I'll be the one in heels

Ass.

2013-05-17T17:28:00.001-05:00

Every day I drive to work past a donkey. (Burro? Ass?) The first time I saw it, I was riding with a co-worker and I practically screamed, "OMG IS THAT A DONKEY??" and I'm sure he thought this city girl was ridiculous.

The donkey is in a small fenced area, between a car repair shop and a gravel driveway leading to some trailer homes. I'm not sure who he belongs to exactly. In the back of his yard is a tractor parked under a ramshackle roof. Sometimes in the afternoon he stands under there in the shade.

In the middle of the afternoon one day, I was driving that road behind a school bus. It stopped next to the gravel driveway, and Donkey came running out to the road from his shade. He galloped this funny front-to-back legs rock, with his head down and his nose pointing to the ground.

He was like a dog running to the bus to greet his boy.

And a boy did get off the bus. He walked down the gravel road without even looking at the donkey.

It made me really, really sad.

Ever since, I've wanted to take some photos of the donkey. I wanted to stop and bring him carrots and take some photos of him.

But it rains a lot in the Spring in South Louisiana, so he's mostly been under the awning. Or if he was in the yard, I didn't have my camera.

Finally, everything fell into place. I passed the yard one sunny afternoon and I saw him there. I turned my car around and pulled into the gravel driveway. I didn't have any carrots, but he wasn't so far from the fence so I thought I could shoot him.

I needn't have worried. He immediately came right over to me

and he checked me out

and then...he started braying at me.

It sounded a bit like he was having an asthma attack. I couldn't tell if he was saying, "YOU DO NOT BELONG HERE!" or "YAY! COME PLAY WITH ME."

Or maybe just, "WHAT, NO CARROTS?"

But people around here have guns, so I figured it was best to take my leave.

Who Would Hide Us?

2013-03-29T10:57:00.000-05:00

The other day I was driving home from work listening to an interview with Nathan Englander, author of the book What We Talk About When We Talk About Anne Frank. He was telling this story of how his family used to play this "game" -- he called it a "game," but he said, "We took it very seriously. Dead serious." -- called "Who Would Hide Us?" They evaluated their neighbors and friends to decide who, in a Second Holocaust, would hide the family.

"He would hide us," his sister said, "but she would turn us in."

And it got me thinking. (These things always get me thinking.) Often when I read stories about the civil rights era, I find myself sincerely considering whether I would have stood up for the rights of Southern Blacks. Would I have been a freedom rider? Would I have joined the marches? I think I probably would have. I feel pretty strongly about these things and the importance of speaking out, of standing with the underprivileged.

But this question - Who would hide us? - this takes it a step further, doesn't it? Now we're not just talking the possibility of being arrested or beat up by police. We're talking about risking your life. Risking your family's lives. Risking everything.

That's asking a lot, isn't it? And yet plenty of people did this in Germany. It takes a lot of courage to do something that dangerous, and that right.

So I invite you, too, to seriously consider whether you would risk everything to protect the innocent. If you do it honestly, it really gets you thinking about what you value.

And then it hit me.

Hyman.

I wouldn't be doing the hiding. I would be asking you to hide me.

Dem Dere Eyes

2013-03-25T17:35:00.004-05:00

I've been waiting for my vision insurance to kick in because you guys. I CAN NOT SEE.

I've worn glasses for nearsightedness (can't see far away) since I was 13. When I was 14, I got contacts and I've pretty much worn them exclusively ever since. My eye sight is BAD, y'all. My contact prescription is like -8.5, otherwise known as "Girl, you are blind. Why are you even trying?" But contacts have been able to correct my vision for more than 30 years now. So no big deal.

Only now, now, I'm beginning to lose my close vision. Because that's what happens when you approach the age that I am approaching. The muscles used to focus your eyeballs on close objects start to get tired. And they quit working so good.

Now, for most folks this is more a slight inconvenience than a big problem. Reading glasses or bifocals generally alleviate the issue.

Yeah, not my eyes.

The problem with being super-near-sighted is that the correction required to, say, drive a car, makes the farsighted (up close) correction a lot more complicated. My eye doctor fit me with multi-focal (bifocal) contacts and I was all, "Hey, cool! I can see again." The far vision is spot on. Up close? Not so much.

If you wear contacts, you know that you wear a new Rx for a week then go back and the doctor evaluates how the prescription is working for you. I told him that I was having a really hard time focusing up close. And going back and forth -- like from computer to paper on my desk -- is HARD. Not even blurry so much as I just can't focus.

He told me that the solution is to un-correct my far vision slightly. Basically bring the two extremes a little closer together. But he really doesn't want to do that. And look, I don't want to do that either. I have to drive, yo.

He said to always use the brightest available light when reading up and give it another week. See how it goes.

So as much as I despise bright, overhead lights, I have turned them on in my office to help me see. And it does help. But it's not a very practical solution.

So I've been considering all my options here:

Option 1: Multifocal contacts with far vision 100% corrected (*what I have now)
How it works: Allows me to see distance very well. Requires bright lighting to see up close.
Why it's impractical: Bright lighting isn't always an option. I can't read a menu in a restaurant. Can't read my phone in a variety of circumstances.

Option 2: Multifocal contacts with far vision less corrected (*the doc's next option)
How it would work: Makes it easier to read up close, but harder to see distance.
Why it's impractical: Less safe to drive. Can't see very well at basketball games, concerts, movies, etc.

Option 3: Bifocal glasses
How it would work: Corrects both distance and up close pretty completely.
Why it's impractical: My vision is so bad that, even with the new high-tech thin lenses, my glasses are coke bottles. They are heavy and become supremely uncomfortable to wear after a few hours.

Option 4: Single-vision contacts for distance with reading glasses
How it would work: Corrects my distant vision plus allows me to read up close whenever I have my reading glasses with me.
Why it's impractical: It is completely impractical to assume I'm going to have my reading glasses every time I need to read a text or send a tweet.

Option 5: Single-vision contacts for distance with Rx progressive reading glasses that have corrective lens on the bottom and clear lens on top. (*I don't even know if this is a thing. I came up with it myself.)
How it would work: I could wear the glasses pretty much all the time because they are full frames (not the kind that sit down on your nose) and without the distance Rx they wouldn't be thick or heavy. Could take them off to go outside, drive, watch TV, go to Hornets games, etc.
Why it's impractical: Insurance only pays for contacts or glasses -- not both. So there would be some out-of-pocket expense. Plus I'm afraid my eye doctor would think I'm crazy for even suggesting it.

Option 6: Lasik?
How it would work: Permanently corrects my distance vision. Then we could treat the close vision with glasses.
Why it's impractical: I'm not sure the close vision wouldn't still be difficult given that the correction with surgery may be no different than correcting with contacts. Also, big out-of-pocket expense. Also, laser cutting your eyeballs while you're awake.

I'll be honest with you - Option 5 is my favorite, because my glasses would be like a cute accessory. Which god, if I have to be old and have old eyes AT LEAST LET ME BE CUTE.

Anyone have experience here? What do you think I should do?

Wait til you hear where I've been...

2013-02-22T09:01:00.001-06:00

So, you're not going to believe this, but I've been on a cruise. For real. Wait till you see these pictures.

Okay, I joke. But I really was on a cruise. Just not that cruise. It was a Royal Caribbean ship. It was awesome. It did not break down. The biggest complaint I have is that the spa services were fairly mediocre for their exorbitant prices.

I went completely off-line, so I wrote a journal on my tablet.

Saturday, Day 1
It took us more than seven hours to traverse the Mississippi River before we even got to the Gulf. The Captain warned that it's not a straight shot, so we'd feel some "listing." We saw the Roman Numerals (XLVII) but they were backwards. I'll have to see if I can flip that photo.

(totally flipped it)

We passed two other cruise ships coming up the river. I guess they dock in NOLA on Super Bowl Saturday. Good luck with that. Hope you don't need a cab or anything. The people we ate with tonight were two retired couples from north Texas. They complained about everything. I found them to be remarkably stereotypical. Chip called them "cruise snobs." I'm ready to get out into the Caribbean where it will be warmer. I did not bring warm clothes. I brought swim suits. And given the bodies I've seen on Day 1, I have no qualms about wearing a bikini at the pool.

the pool

I had a body scrub and massage at the spa tonight. It included a scalp massage. It was loud.

Sunday, Day 2
Our neighbors upwind smoke on their balcony, which is a total buzz kill. We are about even with Cape Coral, Fla., this morning, so it's warmed up considerably. It's very weird to not have the internet. I couldn't tweet horizontally OR cuddle with Shelby this morning. I don't know what to do with myself upon awakening. We are on the port side, so when we're headed south, we have morning sun. And it's bright.

The band by the pool is playing a reggae version of Adele's "Don't You Remember." It is a travesty.

Monday, Day 3
Woke up and the Cozumel coastline was outside my balcony. I sang, "Good Morning, Mexico!" to the tune of the Hairspray song.

We ate breakfast on the balcony, then went ashore for a day of sailing and snorkeling.

