The Unbearable Bearableness

New chapter

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2011-12-07T07:06:55-08:00

Please wait a few seconds to be re-directed to my new lair.

nothing is bigger than the little things

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2011-11-30T22:50:41-08:00

Why I’ve been given this amazing job- that just so happens to be located in the same small town where my psychotic stalker lives with the sicko who abused me… I wonder why I am reminded of this daily, by pure proximity and by the stories that circulate in these parts.

love story

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2011-11-05T22:26:25-07:00

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like emptiness in harmony

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-10-10T19:05:38-07:00

(I’m like the cat who will go after the one person who doesn’t like cats, in a room full of people seeking my attention...

so much of nothing

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-10-01T21:32:54-07:00

I’ve never been very good at the middle ground. which can get me into trouble... because I dig in, it’s easy for me to dig in.

there you stood, on the edge of your feather

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-09-29T10:49:38-07:00

I can’t shake it. its sticking to me. and I’m getting that feeling again, like I’m wrapped up in saran wrap.

the proper object of loyalty

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-09-28T11:35:08-07:00

Their study indicates that variation in the mu-opioid receptor gene (OPRM1), often associated with physical pain, is related to how much social pain a person feels in response to social rejectionThe findings give weight to the common notion that rejection "hurts" by showing that a gene regulating the body's most potent painkillers — mu-opioids — is involved in socially painful experiences too, said study co-author Naomi Eisenberger, UCLA assistant professor of psychology and director of UCLA's Social and Affective Neuroscience Laboratory.

We live only to discover beauty. All else is a form of waiting

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-09-20T18:43:10-07:00

If I Had A Heart from Fever Ray on Vimeo.

there is no title for this

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-30T21:43:01-08:00

the tubes were put in. her arms, legs, neck, nose... and she looked over at a mirror above the sink, in the room, beside the bed and she said: “I look fat”.

actions are based on feelings that stem from perceptions which depend on how fucked up we are

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-27T07:29:23-08:00

not being willing to admit a woman who is 5’10 and 85lbs into the hospital. it’s crazy to say that she has to prove that she wants to be in the hospital first. she has to prove that she wants to get better... that’s crazy. it’s crazy to ask someone who can’t even make the basic decision to eat, or to drink water- to make sane decisions for herself. asking an insane person to make a sane decision- that’s crazy. that has to be like, at least 87.4% crazy...

shadow boxer

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-26T07:22:09-08:00

I have time to beat myself up for all sorts of things. time to ruminate. time to wish I was better at all of this... to wish I was more patient and knew how to say the exact right things at the exact right times. or wish that I had magical abilities.

the well

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-25T09:49:12-08:00

I talk for an hour to get her to just please have some pedialyte and then all she does is ask if she can have 40 packages of splenda tomorrow....

buckle down the rumble seat

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-23T06:14:17-08:00

I walk by a church in my neighborhood every day and lately I’ve been thinking about going in and sitting quietly by the sunny stained glass windows. sitting and thinking of something bigger than me, something outside of me.

and the moon's teethmarks are on the sky

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-22T11:20:47-08:00

I’m afraid with this one. she’s so close to the edge. she has a foot already in that dark water.

Rubicon

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-19T19:43:36-08:00

there is that moment sometimes, when something happens in us, some change and we surge forward. sometimes forcefully, forcibly. sometimes painfully. but it happens, regardless of what we think we want. and in that moment we choose movement over stagnation.

heaven is:

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-18T20:01:30-08:00

I find this incredibly and strangely soothing...

i leaned on the wall, and the wall leaned away

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-18T10:16:58-08:00

this past summer I began a project, for work. and it’s been sitting here, staring at me, almost finished. and I can’t finish it, I don’t know what to do with it.

who's afraid of living life without false illusions

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-16T15:42:22-08:00

you know how some people just get you. they can draw out those things that we can’t see and they can tell us things about ourselves that we thought no one could know. they have a way of forming some kind of solid or sturdy reality. they make you feel more real, grounded somehow.

the crunch

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-14T10:38:50-08:00

and then, on the news, they said that someone tricked a crowd of people on the street in Port au Prince, they yelled that an aid station was handing out water. and the people dropped everything; even if is was the only thing they had. a bowl to eat from, their child’s blanket, and they ran.

