We’ve all had those days, haven’t we?  The groceries got left in the car, the sock got stuck in the vacuum . . .. And you think to yourself, “Is this real?  What else could possibly happen today?!”  You’re not alone.

Join Kristine Jones and April Perry as they discuss ways to manage all those things that somehow find a way to go wrong.

Click here to listen to, “Ever had a day that felt like a circus?”

Music from Creations by Michael R. Hicks.

Photo from flickr.com

When our discussion leader asked this question during our Learning Circle discussion last week, everyone was quiet for a few seconds – something pretty unusual for our group. I guess it’s sort of a big and unusual question.  And most days we’re so focused on basic intentions (like getting kids fed and to bed) that we don’t stop to think about the big picture of what we’re trying to accomplish as moms.

Once we got talking, we pretty much all agreed that we want to raise healthy, happy children who will go out and lead successful lives. Those are pretty good intentions, right?

But then we went around the circle and each person talked about her individual intentions as a mother – intentions that go beyond the generally universal intentions that most mothers share. While there was certainly a lot of head-nodding as people expressed intentions that others shared, we saw that all have some unique intentions when it comes to the things we want to expose our children to, the family experiences we want to have, and the specific qualities we’re intent on helping our children to develop.

For our monthly assignment (along with discussion questions, there are suggested assignments at the end of each monthly Learning Circle article provided), we decided to do something that seemed a little morbid at first. We decided to think about what we’d love for our children to be able to say at our funerals some day. The assignment suggested that through “beginning with the end in mind,” we’d be able to think through what our intentions really are as moms and adjust our behaviors and practices accordingly.

So today, I did a quick brainstorm of my general intentions as a mother and then went back and jotted down a few examples of specific actions that would support each intention. Then I used that list to help me write up the following “eulogy-type” statements that I hope my kids will be able to say about a me some day.

Anyway, here’s what I’d sure love for my kids to be able to say about me one day (hopefully before I die so I can enjoy knowing I achieved my intentions sooner rather than later!):

“Our mom was a champion of motherhood. She worked hard every day to be the best mother she could be and to help other moms and families have the resources and support they needed to be their best.”

“While she always made it clear that her greatest “calling” was as a wife and mother, she was very involved in many other callings in outside the little world of our home. She made a point of always involving us in her larger-world work. We helped raise money for orphans every year at a Christmas concert. We helped with all the work she did at our schools. We helped do data entry for The Power of Moms. We helped set up for and present at Retreats and got to travel to wonderful places as a family thanks to Retreats. We helped make videos to help other moms and kids learn about ideas that worked well for our family.”

“Our mom was really great at being “present.” She was great at “putting off the ‘put-off-able’s’ in favor of the ‘now-or-never’s’.” When we came home from school each day, she had a snack for us and was excited to hear all about our day and help us with our homework. She really listened when we talked (even though she often had to remind us to take turns talking). While she was very busily involved in projects to help our community and the larger world, we always knew she’d drop everything else if one of us needed her.”

“Our mom searched out and cultivated the unique potential of each of her children. She found us just the right teachers and lessons and opportunities to match our interests and talents and taught us herself when need be. She helped us cultivate friendships and hobbies that were important to us. She taught us to work hard and made us mad by not letting us give up. It was clear that her greatest goal as a mom was to help us bloom into the people we were really meant to be – even when we wanted to be lazy people.”

“She taught us to cook and to clean and to earn and manage money well. Through praising us up and down when we’d do it, she taught us to be self-starters who could see a need and meet that need be it cleaning up leftover dishes or helping a kid on the playground who needed a friend. She raised us to be self-sufficient people who could manage our households and our finances and our relationships.”

“Mom often told us that one of her greatest intentions as a mom was preparing us to be great parents one day should that opportunity arise. From the time we were very small, she had the older kids help with the younger kids in our family and when we ran out of younger kids, she encouraged us to volunteer to babysit and do special activities for our little neighbors and cousins. She taught us to understand and appreciate small children. And when one of our siblings was struggling, she and my Dad often asked for ideas from the other siblings. She helped us to see how hard and how important and how wonderful parenting is.”

