:

People look at porn because they’re curious. They have a sensation, a desire, or a fantasy they would like to explore in a safe environment. Porn is a private and easy way to explore these often-new desires and curiosities.

People look at porn as an emotional escape. Everyone has moments where the stress, anxiety, and overwhelm in life becomes too much to handle. Porn consumers sometimes turn to porn as a quick escape from the pressures of life.

People look at porn because they feel cut off and lonely. They may not have a romantic partner, or even close friends. Porn is their short-term virtual companion and escape from loneliness.

People look at porn because they want to research new and exciting things to do in the bedroom.

Before reading on, take a moment to reflect. What were your emotional reactions to the reasons I listed above? Did any of them make you uncomfortable? Did you have the “I don’t agree, so that is wrong/bad and not right/good!” narrative going on in your head?

Having a “healthy” relationship with your sexuality means you can feel those judgements and ask yourself questions like this:

• Where did my judgements around sexuality come from?
• Are my judgements and opinions on sexuality fixed or adjustable?
• Am I willing to challenge my beliefs?
• Am I willing to have civil conversations with, and seek understanding with people who may have different opinions than my own?
• Have I ever changed my beliefs around sexuality in the past? Why? Could it happen again?

If you have an unhealthy relationship with porn, you probably have an unhealthy relationship with your sexuality.

Alternatively, one of the best things we can do to combat porn abuse is to develop healthy sexuality.

That means being willing to set aside your judgements regarding what you believe to be “right” and “wrong” or “good” and “bad.” It means expressing empathy and attempting to understand the experience of others before labeling them. It’s being willing to challenge your own paradigm.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an advocate for porn. Not even a little bit. I am, however, an advocate for compassion, understanding, empathy, and healthy sexuality.

What has the potential to destroy your marriage is not porn. It’s your unwillingness to understand the why’s, when’s, and what’s that prompt you or your partner to look at porn. It’s your resistance to exploring your partner’s fantasy without judgement. It’s your refusal to share the things you’re ashamed of that feed your shame cycle*. It’s your unwillingness to be vulnerable enough demonstrate to your partner your desire to develop a healthy emotional attachment full of honesty, transparency, and courage. It’s the judgements you carry regarding what you believe to be “right” or “wrong.” It’s your defiance to educate yourself – even if it makes you a little uncomfortable – to the idea that someone else can have a valid experience that is unlike your own and that their experience may not be wrong, evil, or bad.

For example:

Imagine if every teenager who looked at porn had a relationship with a compassionate adult in their life with whom they felt comfortable sharing their experience. The adult could comfortably ask them shame-free questions like, “What did you experience?” “What did you enjoy?” “What did you not enjoy?” “Where do you think those positive/negative feelings came from?” “Would you like to look at porn again? Why or why not?” “Have you thought about _______?”

What would change? How would the world be different?

It’s time to move away from the widely-held myths that men are the only ones who struggle with porn. Or that anyone who looks at porn is an addict, or in danger of becoming an addict. Or that all porn is damaging and unrealistic.

Porn is like Voldemort (aka: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named). It holds power over us because we are scared of it, and we are unwilling to talk about it.

The best way to combat porn is to celebrate our nuanced and complicated sexuality! We must give ourselves permission to talk about it! We must try to understand each other, cultivate our desires, and banish shame from the conversation.

You are a sexual snowflake.

(*Pro Tip: Most people who view porn and don’t want to – from casual observers, to those who watch porn several times a day –  are stuck in a negative shame cycle that consists of doing something wrong, keeping it a secret, and having lots of judgement around it. Break the cycle by making it ok to talk about, and getting rid of the judgement, and you can help those you care about develop healthy habits to manage their sexuality that don’t include porn. Handling it with anger, outrage, and more judgement will just make it worse.)

Huge thanks to Kristin Hodson for her help and guidance with this piece. She’s an incredible sex therapist, human being, mother, and friend (in no specific order). If you want to learn more about her, you can visit her website here, or follow her on Facebook here.

I’m constantly amazed that this little idea to interview awesome couples has grown into a resource that has helped to enlighten, inspire, and  touch the lives of hundreds of thousands of people for the better. And I feel like we’re just getting started…

One of the questions I get asked most often is “What’s the secret sauce? What’s the most important thing you’ve learned on this journey?”

The answer has changed over time, often depending on the themes that are emerging for me in my life and in the interviews I conduct. And after talking with the Gottmans, David York, and David and Gretchen, I think a new theme has emerged for me – and this one might be the most important “key to true love” of them all.

Be kind.

Here’s a quote directly from the interview embedded above. I had just asked John what was his most surprising discovery in his 4+ decades of work. The answer was so surprising:

Feel free to pin the crap out of this quote. It’s so important!

Let me be clear, John Gottman has discovered a LOT of interesting things in his 40+ years of research.

He’s the guy who can watch a couple argue for 5 minutes and predict with a 93% accuracy whether or not they’ll get divorced.

He’s discovered that 69% of all relationship conflict is unresolvable. They are the perpetual problems that need constant management and never have a perfect resolution. Ie: He likes Mexican food, she doesn’t. Or, how your in-laws meddle and wan to influence how you raise your kids. (You can read more about how to deal with these types of problems here.)

He’s written books on emotional intelligence, betrayal, effective communication strategies, and even how to adjust your relationship after having babies.

Yet the thing that has surprised him most is the abundance – and importance – of kindness and compassion in truly remarkable relationships.

It reminds me of last week’s episode on the podcast. The foundation of David and Gretchen’s amazing relationship is kindness.

It was Gretchen’s kindness to encourage David to find someone who had all the qualities he wanted in a wife that made him realize that what he had with Gretchen was even better than his list.

It is their commitment to kindness that motivates them to treat each other as if their partner were the most special and prized human in the universe. This kindness allows them to navigate disagreements and inspires them to help each other fulfill their wildest dreams.

This kindness is at the center of their goal as a couple to help everyone they meet get one step closer to living their full potential.

David and Gretchen, Ty and Terri, MeiMei and Kiran… these couples (and so many more from the podcast) emulate what John Gottman said is the one-sentence summary of his 43 years of research…

Dr. Gottman even went so far as to say that if he could give his younger, single self one piece of advice it would be to get out of unkind dating relationships as quickly as possible.

When you’re in a relationship with someone who is kind, they are quick to forgive, they are patient and understanding when you screw up, they are compassionate when you are hurting, they inspire you to pursue your dreams, they won’t gossip behind your back, or scream at you when they are angry. They are thoughtful, supportive, and calm in times of duress.

Kindness is the framework for enduring love.

What can you do to be more kind to those you love? How can you create rituals and rules of kindness in your relationships so that they flourish rather than flounder? What is something kind the one you love has done for you lately? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Have you ever noticed that at the beginning of a relationship, it seems like everyone is pushing you toward commitment and marriage?

You come home from a first date and you get asked, “Do you think she’s the one?” or “Did he kiss you?!”

You start dating exclusively and people say, “He’d better put a ring on it!” or “It’s just a matter of time… you guys are totally getting married.”

You send out wedding announcements and everyone celebrates with excitement.

But then…

The moment you get married, the world’s influences start pushing you apart.

You get together with your girlfriends and they all complain about their lazy, incompetent husbands.

Your best buddies gripe about their demanding wives who never stop nagging, and never appreciate what they do for their families.

You hear people joke about “starter wives,” or how a husband is replaceable, but kids are not.

I’ve even heard people taking bets on how long a couple will stay married at the wedding itself.

How messed up is that?!

Marriage can be awesome!

David and Gretchen (recording embedded at the top of this post) pointed the above social trend out to me.

What I love about these two humans is that their marriage is a testament to the fact that we can ALL resist the divisive negativity around marriage that permeates our culture and create amazing, mind-boggling relationships filled with kindness, growth, compassion, and fun!

I encourage you to listen to the episode above to understand how truly phenomenal a marriage can be.

I promise you will be inspired.

I’d love to hear what you liked most about the conversation with David and Gretchen. Leave your comments below!

What’s more important to you?

Kindness or Generosity

Faith or Patience

Determination or Courage

Compassion or Gratitude

Honesty or Forgiveness

Hard to pick, right?

The reality is that regardless of how great and important you think all these values are, you choose to prioritize some values over others every single day… often without even thinking about it.

The values you choose determine how you make important decisions in your life.

It influences whether you give money to a homeless person (generosity) vs. whether you don’t (self-reliance).

It influences whether you spend your money on cool experiences with people you love (loyalty), on things you really want (affluence), or you give it to charity (compassion).

It influences whether you are quick to apologize (forgiveness) or whether you occasionally hold a grudge (justice).

None of these values are inherently good or bad. And none of the above examples are right or wrong choices.

Each of these values is important to create the diverse, beautiful, and fascinating world we live in.

These values also shape your character, your beliefs, your choices, and your destiny.

Our shared values are what bind us to the people we love most… so much so that when our values change, often times our social circles change as well.

Ever notice when a single friend gets married, they often stop spending time with their single friends? It’s not because they don’t care about their friends anymore… it’s because they’ve had a change of values. Suddenly family, love and commitment take a priority over freedom, play and opportunity.

Do you know your core values?

I’m amazed at how many people — especially couples — go throughout life without knowing what their core values are… they don’t even talk about it!

The very thing that binds people together goes completely unacknowledged.

When you know your values, you make more informed and inspired decisions in your life… especially hard decisions.

Your core values make it simple to decide whether or not to take the promotion. Whether or not to have kids. Whether or not to move to a new city. Whether or not to get married. Whether or not to buy a house, or continue renting.

Plus…

When you know your partner’s values, you get a window into their soul.

It’s like having a cheat sheet for their heart.

Knowing their values helps you understand the motivations behind their words, actions, and the things they get passionate and emotional about.

If they highly value equality, they may get really angry when they witness a social injustice.

If they value faith, they may be really hurt when they hear someone curse God, or speak unkindly of their religion.

If they value gratitude, they may become disenchanted and worn out if they don’t receive words of appreciation regularly.

Knowing your partner’s values will make you an incredible companion… the kind that understands, lifts, and inspires their partner to be their best self.

Your values are contagious!

My favorite thing about values is that they are contagious.

A few weeks ago I worked out at the gym next to a friend of mine who is a complete workhorse. He attacked the workout like a bat out of hell.

His drive and ferocity inspired me to work harder, move faster, and take shorter rests.

His value of work ethic elevated my game.

Here’s another example…

Have you ever been in a situation where you were watching someone get bullied or publicly embarrassed? Maybe some people in the crowd were chuckling or outright laughing at the person being targeted. Maybe you even caught yourself laughing along.

Then somebody stands up and says, “Stop! This isn’t ok. Leave them alone.”

Other people start to speak up and defend the victim, break up the fight, or stop the bullying.

One person standing up for the value of kindness or equality will elevate the values of those around them.

When you live your values fully, you cause other people to rise to the occasion.

I invite you to spend some time this week and think about your core values. What are they? Why are they important to you? What experiences have fostered these values and shaped you into the person you are today? What are the values you share with the people/person you love most? How have those values impacted your relationship?

I’d love your responses in the comments.

If you want help identifying your values, check out the Rivets Card Game designed by David York (the guest from the podcast embedded at the top of this post). I’ve played it and it was an amazing experience that taught me a lot about myself and my relationship.

>>> CLICK HERE TO BUY THE GAME

You walk through the door and there’s this barking, and tail wagging, and panting, and licking, and excitement.

I love puppies.

Until…

Ok, here’s the honest truth (as pointed out by Dr. Scott Stanley). When you fall in love with a puppy, you fall in love with the front end. It doesn’t take long for a puppy to pee on the carpet, poop under your bed, or hump your leg to realize they’re not all face-melting cuteness, and tummy rubs.

The back end of the puppy requires some effort and maintenance. It requires the occasional cleanup, or the an early-morning walk outside with a plastic bag in hand. Dealing with this side of the dog is not fun.

Yet, when you love a puppy, you’re willing to clean up after it, and train it, and nurture it.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, this puppy story is an analogy for relationships.

The best couples know how amazing and wonderful and joyful their love has been and will continue to be. At the same time, they recognize that their relationship has a butt that poops.

One of the cool things about relationships is that we create the messes… which means that through the process of cleaning them up, we can learn how to prevent them, or deal with them more effectively and efficiently.

Dynamic couples with mind-blowing love are constantly working on themselves. They’re learning how to communicate with kindness and patience, how to inspire their partner to be their best self, and how to fill their life with gratitude, appreciation, passion, and connection.

These couples know that meaningful conversations can happen regularly if they put a little more thought into their questions, and display a little more curiosity towards the life of their partner.

They know that an argument is an opportunity to practice empathy, compassion, kindness and understanding rather than an excuse to be right and win a battle.

These partners know that the only thing that overshadows the joy that comes with accomplishing one of their own personal goals is helping the person they love accomplish their goals.

They are willing to say “no” to great opportunities because they don’t align with their core values and goals.

They take responsibility for the messes they create. They apologize. They forgive. They don’t hold grudges against their partners or themselves.

Relationships are like puppies. They are amazing, and fun, and can bring you so much joy if you’re willing to do a little cleanup.

In 2014, my theme was “Integrity.” It was amazing to see how my world and my relationships changed as I focused on being a man of my word, and keeping my promises.

In 2015, my theme was “Possibility.” My mind was blown as I watched for opportunities to share my passion with the world. I spoke at TEDx Salt Lake City, and Start Conference. I wrote blog posts that were read by hundreds of thousands of people. I have grown Unbox Love – a date-ini-a-box subscription service, made more TV appearances than I can count, had a blast producing new episodes for the podcast, met new friends and traveled the country putting on workshops and supporting people with their relationships.

I thought long and hard about what my theme should be for 2016. It became crystal clear one weekend in San Francisco as I spent some meaningful time with my good friend, author, and inspiring speaker, Smiley. He was just wrapping up the final edits for his second book. The smile on his face said it all.

He was loving life.

As we talked about our work, and his journey, he said something that really stuck with me. “Nate, life is so distracting. For me, writing is all about focus. It’s all about saying “no” to the distractions so I can do the work. That means Facebook, meeting friends for lunch, or the unplanned hangout with friends. If I don’t stay focused, I won’t get the important things done.”

His words hit me like a ton of bricks.

As fun as my year of “possibility” was, I could feel my heart and my brain begging me to simplify my life. In exploring so many opportunities, I had filled my plate to overflowing.

I’m reminded of one of a podcast episode with Jackson Dunn. He’s the leader of a huge marriage organization. He shared with us a truth that I’ve repeated over and over to couples all over the country:

The biggest enemy of love is busyness.

We often overcommit ourselves and don’t leave any space in their life for cultivating amazing relationships… which we know are the source of lasting happiness in life.

So, it only seems appropriate that if I’m going to devote my year to Focus that I turn to some experts for help.

I made some new friends this week who run a website called An Uncluttered Life.

In the last few years, Warren and Betsy have identified what’s truly important to them. They then committed their lives to getting rid of all distractions, and saying “no” to anything that didn’t help them achieve what they want.

Their story is incredible, and the life they lead is so inspiring.

So obviously I invited them to do a webinar with me.

If you are the kind of person who feels stressed, or overwhelmed, or like you’re spending all your time doing things you don’t like with people who aren’t important to you, I want you to join us.

If you’re ready to commit to a year of “focus”… or even a month of focus, I want you to join us.

Just click here to reserve your spot:

Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, is perhaps the most well-known relationship book of all time. It has been on the NYT Best Seller list for the better part of a decade.

I remember reading it for the first time and thinking, “Holy crap! I can’t believe I didn’t know that love languages were a thing!”

I quickly became that person at dinner parties who would ask people, “So, what’s your love language?”

So many people experience love differently than I do… and I’d had no idea. In my naiveté I had assumed everyone felt things the same way I felt things.

That very love epiphany that Gary Chapman has created for millions of people all over the world is the same realization that saved his own marriage.

In this podcast we talk about how the Five Love Languages came to be, why they are so important, and what else – in addition to the love languages – people need to know to build healthy relationships that thrive and flourish.

I hope you love it.

Show Notes:

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Last week I was talking to a good friend of mine who told me she’s waiting to cross a bunch of stuff off her bucket list before she gets married.

“You give up a lot of freedom when you get married,” she said. “There’s still so much I want to do before I settle down.”

On the outside I said, “Oh… yeah, I get that.”

But on the inside I was SCREAMING!

“NO! You don’t get it! Just because most people give up their dreams when they get married doesn’t mean you have to! Marriage can mean EVEN MORE adventures and opportunities and awesomeness!”

Here’s the deal… most people just don’t know how amazing married life can be, because they’ve never been exposed to someone who has an amazing married life.

They’ve never seen what life looks like when a husband is the president of his wife’s fan club.

They’ve never seen how amazing a relationship can be when a wife makes her husband’s dreams her dreams, and invests in them and him because they have become the most important things in the world to her.

That kid of love exists!

It’s amazing… and you can have a taste of it next Thursday when I sit down with Michelle Peterson from the #STAYMARRIED Blog to talk about how amazing it can be to build and live your dreams together as a couple.

It’s going to be an inspiring and powerful conversation… and you can join us! Just sign up here:

My teacher and my parents forced encouraged me practice every day for 30 minutes.

There were days where I would do everything I could to avoid practice.

My mom once told me I couldn’t get up from the piano bench until I was done practicing.

I slept on the bench that night.

But one thing was for sure – when I practiced, I got better.

There were few things that caused more dread and anxiety in my little body than riding my little green Huffy 10-speed to my piano teacher’s house with the knowledge that I hadn’t practiced that week and that she was going to find out.

She always found out.

But then there were the weeks when I had practiced…

I’d show up to her house with my songs all polished and perfected. Her reaction was always one of satisfaction and pride.

It was often her expectation that I was going to show up prepared every week for our lesson that pushed me to practice, and helped me develop into a pretty great pianist after nearly a decade of lessons.

If You Want To Be Great…

If you want to be great at something – anything really – you only need three things:

1. Set a measurable goal.
2. Consistently measure the goal.
3. Have someone hold you accountable to the goal you’re measuring.

This is the magic of Pearson’s Law…

That which is measured improves. That which is measured and reported improves exponentially.
-Karl Pearson

Just like becoming an incredible musician or athlete, becoming a great lover requires you to set, track, and be held accountable to goals.

Step 1 – Set a Trackable Goal

Pick an area of your relationship in which you know you need improvement. It could be sex, finances, physical affection, compassionate listening, forgiveness, spending meaningful time together, communicating with vulnerability, or anything else you can think of.

Set some measurable goals around this area of your relationship. Here are some examples of good, measurable, actionable goals you can set:

• I will initiate sex “X” number of times per week over the next month.
• I will stop what I’m doing and greet my husband with excitement every time he walks through the door.
• I will mute off or turn off my phone and make eye contact with my wife whenever she’s talking to me.
• I will clearly ask for the things I want and need without making myself feel bad about it.
• I will plan a date night every week for the next month.

Step 2 – Track the Goal

Put that shizzle on your calendar!

Keep track!

How many times this week did I unload the dishwasher and take out the trash?

How many days this week did I intentionally flirt with my husband?

Did I express gratitude to my girlfriend every night before going to bed?

Did I open up and tell my boyfriend what I’m thinking and feeling, or am I still hiding my heart from him?

Sit down and analyze whether or not you’re taking action. And remember it’s ok if you’re not perfect! The goal is little bits of improvement day over day. Not a drastic jump from struggle to excellence.

Step 3 – Involve the People You Love!

Involve the people closest to you in your goals. Tell them what you’re up to and why. Explain to them the difference you’re trying to make.

Here are some examples of how you can have the conversation:

“I want to be a better listener, so I’m setting some goals over the next few weeks. Can you punch me in the arm every time you see me reach for my phone when I’m talking with someone?”

“I want to do better at telling you how much you mean to me. Every night before bed I’m going to start telling you 3 reasons I’m grateful for you. Can you help me remember by asking me the question, ‘What’s your favorite thing about me today?'”

“I want to experience more intimacy. I know how important sex is to you. It’s important to me too. I’m going to start initiating sex more often. What are some things I can do to help you get in the mood?”

Set aside some time every week to analyze how you’re doing with your goals.

If you don’t know what to work on, start asking your partner every day, “On a scale from 1-10, how good of a partner was I today?” If you weren’t a 10, find out which areas need improvement, and work on them tomorrow.

If you don’t want to be an average lover you must be committed to constant improvement. Set goals. Track them. Hold yourself accountable. Involve those you love in your growth.

Your relationship will grow exponentially.

Laura will be on more future episodes, cause she’s awesome and I like her.

The most important thing I’ve learned studying love over the past several years is that love is a skill… and just like any skill, you can master it with the right training and regular practice.

But most people don’t know where to go to get the training or what to practice… so they jus try to figure stuff out by themselves, and end up making the same mistakes over and over again. Their relationships are never as great as they could be. They just float around in a state of mediocrity.

You don’t want to be the kind of person who has mediocre love (or you wouldn’t be reading this)… so, I’ve put together a list of resources to help you develop the most amazing love skills on the planet! By no means is this list comprehensive. If you have resources you’d like to add, please leave them in the comments.

Mastering The Fundamentals

The first thing you need to tackle when learning a new skill is the fundamentals. Building a strong foundation based on the basics of what makes a relationship work, and love thrive, will make building the rest of your relationship SO much easier.

Anybody ever tell you that relationships take a lot of “work” and “sacrifice”? Well… these books do an incredible job at explaining what this mysterious “work” is and how awesomely fun it can be!

Please note that as a single man, some of the best books I’ve read have the word “marriage” in them. If you want to prepare for an awesome marriage… read books that people in awesome marriages read.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Every person on the planet who wants to have an amazing long-term relationship should read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The findings in this book are based on decades of scientific studies performed in John Gottman’s Love Lab, so you know the information is based on science and not just conjecture like so many other relationship books.

John Gottman has pinned down the leading causes of breakups, and can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy after watching a couple argue for only a few minutes.

This book is based on science, and decades of studies, but it doesn’t read like a text book. It’s super approachable. I could see myself in nearly ever chapter. I remember nodding my head and saying, “Ooooooooh! That’s why I do that…” or, “Oh crap, no wonder ‘x’ hasn’t been working for me!”

At the end of every chapter is a list of homework and exercises you can do to start strengthening those relationship muscles. You’ll learn what you do that contributes to the suffering and downfall of your relationships, and how to turn your weaknesses into strengths.

If this book doesn’t make you go “Oooooh, now I get it.” Or, “Oh crap, I’ve been doing this wrong for my whole life!” I don’t think there is a relationship book that will.

The New Rules of Marriage

The New Rules of Marriage is so great. Seriously though. So. Great.

The basis of the book is that most people try to create this amazing and idealistic 21st century love using 20th century skills. Kind of like trying to access the internet using a typewriter… it just doesn’t work.

So Terry Real outlines the new rules of modern day love that will help you create the type of relationship you want.

It’s chocked full of amazing rules that will help you re-think what you’re responsible for in your relationships. Suddenly you’ll start holding yourself accountable for the right things… which can honestly transform your relationship.

Here are some examples:

Rule: The golden rule of relationship empowerment is: “What can I give you to help you give me what I want?”

Rule: While it is important to tell your partner the difficult truths about your experience of him, it is no less important to share the pleasurable ones.

Rule: You have no right to complain about not getting what you never asked for.

Rule One of the greatest paradoxes of intimacy is that in order to have a healthy, passionate relationship, you must be willing to risk it.

Terrance Real is like that uncle that always wants to give you advice… except his advice is amazing, and often funny, and inspiring, and will help you be an amazing lover and partner. I refer back to this book almost weekly.

The Five Love Languages

I feel like I’d get crucified if I didn’t include this book on the list.

The Five Love Languages book is a lot like being vegan or doing CrossFit. People who have read this book can’t help but talk about it like it’s the end-all-be-all of relationship advice. I think we all have a friend who says things like, “Oh… sounds like her language is Words of Affirmation.” Or, “Oh, I’m a Physical Touch person.”

I love the book. It has a great message. It’s approachable and understandable. The author, Gary Chapman, is a great dude, and one of my favorite guests on the podcast.

The only problem I have with this book isn’t even about the book itself. It’s with the people who read it. This book is just a very very small sampling of what it takes to create dynamic, lasting, passionate, connected love. It doesn’t delve very deeply into the overall fundamentals of love.

If you’ll allow me to make a sports analogy: A couple practicing the Love Languages is a lot like a basketball player practicing layups. It’s an important element of the game… an element that, if not mastered, can really hurt your chances at winning. But there are also SO many other skills to develop, like passing, dribbling, perimeter shooting, free-throws, defense etc.

Read this book. It’s great! But please please please don’t let it be the only thing you think you need to read to be a great partner.

Also, just a heads up, this book is very Christian based. (Not a bad thing, but I thought I’d let you know in case it isn’t your cup of tea.)

Daring Greatly

Daring Greatly isn’t a book written specifically about romantic love… but it’s a great book for those of us who struggle letting down our guard, allowing ourselves to be truly seen, or feeling like we need to be perfect all the time in order to be worthy of love and acceptance from others.

I think I cried reading this book.

It helped me understand that the most courageous thing we can do is often to show other the things that scare us the most:

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.
– Brené Brown

If you want a tease about what the book is all about, I recommend checking out Brené Brown’s TED talks, The Power of Vulnerability, and Listening to Shame. The book is written in the same conversational tone with which she speaks.

Read it. It will make you a better, and more compassionate, empathetic, and kind person… and those are the qualities that create the mortar for the foundation of your love.

The Mastery of Love

This book is incredible. Don Miguel Ruiz is often recognized for his book, The Four Agreements… but I think The Mastery of Love is by far his best work.

This book is crammed full of inspiring parables, lessons, and messages that will transform the way you relate to yourself, and the way you understand love.

One of my favorite lessons from this book is where Ruiz compares the way we love our animals to the way we love each other. I’ll paraphrase the teaching:

You don’t get a cat and then get mad at it for not barking, or wagging its tail, or wanting to play fetch with you. That would be ridiculous. We love our cat for being a cat. We love our dog for being a dog. So, then… why do we insist on saying we “love” someone, while simultaneously trying to turn them into something they are not. This is not love. If you can’t accept someone for exactly who they are, you do not love them.

*brain-splosion*

This book is great for understanding the philosophy and concepts of love, and how you’ve probably had it all wrong your entire life.

Read it.

For Men

Women purchase 74% of the books in the relationship and family category. There’s a real imbalance of women willing to educate and prepare themselves for relationships compared to men.

Yet an emotionally intelligent man who is willing to learn, communicate, invest, and grow in his relationship is clutch when trying to create legendary love.

Here are two of my favorite books that have helped make me a better man:

No More Mr. Nice Guy

There’s a huge difference between a “Good Guy” and a “Nice Guy.”

Nice guys tell people what they want to hear. Good guys tell people what they need to hear.

Nice guys seek approval. Good guys seek the truth.

Nice guys make friends. Good guys make a difference.

Nice guys care about their reputation and what others think of them. They’ll often lie or manipulate the truth to save face.

Good guys care about integrity, honoring their word, and being held accountable to the things they say they will do… even if it sometimes hurts others.

For the majority of my life I was a Nice Guy… and I didn’t even know it. And my Niceness was a giant wall standing between me and connecting with the women I tried to date.

Reading No More Mr. Nice Guy completely leveled my ego, and exposed me to how ugly and destructive the nice guy mentality is.

If you are the kind of guy who is constantly asking, “Why do women only date jerks?” Or maybe you feel like nothing ever goes your way, or that the odds are always stacked against you, or that you never get what you deserve… then this book is for you.

It will get you out of the most ugly negative cycle a guy can get stuck in.

The Way of the Superior Man

The Way of the Superior Man is a book that is not for everybody… especially if you haven’t spent much time or done much work in the personal development space.

It’s a little “woo woo,” but when read with the right context, it’s an incredibly powerful and insightful guide to mastering your spirituality and sexuality as a man.

As one Amazon reviewer says, “There is a desirable middle ground between being a timid wuss of a man-boy, and being a knuckle-dragging, chauvinistic thug; the whole book attempts to be a manual on how to become that middle ground.”

It is a lot more graphic than No More Mr. Nice Guy (which is why I recommended that book before this one), but for the man who is prepared to read TWofSM, it can be a transformative, inspiring, and even life-changing read.

