What do I truly want? or What’s missing?

When was the last time you had these type of questions in your mind?

Usually when we are stuck in the wrong career, feeling lonely, a little lost, without much purpose in life–we tend to make other inquiries.

Something like:

What the heck is wrong with me!?

I am going to share with you how my inquiry began and what led me to one of the most powerful discoveries in my life…

One day I woke up and it hit me – I had reached a low point in my life where I was always feeling distracted, disorganized, moody, and totally forgetful. I would leave my house with five things in my hand and I would lose my keys every day.

I didn’t know why, but I felt a deep sense of loneliness and disconnection with the world. I felt I lacked purpose and there was no support system around me to understand what I was experiencing.

I asked myself…

“What’s wrong with me!?” (Note: This question was very different than “What do I truly want?”)

I didn’t have an immediate answer to that question, so I did what most people do when they feel like there’s something wrong with themselves…I went to see a doctor:

“Andrea and her husband came in for an evaluation on 10/16, 10/25 & 10/30. She spoke of a history of distractibility, disorganization and forgetfulness at home and work. The purpose of the consultation was to determine if Andrea was ADD or not.”

…I was diagnosed with an attentional disorder, ADHD, on November 23, 2001.

When I got this news, it made me feel so different from everyone else. I would look at other people and assume they had it all together, while I did not.

The quick solution to one of the most  common and talked about behavioral disorder in the U.S.? A pill…

The number of children and people diagnosed with ADHD scares me 8% of children in the United States, representing up to five million kids have been diagnosed with this disorder, and about 4.4% of adults in the U.S. almost 10 million people have it.

An article in the Encyclopedia of Applied Psychology that reveals the following information:

“Adults with ADHD have comorbidity rates of 16 to 31% for major depression, 24 to 35% for ODD, 17 to 25% for conduct disorders, 4 to 14% for obsessive-compulsive disorders, 35% for alcohol dependence or abuse, 24% for substance abuse,43% for generalized anxiety disorder, and 53% for overanxious disorder.”

This makes so much sense to why that diagnose did not help but to isolate my concerns. I coach many people with depression and anxiety that have been on drugs for years just to carry the day. I am not against conventional medicine, it’s important. But my own experience made me curious about what we neglect when we do not stop to enquire about the root of the problem.

The distraction, the depression, the disorganization got better with medicine, and it helped to have a tangible, medical explanation for some of my problems. But despite my outward improvement, inwardly I still felt there was something wrong with me. I felt isolated.
The thought of being alone was so scary that I would say “yes” to everything, making sure to keep myself busy all of the time.

Unfortunately, no matter how busy I was that burning question did not leave me alone.

“What is wrong with me!?”

Doubt, fear, and resistance took dominion over my thoughts. My inner conversation started to sound like this:

I am over 30 years old…
Shouldn’t I know who I am?!
Shouldn’t I know what I want from life?!
I am not good enough!

I became frustrated and I couldn’t understand why the pills alone weren’t solving my problems.

What I know now that I didn’t know then, is that the western medicine wants quick fixes and practical solutions for what’s going on in our minds and bodies. But this just scratches the surface and the problem with that is, you don’t give yourself permission to discover the root of the issue, which resides in our emotions and in our subconscious. So the important question never comes.

It was not until I asked the question that hit the spot that my life began to change…

NOT….“What is wrong with me!?”

BUT….“What do I truly want? What am I here for?”

What is it about one question that shuts me down while the other question inspires creativity within me?

I wanted to do more research on the power of questions for my readers. I asked my intern for some assistance and she introduced me to a powerful book called “Change Your Questions, Change Your Life” by Marilee G. Adams.

In Marilee’s book she identifies two paths in which our questions can take us:

1) The Choose path: Which is the learner path

and

2) The React path: Which is the judger path

At the beginning of the post I shared with you how I started my inquiry by asking a question that put me in a reaction mode.

What’s wrong with me?

I was choosing the judger path. The one that ends in a swamp. No matter how many times I asked, I could not get out of the roundabout because the intention behind the question was one of self-judgment. I wasn’t accepting myself as I was. I wanted to be different, better, so that I could feel worthwhile and if I was worthwhile, then I would have purpose in my life.

