Remember my photo mojo problem?  As I was explaining to a friend I feel like I'm taking the same photos over and over again. Part of it is the type of photography that I do.  I don't do studio work, macro work or portraiture.  I'm not interested in those areas. I like being out and about in the city with my camera.  Yet after the second, third, fourth time I'm at the same event or location I feel like I'm just taking variations of the same picture.  I don't feel like I have a fresh perspective on things.  But I like going to these events and I like taking my camera so something else has to change.

I have been considering taking my toy cameras (Holga, Diana, Vivitar Ultra Wide & Slim) as my primary camera to events.  Using film will force me to slow down and think about the photos before I take them.  There is, at least in my mind, a certain type of subject and point of view that seems to fit film cameras that is different than the digital.  I would need to learn to see in a different way and that is the challenge.  I could go to my old events and locations with new eyes.  I even bought a new film scanner so I don't have to get prints made of everything.  So everything's in place right?

The theory is sound, but the idea of not having my digital makes me uncomfortable.  I'm afraid of missing out on something.  I know part of that is just my resistance to change, but I must say it is a pretty strong compulsion.  I like to imagine myself a year from now being like those amazing film photographers I admire, the ones whose blogs and Flickr streams are works of art. But the idea of being someone else, of leaving my comfort zone, of not knowing what the future is going to be like scares me.  Not to mention how little I really know about film or actual camera techniques for that matter.  I would have to start learning about some of this stuff and that has always been a mental road block in the past.  I just want to go out and take pictures and not have to think about the technical side.  That's one reason I was attracted to the Holga in the first place.

So I'm going to try doing small steps, something that I'm terrible at.  Terrible.  I'm the kind of person that sees all the future paths from a single action.  Or at least the kind of person that thinks she does.  This is definitely one of the reasons I'm still single.  I'm not good at just letting things happen naturally. I over analyze everything into future paralysis.  But I'm really going to try, I really am.  I made a compromise for the airshow.  I took my Vivitar one day and Diana the next and used those to take photos around the static displays.  I also took my digital and used that for photos of the performances.  I think it was a good start.  

Go with the flow.  Don't look too far down the road.  Small steps.

So here is a question.  What is your hometown?  When I hear the term hometown I think of it as the town that people grew up in, so for me my hometown is Harlingen.  But what about the city that I currently live in?  Is that also my hometown?  Can you have two hometowns?  Sometimes I want to brag on my hometown of Houston, but then I hesitate.  Is Houston really my hometown?

I know that I can call it anything I want, but I'm curious as to what you think of when you hear the term hometown.  And where are you living currently?  What do you call it?

P.S.  Obviously if you are currently living in the town you grew up in you are excused from this discussion.

P.P.S.  If this post doesn't make any sense blame the complete high that I am on from a perfect air show weekend.

Will this killer year never get better?!?  12 hour days all the time.  Aaarrrrghhh!

Actually I think things will get a lot better after next weekend.  I have a competition with my students and I have had rehearsals every morning at 7:30 and every afternoon until 4:30 since the first week in September.  If you have to do stuff after work then that pushes it really far.  I'm tired of getting ready for this contest, but this is the final push.  One more week!

Yesterday was the only day I really had a chance to go home early, but instead I stayed very late (9:00 p.m.) at work to get caught up on things.  I think that will actually make things easier not only for the rest of this week, but for next week as well.  I hope so.  I just have to make it through next Saturday and I think I'll be ok.  Please, please let me be ok otherwise this school year is going to kill me.

I had one of the best days I've had in a long time today and I'm not exactly sure why.  I don't want to analyze it to closely for fear of destroying the gossamer threads that hold it together but my curiosity is getting the better of me.

It could be like someone mentioned on my mojo photo that the cooler air really does make a difference.  When you go from 90s to 60s/70s you really notice it.  Everyone has a spring in their step and a smile on their face.  This is perfect weather.

It could be the stress of school is finally starting to ease somewhat.  If that is it then it definitely is only a temporary sensation because Region auditions are around the corner and another concert will soon be upon me.  But the fall concert is done, the school year is finally under way and I don't think I'll have to work many 12 hour days the next few weeks.  Notice I didn't say I wouldn't work any, just not as many as I have been.

I spent the day doing what I love to do.  Little errands and trips around the city.  I ate my meal for the day on the patio of Goode Co Taqueria.  I went to the museum  to see the Terra Cotta Warriors before they head off to their next destination.  I walked around the rose garden at Hermann Park.  I went to Domy Books and wandered around an antique store in the Montrose.  I stopped at the Kirby & Alabama intersection for some photos for Swamplot.  I went to Central Market.  I photographed a new toy friend.  It was fun.

So I'm not sure exactly what happened today.  Clean apartment?  That helps.  Cool air.  That helps.  Recharged by the city?  Possibly.  Getting alone time?  Maybe.  Who knows.  All I know is that I really needed to have a good day like today.  I can honestly say at this very moment, I'm happy.

The less said about last week the better.  It was my "several times a year" allergy misery.  At these times I think that all those years of allergy medications and doctor's visits have done NOTHING. But in the end I don't actually get a sinus infection and after a miserable week like the one I just had I come out of it and I have to realize that there is progress.  I used to get really sick with infections more than once a year and now I just get these bad weeks.  Still it doesn't make them any fun especially because I come home, eat my take out food (because who has the time or energy to shop or cook when you are sick), and go to bed.  My apartment looks like, well, I'm not telling you.  Let's just say, bad. 