“She taught us how to resolve disagreements and respect other people’s needs and feelings and differences. Whenever we had disagreements, we had to sit by the person we’d been fighting with until we could each say what we’d done wrong, state how we were goingt to make up for our wrong-doing and then we had to ask each other’s forgiveness and give each other a hug before we could go on our way. We hated it. But we also loved it. She helped us to understand why people act the way they do. All of us siblings are best friends today thanks in large part to these lessons.”

“Mom taught us to love nature and adventures and to focus on health and fitness. She and Dad made sure we went on hikes and bike rides almost every Saturday which were great family bonding experiences. She went running or did some kind of serious exercise at least three times a week her whole life and took us with her a lot of the time – often we were trailing behind in a bike trailer or racing ahead on our scooters or bikes. She had a passion for fresh, tasty, healthy food and taught us a great deal about nutrition and cooking.”

“Mom taught us about marriage. Through her example, we learned the importance of always building up your spouse. She was always pointing out the amazing and wonderful things that our Dad did to us and always demanded that we respect our father. She made sure we knew that Dad was her number one priority and that made us feel safe and secure.”

“Mom was a little high-strung and certainly made mistakes. She got overwhelmed and mad and impatient sometimes. But she was good at learning and changing and apologizing. And through her example, we learned that everyone makes mistakes and everyone can and should fix their mistakes.”

< “Mom taught us not only to work hard for and attain the things that really matter but also to say no to and gracefully walk away from the things that don’t. She helped us learn to prioritize and to do less good things in favor of doing more great things.”

I’m sure some of the things above ring true to you and some don’t really connect to your own unique intentions as a mom. Our own unique talents, interests, priorities and experiences will help us determine the intentions that are right for us as mothers. But the one thing that is universal is that when we take the time to think about what our intentions really are, we have a much greater chance of achieving our intended outcomes!

When the kids came home from school today, I found myself reacting to them and dealing with situations quite differently thanks to what I’d written.

For example, in the midst of trying to patiently and lovingly help with homework, I realized I’d forgotten to buy some important supplies for an event this evening when I was at the grocery store earlier. Instead of being frustrated, I saw this oversight of mine as an opportunity to take my son Isaac on a little “date” (he’s been seeming to need a little extra attention). On the drive to the store, I really listened to him talk about whatever he wanted to talk about and was fully present with him. At the store, I asked his opinion on the type and quantity of stuff I should buy and took his thoughtful suggestions. On the way out the door, when I saw a man from church that I’d met once before, I avoided my initial urge to just hurry on home and made a point of chatting and introducing Isaac. Out in the parking lot, we saw this man trying to load way too many helium balloons in his small car and since we had plenty of room in our van, we were able to transport a bunch of balloons for him. It was a great chance to set an example of caring and helping for Isaac and we talked about how good it makes us feel when we get to help others.

To help you think through your own intentions as a mother and the actions that can take you towards those intentions, I’ve put together this simple worksheet.  You’ll find that it’s much easier to mother with purpose and intention when you’ve taken the time to figure out what your main intentions really are!

Worksheet: Your Intention as a Mother

QUESTION: What are YOUR intentions as a mother?

CHALLENGE: Use the worksheet provided or just write out your own list of intentions as a mother. Then work bit by bit to make your intentions reality.

Photo by freedigitalphotos.net

Photo by photostock at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Pen: check. New notebook: check. Snacks: check. Sexy sunglasses (because I was going to my first child-free, all-women seminar, WITH MAKEUP, and wanted to feel grown up): check.

I was attending my first Power of Moms Retreat! Would I find answers to the questions in my heart about my mothering? Would other people have ideas I could learn from?  Would anyone even talk to me? Yes, yes, and yes!

