the RADISH

Humble Girl Wears “Modest is Hottest” T-shirt to Express Her Inner Beauty

2017-05-15T20:27:00.001-07:00

By Arianna Greld and Elizabeth Snodgrass

Brittney Betterfast, 17, was sighted at her Wednesday night youth group sporting a hot pink T-shirt emboldened with the phrase “Modest is Hottest” in large, gold sparkly letters. Intrigued with this success of his recent brother/sister-in-Christ relationship series, youth pastor Trent enthusiastically asked about it.

“I’m wearing this to reflect my inner beauty,” Brittney explained. “I want guys to notice that first about me--not my physical beauty. The inner part is hard to see at first glance so I have to spell it out for those stupid men.”

“I love it too because it’s a great way to weed out the shallow guys who only care about the physical side of relationships. I know this shirt’s message could be a rock of offense to immature, worldly guys, but I can be confident that with this shirt on, only a truly godly man will take the initiative to pursue me and recognize me for the rare gem that I am. Plus, I just want to represent my life verse, Proverbs 31:30 ‘Charm is deceptive and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.’ ”

Brittney’s humble femininity shone like a beacon in the youth group that night. No guy was mature or righteous enough to break through the bright, pure halo surrounding her person throughout the evening.

Rumours have it that Brittney is planning to don her “Jesus Is My Boyfriend” T-shirt next week.

Celebrities Discovered to Have Actual Human-like Feelings

2015-09-29T14:18:00.001-07:00

Photo creds: youtube.com/JimmyKimmelLive

By: Arianna Greld

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA—Studies have recently shown that celebrities surprisingly possess the human-like quality known as emotion, or personal feelings, yet the majority of citizens around the world remain slow to catch up on this incredible breakthrough.

When one of our reporters interviewed Hollywood pedestrians whether they had ever written a comment on the internet insulting a celebrity, most shamelessly chuckled and admitted they had.

"Who hasn't?" was the public's general response.

However, when addressed on the findings of celebrities either battling depression, their family being affected, or being forced to take drastic safety measures all due to careless or malicious feedback, pedestrians merely blushed, stammered, downplayed the negativity of their own comments, or argued that it was only constructive criticism.

Apparently the current generation can somehow be obsessed with promoting "good vibes", "world peace", and "love for all", while concurrently refusing to grasp the all-too-profound concept that their cruel opinions are, in fact, in opposition to the very things they rally for with rainbow filters and hashtags, reaching people who are shockingly not stone robots, as well as the fact that the internet can continue to function effectively without what they have to say.

Additional studies are being done to investigate the phenomenon of celebrities possibly having further normalcy in their lives such as dentist appointments, grocery shopping, or odd hobbies such as taking walks in the park and needing solitude, or what is known as "peace and quiet".

Study Reveals Sunglasses Mainly Worn to Appear Inconspicuous

2015-09-25T17:57:00.001-07:00

By: Elizabeth Snodgrass & Arianna Greld

Reporter Roger Schmidtt has been studying the role of sunglasses in modern day societies. He was intrigued by the observations of sunglasses being worn in all weathers. Through various interviews of random subjects on the streets, Schmidtt uncovered the root of this strange trend.

"They just make me feel safe," 71 year old Marge Hamilton confided. "You never know what these young hooligans are up to these days."

17 year old Nemo Waldon expanded on Hamilton's perception: "I enjoy feeling hidden in a crowd."

One of Schmidtt's largest breakthroughs came while interviewing a young woman sitting alone in a coffee shop with a notebook and pen. "I love the freedom they give me to people-watch shamelessly," Madison Rafie explains brightly. "People are so fascinating, and a major source of inspiration for an aspiring writer. I definitely would not have been able to acquire the material I've needed had my subjects noticed they were being observed."

Schmidtt uncovered another conception about sunglasses: it is unnerving not being able to see a person's expressions and reactions. "I just like intimidating people I talk to," Biff Farkus grins. "I mean, just think of how lame body guards would look if they didn't have dark shades."

Even six-year-old girls display a more confident strut when decked out in their neon, heart-shaped accessories.

