A while back I was asked to do an entertaining little piece for Spike TV’s show MANSWERS.  It was a lot of fun and here it is.

Also, after drinking mass amounts of this beer we decided to soak a roll of toilet paper in Jet A turbine fuel and play what they like to call flaming hacky sack.  Yeah, I singed off the hair on my eyebrows, arms, and legs, but it was a good time.  Here are a couple pics of it.

And just for good measure I’m going to throw in one of my favorite motivational posters because I fucking feel like it.

Now I’ll post a couple of videos from some of our jumps there.  This video is of a tracking dive.  It’s where everyone flies like a bird towards one person that is tracking away.  I decided to track on my back to get good video of everyone.  This jump ended with what they call a swoop and chug.  You try to land as close to the beer as possible and your time starts when you hit the ground and it ends when you finish chugging the beer.  Well as you’ll hear in the second video, I did a little too much swoop and overshot the mark so I cut away my canopy and came back to drink the beer.  I still won…..of course.  And they made me drink a fucking tallboy.  So the videos will be in two parts.  The first part is the tracking dive and the second part is of the end of the jump and the swoop and chug.  Oh, and if you’ll look closely you’ll see that I nailed my head on the wing of the plane on exit, that wasn’t ideal.  Good thing I’m invincible.  Oh, and I’ll throw in another one of my fucking with a dude under canopy.  Click view the vide0 to see the videos.

Now that is some impressive shit.  Anyway, that was my day today.  Tomorrow more of the same, drinking, jumping, etc…. not necessarily in that order.

But that’s not what I am going to blog about tonight.  Tonight I am going to blog about a story that happened to me a few years ago.  This story will humanize me a bit because I know that most of you look up to me like a god.  I know I’m ridiculously good looking, charming, good at whatever I do, and just all around awesome so I am sure a lot of you look at me as more than human, almost god-like.  But I want to tell you a humorous story that will humanize me a little bit more and maybe you can relate a little better with me as your average every day Joe (who is ridiculously awesome).  Now just a warning, this is about human feces and diahrheea and it’s pretty disgusting so if you have a weak stomach then make your vagina stop reading now.

Ok, it all happened a few years ago when I was dating a girl that I eventually ended up dating for like 5 years.  Now at this time I wasn’t dating her for more than like a month.  You know, that time when you won’t fart in front of them and heaven forbid you let them know that you actually poop.  Well it was after a night of heavy drinking (surprise, surprise) and I had a fierce case of the beer shits.

Well when I get the beer shits there is no warning, I go from completely fine to I am about to shit my pants in about 3 seconds.  When they hit, it’s time to go, no matter where the fuck I am.  I get the shit sweats and it’s on.  If I don’t find somewhere soon it’s going to get ugly.

Well we were driving to her parents house and we were in the middle of fucking nowhere driving up north.  Then all of a sudden…..HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!  They hit.  I started to sweat and the stomach started grumbling and I knew I had about 5 minutes to find someplace to drop this load.  Well I couldn’t let her know I had to poop because we just started dating so even though I was sweating like a whore in church and looked like someone just took a machete to my stomach I still tried to hide the fact that I was about to blow up a shitter somewhere.

So my mission was to find somewhere to do my business.  But as I said before, I was in the middle of the sticks with nowhere in sight to stop to do my business.  I told her that I had to pee so I stopped on the side of the road by an overpass.  Well by the time that I actually stopped I was about to shit my pants so when I got out of the car I had to do the old “leg cross” technique to prevent from shitting myself right there on the spot.

So there I am, on the side of the road with my legs crossed.  Now imagine having your legs crossed and your butt cheeks clinched so tight you could make a diamond out of a lump of coal with just your ass and then imagine trying to run a race with your legs completely crossed while standing, not an easy feat.  Yeah, I know it’s a pretty funny visual but that’s what I was facing.  I looked around and there was a little bridge that ran over the highway and I thought if I could just get to that little creek area under the bridge I could totally do my business without her ever knowing I didn’t do anything other than take a piss.  The only catch was that it was about a 15 foot hill to the bottom of it to get to the hidden little area that had it’s own little creek.

I figured I would inch my way down the hill, legs crossed and all just a step at a time.  I made it about the first 5 feet doing this legs crossed sort of awkward I have to poop walk and then I lost my footing.  Oh yeah……, I fell and started to roll down the hill.  Well while rolling down this hill the legs became uncrossed and the beer shits started to fly.  Not only was I shitting my pants, I was rolling down the hill and making sure I shit every single part of my body on the “agony of defeat” roll down this hill.