I learned that you shouldn't put conditioner in your hair before snorkeling because it makes the mask straps slip and you lose your seal. Also, they kind of frown on wearing "chemicals" into the reef sea. They only let us reapply sunscreen when we left the shore so that it would be dry and not wash off and kill their coral. The older Asian guy next to me on the catamaran had this giant log book where he wrote down every detail of the trip -- names of the crew members, what time we set out, his feelings about snorkeling. I started to make fun of him until I realized that if I had an internet connection I'D BE DOING THE SAME THING. At lunch at Toro's Place

RECOMMEND

we watched pelican's dive into the sea for fish.

It made me feel like I'm not so far from home after all. First day I truly felt like I was on vacation.

Tuesday, Day 4
Good Morning, Grand Cayman!

Chip said one of our balcony neighbors got into a plate-throwing domestic argument this morning. I missed it because I was getting a facial. Which came with another scalp massage. Still loud. Today we went swimming with dolphins.

It was ah-maz-ing! We also waded in the turtle ponds. And turtles are my FAVORITE. I love them.

I refrained from kissing them. There are a lot of people this evening with severe sunburn. I don't understand coming to the Caribbean and not wearing sunscreen. We had dinner at Portofino's and now prosciutto with apples and buffalo mozzarella is my favorite ever.

Wednesday, Day 5
Good Morning, Jamaica!

The time is going fast. Today will be a relaxing day at the beach. We bought a pass to one of the resorts here. Jamaica is definitely the prettiest island from the sea. Colorful buildings and lush mountains. Even the terminal courtyard is nicer -- clean and polished and charming.

Compared to this, Cozumel and Grand Cayman felt like tent cities thrown up to accommodate the tourists. I thought Jamaica might be my favorite, based on how pretty it is. I considered that we might actually fly down here and spend a week at a resort on a future vacation. Until I encountered the "no problem, mon" which sure, it's not a problem for YOU that you picked us up a half hour late, but we paid good money to spend the day at the beach and you're eating into our clock. It's actually kind of infuriating if you're not a patient person. The beach was lovely and the weather so beautiful I never got in the water passed my ankles. I just lazed in the shade of an almond tree, eating jerk chicken and drinking fresh lemonade.

Ahhh...yeah'mon. I've seen a lot in 20 years of marriage, but there's not much that rivals seeing Chip sitting on a beach in a guayabera shirt smoking a Cuban cigar. PS - It turns out that reggae version of "Don't You Remember" is a popular radio hit here. I don't know who sings it. If I had the internet I'd look it up for you.

Editor's Note: It was Romain Virgo.

Thursday, Day 6
We have two days at sea ahead of us, as we swing past the western tip of Cuba and head back into the Gulf of Mexico. This morning Chip woke up very early (clock change) so he went up to the top deck and walked a mile and a half around the deck track. Then he went and got a bran muffin. He said he was feeling guilty for all he's been eating, but I suspect he has turned into one of those elderly cruisers. We had dinner with three couples that we liked so much that the eight of us agreed to eat together again tomorrow. Then we all went to see the show, a Broadway revue. Which, you know, Broadway, right? I listen to the satellite radio Broadway channel every single day. I know way, way more Broadway tunes than your average passenger. And I hardly knew any of the songs. They let the white girl (who I don't like) sing Dreamgirls. And then they sang Robert Palmer! I mean come on! I know this is cruise ship entertainment, but if you're going to do a Broadway revue, don't do songs from a fucking jukebox show!

Friday, Day 7
I tuned into Headline News this morning (has that been available all week?) and they're showing a winter storm that dumped 10 inches of snow on Michigan. Three feet is expected in Boston today and their public transit system is closing at 3 this afternoon. Okay...going back to the pool now.

The Time Machine on Main Street

2013-01-20T16:27:00.000-06:00

There are a lot of things I will do to protect the public image of my company or a client. Sometimes it even requires after hours research.

In a smoky dive bar.

A semi-successful local band recently released a CD with a song about my workplace. Weird, I know. In almost 20 years of PR, this is a first for me. It's actually a really good song. It shouldn't be a huge issue, but something like this has the potential to bring you good press -- or bad press -- so you want to check it out. You want to be on top of it. You have to be prepared.

So when I read in the paper that the band was playing at a local club near my house, I figured we had to go see what it was all about.

I've seen The Green Room from the outside -- a very small establishment in a row of storefronts on main street. Weekend nights you can drive by and hear the loud music. But I don't have much use for small, smoky dive bars and loud music.

We arrive at 9, the time the paper said the show would start. The place isn't very crowded. A few people are drinking longnecks at the low-ceilinged bar; a couple others are shooting pool.

I've seen this place before. Not this exact place; I've not actually been in here. But every town has this bar. In Memphis, it's called The Poplar Lounge. I spent a lot of my early 20s there.

The place has green walls that look like they were painted with leftover paint. Like accidental green walls. The Accidentally Green Room. There's a microphone on the stage, but no drums or anything. It seems it might be a while before we hear any music.

About 9:45, the "opening act" goes on. Nobody said anything about an "opening act." And yet here we are: a guy and a guitar. Every song sounds just like the last one, and starts out with, "Here's one from my last album..." His girlfriend is chain smoking at a table down in front with her friends. They probably plan their Saturday nights based on where he's playing this week. She is me, in my 20s. In my defense, my boyfriends had a lot more talent than this clown.

After he plays for an hour, they finally begin setting up the stage for the headliner. This takes another half-hour. My age gives me away not by the way I look or dress but how I keep yawning. I even had a coffee before we came, too.

It seems this will never start. The stage is finally set, but the musicians are standing in a corner, drinking beers. The drummer is doing yoga stretches on the floor. The lead singer motions to his girlfriend and now it seems we'll get started as soon as he blows a doob with the sound guy.

The first song is about whiskey. The second song has the f-word in the title. The tunes are catchy and short. The third song is the one about my place of employment. Lucky for me, he's not a talker, and he doesn't explain the connection. Most people probably think he's singing about moonshine. My work here is done.

I want to stay longer because I'm really enjoying both the music and their show, but I'm getting second-hand-smoke cancer just sitting here. My husband and his asthma are spending more time on the patio than in the actual bar. After five or six or seven songs we go home.

I age 25 years in the five-minute car ride. By the time we arrive home, I'm 46 again.

Just the Facts, Ma'am.

2013-01-19T00:37:00.002-06:00

via @Carmen, who hid a Steel Magnolias quote in hers, so I hid one in mine.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

No but I've had two Kalisa's named after me, and one of them has had a Kalisa named after her, so...never mind, I have no idea how to draw that tree.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

In the theater at Les Miz.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

I actually kinda do. If I have the right pen.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

olive loaf just kidding I don't eat cold cuts

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

One, although technically he's not really a "kid" anymore.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

Oh sure. I'm hilarious.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?

No, never. Absolutely not. Uh-uh.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

Pretty sure they're around here somewhere.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

not even for a million dollars.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

The only cereal I can eat anymore is chex and chex is boring. I used to like Life and peanut butter Cap'n Crunch.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

no. that's a pointless exercise.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

no. not at all. super-duper weakling. Know how many push-ups I can do? NONE.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

I can no longer have Ben & Jerry's Brownie Cheesecake which is the best damn ice cream ON THE PLANET so now I eat coconut ice cream and put mini chocolate chips in it.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

their style (or, you know...lack thereof.)

15. RED OR PINK?

pink. Unless we're talking blood, and then I prefer mine be red.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

my jacked up back

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

Sean Payton.

18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?

My technique is really good. I think my form and content will improve with time.

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

black boots

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

cheese omelet & hash browns

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

the Grizzlies game

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

purple. it's complicated.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

citrus scents

24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU?

way

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?

beach. unless I'm in the witness protection plan. then the hideaway one.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Saints football; Tiger basketball

27. HAIR COLOR?

indeed.

28. EYE COLOR?

no, they're fine the way they are.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

yes

30. FAVORITE FOOD?

grilled fish tacos

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

never scary movies. never ever ever

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

Les Miz

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?

gray

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

in the south? Winter

35. FAVORITE DESSERT?

chocolate cake. oh, wait, I thought you said "favorite breakfast."

36. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?

heh. heh heh. Funny.

37. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?

computer

38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

I'm like 2/3 through Wonder Boys and it has gotten so boring and the characters are so pitiful that it's depressing me and now I'm not sure I can go on.

39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

my what now?

40. FAVORITE SOUND?

mostly I hate sounds. especially loud ones or repetitive ones.

41. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?

alternative. and show tunes

42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

Monaco

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

I used to be a pretty good singer once. I'm still damn good when I'm alone in the car.

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

in a hospital. HAHAHA. I told you I was hilarious. Washington, DC

45. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?

Louisiana Northshore

46. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?

I can't really answer that without going outside and looking at it.

47. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?

gray

48. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 48 QUESTIONS?

probably way more than you enjoy reading them.

The Light of Grace

2013-01-03T10:09:00.000-06:00

I've not met anyone who's seen Les Miserables that wasn't moved by it. A couple of people online have complained that the movie was boring, but the overwhelming reaction to the musical in any form is a deep, impassioned love for it.

Why are we so touched by this story? The music is powerful and beautiful, but it has to be more than catchy songs. Rent has catchy songs, and we love Rent, but people aren't stirred by Rent the way they are Les Mis. So it must be something in the story.

