Play at the right level

There is a world of media out there and a whole world of people that one can connect with online. When it comes to young people especially, we must ensure they are playing at the right level. We want them to connect with the right people, play games that are suitably challenging but developmentally appropriate and hang out on social media and online spaces that are OK for their level of social and emotional maturity. When we play out of our league, we may well end playing against opponents with an unfair advantage and environments that are beyond our capabiltities. For parents,  this may mean checking age recommendations, reading those reviews, playing that game or hanging out on that social network yourself, in order to become aware of the pitfalls and to ensure the playing arena is one they can manage. 

First and foremost, it has to be fun

When we spend time online and it stops being fun, then it stops being a safe and positive use of our time. When we are feeling excluded, being bullied, abused, when we are constantly comparing ourselves to what everyone else is doing or when we are left feeling depleted, threatened, or fearful in any way, we must abort the game, leave the playing field or make changes to our teammates or opponents. We must be aware of the impacts our time online has on us, the tools we have at hand to ensure we don’t accept certain behaviours from others and continually maintain control over our experiences. 

Spend some time on the bench

Too much of anything is never a good thing,  so of course we need to balance time with playing online to spending some time doing other pursuits and most importantly time resting. Rest and recovery is a crucial component of any activity and the same must surely be said for time connected to a device. Having regular breaks throughout the day, making time for all of the other things that matter and getting plenty of sleep away from a device must be a priority.  Getting that time disconnected from a device allows us to reset the brain and the body, to give the eyes a rest and give ourselves the best chance to get up again ready to play and perform at our best. 

Pick someone up when they are down

Sometimes we see people having a tough time online. Being abused, being excluded, or showing signs that all is not well. Reach out a hand to lift people up, check in on them, let them know someone has their back. Call out abuse online, report people when you see them abuse others. Remove yourself from a group chat that is turning nasty and be the one to call out bad behaviour. 

Steer clear of personal attacks

Keep arguments, differing opinions or opposing interpretations to a civil nature based on the issue at hand and without reverting to personal attacks. Just as we can cheer and support from the sidelines or get around our teammates on the sporting field, we do so without abusing umpires, making personal jibes at opposition and we stick to the game or the issue at hand. When having a conversation with someone online, the minute it gets personal, gets abusive or moves away from rational and considered conversaton,  is the minute we need to consider aborting that conversation, blocking or muting that person, handing out our own version of a red card and moving on without their further input. 

Not everyones follows the rules: be prepared for that

Whilst of course we would like everyone to play it fair online, we also know that unfortunately, there are always going to be those that don’t play by the rules. There will continue to be those that want to cheat others or give themselves an unfair advantage to bring someone down. For those times we need to be building up our resilience to manage those situations and to steer clear of people that seek that pathway. We need to know when to walk away, when to shrugg our shoulders, when to pick up our bat and ball and leave the playing field in order to preserve our own safety and wellbeing.

Incorporate some post game analysis

Everytime we spend time online it can be helpful to reflect on the experience and monitor the effects and impacts of that time online. Are there some people you don’t need to follow right now? Did you find yourself mindlessly scrolling with little conscious thought? Is the content you are consuming of any value? Are you feeling more agitated than you were before you got online? Regular post play reflection and analysis can ensure that you are continuing to monitor the effects of your time online and remain in control of your online experiences. 

In all walks of life, playing it fair should always be the common goal. Use this Safer Internet Day as a way to continue the conversations around all the ways you can play it fair online, every time and in every place online.  

The post Play It Fair Online: Safer Internet Day 2022 appeared first on The Modern Parent.

Questions such as these are regular from parents, and pretty valid questions considering the combination of children ruminating the fact that everyone is allowed but them, coupled with the repeated headlines about the danger of the latest game or series or social media and how by allowing this or that you are ruining any chance your child has of developing into a functioning adult.  Don’t get me wrong…many of these are completely innappropritae for certain young people, for certain age groups, for certain personalities and for certain families.  So the warnings can be very valid.

So how do you make the call? How do you know if you are doing the right thing by giving in to the pressures, the pleas of being left out and the guilt trip your kid puts on you for ruining their whole social life and future prospects?

Here are a few questions to ponder in order to make your decisions….

What do the experts say?

Yes there are people that take a deep dive into the media to determine the appropariateness of said game, platform or movie based on a range of psychological and developmental indicators. But remember to read a few different ones so you recognsie the common concerns and can get a better understanding of the exact reasons why they may be warning against or telling you its fine. One of the best online reviews for all media can be found at commonsensemedia.org where there are comprehensive reviews and explorations as to why there may be concerns, who may be at risk and what are the actual themes, language, concepts and content that they will be exposed to. And you get to hear from both adults and children who give their points of view.

Have you watched it, played it, engaged with it yourself?

I think this one is probably the most important. When in doubt, watch part of that series first to ascertain its appropriateness. Or have a play of that game for a bit. If  you want to try before you buy, watch someone else play it on youtube. You will only have to watch for a short time to get a good feel as to whether your child is going to be able to handle whatever you see and hear. You may decide they are not, or you may decide you would like to discuss with them the content first to get a feel for how they will manage it, what their thoughts are and whether they have the capabilities to remain safe. If it is a social network, again have a play around with what you can see. How do people engage with it and what are the sorts of things the technology is capable of doing. Then you can decide whether you child has what it takes to manage all of that.

