I remember sitting there staring at my laptop when my ex sent the final message that signified the end of our long distance relationship.

After my extremely personal story last time, I tossed out the idea of a Relationship Mini-Intensive.

A completely free online event where Mika and I would teach some of our more advanced strategies for getting the love that you want, even if things seem hopeless right now.

Anyway, because I’m such a perfectionist, I didn’t even want to think about doing this unless at least 100 people were interested.

And to be honest, I was completely blown away that we reached well over 100 people signing up within the first few hours of publishing that blog post.

Apparently, there is a huge demand for this kind of thing.

So, we are definitely going to be doing the Relationship Mini-Intensive!

Probably during the week of May 20th.

However, I’m Going to Need Your Help

Ultimately, the contents of the mini-intensive will be decided by you.

But, here’s what I’m thinking of so far:

• A powerful technique to really connect and break through any sort of “emotional wall” someone may be using to block you out (either intentionally or inadvertently). Once you get this, you’ll be able to connect and have a real and honest conversation with them.
• An exercise taught to me by one of my mentors to help create the exact outcome you want in your relationship or in life (the first time Mika and I did this, we had completely astonishing results.
• An interview with one of our favorite clients about how some of the information we gave her changed her life.
• What some people have called the most inspirational thing I’ve ever created on relationships that gave them hope in their darkest hour (yet, I’d be willing to bed that pretty much no one on our newsletter has ever heard this)
• My personal stories about the people who helped transform me from a painfully shy, friendless guy, fresh out of a breakup, into the guy who is proud to say he is in the healthiest relationship he could ever hope to have, and how you can do this too.

And like I said, this is all just thoughts I’m having.

If you have any suggestions, I am completely 100% open to them!

I want to make sure that you get what you need out of this event.

But either way, if you want to get a spot in this one-of-a-kind online event, you’re going to have to sign up below.

This is a completely separate email newsletter, and only people who sign up will get information about this mini-intensive.

[Note 2: This is a followup to this post, which got an astonishing number of comments from across the globe (it still blows my mind that people in just about every country read this blog)]

In 2006, my life changed in an instant.

I hung up the phone for the last time with my ex, after she said those four words: “This isn’t working anymore.”

This wasn’t our first breakup. Actually, over the seven years we were together, it was our third.

I probably could have gotten her back, the way I had in the past, but something told me to take a different path.

Ultimately, in my heart, I knew that the two of us weren’t right for each other, and no matter how hard I tried to force it, it just didn’t make up for our dramatically different values.

And, Ultimately, This Was a Choice That Changed EVERYTHING

So, I started on a difficult and challenging journey to really learn everything I could about relationships, dating, forgiveness, emotions, and connecting with others.

And I had a lot of catching up to do…

Back on that cold evening in late February in 2006, I was painfully shy, I was so disconnected from my own emotions that I hardly knew how to describe how I felt aside from “bad,” and I only had one real friend in the world who lived about 100 miles away from me in a college town out in the middle of nowhere.

…Like I said, I had a long journey ahead of me.

The Crazy Story of How I Found the Best Relationship of My Life

I made a lot of mistakes along the way.

I spent MONTHS suffering as I coped with crippling heartbreak.

I even got a crush on a co-worker who was going through a breakup too (I guess somehow the shared experience made me feel like there was more there)… and then I was emotionally devastated when she didn’t feel the same way about me.

I spent a lot of time reading books and trying to figure out this whole “love” part of my life, which I’ll admit isn’t really what your typical twenty-something guy does with his free time…

Sometimes, I’d make little realizations along the way…

…But never much that really took me LIGHTYEARS ahead of what I even thought was possible.

When I Look Back on It…

Every Single BIG Change Came as a Direct Result of Getting Intense Feedback from Other People

There are lots of great books that helped me, for sure, but when it comes to the quantum leaps in progress…

I could always look back and remember someone there, holding my feet to the fire, and giving me guidance through the difficult times.

You see, we often have a hard time seeing our own situation from an outsiders’ point of view. We’re often so stuck, thinking that we just need to know the right “magic words” or master the right “body language,” that we completely miss how we’re actually acting and behaving.