I finally come to rest and get to the bottom and it was pretty disgusting.   There wasn’t a part of me that didn’t have miller lite in the next day liquid feces form covering my body.  I proceeded to strip down naked and wash myself in the creek.  I had to use the clean part of my pants to wash myself off so they were a lost cause.  Well my pants were completely dookie covered and ruined so they definitely weren’t going with me back to the car.  I washed myself up as best as possible but then I had to walk back up to the car……pretty much completely naked other than a shirt.

Now of course I thought this was hilarious but I had my doubts how funny it would be to the girl that I had been dating less than a month and afraid to fart in front of. When I walked back up into traffic and jumped into the car with all my junk for the world to see I was scrambling to come up with some form of lyingese which I have mastered by the way to cover the story.

Well you know me, I said fuck it.  Walked back up to the car completely bottomless with my junk swinging in the wind.  I jumped in the car, looked her dead in the eyes and told her, I think it’s time we take this thing to the next level, what are your thoughts on road head?

As you can imagine, this didn’t go over so well and I had to come clean to the fact that I just spent the last 5 minutes rolling down the hill and rolling around in my own beer shits.  I then proceeded to drive the remaining 3 hours completely naked from the waist down to meet her parents for the first time.  Yeah, good times.  I guess it might be a little funnier in my mind than it is in this story but I just felt I had to share a funny story of my past.

I had to share because now you can all realize that I am not actually a god (yes I am) but I am actually human that does stupid shit like this and I do get myself in embarrassing situations just like the rest of you.

That’s about it, I’m a little hammered so I’ll just end it there I hope you got a chuckle with the visuals.  Hopefully I won’t read this tomorrow sober and realize how un-entertaing it actually is.  But you know what, if you don’t like it………I COULD GIVE A FUCK LESS.  At least I wrote something for you to read tomorrow when you have your own beer shits and have nothing else better to do than read my toilet stories.

WARDINATOR…….out.  Passsed out.

Ok, so I’m standing there at the urinal at the Atlanta airport.  I pull into my parking space beside some random dude.  As guy code would have it I looked straight ahead and motionless.  If you’re a guy you know what I’m talking about.  You basically have to act like the guy beside you is Medusa and if you happen to look his way you’ll surely turn to stone right there in place with your junk in your hand.

So there I am, standing beside him enjoying the sweet release of pissing and he begins to let out a very audible fart.  Well the first ten seconds were pretty amusing but after the 15 second mark it actually started to become quite impressive.  I swear to God that this man let out one continuous, non-stop, VERY LOUD AND STEADY fart that was truly remarkable.  He farted the entire time I pissed and I swear to god that it was at least 60 seconds non-stop.  I mean…. that is fucking amazing right?!  So when he finally finished and let out the finishing squeak I sincerely said to him while still looking straight forward “Nice Work!!!  I’ll call Guiness”

I thought we would have a nice little man laugh at his amazing flatulence accomplishment but what did I get in return?  He told me to fuck off.  It just goes to show you that you can’t be nice to anyone and don’t even think about paying a sincere complement to anyone in this day and age.

I don’t care though, that magical moment of the one minute fart will forever be in my mind even if he did tell me to fuck off.

Even his nasty comment won’t take away the joy in my heart that the amazing feat of flatulence brought me.

That’s it, just thought I would share…..

WARDINATOR…..out.

I have had a few fans that are a bit upset with me that I haven’t posted anything in a while.  Well I apologize……… I apologize that I have a fucking life and don’t live in front of my computer masturbating and writing in this fucking blog.  Just hold your horses, I’ll get to it when I get to it.  I did find it flattering that a couple people did tell me that they were ashamed to say it but reading my garbage is their guilty pleasure that they hated to admit.  But seriously, If I don’t write, it’s because I’m out living my life and not behind this computer.  I’m out getting more stories to write about for your amusement so you can read them while you’re taking a shit.

So since I haven’t written anything in a while I’ll write a few articles tonight.  I have the time because I am in Alabama at a skydiving event and well there isn’t much to do in Alabama if you’re not skydiving other than masturbating in front of my computer and writing in this fucking blog.

Before I get to that I think I’ll show a picture of one of my favorite shirts.

I like this pic because it’s true.  Obama is a complete piece of shit that hasn’t done anything and I can’t wait to see him go.  I also left the tshirthell.com on there because I love that company.  If you want a laugh go here and check them out.

I know that had nothing to do with anything but who gives a shit, it’s my blog and I’ll do what I want.  Ok, now we’ll get to the topic.  I spend a lot of my life traveling for my job.  I can’t complain too much because I actually get paid to travel the world and skydive so it’s pretty cool but there is the downside to it…….traveling and airports.

I’m going to list some of the most maddening shit I encounter every single damn time I travel.