Les Mis is a story of redemption. And we do love stories of redemption, don't we? We love to see people get turned around. From street thug to Olympic athlete. Crackhead to pastor. Sinner to saint. There are so many stories of violence, destruction and waste; our hopes are lifted by one who reverses that course and chooses instead service, compassion and grace.

So we appreciate Jean Valjean's story of redemption - that he still has a caring heart after the unjust punishment he's endured. Some even call him Christ-like in his willingness to sacrifice himself for the sake of others.

And yet...it's not really Jean Valjean's story that emotionally binds us, is it? It's the others. The tragic. The unfortunates. Les miserables. It's the heart-wrenching affections that there are dreams that can not be, and he was never mine to lose.

So what keeps the story of Les Mis from being a complete wrist-slasher by the time it's over? Could you imagine if you went to your editor and said, "I have this great idea for a book: Everyone is beaten and downtrodden and miserable and then in the end, they all die! Uh-huh! Yeah!"

It is the light of grace. It is that in each of their stories - even the most tragic - the light of grace shines through a simple act of love and compassion. Even Fantine. Even Eponine. Even the abused urchin who dreams of a mother to love her. No matter how far they've been beaten down - how miserable their lives have been - in the end, they find peace because someone shows them just a moment of love.

The real theme of Les Mis comes in one of the very last lines of the play:

To love another person is to see the face of God.

That is how God's grace shines on us - through the compassion of others. And how we, in turn, share the grace we have received.

Anne Lamott said, "The mystery of grace is that God loves Jerry Sandusky just as much as our grandchildren." If you believe that God Is Love, then He loves the thief and the prostitute and the child abusers and the suicidal prison guard all the same. Everyone deserves to see the face of God. Everyone deserves to be loved.

Well, except maybe for the Thernadiers.

~Ciao, 2012~

2012-12-31T11:24:00.001-06:00

Drink with me to days gone by

To the life that used to be

At the shrine of friendship, never say die

May the wine of friendship never run dry

Here's to you and here's to me.

Favorite 2012 Tweets - That's a Wrap

2012-12-28T08:13:00.000-06:00

Getting ready to make some New Year's Resolutions? Be inspired by these tweeters who are clearly in touch with who they are.

@salihughes

In my experience, men like women with style and confidence and if for you that means red lips then FFS wear them proudly.

@shriekhouse

This existential crisis would be much better if I were having it in a decrepit attic apartment in Paris.

@WendiAarons

My dentist's office has confirmed tomorrow's appt. with me 3 times. At this point, I suspect it's really a surprise party.

@annsrants

I can never remember the titles nor authors of the books I'm reading. This memory foam mattress is BULLCRAP.

@lauriewrites

I don't think I can get out of this bed. I'm basically a Charlie Bucket

@mrsmetaphor

I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.” -@AnneLamott

@alittlepregnant

I use a coffee mug to melt butter in the microwave. Never do this while also drinking coffee. I mean, yum. I mean, *clutching at aorta*

@Sundry

Do I want to talk to a local news reporter about reading 50 Shades of Grey? Ah hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa no.

@latinadiana

Sometimes when I start to get paranoid or anxious I have to check myself, take a breath, and think oh yeah - I don't give a fuck

@allisonzapata

You can always tell what kind of week I'm having by how many fast food straw wrappers are in the drivers side door compartment of my car.

@alotofnothing

What's the proper ratio of Reading Trash Books to Reading Quality Literature? Is there a 3-to-1 or 10-to-1 split? I'm working on 20-to-0.

@raquelhinson

next lady to rub my belly is getting her boob squeezed; 'sorry, I thought we were touching each other inappropriately'

@KarenSugarpants

I miss being a kid, when I got all happy on days that Mom said, "you can wear shorts!"

@WendiAarons

One of the moms on the other team is a former Miss Texas. One of the moms on our team refers to herself as "Tweety Gurl."

@ANNELAMOTT

Am going to be more like Kalinda on "The Good Wife". I'll need high heel boots & a gun. Hope am not badly injured or killed by gun, or boots

@thecoolhunter

Whenever you have the chance to travel, do so. Seeing how people do things in a different environment will spark your creativity.

@bytesdog

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why. ~ Mark Twain

@LizScott

after several unsuccessful attempts to log in, I realized: I got off the elevator at the wrong floor. NOT MY DESK

@lauriewrites

"Why are you leaving your position?" "It's time for. A cool change." Missed opportunity.

@thatkristen

Never say "Oh that's huge, it'll never fit me!" out loud because you will try it on and it will be too fucking small.

@WendiAarons

Fun fact: if you don't wear your work-out clothes for awhile, they shrink inside your drawers.

@tomandlorenzo

"Prometheus, are you seeing this?" I'm just going to say that every time I see some ugly outfit. L

@AnnieAtkins

When I don't have the energy to write a proper email I send a two-word reply & add "Sent from my iPhone" at the bottom. This is a thing now.

@L8enough

I have Order Muppet eyebrows for sure.

@toitokyo

There's no such thing as bad weather, only the wrong clothes.

@TemerityJane

There's no s'mores pie. I just yelled "I had a spinal tap!" into a drive thru speaker. Far from my proudest moment.

@nprmonkeysee

I remember the Bicentennial. This is something I think about when I'm not feeling mortal enough. #Cap4thPBS

@thoscarpenter

When someone says, 'The cavalry has arrived." I hear, 'The Cabaret has arrived." That's all you need to know about me.

@ANNELAMOTT

Medical update; one of the melanomas responded to Benadryl spray, the other came off easily w/ paint thinner. Aneurysm better after Advil.

@Storminika

Whenever I have pizza ordered in, I try to think of the worst way to come to the door, so far I've decided it's tied to a chair.

@sucittaM

For someone who has a license to drive a car and own a firearm I sure choke on my spit a lot.

@kristysf

I'm sophisticated enough now (read: old) that I can look at pictures of restaurants and know they'll be too loud for me.

@annsrants

I love short hair and geek glasses on women. I could totally pull that off, too...if I wanted to look like Paul on The Wonder Years.

@Tmoney68

Slept with the window open last night. Or as I like to call it, "Went Camping."

@debontherocks

One of those public nudity bad dreams. I was baring greatly.

@MarinkaNYC

So I'm at a party tonight and this woman says "my dad hooks up with a Russian whore" and then turns to me with a "no offense."

@WendiAarons

Nail lady noticed the one moisturized part of my foot. AKA the spot where I spilled oil from a jar of natural peanut butter this morning.

@finslippy

Elderly lady strolling on the treadmill, wearing slacks & loafers, purse tucked under her arm: I want to be you someday, little superstar.

@tomandlorenzo

I hate when crisp fall mornings turn into muggy afternoons. I dirtied a pair of socks for nothing! -T.

@birbigs

I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

@amybhole

Now, every time I trip over my own feet, I will ashamedly remind myself that Baumgartner was able to stick that landing.

@debontherocks

Too many chevrons on Pinterest. This generation of women made too many gum wrapper chains. Brains altered. http://is.gd/1wUfhW

@WendiAarons

Husband: "I just saw that woman you don't like." Me: "You'll have to be way more specific than that."

@nprmonkeysee

One more "Free To Be" thought: Nothing from my childhood delighted me like the idea that the hungry tigers would eat the snotty girls first.

@JoanVixen

I realize that my mother & grandmother wouldn't understand or comprehend much of what I do everyday. But then sometimes I make cornbread.

@WendiAarons

Me: "Why is every man in a commercial unshaven these days?" My husband: "You're getting dangerously close to 'Take a bath, hippie.'"

@ANNELAMOTT

My pastor says you can trap bees on floor of jars w/o lids b/c they don't look up--just walk around &bump into glass. So look up. We're free

@cherietnola

I just added “Present first born like Simba in The Lion King" to my birth plan.

@ANNELAMOTT

3 mins! Thank you all for coming. Hope something I said was helpful or make you laugh. Laughter is carbonated holiness, REALLY #readpenguin

@raquelhinson

whenever i get dressed, I feel like Anne Hathaway in the end of The Devil Wears Prada but I'm pretty sure I look like her in the beginning.

@JenO_Eh
I think I'll be getting diabetes for Christmas this year.

@purplelara

I hope you’re enjoying and appreciating your chin-hair free days, ladies under 40.

Not Really Christmas

2012-12-27T15:54:00.000-06:00

We traveled to Memphis to see Elijah for Christmas. We celebrated in a hotel room. It wasn't very festive. There was no tree. No candles. No Christmas dinner. Not even any Christmas movies to watch on the crappy hotel basic cable stations. Christmas consisted wholly and completely of some presents for E. To tell the truth, it was more like a birthday than Christmas.

If I had planned better (and had more time), I would've baked all kinds of gluten-free Christmas treats to take with us. But since I didn't, I had none. It wasn't very festive.

Chip had given me my gift (an Epiphanie camera bag) a month ago, so I didn't have any gifts to open. It wasn't very festive.

We gave Elijah his gifts on Christmas Eve after he got off work, because thunderstorms, hail and tornadoes were forecast for Christmas Day, and we decided not to drive home in that. We checked out early and drove home that night.

It wasn't very festive.

The highlight of the holiday was going to see Les Mis and...crying.