I believe

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-11T14:56:08-08:00

I believe that timing is usually always mostly wrong. except for those rare lucky moments that we meet the people that we’re supposed to meet, and then it’s up to us to minimize how badly we mess each other up

evolution consists of the gradual transformation of organisms from one condition of existence to another

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-10T11:13:18-08:00

I feel like that these days. like I’m turning to liquid, like everything about me is changing in one way or another and it’s all kind of painful and messy and a little awful. but just maybe in the end I’ll turn into beautiful, beautiful butterfly?

tis the season for roses and wine and drunken friends. be happy for this moment, this moment is your life

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-09T06:26:24-08:00

what if every person who comes into our lives in a significant way, is there for a reason beyond our knowing. what if some people are there for some divine purpose, and something meaningful, slightly beyond comprehension. what if, when it all shakes out, in the end- that’s how we measure our lives, that’s how we are measured- through how we treated people, through how much we cared, how thoughtfully we acted, and for how we tried to see meaning, even when we were unsure.

we keep being us and they keep being them

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-07T19:10:42-08:00

however, I think that I can rightly say that there are happy people, and there are unhappy people. there are people who are fundamentally happy, but who from time to time, depending of circumstances, become unhappy for spells. but then they even out, and go back to being happy. and then there are unhappy people. these people are happy from time to time, but are generally unable to maintain happiness for any reasonable length of time and are generally unhappy.

smooth, harmonious interactions

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-06T07:05:24-08:00

thoughts and feelings make us miserable, because we tend to believe what we think. we think something and then look for ways to confirm this hypothesis. or we become masterful at avoiding the feeling, avoiding conflict. trying to make sense of it. we try to take something emotional and intellectualize it. square peg. round hole.

gravity and weightlessness, presence and absence.

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-04T08:27:52-08:00

I said that I had most things done, but it’s not such a big deal for me, cause I don’t have kids. and she laughed and said “oh, come on- you’re not old enough to have kids” (bless her) and I said “I’m 32, actually” then there was an awkward silence and she slowly said “oh, yeah, that’s like, the perfect age...” and then I said, “and I’m single” and then she looked like she was going to cry.

tourniquet

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-02T18:16:47-08:00

I only have my version of this truth. and I know it’s true, which only makes it worse. there’s nothing to temper it, nothing to ease it or soften it. nothing to take the pain out of it. this is what I sit with. these are the pieces I am trying to shift. this is what I am going to change.

365

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2010-01-01T13:45:19-08:00

based on and depending on how I’m feeling that particular day.

the lens

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-31T17:42:14-08:00

I suppose they think that if they don’t say it out loud, it’s not real, that if they refuse to hear it, it will dissolve; that if the facts are ignored, they will cease to exist, or something like that.

10

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-30T14:42:27-08:00

this is the first year in 10 years that I’m not working through the holidays. the first time that I don’t have to drive off or fly off or worry about an inevitable emergency. it’s the first year in a decade that my holidays haven’t been laced with some kind of guilt that I should be someplace else. that I should be helping someone.

an unconscious consciousness is no more a contradiction in terms than an unseen case of seeing

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-28T21:15:40-08:00

I want to find a polka dot bikini to wear at the lake this summer

the ultimate moral hazard

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-25T23:24:21-08:00

I keep seeing and hearing about people who fuck up colossally and horribly and cruelly and I wonder why and how and why it keeps working for them. it works and they get what they want. for a moment. for a spell. until the next time and then it starts all over again...

happy merry christmas

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-25T00:12:01-08:00

LOVE.