I had one haunting feeling lurking in my heart, and I came to the retreat to find the answer to this question: Why am I a mean mom and what can I do to stop?
During the first portion of the seminar, when discussing the great value of mothers, the answer came. The idea hit my mind, cleared my heart and lifted the guilt from my shoulders. I don’t even think the insight had anything to do with what the speaker was addressing. The idea was this: I am not mean. I am stressed. These two small sentences have changed my self-perception, parenting, priorities and planning.

I am not a mean person. Okay, I suspected that deep down. I go and teach Zumba and pilates to teenaged girls around my city. We shake it, laugh and giggle, and often I can feel from the girls the idea, “Man, your kids are so lucky! I bet they love you.  You are so much fun.” Then I go into my car, hang my head, and wonder, “Why don’t my kids see this side of me? They don’t even know I’m fun.”

So the next day I turned on music and asked my kids if they wanted to dance. (They are young enough to join in and not be embarrassed by me.) My girls went nuts, grabbing my hands and twirling, actually wanting to be with me and begging for more.  Later that day and into the week they were much more willing to do their jobs. Throughout the week I tried to tickle my three year-old boy and swing him about more, and he burst out, “This is SOOO much fun, Mommy!” He had never said that before.

Photo by photostock at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Some mothers have fun as a natural gift–and some of us need to develop that talent. “It is a happy talent to know how to play,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson. Is it worth planning and letting loose for fun? Yes! Fun is the glue of fond memories. Fun is the mover of mountains of laundry and obstinate kids who would not otherwise budge without it. Fun will bring children voluntarily back to an activity like chores, homework or family night, in a way that force cannot. It can bring our children back to us. Fun is not a luxury. It is a necessity for strong families.

There is a perception that fun is only found recreation: sports, shopping, eating, dancing, theater, theme parks. Fun is an essential human need, and therefore it is attached to advertising to catch our attention–we are marketed the idea that fun comes from products and food (“Happy” Meals). We’re told that to have fun we have to escape the drudgery or trap of our families and kitchens. We are told that fun and work, rigor, and duty are mutually exclusive. This is not so. Mothers do not need to escape their daily duties–we can add fun to them and elevate the daily grind to a life of meaning for our families! Robert Louis Stevenson said, “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.” In our home we try to add fun to our daily routine with music, races, teasing, charts, jokes, togetherness, snacks, and serendipity moments. Beto Perez, the founder of Zumba, calls his dance aerobics class, “Exercise in disguise.”  Maybe teaching our children chores doesn’t have to be strict and somber to have meaning–it can be “work in disguise.”

“You are stressed.” Okay, that one should have been obvious to me, but it wasn’t.  What I thought was a mean mommy was just a normal person’s reaction to early mornings, late nights, the demands of four young, hungry, wiggly children, extensive commuting, strong-willed toddler personalities, etc. It makes total sense that the girls in the Zumba class or my nieces and nephews think I’m more fun than my kids do: I am not stressed out when I’m with them. I’m playing with them on Sundays, when I’m typically better rested, better fed, and not caring about my schedule. I’m fancy-free, relaxed, more myself, and therefore more fun.

So I got less stressed. It is my central focus: what can I do to reduce the stress in our family, so that I can be happier, enjoy my children more, and be more capable to serve my children like I dream of? We rearranged our schedule to be on the road and away from home a lot less. To streamline the stress of housekeeping and laundry we simply got rid of a ton of our possessions. For meal planning I let go of the pressure to create raw or fancy dishes, and instead serve very healthy but simple meals.

And now to help me really believe Heaven’s love note, that I am not  a mean mommy, I write down my dreams about who I am or want to be. For example, I write: I am a fun mom. I love having fun with my children. I can gain the understanding I need to de-stress my life and enjoy my children. I can have fun and still be a type-A personality. I can figure out ways to make work fun for my family. I can take activities that are difficult for myself, like exercise, cooking, or laundry, and even make them fun for me.