What is your childs developmental maturity?

How do you see their phsycial, cognitivie, social and emotional development right now?  Remember that you know your child well so giving them access to watch Squid Games because others in their year level have watched it is not going to be appropriate for your child who still doesnt like to sleep alone or without the light on. Or if you have a child who gets particularly impacted or triggered by scary things or violence. Or maybe it just runs in complete oppposition to the values you are trying to instil in your young person right now. Remember too, that age alone does not determine this cognitive, social and emotional development. (You can read more about this in a previous post “Social Media Age Restricitons: Why the system isnt working”)

If your young person is wanting social media or any platorm where they are interacting and connecting with others,  here is just a handful of some of the questions they will need to be able to answer if they are going to stay physically and emotionally safe and well on these platforms.

• Does your young person know the difference between friends and followers?
• Do they know how to mute, block or report people?
• Do they know how to abort a conversation that isnt going well?
• How do they know that person is exactly who they say they are?
• Could their moods affect how they engage with people online?
• Would they know how/if to respond to a nasty comment?
• Would they save sensitive conversations for real life?
• How would they react to unwanted contact or attention?
• Could they be basing their self worth on the judgements of strangers?
• Do they believe everything just because it is written?
• Do they have any understanding of their digital footprint?

This is by no means an exhaustive list but hopefully it gives you some understnsding of the critical thinking needed to happily and healthily engage with others in the online world and a glimpse at some of the conversations we may like to be having with them to ensure this happens.

How will you monitor the effects?

Is is just about handing it over, forgetting about it and then dealing with the consequences,  or can you have an easing in period? Can you offer them a trial run where you have access to their social netowork or gaming acount to check in on conversations, friend lists and interactions with others? Can you offer a trial period to ensure they comply with some ground rules that includes no tantrums when you ask them to put it away? Look at how your young person responds so that if it all goes bad, at least you can have some solid reasons why you may next time say ‘no’ or why you may like to approach things differently.

What are their real reasons for wanting it?

Have you discussed why they really want to watch it, play it or engage in it? Is there something else they could use to ensure the same outcomes? Have they really thought about the necessity of viewing it or is it just becasue everyone else is talking about it? Have open communication with your kids about the reasons you have concerns or the reasons you come to certain decisions.  At the same time giving them some input into the dialogue and by acknowledging their perspective, you will help ensure they feel heard and will more likely adhere to any boundaries that are put in place.

Can you make it safer?

Most social networks and games are not at their safest by default. Most need you to go in and change to a private account, or prevent a user being approached by randoms,  or hide obscene langage and illicit content. So always go into the privacy settings to see what is on offer. Maybe it is turning off offensive words, phrases or emojis in the comments section of Instagram, maybe its ensuring your child is playing Roblox using the correct age, maybe it is turning off the chat feature in Twitch, removing references to guns and violence, preventing in app purchases or accessing family friendly servers in Minecraft. Take the time to regualrly visit the privacy settings to give you some (not 100%) peace of mind that they are engaging in the safest way they can.

Remember however, we cannot rely on settings alone to keep kids safe and well. We cannot rely on the opinions of others alone to keep kids safe and well. And we cannot rely on their age alone to ensure they have everything they need to be physically, socially and emotionally healthy and well, wherever they find themselves and whatever they do, play, watch and see online.

So continue to talk, communicate your concerns, live by your values,  but listen to theirs too in order to come up with something that gives them the boundaries they need. At the same time, when we offer them guidance, support and teach them critical thinking, we are doing our best to equip them to happily and healthily engage in media that will ensure their physical and mental health and wellbeing remains a priority.

For more help to Raise a Great Kid in the Digital World, you can purchase my book either as a hard copy, or a PDF delivered straight to your inbox. 

The post Should I let my child watch Squid Games, play Fortnite, get Tik Tok? appeared first on The Modern Parent.

When talking about the online behaviours, interactions, connections, consumption and everyday immersion into a world of technology, screens, gaming and devices, parents are often looking for the magic bullet to keep their young daughters safe online. To keep them mentally well. To keep them balanced and in control and in charge of how they turn up online. To stop them meeting predators, to ensure they are not caught up in a world of comparison and exclusion and bullying. To be sure that they are still particpiating in other real world pursuits and getting active with face to face connections and fresh air.

And there are certainly many things we can do as parents. Much information we can educate ourselves to. Many boundaries we can enforce. Many discussions we can have and much that we can do in terms of navigating this world together with our young people.

And I have written a whole book on many of the ways we can do this so I know that it isnt a “one size fits all” formula or indeed a magic bullet.

Thriving online and maintaining control over our online connections, interactions and behaviours, relies on so many aspects of a young girl’s growth, development and adolescent journey.

We need to ensure they have stability, security, rituals and routines that provide for a strong sense of self and a confidence to achieve.

It may mean understanding the importance of how they view themselves in positive ways, including their body image and how show up in a world of filters, influencers, selfies and the social currency of likes and comments.

It may mean focusing on positive role models and immersing in the wider community, helping others and ensuring they are feeling part of something bigger than themselves.

