The first is remarkably inappropriate:

Today i attended the funeral of one of my favorite teachers from high school. The first half was quite nice, sincere memories and honors to the deceased in words spoken by the children and a couple of musical numbers. The rest was dry, almost fanatical LDS propaganda. And then this happened:

During the telling of a cliff-diving story about the deceased, the eulogizer gets a little carried away and says something along the lines of “how do you fall that far, bounce off the cliff rocks and be alive today to tell about it…?” Realizing what he just said, he stops, stammers for a minute, and then just proceeds with his talk.

In addition to chuckling at the funeral-faux-pas of referring to the dearly departed as “still being alive today to tell about it”, i laughed literally out loud at this line from the Onion AV Club review of EdTV:

“Which NKOTB Would Marry You?” (my guess? Zeppo, the forgotten Wahlberg)”

I sure hope the “Zeppo Wahlberg” catches on.

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgerag.swf

(Hint, try dragging and throwing him too)

Now, screaming in the middle of the sidewalk, “That’s what’ll happen to you when we get home if you don’t apologize for your ridiculous hubris, you miserable excuse for a pet!” By this time, the aforementioned nice lady’s awkward chuckling has turned into wide-eyed horror, but she’s learned her lesson and my work there is done.

He is really cute though, i probably wouldn’t be able to keep quiet about it either.

The following is my list of top ten albums that came out in 97, 98, or 99 that i thoroughly enjoy now but was completely unaware of at the time.

#10 The Boy With The Arab Strap - Belle and Sebastian
It took me a very long time to get into Belle and Sebastian. A lot of the problem was that i always felt their best song (by far) was Stars of Track and Field, and i always have issues with bands whose most popular song is also the one i consider to be the best. However, after giving them more chances than i give most bands, i eventually came around.

#9 Keep It Like A Secret - Built To Spill
The thing most upsetting about missing this album when it came out is that i think i would have really enjoyed it then. It has very clear classic/progressive rock roots and would have been right up my alley, possibly even gatewaying me into indie rock much earlier than how it happened naturally (probably via Richard Feynman). Sorry, this was the best video i could find of The Plan.

#8 OK Computer - Radiohead
Of course i knew Creep from Pablo Honey, but was otherwise oblivious to Radiohead for an embarrassingly long time. Somewhere between the releases of Amnesiac and Hail To The Thief, i finally got around to buying The Bends. Fortunately i haven’t looked back since. Many argue OK Computer to be their all time best. I can’t force myself to agree or disagree.

#7 I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One - Yo La Tengo
I fell in love with Sugarcube from the above album the first time i heard it. And that was without even seeing this Bob Odenkirk/David Cross piece of brilliance.

#6 The Man Who - Travis
Every so often i sort of forget about Travis. I’m not sure why that happens, but i don’t exactly hate it because suddenly something from The Man Who or The Invisible band will pop up on whatever i’m listening to, and it’s so refreshingly exciting. The band in all their Scottishness is almost ridiculously charming too. See them live if you have the opportunity.

#5 69 Love Songs - The Magnetic Fields
It’s difficult to not find something you love from an album with 69 songs on it from a band with material as diverse as the Magnetic Fields. Of course that also means there are songs on the album that aren’t that great at all - or just incredibly odd. When all is said and done, however, 69 Love Songs will forever stand out as pop music and commentary brilliance.

#4 The Soft Bulletin - The Flaming Lips
It turns out that The Flaming Lips are way more than just She Don’t Use Jelly. I only wish i had that realization when The Soft Bulletin came out instead of when they opened for Beck while they were touring for Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots. Somewhere between dancing audience members dressed in animal costumes and Wayne Coyne spinning a spotlight erratically were brilliant acid rock songs. It wasn’t at all hard to get into Yoshimi. Looking back, it shouldn’t have been hard to get into The Soft Bulletin - an album simply sans any remotely mediocre track.

#3 XO - Elliott Smith
Not surprisingly, The Royal Tenenbaums turned me on to Elliott Smith. Fortunately, not long after that movie came out, he played a concert at the Univeristy of Utah. It wasn’t a great show, by any stretch of the imagination, but it was nice to see him live. Unfortunately, only a few weeks after that show he killed himself (most likely). Needle in the Hay will always be eerily apropos now. But since it’s not from XO, here’s my favorite track, Bled White.