I don't know what Christmas is supposed to be when you're grown, and your kids are grown. I keep trying to imagine what a festive holiday would look like. It was our first year away and of course we wanted to spend it with E. Maybe next year we decorate our new home, fill it with the smells of gluten-free pies and cookies baking, and send Elijah a big Christmas bonus. I don't know.

I just know this wasn't it.

Favorite 2012 Tweets about...Working for a Living

2012-12-26T08:31:00.000-06:00

I don't often favorite tweets that are about working, but if you're working this week (like I am), you might need a few of these.

@theholmes

Always reply to out of office auto-response emails with "THIS DOES NOT ADDRESS MY CONCERNS."

@scottsimpson

If there isn't a uniformed lady cat doing your job somewhere in Busytown, you probably have a dumb job.

@ChaseMit

If clinical depression was a sound, it would be two people trying to talk at the same time during a conference call.

@bethykins

I wonder if the folks at my last job ever figured out how to get the keyboard from Dvorak to Qwerty.

@kalisah

I love my job, but how great would it be if I worked at a plant that made COOKIES??

@TwoAdults

You need to transfer to Pepperidge Farm. Or! That tree where the elves make those cookies.

‏@WendiAarons

The best meetings include the phrase "bring a chair" in the email.

Les Notes Miserables

2012-12-25T18:38:00.002-06:00

Our plans were to stay in Memphis until Christmas Day, but the weather forecast for Tuesday was so threatening that we gave Elijah his gifts on Christmas Eve and checked out the night before. We drove home during the night to avoid thunderstorms, tornadoes and hail. Well, that was Chip's reason, anyway. I agreed to it because then we could go see Les Mis on Christmas Day.

Chip went with me because he loves movies and he'll go see just about anything really. We saw the play last year in Memphis and he liked it okay (except for all the singing). I didn't have any tissues in the house, and the roll of toilet paper wouldn't fit in my bag. But I found one of Dad's handkerchiefs so I took that. I figured I could wring it out.

Here were my thoughts that I was unable to tweet once the lights went down:
[Spoilers ahead. If it can even be a spoiler on a story from 1862.]

Wow, they show a lot of previews when you go to a movie on Christmas Day.

I'm not hating that Gatsby remake.

Finally. Here we go...

Don'tsingdon'tsingdon'tsing...

"Who am ayyyyeeee??" *sniff* *sniff* Oh god, I'm crying already??

I thought Hugh Jackman would use his really powerful, musical theater voice. I guess none of them are. I guess they don't need to. It's weird, hearing these songs in a soft voice.

"But there are dreams that can not beeeeeee" Oh Annie, you did not let me down. I wasn't convinced you had this but I am a believer now. Très tragique. Sobbing audibly now.

(And god you're skinny.)

Don'tclapdon'tclapdon'tclap...

People in this movie are a lot dirtier than they were on stage.

I could've done without that Sweeney Todd scene. People already have greasy hair, dirty fingernails and rotten teeth. How much grosser do we need to be?

Is this a new song? Why do we need a new song? This is not Dream Girls.

Russell Crowe has the appropriate intensity for Javert, but he really doesn't have the voice. They should've got the guy from Phantom.

Huh. I think they took this part from the book. I don't remember Valjean and Cosette running from Javert through the walls of Paris in the play.

HOW SMALL IS EPONINE'S WAIST? That is not natural.

Anyone else distracted by how Marius's vibrato shakes his whole face? Cute freckles though.

"He was never mine to looooose" oh god, sobbing.

(Is that my phone vibrating? I swear I put it on silent)

I'm glad they didn't put a ton of makeup on Cosette. Her character is not a china doll, although she kind of seems like it next to all the dirty people.

"Without me, his world will go on turning...a world that's full of happiness that I have never KNOOOOWN" Face is buried in the hankie now.

"One day mooooore" You can sing a little bit on the loud songs.

The moment of truth: Wolverine sings Bring Him Home. "If I diiiiiieee, let me diiiiieeee! But let him liiiiiiivvvee!" Everyone else is crying too, right? I can't even catch my breath.

Oh, they changed this part. That is not how Eponine died in the play. But dead is dead, I suppose, and this story does run up a body count.

(WHY is my phone vibrating? Turning it off completely now.)

I hadn't wanted to miss a moment, but I can't even watch this sewer scene. I'm pretty sure Marius would've died from bacterial infection after that.

The kid does pretty good on Empty Chairs at Empty Tables. Better than that Jonas brother in the 25th anniversary special.

"To love another person is to seeeee the face of Gooooooood" That's it. I'm done. Wringing out the hankie.

Aaaand...scene! BRAVO!!

Chip said that the story is easier to follow in the movie. I had read a review that called Les Mis a "simple story of redemption" and I was all Really? I don't think it's a simple story at all. I think the theme is simple, but the story's actually kind of convoluted. Don't believe me, just try telling it to someone.

Also, it turns out when your phone vibrates after you've put it on silent, it's because there is a tornado on the ground in your area and it wants you to take protective cover immediately. "If I diiiiieee, let me diiiiiieee, seeing Les Miiiiiiiissss!"

Favorite 2012 Tweets about...Holidays!

2012-12-24T08:37:00.000-06:00

May your days be merry and bright, y'all!

@Sundry

Older kid branched out to turkey and potatoes this year. 4yo still had a plate with 56 dinner rolls and nothing else.

@debontherocks

When I hear "Black Friday" I think "Black Mold." So, no thank you discount television of respiratory death. #BlockFriday

@tarable

The only line I'm waiting in is the one in front of our refrigerator for leftovers. #BlockFriday

@nprmonkeysee

I always assume the guy who sings "Ev'ry Valley Shall Be Exalted" is the most pompous dude in the whole chorus, which is really unfair.

@nprmonkeysee

Absolute truth: I judge your entire Messiah recording on the tempo of "And The Glory Of The Lord." #choralnerdtweeting

@nprmonkeysee

Also truth: The funniest title in The Messiah is "All We Like Sheep." #choralnerdtweeting

@saxikath

I always fill in the instrumental bit that follows the first line with, "We don't like goats."

@Sundry

Jesus, the holiday hilarity in giving my wimpy-ass kids a couple of candy canes. "Mmm, these are -- argh! Hot! WHY ARE THEY SO HOT?"

‏@JenO_Eh

I think I'll be getting diabetes for Christmas this year.

‏@badbanana

Instead of Elf on a Shelf, our family has Edge on a Ledge. He reports back to Bono and if we've been good, we'll get wraparound sunglasses.

Favorite 2012 Tweets about...Writing and Writers

2012-12-21T08:28:00.000-06:00

"The art of writing is the highest of those permitted to man." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

@BreneBrown

Editor is unsure about me using Whitesnake lyrics to illustrate a point. Next time: "Like a drifter I was born to walk alone." – Plato

@sorkinese

–You're going to come to a verb soon, right? –Okay, you know what this is called? –Bad writing? –Imagery.

@hipstermermaid

Holden Caulfield would've been a blogger.

@ANNELAMOTT

You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better.

@LettersOfNote

Lovely Maurice Sendak anecdote: "He saw it, he loved it, he ate it."http://twitpic.com/92qrn8

@ssmirnov

I want to live in Aaron Sorkin's world. Everyone's brilliant, funny, fast-talking and attractive. #newsroom

@claire_mudie

Whoever put the 'b' in subtle was a clever bastard.

@Lin_Manuel

Frasier: It was the age of wisdom. It was the age of foolishness... Cliff: Boy, this Dickens guy really kept his butt covered, didn't he?

Favorite 2012 Tweets about...Politics

2012-12-20T08:23:00.000-06:00

Gotta love the Leap Years - we get Olympics and presidential elections! Score!

@jdickerson

The internet connection at my hotel in Iowa is so slow I am reporting that Gov. Carter appears to be having a surge.

@missbanshee

@kalisah BARTLET 2012!!!!

@sucittaM

State of the Union prediction: Obama walks up, clears throat, says "Shit cray", drops the mic and walks off.

@ND622

Every time President Obama said "Anyone telling you otherwise" in his SOTU I so wanted to reply "is itchin' for a fight".

@MarinkaNYC

So he masturbated in public. It's not like he took birth control pills or anything.

@KenJennings

I don't know if Newt is looking at running mates yet, but if he wants his head to look normal-size, four words: Vice President Oliver Platt.

@KenJennings

I like when Herman Cain says "Speaker Gingrich" because it makes Newt sound like some crazy Asian communist-dictator-for-life.

@JoeMande

Kind of sad that Mitt Romney didn't even win in Jackson County, Missouri, where he believes the Garden of Eden was located.

@KenJennings

Whenever I see Gingrich on the news, I feel like he should be licking a giant lollipop.

@mrlady

Headline: Disorganization marring Santorum campaign. And all this time i thought it was the racist patriarichal biogtry. Huh.

@WendiAarons

Yahoo headline: "Where are Mitt's sons?" Unless the answer is "standing next to naked Daniel Craig," I could give a shit.

@dansinker

You do everything you can to leave a good and honest life. Only to have your heart end up inside Dick Cheney.

@DicksTweets

how is it possible to play a charming conservative? Must be most difficult acting assignment ever

@AlecBaldwin

It's close

@WendiAarons

I'm not filling up my bird feeder anymore because it's making the birds too lazy & entitled. Plus I just saw a cardinal driving a Cadillac.

