1358122736 Musings Musings: 2013-01-13T22:18:56Z Copyright (c) 2009, Rachel Gertz ExpressionEngine tag:thestraymuse.dev,2009:05:19 Tongue Worms tag:thestraymuse.dev,2010:/1.18 2010-03-26T04:38:35Z 2012-01-26T02:00:36Z Rachel Gertz rachel@thestraymuse.com http://thestraymuse.com/ We Are The Warriors tag:thestraymuse.dev,2010:/1.17 2010-03-22T18:31:01Z 2012-01-26T02:01:02Z Rachel Gertz rachel@thestraymuse.com http://thestraymuse.com/ Anyone Out There? tag:thestraymuse.dev,2010:/1.8 2010-01-31T03:35:36Z 2012-01-26T01:53:37Z Rachel Gertz rachel@thestraymuse.com http://thestraymuse.com/ Maybe we could find out about aliens by shooting our bags of garbage into the universe. ETs are probably extremely environmentally friendly and intellectual (well they built the pyramids, didn't they?) so they would just get angry and shoot it right back. If burning bags of garbage shoot into our atmosphere, case closed. Aliens exist. And they are pissed right off.

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Voter Apathy tag:thestraymuse.dev,2010:/1.7 2010-01-08T00:48:12Z 2012-01-26T01:54:13Z Rachel Gertz rachel@thestraymuse.com http://thestraymuse.com/ Lots of people don't vote because

  • They can't
  • They don't know how
  • They think their vote makes no difference
  • The parties are all the same
  • They don't give a rat's ass.

How do we change this?

Stimulate self-respect in youth and a belief in one's abilities. Encourage accountability. This means staging the opposing political candidates in a gladiator war. Give them sexy metallic wrestling outfits, the headgear, and mind blowing titles like "Obama the Crusher". Of course runners would have to present their party platform, but while beating each other with padded mallets on precarious foam towers. People would fervently watch the debates. They would be glued to their television screens and would text their votes in by the millions. I can prove this because more people voted during 2006's American Idol (530 million) than in the 2008 election (131.3 million). So people love entertainment. Politics is a joke to most people anyway. Give them what they want. A talent show.