QUESTION: When was the last time you laughed or had fun? When do you remember having fun with your parents as a child? Are you ever not fun because of stress, and what could you do to lessen the stress?

CHALLENGE: Look for ways in your daily routine to make the mundane fun for you and your children. Trust your personality and go with it. You don’t have to try to be the “fun” mom down the street; you’ll have your own flavor. Share your ideas in the comments section. Find a way to lessen the greatest stress in your family. (And fun might be the answer, i.e., if finances are your greatest stress, then playing at the park might lighen up the family mood and help you through the long haul.)

Photo by David Castillo Dominici at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Do you ever have one of those days when you are raring to go and attack your goals and to-do lists, but your children are not? I had one recently. I was pacing around the kitchen, ready to go exercise and move on with the rest of my day. One child was playing with the utensils, instead of putting them away. The other child was running around the room in circles, instead of getting dressed.

“You look frustrated,” said my husband.

“I am!” I replied. “I feel like I am always waiting for little people. It would be so much faster if I did things myself, but then they’ll never learn!” After feeling sorry for myself for awhile, I had a rare moment of clarity.

“What’s my main purpose in life right now?” I asked myself. I already knew the answer. It was to be a mother of little children. Does it really matter how quickly I get through my to-do list? Or, better stated, “Does it matter more than my children?”

I thought back to my days in the workforce. One year, our team decided that we needed a mission statement. We wanted our employees to have a real sense of purpose, to feel empowered. We wanted them to know our organization’s priorities so they would conduct themselves accordingly. We worked on a concise mission statement supported by several values. It was an amazing experience.

Following the example of many others, our family had recently come up with a family mission statement and rules. But what about me? What was my personal mission statement as a mother? This got me thinking over the next few days.

I used the following process to come up with a personal mission statement for motherhood. Maybe you would find it helpful to do the same. Then, the next time you’re raring to go, and someone’s lost a shoe or remembered a project that’s due tomorrow, you’ll be able to “keep calm and carry on.”

1. Brainstorm. The first thing I did was make a list of all the qualities or traits that I thought were important and wanted as a mother.
2. Define your purpose. After brainstorming, I could see a theme developing. I decided that the single most important purpose for me, as a mother, was to nurture my children. This would be the crux of my mission statement.
3. Define your values. Your values are what help you make day-to-day decisions that support your mission statement. Decide what things will help you achieve your purpose.
4. Make it short. You want to be able to remember this quickly and easily.

After this short process, here is my personal mission statement for motherhood: My mission is to nurture my children by listening, teaching, playing and loving.

Now, when I’m racing out the door and my daughter starts crying because she can’t zip her jacket up, I can think, “I will nurture her by teaching her.” When my son is talking non-stop about the robot he wants to invent and I want so desperately to tune-out, I can think, “I will nurture him by listening to him.” I’ve tried this over the last couple of days and it’s made a big difference in how I perceive a situation.

Every major successful business has a mission statement. Many successful families have mission statements. Why shouldn’t every mother?

QUESTION: How would you define your purpose as a mother?

CHALLENGE: Go through the four-step process listed above and make your own motherhood mission statement.

Photo by DDpavumba at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Editor’s Note: The Power of Moms is a website for mothers of all religious preferences. Our Spiritual Sundays section is a place where our authors can write about thoughts that are more spiritual in nature, and our goal is to gather a wide variety of perspectives. If you (or someone you know) has something to add to this section to help us reach a wider audience of mothers, please send the submission to submissions@powerofmoms.com. Thank you!

My last two babies are not only teenagers now, but licensed drivers. The eldest of my four children is set to marry in June and my college-age son is batting around career ideas. I’m trying to figure out what happened to all those little kids who used to run around and drive me crazy.

Whatever happened to the simple questions like, “Mom, can we have a piece of candy?” or “Which story are we going to read at bedtime tonight?” Now it’s, “How much of a homeowner’s loan do you think we can get with our credit?” or “What kind of science questions are on the ACT test?”

