Let’s say this person had to get up and take a shower before you were even awake because they had to get to work.

Let’s say this person woke up and went into the bathroom and saw a bug in the tub that rivaled the bug mentioned here except it was actually worse because it had 4802 legs.

Let’s say your houseguest was running late and really needed to take a shower but couldn’t bring themselves to do it because this bug was crawling all over the tub being DISGUSTING so they just stood in the bathroom for like fifteen minutes in their pajamas silently screaming and possibly quietly crying because they didn’t want to wake you up and they didn’t know how to kill the bug because it was way too big to smush and also this person knows you are all about like, ahimsa and stuff and this is why they never kill bugs when they stay at your place NOT EVEN THAT HUGE SPIDER A FEW WEEKS AGO because you respect life and stuff even if they don’t. I mean, they do, your houseguest DOES RESPECT LIFE, but not usually in insect form and they do feel really badly about that pretty much always. But also, like, we’re talking about bugs. You know?

So this person turns the shower on in an effort to be brave, hoping the water will make the bug go away or hoping to at least try to co-shower with the bug which is just OH MY GOD NO except the water hurts the bug which BAFFLES YOUR HOUSEGUEST BECAUSE WHY ARE YOU IN THE TUB THEN, BUG!? IF YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF WATER PHOBIA? and the bug tries to run away from the water and your houseguest wants to help it because it doesn’t want to drown the bug but it doesn’t know what to do and it’s not sure if getting a broom will wake you up and also, then what is your houseguest going to do with a broom and a bug with 4802 legs?! Surely that bug will just get on that broom and crawl up your houseguest’s arm and then invade multiple cavities in her face and kill her and how guilty are you going to feel, you know?! SO GUILTY. TRUST ME.

So the bug finds refuge on the side of the tub and your houseguest decides to just shower…on the OTHER SIDE OF THE TUB but this proves difficult because she has to stand so she’s constantly staring at the bug making sure it doesn’t move and try to kill her while she shampoos her scalp and water and shampoo are getting in her eyes and UGH. So, your houseguest kind of takes a shower but it isn’t successful because she won’t let herself turn all the way around so she washes 3/4 of her body, eyeing the bug the entire time and then jumps out of the tub and realizes soon after that the bug isn’t moving because it is kind of dead and it turns out that even though bugs get involved with water, they probably shouldn’t, because it kills them and a feeling of horror washes (GET IT?) over your houseguest because she KILLED A BUG when she knows that you very much don’t like things killed.

And.

Well.

Your houseguest knows she should scoop up the dead bug and throw it away so you are not greeted with DEAD BUG CARCASS when you awaken except…

She is running late.

And the idea of picking up that bug without a dustpan or something makes her nauseated.

She does not know what to do.

So, MAYBE, because remember, this is purely a hypothetical situation and NOT A REAL ONE, your houseguest grabs a sharpie from your desk and a piece of paper and sticks a note to the bathroom mirror using a bright blue post-it and you wake up a few hours later to find a piece of paper stating:

BEWARE OF HUGEASS BUG IN THE TUB.
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

with no explanation at all except that you MAYBE look into the tub to find a hugeass dead bug and you wonder, probably full of curse words (though you are trying not to curse!) what kind of A**H**** leaves a huge disgusting dead bug in your tub for you to deal with and trust me, your houseguest feels so bad about this but she is scarred for life from waking up to all those creepy crawly legs and silently screaming because she cares about you not to wake you up to deal with it but admittedly, you did have to deal with it when you woke up anyway except now it was soggy and even grosser than usual.

So.

Let’s say this houseguest did this to you…

Even though it wasn’t malicious at all and she realizes she needs to confront her fear and disgust of creepy crawler demons…

I guess my question is…

If someone left you a hugeass dead bug to deal with first thing in the morning with a note taped to your mirror…

Um.

Would you still love this person?

