The Pink Growl

Cameron Update: 39 weeks old - AKA 9 months

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Tue, 22 Aug 2017 18:07:00 +0000

Well I have to admit, reading my 39 week bumpdate this morning made me cry! (To be completely fair, making me cry is not a difficult task STILL! Hormones be damned!) That was my last pregnancy post, just two short days before my precious baby boy was welcomed into this world.

As of today, he's 39 weeks old. (I'm not really a "this many weeks old person" - so let's say he will be 9 months old on the 25th) I vividly remember being 20 weeks pregnant. The half way point! Just a few weeks after we found out he was going to be a baby boy. And now here we are, I've been back at work for 5 months and Cameron is almost 22 pounds of pure joy.

There are so many things that I want to say. So many stories I want to tell. I don't think I'm going to do a "birth story" post, but I'm sure in passing I will refer back to his birth day. I will say that I had a planned induction at 39w3d, and also ended up having to get an unplanned C-section due to complications. I have never been more anxious, terrified, excited, overwhelmed in my life!!!!! But it truly was an overall wonderful experience (thankfully), and ended up being the best day of my life when my angel baby Cameron Lee was born at 4:34 pm. He was 20.5 inches long and he weighed 8lbs. 11oz. He was within 2 oz. of the anticipated weight they told me at my last ultrasound and doc appointment just two days before he was born. I remember I was so amazed by how big he was, yet how tiny at the same time. I couldn't believe that I grew him in my belly!!!!!! Still amazes me. Probably more so now, as it feels like he literally grows bigger each passing day.

11/25/16 Cameron's Birth Day

Motherhood is so much more than I even dreamed it would be. He fills up my heart in ways that I could have never imagined possible. No one can prepare you for the way every single little thing about your baby makes your heart explode. I MADE HIM!!! I stay in awe of my child. For the first few months, I kept waiting on that feeling to fade. But nope, it just continues to grow more and more.

But don't get it twisted, motherhood is HARD!!! The first three weeks were the hardest for me. I struggled to adjust to having this baby at home that depended on me for everything. I cried to my husband when he was at work that I needed him to come home and just help me. Eventually, a few weeks in, I found my stride when Cameron started sleeping 4 hour stretches. (Sleep deprivation is NO JOKE!!!!) I agonized over the looming date that I would have to go back to work. I'm lucky that I was able to take 14 weeks off, but no amount of time would have felt like enough.

I've been back at work now for about 5 months. I spend some days counting down the hours until I get to see my sweet baby again. I still struggle with the balance of being a working mom. Some days I don't find the time to get everything done, and that's ok. (When it doesn't feel like it's ok, I remind myself that it really is ok)! I'm learning to live with that. I don't have my mom to help me navigate my first adventure in motherhood, and that creeps into my mind often. I know she would be absolutely crazy over Cameron.

But overall, I think I'm doing okay as mom! It's true what "they" tell you that babies don't keep. I have tears in my eyes right this very moment thinking about how it feels like just yesterday that tiny baby was born. I truly never realized how quickly the time passes until it was my little boy growing up before my very eyes. I try so hard to be present with him and not to take this time for granted. (again, some days I do better than others)

Isn't it crazy how our babies just take over our whole hearts?? What a blessing to be chosen as Cameron's mama!

8 months old

Cameron Bumpdate: 39 weeks!

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Wed, 23 Nov 2016 14:36:00 +0000

How far along: 39 weeks today! Going back to the doctor this afternoon for my last growth ultrasound. Scheduled to be induced on Friday, if nothing happens before then.

Baby is the size of a: Watermelon, Pumpkin! All the big round things! haha My apps say he's a little over 7 lbs. I can't wait to see what they say today at the doc.

Cat or mini skateboard according to my wonderful Ovia Pregnancy app

Sleep: Sleep has been a bit more of a struggle this past week or so. I don't feel rested at all. I'm certainly sleepy and able to fall asleep but once I wake up it's harder to shut my mind off.

Total Weight Gain: I think I'm up to 31-32 lbs now. Which puts me over my ultimate goal that I only wanted to gain 30 at the most. Oh well!

Stretch Marks: None that I can see - there are plenty areas of my body that I can't see very well right now though. Out of sight, out of mind is fine by me!

Innie or Outie: Innie for the winnie!

Symptoms: I'm an emotional wreck. I cry because I'm happy, I cry because I read something sad, I cry because I'm anxious, or scared. The tears feel like a constant these days. I really don't like that!!!!! Other than that, physically I'm in really good shape. I am so thankful this pregnancy has been "easy".

Movement: My big boy is still very active. It's funny now to watch his movements when he gets going, but also a little painful.

Miss anything?: Not being constantly hot. I am sweating, or on the verge of sweating, 99% of the time. Of course we are having unseasonably warm weather for late November, but still. I can't stand it. I wish we would have a record cold snap!

Maternity Clothes: Rotating what few maternity outfits I have, and that's fine with me. Definitely ready to wear some of my normal clothes again.

Go-to eats: I'm about 50-50 on eating healthy. Not craving anything special though.

Best moment of the week: When my doctor approved me to be induced!!! I was SO happy to have an end date in sight. Of course, I have second guessed that a million times since last Friday when we scheduled it, but I am definitely ready to get this ball rolling.

Gender: BOY BOY BOY!!!!

What I’m looking forward to: Holding my baby!!!! This will be a reality in a matter of DAYS!

Milestones: I think it's a milestone to make it to 39 weeks. I have thanked God so many times that Cameron wasn't a preemie. It's definitely difficult to share your body with a growing baby, but it's such a miracle. It's so hard not to wish the time away so I can meet him face to face, but also to savor this sweet alone time that I have. It's such a personal, special experience.

You can follow me on Instagram for updates as we get closer to our due date!

Focusing on Being Thankful

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 14:58:00 +0000

When I wrote "On Becoming a New Mommy" post back in September, the birth of my child was still 10 weeks away. Honestly, 10 weeks kiiiinnnnda felt like an eternity then.

Today, I am 14 days away from my due date. That feels like insanity. I am still very much feeling a lot of the same feelings I had back in September. The same feelings I've had since Day 1 when I found out I was pregnant. I am one big juxtaposition of emotions. (Dear Lord, pleeeeeeease let me get a grip!!!)

With the holiday season quickly approaching, I'm trying to hard to be intentional about slowing down and taking things one day at a time. The holidays are tricky sometimes. I often find myself caught up in the "stress" of everything and just wishing the time would hurry up and be over. I hate that attitude. But especially now that I'm caught up in this anxiety with Cameron's due date lingering so close, I'm definitely just trying to hurry up and make things happen.

I started doing a She Reads Truth bible study this week. It's a 14 day study of the Beatitudes (Matthew 5:1-16) from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. I know that when I spend my time praying or in thanks giving instead of stressing, worrying, or crying about things that I feel a million times better. I pray all the time and thank the Lord for his blessing of my sweet baby boy. But yet immediately after, I fall back into the pattern of being anxious and sometimes overwhelmed. Clearly, I'm not being intentional enough in my time with God. I'm not taking a deep breath and letting myself feel the comfort that ONLY HE CAN OFFER ME. Basically, I'm praying almost to check it off my list that hey, I prayed and thanked God for Cameron today. CHECK, DONE... hmmm why don't I feel better? You know what I mean?

So Day 1 of this SRT study, helped me to slooooooow down, breathe deep, and just feel the word of God rush through me. There is literally nothing that can even come close to that feeling. Day 1 talked about how as Christians, we are the salt and light of the Earth. I'm 100% not being that lately because I am so bogged down with my feelings. It went on to say ---
"As we study this short but impactful passage at the beginning of Matthew 5, may our hearts assume a posture of gratitude toward the God who grants us His very Kingdom through the life, death, and resurrection of His Son. And as we give thanks for the blessings that are secured for us in Christ, may we be quick to scatter the knowledge of Jesus to those around us."

My job is to take this world that can often make me suffer, and make me feel inferior, and SHOW it that I will not fall for that crap. Nobody ever promised me this life would be easy - and it hasn't been easy for me. I have to remember the TRUTHs from God's word. I am not setting out to achieved blessedness from God. I AM ALREADY BLESSED through his sacrifice. Why do I so often forget that? Why am I struggling to keep that thought at the forefront of my mind?

Focusing on being thankful seems to be a struggle that I come back to constantly. I know I've talked about it on here many times, and I'm sure people in my life roll their eyes when I say I'm struggling with it again. Surrendering my SELF and allowing His grace to cover me proves to be a continual battle.

1 Chronicles 16:34 (NLT): "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! His faithful love endures forever."

I should have that tattooed on my forehead, or the backs of my hands, or wherever it would take for me to see it 100 times a day.

I try to make things more complicated than they really are with my "what if's" and my over thinking. I had gotten so much better about this for a period in my life, then since I've been pregnant my worries have increased. It has to stop. Uncertainty does not come from the Lord.

