The Products of Procrastination

How I Invented Turtle Cakes

noreply@blogger.com (Sahar) — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 04:31:00 +0000

Last night I was hit by a very powerful craving for some deep-fried southern balls of bliss: hush puppies.
Since I didn't have the opportunity to go out and buy some, I decided to try my luck at making my own.

Before I began my mission, I searched for a trust-worthy recipe online. I stayed up till the wee hours of the morning having a YouTube video marathon of watching people make golden brown hush-puppies. They'd "mm" and close their eyes and chew slowly as they bit into those golden brown cakes. I went to bed confident that tomorrow I'd make the most delicious hush puppies to ever enter our household. I may have even dreamed of hush puppies, but since we don't remember 95% of our dreams I'll never know.

The mishaps began at approximately 4:30 pm today.

I am absolutely positive that I followed the recipe word for word, and I remember talking to myself as I mixed all the essential ingredients in my mixing bowl.

I waited for the oil to heat up, finished mixing my ingredients, and witnessed my first problem. The batter was extremely runny. It was like hush puppy milkshake.

I poured some of the liquid out and added a bit more cornmeal. And flour. And salt. And...sugar. Okay, maybe I didn't follow the recipe exactly, but it was still pretty close.

I then started frying little globs of batter in my hot oil, and like Pokemon, they began a very interesting evolution process that would result in the invention of an entirely new food.

First, the batter refused to stick together and ended up forming a variety of little floating shapes. Many of these shapes were very uncooked.

Second, the batter began to gather itself and formed into almost-hush puppy shaped balls. My hopes shot up.

Then I tasted one of the almost-hush puppies and my hopes shot down again.

Third (after adding more salt and sugar to the batter), the globs began to flatten and form strange, flat circle shapes. This kept happening until I finished my batter.

I decided to show my hush puppy failures to my sister. She then said something very interesting.

And so they did.

My failure at making hush puppies had turned into a success at inventing a food that no man has ever seen or tasted before. Behold, Turtle Cakes!

And I assure you, they taste nothing like hush puppies.

Hipsters

noreply@blogger.com (Sahar) — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 19:23:00 +0000

The Matrix Paradox

noreply@blogger.com (Sahar) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 05:17:00 +0000

New Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Sahar) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 04:47:00 +0000

Ideas

noreply@blogger.com (Sahar) — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 11:43:00 +0000

The Ultimate Toe Stubbing Survival Guide

noreply@blogger.com (Sahar) — Sun, 22 May 2011 21:21:00 +0000

Sometimes walls and many other inanimate objects can turn into a person's worst enemy. Many times have I found myself walking innocently (or very unfortunately running) only to experience one of the most painful incidents ever subjected to mankind; stubbing my toe on some harmless structure in my path. At least I thought it was harmless before I stubbed my toe on it.

I have therefore devoted my time to creating this scrumptiously thorough survival guide which will give you the knowledge and power to defeat the numerous inanimate objects that seem to all be conspiring against us.

Warning: If you suffer from faint-heartedness, involuntary toe muscle spasms, vitamin W deficiency, panic-attack disorder, chronic fear of beavers, extreme toe jam, or experience any other similar symptoms DO NOT CONTINUE READING THIS SURVIVAL GUIDE. This survival guide is extremely powerful and you may not be able to survive.

THE ULTIMATE TOE STUBBING SURVIVAL GUIDE

Welcome to the Ultimate Toe Stubbing Survival Guide! This skillfully crafted guide will surely grant you extreme toe power if followed properly. In this guide, you will be briefed on the different ways to strengthen and protect your toes against the many different objects that may try to attack and debilitate your foot fingers. Read carefully and good luck!

Chapter 1: Knowing Your Toes

The first step of taking the journey to conquer the world's army of toe-hating objects is to get to know your own toes. Familiarize yourself with your weaker toes and your stronger toes. You must know your toes front and back in order to be able to fully protect them.

Here is a basic toe stubbing diagram:

Chapter 2: Strengthening Your Toes

The second step to achieving an ultimate victory in the raging battle between object and foot is to fortify the weapon. Just like in real battle, your toes must undergo excessive training in order to relentlessly punch through any wall, toy, or rock that obtrudes their path. These training methods aim to strengthen the toe muscles and to lubricate the toe joints. It is also beneficial to adopt methods that will give you calloused toes.

Here is a list of exercises and actions that are sure to invigorate your fleshy weapons:

Fast and Furious Toe Wiggling:

Benefits: More flexibility within the toe ligaments. Improvement of the endurance of the toes. Toe muscles will become more quick and efficient.

