The Slanch Report

Brooklyn Cyclones to Hold Hipster Night at the Ballpark

slanch@slanchreport.com (slanch) — Thu, 31 May 2012 19:17:53 +0000

Living in Brooklyn is fraught with danger: Hipsters lurk on nearly every corner. Now, in an effort apparently to gather these too-cool-for-schoolers all in one place, the Brooklyn Cyclones are hosting a special hipster night at the ballpark on July 5.

Termed Williamsburg Night— the home-base of the NYC hipster set—anyone with a beard will receive "special vouchers," there will be a skinny jeans run around the bases after the game, and Williamsburg musicians and artists will be there too.

And if baseball isn't really your bag (or you were totally into it in the 90s and have now moved on) there will also be a Skeeball tournament.

If THIS can't get hipsters to the ballpark nothing short of a Modest Mouse appearance will.

[Gothamist]

Rays Fan Loses His Pants Going For a Ball

slanch@slanchreport.com (slanch) — Thu, 31 May 2012 18:56:48 +0000

The fans in Tampa go so crazy for their hometown Rays (well, those that show up—"Yay! We're 29th in attendance!") that their clothes just spontaneously fall off! Or at least, for one man they did.

Going hot after a foul ball during Wednesday's game against the White Sox one particularly burly fan has his pants fall clean off. Ta-da?

You know what might be the scariest thing about this? What if the guy's pants fell down because he's recently lost a lot of weight and hasn't yet bought a new wardrobe? What if that giant man is the AFTER picture!?

Yikes!

Also, Tampa residents, you're all giant assholes. The Rays are one of the best and most exciting teams in baseball and NO ONE fucking shows up? You're pathetic, the lot of you.

[Sweater Punch]

Kordell Stewart Officially Retires (He Hasn't Played Since 2005)

slanch@slanchreport.com (slanch) — Thu, 31 May 2012 17:30:34 +0000

The original Wildcat QB, Kordell "Slash" Stewart hasn't played an NFL snap since the 2005 season, in 2008 he joined ESPN as an analyst but he never officially retired.

On Wednesday, at the Pittsburgh Steelers team offices, Stewart announced his retirement. Of course, if you haven't played in seven years that in and of itself announces your retirement...Um, Kordell, we all knew already.

The impetus for this move apparently came after Stewart's father passed away in March and Kordell decided he needed closure. While Stewart played briefly for the Chicago Bears and Baltimore Ravens, he said he remained a Steeler at heart, "This where it all started, this where all my success was," Stewart said, "This was the closure I wanted to have and needed to have with my career."

Finishing out his one-day contract with the Steelers, Stewart (finally) retires with a 46-29 record as a starter in Pittsburgh, along with a 2001 Pro Bowl appearance.

[Penn Live]

Is Ryan Vogelsong Hitting On Me?

slanch@slanchreport.com (slanch) — Wed, 30 May 2012 03:36:37 +0000

During the first inning of the Giants/D-Backs game on Tuesday, Ryan Vogelsong made a signal to the umpire that, if you didn't know any better, is downright suggestive.

Is he wooing a particular San Francisco male fan demographic? Perhaps he's trying to order a cheesesteak from the in-stadium vendors?

Hey sailor!

Alas, instead he's merely asking home plate umpire Cory Blaser for permission to blow on his hands to warm them.

Two-Sport Super Cute Aussie Star Told to Pick One, She Tells Team to Get Bent

slanch@slanchreport.com (slanch) — Tue, 29 May 2012 20:51:46 +0000

Ellyse Perry has a big problem (and it's not that the extremely attractive Australian isn't even FACEBOOK friends with me—although that IS a major issue), a two-sport star, Perry's soccer club, Canberra United, have issued an ultimatum to their 21-year-old star: Commit full-time to soccer and dump cricket or find a new team.

"Ellyse needs to choose whether she wants to be a full-time Canberra United [the reigning champions of the Aussie W-League] player and commit to training every day like everyone else does," said Canberra United chief Heather Reid. "Or if she still wants to try and mix her cricket commitment with football, then perhaps she will need to find another club."

Perry, the first Australian to ever appear in both Cricket and Soccer World Cup events, shortly afterwards commented that she supposed she'd have to find a new team.

"I've been very fortunate to be involved with Canberra United for the last three W-League seasons but there's some changes at the club and the coach, Jitka Klimkova, has some different ideas about how the team needs to be run," Perry said.

"I fully respect her philosophy, it's certainly her prerogative to change, but mixing my football and cricket commitments doesn't work so well in her framework. It seems I'll have to start looking for a new club."

