As a family we find ourselves constantly drifting and resetting, drifting and resetting.  For example, as parents we do really well and then we get lax on certain family principles or rules because the kids are doing well.  Eventually, however, we find that our “laxness” is taken advantage of and things start getting out of control.  But it happens gradually and we don’t notice it.

Until one defining day.  That day slaps us in the face and says, “Wake up, parent person!”  It is at this point we finally realize how far off the path we have strayed.  Then, we have to do a reset with our kids.  We have to pull out the “I’m the parent” speech and lay the law down again.

Honestly, I am not sure if we are yanking our kids around like a yo-yo or this is just part of learning for them (and for us as parents).  It seems like we could be a bit more stable, but with teenagers, is anything stable?  ;-)

So every now and then we have to do a reset.  We don’t give out as many benefits of a doubt.  No slack is given.  They have to earn it back.  It may seem harsh, but it is all done in love.  We need to reset our expectations and remember why we are a family.  This is a “get back to basics” session – we all need to be reminded from time to time.

But as parents the eventual chaos can see overwhelming until we realize that reset time has come.  Then after we do this, our whole family can breath a bit better.  The pressure that has been building up is deflated and we can start over again.  The volume in our home goes down, as does the stress.  The world seems right again.

Now, we just have to figure out a way to recognize this condition a bit more quickly and maybe we can stabilize a bit.  We are still working on that.

Nancy F., Amarillo, TX

Just a quick little parenting, discipline trick we use…

If our kids have bad attitudes we make them work.  They almost always come back happy.  It’s a beautiful thing.  Throw the grumpy teen in one end of the work machine and they come out the other end a happy person.

The work is not just the dishes or sweeping the floor type work.  It is outside or in the garage.  It is getting dirty, sweaty and having to labor.  And it is for a decent amount of time (at least 1/2 hour).  When they come back in to have me check their work, they have forgotten why they were grumpy in the first place.  Sure, when I assign them the work they may crab and complain, but it is quickly forgotten as they “put the shoulder to the wheel.”

This works really well with our teens and pre-teens.  When they are smaller they don’t quite get how to work that hard – they don’t have the capacity many times.  But with them there are other tactics that work well.

We keep a list – either on paper or in our heads – of what can be done outside.  And, when Mr. Cranky comes out, we make sure they leave the house.  And, to tell you the truth, there are other reasons.  If the oldest one is crabby he or she will affect the whole rest of the home.  So, when they go outside, I can work on resetting a good atmosphere inside.  That way, when (if) they return, everything is back to normal and we have created an environment where it is easy for them to be happy.

Also one little secret: if I get cranky I punish myself as well.  Time for me to get out and work!

- Michelle K., Lakeland, FL

I don’t feel like I have a lot to give in the way of parenting, but I thought I would share this one.  I noticed that many parents don’t do this, but it has worked out REALLY well for me.

We don’t baby proof.  We never have.  Only one vase has broken and only one tumble down the stairs has occurred – and both were my fault.  We don’t put the ornaments 3 feet up on the Christmas Tree.  We don’t use the stair gate.  We don’t put those funky plastic door handle covers on the doors.  We don’t put the child locks on the cupboards or drawers.  We don’t cover up our electrical outlets.  We leave everything the way it is when our children start crawling, then walking.

What we do instead, is have a sharp eye and teach.  Of course that I have to constantly be on the lookout during the teaching time.  Each time the baby goes for the stairs, we teach him/her “no.”  Or we teach them how to crawl down the stairs.  We allow them to get close to the cupboard under the sink and then teach them “no.”  Lovingly and gently of course, but also firmly (yes, gently and firmly can happen at the same time).

Make no mistake: it is EXHAUSTING – but it doesn’t last long.  Once they learn they know what to do and what not to do and they, from that point on, are great about not getting into the dog food, or pulling over a free standing book shelf on top of themselves.  And when we go to a friend’s home, they know what to do and what not to do.  Sometimes my friends freak out and want to put everything away or lock everything, but I tell them not to worry about it and it works out just fine.

Now, honestly, I don’t have any children that have been hugely difficult when they were younger.  I would say they are typical, very active children.  So this may not be a solution for everyone, but it sure worked for us.

-Pam C., Fort Wayne(ish), Indiana

I used to be really critical.  In fact, looking back I was probably the most critical person I knew – but I didn’t know it.  Neither my children or husband could make a step without me pointing out a flaw.  And here I had the biggest flaw of them all.  Critical thinking is a positive skill to have.  My flaws didn’t resemble any like this.

Our home was a toxic place.  Yelling was a common occurance.  I made it difficult to feel happy in our home.  As our kids grew up I became more and more critical (especially as they entered the teenage years).  It was about this time that my good husband had the wisdom to help me curb this horrible attitude I had.  Some friends had listened to some marriage CDs and on there it challenged them to go 24 hours without being critical.  They are wonderful people and had a difficult time.  I thought that I could do it.  I was wrong.  Day after day after day I couldn’t go very long – minutes sometimes – without having to start over.

After a couple weeks of this the realization came of how bad I had become.  My husband told me that being critical was not in my job description any more.  It was better for me to be silent.  Instead, he would do it.  And that included the discipline.

So I shut up.  It was the most difficult thing I have ever done.  Any time I found myself being critical I stopped, turned around and walked away.  The most amazing thing happened.  My children became more happy, my relationship with my husband improved and I realized I could let things go that I have never been able to before.  It was freedom.

I’m now to a better place of balance.  I can discipline without being overly critical.  I’m not perfect, but so much better than I ever have been.  So much more happy.

-Anonymous

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Things to think about:

1. Can you go 24 hours without criticizing?
2. On a scale from 1:10, how toxic are you in what you say and how you say it?
3. What have you found to help you not be so negative?
4. How do you approach someone else who needs help?

