If you asked me yesterday if I was happy, I would say, “Not really”.

If you ask me tomorrow if I would be happy, I would say, “I’m not sure”.

I think I’m slipping fast into some serious postnatal depression. It’s not like I have been going all out to purposely feel depressed. I just feel…overwhelmed yet “forced” into things all the time. I’m constantly angry and what’s worse is that I refuse to be comforted. I would drop one thing today and be angry over another thing tomorrow – a couple of days ago, it was the neighbour’s kids; yesterday, it was how I responded to some questions a recruiter sent over. I’m always tired even though I do get enough rest; it’s like I have an invisible burden on my shoulders and no one seems to be helping me to cope…

After some quiet reflection, I realized that the problem is with me – I’m just not happy with my life.

I’m happy with being a mother but I resent having to go back to work and give her to someone else to take care of, even if it is my parents. I don’t want that – I’m not cut out to be a part-time or weekend mother. Other people can do it but not me. And the whole “you don’t have a choice” reasoning just, well, pisses me off. It’s not like we’re starving and yet people keep telling me that I shouldn’t be a burden onto my husband, “help him carry the financial burden” with adds another reason as to why I am pissed with him. What about him helping me carry the parental burden? Why doesn’t anyone consider that? What is so great about a man who works to bring home the bacon so much so that his wife has to sacrifice her life so that he can get some help? What about the woman who was to cook, clean, care for her children and husband? Doesn’t she deserve to get ANY help?

Why doesn’t anyone screw my husband upside down whenever he stays at the office and leaves me to care for our daugther alone? When he does it day after day after day? Instead, I get people telling me that I should let him sleep through the night, he doesn’t have to wake up to change the diapers and so forth, that I should dress up to impress him and not look like a maid, that I should take fat burners and lose some weight, that I should do ALL the housechores and keep the house clean and tidy so that when he comes home, he can relax… Talk about stupid, biased social expectations that do absolutely nothing but teach a man that he can be lazy and lord over his wife & treat her like a slave, that fatherhood means bring back the bacon and not spending a single ounce of his time with his own daugther…

I already cook, clean and take care of his daugther full-time for him. I sacrificed a well-paying job I loved in order to move to Switzerland where I become a WAHM. Then we decided that I should become a SAHM and now I have to give up being a SAHM just to go back to work again for him? Seriously, I’m feeling quite tired of having to give up more than I want to ALL the time plus the constant plan change is annoying me.

I know it’s weird of me to say this but I hate Singapore. I wasn’t very keen on moving back to Singapore in the first place because I knew how it was going to be like – the noisy, the social & cultural expectations, the whole craziness of it all. I had a taste of it once in Kuala Lumpur and I was somewhat relieved (after some time) to be rid of it while we were in Switzerland. Now that I’m back in this part of the world, I am constantly reminded about what I left behind. I hate how there are so many people, how it’s noisy ALL the time, so noisy that I can’t seem to hear myself think anymore… People shouting on the top of their voices, people talking oh-so-loudly to the person next to them, screaming over the phone, buses zooming past, people reeving up their car engines and motorbikes. Heck, I’m on the 10th floor and I can hear all this clearly. Throng after throngs of people everywhere…it gives me a headache.

Sometimes I really wish we can move back to Europe but then part of me always feels guilty because it would be that Nil would have to find a job all over again and so forth. Then I get angry again – “Why do I have to feel guilty for wanting some shred of happiness? Why do I have to sacrifice my happiness? Why can’t my hubby share the load as well?” – and it bugs me because it’s a neverending cycle. It really feels like I have no more say in anything, that I’m just tagging along and dancing to the whims & fancies of someone else, that I have no control over my life anymore. I read that postnatal depression can hit any time within the first year…am I going through it? Sigh.

Honestly, I don’t think I’m cut out for living in Asia. Unfortunately, it’s where Nil is working. So bah. Perhaps I should see a counsellor or someone about this. Heh.

No point letting all that yummy fibre and yarn go to waste so they are now up for “adoption”. So up for grabs at the mo are some loving fibres by Ewe Give Me The Knits, JulieSpins and Spindlefrog as well as some yummy laceweight yarns.

Do have a look see at my destash page here to find out more about prices and shipping. I’m awfully tempted to put up my unddyed yarns and fibre stash up but will see how it goes. I just need to find the time to dye up some goodies!

