The Serum Magazine

Billy's Opinion: Subway Games

2013-05-01T08:20:00.001-04:00

Going to work blows. Riding the subway doesn't have to. Here are some games to help pass the time. Remember, be competitive!

This is My Stop!
Regardless of the station, act as though you are the only person exiting the train at your stop. Loudly declare that you would like to exit the car, extra points if you do so before the doors open, and double extra points if it's before the train stops. During rush hour, you can earn near-infinite combos by shoving past others to get off the train first.

What's Wrong With That Seat?
Game pieces: A crowded train, one or more empty seats. No one sits. Is it the fear of seeming selfish or lazy or in case a pregnant, elderly, and/blind person shows up unexpectedly-- or is it because there is something wrong with the seat? Observe the cushions: is there a stain? A spill? Is the person in the next seat over leaning too far? Do they smell bad? Is the air conditioner dripping directly above it? But as you try to solve this mystery, be careful! Danger lurks with every glance at the seat, for if any other passenger catches you looking at it, you must sit down.

Watching Someone Play Froot Snood Or Whatever That Game Is
How long can you peer over someone's shoulder, hypnotized by their pointless, mind-numbing game, shaking your head at every wrong move or strategic error on their part? Find out with this fun subway game! If you go undetected in your game-spying for five minutes, earn extra points by shouting "Clusterbomb!" or "Where's that red one gonna go?"

Was That Person Looking At Me?
Assert your dominance by aggressively and ceaselessly leering at anyone who makes even fleeting eye contact with you. Make it clear that, while they certainly are not permitted to look at you, you can look at whoever the hell you want.

Sorry, I'm Holding This Pole
If anyone touches the pole nearest you, you lose.

This Train Isn't Loud Enough for the Both of Us
If two people with headphones that can be heard over five feet away enter the train, everyone else must clear the aisle to allow for a dance-off. Winner can crank their iPod up to the highest volume; loser is ejected at the next station.

Seriously, Is That Person Still Looking At Me?
Using your observational/judgmental skills, determine what that guy's problem is. If you are unable to ascertain this information on your own, you must inquire: "Yo, what's your fuckin' deal, guy?" Alternatively, you can pass the ball off to another passenger and credit for an assist by gesturing to the person in question, turning to someone else and muttering, "What's with this fucking guy?"

Work Email... or Elicit Affair???
A commuter pulls out their phone and pull up their email app. Are they following up on a job-related message-- or are they planning an impromptu rendezvous with a secret lover? Take a guess, then confirm by reading over their shoulder as they type. Be sure to interpret their message however you want: "I'll get those documents to you ASAP, and I'll cc Henry" could be innocuous office-speak or a filthy, filthy innuendo.

This is My Stop variant: Is This My Stop?
For every second that passes after the doors open at a given station, you earn a point, just as long as you get off the train before the doors close. You keep racking up points until your entire body has cleared the doors, so use any means necessary to stall-- ask another passenger to hold the door while you collect your things, drop a bag just as you exit, or put one foot on the platform but lean back to read the subway map. You lose all your points if the doors close before you exit, but you can at least make it a draw by loudly cursing the driver for not giving you enough time. 10,000 points if the door crushes you. Tourists are really good at this game, but that's just beginners' luck.

Whatcha Readin'?
A passenger reads on a Kindle. See how many pages of reading over her shoulder it takes before you figure out what it is. Bonus points if you correctly guess what it is beforehand. Hint: If it's a woman, it's either 50 Shades of Grey or it isn't, and I would never bet on the field. That may sound sexist, but I've never seen a man read anything but Howard Stern's Private Parts.

Who's the Drunkest?
The rules are simple: You just have to determine, through a demonstrated lack of balance, inability to control voice volume, unexplained friendliness or desire to sing, and/or smell, which of your fellow passengers is the most inebriated. Here's the catch-- if you are unable to figure for sure who is the drunkest, chug nips until it's you.

Billy's Opinion-- Here Lies Billy Palumbo: "How tall is Jamie Moyer"

2013-03-11T19:33:00.003-04:00

For some probably morbid reason, I've been thinking about last words lately. I obviously think it's important to sum up your entire essence and being with your last semi-lucid act. But let's be honest here: these days, it's all about the Internet. If you are putting any weight into last words, whether they are your own or someone else's, then you are living in the past. People don't speak words anymore. People type them. We type a lot of stuff-- statuses, tweets, emails, chats, angry caps-lock comments, etc, but I think people's Google searches represent them better than anything they ever say could. So instead of memorializing people based on their final utterance, let's judge them on their last Google search.

Think about it. Most of what we say is veiled to make us come off as better, smarter, wiser, cooler, nicer, etc., than we really are. It's almost impossible to judge a person based on their own words. We shouldn't be remembering people's lives based on what they said; we should be remembering people based on what they wanted to know. To truly know what the last thing on someone's mind was, we shouldn't turn to their speech, we should turn to their internet history.

You might think that if people were only keeping track of last Googles, it would ruin some of the most legendary last words. But I say it would only enhance and modernize them. Take these three old-timey dead people's words and consider if they had died in 2013.

Dylan Thomas' "I've had 18 straight whiskeys. I think that's the record" is pretty good. But much more appropriate would be if the poet were immortalized by his fumbled attempt for help: "alcoohopl piodsoonng" (which Google smartly redirects).

Pancho Villa's (alleged) last words: "Don't let it end this way. Tell them I said something." We could get the same desperation if he were checking his smart phone after being shot, looking up "good last words."

John Adams' last words. After Thomas Jefferson had died earlier than day, unbeknownst to Adams, Adams said, "Thomas Jefferson survives" as he faded from the mortal plane. Surely, if this were today, Adams would have looked up "Is Thomas Jefferson alive?" He not only would've conveyed the message that Jefferson, a political enemy he hadn't spoken to in years, was on his mind; he also would've gotten the answer.

So yes, last Googles will carry the impact that last words used to. In some cases, you'll be lucky enough to plan your last Google in advance. You'd be able to use the opportunity to make some profound statement about life or just crack wise. People would be forever grateful if, on your deathbed, you Googled "how to thank the ppl I love." Or you could mess with your loved ones by Googling on your last day, "What to do once you figure out the meaning of life." You can even help your family heal by Googling "iPhone 6" or "hilarious nut shot videos" or something so when they check your browser history, they have something to distract them from their grief.

Of course, it's not likely that you'd be able to plan what the last thing you look up is. Your last search could create an air of mystery (Charles Foster Kane types on an iPad. His hand falls limp, the iPad falls, the screen shatters. Through the spider-webbed glass we read in the search bar, "Rosebud"), or it could clear up ambiguity (Through the spider-webbed glass we read, "old sled 'Rosebud' inscription ebay"). But whatever the case, your last search will shed light on what you were like in life. I'll give you an example: As of right now, my last Google search was "How tall is Jamie Moyer?" I think this speaks volumes about me-- First, my interest in baseball, my love of Jamie Moyer in particular, my desire to learn unimportant details about people I'll never meet, and my desire to rank myself against others (in this case, in terms of height). And while I didn't believe the result of this search (6 feet my ass), I wouldn't be entirely upset if I died right now and that was my last search. People will hear about it and think, solemnly shaking their heads, "That Billy--he really wondered how tall Jamie Moyer was. That's what I'll always remember about him."

Just as with last words, there is a chance that your final search, that all-important word or phrase that will be printed in your obituary and etched on your tombstone, might be embarrassing. Just as Maude Flanders' last words regarding footlong hotdogs ("I know, they make you uncomfortable") were tragic in their inanity, so too will most people's last Googles be. Think of all the people who will die with the search bar of their internet browser still housing their last look-up-- "wart removal," "directions Taco Bell Boston," "Seinfeld reruns," "cat picking up suitcases gif," "how to punch a new hole in a belt," "toenail discoloration," and the like (not to mention all the porn searches). While you might think this means we shouldn't be judging people by their searches, I say this means just the opposite. We all say stupid things in our lives, yet we value last words when they are in some way noteworthy. So we should hold the same esteem to those who were thoughtful, prescient, lucky enough to have a great last search.

After all, what is life and death but our own cosmic clicking of "I'm feeling lucky" after typing in "What's the meaning of all this?" Maybe we'll all find out from that great search engine in the sky.

Or we'll just land on some Yahoo! Answers page with a bunch of morons.

Billy's Opinion: Trying to Understand the Sequester: A Live Blog

2013-02-26T10:13:00.002-05:00

If you're like me, you have heard about a sequester in some way related to the federal government. And you have no idea what it means. Since it's my job to cover the day's news and junk, I figured it's about time I learn what is going on, using only the internet at my fingertips. To Wikipedia!

7:30am-- We hit our first road block. Search Wikipedia for "sequester" and you get this disambiguation page.

7:31-- Second road block. I want to look up SeaQuest real quick to see if it was a real show or if I'm imaging it.

It was real. Guess what it was about?

C-Quest, though, is not. It's a movie I just came up in which two teen slackers have to work hard in the last two weeks of high school in order to graduate. Spoiler alert: They fail, but in the process learn a much more valuable lesson dot dot dot about themselves.

7:35-- Back on track. I'm going to click a link to something called "Budget sequestration," because that seems relevant. This page is really boring.

7:45-- I've been staring at this page for ten minutes and I still haven't read the first sentence. Better scroll down to see if there are charts.

Oh God, no charts! I'm leaving this page. Thankfully, they link to a page about the current debate.

Just glancing over these paragraphs, it looks like about 60% of the text is compromised of numbers. This is going to be hard to follow.

7:50-- My eyes glazed over. That is, until I saw a link to a page about B61 Nuclear Bombs! I wonder how awesome they are.

Their blast yield is 0.3-340 kilotons. What's that mean? Better search "blast yield."

8:00-- Here's a sweet picture.

Okay back to the sequester. This Wikipedia page isn't getting me anywhere. That may not be the fault of its writers. I just haven't read a word of it since I landed here. So I'm going to take to Google.

A search of "explain the sequester" brings up a bunch of results that look promising. I'll try Gawker's first because it is on top.

Ugh it's some bullshit thing trying to use popular culture to make me interested. But Ryan Gosling makes me feel so inadequate! Also, orange block text annoys me. Let's go back to the Google search.

8:10-- I've decided on looking at this Washington Post blog explaining it. But I can't get past the picture of Obama, gesturing up to where he's had it from the likes of Boehner or Congress or whoever the hell is responsible for whatever he disagrees with.

Oh damn it, this article is from last September. On the internet, that's like forever ago. For God's sake, Gangnam Style wasn't even halfway to a billion views yet!

8:20-- This now officially the longest I've ever spent searching the internet for information. By 30 minutes, I would either have it or give up, because if it takes 30 minutes to find an easy-to-understand description of certain facts, then those facts do not exist. But I'm going to stick with it. I'm taking this search to Twitter for #sequester.

8:25-- OH MY GOD IT'S ALL RACIAL SLURS.

8:30-- A lot of sarcastic jokes by people who also probably don't understand the sequester. I'll add my own: "Sequester? I hardly know her!"

8:35-- #Sequester must mean something I don't understand, because someone used it to refer to cocaine. To UrbanDictionary.com!

Jesus, that's way dirtier than I was expecting. Could this be what Congress is so worried about?

Most of these tweets are spam. No useful information. To Facebook!

8:45-- So much caps lock.

It looks like there's no easy way out of this. I'm going to have to actually read something. Let's go back to that Wikipedia page. Be back when I read it.

9:05-- Okay, so I accidentally read the entire page about SeaQuest. Now, to that page about the sequester.

Now I want to look at the editing history.

Surprisingly not very active. Interestingly, someone noted that the San Francisco Giants won the 2010 World Series, because of some minute detail of the TV show that only someone who would edit the Wikipedia page of a fifteen year-old sci-fi TV show would pay attention to. Also interestingly, they spell "real life" with a hypen: "real-life." Someone later removed that entire paragraph on April 24, 2012.

On December 12, 2011, someone changed "circa" to "c."

There is actually some controversy over whether Roy Scheider said the show was a cross between 21 Jump Street and Star "Trek" or "Dreck." Apparently he said "Dreck," but obviously meant "Trek," so there's debate over which word should appear on the page. I'll add my two cents by saying nobody gives a shit.

9:45-- Well that took a lot longer than expected. Back to the sequester page. I'll read it this time.

10:00-- Oh. That's actually pretty straight forward. Well, I hope it doesn't happen.

Well, there you have it. Now I know what the sequester is. Thanks for following along.

Is It Funny?: The Onion's Tweet

2013-02-25T16:59:00.001-05:00

As those of you who use the internet or watch television know, last night was the Oscars, hosted by that guy who does the voices for a baby, dog, and teddy bear. I don't know what happened, exactly, and it doesn't really matter. What matters is that The Onion, famous fake news website, tweeted about one of the nominees during the night and caused a bit of a controversy. Today, I'm going to determine whether or not the joke was funny.

The tweet, screen-grabbed here by under a highly editorialized headline ("vile" tweet-- A lot of The Onion is vile. That's not really an insult) and a relevant red carpet photo, reads: "Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a cunt, right? #Oscars2013." The Onion's apology is here.

Remember, as you read further, that the point of The Serum's Is It Funny? column isn't to determine whether it's appropriate, for example, to make fun of a young child on Oscar night. It isn't to discuss when "cunt" is OK to be used and when it isn't. It isn't even to decide it whether it's ever okay to call a nine year-old a "cunt". We are here exclusively to decide if the joke is funny.

To address this, though, we first need to dismiss those who think the joke is an attack targeted specifically at Wallis. The Onion, as a satiric website, was not calling her a "cunt". Most people can understand this; some, though, need a reminder that what they were going for was irony-- that Wallis is obviously not deserving of being called a "cunt". Therein lies the joke. So-- is it funny?

If the average person had tweeted this line, it would certainly not be funny. It would lack any context to allow the tweet's audience to know that A) it was intended to be a joke and B) what character it's supposed to be from. But The Onion isn't the average person. We at least know that whatever they tweet is supposed to be a joke and that they are coming from a certain character. The character, in this case, is what the tweet is satirizing. In other words, we're supposed to laugh at whoever would say such a thing.

In this case, the fictional character behind the tweet is the kind of vapid fool who live tweets the Oscars and makes mean-spirited jokes about the celebrities. If this is uncomfortable for you, it's because The Onion was attempting to skewer just about everyone who uses social media/everyone. (Read The Serum's sexist, drunken live blog of the Oscars from two years ago here.) The took a common phenomenon on Twitter-- calling celebrities names (particularly calling female celebrities hate-charged words) and pushed it to its absurd extreme.