One young man powerfully reinforced Schmidtt's findings: when approached for an interview, the passerby merely stared in nervous shock for a moment before swiftly donning his sunglasses and disappearing.

A librarian thoughtfully paused at the question and finally sighed, "Well...eye contact with other humans is simply terrifying."

Narcissistic Social Media User Puts "Blessed" as Their Bio

2015-06-23T14:43:00.003-07:00

Photo creds: dearlydesigned.com

By: Arianna Greld

VAN NUYS, CA—Somehow Bellynda Button, 22, believed that the little word "blessed" in her bio could assuage a narcissistic feed filled with selfies, too much skin, and open bragging. Hashtags with "blessed" on individual photos were not omitted either. Frequent editing of her bio description was obvious, though she always made sure to keep this specific word and one other. After all, crafting a self-proclaimed character is so much more accurate than real actions. No one would suspect that Button was the type of person to cyber bully others—for example, leaving negative comments on supposedly inhuman celebrity profiles was one of her favorite pastimes. Despite her every picture and caption screaming I'm so much cooler than you, look at my awesome life, the additional description "humility" in her bio totally made up for it.

Friend Posts Annoyingly Vague Injury Picture

2015-06-15T15:42:00.000-07:00

By: Arianna Greld

OKAY, OK—Another unfortunate online trend has emerged, and Sadie Logg, 21, is one of the many annoyed bystanders unable to escape this nuisance.

An acquaintance of hers, Dan Spek, 18, recently posted a photo on social media showcasing an injured leg wrapped up in a cast, lying on the bed, accompanied by a vague caption: It's not vacation unless you have to take one afterwards to recover.

Logg pauses her scrolling for a moment to scan the stream of relentless comments asking What happened?!, looking for the explanation. Of course, it is not uncommon for social media trends to utilize ambiguity in order to gain excessive attention, and thus, the explanation of Spek's injury was nowhere to be found. "Why did I even bother?"

Meanwhile, Spek was pondering whether to respond to comments in 6 hours, 24 hours, or altogether not at all. "An air of mystery is an attractive quality," he admits. "It reminds people that there's more to you than meets the eye, as well as making you seem hard to reach—not just anyone can earn your trust. People say too much online these days. Plus, if you're walking down the street, you wouldn't have a sign taped to you saying, 'I broke my leg tripping Grandma', they would just see that it's broken. So I'm just keepin' it real...alistic."

Logg continues scrolling on her feed and lands on another injury photo, this time more gross—a closeup of someone's smashed bloody toe. "Not again! Like...why would you even post that?! It's disgusting. No one wants to see that!" Of course, the caption read, I guess I'm a bit clumsy, once again offering no explanation. "It's such an attention hoggish thing to do," sighs Logg. "It's quite unattractive."

Spek, checking his notifications every five minutes to see if anyone new inquired after his leg, manages to take a moment to scroll down his feed, making sure he filled his quota for the day of sacrificially showing interest in others. "Oh, wonder what's wrong with her grandpa...?" Logg had just posted a picture of an elderly man lying in a hospital bed with an intubator, reading He's the bravest man I know.

After a moment of deliberation, Spek decides against commenting. "I don't feel too bad for him, but I really want to know what happened."

Man Attending Church Picnic More Interested in Food than People

2015-06-15T15:28:00.002-07:00

By: Elizabeth Snodgrass

HINKLEY, MN—Jim Hanson, 26, says he is more interested in the food at the upcoming church picnic than meeting new people or deepening relationships.

"Of course, there's going to be hot dogs and chips--love that," Hanson says thoughtfully. "All the usual cook-out fare. What I'm really hoping for," he continued dreamily, "is that marshmallow-y fruit salad people bring sometimes."

Despite having only a limited social circle, Hanson has no intent of striking up any conversations. "That's not really my thing," he says in a matter-of-fact tone. "Especially because most church people are either really old or really young. Oh—do you think they'll have an ice cream truck?!" He finished hopefully.

