The Nether Regions

Drinker threatened man with Creme Egg

Paddy — Thu, 01 May 2014 18:15:28 +0000

On the day that pinstripe-boned fuckwit Nigel Farage was egged in Nottingham by a protester, he should just count himself lucky he wasn’t anywhere near Cambridge and this confectionery-wielding eggy menace.

Cambridge News, 22 January 2014 (story):

Drinker threatened man with Creme Egg

A drunk man who brandished a creme egg as a weapon in Cambridge is due to be sentenced next month.

Michael Hampson, 34, of Maitland Avenue, Cambridge, pleaded guilty at Cambridge Magistrates’ Court on Monday to harassing people in the city centre on consecutive days last week.

Paul Brown, prosecuting, told the court: “Then the next day he went up to a member of the public, Charlie Russell, on Mill Road at around 12.45pm and went to block his path. Hampson said to him, ‘Where I come from we kill people for a living’.

“Hampson was brandishing a bottle and he lifted it up towards Mr Russell and said, ‘I will glass anyone who disrespects me’.

“He then showed Mr Russell a Cadbury Creme Egg and said he would smash him in the face with it and that he will splatter Creme Egg all over his head.

“He then tried to shake Mr Russell’s hand – and said he was being disrespectful because he was wearing gloves.”

Mr Russell eventually got away and called the police.

Officers found Hampson in possession of a full bottle of Desperados beer and a Cadbury Creme Egg.

A bottle of Desperados and a Creme Egg is a revealing choice of daytime feast for a man who kills people for a living. You’ll want to keep an eye out for that particular combo next time you’re selecting a park bench on your dinner break.

Fingergeddon in Whitby

Paddy — Wed, 29 Jan 2014 18:36:14 +0000

I’ve always thought there’s something a bit strange about Whitby but, until now, have never quite been able to put my finger on it.

Whitby Gazette, 13 Janauary 2014:

Beach searches taking place after finger found

Coastguard teams are scouring Whitby beach by torchlight tonight (Monday 5.30pm) after reports that a finger was found by a dog walker nearby.

The Whitby Gazette understands that the digit was found on the Black Steps leading up to Mulgrave Road.

More details to follow.

A detached, dead finger; the very worst kind of digit to find. Far worse than beginning a meal and finding a child has dipped its thumb in your creamy mash, and even worse than opening your bedroom curtains in the morning to find ‘666’ dripping in the condensation on the glass. A detached, dead finger brings a particular brand of horror and an avalanche of questions: is it an old finger or a young finger? Did the finger ever truly know the love of a warm hand? Was the fingernail well-groomed? When did the finger last make a good point?

I suppose now we’ll never know…

Whitby Gazette, 14 January 2014:

Police say beach ‘finger’ actually seaweed

Emergency searches in Whitby were called off after a ‘human finger’ discovered on the beach was revealed to be a piece of seaweed.

The grim discovery was made by a dogwalker on Monday afternoon and prompted emergency searches, including Whitby’s Coastguard team.

However, the ‘finger’ was later examined by crime scene investigators who confirmed the object was not a human body part, but actually a piece of kelp or seaweed.

Typical. What an anti-climax.

Councillor has cow stolen

Paddy — Mon, 20 Jan 2014 11:55:02 +0000

An udderly astonishing development in local government. Thanks to Kirsten Beacock for the story.

Peterborough Telegraph, 14 January 2014 (story):

Peterborough councillor has cow stolen

Thieves have stolen a cow belonging to a Peterborough councillor.

Cllr David Over (Con, Barnack) mentioned the theft during a meeting of Peterborough City Council’s Scrutiny Commssion for Rural Communities on Monday night (13 January).

The red cow, which Cllr Over had bought for an environmental site, was taken from a farm in the Barnack area last week.

Cllr Over told the Peterborough Times: “If I’m honest I doubt the cow will turn up now. It’s more likely to be on someone’s dinner plate.”

He said he did not get too attached to the cow and refused to give it a name as he knew he would be giving it away soon.

Coun Over jokingly said: “I was not in a relationship with the cow and my wife said whatever you do, do not keep going to visit it and do not give it a name.”

What a strange thing to say; the possibility of councillor-bovine intercourse had never even crossed my mind until he basically confessed he was in a physical relationship with the animal at the end there. His wife clearly knew the score and no doubt had it destroyed. Shocking stuff. Emmerdale script writers, take note.