These are some things I’ve been getting into lately IN THE FORM OF A LIST. Who is ready for this!? Get involved!

Stuff I’ve Been Doing Instead of Blogging Plus Also, Some Ideas I Have About Various Topics

1. Performing lots of musical improv. I perform with these crazies every other Tuesday and with these crazies every single Thursday. It is pretty much the best thing of my entire life, world without end, amen.

2. Bikram yoga. I took my first Bikram class when I was 19 and have practiced on and off ever since.

SIDE STORY ABOUT HOW IN DENIAL I AM ABOUT MY AGE: Over Christmas, my sister and I went to a new yoga studio that opened near my parents’ house. We had to fill out a questionnaire with questions like HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN PRACTICING YOGA? and DO YOU WEAR A PACEMAKER? For the first question, I answered “two years” and my sister stared at me and was all “HOW OLD DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!”

“Um…21? 22?”

Ha ha, I am so much freaking older than that adorable.

Apparently, I’ve been practicing some form of hot yoga for a very long time. But in January for some reason I still don’t understand, I re-dedicated myself to it and oh hallelujah, the obsession has returned and my upper back screams in agony every day because while the rest of me is pretty flexible, my upper back is made of…some kind of…metal, I think? Anyhow, it doesn’t like yoga at all until class is over and then it likes it A LOT. Which brings me to something very important…

3. I hate coconut water. Can we talk about this? I love coconut, you guys. Chocolate dipped macaroons? HOOK A SISTER UP. Coconut is fabulous on everything! On my oatmeal! On a salad with spinach and strawberries! Don’t question it! JUST EAT IT.

Except. Don’t drink it.

I was prepped and ready to love coconut water.

Until I took a sip and felt like I was drinking someone’s vomit.

TOO GRAPHIC? YOU TELL ME. THAT STUFF IS DISGUSTING.

And…

INEXPLICABLY?

I’ve been drinking it anyway.

!? WHY?

4. In an effort to become more of a person who can have ‘normal’ conversation with other humans, I watched Downton Abbey and the first season of Game of Thrones.

Downton Abbey…baffled me. Everyone raved and raved about it and then my boyfriend and I started watching it and kept laughing so incredibly hard because it’s SO! DRAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATIC! And ridiculous. So tell me, I’m supposed to be laughing at it, right? And not taking it seriously? Because that’s what happened.

I will not talk about Game of Thrones except to say that my boyfriend and I both spent at least 1/3 of every episode in the fetal position covering our eyes screaming GROSS! NO! I CAN’T! JUST! UGH! TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF! and the episode would end and we would look at each other all confused like, “Do you want to watch other episode of this because I do and I have no idea why…”

So we watched them all.

AGAIN.

WHY???

5. My roommate of six years moved out to live on his own in a beautiful one bedroom in Hell’s Kitchen and I am so happy for him and excited except when I come home at night and someone else is in his room and then I want to cry and cry. Change is hard, you guys.

6. There is no number six.

7. IT’S SPRING!!! I took this picture of my office building.

And I’m blogging again.

You’re welcome.

Me: Yes.

Him: Laura.

Me: NO.

*begins to wail*

*buries her head under a pillow*

Him: What happened?

Me: I WAS LISTENING TO LES MISERABLES ON MY iPOD.

Him: …

Me: It’s just so s-s-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. But then, TOUCHING.

*cries harder*

Him: I…hm.

Me: (looking up from pillow) DO NOT TELL ANYONE THIS HAPPENED.

A few minutes later…

Him: Do you want to order some dinner?

Me: *bursts into fresh tears* I WOULD LOVE TO. I LOVE DINNER SO MUCH.

Him: Woah, seriously, are you okay?

Me: I don’t know. I think I’m tired. Also, I just went to yoga so I’m feeling particularly vulnerable right now.

Him: Between that and the Les Miz comment, can I just say that you have never sounded so incredibly white.

Me: And insane. OH GOD I FEEL CRAZY.