Male Ladybug Just Wants to Feel Manly for One Day

2015-06-11T15:11:00.001-07:00

Man Dies after Looking too Hard at Twinkie

2015-06-11T14:38:00.002-07:00

By: Elizabeth Snodgrass

GREASY, OK—John Adkins, age 32, was found dead last evening in the trailer home where he lived with his parents. Although ascertaining the cause of death was difficult, experts concluded that he ‘looked too hard’ at a Twinkie.

“It wasn’t a particularly violent Twinkie,” assesses the coroner, Jorkin Spenlow. “But it’s understandable that when a person practically lives on Twinkies (as Adkins did), continually underrating the great potential power inherent in them, he deserves a bit of a rude awakening.” It seems that Adkins’ blood sugar spiked exponentially after looking at the innocent cake, leading to his demise. Spenlow explains that processed foods have many hazards, but Twinkies are the king of them all, having so many preservatives that they never spoil. “They could survive any sort of apocalypse. But you don’t need to be too careful,” the coroner added hurriedly, glancing rather guiltily around at his sterile, modern work area, and then down at his expensive suit.

The police are still unsure what prompted such a ‘hard stare’ on Adkins’ part, but his friends don’t view the occurrence as any deep mystery.

“He had been talking about Davy Crockett, and was very intrigued about ‘staring down’ wild animals for food,” said close friend Bob Brown. “Of course, Johnny didn’t have any wild animals about, so the Twinkie was the best he had to choose from.”

“Johnny fought the Twinkie and the Twinkie won,” another friend chimed in sorrowfully.

Adkins’ mother, Jessica, was blunter. “He always had such delusions of being a macho man,” she said derisively. “As if he could ever figure out how to kill and eat anything! He only ate what I fried for him, or stuff out of packages and bags. He wasn’t even man enough to get a job and a trailer of his own. At least he’s finally out of my place.”

“He always was rather frail,” a friend recalls mournfully at the funeral. “I’m just so sad that we can’t have our nightly gaming sessions anymore. John was always first-in and last-out with the chips and doughnuts we would snack on. A true leader!” Here the friend broke down into heart wrenching sobs.

Indeed, the long, slouched corpse of Adkins is abnormally white, even for a cadaver—and a general air of sickliness haunts his face. His grieving friends, however, gathering around the casket, do not notice this.

“Actually, the weird thing is that he looks incredibly lifelike,” commented the undertaker, a family friend. Lowering his voice, he confides in nervous awe: “This is the strangest corpse I’ve ever seen. It’s been three days in the blistering Oklahoma heat, and the body hasn’t deteriorated a bit.”

The family physician, when questioned about his reaction to this phenomenon, was not surprised. “Well what do you expect,” he said harshly, “when all the man ate was stuffed with preservatives? All those Twinkies practically embalmed him.”

Woman Obsessively Inches Her Car Forward While Waiting at Stop Light

2015-06-11T14:34:00.001-07:00

Woman Develops Emotional Disorder after Scrolling through Facebook Newsfeed

2015-06-11T14:24:00.002-07:00

By: Arianna Greld

NEW YORK CITY, NY—Facebook Newsfeed these days is a complete mess, a conglomerate of content ranging from completely depressing to utterly delightful. Dory Tang, 43, has been keenly suffering the effects of such emotional stimulation. It was a regular evening, where after a monotonous day at her unfulfilling job, Tang was in much need of some empty relational fulfillment where she would routinely spend a few hours on Facebook, seemingly advancing her shallow connections with her shallow acquaintances. But during one particular liking and commenting session, she found herself scheduling an appointment with the doctor due to the uncontrollable roller-coaster of emotions she experienced.

"Dory went through a lot that night, the poor dear," psychologist Opal Finwrey reported. "Reading about the illness of her barista's grandpa's cousin's nephew only to follow that with a funny cat video is a lot to take in. Not to mention the engagement of her childhood friend, as well as the political argument on her wall, and moving campaign for adorable rescue animals. All of these stirrings of concern, amusement, joy, annoyance, and compassion can be too much for a body."