Gazette Faces, Vol. 12

Paddy — Wed, 15 Jan 2014 14:39:53 +0000

Here’s your latest round-up of the facially comatose fodder adorning our regional newspapers. When the going gets tough, the tough get Gazette Faces.

Chainsaw thieves put public in danger (Morcambe Visitor)

Dog suffered ‘life threatening’ injuries after attack in Skinningrove (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

I reckon the parrot did it.

Westcroft Leisure Centre welcome garden branded ‘a tip’ (Sutton Guardian)

Conservative councillor Peter Geiringer, who regularly uses the centre, said the area in front of it is “absolutely horrible”.

He said: “We can spend £11.4m on the centre, but why can’t we spend a bit on gardening? It’s the first thing people see and it’s horrific.”

HORRIFIC.

Tenant guilty of breaching anti-social behaviour injunction (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

Billingham scientist urges others to join cancer fight (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

TV appeal over Torquay Dinosaur World till theft (Torquay Herald Express)

A Gazette Face snatched from the jaws of… erm.

Tenants evicted over drunkenness, loud music and abusive language (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

Pensioner blasts ‘misleading’ car park sign (Welwyn Hatfield Times)

Farming family: ‘Great Ayton housing proposal would devastate our livelihood’ (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

Heartless burglars steal from children (Morcambe Visitor)

Middlesbrough charity shop wrecked by arson (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

‘I drank every day, 24/7, round the clock’ (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

Sounds alright to me. Not sure why he’s looking so miserable about it.

Thanks to Graham Parker and @jrlc48.

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Village hall cooker to be cleaned more often

Paddy — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 16:27:02 +0000

It’s a sad day for democracy when you need a full meeting of the council to agree a motion for the village hall cleaner to fulfil their job description.

Welwyn Hatfield Times, 8 January 2014 (story):

Village hall cooker to be cleaned more often

Woolmer Green councillors agreed a village hall cooker should be cleaned more often.

A gas engineer suggested to the council the gas hob should be cleaned regularly rather than a full annual service undertaken.

Councillors agreed the cleaner should clean the cooker regularly.

The mind boggles. Just how dirty can this oven have been? Never again will The Nether Regions accept any invitations to dine at Woolmer Green village hall, that’s for sure.

Thanks to Jessica Smith.

Gay marriage and duck world domination

Paddy — Thu, 09 Jan 2014 15:41:10 +0000

The letters pages of local newspapers are renowned as bastions of logic and reason. However, perhaps things are going downhill a bit.

And the Nether Regions Award for Least Original and Imaginative Attack on Same-sex Marriage goes to Graham Wanstall in the Dover Express.

Alright, wise owl.

Meanwhile, this letter found its way into an issue of Northern Outlook, ‘north Canterbury’s best read community newspaper’. It can’t be criticised for lacking originality but can be criticised for fucking with your head.

Completely quackers. This homeschooled abomination is surely the greatest possible advert for secular state comprehensive education.

“This gull came whirling around me very close and was screaming in my face”

Paddy — Mon, 06 Jan 2014 13:23:50 +0000

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? No, it’s not Cliff anymore, it’s Brian.

North West Evening Mail, 27 July 2013 (story):

Savage seagulls hospitalised a pensioner during the latest in a growing number of incidents across Cumbria.

Retired Brian Griffin was walking home from when he found himself confronted by angry seagulls near his home in Barrow.

The plucky pensioner was undeterred but as he continued on his way the birds struck, leaving him with injuries to his head which needed hospital treatment.

He said: “When I was halfway up Douglas Street this gull came whirling around me very close and was screaming in my face.

“And then there was another and another doing the same thing – it was like something out of Hitchcock’s The Birds. It was frightening.”

Mr Griffin said the birds eventually backed off and he staggered towards the Premier store where staff bandaged up his injuries before taking him to Furness General Hospital.

I wonder if this happened to Brian because he was strolling along with a bit of a chip on his shoulder?

Interestingly, this is the second flappy bird-related story featured on The Nether Regions where the victim has compared the incident to Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’ (example one is here). A bit more imagination in future from our bird-savaged local news fodder, please.

Thank you to Lucy Ryan.

The Great Louth Leader Giveaway, vol. 6

Paddy — Sun, 17 Nov 2013 20:11:04 +0000

The giveaways continue in the utopian market town of Louth, Lincolnshire. All you need to do is buy a copy of the Louth Leader each week and every material aspect of your life is sorted, forever.