So what’s in store for the unveil? Hopefully the pic above will be tantalizing enough…

I have been busy but never quite this crazy busy, trying to rush out items for the store while making sure that I get enough rest. It has even gotten to the point where I have smallish pimples popping up on my forehead (best acne treatment, anyone?) and of all places, my thighs – well, they aren’t pimples…just red bumps that are filled with funny stuff when I press them. But enough of the gross stuff.

In my quest to have a lovely unveil for the new storefront, I had initially decided to sew up two types of baby items and crochet booties. One week later, I’ve only done four pairs of booties and about a dozen baby items. Not a lot, if you ask me. It doesn’t help that I’m constantly distracted with new items of what to feature for the store, shopping for materials for supposed new items and well, just wanting to be lazy! Ah, the perils of running a store! I definitely need to focus, focus, focus!!!

• enzymes
• phosphates
• brightening agents
• softener
• bleach
• and if possible, fragrance

That pretty much rules out every adult detergent around as they contain bleach which can destroy the fabric and PUL layer or softeners which make the diapers less absorbent. Some baby detergents contain whitening agents which leave a residue or enzymes to help with cleaning which either leave residues or worse, destroy your diaper.

So when a M’sian based seller recommended Pureen HAD which contains none of those things and was a cheaper alternative to Country Save and 7th Generation Baby Laundry Detergent, I thought it was great.

After making phone calls and visits to at least six different stores in one day, it wasn’t really all that great any more. I did ask Mum to help me get some back in KL (and we chatted too…about a few things and the fact that she actually went out and bought one of those weight loss diet pill stuff I put up on my blog) to keep at her place for us to use when we come over with Eva.

It wasn’t until this morning that I woke up to an email from the Pureen supplier here that I found out why it was so difficult to look for this particular bottle/model/brand/whatever. They had discontinued it!!!! ARGH! So much for looking for a cheaper alternative.

Now I’m on the hunt for some 7th Generation detergent and if the cost comes up to about the same as Country Save, I might just make the trip now to Bumwear and get it from Rita directly there and then. If you thought that observing poop colour is a sign that you’re a mom, wait till you get to the part where even the brand or type of laundry detergent drives you bonkers!

All I managed to churn out were three measly pairs of booties – I got sidetracked with job hunting (was almost tempted to look at ANY job, even healthcare jobs), working on the shop’s storefront and getting in supplies, and then got bogged down with another case of food poisoning on a weekday. All this on top of the usual cooking and cleaning plus Eva being fussier than usual – I suspect she got scared by the thunderstorm over the weekend (she just refused to sleep and wailed her eyeballs out for over an hour). Poor baby.

I’ve also been busy tracking down some bloody Pureen HAD (Hypo-allergenic Detergent) laundry detergent. You think it’d be easy to find but nooooo, almost all the shops I called or have been too either don’t stock the brand OR they stock the anti-bacterial version, which is not what I’m after. Talk about going nutty over soap powder. One thing I discovered along the way is how I absolutely abhor how companies don’t list down the ingredients that goes into their soap. It’s as if they are afraid that someone will find out that they are using some banned ingredient and such – if that is the case to begin with in the first place. Heh.

Worse come to worse, I might buy some back in Malaysia or fork out extra cash for imported organic detergent like Country Save or 7th Generation. Bah.

For the past few days, I have been busy cutting fabrics, sewing, setting up a storefront, and now, crocheting plus putting in orders for supplies on top of my usual housechores, running errands and grocery shopping. Yes, my bad for not checking my stock and assuming that I could get the same supplies here in Singapore and well, as you can see, I have sort of settled into the “thick” of things. *beams*

Anyway, here I am crocheting and dozing off at the same time – lack of sleep not to mention the lack of naps during the afternoon when Eva sleeps is well, taking its toll. I swear I lost some weight too – that ought to get me to stop looking at weight loss products – in the process. I still take Eva out for her evening strolls despite having a full day.

Sometimes I take a breather, look around and catch a glimpse of my daugther sleeping, and I tell myself this – “This is my life – I’m turning into a factory yet I love it.”

Yes, I’m integrating a shopping cart into the shop’s site and with any luck, it should be up and running in time for the unveil of the Tiny Tots line. Of course that means I’ll be awfully quiet and tired for the next few days on top of the sewing and all.