"We put her through further testing to be sure our diagnosis was correct," Dr. Philip Holmes assured. "We waited until a celebrity she didn't even remotely follow passed away, and unfortunately, she joined in the internet-wide mourning by composing one of millions of seemingly heartfelt but insincere tributes. This confirmed her emotionally unstable nature."

"We recommended her to discontinue her use of Facebook, but she was hesitant," Finwrey explained. "Thankfully we were able to reach an agreeable compromise. Aside from the proper medication, we prescribed Pinterest to her. The emotions it stimulates are more consistent at least, such as awe, happiness, or amusement, with the occasional frustration for not having the advanced skill levels to accomplish some of the 'easy' DIY projects. The alternative was Google Plus, which is even more consistent and only stimulates one emotion: loneliness. But we thought, that's not healthy. She has enough of that since already spends all her down time alone on the internet."

Teenage Girl Starts Mediocre Photography Page

2015-06-11T08:36:00.001-07:00

By: Arianna Greld

BORING, OR—Jessica Creely, 15, was one of several million starry-eyed teenage girls aspiring to share their mediocre photography with the world. With a portfolio primarily comprised of images of close-up flowers, sunsets with added filters, average clouds, and her pet cat Mittens, Creely ensures that her work will have no potential of standing out from anyone else's. She prides herself on her favorite shot, a macro of her eyeball, though failing to regard the tacky clump of heavy makeup-laden eye lashes protruding in an odd direction. Creely also regards her editing skills to be superior, grinning contentedly at her excessive vintage filters, obvious vignettes, and high contrast. Now and then an inspirational quote in Comic Sans will also be added in text over the image. None of Creely's friends, however, have the guts to inform her of the true pathetic quality of her work, and conclude it is better to allow her to remain in blissful ignorance.

College Student Begins Hating Former Favorite Jam After Setting it as Alarm

2015-06-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

By: Elizabeth Snodgrass

DINKYTOWN, MN—Angie Metus,18, nervously twitches whenever she hears the opening strains of what was once her favorite song.

"It just gives me this horrible sinking feeling," she shudders. "It reminds me of all my responsibilities and the things I have to do."

Metus says that she only set the song as her alarm about a week ago. "This has happened before," she recalls. "But each time I set a new song, the sense of gloom seems to set in faster. It's sad, because it really ruins the songs for me."

Despite this depressing cycle, Metus intends to continue setting new songs for her alarm, but isn't sure what she's going to do when all her favorite tunes are used up.

Chalkboard Question at Local Coffee Shop Reveals Community’s Low Aspirations and Struggling Economy

2015-06-10T19:11:00.002-07:00

By: Elizabeth Snodgrass

ROGERS, MN—Recently, the local Caribou Coffee’s “Chalkboard Thoughts” question queried the community on their dream jobs. However, despite a few more generic and admirable dreams (‘veterinarian’ figured largely, but experts assume such answers came mostly from starry-eyed and unrealistic 12 year old girls), a disturbing trend emerged.

From humble but respectable occupations, such as “Zamboni Driver”, “Garbage Man”, and “Curb Painter”, the job outlook grew only gloomier as people began expressing hopes for positions such as “Stay at home Dad”. Economical and sociological experts take this to be proof of not only a struggling economic community, but one that has grown lazy and depressed.

“We must conclude that the job market is making people very desperate,” explained Dr. Rita Schnieder, who has a Ph.D.’s in Psychology, “if hauling garbage around for a living is the stuff dreams are made of in this community.”

Another doctor we interviewed, Dr. Steele, expressed an additional assessment of the population. “Not only have these people lowered their expectations,” he said, “but they have also grown accustomed to the idleness of having either very brainless jobs or none at all. Their very dreams have gone downhill, and they now do not even aspire to productive or mentally stimulating jobs. Beyond simply not daring to dream of enviable, lucrative jobs, these people do not even want such occupations anymore. To say it frankly, they have grown lazy as a result of their desperate circumstances.”