#2 Mutations - Beck
This is kind of cheap, because i was well-acquainted with Odelay, and of course we all knew Loser from Mellow Gold. But Mutations was easily the Beck album that was going to get overlooked. And i fell right into the trap. The whole album is from another world that many Beck fans weren’t exactly comfortable with, but it undeniably has growing-power. Statistically speaking, Mutations became the Beck opus most likely to end up in my car CD player once i completely came to terms with that side of his brilliance.

#1 In The Aeroplane Over The Sea - Neutral Milk Hotel
I can’t even begin to describe how much i would have loved to know this album when it came out. It’s kind of like trying to describe how desparetly i would love Neutral Milk Hotel to put out ten or twenty more albums just like it. So good it warrants two embedded YouTube videos and no post-videos closing remarks.

Today, i find myself being saved again by the writings of Richard Feyman. I stumbled upon this site which explains, and lets one download, the Feyn Tube script for Firefox extension Greasemonkey. When enabled, the Feyn Tube script automatically changes all YouTube video comments into Richard Feynman quotes. You Tube comments, aka the armpit of the internet, are all suddenly now extremely clever and insightful quotes about science, life, religion, doubting, girls, bongos, Brazil, languages, art, etc.

The simple act of enabling this feature has increased the pleasure of watching You Tube videos exponentially. Can’t upvote enough.

However, i’m not so concerned. I’ve found a relatively comfortable balance on my view of animal rights - hinging much on the fact that i don’t equate animals as almost-humans. I have a very domesticated dog as a very domesticated dog. He provides me and my wife with entertainment and companionship and so forth and we provide him with shelter and food and hopefully some of the same things he provides us. He’s very much a part of our family in how (and how much) we care for him, but we make no excuses for his place as our pet.

Likewise, i have no problems eating meat and animal products. I understand and respect vegetarianism and vegan diets, but would only consider one myself for health (or education, or environmental*) reasons.

This stance on animal-human relations has led me to the comfortable (and i think relevant and accurate) opinion that i don’t need to feel bad for having my dog castrated, while at the same time i think it’s important that he doesn’t go around impregnating every female dog in town. Yes, he’s that charming.

I do, however, take some issue with the title. I’m okay with “castration” and “sterilization” but the idea that my dog is now gender-neutral, i feel is misleading. In this case, i side a little more with the “animals as living beings” argument of animal rights. I definitely don’t believe that physiology has a necessary and ultimate tie to human gender identity. And with Pi, i feel it’s the same. I will still refer to my dog as a “he” and will check “male” on his passport application without hesitation.

And i definitely argue that he’s not getting “fixed”.

But i don’t kid myself that his behavior might change. It will be interesting to see exactly what happens. If nothing else, hopefully he can start leaving his “special” blanket alone while we’re watching movies.

*During my senior year of high school i spent one week as a vegetarian because i was curious to see what would happen. What ended up happening was that it was inconvenient and upsetting to people to a much greater degree than that of my curiosity conviction. Also, i went almost ten years without eating beef because when i was around nine i was outraged to learn of Rainforest deforestation for cattle purposes.

The first Wes Anderson film i saw was The Royal Tenenbaums. I saw that movie in the theater not really knowing anything about it. It’s hard to accurately put to words exactly what happened. I was completely blown away - and confused. That was the true genesis of my realization that a film could be so much more than what i had exposed myself to at that point. That film moved me in ways no film ever had. I remember very specifically the feeling i had during the montage of Margot’s past set to the Ramones’ Judy Is A Punk. I remember knowing exactly how Ritchie and Raleigh felt. Nothing i had seen before in a film had affected me so much.

There are far too many other amazing scenes and ideas from that film to list here, but what ended up sticking out to me the most was the use of music. There were songs i knew very well that took on completely new meanings and songs i hadn’t ever heard before that were suddenly my new favorites because of their association to the emotions i felt for the scenes they were in: Nico’s These Days, The Velvet Underground’s Stephanie Says, Bob Dylan’s Wig Wam, etc. I will argue that no other film maker uses music in his or her films as well as Wes Anderson. I don’t even think his obvious influences (Mike Nichols, Hal Ashby, and Martin Scorcese to name a few) have ever quite got it right. Wes Anderson has and does.