I am blessed far beyond anything I deserve. My Savior lives, and He offers me redemption after redemption when I forget the real deal. He has fulfilled the desires of my heart in incredibly abundant ways in the past two years. I am about to become a mother, smack dab in the middle of this holiday season. That irony is not lost on me. God is calling me closer to him. I must surrender these anxious, fearful feelings and remember that He's got me covered. Remember that HE CHOSE ME to be Cameron's mommy, to be Lee's wife, to be Lily's stepmom, to be everything that I am right now and to be exactly where I'm supposed to be.

It's my job to try my best to live out God's word. I'm an ugly person when I focus on myself. My prayer is that this holiday season I can focus on 1 Chronicles 16:34 and be encouraged by the sweet sweet truth that is in those words. Simple as that!

Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday with your families! Within the next two weeks, I will have a precious bundle of baby boy love to share with you!!!! XOXO

Cameron Bumpdate: 37 weeks!

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Thu, 10 Nov 2016 13:36:00 +0000

How far along: 37 weeks - THREE WEEKS LEFT!!!! O!!!!M!!!!G!!!!!!

Baby is the size of a: "Winter Melon" is the traditional size comparison at 37 weeks. Also, allegedly he's approximately 6.5 lbs. I'm taking the over on that one, considering he was 2 oz. shy of 6 lbs 3 weeks ago at my last ultrasound.

Skunk or tackle box size according to my Ovia Pregnancy app

Sleep: I feel very lucky that I've still been sleeping semi-normally. I still have to get up in the middle of the night, and changing positions has become very uncomfortable, but I'm able to go back to sleep pretty quickly when I wake up. Averaging at least 7 hours a night. Trying to enjoy that these last few weeks of sleeping!!!

Total Weight Gain: 29 lbs. My face feels very round at this point.

37w1d

Stretch Marks: None that I can see - there are plenty areas of my body that I can't see very well right now though. Out of sight, out of mind is fine by me!

Innie or Outie: Innie for life!!! I'm so happy I've managed to maintain my innie. I was a little freaked out by the thought of it popping out.

Symptoms: A little swelling in my hands, my rings feel tight in the evening if I don't drink enough water during the day. Emotional fatigue. Is that even a thing?? Some days I am so anxious, mixed with excited, mixed with feeling unprepared that I become overwhelmed. Some days I'm able to get out of my own head and go with the flow better. My emotional health has struggled far greater than my physical health throughout my pregnancy. Hormones are killer!

Movement: 100% Definite alien-like movements now! Large body parts that pop up out of my stomach. A little painful, but also the coolest thing in the world to watch happen. The feet jabs to my ribs can bring tears to my eyes. I know will miss it so so much though!!

At my 37 week doctor's visit they told me we have no progress, no dilation, nothing. A little disappointing, but then again we do still have 3 weeks to go. (of course I got upset because what doesn't make me upset right now!) They reminded me that everything can change very quickly so just focus on being healthy and relaxing until he's ready. (IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE TO RELAX AT THIS STAGE IN THE GAME???)

Miss anything?: Not being a cry baby all the time. My emotions are HIGH right now! Anxiety mixed with baby to deliver a baby hormones are tough on a girl!

Maternity Clothes: Whatever fits right now is what I'm wearing! Not always looking the cutest, but flowy tunic dresses are a saving grace because I can wear them post baby too. My husband's tshirts are by far still my most favorite item of clothing.

Go-to eats: Trying to drink lots and lots of water. (Even though it makes me use the bathroom a million times a day.) It helps me fight off any little bit of heartburn, keeps swelling away and helps my skin feel moisturized.

Best moment of the week: My nesting is FULL FORCE right now. It's wonderful to have the energy to get things situated and cleaned up around the house. I sat down the other day and cleaned out all of our floor vents with q-tips. Finished all of Cameron's laundry too and put the final touches on his nursery too.

Gender: BOY BOY BOY!!!!

What I’m looking forward to: We are so close to seeing his sweet face in person! I can ALMOST imagine it happening. A couple of my friends who have been pregnant along side with me have had their babies and that's very surreal to know that our time is coming soon!

Milestones: Had my pre-registration appointment at the hospital this week after my 37 wk doc appointment. All registered and ready to go for when baby Cam is ready to arrive!

You can follow me on Instagram for updates as we get closer to our due date!

Another Day, Another Dollar, Another Year Older

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 14:12:00 +0000

I just celebrated another birthday last week on September 18th. (For the record I started writing this post in September - yet somehow now it's October 25th and I'm just now posting it...a month later... LIFE!)

I didn't turn a milestone age or anything like that, but I would definitely say I'm coming off a record year or two. Losing my mom, Getting engaged, getting married, finding out I'm pregnant - all within a whirlwind amount of time. "Record" to me, meaning unlike any other and unable to be compared to any other. The age of 30/31 was the purest definition of a record year. I'm not sure any other year of my little life has been more significant in shaping the "adult" me.

It's comical to me when I look back on the past few years of my life. I just KNEW that 30 was going to be the year that changed my life forever. And I guess, in a round about sort of way, things did change a whole lot. God pushed me to lots of uncomfortable places when I was 30. I loathed the idea of being " a 30 year old", but I took solace that my life was in His hands and He was 100% guiding me where I needed to be. He taught me to learn to believe that the best things were yet to come (and they truly were). But as with any period of massive growth, there were hardships endured too. The hardest thing ever, actually, when I lost my mom in April 2015. God's timing is truly something to be in awe of though. I can only see that now, a year and half later as a I look back on how things played out.

My faith has played a gigantic role in molding me into this more "adult" version of myself. That's how I like to think of myself anyhow - the more adult version of who I used to be. It's ok if you know me in real life and you just literally LOLed at me calling myself an adult at all :) God changed everything for me after a traumatic breakup in 2012, and while I still think I retained pieces of my former self; I feel like a much different person than I was before that happened. And I mean that in the best way possible.

I started looking through my Instagram account (because you know, I'm so wise in my old age) to see if I could pinpoint any so-called lessons I've learned throughout the past year. Just wanted to share some of those with you today!

Basically, there are reminders that I need every single year. And probably will need every single year for the rest of my life. I sometimes have a comparison problem, which is also linked to a worrying about how people will think of me problem. It's forever going to be about not getting caught up in life's hustle and just stopping to breathe, be grateful and allow yourself to feel blessed. I probably need someone to tell me that everyday.

The only new lesson this year is "Growing tiny humans is exhausting" because let's face it, it really is! I had no idea! But we'll save that for another post.

Here's to another year of needing Jesus, needing support and love and making memories!

Cameron Bumpdate: 34 weeks!

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Fri, 21 Oct 2016 15:36:00 +0000

How far along: 34 weeks - 6 weeks left to go! Found out yesterday they are not moving my due date up, even though Cameron has been measuring consistently ahead. We are going to let him come when he's ready!

Baby is the size of a: GIANT BABY! Cameron is roughly 5 lbs 14 oz currently, according to my last ultrasound yesterday. That size makes me feel like we won't make it all the way until his due date... but what do I know!!!

Sleep: I'm still sleeping between 7-8 hours a night, just not feeling well rested most of the time. If I'm being completely honest, my mind wonders more than I should allow it to when I'm trying to fall back asleep after I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Total Weight Gain: 24 lbs

Stretch Marks: None yet.

Innie or Outie: Innie for life!!!

Symptoms: I get out of breath so easily. My lips and face are very dry too. Other than normal little aches and pains by the end of the day, I'm not struggling too much. Some days feel hard and I feel like I've gained 50 lbs and want to cry over everything, but there are really good normal days too. Such is life in the emotional roller coaster of the 3rd trimester! :)

Movement: He is finally head down! His feet are still facing the left side of my ribs and I still get kicked QUITE A BIT right there! He was moving all around showing off during our last ultrasound yesterday. Movement = healthy baby so I am happy with that! I know I will miss this feeling!

Miss anything?: My normal hormone levels. I've been all kinds of emotional the past couple of weeks. I hate crying over the smallest things, then feeling silly after.

Maternity Clothes: Full force maternity clothes. Finally found a pair of jeans. No longer wearing pants with buttons.

Go-to eats: Not really having any cravings right now. Eating full meals makes me uncomfortable because there's no room for food in my belly. I do still have a sweet tooth though. I'll be surprised if I make it out of this pregnancy without any cavities.

Best moment of the week: Seeing my sweet baby boy's face again after 10 looooong weeks. He looks more like his daddy every time we get to see him. If you can look at this picture without obsessing over his lips and cheeks then you are far stronger than I am. I have probably obsessed over these pictures a million times in the past couple of days.

Gender: Confirmed by ultrasound for the final time that we are having a baby boy!

What I’m looking forward to: I'm getting a prenatal massage next week and I could not be more excited!!!!!!!! My back really feels the pressure of my large baby and this extra weight by the end of the day so I am looking forward to some much needed pampering here at the end.

Milestones: Weekly doctor appointments until he decides to make his appearance in this world!

You can follow me on Instagram for updates as we get closer to our due date! I doubt I'll be blogging after he gets here and while I'm on maternity leave. I hope once I'm back at work I'll try to post updates though.

Cameron Bumpdate: 32 Weeks!

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Fri, 07 Oct 2016 12:27:00 +0000

How far along: 32 weeks - 8 weeks to go. SINGLE DIGIT WEEKS LEFT
IS THIS REAL LIFE RIGHT NOW??????????