My brain hurts. It’s swelling, even.

I’m consumed with high school transcripts, college applications, and finishing out our home school year. We’re in the midst of adding an apartment onto our house for my aging parents.

Don’t get me wrong, I well recall the days of toddlerhood — the toys strung from here to kingdom come, long, sleepless nights, kids who wouldn’t eat anything. Those days, emblazoned in my memory, will never fade.

Yet sweet, sweet memories, little things they said, still come to mind. I’ll never forget rocking my son early each morning while he watched Barney. Or how my daughter belted out “A Whole New World” from Disney’s Aladdin movie:  ”INCORAUGIBLE FEEEEEEDWEEEEEED!!!” (“indescribable feeling”). And I’ll never forget how my youngest signed-off at the end of every drawing: “I like you and I love you.”

Along with the treasured memories, I also remember how I used to get carried away with the house cleaning. We’re talking toothbrushes to wash the floors and dusting every-other day. My standards drastically lowered as time and years pressed in from all sides.

Photo submitted by Ruthie Gray

Now our priorities are more about grades and grandparents’ health and less about dust and grime. Ah, the phases of life and the perspective we gain. But this, too, is a phase of life. It seems to be fleeing all too quickly. If I focus on the big stuff, I lose joy in the small stuff—this feeling of my kids all around me, the interaction, the funny moments, the joy, the laughter, the fact that they still love me even though I’ve messed up a hundred billion times over.

I’m learning you never actually get to the point where you know what you’re doing. Once you arrive at that point, your children have progressed to the next stage.

I may not know what I’m doing, but God knows what He’s doing, and that’s enough for me. He has blessed, and He will enable. I just have to come to Him, kneel before Him, and draw strength from Him daily. He is the One who ordained it. He will bring it to pass. After all, He knows the plans He has for us (Jeremiah 29:11). Who am I to think it is all “my plan” anyway?

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. One morsel, even. Not in months, weeks, or even days. In minutes, seconds, and little accomplishments.
Thank-you, God, for my VERY full life!!!

QUESTION: How has God given you strength through different stages of parenting your child?

CHALLENGE: Identify the little accomplishments you’ve made with your child this month and celebrate them together.

photo courtesy of Megan Stewart

Editor’s Note: This month, Megan Stewart and Mary Croxford team up to discuss Kindness and Friendliness. As a special bonus, they are giving away a Helping Hands chart from Brite Music! Giveaway details are below!

We love focusing on this value and feel if we all worked on being kind, it would take care of many unpleasant problems that arise from the opposite responses.

Mary: This month has been crazy already. What is it about May? For us it has been the mad rush of the end of school, soccer, church activities, pushed back bedtimes (due to the sun coming up later–the kids are having a harder time falling asleep, which results in a harder time getting everyone up and going in the morning). In fact, the word s  l  o  w  m  o  t  i  o  n comes to  mind and unfortunately we hear ourselves repeating “hurry, hurry” over and over! Also, as many of you already know, with the kids feeling more tired in the morning, their attitudes shifted from the usual pleasantness to complaining, teasing and bickering! Something had to be done!

So when I sat down to read the value, I had an idea. I had recently heard about a mother using a clicker to get herself to focus on positive thoughts so I decided to use a clicker for the value this month and boy it worked beautifully! Here’s how I did it.

photo courtesy of Mary Croxford

As usual, we sat our kids down and talked about the monthly value, kindness and friendliness. We discussed different ways we can show kindness and friendliness to others – family, friends and strangers.  I showed them the clicker. I told them that when I noticed behavior that demonstrates the value “kindness and friendliness” I would click. They could not tell me to click; it would be just when I noticed things. My kids loved this. Our morning DRAMATICALLY changed! They loved seeing the number go up on the clicker. It’s amazing how a little focus can really make a huge difference. Accentuating the positive begets more and more positive.

