Image via Wikipedia

Things seem to be moving at a snail’s pace in all things it seems.

I have a bit of a health abnormality going on. Lethargy. Hair loss. Weird random occurring symptoms. Even my cycle is off (I don’t think I used that word in a very long time… such is the life of an always infertile). Blood tests haven’t uncovered anything other than high cholesterol and a vitamin D deficiency.

Oh, and a very non-medical malaise that is called STRESS.

The funny thing is I’ve gotten a million words of assvice from folks I encounter when I describe my symptoms. Go figure. Just like the infertility days when I was told that “if I just relax”, it will resolve all my problems! THE problem is, I would love to just relax, for…. say…..the rest of this year. In bed.

I am dog tired.

I’ve not been eating well either, which probably makes it worse. Or sleeping well, which makes me wonder how I manage to get through the day. After the copious amounts of caffeine, that is. At least I don’t smoke or drink.

Damn, I sound like a hot mess.

Meanwhile, you may be wondering, “hey, what about the adoption?”. Yeah, well, I got nothing there either. It seems there is a shortage of birthmoms at my agency. We are still waiting. And I have a feeling the wait is going to be longer than estimated. I am kind of equally frustrated and disappointed at this fact. I am looking ahead and starting to doubt my path. Another post for another time….

My job has been going okay, but I am wistful of the old days in corporate life. Business is slow. Thanks to the lackluster American economy, business is almost non-existent in my new industry. Competitors are dropping like flies. We are one of the few family-owned companies that are still solvent, but with winter approaching, I am readying myself to have to look for yet another job. Or, beg my old employer to hire me back. That topic deserves its own post too.

What do they say about the best laid plans?

Ah yes, so that brings me to Mr. X who is quite close to nuclear meltdown in his current job. Wait, he’s been at this point for the last year so I guess nothing has changed here.

But! I do have some good news….

Turtle boy has been doing well so far in the third grade. He has been bringing home some impressive grades, and just won a little art contest in school. Ah ha! Someone in the family that has their shit together is an awesome thing, right??

I guess the message to all of this is, it’s hard to know when you have a good thing. My lesson this year has been just that. Except I have no idea what “good” is anymore. But, as I have throughout my entire life, mistakes will guide the way.

Here I thought I emerged as a beaten-down unsuccessful infertile, reborn with new insight on living life… Only to be challenged again.

In my silly world, it only seems appropriate that life has thrown me another curveball.

What’s the fun in normal and stress-free?

to quote my Daddy, “The hard times are for character building.”

Got that right.

So here I am, and I am betting I’ll be writing a lot more over here. It feels so nice and cozy in the world of no ads and anonymity. Heh.

So, life is going. I am trying hard to adjust, realizing that I must make a deal with myself that I cannot rock the boat until after the New Year. Even though my stress level has increased a bit (again) I am trying to look to the bright side. I have an income, and I still have free time. I’ve been getting home around 3:30 to get Turtle off the bus, and I get a head start making dinner and helping him with his homework.

With my flexible schedule, I did something very outside my comfort zone… I threw my name in to be a room parent for Turtle’s classroom. I want to be more involved with the moms at my son’s school. To be honest, being a parent of one child in this particular private school is like being invisible. I think the average family has 4 kids, so we stand out like a sore thumb. I’ve always felt “out of the loop” first as a working mom, but the infertility just sort of blew that up 100 times over.

I’m lonely. I really need to reach out and connect with other women. I needed a plan to break into the “inner circle” at Turtle’s school so I don’t feel so alone at school functions… but I was always holding back… worried… what if I am always standing on the outside looking in?

So back to the story, yep, I sent in the paper saying “Yes! I want to volunteer.” And you know what I got?

Crickets.

Nope, they don’t want me. Geez, what a massive blow to my already bruised ego. Not even an official NAY, just silence.

I lost sleep on this. It pisses me off to no end that even if I try REALLY HARD I seem not to get any further than a footstep. Such is my life lately, my family for that matter.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. One day a corporate maven with people flocking to me, now a working mom for a small family business that can’t get the time of day from the cool kids.

