Don Callyers, Truck Driver, Main Pen: Every once in a while, when I’m dragging metal across dirt, rearranging the pen for this event or the other, I’ll roll up the windows and put on the heater to get a good sweat going, and I’ll just close my eyes, sit back, and pretend for a few seconds that I’m a bullrider. It’s amazing. But you don’t want to do that for too long. You’ll run into something drivin with your damn eyes closed.

Tommy Brown Boots, Bronco Rider: My confession? I wear women’s deodorant. No one ever knew that before, ‘cept my wife. It started as a joke, then it became a good-luck charm. Now I just like the way it makes me feel.

Wesley Watkins, Head Ticket Seller, Bullmania: Let me tell you. Bullmania ain’t for everyone. And I know it, I do. I know it clear as day. (Oh, don’t say that, by the way, don’t say ‘clear as day’; around here people only want to talk about the night. Biggest night rodeo in Kansas and all). And anyway, where was I. Oh, Bullmania. Sometimes I see a family of four walk up, hard-earned cash in hand, and I say to myself, “Wesley, those two little girls don’t want to see Bullmania.” But next thing I know I’m taking the $54 they hand me, two adults and two under-13s, and putting it in the register. Poor kids.

Katie Burgess, Town Mayor, Pretty Prairie: Yeah sure I’ll confess somethin: if someone here would get me a goddamned bourbon I’d take a ride with him and do whatever he wants.

Vernon Mackaby, Shift Leader, Lemon Slushees Booth: I need to make sure you understand this. This is Kansas’s largest night rodeo. You got it? There ain’t some night show in Lawrence that outsizes us. We’re the biggest. And here’s my confession: I wish we went back to daytime. Nothing like a lemon slushee in the daytime, and lemon slushees is my business. Eddie Rich—that’s my boss’s boss, he’s the regional manager—he wants me to compete in sales with every county fair here to damn near Nebraska, and I say to him, I say, “Eddie, how in the heck can I be expected to compete with a daytime fair in Nebraska when I’m sellin froze slushees?” And he just shakes his head and says “Vern, that attitude plus a quarter’ll get you a phone call.” Or maybe he says ‘combined with’ a quarter. Anyway I get it. But I think Eddie gets what I’m saying too. People like slushees in the daytime. Nighttime slushees? That’s an uphill fight.

Betsy Burgess, Rope Counter: Sometimes my mom gives me bourbon and I mess up the rope counts. I like the way it stings, though.

Okay, I got it, I'm ready. I got somethin to tell you.

The Holy Grail of Tape

We did it everybody.

We fucking DID IT!!

[raises can of Coors]

I remember when those assholes at Elmer’s were like “Double-sided Tape? It’s called GLUE.”

We showed them, didn’t we.

We SHOWED THEM…the assholes…

[deep drink of Coors]

So what’s next everybody?

Where are we going?

Cause I’m going to the FUCKING MOON

The FUCKING MOON of ADHESIVES!

Who’s coming with me?

[burp]

WHO’S COMIN’?

Get up.

Don’t settle.

There’s so much more to do!

WHO’S WITH ME?!

TAPE!

[passing out]

Karate Champ, we barely knew thee.

James, I don’t know how to tell you this but we need to break up. I know it’s your birthday but broken is broken, no matter what the day. We’re too young to be this committed.  You’re 11 and I’m almost 12.  Most relationships our age last a week tops.  Ours lasted three.  I’m practically a child bride.

~*~

Don’t walk away from me and take out your frustration on Double Dragon.  No matter how many levels you beat on one quarter, it’s not going to bring me back.  No. I don’t want to “take the other Dragon”.  I can’t be that for you anymore.  Just accept you’re a Single Dragon now.  No, I understand. Finish this mini boss and we’ll talk.