Megan: A tool that we found useful that we’ve been using this month is the “Helping Hands” chart from Brite Music.

photo courtesy of Megan Stewart

Each person has a hand that moves up the chart when others notice them doing kind deeds. It’s worked beautifully for our kids and has given them a good visual of the progress that they are making. Something else that my hubby and I have talked about trying is taking a day or two to let them move one another’s hands on the chart so they can obtain a different perspective of kindness and friendliness from the receiving end of it.

Kindness and friendliness are habits that require action. If we focus more on them, it becomes easier for us to notice others and ways we can be kind and friendly. Simple things, like opening a door for someone, returning a grocery store cart or grabbing one from someone who is finished unloading to their car, sending off an email of gratitude to a teacher or friend, smiling and saying hello (this is fun to do in an elevator). All these ideas are easy for us to do and for a child to do, as well. Make it a contest when you’re out to see who can notice the most opportunities to reach out with kindness.

photo courtesy of Mary Croxford

A small note about the Internet: it is a SUPER tool to take advantage of and reach out as well as to teach your children to use it in the same way. How easy is it to say something nice to someone or lend some kind words of encouragement or support? It’s fast and convenient to make a small effort to reach out to someone you might not otherwise have the opportunity to do so.

We love to read books and some of our favorites are:

1. The Spiffiest Giant in Town
2. The Rainbow Fish
3. The Kings’ Highway
4. Horton Hears a Who
5. Charlotte’s Web
6. Why Christmas Trees Are Not Perfect and How The Grinch Stole Christmas (I know they’re seasonal but we never tire of Christmas around here!)
7. The Giving Tree
8. The Snail and the Whale
9. Lots of Berenstain Bear books

Some great movies:

1. The Blind Side
2. Seabiscuit
3. Radio
4. Elf (I know, more Christmas!)
5. Bambi
6. Emperor’s New Groove

Some great CD’s from Brite Music:

1. Show A Little Love-this cd has lots of songs about kindness & friendliness
2. I Have A Song For You Volume 1 – songs 3 & 4

As we were sitting here writing this article we started discussing how great it is to reach out to others, strangers as well as old friends. So we have decided to extend this challenge not only to ourselves and families tonight at the dinner table, but also to you:

CHALLENGE: Reach out in various ways this month by stopping by to visit someone or inviting someone into your home, talk to someone new you haven’t spoken with before at school, church or another activity, take the time to leave a comment on someone’s blog or website you are following or on Facebook and encourage your kids to do the same. (Texting is so easy too.)

QUESTION: What are you going to do to follow through with the challenge this month or do you have additional ideas that we can benefit from by sharing with our own families? We’d love to hear them!

FREE GIVEAWAY: We love to hear your ideas and thoughts! Please feel free to comment on this article and we will enter each person who comments in a free “Helping Hands Chart” giveaway download from Brite music! The contest ends May 25^th at midnight PST. The winner will be announced next Saturday, May 26^th.

When I had my baby almost three years ago, I felt trapped, scared, and alone. The forty-one years prior to my child’s birth had been all about me: my schooling, my jobs, my love life, my friends, my travel. I was a busy woman and I liked it that way. I came and went as I pleased. I enjoyed the world and a myriad of activities. I ate and slept when I wanted. Flexibility in my day was mine, and I LOVED it that way!

But then came a day when that all changed. It was the day my little, tiny, needy, crying baby girl was born.

On some level, when this precious soul entered the world, the previous version of me packed up her suitcase and left. Or perhaps, part of me simply moved over and made room for her little soul to join mine to create a new and better version of myself. Either way, this 7 pound, larger-than-life being had taken my life over like an alien in Star Trek forcing me, a forty-one year old, seasoned woman to completely change my life.

The fact that the person I had known as myself was gone scared me immensely: “Who is this screaming child robbing me of my sleep and my life?” and “Who am I and what is to become of me now?”

It felt as if everything I had known was gone and would never return.