It’s sad, really. And not funny ha-ha. Funny, like I want to cry.

These are the days I feel low.

Image by matley0 via Flickr

This summer has gone so fast, and it’s almost time to send my boy off to another new year of school. We did so much over the summer, and between the impromptu family getaways, work, and the seemingly never-ending list of to-do’s, I am exhausted.

I’m really in a very weird place which is hard to verbalize. I kept writing drafts to post here, never hitting the publish button. I guess because it’s almost too complicated to even start to explain. Then I remembered that THIS place is my place. I don’t have to worry who is reading. We are all comrades here, and my real life friends and family aren’t here to judge me.

I am having a bit of trouble adjusting to my new work life. I had thought that escaping the corporate realm would lighten my load, but working for family in a small business actually raises the bar.

Not only am I struggling with working outside the home (my former job I worked entirely at home in the IT industry) but I am also having a hard time managing my time and the expectations of my family in the business. We get along just fine, but my father has visions of his kids taking the company into the future, and considering the hellish ride I’ve had over the past few years, I am focused on today, and only today. I can’t see into next week, let alone 2, 5, 10 years from now. It’s pressure I don’t need. Combine that with the terrible state of the economy… Work has been slow. My dad (and mom… she is part owner of this business too) is fretting that the company may suffer big time. The industry is construction, and you can just imagine the fallout lately. They are paying me a salary they can not really afford. But they have been in business for 30 years… It will take a lot to knock them down.

To top it off, my husband is still languishing in his job in the automotive industry. He’s not happy, he commutes far away, and took a giant pay cut last year to keep his job. He considered also working for my family but I am discouraging him now.. It’s too risky for us both to be in the same boat so to speak.

I miss my old life. Not the workload, but the people and the industry. It was stimulating, and I’m not sure I will ever feel that here. I feel sort of like an idiot admitting that. I mean, how can I know that when I’ve only been in this new job for 4 months? I have days where I feel good, like I am contributing, and days where I regret ever leaving my old job.

Lastly, I am at sort of a brick wall with life in general. I am jealous at the moms that don’t have to work. I envy that life. I want a taste of it, even for a little while. This, all the while knowing that I am the type of person that must do something, yet feeling unfulfilled in anything right now.

I am in a rut, once again. I am not taking care of me either… Eating too much, exercising too little, and not really connecting with friends like I use to. I haven’t even been spending much time on my computer and catching up with my online friends. And I hate that. But I so dreadfully need that connection.

Sigh.

I don’t know. I will hit the publish button, and ask that you go easy on me.

Oh, how things have changed since I last checked in.

I am finding time to enjoy life again.

I miss my old life just a teensy-weensy bit… really only the people (ok, I do miss the technology too)… but with Facebook and social media it makes it easier to stay in touch.  I can talk an earful about the new job, but I’ll save that for another post.  Now that I am easing into a schedule, I am starting to find time to write again.  And since I am not glued to a keyboard and phone nowadays, I actually like sitting down in front of my home computer.  Crazy, right?

On the adoption front…

Mr. X and I had another (required) class this week.  The topic was “Birth Parents” and all that happens from the other side’s perspective.  A young lady, a birth mom, was a guest at the class.  She was well-spoken,  not at all what I expected.  She told her story and  how she came to choose adoption at age 20.  It wasn’t a perfect story (what is really…) but the net of it being kind of awesome.  She and the adoptive family have a very open arrangement which, at first, was definitely not the intent early on.  But because the agency acted as the go-between and safe zone, what started out as an almost-closed adoption evolved into a very open adoption.   This particular birthmom is now engaged, has a career, and an extended family which includes the couple she chose to parent her child.

I sat there and instantly wished she was my birth mom.  At the very least, I hope to have that same kind of natural connection when the day comes.

Being a guarded person, I’ll admit to having doubts early on around a very open arrangement (Mr. X too), but the more I see and learn I do find that there are so many positives. Of course, the large variable is the people involved and how they mesh.  And, since it is a two-way street, both adoptive parent and birth parent have to be willing.  But from what I have witnessed, it appears that sometimes crazy, random circumstances lead up to situations that just “feel right”, and darn if I don’t run into people all the time that tell me fate played a role in their adoption story.  I will be okay either way, but now I am wishing/hoping for the situation that feels great for everyone.

