The Turner Report

6-29-2012 We're back!

2012-07-03T13:48:00.002-04:00

We're baaaaaaaaaaack! Yes, now that SCOTUS (formerly known as SCROTUS) has done the right thing, it's safe to come out. Or is it? 'Cause Queenie's back in town, spitting mad and snarking it up.

C'mon in and join the fun, loyal subjects....

So what the Efff, Queenie???

Hmmmpf!

Yeah, yeah Queenie knows. This capriciousness suiteth not thy subjects. Well, get used to it. Queenie's been with the killing squads in Honduras , she's been plotting with progressives, she's been hanging out with Nobel Laureates...... And all this reality has interfered with the royal digestive track. She's. so. damn. tired. of what we're NOT talking about.

So the TR will come out intermittently, and it may not hew to the topics presented by the political process and the news. Because, guess what? The news is missing the point oh so very often. And there are plenty of other people already sucked into that echo chamber. Stay tuned to this space for lots of stuff you're sure to disagree with - but, hey, rant and rave right back at me! *Air kiss*, lovies, now to the death match...

Situtation Normal All Effed Up

Yes, that's a smirk...

Yes, step one, Queenie admits powerlessness over both the eff word AND the tiniest piece of inside-the-Beltway rant... Because while we're busy applauding that cute little Judge Roberts, has anyone noticed how he actually did his job while also creating a hot mess for our buddy Barry in November? That's right you delightful Tea Party fun guys -- O wasn't actually Constitutional and he did actually impose a tax!

What's more, the federal government has to honor Medicaid/Medicare commitments even if the states refuse them! So big-swinging-dick Republican governors can refuse to be part of our new socialist state without actually creating problems for their citizens! And the fatted masses can continue to believe the right wing is the standard bearer of light and truth while ignoring the fact that it's corporate America feeding at the trough, not them. Oh he did thread the needle well, that adorable judge! Bless the cockles of his black little heart!

WAIT!!! Mea culpa mea mea culpa, Queenie is NOT TOEING PARTY LINE... and in an election year... Wait -- giant win, incredible victory for everyone, and Queenie is really, truly happy that folks can get healthcare. All true. But so is that other stuff.

Sad White Babies, Mean Feminist Mommies....

i want my mean feminist mommy!!!

Jessica Valenti, we worship at your throne. Thank you for the phrase that perfectly describes that sharp pointy stick The Atlantic Monthly poked in our feminist eyes this week. Baklashtastic also worthy of idolatry, as was colored unicorns and a host of other critiques of power, defenses of feminism, and

etc

. We all took the bait and dove in. Even Queenie couldn't resist explaining how our deadbeat husbands have benefited from feminism. Oh, wait, that's not QUITE what I sad...

So what was that death squads stuff...?

Queenie grows weary, so here's the ADHD re-cap of the past few weeks' epiphanies.

Honduras is beautiful but one grows weary of having three bodyguards at all times... It's the most dangerous country in the world, including Iraq and Afghanistan, with civilian homicide rates spiking in direct proportion to the rate of US drug war dollars pouring into the country. Don't worry, Queenie should have it all straightened out by Xmas.

And in another Reagan Era Deja Vu (or was that Bush fils?) while all the cool kids at Netroots Nation sat in the technical panels, Queenie joined the old hippies in the content sessions and was reminded that it may be too late for democracy - more laws have been passed to erode access to voting since O was elected than at any other time in history - the banks have permanently eaten our lunch - Muslims are living in an out-and-out police state with little or no first amendment rights - and many other things to make a thinking person's blood run cold. No worries, though, Queenie's on the case.

That's just the tip of the iceberg, mes enfants.... More to come. Please post rants and raves directly on the blog or e-mail me at suzanne@turnerstrategies.com.

Ciao ciao kittens!

Queenie

5-25-12: Sayonara from the Tiara

2012-05-28T23:47:00.003-04:00

Hey kiddies - the original Queenie here - mixing a martini and saying so sorry but the party's over and it's time to go home. The death of Donna Summer really did us in. Last dance and all. But seriously, we have become redundant! The news has become self-snarking! Really, you couldn't make this stuff up! So, please, chickens, tune into your favorite conspiracy blogs, laugh along to the cable nets, and bid Queenie adieu. That's right - along with you, my darlings. Go forth and spread snark and good sense while you re-tweet and Facebook and pin your darling infographics!

Btw, Queenie reserves the right to periodically send out an amusing rant.

Yours truly,

The Queen of Snark

5-18-12: We'll Never Stop the Snark

2012-05-18T15:08:00.002-04:00

The weather outside is so amazing. But don't worry, we'll be snarking long after the sun sets. Enjoy your weekend!