~*~

Don’t look at me. You’re wearing that Vision Streetwear shirt I love.  I just hate to see you blowing all your hard earned tickets on mini PB cups.  It’s not going to fill the hole inside you that I just put there.  You should save up.  Get yourself something nice.  You’re so close to that purple Discman.  Just another 5000.  Which I know you can do.  I have faith in you.  Just not girlfriend faith.

~*~

We’re not as Romeo and Juliet as I thought.  We’re more like Romeo and some girl who thinks Romeo would be hotter in a Little League uniform. We’re different people, James.  You want to beat Gauntlet at the arcade. I want to hang out at the mall with Jessica D and try on minis.  I think the arcade is boring except for skeeball. And you think the mall is ‘gay as butts’.  We’re not as starcrossed as I thought. Hey!  Don’t say my name every time you hit the Whack a Mole! You’re such a nard sometimes.

~*~

James, I know you’re acting like you’re crying over Karate Champ but I know it’s over me. It’s a cheap game. The two joystick setup is terrible. But cheer up, buckaroo. We had lots of good times.  You taught me how to French Kiss.  We found that dead body together.  We played all that Uno while my parents went to divorce court.  Maybe we’ll find better people.  Or maybe we’re like Street Fighter 2.  Maybe nothing can be that good again.  It doesn’t matter.  We have to keep trying.  You’ll always be my Ryu.  I hope that I’m always your Chun Li.

of a remake of Top Gun. Like I do every night.

This time, Mav and Goose were drone pilots. Sitting in their cubicles, Maverick flying the RC aircraft according to his own devil-may-care rules.

The guy in charge said, “that’s a half-a-million dollar model plane with some very sophisticated weapons and guidance systems you’re piloting. The way you fly, that technology might end up in the wrong hands. Or you might kill some civilians. Either way, you’re dangerous.”

In this dream, the guy in charge and not Iceman told Maverick he was dangerous. Maverick didn’t bite at him either. In this dream of the remake of Top Gun, there was a surprising lack of homosexual tension, given that Kelly McGillis wasn’t there to mitigate it, the drone pilots all being guys between eighteen and twenty-four.

Also, in this dream of the remake of Top Gun, Goose dies from choking on a Sour Patch Kid.

Being gay in the 80s means never saying you're sorry for weird shades.

INT. PRINCE AND COMPANY MEN’S BATHROOM

Johnathan Switcher, the window dresser, and Hollywood, the amusing gay stereotype, are both washing their hands at the marble sink.

HOLLYWOOD

So let me get this straight. And honey, I don’t mean me.

 JOHNATHAN

Classic. Sure, go on.

 HOLLYWOOD

She got cursed to find true love way back in Egypt land and got turned into a statue/mannequin but she’s been waking up from time to time to sleep with famous dudes.

JOHNATHAN

That’s the gist.

 HOLLYWOOD

So she’s like a time slut.

JOHNATHAN

That harsh.  She’s had her adventures.  That’s not what I’m pissed about though.

Johnathan pulls down the paper towel a little forcibly.

 HOLLYWOOD

Go on, baby. I’m listening.

JOHNATHAN

So she’s basically immortal, right? With a few handicaps. But in all these centuries, she hasn’t picked up like one book?  Taken one class? What a waste.

HOLLYWOOD

It seems to me she squandered a great opportunity. Just like when I squandered the opportunity to see George Michael’s naked butt when we were at the same sauna.

 JOHNATHAN

I love it when you make things gay. So I’m saying, how can I be with someone this shortsighted? She had this rare opportunity to see the span of human history and she spent it in bed.

HOLLYWOOD

Sugar, I want her life. Her un-life or whatever.

Johnathan kicks open a bathroom door in anger.

JOHNATHAN

Can you just stop kidding for one second?!  Stop commenting on everything!  I’m serious here.  I’m thinking of marrying this girl but I feel like I’m looking at a criminal.  Like she murdered opportunity!