But it's pretty shallow as a joke. That could be in part due to the fact that it was on Twitter (I can imagine a 250-word story about, for example, Joan Rivers ripping Wallis as being funny (funnier, at least)). It could also be due to the fact that it's just a joke we've heard before--a mean-spirited dig at someone who doesn't deserve it from a character who's overly judgmental/angry/hateful/misogynistic/etc/etc.

The joke's edginess (read: "cunt") serves only as a crutch for this weak joke. For those into a specific brand of humor, the shock of this tweet might elicit a quick laugh over the ironic association between two extremes: celebrated young actress and the inherent anger behind the word "cunt". But that's all. Unlike some other stories on (or tweets by) The Onion, this clearly wasn't one that was going to be passed around as great cultural satire.

We at The Serum declare The Onion's tweet Not That Funny, which I think falls at about a 2 on the scale of Not Funny (1) to Funny (10).

Incidentally, The Serum confidently declares The Onion's apology to be Not Funny.

What To Expect: Election Night Timeline

2012-11-06T09:08:00.000-05:00

Election Day is one of the most tense and frustrating days of the quad-year.

6:00pm: Donald Trump offers $10 million to the charity of Obama's choice if he bows out of the race before the first polls close.

7:00: First polls close. TV newsfolks nationwide say "Ohio and Virginia" 15,000 times within the first ten seconds of the hour.

7:04: First precincts report. Fox News celebrates Mitt Romney's commanding 16-7 lead in Virginia.

7:10: Thousands of anxious liberals nationwide die of heart attacks when they see the projections from the states with polls closing at 7pm, Romney 64 electoral votes, Obama 3.

7:30: For those who don't really like politics, Animal Planet begins airing its Puppy Election Returns Coverage.

7:47: Virginia stubbornly refuses to report any precincts, hoping to be the last state to be called and thus decide the winner.

8:00: A bunch of states close their polls, Wolf Blitzer stumbles over all of their names for three straight minutes before Anderson Cooper steps in front of him and holds up a hologram map.

8:05: Though they've adjusted their graphics and maps accurately, Fox News anchors only announce their projections of Romney states.

8:06: Fox anchor: "It'll be interesting to see what happens in Pennsylvania, where the Romney campaign made a big push to close the gap there and-- it looks like we're read to call Pennsylvania for President Obama."

8:10: With all closed states now projected except for Ohio, Florida, and New Hampshire, Romney leads 113-99.

8:25: CNN has holograms of Rex Ryan and Justin Timberlake on to discuss of the election.

8:30: With no projections to make, most networks are just airing unedited footage of Obama and Romney voting in a split screen, analyzing who voted faster and whose smile was wider.

8:50: MSNBC anchors, anticipating the closing of New York polls, begin talking about Hurricane Sandy and global warming. They discuss global warming for twenty-five minutes without making reference of the election whatsoever.

9:00: Bunch more polls close. In all projected states, Romney leads 190-159.

9:11: New Hampshire is called for Obama. Pundits spin.

9:14: In an unexpected turn, Green Party candidate Jill Stein surges to second place in Vermont, with 17 votes state-wide.

9:17: Republican analysts suggest that the long wait for Ohio, Florida, and Virginia projections reflects a positive trend for Romney.

9:30: Trends appear to support Obama taking Ohio, but nobody calls it yet. A hot mic catches a Fox News anchor drop the n-word in reference to his success in Ohio. It turns out to be Juan Williams, though, so it's okay.

9:37: Wisconsin falls to Obama, giving him 10 more electoral votes. Morale at Fox News plummets. Rachel Maddow pops champagne.

9:56: Fox gets a small boost as they project Iowa for Romney.

10:00: A few more states close and are projected. Nevada, so-called battleground state, is called for Obama by all major outlets within five minutes.

The 10 o'clock hour is spent by people around the country staring at tickers, and nothing ever changing. Even the pundits on TV are just staring at their smart phones, waiting for something to happen. It is gripping.

11:00: West coast states close. Obama now just needs Ohio, Virginia, or Florida to win.

11:23: Colorado is called for Obama. This means nothing, as he sits at 266 now.

11:45: Florida projected to go to Romney. Joe Biden is seen vomiting backstage in Chicago.

12:15am: Tired, sick of waiting, and expecting the counting to go long into the morning, you go to bed.

12:16: Right after you turn the TV off, but before you even put your head on the pillow, the AP calls Ohio for Obama, and he is the winner.

1:00: Fox News anchors project that Mitt Romney will win Alaska's 3 electoral college votes, pushing his total to 241.

1:43: Hologram Justin Timberlake reads the announcement that Obama is projected to carry Virginia. Final tally Obama: 297, Romney 241.

Election 2012: If They Lose

2012-10-17T17:41:00.000-04:00

It's stupid Presidential election season. Candidates debate, memes are captioned, snark is tweeted. The media and voters are constantly talking about what each candidate will do if elected-- how they'll govern, be president, set policies, etc. And frankly, I think that's a valid thing to consider when deciding who to vote for. But there is much more to the story.

Yes, one person will win and be sworn in a President in January 2013 (I take issue with the phrase "become the next President," because if Obama wins, he's not the next President, he just remains President). But remember, that means there will also be a loser (well, there will be losers, including Jill Stein and Gary Johnson, but they already fit in that category). What impact will losing this election have on each of their lives? We decided to speculate.

If Mitt Romney loses, his life is essentially over. He has nowhere else to go from here. His life trajectory has taken him to the point where he has to become President or else it was all pointless. Four years ago, his loss in the nomination process to John McCain was not so bad, because he still had the chance to try again. But now, if he were to become a two-time non-President, that's the kiss of death. A third run would put him in Dennis Kucinich, Ralph Nader territory. It would be undignified, and Mitt Romney knows a thing or two about remaining dignified.

Sure, he'll have his millions and millions and millions of dollars, his twenty-five children, three wives, and that head of hair, but what could possibly come next for him? Certainly, he couldn't run for another office. And unlike some recent losers, like Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee, he couldn't get a television show, and others like Al Gore, he couldn't become the beloved leader of a cause. This is because he lacks personability. Romney is so unlikable, the only thing he could possibly do in life is win elective office. But if he loses, he wouldn't be able to run for elective office simply because he's a man without a state. Massachusetts doesn't want him back and he was never really from Michigan. His only success could come in Utah, but I think there might be residency requirement beyond just being Mormon to winning a Senate seat there.

So, if Americans fail to elect Mitt Romney, he'll be forced to sadly go back into the private sector which he hates so much and retaliate by shipping all their jobs to China.

But that's nothing compared to the misery of Barack Obama's life. Look at Jimmy Carter's post-Presidential career. Dude was a joke. Now imagine if he had racial slurs thrown at him everywhere he went. That's what Obama faces if he loses.

Sure, he'll be the same charismatic man, and maybe he'll even be a strong advocate for certain causes, like Hope and kill lists and shit like that. But deep down, everyone will remember him as the guy who got the most votes in a single election and disappointed the nation so badly he couldn't even win a second term. Would this be his fault? Maybe, maybe not. But people will see him and pity him even more than they pity other past Presidents. All mentions of George W. Bush, 2006-2008's most hated man in America, since he left office have been lined with a sadness over how badly he fucked up. Even Bill Clinton, who is being paraded around by his wife's boss, gives speeches that impress everyone only because they had subconsciously set the bar so low, assuming the former President had been on a fast-food and saxophone binge since 2001. Also he gets pity laughs.

So Obama would live out the rest of his long life in sadness and utter disappointment, wondering not just what he could have done to earn re-election, but what he could have done to actually leave a mark, since most of his major accomplishments either A) will be wiped out within days of Romney taking office or B) don't exist.

In short, while voters select one candidate to become their newest President, they are also condemning the other to a life of misery, their name forever synonymous with this loss.

And don't forget about the running mates. Paul Ryan losing could irreparably damage his political career and send him into a John Edwards-like spiral of sex, lying, and illegal money stuff.

But don't worry about Joe Biden. Even if he loses, I think he's gonna be all right.

Billy's Opinion: Does Anyone Actually Want to be President?

2012-05-29T22:33:00.001-04:00

Update: Twelve hours after posting this, I received the item described at the end of this entry in the mail.

As Romney gathered up the delegates necessary to clinch the Republican nomination, I go to thinking about how much he cares about me. More on that later. But I also began thinking about how absurd it is that people actually want to become President of the United States, and that they work really hard and spend a lot of money to do so. Just campaigning ruins people's lives, by sending people so far into debt that they are forced to take a job at Fox (like Mike Huckabee), by wrecking homes after tantalizing the candidate with temptress campaign staffer (like John Edwards), or by nationally announcing that your only pick-up line is "How bad do you want the job?" (Herman Cain). And once you become a candidate for office, you are immediately fair game to be called a "bum" or "rascal" by those rugged city folks who are in the first scenes of Law & Order episodes shooting the breeze before stumbling on a dead body. ("That Gingrich is a rascal." "Hold on." "What, you like the guy?" "No, look." Pan to dead body. "Call the cops.") And what's the point if you win? You get to have your face at the end of the line above elementary school chalkboards. It seems like a lot of stress for very little reward.

I mean, what's so great about being the President? The economy sucks, for one. You're too busy to keep up with the best TV shows. You probably can't get drunk very often. Also, this is America. Every person has different opinions from everyone else and thinks that everyone else is going to hell for their opinions. And the candidates want to win votes from these people? This is the electorate that invented the slogan "God hates fags". Only a truly abominable person would be proud to want to represent the American people, and such a person would be unelectable anyway. And only a truly stupid person would think they could steer the people's ideology toward their own if they win an election. I don't think Obama or Romney are so horrible as people to love the American people who cheer NASCAR and boo gay military members; nor do I think they are so naive to think that they matter in the military industrial complex, but they also probably don't care.

Let's be honest, clearly neither of them care too much about whatever ideology they are seeming to support. If a poll showed that 95% of the population hated socialism, Romney would say, "Obama is a socialist!" If the next day a poll showed that 95% of the populated loved socialism, he would say, "I never said I wasn't!" And Obama just needs to find more Guantanamo's to promise to close and he'll get back his voting base. So this election isn't about ideas. I have to assume that these two candidates are smart enough to know that they don't really want to be President. Obama's been doing it for long enough to figure it out by now, after all, and Romney would have more fun hosting another snow fort party in Utah. But Obama and Romney have been sucked in, and now one of them has to be President.

So I think the media has been approaching the race all wrong. Right now, the polls are close, with neither candidate quite able to pull away from the other. But at this point, unless I'm giving these guys too much credit, I have to assume that they are trying not to win, to slide in the polls, to give the terrible job of President over a divided nation in a terrible time to the other all, all the while without being able to out-right admit this strategy as this would be an affront to America, democracy, freedom, etc and then they wouldn't be paid to do commencement speeches or cable news political analyzing.

This strategy of trying to lose explains a lot of the candidates' actions. Obama's failure to follow through with any of his major promises is completely understandable now; if he had delivered, we would have re-elected him, expecting more successes. Romney's puzzling flip-flops, ambiguous stances, and obvious out-of-touch-ness are all great ways of losing votes.

All of this explains, and perhaps the only way to explain why, WEEKS after signing up, I still haven't received the free Mitt Romney bumper sticker I was promised. And why Obama never even OFFERED me a free bumper sticker.

I mean, ignore the fact that I don't have a car for a second. They don't know that. The point is that I signed up for something free, and I haven't gotten it. If I got it, who knows, maybe I'd be willing to jokingly punch my ballot for Romney only to realize I can't undo it. But now there is NO WAY IN HELL I'm voting for that bumper-sticker-promising fake.

I've been waiting and waiting, and for all they know, I'm a supporter. Is this any way to treat a supporter? No, I don't think so. I could be a rich donor who has now so soured to Romney that I'd rather give to a third party and throw the election to the Democrats. I could be a usually-active volunteer who needed a bumper sticker as a sign to meet up with door-to-door campaigners (meet at the park next to the Volvo with the Romney bumper sticker!), but now I'm so fed up with explaining which car is mine that I won't even bother. I could be Romney's mom.

So why haven't I gotten the free bumper sticker in the mail yet? Because Romney wants to lose the election.

Santorum Out

2012-04-10T15:12:00.003-04:00

Women, homosexuals, and blah people: rejoice! The modern-day George Wallace, Rick Santorum, will not be the next President. The second-worst nightmare of this campaign season has ended (second only to Donald Trump). A weight has been lifted, the sky has opened up. We are all winners today, and the possibilities seem endless.

Without Santorum, we'll finally learn where Mitt Romney really stands on the issues. Is he a New England socialist or a Tea Party anti-abortionist? We are closer than ever to discovering when Romney was pandering and to whom. We could be just days away from the stunning revelation that he doesn't even hate Muslims.

Without Santorum, Newt Gingrich benefits by being the only other person in the race who isn't Ron Paul. Gingrich will get some press now as That Guy Who Just Won't Drop Out. And Ron Paul stands to gain at least a moral victory by out-lasting that guy who thought he knew more about foreign policy than him.

By ending his race today, rather than waiting until closer to the convention, Santorum has also just about knocked himself out of the Vice Presidency race, as he has lost all leverage to make Romney owe him something. This means Romney will be free to pick the richest, most bland running mate that he wants. Of course, Santorum is still likely to demand some cabinet position in return for a party-unifying endorsement, and since there's no Ministry of Hetero Sex, he'll probably have to settle for Interior or some bullshit.

But it's not all bad for Santorum. When Romney loses in November, he will have the justification for a 2016 race already lined up (which he introduced after losses last week, comparing his campaign to Ronald Reagan's in 1976). More importantly, he'll probably have a show on Fox News by the end of the summer. So that means that, while we should happily mark this joyous occasion, we should not forget to look ahead to the hell that is to come.

I'm too relieved to write much else. The only thing keeping me from celebrating in the streets is that Future President Mitt Romney is now one step closer to being President.

Enough about Santorum. Who gives a shit about losers! The next big story will be Romney's choice of running mate. Here's something I wrote in January projecting possible picks, though I'll likely write an updated version sometime soon.

Oh My God! It's Baseball Season 2012

2012-04-05T09:42:00.001-04:00

Spring time can only mean one thing in my house: time to forget the heartbreaking disappointments of the Phillies and Red Sox from last fall and optimistically look ahead to the next year. Here are some key story lines to follow this season.