It was nice to have the class occur right now because, truthfully, now that we are just waiting it’s something I try not to think or obssess about a lot.   I’m not fanatically cleaning our spare room.  I have no desire to shop for anything baby-related.  I’m not putting off vacations or plans.  Not even attempting to guesstimate when or how our profile will be shown (although the agency still arranges “the list” each month and tells us our numerical position, as if that really matters).

The class served to draw us back into the fold and renewed our feelings that we are waiting for something so, so good.  Instead of impatience, I am remaining very optimistic that someday soon great things are going to happen.

Because, eventually, they will.

My background is wide and varied.  Married to Mr. X and a mom to my (almost 8!) year old son.  We rode the infertility rollercoaster far too many times  (see About  section above) and all we were left with was an upset stomach and permanent whiplash.

Nowadays, we have been focusing on our impending domestic adoption.  Home study approved last fall, and we’ve been “waiting” for about six months now.

Oh, and I recently quit my corporate job I’ve had for the last 20 years to pursue life in the slower lane (aka my Dad’s family business).  My last day is today! 

Yeah, I am a barrel of fun and surprises.  Now that I’ll have more time to blog, I am looking forward to meeting more of you!  Hope you stick around.

Fondly,

Remy

I had a few days of…  “OMG, what have I done??” …and “I’m so glad I did it!” …and happiness and tears.  It’s hard to give up almost 20 years of corporate life.  When I told my manager she was shocked and probably a bit upset (after all I’ve been in my new role for only two months and had not gotten to know her well yet), but she admitted she found my bravery and dedication to my family as extraordinary.

The reality is I need to get my family back on an even keel. And, I have a baby coming (someday) and it’s not fair to start off a new chapter of our lives with employment madness. Lastly, but not leastly (made up word) I need to work on my own emotional and physical health.  I’ve ignored me for too long.

And the saying is true…  “if Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy…”

That being said…  I don’t have the luxury of giving up the income, so I will be working in the family business (my Dad and Mom own a utility contracting company that has been in business as long as I’ve been on this earth).  Probably doing a similar operations-type role and the best part…  working 40 hours a week.  I have not worked 40 hours a week in probably 15 years.  And although I give up my total work-at-home status, my Dad’s office is one mile down the street.  And let’s face it.  I will be in control of my schedule.  All me.

This morning I woke up and thought about how different my life will be soon.  And instead of dread, I feel a hint of joy.

Let’s hope this is a positive sign.

I didn’t realize how much time has passed until I clicked over to my second home here.

(sorry)

It’s been ups and downs since I last checked in.  Nothing new on the adoption front, just waiting ever so patiently…  actually, there is one thing.  Remember when I posted about NOT wanting to know where I was in terms of “waiting in line” at the agency?  Not that the line makes much sense since each waiting family has its own profile… but my social worker completely forgot not to tell me, and then provided an e-mail update last month that DID.

Oh well…  lol

Truth be told, it was what I thought, so no worries except I had hoped I was further up the list (smile).

So last I checked in I started my new job, and whoa…  big awakening.  In short, I hate it.  I hate the long hours.  I manage a business that is international which presents its own challenges…  like being on calls morning, noon, and night.  The workload is horrifying.  And, the money?  Permanently delayed.  No benefit to working at home if that’s all I am ever doing.

So I got to thinking…   Both Mr. X and I are in employment hell.  The key is to get balance back to our lives.  I’m working on a major shift.. AGAIN.  Because, dear lord!  I am not going to be able to do my present role with a new baby.   My short-term plan is to get into a space that will allow me time to not have to worry about the first few years.  So changes are in order that will require a lot of adjustment.  When I figure out the nuances of THE PLAN I’ll let you all know, but here’s the BIG REVEAL>>>

It will involve retirement from corporate life.  Mine.  Confused?  yeah, I get it.  Hang with me over the next month or so until I line up the ducks.