1.  I absolutely loathe the stupid fuckers that stand on moving sidewalks.  You know what?  Some of us aren’t complete fat lazy slobs and actually don’t mind walking even when the lazy fucking sidewalk is moving your fat ass along.  Or maybe, just maybe, we are in a hurry and we took the moving sidewalk to get through the piece of shit airport even faster so we can make our next flight.  I know, I know, it’s awully confusing as to what to do on a moving sidewalk but it is possible to figure it out.  Especially when that annoying bitch voice tells you every 3 seconds that you should stand to the right if you’re standing and walk to the left if you’re walking.  Now I know the world is full of incompetent fucks but IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE!!!  Move your fat cheeseburger ass to the right and park your blubber over there while I try to squeeze past that cellulite as I try to make my flight.

Here is an example of my worst nightmare.  You just know these idiots will block the whole damn thing all the way down.  I don’t give a shit if it’s a cutesy little kid with a cutesy little luggage thing, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!

Ok, this idiot below is doing a little better, at least he is standing to one side but that annoying bitch….remember her?  She says stand to the RIGHT.  Now I have to bob and weave like a Nascar driver to get around this old piece of shit.  Come on people, again…..it’s not ROCKET SCIENCE!

Just in case you idiots haven’t gotten it yet below is a picture of how the super tricky moving sidewalks work.  Notice he is walking….not standing and not blocking the damn sidewalk.  That’s how it’s done, add it to your little brains and help me keep my sanity please.

Ok, on to the next thing that drives me fucking crazy.  I can’t believe that airlines pay some moron to stand at the check-in kiosks with their sole purpose in life to see that there is no one standing at a kiosk and to then tell the next person in line that a kiosk is open.  Well no shit genius!!  It not only pisses me off that our ticket prices are certainly higher because they have to pay this moron to do this but also because the idiots in front of me will actually stand there and wait until that dipshit tells them to go to an open kiosk even if there are 10 of them sitting there unmanned.  Use some common sense people.  And how bad is it that the person getting paid to state this obvious fact has to go home to their children and tell them that they are basically a worthless human being with a worthless job of telling other worthless people the completely fucking obvious facts that they should be smart enough to pick up on themselves.  I’m actually surprised that there is even this job.  I mean, if I sunk that low I wouldn’t work there long because immediate suicide would inevitably be my sweet release.

If you see this…..just go to the fucking kiosk, you don’t have to wait for the soon to be suicidal idiot to point out the obvious fact that they’re open.

This next point doesnt really anger me but rather makes me sad.  It makes me sad that you’re in an airport and you see some of the hottest women on the planet and you know that they’re going somewhere else you’re not.  I think it’s God playing cruel jokes on me.  It’s like he says “Hey, that’s a pretty girl right there, maybe you should get her number….oh wait a minute, she’s going to fucking Italy and you’re going to Alabama……..Ha you dipshit.”  Yeah, God probably talks like that.

It makes me even sadder that they are never, ever, ever on my plane.  And if they are on my plane they are never, ever, ever, ever, sittting beside me.  Instead, I get the stinky muslim guy or the fat bitch that needs a seatbelt extender who’s spilling cheeto crumbs all over me the entire flight as my nextdoor neighbor…..fuck me.

This should be the girls that I get to sit next to…

But it seems that these inbreds are always my neighbors on the plane.

Another thing that drives me crazy are the fucking idiots that take 4 damn hours getting through security.  Have you never flown before people?  Ok, you know you can’t take metal through the metal detector.  I know this sounds kooky but you can’t.  You’re going to have to take your shoes off and put them in the tray.  You’re going to have to put all your shit in the tray before you can go through.  There is nothing more frustrating then some moron acting like it was a surprise party and that they have to do this and taking 4 hours to get through the damn checkpoint while I stand behind them wanting to strangle them.  And even better is watching an idiot go through the metal detector just to be turned back to take off his watch.  Then going through again to be turned back to take the shit out of his pockets.  This happens not once, not twice, but often three or four times…..are you kidding me!!!  Take the fucking metal out of your pockets moron.  And never, ever, ever get behind someone with children and especially a stroller.  There is no chance that those little morons or that stroller is making it past the super secure TSA checkpoint in under a half hour.  Avoid them completely.

Ok, I’ve bitched enough about what I hate about traveling let me end on what I find great joy in while traveling.  I like to fart on the airplane and just watch as it spreads.  The faces of the people when they catch that first whiff of recycled WARDINATOR flatulence is absolutely priceless.  It makes all the bad that happened to me seem to be ok.  Especially when I get to gag the moron that had to go through the metal detector 5 times while I stood and watched.  Thank god for little victories.

Now I’m not totally uncouth.  I give that fake look around with a disgusted look on my face as if I am appalled that someone had the audacity to fart on an airplane.  But all the while on the inside I am smiling a nice big smile……enjoy my ass juice you bastards.