1. Ryan Braun and the validation of cheating. With reigning MVP Ryan Braun's positive test and 50-game suspension over-turned on a technicality, cheating has been reinforced by the MLB's arbitrators as a viable way of competing in the league. For this reason, I'm expecting a critical game-within-a-game to be played by scientists and drug dealers. Expect fantasy leagues for Black Market PED peddlers to pop up by mid-season.

2. Albert Pujols on the Angels. Having spent his entire career on the Cardinals, Albert Pujols made an important decision to continue wearing red uniforms when he signed with the Angels this off-season. I expect a significant drop in productivity from Pujols for two reasons: First of all, moving from St. Louis to Los Angeles is a big culture shock, and he'll likely get pulled into the Hollywood underbelly and spit out like so many wannabe actresses before him, which could hurt his confidence at the plate. Second, pitchers in the AL actually pitch, so that'll be a tough adjustment.

3. What team will be the laughing stock? Obviously, the Cubs, Astros, Mariners, and Mets have be included in this race. I'm going to add the Marlins to this list, not because I think they are a bad team, but because I think they are very capable of mediocrity despite their off-season hype. Also, their new home run machine, awful uniforms, and Jose Reyes make them prime candidates for laughing stock.

4. Who will be the surprise team? Everyone is looking at the Toronto Blue Jays to surprise everyone this year, and I think that's a good bet. They'll shock everyone by coming that close to 3rd place in the AL East. If I had to pick, my surprise playoff team would be the Arizona Diamondbacks, a surprise because nobody is talking about them-- I think most people forgot they were a team this year.

5. Jamie Moyer, 49 year-old number 2 starter for the Colorado Rockies. He's just out there to embarrass people at this point. Who is the best player he will strike out this year? How many starting pitchers will he have more wins than? If Moyer has to cover first on a ground ball and gets the runner out, will the runner then retire in shame? It'll be fun to see how slow Moyer can throw in the thin mountain air in Denver. Will we see the first single-digit mph pitch?

6. Mid-season deals. Roy Oswalt, formerly of the greatest pitching staff ever assembled for one non-World Series-winning year, is a free agent, and will likely sign with a team in June-ish. Who will it be? I suspect teams will have to commit to him being their #1 or #2 starter, which might mean breaking the legs of their other pitchers to prove they are serious. I think he'll end up on the Red Sox or the Braves.

7. Blown calls by umps. How many calls can the umpires totally wreck this year? I expect one per game. I think the MLB will expand replay, and soon, all games will be played exclusively using replay.

8. Will Joe Buck once again ruin the game I love so much by being employed by Fox?

Here are my predictions for the division shake-downs.

Note: I had to rewrite these when I remembered there are two wild card teams now.

AL East

For most of the 21st century, the AL East has been all about the Yankees and Red Sox, with the Rays sneaking into the conversation in the past 5 years. When injuries decimate the Yankees, and the Red Sox continue their September slide through June, I expect the Blue Jays and Rays to be at the top of the division for most of the summer. Then the Red Sox will sweep the Blue Jays in early September to kick off a 24-game winning streak to win the division. The Rays, meanwhile, will let someone else have the late-season fun by forfeiting their last six games to give the Yankees and the Angels the wild card spots by one game.

AL Central

The Tigers had a great run last year, and I wonder if they will fail in their attempt to underachieve as they have since 2007. After all, this division includes Alex Rios/Adam Dunn, the man formerly known as Fausto Carmona, post-reconstruction surgery Joe Mauer, and whoever is on the Royals. The Tigers will win 75% of in-division games.

AL West

Josh Hamilton's off-season relapse could not have come at a better time. The first time they got to the World Series, it was after the revelation that Ron Washington had been doing cocaine. I expect Hamilton's relapse and re-recovery to propel the Rangers over their off-season loss of C.J. Wilson to a division win. The new-look Angels, meanwhile, will have to change their strategy mid-season when it's clear that coming onto the field, pointing at Albert Pujols while looking in the opposing dugout, nodding, and saying, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, look who we got, yea" doesn't actually work. They will get the wild card.

NL East

This will be one of the most competitive divisions for second place, behind the Phillies. There are some really solid, just short of good, teams in this division, and one or two of them might even get the wild card. The Marlins have a lot of expectations on them, but I can't take them seriously (see #3 above). I'm gonna go with the Nationals in 2nd and the Marlins in 3rd, both getting the wild card.

NL Central

This is that one division that is totally up for grabs, because none of the teams are that good. I think it'll come down to a 6-way tie-breaker, as every team in the division will end the season at 81-81. And that's how the Pirates get into the playoffs this year.

NL West

The Dodgers had the Cy Young winner and the top non-cheating finisher in the MVP race, and I think that's their entire roster. The Giants have a bunch of good pitchers and, I think, the ghost of Barry Bonds batting clean-up. The Rockies have a 49 year-old. The Diamondbacks, as mentioned earlier, still exist. And the Padres. This is a tough race, because none of the teams seem to deserve to be in the playoffs. I'll go with the Dodgers, though, because of reasons.

World Series:

Tigers over Phillies

AL MVP:

Prince Fielder and Albert Pujols will tie. For second. Behind Adrian Gonzalez.

AL Cy Young:

Justin Verlander

AL Manager of the Year:

Bobby Valentine, whose re-introduction of beer in the clubhouse led to a heroic charge into the playoffs by the Red Sox.

NL MVP:

Justin Upton. What? Yeah.

NL Cy Young:

Tie between Stephen Strasburg and Jamie Moyer.

NL Manager of the Year:

Clint Hurdle, that poor son of a bitch managing the Pirates.

The Manny Ramirez Award for Testing Positive for PEDs Mid-Season:

Manny Ramirez

Billy's Opinion: Another List of High Concept Puns

2012-03-20T11:21:00.002-04:00

Hipster internet users love high concept random shit. (I did something similar some time ago here.) So here's some:

Best Picture Nominees If Dogs Were The Stars Of Every Movie
The Arfist
The Dogfather
The Dogfather Bark II
The English Bulldog Patient
There Will Be Bloodhounds
Amadeus's Dog

U.S. Presidents If They Were Named After Units of Time
Rutherford B. Dayes
Dwight D. Eisenhour
John F. Seconnedy
Franklin Yearce

Author Names If Every Book Is Boring
Vladimir Nod-ba-off
Snore Vidal
Milan Slumbera
George Borewell
Ayn Bland
Thomas 40winkson
Fyodor Doze-snoozefest-ky

Song Titles If Shoes Were a Metaphor For Love
It Had to Be Shoes
Tangled Up in Shoe
I Want Shoes Back

Football Teams Named For Horror Movie Terms
Washington Deadskins
Buffalo Kills
Chicago Scares
Green Bay Hackers
Houston Texans Chainsaw Massacre
Baltimore Wes Cravens

Famous Cat Names If All Words With the Letter "F" Never Existed
Garmeadow
Heathedge

Cheesy High School Social Studies Teachers' Education Rap Songs About History
Abraham Linkin' The Union Back 2gether
Josef Stallin' Prog to the ress in U to the S to the S to the R
Richard Nixin' Voter Trust in the X-eh-Q-tive Branch

Title for an essay on how to plagiarize U2 lyrics
Every Poet Is a Thief: Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

Billy's Opinion: NCAA Bracket Picks 2012

2012-03-13T15:48:00.001-04:00

So it's time to fill out your March Madness bracket, huh? And you need expert predictions and advice on who to pick? Well, you've come to the right place. While my methods are far from orthodox, I can guarantee that if you follow my advice exactly, you will win your office pool (or at least not get every game wrong). Sometimes I go by uniform colors, or mascots, or my limited knowledge of the team's location, or sometimes, and rarely, based on their basketball abilities. So let's get right to it. I'll be going weekend by weekend, so two rounds at a time per bracket quarter

South Bracket

Play-in! Western Kentucky vs. Mississippi Valley. These seem like fake schools. Go with Western Kentucky because I doubt you can get good at basketball playing on a river valley.

Kentucky vs. Western Kentucky. Easy, the whole state beats the half-state.

Iowa State vs. UConn. This is a close one. Nothing is in either state, except for ESPN. Therefore, I have to assume their sports are better. UConn wins.

Wichita State vs. Virginia Commonwealth University. Commonwealths are way better than states. VCU.

Indiana vs. New Mexico State. I think "Indiana" means "basketball" in some languages. Indiana.

UNLV vs. Colorado. Colorado won't be able to hype up their fans by running a buffalo on the court, so UNLV will take this game.

Baylor vs. South Dakota State. I've heard that South Dakota State only plays scrimmages because who the hell wants to go to South Dakota just to play against them? Baylor wins.

Notre Dame vs. Xavier. Notre Dame are the Fighting Irish, Xavier just gets into fights. That's good spirit. Go with Xavier.

Duke vs. Lehigh. For a long time, I thought Lehigh was one of those colleges that have commercials. Pick Duke.

Kentucky vs. UConn. These states against each other are an epic match: preppies vs rednecks. While UConn might be able to out-smart Kentucky, the rednecks always win physical battles. Kentucky to the Sweet 16.

VCU vs. Indiana. VCU had a great run last year. Therefore, I don't care about them this year. Go with Indiana.

UNLV vs. Baylor. Baylor would be the odds-on favorite, and Vegas always listens to the odds. Baylor wins.

Notre Dame vs. Duke. It's a simple case of Jesus against Coach K. Coach K has a way better win percentage. Duke.

West Bracket

Michigan State vs. Long Island. Have you ever been to Long Island? Somehow less desirable of a place than the state of Michigan. Go with State.

Memphis vs. St. Louis. St Louis has been riding high since winning the World Series. Pick them to keep the momentum going.

New Mexico vs Long Beach State. Long Beach isn't a state. Go with NM.

Louisville vs. Davidson. Louisville might lose to David, but not David's son.

Murray State vs. Colorado State. Bill Murray never loses.

Play-in! BYU vs. Iona. Iona seems like a fake word that I try to play in Scrabble just to get rid of my vowels. Mormonism seems like a fake religion. Iona wins.

Marquette vs. Iona. "Marquette" would get way more points than "Iona" in Scrabble, especially on a triple-word tile.

Florida vs. Virginia. In my experience, Virginia is just one of those states in the way of a road-trip to Florida. Take Florida.

Missouri vs. Norfolk State. Norfolk State finally made it to the tournament. They will lose badly.

Michigan State vs. St. Louis. This is a tough pick. I'll go with my gut. Green is my favorite color. Michigan State is my pick here.

New Mexico vs. Louisville. New Mexico's roster is like 4 times bigger because they have undocumented aliens playing for them. They'll even do the one job on the floor that American players refuse to do-- play defense. They will coast.

Murray State vs. Marquette. I just said Bill Murray never loses. I meant it.

Florida vs. Missouri. Missouri gave us Harry Truman. Florida gave us Hanging Chad. Missouri wins, but barely.

East bracket

Syracuse vs UNC Asheville. One UNC team is good. This is not that team. Syracuse.

Kansas State vs. Southern Mississippi. Southern Mississippi is shortened "Southern Miss," and there is no way a lass from the bayou can win a basketball game. Kansas State.

Vanderbilt vs. Harvard. LIN-SANITYYYYYYYY ended a couple weeks ago. Vanderbilt wins easily.

Wisconsin vs. Montana. I always forget about Montana. It sneaks up on you, just as this team will. Montana wins.

Cincinnati vs. Texas. Bearcats vs. Longhorns, hmmm. Long horns, while they may be a good weapon, just sit there unless they are wielded by someone. Meanwhile, a bearcat is a cross between a bear and cat. That's a cross between an animal that you're supposed to stay perfectly still when it sees you and an animal that you're supposed to do everything it says when it sees you. Cincinnati wins easily.

Florida State vs St. Bonaventure. Never heard of that saint. Florida State wins.

Gonzaga vs. West Virginia. The Mountaineers will stage one more run before they blow up all their mountains through mountaintop coal mining. WV.

Ohio State vs. Loyola Maryland. Buckeyes, even though I don't know what they are, make more sense to me than Jesuitism. Ohio St.

Syracuse vs. Kansas State. A classic match-up of orange vs purple logos. I'm craving citrus, so I'll go with Syracuse.

Vanderbilt vs. Montana. Vanderbilt, the man, could have purchased Montana if he wanted. And he should have, because then he could have prevented this upset. Montana wins.

Florida State vs. Cincinnati. The city of Cincinnati has been cursed since the days of Pete Rose. The Florida State Seminoles, meanwhile, are experts in dishing out Native American curses. Take the Seminoles.

West Virginia vs. Ohio State. Ohio State is simply a better team.

Midwest bracket

Play-in game! Lamar vs. Vermont. ...Lamar just sounds like a better basketball school to me.

UNC vs. Lamar. Tar Heels just sounds like a better basketball team nickname than Cardinals. UNC.

Creighton vs. Alabama. Alabamans love Alabama a lot, so they'll lose fast to get back sooner.

Play-in game! California vs. South Florida. California gets no respect. Go with South Florida.

Temple vs. South Florida. Temple is a weird name for a non-religious-affiliated school. Actually I don't even know if they are religiously affiliated. Whatever. Go with the less confusing school.

Michigan vs. Ohio. These two states hate each other. And Michigan has been able to devote all of its unemployed time to preparing for this game. Michigan wins.

San Diego State vs. North Carolina State. I don't like picking two colleges named for the same state in the same bracket quadrant, so I'll go with SD.

Georgetown vs. Belmont. Belmont is for horses. Georgetown wins.

St. Mary's vs. Purdue. I like the idea of people having to say and type Boilermakers a lot, so let's go with the Purdue Boilermakers.

Kansas vs. Detroit. Detroit's pro team is bad this year, so why would their college team be any better? Kansas wins.

UNC vs. Creighton. I hate these jerks break the "i before e" rule. UNC wins.

South Florida vs. Michigan. Bulls are a good animal to be named after. Wolverines are so backwoods shit. South Florida wins.

San Diego State vs. Georgetown. I like the idea of some guy named "George" naming a town after himself in the most half-assed way. Makes me laugh. Laughter is the best medicine in basketball.

Purdue vs. Kansas. I secretly hated typing "Boilermakers" earlier. Go with Kansas.

Sweet Sixteen

Kentucky vs. Indiana. Indiana just lost Peyton Manning, and I don't see them recovering in time to knock off the #1 seed. Kentucky.

Baylor vs. Duke. I don't know where Baylor is, and I want to get them out of the tournament now so the odds of someone asking me where the are drops dramatically. Duke wins.