They say that the three greatest mysteries are:

• A fish unto water…
• A bird unto air…
• And a man unto himself…

That is to say that oftentimes we’re stuck “swimming in” our own limiting beliefs, doubts, and uncertainties that we have no idea that they are even there to begin with.

Just like if you were to ask a fish about water… It would have no idea what water even is because it has spent its entire life swimming in water. It doesn’t even have any concept of a life or a world outside of the ocean.

And it’s in those moments… those sudden flashes… when the fish suddenly realizes he’s spent his whole life surrounded by water… and those flashes when people just like you and me realize that we’ve been living our lives based on a set of fragile yet unquestioned beliefs… that everything changes.

…It’s in those moments that real transformation happens.

…And it’s in those moments when this whole “relationship” part of your life goes from a no-win game designed to crush and defeat you… into a game that you can actually win!

…A game with the odds stacked in your favor for having that relationship you truly yearn for.

How to Find What You’ve Been “Swimming In”

Okay, so maybe you’re wondering how do you find these beliefs that have kept you a prisoner… and held you back from enjoying the kind of relationship you truly want… without even knowing it!

And I’m going to be honest with you.

You’re not going to figure this out by reading a book.

The only way you’re going to make these life-changing, relationship-saving shifts is to get feedback and guidance from someone who is not “swimming in” the same stuff you are.

It’s through getting direct help from someone to point out the blind spots that keep you from getting the love you want… the blind spots where you unintentionally and unknowingly repel the very people you want so desperately to attract.

The First Time, This Happened, I Was Choking Back on Tears in San Francisco

A photo of me in my hotel room afterward (I never felt as open before, and I tried to capture it on film…)

I was sitting across from a man and a woman who I had only met a few days earlier… Yet they were guiding me through DECADES of suppressed pain and suffering.

Once the tears subsided, I felt lighter. All that emotion and numbness I was holding onto for so long was gone.

And in that moment, I was a new person.

All the suffering, heartache, and loneliness was gone. And in it’s place was the real me. The person I always “sort of” knew was there, but was always stifled and held back.

But aside from feeling better myself, the people in my life found that I was easier to get along with.

It was almost like they could take a deep sigh of relief and FINALLY let their guard down.

Little did I know, but for nearly my entire life up to this point, I was unknowingly repelling people from me.

…Even the people that I wanted so desperately to love me.

I couldn’t help but look back on all the breakups, failed relationships, and challenges and see–with crystal clarity–how I had been pushing these people away from me, without even knowing it.

I just couldn’t go on making the same mistakes that kept me lonely and single any longer.

And shortly after that deep, cleansing, catharsis, I met Mika.

And people tell me that I’m lucky to have such a great relationship…

But I Can Tell You That “Luck” Has Absolutely Nothing to Do with It

I can say beyond the shadow of a doubt that if it wasn’t for all the grueling work I put it and compassionate guidance I got from others along the way, I never would have been able to have the relationship that I have with her today.

These days, I’m truly blessed to be in the best relationship of my life.

• I no longer feel like I’m walking on eggshells, trying to prove myself to anyone.
• I no longer feel like I’ll be left alone if I don’t measure up and put on my “best game.”
• I no longer feel as if I need to hide who I am or what I truly want.

In fact, my relationship is almost completely effortless.

Now, I won’t lie to you and tell you that we don’t have our bad days every now and then, but those are few and far between.

The real cool part is that my relationship and my love life is no longer a source of stress or anxiety for me anymore.

My relationship is like a safe harbor, where I know I can be myself and express anything I want without the fear of being judged or rejected.

It’s more like an endless path that we both travel together as we share a journey and help each other grow… where each day we’re constantly falling in love with each other again and again.

And I really couldn’t have done it alone.

I really owe all the progress I’ve made to a few people who have stood up and held me accountable… who have guided me through confusion… and who have pointed out my own blind spots and helped me grow in ways I could never even imagine.

So, Here’s What It’s Come to… Here’s What’s Being Demanded of Us… And What I Feel Compelled to Do for You…

Sure, Mika and I help people just like you navigate the world of love and relationships with the products we offer.

But we also know that no situation is the same, and that every relationship is unique.

For some people, a one-size-fits-all model is fine, but for others, they need closer guidance to know exactly how to get the love they deserve.

I’m thinking about creating a free “Relationship Mini-Intensive” for you, just as a test to see if there’s any interest in this kind of thing.