Lowering the speed…

I made the decision to take some time off. I closed my business and took a sabbatical year to reset {think “Eat, Pray and Love”}. I signed up for a retreat far away from home, near nature, and spent weeks with strangers and remarkable life coaches.

These coaches and leaders did not come with the same old questions – questions that make you doubt and think that something is wrong. Their questions had a different taste. They were more philosophical, they invited observation. Let’s not forget that psychology has its roots in philosophy. It wasn’t until the nineteenth century that we shifted the focus of psychology to pure behavior, and rejected introspective enquiry and the study of consciousness when it came to issues of the mind.

I find that everything gets complicated when we try to separate things. In my case the focus was in my behavior. I did not stop to think why? 

Today I tackle the concerns of my clients by helping them undergo an introspective journey that helps them discover their limitations and the many possibilities for expansion they hold within.

What happened in this introspective journey is the powerful questions stripped me down and I slowly began to remember what I truly wanted.

Sitting in the middle of the Redwoods I asked…

What do I truly want? What’s next?

This question shifted everything!! Why? Because I finally chose the learner path!

This path gave me permission to learn and discover what I had forgotten: self-love, compassion and acceptance in the midst of my issues.

Here is where the magic is.

The combination of feeling safe, accepted and quiet, gave me permission to get to the root of my issue and I stayed until I got my answer.

The feeling is night and day.

Having the courage to find the answers to the deepest questions, those all the way at the bottom of the barrel, in the darkness where no one usually looks, is empowering.

We are not used to not knowing. We are too quick to find answers and quick fixes. In school we learn that if we don’t know, we are behind or not smart enough. So most of the time we generalize or make hasty assumptions and give an answer just to give an answer. Then we consider it done. We are back in the driver’s seat and operating under the illusion of control, where it’s more comfortable to judge than to shift our perceptions.

My issue was not ADHD. That label created a superficial answer that allowed me to continue judging and limiting myself so that I’d have an excuse not to put myself out there in the world and live in the fullness of who I am, which can be risky but is always worth it!

I got better by learning to ask myself the right questions – the questions that took me deeper into a higher consciousness, allowing me to resolve my issues rather than avoid the momentary (yet sometimes necessary) pain of personal growth and expansion….”growing pains.”

From that point on, learning to ask the “right questions” became an essential element of my coaching practice. I ask my clients for permission to be bold and ask the powerful questions because usually when I first start working with someone, their mind is racing so fast with chronic negative self-talk that it seems unstoppable and impossible to have any clarity. It’s hard for them to get to the powerful questions.

Those questions open the soul and strip the bullshit once and for all.

When you are living life so fast ,the questions never make it to the soul.They bounce back as seeds in a drought.

From personal experience, I know this is a tough space to be in so I want to share the following tools with you that you can practice anytime you feel caught in the judger swamp.

3 Steps to Powerful Introspection:

#1 Slow Down

Slowing down gives you permission to listen. Without slowing down it is very difficult to hear the wise voice that lives within us.

Take at least 10 minutes each day to feel your feet on the ground. Feel the support of the floor holding you. As you do this, notice your body posture, notice the temperature in the room, notice the temperature in your body. Breathe the moment. Exhale the rush. Notice your thoughts without attachment. Notice your feelings. Don’t judge, just notice. Notice who you are in that moment. Notice who your are not. Let everything go as you exhale, and take the pause as you breathe in.

#2 Access Your Intuition or Inner Knowing

When you feel relaxed and present ask yourself: What matters right now? What about today is important? What do I truly want?

Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes with the question. Don’t rush the answer. You can use these questions or your own.

Stay away from questions that judge:

Why am I not good enough?
Shouldn’t I know this/have this/be this by now?
Why is this happening to me?

#3 Learn to Love the Question and Not Seek for the Immediate Answer

Some people stay with a question for years. That’s the learning they are here for. Be patient. The answer will come when you are ready to receive it.

One last thing I will share with you.When I work with my clients I can touch the soil of their soul. If I notice drought, it takes a lot of loving patience from myself and the client to work the land of the psyche.

