Exactly one year ago today my mum decided she couldn’t take it anymore and took her own life.  That day still feels a bit of a blur to me, like it happened to someone else and I was just watching from the sidelines.  To the point I got my dates mixed and didn’t think it was the anniversary until next week, so I wasn’t really prepared for today at all.

It’s still incredibly hard to deal with, I’m even sure where to start to deal with it.  I always knew it would end this way but it doesn’t make it any easier.  I’m sad that she’s gone, I’m sad that she felt there was no other way out.  I regret not speaking to her for 4 years and still not being on speaking terms with her before she died, which makes all of this even harder.  I always think I could have tried harder to get us back on track.  After all it was a petty, stupid argument, over a few crossed words.  The guilt still eats me up inside.

I can still remember what she looked like, how tanned her skin was, how only one fingernail was really long and the rest weren’t.  How curly her hair was to the point of being unruly and wouldn’t do a damn thing it was told.  Even worse I can remember the last words we ever spoke to each other and they weren’t nice.  Major regret.

I still have dreams about her every now and again, usually her shouting at me telling me to get away from her.  But sometimes, just sometimes we’re friends like we used be. Worse than dreams are the images I get in my head of her being desperate and alone, at the top of that viaduct and jumping off it.  The image of her lying there on the ground alone until some stranger found her at 8am on their way to work.

I don’t feel as bad as I did when I first found out she’d died, but it’s still quite painful.  Today is for remembering her, and the good times. I’ve done this in  my own way, by lighting a candle for her and remembering…….

]]> http://thepicardmaneuver.com/astralqueen/2011/11/17/one-year-on/feed/ 1 http://thepicardmaneuver.com/astralqueen/2011/11/04/my-frakking-halloween-2011/ http://thepicardmaneuver.com/astralqueen/2011/11/04/my-frakking-halloween-2011/#comments Fri, 04 Nov 2011 15:56:37 +0000 ravenshayde http://thepicardmaneuver.com/astralqueen/?p=243 Posing for the annual Colonial Calender:

Ah recruits *sighs*

I blame Starbuck entirely!

Colonial Officer at your service!

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I have a lot of responsibility in my life, 2 of the little demonic blighters whom I love dearly don’t get me wrong.  They have a beyond useless father, which means I take them along to said wrestling shows.  But after about half an hour the misbehaving starts, the constant asking for everything and anything every 5 minutes, to the infamous question of “is it finished yet?”  for the next 2 hours. Then there’s the running around afterwards when we’re waiting to leave, all of which stresses me out to the limit.  By the time I get home all I want to do is curl up in a little ball and go to sleep.

So that makes me think, why bother?  This isn’t fun anymore.  It’s giving me a ton of stress and aggravation on top of all the other stuff that is there already.  I may as well just stay home and save myself the hassle.  I’m preparing myself for being a hermit for at least ooooh the next 10 years (and yes I’m being dramatic, it’s my blog I’ll do it if I want to).  Will I miss it?  Sure I will, just like I miss not being able to train anymore.  Will anyone miss me?  I doubt it.

Everyone else seems to get to do what they want, go where they want, do stuff that’s fun, except me.  I have everyone else to consider first. It doesn’t matter what I want out of life, as long as I’m there to look after everyone else. Yeah it kinda sucks, I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually.

I seem to be permanently shattered with it all the time, which I think may be making me a tad over sensitive about everything in general. Taking things, people, comments completely out of context.  This can’t be a good thing.  If I’ve inadvertently offended anyone with this then….whoopsie (yeah I said whoopsie) I do apologise.

I miss fun, having a laugh.  Having mindless shits and giggles with friends.  I feel stuck in this very loud viscious circle surrounded by mundane routine with no point of exit.  All there seems to be is endless stress and frustration.