To be honest, both Mika and I have been truly humbled with all the messages, comments, emails, etc. about the last two blog posts I wrote.

It seems there’s a lot of interest in getting more feedback and learning more advanced strategies

But Here’s the Catch…

I told you how I’m a hopeless perfectionist, so I want to create separate “mini-newsletter” just about this to see if there’s enough interest.

So, here’s what I’d like you to do…

If you’re interested in this, then enter your email address below…

This is a separate newsletter than the one you are probably already subscribed to. This newsletter will have updates just about this free Relationship Mini-Intensive.

If enough people get on this insiders’ only interest list (I’m thinking at least 100), then we’ll go ahead and do this in the next week or two.

Ultimately, you will need to help by giving me feedback about specifically what you want help with.

And together we’ll work to help you have the relationship you know you deserve.

Okay, so sorry to keep you hanging from that previous blog post…

Anyway, I’ve been reluctant to talk about something for a while now, but I think it’s about time we had a little heart-to-heart here…

As you may (or may not) know, this whole relationship advice thing has unfolded in a strangely beautiful way.

When I first started writing for a few little websites years ago, I never DREAMED that we would have the kind of impact that we have now.

We’ve been featured on places like Huffington Post Live (where I was actually interviewed live on air!), the Match.com blog, and tons of other place on the internet. I’ve even had writers for major magazines like Redbook asking me for advice on articles they were writing.

But more than media attention, what touches me more is helping thousands of people transform their relationships by healing the rift between them and their partner, or by helping them find the love that eluded them for so long.

In fact, just last weekend, Mika and I met up for coffee with one of our clients who we helped cope with a particularly challenging breakup.

And part of me is still surprised to think that the small insights we offer can really turn people’s lives from what seems like a no-win situation into a powerful catalyst for grown and stepping into a happier life and relationship.

It’s moments like this that make what we do 1000 times better :)

And wow! Mika and I have been humbled along the way, and we have learned so much!

So, Here’s What I Was Hinting at Last Time…

Over the years, Mika and I have been:

• Nicely asked…
• Strongly encouraged…
• Begged…
• Pleaded with…

To share our wealth of information and work intensely one-on-one with you to help you create a tailored plan that fits your unique situation to help you get the relationship you want.

For YEARS, we’ve resisted this…

You know there are the usual excuses… Not having enough time… Thinking we need more preparation… Not thinking people would really be interested in learning our advanced techniques and strategies.

And, well… I’m also a little bit of a perfectionist.

It’s kind of a weird story, but I once stayed up all night in grad school making sure the font was just right for a project…

(don’t ask…)

Anyway, the point, is that if Mika and I do this, we’re going to have to do this 110% of the way, or not at all.

After all, I know that your relationships are the most important thing in your life. The people who we share our lives with really determine the quality of the experiences we have.

And both Mika and I approach this with just as much seriousness because we know how important this part of your life is for you.

How I’m Trying to Learn from the Past

Back when Mika and I first started writing for various websites back in the day, people told me that we should start our own blog… That our ideas were good enough that we should strike out on our own.

The idea scared me a bit, but here you are, reading our blog…

And then people started telling us that they wanted us to help them truly master this whole relationship side of their life, so we made a few programs like the Passion Program, which people have told has been a complete “game changer,” saved their relationship, and revealed the “blind spots” that kept them from finding the love they want.

And the success stories we get every time we open our email inboxes really warms my heart.

It would have been small minded to not take on those new things.

And maybe NOT giving you personal one-on-one help and guidance to form a just-right-for-you plan is just as small-minded…

I’m Seriously Considering Doing This…

Despite our hesitations and perfectionism, Mika and I are seriously thinking about offering highly-customized, intensive, one-on-one help to guide you from where ever you are right now, to sharing those warm and genuine moments of joy and connection with the person you love, and who is unquestionably in love with you…

…even if things seem hopeless right now.

And these are the advanced, and extremely deep practices and techniques that have transformed our own lives in the past.

(I would have LOVED it if someone would have helped me in this way back in 2006, when I was alone and confused, my heart shattered after hanging up the phone after my ex dumped me… and I was basically forced to learn all of this and find my own path the hard way.)