Be patient. If you feel anxious and experience resistance, seek my help or that of someone you trust.

“But there is greater comfort in the substance of silence than in the answer to a question.” – Thomas Merton

What Powerful Questions would you ask today?

This information is based on my own experience and research. It is not meant to replace the advice of medical professionals. Use this information based on your own judgement.

Source Citation   (MLA 7th Edition)

“Philosophical Psychology.” The Gale Encyclopedia of Psychology. Ed. Bonnie Strickland. 2nd ed. Detroit: Gale, 2001. 497-498. Gale Virtual Reference Library. Web. 27 Feb. 2013.

“Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD).” Encyclopedia of Applied Psychology. Ed. Charles D. Spielberger. Vol. 1. Amsterdam: Elsevier, 2004. 225-231. Gale Virtual Reference Library. Web. 27 Feb. 2013.

Photo credit:chefranden via Compfight cc

I have witness people breakdown from childhood and adolescent traumas. When someone died, left you or hurt you. That doesn’t get washed away that easy.

Many of us often feel we have the potential to do more–and many of us also feel there is something holding us back.

We know the number one reason people don’t reach their life goals or complete the important projects is taking action, and we know the reason for not taking action is fear. How events in our past recorded in our mind have a bigger will than our dreams.

They have the power to limit our potential and they hold the key to a powerful liberation. It’s not easy to look back. But when do, we face the truth.

You open the wound with courage, and determination to move forward. You deal with whatever you need to deal with. Be it a conversation with a parent, a sister, a brother, or yourself. You stay in the darkness, in the hole, with the intention of a warrior–to give death to whatever is in the way. Because you have a purpose. You are going back for the sake of the impact you want to make in the world. The story you want to tell.

You need to do this type of healing at one point in your life–If you are feeling angry, if things are not working as planned, if you keep hitting the same wall, if you keep making the same mistake. If any of this resonates it’s probably time to summon courage and look at the past. End with the story not supporting your growth and move on.

Here is a tool that helped me get out of the emotional sabotage I got stuck at the end of the year. Things were really not rolling for me. I was stuck, everything that came my way irritated me. Of course my first instinct was to say “what!?” I have done enough work on myself already, where is this coming from? As a professional coach I have worked a lot on getting rid off the emotional weight  that does not help. But personal growth is a journey, is a life commitment, and this usually happens to anyone that is awake–moving towards their dreams. I had set some exciting and terrifying goals for me this years (I shared this in a previous post), and it was time to clean house again.

Moving to the next level means killing the ogre who holds the key.

My friend and colleague Joanne Del Core does distance healing with a method call Emotion Code. This type of work is similar to Reiki. She taps into your emotional blocks while you rest in your bed or couch for an hour. After the session you receive the results by email, and you get an hour of coaching.

These are the things that she found and released:

Notice the trapped emotion from age 12. I came to this country when I was 11, I have shared that it was one of the most difficult times in my life.

Frustration from age 17. I was a teenager mother. The level of frustration for not knowing what to do, feeling I had done something wrong, feeling lost. All those emotions were still trapped in me.

Shock from age 14. This was the time my parents sent me away.

All I gave Joanne was my birthdate. I was amazed at the accuracy of the dates. As the trapped emotion coincided with critical events that I have lived.

Regarding your feeling of worthless:

Regarding what’s blocking you from receiving fully:

I wanted to look for preconceived trapped emotions in your system (they are trapped emotions that become lodged in the spirit-body prior to conception). Two types are usually seen: Fear-related about impending life on Earth and grief-related about leaving home with God:

The work was so liberating because I was able to nail things I had forgotten about that were getting in my way. From this point of clarity I was able to take action and deal with outstanding conversations I had with myself and the people involved.

This is just one way of clearing the past. There are many tools and professionals that can help you ge “naked” to the core of your feelings. Here is a link to Joanne’s site if you are interested in learning more. I offer this tool to my clients. I have the sensitivity to realize when a person is feeling trapped. It shows in the way they talk and in the session the same issue comes up over and over again. When feelings are begging to be released, they are usually very stubborn.