"I still want to play both and hopefully I can play for a club that allows me to do that."

Good for her, after all, it's a bit hard to demand your players commit full-time to a sport that only pays you for part-time as the W-League does. Meanwhile Perry's cricket team continues to support her doing both sports and is even encouraging.

The most important takeaway from this story though: Ellyse Perry, hot 21-year-old cricket and soccer star, DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME!

Someone help in fixing that injustice immediately.

Get at me girl. (Full gallery of this lovely sheila after the jump)

[Sydney Morning Herald]

Gordon Ramsay Gets Slide Tackled and Taken Out in a Charity Game

slanch@slanchreport.com (slanch) — Tue, 29 May 2012 20:27:35 +0000

In a move that surely the many dismissed chefs from his reality show Hell's Kitchen cheered, celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay was taken out with a hard slide tackle during charity soccer by retired English soccer star Teddy Sherringham. The hard tackle resulted in Ramsay being removed from the game and he was taken to the hospital for treatment on his back.

Later after Ramsay was released from the hospital, a spokesman for the chef said that while he was in pain there wouldn't be any long-term damage.

Yay?

LA Kings Show Off Their "Spoils of War" From Their Defeated Foes

slanch@slanchreport.com (slanch) — Tue, 29 May 2012 20:12:54 +0000

Headed to the Stanley Cup finals for the first time since 1993 and only the second time in team history, the LA Kings look pretty unstoppable right now. If you aren't a fan yet of their play on the ice maybe this photo from the team's official Instagram account will entice you.

Pictured is the LA Kings team offices and hanging from the ceiling are the "spoils of war," the various giveaways that each of the teams that have fallen to the Kings have given out to their fans during the playoffs.

I love it! How can you NOT root for a team that does things like this?

Hockey is cool!

[LA Kings]

Cocaine Snorting Soccer Player Flees Cops, Gives Fake Name But Can't Spell It

slanch@slanchreport.com (slanch) — Tue, 29 May 2012 19:55:19 +0000

I don't have a particularly decorated rap sheet but that doesn't mean I don't know a thing or two about getting arrested. One thing I know is that if you're going to give a fake name there are several things you should prepare for in advance: 1) Know how to SPELL the fake name, 2) Don't be an recognizable person (such as an international soccer player), 3) Don't start spelling the name and then run away.

Alas, Scottish soccer star Garry O'Connor who plays for Hibernian never took my class on avoiding arrest.

On May 14 Scottish police came upon O'Connor in the back of a parked Range Rover allegedly snorting something that looked to be cocaine. When asked his name O'Connor said it was Johnston but when asked to spell it he got as far as "J...O...S..." before he did the only reasonable thing left, flee. However, after running only about 300 yards he was apprehended by the police—not exactly a great sign for someone who is supposed to be a goal scorer...

The police easily captured O'Connor who they found shaking and huffing and puffing—and with a bag of white powder in his pocket, which O'Connor insists the cops planted on him.

Now getting his day in court, O'Connor's attorney came up with a most clever line of reasoning; he didn't run away from an arrest because the police never actually initially detained him. O'Connor's lawyer, Liam O'Donnell, said his client's arrest was unlawful as police had not detained him before he ran away.

"He had every right to run away," O'Donnell said, "He was neither detained nor arrested under any of the available powers and as such he was entitled to run away. He was under no compulsion to stay with the officers."

"If he's arrested for something he's entitled to do then it was unlawful and cannot be admitted."

So basically, if you can run away from the cops before they actually do anything to you, anything that happens afterwards is inadmissable, even if you were running away from your crime. I love it!

[BBC]

Rugby's "The Beast" Shows Off His Strength

slanch@slanchreport.com (slanch) — Tue, 29 May 2012 19:27:26 +0000

I don't really have any idea on what the rules of rugby are; I know at some point you want to score in the end-zone and that you can kick the ball but otherwise? Fuck if I know. For instance, I didn't have any idea that at any point in a rugby match you can practice your pairs figure-skating moves but that's just what happened during a Super Rugby match between the Sharks and Stormers over the weekend.

Going after a free ball, Zimbabwe native Tendai "The Beast" Mtawarira lifts his teammate Anton Bresler with a clean jerk and aids in catching the rock.

That's a damn impressive showing of strength.

Cardinals Fan Hangs Dong, Streaks the Field

slanch@slanchreport.com (slanch) — Fri, 25 May 2012 19:27:32 +0000

Sportscasters love to call St. Louis Cardinals fans the best in sports; I suppose because they're so genteel and friendly and because they don't engage in the shenanigans that you see elsewhere. For instance, you'd never see some nut jump on the field at Busch Stadium and get tackled by security. They don't do THAT in the mid-west.