If you want to become more familiar with what it could look like to really step into your identity as a man. Or if you want to explore the idea of what a “manliness” is in the 21st century, this is a book you’ll want to check out.

For Women

If I’m honest, publishing this section makes me really nervous.

I’m not a woman, and I don’t want to appear to speak on behalf of women. Ladies, you can take my advice here with a grain of salt. Based off of my experience, these are some of the resources that I’ve consumed that made me go, “Oh yeah, that makes sense.” or information that made me feel more understood as a man.

If you’ve read something that you’d like to recommend, I’d love for you to leave it in the comments. This list will probably grow and change with time.

The Surrendered Wife

Before you jump to conclusions about The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle, let me just provide some context.

First of all, Laura is great at creating sensationalized and controversial book titles that lead to passionate conversations.

Second of all, this is not a chauvinistic book about how women need to be submissive and docile for their husbands.

The underlying message of this book is that women are the gatekeepers to intimacy in a relationship. If there is a lack of emotional, physical, or spiritual intimacy in the relationship, there are a lot of things a woman can be responsible for (not to imply there isn’t a lot a man can be responsible for as well).

One of the most powerful things a woman can do to transform her relationship is to surrender unnecessary control over her husband and the relationship, and take ownership for the things she is responsible for.

It might ruffle some feathers, but that’s not always a bad thing.

Sex, Passion, and Infidelity

For many of us, sex is easily one of the more difficult topics to talk about… but it’s also one of the leading causes of relationship discontent.

Sex, sexuality, desire and passion can be really complex things to navigate in a relationship. Aside from the shame surrounding sex that exists for many people, I think one of the reasons sex is often difficult to navigate is that we often don’t completely understand the biology, or sociology, or psychology behind sexual attraction, performance, and desire.

The following books and resources will give you a window inside yourself, your partner, and your relationship with all things sex. Remember! The more you know, the easier it is to identify where you are so you can figure out where you want to be.

Mating in Captivity

Esther Perel is one of my personal heroes. She has spent the better part of her career studying why people cheat, and how to maintain desire in a long-term relationship.

If you haven’t seen her TED talks, The Secret To Desire in a Long-Term Relationship, or Rethinking Infidelity, a Talk For Everyone Who Has Ever Loved, you absolutely must.  They are wonderfully compelling, insightful, and informative.

One of my favorite points in Esther Perel’s message is that you cannot desire that which you possess. Kind of like when I really wanted to own a Nintendo as a kid. The anticipation and longing for it was almost off the charts… then a few weeks after getting it for Christmas it kind of became a part of regular life. The excitement dissipated over time.

Similarly, if we approach our relationship with the idea that we somehow own, or possess our partner, the novelty of desire, and the tension of wanting can wane and even completely disappear. In her book, Perel explains how to change your mindset away from the idea of “ownership” and more towards “choice.”

It’s scary to think that your partner could choose leave you at any time… but in a sense, that fear of loss also creates a consistent desire to satisfy, impress, or win the approval of the one you love.

She explains it much better, I promise. So please check it out!

Not “Just Friends”

I have learned more surprising things from Not “Just Friends” than any other relationship book I’ve read in a long time. The book is all about infidelity… how to prevent it, and how to deal with the emotional outfall, and rebuilt trust and recover your sanity if it does happen.

Here is just a teaser of some of the stuff that blew my mind in just the introduction of the book:

At least one or both parties in 50 percent of all couples, married and living together, straight and gay, will break their vows of sexual or emotional exclusivity during the lifetime of their relationship.

What?! For real?

I mean… if that statistic is true, and you’ve never been taught how to create appropriate boundaries, or cope emotionally when there’s unfaithfulness in your relationship… well… no wonder the divorce rate is so high.

Oh, and here’s another huge one that blew my mind:

Most people mistakenly think it is possible to prevent affairs by being loving and dedicated to one’s partner…. simply being a loving partner does not ensure your marriage against affairs. You also have to exercise awareness of the appropriate boundaries at work and in your friendships.

Everyone should read this book. It will help you realize just how harmful infidelity can be, create a plan so that it never happens to you, feel less crazy if you’ve been cheated on, and even recover if you’re in the midst of it.

It’s been a really healing book for me to read.

She Comes First

I haven’t actually read this book, but it’s next on my list. I’ll update this review after I read it.

The reason this book is important is because the process that leads to arousal and eventually orgasm for men and for women are completely different. Like… so so different.

“How to Pleasure a Woman” is not typically a conversation that is found in the Standard Parenting Manual. For most of us, sex is a lot like learning to swim the hard way. We just get thrown in the deep end of the pool under the assumption that we’ll figure it out. But when all you have to draw from is your own experience with your own body, and your body is nothing like that of your partner, well… a little help is warranted.

(Consider this: Studies show the average woman takes about 20 minutes to reach her first orgasm during a typical sex session, while men take a mere four minutes.)

That’s where She Comes First comes in. It’s the guide to pleasuring a woman that you never wanted to get from your parents… and it dispels a lot of myths and can help you really step up your sexual game. Your lady will thank you.

Sex at Dawn

Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships challenges much of the conventional wisdom about sex. By studying the origins of sex in human history, the authors call into question many of the commonly held beliefs surrounding sex, monogamy, marriage, and family.

Even though you may not agree that the way sex, and marriage, and monogamy were viewed in the past, this book will at least give you some insights into your biology, your history, and it might give you some context for any desires you might have that exist outside your current set of values or beliefs.

This is more of an educational and informative book exploring the history of sexuality and how that history affects the present day.

It’s super fascinating, and an interesting read, but might be outside the comfort zone of the more conservative reader… but I think everyone should give it a chance.

Codependent No More

Codependent No More is a book about boundaries.

I love the topic of boundaries, because it’s something most of us know very little about.

Boundaries are essentially what keep us safe in our relationships, and allow us to thrive and have tons of fun. Without boundaries we often put ourselves in position to get hurt, taken advantage of, or we feel awkward because we don’t know how to behave in a given set of circumstances.

Melody Beattie wrote this book specifically about setting boundaries to prevent abuse within a relationship where addiction is present… but the principles apply regardless of whether you have an alcoholic spouse, or if you just see yourself as someone who has a hard time saying, “no.” Or if you’re the type of person who always puts the needs of others before your own physically, spiritually, emotionally, or in any other aspect of life you can think of.

Do yourself a favor and check out this book. You’ll keep yourself safe, keep other safe, have a lot more energy and resources to dedicate to creating epic love.

Podcasts

The Loveumentary

Obviously I have a bit of a bias here, but if you haven’t listened to The Loveumentary podcast yet, it’s really one of my favorite things. I’m really proud of it.

I’ve traveled all over the country and interviewed couples from all walks of life who are madly in love with each other. I’ve talked to love experts, therapists, authors, and scientists.

These conversations have changed my life. I hope you love them too.

I’d recommend you start out by listening to Ty and Terri’s story. Here’s part 1 and part 2.

I’d love it if you’d subscribe! You can listen on iTunes (I’d love it if you’d leave a review), or Soundcloud, or the website.

#StayMarried

Friends of The Loveumentary, Michelle and Tony, share hope, stories, and resources for couples who want to stay married. Most of the episodes are based on The Gottman Institute’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work… the number one book on my list.

These episodes are short and bite-sized, fun, and informative. A great podcast to check out if you only have a few minutes… not to mention their website is chocked full of amazing content… and I’m supremely jealous of the design.

Click here to stream their awesome episodes from the #StayMarried website, and click here to subscribe on iTunes.

One Extraordinary Marriage

I haven’t listened to a TON of these episodes, but the one’s I’ve listened to I enjoy. Some of that enjoyment may stem from the fact that I just love sitting down with couples who are willing to be honest and vulnerable about what’s going on in their lives, how they handle the struggles, and how they celebrate the wins.

Tony and Alisa have been married for 17 years, and in that time have dealt with Tony’s 18-year addiction to porn, the loss of a child at 18 weeks, debt in excess of $50k, poor communication, lack of mutual interests, and questioning trust… and on the podcast they talk about how they’ve handled all of this together as a couple. It’s pretty cool.

Click here to visit their website, or here to subscribe on iTunes.

The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm is a podcast directed towards men. They all sorts of subjects including dating, career success, developing social confidence, and a bunch of other awesome stuff.

One of my favorite podcast episodes in the history of ever is from this podcast. It’s a conversation with the incredible Esther Perel. The conversation talks a lot about how we’ve put such a significant emphasis on the progress and growth of women in the last 5 decades, and we’ve kind of neglected the growth and evolution of men… particularly in the department of emotions.

It’s super insightful and helped me understand a lot of the issues we face in modern day relationships, as well as how we can help men find more purpose as a man in this crazy world.

Just Say “NO!” to Mediocre Love!

If you’ve been following The Loveumentary for any amount of time, you know that I’m fascinated with extraordinary relationships.

I love the amazing outliers of love. The couples who are doing what the rest of the world seem unable to grasp.

I love them because not only does their existence prove that mind-blowing love is possible, but I believe if we surround ourselves with these couples, study them, and learn from them, extraordinary love can be accessible to every one of us!

I’m inspired by the idea of living in a society that stops reading all of the trendy self-help books and articles that talk about cherishing relationships and experiences over things, and instead starts living it.

I am stoked for the day when the quality of your love is no longer measured by how long a couple has been together, but the connection, passion, and joy a couple creates together, and the impact they have on their community.

I hope you enjoy watching this TEDx talk. A lot of love, effort, and thought went into it.

If you enjoy it, please share it.

Just in case you forgot what love is about… just in case you forgot what you’re fighting for… just in case you need a little inspiration.

How many times do you think he’s sung this song to her?

How does must it feel to have your love be so engrained in your life that it’s the only thing that feels familiar as your body and your mind degrade and fall to pieces?

This is what it’s all about…

The conversation we shared left a lasting impression on me, and I knew in that moment that I wanted to introduce her to all of you…

So, on Thursday, September 24 at 1:00 pm ET (10:00 am PT) you’re going to get a chance to see us talk!

Laura coined the term “Emotional Obesity” to refer to the excess emotional weight that we carry around with us. That weight often keeps us from living the life we truly want to live.

We can lose our emotional weight and become emotionally healthy with some healthy emotional exercises and a change to our emotional diet. (See any parallels here?)

We invest SO much time, energy, and resources into our physical wellbeing and often put our emotional wellbeing on the back-burner… but our emotional wellbeing is what has the greatest impact on our relationships and often our quality of life.

Click here to sign up for the webinar:

Space is limited, so do it now while you have the chance!

As I write this there are tears streaming down my face.

My heart hurts.

I want to throw up.

Life can be so cruel to rob us of those we love so suddenly when we are not ready to see them go.

I need you and those you love to know that your love, and your story are a pillar of The Loveumentary community. Thousands of people have listened to the recordings we created in your dining room as you opened up and shared your love for each other, the struggles you’ve faced and overcome, and your hope for all of us.

Those few hours Melissa and I got to spend with you changed the both of us. It rocked our worlds. It opened our eyes. It was made the nearly 3 months of endless travel and exhaustion and planning so so worth it.

Learning that people like you exist gave me a higher purpose. It raised the bar I held for myself.

The love you have for each other changed people in the most incredible and profound way.

Thank you for being an example of hope, of possibility, of compassion, of kindness, of understanding, of humor, and especially of love.

I texted you a month ago to tell you how much I love you. I ended that text with the sentence, “The world needs more people like you in it.”

What a shame that we have been robbed when we so desperately need you here.

Please know that there are thousands of us that feel indebted to you and are committed to attempting to fill your incredibly big shoes, and advance the message of hope and love that you so valiantly and unashamedly stood for and continue to stand for.

The world still needs more people like you in it.

To Ty and Terri’s family and friends, The Loveumentary community loves you and mourns with you. Please know that your parents and friends were so so loved, and left an immeasurable impact on so many lives including my own.

With love… and hope,

-Nate

If you want to listen to Ty and Terri’s amazing interview, you can do so here:

Part 1:

Part 2:

But here’s the deal, I’m not running away from marriage. I’ve actually spent the last 3 years researching, studying and preparing for it!

I’ve talked to hundreds of happily married couples about what goes into creating amazing, lasting, passionate, connected love. I’ve interviewed best-selling authors, therapists and coaches on the topic of love.

It’s been an amazing journey.

The reason I’ve done all this work and research is to better prepare myself for the love I one day hope to have.

One of my favorite things about doing this work is that it sparks countless conversations with other single millennials. We’re constantly talking about what they want out of relationships, and what they’re doing to create the love of their dreams.

We talk about how and where we might meet our future spouse. We talk about the superficiality of Tinder as we swipe left to anyone who doesn’t meet our ideal physical qualifications. We talk about our worries and concerns when it comes to love, and what we’re doing or not doing to prepare for it.

The fear and reservation surrounding marriage is very real and very present. I know it’s there, because I often experience it myself.

I believe fear is the primary factor that keeps us from getting married. Meanwhile, our the news hassle us, parents beg us for grandbabies, and peers urge us to just get out there and meet someone as if finding 21st century love was as easy as going to the grocery store to pick up a bottle of coconut water.

Their loving encouragement does nothing to assuage our very valid fears. Sometimes it makes it even worse, if I’m going to be honest.

Where do these fears come from? I believe most of them can be traced back to one source…

Lack of preparation.

We Are Unprepared To Have Realistic Expectations

We are the first generation to be raised on a steady diet of Disney Princesses and Reality TV. We’ve been spoon-fed a lifetime of extreme and incredibly unrealistic examples of what love is supposed to look like.

In one camp you have these glamorized fantasy stories of Prince Charming riding in at the last minute to slay the dragon, destroy the evil witch, or deliver the kiss-of-life to the damsel in distress.

In the other camp, you have the Kim Kardashians, Tiger Woods, Chris Browns, and Charlie Sheens of the world. Anytime you turn on the TV, or even check out at the grocery store, you’re bombarded with stories of infidelity, divorce, abuse, and disintegrating relationships as if it were just part of regular, everyday life.

Now, allow me to make some overbroad generalizations (that may ruffle some feathers) to make a point…

It’s no wonder we have a generation of powerful, independent women who secretly fantasize about a man swooping in to rescue them while simultaneously declaring they do not need a man!

They’ve been taught the only person they can rely on is themselves. Yet they’ve also been shown for decades that men are the answer… but they are also the problem.

On the flip side, we have a generation of men who feel the expectation of being perfect Prince Charming. They carry the shame of their hidden flaws with them. They want to be the one to swoop in and save the damsel, but she insists that she has everything under control and she can take care of herself.

When saving the damsel becomes unrealistic, men turn to other alternatives to create the princely satisfaction of conquering an evil foe, or saving a princess. They become champions of sports, video games, gambling and porn. Then they get labeled as losers and glorified adolescents who need to “man up.”

The majority of singles still say they want to be married. I believe the first step to creating the epic marriages we so desperately want is to let go of the hyper sensationalized expectations we’ve created around love – both negative and positive.

Your love will rarely be as good as a Disney movie or as horrible as a celebrity scandal.

Most of the time it’s somewhere in between.

We Aren’t Prepared To Have Hard Conversations

Relationships are always a ton of fun at the beginning when you’re brain is flooded with pleasure chemicals, and you haven’t experienced any of your partner’s flaws.

But at some point, that state of limerence will fade, and you’ll end up having to deal with some sort of conflict or disagreement.

You’ll have a bad day, or say something that hurts your partner. Their ex will come back into their life, or their parents will express concerns about you.

You’ll have an argument.

Then the questions start percolating.

“Is this really as good as it gets?”

“Am I with the right person?”

“Why are we fighting? We wouldn’t be fighting if this was right…”

Most of us have never been prepared to expect – let alone deal with the normal conflict that surfaces in even the best relationships.

We’ve either seen our parents fight growing up, and thought, “My marriage will never be like that.” Or we’ve never seen our parents fight which has created a false expectation that love and conflict cannot coexist.

Either way, conflict can be a really scary thing that gives us doubts and worries about the future of our love life.

It was very reassuring when I read the study done by the Gottman Institute that states that 69% of conflict in a romantic relationship is unresolvable.

I realized that conflict is normal.

And not only is conflict normal, but dealing with it can be a really positive experience when we use the right tools and principles.

If you want to learn some incredible skills to help you deal with conflict in your relationships, read the book The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.

We Haven’t Been Prepared To Make Big Choices

Dating is much different now than it was 20 years ago.

Before the late 90’s, singles weren’t crippled with The Paradox of Choice — the theory that an abundance of choice leaves us feeling paralyzed and dissatisfied rather than free and happy.

Social Media and Online Dating have exposed us to thousands of potential mates at the flick of a finger.

That kind of choice create a perfect storm of “what if” scenarios that make choosing just one person nearly impossible.

The moment you find someone who fits your expectations, the question begins to tickle in the back of your brain… what if I find someone who is a little more attractive, wealthy, funny, tall, short, kind, interesting, ambitious, athletic, etc.?

As Barry Schwartz, author of the book The Paradox of Choice says, “Learning to choose is hard. Learning to choose well is harder. And learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is harder still, perhaps too hard.”

I’m constantly asked the question, “How do I know he (or she) is the ‘right’ one?”

The best answer to that question is, “What make someone ‘right‘?”

I would argue, that someone is “right” for you not when they are the most attractive, wealthy, funny, intelligent, or compatible person you’ve been with.

What makes someone “right” is simply the fact that you choose them.

The cold hard truth is that there will always be someone out there who is a little better for you than your partner in one way or another. You will be attracted to other people, even after you get married.

What separates all of the other options from the “right” one is that the “right” one is the one you choose day after day, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, in good times and bad until the day you die.

It’s as simple and difficult as that.

Schwartz argues that making the choice and sticking to it can actually be psychologically easier if we are just willing take the leap:

“Keeping [our] options open seems to extract a psychological price. When we can change our minds, apparently we do less psychological work to justify the decision we’ve made, reinforcing the chosen alternative and disparaging the rejected ones.”

If you are struggling with the paradox of choice — if you’re going on lots of first dates and very few 2nd dates, or spending a lot of time on Tinder, OKCupid, or other dating sites — a great resource for you would be Barry Schwartz’s book, The Paradox of Choice or his accompanying TED talk.

We Haven’t Prepared Ourselves By Dealing With Our Baggage

Regardless of who you are or how you’ve been raised, you come into a relationship with a set of expectations, experiences, fears, habits, mannerisms, attitudes, personal narratives, desires, and even a vocabulary that is very different than that of your partner.

These differences are what constitute your baggage, and just like the airport, it’s your job to be responsible for your baggage!

If you have daddy issues, commitment issues, fears of abandonment, difficulty trusting, low self-worth, a short temper, an addictive personality, mental or emotional health issues, irresponsible spending habits, issues with constant complaining or negativity, a superiority complex, or any other issue that might being in a relationship more difficult, it’s your responsibility to begin working on those things now.

Do not wait till you’re in a committed relationship to start addressing your baggage.

Making your partner responsible for your baggage is not love. It is selfishness.

I’m not saying that having baggage disqualifies you from having love. That’s just not true. We all have baggage that we need to deal with.

I am saying that your baggage is your responsibility.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been raised by people who constantly told you, “You’re special and wonderful! You can be, do, and have anything you want!”

While well-meaning, this belief can also create an attitude of entitlement, and promote a lack of personal responsibility.

If you want help identifying, or learning how to deal with your baggage a great resource is the book, The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real. This book will change you. I promise.

We Are Unprepared Because of Lack of Mentors and Community

I strongly believe that you learn to love the same way you learn to speak — through the examples, culture and role models you have access to.

Millennials were raised by the Baby Boomer generation… the generation with the highest divorce rate of all time. Combine that with the unrealistic Disney movie expectations and the hot mess that is Hollywood romance that we talked about earlier, and it’s no wonder we have no clue what we’re doing.

At bachelor parties, married guys give advice to the single guys to have fun while you can, because once you’re married, the fun ends, the sex stops, the flannel PJs come out, and Netflix marathons become the norm.

My girlfriends go to bachelorette parties and bridal showers where married women complain about their emotionally insensitive husbands who would rather look at porn or spend an extra 4 hours at the office every day than come home to spend meaningful time with their wives.

This kind of talk and behavior is gross.

It enrages me.

Because I know there is another way.

Beautiful, inspiring, fulfilling, connected, passionate marriages exist!

There are emotionally intelligent husbands who can’t wait to get home to their loving wives!

There are kind, appreciative wives who love and admire and dote on their husbands!

There are people who have been married for decades who still can’t keep their hands off each other!

There are couples who never run out of things to say or experience together!

I’ve seen them!

My generation will not lose their fear of marriage until these amazing couples start advocating for marriage more loudly than the marriage defectors argue against it.

We need those who have extraordinary marriages to stand up and let their voices be heard!

I often fantasize of being part of a community where marriage and commitment are celebrated and enjoyed as the norm.

I yearn for a day when married men pull single men aside just to tell them how amazing their wives are, and how much they love being married.

I would cry tears of joy if it became the standard practice for married women to gush to their girlfriends with genuine appreciation for their dedicated and loyal husbands.

If you want your kids to get married, create a marriage worth celebrating, and celebrate it!

If you want some incredible stories of people who are doing this very thing — the people who have created incredible, lasting love — check out The Loveumentary Podcast.

If you are prepared, you will not fear.

At the beginning of this article, I said that the current generation avoids marriage because of fear.

The greatest tool for defeating fear is preparation.

Real love exists. It’s possible. It’s even realistic… but you’ll never have it if you don’t prepare yourself and develop develop the skills required to create it.

Amazing love is not just a random anomaly. It goes to those who are relentlessly committed to the effort and practice required to create it.

If you’re prepared, you will not fear.

It was such an amazing weekend. I got to meet some incredible people… one of whom – her name is Megan – wrote this song. The first time I listened to it, it gave me the chills and brought tears to my eyes.

I asked her if I could share it with you. She graciously agreed.

Please enjoy the most hopeful love song I’ve heard in probably ever:

THE MIRACLE OF US – LYRICS

Once upon another time
Boy believed
That God is kind
With his dreams

Dark powers aligned
And left those worlds behind
Put them aside
Those guardians of light

But dreams wouldn’t die
Dreaming doesn’t die

They tell him that he’ll survive
There’s magic inside
Tell him that God is kind
And needs him to try

To give up his fear now
And learn how to trust
And hope for the miracle of us

All of that time
Girl was strong and wild and
Free and unafraid
To simply just believe

That someday she’d find
The boy with dreams so wide

But heartaches collide
And storms arise
Seems that life’s unkind
When joy is a surprise

But wild hopes don’t die
Wild hopes don’t die

They tell her that she’ll survive
Tell her she’ll heal in time
Tell her that he’s alive
And needs her to thrive

And don’t give up hope now
And learn how to trust
Believe in the miracle of us

Sometimes things go wrong
And hearts can hurt for way too long
Others come along
To remind us that there is a bright

Dawn and now it’s breaking
And light is all around
Even though we’re aching
There’s truth that we’ve found

We’ve more than just survived
This dark and glorious night
On this day that we combine
The rest of our lives

And when we see the dark again
We’ll tell them it’s just
A chance to show the miracle that’s us

Ashes to ashes
And dust to dust
Remember the miracle of us

Kintsukuroi is the art of repairing broken pottery with a lacquer resin. Its earliest origins can be traced back to 15th century China when an officer in the military sent back a tea bowl for repairs. It was returned to him, patched up and completely usable. The Japanese quickly caught hold of the idea, and improved on it by adding the powdered gold to the lacquer.

These mended pots were so beautiful that people began intentionally breaking valuable ceramics just so they could be mended.

Not only did the golden veins in the repaired pottery add beauty, the broken pots were more valuable than they were when they were in their original, unblemished state.

Your Cracks Are The Source Of Your Beauty

You see where this is going…

You are not unlike these pots.

You gain value as you weather the hardships of life. Every time you chip, break, and shatter, then go through the process of healing and overcoming, is proof of your value.

It is through your trials, your imperfections, and your flaws that you gain your most valuable virtues.

These “imperfections” are the evidence of your courage, tenacity, patience, love, and strength. They are proof of the lessons you’ve learned and the growth you’ve experienced. With each struggle, crack, and repair, you add to your beauty.

So often we see these “cracks” as a reason for us to be unlovable, unwanted, or unworthy. And yet, their existence make us into the exact polar opposite.

Your cracks are what make you so different from every human on the planet. Learn to love your cracks. They are the very source of your soul’s beauty.

If you liked this post, I’d love it if you’d share it.

Show Notes

• Circling and Authentic Relating are awesome.
• Allowing someone to be seen is almost as powerful as being seen yourself.
• What happens when you give open feedback – when Jeffrey was told he was checking out other women while with a friend who is a girl.
• Connection happens in the present moment. (13m)
• Just because something gets you the same results doesn’t mean it the journey doesn’t have a negative impact. (15m)
• Set intentions before you do something to improve the outcome. (18m)
• It’s important to know what you want. (18m)
• Get out of your head and into your balls and heart. (19m)
• Projecting yourself into the future is the opposite of being present. (21m)
• You’ll never run out of things to say because there’s always something to observer. (23m)
• Learning to create a shared experience for life with others is pivotal to a deeply connected relationship. (25m)
• Melissa’s 3 Part System to Conflict Management – (27m)
• Own your stuff. Is your point arguable? (29m)
• You have choice in how you express yourself. (32m)
• Self care practices. (41m)
• How do you recharge your batteries? (44m)
• Strategies for people who don’t know what it feels like to feel really good. ie: Why is it better to give up football? (48m)
• David Deida’s The Way of the Superior Man
• Robert Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy
• The learning curve of changing and up-leveling your life. (54m)
• Why men watch porn. (57m)
• Abrahamics
• The value of meditation and yoga. (1h 4m)
• Be the source of what you want. (1h 10m)
• 5 Love Languages (1h 12m)
• What’s the formula that brings out your best self? (1h 13m)
• How to interact with people you don’t naturally get along with. (1h 18m)
• How can you use the things that trigger you to learn about yourself? (1h 19m)
• There is nothing wrong with you. (1h 24m)

So, naturally, last week The Loveumentary hosted Vienna Pharaon LMFT for a webinar on how to move forward after a breakup.

Endings can be horribly painful. They require us to let go of a significant part of our identity – being a partner. We have to give up the future we have been creating in our heads for years, or even decades, with the one we love. And we have to give up the person we love… our friend, our confidant, our lover, our partner.

The pain can go very deep. But the saying “Time heals all wounds.” may be incorrect. It’s not necessarily time that heals wounds, but time well spent.

Here are 5 tips from Vienna to help you get past a breakup.

If you want to see the full 1-hour webinar, just click the button below and I’ll send you the recording!

1. Let yourself feel.

Cry. Hurt. Cry some more…you’re not human if you don’t.

It hurts because it mattered. Remember that, and be gentle with yourself

Pain can be good! It doesn’t feel good, but it is healing.

Use your pain to learn about what you’re experiencing. What information does the pain tell you? 

2. Talk about it.

Share your story with friends, family… or your therapist. Talk it through over and over again.

Recognize how you feel today. Maybe it’s the same as yesterday… maybe it’s a little different. Regardless, keep talking about it and sharing how you feel. Processing it is necessary.

Sometimes we have to say the same things 13 times to really feel heard and understood.

3. Stay busy…not avoidant.

Don’t just do things to fill your time. Do the things you love to do because YOU LOVE TO DO THEM.

Developing important parts of your identity during this time is crucial. A big part of your identity just got wiped (being a partner) so it’s critical that your other roles are intact.

You may not be a partner anymore, but you are still the rest of yourself. Do not let those parts go

4. Exercise. Every. Day.

When you work out you’re not just doing a great thing for your body, you’re also cleaning your mind.

When a relationship ends, we’re generally pretty emotionally flooded…that means the emotions can take over, often times leaving us feeling like we’re drowning. When we work out, we release endorphins, serotonin, dopamine! These chemicals boost our mood and decrease the pain we feel – both physical and emotional.

Exercise helps us think about what’s happened from a clearer space.

5. Surround yourself with people who love you.

You may not be feeling particularly lovable after an emotional breakup. The personal narrative of “Am I Lovable” gets questioned… so being around people who remind you that you are loved and cared about is necessary.