--The Turner Strategies Team

5-11-12: Barack Obama Said Something on Wednesday

2012-05-11T13:57:00.001-04:00

Talk about a week of diversi-tea. On Tuesday, Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann eagerly announced to the world that she was a proud citizen of Switzerland. (In American layman, Switzerland auto-corrects to socialism). The right-wing nuts smell blood. Sadly, Michele just renounced her Swiss ties. What a tragic turn of events.

We've always been open-minded here at Turner Central, Michele. Please stop by anytime!

The Week That Was

Guess who's conducting more social engineering experiments right here in the U.S.A.? President Obama sat down for one of those hated softball interviews with Robin Roberts to profess his love for same-sex marriage. Hooray for Joe Biden, no? But you know what? Not everyone is enamored with Barry's change of heart. Why, just last Tuesday, a good number of North Carolina voters told the gays to basically pack up and leave as second-class citizens. Shep says we've arrived at the 21st century. Not quite, sir. (But we gotta ask, Shep, if Roger handed you a pink slip for committing blasphemy in front of your viewers).

The Washington Post ran a piece on bullying and homophobia the morning after. What a coincidence! It appears former gay rights supporter Mitt Romney was involved in your typical high school hijinks. The campaign is desperately seeking (or bullying?) former classmates to prove what a classy and down-to-earth guy Romney was. For his part, Mittens does not recall those years of living in luxury, terrorizing gays and disabled teachers. Mitt has simply forgotten about the most informative years of his life, just like his tax returns. Taibbi: this might be the wrong year for you.

Another moderate has fallen. Six-term Indiana Senator Dick Lugar will not be returning to Capitol Hill come January. Richard Mourdock crushed Lugar by an overwhelming twenty-point margin. He's a Tea Partyer, alright; just as Mitt Romney is a severe conservative. But who cares about bipartisanship these days! And, finally, let's give a round of applause to Inmate No. 11593-051 at the Federal Correctional Institute in Texarkana, TX, for a respectable second-place finish in the Democratic presidential primary in West Virginia. Thanks for the laughs (and lax election laws!).

NARAL President Nancy Keenan is stepping down in January. She says it's time for a younger generation of pro-choice activists to take the helm of the movement. We await a similar announcement from Randall Terry.

Breaking news from the alternate universe: a Republican congressman is defending Planned Parenthood!!! Rep. Robert Dold (RINO-IL) held a press conference announcing his intention to introduce legislation that would protect federal funding designated for Planned Parenthood. Meanwhile, Rush Limbaugh is still smarting over the millions lost and now he's launched his own campaign. 54,000 'likes' and counting. Those patriots bring tears to our eyes. Now, let's return to our universe. Senate Republicans blocked a "manufactured crisis" (a rise in student loan rates) and are punting the issue to their House colleagues, who have offered to pay for increased rates by slashing the preventative health care fund. Don't those Republicans just give you the fuzzies? Were you also aware of an Iranian missile threat to the East Coast? We're guessing Boehner had to drudge this up because that whole bin Laden guy is off the table.

Mon dieu! French President Nicholas Sarkozy has been booted from the presidential palace by Francois Hollande. We hear the palace staff is rejoicing, for the ban on cheese and chocolate is coming to an end. Here, here! Oh, did we mention Mr. Hollande is a socialist? Socialist! What's next? A community organizer from Kenya?

Are You Not Entertained?

Iranian government tech people have never been at the cutting edge of communications, so its not exactly a surprise that Jar Jar Binks wound up at a missile test range. BTW, what is going on in the upper-right corner?

Some sad news: author and illustrator Maurice Sendak, who was known for "Where the Wild Things Are," passed away on Tuesday.

Apparently hoodies are not THE thing on Wall Street. Some analyst named Michael Pachter took Zuck's attire as a sign of immaturity, that the Facebook executive doesn't take investors seriously. For a company already worth billions, Mark Zuckerberg is certainly a terrible CEO.

Contrary to what the media claims, Rick Santorum is not the latest high-profile figure to endorse Mitt Romney. No, that honor goes to "Admiral General Aladeen." Aladeen is backing "Mitchell" for his wealth and treatment of pets. It's been a tough week for ol' Mittens.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Before we continue, we want to wish all of our moms a Happy Mother’s Day. Some of us are running around last minute, trying to think about something creative to buy or make for our moms. Fortunately, there are plenty of options at our fingertips for last-minute shoppers. Happy Mother’s Day!

So you have this amazing project that you’ve been dreaming up for years, and now you are on the cusp of launching a social media campaign. You have great ideas about this campaign. You are planning to utilize Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr as the three major platforms for this project. But you are missing one important piece of the puzzle: you haven’t thought about when the best times are to post. For example, it’s a good idea to limit posts to Facebook after 8 p.m. and before 8 a.m. during the week and on weekends. If you have a Tumblr, you had better be posting content on Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays. Best of luck on your launch!

Out on the Town

Do something special for mom this Mother's Day!

Here are some restaurant suggestions from a foodie mom.

Tomorrow, donate non-perishable food items to help Stamp Out Hunger.