Him: DON’T CRY.

Me: TOO LATE.

Ashley Judd Slaps Media In The Face For Speculation Over Her Puffy Appearance

Oh really?

Yeah!

How was it?

Good! I really liked the ceremony because it was half Hebrew and half English. So, I kinda got what was going on.

Oh…

Yeah. Once I went to one that was all in Hebrew and I don’t know that language at all so I was pretty confused.

…

DAT BAR MITZVAH WAS SO GOOD.

You told me.

I ate so much food. It was like a wedding. PHENOMENAL.

Oh really?

YEAH. I THINK I GAINED, LIKE, THREE, FOUR POUNDS.

Really?

YEAH. BUT I THINK I LOST THEM ALL.

Already? When was that bar mitzvah?

TWO DAYS AGO!

…

4:02 pm, Wednesday

Hey dad, it’s me.

LAWRA.

Hey. Do you have my eyelash curler at home? I left it behind last time I was there.

I HAVE IT RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME. LET ME GO MAIL IT.

What!? No, no! It’s not urgent.

I CAN GO TO THE POST OFFICE NOW. THEY CLOSE AT FIVE.

No, seriously! Just drop it in the mail if you get the chance this week? Otherwise I can get it next time I see you.

IT’S NO PROBLEM.

Alright, well whenever you get to it!

4:24 pm, Wednesday

E-mail

From Dad
To Laura At Work

LAURRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Just came back from the post office.
Your eye-lash curler is in the mail!

Love,
Dad

…

Hey dad, what’s going on?

NOT MUCH.

Yeah?

YUP. YOUR BRUTHA WAS GONNA TAKE ME OUT TO BREAKFAST BUT YOUR MUTHA MADE ME PANCAKES SO I’M PRETTY FULL.

So you didn’t go?

I JUST HAD PANCAKES…

Right.

SO NOW I’M GONNA SIT OUT BACK AND READ THE PAY-PA.

That’s a pretty good day.

RIGHT? YOUR MOM MADE ME PANCAKES.

…

 I get the sense that being retired is pretty much everything my dad has ever dreamed of.

And more.

Today I am 29 years old.

(On the 29th of March. AW YEAH.)

I got together with some friends at a bar last Saturday night to celebrate and I spent the whole evening with people I love dearly and I laughed so much and had so much fun and afterwards, my boyfriend took me to Artichoke Pizza and then serenaded me with an impromptu song he made up on his new ukulele.

(I think the song went something like “Youuuuuuuu are my girlfriiiiend. BIRTHDAY PARTY GIRLFRIEND. YOU! ARE! A! GIRL! THERE IS PIZZA ON THE COUCH, WHERE YOU ARE, MY GIRLFRIEND. YOU ARE MY GIRLFRIEEEEEEEEEND.”

Can someone please nominate him for a Grammy? A-thank you.)

What I’m saying is: life just gets better and better the older I become.

(My 22 year old self is all, SERENADE BY UKULELE PLUS PIZZA? Daaaaaaaaaaaamn girl.)

But also? I’ve been kind of sucked into this deep introspection on the entire decade of my twenties which is possibly insanely self-indulgent but JUST TRY TO STOP MY BRAIN FROM DOING THAT. YOU CAN’T.

So, life on the blog is kind of quiet these days.

I seem more aware than ever that I have an internet presence. Not like, I AM FAMOUS ON THE INTERNET. But just, this constant awareness that people in real life can Google me and within seconds find me here. (And click back through my archives and ohhhh how that makes me cringe…)

It’s interesting that I’ve known that all the time (since I started this thing, WHEN I WAS 14. OH MY GOD REMEMBER THAT? (NO ONE DOES.) (EXCEPT ANDREA.)) but it’s only recently that I’ve begun to care. That I sit down to write a post and I think no no this is awful and pointless and I walk away and that is how you go without blogging for weeks at a time.