As you begin to do these things, you begin to learn how to exist without your person. You’re relearning how to live your days.

Slowly you will arrive.

Want to dive deeper into these 5 topics? Click here to get access to the full webinar:

Have you ever had somebody explain something to you and suddenly something that you’ve experienced your entire life just makes sense?

Yesterday I was watching this awesome TEDx Talk by Mel Robbins and it felt like Mel got all up inside my brain. (How did you do that, Mel? For reals.)

What really hit home with me is called the 5 Second Rule.

The idea is that sometimes we get these ideas, impulses, urges, or promptings to do something outside our comfort zone – It can be anything from jumping off a waterfall, to being the first person out on the dance floor, to giving someone a sincere compliment.

When you don’t act on these impulses within 5 seconds of receiving them, the likelihood of you doing something about them goes straight to the crapper.

We talk ourselves out of it.

We get lost inside our own heads.

We convince ourselves it’s too risky, juvenile, weird, vulnerable, or scary.

We miss the opportunity.

Yeah? So what? What does this have to do with love?

Woah, take it easy. I’m going to tell you…

Amazing love and successful relationships require vulnerability. Vulnerability means letting down your guard, or allowing potential harm to befall you.

Those impulses we get to do something wild and crazy – like complimenting someone you find attractive, or asking someone on a date, or moving in for the first kiss, or initiate sex, or proposing, or buying someone a gift, or asking them to dance – are the things that make love thrive!

If you stop acting on those seemingly crazy ideas, you lose passion, connection and playfulness in your relationship.

You defeat yourself with inaction.

All choices have consequences. Choosing to do nothing is a choice. A choice often followed by painful consequences.

Stop thinking. Start doing.

Pick up the phone. Ask for what you want. Offer the compliment. Ask her out. Pull him in tight and kiss him.

Please. Your life depends on it.

(Click below to see the video that inspired this post:)

There are a lot of things to love about Wes and Tera. So many things. But the thing that still makes me well up is hearing Tera express how much she loves and adores her husband.

(“I marred WES WAGES!”)

You can see the excitement at the beginning of this video… which made me cry. I’m not even a little ashamed to admit it. (You should absolutely watch it.)

Our Greatest Adventure from Armosa Studios on Vimeo.

Creating Trust

Wes and Tera are so protective of their love. They care for it. They esteem it as something sacred.

They create rules in their marriage that facilitate trust and connectedness. Upon hearing this episode, some people might think that the rules they’ve set are overly-strict. But what many people don’t realize is that it’s the boundaries and rules that you agree on as a couple that make a relationship workable and safe.

I love how intentionally Tera and Wes have crafted their relationship to protect themselves and each other from threats. They have an understanding that if you can honor the small promises, you never have to worry about the big promises being broken.

If you take anything away from this, let it be that when you create and honor your promises, your relationship works.

Source: Zen Pencils

Well, they don’t have it all figured out. They still have struggles and challenges just like any other couple… but what they do have figured out is the rules by which they want to play the game of marriage.

They were the perfect capstone interview for Melissa and my time together on the road because they encapsulated and touched on so many of the important lessons that we learned from other people on our journey. This interview is like the summary of the very best takeaways of so many of The Loveumentary’s interviews.

One of my favorite quotes comes from about 26 minutes in when Maggie says:

I write about this on my blog all the time. It’s about redefining your marriage so that it works for you, and not for what anybody else thinks is the right thing. So we came to this conclusion that we’re going to make something that works for us. It’s not going to look like anything anybody else does.

They learned very quickly that what works for others won’t always work for them… and they get to set the rules of how they play and create their life together.

Please listen to this episode. We talk about everything from comics and video games to faith and losing family members. It’s fun and thoughtful and will open you up to all sorts of possibilities!

Mostly I sit where you sit — reading, listening and being inspired by Nate’s genius and moved by the stories of people who love courageously and live compassionately.

Without taking any or much credit for it, I’ve helped Nate out over the years too. I’ve stuffed boxes for Unbox Love, worked through plans for Love School, edited blog posts and emails, pushed the Kickstarter campaign out to a few more people, advised Nate on tricky business decisions, and introduced him to mentors who have helped shape what the Loveumentary is today.

We’ve become great friends.

So to come ‘round to the other side of Nate’s business where you can see me and read what I think … well, it’s daunting to give you content.

I so respect the Loveumentary community and the commitment Nate has to deliver quality content that makes you a better lover and lifts the quality of relationships everywhere. I feel underqualified to serve that mission, and I have no idea if what I have to say will make you a better lover. But it’s a solid insight. It’s given me a way to combine all the hours of podcasts and all the pages of emails now in my head because of Nate.

Enjoy.

Your Life Can Be Boring or Dramatic

Doesn’t it seem that way? Like, you’re either dramatic and exciting and alive, or you’re boring and lame and lifeless?

Here’s the thing: everyone loves a compelling story.

If you need evidence, just look at a movie theater.

Is anyone selling a boring story?

No.

(Well. Some stories are boring. But they don’t sell many tickets to those shows…)

So if you can’t make a good movie from a boring story, you gotta make one from dramatic one, right?

If you’re someone who’s holding out for living anything more than a life of pure banality and lameness, you probably said yes.

This is why you have so much drama in your life. Which you hate. But you also love.

If you think being boring is the worst thing in the world, then the way to not live a boring life is to live a dramatic one.

A lame life is the worst. Better to live with excitement even if it’s nuts.

Being forgotten is awful. Better to be remembered even if it means being a bitch.

Going unnoticed is unfathomable. Better get attention, even if it takes causing a scene.

Feeling nothing is death. I’d rather feel something than nothing, even if it’s horrible.

What we love about drama is that it makes us feel something.

And because we want to feel something, we look up… or stir up… drama.

It’s not hard.

We witness drama all the time, take your pick: Cheating. Lying. Deceiving. Complaining. Bullying. Aggression. Judgment. Mockery. Exclusion. Sadness. Depression. Angst. Upset. Pleasure. Gluttony. Greed. Seduction.

Look it up, any of the above: In movies. In magazines. On daytime TV. On Netflix TV. In gossip. On Twitter, Facebook and YouTube.

As it turns out, it’s not hard to invent drama.

Which is why I think so many of our stories are dramatic.

And that’s a problem.

Our culture tells so many dramatic stories, we think they are the only kind that make us feel.

Have you heard Nate say why he started The Loveumentary?

He started it and you’re reading this post because he got tired of the same two dramatic stories being told over and over:

1. Unrealistic Fairy Tales. These are the glossed over, positively dramatic stories of cloud 9 romance, 20 karat rings, Prince Charmings, glittering vampires, sleeping beauties, and happily ever afters.
2. Disaster & Destruction: These are the TMI, abhorrently dramatic stories of spouses unfaithful, scandalous, forever-nagging and deserving of tabloid spreads, abuse, selfishness, and sadness.

And then there’s the story no one talks about … the story of boring.

“The fairy tale doesn’t last, and I don’t want disaster and destruction… so I guess I’d better be happy just being boring…”

But there’s a third option. There’s more than just boring or dramatic.

There’s another story that makes us feel: The story of TRIUMPH!

Triumph is exciting. And it makes for a great story.

It’s challenging. It’s hard. There’s struggle. There’s high and there’s lows.

It’s full of drama… but this drama is different.

Stories of triumph have something at stake, so the drama has purpose.

When you take on a challenge, you’re living a story of triumph.

When you attempt mastery of a new skill, you’re living a story of triumph.

When you explore territory uncharted, you’re living a story of triumph.

When you forgive a deed long past, you’re living a story of triumph.

When you let go of excuses long held to avoid growth, you’re living a story of triumph.

When you face a fear head on, you’re living a story of triumph.

When you serve someone who’s taken more than they’ve given, you’re living a story of triumph.

When you chase a new record, you’re living a story of triumph.

When you pursue consistency where you’ve never had habit, you’re living a story of triumph.

When you create what’s never before existed, you’re living a story of triumph.

When you embrace risk, you’re living a story of triumph.

And when you fall down, bruise your knees, get upset, fall behind, lose, fall to injury, have your heart broken, miss a shot or a deadline and are rejected … all while pursuing any of these things … that’s all drama that’s worth it.

Drama for the sole sake of feeling something, is empty. It’s cheap. You get the feeling and then there you are, right where you started.

This drama runs at the expense of human emotion with no return on the other side.

While instantly gratifying it’s ultimately unsatisfying.

When you first pursue triumph and drama ensues, there is meaning in it.

It’s FOR something and part of a bigger journey. Triumph-drama is an investment. It comes with feeling, and as it passes you move forward and others upward.

It too runs the expense (and the expanse) of human emotion, and ends with a return at the finale.

While initially agonizing it’s ultimately glorifying.

* * *

I think we’ll always have a desire to feel something deep in our bones. And that desire will push us to look up, and stir up drama.

Those who choose drama, will live dramatically and experience very little growth.

Some will choose boring, and will live with banality.

And now I see we have a third choice: The story of Triumph.

Triumph. A life of progress. A life of improvement. A life of extraordinary.

Want to live a life of Triumph? Come to LoveCon. What’s that? Oh, just another one of those things I’ve been helping Nate with. 3 days of awesome: anything and everything you need to be an amazing lover and live stories of triumph in all your relationships. November 20-22 in the Salt Lake City area. Early bird tickets aren’t even available yet, but CLICK HERE and you’ll be the first to know when they are.

It think there are a lot of Millennials who fear commitment and marriage.

I wish I could introduce each one of those people to Jon and Alexa.

This interview shows the wisdom of a very young couple, how they’ve fallen in love, stayed in love, and how they plan to stay in love… and my favorite part is that they do it in a realistic way.

One of my pet peeves when talking to couples about relationships is when they say things like, “Relationships are hard,” or “Love takes a lot of work,” without getting into the specifics of what is hard and what the work is.

Jon and Alexa do a BEAUTIFUL job at articulating the struggles and triumphs of romance. This is a story the whole world needs to hear. I hope to get them back on the podcast sometime soon.

I hope you enjoy the episode!

Since I started The Loveumentary nearly 3 years ago, my goal has been to help other people find answers to the biggest questions and struggles in their lives.

For years I’ve used my own life and experiences as a template for what to write about, and share… until last week.

A good friend of mine who has been helping me produce the podcast asked me, “What does The Loveumentary tribe need the most?”

I had no idea.

You are not all like me. Your life, your struggles, your worries, your desires – they all might be incredibly different than mine.

So, in an effort to give you more of what you need, I’ve put together this quick survey. Please fill it out. It would mean SO much to me.

I will use your answers as inspiration for new topics to research and write about, or create courses around, or offer support for, and maybe even provide some powerful answers.

I’ll also be sending out some prizes to a few of you who fill out this survey, so there’s a little extra incentive!

Thank you for helping me make The Loveumentary better! It means so much to me.

It’s rare that I get to talk to men in the Love Industry about relationships, so having a chance for Melissa and me to sit down with Aaron Anderson was a real treat.

One of my favorite points from our conversation together was when Aaron talked about what happens when we play the Victim Card.

Often when we feel attacked, or guilty, we tend to blame anything and everything under the sun for the circumstances we’ve created. We’ll do anything we can to avoid taking responsibility for our choices… including trying to prove to our partner that the hurt we caused them isn’t nearly as bad as they hurts they’ve caused us.

John Gottman calls this Cross Complaining.

I like Aaron’s term better…

The Victim Olympics

The Victim Olympics is a contest we create between ourselves and our parter. The winner of The Victim Olympics is the person who can prove they’ve been wronged and hurt more than their partner.

The result? Not pretty.

Nothing positive or productive is accomplished.

The only result is more pain and frustration.

Does this sound familiar?

A great solution that kicks playing The Victim Olympics’ butt is learning to be a generous listener.

Being a generous listener means that you shut your mouth and listen when your partner is complaining. Before responding with a “Yeah but…”, try repeating back to them what you heard them say to make sure you understand. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Try to feel their pain. Try to understand what they’re going through.

When you listen and begin to practice empathy, it opens the door for a peaceful, loving resolution to be reached.

Stop complaining. Start listening.

I hope you enjoy the rest of the episode! It was a fun one to record!

I hope you enjoy their story!

Her book and her TED Talk opened my mind to a new way of thinking. This interview feels like the icing on the cake. I wanted to share it with you because I think it will help you look at your challenges in a different way, or maybe even approach your relationships with a new lens.

I’ve transcribed the entire interview for you (in case you can’t listen to it, or you want to re-visit specific sections). I’d love to hear what you think in the comments!

TED: Do you think love is like a construct or do you think it’s a fact?

EP: It’s an experience. It’s an experience that is mental, emotional, physical, sensual, sensory. It’s all-encompassing. That’s part of why it’s so grand, because it doesn’t leave any part of us untouched.

TED: When people meet you and you say, “I’m Esther Perel, I wrote this book called Mating in Captivity.” What’s the most common reaction you get from people?

EP: Well, the first reaction is usually to the title, “Mating in Captivity.” Some people know exactly what I mean. They understand immediately that we don’t necessarily like to mate in captivity and so then the next question is, “So, can desire be sustained in the long haul? Can you reconcile the domestic and the erotic in one relationship? Can you reconcile intimacy and sexuality when you’re with the same person for the long haul?”

Excerpt from Esther Perel’s TEDx Talk:

So, why does good sex so often fade, even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever? And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex, contrary to popular belief? Or, the next question would be, can we want what we already have? That’s the million-dollar question, right? And why is the forbidden so erotic? What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent? And why does sex make babies, and babies spell erotic disaster in couples? (Laughter) It’s kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn’t it? And when you love, how does it feel? And when you desire, how is it different?

These are some of the questions that are at the center of my exploration on the nature of erotic desire and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love. So I travel the globe, and what I’m noticing is that everywhere where romanticism has entered, there seems to be a crisis of desire. A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting — desire as an expression of our individuality, of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity — desire that has become a central concept as part of modern love and individualistic societies.

EP: Desire was never the organizing principle of sexuality for sure in marriage. We had sex because we needed lots of children and we had sex because it was a woman’s marital duty. So, desire is very much a concept of our society – of our culture – today… of a consumer society, of a society that has the “I” in the center. And this “I” knows who she is and knows what he wants, and is constantly urged to define it and to want more.

TED: So what does that do? What’s the result?

EP: We crumble under the weight of expectation. We’ve never invested more in love and we’ve never divorced more in the name of love. We’re not having very nice results.

That doesn’t mean that when we had less expectations marriages were happier occasions, but people had different expectations of life.

One of the most important things we’ve done around marriage is that we’ve brought happiness down from the heavens, and made it first, a possibility, and now today it’s a mandate.

Am I happy in my marriage? When was that ever such an important question?

This idea that my marriage is supposed to give me something. That I’m supposed to get something from my partner and that my partner owes me that because somehow it was implicit in our agreement in our joining together that we were going to give each other things like:

I’ll never feel alone again!
I’ll never worry about abandonment!
I’ll never feel disconnected!
I’ll never feel unnoticed!

TED: The thing is, marriage is great! I’m speaking for myself here of course. It is that person. That person is your best friend. And that’s our expectation. 

EP: In America.

But I can tell you I go to many parts of the world where I don’t ever hear people say, “My partner is my best friend.”

They HAVE best friends. And it’s not their partner. Their partner is their partner. That’s a different thing. And frankly, many people treat their partners in ways that they would never treat their best friends. They allow themselves to say and do things that no best friend would ever accept.

Friendship does not operate along the same lines.

Excerpt from Esther Perel’s TEDx Talk:

So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult? And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship, I think, is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs. On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability, for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence. All these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives that we call home. But we also have an equally strong need — men and women — for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise — you get the gist. For journey, for travel. So reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure into one relationship, or what we today like to call a passionate marriage, used to be a contradiction in terms. Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long.

So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide. Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it’s a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.

TED: So if marriage has evolved into this thing that’s so fraught with potential problems and pitfalls and obstacles, how do we save it and improve it?

EP: Oh yes, I get that question all the time, and I have a different answer every day. It ranges from, you know, the secret to happy relationship — I don’t think in those terms actually. That’s the first thing. It’s not my language. I don’t think about secrets, nor “keys to…” nor 7 ways to…, nor “10 steps…”

TED: You don’t have the answer for us — like the bumper sticker answer?

EP: No. But I do have a sense in the American context, it’s often a “can do” question. You know, this is a society that thinks that every problem has a solution. And then one of my answers is that this dilemma between our need for security and our need for adventure, and how we’re trying to bring them together under one roof is maybe more a paradox that we manage, and less a problem that we solve.

Michelle and Rich met at AA and have fallen more and more in love with each other as the years have gone by. Their love story is unlike any other that we’ve had here on the podcast… and I’m so glad it is.

One of the best gifts this podcast has given me is that it’s made me aware of my prejudices (prejudice = pre-judging), and pushed me to get to know, love, and accept people I probably wouldn’t have otherwise. Michelle and Rich fall into that category. At first glance, I would never have guessed they share the type of love they revealed to me in the back of a conference room in Austin, Texas last year at SXSW.

It’s because of people like them that my perception of what is possible in love and relationships is constantly evolving and transforming. I’m so grateful for that, and for them.

Lovers Anonymous

One of the things I loved learning about in this episode is how the 12 Step Program has become a foundational principle for growth and change for Rich and Michelle throughout their marriage.

This conversation was one of the first conversations I’d ever had (in detail) about the 12 Step Program, how it works, and how it changes people.

What I learned is that it’s a set of rules that help people take ownership and create change in their lives… and if there’s one that’s true about relationships, it’s that they work best when rules are in place, and both partners hold themselves and each other accountable.

The problem many people see in relationships is that they get caught in – or addicted to – a behavioral pattern that is damaging to their relationship.

Helen Fisher – one of the scientists leading the charge on the study of love – even goes as far to say that, “Love is an addiction.”

And when you have an addiction, you don’t grow emotionally. You stagnate. You get stuck.

So, if you’re feeling stuck in an area of your life, maybe this interview, and the 12 Steps (I’ve modified them a bit for relevancy) will be super helpful to you:

12 Steps

1. I admit I’m powerless over _______—that my life has become unmanageable in this area.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
3. Make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.
4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.
5. Admitted to God, to myself, and to another human beings the exact nature of my wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove my shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons I have harmed, and be willing to make amends to them all.
9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when I was wrong, promptly admit it.
11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, as I understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, I try to carry this message to those who are suffering, and to practice these principles in all my affairs.

Grief can be crippling. It can change you as a person.

It’s important to be able to process the grief in your life in a healthy… and to be understanding of others in your life who might not be themselves because of the burden of grief they are carrying around with them. I know I wish more people had followed these rules during the difficult grieving period I recently went through.

I hope this post helps you feel a little less alone… or that it helps to keep you from saying something really stupid:

As human beings, it’s in our nature to desire and strive for “sameness.” We like to feel secure and safe as much as possible. We create systems and protocols and procedures so there is a sense of structure and predictability. We do these things because, deep down, we know and understand that nothing is really ever totally safe, predictable or or constant.

Although death is an absolute certain part of our experience, in order to keep a sense of control and security we sometimes choose to ignore this facet of our human existence until it comes crashing into our world. When that happens to someone we know and love, or someone we may not know as well, but with whom we have to interact such as a co-worker, it can sometimes be difficult to know what to say. So, we either avoid that person, or we, with very good intentions, say something awkward and walking away wishing we had said nothing at all.

While there isn’t a comprehensive list of what to say, there are definitely a few things not to say:

“Call me if you need to talk.”

Those who have lost a loved one are in a very challenging time. Their feeling of “safety and security” has been altered and they may be trying to make sense of their new reality. During this time they may not know what they need nor when they’ll need it. Telling them to call you absolves you of any responsibility toward caring for them and places it squarely on their shoulders — which are already burdened by the loss they are carrying.

If you have the type of relationship in which you would call or visit, take the initiative yourself and do it, instead of waiting for them to reach out. Your timely phone call may be just what they then realized they needed.

“I understand exactly how you feel.”

The keyword in that phrase is, “exactly.”

Nobody knows exactly how someone else feels.

You don’t know the nature of the relationship or how the person viewed it. What may seem like a small loss to you (maybe a loss of a beloved pet) may be a big loss to them. Even if you have lost someone in the past, their situation is different from yours in unique ways you don’t understand.

Instead, saying something like, “You’re not alone. I love you,” is more helpful.

“Stay strong.”

Just who do they have to stay strong for? You?

Grieving individuals need a chance to feel and express a wide range of emotions, from anger to sadness to confusion to hope and maybe back to anger.

Instead of telling them how to feel, you can be the “strong” one by giving them a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear to talk to, or a quiet someone to just keep them company.

“Well, at least she lived a long life.”

Old, young, middle, it doesn’t matter. Losing a loved one is never easy, even if the person is “prepared” and knows death is approaching. The passing of someone is final in a way not experienced in anything else this life. And your friend’s Dad was still her Dad — even if he was 92.

Instead, ask your friend about her loved one. Maybe she would like to share a memory or have someone look through pictures with her.

“What are you going to do now?”

Again, people experiencing a loss probably have no idea what they’re going to do now. Often the planning of the funeral and settling affairs makes it seem like the person is “busy” and “on top of things” when in reality they are going through the tasks associated with someone’s passing, but may still not have a clue about how to live their life without their loved one. As nice as it is to attend the funeral and send flowers, be sure to check back on your friend in a week or so, and then in a few months and sincerely ask how they’re feeling and doing?

The grief process is just that — a process. There isn’t a time-frame for anything nor an order to what emotions may be experienced. Giving your friends and family the time and space they need to feel and experience their loss is a gift and can be extremely life-enriching, life-affirming and allow for greater depth of healing.

Mike and Becky seem almost too good to be true… and that’s why I love them.

One thing that stood out to me as I re-listened to this interview is the attitude Mike and Becky have towards each other, and the respect and esteem they have for their marriage.

Their marriage inspires them to be the best version of themselves.

I believe they feel so lucky to have each other and have so much respect for their marriage that it has completely changed how they experience life. They don’t want to threaten or jeopardize something they deem so sacred, so they put an incredible effort to preserve and nurture everything that is good within their relationship… and they find ways to turn the trials into blessings.

It takes a special kind of person to be grateful for the good in life along with the bad. During the interview Mike mentioned how one of their biggest trials was when his wife was diagnosed with diabetes… then not 10 minutes later, Becky talks about what a blessing her illness has been, and how she’s been able to use it to help, serve, and uplift other people struggling with the same disease.

There is a level of love that remarkable couples tend to reach that sets them apart from others. It’s a realization that their relationship with each other extends beyond personal satisfaction. Their love carries beyond their partner. It even spreads beyond their children and immediate family.

Truly incredible couples realize that they way they love each other, and they way they respond to their trials and challenges can have an impact on their community and the world. They use their marriage as a catalyst to inspire and uplift others. They set themselves as examples and role models. They see the value in sharing their struggles, and uplifting those who are hurting and suffering.

The lesson I learned from Mike and Becky is that life is what you choose to make it.

What did you learn from this week’s podcast? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Here’s the thing about working out… even though it’s not always fun, it leaves you feeling AMAZING afterwards. That’s because physical activity releases all sorts of hormones and endorphins into your brain that send you into a euphoric state, and reduce your perception of pain.

If you find yourself stressed out regularly, or arguing a lot… maybe it’s because you’re not working out regularly.

Another added bonus of working out is that it makes you look sexy! And who doesn’t want to be sexy?

I know I do… which is why I work out.

Your Challenge:

I spent a bunch of time perusing YouTube in an attempt to find some really fun, relatively short, and unique partner exercise videos.

Pick one, set aside 15 minutes tonight, and do it with your partner! I promise you won’t regret it.

Partner Up Yoga: Stretching & Flexibility Mat Workout

This workout is great if you’re not up for any intense movements. Just sit down together and get your stretch on. You’ll be using each others bodies to limber up and relax. This is a video you should not be scared of.

‘Good Morning My Love’ Partner Yoga Sequence for Couples

I picked this video because it just looked fun and playful. It’s a good Saturday morning pajama workout to do together after some mookie (morning nookie), and before your french toast breakfast.

Partner Workout with Kelli & Daniel

This is a really basic workout that you can have fun with at your own pace. The only equipment you might need is a medicine ball, but you could get by without it.

Buddy Up! Partner Fitness Exercises

This is another pretty basic workout that most people should be able to do. You can increase the intensity if it seems to easy or modify the movements to your ability level.

Partner Up Yoga: Acro Yoga Workout with Vytas Baskauskas

Acro yoga won’t be for everyone, but if you’re looking to try yoga as a partnership, this is a great place to start! They break down the movements and move nice and slow so you don’t get overwhelmed. This is definitely one I’ll be trying this week.

Up For a Bigger Challenge?

Ever wanted to do something big? Something crazy? Something you never thought you could do?

Maybe you’ve always wanted to train for a triathlon, or a marathon… or maybe even an Ironman race.

If you want to tackle something big this year – especially if you want to tackle something big with your partner – send me an email.

My friend, Nat is an endurance trainer and has offered to put together a training program (geared specifically towards couples). If we can get enough people on board, he’ll put together a program to help us train, and make what seems impossible into something that is SO possible.

Send me an email if you’re interested! I really want to do this with you guys.

What workouts do you do together? Have you noticed a change in how you show up in your relationships when you exercise as opposed to when you don’t? How do you fit exercise into your life when it gets busy? I’d love to hear your ideas in the comments…

A few weeks ago while updating my website I broke something and the podcast stopped working.

My good friend Mark helped me fix the podcast, improve the audio quality, and create a whole strategy around how the podcasts will be released down the road. He’s even helped me strategize some awesome product that I’ll be launching over the next few months. If you want him to help you out with a project or business you’re working on, you can contact him here. He’s for reals amazing.

Buckle up… and subscribe on iTunes here. I hope you enjoy this awesome chat with Christina and Sung.

John Gottman – arguably the foremost expert on romantic love – has shared some incredible findings from decades of studies around what makes amazing relationships. The most fundamental principle that comes up again and again in his writings is…

You’ve gotta be friends!

Seriously though. You can’t have an incredible, lasting love without a strong friendship… the kind of friendship you constantly cultivate.

Being friends means you have to talk to each other, be interested in each others lives, support each other, be kind to one another, help each other through your struggles, and most importantly…

YOU HAVE TO HAVE FUN!

Here at The Loveumentary, fun is mandatory! I believe that couples should have so much that I literally started a company dedicated the idea. Unbox Love is a date-in-a-box subscription service. We literally send you everything you need to have an awesome date together to your doorstep every month.

It’s been amazing over the last several months to get emails and notes from people telling me how having a regular date night has completely reignited their relationships!

My challenge for you today is to step away from the obligations, the commitments, and the stresses of life. Put off doing the dishes for one night. Turn off your phones, tablets and computers. Put the yard work off one more day… and just play!

Go on an adventure. Play a game. Ask each other questions you haven’t asked in a long time. Build a blanket fort and read each other a book. Have a tickle fight. Or go on a date…

Speaking of dates, here are a few great ideas of free (or really cheap) dates you can do together provided by the amazing Dating Divas:

Cheapest Date Challenge

Challenge your spouse to see who can pull off the best (and cheapest!) date night. In fact, see who can plan the best FREE date night! Challenge accepted!

Deal or No Deal

You might not win the million dollar prize, but you WILL definitely win over your spouse’s heart with this fun and sexy twist on a popular t.v. game show.

Frisbee Golf With a Twist

This is a unique game that doesn’t cost a dime! And the best part? It uses items that you can find around the house!

Campout for Two

If you have the gear, camping is a GREAT option for anyone who is pinching pennies! Put up a tent (the more secluded the better!) and voila! You have a romantic getaway for two!

Tourist In Your Home Town

You don’t have to go on some expensive exotic vacation to discover new places! Research what your own town has to offer and get going! You might be surprised at how much there is to see!

Go spend some time as friends tonight, and leave the worries of being responsible, tax-paying, child-rearing, deadline meeting adults for another day.

Hi, my name is Kan, and this is my story of how the Loveumentary changed my life.

I distinctly remember having less than ten dollars in my bank account in college while I was working a part time job that paid a nice hourly wage. I was hooked on keeping my emotional state high through spending money. I also remember a myriad of other unpleasant experiences like desperately holding on to a failing relationship (which eventually became unsustainable) and not being able to perform up to my standards in school. This was a low point.

