Here’s what happened. She got me out of bed at four this morning, sat me down at my kitchen table, opened up my laptop, and said: Yes, now, listen, write, don’t doubt Me, go.

So here I am. Outside, dawn too-slowly emerges blue and gray, not it’s usual golden orange. Gusts of snow blow through trembling, arthritic branches.  I’m both so tired and so glad to be so awake.

She likes to meet me like this, when I’m alone, raw from too little sleep, willing to let Her show me.

She is Mary. Mary Magdalene. We formally met a year and a quarter ago, but actually we’ve known one another for much longer than that. And she woke me up this morning so I could begin telling you the story of how we met. The “why” is not for me to share. At least not that I know of, right now.

 1987

It’s past my bedtime. The tick, tick, tick of my red, plastic Hello Kitty alarm clock on my bedside table tells me that. Burt rests on his blue blanket at my feet. I hear his rolling purrs as he presses his orange paws, one after the other, into its plump threads.

Papa’s polished shoes click clack on the wood floor of the hallway outside my room.

I sit up, reach for Burt, and pull him up into my arms. I lie back down, roll to my right, and curl my knees up towards Burt, who’s now at my chest. Next to Hello Kitty, Mother Mary, a First Communion gift from my godmother, sits inside her petite, brass frame. She gazes placidly down at her delicate hands, which rest in her lap, one on top of the other. I want to be there too, protected by her crown of five golden stars. I want her to cradle me in the folds of that dusty rose dress.

Mom and Papa’s voices thunder. 

Is the wall shaking now, or is that just me?  My stomach hurts. I squeeze Burt more tightly. He rubs his wet nose against my chin. I wonder if my sisters are asleep or if they too are awake and afraid. I fix my eyes on Mary. I don’t know what else to do.

I whisper:

Thy Father, Who art in heaven,

Hallowed be Thy Name

Glass shatters on the floor. I hear crying. More yelling.

Tears drench my face. My body heaves to hide the sound that wants to spill from it. I keep looking at Mary.

Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

On earth as it is in heaven.

The pain in my belly starts to soften. I long for the morning, when my room’s bright and my alarm rings and it’s oatmeal for breakfast and sitting in the back of the school bus, laughing with Karen.

I don’t hear anything.

Give us this day, our daily bread,

and forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us;

My eyelids are heavy. Mary fades into the darkness along with the rest of my room. My body relaxes and becomes still. Burt is asleep.

and lead us not into temptation, 

but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

To be continued.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

Learn how to cultivate a relationship with your She.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

How to Nurture Your Relationship with Money as Part of Your Spiritual and Self-Care Rituals

with Bari Tessler; Financial Therapist, Coach, and Mommypreneur

Tuesday, February 7 2012

11:00am-12:00pm PDT/ 12:00pm-1:00pm MST/ 1:00pm-2:00pm CST/ 2:00pm-3:oopm EST

Listen by phone, Skype, or webcast

 Check Your Timezone Here

(If you can’t make the call live, not to worry, I’ll e-mail the MP3 out to you afterwards.)

You eat kale, drink smoothies, and go to yoga classes. You recycle and eat organic foods. Or you aspire to do these things in an effort to become a more conscious, whole, and integrated woman. 

But…how often do you balance your checkbook? Implement and follow a budget? Track your expenses? Clean out your wallet? Set money goals and hold yourself accountable to them?

Having conscious, regular (and even fun, in a chocolate-y kind of way) money practices are just as important as our spiritual and self-care rituals. Money savvy is an essential part to creating a wealthy life–in the fullest sense of the term–and to following your way as a happy woman.

If you don’t have money practices already, if you resist them, or you do have them but just need help dusting them off and taking them to the next level, you’ll want to join me and Bari on this call.

Too often women act like ostriches around money–burying our heads in the sand with blind hopes that somehow, someone, someday will come to our financial rescue. This is not a valid financial plan, ladies!

Like you aspire to take your health, relationships, and spiritual growth to the next level, it’s time to evolve with your finances too.

Here’s what we’ll cover on the call:

• What, exactly, a “Money Practice” is, and how it can support you in taking your life to the next level.
• How to get clear on where to start with  ”Money Practice”, even if you feel lost in the financial forest, and overwhelmed by your finances.
• Why chocolate + body check-ins are essential to your money practice.
• Why it’s so darn hard to look at your numbers–and how to change that.
• Uncovering and healing your “money story” to rewrite the script of your financial future, right away.
• Why becoming financially savvy is an essential ingredient to being an empowered, awake woman.

