I’ve been thinking about the idea of an inner critic and insecurity a lot lately, and I really do believe that it is at the root of most relationship problems.

I mean, how many times have you been left wondering if your partner really loves you, after demanding that he assert this to you over and over again?

Is the real problem that he doesn’t tell you that he loves you enough?

Or is the real problem that nagging voice in the back of your head that keeps telling you that you’re not worthy of love, affection, or a healthy relationship? So you end up using him to silence that voice.

Is the real problem that he got mad at you for making up a simple white lie, telling him what you thought he wanted to hear?

Or is the real problem the fact that, when it all came down to it, you didn’t believe that you could be loved exactly the way you are and you felt like you had to pretend to be someone else? In effect, shaking his trust in you.

Is the real problem that he doesn’t open up about his past and tell you everything?

Or is the real problem the fact that you don’t do the same as well because you’re afraid that he wouldn’t love you if he knew the “real” you? All while you constantly thirst to know and connect with him, but you’re unable to take the first step yourself toward intimacy.

Your Inner critic (or “Dirty Harriet” as Mika refers to her…) can be a real nuisance.

She (or he) can single-handedly sabotage everything you really want for yourself and your relationship, by seeding everything you do with doubts and niggling questions that fester in the back of your mind.

So many relationships have been destroyed because someone’s inner critic planted the seed that ended up unraveling something that really was pretty good.

Seeds like, “Is this really the relationship for me?”

“He probably doesn’t really love me.”

“There’s no way he’d want to be with me if he could be with her.”

“There’s no way he’d really love me if he knew the truth.”

I’ve seen it time and time again. So many relationships destroyed, ruined, crippled, or cut down to within an inch of complete annihilation.

And why?

When you follow the trail away from the burning rubble that was once a thriving relationship, you usually find your inner critic standing in the shadows, chucking and holding a tank of gasoline and a match.

Your inner critic feeds you those thoughts that make you feel insecure and make you act out of character.

Your inner critic tells you you’re not enough and makes you think that once-sturdy foundation beneath your feed is only sand, ready to washed away when the tide comes in.

Your inner critic tells you slowly back toward the emergency exit and keep one foot out the door when you feel that things are “too good to be true.”

How to Stop the Emotional Crime Spree!

So there’s this super-villain running amok wreaking havoc in your mind, in your heart, and in your relationship.

What are you to do?

Well, every super-villain is always thwarted by a super-hero. Batman keeps the Joker at bay. Superman stops Lex Luthor. And Harry Potter is victorious over “he who must not be named.”

So then, who will step in and stop your inner critic?

Where is justice?

It turns out the only person who can stop Dirty Harriet (or whatever your inner critic may be named), is you.

You must awaken the courage, the strength, and the conviction within yourself to stand up to your inner critic and vanquish it.

Here are 3 ways you can do this:

First, realize that beliefs are not true.

This mays sound strange, but no belief is absolutely true. Go up to someone and ask them “Do all men cheat?” Some will say, “Yes, all men are dirty, cheating dogs!” Some will say, “No, men don’t cheat!” And still others will say, “Well, that really depends on the guy…”

Each of these three responses is the belief that the individual happens to have. Does it matter which one is true? Not really, because in the mind of the believer, every belief that they have is true. Just ask them, and they’ll undoubtedly give all sorts of proof that men cheat, men don’t cheat, or some men sometimes cheat (perhaps stories from their past experiences).

The better question is, “Does this belief provide me with the results I want in life?” If you believed that all men cheat, you would find all sorts of clues that a guy you’re dating is cheating. He’s working late; he must be cheating. He added a woman as a friend on Facebook; he must be cheating. He told you he isn’t cheating when you asked him; he must be cheating (that filthy liar!).

