Blogodivas

We think they want to book us?

noreply@blogger.com (JasonBSchmidt) — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 15:17:00 +0000

Jasodiva - Here is the email transcript of a voicemail someone just left on our diva line: "I left it at this is being spent. The disco for farmers more you. So, don't worry about we get dot. Done. It's Friday. 12 12 12 babies. Thank you." I assume the "12 12 12 babies" means it's for you.

Darladiva - It also says "disco for farmer" though, so it could be for both of us...and it's probably urgent.

Jasodiva - TO THE DIVA CAVE!

DivaChat - "Darladiva loves Dieting"

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Wed, 26 May 2010 16:51:00 +0000

Darladiva: Why can't my apple act more like ice cream?

Jasodiva: What a dumbfuck that apple is.

Darladiva: Is an even slightly talented apple really so much to fuckin ask for around here?!

You're Welcome.

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Wed, 19 May 2010 20:43:00 +0000

DivaChat - "Diva is as Diva Does"

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Thu, 13 May 2010 18:15:00 +0000

Darladiva: What is penciled in on your busy agenda this evening?

Jasodiva: We're going to meet with some of *his* friends for drinks at a bar tonight.

Darladiva: You will be the bell of the ball!

Jasodiva: I know! Luckily, he warned me that it will be casual, so I will wear a cocktail gown, instead of a 3-piece Vera Wang.

Darladiva: Good, something short, just a few sequins. Maybe in a spring color...coral?

Jasodiva: Cornflower, I emailed you a pic of me trying it on in the store.

Darladiva: Your bewbs are hawtt.

Jasodiva: Therr feyke.

Darladiva: WHAT? Ugh...That really ruins it for me.

NEW VIDEO - The Parodivas LIVE @ BAWDY! in NYC!

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Mon, 10 May 2010 19:22:00 +0000

DivaChat - "Early to sleep, Early to Rise"

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Tue, 04 May 2010 15:35:00 +0000

Jasodiva: Drinking game tonight?

Darladiva: Tonight?

Jasodiva: Yes, it's only 10am and you're at work.

Darladiva: I am?

Jasodiva: Someone started without me.

DivaChat - BAWDY-licious TONIGHT!

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Sat, 01 May 2010 18:56:00 +0000

Darladiva: Can I put milkshake in my flask for tonight?

Jasodiva: WWLGD?

Darladiva: Put on sunglasses first?

Jasodiva: Um....

Darladiva: Make my own hair into a bow first? Cover myself in blood first? Wear a leotard first?

Jasodiva: Well...

Darladiva: I'll spike it with irony.

Tomorrow Night TEASER!

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 16:43:00 +0000

Get your tickets with the discount code divas10.

$10 off for our fans, because you're amazing.
May 1 - 9:30pm
The Triad
158 W 72nd, NYC

DivaChat - "Or Maybe Santa will Bring You One"

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 18:38:00 +0000

Darladiva: I need one of those things.

Jasodiva: You're going to have to be more specific.

Darladiva: You know, one of those things that we scratch and then get a ton of money?

Jasodiva: A winning lottery ticket?

Darladiva: YES! I need one of those!

Jasodiva: Sorry, fresh out, but you could probably buy one at the bodega next to the unicorn farm.

BIG BAWDY BIRTHDAY SHOW!

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 18:55:00 +0000

Yesh, Sirs and Madams, the rumors are true!
We 'divas are performing in BAWDY! on May 1st @ 9:30pm.

GET YOUR DETAILS AND TICKET INFO RIGHT HERE!

(sorry for shouting, we're both currently sober.)

This hot & spicy show sells out uber-fast so don't be one of those people who always misses out on everything good for silly reasons like being in the hospital or spending all your money on rent and bills instead, mkay?

Kisses!

DivaChat - "We CAN handle the truth"

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 16:19:00 +0000

"Well, the telling of jokes is an art of its own, and it always rises from some emotional threat. The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful." - Kurt Vonnegut

Darlodiva- So, I honestly overdose on thin mints and hit on my own husband when I'm drunk?

Jasodiva- Yep, and I honestly have a line of twinks outside my door.

Darlodiva- Back door?

Jasodiva- Too far.

DivaChat is Back.... Better than Ever! New & Improved! Free with Purchase!

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 18:21:00 +0000

Darladiva - Whoa.

Jasodiva - I know.

DivaChat 14 - "Fail"

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 20:55:00 +0000

Jasodiva: We have not blogged since July. We don't vacation. WHAT IS OUR EXCUSE? (did I really black out for THAT long this time??)

Darladiva: We went and got famous.

Jasodiva: Ah YES! We should really share those pics from VH1 Divas Live, that was a lucrative brush with fame that the world needs to see.

Darladiva: Note taken. Give me time, we have 4 press interviews and a video to film in the UK. Have our people call our people. xoxo, Darla Girl.

PICS COMING SOON!