Well, until Thursday that is.

A well-liquored up fan (surprising at a stadium named for a BEER) ripped off his clothes and hopped onto the field, evading capture briefly, hanging dong completely, before security and police were able to corral him and wrestle him to the grass. Of course, if you were watching the game on TV, they show none of it. They'll talk about it, they'll reminisce about other times they've seen streakers, Bob Costas will sermonize about it, but will they show it? Never!

I agree with Joe Sports Fan, everyone just goes to Twitter (I did) and elsewhere and sees it and the TV broadcasts lose that traffic. And I also agree that people would be far more likely to be dissuaded by seeing the security forces just get viscious on the streaker than having the guys in the booth pretend they're on a moral high ground.

Anyhoo, here's some video (another after the jump), some images and one special NSFW one (after the jump) of man-junk flapping in the wind. God bless!

Mostly though I just appreciate that this guy went fully naked, it's not STREAKING if you're wearing a body suit or whatever.

[Joe Sports Fan]

Pretty in Mauve: Dwyane Wade

slanch@slanchreport.com (slanch) — Fri, 25 May 2012 19:21:35 +0000

I get that Dwyane Wade is one of the five best basketball players in the world, that he's insanely wealthy, that his girlfriend is one of the most attractive women in the world; all that is well and good. However!

None of that is any excuse for wearing MAUVE pants.

Come on man. I know you live in Miami but even still, this is too much.

How am I supposed to take you seriously? What do you think the people of Indianapolis thought when they saw Wade walking around in those?

(Also, I am kind of obsessed with the giant fat man on the left; if you're out there Facebook friend me, I want us to be BFF.)

Giancarlo Stanton Nearly Takes LoMo's Head Off

slanch@slanchreport.com (slanch) — Fri, 25 May 2012 18:57:03 +0000

Mike Giancarlo Stanton of the Florida Miami Marlins is an extremely powerful man, whether—and all this is just this week—he's crushing scoreboard-breaking grand slams, slamming absurdly long homers, or just throwing the ball, he does everything full-bore. On Thursday he fielded a hard-hit ground ball off the bat of the Giants' Buster Posey and came up throwing, hoping to hold the runner on third.

His throw did just that, but in the process he nearly killed his teammate Logan Morrison who was serving as the cut-off man. Fortunately LoMo has some Matrix-esque moves in him and he was able to (barely) get out of the way. Both men were able to chuckle about the near-maiming immediately afterwards.

Your browser does not support iframes.

[MLB]

Snoop Tebows on the Mound in Chicago

slanch@slanchreport.com (slanch) — Fri, 25 May 2012 18:45:28 +0000

Snoop Dogg is known as a voracious Chicago White Sox fan so it makes perfect sense to have him come throw the first pitch before Thursday's game.

Wait.

Snoop is from Long Beach. He's not a White Sox fan. What the hell is he doing throwing out their first pitch?

Well, whatever. He did it.

Fortunately for Twitter faux-comedians, his throw was not in the strike zone thus leading to about 15,000 people all making the same joke: "Snoop threw the first pitch and it was...high."

Great. He loves weed. Someone please come up with a new joke.

To top off his sportstacular day, Snoop then Tebowed on the mound. Way to hit the zeitgeist. If only he pulled a LOLcat out of his pocket the day would have been complete.

Irish Rugby Player Makes One Little Girl's Day Incredible

slanch@slanchreport.com (slanch) — Fri, 25 May 2012 18:36:07 +0000

Some days are harder than others; sometimes you need something to put a smile on your face. Even if (like me) you're devoid of emotion and dead inside, this photo of the Irish national Rugby team captain Brian O'Driscoll visiting a little girl in the hospital and bringing with him the Heineken Cup is sure to make everything better.

I don't know that I've ever been that happy about anything since the Red Sox won in 2004.

[Sports Grid]

The Redskins Are Really Bad at Golf

slanch@slanchreport.com (slanch) — Thu, 24 May 2012 20:14:22 +0000

Being a professional athlete in one sport doesn't mean you're good at another, for every Calvin Johnson slamming home runs there's a Trent Williams hitting golf balls. The Washington Redskins offensive lineman was participating in his teammate Brian Orakpo's charity golf tournament which is all well and good but methinks next time he hits the links he should take a lesson first. Williams' swings take him right off his feet (at about the 1:20 mark.)

Then again, it doesn't look his teammates have much skill on the links either, so he's in good company.

[DC Sports Bog via Sports Grid]