But then, like so many other life-changing stories, I met somebody who made all the difference. She saw my shortcomings as part of the path I was walking to become a stronger version of myself. She held me, supported me, and encouraged me to continue becoming all that I was meant to be.

I quickly realized that this relationship was something I did not want to screw up, but I was still heartbroken and emotionally unstable; I was on my way to possibly sabotaging this potentially beautiful relationship. Coincidentally, right around this time, I stumbled across Nate’s Loveumentary podcast episode 36 & 37 with Ty and Terry.

These two episodes were nothing short of life-changing. It ignited my passion towards loving intentionally and being fully present and aware of my responsibilities in a relationship. Looking back, it is the exposure to these two episodes that is the clear inflection point on when I started to have a clear direction in life and become genuinely grateful.

I recently realized that the messages behind the Loveumentary are not just for the version of me that needed to be uplifted and needed practical advice for how to approach a relationship. It is also for the version of my significant other that was unsure if she should believe in me. At some point, she had to make a decision to risk, be vulnerable, and place her trust in my hands.

I am forever grateful that she did, and this is why I want to help contribute to Nate’s purpose. Unlike much of the self-centered, dating-for-my-gain mentality that has been woven into the fabric of the single’s society, It is about instilling a mindset of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and believe in others. This could not be any more relevant to me since it was my girlfriend’s choice to believe in me that kept me afloat through the valleys of my life trajectory.

Keep loving, everyone. You will make all the difference in someone’s life.

I was completely blown away when I heard this story. I never thought that a project I started would have an influence on someone else’s live in this way.

I asked Kan if he would create a piece specifically for you!

And he said yes!

So, over the next few weeks he’s going to be sharing with us the process of how he creates this beautiful work of art, and when he’s finished, you’ll be able to buy a limited edition print of it to display in your home or office!

I can’t tell you how excited I am for this. It’s so cool to be collaborating with someone who shares the same passion I have for The Loveumentary.

You can see one of Kan’s pieces in the header of this blog post (in case you have images disabled). And here’s a pencil draft of what he’s working on for us. It’s not the final product, but it will give you an idea of how insanely talented this kid is:

How To Order A Print:

Prints will be available in a few weeks. They will be 12″x12″. The color of the prints and paper are still not determined. Shoot me an email if you want to pre-order one, and I’ll give you details!

Upcoming Events

I have some more great news for you! I’m going to be headed to New York City and San Francisco in the next few months to put on some workshops, and if you’re in the area, I’d love to see you!

I’ll be updating you with more details as they come available, but I wanted you to get them on your calendar as early as possible so you can be sure to attend. If you can’t make it to the seminars, I’m going to try to host a meetup in each city where we can just hang out for a few hours.

(If you’re in San Francisco or NYC, let me know if you have any recommendations of cool places to hang.)

June 1 – 3 in Orlando, FL

I’ll be in Orlando for a conference from June 1 – 3. I’d love to get together with some of you. Shoot me an email if you’re interested and we’ll put something together.

June 12 – 14 in New York City

Advanced Ed NYC
On Friday the 12th I’ll be leading an evening workshop. Then on Saturday and Sunday I’ll be giving a 2-day seminar on creating powerful, lasting love and relationships.

Seating is limited for both the Friday and the Saturday-Sunday events. If you want to be there, shoot me an email and I’ll make sure to reserve you a spot before tickets go on sale!

June 23 – 24 in San Francisco

The Passion Co.
On Tuesday the 23rd I’ll be giving a Passion Talk for The Passion Co.

On Wednesday the 24th I’ll be running a 3 hour Passion Workshop. Details are coming soon! I’ll let you know as soon as registration opens. But if you’re in the SF area, I’d love to see you on either (or both) night!

I’m looking for other opportunities to speak! If you belong to a community (meetup, church group, club, business, etc.) that wants to learn how to strengthen relationships and create more fulfilling love, just drop me a line to let me know. Bonus points if you’re in NYC, San Francisco, or Utah, and are available during a date when I’ll be in or around your town.

… but it probably won’t, because you like being comfortable too much.

The cure to obesity is to have a healthy diet and exercise… but it’s easier to eat processed foods and be lazy.

The best way to stay out of debt and avoid bankruptcy is to never spend more money than you have… but it’s easier to buy what you want, and just put it on a credit card now.

You could write a book, master a new language, or learn an instrument, with just a little bit of practice and daily effort… but motivating yourself to put in the work is way harder than binge-watching a whole season of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.

You could have an incredible, passionate, connected, dynamic, committed, romantic relationship… but you’d rather play it safe and stay in your comfort zone than have the love you crave.

You’d rather use the excuse of being busy with work or taking care of the kids than make the extra effort to plan a romantic date.

You’d rather turn down your partner’s advances because you’re not in the mood than to entertain the idea of passion.

You’d rather wait for the other person to make the first move than risk looking the fool.

You’d rather watch a movie come up with thoughtful questions that could inspire a meaningful conversation.

You’d rather scream, walk away from a conversation, and slam the door behind you than listen compassionately, and show understanding and forgiveness.

You’d rather read 50 Shades of Gray than a book that could educate you on how to be a better partner.

In short, you’d rather be comfortable than in love!

Winners are those people who make a habit of doing the things losers are uncomfortable doing.
-Ed Foreman

If you want to win at the game of love – ok, not just the game of love, the World Series of love – you have to make yourself uncomfortable. You have to stretch. You have to constantly recommit yourself, educate yourself, improve yourself, dig deeper, give more, and practice practice practice.

Or as one of The Loveumentary’s past podcast guests said,

Marriage is a continual process. It’s a re-commitment to each other. That it requires continual forgiveness, continual self-growth and examination.
–Lara Ward

Allow Yourself to Be Awkward

Whenever you’re venturing into new territory, or growing and stretching yourself, you will experience a learning curve… and that can be really awkward.

I remember how awkward I was when I went to my first co-ed dance when I was 14.

I was terrified to even make eye contact with a girl, let alone ask a girl to dance!

I spent the majority of the dance either standing in a circle with my friends, bobbing my head – or if I got really courageous, I might bust out a few of the whitest dance moves you’ve ever seen.

As I attended more dances, it got less and less awkward to ask a girl to dance. It got to be a lot of fun! I began anticipate when slow songs were going to come on, and I’d position myself next to a girl I had a crush on so I could ask her before any other guys.

I grew to love dancing so much that I took some ballroom classes, and even started looking for opportunities to dance on a regular basis.

Give yourself permission to be awkward and look stupid. You won’t be good at something new the first time you try it.

You’ll wobble on your bike and crash a few times before you get the hang of riding a two-wheeler. You’ll make some really ugly cupcakes, and weird tasting cookies before you can open your own bakery. You’ll write some really horrible blog posts before you become an author.

You might have some really funny and awkward experiences in the bedroom before you master sex with your partner. You might feel like a complete idiot trying to change the way you listen and communicate. (The words “Wow, that sounds really tough, tell me more.” sometimes feel really weird coming out of my mouth… but they’ve helped me become a better listener.) Following a budget is going to be uncomfortable at first…

But the people who are willing to look stupid and feel uncomfortable are the ones who will experience the kind of love the rest of us only fantasize about.

So, what can you do today to make yourself uncomfortable? How can you embrace the awkward? What are you really committed to… love, or something else?

Six months ago I was engaged, and my plan for 2015 was to be married and living in cute little house with the woman of my dreams as we built our future life together.

At the moment, I’m single and sitting in my basement. I’ve spent a lot of time contemplating what went wrong.

Life obviously did not go according to my plan.

We initially pushed back our wedding date in October to give ourselves some much-needed space and time. Three months later we decided it was best to call off our engagement entirely to allow ourselves to tackle some personal struggles.

I remember waking up the day after our breakup and realizing my worst nightmare had become a reality. (I literally had nightmares about calling off my engagement.)

I know, people break up all the time. Every day couples are calling off their engagements, or getting left standing at the altar, or going through struggles of infidelity, bankruptcy, loss, or even dead bedrooms.

Life goes on, right?

Well, none of those people have a project called The Loveumentary dedicated to learning and practicing the things that make amazing relationships a reality. (Or at least that’s what I told myself.)

Needless to say, after the breakup I was really angry, confused and scared. I felt like a fraud. There were moments where I felt completely unworthy of love or that my heart would never heal.

It was pretty bad.

Breakups are horrible. Life is sometimes really really hard. Love is risky…

But getting hurt is not what this post is about.

This post is about having a plan… and what happens when that plan goes horribly wrong. Like, the opposite-of-the-way-you-thought-plans-would-go kind of wrong. The what-the-heck-just-happened-are-you-freaking-kidding-me kind of wrong.

I have a foolproof plan…

I recently realized that every time I’ve had one of those shake-your-fist-at-the-sky-and-scream-at-the-top-of-your-lungs moments it’s because I’ve been attached to a specific outcome. I wanted something to happen really really bad… and despite all of my valiant efforts the thing did not happen.

I make plans all the time… and here’s what it sounds like inside my brain:

“I’m going to say/do A, and then she’s going to say/do B, and then I’ll respond with X, and then she’ll see things my way, and we’ll all be happy!”

Plans are simple, easy, straightforward.

If everyone followed my plans, life would be so much less painful, and everyone would be so happy!

Then I read this amazing quote by Dwight D. Eisenhower which led to a moment of exquisite clarity for me:

Plans are nothing. Planning is everything.

Plans work the opposite of the way life works.

Life is chaotic, complex, and random… and when pitted up against my plans, life always wins, and I lose.

Planning vs. Having a Plan

As I’ve reflected on the chaos that has been my life over the last several months, I’ve learned a valuable lesson: Getting fixated on a plan generally leads to disappointment… but there is HUGE value in planning.

Planning involves preparing, considering all the possibilities and contemplating potential outcomes, then formulating a response for all of these circumstances.

Our love life is probably the area where we make the most “plans.”

We have “a plan” for our honeymoon. We have “a plan” when we’re going to buy a house. We have “a plan” for how romantic vacations will unfold, when we’ll have kids, how many kids we’ll have, and how well-behaved they’ll be. We have plans about how our bodies will look, how much energy and money we’ll have, and how our love will always feel easy.

If all we get attached to a plan of how we think life should be, our marriages and relationships will be fraught with disappointment, frustration, and conflict… because life happens, and our plans get destroyed.

Or as Mike Tyson said, “Everybody has a plan ’till they get punched in the face.”

Instead, if you are rigorous in your planning – if you prepare and avoid getting attached to “a plan,” – you can roll with the punches when it rains through your entire honeymoon, or when you can’t afford a house in the first 5 years of your marriage, or when traffic or sickness threatens a romantic getaway. You can still find joy and happiness when you are surprised with twins… even very rambunctious twins, or when you put on weight or lose your hair… or even when your engagement falls to pieces.

If you’re finding yourself being constantly disappointed or stressed or looking around wondering how the heck you got where you are and what happened to the life you thought you’d have, ask yourself the question, “Am focused more on planning, or on living out my ideal plan?”

What can you do to start planning and preparing for the curveballs and bombshells of life? How can you educate yourself to handle jarring, unexpected situations with grace and poise? How can you develop the habit of seeing the good in everything… even when life doesn’t go according to “the plan?” Leave your thoughts in the comments!

The Doctor and the Medicine Man

I recently heard a story of a young doctor who worked in a hospital in the Navajo Nation. One evening an old Native American man with long braided hair came into this doctor’s emergency room. The doctor approached the man, and asked, “How can I help you?”

The old man looked straight ahead and said nothing.

The young doctor, desiring to help this man, tried again. “I can’t help you if you don’t speak to me,” he said. “Why you have come to the hospital?”

The old man looked at him and asked, “Do you dance?”

The doctor was puzzled by the strange question when it occurred to him that perhaps this man was a tribal medicine man who, according to ancient tribal customs, sought to heal the sick through song and dance rather than using some of the more modern medical practices.

“No,” said the doctor, “I don’t dance. Do you dance?”

The old man nodded yes.

Then the doctor looked at the man and asked, “Could you teach me to dance?”

The old man’s response was thoughtful and inspires great reflection. “I can teach you to dance,” he said, “but you have to hear the music.”

Can You Hear The Music?

In my nearly 10 years of partner dancing, I’ve come across a lot of lessons that can be taken from dance and applied to relationships. This story reminded me of one.

You can spend hours watching, learning and practicing a dance, but something magical happens when you put that dance to music.

The music breathes a life into the movements. It gives them meaning and purpose. Somehow dancing makes you one with the music… like your body is producing the notes while at the same time, the notes are moving your body.

A good dance to an amazing song with an amazing dance partner is the closest thing I’ve ever experienced to magic in my life.

In the world of relationships, there are many “dance steps” you can learn to help improve your relationship. There are tactics, and tips, and principles that you can implement with the hope of fostering more love and connection over time, but…

If you do the moves without hearing and feeling the music, the moves never feel quite right.
Ever see a couple exchange pleasantries through gritted teeth when they are visibly upset with each other?

Right moves, no music

Have you kissed someone knowing you were going to break up with them later that night… and you just got this weird pit in your stomach like you’re living a lie?

You were doing the moves, but there wasn’t any music.

Ever agree to sex while rolling your eyes, or complain about bringing home dinner for the family, or give a compliment with a hint of sarcasm, or begrudgingly offer to help put the kids to bed?

The moves are there, but the music is not.

Sometimes we need a little help getting the music started up again.

It requires us to stop dancing for a minute and check our radio dial.

What frequency are we tuned into? Are we stuck on a station of resentment, exasperation and frustration? Are we listening to the exhaustion, impatient, and short-tempered show? Or are we tuned into the music of concern, gratitude, patience, appreciation, acknowledgement, service, kindness, and love?

When you get tuned into the right music, the dance transforms and becomes the most beautiful thing you’ll experience in this life.

It’s OK To Look Crazy

As you dance the dance of love you’ll come across haters.

These people will give you a laundry list of reasons why love is a joke. They’ll tell you you’re delusional, idealistic, and destined to failure. They’ll criticize you for your commitment. They’ll argue that you’re throwing away your freedom. They mock your displays of affection. They’ll complain about their own loveless relationships to see if they can get you to do the same.

“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”
-George Carlin

These people will look at your dancing and think you insane because they are deaf to the music of love.

You’re having a dance party in your car, and they’re looking at you through the glass like you’re nuts. If you ask me, it’s their loss.

Don’t stop dancing.

Ever.

What do you do to hear the music and dance with your partner? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

A story is told of a thief in ancient times who stole a magnificent coat. The coat was made of the finest materials including buttons of silver and gold. When he returned to his friends after selling the coat to a wealthy merchant in the marketplace, his closest friend asked him how much he had sold the coat for.

“A hundred pieces of silver,” was his reply.

“You mean to tell me you only got a hundred pieces of sliver for that magnificent coat?!” asked his friend.

“Is there a number higher than a hundred?” asked the thief?

If I asked you if you wanted amazing, electric, passionate, lasting, committed, trusting, compassionate, patient, giving, forgiving love… you’d probably say, “Yes! Absolutely!”

I’ll be honest, you’re not unique. Everybody says they want that kind of love. Everybody… But it probably doesn’t describe the love you have.

Why?

Because you settle. You stop practicing. You stop learning, growing, and putting in the effort. You’re busy. You’re committed to other things. You become resigned and make excuses like, “Well, this is just my reality. It’s not going to get better than this.”

I would assert that it’s very likely that your love life is be your “100 silver pieces!”

You don’t even think to ask for or want more, because you don’t even realize that there is more than what you have!

The beautiful thing about love is that it can ALWAYS get better… and wanting it to be better is not bad! It’s a really really good thing!

It doesn’t matter how bad or how good your love life is, there is ALWAYS room for more connection, more commitment, more passion, more forgiveness, more understanding, more unity, and more adventure.

The world needs more of these things! Your life, your family, your friendships, your romantic relationship… they would all benefit from more of these things!

So now the real question is are you willing to do the work to create more of this “better” love in your life?

Are you willing to ask for what you need? Are you willing to ask others what they need to give you what you need? Are you willing to study, ask for help, try something new… and maybe fail, explore unfamiliar territory?

If you’re ready to take the leap and stop settling for 100 silver pieces when there’s an entire treasury waiting for you to reach out and pick it up, I want you to be a part of Love School.

Love School is 6 weeks of love training. Every Tuesday at 9:00 ET (8:00 CT, 7:00 MT, 6:00 PT) we will have a phone call about how you can create the type of relationship you say you want instead of just talking about it.

You can’t get what you want by doing what you’ve always done. This course and this community is being created for you because it’s time for you to have more.

I hope you are committed to creating incredible love, and I really hope to see you in class!

Psychologist Arthur Aron has been exploring the idea that you can dramatically increase the intimacy between two people by asking them gradually more personal and vulnerable questions.

Your ability to ask a good question is directly correlated with your ability to truly get to know someone. If you’re feeling distant from your significant other, it might simply be because you haven’t developed the skill of asking good questions.

Take a few minutes tonight to sit down and go through these questions together. Listen intently to the answers your partner poses.

When you’re done asking and answering these questions, spend 3 to 5 minutes silently looking into each others eyes. It might feel a little weird at first, but if you stick with it you’ll see that being truly heard and seen has the potential to be a really powerful, and connecting experience.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Thank you so much for being who you are. I love you.

Now, without further adieu, here are 31 lessons on love to celebrate my 31 years of life.

1. Love is a choice you make every day. You don’t just choose to love someone on your wedding day, and then you’re set for life. Consciously making the same choice to love your parter every single day is incredibly powerful. Nothing has the ability take away your power to choose love.
2. Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most. Most people never get to experience the love they dream of because they are scared to take the risk to be the one who loves the most. It’s easy to play it safe and comfortable. It’s natural to surrender what you want in the long term for what is is so easily accessible now. It’s hard to risk hurting yourself or someone else for the chance of creating something incredible.
3. Love isn’t fair… and that’s what makes it so beautiful. Sometimes we are just lucky enough to find a person who will stick by our side and love us even when we think we don’t deserve it. If you find someone like that, hold on to them.
4. Love is not happiness. If you’re looking for an unlimited, constant supply of happiness, love is not for you. Love is, however, purifying, inspiring, motivating, and an incredible source for personal growth and improvement. Happiness in love, in my belief, is created as a result of the progress we make as individuals and as couples.
5. Love does not keep score. When you keep score in a relationship, it takes the joy out of loving and being loved. Suddenly something beautiful and selfless becomes a source of resentment, guilt and frustration.
6. Love is learned. Just like a language or a musical instrument, we learn love from the society and culture we’re raised in, from our teachers and role models, and from our families. Most people have average love because they had mediocre teachers (who, more often than not, didn’t even realize they were the teachers… or that they were average).
7. The most simple act of love is making and keeping a promise. Promises are the gateway to everything beautiful about love. They are the foundation for trust and commitment. Keep the small promises you make and you’ll never have to worry about the big ones being broken.
8. You have an unlimited supply of love. Love doesn’t have a quota or a cap. What determines how much you give or receive is… you.
9. To love others, you must first love yourself. Allowing your self-worth and value as a human to be determined by how other people feel about you is selfish, and a short road to disappointment, sadness, and never reaching your full potential.
10. Loneliness is never a good reason to be in a relationship.
11. It’s not what you fight about that kills your relationship… it’s how you fight about it. Some couples divorce over what is the correct way to squeeze the toothpaste tube. Some couples grow closer together after working through infidelity. You can’t blame the point of conflict for the hurt it causes. Blame yourself for how it’s handled.
12. You can turn any moment into a romantic moment. Romance is more often a choice than an effect of chemistry or serendipity.
13. Love is not a feeling. (The feeling most people refer to as love is actually called limerence.) Love inspires action. Love is a verb. Love doesn’t wait. Love doesn’t think. Love doesn’t feel. As Bob Goff says, “Love does.”
14. When you love someone – truly love them – you don’t seek to change them. You love all of them. You wouldn’t buy a cat and then ask it to fetch and bark and wag its tail like a dog. Don’t choose a person and ask them to be something other than what they are. That is not love.
15. Love is more about being complimentary than it is about being compatible. If you wanted to marry yourself, you’d be happy being single. It’s ok to look for someone different than you. Celebrate the differences. They will make you a better version of yourself.
16. The best relationships require boundaries. Just like football, without rules of conduct, goals, out-of-bounds, and referees, people get hurt and the game descends into chaos. It wouldn’t be fun to play. It’s important to set rules in your relationship that make you feel safe, and that encourage fair play. More often than not, these rules even make the game more enjoyable.
17. Love requires vulnerability. Sometimes the hardest thing to say is, “You hurt me.” or “I screwed up and I need your forgiveness.” Nobody will ever be able to fully accept and love you (faults and all) unless you first accept yourself enough to share your entire self with them. They can’t accept and love a side of you they don’t even know exists. Being fully seen requires true courage.
18. There is no magic recipe or formula for true love. There are as many versions of true love as there are people who claim to have it. you get to make up your own rules. Don’t play by someone else’s.
19. Never hold back a compliment and always think twice before criticizing. Appreciation and gratitude are rocket fuel for a relationship. Criticism is a cancer to love. Studies have shown that the most successful marriages have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Next time you feel the need to say something negative, ask yourself if you’ve said 5 positive things since the last negative one.
20. Forgive people quickly and often (unless you’re in an abusive relationship). Forgiveness doesn’t mean the hurt goes away. It doesn’t mean you forget what happened. It just means you stop punishing the other person for what they did. Let go. Move on. Give others the space and freedom to change.
21. It’s the hardest times that make the best memories and create the deepest, longest-lasting bonds. If your’e suffering, suffer together. One day the suffering will end and you’ll be glad you fought for each other instead of against each other.
22. There are few shortcuts to happiness… dancing is one of them. Rough day? Throw a dance party in the kitchen. Have a disagreement? Work it out while in each others arms. Don’t know how to dance? Learning something new together is one of the best ways to bond.
23. Love knows no race, gender, age or religion. Love is the thing that unites us. We all want it. It is our common bond as human beings. Always remember, the person you hate has someone in their life that loves them dearly.
24. Sex is not love. Sex alone will not provide you lasting happiness. But sex is an incredible compliment to a loving, romantic relationship. The earlier sex is introduced to a relationship, the less likely the are to endure the test of time. Passion does not typically make for a very stable and enduring foundation for a long-term relationship.
25. Finding love is more about being the right person than finding the right person. If you’re not prepared for the love you want, it’s unlikely you’ll be prepared to recognize the person who can give it to you.
26. Love has nothing to do with wealth, beauty, affluence, or prestige. There are plenty of rich, beautiful, and powerful people in the world who are lonely, sad, and loveless. And there are plenty of poor, homely, relatively invisible people who have a love greater than you could imagine.
27. One of love’s greatest enemies is busyness. Show me what a man spends his time doing and I’ll show you what he loves. If the way you spend your time doesn’t reflect what you believe you value, it’s time to either change the way you spend your time, or change what you claim to value.
28. One of the best ways to have an incredible relationship is to surround yourself with other couples whose relationships you admire. Having a good mentor, coach, or example will keep you in check, and give you something to aspire to. You truly are the average of the 5 people (or couples) you spend the most time with.
29. Always have something to look forward to. It will keep you looking forward and not wishing for, or analyzing the past. Whether it’s a vacation, a date, or a class you want to take together, always have something positive on your radar in the not-too-distant future.
30. True love requires a generous helping of empathetic, judgement-free listening. If your parter has something difficult to tell you, and you react poorly (with anger or hostility), they will avoid telling you the hard truth in the future and opt instead for an easy lie. Lies undermine trust… which obliterates commitment… which destroys love. The way you listen and respond to the truth will reflect the long-term health and quality of your relationship.
31. Love is the absolute greatest thing we get to experience in this life. It’s better than money or travel or pizza. It’s more powerful than wars and hatred. It’s more exhilarating than any roller coaster and will teach you more about yourself than any university. Love will stretch you and break you and put you back together as the most beautiful version of yourself. Love is what gives life meaning and gives us purpose. Please choose to love more.

Thank you for believing in love, and for sharing this post. It means so much to me to call you a friend, reader, and a fellow human on this earth who just wants the world and life to be a little better and brighter

It was 9:00 at night on a Friday night. I was sitting on the lumpy old couch in my basement apartment… crying.

My life was a mess. I was feeling stressed and overwhelmed. I hadn’t been sleeping well for the last week, my relationship with my business partner was strained as our company struggled to grow, and I could feel the stress of my bank account quickly dwindling down to zero dollars and zero cents.

As I looked to the other side of the couch, I saw my girlfriend – the woman I love more than anyone in the world – hugging her knees with tears in her eyes. The last few weeks had been tough on our relationship as well. The choices I had been making were going to drive us apart and end our relationship.

Everything was unraveling. I felt hopeless, as if the damage I’d done to the people and things I cared most about was irreparable. The life I wanted with a flourishing business, and the girl I loved was slipping through the cracks, and I there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

Or so I thought.

The word “integrity” suddenly popped into my mind.

On January 1st of this year, I chose the word “integrity” as the theme for the next 365 days of my life. Since that time, I’ve read books on integrity, taken classes on integrity, and done a great deal of work to create more integrity in my relationships and in my life.

To me, having integrity means that I am a man of my word. It means when I say something, I do it. No excuses.

Suddenly, I was having an out-of-body experience. I could see myself sitting on my couch in that moment, feeling disempowered and helpless, and something inside me clicked.

“The reason you’re struggling,” I said to myself, “is because you haven’t kept your promises.”

I could choose to be the victim of circumstance and say that the life that was crashing down around me was not my fault. I could blame it on bad luck, other people, or even just the chaos of life… or I could take responsibility for it all.

I knew if I was going to hold on to the things I had worked so hard to create, then I had to own up to my lack of integrity – my broken promises, and my unmet commitments. Then I had to make new commitments… and keep them.

Many men I know are scared of making promises.

In their mind, promises are just another opportunity to disappoint people. Promises don’t leave room for much gray area… either you keep them or you don’t. I hear the words, “I’ll probably,” or “I might,” or “If I have time,” come out of their mouths as they throw out a safety net of protection to shield themselves from the consequences of their potentially broken promises.

“I said I’d do it if I had time,” they say, after disappointing and emotionally distancing themselves from yet another person they care about.

What most men have forgotten is that promises are the very foundation of strong relationships. When I make and keep promises to others, they learn that they can rely on me. It creates a bond of trust.

As you continue make and keep promises – even little ones – the trust others have in you, and the trust you have in yourself and your ability to deliver on promises will grow. Your relationships will strengthen and flourish. This trust will inevitably develop into commitment.

The Thrill of Commitment

One of the most meaningful things you can experience in life is when your relationships evolve into a state of commitment.

When you’re in a committed relationship, whether it’s a friendship, a business partnership, or a romantic relationship, it means that you and the person (or people) you’re committed to all share the same vision. It means you’re all willing to work towards and fight for the same cause. It means you get to participate in the creation of something greater than yourself.

Being in a committed relationship is evidence that your track record for making and keeping promises has earned you enough trust to be invited into someone’s inner circle, and to participate in creating something important with them.

When a man is creating something with people he trusts, it means he’s living his purpose. He’s expanding, progressing, and growing.

The legendary Chicago Bulls of the mid-1990’s are a perfect example of this. Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, Tony Kukoc, and the rest of the Bulls created a cohesive unit where each could trust the other to know and fulfill on their role. Jordan and Pippen dominated the scoreboard, while Rodman pulled down rebounds, and Kukoc dropped outside jumpers.

As they continued to develop and grow, they pushed themselves to the best season in NBA history, and multiple championships.

None of this could have happened without commitment, dedication, and continuous progress from every member of the team.

Growth Leads to Happiness

When you’re surrounded by the people you trust, committed to a higher purpose, and experiencing growth, you will inevitably experience the happiness you so desperately desire.

At the end of the day, all we really want is to be happy. Too many men get caught in the trap of searching for shortcuts to happiness through means that compromise their integrity. Rarely do these sources of happiness last. So they bounce from woman to woman, hobby to hobby, addiction to addiction, or job to job in search of the “right” thing… when in reality, that which will make them happy is right there the whole time.

And it all starts with being willing to make and keep a promise.