I’m okay with feeling this way. And I’m not surprised either–I was expecting it (it’s a crucial part of what I teach, after all).

When I opted out of going to Thailand this year to endure the full stretch of winter for the first time since 1999, I knew what I was signing up for.

Winter’s wisdom bites. Stings. Gnaws at  the unessential until the raw, vulnerable Truth meets the air of your life and bleeds thick and red. She has no mercy; yet it’s in her exacting ruthlessness that she most lovingly and compassionately serves us.

Only a warrioress (or warrior) can face winter head-on. Most of us are too afraid, distracted, or sleepy to hear her battle call.

On these cold days, with my sword of discernment drawn, I have little tolerance for anything that doesn’t support my desires, my vision, my dream for Life—mine and yours. In my ready-to-fight stance I feel hurt and sad that so many of us are looking for answers in the wrong places.

The answers aren’t in this blog post, nor are they in someone’s next Facebook status update. They’re not on Twitter, Google +, or in your e-mail inbox.

They’re inside of you.

I feel concerned that reading endless articles on “5 Ways to Be Happier” or “3 Ways to Recharge” (and, yes, I read and write those articles too) brings us more and more into our heads and less and less into our bodies and our hearts. We’re gorging ourselves on information to the point of numbness.

Don’t get me wrong: Being online together—in virtual gathering places like this one—is important. It connects, inspires, and educates us. But let’s not forget that the most important relationship that we can ever have is the relationship with ourselves.  And, inherent in that, is our relationship with the Divine.

You relate to your mom with a phone call on Sundays. To your sweetie with a date night on Fridays. To your girlfriend with a tea date or a walk.

You must also relate to yourself with daily dates of silence and solitude. This is what I call “practice.” You decide when (I prefer first thing in the morning, some women prefer right before bed) and for how long (I prefer 30-60 minutes, some women start with 10).

Light a candle. Partner it with a flower or a picture of a person you love and admire. Sit down on the floor or in a chair. Set a timer. Close  the door. Then your eyes. Feel your breath. Don’t try to do anything or go anywhere. Listen to the sounds around you and the thoughts in your head. Feel the sensations in your body and the texture of your emotions. Be curious about what it’s like to  be you—in your life—right now. Sit and be as you are. That’s it.

Don’t go a single day without doing this.

Transformation, wisdom, and the answers you’re really looking for aren’t here. They’re in the insights that bubble up inside of you when you carve out regular pockets of silence, solitude, and practice.

Stop seeking. Stop running. Sit and be with yourself.

 Go practice.

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If you need more support with your home practice, my Women’s Meditation Kit can help.

You can also sign up here to receive notifications for an online group I’ll be leading this winter/spring, “30 Days to Superwoman,” to deepen or start a home practice in a community of like-minded women.

Go to a yoga class during your lunch break. Especially if you think you have too much work to do.

Set your alarm 30 minutes earlier to meditate.

Dust off your juicer and use it.

What don’t you want to do?

Do it anyway.

Go to sleep earlier. Because you know you always feel better when you do.

Make that phone call you’ve been dreading.

Flirt with the barista when you’re in a bad mood.

Track your expenses like you said you wanted to (but never do).

Make a budget and stick to it, like you said you wanted to (but never did).

Do it because you don’t feel like.

Ecstasy lies just on the other side of your

resistance.

Throw yourself over that line (which feels like a wall) and find out for yourself.

You’ll feel so much better when you do. 

Do all the errands you’ve been meaning to do–in one day.

Clean out your refrigerator (because it’s gross).

Write your book proposal. A poem. A thank you note to your mom.

Passionately kiss your boyfriend (or girlfriend, or husband, or wife) when you’d rather yell or crawl into a dark hole.

Wash and blow dry your hair. Put on some make-up and an outfit that makes you feel really good. For no reason.

Take a nap because you’re tired.

Tell the truth about what you really want and need. Then go do it. 

Don’t want to?

Do it anyway.

Stop making excuses.

Stop betraying yourself. 

That’s discipline.

And ecstasy. 

Go claim it. 