@wilw

I ran out of fucks to give about who can get married a long time ago. How about: two people who love each other. Bam. Easy. Nailed it.

@KenJennings

WILD HOMOSEXUAL ORGIES IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM!!! (according to the email my grandma will be forwarding me tomorrow)

@Josh_K_Roberts

To me, same-sex marriage is a no-brainer. The American government should be about finding and creating freedoms at every opportunity.

@WolfpackAlan

Obama: I like Coke. Fox News: Obama has declared war on Pepsi.

@pnuts_mama

easier to buy 6,000 round of ammo than to purchase the morning after pill. god bless America.

@argylestyle

Leaving the gay bar now. Hopefully your marriages are still intact.

@bazecraze

If Paul Ryan popped up in the first ten minutes of a Law and Order episode, you'd be all "oh, he's the killer".

@markchildress

Survivors of the Titanic: are you better off than you were when the ship hit the iceberg? The 1st class passengers want to know. (Dkos)

@jonathanchait

If you can "marry whoever you love" in Massachusetts, what if somebody loves Scarlett Johannasen? She has to do it? Asking for a friend.

@PetCobra

Last two Republican VP's: Dick Cheney and Dan Quayle. Just thought I'd remind everyone. #shotaguy #potatoe

@SiMichele

#FLOTUS is a better person than me,I would've had the woman wearing the same color next to me removed by the secret service already #DNC2012

@awall410

President Clinton = "Secretary of explaining stuff."

@Mike_FTW

Dear Republicans praying for a Romney victory: we’re agreed that a Romney loss proves God’s non-existence then, right?

@wilw

Don't feel too bad, Richard Mourdock. It's all part of God's plan for you to SHUT THE FUCK UP FOREVER YOU MISOGYNIST PIECE OF SHIT.

@RaeBeta

NEW GOAL: MARRY ELIZABETH WARREN IN MARYLAND

@mat

FoxNews belatedly coming to observation that polls and, like, math and stuff is real.

@wilw

Oh hi Todd Aikin! Turns out when a rape apologist runs for Senate, the voters of Missouri have a way of shutting that whole thing down.

@farleftcoast

Florida, I speak for all of us when I say if you fuck this up again we’ll have no choice but to give you to Cuba.

@Queen_UK

Text from Ed Miliband: "I've congratulated President Obama". Text from President Obama: "Who the hell is Ed Miliband?"

@tokissthecook

And then my cab driver repeated every single one of our talking points in colorful narrative and my heart was full. His name is Abe.

@mrsmetaphor

Is there some reason I ought to be paying attention to this Petreaus thing because I actively avoid Jersey Shore type situations

2012 Photos Worth Clicking On

2012-12-19T08:07:00.000-06:00

@TemerityJaneOnly those Instagram with the top 3% of cutest children will get me to click through now that I can't see the pictures in line.

‏@TemerityJaneAnd I'm going to need you to clearly mark that one, it's a picture of your kid, and two, an especially cute one.

I'm not gonna lie - I don't see a lot of the photos you post. It annoys me that my Twitter app doesn't show your Intagram photos - I have to click the link, leave twitter and view them in my browser. Still, some pictures are well worth the click.

@Lin_Manuel

While hanging w/ @johnrossbowie last night, a prom showed up for our amusement!

http://instagr.am/p/JvEvgckAM2/

@salihughes

Total joy giver. (via @chelseagirl2)

pic.twitter.com/PGY2GYGG

@Sundry

I asked what they were doing and the older one said, "Spy stuff. Lookin' for a donkey." pic.twitter.com/siUeT4nP

@lauriewrites

This was the very first panel I saw, which pleased me greatly, as much as a sad thing can. @AIDSQuilt

http://instagr.am/p/NZM-eRR_2j/

@lukelewis

When the name of your mag is 'Where' you ought to be more careful w/ layout http://i.imgur.com/Z8WpH.jpg

@BarackObama

Three guys hanging out backstage in Columbus

pic.twitter.com/Ebkxfmtq

@msbatonrouge10

In nearly 165 years, have we made this little progress? Sad.

pic.twitter.com/dZMzbGJB

@mconley11

Just landed back in Memphis. Take a look a zach educating his mind.. Lol pic.twitter.com/XbaGRCFU

And come on!! Picture of the YEAR right here (ICYMI):
@seanjsprague
late entry for local news photo of the year http://instagram.com/p/TByJK-SsJt/

Favorite 2012 Tweets about...The Olympics

2012-12-18T07:57:00.000-06:00

A Sports-subset, this year brought the Summer Olympics from London. Twitter takeaway: We loved the Games; we hated NBC's coverage of them.

@Texas_Gal

That @NBCOlympics is live-tweeting something they are not live broadcasting is hilariously stupid.

@TracyAnnO

Audacious brilliant intelligent inclusive . Danny Boyle has created the unthinkable. Clever little nation x

@AtomicOvermind

OMG NBC. SHUT YOUR PEOPLE UP. SHUT. THEM. UP.#Olympics2012

@tomandlorenzo

SHUT.UP. I don't need everything explained to me. #OpeningCeremony #Olympics L

@L8enough

My 3 year old daughter informed me that she has definitely played rugby before. #2012SummerOlympics

@tomandlorenzo

Seriously, are they paid by word? #OpeningCeremony #Olympics

@AtomicOvermind

NO, MATT. Let's NOT RECAP. Because I am an adult and I have OBJECT PERMANENCE.

Tom + Lorenzo® ‏@tomandlorenzo

We're back and Matt Lauer wants you to know that they're in London.#OpeningCeremony #Olympics

@hockeymandad

How can I mute Matt & Meredith #NBCOlympics? Their script is horrifically annoying and vapid.

@alotofnothing

I'm assuming the exhibition sport this year is a Hot Body Contest with David Beckham, Prince Harry, and Daniel Craig. #Olympics

@debontherocks

I love Olympic Grinch. Plucking medals off the tearful athletes #olympicSchmutz

@lauriewrites

The Von TRAPP FAMILY SINGAHS!

@tomandlorenzo

What the hell, Great Britain? The Queen HATES your ABBA uniforms.#OpeningCeremony #Olympics

@fuggirls

My opening ceremony theme would've been: more murdery royals, pubs, and homages to flavored potato crisps; less dirt & miner's lung -H

@daveweigel

These people have totally earned the Falklands.

@fuggirls

"Let's just sit back and listen," Bob FINALLY says after three and a half hours... and 15 seconds before talking again. -H #OpeningCeremony

@alotofnothing

The level to which NBC fails at bringing the Olympics to the US audience is beyond fail. #XXXOlympics

@Lawcomic

Ryan Seacrest should only be at the Olympics if he serves as a javelin catcher. #Olympics

@lauriewrites

Again, Phelps is the honey badger this year. But yes, let's please painfully psychoanalyze him every second of the day, Bob and that lady.

@Lin_Manuel

If you think I'm not bawling watching John Orozco's parents losing their sh*t in the stands, you don't know me. #UPTOWNBABY

@postpartumprog

Seeing SO many women tweeting about disliking Matt Lauer & Bob Costas. What's that about, I wonder? That can't be good for NBC.

@awrightbrian

Seems to me, given what's being said about them, that NBC would just as soon not want to remind its viewers that there's a Twitter at all.

@fuggirls

OMG NBC. Can you not figure out when to cut to the overhead camera so I don't have to see this swimming official's back 8 TIMES A RACE? -J

@ebertchicago

If *my* wife had a horse in the Olympics dressage and I didn't bother to show up, I'd be told to just f***ing never bother to show up again.

@ajjacobs

I wrote an angry tweet about NBC's delayed Olympics coverage. I plan to post it in six or seven hours.

@lauriegilbert13

Watching Olympics gymnastics with @chadgilbert64. Every time someone new gets ready to go he says, "come on, U got this...just like warm ups"

@jdickerson

Just watched judo. Was so excited, but seemed like a brawl between two guys on the way to the spa.

@jana0926

Olympics question: Why do divers go straight into the hot tub after they dive?

@alotofnothing

To make out.

@L8enough

I'm laying around in my underwear pretending I play beach volleyball. I wonder if my neighbors believe me. #Olympics

@badbanana

Congratulations, Michael Phelps. You have more than earned yourself a future reality show with awful stepdaughters.

@nprmonkeysee

MAYBE EASE UP ON THE CLOSE-UPS OF CRUSHED AND CRYING TEENAGERS. #olympics

@Moltz

NBC commentator: “They have been a team from start to finish!” As opposed to the other teams which were packs of baboons.

@edsbs

I promise this: put water polo in an above ground pool and make everyone wear jorts and the SEC would SLAY water polo.

@ratbanjos

There's some gold for you right there, motherfuckers. #TeamGB

@nprmonkeysee

That clip of adult Kerri Strug remembering thinking "I'm the only one without pants" is the cutest thing ever.

@jwherrman

listen, we put BON JOVI in our last olympics closing ceremony and now the guy who ran it might be president. we have no right to joke.

@thoscarpenter

Love Annie Lennox. For #London2012, I've been calling them Eurythmic Gymnastics, in her honor. #closingceremony

@awrightbrian

If I'd known it would be possible to be the masthead of an Olympic Death Ship, I'd have made different choices up to now.