I was exposed next to Rushmore by way of a trailer before some other film i rented (i’ve no idea which now). The clip from the trailer i lauged at for hours into the other feature was during the post-Serpico dinner when Max comments on Peter’s “nurses uniform”:

It turns out that that joke was right in the middle of about the ten funniest minutes in film: from the hilariously over the top high school Serpico production to the arugment and punch in the face to the awkward dinner and conversation… Those scenes are high on my list of entertainment that still makes me laugh ever time i see it.

Rushmore also contains what i consider the greatest montage ever (pardon the disproportions):

Everything i liked about The Royal Tenenbaums was available to me in Rushmore. What’s more, i found that with repeat viewings, Rushmore seemed to fair a little better. Rushmore was one of those movies that i wanted everyone to see. I couldn’t fathom how someone could watch that movie and not instantly fall in love with it. Especially with me there laughing hysterically in instant before every punch line.

It took two viewings of Bottlerocket for it to really sink in. When it did hit home, it was because i realized i wanted to be part of their team. I wanted to hang out with Anthony and Dignan and Bob Mapplethorpe and rob book stores. And once again the soundtrack helped. (How could i have lived so long without the music of Love?)

After Bottlerocket, i wanted to join Wes Anderson’s characters wherever they were. I wanted to be on Team Zissou on the Belefonte, tracking pirates and the tiger shark that ate my friend, listening to Seu Jorge’s quirky Portugese covers of David Bowie songs.

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou trailer is my favorite for any Wes Anderson film and one of my favorite trailers ever.

I also wanted to be on the train lost in India with the Whitman brothers, trying to find myself.

I guess when it comes down to it, Wes Anderson’s films make me feel as though i just really want to find myself. Or maybe i want to feel as though i need to be found. In reality, it’s possible no finding at all is needed, but when i watch one of these films, that’s irrelevant. I get lost in the style and the sounds and the characters and the quotes and the subtleties (”How does an asshole like Bob have such a nice kitchen?”) and the quirks to a depth no other films can produce. With every viewing, i feel there’s more to life the same way i realized with first viewings that there’s so much more to cinema.

Thanks Wes Anderson, happy birthday.

The point of this story is that i FINALLY joined Twitter. I’m not sure how frequently i’ll tweet, and i’m not sure the angle i’m going to take with it (maybe only tweets that are ridiculous and not true? Maybe only palindromic or haiku-ic tweets?).

But whatever happens, you can see the recent updates at the top right of this site or follow me at twitter.com/theusualshop. We’ll see what happens - if anything.

1.
Title: What’s in a Name Part 2: The Sim-mons
Original date to air: 8-Jan-2008

In 1992 (editor’s note: the movie actually came out in 1998) Woody Allen made an interesting movie that looked into the idea behind “celebrity”. People from all walks of life, doing all sorts of different things professionally and personally can eventually become famous. This post looks at four relatively famous people who have really nothing in common other than their celebrity status… Oh, and their last name.

Richard Simmons: Famed flamboyant physical fitness aficionado Richard Simmons was born with the surprisingly more accurate moniker Milton Teagle Simmons. Little Milton Simmons was no small child - was technically considered obese until the 1970s when he became interested in fitness but not ridiculous fad diets. He opened his own exercise studio in Hollywood and hit it big. He’s now famous for being a weird-ass. So much of one, actually, that he regularly plays himself on shows like The Late Show with David Letterman, Whose Line is it Anyway, and Saturday Night Live. Certainly no normal health expert this side of Suzanne Sommers’ thighs should be able to claim that.

There’s no easy way to segue to my next focus, Russell Simmons. No easy way, that is, except to point out that i once…

Russell Simmons is, of course, the creator of all things Def Jam-ed. His record label is responsible for artists like Run DMC (Reverend Joseph “Run” Simmons is Russell’s brother… Literally… Like they have the same parents and everything), The Beastie Boys, and LL Cool J.

(Editor’s note: the other two were going to be Gene Simmons and Bill Simmons)

2.
Title: Noteworthy…
Original date to air: 25-March-2008

A lot of blogs - indeed, maybe even the geneses of blogging - are about creating a source for people to find interesting things that are currently elsewhere on the internet. Kottke.org and blogs.usatoday.com/popcandy are excellent examples of these. I’ve no idea how these people find all this regularly interesting information to post about. My blog today is going to be one of those rather than my usual, deeply insightful, existentially liberating random thoughts.