DC 101 Chili Cook-Off features music and chili, of course.

The International Bazaar is hosted by the Islamic Center.

European Union embassies are open to visitors tomorrow.

There will be jazz, food, and more at BikeFest at Eastern Market.

Enjoy performances at Street Arts in the Park.

The Bethesda Fine Arts Festival is tomorrow and Sunday.

Eat local food and listen to live music at the Reston Spring Festival.

Enjoy Greek food, wine and music at the Taste of Greece.

Scorecard

Well, isn't that something? Joe Biden opens his mouth, Barack is a-okay with same-sex marriage, and Mitt Romney is facing a firestorm over bullying. We can only hope for a more interesting week.

Until next time,

5-4-12: Why is Ted Nugent Still Hanging Out with "Brain Dead" Liberals on CBS?

2012-05-04T14:35:00.000-04:00

There's a new book out that has the Obama people on the edge. Although there are no earth-shattering revelations, Barry's haters say the author paints a picture of a calculating and ambitious young man. And of course, we were absolutely surprised about the angle the Washington Times took on this one.

Haters gotta hate.

The Week That Was

Forward! The Obama 2012 campaign has finally chosen THE slogan that will mesmerize followers of the great community organizer. And you can bet the wing-nut critics have their own theories of why Messina & Co. chose that word. The Moonie Times dug up the dirt from the bowels of Wikipedia, of all places. It's not new news that NObama is a European Marxist. But from Kenya? Not a chance.

Sneaky reporters this week caught Mitt Romney (and Rudy) handing off some fresh pizza to an ever-loyal aide. Were the pies, in fact, a form of staff compensation? We will never know for sure. Speaking of loyal subjects: the Romney campaign is said to be seething at British Prime Minister David Cameron for lavishing praise on President Obama during the state visit last March. Mittens is hoping to kiss up to Mr. Cameron while attending the opening ceremony of the Olympics in London. (Romney confidants say the trip will boost his foreign policy credentials). Why is Mittens placing Great Britain ahead of America? Traitor.

Another week and another report of that Barack Obama wasting your tax dollars for political gain. Of course his predecessor cannot be accused of the same. Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan to sign a security agreement with Hamid Karzai. The trip was "clearly [...] campaign related," said closet climate change-backer Jim Inhofe. Gramps, meanwhile, emerged from the old-folks home to tell his former foe to stop bragging. Also, did Twitter almost blow Obama's cover?

Yesterday was World Press Freedom Day. It is a day to celebrate and increase awareness of freedom of the press and honor journalists who have lost their lives in their profession. Hillz reminds us of the sacrifices members of the press make while in search of the truth. While we're still talking about the press, we have some sad news to share: the American Prospect, a progressive political magazine, is close to shuttering, unless significant funds can be raised. The Prospect may continue forward as a strictly digital publication.

Occupy Wall Street took part in actions across the country, but a large number of self-identified anarchists ruined the May Day festivities. In San Francisco, Wells Fargo donated $25k to businesses affected by rioting. So much for demonizing the banks. And the FBI arrested 5 suspected anarchists who were plotting to blow up a bridge and financial institutions in Ohio. There's still plenty of crazy people back home.

Have you been following this Chinese activist story closely? Chinese officials say Chen Guancheng can apply to study abroad "like normal people." That's quite a compromise! Guancheng had been under house arrest before escaping briefly to the U.S. Embassy in Beijing. House Republicans (yes, they too have a link to this story) took a call from the man of the hour during a congressional hearing. Absolutely not a stunt, peeps. It's great to see compassion coming from these guys.

Are You Not Entertained?

So, fess up, Turner fans. Did any of you attend the White House Correspondents' Dinner? Let us know privately. *Wink, wink*. Obama brought down the house, getting in a few zings at Mittens, and likely gushing at the audience, knowing that he's knocked off some other most-wanted terrorist. But what's this? Allen West was also in attendance. He ripped the occasion while wining and dining with the best of the best. Allen West, never a friend of the media crowd. Ha!

Ted Nugent was back on the celebrity circuit to complain about how brain dead liberals caused him to threaten his president. CBS is the wrong outlet for you, Ted. Go ahead and fire your assistant. That would save a few brain cells.

Oh, that feeling of rejection. Hillary is a little occupied at the moment to make the leap to Hollywood, Mr. Segel. Just have the Muppets ready to go at a moment's notice. You never know.

The cast of the West Wing reunited for a walk and talk all the way back to the Oval Office. A funny PSA, huh? Unfortunately, it's also timely.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Now that you’ve learned how to master Facebook Timeline for your business, it’s time to make yourself more familiar with Facebook ads. Before you leap off a cliff, make sure that you have a clear understanding of the advertising options available and which of them is the best fit for your brand. You also have the option of utilizing traditional ads and sponsored stories, the latter of which utilizes “voice of friend.” Research has shown that people are more likely to click ads if a friend has “liked” a brand. This is just a sample of tips for Facebook advertising. Do you have more questions? Perhaps we at Turner Central can help you. Just ask us.