@tomandlorenzo

Ok, Prince Harry singing "Always Look on the Bright Side" is adorable. #Olympics #ClosingCeremony

@awrightbrian

Jessie J has now had three songs during this closing ceremony. Can Seacrest interview Michael Phelps now please.

@gabyantonia89

favorite, if any, "talent based" reality tv show(s)?

@Lin_Manuel
The Olympics were pretty good.

Favorite 2012 Tweets about...Sports

2012-12-17T07:39:00.000-06:00

An LSU-Bama National Championship, a New York-New England Superbowl (and a Madonna Halftime show), Grizzlies basketball, Saints football, replacement referees...sports tweets never fail to disappoint.

@TheJimmyGraham

Last minute packing for business trip to cali.

@Mike_FTW

Tebow should have replaced the Bible verses on his arm with football plays.

@jgoody59

So if bama wins they will be national champs but not champs of the best conference in college football. #awkwarrrdddddd lol

@Lawcomic

Who is amped up about the Super Bowl? I mean other than people in the Northeastern U.S.

@thoscarpenter

We'll be watching the #Superbowl the gay way. Indulging in carbs until Madonna performs, then putting in a DVD of 'The Help.'

@allisonzapata

I am rooting for The Giants, JUST because of that time Tom Brady had a butt cut.

@KenJennings

Does anyone want the recipe for Ken Jennings' Super Bowl Chili-Cheese Dip? 1. Heat chili and Velveeta in crockpot. 2. Turn on Downton Abbey.

@badbanana

Adding a shirtless Anderson Cooper dancing around in a fireman's hat would only make this halftime show 0.2 percent more gay.

@Lawcomic

Nothing says pro-football like an irrelevant old woman with a bunch of gay male dancers. #Superbowl

@thoscarpenter

Madonna has her own marching band? What the fuck kinda high school is that?

@Moltz

This seems lavish to us but at Madonna's house this level of production is called "Tuesday"

@jasonWSJ

Deep in the Patriots locker room, Bill Belichick is like, "Wait a minute.........is that 'Like a Prayer'?"

@thoscarpenter

I hope this is a mash-up of "Like a Prayer" and "Fuck You."

@RickAfterDark

I don't mind if you liked the halftime show, but don't call it live music. It's just Glee with huge production values. #SuperBowl

@jensized

Just yelled "COUNT IT!" and the cat jumped about 3 feet in the air. Never gets old. #grizznation

@MamaChockley

My son has been practicing layups with me on him so that he won't look like a Grizzly when he grows up.

@loudersoft

It's like Oprah came in to the Clippers bench and was like, "Look under your seats, everyone gets a TECHNICAL!"

@gruber

Just opened a Coke and the underside of the bottle cap says I’m refereeing next week’s Chargers-Chiefs game.

@ATLSaint

Falcons taught young RG3 a very important lesson today. And that is, you gotta check yourself before you wreck yourself.

@JeffDuncanTP

Mark Ingram and Cam Jordan just arrived at New Orleans Arena for the Hornets' home opener vs. San Antonio.

@PAChristovich

hopefully it's less than 2.3 yards to his seat otherwise Ingram may not make it for a while.

@onehalfamazing

I’m sure UT could get John Gruden by just throwing in some volumizing shampoo and a new shower head.

@flipflops

I see the Falcons won today, making their record 9-WHODAT

@CourtneyMurr

Stanford's band is playing My Chemical Romance what

@JeffDarlington

Sanchez just got benched. Jets play Jacksonville in Tebow's hometown next week. And world is scheduled to end 12 days later. Just saying.

@Lin_Manuel

And Victor Cruz, who runs faster than Bernardo surrounded by Jets. Also, more Puerto Rican than most of the actors who've played Bernardo.

@Sundry

You know what, I would *totally* watch this game today if it were the Ducks vs the Reavers.

‏@aa000G9

Watching houston. And san antonio game!! Sheed got these commentators saying. "the Ball don't Lie"

Favorite 2012 Tweets about...Social Media

2012-12-14T07:20:00.000-06:00

This week we've learned that Twitter can be entertaining and fun. We'll wrap up with entertaining and fun tweets about Twitter.

@HonestMiss

Once I send a tweet it's not my fuckin problem anymore.

@Lin_Manuel

Every time I see a shortened link on Twitter with the first two letters "ow," My brain makes a little Michael Jackson noise.

@Mike_FTW

Meeting with a social media consultant about how to better leverage my twitter stream for optimum engagement. Kidding. Banging your mom.

@OutNumberedisMe

I don't understand Pinterest. All I see are pictures of cupcakes, wedding dresses and Ryan Gosling. Am I being Punk'd?

@lonelysandwich

“Okay, sounds food” is the first draft of every text message I've ever written.

@Leeharmon

When I see insane people on the street talking to themselves I want to tell them about Twitter.

@Sundry

So we're all going to JC Penney this weekend to buy that awesome 'too pretty for homework' shirt, right?

@ianracey

klout : clout :: krab : crab

@9to5Life

Oh nothing, just commenting "Georgia O'Keeffe?" on every flower picture on Pinterest.

@amybhole

Everyone at #SXSW taking the same 2 Instagram pics: Blurry band on stage or blurry crowd at party. You'd think "creatives" could do better.

@MarloThomas

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." Plato

@benkunz

If you tweet me 5 social media lessons from Dr. Seuss, I will unfollow you.

@lauriewrites

It's impossible not to be happy for @TheBloggess if you're a writer who found your voice on the Internet. Or if you know her. Or are alive.

@alotofnothing

No, I don't want to enable social reading, Jerkface Zuckerberg. I'd like to read salacious stories without the world knowing.

@lauriewrites

"Ted Nugent used to run around in a loincloth screaming." (My new trick is to stop reading comments if the 1st one makes me laugh.)

@lauriewrites

It's always the very best and very worst things that are untweetable around here.

@5and1

Told people at work that I’ll be attending BlogHer & now I’ve been asked for the name of my blog. I told them I write dooce.

@unmarketing

Nothing says "I've given up on Twitter" quite like a tweeted cut-off Facebook status update.

@schmutzie

If you've narrowed your engagement down to a stream of feigned product excitement, I hope it's worth the dollar bills.

@Oatmeal

"Please consider the environment before printing this email" Who in the name of Earth's evergreen butthole prints out emails?

@Carbamide

My mother used to print out joke emails to show me when I would come over. She’s dead now though.

@LettersOfNote

Tip: That film you're unimpressed with *might* be enjoyable if you turn off Twitter & actually watch it. A gamble, I know, but worth a shot.

Favorite 2012 Tweets about...Media, Movies and TV

2012-12-13T08:10:00.000-06:00

It's so fun to watch TV with all my Twitter friends. Who can resist Lin-Manuel Miranda live-tweeting the entire Buffy series? Or the live-tweets from the Television Critics Awards?

@smacksy

Can you think of the name of 1 of those kid's books that's cut into 3rds to make diff head/torso/feet combos?

@WendiAarons

Jennifer's Body.

@DaveHolmes

Obviously, the main reason I was initially so disappointed by The Phantom Menace was that I couldn't tell which items were in the foreground.

@nprmonkeysee

If you watch enough movies, you get the sense that the world's greatest injustice is that the rumpled are so misunderstood. #midnightinparis

@michele_norris

Even if I woke up from Rip Van Winkle sleep and didn't know day or time, I'd still detect Friday sound in @NPRinskeep's voice. Like that

@JennyMotley

Terrifying News Teaser of the Day: "Tonight on the news -- the debilitating illness that starts IN YOUR SHOWER." Is it low self-esteem?

@WendiAarons

The local weather woman should never wear a tight red turtleneck. She looks like a topographic map of Mars.

@mindykaling

I want to guest star on SVU but not as a victim, witness, or criminal but as Olivia Benson's pal she keeps standing up for girls drinks

@Mike_FTW

MIKE WALLACE IS DEAD BUT JOURNALISM IS ALIVE AND WELL FIND OUT MORE IN OUR SLIDESHOW AFTER THE JUMP!

@Lin_Manuel

Good morning Twitterico! I'm in your driveway, holding up a boombox, blasting In Your Eyes. Slow zoom in on our love!

@shriekhouse

"Sing, Sing A Song" is on Sesame Street in the next room and has me crying sentimentally into my tea in the kitchen.

@JohnRossBowie

Saw American Idiot. Great show, but wow those are the most athletic junkies I've ever seen."
@Lin_Manuel

Junkies in Rent gots abs too!

@Lin_Manuel

"It's funny how we're fine with a hundred year old vampire and Buffy, but we're all 'Wes n Cordelia?! Gross!!'" -My Wife

@nprmonkeysee

The actual old hymn "Rock Of Ages." #ThingsMoreMetalThanRockofAges

@scottsimpson

Dear University of Baltimore, Do you know how much I would pay for an MBA from the Stringer Bell School of Business? Lots.

@Lin_Manuel

Les Mis movie trailer! Although if you follow me you've probly already seen it three times. http://youtu.be/S3uUTKOUhZU

@ryaninco

For all we know Busta Rhymes could be rapping the terms and conditions from a website.