If We Do This, It Will Be a Lot of Work for Us…

I’m truly excited about sharing this stuff with you and helping you, and I know this could be what some people will need to finally have the relationship they’ve always wanted…

…but I also know that my little projects can sometimes get out of hand.

So, right now I only want to do this if there is interest in it.

So, I’d like to know…

• What do you think?
• Should we do this?
• Would you be interested?

Your feedback and thoughts are really the fuel that keep me going.

And I don’t even want to think about doing this unless there is enough interest.

Please Leave a Comment Below Telling Me What You Think

It would really mean a lot to me.

And I’ll do my best to respond to each and every comment.

This is Clay.

I’ve always done my best to be transparent and open here on this blog, but there’s something I’ve held back on for a few months (more on that in a bit, though…).

You see, people write in to us, searching for help during some of the darkest times of their lives.

• Crushing heartbreaks
• Relationships strained to the brink of ruin
• Loneliness that pushes them to tears
• Confusion and anxiety as they navigate the murky world of dating and relationships

On one hand, I’m honored to help people through these painful chapters of their lives, and the kind words from our customers is often the fuel I need to get through the day.

But at the same time, I sometimes feel I’m not doing enough to help the thousands of people who read our messages and blog posts every day.

You See, Today Is My Birthday

(I’m 31 for anyone keeping score)

I’ve always taken my birthday as an opportunity to look back on my life and to set new goals for the year ahead.

Usually, I’d take the day for myself and take a look at my life.

When I lived in Seattle, I’d wander around through the Arboretum or along the edges of Lake Washington. When I lived in Arizona, I’d hop in my car and drive up to the Grand Canyon or the Navajo reservation, just thinking things through on the drive up.

It’s been through these experiences that I’ve set goals that have truly shaped my life in ways I still can hardly believe.

Because of this strange little habit of mine, I’ve:

• Traveled the world (Thailand, Japan, Singapore, and Italy so far)
• Gone on an annual camping trip with my close friend to the Washington State coast
• Moved across the country (I ended up in Phoenix, Arizona, where I met Mika)
• Practiced yoga every day
• Meditated
• Changed careers
• Gone to graduate school
• Learned how to cook (still a small and simple pleasure to my day)
• Started this silly little blog

Just to name a few.

But each goal was part of creating something new. Part of playing a bigger game.

The Part Where I’m Vulnerable:

Anyway, over the past few months, I’ve felt pulled to help you in a bigger way.

You may have noticed that Mika and I have been sending out more emails over the past few months.

I remember how difficult it was going through my relationship challenges in the past, and getting a small daily email from a friend really helped me out.

It’s been my hope that the messages we’ve sent out to you have been helpful in the same way.

And we’ve done online webcasts where we teach you what has worked for us and our customers to give them the relationships that they wanted.

But This is Just the Beginning…

There’s a REALLY BIG THING that people have been asking for since the beginning of time (or at least it feels that way).

The first time someone asked, I brushed it off.

But then more and more people started asking as time went on, and I couldn’t ignore it.

At first I was a little afraid of it because it was something bigger than I had ever done before.

For the longest time, I just dismissed it, telling myself that I just didn’t have the time or that no one would be REALLY be interested.

But I think it’s time to go deeper.

Mika and I recently met up with one of our customers for coffee and that made me change my mind.

I’ll tell you more next time…

Before I do that though, I just want to check in with you.

Is this something you’d be ready to do?

Or are you okay with the level of help we currently offer?

Although I feel compelled to help you in a deeper and more advanced way, I really wanted to get your thoughts first.

Please leave your thoughts as a comment below.

Clay (aka “Mr. 31”)

PS: What do you do for your birthday? Do you stop and think about what you want for the next year of your life, or am I just the only one with this habit?

The reason for that is because we directly deal with the fallout from this misleading and uniformed advice everyday when we help our clients through their own relationship struggles.

Reverse psychology? Mind games? Manipulative seduction scripts? No-win thinking? You’ll never hear that from us.

Sometimes it seems like it’s very rare to find anyone else who doesn’t tell you that a “healthy” relationship is based on calculated control, which is why it is such a breath of fresh air to stumble across someone else who “gets it.”

