The Onion

Study: Crying Not Linked To What You Said But The Way You Said It

The Onion Staff — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 13:00:00 +0000

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Scientists may be one step closer to answering the question of whether you are ineloquent or just an asshole after participants in a study of your communication skills confirmed Friday that their crying was not linked to what you said, but to the way you said it. “The words themselves aren’t mean, but your harsh tone makes us feel like you think we’re stupid,” said visibly distressed sources, adding that they would never even consider talking to you like that. “There is so much judgment in your voice when you say stuff like, ‘Oh, you actually went to the gym today,’ or when you ask if we’re gonna change clothes before going out. And sometimes you add a little laugh like it’s a joke but it’s not a joke. It’s embarrassing to cry over trivial bullshit, but can you please just, like, try to be kinder?” Following the study’s conclusion, participants announced their intention to examine whether you talk to your boss like this or just the people you claim to love.

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EPA Approves Use Of Napalm As Pesticide

The Onion Staff — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 13:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Saying they saw no reason to limit any potential agricultural use of the flammable combination of gelling agents and gasoline, officials at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency approved napalm as a pesticide Friday. “Following a thorough review, the EPA has found that napalm, with its ability to burn at temperatures exceeding 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit, is highly effective for both weed management and pest control,” said Administrator Lee Zeldin, who sought to assure the public that the highly incendiary liquid, which removes unwanted insects, fungus, rodents, raccoons, and deer with the press of a flamethrower trigger, posed no threat to human health whatsoever. “The evidence shows commercial farms lose far fewer crops to pests once all wildlife in the area has been thoroughly fire-bombed. We also urge napalm’s widespread adoption in small backyard gardens, where slugs and snails can be easily engulfed in a ball of flame.” The move follows a statement from the EPA last month encouraging farmers to control rabbit populations by lining the perimeter of their fields with land mines.

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Olive Garden Unveils New ‘We Invented Spaghetti’ Slogan

The Onion Staff — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 13:00:00 +0000

ORLANDO, FL—In an effort to attract first-time clientele and bring back old fans, Italian American restaurant chain Olive Garden unveiled its new “We Invented Spaghetti” slogan Friday during a call with investors. “We want Americans to know that when you’re at Olive Garden, you’re not just getting a delicious meal at an unbeatable price, you’re also stepping foot into a little bit of history and seeing where the most popular pasta type in the world originated,” company president John Wilkerson said of the slogan, which will reportedly be rolled out alongside a $35 million television ad campaign that features smiling patrons digging into steaming plates of the long cylindrical pasta while a voiceover intones: “Spaghetti—Olive Garden came up with it. You just get to enjoy it.” “The story goes that late one night, many years ago, our co-founder Mark Given needed something to soak up all the tomato sauce and meatballs his cooks were making. He figured a long, thin pasta type would be just the thing. So, yeah, that’s how spaghetti was born. Many have also asked why our Bolognese is so authentic, and the truth is we thought that up ourselves, too, way back in 1983. The secret to the delicious sauce is a generous amount of corn syrup.” In tandem with the new slogan, Olive Garden announced its intention to initiate a lawsuit against Barilla, De Cecco, and San Giorgio for unauthorized infringement of its intellectual property.

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Depressed Shams Charania Breaks Scoop That He Has No One

The Onion Staff — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 13:00:00 +0000

CHICAGO—Having confirmed the shocking development with numerous top-level sources, a depressed Shams Charania broke the news Thursday that he has absolutely no one. “Per multiple industry insiders, I can confirm that I’ve driven away everyone who ever cared about me in this world, and now I’m all alone with my miserable self,” the dejected, unshaven NBA reporter and insider wrote in a post on X published at 1:17 a.m., adding that while rumors at the beginning of the season had briefly linked him to several casual friendships, those talks ultimately collapsed and left him to languish on the open market despite his having signaled openness to terms on virtually any acquaintanceship structure, even a low-risk, one-year commitment with a mutual opt-out. “You give everything you have to this business, and for what? It all turns to shit in the end, just pure shit. And now I’m hearing rumblings that, well, I’m a complete piece of shit myself. According to sources, my colleagues hate me, everyone I know hates me, and I fucking hate myself. More as the situation develops.” At press time, Charania was said to be further demoralized upon learning that his big scoop had been extensively reported on by Chris Haynes three days prior.