Baby is the size of a: A naked tailed armadillo (Ovia Pregnancy App) or a head of lettuce (What to Expect app). Doctor told me yesterday they think he is roughly 4.5 lbs - give or take a couple ounces. Still measuring about a week and a half ahead.

Sleep: I'm pretty sleepy these days. It really doesn't take much to make me tired right now. The tossing and turning struggle has begun. The bigger my belly gets, the harder it is to turn over in the middle of the night and it becomes something that wakes me up. Still getting decent sleep though.

Total Weight Gain: 20-21 lbs. Definitely feels like more.

Practicing my tired mama look because most days in the evenings that's how I feel

Stretch Marks: None yet.

Innie or Outie: Innie for life!!!

Symptoms: I.AM.SO.PREGNANT!!!!!! The past week has been more comfortable than the previous week. I think we went through a growth spurt around week 30-31 and mama could not get comfortable. Maybe I've just gotten used to that feeling now? But for whatever reason it's been better.

Movement: I'm starting to worry if my sweet boy will ever sleep once he arrives in this world. He seems to move pretty much constantly still - even though he's for sure running out of room and his movements are getting verrrrry uncomfortable for mommy.

Miss anything?: Plenty of things!!!!!! I would love a margarita right about now...

Maternity Clothes: Currently have two pairs of maternity pants in my work wardrobe - thank you Old Navy! The jeans I ordered didn't even come close to fitting right so I still need to invest in a pair of maternity jeans. (But I will say I ordered those jeans from Zulily and they have the BEST customer service!) Still rocking leggings, maxi skirts, dresses or yoga pants when at all possible! Comfort is everything!

Go-to eats: I had a random craving for relish this week. I saw a bottle of it and I had the urge to squirt all of it in my mouth. Just sounded so good at the time.

Best moment of the week: Always good to hear my baby's heartbeat and get props from the doctor on our health. He is healthy and growing like crazy, my BP is perfect still, and even though I'm achy I haven't had to deal with any swelling or real health issues. I might be struggling some days to feel great, but I am keeping my baby healthy and that's all that matters!

Gender: BOY!!! We will confirm that next week with one last ultrasound before he gets here.

What I’m looking forward to: The countdown is officially on until we get to see him, hold him and love on him. We are trying to enjoy these last few weeks as a family of 3, but we are all so excited to see our baby too!

Milestones: Tying my shoes is a milestone for me these days. I broke a sweat earlier this week trying to bend over and put my sandals on.

Cameron Bumpdate: 30 weeks!

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Fri, 23 Sep 2016 12:30:00 +0000

How far along: 30 weeks - 10 (or maybe less) to go! I remember (before I ever dreamed of getting pregnant) hearing women say they were 30 weeks along and thinking "wow almost there!". I go back and forth between that feeling and like it's still pretty far away.

Baby is the size of a: Motorcycle helmet or platypus (according to my Ovia pregnancy app). Large cabbage based on normal fruit/veggie comparisons.

Sleep: Still getting enough most of the time. Some days I feel first trimester kind of tired though so that's draining.

Total Weight Gain: 17-17.5 lbs, Doctor was happy with that amount and the distribution of my weight at my 30 week appt. I wish it was a little less, but ehhhh I can't complain since I'm not working out right now.

Stretch Marks: None yet.

Innie or Outie: Innie for life!

Symptoms: Rib jabs all day, every day. Wearing a real bra is getting verrrrry uncomfortable due to said rib jabs. General body aches/pains/discomfort that come with being this far along.

Movement: He's still a mover and a shaker. My doctor said this will probably change in a couple weeks once he turns out of breach position and won't have as much range of motion.

Miss anything?: Breathing normally. I've struggled most of the 2nd trimester with my ability to breathe - of course it's been hotter than 3 hells this summer and humid as ever- which doesn't help. Now that he's even bigger and things are even more crowded, breathing regularly is getting harder. Lots of deep breaths!

Maternity Clothes: Broke down last week and ordered some maternity clothes from Old Navy and Zulily. My favorite thing is still my husband's tshirts.

Go-to eats: I've really been trying to drink a ton of water. I can feel the dehydration if I don't get enough. Ice cream is still a favorite too haha plus it helps with my heartburn!

Best moment of the week: Hearing his heartbeat at my 30 week doc visit. Always makes me so happy to hear it!

Gender: BOY!!!

What I’m looking forward to: Seeing my sweet boy's face in few weeks at my 34 week ultrasound. I haven't seen him in like a month and I miss his face!

Milestones: I'm going to be in a wedding next weekend - at 31 weeks pregnant - and I have mixed feelings about being a pregnant bridesmaid. It's one of my oldest friends though so I am so happy to be a part of her big day. Cameron's first wedding!

On Becoming a New Mommy...

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Mon, 19 Sep 2016 12:59:00 +0000

I need to word vomit, and ramble and maybe cry? Not sure about the crying - some days yes, some days no. (HORMONES!) I just need a steady stream of consciousness with how I feel - good, bad and ugly 3rd trimester edition.

Pretty sure I also just a little bit need some reassurance and someone to tell me to CHILL!! Probably that more than anything else.

But first, here's a glance at how much my baby boy has grown in the past 10 weeks! Only 10 more to go!!! I cannot believe how fast the time has flown by.

holy baby bump!

Don't say I didn't warn you...

As a soon-to-be new mommy, I am reading what feels like hundreds of articles and tidbits of information daily. There is so much information related to pregnancy and children to digest, in a very small amount of time! It can certainly feel overwhelming. (Much like being pregnant itself can feel overwhelming at times.) Every single day of this journey, I have felt thankful for this gift of my child. That being said, as we get closer to the due date of my little man I do feel anxious. The fear of the unknown is very real.

When I was in my younger-mid 20's, I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids. Maybe it was who I was dating at the time and their agenda that I had adopted, but regardless I often said out loud that I wasn't really sure about the whole having kids thing.

Now?

At the age of 31 and pregnant with my first child, I would give anything to go back to being in my 20's to get this party started. However, as my husband likes to remind me, if I had started then it wouldn't have been with him and this whole story would end up looking totally different. Good point! I have to remind myself (quite a bit some days) that everything is happening exactly the way that God intended for everything to happen. More specifically, that God has already written every single day of my baby boy's life and the best part about that is? He chose ME to be Cameron's mom. He knows I can do this and I'm the only person who has what it takes to be my child's mother.

It's hard for me to fathom that I was once the girl who said she didn't want kids. Or even the fact that I was lukewarm to the idea of it all. Oh how time can change us! These days I am more than mildly obsessed with this little boy growing in my belly. My every thought revolves around him, and my time is spent trying to savor each little kick as he navigates around inside my belly. I could literally sit for hours and watch/feel him move, or watch my husband and stepdaughter talk to him or feel him move in response to them. He just has no idea how loved he is already!!

Sure, a baby changes things. Actually, a baby changes absolutely everything. It's probably going to rock my world. I think no amount of preparation could ever get us ready for his arrival. No amount of me thinking, "HOLY $HIT CAN I REALLY DO THIS?" is going to make feel more ready.

One thought lingering around my mind these days is can I really mother without my mother? I know that I am not the first person in the world to experience the birth of their first child without their mother. But sometimes that is really heavy on my heart. We take each day without my mom and we navigate what the day brings us. The milestones are hard. Planning your wedding to a man your mother never met is hard. Revealing your pregnancy to your family and remembering how much my mom wanted to have grandkids is hard. I do know for a 100% a fact that if my mom was still here, she would be driving me absolutely crazy. (Sorry mom, but you know It's the truth!) Even though she was a flawed parent (aren't we all?), my mom had 4 kids and I know I would be able to count on her right now. To talk me through things, to ease my fears, to be another family member to deeply love my child. I think a lot of it has to do with the feelings of overwhelming love that I'm feeling and will forever feel for Cameron, as my first born child. I was my mom's first born child and she always told me how special that was - that, and the fact that I was her only girl. I wish so badly I could just talk to her right now and unload all these feelings. I know she would have a way of putting me at ease.

People tell me it's "normal" to feel the things I feel. However "normal" it can be to feel the absolute most excited, yet completely terrified about something at the very same time...

I need to step back, take a DEEEEEP breath and focus on the things I can control. My attitude, my responses to others, my actions. I am in love with growing this baby inside of my body. It's truly mind blowing and the absolute biggest blessing in this life. I do not want to take a single day for granted that I get to carry this baby and the sheer fact I am growing him in my body. It's such a miracle! I am blessed with a healthy, happy pregnancy. Sure, there are days when I feel like screaming WTF at my body or feel overwhelmed, but that's life. I've remained healthy, and my baby is healthy and growing. I can't even put into words how thankful I am for my husband. I know I've probably taken him for granted a lot lately, but he's been wonderful. Bless his heart for having to deal with me!! I choose to remain grateful in the face of fear. I have so much to be thankful for, and that's where my focus needs to be. I am guilty of letting negativity creep into my mind and control my thoughts.