Pinterest goes Pinternational! The social media site is looking for translators, starting with French, German, Japanese, Portuguese and Spanish. Of course, Pinterest is already used by many overseas to share beautiful images. Translations will make the experience even better. Language lovers, sign up now!

Out on the Town

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Celebrate with food (of course) at Trucko de Mayo.

The "official" Cinco de Mayo Festival is on the National Mall.

Rusted Root, Rebecca Pigeon at the 9:30 club on Sunday.

See never-before-seen artifacts from the White House at the Renwick Gallery.

The Downtown Silver Spring Fine Art Festival is all-day Saturday and Sunday.

Sample some good southern cooking at the Chicken Fried Steak Showdown.

The National Harbor Wine and Food Festival is this weekend.

More than 40 embassies are opening their doors to tours tomorrow.

Eventide hosts an all you can eat barbeque for $30.

Jack Rose hosts Cinco de Derby.

Scorecard

Pizza. That just had to be the first scandal of the Mitt Romney campaign. His servants are doing a mighty fine job running a tight ship. Uh, except the Richard Grennell thing. Maybe Mittens should have kept him on board during this Chinese activist story, which will no doubt be in the news forever. Whoops.

See you all next week!

4-27-12: Communism, Socialism, and Walmart

2012-04-27T13:48:00.002-04:00

Good news, everyone! Despite protests from riders, the Washington Metropolitan Area Transportation Authority Board has given the green light (no pun intended) to fare increases. Updating the computer systems and installing new signs will take up to two months, so no rush. Thankfully, all of the escalators will be in operating condition by then!

Cheer up, commuters. You deserve a little snark every now and then.

The Week That Was

The Senate voted in favor of reauthorizing the Violence Against Women Act on Thursday. An astonishing number of Republicans joined Democrats to pass legislation that would ban discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity in programs funded by the Act; increase the number of visas issued to battered illegal immigrants; and add new protections for tribal Indian women. We have a theory, and it's just a theory, folks: House Republicans will stop this version of the bill cold.

Stingy check bouncer Newt Gingrich has thrown in the towel, folks. Before Tuesday's route by the Romney-bot, our favorite pro-child labor candidate had no chance the nomination, and now has announced the suspension of his campaign. Unfortunately, the celebration must wait until Tuesday. Sources say the Gingrichs will soon be off to a restful cruise in the Mediterranean, where the couple can spend time away from the common folk. Well deserved, sir!

Why is John Boehner panicking about November all of a sudden? The soon-to-be (former?) Speaker calculates that there's a one-in-three chance he'll have to give up the gavel. Boehner's troops are providing ample help in his quest towards ex-speakership. Allen West is on a roll as of late. Although the Congressman is not actively pursuing communists, there's still that nagging issue involving Muslim Brotherhood infiltration of the FBI. Meanwhile, one Missouri congressman likened federal student loans to "stage three cancer of socialism." We need to visit some of these districts. It would be like going on an expedition to Mars.

Congressional campaign follies will be our savior this campaign season as the Romney-bot lurches the country into a slumber. Joe the Plumber had some words for his Christian brother, Barack Obama. In a letter to the Christian Broadcasting Network (of course), "Sam" manages to describe our Dear Leader with these colorful words: communism, cocaine, marijuana, Islam and Muslim. Gee golly, isn't this what the doctor ordered? The Yahoo! reporter gave us the laughs because apparently Sam "wrote" the letter. Also, this late breaking news: Michigan Rep. John Dingell has finally learned the significance of teabagging.

In other news, Walmart, the embodiment of American capitalism and ethical standards, found itself in a real pickle this week. It seems a few top executives at Walmart de Mexico couldn't resist paying off a few local bureaucrats in order to dominate retail business within our southern neighbor. There's nothing wrong with this, though. Walmart was just letting the market do it's thing, with a little sweetener on the side, of course. No wonder the immigration trend has reversed.

Are You Not Entertained

Cool is the new celebrity. No one can forget that infamous campaign ad from the 2008 Gramps campaign. And now, Dubya's turd blossom brain has launched a sequel! Slow jamming the news is so Hollywood.

Fox "News" Infotainment entertainer Monica Crowley was informed that Sandra Fluke became engaged to her boyfriend, so she sent out a funny tweet, insinuating that Sandra is a lesbian. Monica is flabbergasted! She says the Left lacks a sense of humor. For reasons unknown to us, Monica does not read the Turner Report.

Something else about the Fox News fiends crossed our desks this morning: Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan will be the cable channel's guests at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Wait, this is very confusing to us family values people. Then again, if you scroll down halfway on Foxnews.com, you will see that they are serious about this stuff.