Something else that is bothering me that is completely unrelated.  I used to read books.  I was so proud to be a reader and I could never understand non-readers and now I'm one of them.  I can't seem to finish a book anymore and it has been like this for many, many months.  Actually almost a year.  I try and try, but I can't seem to get my reading groove back.  Maybe it is hanging out with my photography groove on a beach somewhere.  So do you have any ideas?  Maybe links to something I can read online that will give me an idea of how to get my groove back? There is this article, but right now I can't seem to follow it.  Each time I think I'll get it back by starting fresh with a new book. My nightstand is piled high with half started books that were supposed to kick start my reading again. Books I can't seem to finish.  I know the answer is something like turn off the TV, close the laptop, hide the iPhone, but I can't seem to follow through.  I need some help with the follow through.

Almost exactly three months later I am finally finished editing my Chicago photos. Wow, was that a lot more of a chore than I thought it would be.  I have a feeling I won't be taking as many pictures in Panama at least in terms of photos per day.  The architecture and my love of big cities just made my camera go snap happy.  Everywhere I looked I saw something I wanted to document.  

The largest chunk of photos was what I waited last to work on and that was Millennium Park and Cloudgate.  Oh how I love Cloudgate.  If I lived there I would be at that park all the time and photographing that sculpture in all kinds of light and weather.  

It will still take a few months for everyone to see all my Chicago stuff because I will be alternating Chicago posts with other stuff that is going on.  And I guess if I was honest with myself I have a few more photos on my iPhone that I need to edit, but that won't take long.  

The final tally was 1331 photos taken and 446 made the final cut.  Whew!

This is a brain dump.  I'm just writing and doing very little editing for content, clarity or rationality.  Keep that in mind.

Starting to freak out about my Panama trip.  It suddenly occurred to me tonight that I need shots. I'll call the doctor's office in the morning, but I am terrified of doctors and doctor's visits. Having to go to the doctor makes me cry, but I was already emotionally on edge.

I finally found someone to look after my kitty.  I was so relieved that I almost started crying, because although I trust this person, I am truly worried about being so far away from my kitty. If anything were to happen I wouldn't be able to do anything about it and I probably wouldn't even be able to find out about it in a timely manner.  I am such an  über connected person that it is hard to think about being disconnected for 6 days.

In fact being disconnected is freaking me out too.  I'm addicted to my iPhone, to having internet all the time, to having access to information.  I know many would say this is your time to disconnect and enjoy your travels and meeting your family, but I never said these freak out feelings were rational or right.  Just what they are.

This doesn't even begin to cover things like not having the appropriate clothes for the tropical climate and not having the money to buy new things.  Or not learning Spanish because work has been killing me and if I didn't give myself a break on the weekends I would have found myself on the top of clock tower.  I was very close a few weeks ago to sinking completely from the stress.  But of course I'm upset at myself because I haven't made progress on the Spanish.

I am so stressed at work and I know that I won't have a real break until December and that thought makes me a little hysterical too.  This trip will not be relaxing or peaceful.  I am not a people person so the idea of having to be "on" for six days with a whole group of people that I don't know and a group of people where I don't even speak their language is exhausting just to think about, let alone go through.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for the opportunity.  This is just an overwhelming experience that I'm about to go through and I am already a basket of unmedicated anxieties and worries. This is my brain dump to get some of this stuff out of my head.  Now to try to get some sleep.  I haven't told you about the high anxiety I have about a social event I have to go to tomorrow night.  So many anxieties, so little time.

I think I'm making progress on getting life back to normal.  I caught up with RSS feeds and Flickr accounts yesterday and I've stayed caught up for 24 whole hours!  That's longer than I've made it any other time this school year.  AND I left work today at 5:20.  5:20!  I know!  AND I've caught up with The Closer.  I've had the last three episodes of the season sitting on my DVR for a few months now.  AND I'm going to bed no later than 9:15 and I might actually read a book and everything.  Progress people, progress. 

Posted this on Flickr, but wanted it here to for my records.

This is all I got that was worth anything at the Strange Fruit performance at Discovery Green.  I just wasn't feeling it that night.

Unfortunately that wasn't an isolated incident.  I don't know where my photography mojo has gone.  My first reaction is to blame the killer school year which has sucked the life out of me this year, but it isn't just that.  For a while I have felt like I'm going through the motions.  I don't feel like my photography is particularly inspiring and I'm not particularly inspired to go out and shoot.  

Sometimes I wonder if I should take a break, but that would drive my compulsive side crazy with the need to keep my photoblog running.  I'm proud of my photoblog and I don't want to take a break from it. Sometimes I think I need to focus on my film cameras to try to get some of my joy of photography back and do something completely different.  Sometimes I think I just need to get out there in the cool air (I said cool air!  Where are you cool air!) and wander around and rediscover my love of exploring Houston.  I know I used to have it.  I just don't know where it went.

I have read a lot recently about people going through this and I have even found myself telling other people that they aren't alone.  Everyone goes through it.  It will come back.  But it is still a hard thing to go through personally.  Yet I can't imagine living my life without camera in hand.