and then, in a blinding flash

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-23T21:13:09-08:00

they actually said that. out loud. in a matter of fact way- like I should have known it. like I was dumb for not just knowing that already.

to reveal or make distinct

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-22T19:49:55-08:00

and then I take a breath and the breath gets stuck and I think that what if whatever it is I want to say will just come out all wrong. or all in a scream. or something.

heard birds sing like greek choruses

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-19T19:30:13-08:00

recovered and moved away, gone with them. some parts belong to some people. they go with the person who recovered them. that’s what missing is, missing the parts that they opened.

the paradox of choice

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-16T22:37:32-08:00

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Watch Tegan and Sara Call it off Video High Quality in Alternative | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

i just want back into your head

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-14T11:13:59-08:00

We would like to know what, as moral agents, we must do because of logic, what we must do because of human nature, and what we can choose to do.

the important parts of you

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-13T23:33:47-08:00

listen, I’m not ready for a relationship per se, but what I really just want is some man hands to like, fix my door and install a dimmer switch in my hallway. how about it?

a sovereignty of good

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-12T13:53:10-08:00

He started to make some bullshit excuse about his wife, I could hear the tone coming- she wasn’t fun anymore, he thought he deserved something more... or some other empty line all based on some want inside of him. he wanted some feeling or reflection to come back and justify his behavior or to make him feel better about himself.

derailment

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-10T13:40:19-08:00

Last night I dreamt I was synchronized swimming in a pool at night. smiling when I came out of the water, like we were supposed to, and then panicking when I had to go under the water again, unable to breathe. my partner pinched my nose for me so the water wouldn’t come in and I trusted him to not let go.

how impossible it is to try and understand someone else

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-08T13:39:10-08:00

“You fight your superficiality, your shallowness, so as to try to come at people without unreal expectations, without an overload of bias or hope or arrogance, as untanklike as you can be, sans cannon and machine guns and steel plating half a foot thick; you come at them unmenacingly on your own ten toes instead of tearing up the turf with your caterpillar treads, take them on with an open mind, as equals, man to man, as we used to say, and yet you never fail to get them wrong.

sicky pants

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-07T20:00:35-08:00

However, I am feeling much better now and then a few people asked when it was going to be this year and that got me feeling all warm and nice cause I realize that I DO have friends and I have not lost them all cause I never answer the phone....

you better come on, in my kitchen

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-05T22:44:02-08:00

the other day I went to a bookstore (I love bookstores, a lot. and yes, maybe I will marry a bookstore and we would be very happy together, thank you very much). anyways, I found myself inching toward the “self help” section, and I felt kind of like a perv about it...

we only give what we think we deserve

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-04T09:01:43-08:00

When a person has a mind of their own, they’re just asking for trouble. if you have an opinion and you state it, you set yourself up for getting shot down. life is a series of dodging bullets... and if you say how you feel, or state your mind, you better be prepared to get shot down from time to time. that’s the risk.

chocolate and aliens

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-02T17:41:18-08:00

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chocolate and aliens from Bryn Meadows on Vimeo.

paralyze analyze

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-12-01T13:07:27-08:00

A big piece of why I don’t take things, or people on lightly- is because I am blindingly aware of how attached (I’d like to think loyal, as well) I can become to whatever I’ve committed to.

Full of Love

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-30T09:06:23-08:00

I love the moment that you realize that things are getting better

full of hate

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-29T16:57:59-08:00

I hate it when you tell someone something personal and they find some way to make it about themselves. and not in an: I understand, because I’ve been through something similar kind of way. but in a: what do they want from me... or: this must somehow be about ME kind of way. and then they don’t really hear you, cause they are too busy thinking about how whatever you told them might possibly affect them, or what they’ll have to do about it, instead of just being supportive or human about it. and then you just feel worse than before you said anything about it at all.

scattered

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-28T21:04:56-08:00

storm by brynmeadows on Polyvore.com

tissue

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-27T11:32:40-08:00

I’ve always felt it: ooooh I want to hand them a tissue so bad. but, that’s my stuff. that’s me wanting to caretake them. when really, they need to feel this shit. they need to not hide behind a tissue, not wipe it up, but just be there and FEEL it. snot and all.