If you’re not seeing the results you want in life, whether it’s in your work, your family, your friendships, your spiritual life, your physical well being, or your love life, ask yourself this question: “Where am I lacking integrity? What promises am I not keeping that I made to myself, to someone else, or to God?”

Take ownership of your broken promises. Make new ones. And keep them.

That’s exactly what I did, and now my business is growing, my girlfriend and I are getting married, and I couldn’t be happier with the direction in which things are moving.

Your ability to make and keep promises makes you who you are.

Make integrity a part of your nature, and you’ll find yourself living the full, happy, and fulfilling life you’ve been searching for.

If you enjoyed this post, get the entire ebook here:

It’s day 30— the final post in our challenge. For days I’ve wondered what words would best seal this discovery of self. It’s quite overwhelming to select one subject that ties together topics ranging from power posing to protein, lentils to laughter and kindness with cold showers. My desire in doing this challenge was to expand our visions of “health” into the much broader and infinitely more fulfilling concept called “wellness”— to create a lasting significance and satisfaction that comes with exploration and exercise of our emotional, physical, social, intellectual and spiritual hearts.

I started this process on day one by asking you to lie down in starfish pose and have an honest assessment of what wellness meant to you. When you rose from the floor, each of you had formed a unique foundation upon which you’ve built the last 30 days. The only thing that remains is a capstone to connect and crown this freshly constructed fortress of wellness.

To place it, you must first see it. So for your final tool of construction, find a camera. You’re about to get the social go-ahead to do what many embarrassingly tease and joke about doing behind closed doors: “the selfie”. Yes, I want you to take a photo of yourself. This one won’t be on social media so don’t worry about your most attractive angle or which filter leaves you in the best light. This picture is for your purposes alone and the less doctored the better.

Go ahead. Take your picture. Now, before viewing it, let’s introduce an emotion that often eludes us as humans: gratitude. Begin by expressing gratitude to yourself for whatever level of participation you’ve put into this 30-day reformation of wellness. Next, reflect on any impressions or inspiration you’ve received while reading and recreating your own version of you. Whatever insights you’ve received, feel gratitude to a God, creator or universe that graciously gave them to you.

Now view your photo. If critical thoughts are the first to come, go ahead and allow them entrance but assess their presence by asking yourself the following 10 questions:

1. Do you love yourself enough to forgive yourself?

2. Do you love yourself enough to forgive others?

3. Do you love yourself enough to nourish your body with life-affirming nutrient-rich food the way nature intended?

4. Do you love yourself enough to exercise your body, to stretch, build and strengthen its physical abilities?

5. Do you love yourself enough to seek for eternal truth for both soul and spirit?

6. Do you love yourself enough to live in the moment — to forget the past and not worry so much about the future — to be “present” in every moment of your life?

7. Do you love yourself enough to be kind? Not only to be gentle and giving to others but also to be tender with self?

8. Do you love yourself enough to set aside essential time for sleep and rest?

9. Do you love yourself enough to consistently expand your mind by learning new things and embracing new experiences?

10. Do you love yourself enough to have fun, to laugh, to have joy, to release stress, relax and take the time to re-energize?

These 10 questions should sound familiar if you’ve followed along on this journey. They address many of the critical aspects of wellness we’ve been exploring— and most importantly they all have one common denominator: a deep and enduring love of self.

I described it on day one as the ultimate goal of this venture: love of health, love of self. Beautiful things happen, both in body and soul, when you allow your own love to envelope you. Some may say this is the first step in the remarkable God-like ability to give love to others.

As author Brendon Burchard wrote:

“At the end of our lives, we will ask… Did I live? Did I love? Did I matter?”

My friends, the answer to all three questions depends on how you feel about the face smiling back at you. My hope is that this time we’ve spent together has increased your ability to think well of yourself because wellness begins with you.

Daily Challenge

Read the above post, follow the exercise and ask yourself the questions. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and many will be out showing their adoration for their significant others. On this special day dedicated to the celebration of love: do something you’ve likely never done before… start with yourself first.

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Certified Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

You’ve just finished your date, interview, business meeting or lunch with friends. What a huge success! You were on your game, saying all the right things and interacting in all the right ways. You’re mentally giving yourself a huge pat on the back… when you happen to glance in a mirror and see it. There’s something in your teeth. Is that parsley? Oh no! You’ve been flashing your pearly whites with perfect confidence, all the while being completely oblivious to the blatantly bright green thing wedged between your two front teeth. That thrilling feeling of social superiority has taken a nose-dive, crashing in a sickening feeling of supreme mortification.

If this has ever happened to you, you’ve likely wondered, “How did I not see that?” Sometimes our social faux pas are extremely obvious to others… while remaining oblivious to ourselves. Another fair question might be, “Why didn’t anyone tell me?” Perhaps you’ve been on the other side of the table. Someone is happily chatting away and you notice some slightly embarrassing piece of food in their teeth. You don’t want to embarrass them so you simply allow them to go on. I’ve certainly had both happen to me. I once did an entire hour-long appointment with a patient and family and upon returning to my office saw a large, black mascara streak under my eye, mimicking a football player about to hit the field. Ugh.

It’s the second to last day of our 30 Day Wellness Challenge and, don’t worry, I haven’t chosen to spend it highlighting simple hygiene. The reflection of such experiences brings up an interesting and thought-provoking question for each of us: Is there something unsightly in your daily interactions with friends, family or co-workers that you’re not seeing? Is that “social parsley” glaringly obvious to others but oblivious to yourself?

Dr. Tom Brunner, psychologist, counselor and consultant, refers to these unpleasant traits as “personality derailers”— and chew on this:

Just 2% of a person’s personality that is unpleasant can undermine the other 98% of their make-up that is positive and good.

Think about it. Have you ever said, “I really like (insert name) except they are so ______.” That one personality trait skews the potential for trust, interaction or enjoyment in your relationship with them. The sad part is, if you’ve noticed, likely so has someone else. Unfortunately, this person continues flashing their “social parsley” all over town without the slightest idea of their conspicuous being conspicious. Dr. Brunner discusses ten of these character flaws, all summarized below. As you read about each, pull out your personal mirror and take a good look— are any of these stuck in your teeth?

Enviousness: You aren’t truly happy for others’ success, and often try to match their accomplishments in an endless game of “Keeping up with the Joneses”.

Defensiveness: You are unwilling or reactive to accept corrections or criticism. As Dr. Brunner says, “Generally hypersensitive people don’t mature- they just grow old.”

Aloofness: Your cold and distant behaviors preclude others from being influenced or inspired by your positive qualities.

Volatility: You are overly emotional, thriving on attention and being unable to focus on anyone other than yourself.

Eccentricity: You may be successful at making the group laugh but your idiosyncrasies often stand in the way of progress and deeper relationships

Entitlement: An epidemic in society— you believe you deserve everything you want or receive.

Unreliability: You are unpredictable, not trustworthy and few people confide in you.

Eagerness to please: Your desire to please often drowns out your honest opinion. This suppression of true feelings can build up and spontaneously combust at times.

Moral scrupulousness: No one person or act escapes your critical eye. Your greatest example is yourself.

Deconstructive comments: A superfluous amount of sarcastic and cutting remarks cause people to avoid interactions with you and prevent meaningful relationships.

Did you feel some uncomfortable self-awareness gnawing at you as you read this? If so, did you ask yourself, “Why didn’t anyone tell me?” Your friends, family members, coworkers and acquaintances may tell you when you have something in your teeth but will likely hesitate when it comes to personality derailers.

It is usually embarrassing at first, for both parties, to draw attention to the unattractive. However, it is far better to know and correct the behavior than continue unknowingly deterring people and relationships. This is why this post is so important— not so you will have permission to inform everyone of their flaws but rather, that you may gather the courage to genuinely ask those most familiar to you, what character flaws you might remove with a little social cleaning.

In order to do this successfully, one very critical participant must also be present: humility. Do not, I repeat, do not ask someone for their feedback regarding your personality and character if you are not prepared to receive an honest answer. This is why I recommend you take time to consider and only ask three people that you truly care for and hold in high-esteem. These people likely have similar feelings towards you and your request for their honest feedback is more inclined to come with constructive and quality criticism cushioned between expressions of love and admiration.

I’ve purposefully saved this self-discovery post to be one of the last. Why? Because it is likely one of the most exposing, yet effective, exercises you’ve been challenged to do. This one takes a kind of courage most of us shun like the plague: vulnerability.

As Brene Brown once said, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they are never weakness.” 

This leads to my ultimate question: Do you have the strength of character to open wide and inquire about your own “social parsley”?

Daily Challenge

Take some time to select three people whose opinions you deeply respect and who have a good understanding of who you are as a person. Once you’ve chosen them, find time to talk with each individually where neither of you are stressed and you are both without time constraints. Be genuine in your request to them regarding your desire to improve your personality and correct flaws to which you may be unaware. When this person you love provides feedback, your job is twofold: listen and learn. Do not justify your actions or become defensive— remember that you initiated this conversation. When finished, write down your feelings regarding the feedback you’ve received. Think of ways you might start removing your own “social parsley”. Make a commitment to yourself and keep it. As you do, your only future surprise in your reflection will be the strength of character smiling back at you.

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Certified Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

• “We love to laugh
• Loud and long and clear
• We love to laugh
• So ev’rybody can hear
• The more you laugh
• The more you fill with glee
• And the more the glee
• The more we’re a merrier we
• The more I’m a merrier me!”

They’re popular lyrics from the beloved children’s classic, Mary Poppins. But is there truth behind this silly song? We may not be floating around the ceiling as Uncle Albert does in this particular scene, but there are several reasons why laughing makes our spirits go sky high.

We’ve all experienced a down moment or day when laughter has lightened our mood. However, “getting your guffaw on” does more than just provide temporary comic relief. A recent study completed with 60 and 70 year olds, evaluated humor’s effect on both stress and short-term memory. One group was asked to sit silently without reading, talking or using their cell phones. The other group watched funny videos. After 20 minutes, saliva samples were taken from both groups before giving a short memory test.

Those that viewed funny videos not only had lower cortisol (the stress hormone) but they were more than twice as likely (43.6%) to recall correctly compared to the group that sat silently (20.3%).

What exactly happens when we laugh? Once passing your ears, that punch line ignites the centers in the brain for higher thought, muscle function and emotion. Facial muscles suddenly begin to spontaneously contract. Your diaphragm and chest muscles tighten, forcing air out of your lungs with a big “whoosh” while your vocal cords vibrate to emit short “ha ha has”. The sudden exit of air from the lungs increases your heart rate and blood pressure, as oxygen is sent to your organs. If it’s really funny (or just about every time if your name is Michael Mansfield) your eyes may start to water. Aside from your face and stomach muscles, the rest of your body becomes weaker and more relaxed. Hormonally, endorphins are released— the same ones released when exercising— providing an over all lowering in the body’s stress response. This comedic chain reaction is shown to be contagious as well. This uncontrollable spread of snickers is thought to be an early bonding mechanism, meaning those you laugh with, you’re more likely to share a deeper emotional connection. An entire physiological reaction automatically activated with one wisecrack— no wonder that giggle feels so good!

“Laughter is the best medicine”— is it possibly more than a common phrase? We’ve already learned the short-term benefits of laughter, including organ stimulation, improved short-term memory and a reduction in stress response and tension (which can last for up to 45 minutes after the funny has finished, by the way). But if you thought a short chuckle was no more than a quick pick-me-up, you’ll want to stock up on your comics, because laughter has some remarkable long-term benefits as well.

Improved Immune System

In a 2006 research study at Loma Linda University in Califormia, it was found that two hormones—beta-endorphins (which alleviate depression) and human growth hormone (HGH, which helps with immunity) increased by 27 and 87 percent respectively when volunteers anticipated watching a funny video. Simply thinking about the chance to chuckle, boosted health-protecting hormones and chemicals! In a separate study at Arkansas Tech University, 21 fifth graders participated in a humor program resulting in a rise in immunoglobin levels increasing their ability to fight viruses and foreign cells.

Relieves Pain

If you’ve seen the movie Patch Adams, the story of a doctor with a passion for making children with chronic disease chuckle, you may wonder about the science behind such antics. Wonder no more. The credit goes again to endorphins that produce a natural “high”— similar to the effect of the drug heroin—with pain-killing and euphoria-producing effects. At Natchaug Hospital in Mansfield Center, Connecticut, post-surgical patients were told one-liners prior to administration of potentially painful medication. The patients exposed to humor perceived less pain as compared to patients who didn’t receive humor stimuli. This pain was also found to be dose-related in another study— meaning the more laughter, the less pain later. These studies are no joke and “laughter rooms” are popping up in hospitals across the country.

Today you’ve got the green light to laugh it up— but don’t do it alone— include your lover in the hilarity. According to DailyMail, laughing together is an essential ingredient for couple happiness. Couples who were married for a minimum of 45 years reported “a sense of humor” to be among the top three reasons behind their relationship success— so the greatest benefit of a good belly laugh may just be in its ability to bind two people together. Go ahead and “bahaha” and “LOL”— funny has never felt so good!

Daily Challenge

Look up the top 10 best “I Love Lucy” episodes, tell Laffy Taffy jokes, find some Family Circus comics or simply sit nose-to-nose making silly faces to see who can go the longest without breaking into snorts and snickers.

If you’re looking for some comedic inspiration, I’m sharing with you my favorite bit by the beloved comedian, Brian Reagan. This spot on going to the emergency room shows there is humor to be had in just about any situation!

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Certified Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and with it comes mounds of chocolate-covered confections and boxes of cutely colored hearts bolded with “Be Mine” messages. These treats, occasionally accompanied by flowers and jewelry (for those extra lucky girls!) are common offerings given to those most dear on this special day to express our deepest love and devotion.

Culturally, we are a people who celebrate with food. Emotions and eating are closely tied to the experience of the holidays. Think of just about any holiday and you’ll quickly be able to name a treat that comes along with it. Much joy and happiness comes with these special indulgences…and I’d take no issue with them if they were limited to that: indulgences. However, sugar does not just make its appearance on special occasions or simply to mark birthdays and big events. It is added, mixed, chewed, baked, sipped and swallowed every day in far too much excess for our bodies to handle healthily.

The average American eats 32 teaspoons of added sugar daily— over three times the recommended amount.

We are far beyond the saying “a little sugar never hurt anyone” as 75% of Americans are overweight and almost half of those are obese. Perhaps even more alarming is these statistics aren’t limited to just adults— one third of children, ages 6 to 19, are also overweight or obese. We are a sugar-obsessed society and are quite literally sweetening ourselves to the point of sickness. You want to talk sugar shock?

One in three Americans are projected to have diabetes by 2050.

One in three! If a third of Americans were to contract some deadly disease in the next few decades, you can bet it would raise red flags, turn heads and stop people short in their tracks. Yet, sugar has been presented to be innocuous for so long that it begs the question, “Are we frogs slowly being boiled to death in our own sugar-watered pots”?

I know, I know. Who invited me to this party? I may not be patty-caking around this epidemic of an issue, but don’t distress thinking I’m only here to rain on your dessert parade. I, myself, have a sweet tooth of vampiric proportions and often crave that sugary bite. This is why I present to you the “good, better, best” concept. Do I think it would be “best” if we could eliminate 100% of refined sugars from our diets— definitely! Do I think this is realistic? Absolutely not.

Instead, the “better” is waiting below: 4 delectable desserts that will still satisfy your sweet tooth while remaining refined sugar free. As I often tell my friends when they talk about the daily difficulties of making wise eating choices, life is about balance. We can’t always make the “best” diet decisions but we can certainly celebrate in making the “better” ones!

Below you’ll find four “better” tasty alternatives to sweeten your Valentine’s Day in a much more natural way. Nothing says “I love you” quite like the commitment to care for your body for all the years of life and love to come!

Chocolate Avocado Pudding

An all-time favorite of mine, don’t be deceived by the avocado, which makes this pudding thick and delicious. No green flavor or color here—simply cold and creamy chocolate! Pair with fresh raspberries for one of the most classically delicious couplings of all time.

Find my favorite version of this recipe at Fearless Homemaker.

Vanilla Coconut Macaroons

An absolute coconut craze, these macaroons are melt-in-your-mouth amazing. You won’t believe they only have 5 ingredients and come together as quick as they do. No cooking-required either, making each bite even more raw-some!

Find this recipe at My Whole Food Habit.

Peanut Butter Freezer Fudge

If I’m a girl that likes one thing, it’s a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. But with 21 grams of added sugar, I’d have almost maxed out my entire day’s worth (25 grams for women) by consuming a single serving. Thank heaven for peanut butter freezer fudge! If you like chocolate and peanut butter, you’ll go nuts for this knock-off.

Find this recipe at My Whole Food Habit.

Blueberry Peach Cobbler 

Few things say “comfort” quite like cobbler. It’s hard to imagine you could make such a warm dessert without the white stuff but this dessert proves dreams do indeed come true! Not only is this baked treat free of all refined sugars, it is impressively grain-free as well for all those gluten-free lovers among you.

Find this recipe at My Whole Food Habit.

**If you’re looking for an incredible documentary on sugar and its dangerous infiltration into the American diet, I encourage you to watch Fed Up for an absolutely eye-opening experience.**

Daily Challenge

This year celebrate love by loving your health! Choose one of the four tasty alternative desserts listed above to sweeten your day in a guilt-free way.

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Certified Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

It was early March 2012. I remember because it was less than a year after I received my doctorate. I was 24 years old and had received quite a bit of positive reinforcement for this feat in my life. So much, in fact, that I had unwittingly planted the seeds of my self worth and life purpose in this pot called “professional pursuit”.

It was likely for this reason that less than a year after graduating and working in my field, I found myself kneeling beside my bed one morning staring into the nothingness of the blue pattern on my bedspread. A fresh day with infinite possibilities lay before me…and all I felt was dread. How could this be? I’d spent eight years of energy dedicated to a degree I fully believed I desired. I was earning more money than I’d ever made in my entire life and had all the letters behind my name that the world told me meant something. So why the emptiness? I believed in my professional pursuits but there I was envying the fulfillment I’d felt as a poor and largely-uneducated senior leaving high school all those years ago.

I impulsively pulled a piece of paper from my bedside table and drew a large circle in the center. I haphazardly began slicing this pie until I was left with 24 equal pieces: 24 hours mapped out before me. They come each day this way, blank and fresh with opportunity— accumulating hour by hour, day by day to create the weeks, months and years that we call “life”. I had been struck with the desire, or more accurately a driving need, to know how I was accounting for mine.

So I began filling them in. Like a child, I furiously counted and colored how I was allocating my time. It was easier than I’d imagined, as I suddenly realized I primarily did the exact same thing every day. When I finally put down my last colored pencil, I leaned back and looked down at my project. There was something quite elementary in its conception yet extremely poignant in its message. As I stared at it, I scrawled “My Life Balance” across the top, although that’s far from what I saw before me.

Areas, that had in the past, filled my life with immense meaning were suddenly slivers on my circle– or even worse in the case of “service for others”, nonexistent. In my quest to obtain intelligence, I’d sacrificed things more dear, not the least of which was my own spirituality. I’d even allowed other areas of intellectual wellness such as creativity, passion and time management to be suffocated by my hyper focus on career and education. It was no wonder I was leaving my house every morning with the acute sensation that I was walking lopsided through life.

Time is a precious resource. Not just the investment of it in simple seconds but the purpose behind each second spent.

Stephen R. Covey talks in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People about the principle of “beginning with the end in mind”. He explains how easy it is to get caught up in the busyness of life, working hard to climb the ladder of “success”, only to discover the ladder has been leaning against the wrong wall. What a powerful metaphor. What ladder are you scrambling up? More importantly, do you know on which wall it leans?

Although that moment three years ago initially struck me with great sadness, it was a springboard into massive transformation. I ended up leaving my current place of employment and found a position in the same field, but focused on pediatrics— which was my underlying passion in selecting my career from the start. With this change came a move to a new state, introducing me to a variety of new individuals, some of which are among the most important people in my life today. They’ve unknowingly helped me rediscover my spirit and purpose through their questions, interests and examples. Others have introduced me to a whole new way of physical wellness that led me to be typing these words for you today. In essence, my simple exercise that day opened my eyes to an essential truth. I don’t believe I can summarize it better than Dolly Parton when she said the following:

“Don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.”

Daily Challenge

Today I invite you to discover which wall your ladder is leaning against.  I am providing the graphic; you provide the colored pencils.  This chart is a visual representation of the 24 hours in a day.  Your challenge is to diagram how you’re spending yours.  When the chart is complete, step back, take a look and ask yourself these questions:  If I repeat this day week after week, month after month, year after year, will I reach the place I want to be? Is this the wall I want to climb?  Be honest with yourself so your next step can be one of steadiness as you ascend the ladder leading to a more fulfilling life.

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About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Certified Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

So, you’re curious. Detoxification. It’s an appealing concept, this cleansing your body of impurities and resetting your health habits. That is, until you realize it’s 7 days of straight juicing or weeks of raw veggies. If you’ve looked into a traditional cleanse, only to end up covered in Oreo crumbs at the idea of such a daunting task, you’re not alone. But who says a detox has to be this way? If you’re eager to reset your habits or simply craving a break from all the junk… Detox Day to the rescue! Think of it as a Sunday for your insides: one day for your body to rest from the work of breaking down all that was consumed the rest of the week… a 24 hour commitment to delicious and nutritious whole food.

De-What?

Detox, short for “detoxification”, is not a modern-day invention or new health fad. Detoxifications have been used for centuries in Ayurvedic and Chinese medicine. Simply put, detoxification is the process of resting, cleaning, and nourishing the body from the inside out. Most often, we can accomplish this through our diet by eliminating harmful foods while feeding our bodies essential, healthy nutrients.

How Toxic Are You?

Shampoo, deodorant, beauty products, toothpaste, laundry detergent, coffee and even the food we eat are often filled with a variety of harmful chemicals. Before we even leave our house in the morning we have likely already inhaled, swallowed and absorbed numerous toxins. Even when we aren’t exposed to them directly, toxins can be created in our bodies when we experience anxiety or stress. Easy to enter but not quick to exit. Toxins can store themselves in our fat cells and build up over time. This accumulation of harmful substances is referred to as “body burden” and may lead to a variety of illnesses. Learn more about the signs and symptoms of toxicity as well as reasons to detox here.

Detox Benefits

Upon completing my first detox, I felt fantastic. Like a slate wiped clean with a considerable reduction or elimination of my personal health woes. This process propelled me into a new lifestyle focused on organic living and whole foods. (Click here to see more of my incredible experience). Some benefits you may experience through detoxification may include:

-Boost in energy

-Weight loss

-Immune system support

-Clearer skin

-Better Breath

-Clearer thinking

– Reduced headaches

-Healthier hair

-“Lighter” feeling

-Jumpstart to healthy-lifestyle changes

Introducing Detox Day

Wondering where to begin? I’ve made it easy to get started with a handy infographic. Click HERE for my Detox Day Infographic containing one day’s worth of delicious, detox-approved recipes to get you started over.

Toxin-Free Tips

1. Learn more about the toxins we consume through pesticides on our food. Make wiser choices in the produce aisle using my “Dirty Dozen/Clean Fifteen” list that shows you which foods are most important to buy organic and which can be bought conventional to stay on a budget.

2. When you can’t buy organic, try using an all-natural fruit & vegetable wash (I’ve used this one in the past). Often available in the produce aisle, these are simple to use and help remove harmful toxins from produce before eating.

3. Look for all-natural alternatives to your everyday products. A variety of chemical-free options for toothpaste, house cleaners, detergents and makeup are available from brands like Tom’s, Seventh Generation and The Honest Company.

Daily Challenge

With your partner, pick one day (it’s only 24 hours) to give your bodies a well-deserved break. There’s nothing to fear. And who knows where it will lead you? Each health journey starts the same way… with ONE day. Make yours a Detox Day!

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About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Certified Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

I’ve talked a lot in the last 30 days about how our minds shape our bodies… but what about when you need your body to shape your mind?

We’ve all been there– facing the demons of intimidation daunting us from doing something we really desire. Interviews, social interactions, public speaking, promotions, try-outs, tests… kicking the voice that says “we can’t” is difficult to do.

Unless, all along we’ve been sapping our own inner strength without even knowing it.

Get ready to learn about two minutes that can truly change your confidence for life. Because we all need to unleash a little power sometimes, and yours has been patiently waiting where you least expected it… in your posture.

Daily Challenge

All those times you’ve dreamed of being the superhero and today, science is giving you the go ahead. So shake off that confidence cape because we’re about to power pose!

Snag your sidekick (cause every hero is more powerful with a partner!) and find a mirror where you can watch your transformation come to life. Stand side by side, hands on the hips, legs spread wide and chins up. Be large and in charge— you’re Superman and Wonder Woman! You may feel silly standing so confidently but don’t shy from the sight of your own strength. Just two minutes spent striking this pose and you’ll walk away with lower stress levels and a huge increase in your confidence.

So do it while you wait for the water to warm for your morning shower, in the bathroom before a big interview, as you leave to take that intimidating test or even when you just desire a boost of determination to face the day. Every hero has a secret superpower… and yours is the power pose!

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Certified Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” – Winston Churchill

The holiday season has recently twinkled to a close and memories of glittering packages under shining trees still lie fresh in our minds. As children, there is often nothing more exciting then opening our own presents on Christmas morning. However, as we grow, we reach the age where giving a gift miraculously becomes more thrilling than receiving one. There are few things as satisfying as seeing joy light up a loved one’s face while opening your offering to them. Science has shown that this “warm, fuzzy feeling” experienced from giving is actually a physiological response to service.

One study completed by Dr. Jordan Grafman showed that the same pleasure center that lights up when you’re having sex or eating chocolate is activated when extending charity. This discovery was made by placing subjects inside a functional MRI (fMRI) scanner and providing them a long list of charities. They were given the option for each to donate money, refuse donation, or add money to a separate reward account that they could take home at the end of the study. Not only did researchers observe an activation of the brain’s pleasure center when people gave something away but also a spot of stimulation in the frontal lobe. This small area that reacted turned out to be the receptor site for oxytocin— a hormone that promotes social bonding. This suggests there is a strong link between selflessness and social connection.

These studies show that hospitality and happiness are innately interwoven. Americans who describe themselves as “very happy” volunteer an average of 5.8 hours per month. Those who are “unhappy”? Just 0.6 hours. Polls of people in giving relationships focused hospitality were much more likely to be in excellent health (48 percent) versus those who are not (31 percent).

These results regarding human nature, along with the phenomenon that links giving to gain, is quite remarkable.

It defies the idea that as humans, we are naturally selfish.

Does anyone else feel an increase of hope for mankind in this? I do. It’s comforting to know generosity is much more than a moral philosophy. We are hard-wired to want to give. Humanity desires to extend a hand, and in so doing, receives an intrinsic reward of increased happiness and health.

Daily Challenge

Yesterday we talked about how “Less is More”. Today is a perfect day to put this principle into action. We all have excess… so let’s be “excessively” generous. All those extra clothes lying around in your closet, canned food cluttering your pantry, the fiver tucked in your purse, the ten minutes you spend on Facebook during lunch time… give it up. You won’t miss the extra and the extended generosity provides a gain that’s guaranteed to outlive the give.

To kick off the giving, I’ve decided to do a little giveaway of my own!

Today I’m giving a favorite: The S’well reusable, insulated water bottle that was highlighted during Day 13’s High on Hydration post. Just as a refresher (no pun intended), this stainless steel bottle keep drinks cold for 24 hours and hot for 12— all with zero condensation. Retailing at $25, this S’well 9 oz bottle in Birchwood is hand painted with wood design in a smooth matte finish— it’s one-of-a-kind!

To enter the giveaway you must do all of the following:

1. Like My Whole Food Habit on Facebook (click here).
2. Share the “Give to Get” post from My Whole Food Habit’s Facebook page.
3. When sharing the “Give to Get” post, name one thing you’ll give to someone else today. 

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Certified Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

Less is more. It’s a theme I mentioned at the beginning and tried to weave throughout this wellness challenge. We’ve experimented with less complicated workouts, less negativity and less ingredients. Today I will explain why this concept is so critical. Let me illustrate using a story about one of my favorite things: Chocolate.