People watching free broadcasting have become their own niche audience. Networks are now more than ever pushing advertising dollars toward online streaming sites such as Hulu and Netflix. For some consumers, even cable service is out the window. Change is a comin', y'all.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Do you know your Klout Score? Do you even know what Klout is? In the social media world, your online influence matters. It matters even to just get a job interview. We know it probably sounds weird to some people, but it's true. So, don't waste your time -- start branding yourself to build your online identity. And always make sure that you don't post something that could cost you in the future. You do remember Anthony Weiner, right?

It was definitely worth the wait for the launch of the new iPad app for LinkedIn. The fully redesigned app for tablets looks awesome! It is simple, clean and three options: updates, profile and inbox. We at Turner Central have already downloaded the new app and started using it. What are you waiting for?

Out on the Town

We don't know about you, we're so over the wet weather. Anywho, have fun this weekend, rain or shine.

PetalFest is the closing party of the National Cherry Blossom Festival.

Bike AND eat (do they really go together?) through Northwest DC.

Everyone is attending the Sweetlife Festival, including you.

Maryland Day is here for Marylanders...and outsiders.

Enjoy everything French at the Georgetown French Market today and Saturday.

Former SNL'er Tim Meadows performs some stand-up comedy at the Arlington Cinema 'N' Drafthouse.

The Redskins Draft Day Party is this Saturday.

Listen to music and maybe go canoeing at the Anacostia River and Jazz Festival.

Bill Cosby performs at the JFK Center tomorrow.

Forward Festival: Flow is this Sunday.

Scorecard

The general election season has arrived. And, oh my, what a bore it already is. Barry is set to kick things off on May 5, and Bubba has cut a new ad just in time. Your turn, Mittens. Oh, heck, just give us a tranquilizer.

Happy Friday! See you next week.

4-20-12: You're on the Wrong Side of History, Grand Old Party

2012-04-20T15:33:00.001-04:00

Were you lucky enough to witness Discovery's final voyage, (or, according to some Twitter historians, Challenger)? It looks like a few of us need to retake high school US history. Anyways, depending on your view of NASA or the shuttle program and its demise, Discovery was either making a final salute to our nation's capital, or receiving the middle finger from Washington 'reformers.' Guess we'll be stuck on this planet for a little while longer, folks.

We're boldly going...to the stone age (in Mississippi).

The Week That Was

April 17th was National Equal Pay Day, the day which represents when women must work through to equal the pay of men from all of last year. A new report by the National Women's Law Center finds that while men were hit particularly hard at the beginning of the Great Recession, women were largely left behind in the first two and a half years of the recovery. Advocates say cutting public services will only make the situation worse. But what is this that the Politico is reporting? "Republicans to slash food stamps." Well that's one way to show compassion, we guess?

Get ready for President Mitt Romney! Rick Santorum has surrendered to mediocrity, and besides the Cookie Monster, there's nothing between Romney and Tampa. Then of course, there's that Barack Obama, who will not relinquish the castle for anything less than $800 million -- easy pickings for someone selling inauguration access nine months out! Come down to Earth now, Mitt. When the Romneys arrive in Washington on a cold January morning, Seamus will no doubt be enjoying the high life strapped atop an armored SUV. Meanwhile, conservatives are grasping at straws again -- this time because young Barry Soetoro was "introduced to dog meat" in a foreign land. Happy Birthday, Ann!

The last couple of weeks have been rough for the federal workforce. Congress and those Americans who dare pay attention to the news are mad as hell, thanks to the fine, hard-working ethics of a cadre of General Services Administration employees. We've now learned that the Las Vegas "scouting" trips weren't the only high-level, stress-inducing cross-country junkets. Take notice, peeps: pleading the Fifth is THE thing to do nowadays. We feel sorry for the GSA staffers involved in this total misunderstanding! Lucky for them, the Romney campaign is staffing up for the general election, and we hear that there will be plenty of opportunities for luxury hotel squatting. Spirit Airlines is also taking applications.

Obama was in Colombia this past weekend for the Summit of Americas. The news media did a phenomenal job covering the President's work to secure new trade agreements. Oh, wait. No, they didn't. A number of Secret Service officers and military personnel were involved in 'procuring services' from prostitutes prior to the arrival of Obama and his delegation. Thanks for undermining the boss.

India tested a nuclear-capable missile with a range of more than 3,000 miles. Shocking, yes? But we don't blame you if you didn't hear about this. Long-range weapons or a prostitute scandal? Be honest, if you were the mainstream media, which story would you choose? India, Pakistan and China, all nuclear capable. That's a story worthy of coverage. That is if there's someone still around for the scoop.

Are You Not Entertained?

America's Oldest Teenager, Dick Clark, passed away at the age of 82. His "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve" specials were a particular fixture on ABC. 2012 without a New Year's Eve? Coincidence?

The Boston Bruins' Tim Thomas, who infamously spurned an invitation to meet his communist leader, could not escape some harmless trolling by Capitals' fans. Try that again, Tim, and you may wind up seeing Barry in person.