Michigan State vs. New Mexico. Spartans vs. Lobos. Lobos? Spartans.

Murray State vs. Missouri. Bill Murray never loses.

Syracuse vs. Montana. This surprising Montana run has to stop, right? If there's one thing I can count on, it's the Big East blowing it. Montana wins.

Florida State vs. Ohio State. I honestly don't care for Ohio, so I'll go with Florida State.

UNC vs. South Florida. My bedroom growing up was the same baby blue as UNC's uniforms. It just calms me, so I like them in this game.

Georgetown vs. Kansas. The Georgetown Hoyas are mentioned in an Outkast song. How could you not pick them?

Elite Eight

Kentucky vs. Duke. UK against Duke? How hoity-toity European could this be? I'll pick UK, just because I never liked nobility.

Michigan State vs. Murray State. Bill Murray never loses.

Montana vs. Florida State. How the hell did I get Montana this far in it before realizing what was happening? Florida State wins.

UNC vs. Georgetown. UNC always has the douche-yest looking players. That will be their demise here.

Final Four

Kentucky vs. Murray State. Okay, Bill Murray lost once. Kentucky.

Florida State vs. Georgetown. At this stage, even the littlest mistake could hurt you. What is a Hoya, anyway? I'll go with the other guys.

Championship Game

So it comes down to Kentucky vs. Florida State. The Number 1 seed against some guys that beat Duke and UNC last week. The team that has been dominating all season long against the team that I picked to advance this far because of some random and bad logic. It must be fate. I'll go with Florida State.

So there you have it. To view my bracket and track how I'm doing, click here. To prove that I'm better than random luck, here's one a generated using random coin-flipping.

1,000 Questions About the 2012 Campaign: Part 3

2012-03-11T00:20:00.003-05:00

Here are Part 1 and Part 2.

Why does Rick Santorum hate gay people?
Do any of the Republican candidates have the balls to invade Iran BEFORE being elected?
Does Callista Gingrich make Newt call her a slut as some weird, woman-hating conservative foreplay?
Will the soul-crushing fear that one of those Republican lunatics could become president cause the Obama campaign to over-think every move and ultimately cost them the election?
Who does Mitt Romney have in the NCAA basketball tournament, and has he ever met a person who has ever played basketball?
When Gingrich refers to people as "my good friend," how good of friends are they really?
Does Obama ever consider switching back to the gold standard just so Ron Paul doesn't have a domestic platform anymore?
Does Joe Biden ever catch himself thinking he can win the presidency in 2016?
How much could Romney get in speaking fees as a sitting President?
Can Ron Paul ever attract voters other than avid internet users with a Wikipedia understanding of economic policies?
How much will a TV network pay Sarah Palin to follow her around during the Republican National Convention if no candidate has enough delegates to clinch nomination?
Does Tim Pawlenty regret dropping out so early, or is he so insane like his still-running counterparts that he doesn't think it was a foolish move?
Does Newt Gingrich totally dominate all conversations at family gatherings?
Will Ron Paul promise to expose the truth behind 9/11 if elected?
Who sold their soul to the devil to make Rick Santorum exist?
Has Mitt Romney ever seen a dollar menu, and would he know how much things cost on it?
Has Herman Cain come up with a pizza that encapsulates his time on the campaign trail yet?
Is Joe Biden allowed to cross the street alone?
How many hours a day does Bobby Jindal spend staring at his phone waiting for someone to ask him to be their running mate?
Is Ron Paul a Beatles person or an Elvis person?
Will any candidates pledge to abstain from eating Kerry-Heinz ketchup?
Has Rick Santorum ever seen a girl before?
Will the weak Republican field give Obama the chance to half-ass all of his campaign promises so he doesn't actually have to do anything in his second term?
Will the Republicans show how out of touch they are by inviting Jeb Bush to give their conventions keynote address?
Since Dennis Kucinich isn't going to be a Congressman for much longer, will be stage a third-party candidacy for the Presidency, if only to keep his lovable losing streak alive?
If he is chosen as Romney's VP, will Chris Christie compare the Obama Presidency to a sandwich, and if so, what sandwich would it be?
Can Romney build on his huge win in the Guam primary?
Will the historic nature of Obama's quest to become the first re-elected black President lead to huge voter turn-out?
If Iran nukes New York City and Los Angeles, how soon will a Republican celebrate the destruction of Obama's base?
Will Rick Santorum symbolically return his three college degrees and forget all of his education to prove how not elitist he is?
How much was Mitt Romney's most expensive belt?
Least expensive?
If Michele Bachmann were younger and hotter, would she have had this wrapped up yet?
Can Obama get an amnesty bill through Congress in time to get all currently illegal immigrants registered to vote in November so as to sweep Obama back into office?
Has CNN developed hologram ice cream, and is it any good?
How often does Mitt Romney get asked if he has Grey Poupon?
Is Rick Perry just chilling back at "Niggerhead"?
What washed-up quasi-celebrity will Mitt Romney get to endorse him next?
Can Rick Santorum court the youth vote by talking about how lame moms are?
Will Ron Paul only hire and appoint midgets to executive branch posts to fit his promise of smaller government?
If re-elected, will Barack Obama finally be comfortable and, you know, turn all black and stuff?
If a time-traveler from the future told us that if Sarah Palin isn't elected President in 2012, then no woman will ever be elected President of the US, will voters bite the bullet and vote for her, or will they choose to have all male Presidents for the rest of the nation's time on Earth?
On a related note, how coveted is the time-traveler from the future endorsement?
Will Ron Paul ever realize that he doesn't get votes because voters don't respond to his literature and speeches, as they are reminders of the worst lectures in sophomore history class?
Why haven't the other Republicans talked more shit about Romney's Mexican heritage, included Mexican-born father?
Why haven't snarky interent commenters taken up the nicknames R-money, Ging-RICH, Rick Sanitarium, and Ron Pall?
If Romney gets nominated, will the Tea Party force Obama back into office by supporting a third-party candidate?
What made Obama so cruel in his belief that people should get health care and an education?
What made Obama so cruel in his belief that the government should be allowed to kill anyone at any time?
If every American does eenie-meenie-miney-moe to vote in November, what are the odds we will go to war with Iran in the next four years?
Is Newt Gingrich running for President just because he has some sexual fantasy about dropping a nuke on some country and then having sex with his wife minutes later?
If the Obama campaign paid a Palestinian suicide bomber to wear a Mitt '12 shirt before blowing himself up, how much would that hurt Romney's chances in the primaries and general election?
How would this year's race be different in Abraham Lincoln were never assassinated?
Does the Jerk Store ever call Rick Santorum because they ran out of him?
How many members of the media will look back on this election cycle in 2013 and consider suicide over the whole Donald Trump thing?
How many Americans regret Herman Cain leaving the race due to sexual harassment charges simply because they wanted to see him lose handily in the primaries?
When will TelePrompTer sue a Republican candidate for defamation of brand for criticizing Obama's use of their product?
Will Barack Obama finally master public speaking this year?
Will Howard Dean spend this year sadly reading his 8-year presidency plan from 2004?
How many people's heads would explode if Obama adopted the 9-9-9 plan?
Does Rick Santorum wear long sleeves all the time because that's typical politician wear or because he is hiding some awesome full-sleeve tattoos?
Has Ron Paul ever disagreed with a founding father, and if so, did he admit to treason?
Has Mitt Romney ever sat down and watched, and I mean really watched, a sunset?
Or does he just pay people to do that for him?
Does Obama get to wet willie Joe Biden whenever he wants?
Has Ron Paul ever driven faster than the speed limit, and if so, did he admit to treason?
Who would win a tickle fight among the remaining Republican candidates?
Will Rick Santorum pledge to overturn Roe v Wade if elected, and, if so, will he admit to failing his civics class?
If Mitt Romney could have three wishes, and he couldn't wish for more wishes, what would they be?
Will the Republican nomination race come down to a winner-take-all arm-wrestling round-robin tournament at the national convention?
How many votes one candidate will saying "nine eleven" more than their opponent get them?
If Ron Paul could have dinner with one fellow delusional presidential candidate, who would it be and why?
Will Rick Santorum ever get past his Oedipal complex?
Who did Obama like best in this year's Slam Dunk Contest?
Does Joe Biden practice singing the National Anthem in preparation for Inauguration Day due his failure to understand of what the oath of office is?
Will Democrats rally behind Obama this year, or do they have better things to do?
Which party will have the next headline-grabbing sex scandal, and how will it hurt their presidential candidate?
How much time does Rick Santorum spend Tebow-ing?
Will any Republican candidate have the courage to say that it's not the children but instead the middle-aged men who are our future?
Would any parent let Ron Paul kiss their baby?
Why is Romney's hair only gray in they one spot? Is it because his ears are so stressed out?
If Mitt Romney gave me a million dollars, would I vote for him?
What's Newt Gingrich's personal best in consecutive jump ropes?
How helpful is Obama to his daughters if they have a question about their math homework?
If you put a lion, a crocodile, an elephant, and Newt Gingrich in a room and locked the door, which would get eaten by which?
How many licks, on average, does it take Rick Santorum to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Will a study of 2012's politic headlines lead to the conclusion that there was a surge in the numbers of times 'surge' was used in headlines?
After Americans become weary of being over-polled, how many exit poll responses in November will just be the middle finger, and will MSNBC mistakenly project that the middle finger will win the election?
Are double rainbows against Rick Santorum's religion?
Where does Ron Paul naturally leave his arms when he is standing still?
If Mitt Romney could only wear one color for the rest of his life, what would it be, and what would the foreign policy implications be of such a decision?
Will Barack Obama execute the perfect dramatic pause during a debate this year, a pause so dramatic that even Mitt Romney stares wide-eyed at him waiting for him to complete his thought?
Will Rick Santorum come out against unisex hair salons?
Does Biden tie his shoes with two loops, bunny around the tree, or does he have velcro?
How many countries that they have advocated for military action against can the candidates find on a map?
How will Mitt Romney downplay the important of bin Laden during a foreign policy debate with Obama?
Are these evil Republican candidates actually God's way of punishing this country for allowing gay people to live openly?
Will Romney try to get votes by implying that he might be able to pay off some of the country's debt out of his own pocket if he were elected, but then totally backtrack after winning and say everyone misunderstood him?
Can any of the candidates from any party execute even the simplest kickflip?
If he were elected and the economy went down again, would Newt Gingrich leave the U.S. for a younger, healthier country?
Will scientists soon link looking at Rick Santorum's face to cancer?
To appease dissatisfied liberals, will Obama promise to close Guantanamo again, only this time he really means it (wink wink)?
Can the Obama campaign keep Joe Biden under wraps for long enough to win the election?
How can the Republicans ruin their chances even more?

Peyton Manning's Potential Landing Places

2012-03-09T13:41:00.000-05:00

The Peyton Manning Sweepstakes have begun. There are a lot of teams that are very interested in having this neck-injured brother of a two-time Super Bowl MVP who hasn't played football in a year. He's going to get a lot of money, and might have a big impact on whatever team he goes to, assuming he can still move his arms in a throwing motion.

Where will Peyton Manning end up? Where should he? Here's our breakdown of each team's needs and chances.

Miami Dolphins: Peyton would fit in well with Miami's Dan Marino, who was also a really great regular season quarterback. He would also fit in with the city's recent tradition and paying a shitload of money for great players and having mediocre-to-bad players filling out the rest of the team. Change of Peyton (COP): High.

Buffalo Bills: A team in desperate need of a quarterback who spends more time being good at football and less time growing a beard. However, Buffalo is a cold city and the Bills probably can't afford to build a roof on their stadium to appease Peyton's (possible) outrageous but completely acceptable demands for warmth. COP: Low

New York Jets: They have a quarterback that nobody really likes, but I doubt they'll give up on him yet. Between being on the divisional rivals of Tom Brady and playing in the same city as Eli, this would be the most hyped situation in the history of sports. Inevitably, the Jets would miss the playoffs. COP: Low

New England Patriots: They already have a pretty good quarterback. Maybe he could play defense? COP: Non-existent

Jacksonville Jaguars: I sometimes forget they are still a team. They could probably use a good player, but I just have a hard time believing that the Jags could or will ever have a superstar. I just can't picture ESPN covering a Jacksonville player. COP: Medium

Tennessee Titans: Their screwed up quarterback situation for the passed three or four years was apparently all in preparation for Manning to become a free agent. Suddenly the Titans look like geniuses when it comes to team management. COP: High-ish

Houston Texans: Peyton Manning would never go to the Texans because he had some of his best games ever against them. He doesn't want to join the one team he can beat up on. COP: Low

Indianapolis Colts: They could use a quarterback, for sure. Oh... oh right. I suppose their plan could be this: Release Peyton, he signs with another team, then they trade the number 1 draft pick for Peyton plus some other players. That's not completely out of the question, right? COP: Extraordinarily minimal

Pittsburgh Steelers: Their quarterback is among the top in the NFL, but he is a sexual predator. Perhaps they should consider getting good-guy Peyton to replace him. COP: Non-existent

Cleveland Browns: Nobody wants to go to Cleveland. COP: Low

Cincinnati Bengals: I doubt the Bengals will want to slow the progress of their rising QB star, what's-his-name. They'll want to focus on building for the long-term. Which is foolish, because they could probably win a Super Bowl with Manning. COP: Medium.

Baltimore Ravens: They are going to stick with Flacco, and stick with winning one or two playoff games per year. COP: Low

Denver Broncos: They can finally shift Tim Tebow to running back and do some sick-ass wildcat trick plays. Unlikely, but imagine Peyton Manning throwing in that thin air every week. Also, the Broncos and Colts are both horses, so maybe he'll feel comfortable there. COP: Medium

Kansas City Chiefs: A guy once looked at Peyton Manning funny in Kansas City. For that reason, COP: Negative infinity

Oakland Raiders: If only Al Davis were alive to somehow make signing Peyton Manning a bust. If Peyton goes to Oakland, Carson Palmer is going to wish he stayed in Cincinnati. COP: Medium

San Diego Chargers: They've got one of the best quarterbacks at throwing for a lot of yards and losing games in the history of the league. They probably don't mind losing all that much. COP: Non-existent

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The cities of Tampa and Indianapolis are so similar in that I don't care about either. They are both cities that nobody would know exists if they didn't have sports teams. It's a great fit. COP: High

New Orleans Saints: These guys play dirty, so he should probably go there so he doesn't get hurt again. COP: Non-existent

Atlanta Falcons: Atlanta fans like their self-nick-naming Matty Ice. I have no clue why. COP: Very low

Carolina Panthers: They just got the number 1 pick last year, and he wasn't a bust. But is he better than Peyton Manning? COP: Very low

Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo sucks. They haven't won a playoff game since Emmitt Smith was a player (I think, I don't feel like fact-checking). But Jerry Jones doesn't care. COP: Non-existent

Philadelphia Eagles: Michael Vick and Peyton Manning would be a hilarious odd-couple of quarterbacks. If the Eagles are more interested in a reality show than winning games, this could work. COP: Low

Washington Redskins: The perfect level of under-performing receivers and useless current quarterback. This could be a great fit. Imagine if you put a bet down two years ago that the Redskins would win the NFC East. You could be a millionaire if Peyton Manning goes to D.C. COP: High

NY Giants: Let's face it: Eli Manning just isn't getting it done. But don't make fans buy new jerseys; have Peyton replace him. COP: Non-existent.