Hopefully when Satan decides to quit breathing his hot summer air around me, I'll feel much better. Being 7 1/2 months pregnant in the summer is for the birds!!!!!!!! HA! I need to look into yoga or meditation. As thankful as I am for carrying this child, he sure does love to hang out right under my ribs and it hurts like crazy! Love you Cameron, but I need you to reposition yourself.

I told y'all - I'm crazy right now!!

Cameron Bump Date: 28 weeks!

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Wed, 07 Sep 2016 19:15:00 +0000

How far along: 28 weeks - Officially in the 3rd trimester now - 12 weeks to go!

Baby is the size of a: Tropical coconut, rollerblade (according to my Ovia Pregnancy app)
Eggplant according to the typical fruit comparisons. Went to the doctor yesterday and he is still measuring a little over a week ahead of his due date. I think it's starting to feel cramped in there for my big boy!

Pink shirt is 27 weeks vs. black shirt is 28 weeks
(even though he looks bigger in the pink because I think that color just highlights the bump!)

Sleep: About the same - still getting enough most nights, but I am starting to feel more sluggish in general from carrying around some extra weight.

Total Weight Gain: 16 lbs total at 7 months pregnant. Within the "normal" range, but definitely feeling the extra weight I'm carrying around. Still thinking it's mostly belly/boobs weight gain though. (maybe wishful thinking!)

Stretch Marks: None yet.

Innie or Outie: I check my belly button every morning and night - still an innie!

Symptoms: OH THE HEARTBURN!!!!!!!! Take it away, Jesus!

Luckily, no swelling yet. My back and tummy are just a little stiff/sore on a more regular basis now, but still nothing awful. I probably complain more than I should, because I have been really blessed with a healthy pregnancy. So thankful for that!

Movement: All the time. Makes me happy that he's so active. He's getting so big and running out of room that the elbow jabs are starting to get uncomfortable at times though. We are on the verge of it feeling alien-like.

Miss anything?: I have totally slacked on working out since I've been farther along in my pregnancy. I do miss a good gym session! I'm sure it would make me feel better too if I could make it to the gym.

Maternity Clothes: Still rocking all my regular clothes. The need for maternity pants is REAL though! Even the hairband trick for my pants is wearing out it's welcome right now. Most of my bras are extremely uncomfortable at this point too. My favorite part of the day is coming home, taking my bra off and putting on my husband's t-shirts.

Go-to eats: I am really focused on trying to eat healthier this last leg of the pregnancy. 2nd trimester, I kinda just ate whatever I wanted. I want to do better for both myself and Cameron here at the end - and for the sake of my growing waist line!

Best moment of the week: Well I had my glucose test this week so I was a nervous wreck! And I had to get my first Rhogam shot for my negative blood type... neither one of those were the best moments haha!

The best moment of the week is probably scheduling all of my doctor's appointments through my due date. Every two weeks for the next month, then every week until he gets here. It absolutely is blowing my mind that he will be here SO SOON! But it's wonderful and so exciting to think about him being here!

Gender: BOY!!!

What I’m looking forward to: Seeing my baby boy again in a couple weeks at my next ultrasound at my 32 week doctor visit. My shower is this Friday, 9/9 so I'm excited to finish the little touches in his room after that's over with.

Milestones: We put his crib and changing table in his room last weekend. Hitting the 3rd trimester is a HUGE milestone. It almost makes me sad that it's gone by so fast! But then again that means he will be here SOON!

Cameron Bump date: 26 weeks!

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Fri, 26 Aug 2016 14:39:00 +0000

How far along: 26 weeks! 14 weeks to go!

Is it just me or that is __ weeks to go number getting scarier?????

Baby is the size of a: Bowling pin, butternut squash... He weighs a little over 2 lbs right now. Found out at my 24 week appt that he's measuring a little big and about a week ahead of his due date. He's mama's big, healthy boy!

Sleep: I wouldn't say I'm getting the best sleep of my life... but for the most part I'm still getting enough sleep. I'm having a harder time falling back to sleep if I wake up more than anything.

Total Weight Gain: only 1 lb. since my last doctor's visit at 24 weeks - between 10-11 lbs total. At 6 1/2 months pregnant, that's not so bad! I am loving my baby bump though!! I'm still pre- 3rd trimester so even though some evenings I'm uncomfortable, it's not a constant feeling yet.

from Instagram

Stretch Marks: None yet. Bought some Bio Oil this week to use in addition to my lotion regimen.

Innie or Outie: My innie is still hanging in there!

Symptoms: Little bit of bloody noses, soreness in my lower back muscles by the end of the day from this growing belly. Other than that, feeling pretty great still!

Movement: Non-stop. He is a wild little man!

Miss anything?: I miss being able to jump out of bed in the mornings without getting a sharp pain in my lower belly! Other than that, I've gotten used to the usual things you miss when you're pregnant.

Maternity Clothes: Still none... my wardrobe is definitely restricted right now though. It's 90-plus degrees and 10000% humidity here right now, so dresses are a must. Pants = the devil.

Go-to eats: I haven't really been craving anything in particular this week. My appetite has leveled off some, thankfully.

Best moment of the week: It's been a pretty good week. The time is starting to fly by (I'm told it will slow down again once I get well into my 3rd trimester). Bought a 2nd diaper bag option this week so we will have to rotate between/choose from.

Gender: BOY!!! Confirmed for the 3rd time by ultrasound

What I’m looking forward to: Seeing my boy's sweet face and kissing on him! So far he's looking EXACTLY like his daddy and not so much like his mommy. Definitely Daddy's full lips and chin.

Milestones: We finished painting Cameron's room last weekend, ready to get everything situated in there. Seeing my belly bounce around like crazy vs. just being able to feel him moving. We are in the single digit countdown days until we get to meet our baby boy!

Cameron Bump Date: 24 weeks!

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 14:46:00 +0000

How far along: 24 weeks! 16 weeks to go! Woke up this morning 6 months pregnant! That feels like a whole lot to this first timer, but I'm definitely at that point in my pregnancy where I FEEL pregnant all the time now. Not in a bad way though.

Baby is the size of a: An Atlantic puffin bird, GI Joe, eggplant (I like the comparisons on my Ovia pregnancy app MUCH better than the typical fruit ones!)

Sleep: Still pretty good! Sometimes it's harder to fall back asleep between 3:30-5:30a when I have to get up to pee. He's so active at that time, I just want to feel him move instead of getting more sleep. But usually I can manage falling back to sleep before my alarm goes off. Between the heat and weight gain, I do feel more tired now than I have the past couple of months.

Total Weight Gain: Hovering around 9lbs. total right now. Mostly belly. A little in my face and hips area too. Trying not to focus on the weight gain, just the amazing blessing that I'm growing!

Last week (don't mind my filthy mirror that makes it look like I have a huge zit!)

This morning - 24 weeks - officially 6 months!

Stretch Marks: None yet!

Innie or Outie: Innie

Symptoms: Some round ligament pain when I roll over suddenly or try to get up too quickly, but not too bad. My face has been broken out again the past week or so (I have all the eye rolls for that symptom!).

Movement: I feel him moving all throughout the day now. He "kicked" me the other day, and it was so intense that it stopped me dead in my tracks. I felt like I was instantly going to pee my pants. My boy is getting bigger and stronger for sure!

Miss anything?: The usual suspects - excessive caffeine, alcohol. Been missing some of my favorite sushi lately too!

Maternity Clothes: Still haven't broken down and bought any pants yet. Trying to make do through August, and then buy a couple pants for cooler weather in the fall when I will be the biggest and need the most. Mostly sticking with dresses/skirts these days for work, and yoga pants and my husband's tshirts at home.

Go-to eats: I've been eating too much!!!!!! I have indulged myself a little much the past month, and I can tell by the scale. I haven't been craving much in particular though. One day I want one thing and another day I want something different. All normal things that I already liked before I was pregnant though. After dinner snacks have been my weakness.

Best moment of the week: Finally found a diaper bag that I loved and my sweet mother-in-law is going to buy it for us! Can't wait to get it.

Gender: BOY!!!!! Confirmed twice by ultrasound now. No denying that he's a boy!

What I’m looking forward to: Seeing him next Monday at my 24 week doctor appointment!!

Milestones: Hitting the 6 month mark feels like a huge milestone! Invites were sent out for my baby shower, and we are still planning everything for that. It's very exciting! I'm sure once we have all the baby stuff, it will feel more real!

Cameron Bump Date: 22 Weeks!

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Fri, 29 Jul 2016 17:32:00 +0000

I am going to try to consistently do these bump updates, at least every couple of weeks. I know I will love to look back on them later.

How far along: 22 weeks! 18 weeks to go! Time is starting to go by much faster now.

Baby is the size of a: Papaya/Corn on the cob/1 lb. bag of sugar (these analogies kill me, I don't like the fruit ones at all!)

Sleep: I'm still sleeping pretty great. Not tired all day anymore, but definitely ready for bed when it's bed time. I have to get up to pee between 3-4am, and sometimes I struggle with going back to sleep then.

Total Weight Gain: 7 lbs right now total. 3 lbs since my 20 week doc visit on 7/15, which is hard to swallow.