Rich Ross is out as chairman of Walt Disney's film studios. His resignation comes in the aftermath of John Carter. The film cost a fortune to produce but bombed upon release. Disney estimates a loss of between $80 to $120 million on the film. Not even a pair of magic mouse mittens could save him this time.

Ted Nugent, who is probably the most ignorant teabagger in the music world, had a sit-down with a couple of Secret Service agents after threatening violence against Democrats, including Obama. Sorry liberals, he just got a slap on the wrist.

Hey, Glendale, Ca., Kim Kardashian fans! Now is your chance to endorse the reality star in her dream of becoming mayor of your quaint town. Apparently the news was so relevant that Bill O had to chime in.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Brand managers will be delighted to here about Facebook's new Action Measurements dashboard, which is scheduled to be released later this month or in early May. Users will be able to closely track their ROI for their advertising efforts. Facebook is not alone in rolling out products that measure online advertising activity. Google is in the process of pushing out Brand Activate. Among the many tools available, Brand Activate allows you to measure "viewed impressions" (similar to viewing ads on the television screen but online) and allows users to make real-time adjustments to their campaigns.

Are you still crazy for Pinterest but can't pull yourself away from Facebook? Enter Pinview, a new app launched this week that allows you to modify your Facebook news feed into a grid format. So go forth and pin away! Or is it 'like'?

Out on the Town

Hey, it's 4/20. What's so special about today? Oh, ha ha! Don't worry -- we won't tell anyone if you don't.

39 countries represented in 75 films -- all part of Filmfest DC

Cherry Blast: Art and Music Dance Party is this Saturday/Sunday.

The Water Street Project grand opening is tonight!

Watch the sailboats at the Cherry Blossom Regatta.

Local and regional jazz performances at the Jefferson Memorial this Sunday.

Enjoy tropical music from Empresarios and Alma Tropicalia.

Unlimited oysters for all during Oyster Fest in Dupont and Old Town.

Welcome Discovery to Chantilly on Family Weekend.

Journalist and author Ben Anderson discusses Afghanistan at Politics & Prose.

Spend Earth Day listening to music on the National Mall

Scorecard

Republicans sure enjoy painting themselves in the corner, don't they? The Violence Against Women Act is set to expire later this year, an election year, no less. So why not show some compassion and progress? We think Chuck's explanation sums up the Grand Old Party's position: "[VAWA] is a solution in search of a problem."

November seems so far away.

4-13-2012: The Turner Team is taking a Break!

2012-04-13T14:36:00.003-04:00

The Turner Strategies Team

4-6-12: Seamus, We're Halfway Home!

2012-04-06T13:51:00.001-04:00

Recently, New York Times reporter Kevin Roose became bored one day, called a few of his billionaire friends and became a billionaire for a day. The private jet, the car, the food -- he had it all, if only for a short time. Years from now, when we're all waist-high in worthless American currency, we'll look back at 2012 as the year when we could all join the most exclusive of golf clubs. (Uh, unless you're a woman). How far we've come!

Moving along...

The Week That Was

A jubilant Mitt Romney has finally racked up enough delegates to cross the halfway mark. It seems the GOP base is still not enamored by the flip-flopping liberal elitist from Massachusetts! DC Republicans (all three of them) held their noses in the voting booth and delivered for our Mittens. Maryland and Wisconsin also handed big wins to Romney. There are now rumors on the internets about staff disillusion in the Santorum campaign. Is anyone hiring?

Back to the Supreme Court health care fight -- it's getting feisty between the executive and judicial branches, and that's a concern. First, Barry made a snarky remark lamenting judicial activism. Boy, we haven't heard that one before! The Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals demanded to know if the Obama Administration believes that a federal court has the authority to strike down federal law. AG Eric Holder delivered a prompt response just hours before the deadline. He's playing with you, folks! The Righties, though, are convinced the Usurper had forgotten about Marbury v. Madison. In their dreams!

While we're on the subject of cry-babies: Obama called the Paul Ryan budget proposal a Trojan horse filled with radical policies. (We happen to disagree, as there's nothing radical nor slimy about a GOP budget plan that hurts women and the poor). Ryan, for his part, joined Speaker Boehner and accused the President of pushing forward with a "failed agenda." Reporters later caught the duo hashing out an earmark deal with Tea Party members. Traitors.

Police arrested Francis Grady in connection with a bombing of a Planned Parenthood clinic in Wisconsin. While authorities haven't determined a motive for the attack, they know Grady has a history of run-ins with the law. The clinic reopened the day after the bombing. In related news, Mississippi's governor says he will sign into law HB 1390, which requires all physicians performing abortions to have admitting privileges with a local hospital. Only one doctor in the state's sole abortion clinic has such privileges. The clinic's owner, Diane Derzis, says this is the case because of threats and the fact that local hospitals rarely give admitting privileges to out-of-state physicians. So much for Southern hospitality.