Photo submitted by Christina Robert

My mother gave me some sage advice that kept me going. “It won’t be like this forever, Christina. She’s an infant. In a few years, she’ll be less dependent on you and you’ll get back some of what you feel you have lost. Those things are not gone forever.” I held onto the hope and belief that someday I would be me again.

The past three years since her birth have been spent assessing my life and who I thought I was. What do I keep of my former self? What do I let go of? What do I gain in its place? How do I mother while maintaining my identity as an independent woman?

Compartmentalize & Focus
I was so used to multitasking that it was extremely frustrating to be so incapacitated while caring for my infant. She was also a difficult-to-soothe, colicky baby that did not like to sleep at night. This is all exacerbated by the fact that I was doing all of the nighttime care because I’m an NMSM (Never Married Single Mother).

To cope, I learned to compartmentalize my thinking. In these early months, I realized that in order to be the kind of mother I wanted to be, I would had to give myself over to parenting during those precious hours that I was with her. So, when I got home from work, I would make a radical mental shift and clearly accept that the next twelve hours would be baby time. I would repeat to myself over and over, “This is baby time . . . This is baby time,” as I walked down the sidewalk towards our townhouse.

Be Present
There was no use wishing that I could parent an infant and continue to do the things I used to do. I realized that I had to be present for my baby and wholeheartedly accept my role as a mother–no matter how difficult those hours might be. At the same time, I had to temporarily leave my transforming identity in the car until the next time I went off on my own.

Me Time
When I did leave the house it was ‘me time’, and I rejoiced in that. Granted I was working, and most of the time I wanted to put my head on my desk and take a nap, but there were those intermittent times when I felt like my old self again. I would deliberately seize those few minutes to just relax and enjoy life. This came in the form of stopping by the YMCA for a soak in the hot tub for fifteen minutes or taking a bike ride around the block for ten minutes before the babysitter had to leave.

The New Me
Now that she is almost three, things have gotten much better, just like my momma said they would. I have not reclaimed myself completely, and I’m not sure that I ever will or even want to do so. In short, I simply don’t see the world the same way I once did.

For instance, I recently signed up for a pottery class and claimed it as a delicately carved out period of time that I could spend doing something just for me. It was meant to be a visceral, creative, non-stressful endeavor where I could explore myself through art. What more could I ask for?

Lo and behold, what did I do in my ceramics class for the first three weeks? I’ll tell you what. I threw little tiny baby pots on the potting wheel so my little girl would have a miniature clay tea set that she could call her own. One day she could say her momma lovingly and solely made them for her.

The old me would’ve thrown five bowls all for myself. But now, as a mommy with a little two year old living in my heart, I am thinking of tiny hands and small smiles.

There is a new and better version of me that is still evolving, one which I am daily discovering, developing and nurturing. Every day I strive to find out what parts of me remain, what parts are only meant for my daughter, and what parts are some combination of the two of us. There was a former Christina and she may be gone forever. But in her place is a person defined by both me and my little girl, the little girl who brings out the momma in me.

QUESTION: Where have you spent most of your mental time–thinking of what you have lost in motherhood or what you have gained? Could you benefit from a shift in your thinking?

CHALLENGE: This week work on including an element from the article that would help you evolve into the mother you would like to be–compartmentalize your thinking, be truly present, take some ‘me time’, or take a few minutes to recognize what the ‘new you’ looks like.

Links for creating great flashcards and activities for your lunch lessons:

Words preschoolers should recognize before Kindergarten

Number Flashcard Creator

Overview of what children generally need to know before Kindergarten

Photo by Ambro at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Have you ever felt like everyone else was comparing apples with oranges and you don’t even fit in the round fruit category? Perhaps you’re a banana?

When I had been married for just a few years, my husband and I bought our first home. We moved into a lovely little neighborhood where it felt like everyone was the same age as us. The women around me were starting their families and were all perfect homemakers. They had a quilt club, embroidered darling wall hangings and pillows, were chefs in their own right, made handmade cards and scrapbooks, and decorated their homes so tastefully. I was thrilled. I had always wanted to be a ‘Domestic Diva’!