As the chalkboard attested, the downtrodden community soon stretched to inventing jobs, but even these were menial or downright miserable, such as “Bacon Maker” and “Road kill cleaner”—a far cry from the inspiring and enjoyable jobs one would expect a thriving and happy people group to invent. One person, in what can only be viewed as a surge of extreme hopelessness, expressed a dream of quitting the human race altogether, and becoming “a dog” for his job (it seemed heartless to inform the person that dogs are not paid for existing and are in fact often left to starve on the streets, so our reporter wept silent tears but left the desperate person in blissful ignorance). In an example of the bitterness and spite the harsh circumstances have created in the population, the final entry was “Barista at Starbucks”.

Local Dogs Confused about Their Identities

2015-06-10T18:54:00.000-07:00

By: Arianna Greld & Elizabeth Snodgrass

SOUTHFIELD, MI & ROGERS, MN—Life is tough for residential dogs Daisy of Michigan and Lucy of Minnesota. Despite living in loving homes with adequate food and care, these canines struggle daily with their personal identities.

"Woof woof," Daisy, a Pembroke Welsh Corgi, barks to express her confusion. Translator (and owner) Shirley Kendrick, 19, explains the situation: "Well, we just love calling her many different pet names besides her own. It's just our way of expressing our affection for her." Kendrick admitted that she and her older brother Oliver, 21, call her things such as 'fuzzy caterpillar', 'fox', 'hotdog', and 'sausage', because of the breed's natural short and long appearance. Daisy feels conflicted going from comments of her being a "good dog" (or "bad dog"), to suddenly an insect or food.

"We also call her fatty," Oliver chimed in openly. "It sort of has an effect on her self-esteem, but we make up for it by petting her and stuff."

"She's always been emotionally unstable anyway," Shirley adds. "But we do call her the popular pet names too, like 'pumpkin', 'pookie', or 'baby'. I think she likes those better."

Over in Minnesota, Lucy, a black Labrador retriever, is conflicted by the various terms her owners Hilda, 18, and Seth Lovegood, 16, use when they call to her. Although endowded with a younger mind, she might be the more confused of the two poor dogs. Besides being called various animal names such as 'cow' and 'hog', she is also referred to as inanimate objects such as 'enameled doorbell'. When asked about this last term, the owners replied,"We don't know....it just sorta seemed to fit."

Besides being confused by her various names, Lucy is also tormented by one of her owners. "I love to sneak up behind her when she's sleeping, and pounce," Seth commented. "It's fun to see her jump. You can tell she likes it because she always wags her tail." However, Lucy's other owner, Hilda, maintains that the tail wagging is always done in a perplexed, apologetic way, as though sadly asking what she had done to deserve such treatment. The trusting dog, she says, never considers that she might not deserve it.

Lucy is also subject to phrases from Shakespeare, such as 'fretful porpentine'. "This one really makes sense because she is fretful," Hilda, an English major, explains. "You can see it in her eyes when Seth approaches her in a sneaky way."

"What's a 'porpentine'?" Our reporter asked, almost as confused as Lucy.

"It's an old English word for porcupine," Hilda enlightened, though failing to explain how that part of the term actually applies to the dog.

Sadly, the confusing effects of these terms have begun to show themselves. The poor dog frequently eats grass like the cow she is constantly referred to as, and also gnaws on bark like a porcupine. Although she has not yet attempted to moo or climb trees, sources say that Lucy often snorts and grunts like a veritable hog. "When she's excited, she sneezes and snorts," Hilda says.

"And when I jump on her, she grunts," Seth added.

As they live in different states, these two confused canines don't even have the comfort of each other's company and sympathy. The last we heard, the four owners were still busily creating affectionate though confusing nicknames--and the two dogs remain largely ignorant of their oppression, apparently believing that such mental and emotional abuse is the deserved lot of their species.