This is one of my failures: Sarcasm. What makes us think that by saying…

“I’m so glad you yelled at me – it really makes me want to do what you ask”

that it will stop our children from doing that which we become sarcastic about.

It won’t.  Period.  So why do we do it?  I think it is because it is easier than the alternative: Stopping.  Thinking about what is really going on.  Sitting down with our child and explaining how their actions made you feel and what they can do better next time for a more appropriate and positive response.  That takes a lot of time!

Often I forget that I am teaching – ALWAYS.  When I am kind, when I am less than kind, by the words I say, by the words I don’t say.  Every moment is a teaching moment.  And sarcasm never helps the situation.

- Ally K.,  Anchorage, AK, USA

I once heard a story told by General Colin Powell that I will never forget.   He went to Russia during the post-cold war and met with Mikhail Gorbachev.  General Powell was very sceptical and didn’t trust Mr. Gorbachev.  During the meetings, it was obvious.

In the middle, Mr. Gorbachev stopped the conversation and said to him (paraphrasing), “General Powell, you are going to have to find a new enemy.”

Wow!  Too many times I feel like I am fighting against my children.  What would it be like if I just turned to them and said, “Son/Daughter, you are going to have to find a new enemy.”  How would that change their outlook?  How would that change mine?

I have tried this and it caught them off guard.  They didn’t know what to say, but their whole attitude changed.  Suddenly we both realized we should be working together, rather than thinking we are going separate directions.  Because, in the end, we are definately trying to go in the same direction.  I want them to grow up to be good, wholesome kids and (deep down inside) they do, too.

-Beth N., Vancouver, BC, Canada

By fdecomite on Flickr

He bought legos.  He was given a Walmart card for his birthday, and the 12-year old bought legos.  I was somewhat surprised by this because others at this age are usually past the stackable blocks.  But, it was his card and he could do what he wanted with it.

A couple weeks later he announced that Legos are now old and he doesn’t want any more (the younger kids were excited about that!).

We saw it coming and knew that the Legos decision would not be the best, but he had to make the choice.  We could council him, encourage him, but he has the ultimate say on that decision in the end.

It is PAINFUL to let my children make their own decisions – especially when I feel they are going to do harm to them. And Legos are the smaller things.  Pretty soon one of our children will earn a bunch of money and spend it on something my husband won’t agree with.  Not that it will be a bad thing, but not wise, either.  Then one of them will date someone we don’t agree with.  They will go places we know will have a atmosphere which will tear them down instead of build them up.

“Where is the line?”  Oh, the infamous question we parents ask.  When do we lay the law down and say NO WAY!  And when do we back off and let them fall?  It is often helpful for me, when I want to put a stop to an action, to conscientiously step back and do an evaluation from a non-parental point of view.  Will it harm them? If yes, how much?  Can they learn from the experience?  How will it affect others – especially others in the family? What are the repercussions?  Are they mature enough to learn the lesson at the end?  Is it possible I have misinterpreted the situation and that I am wrong?

In the end, maybe it is best to allow them to make the mistake.  Even if it does inconveniences us or cost us a little money.

What is your line?

Carina W., Florence, AL, USA

As part of the Safe Baby Handling Tips, comes this great infographic of advice:

Yet we do this all the time!

• “No, you will be happy.”
• “You will stop fighting.”
• “Don’t argue with me!”
• “You will eat your food and like it.”

Maybe this is funny because it is so familiar

-Junie R., Randolph, MA, USA

“What ere thou art, act well thy part.”

We play basketball together.  And guitar. We go swimming and work in the yard.  We discipline and tuck them in bed.  We give them hugs and kisses when they are hurt, and then let the doctors to give them shots.  And they cry.  We comfort them when their heart has been broken and put them in situations that will test their character.  We defend them to others who misunderstand them them blame them for not living up to their potential.

To them, we can be a contradiction in the highest form.  But there is a method to our madness.  We can be their friend, judge, confidant, punisher, coach, tutor, and their biggest fan.  Yet our goal is the same: When they leave our house they are ready to take on the world and raise a wonderful family of their own.

Our roles and strategy constantly change, but our goals stay the same.  In each circumstance we need to ask ourselves, “What is my role?”

And then, whatever it is, “What e’re thou are, act well thy part.”

- Julie G., Norfolk, VA, USA

The world revolves around our teen’s likes and interests.  And besides that, there isn’t much more that matters to them.  They want to be taken to a friend’s home, to watch TV or be on the computer.  Or sleep in late and then do their chores only half way (if at all).

Not all teens are this way, but all of them go through periods of this – it is part of them learning to negotiate the world.

So when they are in this stage, how do we help them out of that slump?  We did family history.

Too often we forget that those who passed before us were real people, too.  They had real feelings, came across hard times and were involved in some very interesting parts of history.  These stories can make any of us take stock of our own lives and realize that – in all honesty – we have it pretty good!

When our teens read of others’ struggles and real life, they would awake out of the sense that they are the center of the universe.  Not that they will stay that way, but that is a starting point.

But, with everything else, that takes some prep work.  We had to find those stories.  If you don’t have books of them already, ask around – someone in your family will have some written stories. If not written, tell verbal stories that you remember at the dinner table, while you have their attention!  These stories will stick in their heads.

It doesn’t matter your age, researching your ancestors can be addicting!  Create a pedigree chart – a visual family tree.  There are many resources on the internet that can get you started. There are programs (even free ones) that can help you get started and keep track of your ancients.

Do it with them.  There have been nights when my daughter and I have stayed up way too late so that we can find more ancestors.  This time together has been a blessing for both of us.

-Kelly O., Tigard, OR, USA