Chicago Bears: They focus more on defense, so they probably don't even know Peyton is a free agent. COP: Low.

Detroit Lions: They have the next Peyton Manning, so the old one will be of no use. COP: Non-existent.

Minnesota Vikings: Like the Titans, they have messed up their quarterback situation so much that there is a huge opening for Peyton. But he has some self-respect. COP: Low-Medium.

Green Bay Packers: Though it would mean dumping Rodgers before/during his prime, getting Peyton would at least mean the Packers' streak of great quarterbacks will go up to 3. COP: Non-existent

St. Louis Rams: They have a good young quarterback and a terrible team. They'll be stuck rebuilding for the next decade. COP: Low

Arizona Cardinals: The Cards were a great surprise team a few years ago, but now aren't very good. A great fit! COP: Medium-High

Seattle Seahawks: If they can win half their games without Peyton Manning, they could win them all with him! COP: Medium

San Francisco 49ers: They proved that you can have the worst quarterback in the league and still get the 2 seed and win a playoff game. They also proved that no quarterback in the world can win when your punt-returner muffs two returns. Peyton won't be interested in having his efforts hang in the balance of butterfingers' arms. COP: Non-existent.

Billy's Opinion: Some thoughts on Super Tuesday

2012-03-06T18:41:00.000-05:00

8:55: Well this is boring. I'm going to stop paying attention to the primaries now.

Blah blah blah not giving up.

Newt spinning his repeated losses by evoking Aesop.

Newt refuses to let the elite keep him from winning. That elitist electorate has been trying to bring him down throughout the primary season, though.

Newt: I hope political experts who said our campaign was dead are watching-- to confirm their beliefs.

I assume that are chanting "Newt," but it just sounds like barking.

As Newt takes the podium, it's announced Santorum won Tennessee. Let's see what loser Newt has to say.

Callista: "Our only opponent is Barack Obama." He wasn't even IN the primaries that Newt lost today. In their own terms, they are losing to nobody.

8:40: Time for a classic Newt Gingrich post-primary speech. First, Newt's wifebot will introduce him.

8:33: Ohio must've sold its soul to the devil in return for making it the most important state election after election. This will be confirmed if Santorum wins-- a sign that the devil is taking his due.

8:30: Just learned that Dennis Kucinich is going to lose his primary for a re-districted seat in Congress. This is a sad day for me and whoever stole my god damn hat.

8:23: Santorum looking good in Oklahoma and Tennessee, two states that are now on my shit list.

8:08: The ABC News people are just talking themselves into circles. None of this matters, really.

8:00: Romney wins Massachusetts. No one cares. ABC News now speculating on what can derail Romney, if anything. They said something like a Jeremiah Wright. Now George Stephanopoulus says it can happen if Gingrich or Santorum drops out and the other wins every primary through June. In other words, Billy Palumbo was right.

7:50: Romney jumps out to lead in Ohio. 1% reporting. Romney always does well with the 1%. Zing. But seriously, that's too close to call for now.

Update, 7:34: Mitt Romney wins Vermont. Congrats for that.

Update, 7:30: No projected results for the past ten minutes or so. My interest is waning.

Update, 7:26: Yes, it can handle it. I just don't feel like muting either of them. I think Bob Dole just drew a foul for Providence.

Update, 7:24: I'm wondering if my internet connection can handle me streaming Super Tuesday results on Hulu and the Big East Tournament at the same time. Updates to follow.

Update, 7:19: Gingrich continues his domination of the backwards-ass states and wins Georgia easily. Romney, meanwhile, wins Virginia in what was Ron Paul's best chance to win a state as Santorum and Gingrich weren't on the ballot. However, since he is a Romney spy, he couldn't beat Mitt. Right now, the Vermont race can't be called because you just never know what the hell those Vermonters will do next.

It's every political junkie's 20th favorite day of the Presidential election cycle (behind Election Day, Election Day Eve, first straw poll, first caucus, first primary, one year before Election Day, 100 days to Election Day, last day of the World Series (when the campaign really begins), first debate, last debate, the eight convention days, and the last 4th of July before Election Day), Super Tuesday! Today, 10 states will decided which sign-waving delegates to send to Tampa, Florida in August to decide who will lose to Barack Obama.

Here are some of my thoughts on Super Tuesday:

Alaska snuck into the Super Tuesday field of states this year. Good for them. Make everyone stay up until midnight before they can say with certainty that Ron Paul did not win anything today.

Speaking of Ron Paul, I think he will achieve his goal tonight. Unfortunately for him, his goal of coming in 2nd or 3rd in every state will not lead to him being nominated.

Fun fact: Newt Gingrich is still running for President. You might remember when he was expected to run away with Iowa.

Rick Santorum will likely not get the woman vote today. That is in part because he doesn't recognize their right to vote. That said, it would interesting to see who does get the female vote today. I'm assuming Mitt Romney-- sure he's almost as bad as the rest when it comes to respecting women, but at least he's good-looking.

Everyone is wondering who, if anyone, will drop out of the race tonight. It's hard to tell, as it seems like Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich are delusional enough to remain in the race through 2014. However, I wouldn't be surprised, especially with no meaningful wins expected tonight, to see Barack Obama bow out of the primary race.

I'm wondering how much strain CNN and Fox News will put into showing how, even after tonight's results, Santorum, Gingrich, or Paul could win. You can safely ignore them once they start speculating on how a sex scandal or Jimmy Carter endorsement might hurt Romney.

It's time to start wondering out Vice President picks. You can look past the three other candidates, as Romney will not be picking them. It's safe to say he'll be choosing one of those people who everyone wanted to run because they hated all the candidates but they refused, like Chris Christie or Mitch Daniels. Right now, my guess is Eric Cantor, the House Majority leader who recently endorsed Romney. I'm going with him because Republicans don't like different people, and Eric Cantor looks like a glasses-wearing version of a younger Mitt Romney. Seriously, Mitt Romney might be Eric Cantor's superhero secret identity.

Lastly (for now), here's a reason why liberals and moderates should vote for Romney in November. If he loses to Obama, the 2016 Republican field will be wide open. And given his success this year, Rick Santorum could very well be the front-runner. And if there's anything we've learned about four-year front-runners (like Romney this time), it's that they have no weak spots and are beloved by all. That means Rick Santorum could coast to the nomination in 2016 to face some unknown Democrat who will probably suck. But if Romney is elected this year, he'll surely be the Republican nominee in 2016. By the time the Republican field is open again in 2020, it'll be too late for Santorum, Ron Paul will be dead, and Newt Gingrich will be in a diabetic coma. So think about it.

Is It Funny? Billy Crystal's Blackface

2012-02-27T21:43:00.001-05:00

There's some post-Oscar buzz around about Billy Crystal's donning of black-ish-face for an impression of Sammy Davis, Jr. The purpose of "Is It Funny?" isn't to discuss the political correctness, sensitivity, or social implications of a joke. We just have to determine whether or not it was funny.

First of all, let's examine the moment a little bit before we get to Crystal. Justin Bieber played a role in this brief sketch. It is certainly laughable, though not funny, to think that Oscar producers and joke-writers think that Bieber appeals to the 18-24 demographic, as Bieber utters in this sketch. Further, it is laughable to think that Bieber knows who Hemingway and Fitzgerald are.

Now on to the blackface. First of all, in the interest of fairness to the joke, I need to be willing to accept that blackface can be funny. It should be said that Crystal's blackface impression of Sammy Davis, Jr. began in a time when it was okay to where blackface (the Reagan era). (I also want to declare that what Crystal donned fits my definition of "blackface," which plays up stereotypes, as opposed to just black-person face make-up, which is less wildly offensive.) It should be said that Crystal's blackface impression of Sammy Davis, Jr. began in a time when it was okay to where blackface (the Reagan era).

So a formerly famous comedian hosting the Academy Awards dons controversial blackface for a thirty year-old joke. Things are not looking good for this joke.

The brief skit, a reference to Midnight in Paris, made very little sense. Why was Sammy Davis Jr there anyway? It was a pointless use of blackface and was far too confusing to really be funny.

This is a pretty clear case of Not Funny, like much of the Oscar jokes from this and most other years. Sorry, Billy. And sorry, Oscar viewers.

Live Blog-- 2012 NBA Slam Dunk Contest

2012-02-25T18:57:00.000-05:00

Personally, I've had a tough time finding the Slam Dunk Contest credible since Gerald Green blew out a candle and lost to Dwight Howard, who didn't even dunk it. Last year, it was especially lame because it was rigged for Blake Griffin to make it to the final round and jump over a car. To complete the lameness, I'm expecting someone to literally jump a shark this year.

That said, it's still pretty awesome. So I'll be live blogging it, along with the other All-Star nonsense that the NBA does, including the Three-Point Shooting Contest, the Shooting Stars, and the Skills Challenge, also known as the Steve Nash Award for Hustle and Chest-Passing.

I understand coverage starts at 8pm, so check back then.

Well, I guess the competitions don't start until 8:30. Until then, TBS will be broadcasting a half hour of their commentators telling inside jokes with each other.

Spike Lee is there, wearing what a novelty Jeremy Lin shirt. He better get on his movie "Lin Doin' Work" soon before Lin realizes he plays for the Knicks and begins to suck.

I'm hoping that the slam dunk contest includes animals this year. And fire. Maybe animals on fire. Remember, this year, the fan vote decides the winner, so refuse to vote for someone unless they dunk while holding a burning dog.

They asked Russell Westbrook his strategy to win the skills competition, and he said, (paraphrased) "Don't try that hard." When asked how he thought he would do, Deron Williams said, (paraphrased) "I don't care, so I probably won't win."

Considering this is a weekend all about current All-Stars, they seem to be talking a lot about Shaquille O'Neal.

Looks like the graphics people at TBS discovered how to make lasers while making this intro.

To start the show, they show some of the celebrities who are in attendance: Mary J. Blige (my birthday buddy), Chris Brown, Chris Tucker, Bill Russell, and... Wolf Blitzer. I just wasn't expecting that.

They should redo the shooting stars competition format and just make it a half-court contest. That's the only good part of it.

Reggie Miller just said the Shooting Stars thing is going to be the best. He must be bitter and not care about three-point shooting at all.

Both Texas and New York hit their half-court shots early. That's gotta be painful to watch for those fans who have missed half-court shots with a million dollars on the line.

This Foot Locker commercial with dunking over snowmen would work a lot better if global warming didn't prevent this winter from ever happening.

Home team Orlando is really blowing it in this contest, not hitting any shots. Only this time, they can't blame the refs.

Being a ball boy for this contest is way less cool than being a ball boy for the Home Run Derby. But at least these kids can catch it.

Another commercial break. This is colossally boring television.

The announcers saying that Kenny Smith's first-try half-court shot make was "huge." This is the Shooting Stars contest; they lack an understanding of the meaning of the word "huge."

Team New York wins. Spike Lee has something to celebrate for the first time since Isaiah Thomas left as head coach.

The intro for the Skills Competition has some of the most exciting inbound passes in NBA history. But I'm not sure why this broadcast needs to have a short music video before each contest.

Rajon Rondo will win this if he can get through it without picking up a technical foul.

Tony Parker is still playing? Isn't he like 90?

Rondo with a respectable time and a nice behind the back move. In a game, he likely would have been stripped, but those NBA logos don't play good defense.

Kyrie Irving, MVP in the rookie/sophomore game, is walking through this. An insult to this Taco Bell-sponsored game.

Deron Williams with one of the best bounce passes in the history of the sport of basketball. That is why we watch this, for great plays like that. Incredible bounce pass. We'll be talking about that bounce pass for YEARS to come.

Russell Westbrook, who always reminds me of a Goomba from the Super Mario Brothers movie, with a respectable time, but he was immediately knocked out by old man Tony Parker.

John Wall and Rajon Rondo tied! Are they going to do a pass-off?!

No, they just run it again. Rondo gets 27.5 seconds. I hope they tie again and just keep doing tie-breakers for hours.

After knowing he lost, John Wall tried to do a self-pass off the backboard for a sick dunk. It was a bad pass. Turned out to just be really embarrassing. Glad he isn't in the dunk contest.

The best part of this night is that Lebron James isn't involved.

Ah, God damn it. Right as I typed that, they show a shot of Lebron sitting next to his friend Dwayne Wade.

I guess that are allowed to travel. Rondo with some awful bounce passes. To all those kids reading this, focus on the fundamentals: bouncing passes through big circles.

Tony Parker won. It seems silly to reward jogging, but whatever.

For those wondering, Deron Williams dogging it after missing his shots cost the kid paired with him $5,000 in scholarship money, as he came in 3rd rather than 2nd.

I think Dwayne Wade wants to look like Kanye West, what with his thick glasses and such.

I'm rooting for Kevin Durant in the three-point contest because I once gave him directions. He's so much taller than me, so it took a few minutes for the sound of my voice to reach his ears, though.

Nice segue from honoring the Armed Forces to Charles Barkley, "a force of one."

James Jones said he and fellow Heat member Mario Chalmers "have two of the best teammates ever." Is that a shot at Chris Bosh?

Charles Barkley now discussing whose jersey you could or could not wear "in the ghetto."

Chalmers: Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. 18 points.

Love: Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. 18 points.

Morrow: Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. (out of time) 14 points

This is fun.

Commercial for Max Payne 3, the game. Max Payne was pretty awesome, especially with the slow-mo deaths scenes when you killed the last people in a room. Also I liked killing the drug addicts in that one hotel in the first part.

Kevin Durant has an unfair advantage because he's so much taller than everyone. Also, it's unfair that he's such a nice guy.

Durant: Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. 20 points.

Anderson: Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. 17 points.

Jones: Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. 22 points.