So if you’re ever on a plane and you smell that sweet stench of feet, ass, and rotten garbage, I may be looking for the culprit…..but it was me.  Paybacks are a bitch motherfuckers.

WARDINATOR…….out

Is there anything that you all would like me to talk about?  I have tons of shit to write about but if you would like to see my viewpoint on things just email me with your request and I’d be happy to write about it.  I’ll even give you credit if I don’t think you’re a complete piece of shit.

Ok, WARDINATOR out for tonight.  Tomorrow we talk about explosive diarrhea and all the fun times that have come from that so stay tuned.

And stop unsubscribing you fucks!!!!  Refer a friend will ya?  At least it takes a little  bit of time out of your meaningless little existence to read my bullshit so that is nice.

So with that I’ll leave you with one of my favorite pics

Today my best friend and his soon to be wife had to go and get their marriage license so I decided I would watch their cute little baby girl for the jaw dropping period of one stinking hour.

I thought….man, this is going to be easy.  What can go wrong in an hour right?!  Wrong!!!!

Before I get started let me show you a picture of the cute little angel I was watching first.  This is her below.

It all started pretty easy at first.  I downed half a bottle of cough medicine with codeine to prepare myself for the journey ahead and was well underway to being a good uncle and friend.  Now mind you, I don’t like babies……  I don’t like people so I especially don’t like babies.   You can imagine that I’m not the best at holding them or actually taking care of them.  Remarkably though I do like this one that’s the only reason I agreed to do this.

Ok, so all is going well and she’s playing with toys and having a grand old time and nature called for Uncle WARDINATOR.  I thought, what’s a minute away from her, all should be fine……WRONG AGAIN ASSHOLE!

About 15 seconds into my pee she realized she was alone in the room and started crying.  She wasn’t just crying, she was PISSED!!!  I immediately pinched off my pee (which hurts like shit by the way) and came back out figuring she would settle down.  Oh no…..she proceeded to get even more pissed and the crying was non-stop.

Like I said, I’m not good at touching babies but in this case I was forced to.  I tried to hold her….nothing.  I tried playing with toys with her……nothing.  I tried to play the cute little footsie and I got your toes game with her….nothing.

Needless to say this is fifteen minutes into this process and that is exactly when it hit me…how in God’s name do you parents do this shit?  I can barely manage to take care of myself, feed myself, and stop myself from being a beligerant crying mess half of the time let alone add someone else in the mix that can’t tell you they just shit themself.  (By the way, NO WAY IN HELL am I changing a diaper)

Speaking of shit, this brings me to my next point.  Well as my luck would have it of course after nights of drinking a serious case of the beer shits fell upon me.  I’m sure it’s Karma but nevertheless it happened.  I’m talking the kind of beershits that if you don’t get somewhere quickly then bad things are going to happen.  Don’t judge me, Everyone poops

What could I do?  If she turned into a raging pissed off machine after 15 seconds without me there how in the hell was I going to go and sit on the shitter for 10 minutes.  Wasn’t gonna happen.  I sure as hell wasn’t going to take this little baby into the shitter with me.  Because A.  That’s just weird.  And B.  I have toilet anxiety.

So here I am, sweating profusely from the pain, doubled over squeezing my cheeks while trying to sing head and shoulders knees and toes.  All the while texting my friend,  WHEN THE HELL ARE YOU GETTING HOME, I HAVE TO POOP!!!!  It was definitely a sight to see.

Well then I found my saving grace which I will never ridicule ever again.  The Backyardigans.  Holy shitballs thank god for the backyardigans.  They happened to come on the T.V. and all of a sudden the crying stopped and cute little baby was now glued to the T.V.

I watched in pain making sure that it wasn’t going to be a passing fad of interest and sure enough…..she was glued to it.  She never took her eyes off of it for a minute.

Did I mention that I thank God for the Backyardigans and will NEVER ridicule kids shows again?  Good.

So I thought this was my chance to make  a break for it.  I did the legs crossed, I have to poop dance walk as I quickly got back to the bathroom  and kept my ear out for any crying.  Luckily for me there wasn’t a peep so I knew I was safe.  Actually when I came back out this was the sight I saw and just how enthralled she was at those damn heavenly Backyardigans.

Luckily for me the rest of the babysitting experience was uneventful.  But I tell you what…… I have so much for respect for you parents that do this day in and day out.

I just thank god for two things.  1.  I don’t have any of my own that I know of so I never have to do this.  And 2.  She waited until Mom and Dad pulled in to take a big load in her pants.  I think she was just taunting me…..Damn baby!

Remember, if you like my stories, refer a friend to subscribe to the email feed, it’s free and it’s mindless humor, should be right up your alley.