Retail Employee Finds Herself Secretly Racist, but Not in a Bad Way

2015-06-10T17:31:00.002-07:00

By: Arianna Greld

HUMANSVILLE, MO—Retail employees interact with an array of people on a regular basis, most of them neatly fitting into their racial stereotypes. Therefore unsuspecting cashier Sharqueesha Smithy, a Mexican-German 20 year old, was caught off-guard one day when a very Asian customer opened his mouth to only pour forth a thick Australian accent. Being so jarred caused Smithy to later reflect on why she internally reacted that way. "I came to the realization that I had been secretly harboring racist assumptions, I guess," Smithy shrugged. "Not bad ones though, just normal ones."

Teenage Girls Plunder Local Garage Sales

2015-06-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

By: Arianna Greld & Elizabeth Snodgrass

LUCK STOP, KY—Three friends have recently discovered a new summer pastime: garage sales. Riley Lafond, 18, Zoe Holt, 19, and Leila Williams, 17, have spent hours compulsively following every garage sale sign that comes in sight. "There's something about the arrows that they just can't pass up," mutual friends say. "It's like they're under a spell...or maybe it's just OCD." After successfully obtaining a number of treasures from these junk lots, the girls share their tips and tricks:

"The best thing we've learned is to only carry limited amounts of cash," Lafond explains. "Then when you're bargaining, you can pitifully say, 'I only have seven dollars...' which forces them to accept your meager offer."

The greedy garage sale hosts, they say, can never resist.

"It helps if you wave the cash in front of them," Holt chimes in. "Also make sure you use a soft, innocent tone when you make any low offer of sorts. That really seals the deal."

Williams agrees: "So far, they always prefer the small amount of money we offer instead of none at all." Obviously, these sale hosts feel deep down the disgrace of thinking other people want to buy their rejected stuff. They know they should be grateful for whatever customers they get, and most likely the first offer on any random object will also be the last.

When at one checkout, Holt unashamedly offered three dollars instead of the already cheap cost of four dollars for two pairs of nice earrings. "Well, I guess I can't refuse you!" said the host. Clearly there were tones of defeat despite the man's jolly countenance.

Besides gaining treasures and bargains, the girls also enjoy seeing what sort of stuff other people have.

"You can tell a lot about someone else by what they own...and what they throw away," the girls explain. "Sometimes it's hard to tell though--are people respectable if they have good stuff at their sales, or stupid because they're getting rid of the good stuff?"

Sometimes, people are selling really dumb, boring stuff. "We've learned a way to bitterly express our disappoinment," Lafond says. "To protest the fact that they think anyone would be interested in their junk, we trot really fast past everything, and show that nothing was worth even a second's consideration."

"It's a really strong statement," Williams says in a half-satisfied, half-guilty tone.

"You also must be wary of little children and their lemonade stands," Holt remembers to caution. "Sometimes the mom makes it, but we learned the hard way that sometimes the children themselves concoct it." The girls took a few polite sips in front of three eager little girls at one garage sale, but later were glad to dump out the rest of the horrible drink, their thirst instantly gone despite walking around for hours in the sun. "For one second I thought it was going to be fresh-squeezed and delicious. Never have I had more futile hopes." Holt sighed bitterly.

"It tastes like a three-year old made it!" Lafond exclaimed, disgusted, after being out of their earshot, laughing at the literal truth of that statement.

"It was such a disappointment," Holt recalls. "As soon as I heard the flavor was kiwi-strawberry, my mouth started watering. But it tasted like medicine." The girls concluded that while it was nice to bring some joy to these little girls' day, it was better to not risk being poisoned again.

Inevitably, garage sales also entail awkward conversations with the hosts. "You have to be prepared," the girls warned. One of them began to talk about her coat that she got in Italy, which Lafond and Holt were considering.

"I used to wear it again and again, but then I grew FAT." The host remarked laughingly, yet somewhat mournfully. Lafond and Holt exchanged a glance, feeling amused and now self-conscious of their slimmer figures while the lady complained. "I got it in Milan, Italy," she sighed, as if in a dream, "I'm finally parting with it after all these years!" the host continued to ramble as if this inanimate piece of cloth was her old lover. Fortunately, Lafond and Holt managed to escape further conversation after making a quick payment of a measly couple dollars.

All in all, the girls insist that garage saling is the way to go. "After all, one man's trash is another man's treasure."