I feel a bit sad about this, of course but…

It’s actually a great thing.

It means I’m living more.

Not that I wasn’t living when I was blogging every day but…

You get what I mean, kind of?

I’m just out.

Away from the computer screen.

It feels really good.

And nothing seems to take me away from  here for too long. There is always a pull to come back, in some capacity, somehow.

I’m so enjoying getting older and settling into the life I’ve created for myself.

I still feel heaps of uncertainty about exactly what to do with my life but instead of being frustrated by that as I’ve been over the past couple months, I’ve decided that I probably will never 100% know anything about my life plan and I will never be able to adequately prepare for all the curve balls so I should just accept the uncertainty and enjoy what’s right in front of me.

Right now:

I am in a beautiful relationship with a beautiful ukulele-playing man.
I am employed.
I dork out on stage in front of people on a weekly basis.
I have wonderful friends who came out to celebrate my birthday with me.
I have two healthy loving parents who are taking the train into the city tonight to take me to dinner.
I have three crazy siblings plus a sibling-in-law who are all totally insane in their own unique way.
I have full use of my insanely long Muppet limbs.
I can do 7 push ups, not on my knees.
I live in a neighborhood I love, in an apartment that feels like home.
I just drank a huge iced coffee and later I’m pretty sure I’ll be indulging in both pasta AND a cupcake or two.

IN OTHER WORDS…

29 IS SO AWESOME YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!

(This picture was taken two weeks ago so it is actually what 28.99 looks like, but that’s okay because 28.99 Laura is sandwiched between her favorite people. BOOM.)

May we all be so lucky?

“But there is a third kind of marriage. The third kind of marriage is not perfect, not even close. But a decision has been made, and two people have decided to love each other to the limit, and to sacrifice the most important thing of all—themselves. In these marriages, losing becomes a way of life, a competition to see who can listen to, care for, serve, forgive, and accept the other the most. The marriage becomes a competition to see who can change in ways that are most healing to the other, to see who can give of themselves in ways that most increase the dignity and strength of the other.  These marriages form people who can be small and humble and merciful and loving and peaceful.

And they are revolutionary, in the purest sense of the word.”

Dad is pretty much back to normal.

(In terms of his hips, that is. I can’t quite say my dad has ever been normal, if you know what I mean.)

My father was overwhelmed with the outpouring of support he received during his journey back to health and so he decided to throw a huge party this past weekend. It was basically a THANK GOD I AM STILL ALIVE party, with a huge emphasis on gratitude for the people who helped him. On Friday night, my parents rented out a hall on Long Island, got a completely insane amount of food and invited a gazillion people to party on. We ate and we danced and we celebrated life and all that it gives to us – the good, the bad, the friends and family who carry us through.

(Saturday was also my parents’ 34th wedding anniversary so they kept making out WHICH IS SO GROSS CUTE.)

My dad called me a few months back when they were party planning and said he kind of wanted to do a little magic show, to thank some specific people who helped him and make everyone laugh. He asked if I would participate and reminded me of something I hadn’t thought of in years.

When I was in sixth grade, I did a report on humor.

(ELEVEN YEAR OLD LAURA,

YOU ARE SO ADORABLE.

LOVE,
TWENTY-EIGHT YEAR OLD LAURA.)

As part of my project, I brought my dad in to class for a presentation.

(If you are new to this blog, you may not realize that my dad is a part-time clown/magician. Just let that sink in. I KNOW.)

My dad and I put on a skit for my class called Banana/Bandana which is comedy at its very very basic and very very best. A simple misheard word turns into hilarity (you hope). When dad asked if I wanted to perform an encore of our COMPLETELY HILARIOUS AWESOME 6th grade comedy routine for his party, I was all YES because my dad is the best in the world.

“REMEMBA,” my dad said to me over the phone a few days before the party. “I DO MOST OF DA WORK. YOU JUST GOTTA STAND BEHIND ME AND HAM IT UP.”