In fact, here are 10 other websites that we love that are run by people who we would confidently recommend to our readers and friends:

Authentic World

Authentic World is probably one of the biggest reasons why you are here reading this blog right now.

Clay went through one of their Authentic Man Program courses back in 2007 in San Francisco and it completely changed the way he handled love and relationships.

Kind of a tall claim, but they really deliver.

Authentic World is committed to helping people learn how to relate better to one another whether they be lovers, friends, or strangers. Authentic World has  gone global since then and if you’re lucky, you may have an Authentic World community in your neighborhood.

Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

Natalie Lue is at the top of my list when it comes to “getting it.” Natalie helps women who are in a winning streak of poor relationships, create healthy boundaries on how they want to be treated in a relationship.

Natalie does not sugar coat or coddle you. On Baggage Reclaim, you’ll identify the root cause of why you’re attracting men who prove that your deepest fears and beliefs about yourself are true.

If you aren’t willing to step out of your comfort zone or go against the grain of everything you thought you knew about relationships, than Baggage Reclaim isn’t for you (and to be frank, neither is The Path to Passion.)

I’m indifferent towards it.

However, I go chocoholic crazy for the colossal heart-shaped box of chocolates.

A Twitter friend asked how I felt about Valentine’s Day. I told him that when it came to Valentine’s Day, I can take it or leave it .

 [Cheese Alert]: My relationship with Clay isn’t celebrated on one day out of the year–we celebrate our relationship every single moment we’re together.

The teasing loving banter, the gentle caresses as we walk by each other in our apartment, our (sometimes ungraceful) choreography in our small kitchen, our strolls in the park (in silence or absorbed in deep conversations about our business, our goals, dreams, the past, present and future.) We honestly don’t need or want one day out of the year to remind us to appreciate and love each other.

Not only does Valentine’s Day create high expectations for your  love life, but for those who are single, it can be a painful reminder that you’re lonely or that you miss your ex.

Here 10 ways you can stay sane on Valentine’s Day and not crack under the pressure:

1. Love Every Facet of Yourself

Having a good relationship with yourself is at the root of a healthy and loving relationship. If you can’t love and accept yourself, warts and all, then you won’t be open enough to receive anyone’s love. Not having a loving relationship with yourself means you will unconsciously reject love until you accept yourself first.

By only internalizing the thoughts that serve you you’ll begin to love yourself and be open to love.The more you sacrifice yourself for your relationship and your partner, the more you do them a disservice by denying them the person they want so desperately to love.

2. Recognize Mutual Shared Humanity

Instead of taking out your negative emotions on the people you love most, share the human experience with them. Don’t use them as a scapegoat for your bad mood. Know that this person has their own fears, dreams and hopes… they’re just like you! Exude compassion and kindness to the people around you. Understanding that the two of you both deal with the same emotional experiences will help shine a beacon of light in the darkest moments.

3. Make the Small Moments Count

Whether you’re busy with work, school, raising a family, household chores or any other responsibilities, take a moment to be present with your partner. Life can get so busy at times that we forget to be in the present moment with the people we love. Set time aside to appreciate what and who you have in your life. Instead of being caught up in the past or worrying about the future, being in the present moment will help you make the most of the time you have with the people you love.

4. Letting Go of the Past Means Focusing on What You Can Control

Pain is a fact of life. You can’t control what happens to you. However you do have control over how you respond to adversity. Your significant other said or did something that upset you? You got into an argument with a close friend? Make a conscious choice to let it go and move on. The more you dwell on what can’t be changed, the more you dwell in the past. Aspire to positivity and make the next moment and interaction in your life the most uplifting and rewarding experience you can.

5. Growth is Only Possible When You Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

Do you come home to zone out in front of the television? Have your interactions with your loved ones gone stale? Do you feel a vague sense of dissatisfaction in your life? Getting out of your comfort zone is the first step to living a life with awareness and intention.

The more you become complacent or stagnant in your life, the more likely you are to rely on external circumstances to “entertain” you and make you feel good. Get out of your comfort zone and try something different like joining a gym, signing up for a class, traveling, taking up a new hobby, and meeting new people. Getting out of stagnation mode will make more room for growth in your relationship.

They enjoyed late night talks about their hopes and dreams. Jennifer was a loving wife who supported all his endeavors. Marc was a loving husband who adored Jennifer’s playful and adventurous spirit.