It may mean being able to manage anxiety and other mental health challenges in a way that doesnt see them played out in online spaces that exaccerbate their experiences or lead them to seek out people and places that further amplify those challenges.

It may mean being able to manage friendship dramas, prevent playground spats from spilling over to online chats and it may mean being able to handle all the good, the bad and the ugly of a seemingly simple group chat or status update.

It may mean managing all of the changes bought on by puberty, hormones and adolescent growth, in a world that sometimes seems to move faster than they are ready for.

It may mean exploring relationships, sexuality, broken hearts and disappointment in a world where emotions and misplaced trust can lead to mistakes, oversharing, embarrassment and shame…. all piled on to the everyday stressors of life today.

I recently recorded an interview with Dr Justin Coulson for his Miss Connection Summit on raising girls who thrive at life. I spoke about all of the things we can do to help young girls manage their screentime and their developing adolecence in and amongst this very permanent and public digital world. But of course as I have outlined, there are so many elements to raising great kids that relies on facing a myriad of challenges.  In this summit,  Justin will help you do just that,  by focusing on these crucial elements with 9 of the best experts in their field.

Here is the line up that absolutely will help you raise young girls who thrive,  both online and off.

• Turia Pitt on reseileince and doing the hard things in life (the price is worth it for this one speaker alone! she has certainly walked her talk!)
• Taryn Brumfit on body image and embracing your body (crucial in this very social media, influencer, comparison soaked world)
• Dr Ginni Mansberg on puberty and periods ( say no more!)
• Rebecca Sparrow on ‘drama cyclones’ and friendships (crucial for any online interactions and group chat scenarios!)
• Madonna King on fathers and daughters (author of 12 books, so she certainly knows her stuff)
• Dr Jodi Richardson on anxiety (I have worked many times with Jodi and if anyone knows anything about anxiety and girls she is definelty well versed)
• Michelle Mitchell on self harm (unfortunately an ever rising concern for parents of young girls and Michelle has so much wisdom, and written amazing books, on this very topic)
• Paul Dillon on drugs and alcohol (another very precarious topic and one that can certainly play a big role in how our young girls lives sometimes play out online)

and of course myself on screens and teens and the fabulous Dr Justin Coulson (father of 6 daughters) on all the practical advice, research, tips and strategies to help you focus on the most important connection of all …the one you have with your daughter.

So if you would like to take up this fantastic offer and take $50 off the purchase price for this amazing summit of speakers, then click on the link here and grab your ticket. Once you have a ticket you can watch all the speakers either live or at any time that suits you, as many times as you want to for the rest of your life! That is pretty much the best value you will get in terms of expert parenting advice.

Miss-Connection Summit  

Please note the $99 price is only until September 28 when it will change to $149. (still great value but you may as well save some dollars)

The post What girls really need to thrive online appeared first on The Modern Parent.

The greatest tool in my toolkit,  for myself and my family, is to try and focus on “controlling the controllables”.  Because I have no say in the trajectory of this strain of Covid-19.  I have no say over the decisions of my governments. I am unable to send my kids to school even though I would very much like to.  I would love to be watching my kids run around on foobtall ovals and basketball courts and watch as they feel all the emotions of winning, losing and being with their mates. And I would love to be sitting at the MCG on a Saturday afternoon with a meat pie, the sun in my eyes and listen to the bellowing roar of crowds….even those from the opposition team. But alas, those things are out of my control right now. So instead we have no choice but to focus on the things we can do every day, or at least attempt to do everyday, in order to make my life and the lives of my family members, a little less crappy.

At risk of sounding like a Nike commercial I have added the word “just” in front of these as the premise is not that you have to do all of things perfectly every day. It is about just doing what serves you right now. What you can manage in that moment and recognise that just a little action, just a few consious thoughts and just allowing yourself some movement in the right direction, is going to serve you well.

Just Connect with someone: we have plenty of close connections going on within the 4 walls of our households…but we may also like to reach out for other connections too. A phone call, a message, a video call or an online group chat where you share the good, the bad and the ugly can often be all the tonic we need.

Just move the body: do something physical.  Be that a walk, a morning stretch, an online fitness session or even just a dance in the kitchen with your favourite tunes. Our bodies were made to move and not be sitting at our desks all day.

Just get something done: I am a big ‘list doer’ and ‘crosser offerer’  so no matter how big or small a task, if you accomplish something it always makes you feel better. The other day my to do list included cleaning the dogs bowl. No it wasnt massive, but I’d been putting it off for a while. I felt a lot more satisfaction on completion of that task than was probably warranted….but the satisfaction was there all the same and those minutes had some purpose.

Just ask for help: this is no time to be too proud (well no time is)….but especially now. So get rid of that help seeking stigma and cut yourself some slack. Plenty of people may well be reaching out for help right now, but plenty of people are also really ready willing and able to be that help.

Just eat something nourishing: And if you splurge out, binge out or wallow in a pack of chicken twisties that’s ok…just make sure there is some nourishing, wholesome stuff in there too.

Just laugh: whether its a funny show, a laugh at yourself or the sharing of copious amounts of covid memes that really do get you through the day. Laughter truly is the best medicine.