And so I did.

May I now present, Laura and her Dad, a phenomenal comedy duo, performing ‘Banana/Bandana’. This video is rated G except for the parts where my slip keeps showing and I am sorry about that and hope it will not offend. This video also contains the most incredible Brooklyn accent you may ever have the pleasure of hearing. You can thank me later.

Pretty sure I will treasure this video until the end of time. Huge thanks to my super studly boyfriend who used his iPhone to record this after I realized my video camera which I had DEFINITELY CHARGED BEFOREHAND was…DEFINITELY NOT CHARGED BEFOREHAND.

PRESENTING…

The incredibleness of me and my super healthy dad. (Can we talk about how skinny he is? Dude has lost almost 30 pounds.)

ENOUGH ABOUT HIM. LET’S WATCH HIM.
Enjoy!

Banana/Bandana from The Spectrum on Vimeo.

My cousin Tom lives in LA so most of our chatting is done over the phone while he’s in his car sitting in traffic.

My cousin Tom also has a temper because it runs in the family and also because he is a cliché of a redhead.

My cousin Tom has the most intense road rage I’ve ever seen, is what I’m saying.

What this means is basically that our conversation is often punctuated by Tom snapping at drivers I can’t see.

“Right, that’s what I told her so I–WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!!? Anyway, yes, that’s what I told her…”

It’s remarkable how easily Tom can flip the switch from screaming at someone to calmly entering back into our conversation.

While I have driven with Tom in LA on multiple occasions and can attest that most California drivers are, I’m sorry, terrible, I do not really have a proclivity toward road rage. I often just mutter a sarcastic OH GO RIGHT AHEAD and let it go. Most of the time I don’t even notice though because I am usually the bad driver other people are yelling at.

For example:

My Sister: Uh, you do realize you just changed lanes without signaling?
Me: I changed lanes?
My Sister: Um, you kind of just drifted over there.
Me: It wasn’t on purpose.
My Sister: How do you still have a license?

Scene.

Ahem.

Anyway. Tom is the person screaming at people like me.

All on the road are out to get him, to make him late, to crash into his car, to make him suffer. Tom is the innocent victim just gently cruising through life in his little car. The streets of Los Angeles? Full of people in cars who hate him, who can’t wait to make an illegal u-turn or run a red light or keep tapping the brakes just to keep him on his toes.

THE SPEED LIMIT IS 55 WHY ARE YOU GOING SO SLOW!? he demands to know in the middle of asking me how my weekend was.

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU MERGE, ASSHOLE! I’m sorry, no, I made it with rigatoni and it was just as good!

OH GREAT, TRAFFIC FOR NO REASON AT 2 PM OF COURSE WHY DOESN’T EVERYONE JUST DIE!!! Anyway, yeah it was a FANTASTIC brunch!

…

Trust me when I say that Tom is a super great nice person.

You would just never know it if your only interaction with him was in his car. Or if you happen to be on the phone with him while sitting at your desk in New York when he calls to catch up with you.

Tom and I were having a great conversation recently over the phone (about a fantastic play he saw the other day! and something hilarious that happened in my improv rehearsal!) when someone on the road severely pissed him off and Tom screamed one of the rudest ridiculous phrases I have yet to hear and came back to the conversation so absurdly calm that I couldn’t stop laughing for about five minutes.

Laura: See? Because you rhyme it with the second word, not the first.

Tom: Oh, so you’re rhyming it with WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND CRASH INTO MY F*CKING CAR YOU CRAZY WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!

*silence*

Tom: So wait, back to the rhyme.

Laura: …

Tom: Are you there?

Laura: Um, yes. Is everything okay?

Tom: Yeah, we’re talking about rhymes.

Laura: But we probably should be talking about how you just called some lady a whore.

Tom: She can’t drive.

Laura: Well.

Tom: She also can’t hear me. My windows are up.

Laura: Are they?

Tom: …

Tom: No.