Stretch Marks: None yet. I am slathering myself in all the lotions I can possibly find day and night because this child is soaking up ALLLLL my moisture.

Innie or Outie: Innie still. Although I do think it's gotten wider?

Symptoms: Out of breath constantly. It's like 100% humidity in East TN these days, so that's not helping me breathe any easier. Tiny tinges of heartburn in the afternoon lately, but I think that's more diet related.

Movement: Pretty consistent. He's a morning mover, so maybe he will be a morning person, like his mama! He loves to move around during that 3a-6a time frame when I get up to use the bathroom and wake up for work. Also, consistent movement when I'm really hungry (HELLO MOM FEEEEEED ME!).

Miss anything?: Alcohol (judge me, I don't care). I miss it!

Maternity Clothes: None yet. But buying some soon because my pants are getting tighter.

Go-to eats: This past week I wanted to eat ALL THE THINGS! McDonald's French fries, salty chips, ice cream and frozen cokes (all junk) have been recent cravings. I'm just feeling hungry in general! Trying to eat healthier meals with a little junk snack if that's what I'm craving.

Best moment of the week: Having my husband take my toenail polish off because it's too annoying to smush my stomach and lean over to do it myself.

Gender: BOY!!!!! Confirmed twice by ultrasound now. No denying that he's a boy!

What I’m looking forward to: Seeing his room come together. The huge shipment from Carter's that I ordered this week to arrive. Seeing him again at my 24 week visit in August.

Milestones: We registered last night! It's very overwhelming to register for your first baby. Too many options of everything. But it was exciting too! The more stuff we buy for him, the more real it becomes.

In typical slacker fashion, I haven't taken a 22 week picture yet... Will add that later to this post or post on Instagram this weekend.

Half Way There!

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Wed, 13 Jul 2016 14:31:00 +0000

Today marks the 20 week point in my pregnancy! HALF WAY THERE!!!! If you follow me on Twitter or Instagram then it's not shocking news. Pretty sure this is the first even slightest mention of being pregnant on the blog so it might come as a little bit of a surprise for some of you though...

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!

I'm having a precious baby boy at the end of November!

There were days in the wee early weeks of this pregnancy thing that I thought these would be the longest 9 months of my life. Probably because the sickness would just never end. But here we are, smack dab in the middle of this beautiful journey. I'm no longer sick, and the days are starting to go by much faster.

Also, I'm basically a failed blogger since I keep making promises that I can't keep in regards to pretending like I'm going to come back and do this blogging thing again. I have no idea how I ever found the time to make it happen so frequently in years past!!!! But I did want to have some sort of documentation while I'm pregnant so I felt a post was warranted.

Being pregnant is just like any other life experience, meaning that you cannot fully appreciate or understand it until you go through it yourself firsthand. It's a fine line with being sensitive to friends for whom pregnancy is a painful topic, which I totally understand - but also needing to vent about these crazy, weird things happening to you! I heard friends talk about this infamous "morning sickness". (Liars. No one ever told me about all day sickness.) You hear people make jokes about how emotional pregnant women can be. (I never realized that I would sometimes feel ALL THE EMOTIONS at once. One cannot even prepare for this because how in the hell would you be able to???) You're sick, you're exhausted, you can't drink alcohol or caffeine (even though I do have a Coke every now and then), and you're a hangry emotional roller coaster - basically you're a blast to be around! HAHA!

On a serious note, most of that stuff has calmed down quite a bit since I'm well into my 2nd trimester now. It's completely insane to think that I only have about a month left in this 2nd trimester! Now is the time when being pregnant has suddenly become very real. I felt my baby move last weekend y'all!!!! It does not get more real than that! Every single moment of sickness was absolutely worth it to feel my tiny human move inside my belly. Probably not even a full on a kick, but just a hint of a movement from him and I was sobbing. I just cannot seem to fully grasp the fact that this is MY CHILD. (Yeah yeah, I know technically he's my husband's child too, but really this little guy will be a mama's boy. I just know it!) It's THE most exciting, terrifying, humbling experience I've ever been through. And there's so much more to go through as we get closer to November.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything right now. Everybody says to take it all in because it goes by so fast. Most days I do feel overly excited. There are moments of fear, naturally. I'm trying my hardest to trust that God has me in this position to become a mother for a reason. He knows that I can handle this journey. It can be too easy - not just in being pregnant, but in any season of life - to allow ourselves to be overcome with self pity when we are lonely, or frustration when other people push their opinions on us, or even hateful for not really any good reason at all. I've had plenty of those moments that sometimes have turned into full days of emotions. The important thing for me right now is to try and remain overwhelmed with gratitude that I get to be my little boy's mama. A child is the biggest blessing! No matter how anyone else feels about it. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world these days, and I want to live out that feeling every single day.

Now help me to remember these words when I'm feeling hormonal! :)

5 On a Friday!

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 13:56:00 +0000

Since I have been on my bloggy hiatus, I wasn't sure if Five on Friday was still a thing! But I was so excited when I saw this post from Natasha that showed me it was still alive and well!

{ONE}

Has this felt like the longest week or two ever? Or is that just me??? I think I'm experiencing post wedding blues. For months, my life was planning this event and now I'm just kind of existing. Don't get me wrong, I have PLENTTTTTY I could be doing at work, but instead I'm here. You know those ruts we fall into sometimes. Basically I want to be spending my days soaking up the sunshine on patios with my husband instead of being trapped in my office. I need some weekend in my life!!!

{TWO}

I ordered myself a wand. No, not the Harry Potter kind (even though I do need one of those babies). A curling wand! I had one years ago and could never really get the hang of it, so I gave it away. I feel like I kept seeing all these bloggers and promotions on Instagram for NuMe products and they gave me an AMAZING deal so I took it. It came in last night so we'll see how well I can use it this weekend. Might be a good Mother's Day gift too for anybody in the market! (I got the Magic 25MM in pink!)

{THREE}

We are in the midst of house hunting. I say that with both excitement and exhaustion. The housing market is not great in the town we live in. I love looking at houses with potential, but I am just not the fixer upper type. I really want to build a house! But speaking of Fixer Upper, I'm currently obsessed with Chip & Joanna. Late the bandwagon, per usual. They are so funny, so cute, and so talented! What a power couple!

{FOUR}

So even though I'm an old married lady now, I'm still the same old me. Meaning I'm still obsessing over the Real Housewives of everywhere. I wasn't really sold on Potomac, but I am reallllllly loving Dallas! Plus Erika Jayne from Beverly Hills is my new favorite person. She is absolutely a no nonsense person and doesn't make apologies for who she is. She was a GREAT addition to that cast.

And my RHONY girls are back. i gotta admit that I miss Heather though. And while we are talking about Bravo can I just plug Southern Charm? I swear that's probably one of my most favorite Bravo shows! I cannot get enough of it. OH THE DRAMA WITH KATHRYN & THOMAS!!!!! Something might be legit wrong with me that I am on this level with Bravo. My husband says that Andy Cohen rules my life. It's true, he does.

{FIVE}

I know I've said "my husband" 100x in this post. You'll have to forgive me. I'm kind of obsessed with him. We are newlyweds, you know! So in honor of getting married three weeks ago, here's another wedding picture for you! We are still waiting to get them all back, and of course I'm waiting on pins and needles. I'm sure my time wasting skills will be put to excellent use when those beauties come in. It really was the best day ever!

{Photo Creds to B.Loved Images}

Well there you go! That's my two cents on a Friday! Peace out homies. And always remember Go Vols!!!

Playing Major Catch Up

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 15:53:00 +0000

Pretty sure I'm a straight up stranger around here these days!! My blog is so outdated, it's like going back in time when I log on to Blogger and look at my draft folder. I don't have a pup anymore so I'm not even sure I can still be THE PINK GROWL - is that allowed?? I do still love pink and gold (our wedding colors!!!) so maybe that's enough to get me by for now.

Currently - I have two posts sitting as drafts about wedding planning. WELP, I got married on April 9th so that's old news now! I can't believe the last time I blogged was in December after we got engaged. Obviously, A LOT has happened since then.

Let's play a little catch up! In November I sold my house, moved in the with (then) fiancé. My house sold much faster than I anticipated and I only moved in with him temporarily to have a place to live. I had no idea in a couple weeks we would be engaged. We got engaged on December 12th after 8 months of dating and planned a wedding in 4 months. April 9th was a special date for us so I was really hoping we could pull everything together in time! The truth of the matter is, wedding planning can be stressful, it can be hard, it can drive you crazy and definitely drive you broke! BUT, it is doable on a tight budget & timeline! People told me I was crazy! I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard "wow you guys are really in a hurry!" or "it's so soon". Yes, we are aware that it's so soon, thank you for the update. It's not that we were in a hurry necessarily. But I'm 31 and he's 33, so we knew what we wanted and when we wanted it and we went for it. It's not like we just met each other either. We never wanted to be engaged for a long time, and honestly I think it was the perfect amount of time! I'm very happy with the way things turned out. And the best part is, now I have a husband!!!!