DivaChat 12 and 13! - "Chats with the Word Slut in Them"

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 15:45:00 +0000

12- "Lie About Your Age"

Darladiva: So, I feel a little bad that I said my age was "14" when I...um...well.....you know, on the video of our set. Cause my parents watched it. And possibly my brother. So um....I think....IT WILL MAKE ME SEEM LIKE A SLUT.

Jasodiva: SO WILL SINGING A SONG ABOUT BLOWJOBS. Slut.

---

13- "You're Also a Bit of a Hoebag"

Darladiva: Do you really think the little avatar I created of myself looks like a slut?

Jasodiva: lol, no.

Darladiva: She does, actually. She's a hoebag.

DivaChat 11 - "There is no maybe, it is Maybelline."

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 14:48:00 +0000

Darladiva: It's 11am and I've been at work for a few hours. I think I really do need to go put on some makeup. brb

Jasodiva: okay

(10 min later)

Darladiva: whew. "Dear makeup, thank you for covering up my lack of sleep and general lackluster attitude.

Jasodiva: You are a reliable friend and I owe you.

Darladiva: I owe you big. Don't think I will forget this.

Jasodiva: Yours truly,

Darladiva: MY FACE."

Jasodiva: /scene.

DivaChat 10 - "Orbit"

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 02:35:00 +0000

Darladiva: I feel totes hideous today. Make-up and maybe a brush will help.

But, seriously? My hair is my thing and this humidity AIN'T RIGHT.

Jasodiva: Oh gawd...

Darladiva: Fugly.
What?

You don't wanna be seen with me?

You want me to go home and change before we go out tonight?

I should go get a $40 blowout?

Jasodiva: Meh.Veil.

Darladiva: I am wearing a snuggie.

Jasodiva: YOU WISH.

Darladiva: ...only thing that doesn't make me feel fat. It's gorgeous

...blue

...felt.

Your jealousy is palpable.

Jasodiva: I'm wearing Mercury
...the planet.

Darladiva: Comfy!

Glad you did not choose Mars.

Burny.

Jasodiva: I do look good in red.

Darladiva: True, now YOU should go home and change.

Gig tomorrow! Another reason to love Hump Day...

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 14:48:00 +0000

We had tons of fun at Comix and Gotham, next stop The Iguana!

Live at Comix in NYC!

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 02:00:00 +0000

DivaChat 9 - "Free lunch is a Perk"

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Sat, 30 May 2009 06:00:00 +0000

Jasodiva: There is a child in the office kitchen.

Darladiva: Eat it, clearly it's food.

Jasodiva: Not that hungry yet....was going to cut it into sensible portions and freeze for later.

Darladiva: What flavor is it?

Jasodiva: Fusion.

DivaChat 8 - "Call NOW!"

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Fri, 22 May 2009 02:12:00 +0000

Darladiva: What should I do with my bff this weekend? She comin to stay wit me in the NYC.

Jasodiva: TAKE HER TO A CLUB! nts nts nts nts!!!

(5 minutes pass)

Jasodiva: You left? You're at the club now? You've already spilled one vodka soda with a splash of cran and 2 limes on your jeans?

Darladiva: YES nnd It's AWESOE! I aM soosooo drunkd! U should totes comMe oOut!!!
Um, a club on a Sunday night? I don't even know where the clubs are anymore.

Jasodiva: Nor do I.

Darladiva: I also don't wanna spend $25 on a cover for bad house music.

Jasodiva: There is that one nightclub in Queens that we saw...

Darladiva: Meh...maybe. I think I've seen douchebags and their sluts outside of it. So, maybe not.

Jasodiva: Douchebags is funny.

Darladiva: Funny cause it's true. YOU KNOW. I know you've seen them in their white-rimmed plastic sunglasses, overly decorated not-quite Ed Hardy tattoo fitted t-shirts, super faded almost-white jeans, and white and gold pumas. All that.... and there's more! Call now to see the fake and bake tan, waxed eyebrows, too much Garnier gel to keep hair in the "caught in a wind tunnel" spiral, and maybe even a tribal tattoo on the bicep! It's all you've ever dreamed of and more for just the price of 2 drinks and all of your dignity!

Jasodiva: 1-800-NOTENOUGHDRUGSINTHEWORLD!

DivaChat 7 - "Gokey and the Bandit"

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Sun, 17 May 2009 00:33:00 +0000

Darladiva: r u home watching idol?

Jasodiva: yep. G’Lambert must advance.

Darladiva: Gokey is a NOkey.

Jasodiva: amen. um, btw, I saw a raccoon on the street walking home from the subway tonight. I laughed so hard I scared an old lady outside of the sexy brazilian corner store.

Darladiva: THE BANDIT OF ALL ANIMALS!! (the old lady). I love that you started laughing at it. You mock it's thievery.

Jasodiva: totes. Uh oh.