I’m also struggling with blogging.  Most of you know I have my home base on another blog.  I considered “privatizing” my 1st home, but with 5 years of followers and minor ad revenue (that does pay for two domain names and other blogging expenses) I just couldn’t bear to do it.  Which is how I ended up here.  Problem is, I’d rather be here, but I’m over there.  And over there, anything I write is read by IRL folks that found me via an astute Google search.  And you all know how fast word travels.  Before I knew it I had people in my son’s school reading the other blog, and…  well, I knew it would happen.  I’m just glad I folowed the Blogging Golden Rule… 

you know it, right?

“Don’t post ANYTHING you wouldn’t want read aloud to your closest friends and co-workers.”

At least I was smart in that regard.  Although, I sort of don’t want everyone to know my innermost feelings on infertility,  just the people that live in my computer.

What’s a girl to do?  I’ve made some new friends here that know my double-life and I hate to have ya’ll worry that you’ll call me by the wrong name there/here. So freaking time consuming and stressful.

Please tell me you have a suggestion I haven’t thought of.

Anyway, I get so frustrated I backed off the posts here.  Plus when I comment on your posts I forget who I am, Remy or XXXXX.  Which I know you love, right?  Because now you have no idea who I am.

So, the first fair thing to do is let you know if you want to know my main home, shoot me an e-mail and I’ll provide my other web address.  And then we can be confused here and there together.  Other than that, I got nothin’

Image by jadca via Flickr

Oh, it’s been one of those months.

A lot of major changes in our household which is making the world feel like it’s tilting the wrong way.

Mr. X is having a bit of a career crisis.  He’s in an industry that suffered a steep decline since 2008 when the bottom fell out of the economy.  He went from a great job, to a not so great job, to a totally crappy job.  He took a 65% pay cut over the last year.  In fact, a recent paycheck was so bad we didn’t even bother cashing it (yet).  We placed it on the refrigerator behind a mickey mouse magnet as sort of a sick reminder that YES sometimes you really can make less than if you were on unemployment.  All the while, he is working 60 hours a week for practically nothing and missing out on being home for his only son.  His blood pressure is sky-high, and I worry.

I worry.

He’s been searching and searching for a new job with no results, and now we are at a very weird place.   For the first time in his working life, he is considering walking away from a job.  I know, this sounds crazy…!!  but I am more worried about his health and ability to find another job and NOT being at the mercy of a crappy employer that is monopolizing his life for practically minimum wage.

Sigh.

On the flip side, I have a new job that will (eventually) bring in more money this year.  I took a giant promotion for two reasons:

1. to invigorate my own lagging career and provide personal gratification

2.  to make up for some of the money loss down the line if things get crazy

Which means, Mr. X could eventually become Mr. Mom at some point down the road.  Which excites me and pains me at the same time.  This isn’t exactly where I thought we would be in our early 40′s.

But when has anything we planned ever happened as we planned?

Ironically, while my mood has wavered between sadness and sheer panic, oddly I do not feel the overwhelming sense of dread.  Maybe it’s the life experience accumulated up to this point. 

This situation would have certainly broke me ten years ago.  But now?  It’s expected.  Life sometimes takes us down paths we never thought we would go.  Some rocky, some steep.  Roads with dead ends and some with wide-open straight-aways.  And some that run right up against a mountain.

Wait… I might break into a chorus from a recent Miley Cyrus tune about a mountain.

Nah, I won’t torture you.

But I am sure getting used to climbing.

I recently received an e-mail from my social worker at the agency summarizing the agency’s activities and placements for the last year. Birthmoms coming in to the program are on the increase, with a flood of matches occurring in just the last month.

As anyone invested in this journey will tell you, you just never can put a timeline on anything.  There is the long wait, matches, disappointments, more matches, failed matches… basically more uncertainty than you can shake a stick at.