Tiebreaker, Chalmers: Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. (out of time, 24-second limit in tie-breaker) 4 points

Tiebreaker, Love: Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. (out of time) 5 points

For tie-breakers, they should have let the other guy try to block their shots. I guess that could have that in the whole thing to make this more exciting.

Apparently Don Cheadle is calling, texting, and/or tweeting Reggie Miller and Charles Barkley RIGHT NOW.

Love: Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. 16 points.

You hate to miss the money ball, or Moneyball, the Oscar-nominated movie. (Oscars tomorrow!)

Durant: Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. 16 points.

Jones: Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. 12 points

James Jones just blew it, badly.

Love, championship tie-breaker: Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. 17 points.

Barkley said it isn't his fault that Lebron James is going bald. He then used the term "preemptive strike" to say what you should do when you shave your head as you go bald. This was while Kevin Love was shooting for the championship tie break.

Durant: Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. 14 points.

What's most impressive about Kevin Love's win is that he also picked up 12 rebounds while shooting to record a double-double.

Now it's time for what we've all been waiting for: the severely watered-down and shortened Slam Dunk Contest with people I've never heard of!

Oh, no, first it's Flo Rida.

I think Flo Rida plays for the Orlando Magic.

Whoa. What was that thing, with two bodies and swords in the Clash of the Titans 2 commercial? Is it competing in the Slam Dunk Contest? I bet it can do some dope moves.

Do people still say "dope" to mean cool?

Do people still say "cool"?

As I mentioned earlier, Chris Brown is there. I hope someone slam dunks on his face.

America votes on the winner! Hooray!

They put computer chips into the rim. Is it really necessary to quantify slam dunks like that? What a waste of M.I.T. talent.

P. Diddy stole the mic, but all he had to say was "What's up Orlando? What's up Orlando?"

Buddinger just jumped over P. Diddy. Not sure if that's really the best dunk, but still. Was he sitting at home thinking, "Man, I got a great idea for a dunk. I wonder if anyone I know knows P. Diddy."

Jeremy Evans' was not great, mainly because his bounce almost went directly in. He should cut the theatrics and focus on power dunking and jam-slamming.

Paul George is going to jump over everyone in the arena.

And, he didn't make it. He might end up sitting on his shoulders while he dunks.

And he made it. Not a bad dunk. He did kind of push himself up and then junk the guy in the head, though.

A mascot driving a motorcycle. This has officially become the stupidest shit in the world.

Derrick Williams windmills over a motorcycle; is that better than Blake Griffin boring-dunk over a car?

If only they could add more props and nonsense and skits to this contest.

Barkley just called out America for electing George W. Bush.

Buddinger follows up his P. Diddy dunk with one of the most boring dunks I've ever seen in my life.

Jeremy Evans just double-dunked over a dude sitting in a chair. That was good. Makes up for his awful first dunk.

Paul George has a nice glow-in-the-dark 360 dunk. He must have burned through a lot of blacklight bulbs while practicing that.

Derrick Williams received a pass from off the side of the backboard. It was alright, but avid fans of the Slam Dunk Contest will remember that someone did a cooler version of that a couple years ago.

They each have one dunk left. No animals have been used yet. No fire, either, though the glow in the dark was pretty close. I hope someone includes rollerblades in theirs. Or a gun.

So far I have to say I'm underwhelmed with these anonymous slam-dunkers. Jeremy Evans' two-ball dunk was very good. Paul George's glow-in-the-dark gimmick was nice and gimmicky, but not as good. Other than those two, they have all sucked. I haven't voted yet.

Buddinger is gonna go blind-folded. Hope the Houston Rockets have great insurance.

He missed the first one. I can't judge though, because I definitely can't do any part of this.

And he finishes by dunking backwards. Not bad, but his first dunks were quite weak. I'm still gonna wait to vote.

Jeremy Evans puts on a Karl Malone jersey, most likely in an attempt to get people to vote for him because they think he is Karl Malone. He dunks over the shortest person in the building. This is a bummer of a contest.

Paul George mistakenly shouts out to Larry Brown before correcting himself-- it's for Larry Bird.

He's trying to stick Larry Bird's face on the backboard as he dunks.

This is hard to watch. I could definitely miss as many dunks as he has so far.

Not great. But the Larry Bird thing was a nice touch.

Still hoping for a somersault or some type of acrobatics. This is the last dunk now.

Derrick Williams is going to try to suspend gravity to do this dunk.

I'm bored now.

He keeps missing. I think he forgot how to play basketball.

And he goes to lame-ass back-up dunk. Of course I still can't do it.

Well, this was probably not worth it to live blog. But I'll stick around to see who wins. I'll go with Evans for that two-handed thing, because that was the only impressive dunk of the night.

I don't care if I sound like a slam dunk snob right now.

She said votes were cast around the world, but they told me "America votes." That's bull.

Jeremy Evans won. She seemed to read it off a piece of paper, though, which is suspicious given that all votes were digital.

At least there is justice, given that the only good dunk, the Jeremy Evans two-handed dunk, won.

It is embarrassing that he won with 29% of the vote, given that there were only 4.

Well, thanks for reading. Sorry the contests sucked so much, but that's not my fault.

Super Bowl and Presidential Politics

2012-02-04T23:57:00.001-05:00

Two years ago, I wrote about how the Super Bowl was a clear analogy for the political circumstances of 2010. I compared the Indianapolis Colts to the Republicans and the Saints to the Democrats, and hilariously predicted that a Saints win would lead to Democratic gains in the midterm elections. I was much dumber then, obviously-- I thought "Super Bowl" was one word.

Today, though, I still see important parallels between the most American annual event and the most American quadrennial event. Super Bowls and elections play such a major role in our lives-- there is not a child in this country that doesn't wish they could win one or the other (or, when Lynn Swann's case, both). This year, Mitt Romney is the Patriots, and everyone else are the Giants.
Romney/New England Patriots have spent the years investing in the money/players necessary to win this year. In 2008, both suffered unexpected losses to the oldest nominee/coach ever thanks to Super Tuesday/David Tyree. The Patriots embody the "inevitability" term often attached to Romney, and Romney embodies the "new [Republican] dynasty" term often attached to this year's Patriots. Tom Brady's poise in the pocket is not unlike Mitt Romney's immobile hair. Romney's occasionally verbal gaffes, including "I don't care about the very poor," are not unlike Tom Brady's suggestion that Patriots fans get drunk before a game against the Jets.

The Giants, meanwhile, represent characteristics of different nominees. Tom Coughlin is old; so is Ron Paul. Eli Manning looks like a horse; so does Rick Santorum. Manning can quickly run through his progression of receivers when they are covered, much like Newt Gingrich's ability to quickly divorce his wives when they get sick and old. And none of them should really be where they are right now.

If we take the NFC to represent the conservative wing of the Republican party, we can consider who among them could really be Gingrich and Santorum's place right now. Bachmann, the Packers, came on strong in the regular season, but blew it when it really mattered. Herman Cain, the 49ers, had a strong run but nobody really thought he could make it. Rick Perry, the Cowboys, had the best shot of taking the others out early, but also seemed to try desperately not to succeed. Jon Huntsman, the Falcons, kind of stuck around, unnoticed, longer than anyone expected. Tim Pawlenty, the Eagles, had high expectations early on but also bowed out early. Donald Trump, the Rams, garnered a lot of media attention for being such a laughing-stock. But it was the Giants, these rag-tags candidates, who have strung together some good poll numbers and simply refuse to quit, and now they stand close to taking down the so-called inevitable winner. (As I write this paragraph, Newt Gingrich just officially threw his support behind the New York Giants, thereby proving everything I've just written.)

The Patriots, despite all the fanfare, have their weaknesses. Their defense isn't great, and Rob Gronkowski will be playing hurt. Mitt Romney, despite his current momentum, has his weakness, too: he is one of the most out-of-touch candidates for President since George H.W. Bush, and that includes Barack Arugulua-Guns and Religion Obama. Of course, as with any good team, the Patriots can make their weakness into an advantage, by spreading the ball on the offense to the rest of their solid receiving corps. And Mitt Romney could actually benefit from being damn filthy rich, because Republican voters for some reason love rich people.

So we'll see today whether or not the Giants are really under-rated, and we'll fine out later this primary season whether or not Romney's opponents are really under-rated. Does Ron Paul belong in the conversation of top-tier candidates, with Romney, Gingrich, Brady, and Peyton? Will Mitt Romney get lackadaisical and throw an out-of-character interception? Will Gingrich ever stop trying to on-side kick it after every field goal? And will Rick Santorum ever be comfortable getting his butt slapped by teammates?

Ultimately, it's hard to see Romney losing. It would take a lot of nationwide stupidity for the Republicans to nominate someone other than Romney. And, like a potential Giants victory, that is very possible.

Thoughts from Sibor Space: A Super Bowl Proposal for You

2012-02-03T11:11:00.003-05:00

by Doug Sibor, Serum guest blogger

With the Super Bowl a mere two days away, I find myself having a hard time figuring out the best way to cope with my excitement. For many, myself included, this is like having a second Christmas*. However, this anticipation has nothing to do with the fact that my beloved New England Patriots are once again in the game. Indeed, the Super Bowl brings about another, altogether different occasion to celebrate: Gambling Armageddon.

*Or second Hanukkah, for my fellow children of Israel

Most people who have watched football know that casual (and serious) gambling is a vital element of what makes football America’s most popular sport. The Super Bowl takes this idea to seemingly impossible heights, and creates out of thin air incentive for almost any person to watch the game. If you’re willing to plunk down a couple bucks, even if you don’t ever watch football, there’s something in this game for you. I give you the Super Bowl “proposition” bets.

“Come on,” you say, “surely there is no reason for me to watch this game! I only enjoy watching E! News and reading Perez Hilton!” Ah, not so fast my friend! You can utilize your vast knowledge of Hollywood and celebrity culture and win some extra cash to boot. How do these wagers tickle your fancy?

How long will it take Kelly Clarkson to sing the National Anthem, over or under 1 minute, 34 seconds? Bet $120 to win $100.

What color will Madonna's hair be when she begins the Super Bowl Halftime show, blonde (bet $400 to win $100) or any other color (bet $100 to win $250)?

Sure, these bets would be fun to make just standing alone, but if you’re like me you enjoy when wild scenarios play out, setting off a chain reaction of increasingly improbable events. And, should this happen at the Super Bowl, you want to be prepared. Say Kelly Clarkson is carrying a few extra pounds, and her belly is kind of busting out of her shirt (bet $100 to win $500). Then, when she starts singing the national anthem, the crowd turns on her and she fumbles over a word (bet $100 to win $300), dragging out the anthem over 1:34 and leading to the demise of her career and years of therapy. Before the game even kicks off, you could be rich. If you bet $100 that all three of these events will happen (belly burst, fumbling a word, long national anthem), you could win almost $2500! Add a couple of zeroes to your wager, and her misery and shame could be your ticket to the high life!

If you are one of those people that cares about politics and current events, you certainly can dip your toe in the Super Bowl gambling waters. Did you know that our President, Barack “Barry O’Bomber” Obama, is a big sports fan? I know, I didn’t either! Well, if you think you can get inside his head and figure out his pick for this game, you could be rich. Likewise, if you think you have a good beat on the stock market, you could earn more money on this game than you could there. Since our president is spending his “work” time handicapping sports games and our economy is still tanking, America may lose. You, though, can be a winner! What do I mean?

Who will Barack Obama pick to win the game, the New England Patriots (bet $120 to win $100) or the New York Giants (bet $120 to win $100)?

What will happen with the Dow Jones the day after the Super Bowl, market up (bet $140 to win $100) or down (bet $100 to win $100)?

If you’re a sports fan who is only watching the game because your friends want to and it beats sitting at home watching World’s Strongest Man on ESPN**, there’s something in it for you too; you don’t have to be married to just this one game to be able to derive all of your sports enjoyment for the day. If you’re a Bruins fan, you could try:

What will be higher: Deion Branch Receptions (bet $115 to win $100) or Tyler Seguin Shots on Goal (bet $115 to win $100)?

If basketball is more your thing, why not give this one a go:

What will be higher: Ahmad Bradshaw Receiving Yards (bet $130 to win $100) or Chris Bosh Points (bet $100 to win $100)?

**If you’re really bored sometime this week, it is pretty amusing to see what is running on TV against the Super Bowl. Again, you’ll need to be really bored to do this. You’ve been warned

Or, perhaps, you’re not interested in the props that are bound to statistics and numbers. Maybe you want to see something that isn’t about the players on the field. As an unabashed referee enthusiast, I know that I definitely want to place some wagers on the zebras. How about:

After a review, referee John Parry will fumble over at least two words of his explanation of the call (bet $300 to win $100)

A player will either intentionally or unintentionally run over a ref during the game, causing his legs to comically splay up in the air (bet $100 to win $250)

Another huge component of the game unrelated to the action on the field is, of course, the commentary. NBC has the game this year, so we’ll be hearing Al Michaels (once traded by ABC for a cartoon) and Chris Collinsworth (a man with interesting ideas on wooing the ladies). While both men will strive to remain fairly objective, sometimes they can’t help themselves. Here are a couple surefire winners that really speak for themselves:

Al Michaels will compare Eli with Peyton Manning, suggesting that perhaps, if he wins the game, Eli might surpass Peyton in the eyes of some people (bet $9000 to win $100)

Chris Collinsworth will gush about Tom Brady’s poise, arm strength, experience, hair, physique, and scent (bet $12,000 to win $100)

Ultimately, it seems a virtual certainty that the play of the quarterbacks will decide the game. Whether you believe in the ruggedly handsome, Ugg-wearing Brady or the overrated and overhyped Eli Manning, there are many interesting bets to be made. If you believe that the Patriots will stymie the Giants offense, you could perhaps try:

Eli Manning will make a pouty face and rip off his chin strap in frustration over 1.5 times (bet $400 to win $100)

If you think that the Giants are going to rough up Tom Brady and make him uncomfortable in the pocket, then perhaps you’d like:

Tom Brady will stand immobile in the pocket over 2.5 times, a flashback to the Drew Bledsoe era, even as Giants pass rushers bear down on him (bet $100 to win $200)

And, of course, we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention the men patrolling the sidelines: high school heartthrob Bill Belichick and mean old man Tom Coughlin, who is a cross between Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino and the villain from the Captain America movie. Both have had their ups and downs: Coughlin seems like he is going to be fired because his team hates him halfway through every year, only to have the Giants rebound and inexplicably save his job, and Belichick has gone from three Super Bowls in four years to, well…I guess it’s just always good to be Bill. In any case, these men will surely play a pivotal role in the game, and you can decide just how much you believe in them by placing either of these wagers:

Tom Coughlin will stand, face bright red, mouth agape, and with his hands on his hips, incredulous at a referee’s call (bet $42,000 to win $100)

Bill Belichick will smile over 0.5 times during the game (bet $100 to win $147,000)

Remember, no matter what you choose to wager on, these “prop” bets are a huge part of the Super Bowl experience. This is a game that brings in upwards of $100 million worth of wagers in Las Vegas, to say nothing of the countless online sports books that most Americans use. For a casual fan or someone who likes rooting for strange things to happen, there really is no better way to enjoy it. If you’re looking for me on Sunday, I’ll be the guy in the corner muttering to himself about how BenJarvus Green-Ellis better rush for over 47.5 total yards.