I feel much better now. Much lighter.  The biggest gift is that I have clarity and clarity gives me power over the issue.

Photo by: Spencer Finnley

2013 it’s here and, who doesn’t have some type of resolution, goal, or dream?

As an entrepreneur and a mother, I’m starting the year with some electrifying, AND terrifying plans. When I think of some of the things I want to achieve in life and what I need to do to reach them, I can easily freeze in panic.

It goes something like this:

My dreams =)

hmm…

What if…? (ouch!)

FREEZE!

Maybe is not a good idea after all… I won’t have the time to do it… Maybe I’m not ready for this…

Back to burying dreams.

Between the “hmm and the what if” are all your fears.

All the failures from the past, the time someone said you were not good enough, the time your father left, the time your teacher said “you have no talent” and all kinds of memories from your childhood reminding you on how you got hurt.

We don’t understand how all this works, but it happens and, it keeps us from moving forward towards those goals and puts our dreams on hold.

Most athletes study their opponents as part of their preparation to defeat their opponents. Awareness gives you control over a situation.

Do you know how fear works?

Understanding how fear works

There are two types of human reactions to fear.

Biochemical Reaction

Let’s take a look at the biochemical reaction first. Your body responds to fear by sweating, fast heart rate, fast breathing, and high adrenaline levels running through your brain. This is to prepare you for the flight or fight response.

Think about what happens to you when you hear a very loud noise. Your body prepares you for the worse, it goes into survival mode, your choice is to either face the threat or run as fast as you can.

On a physical level, fear is the same for all of us.

Emotional Reaction

Emotionally it depends on each person.

We can perceive fear as negative or positive. We can see the opportunity to make a difference or stay very quiet and don’t move. The trick here is that our brain cannot distinguish between a real threat or just the memory of a painful event.

I’ll share with you something I usually do with my clients when I sense the “maybe it’s not a good idea after all” effect arising in the conversation.

It starts with noticing the inner conversation that surfaces when you are about to commit to something important. Just noticing. Then we start conditioning the mind and body for a new way of assessing the situation. Through some deep questioning, we are able to redefine the feeling of fear, and we create an opportunity to move forward despite the physical feeling. This is possible because emotionally we start perceiving the situation differently.

Remember that emotionally, we have the choice of perceiving it as a positive or negative thing.

It’s empowering to know we can actually do something about the fear that holds us back. The fear that pulls like a hook on an elastic that wants to set free.

You can actually become aware of your cycle. The moment you freeze, understanding that it is natural. Have that deep conversation with yourself about the emotional side of your fear. That gives you the ticket to move forward.

The invitation here, as you follow your dreams for 2013, it’s not to get rid of your fears, that will not happen. It’s that cliche phrase we often use, “feel the fear and do it anyway”. Only now you know theres is more substance to the saying.

The formula to deal with fear

Here are the steps to help you assess fear differently:

1. Notice the fear
2. Acknowledge it in an emotional level (positive or negative)
3. Reassess the way you feel by asking yourself what’s the story behind your fear (you might need a coach or therapist to help you get there, definitely worth it!)
4. Now that you have separated the story from the fear, you have the power to move forward

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened – Mark Twain

How about you?

Are you aware of how fear arises in your life? How do you deal with it? Share your own experiences in the comments.

Photo by: Spencer Finnley

Who are you? Despite all the unfortunate events in your life. Because if I see you today, perhaps all I see is your smile and somehow perfect life. But I cannot see your wounds. The ones you hide deep inside, nor can you see mine. You can’t see how much I suffered when I came to this country when I was 11 years old. You can’t see the fear I felt the first time someone threatened to hit me in school because I didn’t belong. You can’t see my mournful heart when my father told me I didn’t exist. You can’t see any of that…for some crazy reason all you see is me and who I chose to be.

We all carry a backpack of hard times. What makes us special is that we have the free will to choose what we give to others. We all have the possibility to heal our past, be our best, and find gratitude in the shitty times =).

What you can do…

• Grab your journal and write down everything that needs to come out. Don’t worry about grammar! just let it all out. Even drawing, or doodles will do the job.
• Take a long walk in nature and cry it all out
• Once you forgive yourself  make yourself a cup of tea, and find the time to forgive those who left a nasty mark

This is one of  the best gifts you can give yourself for the new era.