an amazing piece of machinery

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-26T19:25:43-08:00

she can ask me that, because she knows what to do with the answers. she can give me advice and ask me hard questions, because that is our agreement. she can poke around and provoke emotional responses in me, because she knows how to handle the outcome.

all that glitters

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-25T22:16:50-08:00

I always had this vision of myself as becoming this eccentric old lady, drinking brandy from my exotic teacup collection and regaling the neighborhood children with stories of my exciting and torrid past.

ghosts

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-24T20:04:54-08:00

I could have told Dave anything. and I mean anything. and he would have not only stayed by me, he would have crawled inside the cave with me. in that way, he was a glorious human being. he wasn’t afraid of feelings. he’d be there, he’d get right fucking in there and not back down. he was brave, and he would not accept anything less than a total baring of it all.

kindly unhitch that star, buddy

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-24T09:53:45-08:00

I told him that I didn’t really like this one and he he asked it if was because it was the most like me...

sometimes when I'm falling and flying and tumbling in turmoil

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-22T10:20:55-08:00

I’m compelled to confide in the one person who has openly said that they do not want to talk to me.

hurt

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-21T16:11:28-08:00

of consequence

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-20T18:19:58-08:00

I decided that I want and need to be as happy and healthy and as whole as I can be, and I decided that if I never get there, if I don’t reach those goals... well then, the only relationship I have, will have to be with me.

siamese dream

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-19T10:23:14-08:00

For the past couple of months, maybe because of some external circumstances... maybe because I was trying to not feel what I was feeling, or maybe because I was gauging my self and my actions on other people.

my sweetest downfall

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-17T17:39:41-08:00

I checked things out, asked questions... people told me to work, to stay busy. they said that nothing was going on, nothing had changed, everything was fine. and so, at that time I started feeling like I must be losing it. it must just all be in my mind.

i am sad, and so i am going to whine:

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-16T12:30:40-08:00

Does this blog make me look fat?

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-14T11:40:28-08:00

When I was a young woman, that would have devastated me, I’d seriously consider slitting my wrists over it (no exaggeration). but now, I just see those comments for what they are, mean, said by spiteful and unintelligent people.

everyone tries to define this thing called character

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-12T20:05:27-08:00

I want to learn to get down with the dirty bits. it’s hard though, it’s hard to accept the darker and not so nice side. it’s difficult to be challenged and to not react by trying to change something about myself to accommodate.... whatever. it causes me discomfort.

disambiguation

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-10T09:24:16-08:00

however, making art is something that I’ve always done. it runs in my family. it’s just what we do. there was never a shortage of supplies kicking around, there was never any pressure or stress about it. there weren’t any cares or standards if it was good or not. it actually isn’t even something that I’ve considered. because I’ve always just made it purely for the sake of making it, not for showing it.

the patron saint of pathos and redemption

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-09T20:22:16-08:00

acrylic and paper on canvas.

thank you for

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-07T13:08:41-08:00

cozying up with red wine in green glass glasses by the fire

untitled

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-11-06T15:48:28-08:00

Halloween Video Diary from Bryn Meadows on Vimeo.

trouble please be kind

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-10-30T09:35:57-07:00

fall cleaning

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-10-28T19:22:27-07:00

Every drawer, every cupboard, every cabinet, gutted and re-organized. bins and boxes of scraps of paper and photographs that were stuffed into old cigar boxes and shoe boxes are now all perfectly neat and tidy.

marmalade and manners

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-10-27T09:03:33-07:00

I sit behind a desk and read books all day and type out stories on the typewriter. the Irish pub is across the street, and the owner (an old Irish curmudgeon) brings me over cups of tea and sometimes throws cookies through the mail slot.