Just sleep: We know everything feels better after some decent shut eye, and whilst it can be easy to slip into a lazy routine feeling as though there is nowhere you actually have to be…sticking with good sleeping routines (trying not to all asleep with a phone on your forehead) really does put you in the best position to allow that brain and body to rest, reset and tackle whatever the new day brings.

Just chill: there is a time for work, there is a time to battle with home learning and a time to just chill out and leave the noise behind. Turn off the news, close done the social media, ignore the press conferences and just spend some time forgetting about stuff that really isnt going to go away and really isnt going to serve you well in that moment.

Just help someone: If you are in a position to help soemone there is nothing that can give you a better pick me up than doing good for someone else. Whether its baking some cookies for a neighbor, donating to a charity that is feeding those in need or offering to do someones shopping. Are there any ways your kids can help others? There is no motivator in life like that of feeling as if you have a purpose and you are somehow fulfilling someones need.

Just breathe: when all else fails nothing calms the nervous system and settles the panic, the anxiety and the overwhelm like some big deep breaths. Take some good love and light into your lungs and expend the rubbishy thoughts and the stuff that isn’t serving you. Even if its just sitting for 3 quiet deep breaths, even if your day is simply about moving one foot in front of the other…..just keep breathing.

All of theses things sound pretty much like stuff you’ve probably heard before. There’s a reason for that. By doing these things you are engaging in strategies that have had multitudes of scientific evidence and research to back up the physical, cognitive, emotional and social benefits they have on your overall health and wellbeing. They are also very much practises that have been espoused by the most knowing of philosphers and practised by the healthiest and longest living members of civilisatons over many centuries.

You can call this stuff self care, self preservation, self discipline,  giving your vagus nerve a workout or just plain dealing with the crappy stuff with the best tools you have at hand.

It’s just yourself, your mindset and your consious effort to do what you, and I, and a good portion of the world, knows will work wonders to make each day a little less crappy.

The post 10 tips to get through crappy times appeared first on The Modern Parent.

It is all too familiar, the path is well trodden and the expectations well rehearsed. And yet, for most it appears the foreboding sense of dread does not seem to be getting any easier to navigate.  In fact for many, each lockdown press conference, each well rehearsed set of rules, border closure and return to remote learning, seems to be getting a little harder to handle. Yes we are tired and disappointed and feeling out of control. But, we also know that we have only one choice but to live through it ….again…and possibly again and again. 

So how can we help ourselves and our families cope with whatever current situation you find yourself in? Well, really it has to be in whatever way you can muster. But here are some ideas on how we can manage the many elements of lockdown life to help look after our wellbeing and see us through ….yet again. 

Coping with disappointment

Weddings cancelled, parties put on hold, milestones missed and sporting fixtures sabotaged. It’s hard and it’s disappointing and obviously the degree to which these disappointments impact people can vary greatly.  But the disappointments are always there. Sit with that disappointment and allow yourself to feel sad, but also know that it is out of your control so try not to let it take over every part of you. When your kids are sad about missing big games, big milestones, allow them to be sad. Let them feel that, but also remind them that they have done this before. They have experienced many, many disappointments over the last couple of years and for the most part they got through it. They have a fair bit of resilience building up inside them right now. And try to remember that the times when we do get to catch up with friends at a party, hug those friends on the dancefloor or run out with mates on that footy field…..always seem to feel a little sweeter and a little more special when it does (as it will) happen again. 

Coping with distractions

For many parents, having kids around 24/7, trying to manage your own work, as well as managing remote learning or little kids that require seemingly constant attention is hard. Hopefully you are in a workplace that recognises this and the expectations mirror that reality. Try to find a routine that works in order to get your most urgent work done in times that are not going to require as much attention from your kids.  Maybe you could work out a schedule at the start of the day if you have a partner also working from home. You take it in turns to take the kids out for a walk or to the park for a time so the other can have some uninterrupted time. If that is not an option it may also mean handing over the ipad for a couple (or many) hours more than you would usually be comfortable with.  As long as they are not doing anything unsafe or hanging out on dodgy websites then it is unlikely to do them any real damage. It might, however, just save a little of your sanity. 

Coping with the unpredictable

Covid 19 has presented us with a lot of unpredictability. It changes by the hour and planning for anything has become a thing of the past. As humans we like predictability. We like to know what is happening and when and how. It gives us a sense of security. And this is certainly true for our kids. But we cannot predict how long lockdowns last for, when they happen or how many more we will have. So it is important we try and take back some of this predictability for our kids. Rituals and routines become a crucial part of lockdown lives. We all had rituals that we have done before and seem to pick up again each time. Maybe it’s walking the dog after dinner, a board game at night, a lunchtime kick of the footy, shooting some hoops or a bedtime story. Having everyone at home all the time also means mealtimes can be a time of coming together regularly. Research tells us that those who sit at the table and eat together do feel a greater sense of security which is replicated with greater wellbeing outcomes later on. So use this time to keep those little rituals going and provide whatever predictability we can. 

Coping with overwhelm

 There will be times when it all feels too much. Remember the importance of self care for yourself as a parent and remember to role model behaviours that show you looking after yourself. Self care is not selfish. It’s about doing whatever you need to do to put yourself in the best position to handle the day, the kids, the workload or the everyday stressors. Be conscious of the things that you know you need. Fresh air, exercise, good food, a chat with a friend, a cup of tea and good book, plenty of sleep, and of course asking for help if you need it. 