 HOLLYWOOD

I’m sorry. It’s hard to be a gay man in the 80s. Everyone wants jokes and catty judgments but no one wants to deal with the fact that I’m a complex individual.  I’m not just a punchline, Johnathan.

JOHNATHAN

I know you’re not. I’m sorry. Maybe I just have cold feet about this wedding. But I have so many questions.  If she stops loving me, will she re-mannequin? Or is that too depressing for a sequel? What if she can’t have kids? Did that curse calcify her womb?

HOLLYWOOD

Let’s forget about it and do some blow. It’s the 80s after all.

 JOHNATHAN

Now you’re talking. Line me up, Best Man.

I guess when you first asked me to come over to your place and lay across your big brass bed, I thought you were interested in me. As in, you wanted to lay me across your bed and then–I don’t know, was it wrongheaded of me to think that you personally would be the one involved with me on said brass bed? That this was a conventional invitation, if a bit forward?

So when I’d laid across the bed and you began introducing me to the guy with the dirty clothes (but the clean hands, as you noted), and kept referring to him as “my man,” I felt pretty uncomfortable.

Also, next time? (not with me, of course, ever, but whomever else you con into this little weirdness you’ve got going) Get some sheets. And some Febreze.

And let her know, whatever sad soul she is, that you’re going to try to film the whole thing.

Especially tell her the part about how you’ll be filming wearing only a pair of Spanish boots of Spanish leather.

That part really needs to be mentioned beforehand.

Of course it’s the hair!

Crazy old man hair gets me going.

I told you this when we met,

and you said that you’d do whatever I asked.

Well, now I want you to put on this

wig and sideburns

and whip the living hell out of me.

Just do it, Jake!

The panel has reviewed your submissions in search of romance. The following post titles have been rejected:

- A Roaster of Beets, A Gardener of Tomatoes, A Planter of Asparagus: I Seek Decent Landscaper to Water My Heart and Occasionally My Backyard

- I Don’t Need A Companion As Much As I Did Last Winter (And I Have the Scars To Prove It)

- If You Like Outies, I Have Two of Them

- I Just Miss Her So Much

- Call of Duty Platinum Member Seeks Same, Or At Least Gold

- I Have A Private Jet and A Huge Dick, But I Hate My Father

- Baseball Bat Looking for My Perfect Pitch (And My Perfect Pitch Will Have No Boundaries)

- It’s Just Baby Fat

- I Bet I’m Lonelier Than You

The following title has been accepted and will be posted on Craigslist Men Seeking Women:

If You Call This A Cold War Then Girl, Let’s Get Warm

Come water my backyard, won't you

This ax only to be played by Texas fingers or finger nubs.

Texas: If You’re Not From Here, Get the Hell Out

Texas: Free Beer with Your Patriotism

Texas: We’re Fatter Than You

Texas: Walker, Texas Ranger is Actually About a Real Place Called Texas

Texas: We Don’t Know What Jingoism Is and We Don’t Give a Damn

Texas: Is It a Mall Or a Church? Come Find Out!

Texas: Guns Are Better Than Hands

Texas: No One’s Gay Here

Texas: Where Bandanas Can Be A Shirt

Texas: The Heart and Fist of America

Texas: If You’re Not Baptist, You’re The Devil’s Co-Pilot

Texas: It’s Oklahomo to Us

Texas: Education is For Dummies

Texas: Give Us an Excuse to Secede

Texas: One Step Away From Being a Thunderdome

Please drive through (my heart)

ME: Welcome to Arby’s. May I take your order?

RACHEL: Jeff, we need to talk.

ME: Please drive up to the first window.

RACHEL: I think it’s better this way.

ASSHOLE JOCK: Order me some curly fries, okay?

ME: Who the fuck is that?

ASSHOLE JOCK: Get me some fucking curly fries, nerd.

RACHEL: I didn’t want it to be like this, Jeff.

ME: I’m going to go stick my hand in the fryolator now.

More humiliating still was the team after-action review on how to properly treat third-degree burns.