Imagine you and your partner have just sat down at a table. Across from you sits a man and he has a wonderful offering. A piece of the finest chocolate money can buy. You are each given a piece of this delectable confection to enjoy. After you’ve finished your indulgence, the man turns to you and tells you that for the next week, you must abstain from any and all chocolate. Next, he turns to your partner and out of his pocket pulls a two pound bag of the rich chocolate pieces. He informs your partner that the entire bag is free-game; they may eat as much of it as possible or desired. Off you go. One week later you both return. You sit down at the table and the man smiles as he, again, offers you the same piece of chocolate as he did previously. You and your partner both take your bites… and enjoy. Or do you? I’ll let you guess— which do you think savored and appreciated that small morsel of chocolate more?

If you guess yourself, the one who ate far less chocolate throughout the week, then you’d be right. Wait, if indulgence is satisfying, then shouldn’t an abundance be even more so? Isn’t that what is preached in today’s world— the more the better?

The above story is actually a synopsis of a 2013 study completed by Jordi Quoidbach. His findings were just as you likely predicted. Participants had a significant drop in the positive affect and savoring a week after they’d received abundant excess to this previously desirable dessert.

This isn’t the case with just chocolate. In a study of half a million Americans, Princeton researchers found that although people living in the middle class had improved mood over those living in poverty, this increase in happiness completely stopped after an annual income of $75,000. Another landmark study of lottery winners showed that those “lucky people”, we often dream of being, were less impressed by life’s simple pleasures than those who experienced no such fortuitous fortune. These were people that won between $50,000 and $1,000,000!

Wealth (whether chocolate, money or anything material) grants us the opportunity to own more while it simultaneously impairs our ability to enjoy those things. This is a profound concept.

Have you ever seen someone with far less than you that was more completely content with their share? Nine years ago I spent a month in Africa working with the Care for Life foundation. We went into orphanages and worked with children, teaching hygiene, life skills and occasionally bringing gum and games. What always astounded me as a 20 year-old young woman was the juxtaposition of such unrestricted joy in the presence of such extreme poverty. One night I saw child after child assembly-lined for their nightly bath (which was a cursory wipe down) following which both boys and girls were quickly dressed with a random t-shirt pulled from a large basket. Each complied and scooted off in their eclectic and threadbare clothing to sleep in a massive room with hundreds (yes, hundreds) of other children. Yet, on the whole, these children were happy. They sang, danced and oh, what a sight it was to behold the bliss that came from one small piece of Double Bubble gum. That night while watching their bedtime routine, I remember thinking to myself, “If you can’t be happy with the life you have now, Megan.You never will be.” I recognized something paramount that evening:

Having more in life was making me less happy to live it.

Are you feeling disenchanted with life, daydreaming of the “if/then” scenarios of the future that often cloud the comfort of the current? Stop. Don’t fall prey to the pipe dream that prompts you to want more of what you don’t have while stealing pleasure from what you do. Perhaps it is time for us to stop endlessly seeking and start fully savoring.

Daily Challenge

If you wanted to lose weight during this 30 Day Challenge, you’re about to. This weight loss may not appear on the scale but it most assuredly will lighten the soul.

It’s time to get real. Let’s expose the lies and illusions that suggest excess equals happiness. To do this, sit down with your partner and brainstorm three things that you wish you had more of in your life (this should be easy for most of us). Write them down if you like. More money, more confidence and more rest are some examples. Now I want you to think of what I’m calling the “less alternative” for each, as I’ve done below:

More money/Less spending

More confidence/Less comparison

More rest/Less anxiety

Less spending, less comparison and less anxiety– all of which would most certainly lead to a more fulfilling life. With your partner, map out ways you may either appreciate or put into action these “less alternatives”. As you do these things, you will learn the secret Socrate’s taught, “…Happiness is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less.”

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About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Certified Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

• The 5 Principles of the Tao of Dating
  • The Principle of Abundance
    Don’t think scarcity
  • Be. Do. Have.
    Be the kind of person. Do the kind of things. Have what you want.
  • Enlightened Self-Interest
    Good decision making = The decision that serves the most amount of people for the longest amount of time. How do you fill your life with the things and people that will have positive long-term effects on you.
  • Yin Yang
    You must have polarity in your relationships. Masculine and feminine. Giving and receiving. Different roles are essential to a dynamic relationship.
  • Get Out of Your Own Way
    Often times the only thing standing in the way of what you want is you.
• The power women have to bring light into a relationship, act as a goddess, and inspire men.
• By mentally wishing happiness upon others, you can completely change your neurology. “May you be happy.”
• The gift of appreciation and gratitude will make others feel valued and give you power in your relationships.
• The men determine the direction of the relationship. The women determine the depth.
• How meditation will transform your life and your relationships. “Bring your mind back from distraction.”
• The destructive notion of Soulmates.
• A great way to tell whether or not you’re a good fit for the person you’re with is to notice what kind of person you become when you’re around the other person.
• The Magic Question – What’s important to you about that?
• We also reference Gary Chapman in this interview. You can find his interview here.

Remember that in life, everything that you want is outside of your comfort zone. Because if something is inside your comfort zone, it’s either something you already have or something so trivial as to be undesirable: you don’t want something you already have. So in order to get what you want but don’t yet have, you have no choice but to venture outside of your comfort zone.
-Dr. Ali Binazir

Pop Quiz! Topic: Protein.

Answer the following questions to see how your protein IQ adds up:

Time’s up! Pencils down. How did you do? Read below to find out if you’re a protein professor or if we need to “meat” for a little tutoring on the subject.

What Is Protein?

Proteins are the main building blocks of our body.  Muscle, hair, tissue and skin are all made up primarily of protein. Almost every cell in the body contains some portion of protein in its makeup, which our bodies constantly use to make enzymes, hormones, neurotransmitters and even DNA. Pretty important stuff, this protein!

Protein is made up of smaller molecules called amino acids. (#1 Answer: C). There are 20 different amino acids. Some of these amino acids cannot be produced by the body and therefore, can only be received through what you eat. They are referred to as “essential” because it is essential your body receive these from diet.

This leads us to “complete” and “incomplete” proteins. A complete protein (sometimes referred to as high-quality protein) is one that provides all of the essential amino acids. Many animal-based foods are considered complete such as meat, fish, milk, eggs and cheese. An incomplete protein is one that is low in one or more essential amino acids. Two incomplete proteins can be eaten together to create what is called a “complementary protein”, or one that contains all the essential amino acids.

How Much Protein Do I Need?

This is a common question among health-aspirers. Consuming appropriate amounts of protein is crucial for weight loss, energy levels, muscle building and an overall healthy body. The Center for Disease Control recommends no more than 35% of your daily calories come from protein (#2 Answer: B). People hitting this percentage were shown to have a boost in metabolism— burning up to 80 to 100 more calories per day compared to those with lower protein diets. For all those wanting an exact number, this is roughly 46 grams of protein daily for women and 56 grams for men (#4 Answer: A). However, as we are all unique, it is always best to calculate your recommended protein intake based on your own body weight. The method often used by nutritionists is to multiply your weight in pounds by .36 to receive your daily minimum protein need. For example, a 140 lb woman should consume about 50 grams of protein daily.

Keep in mind that your protein needs change with your lifestyle. Athletes, for example, require more protein as their body burns through this nutrient. In the case of pregnant women, the Institute of Medicine recommends the minimum protein consumption be increased by about 10 grams daily (#3 Answer: False)

Where Do I Get Protein?

We know what protein is and how much we need… now where do we get it? Whether carnivore or vegetarian, you can receive adequate protein through your diet. All it takes is a little knowledge and some creativity. Most of us have little idea of the protein make-up of the foods we eat daily. Yes, we all know meat is a good source. However, do you know which meats have more protein per serving? Would you be surprised to learn that certain foods like cottage cheese pack a whopping 24 grams of protein per serving? Compare this to sliced turkey breast which contains only 13 grams per serving (#5 Answer: True). To get an idea of how your favorite foods stack up, check out this handy chart:

It’s important to keep in mind, my little mathematicians, our earlier lesson on complete versus incomplete proteins. Just because food contains more grams of protein per serving doesn’t make it complete in the sense of its nutrient make-up. This means as you tally up proteins to hit your target, make sure you’re selecting ones with the essential amino acids needed for a healthy body. Most meats, fish, poultry, cheese, eggs, yogurt and milk are complete proteins which means they contain all the necessary amino acids. Incomplete protein examples are grains, nuts, beans, seeds and peas. This doesn’t mean you should lay off the latter—in fact, I’m a huge proponent of plant-based protein! A recommendation is to get a healthy balance of both plant and animal-based protein. However, if you choose not to eat any meat in your diet, make sure you’re eating a combination of plant-based proteins that create a complete, or complementary protein (learn more about how to do this here). In doing so, you’ll ensure you receive all those necessary building blocks needed to better keep your body going strong.

Daily Challenge

Whether you aced the answers or got schooled in the protein pop quiz, now is the time to put all your newfound knowledge into action.

Sit down with your significant other and do the simple calculation to determine your daily protein needs (your body weight in pounds multiplied by .36). Once you both have your number, write it on a piece of paper and put it on your fridge. For one day, each of you calculate your protein intake. You may use a chart like the one found here or free apps like My Fitness Pal to calculate the protein content of common foods. Report to each other at the end of the day. Were either of you close? Were you perhaps getting too little or even too much? What types and quality of protein do you each typically eat?

Use today’s simple lesson in protein to create personal goals and make wiser selections in the future. I promise your body will thank you for the education. After all, knowledge—and protein—are power!

Find my family’s favorite protein-packed recipe, Mustard and Sage Marinated Chicken, at My Whole Food Habit.

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About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Certified Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

Have you ever seen a magic trick? Whether sophisticated with lights and smoke or simple sleight of hand— it’s an act that leaves your mouth open with awe and your mind pricked with enchantment. It’s the reaction we have when we observe something truly extraordinary.

When I was about 13 years old, my family and I were spending a vacation in St. Augustine, Florida. My family frequents this beautiful city quite often and this time we were in old town treating ourselves to the classiest of breakfasts… Denny’s. My memory of that particular vacation comes with fuzzy edges but one interaction that day in a diner comes clear as glass to my consciousness.

We had recently been seated and were perusing our choices amongst “Grand Slams” and “Moon’s Over My Hammy” (my sister’s favorite) when our waitress approached. She was an ordinary woman, nice-enough in appearance, likely aged in her mid to late 30’s. A majority of us rattled off our orders without much attention to her, beyond the typical niceties you exchange with your waitress.

After completing our order, my dad did something he frequently does (which often embarrassed my three teenage siblings and me). He started engaging the waitress in conversation. All I could think about from my self-absorbed teenage perspective was the delay in my pancakes. Yet, clearly my father paid no mind as he smiled at her somewhat surprised look by the expression of personal interest. He started with something simple, “How long have you worked here?” and “Do you enjoy it?” As appreciation for individual recognition began to spread across her countenance, they (my mom, dad and this woman) began discussing deeper matters of life.

I stared on from my seat near the end of the table with incredulous curiosity. The waitress was a single mother and she had recently moved to St. Augustine with her daughter. Her daughter was Deaf and they’d moved to the area so she could attend the Florida School for the Deaf and Blind. As she talked about her daughter, her love and dedication was palpable. This was further evidenced by the fact that she took a job at Denny’s in order to provide the best education possible for her daughter.

Our meal progressed but every time she returned, my father inquired more about her life. At one point I actually remember them discussing religion. Was my dad really talking about God with a stranger in a breakfast chain? Yes, he was. Although, she wasn’t a stranger anymore. Now she was Tracy. She was an individual. A person with family, responsibilities and beliefs. When my father left that day, I happened to glance down and see the tip he wrote on the check. Math was always my worst subject but it wasn’t hard to tell the amount was far beyond that of our six meals.

My dad saw my stare and smiled at me. He put his arm around me and started talking about Tracy, her daughter who was Deaf and the amazing opportunities she would have at the Florida School for the Deaf and Blind. My mind was still processing all that I’d observed while he steered me towards our car. My dad didn’t explain or broadcast, he just smiled in a way that seemed to say, “We all need a little kindness sometimes.” One of the last things I remember him saying to me as we left the parking lot was, “Wouldn’t it be great if one day you could help the Deaf?”

Kindness. I’d seen it modeled and discussed countless times growing up. Yet, this moment struck me and left its mark on the impressionable youth I was. What my father prized more than his vacation, breakfast, time or money… was people. It left me wide-eyed and open mouthed as though I’d just observed a magician pulling a rabbit from a black hat.

And just like all great magic, it planted a seed of intrigue in my heart. “Wouldn’t it be great if one day you could help the Deaf?”

Eleven years later, I became an audiologist.

Daily Challenge

We all need a little kindness sometimes. The remarkable thing about when we extend this magical act of humanity is that it often comes back to us like a boomerang, benefitting our life more than we ever could imagine when releasing it. Watch this five minute clip, Kindness Boomerang, to see the remarkable ripple effect that can follow one simple act. Afterwards, pick one way you will show kindness today. If you’re seeking inspiration, check out the following 101 easy ideas for random acts of kindness. Go ahead, throw it out there— then let the magic happen as it all comes back to you.

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About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Certified Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

Happy Groundhog Day!

Today is the day folklore says the groundhog will emerge from his burrow to tell us if spring will come early or if six more weeks of winter await. Based on this day that the 1993 film, Groundhog Day, was made. This comedy (one of my brother-in-law’s all time favorites) follows Bill Murray, a weatherman, as he finds himself living the same day over and over again. If you haven’t had the pleasure of seeing it or simply want to enjoy it again, watch this short clip of Bill Murray waking to realize he’s doing and experiencing the same activities and interactions as he did the day before.

Do you ever have a similar experience where you feel like you’re going crazy doing the same thing day in and day out? Groundhog Day is cute and comical but a valuable wellness principle lies within.

Every day we complete countless repetitive activities which make up “our routine”. Think about your morning alone. I almost always follow the same pattern: in waking, showering, dressing and getting out the door to work.

Our brain hardwires these repetitive actions and our body obeys. Ever arrive at work only to wonder how you got there? By car, train, foot or bus— if you travel the same route regularly, your brain becomes bored and devotes little attention or thought into the step-by-step actions needed for your arrival. This is why you may sometimes turn on the wrong street or drive to the wrong store, simply out of habit. Your brain registers this regularity and almost robotically completes the action for you.

So what happens to our brain when it’s not bored? Did you know that when novelty is introduced into your day, you have an actual physiological response to this newness? There is a place in our midbrain called substantial nigra/ventral segmental area… or for us mere mortals, the “novelty center”. This center is also closely linked to areas of the brain responsible for memory and learning. In a study called the “oddball experiment”, researchers used fMRI to monitor brain responses when random introductions of new images were presented in a stream of the same photos.

Results of this experiment showed that the brain does indeed respond to novelty.  In the presence of new stimuli, the brain releases dopamine— a feel good neurotransmitter. Dopamine is often referred to as the “reward chemical”. However, more recent research suggests it actually causes the mind to to seek rewards rather than being a reward itself. This means as dopamine is released, you receive an increase in motivation to explore and experience more. Simultaneously,  learning and memory centers are engaged that enhance our abilities to complete these tasks. In the study, the more novel the image, the greater the reaction was observed within the brain.

As humans we crave novelty. We were created this way.

Yet, most days we are engaged in “run of the mill” activities, never questioning what a mix-up might do for our mental wellness.

Well, not today. Today is Groundhog Day and in honor of a Hollywood classic, we are going to disrupt the boring replay of the same old day.  So get excited (your brain will too!) and try one of the following simple inclusions to break up the daily déjà vu:

– Wake up 15 minutes earlier to take a walk before the world awakes. New sounds, smells and people are out and about at different times during the day— all just waiting to introduce themselves to you.

– Use your lunch time for something beyond lunch. I’m not condoning skipping a meal but why don’t you try going somewhere new, meeting a friend for a bite or shopping at some local stores along the way.

– During a break today when you’d typically reach for Facebook, Pinterest or Instagram— do something different. Do a crossword, take a crack at a Rubik’s cube or look into learning a new skill you’ve always wanted to try.

– If you usually decompress at the end of your day by absent-mindedly turning on the T.V., try tuning into music instead. Or better yet, find a card or board game you can play with your family to help laugh away the cares of the day.

– Talk to someone you normally don’t interact with during your day. Expand your world to let in people beyond those similar to yourself. Not only does this introduce novelty but you’ll likely discover new friends in the process.

Daily Challenge

Talk through your “typical day” with a best friend, significant other or family member. Discuss ways you might mix-up the monotony. Make a conscious choice to add, change or alter a part of your day. It doesn’t matter if you’re brushing your teeth with the opposite hand, taking a different drive into the office or adding in a lunchtime stroll to absorb some mid-day sun… your brain tingles with anticipation of all the possibilities that await!

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About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

Every once in awhile I get this overwhelming desire to change it up, break the mold and do something different. Today is that day!

As you think on health and wellness, it’s impossible to forget fitness. This is why (along with the other wonderful social, emotional and spiritual benefits) I’ve included yoga, walking and planking into our wellness work so far. These are some of my favorite go-to’s for getting and staying in shape. Even so, every once in awhile, I feel that desire to defy the norm. So if doing the above or hitting the gym is leaving you in a workout rut, check out these 12 unusual and inspiring ways to ignite your fitness fire.

1. Kickboxing 

   Ever dreamed of being a spy or kicking some serious butt in a fight? No? Just me then. This is my kind of workout; high-intensity and high-impact with a high-likelihood of releasing pent-up tension from the work week. Jabs and kicks offer more than just cardio work. Expect to improve your balance, flexibility, endurance, coordination and strength. Many participants also report mental benefits, such as increased self-discipline and self-confidence.

2. Indoor Surf Classes

   No beach, bathing suit or sunblock required. Work your core and build balance while making moves on an elevated board. Real surfing movements are mixed with bursts of cardio to burn fat. A 140 lb woman will torch about 500 calories in just one class. Never been near a surfboard before? No problem. Classes, such as those offered by Surfset Fitness, have boards adjustable by level from beginner to advanced. So if you’re looking for a super hip way to avoid hitting the gym, hang ten here as you surf your way to a longer, leaner bod.

3. Aerial Silks 

   Don’t let title or intimidation deter you from attending this class. I almost did, myself, about 6 months ago when I was asked to go. This is a unique experience where different movements are made while hanging from heavy-duty silk fabric attached to the ceilings. Imagine a combination of dancing and gymnastics while flying. Trust me, I’m far from either dancer or acrobat but I left a beginner class feeling nothing but pure pleasure. This one is a can’t miss!

4. Zumba

   Ever since hitting the scene in 2011, this fitness class has taken the dance/exercise scene by storm. It is now the #1 ranked “dancercise” class, busting moves and calories across the country. A combination of Latin, Creole and African dance traditions put to today’s top tunes, this one is filled with laughter and fun for all ages and fitnesss levels.

5. Ultimate Frisbee 

   If you thought the frisbee was only for playtime with your pup, think again. “Ultimate” is an intense, fast-paced game that keeps you running, catching and throwing a frisbee across the length of a soccer field. Incite your competitive edge while working as a team to score as many points as possible. A 150 lb person will burn about 571 calories in just an hour of this “good time game”.

6. Trampoline Park 

   These places are popping up everywhere but they’re more than just a good time for your kids. Many offer fitness classes for adults only. You may be smiling while bouncing around but don’t underestimate the physical demands of this exercise or you’re in for a sweaty surprise. A combination of plyometrics, cardio and strength training, what may appear to be child’s-play can actually melt away up to 1,000 calories in a 60-minute class!

7. Barre Class 

   Who has a better body than a ballerina? Barre classes incorporate yoga, pilates, weight training and of course… ballet. A full body workout with extra focus on your lower half to get those coveted dancer’s legs. Don’t let the delicacy of the word “ballet” fool you, this exercise is nothing shy of hard-core. I’d been doing hot yoga consistently and was feeling pretty confident regarding my fitness level when my cousin invited me to attend a local class with her. Fast-paced cardio work accompanied by intense strength training left me leaving with noodle legs and newfound respect for ballerinas.

8. Kangoo Jump Shoes 

   I just couldn’t resist including these as possibly the most unusual (and perhaps most fun) way to get fit. Sure you may look a little goofy but who cares when you’re having a blast being a kangaroo? These funny-looking shoes add gravitational force to your body and double the resistance of aerobic activities while wearing them. Originally designed to reduce stress on runner’s joints, these shoes are infiltrating free time and fitness classes as you bounce your body towards better health.

9. Indoor Rock Climbing

   You don’t need to live near mountains or invest in expensive gear to experience the thrill of rock climbing. Indoor climbing centers are popular and provide all necessary equipment for rent. This anaerobic exercise builds both strength and balance as you burn up to 800 calories an hour. Arms are pulling, legs are pushing and your core is constantly activated as you work from rock to rock. I rarely get that next day oh-so-satisfying soreness as much as when I spend a couple hours climbing my way to the top.

10. Hula Hooping 

    The 50’s just called and they want their hoola hoop back! Too bad you’re gonna be using it to burn calories galore. Swivel those hips to work your waist, hips, butt, thighs, lower back and abs. This kid’s craze promises hours of hula hooping fun. Just make sure you look into a heavier metal hula hoop as opposed to the one you may find at the dollar store— they’re too light and small to maximize all of the above health benefits.

11. Play a Musical Instrument

    Here’s a fun fact: More calories are burned while playing the violin for an hour than in walking around a track at a moderate pace for the same amount of time. Perhaps you like to jam out drum-style? Due to the dynamic upper and lower body movements, a person who weighs 185 lbs will burn 252 calories in one drum session. This just goes to show whether you feel you’re athletic or not, we all can find more creative ways to get active.

12. Rollerblading

    If you’ve tried running and can’t take the impact on the joints, try a cardio alternative with rollerblading. Cruising around town on these will work your lower half and build some serious leg strength. Besides, if you ever engaged in this activity as a kid (like I did), you’ll likely get a mental and emotional boost by throwing it back to this childhood joy. Seemingly more fun than fitness, you’ll still burn on average over 400 calories zipping around for an hour on these wheeled wonders.

Daily Challenge

He likes heavy-lifting, she likes spin class— sometimes it can be hard to get on the same workout page with your partner. If you and your significant other don’t typically sweat together, you’re missing out on quality couple time. Plus if you’ve made fitness goals, you’re more likely to reach them— 94% more likely according to one study— when your sweetie is involved. Also, the thrill of trying something new is shown to bring couples closer. So sit down together and select one of the above (or pick your own) to try together this week. The more fun the fitness, the greater the pleasure payout and the sooner you’ll return for another sweaty session. So bust out of the norm and enjoy an unusual way to work your form!

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

“Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” -Buddha

Offense, hurt or pain. These are emotions experienced when feeling wronged in one way or another. Associated with that, you have also likely been on the receiving end of an apology. If so, you’ve been given an opportunity to forgive. Someone says they’re sorry and you (hopefully) choose to give up anger and resentment for kindness and compassion. Giving and accepting apologies, in a life filled with human error, is a common occurrence.

Recently I learned something very interesting about the order of forgiveness. The above scenario has always been how I would describe the forgiveness process. However, that is actually an example of what is called conditional forgiveness. Meaning that compassion comes only on the condition of the request— an intriguing distinction.

In a 2011 article called Forgive to Live: Forgiveness, Health and Longevity, it was shown that those who could only forgive if others said “sorry” first were more likely to die earlier, compared with those who practiced unconditional forgiveness. This positive correlation was evident through healthier endocrine, cardiovascular and immune systems for those that extended higher levels of empathy. You read that right. Your ability to offer unsolicited grace may actually increase your mortality!

If you’ve ever held onto anger towards someone as punishment for their wrongdoing, you were likely unaware of the physical (not to mention, emotional) harm you were actually causing yourself. Below are 5 physical health benefits of forgiveness:

1. Lowers stress levels

According to a study done by Hope College reseachers, one of multiple health benefits of forgiveness is lower levels of cortisol. (Remember that cortisol is our body’s stress hormone. Chronically increased level of cortisol lead to elevations in blood sugar, depressed immune response, increased fat accumulation and loss of cognitive function). Seventy-one participants’ physical responses were monitored when speaking of past grudges compared to responses when discussing compassion. Those who displayed more forgiving perspectives had lower cortisol levels and resulting less physiological stress.

2. Keeps your heart healthy

Forgiveness is good for the heart—literally. One study suggests that people who hold on to anger have higher heart rates, while those who are more empathetic and able to forgive tend to have lower heart rates.

3. Lowers pain

Letting go of anger may help your body better adapt to pain. According to a study done by Duke University Medical Center, the ability to empathize and forgive boosted the physical and emotional ability to process pain. Out of 61 subjects who suffered from chronic back pain, those who were more likely to forgive reported lower levels of pain.

4. Lowers blood pressure

In an interview of 108 college students, multiple measures were taken of blood pressure and other stress responses while discussing past betrayals. Those more inclined to forgive had lower blood pressure levels. Multiple studies continue to show the link between lower blood pressure and forgiveness.

5. Extends life

In the previously mentioned study, Forgive to Live, adults ages 66 and older who were more forgiving in nature, tended to live longer. If this isn’t the most compelling reason to give up a grudge, then I don’t know what is!

If the above evidence isn’t enough for you to starting letting past grievances go, there is also a connection between the ability to forgive others and the likelihood of forgiving yourself. Research published in the Journal of Positive Psychology showed that people who made amends with a friend for a wrongdoing were essentially giving themselves an okay to make and accept their own mistakes in the future. Forgive others of their guilt to let go of your own.

If you’re reading this and recalling wrongdoings that hurt you, let them go. The damage only goes deeper the longer you hold such grievances in your heart. Without condoning such actions, we as human beings can extend compassion. We can forgive. Not because forgiveness is requested or deserved but because we require and deserve the peace of body and soul that comes with the offer of unconditional, God-like grace.

Daily Challenge

I often find when I choose to discuss certain topics it is myself that needs that particular instruction. In writing this, I must admit that I had two particular pains from previous relationships continue to come to mind. Even though their occurrence was years ago, the cuts were still fresh, inflicted now by my own hand.

Look inside yourself today. It likely won’t take long to remember a relationship or interaction where you felt wronged. Examine your feelings in regard to this situation and truly ask yourself if you have let this go. Now, choose to forgive. Understanding that in doing so you are not excusing the action but giving yourself the freedom to move on, both in body and spirit. Forgiveness… do it for you!

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

What on this green earth is a lentil?

I asked myself the same thing after my nutritionist, Dustin, first recommended these protein-packed little seeds as part of a Mediterranean diet. Since he hadn’t steered me wrong so far in our acquaintance, I made the decision to investigate this mystery ingredient. My search didn’t take long, as less than an hour later I stood in the aisle of my local grocery store staring down at a bag filled with hundreds of small, brown, bead-like balls. Unassuming and perhaps unimpressive– it was no wonder I’d been passing them by for years while perusing aisle upon aisle of food-packed shelves. However, I was surprised (and pleased) to discover this newfound “health food” busted two of my most common complaints against the species : accessibility and affordability. I’d love to say I was standing in a Whole Foods when this encounter occurred but let’s be honest, it was more likely a Walmart– certainly not the first place I’d peg to find healthy food. Also, at about $1.50 a bag, there was comfort in knowing even if I ruined a recipe or two, I wasn’t going to break the bank similar to attempts with other super foods I’d purchased in the past. It was here in the dry bean aisle that lentils and I had our first love connection.

Fast forward two years later and say hello to one of the main staples in my diet. You suspect you might enjoy, eat and promote something perhaps a little too much when your co-workers give you mounds of brown lentils for your birthday. It’s okay. I admit it. I’m the “Lentil Lady”. Surely it shouldn’t have given me such pleasure when my coworker created this nickname for me. Yet, I can’t deny my love for these little legumes, their versatility and their resulting protein perks. I’ve put them in countless casseroles, soups, salads and stews with great success. They add heartiness to dishes with their high levels of protein while still remaining plant-based. One cup of lentils holds a whopping 18 grams of protein. Not too shabby considering they come from a plant. In fact, among all legumes and nuts, lentils are ranked as the 3rd best protein-packers of the bunch.

To commemorate the great success that came from a quest to try new ingredients, I’ve decided to honor the lentil with a little infographic love. All you need to know lies below, along with four of my favorite recipes. Each recipe can be found on My Whole Food Habit and is a stellar start to your own lentil love affair.