Feel free to share what works for you when you have to heal those nasty wounds.

Photo by: abhiomkar

In a way we have forgotten about ourselves, we live our days so fast, hardly ever stopping to wonder where we are going? or who have we become? nevertheless we keep going without much purpose.

One of the most delicious things in life is pausing. This is what I intend to do with my practice and our events. I want to invite you to pause, and re-think where you are going, and why.

Click on the Meetup button to learn more about our events, or sign up for a Naked Tuesday.

Hope to meet you soon,

Much love,

Andrea.

Think of something you want, set the intention, and let it return to you in divine time. Simple. But before you do that, pay attention to the words you are using to set the intention.

Let’s say your goal is:

“I want to work at a different job and make more money” –  So you set the intention

Ok, that’s nice… But what kind of job? 50 miles away from home? bitchy boss? more money and more stress? Oops! so let’s give your goal some powerful words.

Let’s get clear!

“I am so happy and grateful that I am working at a balance and harmonious company near home. My daily commute is energizing and beautiful. I am happy and liberated from financial stress. I feel sustained and supported by my team and boss”

Notice the difference? Also notice how I am speaking in present tense. Always bring the future to the present moment.

We have a full moon coming up on September 29th. This is a great time to look within and ask for what you want, it is also a great time to connect with your community. Look for groups holding manifestation rituals near you area.

I have no way of knowing what your path has been so far, but if you are here I am going to make a quick guess that you are in a searching mode. Looking for new ways of living. Aligning with your values and a vision of a better world seems to be your quest.

I can feel the pains of your past, the frustration for what went wrong. I can hear the stories that no longer serve you.

You have a choice, as long as you become aware of the story holding you back, you can re-create it. So let’s start co-creating a new reality. It is your choice and this is the time. We are giving birth to a new way of existing and I urge you to get rid of limiting beliefs, this is the time to let go of the fears, and step forward with full consciousness to a new world. In December 21-21 we will give birth to a new era, we will experience a shift in paradigms.

It is important to merge in consciousness and find help in community. Join me this coming Tuesday on a Free Telecall at 7pm-8pm PST in a conversation about what’s next in your life?

Send me an email at andrea@thenakedelephant.net to receive the conference number.

“I noticed that many times in my life, I don’t speak truthfully, I sound too scared to say what I really want from life…”

This was written in my journal in May 2008. As you can tell my mind was doing all possible to keep me from the pain of not belonging, of doing the wrong thing for others. It takes self “whateverness” to shine your true light, we hesitate because we feel we are not good enough, or that no one cares. We want to save ourselves from the pain of absurdness.

The problem with this mindset is that it drains us, life is miserable when we can’t express ourselves creatively. Every time we put a leash on our creative power, we seclude our gifts to ourselves, and that’s painful because it is selfish.

Unleashing your creativity takes courage, if you don’t let go of the thought “What will people think of me?” the world will never get to enjoy your light.

Here is a solution I am inviting you to try. This exercise was a life saver for my creativity a couple of years ago:

Take yourself on an “Artist Date.” There are a couple of rules: you must go ALONE, and you do not get to run ANY errands on that time.

Julia Cameron, author of “The Artist’s Way,” refers to this exercise as “Filling in Your Creative Well.” In this date you get to unleash your creativity, with no judgments, do whatever your heart desires, go to an art gallery, take a painting workshop, go to the art store buy a blank canvas, colors, and go back home to paint your soul out, write poetry, make jewelry, or do as I did in the video below, create the short film you have been holding back.

There is nothing better in life than to honor your creative space, you will feel relaxed, happier, and connected to your essence.

Enjoy my absurd video. I went out on my Artist Date, with my flip camera and recorded my journey, from the time I left the house, to finding a cool coffee place in downtown L.A. in the Artist District area. I filmed myself having dessert and coffee through the glass window. I went back home and edited based on the feeling of my experience–it was a dream. Doing it seemed absurd and meaningless to the rest of the world, but I can’t express how much freedom it gave me. From that Artist Date, great ideas were born for my business.