Darladiva: what??

Jasodiva: I just realized my stripper hook-up looks like a Twinkie Gokey.

Darladiva: SHIT. I OBJECT. PIC?

Jasodiva: no. damnit! he is funny lookin’. you know that’s my sole criterion in a...um, man?

Darladiva: we can’t blog about ugly stripper... can we?

Jasodiva: of course we can. but for the record, he’s really a go-go boy.

Darladiva: that's a go-go-mo.

Jasodiva: you're good.

DivaChat 6 - "Live Free or Diet"

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Sat, 09 May 2009 03:50:00 +0000

Darladiva: I weighed myself this morning. Then after stabbing my eyes out, I got low fat cottage cheese and an apple for breakfast. The NY bagels stared back at me with a pained recognition of betrayal in their eyes.

Jasodiva: They are just mad because they are empty inside. *pause for laughter*
I am STARVING because I had a giant burrito for dinner last night. It was love.

Darladiva: FROM THAT NEW PLACE CALLED GUACAMOLE?

Jasodiva: YESAMOLE!

Darladiva: I must get that menu and work it into my rotating take-out schedule.

Jasodiva: I have one for you already.

Darladiva: I have a china food one for you, literally, in my bag...since that is what I ordered last night.

Jasodiva: We are healthy.

Darladiva: We are?...so I shouldn't chase my salad with cake?

Jasodiva: I'm going to let you stab your eyes out again and see how that feels before I answer.

DivaChat 5 - "Customer Service"

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 01:17:00 +0000

Jasodiva: I'm waiting on a $50k check, scary. A whole salary is being messengered to my attention. Whoa.

Darladiva: What do you do when it gets there? TAKE IT AND RUN! We'll change your name to Tason D. Shmitt, and we'll become The Glarodivas, and debut our act in Puerto Rico (no swine flu, bacardi factory, and still America... sort of.)

(5 minutes pass)

Jasodiva: Sorry. Was on the phone with a customer. Another patron saint of the theatah.

Darladiva: It's ok, Tason. We love ticket-buyers. (i can't even type that with a straight face.)

Jasodiva: Don't tase me bro.
My name is Tason, son of Tase.
The phone call that just murdered my soul: "Hi, i'm calling to order the show tickets that I ordered via the mail."

Darladiva: NO. *HANGS UP*

Jasodiva: WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME??
..."Well I sent a check for tickets and wrote on the order form what seats I want, but wanted to call you."
"To order more?"
"No."

Darladiva: "To set up a lunch date?
"To tell me I'm pretty?
GO TO HELL.

Jasodiva: It continues: "I'm in my car now, so I don't know exactly what I ordered...but what I ordered is 4 tickets at this price."
I see. SO...you are a TIME WASTER.

Darladiva: GO TO HELL TIME WASTER, HERE IS A QUARTER. Call someone who cares, and that someone is NOT Tason D. Schmitt.

Jasodiva: I think it should have a silent p, no? Tason D. Schmipt.

Darladiva: I can't stop pronouncing the p, so no. Schmmmipppt. See? Sorry.

Jasodiva: Me eitherpt. LOL, IT'S KINDA FUNNY - PT PT PT PT!

Darladiva: IT IS FUNNYPT!

Jasodiva: ACTUALLY LAUGHINGPT.

Darladiva: ME TOOPT!

Jasodiva: LOLPT.

Darladiva: I AM DRUNKPT.

Jasodiva: SO AM IPT!

DivaChat 4 - Almost Famous

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 15:21:00 +0000

Jasodiva: Did you have a photo shoot with Viggo for that people-with-pets TV promo casting?

Darladiva: Not yet, but I should

Jasodiva: They will like you. You are both tv pretty

Darladiva: If Viggo agrees to it. She might be a betch about it

Jasodiva: Yeah, might have to go through her agent, William Meowis Agency

Darladiva: Her fee is too high
...up
...on the counter
(treats)

Jasodiva: She might pussy foot the issue

Darladiva: It might require some heavy petting

Jasodiva: Slip her some nip

Darladiva: She does like the grass

(long pause)

Darladiva: Where did you go? Are you turning this into a divachat entry?

Jasodiva: No. Ran out of cat jokes....cat got my tongue. Oops, had one more.

DivaChat 3 - Idol Chatter

noreply@blogger.com (Darla) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:57:00 +0000

Darladiva: morning...your status message is singing about idol.

Jasodiva: right. that is a lie.

Darladiva: liiies!

Jasodiva: i'm SO glad blindie is gone, p.s.

Darladiva: yea, i was over it.

Jasodiva: HE IS scary.

Darladiva: i was getting all annoyed when they were talking about saving him.

Jasodiva: right...i mean... he's not scary...but just looks scary...when he is singing. like "i'm going to eat you."

Darladiva: awwww...but BYE!!

Jasodiva: he can't see you waving.

Darladiva: right.