Daily Challenge

If you have room for some more love in your life (and who doesn’t?) then take a chance at trying something new. In the next 48 hours commit you and your mate to making a meal with lentils as the star. Use one of my recommended recipes found on My Whole Food Habit or try your hand at something new. Not only is it thrilling to experience new foods and flavors but you’ll feel good knowing you’re using nutritious, whole food ingredients to fuel that beautiful bod.

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

Throwback Thursday. I confess that I really had no idea what this term meant until about a month ago. I’d seen it posted behind a hashtag all over social media but quickly dismissed it due to my lack of understanding. Only recently did I learn that this weekly trend encourages social media users to look back and share a fond memory, usually in the form of a picture, from their past.

Let me just say that I’m not a super savvy trend follower on social media sites (clearly). In fact, I occasionally revolt and refuse to participate just out of spite directed at really no one in particular. I only recently caved and joined Instagram solely because my father mentioned in passing the inspirational quotes he continued to see on my friend’s “feed” (I figured that was a pretty clear sign that it was time). Due to this distaste for peer pressure compliance, I had inwardly vowed never to participate in this “silly” social media movement.

The reason I tell you this is because I, Megan Mansfield, am about to not only participate but dedicate an entire post to Throwback Thursday. Why? What does this have to do with health and wellness, you ask. If you’ll allow me to stray from my typical scientific-based review of daily topics and instead share a personal story, I’ll explain.

A few weeks ago I was sitting in a specialist’s office waiting for what felt like an eternity for the doctor to grace me with her presence. This day’s wait seemed particularly lengthy because I was waiting to receive results regarding a potentially serious health condition. As I sat propped up on a paper-covered table clothed in my ever-so-fashionable hospital gown, I felt my thoughts slip from the land of the rational to the depths of negativity. I imagined the doctor speaking the words of the worst possible scenario. It might as well have happened, for as soon as the imaginary-movie within my mind ended, my anxiety meter spiked to epic proportions. Before I knew it, I was feeling near tears.

Dramatic? Perhaps. But the good news is I’d rather lose my pinky toe than cry in public (okay, that was dramatic). Moisture creeping at the corner of my eyes was my check back to reality. I knew I needed to reel it in.

I leaned back and started trying “positive thinking”. Have you ever tried that in the midst of a crisis or cruddy day? As humans, the portal from positivity to negativity is often easy to go through but difficult to return.

Suddenly, for no reason in particular, I started thinking about my family and a vacation we took over 18 years ago. My 3 siblings and I were spending the evening at the hotel while my parent’s enjoyed a much deserved dinner out. We took this parental freedom and played games, goofed off and at one point, I may or may not have been deceived into thinking I had ESP. This sudden flood of favorable times brought such a warmth into my heart and started an avalanche of childhood memories. I remembered the times we played “tester-choice” in the kitchen to see who could create the most delicious treat. Falling asleep to my mother’s stories of her gator-catching Grandaddy infiltrated my consciousness. Lazy days spent drawing upside faces on our chins and then hanging off the back of our blue sofa to record nonsensical conversations between bald-headed faces played across my memory.

Suddenly, I felt the corners or my mouth tweak into a smirk. I might as well have been plucked straight from the physician’s office and been planted firmly in the pleasurable days of my delightful childhood.

What I realized was remarkable. Memories had controlled my mood. This was not a contrived exercise where I tallied off terrifically “positive” things while sitting in a sterile office but genuine joy that sprung forth through a small moment spent reveling in charming recollections. I’d never attempted, or even known, the power of such a simple act.

This is not a new idea— using positive memories to control mood. Memory is a powerful thing and is constantly being studied to better understand its influence on human action. A study completed in 2007 by Gillihan, Kessler and Farah showed a positive correlation in over 300 men and women between memory recall and effective mood regulation. There was also a correlation between negative memory recall and mood worsening— so keep it upbeat cause this is a two-way street.

Interestingly, this memory-mood connection also works in the inverse. When our mood is elevated and focused on positive thoughts, neurons are activated that actually improve your ability to remember (source). This means if you’re studying for an exam or preparing for a presentation, thinking cheery thoughts while you’re working channels improved memory recall, resulting in improved performance.

It was an accidental but influential “Eureka!” moment I stumbled upon that day in the doctor’s office. The truth of it was rooted in research but its significance to me went much deeper. As a woman, or more accurately as a human being, I often feel my emotions are running me as opposed to the opposite. To have gained such exact and immediate control on the brink of breakdown went beyond exciting— it was empowering.

So here I sit, tasting the tartness of every letter I type. Eating my words is beginning to be a staple diet for me it seems. Yet, I’m willing to sacrifice a little ego in exchange for the merit I see in a social media movement as it connects to my experience that day. Perhaps there is something powerful in something that appeared silly. Call it what you may, but today, enjoy the essence of a little Throwback Thursday.

Daily Challenge

Today’s challenge is simple. Participate in your own personal version of Throwback Thursday by remembering a time, event or moment in your life that elicits nothing but pure pleasure. Let these thoughts permeate your mind and mood… they have the power, I promise. Don’t hoard this happiness either. Share your restorative rememberances via picture or post on social media.

I’d love to share in all your cheery recollections so don’t forget to hashtag #MyWholeFoodHabit and #Loveumentary or share on My Whole Food Habit’s Facebook page.

In a show of good faith, I will share my own Throwback Thursday moment— a commemoration of the original memory that brought a smile to my face during a dark moment in a doctor’s office all those days ago.

P.S. I highly recommend you go out and redo, reimagine or recreate your memory to really leave a happy imprint in your heart. This was just as fun to replicate with my hubby now as it was to remember doing all those many years ago as a child.

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

“It’s a no-brainer.”

Sound familiar? You’ve likely heard or even spouted it off yourself when responding to what you feel is any easy choice. We are creatures of habit, often deciding issues based on snap judgments and gut reactions. This can result in “no-brainer” behavior with little to no mental effort influencing our perceptions and selections.

Do the following: Repeat the word “joke” out loud three times to yourself. Now quickly, what’s the white part of an egg called?

A majority of you likely responded by saying yolk. However, the question was what the white part of an egg is called… albumen. Your brain was conditioned to the “oak” sound simply by reciting it three times. You just conditioned yourself in less than 5 seconds! Isn’t that amazing? That is a no-brainer. A response formulated by habit. No thinking applied. responded with a no-brainer— yet completely incorrect— response when presented with a straight-forward question. You reacted in habit-bound behavior.

Now try this: Fold your arms. Which arm is on top? Mine is always my right. Quickly reverse the position with your bottom arm on top. Not so easy, is it? When I attempted this simple switch, I literally had to slow myself down. It required focus, making me feel akin to a kindergartener taking my first crack at scissor skills. Clearly, folding my arms in a specific way is habit-bound behavior for me.

We are all human beings and that means we are susceptible to, and often are, preconditioned. What makes this phenomenon truly intriguing, though, is that these programmed perceptions, and their resulting reactions, are as unique to the individual as code is to a computer. Even when we all receive the same stimulus input, the output varies.

For example, we’ll use the following image you may have seen previously.

What do you see? Is it the profile of a young woman with her head turned away or a weary old beggar woman with face downcast?

There is no right or wrong answer in this case. Again, part of what makes us beautiful as a human race IS our ability to perceive similar stimuli in new and different ways. This capacity opens the door to creativity, invention and problem-solving. However, if you either cannot or choose not to see beyond the initial image (whether beauty or beggar) you are undoubtedly missing something, losing out on potentiality and possibility.

Assumptions can block our ability to see novelty based on our brain’s conditioned response. The egg white question, in contrast to the picture activity, most certainly had a correct answer. Yet, most of us (myself included) answered incorrectly.

This leads me to my capstone question for today:

Are you missing out on answers or even potential possibilities due to your preconceived notions?

You may apply this question to any of the following: a life problem, a political stance, health beliefs, religious or spiritual predisposition, professional opinions, and/or relationship disagreements. Whatever your individual circumstances, still ask yourself.

We will never be effective problem-solvers or possibility-spotters if we do not exercise the ability to go beyond the no-brainer mentality and examine our assumptions.

As the philosopher Marcel Proust once said:

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands, but in seeking with new eyes.”

Daily Challenge

Part of being intellectually well is being open to new ideas and opinions both in life—and in love. Looking (and responding) beyond our immediate assumptions or beliefs is the key to opening a door to fresh understanding that can deepen companionship and character. So don’t delay. Take your darling by the hand and dare to discover what new ideas await.

Items you’ll need:

•Two pencils

•Two pieces of paper

•Your preconceived notions (oh wait, you already have those)

As a couple, select a topic that you and your spouse disagree on. This may range from an opposing political opinion to a disagreement on whose responsibility dish duty is.

Give yourself a few minutes and write down every immediate thought, idea, aspect or argument you have for feeling the way you do.

When you’ve completed this, switch papers. In the last 3 seconds, you have just obtained your law degree (you’re welcome) and with it has come your very first case. You must now present the evidence to defend your partner’s opinion only using the evidence written on the paper before you.

Don’t do this half way. Really act as though your reputation, profession and payout relies on your understanding and explaining the merits of the arguments that sit before you.

At the end of your dialogue, discuss your experience. How does it feel to go against your natural inclination? What do you see now that you’ve viewed this picture from an alternative angle? Most importantly, what insight have you gained into the personal perceptions that drive you and your partner’s ideas?

Next time you open your mouth to disagree, think about this exercise and have the courage to examine your assumptions. You many find there’s an entire wealth of new ideas—in life and love—just waiting to be explored. That’s a no-brainer!

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

The human body is more than 60 percent water. Blood is 92 percent water. Both your brain and muscles are made up of 75 percent water. Your skin contains 64 percent water. Even your bones aren’t “bone dry”- water is 22 percent of their makeup.

H2O. It’s what makes us work!

A human can survive over a month without eating food but only a week without water.

There’s no denying the importance of this essential element and I’m confident I’ll not be the first or the last to counsel you regarding adequate consumption. So if we all know it— why are seventy-five percent of Americans still chronically dehydrated?

We spend hours working our muscles in the gym, days reading books about the best diets and countless dollars on health food every year. Yet, we’re missing the mark when it comes to providing what nearly every major system in our body depends on to function. Perhaps we don’t fully comprehend beyond quenching our thirst what water really does after it passes our lips: brain function, hormone production, temperature regulation, shock absorption for the spinal cord, digestion, blood and body oxygenation, lubrication of joints, waste elimination, saliva formation, cellular survival and reproduction… need I go on? If we were told there was a “superfood” out there that would improve almost every biological function in your body, you bet your bottom dollar that most of us would be scrambling for the supermarket to get our hands on it.

So what happens when we don’t get enough of it? Dehydration. Simply put, this is when your body is using up more water than its taking in. This can lead to symptoms such as dry mouth, fatigue, thirst, decreased urination, dry skin, headaches, constipation and dizziness. With more dehydration, symptoms become even more severe: rapid heartbeat, rapid breathing, fever, sunken eyes, no urination, extreme thirst, shriveled skin, delirium and even unconsciousness.

So how do you know if you’re getting enough water? Waiting till you feel thirsty or until you feel the above symptoms likely means your body is already feeling the drought. A common recommendation is the 8×8 rule: an eight ounce glass, eight times a day. This is a good guideline but keep in mind that your body’s water requirement may vary from your neighbors depending on your health, lifestyle, exercise-level and/or food choices. A person who exercises regularly will require more water to replenish what is excreted by sweating. When illness strikes, increased fluid intake is essential to restore what is lost through side-effects such as diarrhea. A breastfeeding mother will need to consume more water to maintain an adequate milk supply. A good indicator to know if you’re adequately hydrated is the color of your urine. According to the Mayo Clinic, clear or light-colored urine indicates healthy hydration. Dark or amber-colored urine is typically a signal your body is dehydrated.

I hope we feel appropriately educated regarding H2O up to this point. However, I’ve learned through experience that education without inspiration means very little when putting knowledge into practical application. So pop over to my blog, My Whole Food Habit, to see some fresh ways to boost your water intake, including how to liven up your liquids, fun tools to tote your H2O and innovative apps to keep your hydration on track.

Daily Challenge

Today’s challenge is to make a water wager. First: Pick a companion. This may be your significant other, a co-worker or any of your daily comrades. Each of you set a goal for the amount of water you will consume today. Use the 8×8 guide (an eight ounce glasses eight times a day) as a starting point and adapt as you feel necessary for your health and lifestyle. Second: Pick your prize. Each of you select a specific reward you will give yourself at the end of this day if you meet your goal. Mine was as simple as a good book in a bubble bath to close out my night. Yours may be purchasing that new song your ears can’t get enough of on iTunes. Now drink your way to victory!  Soda, sports drinks or coffee— they don’t count— so keep your water free of sugar and additives today. Lastly, don’t underestimate the power of peer pressure. Text, email or otherwise remind your hydration partner throughout the day to ensure you both finish this day off with a water win.

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

Today we’re trying something new. A reprieve from reading. In lieu of my post, I present to you a special treat to kick off our week.

For those of you who’ve never had the opportunity to watch a TED Talk, you’re missing out on a wealth of inspiring messages and presenters offering innovative ideas and research. TED was started in 1984 under the slogan, “Ideas Worth Spreading”… and this particular one I’m about to share (a favorite of mine) most definitely fits the bill.

Ever wanted to speak to someone but been too intimidated to try? Longed to take a leap towards a life dream but fear of failure prevented the launch?  

We’ve all been there— the spot where comfort and familiarity stand off against discomfort and fear. In this TED talk, Joel Runyon, a javelin-throwing, world-traveling, triathlete talks about taking on the seemingly impossible by starting with an intriguingly simple daily practice. S0 cuddle up with your companion for 10 minutes of learning about some serious (and literal) cold courage.

Daily Challenge

I think you already know where this one is going. My challenge and Joel’s challenge are one and the same. Don’t focus on 30 days. Just commit to tomorrow. It’s one day. One unique opportunity towards getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. And who knows? You may discover that “impossible” lies closer than you think after stepping outside that confining cage we call comfort.

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About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

Whew, we dug deep yesterday. I hope you received an increase, (even if only an inkling) of inspiration, personal understanding, direction or love while illustrating the beauty that is your own spiritual wellness. If you missed yesterday’s post or the opportunity to do the associated challenge, go back and invest the few minutes to read and complete the exercise. On day 1 we talked about laying a solid foundation to build our newly defined wellness— Day 10 was one of those crucial bricks. Don’t skip it.

Building foundations, digging deep, investigating our intentions, accepting vulnerability… it’s heavy stuff. And nothing works up a hearty appetite like some emotional heavy-lifting! So I’ve decided this is an ideal time to cut brain and body a little break. We’re over a third of the way into our wellness reformation and I think we deserve a little reward for all our efforts.

A year and a half ago, my idea of a reward would be busting out the Rolo’s and Oatmeal Cream Pies. I’d been programmed since I was a wee one, as many of us are, that such “goodies” were tied to good behavior and good times. Sweet treats of this variety were almost always present on vacations, at happy times and holidays.

As an adult, I’d justify the consumption of such sugary confections with a simple statement of, “How bad could it really be?” How much of anything could one compact Rolo really contain? Chocolate and caramel, I presumed, as I chomped away. Which is why when I looked further I was startled to learn that 21 (yes, twenty-one!) ingredients were inside this tiny treat barely bigger than the size of a quarter. This gave me pause. Twenty-one? Could that really be right?

If the 21 ingredients made me wonder, then the 44 ingredients inside just one of Little Debbie’s Oatmeal Cream Pies absolutely frightened me. Forty-four ingredients! The sheer number is shocking enough (ask yourself when you’ve ever made a recipe with 44 ingredients listed). Now recognize the inclusion of artificial coloring and trans fat (which you can sleuth out yourself whenever seeing the word “hydrogenated” or “partially hydrogenated” on a label). Still not enough to cause you concern? How about the 11 common allergens also packed into one pie—  soy, MSG and gluten– just to name a few. Little Debbie’s sweet red cheeks under straw hat smiling at me from the box didn’t look quite so innocuous anymore.

Food is no longer food.

It’s almost unrecognizable with all its unidentifiable additives. When I fit met my nutritionist, Dustin Strong at Strong on Health, one of his very first recommendations was to pare back the processed foods. I listened intently, nodded confidently and left his office under the allusion that I understood fully what that meant. Processed food. Sure. I’ll just avoid those two aisles in the grocery store, I thought.

After becoming more educated about what processed foods (or foods changed from their natural state) really meant and gaining some serious label literacy, I was shocked to learn for myself what scientists already estimated:

Processed foods make up a whopping 70% of what most of us eat.  

70 percent! Yikes. At first, this was discouraging. Did this mean I was stuck in a sugar-less life lurch— doomed to the depressive idea of zero desserts or indulgences till the end of time?

Heavens no! Life is enjoyable and eating should be a part of that enjoyment. By all means, let’s celebrate with a delicious treat! But here’s a novel idea: let’s do it with real food. That’s right. Whole foods: unrefined, additive-free with actual identifiable ingredients.

Enter today’s treat from me to you… pineapple ice cream. A delectable, indulgent dessert that is impressive not just in its ability to tantalize your taste buds but to keep your ingredient count to a comfortable and impressive number: TWO.

Daily Challenge

You and your sweetie have been working hard on your wellness reformation and deserve a reward. It’s time to take two. Two ingredients. Two people. One amazing recipe. Don’t mistake uncomplicated for uninspired. The beauty behind this frozen treat is the burst of flavor provided by nature alone. So whip up a quick batch appreciating the only unknown lies in how much lovers prattle you’ll be able to fit in around luscious bites of pineapple pleasure.

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About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

Today’s post is difficult. It is the first dedicated solely to the topic of spiritual wellness. Due to the complexity and individuality of this topic, I’m hesitant to provide much education as I typically would during this part of my daily writings. You see, in order for us to improve our spirituality during this month, I feel it necessary for us to define this crucial aspect of wellness. And yet, I am grossly under qualified to even attempt such a massive and blanket assumption for each of you. Instead, if you’ll allow me, I’ll simply attempt to provide (understanding I am no priest, pastor or prophetess) guidance to help YOU define your own individual spiritual wellness.

In order to do this, we do need to discuss some basic and common foundations of spiritual wellness. Every person’s spirituality or spirit is unique to them (again, which makes this difficult to discuss on a mass scale). Even as you read these words, they enter your psyche and are filtered through a framework completely custom to you. This framework was created through a combination of several things:

Beliefs, values, religion, family, history, hopes, dreams and motivations. All of these dynamic variables combine to create an intricate tapestry that serves as our moral map to interpret life’s events, interactions and experiences. 

For our purposes today, we are going to call this your spirit— or the very deepest part of you that makes meaning of your world. Who you are. Why you’re here. What your purpose on this Earth is. The answers all lie within the spiritual framework you’ve personally created for yourself. This is after all, a common definition of spirituality: discovering meaning in life and knowing your purpose.

Some people find this purpose through religion, mediation, yoga, prayer or other spiritual practices which connect them to God, Earth and/or energy. However you connect or practice spiritual wellness, having clearly defined values, beliefs and morals provided a basis for key states of compassion, love, forgiveness and joy— all necessities for spiritual fulfillment.

So whether you’ve defined your spiritual practice or you’ve never even stopped to wonder what spirituality means to you… I hope you’ll take the opportunity to do the exercise below. Not because it is today’s daily challenge but because there is something beautifully reflective in beholding a visual representation of the people, passions, power and practices that frame your purpose on this Earth.

Daily Challenge

What you’ll need:

– A piece of paper

– A pencil

1. Draw yourself in the center of the paper. This isn’t an art project so make yourself as simple as you’d like. I drew myself as a circle with my name inside.

2. Immediately around you, draw in the people most important to you. I call these people my “inner sphere”. They’re the people that are dear to me, the ones I admire the most, turn to in crisis and love above all others. You may put as many or as few of these important people in as you’d like.

3. Around your inner sphere of people, draw a large square. Inside this box I want you to write the words that drive your interactions with those people. For example, a couple of mine were love, support, honesty and loyalty. There are no right or wrong answers here. So write the words as they come to you, without judgement or filter.

4. Once you’ve filled your box with the values that make up your core relationships, draw a triangle on top of your box (Ah, a roof!). In the top of your newly constructed house, write in your most meaningful life goals. Take a minute here and let your dreams wander unrestricted. Where does your future lead? Those important people you just drew below can help. Your life’s direction is often shaped by them.

5. You’ve filled the top of your house with your ambitions, now go underneath it to focus on something equally (if not more so) important: your foundation. Why are you the way you are? Some examples might include religion, cultural traditions and God. This ground beneath you is where you have chosen to build your relationships, life and love. Think about some of the most rewarding events in your life, the choices you made to get there and why you made those choices.

6. Lastly, draw a tree next to your home. Say hello to what makes your life beautiful and enjoyable! For example, health and wellness filled the trunk of my tree. Off of which, branched many of my life’s most enjoyable activities: running, travel, laughing, reading, yoga, cooking and learning. Your tree may represent art, music or other activities. These may all branch from one main passion or you may have an entire orchard of life’s enjoyments filling the space around your house.

Once you’ve completed the above 6 steps, put down your pencil. Now look at your picture all together. What sits before you is much more than a simple sketch of paper and pencil. You’ve just illustrated the people, values, motivations, purpose, passion and beauty that make your life significant. So take a moment to meet, reconnect or at the very least, enjoy… a piece of your very own spirit is now smiling back at you.

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

Going back to the “less is more” theme, I present today’s physical fitness all-star: the plank. Trending in fitness blogs and magazines, the plank is all about taking it back to the basics. A fundamental with the strength to tighten and tone.

So why is this simple movement ranking as a favorite among the fit of the fit? Mainly for its powerful core strengthening abilities that bridge the gap between you and that ever elusive six-pack. But progressing towards your perfect physique doesn’t just stop there. Just because you’re not doing any active movement while completing this exercise doesn’t mean the muscle activation isn’t going full body. Stay propped up on those elbows there, Superman, because neck, shoulders, biceps, bottom, thighs, calf, chest and lower back are all engaged while simply holding your own body weight off the floor. You can also expect some super benefits, including the following, when tapping the power of the plank:

– A toned belly

– Reduced back pain

– Flexibility

– Improved mood

– Improved balance and posture

Not too shabby considering it’s something you can drop down and do right now. (Really, like right now… You know where this is going). No special equipment, clothing or cost needed! All while giving your body benefits far beyond those you’ll obtain doing countless crunches on the floor.

As in all fitness activities, appropriate form will either make or break your outcome (and possibly your body!). I know, I know. You’re thinking, “How hard could it be?” Humor me. Watch the follow 2 minute video explaining how to plank appropriately. Don’t spin your wheels by skipping this step. Two minutes is a small investment to make to get the traction you need to really take off.

Daily Challenge

Partner planking. It’s a new sport. I just invented it… and it’s about to bring “love” back into the same sentence as “exercise”.

Pick a spot on the floor with your partner where you can both plank, face-to-face, close enough to touch (yep, this is about to get good). Grab your phone or a timer and lay it face up between the two of you. Now get both those bods off the ground into your appropriate plank position (because you invested the 2 very important minutes to watch the video, right?). Start the timer.

Once the first 10 seconds roll by, you’ve earned your first reward. Keep that body up but plant a kiss on your sweetie. I’ll let you decide how many seconds you’d like to tick by engaged in this extra-curricular cardio exercise.  After another 10 seconds? Another smack-a-roo for the both of you. How many kisses can you get in before gravity wins out? It’s a companion competition, a body battle, partner planking… you two vs. the floor as you strengthen both your body and your relationship core!

Bonus Tip: Planks are easy peasy to incorporate into anyone’s day. My coworkers and I bust them out twice daily on breaks or sometimes as a pick-me-up after that afternoon slump. I like to get one done before hitting the hay after a busy day or even compete against those boring commercials to see who will end first. Get creative and share with us your favorite time and place to pull out the plank!

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

Cravings. We all have them. You’re merrily typing away in the middle of your afternoon when one thought permeates your consciousness and comes barreling at you like a semi: Snickers. Must. Have. Now. Starburst. Chips. Coke. Whatever your specific craving may be… it often leads to a mad dash to the nearest vending machine or convenience store in an attempt to scratch that overwhelming itch.

So why the sudden onset of desire for specific foods? Studies suggest that mental imagery may be a key component of food cravings.

When you crave a specific food, a vivid image of it appears in your mind. One study even suggested the clearer the image, the stronger the craving.

The brain then zeroes in on this image and your mind-body connection is activated. Resulting in a forceful report of, “I want! I want!”. It’s only been a matter of seconds, but now you can hardly move on with your day or think of anything else. It’s a natural reaction that activates mental imagery and it requires a large part of your cognitive function. Meaning your brain has a very difficult time moving past this overwhelming illustration dominating your thoughts.

The good news? The same study also showed that this phenomenon can work in reverse.

Volunteers experiencing a craving for a specific food reported a reduction in that particular craving after they engaged in some mental imagery of their own accord.

Simply thinking of common sights such as a rainbow, smells like eucalyptus or patterns like those on a checkerboard were all shown to reduce food cravings in study subjects.

The mind is a powerful thing, they say. Well, saddle up, my friends cause today is your day to harness that power and direct your daily choices (and your taste buds) towards satiation of the healthier and happier variety.

Daily Challenge

Each time you crave something sweet today, close your eyes for a moment and imagine the face of someone most dear to you. Your partner, friend, family member or co-worker. Visualize their face. What color are their eyes? Hair color and style? What makes their face unique and endearing to you– Dimples? Freckles? Don’t hesitate to think about the details. Now visualize their mouth as it slowly forms into a long and lasting smile. You’re likely experiencing some very pleasing thoughts at this point: warmth, appreciation, love. All powerful replacers to fight off that sudden junk-food frenzy which was happening in your mind only moments ago.

Now take that energy you would have spent acquiring that sugar-laden confection and send a kind text to the person you’d visualized. It’ll be a “sweet exchange” that’ll last you a lot longer than a baked good, soda or piece of candy ever would!

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

Brain fitness. Ever heard of it? Chances are you’ve likely engaged in some cognitive cross-fit recently without even being aware of the exercise. Math problems, puzzles, Rubik’s cube, sudoku, crosswords. Brain teasers, we call them, and they’re doing more than just mind-tickling pleasure passers.

Experts of brain games explain that doing these tasks can awaken dormant cells in our brain. When these brain cells are highly stimulated, unused genes are suddenly reactivated. This gene reactivation leads to a brain better able to fight off disease. Just two hours a week of these novel activities is suggested to slow down mental decay—or the decrease in cognitive ability that naturally comes with age.

Two hours. That’s one movie a week, a few television episodes here and there. A seemingly more than fair trade when the payout is as impactful as better brain function.

Other reasons to put down the remote and engage in some stimulating child’s play:

• – Provides emotional satisfaction and sense of accomplishment
• – Enhances memory and processing speed
• – Helps reduce the risk of dementia
• – Improves concentration
• – Reduces boredom

The best part of this news? You don’t even need to solve the puzzle to reap the benefits of the exercise. So take heart if you’re feeling amongst the not-so-smart in the brain teaser box. Go at that complicated math problem free of pressure knowing even if you get it wrong… your brain is doing something right! Just make sure to mix it up. A variety of puzzles is important to maximize the above health benefits.

Daily Challenge

Grab your cutie and your competitive spirit and take a crack at these 4 short, simple and stimulating brain teasers. If you like a challenge that includes a reward as much as my hubby and I do, then raise the stakes. Dish duty? Foot massage? Laundry folding? Pick your prize— or your poison… it’s a battle of the wits!

Can You Count? (it’s sometimes the simplest of tasks that can be the most interesting) 

http://sharpbrains.com/blog/2006/09/10/brain-exercise-brain-teaser/

Dupe the Stroop (the Stroop test of evaluates your ability to pay attention)

http://sharpbrains.com/blog/2006/10/05/brain-exercise-the-stroop-test/

Catch the Number (a test of peripheral vision, hand-eye coordination & short-term memory)

http://sharpbrains.com/blog/2007/03/27/brain-teaser-to-exercise-your-brainnow/

Bus Brain Buster (a test of visual logic)

http://sharpbrains.com/blog/2007/02/24/exercise-your-brains-visual-logic-brain-teaser/

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

Today we’re packing a one, two, three punch of powerful wellness benefits as we explore the ancient practice of yoga. A personal favorite of mine. Not just because its one of the few exercises you can do barefoot— but also because the improved physical fitness (Shaq and Lebron have my back on this one) comes hand in hand with a boost in spiritual and emotional wellness.