I joined their quilt club. I started a card club. I copied all their recipes and painted every room in my house. I read the books for book club. I went to the play groups. I made sure I fit in perfectly.

Over time, I couldn’t keep up. I made the quilt blocks, but the quilts never got made. I copied the embroidery pattern, but never had the desire to stitch. I had boxes of paper, but lost the drive to make anything with it. I had a closet which came to be known as my UPC (unfinished project closet). I felt guilty that I didn’t measure up and even felt like I’d let my friends down. I looked at these amazing women and wondered how they could do it all?

Eventually we moved across the country. (Yes, the UPC came too.) One day I was talking to a friend who enlightened me with a beautiful new understanding. We discussed how when we compare ourselves to others strengths, we’re usually not comparing ourselves to just one woman. We take the collective good of all the women we know, embody it into one person and then expect ourselves to measure up. We expect ourselves to be the whole fruit basket.

I shamefully looked back at this ‘Domestic Diva’ I was trying to be. While I was spending hours on my sewing machine, my babies were getting sick of the same toys on the floor. Their fussiness only added to my frustration and I frequently lost my temper. When I was staying up all night to cut paper and design cards, I was sleeping in the next morning, only to be aggravated when I was awoken by little guys who needed some breakfast. I was carrying guilt for the hours of T.V. they were watching, while I was diligently devouring the next book on the club list.

When I piled up all these collective qualities and tried to be great at every one of them, it only caused stress for me and my whole family. This is not to say that these talents or skills are not good. They are all wonderful, and add so much to the beauty of a home.  But, I was trying to accomplish them all at once.

Suddenly, I realized that ‘homemaker’ and ‘mother’ are not synonymous terms.  You can be a fabulous mother without having a June Cleaver home.

A burden was lifted as I realized that I don’t need to be everything. I discovered I only needed a change of focus. I needed to stop pretending to be something I wasn’t, decide what I did and didn’t like to do, and then balance it with my family’s needs.

Photo by jking89 at www.flickr.com

It was time for some introspection.  What was I good at? I quickly realized I am not a ‘Domestic Diva’, but I do love to teach my kids. I’m good at ‘table time’. This is where I sit down with my boys at our little round, blue table and we learn. We do patterns and multiplication with cereal or jelly beans, count dice while we play Yahtzee, spell with magnetic letters, or do a SUDOKU puzzle. I can throw a bang-a-rang ninja birthday party! I love to snuggle and read books with my kiddos. These are things I can be good at, even if I can’t keep a clean and beautifully decorated house.

It’s okay if I’m not my friend down the street who makes the fabulous fresh bread. I have a neighbor whose children are involved in many sports and she makes it to every game. That’s not me.

One of my friends has the patience of Job. I don’t think she has ever raised her voice with her children in her life. I assure you that is not me either. It would be awesome to be my friend who takes her kids on ‘adventures’, but we call it ‘going to the store’.

I know moms who are wonderful about getting down on the floor and playing, wrestling, or being silly. I see mothers who work and still sacrifice time to take their kids to art classes or soccer clubs. Mothers all around me have great relationships with their teenagers, or give up their future dreams to raise a grandchild.

There are a myriad of qualities that make up the fruit basket. I’ve come to the conclusion that there are so many yummy fruits out there, and each has a unique taste. Although we may be born a certain type of mother, we can always learn from the other mothers around us. Ultimately, we need to take what we are, embrace it, and share the flavor with those we love.

QUESTION: Which fruit are you? What qualities do you have that make you different from other mothers? Are there things you’re trying to do that are just not “you”? Are they making you a better person, or would you be better off letting them go for now?

CHALLENGE: If you’re trying to be too much or something you’re not, identify what you can let go of. Make a list of the mothering strengths you have and think about how you can use those strengths to make your family better.