Toe Crunches:

Benefits: Hardens the toe's main muscle and tones the toe's supposed abdominal area.

Super Guitar Strings:

Benefits: Allows the toes to develop a calloused texture. This prevents the toe from being punctured by sharp objects.

Terrific Toe Typing:

Benefits: Provides the aspect of agility to the toes.

Toe Times Tables:

Benefits: Fortifies the toes in the area of intellect and gives them the ability to mathematically conquer the enemy.

Chapter 3: Knowing Your Enemy

Now that you've familiarized yourself with your toes and empowered them with vigorous exercising techniques, it is time to take the next step towards success: fraternizing with the enemy. Take the time to travel around your house or school or any place susceptible to toe stubbing and observe objects that look like they want to hurt you. Knowing the enemy will give you an incredible advantage during battles.

Here is a list of objects that are known to wait for unsuspecting toes:

Walls

Walls are the worst enemy. There are different ways you can stub your toes on a wall. You can:

1. Walk right into the wall and miraculously stub all of your toes.

2. Walk/run past a wall corner and stub your big toe on the way.

3. Kick a wall and stub your big toe. The damage can happen to the nail area or the fleshy area.

4. The absolute worst: running past a wall corner at top speed and catching your pinky toe on the corner.

This is extremely painful.

Toys

Rocks

Bed, Table, Bedside Table legs

Trash Cans

Stairs

Other Toes (Rare Event)

You never know when another toe might be an enemy.

You have successfully been briefed about the first three methods of becoming a survivor in this harsh world of toe stubbing. Take the time to practice what you have learned and to implant it into your brain.

The Ultimate Toe Stubbing Survival Guide is

To Be Continued...

MANPEN

noreply@blogger.com (Sahar) — Mon, 16 May 2011 15:53:00 +0000

Does this pen look strange to you....?

The Red Paint Fiasco

noreply@blogger.com (Sahar) — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 18:34:00 +0000

Cats make great company and they can be really sweet sometimes, but they have a bad habit of getting dirty really quickly. I live in a dusty area, so whenever my cat goes out with smooth, clean fur, she returns with nasty, rough fur. In order to keep her fur smooth and silky, I try to give her a bath as often as I can. This means once a week, but since both of us suffer in the process, it ends up being once every two weeks.

The other day, the most highly unlikely event became likely: I gave my cat two baths in one day. The first took place at noon and under very normal circumstances. She was dirty and I happened to have a sponge. The second, however, should have been avoided.

It was evening and I was happily preparing to paint a Scarlet Macaw on an extra canvas I had lying around. I had just squeezed some bright, red paint onto my palette when my cat popped up behind me and decided to investigate.

I pulled her away the first time and tried to get the message across that the paint was not for her. She sulked away and I continued my preparations only to have her pop up again for some more investigations. This time she was quicker than me and she plunged her right paw into the paint.

I yelped and grabbed her legs, immediately alerting her that she was in deep trouble. We fought our first battle, with me trying to hold on to her front legs and her trying to pull away.

Eventually I won. I hoisted her up into my arms and examined her paw. Thankfully, it was the only paint-covered part of her body. I took her to my bathroom and turned on the sink to rinse off the paint before it stained too much. It was like the Zombie Apocalypse had just begun.

My cat hates seeing running water come out of the sink. This is most probably due to the fact that I often threaten her after she's done something nasty by turning on the sink full-blast and holding her very near to it.

She began to violently squirm, attempting to escape. I had to hold on to her with all my might. Things started getting ugly.

Instead of having paint only on her paw, she had gotten it all over her body as well as smeared some on my new, blue shirt. I'm sure anyone who would have walked in on us at that moment would have gotten a very wrong impression.

I was really angry about my shirt, so I rinsed as much paint as I could off of her and locked her in my parents' bathroom while I returned to my own bathroom and used soap to clean up my shirt. I then dressed myself in an older shirt and prepared for some raging combat.

I knew that the moment I opened my parents' bathroom door, she'd try to whiz past me, so I opened it a crack and squeezed in as fast as I could. I then grabbed her, found her sponge beside me, dunked it in soapy water, and began to scrub all her paint-covered fur like there was no tomorrow.

I rinsed her off.

I carried her to back to my bathroom, where I dried her up with an extra towel.

I sat on the floor, exhausted and wondering why on earth I didn't carry her out of my room the first time she tried to sniff the paint, while she sat behind the toilet and gave me death stares.