Please share your Artist Date with me, I find them inspiring.

Hacienda Heights, Ca 5:18pm

As I put aside my own historial discourses for writing this post, through the glass door of my home office I can spot my 76 year old grandma beckoning the finger of the day, to my 9 year old son that is home sick with fever, which by the look on his face he clearly disagrees.

But I am not getting up, I got started, and it wasn’t easy. For some dose of inspiration I hit “play” to Donna Summer’s song “She works hard for the money”, because smoking half a joint in the bathroom or masturbating to horse porn is way too radical for me {this seem to be true aids for Highly Effective writers}. But I am not a writer, so the pressure is off! Tempting, but off.

And though I experienced hours of blindness, at last everything came together for me to write this post. My older son reading “A raisin in the sun”, Donna Summer dies last night, and one of my most real and precious clients writes me this story:

Vivian White

May 15 2012

A Much Needed Vacation

I can remember the co-pastor making an announcement on behalf of the pastor.

“Bishop will be off on a much needed vacation” or “Bishop is taking a much needed sabbatical”.

I attended this church for over two decades and in all times I cannot remember when I also took a much needed vacation. It has not been because it is not needed or deserved, but rather because I have been consumed with trying to make sure I do not get evicted from my home, or that a job gets completed, or the light or phone bills is paid.

It seems that my goals have become to not fall off the edge of the earth.

In comes my life coach, she asked what does a break or vacation look life for me. She caused me to think, am I using the word break when I mean vacation.

And even more, my life coach helps me to see that it is possible, and that I deserve it as much as anyone.

If not, then I have to explain why not.

Here Vivian dares to liberate from history and write her dream vacation:

“What I am looking for is more of a spiritual retreat. I am a creative person, but I find being creative is difficult when I am exhausted. It turns more into just getting things done.

I am about to obtain a Bachelor’s degree and embark in a new career.

The retreat I am looking forward to, takes place after a productive summer internship where I have had the opportunity to learn a lot and gain confidence through implementing some of the skills I have learned.

Perhaps I will be returning to that job or will have a new job to return to afterward. 

But before I do I would take a spiritual retreat. Perhaps taking the train and travelling out west where I can relax, read, write and stop along the way to go sightseeing. With that said, the vacation would be at least two or three weeks. 

I have my portable easel, sketch book, pencils, and a camera. 

I would stop on Sandia Park, New Mexico and final destination may be the Petrified Forest National Park Arizona.

I am not sure of all the exact sights to see along the route, but I know when the retreats ends I am totally relaxed, rested, and fired up with creative energy.

The biggest part of this vacation is that when I return home there are no worries about finances because expenses have been covered in advance.

My career awaits me and they love the value I am able to provide

and are looking forward to our future endeavors.”

I shared this story with Vivian’s permission, because as Jen Lee said today in a tweet

“No matter how alone we feel, the minute one person shares her story all the separateness falls away and we remember…”

With us we carry history, every time we speak and act, history speaks through us. This is not only Vivian’s truth. This is our truth, many of us fight history every day to gain a dream. Sometimes we don’t even dare to plan a vacation.

If you are stuck in an old story, keeping you from making a brighter future. Here is a practical excercise for you:

Take some time off this week with a journal, preferably near nature, alone with no distractions (really, when was the time you did that?). Before you start, take a deep breath in and take all in, all the beauty of the place, feel the temperature in your skin, the wind, the smells, be present. Take 5 minutes to land and connect to the moment. After you feel fully present write down your vision, and your goals, things you wish to achieve a year from now (you’ve done that already, right?), here is the challenge, leave all work related goals out. This is your time to plan your vacation, your week off, your trip back home, a retreat away from all.

Watch how it comes true. Sometimes we fail to put a break on our calendar, because we fear we won’t have time, we will miss out, or we can’t afford it, and instead we choose to put more work on the agenda, because that makes us feel safe. If you think about it, that’s not what life is for.

What the heck, I’ll end with Langston Hughes poem (just to over do it). I am already stretching myself daring to write.

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore–

And then run

Does it stink like a rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over–

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Picture by: camdiluv