{Photo Creds to B.Loved Images}

I look back at my old posts from last year when we started dating, and it's so exciting/crazy/overwhelming/AMAZING to see how things have happened!! All those times I was so stressed about finding the right guy, and what felt like the next step in my life. I had no idea that I would end up marrying someone I already knew (and totally had a crush on for years)! The Lord certainly works in mysterious ways, you guys! Trust me on that!!

I run into people who want to offer me marriage advice a lot. Sometimes more like comments vs. advice. And I think that's great. We all have opinions and I love an honest person who will tell it like it is. However, people can be so negative sometimes! It's disappointing actually. Haters in the grass! To be fair, I don't believe the majority of people mean any harm by it. But it can wear on your nerves when you're on Cloud 9. I don't for one second think that my marriage will be easy or a fairy tale story, but I know that I am hopeful that we will always make it work. I'd like to think that years down the road, I'm not the bitter soul giving out the negative words. I hope that I can take my experiences - even the awful, ugly, knock down drag out ones - and use them for good.

Certain parts of this journey have truly felt like a whirlwind adventure - both in good ways and some bad. Joining your life together with another person isn't always an easy transition and we have a 9 year old child involved too, so there have been some prickly moments. But you press on through the struggles when you KNOW things are right. Today, I 100% stand in a place where I can be fully thankful for all the mishaps along the way because that's how I ended up here.

So there's my two cents. Clearly, I don't have a dang clue what I'm talking about. Somehow now I'm a wife and a stepmom, when usually I can barely make it through each work day :) Such is life!

Missed all my bloggy pals!! XOXO

Tis the Season for Making Broken Things Beautiful

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 19:46:00 +0000

Where do I even begin with this post??? Well first of all, thank you all for your sweet comments on my last post before Thanksgiving. I have to admit that it ended up being a pretty good Thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family. We were all a little worried about how it might be, but in the end, we were able to celebrate each other and our blessings. The only tears shed were during the prayer before we ate when we thanked God for sending us mom to have in the first place.

So now on to Christmas! I have realized something about myself this year... I am embarrassed to say it, but I am a Christmas pessimist. I complain about the season, complain about my family situation and find myself saying "I hate Christmas!" frequently. As much as I try to be a positive person in general, Christmas gets the best of me. BUT WHY? Christmas is NOT supposed to be about me. But I am quite ashamed to admit that I am constantly trying to make it center around me.

I don't have enough money for all the gifts I want to buy

I don't have normal family relationships

I don't have time for 12 Christmas stops

I don't get enough time off work around the holidays

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.

Christmas tends to make me feel broken. Beat down. Financially broke. Kinda ungrateful. It's ugly. I have come to expect the worst, and that's not really who I want to be. But this year, just three days before Christmas I have renewed sense of HOPE. Hope in the fact that God is still working all around me - even on the hard days when I feel very far from him. Hope that my family can be restored. Hope that Christmas can still stand for exactly what it should always stand for - even though I try to manipulate the meaning and make it about me. Hope in GRACE!

So this morning, as my attitude was slowing shifting from Scrooge to Buddy the Elf, I had an epiphany of sorts. This IS what the Advent season is about. It's what it's ALL about! Christmas is about celebrating the ultimate gift of the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ and recognizing that He came to rescue us from this broken world. I read something a couple weeks ago over at (in)courage and it's really stuck with me. I've gone back to re-read it several times, but it wasn't until today that it truly clicked.

Christmas is the ultimate story of hope, of grace, of restoration. Isn't that just the best reminder??

My life can feel messy. When the mess feels overwhelming and heavy (which can be more times than I'd care to admit), I tend to completely forget the redemption of restoration. I tend to focus only what is weighing me down, and then I'm unable to feel God around me. Things have changed drastically for me since last Christmas. I went back to reread my Christmas post from 2014 and I laughed a little at how much things have changed. Somehow I always forget how vastly things can change just within a year's time!!

I think slowly, but surely, I am learning these lessons. But I also know eventually that even if this time of year is always a little hard on the heart for me, God's hope of restoration is always always always here. And for that, I am thankful!

Oh yeah - and in case you missed it - this Christmas I am going to be showing off some new bling!!!!! I got engaged on 12/12!! Even though it's been 10 days already, I still can't shake the excitement. I cannot wait to marry this man. I hope he knows how much I love him. Talk about the ultimate feeling of coming full circle with my journey. I can't wait to see what God has planned for us (& hopefully our family) this coming year!!

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!! I hope you can take a moment to breathe in your blessings and recognize that is always something to be thankful for! I know I will be forcing myself to do that over the next week. XOXO

Let's Talk Life

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Mon, 23 Nov 2015 19:59:00 +0000

Almost four long months have gone by without even so much of a hint of a blog post...

That might be a new record for radio silence around here.

Have no fear, friends, I'm still alive and well! I have missed my blog and my bloggy friends, but I haven't really felt inspired to write about much lately. A million things have happened in my world that have caused me to draft a post, but the words just never seemed to come out right to match how I felt. I hate that too because blogging has always been such a positive outlet for me. I thought I would just try again today. I need a release!

Life always hit me the hardest around the holidays. The past three holidays seasons have been especially hard for me. I've been in a place of trying to heal a broken heart for a while now. And while I do feel like I'm finally healed up from that breakup 3 Novembers ago, the holiday season just always triggers this major anxiety within my heart. I should be excited because it will be my first holiday season with my boyfriend. We have been dating for 7 months now (CRAZY, right??) and there's so much to celebrate there, but sadly I think we are not going to end up together for Thanksgiving and it's really bothering me. I'm feeling Debbie Downer-ish. There are so many reasons why. My family is messy - both sides of it. I don't really feel like I belong within my biological family, for the most part. That's really hard to say - even harder to feel, but it's true. I have always searched for a "family" to adopt me outside of the people who are blood related to me. I have always imagined marrying a guy whose family just takes me in and never makes me feel like an outsider. I desire that so much!

This will be my family's first holiday season without my mom. Some days that makes me feel sad, some days it makes me feel numb, but most days it just makes me feel anxious about how it will be. Last Thanksgiving, I struggled internally with whether or not to even participate in my family's Thanksgiving get together. I ended up going for maybe an hour and it was a complete disaster. My mom had just finished a round of chemo and she was so skinny and sickly. But she was also hurting and not dealing with everything well so she was drinking heavily to mask her pain. She was hammered drunk when I got there and things just went downhill from there. It was a painful time. The holidays are typically a time reserved for celebrating time spent with your family, and it's honestly just a harsh reminder for me that I don't have that. The negatives are weighing me down.

I looked back to my post last year for Thanksgiving, and now I'm sitting here crying as I read these words again this year:

(PS - this is a great one too, Giving Thanks In Sorrow). "When you think you’ll never again be able to sing a song of thanksgiving, try it anyway. Our hearts may not be comfortable praising tragedy, loss, or bad days, but our hearts were created to praise the Hope of Glory."

I am reminded that hope is never in vain. Even when it feels useless, it's not. Even if you have to tell yourself that every second of the day just to make it through. Hope in Jesus is always the only way to survive anything. I might be struggling with the heaviness in my heart right now, but hope is the only way to overcome. I truly believe that! When I focus on the family situation I currently have, the family I want, or the shortcomings with either - I am completely heartbroken. I become overwhelmed when I focus on the things that weigh me down, but I am lifted when I fix my eyes on Jesus and his promises. I cannot even tell you how reassuring of a thought that is to me today.

I went back to SheReadsTruth today for a little inspiration and wanted to share with you what I found. "His promises hold fast, even when your world is crumbling. In everything, He is good. In everything give thanks." Sweeter words have never been spoken. When I feel like I don't have anyone to count on, I have the Lord. When I feel let down by everyone's conditional love and empty promises, I have Jesus who will never leave me and never stop showing me how faithful He is.

Source

I stole this from SRT too because I thought it was a good exercise in thanksgiving. Maybe someone else needs this reminder today just as much as I did.

Let’s actively thank our good God today.

I will give thanks in…

this joyful thing:
this suffering:
this certainty:
this stress:
this injustice:
this sorrow:
this plenty:
this want:
this wandering:
this waiting:

Wishing you all a truly Happy Thanksgiving, filled with warm hearts and full bellies! XOXO

What Means The World To You

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Wed, 08 Jul 2015 12:30:00 +0000

"Cause money mean the world to me, Imma shine for the world to see..."

I sincerely hope the title of this post has taken you back to your younger days and you are singing Cam'ron in your head as we speak. That was MY JAM when I first started driving! If you don't know who Cam'ron is then I don't even know what to tell you... Apparently my life revolves around song lyrics so I need all my friends to cooperate.

So I've been thinking a lot lately about funny life can be - about how quickly things can change, how ironically things can play out, about how worrying about the future does us absolutely zero good. (Even so, I'm pretty sure we are all guilty of worrying from time to time anyhow.) I'm at this place in my life right now where I feel like I'm teetering on the cusp on great change - and when these feelings hit me I'm always compelled to look back on how things have progressed.

I read this post today from my friend Annie Downs on turning 35 and what that means. I say she's my friend, but really we haven't met in real life. I just love her and I can relate to her story. This was my favorite part:
"It means all day today, I will celebrate the life I have. Not the one I’m missing out on or the one I’m waiting for, but the one I have. It means I wouldn’t trade what I do have for what I wished for. And I will celebrate how God made me. Not who I wish I was or the things I would change, but who I am. Today."