I released her from my room and watched her travel to a corner and commence to lick herself all over; a method of mockery she has adopted to show me that her baths will always surpass mine. We forgave each other soon afterwards and life went back to normal.

Keep this anecdote in mind the next time you sit down to paint a Scarlet Macaw.

Tomato

noreply@blogger.com (Sahar) — Sun, 19 Dec 2010 20:05:00 +0000

Tomato is sad. He is confused. He doesn't know where he belongs. He feels like his origin floats around in a cracked jar sealed tight by the rust of his past and future.
Tomato is lost.

His sanity is tainted by a question that haunts his dreams, his wishes, his hopes, his imagination. He feels debilitated by an unfair controversy; fruit or vegetable? He knows it shouldn't matter, but his life revolves around finding the answer. He sits under the stars at night and contemplates his purpose in life. He directs his questions at the brightest star in the sky. His soul will remain disturbed until the day he discovers his true identity.

The vegetables are often taunting him, calling him a loser, defiling his reputation. They feed off of his misery like insatiable parasites, scavenging for every last drop of the juicy melancholy that forms the life of poor, unfortunate Tomato. They giggle at his clumsy instability. They guffaw at the squelches he makes when he walks.

They simply love to embarrass him.

Tomato's suffering is almost palatable. In fact, it is so eminent that the vegetables have developed a method for gathering his miserable vibes and converting their energy into a soft, creamy dip in which they like to swim every Saturday afternoon. The vegetables dive into his strife. They bathe in his suffering.

They are mean.

Tomato is so desperate for companionship that he views the vegetables' abuse as a way of including him. He tells himself that the vegetables are swimming in a part of him; a part of his soul. They are becoming close to him.

He convinces himself that the vegetables appreciate him for who he is.

No matter how many times he reiterates these assumptions to himself, no matter how many times he tells himself that he is acknowledged fairly, doubts float around in his conscience like lily pads float in ponds, and he finds himself in a helpless, depressing stupor all over again.

These doubts mostly appear when Tomato encounters the worst vegetable of them all:

Baby Carrot.

Baby Carrot is small but extremely aggressive for his size. He has problems. Internal and external problems that fester inside him and burst when life becomes too harsh. He takes all his anger out on poor Tomato.

He does this to look tough. He thinks it's cool.

Baby Carrot is a bully.

And to make matters worse, Tomato bruises easily.

Tomato tries to stay strong. He tries to keep his head above the water. He reminds himself that he has treasured values that not even Baby Carrot can take away.

When life gets really tough, Tomato sheds a tear or two, but he makes sure to keep his candle of hope away from threatening breezes.

Tomato tells himself he isn't the only one. He tells himself that life's hardships are to be learned from. Soon, Tomato finds a kindred spirit.

As they stare into each other's strange faces, Tomato and Eggplant realize that no matter what the problem is, it can always be conquered. They realize that life bestows its hardships on those it really appreciates.

They feel like they've known each other for a million years.

They are friends.

The Dangers of Resizing the Oreo Cookie

noreply@blogger.com (Sahar) — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 21:00:00 +0000

Oreos are probably the most useful cookies to ever exist upon the face of the earth. Composed of two black, chocolaty circles sandwiching sweet, sugary-white cream, the Oreo has the power to exert a certain calming effect over any whiny child and to entice their inner ability to endure life and its difficulties.

But what if the Oreo were to undergo some minor change?

Let's assume that Nabisco decides to add a few inches onto the Oreo cookie. Of course, they'll probably think that by making the Oreo bigger, kids will have more cookie to enjoy, parents will enjoy the fact that their children are enjoying larger cookies, and Nabisco will enjoy a larger profit.

But, no. That's not the way it works.

Let us examine the important aspects of the present size of an Oreo cookie. By observing the general diameter of the opening of a drinking cup and comparing it to the diameter of an Oreo cookie, we can see that the Oreo and cup exist in perfect harmony.

This is what would happen if the Oreo was enlarged.

And we all know what happens after that.

If we assume that Nabisco were to make the Oreo smaller, we can imagine a similar scenario.

Changing the present size of the Oreo will cause a widespread number of suicidal kids.

The World doesn't need that right now.

Trust me.

First Post

noreply@blogger.com (Sahar) — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 09:55:00 +0000

Today is a beautiful day.

That's why I'll give you a list of things I like:

It's a pretty big list.

First posts are always the best.