Coping with comparison

You may find yourself continually comparing yourself to what other people are doing or achieving at this time, and it may well be affecting your sense of self worth or just making you feel a little crappy. There is nothing wrong with other people’s achievements of course, but be mindful of the stories you are telling yourself and remember the often ‘glossed over’ view we get of others on social media.  Steer clear of the platforms, the people or the online places that you know are not going to serve you well. This can be hard as we also know we can get connection and support from our online connections, but choose them wisely when you can. 

Coping with the uncontrollables

There is a lot of stuff we can’t control right now. We can’t control covid 19, restrictions, where we can go, shop or visit or whether our kids go to school. So instead just aim to control the controllables. What are the things you can do and the decisions you can make in your own home to hold on to some of that control. We can still decide how we spend a lot of the time, how much activity we do, what foods we eat, how much sleep we get, what routines we take up and hopefully how much fresh air we can get which is crucial for our wellbeing in so many ways. We can also put ourselves in control of how much news and media we consume (I suggest limiting it to a “needs to know” basis) and of course we can control what we watch on Netflix. (Here is also a great list of things to listen to, watch and read from my friend Vanessa at Style and Shenanigans)

At the end of the day I urge you to cut yourselves and your kids some slack. Run your own race or shuffle along at whatever pace suits you right now. Our mental health and wellbeing, and the mental health and wellbeing of our kids is the most important thing right now, regardless of where you are right now. 

The post Coping with Covid Lockdowns…..again appeared first on The Modern Parent.

But how do we build that resilience? How do we help instil resilience in our young person when it doesn’t seem to be something that they were naturally blessed with? 

Enter this fabulous book I have just finished by Claire Eaton called “ROC and RISE: the teenagers guide to building the Resilience, Optimism and Confidence needed to level up at school, in relationships and life”. 

And the good news is, resilience is not something that magically appears or we are even necessarily born with…..resilience, optimism and confidence can all be worked at, nurtured and built upon, with the strategies and understandings that Claire outlines in her book. 

In order to ROC (live with Resilience, Optimism and Confidence), the first section of the book outlines a set of fundamentals based on the idea that we have a ROC line. That is a line that divides the ups and downs within you, separating your thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviours into two sections. The line serves as a visual cue to ask yourself “Am I below or above the line right now?”.  It is normal to experience both sides of the line and neither can exist without the other. In order to ROC however, you must tune into ‘you’, and in order to RISE, you must act on everything you tune into.

This book certainly helps you do that. 

Claire outlines how blockers work to prevent you from realising your potential whilst boosters are the strategies, tips and tools to have ready at hand when you fall below the line and want to climb back up, or when you are above the line and want to stay and enjoy the view. 

Other fundamentals of learning to ROC, look at recognising ‘heart talk’ and ‘body talk’ as indicators of where you are at any time, and how you can use these indicators to help regulate and manage your resilience, optimism and confidence levels. 

This book realistically outlines the challenges faced by young people and recognises that all our lives are full of ‘stuff’. Friends, school, homework, social media, rules, parents, injuries and parties are all of the stuff that can play a role in how we turn up each day. By following Claire’s fundamental strategies, young people can help to accept, react and respond in a way that endeavours to keep them above the line…… despite all of that stuff. 

The Road to Resilience

I particularly love the strategy known as the ‘Harry Shake’ named after the author’s dog.  The Harry Shake refers to the big shake dogs do to release trapped emotions. It’s instinctively soothing for them, restoring balance to their body. It doesn’t have to be limited to dogs however. If Harry can shake it off you can too! This reminded me of my other strategy to shake it off…the good old ‘shrug’. 

I also love the take on fear and failure explored by Claire.

 “If failure is a false start, then give yourself permission to tweak so you can try again”.  There is plenty of understandings around the role fear as well as fear of failure plays in wellbeing. It looks at giving yourself permission to not feel like you have to completely remove the fear, as this would likely be unrealistic, but rather give yourself the ability to take the next move forward DESPITE the fear. And one of my favourite mantras of all that will always help give us perspective and realistic actions forward is to  “control the controllables”.  I am also always harping on about the fact that we cannot control the actions, behaviours or words of other people online or off, but we can always control if or how we respond to them. 

Finding Optimism

A sense of optimism is something that we may well be genetically imposed with to a point, but it is again certainly something we can work towards. Some of the ways Claire outlines to do this is by the use of the word “yet”. Adding that onto the end of our sentence can give us a sense of possibility rather than the futility of a finite response. Instead of “I haven’t passed my drivers test”, we can instead say “I haven’t passed my drivers test yet”. 

It also outlines the importance of finding the right crew to hang out with and surround ourselves with, which can certainly be one of the trickier aspects of growing up today. Other great optimism boosters look at the power of music, our furry friends, clearing clutter, our vision and vibe boards and settling into our Hygge Haven (pronounced hoo gah). A Norwegian word meaning “to create a cosy, safe place and space of your own”. 