Food!

Confectionary AND drinks!

CLOTHES!

But hang on, only 10% off? This is not part of the deal. But what a delightful floral dress… I would happily pay 90% of the recommended retail price for that item.

Jewellery!

Just look at the joy on his face at the sight of a lovely clean ring. Heartwarming.

Even the animals are getting in on the FREE! FREE! FREE! stuff.

Q. Can there possibly be anything left for the Louth Leader to give away to its readers?

A. Yes. To be continued.

Local Paper Twat #2: the angry HMV gift card redeemer

Paddy — Mon, 28 Oct 2013 19:04:24 +0000

The Local Paper Twats march on, forever bypassing human decency and sensitivity in the name of making a crap point and getting themselves in the paper.

Our latest Local Paper Twat thought nothing of approaching HMV staff faced with the prospect of shop closure and loss of their annual salaries in order to make a point about a £25 gift card.

Lincolnshire Echo, 24 January 2013 (story):

Grandad hands ‘defunct’ gift card to HMV staff

Feisty grandad Robert Hoare prompted a High Street stand-off with shop staff after swapping what was a defunct gift card for new earphones at HMV in Lincoln.

The 61-year-old said he was “standing up for all those who had lost out” after the beleaguered chain originally announced it would not accept vouchers from customers.

Mr Hoare slapped the £25 card on the counter and left the shop with four packs of earphones. Staff called police, but he kept the goods after officers said it was a civil matter.

Mr Hoare’s grandson, Josh Smith, 18, is a paper boy earning £30 a week. His card was actually issued by HMV as a refund. Mr Hoare, from Rowston, near Sleaford, said he was not afraid to have risked arrest to speak up for all who have lost out.

“I did this for my grandson and all those kids who have not been able to spend their vouchers which people bought for them in good faith,” he said. “Josh works six mornings a week in all weathers delivering papers and the £25 at stake here is nearly a week’s wages for him.

“Had I been arrested, I would have denied theft and gone to court to give publicity to all those kids who have lost out. I have proved my point and I wish more people would take a stand on this.”

Then on Monday, just 48 hours after Mr Hoare’s very public protest, HMV’s administrators performed a u-turn and revealed they would now accept gift cards.

“Egotistically, I think that it was all my fault that they changed their minds,” he said.

Poor paperboy grandson Josh. Some boys are forever proud of their grandads for fighting fascism, campaigning for social justice or rescuing people from burning buildings, but his grandad will be best known as the man who rubbed an HMV gift card in the face of some shop staff threatened with redundancy. Quite the big man.

Children left upset as pumpkins go missing

Paddy — Wed, 16 Oct 2013 19:02:26 +0000

Are there any depths to which humanity will not sink?

Isle of Man Examiner, 27 September 2013 (story):

Children left upset as pumpkins go missing

Children at Scoill Phurt le Moirrey have been left bemused and upset after three pumpkins they were enjoying seeing grow disappeared.

The largest, about 19 inches in diameter, was going to be used at a harvest festival tomorrow (Friday) in Port St Mary. On Tuesday school caretaker Steve Shepherd discovered they had been taken.

Head teacher Sue Mowle said: ‘Pupils have been left learning a lesson about the effects of what may be a crime.

‘The pumpkin has been grown and nurtured with the intention of taking pride of place in the school’s harvest celebrations which culminate with a harvest service in St Mary’s Church on Friday.

‘Following that service, the flesh of the pumpkin was due to be offered to a cafe for use in their soups and pies while the shell was destined to be used later next month for Hop-tu-naa celebrations organised by the parents, teachers and Friends’ Association.

‘Instead, children are now discussing the effect crime can have on its victims. One of the younger pupils optimistically suggested that maybe the giant pumpkin was needed by Cinderella for a coach. Let’s hope that is the case.’

Police constable Robin Arnold said: ‘While this is not the crime of the century, it has had a negative impact on a group of young primary school kids.’

Yes, head teacher Sue Mowle, figure of authority and respect, let’s hope it was the case that the giant pumpkin was needed by Cinderella for a coach… rather than it being the case that the giant pumpkin was devoured at the Mowle family dinner table. Hmmm? Hmmmmmmm? It was definitely either the head teacher or the caretaker. Some people have no shame.

Whoever did it, they’re a brave person to take on these fierce-faced schoolchildren. Just look at the facial venom of that one on the far right. And is he clenching his fists inside his sleeve? No messin’.