Hai, the perils of being a one-man show. O’well…

Part of me is awfully tempted to leave the yarns and rovings over at Etsy, and feature only baby goods at shop.thescarfer.net for a variety of reasons; one of which being that the target crowd over at the Etsy shop is very different from what I’d like for the baby goods (non-crafters, that is). Another is that in the long run, I’d like to keep my shop domain running for its actual purpose – a store!

So for now, do bear with me as I do some tinkering to the storefront over at shop.thescarfer.net – I promise it’ll be in working condition when I unveil my new range next week!

In the meantime, anyone up for some Orlando vacations? I’m in serious need of some “me” time!

Anyway, there have been numerous “complaints” about how long and tedious it is renewing a Malaysian passport overseas. Well, I would agree IF you are working. For a SAHM like myself, it’s not that bad, provided you prepare yourself with the necessary documents and such before making the trip to the embassy. For passport renewal and application (it’s the same procedure actually), you’ll need

• a copy of the IM.42 form filled out (you can print it out from here but make sure the end result is double sided instead of on two separate sheets of paper),
• two passport sized photos (no polaroids, blue background please and make sure it’s bigger than the usual S’pore passport size pic – just tell your usual photographer at the studio that it’s for a M’sian passport),
• the original and photocopy of your M’sian IC (front and back on the same side of one A4 paper)
• the original and photocopy of your S’porean IC/pass
• approximately SGD130 for a 32 page passport

The embassy is located at 301 Jervois Road, near Tiong Bahru MRT – but note that it’s at least a good 20 minutes on foot from the MRT so you may want to catch a cab to the embassy instead. Submissions are only from Mondays to Fridays, starting from 8am till 11:30am. Often, there is already a queue of people at 7:30am as the embassy will only accept 200 applications a day. Once the tally has been filled, they will accept no more so come early if you can.

I arrived just around 8am and after exchanging my POSB bank card for a security pass (you’ll need your IC and S’porean pass so they accept credit cards, bank cards, student passes, so forth), I made my way to the Immigration section and stood in line to get a submission number. Do note that if you don’t have the IM.42 form, you can get it at the same guard house where you get your security pass.

At the Immigration section, there will be someone there to check your documents and such prior to you getting your submission number and there are also photocopying as well as photo ID services available. Then your wait will begin. I was the 30th person and it took about 45 minutes to an hour before it was my turn to submit my papers. At the count for submission, they’ll look at the papers, ask for your thumb print (left and right), then hand a ticket as well as your application back to you for you to proceed to the cashier where you will find yourself parting with around SGD130.

Don’t forget to retain the receipt that will be issued to you upon receipt of payment (and don’t forget to take back your original IC and pass). Collection for passports can be done on the same day but only from 230pm till 415pm. For those who are unable to collect on the same day (like in my case), you have a week to do so.

Overall, the experience was pleasant and fast (by M’sian standards, that is) plus the folks at the embassy were very friendly – especially those working at the guardhouse. I left two hours after arrival and hitched a cab after deciding that I wasn’t going to brave the 20 minute walk to the MRT in the hot sun with Eva in the ring sling. Only downside to the whole thing was that the toilets – while clean – were crampy, there were no changing tables for Eva and I had to breastfeed her outside where it was less crowded and well, more “private”. Otherwise, thumbs up to the whole experience!

For more info, please visit the High Commission of Malaysia’s website here.

I swear the best fat burners around are work and exercise. Not that I’m working full time but the shop is open again and while my usual stock of yarn and rovings are up on sale, I’m busy preparing the Tiny Tots range which I hope will do well.

It’ll feature more of my handsewn items rather than handcrochet or handknitted because of a few reasons – I didn’t want anything that will cost too much or is impractical. Plus dyeing has become somewhat difficult with a child – I can only dye my stuff on the weekends when Nil is around to keep her occupied (coz of the noise factor) so sewing is the next best thing.

To be honest, I’m quite excited about the stuff I have in mind for the store and am looking forward to churning them out. Plus this time, we have a test model at hand!!! Yes, who else but my little Eva!

Oh, just in case you thought that the foodie in me has died, fret not – coming up next, a yummy (and pretty ease) Thai beef salad recipe!