What are we to make of the JOBS Act, the latest economic legislation to receive Obama's signature? Labor is mad as hell because they argue that loosening regulations will prove disastrous to working people while rewarding the speculators on Wall Street. Obama and the bill's supporters say the new crowd-sourcing provisions will boost small business growth, particularly among start-ups. The law will also remove "antiquated investing laws" that some claim are backbreaking to business. Now that it's a done deal, keep your fingers crossed that the law won't help the Goldman Sachs of the world.

Are You Not Entertained?

Sister Sarah took a break from her reality show career to join the cast of the Today Show. The former governor shared her insights on the 2012 campaign, pleading with the eventual nominee to "go rogue" when selecting a VP candidate. Palin handily defeated her lamestream arch-nemisis, Katie Couric. How have her adoring fans reacted to her appearance on communist television? Click here if you must know.

Geek-gasm alert! A few weeks ago, Nichelle "Uhura" Nichols paid a visit to Mr. Spock himself in the Oval Office. Live long and prosper, to both of you.

The Moonie Times has a scandalous exclusive! At an Associated Press luncheon, the news organization's board chairman serenaded President Obama with an "icky love song." That description, from an objective Washington Times reporter, should be taken at face value.

Bam! Keith Olbermann was shown the door at Current TV late last week. Al Gore and other executives had had it with the former MSNBC host and fired him a year into a five-year and $50 million contract. Now Keith is suing. Please let us know when the next teevee executive hires you, Keith. That will be the day.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Pinterest has made a name for itself among the social media giants. It’s become an amazing tool for business and consumers and continues to drive a serious amount of traffic. Now, there’s Pinerly, a new analytics tool that can tell you how well your Pinterest campaign is performing. More than 35,000 users have already signed up and it’s only been available to the general public for a week! So what are you waiting for? Head on over to Pinerly and create an account. You can also submit your ideas and comments to the company. They do listen to suggestions and feedback. Trust us!

Beliebers around the world had the chance to listen to the new single by engaging Justin on Twitter. Our Biebs is using social media effectively, once again. We’re giving him a (digital) high-five and letting him know about an upcoming Turner Central hit. (Stay tuned peeps -- we will soon be releasing our own single). Okay, back to Justin. What is his secret to his social media success? Besides regular updates related to his music and performances, Bieber often tweets photos and other tidbits about his life. This allows Bieber to present himself as an authentic, regular person, just like his fans. Biebs: Turner Central is cheering for you. (Okay, uh, not all of us are).

Shameless Self-Promotion

Our apologies for not posting this last week! Former Turner staffer Theresa Farrage recently appeared on The Morning Blend (Omaha) to discuss a fashion show that benefited urban community building and reconciliation programs. Way to go, Theresa!

Out on the Town

Some of you have already jetted out of town for the weekend. For those staying behind, here are a few suggestions:

International Pillow Fight Day has returned to the Mall and Dupont Circle.

Take in the fireworks show at the Southwest Waterfront.

Or, enjoy the fireworks on a dinner cruise on the Potomac.

French wine tasting tomorrow at Weygandt.

JP McDermott and Western Bop performs at Hill Country.

The Capital City Showcase features musicians, comedians, and other storytellers.

The Saturday Social Mixer, a day party and concert, hosts Secret Society.

Unwind this Saturday with a special Cherry Blossom yoga class.

Former NAACP Chairman Julian Bond will deliver a special presentation on race, war and immigration.

Survivors of the Rwandan Genocide will lead a remembrance event on the Mall on Sunday.

Scorecard

Is Rick Santorum's pow-wow with conservatives a sign that he'll drop out before the primary in his beloved Pennsylvania? Sadly for Rick, Mittens has already turned the page and crowned himself the nomination. Seamus is no doubt rolling in his grave.

See you next week!

3-30-12: Real Americans Own a Car Elevator

2012-03-30T14:36:00.002-04:00

Matt Doheny, a GOP congressional candidate running in New York's 21st District was caught (or, should we say, put himself) into a bad position while he was out and about in Washington. Doheny, as you may recall, ran unsuccessfully in 2009 and 2010 against Bill Owens, and back then, had to explain his past BWI offenses. Good luck to you sir, and thank you for keeping the 21st blue.

Cheers!

The Week That Was

Yes, folks, we too are exhausted from the media's coverage of Jeffrey Toobin's coverage of the Supreme Court health care battle. Was the Obama defense a train-wreck or a plane-wreck? We are not certain about the answer. Please enlighten us, Mr. Toobin! The pundits were paying close attention to Justice Anthony Kennedy, who is considered the swing vote. Democrats, on the other hand, are seething at Antonin Scalia for a being the court jokester. How bad does it look for the Obama White House? Ask the broccoli. Did we forget to mention that Jeffrey Toobin thinks the law will be struck down?