Cruising with Confidence

The book finishes with some fabulous confidence boosters that are again outlined by a realistic understanding of all the “stuff” that presents itself to young people everyday. It is that stuff that can threaten to get in the way and make you feel like life’s a race. This book does an amazing job of reminding us that we are all on a separate individual journey and that we all see ourselves and the world around us in different ways. However we look at it, we are all in a position to take the reins as best we can, and take steps, no matter how big or small, towards our potential to ROC and Rise. 

What I also loved about this book:

• There is plenty of space to write, scribble and reflect, in order to recognise and take action on our thoughts, feelings, actions and behaviours.
• It realistically discusses the challenges faced by young people today without ‘sugar coating’ the adolescent journey. 
• This book is super helpful both as a parent, carer, educator or anyone who works with young people, but also particularly helpful to young people themselves. 
• Of course this book builds resilience, optimism and confidence for all young people in all situations, but I firmly believe that if we are living this way offline, then those thoughts, feelings, behaviours and actions translate to the way we show up in the digital world.
• This book encourages young people to try again, to recognise weakness, to focus on the positives and ‘to be at home with the shade, in order to shine”. 

If you would like to get a copy of this book both for yourself and for any young person in your life, than I emphatically urge you to head to claireeaton.com.au where you can grab your copy of ROC and Rise or her other book Hello high School which includes 85 tips for high school teens that boost friendships, mindset, productivity and success. 

The post ROC and RISE to build digital resilience appeared first on The Modern Parent.

Questions for parents to ask of themselves

Through whose eyes and ears is my child viewing the world?

This question is relevant to so many elements of the digital world and one we need to really think about if we want to raise emotionally resilient, safe, savvy, critical thinkers. This question allows us to pay attention to the people, the pages, the influencers and the creators that shape the opinions of our children. Who is in their feed? Who is appealing to them? Whose point of view are they exposed to? Are those views leading to certain actions and behaviours? Are they healthy, balanced, real and true? What conversations can I have with my kids about curated feeds, empathy, opinion, advertising and marketing? And how may the individual experiences of a globally connected world affect their values, beliefs and the way they show up in the online world?

How does my child hear me talk about technology?

Are your own views, experiences or bias determining the way you talk about the technology? Could this have an affect on how your child sees your relationship to the digital world…and thus even to themselves? Are you remaining relevant to your child? Would they see you as someone to turn to should something go wrong online? What would your kids think you would do should they find themselves in trouble online?

How would I react if I found out sexualised images of my child had circulated online? Would I know what steps to take?

As a parent when we are feeling our child’s wellbeing or safety is threatened, our natural reactions may be anger, it may be reactionary and it may not always be helpful. Thinking ahead about possible scenarios our kids may find themselves in can help us be better prepared should those situations or other similar ones arise. This post here may help with some of that thinking when it comes to the sending of nudes and image based abuse. We can also think about this when it comes to being bullied, doing the bullying or being exposed to violence and pornography. There are also simple reporting tools on the Office of the eSafety Commission website for those in Australia to help with these questions.

Starting the chat with your kids

How do you think growing up with access to the online world makes your childhood different to mine?

A really great conversation starter to get kids to look critically at the role technology plays in their lives and their childhood. What ways is it positive and helpful? What ways is it negative or unhelpful? What does it help them achieve, what does it prevent them from doing? When does it make you feel happy, motivated and inspired? When does it make you feel sad, angry or anxious? Getting them to think about the ways the online world has an affect on all of the different aspects of their lives allows them to think a little deeper about their relationships to it. It will help them think about those things they will nurture and develop, as well as how they can better tackle the challenges and pitfalls.

What would you do if you could see that a friend or peer was being bullied online?

This is a great way to talk about the challenges of online interactions and the strategies that we need to think about in order to help others online. It is also a great way to talk to kids without the focus being on them. We obviously want them to have strategies to deal with bullying themselves, but kids are not always willing to hand over that information if it may be affecting them directly. Using other examples of things that happen online can also help to provide that buffer to talk more freely about how certain situations played out and how they could possibly have been handled better should they happen again. Here is a post on managing group chats which can be a haven for drama and cyberbullying.

What are the things you think technology, gaming or devices may take you away from?

I love this question to get kids to think about the role the screens play in their lives, which most importantly, allows them to look critically at how they prioritise their time. What are all of the things they love to do aside from the devices? If getting fit is important, how may that be impacted by their time on devices? If writing or playing music is important, are they carving out enough time for that practise? By helping kids to recognise the time they want to spend on certain activities they can help create some balance and maintain control over their time on screens. Of course playing video games may well be one of the things they most want to spend their time on. There is nothing wrong with that necessarily, as long as they are finding time to have all of their other needs met for a healthy, balanced life.

These are just a handful of the many, many ways we can start the chat with our kids, with our students and even with our colleagues. In fact in my book The Modern Parent: Raising a Great kid in the digital world” I have 132 such questions to start the chat both with ourselves and our families.

I’d love to hear about some of your conversations. How are you going to “start the chat” this Safer Internet Day 2021?

The post Safer Internet Day 2021: Start the chat appeared first on The Modern Parent.