I love the English language and words in general. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t usually use it real good, but I do have a healthy appreciation for our language. That helps explain why I read this article by The Onion probably a dozen times, laughing hysterically (indeed, frightening my coworkers) each time. Easily one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.

Here is the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy in its entirety (but with some typos for some reason). This is an excellent way to kill several hours at work, if that’s something you’re interested in. Sorry to spoil the ending of one of the most clever books ever… But, the secret to life and everything? Rosebud.

A funny story about the “movie” Expelled! is popular fodder on many blogs. I like this version the best (helps that it’s from the source, anyway).

3.
Title: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Office
Original date to air:20-May-2008 (During my faux presidential campaign)

I publicly, officially apologize for not posting more frequently.  Campaigning, as it turns out, is hard work.  I’ve been spending so much time out with my people, shaking hands, comparing heights, telling war stories that I’ve neglected my online constituency.

My nemesis, candidate Hart as recently informed us all of many amazing, surprising endorsements.  Perhaps most surprising is his recent list of supporters includes a majority of my all-time heroes, many of which are long deceased.

Well today, I got a surprise supporter of my own.  While I was walking to work, suddenly I felt a great warmth and ab

(Editor’s note: A picture of me with God -and subsequent news that i turned down his endorsement- was going to be the punchline of this post, but the paint-shopped version i was putting together never ended up looking quite right.)

4.
Title: Untitled
Original date to air: 11-June-2008

5.
Title: Untitled
Original date to air: 22-July-2008

I always thought it was a hilarious joke whenever somebody came up with a list of one hit wonders to mention that in my opinion the greatest one hit wonder of all times is Johann Pachelbel.  His hit, Canon in D, is known by everyone yet you’d be very hard pressed to find anyone who could name another Pachelbel song.  I was dismayed recently to learn that this joke isn’t even remotely original.

6.
Title: Untitled
Original date to air: 15-Aug-2008

In leiu of another cynical, ranting post about us all entropically going to hell in a bucket, i’ve decided to blog about happiness today.  In particular, i’m going to write about the happiest songs i can think of.

The first happy song that comes to mind is satirical, but still remarkably happy.  At the end of Monty Python’s The Life of Brian, the Romans are crucifying a few people.  Instead of being down about a ridiculously painful death, the

7.
Title: I Employ Radians of Separation
Original date to air: 29-Aug-2008

Toast to Kevin Bacon in six steps.  Go!

‘Toast’ is what i say instead of ‘test’ when i’m seeing how the audio sounds on anything.
Ultravox is a band that i thought was called Audiovox for a while.
Ultravox had a great song called Vienna.
Vienna means nothing to me

8.
Title: Untitled
Original date to air:18-Sep-2008

Of course Sarah Palin is supposed to be using official, government email accounts.  In order to get around public records laws, however, she seems to be using a lot of private emailings including Yahoo.  So someone hacked her Yahoo account and posted some screenshots as well as her password which is “popcorn”.

9.
Title: Ehmm…  Sorry About the Delay and Subsequent Explanation
Original date to air: 11-Nov-2008

It’s been quite an autumn.

10.
Title: Untitled
Original date to air: 21-Nov-2008

Today i was excited to see this at Google:

It turns out that today is the 110th birthday of my favorite artist, Renee Magritte. Happy birthday, dude.

11.
Title: I launched a hedgehog into outer space. What’s she ever done with her life that’s so great?
Original date to air: 3-Dec-2008

In leiu of working at work, i’ve been playing the

The first Tull song i knew i knew was of course Aqualung, which frightened and amazed me at the same time. However, the song that cemented their brilliance to me is a little more obscure, The Minstrel in the Gallery.

As Ian Anderson explains at the beginning of this clip, the song is about both participants witnessing art and artists witnessing participation, and really, how do we know which is which - and who is who? And it’s relevant because for no reason at all, i updated my “About Me” today with a slight reflective theme. It’s also relevant because of my recent hiatus from writing. I’ve been much more the voyeur than the show lately.

And it’s awesome. So next time you’re wandering a gallery, wondering aloud if you’re the art, the artist, or the viewer, consider that probably you’re all three. And then pull out your flute, crouch over, put your left foot on your right knee and go to town.