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I said it… tag:thestraymuse.dev,2009:/1.6 2009-05-19T03:41:55Z 2013-01-13T22:18:56Z Rachel Gertz rachel@thestraymuse.com http://thestraymuse.com/ Bifidus Regularis tag:thestraymuse.dev,2009:/1.5 2009-05-18T20:47:38Z 2012-01-25T21:44:39Z Rachel Gertz rachel@thestraymuse.com http://thestraymuse.com/ yellow arrows flying around someone’s abdomen and you start to worry that there is some sort of directional revolt, that suddenly arrows start to appear if you digest too much dairy. Recently these yogurts (the brands shall remain nameless) are boasting antibacterial properties that will ‘regulate body processes’ aka make your intestines push out the brown stuff regularly. Now people are prepared to spend $8.50 on a six pack of what is essentially sour milk showcasing its bacterial count. A woman doesn’t count nor boast about her vajayjay flora; no one cares. So why is it suddenly so important to market bacteria in a food we have been eating since we learned to leave milk in the sun, especially to women? Check out the auditions to prove it! Fruit on the bottom is good enough for me. ]]> The Stink Eyebrow tag:thestraymuse.dev,2009:/1.4 2009-03-12T06:41:26Z 2012-01-25T21:40:27Z Rachel Gertz rachel@thestraymuse.com http://thestraymuse.com/ eyebrows? If they are for keeping dirt and hair out of your eyes, I contest! I always get dirt in my eyes. When I was in Costa Rica I had them pinched shut along the dusty roads to Tamarindo and that dirt just slipped like a dirty whore. Little locals on motorbikes morphed into a blur of threatening colour as road and bike converged into swirls of dust. As for the cat hairs, well, let’s just say I can knit an angora with my eyelashes. I’ll get you a sweater by 3 o’clock this afternoon. Not a hair to be found in my longish uneven eyebrows (except my own), but my eyes tear up and I can’t see for most of the day because my eyebrows are slacking off. Believe me, our cat is capable of dropping a rug a day’s worth of fur. What a joke. Maybe if I let them grow a bit longer, we’re talkin’ George Burns style, they might stop the occasional bug or cashew from clobbering me in the eyeball. But, I have heard unsightly eyebrows can be grounds for divorce. Sorry @louderthan10, I am far too vain to go this route, and you’re a bit easy on the eyes, so forget it. Okay, so if there is a god, and he does have a sense of humour, perhaps he had a greater purpose for the eyebrow. I have no idea what it is, but I’m not God. God would also understand the human comedy of, say, the unibrow. Talk about the classic tragedy: you wake up one morning and realize you’re single and much to your chagrin, it’s likely because your two hairy windshield wipers are doing more freakish mating than you ever will. Someone should sign to Koko and ask her if she’s landed any hot silverbacks after picking the lice off her arches (and eating them).  I arch my supraloral line at this fact: we (ladies, this is for you) have rendered our eyebrows completely dysfunctional anyway by plucking, waxing, trimming, and arching them. It’s like an obsession. So even if the brows would have caught the stray bug or loose fleck of tinder while at Burning Man, these shapely supercilium curves (or plucked atrocities depending on who did it) can serve no purpose save a ‘come hither’ glance (likely directed at a naked man with neon body paint). At any rate, I am due for a shaping. The weekly trim is not enough to keep these grassy hilltops of mine at bay. I’ll let you know how it goes. I don’t really need any more odd eyebrow looks. ]]> The Harm of Tasting tag:thestraymuse.dev,2008:/1.3 2008-07-18T08:50:08Z 2012-01-25T21:40:09Z Rachel Gertz rachel@thestraymuse.com http://thestraymuse.com/ Baskin Robbins here. Take, for example, tomatoes. Origins point to Peru before the Spanish showed up. If people had tried to eat the leaves of these poison treats, they would soon be dead or wishing they were. So imagine that first brave soul touching his tongue to a ripe tomato, hoping to God that he didn’t croak like his older brother Manuel, all mottled and frothing at the mouth, with the leaves sticking between his teeth. Is this what we call taking one for the team? So how did people decide who got to be the food tester? Was it the bravest of the group? Or was it the spindly little elderly ladies that were forced to do this task? Was it a noble thing? Or was it a punishment for abomination? Well, if the strongest were ’sacrificed’, and the food was indeed poisonous, then a tribe would have lost its strongest member. However, if the weakest person was sacrificed, then did that person give up because he was weaker and couldn’t tolerate the poison? Makes you think, doesn’t it? I wonder if there were a lot of poison-related deaths in the Dark Ages. Maybe tomatoes are evil. At any rate, I still think it would have been an adventure being a food sampler. Think of how much money you could make (as long as you didn’t value your life). Or imagine a party, where new dishes were offered on silver dishes bedecked with jewels. If you didn’t like your guests you could just suggest some succulent blowfish, or perhaps a lawn mushroom and they wouldn’t gossip anymore about great aunt (or was it uncle) Patty. ]]> The Wrong Side tag:thestraymuse.dev,2008:/1.2 2008-07-17T06:33:53Z 2012-01-25T21:39:54Z Rachel Gertz rachel@thestraymuse.com http://thestraymuse.com/ driving left side of the road a hundred years ago, to driving on the right? Suddenly it seemed like a good idea to move steering wheels to the opposite sides of our cars. Poor cross-country travellers and truckers–it must be disorientating to be staring the micterating dogs and elderly women in the face as you try to make a right turn with a tub of highly flammable anhydrous ammonia or crunchy potato chips swaying dangerously behind you. Still there must be a reason for this odd change. I think it encourages the motor strip in our brains to work overtime which probably just makes us smarter. Or maybe it had something to do with the Fall of Rome. Either way, the game of chicken is lethal no matter which side of the road you crash on. ]]> What’s the measure? tag:thestraymuse.dev,2008:/1.1 2008-04-24T06:21:52Z 2012-01-25T21:30:53Z Rachel Gertz rachel@thestraymuse.com http://thestraymuse.com/ trees > whales versus microscopic bacteria. Is it a coincidence that most of the naturally occurring things we eat such as eggs, and fruit are sized precisely to fit into the palm of our hands? Imagine a world, where the majority of food was minuscule or perhaps too large to eat in one sitting.Where would that leave us? The Golden ratio (1.618…) asserts some power over the general ordering of plants and animals in the world. So there does appear to be a mathematical logic behind the whole thing. Still, humans seem so self-assured that the world was built to suit them and their needs. BTW: Is the blue whale the largest animal on earth today? And if so, why does it stop at like 90 or 100 feet? What kind of regulating force is causing animals to top out at 100 feet? Okay, aside from the size of our planet. Dragonflies used to be huge in the Palaeolithic era. ]]>