Doug resides in Boston, is a fan of third world sports, particularly soccer, and is pretty good at using scissors. He might be left-handed, too, but I'm not sure. Check out his blog here. Read his other submissions to The Serum Magazine here.

Billy's Opinion: My New Personal Privacy Policy and Terms of Use

2012-02-02T14:24:00.002-05:00

To all who interact with me in any way, please read my new Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. If you continue to interact with me after February 3, 2012, it will be under these policies:

Definitions:
Any and all persons who may or might interact with me at anytime in the future shall be henceforth referred to as "you."
Billy Palumbo shall be henceforth referred to as "I," or "me," depending on the grammatical dictates of the sentence.

While I will not actively attempt to sell your email address and/or all other information I know about you, if someone offers me money, then I will accept.

You are prohibited from recounting any of our interactions, unless it is to tell someone about a funny thing I said. I reserve the right to recount any of our interactions to anyone I choose, even in a snide, sarcastic, and insulting manner.

By analyzing word clouds of our conversations, I will publicly display what I determine are your primary interests for all to see, so that they can advertise to you better.

If you begin a conversation with me, I have the right to end it at anytime. Furthermore, I reserve the right to continue any conversation until my witty jokes, enlightening anecdotes, or knowledge-proving fact-spouting is complete, and you will be expected to listen.

If I give you a nickname, you must answer to it from then on.

Sometimes I sing my sentences, and I'm not going to apologize anymore.

Being in my way or cutting in front of me in any public or shared space is strictly prohibited. Failure to comply will result in a dirty look.

Any favors asked of me will require a fee of 5% of the favor's value, as determined by me.

Don't bother asking because yes, I am going to eat that and, as such, you cannot have some.

Failure to understand that I am allergic to tree nuts and not peanuts will result in termination of friendship/acquaintanceship/colleagueship and/or whatever relationship we had up to that time.

If I have something on my face and/or in my teeth, you are expected to tell me. If you have something on your face, however, I will feel too awkward to say anything. It is your responsibility to check your own face in a mirror every five minutes to prevent said awkward feelings.

If I give you my phone number, you should discreetly hide it in your phone contacts under "The King," "His Highness," or something similar.

If you give me your phone number, I will tweet it and say that it is Justin Bieber's number.

Don't talk to me in a public bathroom. Really, don't be in a bathroom if I am in there.

Upon meeting, if you want to engage in any kind of relationship, you should provide me with a profile picture and summary of your interests so I can decide whether or not I want to interact with you. If requested, be prepared to provide hundreds of other photos for review.

Anything you say, write, send, or gesture to me is considered an unsolicited submission, and becomes my intellectual property. You will not be credited.

No texting after midnight. My vibrating phone scares me.

Primary Write-In Suggestions

2012-01-31T18:50:00.000-05:00

Are you dissatisfied with the candidates for the Presidency? If so, you must be a person.

Just because Mitt Romney has wrapped up the nomination doesn't mean the primaries are over! Instead of casting a meaningless vote for a candidate/real person, try writing in some joke names. We've compiled a list of names to write in when you cast your ballot. (Democrats, the fun isn't just for Republicans. Remember, you can still vote against Obama in your state's primary!)

Minnie Mouse
Roger Rabbit
Roger Ebert
Ghost of George Siskel
George Washington
Thomas Jefferson
Jefferson Davis
Baron Davis
Charles Barkley
Gnarls Barkley
Penis
Wayne Brady
J.D. Salinger
Ronald Reagan, Jr
Mike Gravel
Cookie Monster
Abraham Lincoln
Anderson Cooper
Charlie Chaplin
Charlie Chan
Ryan Gosling
Ghost of Babe Ruth
Tonsil
Jim from The Office
Mr. Met
Jack Nicholson
Pickle
Derek Jeter
Ron Swanson
Leo
Bob's Furniture
The Rock
Gary Shandling
Bruce Springsteen, The Boss
The Fat One
The Ugly One
Racist
Homophobe
Pizza Guy
The You're Fired Guy
Fred Armisen
Norm MacDonald
Louis CK
Balls
Doug Funnie
Rand Paul LOL
Lego
Geraldo's Mustache
Joe the Plumber
Bob the Builder
Bill Pullman in Independence Day
Morgan Freeman's Ghost
Wall-E
The Old Man from UP
Dave Chappelle
Sticky Stuff on Post-Its
Cat
Harvey Dent
X to the Z
Woolly Willy
Don Draper
The REAL Don Draper
George Clooney
God
Open Marriage
How come the really fat guy didn't run?
John McCain
Al Gore
iPad
Warren Buffett
Cheeseburger
Brandy
Mary Kate Olsen
The Fox Football Robot
Troy Aikman
Dennis Leary
Billy Palumbo

Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments.

Live Blog-- State of the Union 2012

2012-01-24T20:16:00.003-05:00

According to the Constitution, the President is forced once a year to go on TV in front of a bunch of people who hate him and tell the country what he wants to, and will probably fail to, do in the up-coming year. This is often difficult to watch for most Americans, because there are no commercial breaks for going to the bathroom or getting a beer. Regardless, I will be watching and live blogging.

Among the issues I hope to see Obama talk about: job creation, education, and how to get my cat to stop scratching me.

8:15pm-- Feel free to review my live blog of last year's State of the Union, which I will not be reading to make sure I don't repeat the same jokes.

8:20pm-- Start speculating on who will be put in a secret bunker in case something terrible happens. My guess is Barack Obama.

8:25pm-- I'm watching the Bruins game until the speech starts. I understand that Tim Thomas has decided not to the watch the State of the Union, but I'm not sure if it's for political reasons or because there is no TV on the end of the bench.

8:30pm-- I've heard that Tom Vilsack will the guy in a bunker this year. This is now the best chance that Vilsack, who briefly ran for president in 2008 (actually only in 2006-2007), has ever had of becoming President.

To clarify the above: By "I've heard," I don't mean I got a call from the White House. I mean I read it on Twitter.

8:40pm-- I'm hoping to here Obama play up this year's Super Bowl as a reference to the 1% ruining life for average Americans-- Patriots vs. Giants. It's such an obvious analogy for Citizens United, Mitt Romney's taxes, and so many other things going on in the country today.

8:45pm-- I know he does this a lot, but do you think Obama ever gets stage fright?

8:50pm-- These timestamps mean nothing.

8:40pm-- Political observers are wondering if this is the year when Obama finally admits that he hates and wants to destroy America. If he does, don't expect it to draw bi-partisan applause.

8:42pm-- I think CNN is going to holograph Obama into The Situation Room, and then they are going to use sick graphics to flick Congressmen from screen to screen.

8:45pm-- This looks like a convention of Just For Men's Touch of Gray before and after models.

Who the hell let Al Franken in there?! Oh right. Minnesota.

8:51pm-- The State of the Union transcript was released. I understand that the state of the union is "intact, for now."

8:57pm-- Gabrielle Giffords gets massive standing ovation. Supreme Court booed. (In my house, at least.)

Now, the next President of the United States of America, Michelle O.

Hey, it's the guy from Batman!

(I mean Senator Leahy, not Christian Bale.)

It's not fair that Arne Duncan gets to sit in the front. He's really tall.

Things I've already seen on Twitter: "Michelle looks great!" "Hillary looks great!" Things I'll never see on Twitter: "[male politician] looks great!"

9:05pm-- Speech starting shortly. Will Obama tout war, or take on steroids? Finding out soon.

Obama kissing his way to the podium.

99% of Congressmen don't get to shake his hand on the way in. These people are the 1%. Also getting some sweet airtime.

It's stupid that the Supreme Court Justices wear their robes. Are they so worried that no one will recognize them that they have to wear their uniform?

9:10pm-- Obama suspiciously hands manila folders to Biden and Boehner. I understand Boehner got a copy of the speech for review, and Biden got a coloring book to occupy him for the next hour.

Nice helicopter shot over the room there.

That mystery silver thing from last year is still there, though now in front of Boehner.

Wait a second-- they switched seats from last year, didn't they?

Obama begins by bragging that he followed Bush's timeline to withdraw troops from Iraq.

I think Congress is chanting "troops" while applauding.

"For the first time in two decade, Osama bin Laden is not a threat to this country." In other words, for the first time in six decades, Osama bin Laden is not living.

So far the President is using relatively subdued gestures. Let's see how that impacts his re-election campaign.

Fuck, that's a huge gavel.

Biden coughed somewhat loudly. Speech ruined.

Now Biden now reaching into his pocket or something....

And he put a tic-tac in his mouth. Biden is clearly bored, four minutes into the speech. How is he the Vice President?

Obama just referred to his American grandparents. Took me a long time to figure out how that was possible.

Everyone plays by the same rules-- he's talk to you, Mitt Romney.

"In 2008, the house of cards collapsed." Also, that's when he got elected.

Obama blaming someone other than Bush for the recession. Republicans have lost their rebuttal.

Boehner delays applause about how businesses are creating jobs. Maybe he's just holding back his emotions so he doesn't start crying.

"The state of our union is getting stronger." That's a description, not really a good summary.

He wants to prevents another recession. Brilliant man.

General Motors is on top as the world's number one automaker, according to Obama. Those Eminem commercials fucking worked.

Old man claps hilariously.

Pittsburgh and Raleigh get sick shout-outs. So jealous.

This guy's talking about a fucking LOCK company. He wants us to become the number one LOCK manufacturer in the world. LOCKS.

"We should start with our tax codes." Smash-cut to: John Kerry with disgustingly bruised face.

Companies out-sourcing should not get a tax break for out-sourcing. Those tax breaks should go to the fucking LOCK company. (We're still talking about LOCKS.)

If China were in the room, they would also not be applauding (along with Republicans).

Eric Cantor doesn't want Americans to have jobs.

Toledo just got a nice shout-out. What the fuck did Toledo do to deserve a mention by Obama?

He's going to take on unfair trade practices in other countries, likely by saying, "Hey that's not fair! You gotta play fair."

"If the playing field is level, America will win every time." We lost the World Cup; is he saying it was rigged?

Charlotte, Orlando, and Louisville got shout-outs. Who cares about these cities?

"Companies like semen." [this may not be transcribed properly]

Boehner smartly wore a blue tie. Brings out his great, tear-filled eyes.

CNN just showed Arne Duncan's face for a long, long time. He is evidently the only person in the room who cares about education.

Now students can't drop out until they turn 18? Sounds like government-mandated learning. You can't make us learn if we don't want to!

He wants to double the number of work study jobs and increase student aid. As a graduate student, I say, "Woooooooooooooo!"

The President wants colleges to not raise tuition all the time. My school just bought an expensive house for the new college president.

Obama talking about immigrants who are not citizens, brought here as a young child and grew up "American through and through," and face deportation everyday. Is he talking about himself?

Fewer illegal crossings from Mexico than before Obama was president. Fuck you Bush, you fucking illegal Mexican-lover. And you too, John McCain, who for some reason didn't applaud the idea of immigration reform.

"Send me this law, I will sign it right away. Send me that law, I will sign it right away. Hand me my receipt at a store, I will sign it right away."

"Women should earn equal pay." Boooo!

Steve Jobs reference. Then, "Most new jobs are created in small businesses." Most new Steve Jobs?

He's talking about curing cancer and saving police officers. I dare you not to applaud, Boehner. The internet! Computers! I dare you, Boehner! Clap, damn you! Clap!

He said, "I'm directing my administration" fast and mumbled, sounded like, "I'm directing my menstruation." I'm a child.

Oil sucks, and everyone agrees.

The idea that we don't have to choose between the economy and the environment seemed to really confuse Joe Biden. He glanced at Boehner, saw that he wasn't applauding, and followed suit.

Now he's touting the fact that we'll be the leading manufacturing of fancy batteries. We're talking about locks and batteries.

Obama: "I will not walk away from clean energy." That's because he doesn't walk-- he helicopters everywhere.

"You guys are too dumb to do something about global warming. So fuck you, I'm doing it myself."

They are going to build some clean energy stuff to power 3 million homes. Sounds like buying the election to me.

He just said the word "infrastructure," and most of the country changed the channel.

He said to take half the money we aren't spending in war to pay off debt, and the other half to make the internet faster.

I missed most of what he said about banks. But banks? Boooo.

"No bail-outs, no hand-outs, no cop-outs." Yeah, fuck you, rich people!

Awful "crying over" spilled milk joke. Unless it was a shot at Boehner crying all the time.

Standing ovation over Obama's belief that milk spills aren't that big of a deal. Standing ovation.

Now he's talking about the BP oil spill, like 18-months after people forgot about it.

NO MORE CONFUSING FORMS FROM LENDERS! Obama 2012!!!!

Obama wants to stop a tax hike for Americans, and wants to pass the payroll tax cut. Republicans tentatively applaud.

Oh God, but he wants to raise taxes on millionaires! Noooooooooooo

How tempted is Obama to call out Mitt Romney by name when talking about how millionaires pay less taxes than average Americans.

He wants members of Congress to pay their fair share of taxes. That line is a huge risk with this audience (Congress).

I'm starting to get the impression that Obama is bragging about being a millionaire.

Now he is justifying our cynicism over Congress. Congress sheepishly looks down at its shoes.

He wants to ban insider trading by members of Congress, or owning stock in industries they impact, or wait-- these are all already conflicts of interest? They need to make it more explicit to understand that bullshit?

He wants to consolidate federal bureaucracy. I don't see how that's possible without creating another agency to determine what should be consolidated.

He says that Washington should not be a town of clinging to rigid ideologies. In short, he hates America.

Abraham Lincoln quote gets standing ovation.

He's gonna finish this strong. Al Qaeda is scared! America rules! Spilled milk!