Physical benefits of nature

Spending time amongst nature’s living landscape can help lower blood pressure, manage heart rate, muscle tension and the production of stress relieving hormones. In essence a pleasing environment helps all of those things, whilst an environment that is not so pleasing can induce feelings of anxiety, stress and put pressure on the immune system. The Japanese practise of forest bathing has been proven to result in optimum nervous system function, well balanced heart conditions and reduced bowel disorders. Contact with natural light is also said to have greater therapeutic benefits on stress, immunity and blood pressure.

Psychological benefits of nature

Psychologically speaking, nature can improve mood, highlight mindful feelings and greater wellbeing through lowering the production of the stress hormone cortisol. I certainly know that the daily walk to the park or around our local lake was my saviour to get me through the months of lockdown during covid.

Cognitive benefits of nature

Cognitively, nature can provide respite for overactive minds. This means the concentration levels can be improved when taking a break and immersing oneself in nature. We are able to refresh ourselves to experience greater concentration when we must return to cognitive tasks. Some studies have also shown those who spend more time in nature have greater memory retention and concentration levels. So getting up from the screens for a walk around the block, spending some time playing with a pet or lying out under a tree should always be part of your productivity schedule.

Social benefits of nature

Socially, those surrounded by nature can feel greater sense of connectedness. Reports have also suggested that those in urban areas with greater access to trees and green space have stronger feelings of unity with neighbours. They are even more likely to reach out to help others.

Emotional benefits of nature

Emotionally, nature has also been seen to inspire greater feelings of wellbeing. Parts of the brain have been shown to ignite feelings of empathy and love when participants viewed nature scenes as opposed to those associated with greater stress and anxiety when viewing urban scenes.

Building global awareness

By spending time in nature, we encourage feelings of concern for the planet. When we reap all of the benefits, we can help to build a generation of kids who are passionate about doing their bit to ensure the spoils of nature remain for future generations.

Getting more green in our daily lives

Now of course that doesn’t mean we have to all pack up from our urban or suburban dwellings and head bush…but it does mean that we can take heed of the research and do what we can to catch as many snippets of nature as we can and build in regular outdoor excursions into our day.

• Head out for a walk: regardless of where you live, the weather, the amount of greenery….the feeling of the wind, sun, rain and even snow on your face can be enough to invigorate, refresh and replenish.

• Have regular breaks when working. Especially when working from home, taking 15 minutes to play with a dog (one of natures great living creatures!) can do wonders for concentration and wellbeing.

• Bring the nature in. Pot plants and indoor greenery have also been proven to improve mood and wellbeing. Plants can also clean air by absorbing toxins, increase humidity and produce oxygen. (Obviously with kids and animals in the home it is also important to check which ones may be toxic or affect allergies and asthma).
  Similar to viewing nature, bringing the sounds of nature into your home and environment can also lead to benefits. It is no surprise that many meditation and mindfulness apps are based around the calming noises of the oceans, animals and bush sounds.

• Make outside/nature quotas to go along with screen hours. If kids are spending increasing amounts of time on screens without a break, it may be time to offer them time on a screen in lieu of time spent outdoors, in nature or being active. Whilst this can be tricky at the start, and may certainly be harder for different age groups, it is important to build in a culture of balanced play into our kids lives. It needs to become something that just happens, rather than something that has to be continuously enforced. Providing plenty of opportunities to head out and about together as a family or give your kids a little free reign to head out with mates and enjoy the independence that brings, will help encourage those habits that become a way of life.

• Preventing nature-deficit disorder. Yes it is an actual thing. Basically nature-deficit disorder is a loss of connection of humans to their natural environment. And despite our increased reliance on technology, screens and social media, we do not have to give in to this.

Let’s prove we can do both. Let’s spend time in the green, despite our digital world of the screen.

The post A little less screen and a little more green appeared first on The Modern Parent.

Are they ready for a device?

There can be many factors to take into consideration here and many have been outlined in this previous post I wrote on the appropriate age for social media…..and indeed why age alone should not be the deciding factor.

There can actually be some benefits to giving kids a device at younger ages…..that being the ability to set up good habits and boundaries whilst they are still young enough to recognise this as a privilege and not a right. We can also pay greater attention to their online behaviours and monitoring their content, connections and interactions. Something that can be much harder as kids get older.

A letter from Santa

Adding a few rules from Santa on delivery of the new device can also ensure that the child knows Santa will be watching how they look after their device, manage their screentime and their online behaviours.

You can download your PDF via this Santas Letter post

Set it up safely

Do what you can to make use of the technology that is out there to ensure the device is set up in the safest way possible to prevent them stumbling across dodgy content or being contacted by those who won’t have their best interests at heart. This may mean doing the standard safer search filtering that is available in the settings of google or Youtube, or it may be investing in something that has a more robust filtering and blocking system such as Family Zone.

Here are a few things you can do to set up some safer devices, but remember that every single app or game that goes on a device has a settings button that can allow you to have greater control over the content, the connections or the way the platform is used. So always check them out regularly and make the changes you need for your child (they are rarely set at the safer settings by default so it is something we have to go in and manage regularly).

Stay somewhat relevant

You may never keep up with every app or game or social network that is out there….but you can stay in touch with the sorts of ways kids use their devices. You can monitor the effects it may be having on them, both good and bad, and then how you can work with your child to come up with the best ways to manage and maintain control over their devices and their digital lives.