@nprmonkeysee

"We need a program just about Weeds!" -- Martha Stewart, who apparently doesn't watch "Weeds." #tcas12

@nprmonkeysee

Critic asks whether anyone in the cast took the Facebook "Which character are you?" quiz. Brendan Coyle raises his hand. "I'm Lady Mary."

@BastardMachine

Showstopper: Hugh Bonneville disrobes to reveal a "Free Bates" t-shirt. Place goes crazy.

@Lin_Manuel

Only on TV are slow songs played at college parties.

@Lin_Manuel

My name for Buffy's new boyfriend is Lared Jeto.

@ooph

I will SO be watching @ChicagoFire You know, for the articles.

@kellyoxford

If I were on The Bachelor & got picked up for a date by helicopter, I'd pull out a french horn & play the MASH theme.

‏@Lin_Manuel

Re-listening to the Les Mis OBC. That lady who sings "AND IN A BEEEED" really went all in. #ANDINABEEEEEEEEED #attheendoftheday

Favorite 2012 Tweets about...Annoying People

2012-12-12T07:56:00.000-06:00

Man, it's good to see that I'm not the only person who gets annoyed by people. I feel sorry for people who have to work with the general public. People are annoying.

@onehalfamazing

If your husband & 2 sons are at Gateway Tire please come pick them up. Eating all the free popcorn and acting like a bunch of assholes

@Moltz

New rule: if you have to shake your coffee drink to get it to slide to the bottom, you're not having coffee, you're having dessert. At 7 AM.

@WendiAarons

Is the El Debarge look in for 50 year old white guys? Asking for my new allergy doctor with the skinny mustache and waxed eyebrows.

@WendiAarons

Seatmate just wiped off armrests & is now squirting something in her nose. I think she might be Woody Allen.

@gregorysheldon

What's the etiquette on honking at a motherfucker who appears to be refinancing his mortgage at a drive-thru ATM?

@jensized

Wow, I can’t believe that classy Mercedes didn’t come with a turn signal. …Oh, you’re just a jerk? Never mind. #memphisdrivers

@kimgarst

People like to bring up your past when your present and future look better than theirs.

Favorite 2012 Tweets about...Family

2012-12-11T08:33:00.000-06:00

Let's face it, our families provide some of the best entertainment around. Or, at least I'm entertained by y'all's families.

@MarinkaNYC

I just yelled at everyone and yet I don't feel at all better. I hate when it doesn't take.

@Lin_Manuel

Writing a complete score is nowhere near as hard as trying to cut my dogs' nails by myself.

@TemerityJane

I can handle Phil being gone for the most part, but the baby and dogs are fucking USELESS when I discover the toilet paper roll is empty.

@MmeSurly

Kid just asked me to turn up a Steely Dan song, so. Whatever. Just come get him.

@finslippy

Dog is picking up pieces of kibble out of his bowl, pausing, then spitting each one on the floor. NONE of these are treats! WHAT THE HELL.

@WendiAarons

Parade Magazine has "6 steps to give your child a haircut." Step 7 probably involves a paper bag & homeschooling.

@WendiAarons

I don't think the Little League registration page really needs to start the birth year selections at 1900.

@nummiesbras

8 years ago I was in labor. Makes today seem really really really easy ;)

@salihughes

Oh. RT @WhatTheFFacts: Attractive people are more likely to have daughters.

@WendiAarons

My son is trying to play "I'm Sexy & I Know It" on his 4th grade recorder. It's like he WANTS me to become an Oxycontin addict.

@WendiAarons

Husband told me to "hurry" as I went to use a gas station bathroom. Like I'm going to light candles & play some Kenny G in there?

@jonniker

Sometimes toddler silence means she's dumping out her Disney bubble bath to "smell the princesses" while you empty the dishwasher.

@TwoAdults

Tomorrow is pajama day in Iris' classroom at school, and Ezra said "I want a jammie day!" I told him to get in line.

@Sundry

Talking about a pediatrican visit & the 4yo goes, "But remember how our dog went to the vet and she got a shot and she DIED?" Well, shit.

@Busymom

My kid's a varsity hooker tonight. What? I'm talking about rugby, what are you talking about?

@allisonzapata

My husband just asked what's for dinner. A steaming hot bowl of get it yourself. That's what.

@AnissaMayhew

The 8yo just asked where we get kids. I told her amazon.com.

@alittlepregnant

I mean, if you're gonna spend 3 grafs telling me how much Aunt Beulah loved Jesus, at least tell me how she managed to snag a date with him.

@alotofnothing

Took our girls to see an actual mansion today on Parade of Homes. I fear they now feel we are under qualified to be their parents.

@MarinkaNYC

Home sweet holy shit, how come no one did the dishes all weekend?!

@mrsmetaphor

Me to Miles: "What are they watching downstairs?" Miles: "How to kill a mockingbird."

@Sundry

Husband gets his 3rd speeding ticket of the year. 6yo from backseat: "Dad, isn't there a thing in your car that says how fast you're going?"

@smacksy

My son just gave me $5. Would not take no for an answer. Pressed it into my palm, "Buy something for yourself." Six-yr-old-elderly-man.

@AnissaMayhew

I'm pretty sure if we'd sent a bunch of preteen girls to Iraq with the promise of lip gloss when they return, the war would be over.

@debontherocks

When I'm on the phone my dog rolls a ball behind my desk and then cries. I should play Arms of an Angel for full effect. #silentreverie

@TemerityJane

Penny says "dada," "dog," and "wiggle wiggle wiggle." Dada, fine. Dog, okay, I get it. But wiggle wiggle wiggle? LMFAO before mama? COME ON.

@annsrants

Five's teacher is pregnant again. "She has a baby in her tummy. It's a new one."

@alotofnothing

"Why are all the waitresses girls?" -Anna, age 7, eating wings at Hooters

@Sundry

Gotta be honest, after that setup I want to see you morph into Optimus Prime, kid, not hop over a crack in the sidewalk.

@WendiAarons

Driving through the New Mexico Missile Testing range. But the kids don't seem happy in the red & white bullseye shirts I just put them in.

@TemerityJane

The problem with the slow cooker is that it makes things smell delicious well before they stop being poisonous.

@Veronicatheblog

Sometimes my husband says something & then I have this vision of myself in an orange jumpsuit sitting down to a dateline interview.

@Sundry

Guessing the reality is: 2 miles shlepping a pack thru the woods: no problem! Safeway, front door to paper towels aisle: BATAAN DEATH MARCH.

@MariaMelee

I go outside so much more now that I have a dog.

@allisonzapata

My kid just asked me to sew something. Everyone's a fucking comedian.

@alotofnothing

"I bet people will vote for Obama so we can have Mrs. Obama again." Anna, age 8

@Sundry

Husband just sat in a chair leisurely chatting on the phone while I unloaded/put away a week's worth of groceries. Anyway BRB going to jail.

@WendiAarons

The kid told me he knows I'm the Tooth Fairy because he secretly put a tooth under his pillow & didn't get any money. Holy Sting Operation.

@L8enough

Someone snuck into my house and stole all the scissors. Probably.

@BreneBrown

12 year old on fitting-in vs. belonging: "If I get to be me, I belong. If I have to be like you, it's fitting in." #Wise

@WendiAarons

Add to my list of wishes for my children: "May they never be involved in a public lewdness sting operation."

@MariaMelee

Chipmunk is helping me put laundry away. "Look, I'm Batman's waiter!"

@BindsTheTuna

My husband is watching some movie involving Tommy Lee Jones and Texas cheerleaders if you're wondering why I'm over here filing for divorce

@nprmonkeysee

The percentage of camcorder commercials that rely on taping ballet recitals suggests that if you don't go to recitals, you don't need one.

@MarinkaNYC

All children are blessings but I'd hate to be David Blaine's mother.

@dashoff

I don't care if you're pretending it's a beak, we don't walk around with huge books in our teeth.

@Sundry

The kids are taking turns leaping off the back of the pickup, shouting "I'm Felix Bom-gard!"

@alotofnothing

If you need someone to "like" your status update to spread world peace, send prayers to the troops, etc., my mother-in-law will help.

@WendiAarons

My kids signed their first and last names on my birthday card. It's like they know I have a bunch of other secret families.

@TwoAdults

Ezra informed this morning that his field trip is "really more of a ninja training." Um, okay.

‏@L8enough

My 3 yo pointed to the Dalai Lama and said, 'I don't like the looks of him.' I'm raising an oppressive regime.

2012 in 140 characters or less

2012-12-10T08:18:00.000-06:00

I have compiled my year-end review of 2012 Twitter faves. And let me just say: I follow some really funny and clever people on Twitter. And those of you who aren't funny and clever at least have enough sense to re-tweet funny and clever people.

We'll start our recap posts with celebs and awards shows. Twitter posts will be listed (mostly) in chronological order.

@abalderrama

Look at Angelina Jolie--you can tell she wants to adopt this French composer. #goldenglobes

@mindykaling

What a compelling song-writing journey, Madonna!

@ebertchicago

Okay, I do this for a living, and I just had to look up "W.E." on IMDb.

@WendiAarons

With Heather Locklear & Demi Moore both being rushed to the hospital lately, I have to ask: Is Phoebe Cates okay?