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Your Mother

The Onion Staff — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 13:00:00 +0000

Your mother, 67, is fine, but this is just a reminder that she could go at any moment. Give her a call.

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Steven Spielberg Claims IMAX Best Way To Experience Josh O’Connor’s Soulful Yet Vulnerable Eyes

The Onion Staff — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 13:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK—Urging audiences to see his new film on the biggest screen possible, Disclosure Day director Steven Spielberg claimed in an interview Friday that IMAX provided the best way to experience Josh O’Connor’s soulful yet vulnerable eyes. “In order for you to feel swept away in those deep emerald pools the way I intended, you really have to see it in IMAX,” said Spielberg, revealing that he had shot the film with high-resolution IMAX cameras specifically to capture every detail of O’Connor’s simmering gaze. “As an artist, I can’t control how people view my art, but I really designed this film to be an immersive experience where the audience can just let go and be transported by Josh O’Connor’s warm, pensive glances. On a standard screen, you’re missing at least 50% of the subtle shifts between blue and green his breathtaking irises take on.” Spielberg added that the IMAX format was also the only one large enough to fit Josh O’Connor’s ears.

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Pros And Cons Of Sleepaway Camp

The Onion Staff — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 13:00:00 +0000

More than 26 million U.S. children attend summer camp every year. The Onion examines the pros and cons of sending your kids to overnight camp.

PRO

Opportunity to make friends from different gated communities

Forces bed-wetters to get their shit together

Grants parents much-needed private arguing time

Bee sting EpiPen was going to expire in September anyway

Without devices, your child can focus on developing face-to-face bullying

CON

Parents have no one to take to Minions & Monsters

Kid was already starting enough fires as it is

Could just give your child $2,000 to go outside

Creates unrealistic expectations for role canoes will play in life

Might realize that you actually did make a mistake by having kids

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Embarrassed Woman Scrambles To Stop Emotionally Resonating With Movie Before Lights Come On

The Onion Staff — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 13:00:00 +0000

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Study Finds iPhone Lowered Birth Rate

The Onion Staff — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 13:00:00 +0000

A new paper published by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that the release of the Apple iPhone in 2007 contributed to a decline in the birth rate, especially among teens and young adults. What do you think?

“I just use Android and get abortions.”
Alana Fowler, Roof Technician

“My phone doesn’t shit itself 10 times a day.”
David Featherstone, Stable Sweeper

“It’s the 21st Century, man. Fucking’s what my grandparents did.”
Jeremy Wasyl, Cellophane Exporter

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Poll: Fewer Americans Say Democracy Central To U.S. Identity

The Onion Staff — Thu, 11 Jun 2026 19:40:47 +0000

A recent poll found that only 66% of Americans claim that a democratically elected government is important to the United States’ national identity, with those aged 18-29 reporting the lowest belief in U.S. democracy’s centrality at only 51%. What do you think?

“Let’s just try totalitarianism and vote it out if we don’t like it.”
Randy Clow, Fruit Bagger

“If you truly love a form of government, let it go.”
Andrei Karpinsky, Photo Cropper

“America’s more about ‘living mas’ these days.”
Rosemary Caralle, Staircase Installer

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Nancy Mace Introduces Bill To Separate Gubernatorial Races By Gender

The Onion Staff — Thu, 11 Jun 2026 16:55:00 +0000

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Trump Boys Bulk Up For UFC Fight By Chugging Sour Cream

The Onion Staff — Thu, 11 Jun 2026 16:20:16 +0000

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