Obama now talks about how Qaddafi is dead. U.S. Congress applauds his torture and assassination.

Sounded like he said, "Christians, Muslims, and juice."

This might be the first time in a long time that a President mentions Iran in a State of the Union without threatening war--- oh wait, spoke to soon. "I will take no options off the table" to prevent Iran from getting nuclear weapons. Then major applause. Then, "A peaceful option would be better." Then one guy applauded (Kucinich?).

Congress loves Israel.

"We've made it clear that America is a pacific power." Also an Atlantic power, no?

"America is back." Put that on a t-shirt and I'll fucking buy it right now.

Obama addresses the frightening cyberthreats! Is that like if Anonymous hijacks whitehouse.gov and crashes it into BankofAmerica.com?

Trooooooooooops. Troooooooooooooops.

Obama again refers to police officers as "cops." Huge mistake, especially in an election year.

During solemn moment about how it doesn't matter who you are when you where a U.S. military uniform, someone loudly coughed after "gay or straight." (Kucinich?)

Hillary Clinton managed a chuckle when Obama mentioned that she ran against him for President. She is going to punch some pillows tonight.

He also reminded us that Bob Gates was George Bush's Secretary of Defense. As if to flaunt how fucked up that was. So fucked up.

Speech over. I was hoping he would whip out the pictures of Osama dead to really earn his last standing ovation.

Some guy with a rainbow tie just got to shake Obama's hand.

Take this time to imagine Newt Gingrich giving a State of the Union address. Now go take a shower.

Thanks for following. I'm done now.

Mitt Romney's Running Mate Options

2012-01-12T12:51:00.000-05:00

It's obvious that Mitt Romney will be the Republican nominee. And while some people might complain about the prediction-heavy culture of political pundritry and how it leads to only media-deemed "viable" candidates having any chance, nothing is going to change. So we've decided to look past all the remaining primaries and think about who Mitt Romney could select as his running mate.

Ron Paul:
Right now, Ron Paul is the number two Republican in the race, a feat that would have been so unexpected four years ago (and I'll bet Mike Gravel is kicking himself for not challenging Obama in the primaries). His popularity makes him necessary to discuss. But I doubt Romney could stomach selecting him.
Pro: Would guarantee victory in November, as everything from pure-blood Republicans to pseudo-libertarian hipster pacifists would vote for that ticket.
Con: Romney would face tough criticism for his foreign policy views during the campaign-- from Ron Paul.

Jon Huntsman:
Huntsman showed that he can be the third person in a two-person race by convincing a few thousand people in New Hampshire to vote for him. He would be a solid, boring conservative to help balance the ticket.
Pro: With Huntsman as his running mate, Romney could deflect the Mormon question to him, the Other Mormon, and nobody will care what he says because nobody cares about running mates unless Joe Biden says "Fuck;" this will make everyone forget about the religion question.
Con: He's a no-trait nobody; people would likely forget Romney even had a running mate.

Newt Gingrich:
He was once third in line to the Presidency, so what's one step up?
Pro: Those conservatives who hate Romney could be justified in voting for him because Gingrich also hates him.
Con: "Mitt and Newt" would be one of the worst campaigns signs in history.

Donald Trump:
Trump's celebrity status and hair-do would help to demean the political process into a sideshow more akin to the sports, gossip, and reality television that Americans know and love.
Pro: Trump has experience firing people, and would be great at firing government employees.
Con: If they lose, Romney would never be able to go on Celebrity Apprentice.

Chris Christie:
The one-time darling of the not-runnings, Christie could add some excitement to the race.
Pro: His name is so easy to remember.
Con: Is America ready for a fat Vice President?

Haley Barbour:
This guy came really close to running an embarrassingly unpopular campaign for the presidency, but showed intelligence and good decision-making when he opted not to.
Pro: Beloved for Republicans.
Con: Who?

Mitch Daniels:
Another one of those guys that didn't run for president.
Pro: Looks like a Vice President. By no means like a President. Just a Vice President. Specifically Hubert Humphrey.
Con: This guy definitely has some skeletons in his closet. Like killed-his-gay-lover skeletons or something.

John McCain:
Remember him?
Pro: Republicans and Independents love nostalgia.
Con: Guy is old as fuck.

Mike Huckabee:
The lovable loser of 2008 probably would have been nominated if he ran this year, but he complained about being too poor to run, perhaps in an attempt to connect more with voters.
Pro: He can rally conservatives because he had a TV show on Fox.
Con: He will turn conservatives off because he has been on The Colbert Report.

Sarah Palin:
This former governor and reality television star burst onto the scene in 2008 because of Hillary Clinton.
Pro: When she lost with McCain, it was because he was way older. If she ran with Romney, it might look like they are a couple, and Americans would think a couple running for President and Vice President is just too cute.
Con: Many conservatives might actually be looking forward to her next reality show, so they would vote against her so it comes sooner.

Rick Perry:
At one-time, he was the front-runner. Then he entered the race and really, really seemed like George Bush all the time.
Pro: He opposes all forms of gun control, and isn't afraid to wave a gun around on stage to prove it.
Con: Is America ready for a mentally retarded Vice President?

Paul Ryan:
He made a name for himself by making a bunch of charts and talking dirt about the President.
Pro: Democrats don't like him, so he will help get out the Republican vote.
Con: Nobody is going to vote for a brainiac. Nerd!

Bobby Jindal:
He is what the American melting pot is all about-- He is of Indian descent but sounds exactly like Jimmy Carter.
Pro: He is just dumb enough to connect with the average American voter.
Con: Most Republicans will instinctively confuse him with their local convenience store clerk.

Editorial: The Serum Magazine Will Never Again Write About Rick Santorum

2012-01-04T10:12:00.001-05:00

After an excitingly close Iowa Caucus yesterday, former Senator Rick Santorum has emerged as a potential top-tier candidate in the race for the Republican nomination. We at The Serum Magazine find this to be extremely offensive, and, for the sake of decency, will never again write about Rick Santorum.

Yes, we understand that he is just one successful showing in South Carolina away from being Mitt Romney's main (and possibly only) competition.And yes, we understand that conservatives in the party could flock to Santorum when forced to choose between the two. And yes, we understand that this means Rick Santorum actually has a chance (small, but still) of winning the nomination. And that this means that Rick Santorum actually has a chance (smaller, but still) of becoming the next President of the United States of America. But we flat-out refuse to mention his name or allude to him in anyway from now on (unless/until he quits the race).

Our readers expect a certain class of commentary from The Serum Magazine. Any mention of Rick Santorum, any quotation of Rick Santorum, or any outlining of Rick Santorum's policies will necessarily degrade this website, its message, its writers, and its readers. I think it's safe to assume that most readers of The Serum don't want to hear about him anyway. So I'll do you all a favor-- rather than insult him or point out his logical, moral, ethical, legal, and facial flaws, I will pretend he does not exist.

It's a defense mechanism, really. Santorum's face makes me sad and angry. I will probably kill myself if he gets elected. I don't want to kill myself, so I'll just have to prepare myself to live in a fantasy world where he simply does not exist.

Also, nothing he does matters because Mitt Romney is going to be the nominee.

Billy's Opinion: Third Party Candidates and The Most Convoluted Way To Re-Elect Barack Obama

2011-12-29T10:03:00.000-05:00

As avid glancers of The Serum Magazine know, I am a big fan of third- and non-party candidates. I feel there is nothing more American or democratic than letting anyone who thinks they should be President get their message out and giving the people a chance to hear more than just two very similar people's corporate-backed opinions.

Well, next year could lead to a lot of soul-searching for me and this love of third parties, as Donald Trump is said to be considering a run as an independent. He is certainly rich enough to be included in debates, too, which means that he could be the most successful third party candidate since (and, God forbid, might even eclipse) Ross Perot. It would indeed be tragic if I get to drink soda again because of Trump.
Thankfully, though, Trump will not be the only "prominent" (using that word quite liberally) politician seeking the Presidency from outside the Democratic and Republican parties. Gary Johnson, the little Republican candidate that couldn't, recently announced that he was finally leaving the party that never wanted him anyway to seeking the Libertarian Party nomination. (Considering how much of a banner four years it's been for Libertarians, I'll bet they are disappointed to see Ron Paul do well enough in the Republican primaries that they have to nominate Johnson.)

Sure, it's only two "important" (using that word quite liberally) people who have broken with their party, but I can only hope that this will inspire others to run if they feel their views are not adequately represented by Obama-Biden or Romney-Christie. Along with Johnson (Libertarian), Trump (Trumpitarian), next year's ballot could see Bachmann (Tea Party), Santorum (Hate Party), Jon Huntsman (Not All Mormons Are That Condescending Party), Anonymous (Occupy), and a bunch of Green, Rainbow, Green-Rainbow, Liberal, and Leftist candidates. (For a full outdated list of possible third party candidates compiled be me in March, click here.)

I, a man who has a "Let Nader Debate" sign hanging in my office, would obviously love for the influx of right-wing candidates leaving the Republican to give left-wing candidates a guilt-free excuse to leave the Democratic Party. My best-case scenario is for enough third party candidates to create a Constitutional crisis that ultimately makes Joe Biden the President.

If there are 5 candidates would can get traction, then it's very possible for none of them to reach 270 electoral college votes. This means that the House of Representatives would be forced to elect the President and the Senate would elect the Vice President. The Senate, with a Democratic majority, would re-elect Joe Biden, while the House, which votes by state, would face an impasse. The 14 Democratic-heavy states would vote Obama, 25 of the remaining states would vote for Romney, but 11 states (the deep South and Arizona) would break with the Republicans to vote for Trump, preventing any of them from getting to the necessary majority. Come January 20, 2013, Vice President-elect Biden becomes Acting President. (This is all in the Constitution, but mostly in foot-notes.)

That is unless the make-up of the House of Representatives is changed to give Republicans one more state to elect Romney, or Democrats drastically cut into Republican ranks to take the majority and re-elect Obama.

And that is the only conceivable way that Barack Obama gets re-elected. It's also the only way that Joe Biden becomes Mitt Romney's Vice President.

13 Possible Outcomes in Iowa Caucus

2011-12-20T09:39:00.001-05:00

We are just weeks away from the Iowa Caucuses and the official start of the delegate-selection season for the 2012 Presidential Election. The holiday season and turn of the year is a crucial time, especially given that the Iowa Caucuses will take place on January 3rd. Unfortunately, though, all but one candidate will fail to meet their New Year's Resolution of "Be Elected President."

While you could easily go to reputable news organizations and respected political analysts to get an idea of who the Iowa polls indicate will win, I've decided to take a different approach. The polls are changing too much too drastically every single day. So, inspired in part by ESPN's NFL Playoff Machine, I will be making a list of many possible first-through-fourth finishing order of the Iowa Caucus, and what each would mean to the race at large.

The "Polls Are Always Right"

1- Paul
2- Romney
3- Gingrich
4- Perry

This scenario, right now the most expected, will result in the media ignoring Ron Paul and declaring that second place was all Mitt Romney war really trying for anyway, and he will therefore win the nomination.

The "Republican Primary"

1- Mitt Romney
2- Newt Gingrich
3- Rick Perry
4- Ron Paul

This outcome, though not very likely, is named for the fact that this outcome is essentially the default. This will result in Romney, the default candidate, becoming the nominee.

The "Something Is Clearly Wrong"

1- Jon Huntsman
2- Gary Johnson
3- Sarah Palin
4- Herman Cain

In this zany scenario, Johnson and Huntsman sweep the country, going 1-2 every primary. Unfortunately, this creates a stalemate at the convention, during which Mitt Romney emerges as the nominee.

The "Democrats Mess Up Cross-Over Voting"

1- Romney
2- Obama
3- Hillary Clinton
4- Howard Dean

Always a possibility, the Democrats could somehow screw up cross-over caucus voting. Here, they do so by mistakenly selecting the strongest opponent for Obama to face and/or voting for Democrats. In the end, Mitt Romney becomes President.

The "Liberal Nightmare"

1- Santorum
2- Bachmann
3- Gingrich
4- Perry

I cringe to look at this possibility, as it would ultimately result in a historic Hate Ticket of Bachmann-Gingrich.

The "Write-In Debacle"

1- Matt Rommey
2- Ron Pall
3- Ron Pal
4- Rick Paul

After all printed ballots going missing on January 2nd, all voters are forced to write in their choice. This results in Ron Paul not registering a victory, despite 70% of voters miswriting his name. Mitt Romney eventually wins the nomination, and Iowan Republicans are shamed into taking literacy classes.

The "Iowa Surprise"

1- Bachmann
2- Paul
3- Romney
4- Gingrich

In this scenario, Michele Bachmann comes out of nowhere to win Iowa, then fades away quickly after all male candidates bind together in other primaries so Republicans can comfortably just vote for "A Man."

The "Polls From The Week of December 11"

1- Gingrich
2- Paul
3- Romney
4- Perry

For this scenario to take place, it would mean that Gingrich's team took those Men in Black memory erasers, set them to 3 weeks, and zapped all of Iowa. This is the only scenario that leads to Gingrich becoming the nominee.

The "In Order of How Much Like a President They Look"

1- Romney
2- Perry
3- Huntsman
4- Paul

This outcome comes after voters spend hours looking at pictures of all the candidates, followed by pictures of all past presidents, and determine who they think fits in the best. Romney clearly wins.

The "Everyone Actually Really Liked Tim Pawlenty"

1- Tim Pawlenty
2- (none)
3- (none)
4- (none)

In this scenario, all Iowans vote for Tim Pawlenty. The trend carries into every other primary, leading to a unanimous draft of Pawlenty at the convention. The Republican Party, triumphant in the fact that they have never more united in their history, then sees Pawlenty lose handedly to Obama in November.

The "Perry Wins?"

1- Perry
2- Romney
3- Paul
4- Gingrich

In this scenario, Rick Perry wins the Iowa Caucuses. Nobody is sure how. Mitt Romney goes on to be the nominee.

The "Santorum"

1- Santorum
2- Paul
3- Romney
4- Gingrich

In this disgusting scenario, Rick Santorum gains enough clout to be considered a top tier candidate. Everyone weeps. Romney is eventually forced to select Santorum as his running mate.

The "No Apologies"

1- Paul
2- Bachmann
3- Gingrich
4- Perry
5- Santorum
6- Huntsman
7- No preference
8- Romney

With a shocking and dismal .07%, Mitt Romney bows out of the race. Jon Huntsman immediately surges ahead and fights a drawn-out battle with Ron Paul. Ultimately, Huntsman selects Paul as his running mate.