What’s even more, is that holding a belief like this can cause you to find yourself inexplicably attracted to men that are more likely to cheat on you. You may look past all those nice guys that “just don’t do it for you” in favor of that one guy who just has that “something” about him. Maybe “Dirty Harriet” is trying to prove your belief true by blocking out all the decent dudes and causing you to laser focus on those oh-so-irresistible bad boys.

If a belief isn’t giving you the results you want, you are under no obligation to hold onto it. It may seem frightening at first to try to let go of such a belief, but the longer you sit with it and try it on, you might just find that it gets more comfortable.

Second, understand that your inner critic draws strength from a core mindset of lack and scarcity.

To cut of your inner critic’s power source, you need to undo this mindset.

Often times we feel as though we aren’t good enough to get what we want in life. We don’t believe that there is enough love in the world… or at least not enough for us. We don’t believe that we deserve good things. And we don’t believe that we are worthy of what we really want in this world.

So we deprive ourselves. We surrender the steering wheel of our life and our thoughts to Dirty Harriet. We cower in the corner as she floor the accelerator and steers the car straight toward a cliff, and we wonder why our life is so difficult.

Instead, what you need to do is boot her out of the car and set the course for where you want to go yourself.

If you’re not already on our newsletter list, there is a great exercise for squashing this kind of lack and scarcity thinking inside. Sign up and get it :)

Third, stop wondering what he’s thinking and just be in the moment.

Maybe you’re sitting there, glancing over the table looking at him, and wondering “What’s going on in that mind of his?” as he sits there quietly chewing his dinner.

You start analyzing him.

You start thinking of all the things that he might be thinking.

Why isn’t he opening up? What kinds of secrets is he hiding?

And of course, your inner critic has no shortage of suggestions.

“Why, he’s fantasizing about that woman you two passed by in the street an hour ago.”

“He’s obviously angry at you. Why else would he be so quiet?”

“He’s trying to think up just the right way to tell you that it’s over.”

This makes you feel anxious, so you start to analyze more, and more, and more! This begins the vicious circle as your inner critic start ruminating in your mind about all the problems that are riddling your relationship.

Then after dinner, he says that he wants to go for a walk with you.

Oh no!

He’s going to drop the hammer. This is one of those “we need to talk” moments. He’s going to leave you for that new girl at work, isn’t he…

But at the end of the day, all of this obsessing over what he’s thinking keeps you from actually being in the moment with him.

There are potential “small moments” that are budding and waiting to bloom right in front of you, if you simply stop living in your head and just step into them.

Plus, your inner critic doesn’t exist in the present moment. She lives in the past and in the future. She floods you with regrets from the past (thoughts like, “If only I’d have said…”), and she tells you to brace yourself and prepare for the phantoms of the future (“What are you going to do if he says…”).

But relationships don’t happen in the past or the future. They happen right now.

Relationships live and die by the small moment-by-moment choices we make on a consistent basis, not some nebulous moment of reprieve in the future or those warm and comforting times in the past.

There’s a saying that I read recently (for the life of me, I can’t recall where…) that went something like “Marriage isn’t something that happens at the alter in a flowing white dress. It’s something that happens day in and day out as you share your life with someone.”

So, I’m inviting you to step out of the past and the future. I’m inviting you to step out of Dirty Harriet’s world. And I’m inviting you to enjoy the rich fullness of the present moment with your partner.

Your inner critic can really sabotage a lot of the rewarding moments of connection that you can share with your partner. It can destroy a relationship by fueling your insecurities and steer a once-thriving relationship to the grave. And it can kill the love and affection as self-doubt and second guessing replace enjoying the moment.

But it’s my hope that this advice can help you overcome Dirty Harriet and help you realize that you really are worthy of having all the love that you thirst for in your life.

If you found this helpful, I’d really love it if you could share this on Twitter, Facebook, or Google Plus. I’ll admit that I’m not really very good with “social media” or “working the blogosphere.” However, I really am passionate about helping as many people as possible, and I would really appreciate it if you helped to spread the word :)

And if you have a moment, please share in the comments what your inner critic tells you.