Although the exact origins of yoga are unknown, scholars estimate it likely rooted from India over 5,000 years ago (can’t say it hasn’t stood the test of time, right?). In Hinduism, Buddhism and Jainism, the word yoga means “spiritual discipline” and yogis (or yoga masters) often describe the peace and happiness that comes along with this art. Yet many a skeptic may roll their eyes at these descriptions and write yoga off as nothing more than “hippie practice”. It is for just such Left-Brainers out there that I present a small peek into the evidence supporting yoga’s ability to create change: both physically and physiologically.

This year Harvard scientists will complete a 5-year study evaluating yoga practice’s effect on our body at a cellular level. That’s right. Genes. Brain Activity. Heart function. John Denninger, a psychiatrist and director of research at the Benson-Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital is leading the study and stated, “There is a true biological effect. The kinds of things that happen when you meditate do have effects throughout the body, not just in the brain.”

Their results will join other similar findings like those released in 2012 from the University of California at Los Angeles that found that 12 minutes of daily yoga meditation over 2 months decreased activity within our body that caused stress-induced aging by forty-three percent!

An entire study, called neurocardiology, is dedicated to this mind-heart connection phenomenon. An article found on the American Heart Association website explains the details behind our inner, integrated communication system that sends messages from brain to heart and back again. The ability for our body to be such a meaningful messenger has a direct impact on both its functionality and even our mortality. The outcome being intimately linked to the type of messages exchanged— whether they be those of stress or serenity.

Some may describe this mind-heart connection as an “ongoing, two-way dialogue with each organ continuously influencing the other’s function.” Ever feel like you’re fighting the constant battle to get your head and your heart on the same page? Now you know there may be an actual physiological reason behind such an inward battle. Enter yoga.

The foundations of yoga practice center on positive intentions. What does this mean? An intention can be something deeply personal or something physical. It’s a continual aspiration to guide you toward balance in your life. When thought upon, it is believed that these intentions imprint on our mind, heart and bodies. This not only leads to an overall feeling of connection or oneness with ourselves but as we’ve now learned— supports a oneness within our body’s function.

So take heart in this: for every minute spent thinking of changes on the mat, you’re actually altering your body’s abilities to accomplish them off the mat. Now that’s exciting!

Daily Challenge

Your challenge today is to incorporate 20 minutes of this fantastic practice into your day. If you’re already a yogi and this means attending a class at your local studio, great! However, for the rest (a likely majority) of you that have never practiced or may be too intimidated to jump right into the studio scene, here is a free, 20-minute yoga practice for beginners. Do this first thing in the morning to ignite energy for a new day or close out the daily chaos by practicing at bedtime. Even better: grab your partner or a friend and make your home your very own personal (and free!) yoga studio. It’s only 20 minutes: less than an episode of your favorite television show… and I promise the benefits to both brain as well as body are infinitely greater!

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About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

Mindfulness. I’ve heard this term thrown around quite a bit over the last few years and if you asked me if I knew what it meant, I’d have said yes. Just like I did to my good friend who then asked me to explain it to her. “Err… Uhh.. Well it’s about being mindful.” Yeah. A tid bit vague on the description there, Meg. So allow me to assist you (and avoid any future embarrassment) regarding a fuzzy understanding of what mindfulness really means.

Mindfulness is described as “a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations”. Still fuzzy? That’s why I prefer this sweet and simplified explanation:

Paying attention. On purpose.

Four little words. But really think about them. How often are we really paying attention? You’ve been present in your particular moment for at least 30 seconds while finding and beginning to read this post. Are you paying attention? Who is around you? What’s the temperature of the air touching you? Check in with your body. How deep are your breaths? Feel the beats of your heart. If you’re sitting, what does the surface beneath you feel like against your person? Is this easy for you? Or are your daily tasks already infiltrating your thoughts at this exact moment, distracting and hijacking you from the present?

Exercising awareness to the present moment is what makes up a mindful practice and it is often used as a therapeutic technique. Regular practice of mindfulness has shown to affect both brain function and structure actually increasing both the activity and the area of our brain responsible for positive emotion. One study showed that mindful based cognitive therapy reduced the risk of relapse of depressed people by an impressive forty-three percent.

I have sincere admiration for this practice because I find it to be one of the most difficult to implement in my life. I experience a constant stream of messages, voices, thoughts and actions flashing through my subconscious minute to minute— like several movies competing on one screen simultaneously, while in fast forward. The chaos of this multi-tasking mentality can truly dull the mind and soul’s ability to fully appreciate and absorb life’s experiences… if you let it. One of those important experiences being when we eat food.

Food goes into your mouth several times a day but how often do you think beyond the bites?

Knowing that you’re eating is not the same as mindfully eating.

Even though we are aware of the physical action, our minds are often elsewhere thinking about a million different things: television, to-do’s, friends, work, etc. A very small part of our awareness is actually focused on eating and even less on the emotions or feelings occurring at the same time. This often leads to a variety of problems such as emotional eating and overeating.

Researchers are learning that teaching overweight people mindful eating skills such as paying closer attention to your bodies’ hunger cues and learning to savor food can help change unhealthy eating patterns and support weight loss. And, unlike other forms of treatment, mindfulness may address the actual underlying problem behind the tendency to overeat (cravings, stress, and emotional eating) which makes it so hard to overcome.

Daily Challenge

Ah, an eating challenge… my favorite kind! Let’s practice a little mindfulness with this short, meditative exercise. It only takes a few minutes so soak up the moment, the food and the chance to savor life’s little pleasures with the one you love.

Items needed:

• a piece of chocolate (try for dark chocolate with greater than 60% cacao for the best health benefits) or a blackberry (if you’re avoiding sugar),
• space to sit
• your significant other.

Begin by exploring this little piece of food, using as many of your senses as possible. First, look at the food. Notice its texture, color and weight in your hand.

Explore the food with your sense of touch. What does this food feel like? Is it hard or soft? Grainy or sticky? Moist or dry?

Notice that you’re not being asked to think, but just to notice different aspects of your experience, using one sense at a time. This is what it means to eat mindfully.

Before you eat, explore this food with your sense of smell. What do you notice?

Now, begin eating. No matter how small your piece of food, take at least two bites to finish it. Take your first bite. Before you chew, allow the food to sit on your tongue for a few moments. How does it feel? Hard or soft? Have your taste buds begun to dissect its sweetness?

Begin chewing very slowly, noticing the sensory experience of chewing and tasting. Remember, you don’t need to think about your food to experience it. Close your eyes for a moment to focus on these sensations.

Continue to notice the texture of the food; the way it feels in your mouth.

Notice if the intensity of its flavor changes, moment to moment.

Take about 20 more seconds to very slowly finish this first bite of food.

Now take your second and last bite. Chew slowly and continue paying attention to the sensory experience of eating this piece of food from the second it touches your tongue, caresses your taste buds and travels down your throat. Just pay attention — with purpose.

Swallow your last bite and open your eyes, if closed. Discuss with your partner what novelties you noticed about this piece of food, your eating experience and how you might implement a portion of mindful eating practice into your daily life.

This “Mouthful of Mindfulness” concept of creating a truly sensational experience can be implemented every minute of each meal. Note that it isn’t always necessary to eat as slowly as our exercise to eat with mindfulness but it is helpful at first to slow down to practice this art. Here’s a handy guide from Eating Mindfully to guide you while practicing this technique. Print it out and put it in your kitchen to help you evaluate your hunger, listen to your body and maximize your wellness at every meal.

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About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

This is the day I’m branching from the less is more attitude. When it comes to sleep— I promise you less is most definitely not more.

We live in a go-go-go society where getting an adequate amount of sleep appears to be increasingly less important… and getting by on minimal sleep is sometimes even glorified. Ever heard someone brag that they only sleep “5 hours a night”? They might as well be boasting they willingly decline good usable brain function under some misplaced notion that this will somehow increase their productivity. Or perhaps you’ve heard the infamous: “you can sleep when you’re dead.” Well, how does signing the death certificate sooner rather than later sound to you?

A study completed by the National Institute on Neurological Disorders observed that rats, which typically live 2-3 years, were denied REM (the deepest level of sleep) only lived about 5 weeks. Rats deprived of all sleep stages? A mere 3 weeks.

Sleep is necessary for our nervous systems to work properly. Some experts suggest that during these snoozing hours certain neurons in our brain shut down and repair themselves. Without this, these neurons become depleted and malfunction. These often shortchanged hours between the sheets are intimately connected to both our brain and body’s function and survival.

I remember the first time I heard the word “sleep hygiene”. I laughed at my nutritionist, sarcastically quipping that I prefer to shower in the mornings. (Hardy har har, I know). He was kind enough to continue on and educate me regarding a variety of practices necessary to have a full-night’s worth of quality sleep:

• Eliminate screen time (T.V., phone, iPad, computer) at least 1 hour before going to bed
• Avoid stimulants such as coffee and alcohol at least 4 hours before bedtime
• Stay away from large meals close to bedtime. If you’re hungry and need a snack before hitting the sack, reach for fresh cherries (these contain natural melatonin) or a warm glass of milk. These foods were listed among the top 10 best foods to promote sleep by Health magazine.
• Block out distracting noise or light as much as possible
• Avoid napping during the day

Reserve your bed for two things only: sleep and sex. No working, T.V. watching or worrying should take place here.
Make your bed a luxury to get cuddled up in: buy some satin sheets or spritz your pillow with relaxing lavender or stress-reducing eucalyptus before lying down

We dedicate about a third of our lives to this ritual we call sleep. If you’re going to spend that much of your time on Earth doing something which directly affects your brain and body’s daily performance, choose to do it well.

Daily Challenge

Tonight make the commitment. 8 hours. That’s how long you’ll spend having some true quality time with your pillow and sheets. Talk with your partner about the time you’ll both need to retire to obtain a minimum of 8 hours and promise to go to bed together. Going to bed at the same time was ranked as one of the top 10 characteristics of happy couples by Women’s Day. Prepare by giving yourselves a night of sleep hygiene luxury: turn off your electronics, take a warm bath in a dimmed room and play some soft instrumental music as you and your mate cuddle up for a night of oh-so-sweet slumber.

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About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Health Habit.

If you haven’t realized that we live in a negative world, then you my friend, are not paying attention. I don’t believe there is a person alive who could say they’ve completely eluded the ever-present rampages of negativity often seen on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Sickness, unpleasant jobs, financial woes, marriage difficulties— you’ve likely absorbed a portion of someone’s negativity (and maybe your own) through the social media screen.

Words can be dangerous. In fact, if you were to sit inside an MRI scanner and have the word “NO” flashed in front of your face for less than a second, there would be an an immediate release of stress hormones and neurotransmitters that would light up that screen. These neurological messengers interrupt normal brain function— impairing logic, processing and reason. A depressed person who views a list of negative words for just a few seconds will feel worse. If they continue to ponder on these words, their appetite, sleep and ability to experience satisfaction will all be adversely affected.

What happens if you then vocalize the words you’ve seen? Or react with a frown? Not only will your brain continue to release damaging stress chemicals but this same phenomenon will also occur in any listener’s brain as well. Listeners of negativity experience anxiety and irritability, often causing mistrust and prejudice towards others. This is why you may notice that negative people tend to be with other… well, other negative people. There’s a mutual exchange of natural reactions occurring between the two bodies’ stress systems and it is controlling their ability to be positive.

So how do we stop this car of pessimism from careening out of control? Repetitive and conscious positive affirmations. In plain English: three positive thoughts. This is the minimum required to overcome one negative expression. It doesn’t matter whether these words of positivity are real or rational. So tell yourself you’d be one fantastic unicorn. they still activate the motivational centers of brain that lead to happiness and satisfaction.

The decision is yours- which words will you pick and project? You may choose the message but the resulting bodily reaction is out of your control. So follow the old adage and “choose your words wisely”— they may be the most powerful thing you put out into the world today.

Daily Challenge

As a wise man once told me, “Look for the beautiful and you will find it.” Find something beautiful about your day, job, partner or life and post it on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. (Use the hashtag #loveumentary so we can see it!) Feel good knowing that not only are you increasing your own positivity but someone else’s brain is also instinctively turning towards the warmth that your small ray of social media sunlight put into the world today.

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

If you thought these 30 days were going to be filled with cross-fit challenges or extreme eating recommendations, then you will be surprised (and hopefully pleased) to know that a common theme that will follow us throughout these 4 weeks will be one of a “less is more” attitude.

When talking about fitness, it is easy to be inundated by all the unlimited and often complex ways to move your body. Infomercials fill up television time with the “newest” and “greatest” way to bust belly fat while gyms spend thousands every year purchasing equipment that covers their floors. I’m not pooh-poohing all other aspects of physical fitness: I love myself a good gym session as much the next person. However, I am suggesting we take a step back and look at a simpler approach to fitness.

If you’re part of the vast majority that doesn’t hit the gym daily or even own a pass, don’t lose sight of the big picture. Fitness is about moving your body and there is a very simplistic, free and effective way to do this: walking.

Now before you go dismissing this idea, look at the benefits of walking as described by the American Heart Association:

• Reduce risk of coronary heart disease
• Improve blood pressure and blood sugar levels
• Improve blood lipid profile
• Maintain body weight and lower risk of obesity
• Enhance mental well being
• Reduce the risk of osteoporosis
• Reduced the risk of breast and colon cancer
• Reduce the risk of non-insulin dependent (type 2) diabetes

If I were to go into any gym, doctor’s office or health food store and ask people if they would be interested in doing something that was 100% cost-free and had all of the above benefits without disclosing the name of the exercise, I’d wager most- if not all- would answer in the affirmative. So let’s drop the prejudice against “just walking” and realize how easy to implement and advantageous this exercise truly is.

Did you know that a study in PsychologyToday, showed that couples who sweat together, stay together? This article describes that during these times of joint physical fitness, couples increased their emotional bond and happiness in their relationship while “making their partner fall more in love with them”. All this in addition to improved efficiency in their workouts and greater success in meeting their health goals.

Daily Challenge

Take your significant other by the hand today, offer them their walking shoes and lead them to the door. It’s time for a little lover’s stroll. This is exclusive time for you two to talk about your day, plan your dreams or even play the “Would You Rather” game (a personal ‘walk and talk’ favorite for my hubby and I). Whatever you discuss, it’s one step towards greater fulfillment in health, happiness and love.

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

Welcome to the Love Health Revolution!

I am beyond ecstatic you’ve chosen to join us during  this 30-day reformation of self. To kick things off, let me provide a little foundation on which we will build our health, habits and happiness over the next month.

Two years ago if you’d asked me if I practiced “wellness”, I would have looked at you like you’d asked me to pull a rabbit from a black hat. At this time in my life, I was overweight, overstressed and overwhelmed with life’s trials and tasks. Now if you’d asked me the same question only 18 months months ago, I would have likely been able to conjure up a semi- intelligent response revolving around weight loss and healthy-eating habits. You see, 18 months ago, I changed. I had just lost 34 pounds by doing something very powerful: eating food. REAL food- not those boxed, bagged or otherwise packaged imitators. The effects were undeniably remarkable and absolutely propelled me down a path of passion for health. Yet, even still, at that time in my journey I’m not sure I would have recognized the essential transformation beyond my body.

See, we’ve been programmed to think that “health” is simply cracking the code of numbers. Lower weight. Smaller pant size. Less calories. That somehow when we unlock these and obtain the physical body we dream waits within the vault… we’ll hold utopia in our hands. 

Yes, the physical function and performance of our bodies is absolutely critical for good health. We all know this— so let’s leave that point on our horizon uncontested. However, let’s try something new. Put down the binoculars that have us hyper-focused on equivocating diet and doubled-up workouts to “being healthy”.  The horizon of health stretches wide and is as beautifully diverse as the colors in a sunset sinking behind the sea. And I challenge you to seek for something new in this masterpiece before you: wellness. What an absolutely refreshing word!

Let’s. Be. WELL.

Perhaps I find this so appealing because I have a testimony of its sustaining fulfillment. I’ve dropped below my goal weight, I’ve worn the dress size I only dreamed of… and I’ve not been well. I’ve been the opposite. I couldn’t understand why if I’d achieved what the world told me was “healthy”— how I could still feel so completely UN-healthy.  I hadn’t recognized true wellness as multi-dimensional and going much, much deeper.

Physical.

Spiritual.

Emotional.

Intellectual.

Social.

These are the five pillars upon which I invite you to rebuild your foundation of health and wellness. During this 30-Day Challenge, each of these dimensions will receive their due discussion and limelight; along with daily, easy-to-implement tips and challenges to infuse wellness into both life and love. Cause this, my friends, is the ultimate goal here: love of health AND love of self. A kind of love that encompasses not just you and me- but mankind and mate. Herein lies the power of the LOVE HEALTH revolution.

To the wonderful life of wellness,

Meg

Daily Challenge

Today’s invitation is simple but profound in preparing you for your own personal wellness journey. Find a place where you won’t be disturbed and lie down on the ground (yes, on the ground, not your bed). Lie face up with your arms and legs spread out—starfish style—and your body relaxed. In yoga, they call this shavasana. It is a time at the end of an exerting practice to reset and regroup.

Now commit to silence and close your eyes. While wrapped in this solace of self-awareness, begin illustrating your own vision of wellness. What does emotional wellness feel like? How does physical wellness look? How might spiritual wellness elevate your life? Which social circles in your life need a well boost? How does intellectual wellness dictate your day? As each of these dimensions permeate your consciousness, allow them to sink in and ponder their meaning to your life, health and love. This may take you 60 seconds or 6 minutes. Either way, when you rise from the ground, do so knowing that you just laid the first crucial bricks in building your foundation for lasting wellness.

To get these posts by email, subscribe here:

About the Author:

Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.

About 2 weeks ago many of us ambitiously set aggressive new years resolutions with the intent to change our lives! Do you remember them?

You’re going to eat healthier and exercise regularly.

You’re going to start waking up earlier to meditate or finally try yoga.

You’re going to stop working so much and start spending more time with the people you love.

You’re going to reconnect with old friends, or finish reading that pile of books sitting on your nightstand.

Typically (at least for me) it’s around this 2-week mark that my determination starts to fade and I start to slip back into old habits… but not this year!

This year I decided to ask for some inspiration and help from my good friend Megan over at My Whole Food Habit.

The Challenge

Megan has generously agreed to create a 30-day wellness challenge for The Loveumentary community.

Starting on the 15th of January I’m turning the blog over to her. Every day she’s going to leave a post on the blog that will to show us how easy it is to take better care of ourselves.

This is important for many reasons:

1. Taking care of yourself (aka practicing self love) is essential to creating amazing relationships. When you are emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually, and socially healthy, you have SO much more to offer those you love. And who wants to be a mediocre lover?
2. Keeping your resolutions shows your level of commitment to keeping your promises to yourself and others. The level of intimacy and commitment you experience in your relationships is directly correlated to your ability to develop trust. And your ability to develop trust is 100% reliant on your ability to make and keep promises. In other words, awesome relationships = making and keeping promises with people. Prove to yourself that your word is good by making a promise to yourself (or a resolution) and keeping it!
3. Happiness comes from progress and growth. We are often scared of change, but change is what makes us strong, helps us learn, and makes us happy. If you’re feeling unfulfilled, stuck, or depressed, it might be because you just need to shake things up a bit. There aren’t many better ways to do that than to introduce some new and uncomfortable habits into your life.

The thing I love about Megan and the challenge she has put together is that she puts a strong focus on overall wellness. So, the next 30 days won’t just be dedicated to doing exercise and eating healthy. She’s also going to encourage us to nurture our most important relationships, show us easy ways to stimulate our minds, and guide us through a little spiritual growth.

If you want to receive these daily posts by email, you can sign up here:

You can also follow the challenge on The Loveumentary Facebook and Instagram pages. And don’t forget to follow My Whole Food Habit on Facebook and Instagram for more amazing wellness tips, recipes, and ideas.

If you REALLY want to take this challenge seriously, join the Loveumentary’s 30 Day Challenge Facebook Group for daily encouragement and support from other people all over the world who will be doing the challenge with you!

Let’s help each other stay committed to those resolutions! When we change ourselves, we change the world.

-Nate

I love The Loveumentary podcast. The podcast is the backbone of the whole concept of The Loveumentary. However, I find myself getting more and more busy… which means I’m not giving the podcast the love and time it deserves.

I would LOVE some help with editing to get more episodes of The Loveumentary published regularly.

My goal is to start publishing episodes on a weekly basis. I currently have dozens of unedited episodes on my hard drive just waiting to be polished up and let loose on the internet.

Here’s what I’m looking for:

• If you are someone who has a background in audio.
• If you are someone who believes in true love and making a difference in the world.
• If you are someone who is ambitious and reliable. (I would love to just be able to get you files and not worry about whether or not an episode will be ready every week.)
• If you are someone who is creative – yes I will allow you to have some creative freedom here. (If you think you can improve the podcast, let’s make it happen!)

Then I want to talk to you… Drop me a line!

Here’s what I can offer you:

• Regular weekly relationship/love coaching
• Your name on The Loveumentary website
• Need college credit? I’ll fill out that paperwork for you.
• Introductions to awesome people in the business and relationship world
• My sincere thanks

About the Podcast

• We had over 100,000 downloads between iTunes, Soundcloud, and other podcast databases in 2014.
• We have a growing fan base on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and elsewhere on the web.
• We’re getting access to more and more influencers and difference-makers in the love industry.
• Most importantly, we’re making a difference in peoples lives.

If you or someone you know can help, please let me know! Thanks you lovers of love.

When something goes wrong, or causes unpleasantness, or weighs me or the ones I love down, I want to find the solution and get back to “normal” as quickly as possible.

I find a pleasure in making pain (whether mine or that of others) go away. On the other hand, I tend to freak out quite a bit when those I love experience pain and I can’t do anything to make it go away.

I’ve been working on this aspect of myself, because I know it’s holding me back in a lot of aspects of my life.

During a conversation with my good friend, Amber Rae, she not only crystalized how the “Fix It” mindset can be so damaging, but she also beautifully expressed a far better alternative to fixing everyone’s problems all the time.

Here are Amber’s words (which I’ve edited a little bit for the sake of clarity). They are being used with her permission:

“I have a tendency to want to fix things for people, which causes suffering on both ends. I’ve learned that what’s even more powerful than fixing is holding space…

I’m learning this with Farhad (Amber’s fiance) because when he’s going throughs something, I want to fix it. Then I began to feel helpless because there was nothing I could do and I thought I was being a bad partner who could never be of service to Farhad. He never wanted me to solve anything for him. He is a brilliant problem solver. He wanted me to love him and hold safe space for him.”

This conversation made me wonder how often I’ve smothered those I love with attempts to fix their problems when all they needed was for me to hold space for them to struggle, sort things out, and grow on their own.

What I’ve learned about myself over the last several months as I’ve become aware of, and observed this tendency to fix is that for a long time I told myself that I was doing the fixing to help others. It recently became clear that the real reason I fix is more selfish.

I am a fixer because I don’t like being uncomfortable. If I can make problems go away (whether mine or others), then I can get back to living comfortably again.

I am a fixer because I’ve told myself the story that if you aren’t happy when your with me then there must be a problem with me. I am not enough for you. I am afraid you will leave me if you are not happy when I’m near.

I fix to avoid confronting my own insecurities, and use the convenient alibi that it’s really all about you.

My new goal for 2015 is not to solve the problems of the people that I love, but to hold space for them, and allow them to find their own answers. Rather than being the handyman, I will be the gardner who waits, and nourishes, an supports, and gives space for people around me to bloom.

Are you a fixer? How has this affected your relationships? What happens when you try to fix others or solve their problems for you?

I often come to her with worries, concerns, or struggles. Sometimes I experience a lot of fear and anxiety around these conversations. I fear that my weaknesses and imperfections will make me unworthy of love.

Yet every time I push through the resistance and open up to her, I am met with more of her patient love, understanding, and acceptance.

She has never raised her voice at me. She has never judged me or thrown my mistakes or fears back into my face.

I have never experienced love and acceptance like that before, and I know that if we can continue to be a soft place to land for each other through our struggles, and trials, and hardships that we will be able to make it through anything life throws our way.

Having a soft place to land – or someone you can talk to about anything without fear of judgement – is so important. Here are some of the things that can help you be a soft place to land for the people you love:

Just Listen

Don’t give advice. Don’t pull weird faces. Don’t fix things. Don’t ask questions.

Just listen.

Whatever the person across from you is sharing is not easy to say. Sit quietly and take it all in.

Reinforce Their Value

Sometimes all we need to hear as humans is that it’s ok to not be perfect. It’s ok to mess up. It’s ok to have weaknesses.

After listening, reassure them that they are still loved. Tell them how important they are to you no matter how much they screw up.

This will help prevent the people you love from falling into a shame cycle, and it will make it easier to come to you in the future.

Forgive

If you are in the place to do so, offer forgiveness.

Forgive quickly and often (when abuse and addictions are not a factor).

When people are freed from the burdens of guilt, they show up for you in the most beautiful and spectacular way. Forgiveness is magical, and when coupled with gratitude, will transform a marriage.

I always knew I wanted to get married and had a family one day. As I dated in my early 20’s, I thought it was only a matter of time before I would be proclaiming my wedding vows to the woman of my dreams in front of all the people I love most.

When marriage didn’t come, and my relationships seemed to start and end more quickly than I’d like to admit, I started to think something was wrong with me. I felt broken and defective as I watched my friends all get hitched and start popping out babies.

Only recently did I realize that it wasn’t me as a person that was the problem, it was the way I was dating.

Throughout my 20’s I approached finding the love of my life like I was shopping for a new car.

When you shop for a car you typically begin with a large pool of options, then eliminate the cars that are out of your price range, have too many miles, or are the wrong color, make, or model. As you narrow down the field, you take a few cars for test drives, then when you find the one that most closely meets all your specifications, you buy it.

There’s only one problem… if you want to find amazing love, you cannot comparison shop! It simply doesn’t work.

When you make decisions for your love life by comparing a never-ending supply of people with countless different attributes, qualities, talents, and interests against each other, there can never be a clear “best choice.”

People who comparison shop for love want the most bang for their buck. They’re constantly checking Tinder, Match, and OKCupid for new, more attractive, more compatible matches with the hope of eventuality upgrading to a better model. Even when these people finally do choose a partner, they continue to have wandering eyes, and wonder if life would be better if they could find someone who was slightly more compatible, relatable, or beautiful.

They’re never completely dedicated to or satisfied with the person they decide to be with.

Love cannot grow or thrive with this mindset… which is a big reason why so many of these relationships are over nearly as quickly as they begin.

So, if you can’t find love using a decision-making method, what are your alternatives?

Rather than making a “decision” you must make a “choice.”

What’s the difference? Let me explain:

The word “decision” contains the Latin root “cis” which means to cut off, or kill. (See: incision, scissors, circumcision)

When you make a decision, you’re figuratively “cutting off” all other options until only one (the one that most closely fits your expectations) remains, just like the car shopping example above.

Choosing, on the other hand, is a values-based process. Choosing doesn’t require having all possible information. Choosing doesn’t even require you to compare one thing against another.

When making a choice, you take a look at what’s important to you, or what direction you’d like your life is going… or you listen to what your gut says, and then… you simply choose.

When you choose to love someone rather than deciding to love them, they won’t feel the pressure to always be perfect for you. They won’t have to live in fear of not meeting your unspoken standards or expectations. They get the freedom to be their perfectly imperfect selves with the knowledge that they will continue to be worthy of your love.

Choosing love creates the perfect ecosystem to grow love. When you choose to love someone, they have everything the need to flourish, thrive, be vulnerable, and connect with you in a deeply human way.

The beauty of love is found in its simplicity. Put simply, love is waking up every day — and despite any other options, feelings, emotions, thoughts, fears, concerns, or worries — choosing to love your partner. There are no considerations that need to be made. There’s no comparing. There’s no bartering or haggling.

Love only works when you choose someone. The moment you choose all other options cease to matter. Simply choose each other every single day.

Choose what you love. Love what you choose.