I can honestly say for about the past four years, I really haven’t had any form of a life except cook/clean/children, cook/clean/children, repeat until demented! I don’t get out on my own that often, usually about once a year, I barely have any friends to speak of any more due to aforementioned not going out.  I seem to be the poor bastard that has been blessed with the ex who can’t be trusted to look after his own children and create a safe environment for them.  Therefore here I am 24/7, in the same routine which is slowly driving me fucking insane.

Clearly I’m frustrated, and I take this frustration out on all the wrong people.  I really don’t know how my poor boyfriend puts up with it.  It’s really not fair on him at all, it’s not his fault. But yet I still seem to take it out on him so much so he feels I don’t want him to go out etc and the way I act makes him feel guilty about doing so.  I appear to have become “that person”.  Meaning the control freak of a girlfriend who won’t let her boyfriend go anywhere without her.  Which possibly makes me hate myself  little bit more than I already do.  I never wanted to be that person and never thought I would be.  I tried to explain this earlier, and I’m sure it either didn’t come across very well or made no sense.  This is what usually happens when I open my mouth and try to explain things.  It’s not that I don’t want him to go out, I resent it.  Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t resent him at all, never could.  I resent the fact he has his freedom and I don’t, which isn’t his fault and I shouldn’t be punishing him for it.  That needs to change and I’m trying.

I’m taking my frustration out completely the wrong person.  It’s not my boyfriend, who is wonderful by the way .  It’s HIM! Yes, HIM! The person who answers to the title of “father” to my children.  I’m angry at him.  More than angry, there may not be a word strong enough.  He can do what he wants whenever he wants without having to think about anyone else.  Essentially he has the single life.  Calls/texts about once or twice a year to find out how his children are.

At times I feel like screaming and essentially having a tantrum about how unfair it is. But I don’t it doesn’t solve anything, so the anger just builds and builds until it eventually erupts, which never really ends well.  I’m not asking for much, I’d just like a break every now and then, which is supposed to happen if you have a normal ex who can be bothered with their children, but I don’t get that.  I love my children really I do, but everyone needs a break every now and again because they’re bloody hard going most of the time.  And naive people who think a baby isn’t going to change their life?  They’re fucking idiots.

I feel trapped and I can’t breath.  I need some time for me.  As nice as it is to go out and have lunch, clock watching to make sure I won’t be late for the school run is not me having time to myself.  Kinda not the same thing really. Unless by some miracle my kids dad actually wakes up and matures nothing is going to change with this situation. It may be a good thing I don’t have contact with my ex as I’d probably punch him and not stop, I’m THAT angry with him and he hasn’t got a clue. I need to deal with the fact that there isn’t going to be time for me and try and overcome the anger/hatred that seems to be deep seated within me.  And doesn’t help to be told “get over it”.

It just feels like nobody gets it.  Which is why most of the time I keep these things to myself, apparently this is not healthy. So I’ve told the internet instead.  This is what this is for anyway to rant and vent.

A year on I was still married, until my ex husband got nagged enough to file for divorce, he went to a lawyer started the ball rolling so to speak and I heard nothing else on the matter.  2 years later and I was still married, now this comes with lots of jokes which I tend to crack a lot of the time.  It is some what amusing to tell people that have just met me that I’m still married with a boyfriend .

But in all seriousness, I don’t want any further ties with this “man” whatsoever.  So last year, I took it upon myself to go and get my own damn lawyer and get this thing done and dusted.  Now let me tell you Legal Aid is a major pain the arse!  It’s taken from October last year till just yesterday to finally get a decision from them.  Many months and a few changes of circumstances later I’ve been granted legal aid.

So all going well I shall be divorced within a couple of months wheeeeeee! I can then just pretend he doesn’t exist, which may sound harsh, but rest assured it isn’t.  For people who know me have all heard the rants, so I won’t go into one now.

I highly doubt I’ll ever get married again.  There’s no point.  I’m perfectly happy as I am.  I really don’t think I’m the marrying kind…..obviously