The Onion

High School Team Denies Winning For Dead Teammate

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 19:00:00 -0500

MONONGAHELA, FL—The Monongahela West Tarpon, a boy's prep baseball team that has surged to a two-game lead in the Frostproof conference with a...

Shiesty Browns Management Signs D'Qwell Jackson To 42 Million Bollar Extension

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 18:25:00 -0500

Shiesty Browns Management Signs D'Qwell Jackson To 42 Million Bollar Extension

JERSEY CITY, NJ—A family game of Clue this week confirmed area father Doug Neubaur’s belief that his three children would never suspect a thing if he were to murder their mother.

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 17:15:00 -0500

JERSEY CITY, NJ—A family game of Clue this week confirmed area father Doug Neubaur’s belief that his three children would never suspect a thing if he were to murder their mother.

American Voices: Crystal's Return To Oscars

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 16:15:00 -0500

Billy Crystal’s return to hosting duties at the Academy Awards on Sunday night received mixed reviews.

K-Y Introduces New Line Of Jam

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 15:45:00 -0500

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Johnson & Johnson, manufacturer of the nation's most popular personal lubricant, K-Y Jelly, held a press conference Monday...

Cute Couple On Same Antidepressant

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 13:00:00 -0500

Cute Couple On Same Antidepressant

Slideshow: The Week In Pictures

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 12:30:00 -0500

The Week In Pictures

Yard Sale Reeks Of Divorce

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 11:30:00 -0500

Yard Sale Reeks Of Divorce

TV Listings: Carla Starla

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 10:55:00 -0500

DISNEY 11 a.m. EDT/10 a.m. CDT If Carla tells her boyfriend, Bill, that she's actually an alien in this episode written by an adult man who went to college for dramatic writing, will he still think she's out of this world?

Cost Of Living Now Outweighs Benefits

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 10:15:00 -0500

WASHINGTON, DC—A report released Monday by the Federal Consumer Quality-Of-Life Control Board indicates that the cost of living now outstrips life's benefits for many Americans.

[audio] Many Animals Harmed In Catering For New Film

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 09:30:00 -0500

Many Animals Harmed In Catering For New Film

SCIO, OR—A white dog on the corner of Hampton Avenue and Greene Street needs a bath.

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 19:00:00 -0500

SCIO, OR—A white dog on the corner of Hampton Avenue and Greene Street needs a bath.

Strongside/Weakside: Tony Stewart

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 18:00:00 -0500

Tony Stewart is a complex mix of aggression and talent in remarkably unequal measure.

Unsung Heroes: Bob Peterson

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 16:00:00 -0500

Bob Peterson, 47, walked up to his wife and gave her a big fat kiss in front of everyone.

GLAAD To Honor Any Mainstream Film That Gets One Thing Right About Being Gay

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 15:00:00 -0500

LOS ANGELES—Seeking to honor filmmakers for fair and inclusive portrayals of the LGBT community, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation announced Sunday the establishment of a prestigious new prize to be awarded to any mainstream motion pic...

Brandeis Frat Boys Always Quoting ‘A Serious Man’

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 13:15:00 -0500

Brandeis Frat Boys Always Quoting ‘A Serious Man’

5-Year-Old Wants To Be Overworked Haitian Nanny When He Grows Up

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 12:30:00 -0500

5-Year-Old Wants To Be Overworked Haitian Nanny When He Grows Up

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Arrive On Oscar Red Carpet 12 Hours Early

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 10:15:00 -0500

LOS ANGELES—Stepping out of a chauffeured limousine just as dawn broke above Hollywood's Kodak Theatre Sunday morning, Brad Pitt and longtime partner Angelina Jolie arrived at the 84th Annual Academy Awards, taking their place on the red carpet a fu...

Semester At Sea Students Steal Anchor For Dorm Room

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 17:45:00 -0500

Semester At Sea Students Steal Anchor For Dorm Room

Magazine Article Describes Rap Song As 'Blistering Display Of Braggadocio'

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 16:15:00 -0500

Magazine Article Describes Rap Song As 'Blistering Display Of Braggadocio'

Blake Griffin Makes Amazing Dunk Where He Lets Go Of Ball 20 Feet Away From Hoop

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 14:45:00 -0500

MIAMI—Visiting Clippers forward Blake Griffin stunned spectators and opponents alike Sunday with a death-defying dunk executed by releasing the ball a full 20 feet from the basket.

Letters To The Editor: Nipple Stars

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 13:15:00 -0500

Dear The Onion, Please remove the stars covering the nipples of the models on the last few pages. Kurt Blankenship, Flint, MI

Microbrewer Trying To Work Dog Into Name Of New Seasonal Beer

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 12:15:00 -0500

SENECA, OR—Owner and founder of Fossil Bed Brewery Dave Walker, 39, reportedly struggled Saturday to find a way to work his 5-year-old Labrador retriever mix into the name of a new spiced winter ale.

Gary Bettman: 'I Have Never Watched An Entire NHL Game'

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 11:15:00 -0500

Gary Bettman: 'I Have Never Watched An Entire NHL Game'

Exhausted Sweatshop Worker Just Has To Laugh After Sewing Fingers Together

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 10:30:00 -0500

PHNOM PENH, CAMBODIA—After working her third straight 17-hour shift, garment worker Nghiem Phuong said Monday she "couldn't help but laugh" after sewing her index and ring fingers together. "Well, I guess it's just one of th...