They led a very passionate life together in every aspect.

Then Jennifer got pregnant and Marc had to move up the corporate ladder to support his family.

As time passed on and around kid #3,  their late night talks about their dreams and hopes ceased to exist as more of their interactions were geared towards the kids, household duties, paying for bills and creating a parental choreography of picking up and taking their boys to and from their school, soccer practices and to various appointments.

Marc works long days at the office trying to keep his family afloat and Jennifer is a stay at home mom. By the end of each evening, Marc and Jennifer are both exhausted.

Occasionally, Jennifer will flip through the television channels or does that scrolling thingy on Facebook while Marc reads his book in bed.

Jennifer can’t even remember the last time they’ve talk about their feelings, their dreams or even shared a genuine laugh together anymore. She can’t remember the time they connected on an emotional level. Jennifer feeling overwhelmed and wanting time to herself, begins to feel resentful towards Marc, who spends every other Saturday playing golf with his buddies.

Jennifer also yearns to connect with Marc, just like the old days. When she tells him that something needs to change, an argument usually breaks out between them. Marc, feeling pressured by his wife and work, pulls even further away from Jennifer’s attempts to bond. Jennifer, feeling rejected, does a Google search on how to fix her marriage.

She comes across an article that tells her this:

A Super Sexy Trick to Force Your Partner Into Loving You Foreevvvver:

Remember when you two could barely keep your hands off each other? Nowadays your relationship is as exciting as eating bran flakes for breakfast in your sweats. Your relationship is falling prey to the mundane of everyday life.

 The only solution: Sex it Up!

Drive him wild and make him want you by putting away your granny panties and buy a $100 sexy lingerie set.

Hot Damn! This will not only improve your sex life but it will help you two rekindle the passion that used to run so wild between the two of you.

Say goodbye to the daily malaise of your relationship and say hello to your new passionate and exciting relationship!

The issues that caused a rift between you and your partner doesn’t matter because a successful sex life = a successful relationship.

Yours truly,

@~>~Sexy Relationship Dating Goddess ~<~@

The next day, feeling a glimmer of hope to transform her marriage, Jennifer goes to the mall and spends hundreds of dollars on lace panties, camisoles and delicate sheer teddies.

He was often thrown into the whirlwind of his fiancee’s family events that happened more often than he would have liked. He was unaccustomed to his fiancee’s family dynamic due to the difference in his own upbringing.

This particular issue has caused a lot of strain in their relationship and in the past, they have actually broken up over this.

The root of the issue has to do with more about the difference in their expectations, their childhood experiences and creating personal boundaries. Perhaps you’ve struggled with this in your relationship as well.

All of our experiences are a result of certain expectations.

You work extra extra long hours at work, you expect to get a bigger paycheck. You dedicate yourself to working out and eating healthy, you expect to see certain results in your physical appearance. You refill the toilet paper roll when it’s empty and you expect others to do the same. You expect to do ABC in your relationship and you expect XYZ to happen, right?

But what happens when our expectations aren’t met? Just like with my friend mentioned earlier, his expectations of family togetherness was shockingly different from his fiancee’s own expectations that it’s always been sore spot in their relationship.

Our childhood experiences affect a lot of the choices we make today.

Most of our expectations differ from one another because we had different experiences growing up. Usually these differences are what causes many problems in a relationship when it’s not met with acceptance and compassion.

Here are a few ways how unrealistic expectations in relationships causes unnecessary pain and drama.

What’s wrong with People Pleasers?

I mean isn’t bringing joy to others and serving the world the key to a fulfilling life?

Yes, but it all comes down to your motivation behind doing so.

If you are motivated by wellspring of love in your heart that overflows from a place of pure abundance, then you are doing it for the right reason.

If you are afraid of rocking the boat or deeply terrified that if you don’t live up to someone else’s expectations, then they will leave you, then you are doing it for the wrong reason.

Of course, this has a lot to do with boundaries and expectations.

But it also has a lot to do with the belief that your relationship is built on a shaky foundation, and you’d better fall in line or else that relationship is going to disappear.

Being a People Pleaser really comes from a perceived place of disempowerment and insecurity(is a relationship really supposed to be about power struggles and control?).

And situations like this are often laced with Covert Contracts.