Understand yourself how the technology works to hook kids in…..and why you shouldn’t be surprised if they have trouble managing their own time limits.

Read this article on Nir Eyals Hooked model as I adapted it to the Fortnite game to understand how gaming and social media creators work to get us all engaged and coming back for more…and how these hooks make it difficult for kids (and adults) to naturally stop their game or to stop scrolling their social media feeds. So as parents we need to help them with that and instil in them some good habits that make it easier for them to transition to the many other experiences they need in their day.

And if you haven’t already, join my Facebook Group “Raising Great Kid in the Digital World” to be kept up to date with the latest trends, behaviours, tips, and get plenty of support from a fabulous group.

Some simple rules and routines

No devices to come to the dinner table…..thats a time for eating and coming together to talk and unwind without being tethered to your device.

Keep devices out of bedrooms at night, particularly for your younger kids. They need their sleep and don’t need the added lure of a ping, a notification or the bright lights and interactivity right before their brain needs to start unwind and prepare for some rest and a reset.

Grab the book

Now of course if you want to get all the information you need in one spot, then my book “The Modern Parent: Raising a Great Kid in the Digital World” has everything you need to help you navigate this world with a focus on maintaining connection with your child and always putting their wellbeing and safety at the forefront. You can grab your copy here

Merry Christmas to you all and enjoy the digital journey with your child!

The post Kids getting a device for Christmas? Grab some tips and a letter from Santa appeared first on The Modern Parent.

In a recent webinar I gave on “Weaning the Screens”, I discussed the many things kids need to thrive and maintain wellbeing. During lockdowns and a year of covid upheaval, many of the usual ways kids have these needs met were taken away. The uptake of extra screentime, came along to fill the many voids.

To understand how we can best help our kids wean off some screentime and maintain balance and control over their digital lives, it is important we recognise those needs and how we can ensure we provide plenty of other opportunities to nurture them, that don’t always revolve around a digital device.

Autonomy

Autonomy is a basic need of kids. Kids have a natural desire to be in charge of their play, be independent in their choices and decide where their attention is centred. This year many kids lost a lot of those choices in how they played, where and with whom they played with. So many turned to games and screens and the online world to help them do that. This gave them some put them in charge of what they played, how long for and with whom and where they focused their attention.

How Screens filled the void: By giving them the choice of what games they play, where and with whom they interact online, what social networks they engaged with and what sites they visited, kids were able to garner some of that autonomy over their play time.

How we can help nurture Autonomy: We want to continue to encourage that independence, but in the many other elements of their play, learning and growth. That may mean letting out the leash a little.  That may mean we give them greater say in how they spend their time. Heading out into the world which may even mean peeling off some of that cotton wool and letting them take a few reasonable risks. Letting them determine what is important to them and how they can go about incorporating those things into their lives. We have been giving kids lots of opportunities with structured play, lessons and arranged activities, but maybe we can head toward greater freedom to move, to play in unstructured ways and give them some faith in themselves and their choices. 

Competency

Competency is really just a desire to achieve things and be confident in our abilities to do something well. To set out on completing a task, to give something a decent shot and reap the rewards for effort. Once again this year, many of those activities, pursuits, opportunities to compete, practise, train or simply feel good about themselves, were taken away.

How screens filled the void: the games and the online world gave them those opportunities to make progress, be rewarded and achieve. They could be successful at a game, make some wins, get to another level or even get lots of views on their Tik Tok video.

How we can help nurture competency: By providing other opportunities to shine, other communities to belong to and other role models to look up to, we can help them engage in levels of competency. We can celebrate the wins they have in the real word, the advances they make in learning a new skill. We can reward an effort made that will ultimately lead to greater competency at any given task. They can still still do great things with the screens and the online world, but it can’t be the only way they shine, they connect, they play and they grow. 

Connection

Connection is one of the most universal needs of humans and our young people are no exception. With remote learning and the cancellation of all parties, playdates, sports trainings, competition and extra curricula activities, this was one of the most interrupted of all our kids needs.

How screens filled the void: Zoom calls and video chats became a way for them to connect. Social media helped them stay up to date with friends and family and peers. And gaming became something many people, especially kids took up in much greater doses, in order to get that connection, participate in that banter, enjoy healthy competition and teamwork and to feel a sense of belonging. And as long as it was done safely and respectfully, then that has served them well to fill that void.

How we can help nurture connection: Whilst the online world thus provided us a very real way to help us stay connected, many will now attest and are certainly craving, the face to face interaction and side by side play. So we must continue to give them the freedom to hang out with mates in any ways they can. To get fresh air and exercise with friends and to enjoy the downtime and unstructured freedom that comes from simply “hanging out”.

So whilst this year has seen us thrown into a world of screens, gaming and digital technologies in ways and in amounts that we may not be entirely comfortable with…remember that they do play an important role for your kids, but it is up to us to help them realise that they are just one of the many ways they can get all of the things they need. 

If you did miss my weaning the screens webinar, send me a message at martine@themodernparent.net and you can arrange to purchase a recorded version. Or if you are a school, please speak to me about organising a session for your school and parent community.

The post What kids need and what screens provide appeared first on The Modern Parent.