@Babybloomr

Marc Anthony looks like a dapper Hispanic Jiminy Cricket. #Grammys

@ssspoonah

I can't tell if #thebeachboys are wearing ear pieces or hearing aids. #Grammys

@lauriewrites

Every time I hear "The Band Perry" I'm compelled to shout "THE FAMILY VON TRAPP."

@KenJennings

Hey Sting: I bet the Russians loved their children MORE than we did, because their kids were never like "It's a free country!" in sass-voice

@kalisah

Martha Stewart's dog won the Westminster Dog Show? Is there anything that woman DOESN'T do??

@dmac24

Appeal to men.

@TemerityJane

Last night, Phil flipping through the channels past a commercial: "STOP STOP GO BACK TIM RIGGINS TIM RIGGINS I SAW TIM RIGGINS."

@WendiAarons

Dumbest question on the Red Carpet: "What's your secret?" Like Penelope Cruz is going to let Iowans know she drinks unicorn plasma?

@celebrityhottub

OSCAR FACT: You are ineligible for the award for Film Editing if you leave Channing Tatum in your movie.

@Sundry

Such a bummer to see Drive mentioned for something other than Bitchinest Movie Also Featuring Best Jacket.

@MamaChockley

Meryl is 3-17? Can she at least pull down boards? How are her assists?

@Lawcomic

Jack White is a Tim Burton character.

@wilw

"Hospitalized for exhaustion" is the new "asking for a friend". WE KNOW YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT, PR FLACKS. STOP INSULTING OUR INTELLIGENCE.

@SER1897

Andy Warhol said in the future everyone will be married to Kim Kardashian for 15 minutes.

@allisonzapata

Because I always masturbate in public when I'm exhausted. #Kony2012

@thejessknox

I got a news alert that @Lin_Manuel is out for the rest of the season due to a knee injury. Does that mean he comes back after the Tonys?

@jdickerson

Stanley Tucci in Hunger Games is so fantastic I would like him to host Oscars in character.

@Mom101

Fiat totally lost me with the Charlie Sheen ad. Way to make a violent, woman-abusing drug addict your spokesperson.

@thatkristen

It's amazing such a gigantic asshole can fit in such a tiny car.

@Lawcomic

I'm willing to say Ashton Kutcher is a racist without even seeing the ads in question. Mainly because I am tired of Ashton Kutcher.

@GaryJanetti

So pissed off. Just got to the theater and found out Ricky Martin doesn't play Evita.

@GoodInkInc

Just discovered Jon Stewart was supposed to play Goldie Hawn's lover in The First Wives Club. Scenes cut. IN WHAT WORLD WOULD YOU CUT THAT?

@tomandlorenzo

Nina is in Lanvin. Heidi is wearing a sequined sheet #ProjectRunway #MBFW #NYFW

@MitchEnglish

Oh. I get it. Zooey Deschanel is quirky.

@salihughes

My strong feeling is that Coco Chanel would have considered Brad Pitt nowhere near man enough for the No 5 campaign.

‏@danielmaier

Gary Glitter arrested on suspicion of sex offences. It's always the ones you least suspect, isn't it?

‏@Lin_Manuel

Guys, I really hope the five people I meet in Heaven are N'Sync. -@JustinMcElroy #MBMBaM

@ericdintino

4.5 years in and still an amazing show #castle. Is there any scene or line that still sticks out to you as your favorite?

‏@MollyQuinn93

during set up @NathanFillion was in my light and I said "ur in my light" He replied, "I am ur light" :) funny&true

@Mike_FTW

I wonder if Ryan Gosling’s dog knows he’s Ryan Gosling’s dog.

2012 In Review

2012-12-06T08:15:00.000-06:00

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
Attended an SEC football game.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I still have not decided where I stand on "New Year's Resolutions" exactly.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, but some of the kids E graduated with from high school did, which is disturbing on so many levels.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
We lost Pa, Chip's dad. And it has been immeasurably painful for all of us. And we lost Dyllan, Elijah's childhood friend, which still doesn't feel real to me.

5. What countries did you visit?
Oh believe me -- Washington Parish, Louisiana, is foreign enough, thanks.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
A paid vacation. A 401K. Gluten-free cupcakes.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 16. When we returned home from burying Dad in St. Louis, and Elijah went back to his apartment at school, and it became quite apparent that life was about to dramatically change for Chip and me.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Landing this awesome job with this really awesome company.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Getting laid off from the old one. Although you know what? Fuck that. I ended up with the better end of that deal for sure.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I found out I should've stopped eating wheat gluten 19 years go.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Cup-for-Cup flour mix that allows me to still make cookies.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Malala, the 15-year-old who was shot in the head by the Taliban because she advocated for the education of girls (who are banned from going to school where she lives).

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Where to start? The Republican rape guys? Lance Armstrong? Candidates who think telling boldface lies is a legitimate political strategy?

14. Where did most of your money go?
Large cranberry iced teas at Sonic. (Half-priced every day between 2-4!)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Moving to southeast Louisiana, where Saints games are televised every single week.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
"Amazing Grace." I sang it at Dyllan's funeral.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) Happier
b) about the same
c) no idea

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Creating

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Attending funerals

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
In Memphis with my boy

21. What was your favorite TV program?
Castle. And Big Bang Theory reruns.

22. What was the best book you read?
Gone Girl

23. What was your favorite music from this year?
Churchill "Change"
Bad Books "Forest Whitaker"
Reznor & O's "Immigrant Song"
Ball Park Music "It's Nice to be Alive"
Coldplay "Paradise"
Two Door Cinema Club "Sleep Alone"
ZZ Ward "Put the Gun Down"
Royal Teeth "Wild" (They're from NOLA)

There are other songs I liked earlier in the year, but they turned out to be this year's Pumped Up Kicks, so now I don't want to list them.

26. What did you want and get?
Two things: A Kitchen Aid stand-up mixer and an Epiphanie camera bag. SCORE!

27. What did you want and not get?
An eye lift.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Beasts of the Southern Wild. This movie BLEW ME AWAY. "Nobody likes a pity-party-havin'-ass woman." It was sad and powerful and beautiful and at its heart is about finding your strength.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 46 and I was working a news conference in Monroe, La., for my company. In the rain. And then I got home in time to watch the Saints on Monday Night Football, so it wasn't a total wash. And I got that stand-up mixer.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
My year was pretty damn satisfying -- the second half of it at least. I suppose any year is made immeasurably better by a relaxing beach vacation, though, right?

31. How would you describe your personal style concept in 2012?
Bad-ass professional woman. (2013 will be the year of short hair. It's the anti-cocker spaniel hair.)

32. What kept you sane?
Street festivals

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Cathy Cambridge.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The War on Women.

35. Who did you miss?
Greg House. After my friends and family in Memphis, I mean.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
I'm a little sad to admit that I haven't really made any friends in my new hometown yet. Meeting Jason at the LSU-Ole Miss game was fun.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.
Dare Greatly.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"There's still some living left when your prime comes and goes." (Jimmy Eat World, Big Casino)

Catalog:
2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007

Geaux Tigers...L S U!!

2012-11-18T13:55:00.002-06:00

I went to my first SEC football game.

Okay, it was my first college football game that wasn't the Memphis Tigers. So it was fitting that it should be in one of those super-stadiums.

Oh hai, Ole Miss...Welcome to Death Valley!

So here's a bit of background: Memphis is a basketball town. It's never been about football. We were a C-USA team smack in the middle of SEC country. We had season tickets to Tiger games, but it's not very rewarding being a Tiger football fan. So I've never really had any college football allegiances.

HOWEVER. I do have two college football teams that I truly despise: UT Vols and Ole Miss. Now might be a good time to point out (once again) that the Tigers beat UT when Payton was QB and we beat Ole Miss when Eli was there. We've had our moments.

Since moving down here to SEC country, where people love their Saints but OMG LSU football is a freaking religion, I've tried to get into college football. But honestly, I didn't really think purple was my color.

Then someone offered me two lower-level seats to the LSU-Ole Miss game. And we are all about trying out the local flavor. So far, we've done the Washington Parish Fair, the Lady of the Lake festival, and the Covington Arts Festival. And we're regulars at the Saturday morning Covington Farmers Market. So heck yeah! We want to see an LSU game. If nothing else, we could go root against the Rebels (tagline: "We don't even know we're rednecks.")

And if that weren't reason enough to go to the game, my friend from high school, who grew up in southeast Louisiana but lives up north now (she's being held there against her will), was coming to town to go to the game with her brothers. Tailgating!

So we decided to get us some LSU shirts and play along.

I had a feeling once we hit the campus that I was going to be converted on this day.

All this is RIGHT ON CAMPUS. Said the SEC virgin.

You guys. People tailgate out there with big screen TVs. They don't even have tickets to the game. They sit in the parking lot and watch it on their big screen.

We met up with Debbie and Jason.

We took photos with Mike. (The tiger.)

We had great seats for the game.

Can I just point out for a second why it might be hard to be a quarterback?

Wanna play football, boys? Study your math.

We learned all the cheers.

Geaux Tigers...L S U!!!

The game was a nail biter.

Ole Miss put up a better fight than I expected.

But in the last second...

TIGERS WIN!!

I decided I look pretty good in purple afterall.