Perfectly said, RIGHT?!?!! My 31st birthday is quickly approaching in September. That statement is scary as crap to write and say out loud. 31????? When did I get old enough to be an almost 31 year old!!!! You know birthdays always make me feel some kinda way - 2013, 2014. Getting older tends to make me feel antsy.

BUT My 30th year goal was to be in love with my life, every minute of it, and I think I'm finally starting to get a grip on that. I'm slowly learning at the ripe old age of 367 months old how to celebrate the life that I have TODAY and not worry about the one I thought I was missing out on.

I say that I feel like I'm on the edge of change for a lot of reasons. Talks of engagement, marriage, babies, traveling more for work, future life plans and lots of big girl things are happening these days. All of which are HUGE life changes, well worth celebrating. I'd be a lying dog if I told you I wasn't tickled pink with how things are going right now. I'm in such a strong place emotionally, for the first time probably since Skye and I broke up back in 2012. Being in a good place emotionally doesn't mean that I have it all together or that I don't cry when I have PMS. But it does mean I am better equipped for handling the challenges that inevitably come my way. The death of my mama back in April taught me so much about my emotional state and my ROCK that is my relationship with God. He has offered me a fresh start at everything. Not without struggle, and not with the promise of no future struggles, but with the faithful TRUTH that He will sustain all struggles. It's taken some time to cleanse my heart of hateful things and to learn the glory of true grace. I hope I never stop learning this lesson and never stop extending it to others because it's been radically life changing for me. I'm not perfect at it, (not even close) but the Lord has brought my heart such a long way in these past three years. It just feels good to feel at peace with where I am. I'm thankful beyond words!

So what means the world to me? Loving my life fully. Being surrounded by people who love me and support me. Embracing changes when they come. Getting on my knees to thank God for His blessings - in good times and bad. Celebrating what I have and who I am. Grace, grace & more grace.

These Are My Confessions...

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Wed, 17 Jun 2015 12:05:00 +0000

"Just when I thought I said all I could say..."

(if you aren't singing that right now then clearly you are too young to be reading my blog. Gotta love some throwback Usher!)

I just feel the need to get some recent confessions off my chest. I miss the Confessions link ups (they are probably still around...I'm just out of the bloggy loop).

I confess...

It annoys me that there are always haters in life.

I haven't been drinking hardly any wine at all lately, who am I? Summer brings out my inner beer lover.

Humidity is the devil. You'd think living in the South my whole life I'd be used it to... but you never get used to frizzy hair and sticky sweat.

You know Lebron is my boo... but I really can't be mad about the Warriors winning it all last night. If you don't have love for Steph Curry then you ain't living right because that boy is incredible. This whole playoff series was so fun to watch them battle back and forth.

And now that basketball is over...
80 days until College Football is back! Can I get an AMEN??

This guy has truly stolen my heart, y'all. He's just everything that is precious and I pretty much spend all my time with him these days. I'm completely that annoying girl who is newly in love. I apologize for blowing up your Instagram, Twitter & Facebook feeds with my heart eyed emojis for him. #sorrynotsorry

PS - NO I'm not naked :)

I have an obsession with neon bathing suit pieces. (Just a quick poll - does anybody even wear matchy bikini sets anymore? I am all about that mix & match life.)

Speaking of obsessions... The Weeknd and Meek Mill are high on my list right now. And little miss Kelsea Ballerini and her "Love Me Like You Mean It" jam. FYI - she's from Knoxville!

Again with neons & obsessions, I got a new pair of running shoes. You know, because all that running I've been doing??? (jokes) I'm a slacker and I've only used them once, but I love them. this is the 2nd pair of neon yellow and pink Asics I've had so I guess you could say I'm a big fan.

I'm finally reading The Andy Cohen Diaries. I love that man and all his Bravo magic - especially those crazy housewives. Can he be my spirit animal? The book is really good, so far.

Y'all heard of Firmoo yet? If not then you need to hop on over there and check out their selection of glasses! This is the 2nd pair that I've gotten from them to review, and I doubt I'll ever get glasses anywhere else again. They are GREAT - easy to deal with, easy to order, great follow up to make sure you're happy with the glasses. Plus, they have a ton of new styles, frames and colors to choose from. A girl needs choices in her life! Plus - as a new customer you can get 15% off instantly just for trying them out.

This & That

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Thu, 21 May 2015 18:28:00 +0000

Long time, no see guys! I have to admit that life has been pretty hectic lately. Between work, church things, the boyfriend and friends - I barely have time to get enough sleep these days. But don't let me fool you into thinking I'm not ridiculously happy right now! Life is pretty great.

Mother's Day has come and gone and honestly I'm glad it's over. It was difficult for me and I wrestled with the anxiety for about two weeks leading up to it. It's just a part of what comes after losing your mama - the holidays, birthdays, family occasions, etc. will be difficult, especially the first time around. Now that people have moved on with their own lives and aren't constantly checking on me, I'm left not really knowing how to feel sometimes or how to act with how I'm feeling about not having my mama around. My heart has been a little heavy throughout the process trying to cope, but yet still trying to look for the positive that can come from this situation. I am so thankful for bloggers (Katie, Jennifer) who, unfortunately, have gone through this loss before me and have helped me to know what to expect through their writing. The Lord has been SO GOOD to surround me with people who are nurturing and supportive of me, some of them in the smallest ways they probably don't even realize.

One thing that's been convicting me so much since Mother's Day is that I am my mother's legacy. I was her first born child, her only daughter and probably the child that was the least close to her ultimately, but I am still her legacy. I want to talk more about that soon, but not right now. (Heavy Topic Alert!)

Let's get caught up!

Two weeks ago I saw NEEDTOBREATHE, Drew Holcomb & Ben Rector in concert - so so good!

You like how I drop the BOYFRIEND bomb and then just peace out? A little suspense never killed nobody!! Announcing your relationship is official on the blog can feel like the kiss of death. But so far...boyfriend and I are good. So amazingly crazy good. (Pretty sure he doesn't read my blog, so I could literally gush about him for days, but I'll spare you.) You should just rest assured that I have not felt like this in a long, long time, years. Like since the Skye era. Knowing that it could all blow up in my face tomorrow is scary, but remembering what it feels like to be a smitten little kitten is worth it. Insert ALL of the heart eye emojis.

I apparently cannot get enough of TSwift and all the things she does. Anybody else completely in love with this song??

Finished Amy Poehler's Book Yes Please. I knew she wouldn't disappoint, but I was laughing out loud most of the time. My favorite part?

I've been partaking in quite a few happy hours lately. When spring rolls around and work days get long I really have to admit that I love to unwind on a patio with a cold adult beverage. Judge me, if you must.

Speaking of The Countess... I am so obsessed with the current RHONY season. I'm a little behind since life has kept me from DVR binging as much as I'd like to, but I just can't get enough of this cast. I think it's the best cast they've had in a long time! (Maybe minus Dorinda, not crazy about her.)

I can't promise that I will be posting very regularly throughout the summer, but you know I won't be able to keep my mouth shut for too long. In the mean time, I'm always available for stalking on Instagram & Twitter if you need more frequent life updates.

XOXO

Look Before You Leap...Or Something Like That

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 12:30:00 +0000

Writing posts about dating has never been difficult for me. Sometimes it makes me cringe to look back at certain things I've said in posts, but I can say that my dating posts have been accurate descriptions of where I'm at in my life. It's kinda cool to be able to look back over the past two years of singleness documented here on my corner of the internet and see how things have progressed. I do love an honest update. So now how to describe where my dating life is currently...

Earlier this week would have been my two year wedding anniversary if Skye and I would have gone through with getting married back in 2012. Honestly, I didn't even feel the date coming on this year. I was reminded by Timehop (dang you, Timehop!). I didn't even cry. It just felt very strange. Very much like remembering something from a movie I watched years ago, instead of feeling like an experience I actually lived through. I'm in a good place with that baggage right now. Parts of that story will always be hard for me, but that's okay because I truly wouldn't want to forget. The most recent ex-boyfriend baggage is in a decent place too. It felt like we were in a stage of limbo for the past couple of months - trying to be "friends" and remain on good terms since we go to church together, yet not really being sure how to make that happen. We got to a place last week where we decided we can't be friends, and honestly I'm okay with that. AND the best news...drumroll please...I actually have a new boyfriend!! Not just someone I have a crush on, but a full blown boyfriend. I am SMITTEN and things are really good right now. It makes me so excited to feel this way again, but I'm also trying to keep myself grounded. Which if I'm being honest, is really hard to do! Especially with a boyfriend as hot as mine! :)

Dating does funny things to a 30 year old woman. It can drive you batty, make you feel empowered, drive you to drink, or (like in my current situation) act like you've never been hurt a day in your life and just LEAP. It's much easier to allow yourself to become scarred by the battles you've faced. Been there, done that. Represented loud and proud, all day, erryday with my former black heart. That's not a fun state to live in! And it's not sustainable for someone who genuinely wants to settle down. Letting people in and being vulnerable is hard, but truly necessary work. Being that I am the ripe old age of 30, I am well acquainted with my strengths and weaknesses. I know the reasons that I would consider myself to be a great catch. But that doesn't mean that I will be everyone's cup of tea. Taking a leap in dating means that you have heighten awareness of these truths, but do not allow them to hold you back. It's a fine line that can really trip most of us up. With all that being said, I've had to come to terms with the fact that it is possible to take a leap and end up falling flat on my face. I think that fear is what holds us back most. Nobody wants to get their feelings hurt.