Now, we take you to the Court steps, where the Teabaggers, after months of introspection, have emerged from the psychiatric ward. We don't have concrete evidence, but we're pretty sure some of them held recently-cut checks stamped by Koch Industries. Anyhoo, we witnessed the typical congressional loonies blabbing about socialism, redneck mandates and whatever else appeases our four-digit friends. And then, in the blink of an eye, they returned home to vote for that socialist Mitt Romney.

Mittens is finally getting the hang of the stand-up comedy routine. This week, the Massachusetts liberal made a funny about how daddy shut down a factory in Michigan and moved production to neighboring Wisconsin. George Romney then ran for governor in Michigan. He won that race, of course. (They forgave him?). Ha ha, people losing jobs = funny! Also, Politico "received" documents from a rival campaign that laid out Romney's plan for a fancy California beach house plus 4-car garage. The cars will have their own lift.

House Republicans voted overwhelmingly in favor of the Paul Ryan Path to Prosperity "Except for Poors" budget proposal. Ryan says if his bill isn't made into law, we'll run the risk of "shutting down the American Dream." Ha ha, we gave that up a longgg time ago. Food stamps, federal worker retirement benefits and health care programs are said to be in the cross-hairs of our family-friendly representatives who just fled for spring recess. If you plan on getting sick, do it before they return!

DSK released on bail. What? The former head of the International Monetary Fund was charged with involvement in a prostitution ring in France. The lawyers say Strauss-Kahn had NO IDEA he was in the company of prostitutes in Washington and Paris. You may remember that DSK was accused of sexual assault by a New York housekeeper. That case was dropped, but Straussy admitted that his encounter with the housekeeper was "an error" and a "moral failure." Money: it can get you anywhere these days (unless you're Jon Corzine).

Are You Not Entertained?

Herman Cain is still trying to make connections, but to whom, we haven't a clue. This latest cinematic creation from our resident pizza mogul is about "federal debt, crazy deficits, wasteful government spending, and more!" Oh, and Herman hates stimulus, too.

Is wittle Biebs in twouble again? As you know, millions of Bieber fans follow the singer on Twitter, which makes playing a prank all the more tempting. His little game of "guess my number" has the victims lining up lawyers. But Biebs isn't the only one getting in trouble on Twitter this week.

Greg Smith, who wrote a scathing op-ed burning Goldman Sachs, has a book deal! He is said to have signed a $1.5 million deal for a memoir detailing his days at the financial giant. To our money whiz readers: how long would it have taken Greg, if he had remained at Goldman "working in the best interest of his clients," to net $1.5 million?

Charlie Sheen is promising "awesome success" for his new show, Anger Management. Did this guy attend anger management classes after his Two and a Half Men dismissal last year? Yeah...no fuzzies from us, Charlie.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Today is our un-official Facebook Day at Turner Central! Just a reminder: Facebook will be switching all brand pages to Timeline today. We hope that you’ve already picked out that snazzy image you’ll be using for your cover photo. Facebook decided to transition to the new layout in the middle of the cherry blossom season, when you want to leave work early and enjoy the weather. Seriously, Zuckerberg? Change is coming, whether you're ready or not.

One of the latest features that Facebook has rolled out is interest lists. Interest lists will help you weed through your news and pick information most interesting to you. Lists can be public, private or available just to your friends. If you are familiar with Twitter lists, you are basically set to go with Facebook interest lists. So, start list building - and don’t forget to make them available to us as well!

So how are our 2012 presidential candidates faring with the new Facebook changes and how can they improve their pages to improve their brand? Not surprisingly, Barack Obama is winning the race with 25.8 million fans and counting. The Obama campaign was one of the first to switch over to Timeline. The Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney has a loyal following of just over 1.5 million people, but his engagement strategy requires a little more work from his supporters. (Laziness will not be tolerated). One Turner colleague offers this helpful hint for Facebook Mitt: be more authentic. Haha.

Out on the Town

You may not have money to throw around like our Mittens, but that doesn't mean that you can't have fun this weekend.

Come to Hanami After Dark and enjoy sushi, sake, wine, and music.

SBTRKT is at the 9:30 Club tonight.

Cafe Asia in Rosslyn hosts the second annual Hunger Is No Joke fundraiser.

Bruce Springsteen performs at the Verizon Center on Sunday.

Former LA Times reporter Josh Meyer discusses the hunt for KSM at Politics and Prose.

Caverns, Bad Liquor Pond and the Snowy Owls celebrate at Comet Ping Pong.

Take part in the annual Cherry Blossom Freedom Walk.

Or, if you prefer a faster pace, run the 10-miler.

Buy fresh at Alexandria's farmers' markets.

Take the children to the Faberge Egg Festival.

Scorecard

What's the matter? Do you not own four Cadillacs and mansions in both New Hampshire and California? Why don't you Believe in America? Do not bother us with your troubles!

Until next week,