nullus in verba

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-10-26T08:14:44-07:00

people make me so sad sometimes. the thought of some people... emotionless and mediocre. damaged and empty women allowing damaged and empty men into their beds. both seeking fugacious and pathetic interchanges, void of emotional connection. that is what repels me.

the walrus and the carpenter

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-10-25T15:28:26-07:00

The Walrus and the Carpenter sat listlessly consoling each others crocodile tears, and feigned sympathy over the poor little oysters that they had tricked into their dinner pot..

don't you just hate it

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-10-23T09:39:15-07:00

don’t you just hate it when you drink like, 3 glasses of wine and you’re a little bored then you start to get curious and then you think it’s a hot idea to google someone... and then you totally UNEXPECTEDLY stumble on something that was written about you, by someone you know and you’re pretty much positive that they didn’t think you’d ever read it, cause it really sucks and in that moment you realize that you actually have the most horrible judgement in the history of judgements, and that someone you thought was nice, actually isn’t and that they blatantly used you in the worst possible way, as evidenced by the thing you just read, and you kinda feel like you might barf, and then you feel like the floor is a giant magnet sucking the: my-heart-just-dropped-into-my-stomach anxiety baby right out of you, right before your head implodes, or gets like, sucked into a black hole- but you can’t say anything about it, cause you were fully snooping and although it was about you, it technically isn’t your business. yeah, I totally hate that.

Dear Me, a letter to my 16 year old self

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-10-22T12:43:22-07:00

I get it, because these are the questions I’d want to ask my 64 year old self... and I hope she will give me the same advice, and go all Rilke on my ass too: I cannot give you the answers, because the point is, to live your way to the answers.

just a few good things for no reason at all

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-10-18T21:12:07-07:00

old worn in cowboy boots and velvet blazers

Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-10-18T10:30:33-07:00

We used to sit and smoke Gauloises and drink cheap wine and write postcards and haunt the second hand shops (where I picked up a 1920’s wedding dress for a song). you could be in a different country in a few hours and the french franc had a picture of the little prince on it. there were accordion players in the subway, people riding bicycles with baskets of baguettes and flowers. we’d walk for hours and then go to cafes and have mussels and wine (like hemingway). and we’d have cake everyday. (because I had a dream that we would, and so we did. cake and cappuccinos everyday- even if we had nothing else).

feel like a dummy? cause you should

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-10-16T11:00:55-07:00

There are the times when people say: “I’m going to do __________” and state some life goal or change and they feel pretty good about themselves for making these statements and other people might feel pretty good too, especially if it’s the intent to change a problem.

warning: wanton use of italics ahead

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-10-14T13:01:02-07:00

So, I suppose that’s why some fucking irritating little genius out there came up with the “Emoticon”. oohh emoticons, how I hate thee... and I’d seriously rather drink bleach than put an “LOL” at the end of a sentence. (however- for some reason it doesn’t bother me when other people use them.. it’s just me, I CAN’T do it. it’s like writing “that was a joke” at the end of every sentence. it’s not funny anymore if you have to explain it).

today helen c. got hit by a bat

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-10-13T20:44:30-07:00

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October 13, 2009 from Bryn Meadows on Vimeo.

dear diary

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-10-11T15:25:06-07:00

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procrastination/ sunday morning from Bryn Meadows on Vimeo.

bite your tongue and smile

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-10-09T15:47:26-07:00

I'm thinking about all of the times I've walked by you, and didn't even notice

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-10-01T12:13:27-07:00

(null)

the bed and I

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-09-30T08:01:00-07:00

why can’t things be easier. why can’t they be like they used to be. why can’t I go back to a time in my life where things made sense, when I thought I knew what was going on. where I felt happy and secure and better. instead of this. instead of feeling like this.

The Land and The Sea

The Unbearable Bearableness — 2009-09-29T17:52:17-07:00

They say to keep your eyes on the horizon when the sea is rolling too high, when it’s too much. but sometimes the horizon is just as bad. the waves push up and over the sides. sea sick becomes land sick.