The evolution of my dating life is an interesting thing to study. Looking back, I see times when I should have stood my ground more and trusted my instincts. I see times when I probably shouldn't have been so overly guarded. I see mistakes, let downs, learning experiences, I see awesome stories - there's a lot to see in the dating life of a 28-30 year old!! The thing that is different for me right now is that I'm ready to take a leap. So... I'm taking a leap! Are there uncertainties? Absolutely yes. Do I have insecurities? Duh, They can feel crippling at times. It's okay to feel those things - and even better to push through them. I don't know what will happen here, but I know that I am trying to pray my way through it. I mean it when I say I want to settle down. I mean it when I say I'm ready. But I know ultimately it's not up to my timing. God knows the desires of my heart (I'm pretty persistent in telling him often), and He's the only one who knows how my story will unfold.

Remember my 2015 word? BELIEVE. I am choosing right now to believe this season of my life will serve a purpose. And I know it will. I believe that what God has planned for me is unable to be thwarted (how you like that word!!) - even by my own selfish, sometimes stupid, decisions.

My best dating advice today is to take that leap, friend. Jump in head first into the deep end. Believe that it can end up being the best thing that ever happened to you - but also know that it might not amount to anything. As scary as trying anything new (doesn't have to be a relationship) can feel, you have to try to know how it plays out. It's like playing the lottery - you gotta play to win. If you would have asked me a year ago, my advice would have probably been polar opposite. If you ask me next week, everything could have changed and it could very well be different too. But for today, I am urging you to leap.

Once again, my life has come down to being summed in a Sex & The City quote...

Thursday Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Thu, 23 Apr 2015 12:30:00 +0000

I sure needed to hear this right now. Reminder from Lysa TerKeurst this week:

"If there’s something Jesus needs to address with you, so be it. But remember, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). Jesus doesn’t use the statements, “You always do this..” and “You never do that..” Jesus doesn’t use our situations against us. He simply brings truth to life and asks us to align with it."

Words are my love language - good morning texts, apologies and random compliments change the world, friends.

People on my Instagram keep asking me what kind of mascara I use: 3-in-1 by elf. My eyelashes are naturally long anyhow, but who would have thought a $3 mascara could be so good!! I'm a big fan of all of their products that I have tried. Can't beat that price either.

Last night I had my first meeting about going back to the Dominican Republic for a mission trip again this year! Excited doesn't even begin to describe it. I could end up spending the week of my birthday serving the Lord and honestly, there's nothing more I would want for my 31st. Pray for me so that I don't just make this commitment because it's something I want to do selfishly, but because I feel called to do it. (If you're new around here, you can read all about my trip last summer here.)

I'm dating again. Sometimes I feel like it's hard and sometimes I'm light hearted about it. Nothing too serious to report back right now, but I'm sure you can expect a new dating post soon. These stories must be told. My friend Jen had a weird one recently too!

Do you Influenster? If you don't, then you are missing out! Influenster allows you to test products for FREE, based on information you fill out about yourself. All you have to do is show them some love on social media and offer reviews. The most recent product I tested for them was these Neutrogena Naturals MakeUp Remover Wipes. LOVE them! They smell fantastic and leave my face feeling clean and refreshed and not dry. Great for post workout. Plus, Neutrogena is launching a #wipeforwater campaign to promote efforts to save water. A lazy girl makeup remover is the perfect way to get started!

I haven't seen the 50 Shades of Grey movie... but I am all about the soundtrack! Especially these two jams.

Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding on Grooveshark The Weeknd "Earned It" (Fifty Shades Of Grey) Official Lyric Video by - on Grooveshark

Thursday Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Thu, 16 Apr 2015 12:54:00 +0000

First off, thank you all from the bottom of my little heart for all your sweet comments on my last post about my mama. Yes, this time has been difficult but it's also been such a blessing to see the incredible community of people the Lord has placed in my path for this specific time and healing. Truly, I am in awe of the kindness that I have been offered. I'm telling you God is good ALL THE TIME!

I wore pants yesterday that I hadn't worn in almost 2 years. Talk about a non scale victory! I have been working my booty off and the progress is so encouraging!

Finally bought the Andy Cohen Diaries to read. I actually have a "to read" stack that's HUGE right now. I need to turn off the TV and get to page turning.

But Scandal though... Also, I'm back watching Mad Men because I have to see what happens. And RHONY is back sooooo maybe eventually I'll get around to reading all my books.

Loved this read from Renee Fisher. This is a must read for anyone who missed the IF:Gathering this year and feels lost or stuck in the season of life you are in.

I'm going to make this pretty thing with my work girls next Friday night and I am stoked!

Happy Pre-Friday!

When Life Happens

noreply@blogger.com (The Pink Growl) — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 13:04:00 +0000

I have been swirling words around in my brain for many days now, trying to figure out the right ones to say when I sat down to write this post. But I finally realized that the words don't have to be "right", they just have to be true. The truth is, life happens and sometimes it can really kick us in the pants.

My family is smack dab in the middle of a swift kick in the pants that we are still desperately trying to catch our breath from. One week ago today, my mama passed away. I've talked about her in varying degrees on the blog before - and probably said some pretty raw things about our relationship. Long story short, she was fighting an almost 3 year long battle with lung cancer and within the past year was diagnosed with leukemia also. Within a two week time frame, her health quickly declined and she found herself in the ICU facing double pneumonia. This is essentially a waiting game for stage 4 small cell lung cancer patients in her condition. So we waited. For a week and a half we watched her struggle and fight, and I do mean FIGHT, for every single breath that she was able to take. It's an excruciating kind of pain to watch someone who gave you life literally fighting for their own. In the end, she lost her battle with cancer but she is finally at peace.

This has always been one of my favorite pictures of my mama.
This is from her baby shower, when she was a baby herself at 21 pregnant with me.

My mama was 51 years old. That doesn't seem near old enough for me to be 30 years old and only have one parent left. One of the worst parts for me has been watching my 3 younger brothers (25, 17 & 16 year olds) struggle with their emotions and for the younger ones to feel like it's just not fair. Really, it's not fair. I've felt the pain of life - a broken heart, the loss of a family member, the punch in the gut feeling when the rug is pulled out from under your feet. As someone who has overcome struggles before, I know that we are not promised a fair life. We are only promised that we do not have to face the struggles alone. “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

God's peace has been nothing short of miraculous for me during this difficult time. It's difficult to understand how I could even begin to feel the tiniest glimmer of hope while I was watching my mother die. It's unexplainable really. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 I prayed day and night that God would give me peace and comfort my family. I asked others to pray for the same. And that's exactly what God did. He gave us the ability to comprehend the fact that she is no longer suffering. I like to think she is doing cartwheels in Heaven and enjoying every single breath!

That doesn't mean it doesn't feel sad or hard sometimes, but at the end of the day we have hope. Hope is EVERYTHING! As tumultuous of a relationship as my mom and I had at times, she was still the only mom I'll ever have. She was the one chosen to bring me into this world, and her impact on my life has a huge impact on my story. Tough days will come, when I am overcome with tears, emotions and grief. But hope will always linger. Hope is a gift and I am so thankful for it in these moments when it doesn't always come easy. “And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:5

People have remarked to me lately about "how strong I am". I appreciate a good compliment just as much as the next girl, but I've got to be honest and say I'm really not strong. Right after I went through my broken engagement a few years ago, I remember all I wanted was to be seen as strong. The past three years have taught me A LOT about what being strong actually means. Being strong for me these days means not taking pride in my own strength, but admitting where I am weak and letting God fill in His strong. I don't know how I ever navigated this crazy life without Him leading me! The days can still feel hard, but I find when I lean on Him it becomes easier. The light at the end of the tunnel becomes visible. I know it's all part of a greater plan. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

I have learned in a very real way through this experience that even when circumstances are bad, God is still SO good. I have been scared of what the future holds for me now, and how I will be able to cope. But I rest assured that God has prepared my faith for those days. He has placed an amazing network of people around me who care for me and who I can be real with it when I need to be. He has held true on His promise to be right in the thick of things with me. I am beyond grateful for the 30 years I had with my mama! She taught me some really hard knock life lessons. I know that she is with my brothers and I until we take our last breaths here on this Earth. I trust that God still has big things planned for me here. He can use this broken old heart in ways that I would never be able to imagine possible. And the best part is, one day I will be right there with her in Heaven doing cartwheels and singing the praises of our faithful God.

*For those of you who are friends with me in real life, or on social media, thank you for the kind words and prayers for my family! We read so many of them together out loud and they helped us power through some pretty tough moments. They were much needed and very appreciated!