When I chose this agency, it had nothing to do with volume, but more about the ethics and the people.  When I think back to the time Mr. X and I were in research mode for adoption, we attended a few meetings at some larger agencies and the net-net of those meetings had us feeling like we were just given the ultimate sales-pitch from hell.  I almost felt a bit dirty walking out of one of them, like my emotions had been manipulated.  The particular agency that irked me was run like a machine, and the social workers were glorified salespeople.  Jeez, they even had the balls to give us a 6-page ”cost-breakdown” sheet with $$$ next to every item.  And I mean EVERY ITEM.  The item I laughed at (before I tossed their encyclopedia of bullcrap) was a notation that they charge HOURLY (like an attorney) for basic communication between them and the prospective adoptive  parents.  It’s a good thing we didn’t draw any general conclusions about adoption agencies based on that one dreadful visit.  Otherwise we would not have found the little gem of an agency we did.

Our agency spends a lot of time giving total care to the birthparent(s).  As I’ve gotten to know this agency, I have only heard good comments about how detailed and caring they are to birthmoms, providing anything and everything to ensure they are cared for and that they ultimately make the decision comfortable to them, even if the decision is to parent their own child. 

 The other thing that drew us in was the shared-risk method of payment. One domestic program flat fee- no extras except the homestudy.  The fee is reduced if you fall into a lower-income category.  It is a fair concept and allows them to not have to nickel and dime their pre-adoptive parents.  I appreciate that from a budget perspective.

Meeting them was much like meeting my own family.  They were open/honest and disclosed everything about how they work. 

The downside?  Well, they are smaller.  The average wait is just a tad longer than the other, larger agencies.  Ironically,  since I am an expert at waiting, none of that bothers me much.

They have a smaller budget for advertising.  There are no glossy full-color brochures (except our profiles).  Just down-to-earth nice people who you would invite into your home without hesitation.  The reality is our agency is a well-known name in my area for 30 years and you would be hard pressed to find a person who has not heard of it.  They just don’t troll the entire universe for birthmoms.  I’m okay with that too.

My social worker once asked me, “do you care to know what number you  are?”  as in, the “waiting list” in the order they draw profiles for viewing.  “Do you want to know when you are being shown?”

And the answer, no and no.   I’m not good at rejection, and the less stressing out the better.  Truth be told, I have a general idea of how many waiting families there are, but no concept on how specific their profiles are.  The art of pulling profiles at my agency is a bit complicated as with any agency and is based on waiting time and preferences.  Of course, all bets are off if a birthmom walks in and asks to see ALL the profiles.  If they do, the social workers oblige…. and well, your 18-month average wait can easily be dramatically less.

But whatever is happening, I don’t need to know.  I’ve come to the conclusion that our baby will find us.  Eventually.

This logic seems kind crazy, no?  I mean, I went from a Type-A control freak during my infertility treatment to a low-key, call-me-when-you-have-news! kinda girl.

This process has some unexpected perks.

I have to admit,  I am still in a bit of a funk…  but then it occurred to me that it’s not unusual for this time of year.  As much as I love the impending holiday, it also means the end of 2010 is near.  The thought of reflecting on another year of loss, sadness, and missed dreams sends me into a tailspin.

And why shouldn’t it?  I can’t be the only person who watches the clock tick to midnight on New Year’s Eve and wish the year could have gone differently.  While most of the population is toasting to 2011, I’ll be doing the math.  This is year 6 without an addition to my family.

Mr. X and I haven’t been much for parties on New Year’s Eve in recent years, we end up staying home and watching THAT show on television, accompanied by copious amounts of food and drink.  The ongoing joke between us…  instead of toasting to opportunity, we toast good riddance to the year gone by and ask that the universe PLEASE be gentle to us in the coming year.  Auld Lang Syne, blah, blah.

Yeah, I know. 

Look we aren’t pessimists, just realists.  I’ve done the hoping and wishing thing for far too long.  I’m working on getting some of that mojo back, but in the meantime I am living the days with low expectations and a good sense of humor.  That way, I won’t be disappointed, and if I am I can laugh away my sorrows.

My therapist would be rolling her eyes at that last statement.

How has your journey affected your view of the New Year? 

Are you looking forward to it, or dreading it?  And if you are an eternal optimist, tell me your secret.