A Tele-Gathering with Harvard-trained Integrative MD, Dr. Sara Gottfried

Tuesday, January 10

11:30am-12:30pm PDT/ 12:30pm-1:30pm MST/ 1:30pm-2:30pm CST/ 2:30pm-3:30pm EST

Or Check Your Timezone Here

(If you can’t make the call live, not to worry, I’ll e-mail the MP3 out to you after the call to listen again on your own time.)

It’s a New Year. But are you depleted? Burned out? Gaining weight over the holidays? Asexual? How much is it worth for you to shift in 2012 to vital, sexy & fulfilled again?

According to Traditional Chinese Medicine, winter is the season to replenish our kidneys (and our adrenals). Due to the unavoidable hectic pace that most of us live at, we’re all walking around with some degree of  adrenal burn-out or fatigue. The results of this can be weight gain, low libido, and overall negativity. This is a topic I talk extensively about in my book, that I have lived with to some degree or another in the past, and that I feel is important for all of us to address.

Why? Because adrenal insufficiency is the most common hormonal imbalance in women. When you address it head-on, you address a whole slew of other imbalances.

Here’s the Harvard-approved list of symptoms that indicate adrenal burn out:

• Anxiety, especially in stressful situations
• Moodiness
• Emotional instability or excessive emotions
• Frequent screaming or yelling
• Confusion, difficulty with focus, under stress
• Poor resilience to stress – stress feels too much or unfair
• Excessive sensitivity to human suffering
• Irritability
• Negativisim
• Feeling of victimhood
• Accusatory (more common in men) or quarrelsome
• Sharp, verbal retorts
• Energy: fatigue, especially under stress
• Skin: inflamed such as with rashes, eczema or psoriasis
• Autoimmune: predisposed to Hashimoto’s or connective tissue disease
• Food: sugar cravings, intense hunger, salty food cravings

 

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Dr. Sara will share simple, practical ways to get vitalized in 2012 by reseting your libido, jump starting your hormones, balancing your blood sugar, and attuning to and respecting your body’s messages. This is down-to-earth wisdom that will serve you for the rest of 2012 and beyond!

{FEM} Power Hours are monthly tele-gatherings where you can get inspired, educated, and more lit up in a community of really cool women! Each month I’ll interview a female luminary and then you’ll get a chance to ask us questions (via phone or e-mail). These calls are open to the public; but only Red Tent members have access to the MP3.

I’m in a very in-between inner place right now–back from a week-long silent retreat, followed by a week on the beach in Miami, and getting ready for 2012 to zoom me forward come Monday.

I have so much to share with you about what I’ve been living–in the “real world” and on retreat. Instead of trying to figure out how or when to do that, I’ll simply start. The older I get, the more I realize I need to approach life like I do standing in front of a cold body of water. It’s better not to think about. Just run in and dive under.

I’ve spent the past week doing a “Year-End Review.” I started this tradition last year: each morning for five days in a row (usually Dec. 26-Dec. 31) I write the answers to these questions in my journal for about 1 hour. Instead of keeping some of the findings to myself, I want to share them with all of you. (I recommend that you also check out the questions in The Year End Review–they’re very evocative and clarifying).

Each year brings its share of the good, the bad, and the ugly. Failures and triumphs. The moments I want to remember forever and those I wish I could forget. It’s funny, though, because as I wrote them down here now, I see the perfection in all of them. I’m grateful for every single thing that happened and who they  have made me into right now. Although I’ve had a lot of outer successes this year, inwardly I’ve faced some big demons and dragons. I’ve had to call on all aspects of myself to keep opening, keep opening, keep opening. Now, at the dawn of a New Year, I realize how much I respect, love, and trust myself.  I’m more enamored by Life now than ever before. What more can a woman ask for?

Thanks so much for being a part of this community and for coming along with me on my journey. I’m excited for what 2012 will bring for me and for us all–the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Feel free to share your own findings after your own review in the comment section below.

I love you!

2011 Review

1. Closed my (13-year-long) Thailand chapter and said goodbye to Chiang Mai until…??

2. Started eating meat again, following the guidance of a trusted Taoist nutritionist.

3. Fell in love…with myself!

4. Immediately after that, I fell in love with the man I’ve been searching lifetimes for. Coincidence?

5. Moved into a new home (after lots of karma-clearing and unexpected bumping around).

6. Shot a 5-minute film about who I am and what I do (and a shorter 1-minute book trailer).

7. Had an edgy photo shoot to draw out my sexy, sultry side.

8. Launched a new website and renovated my old one.

9. PUBLISHED MY FIRST BOOK!!!!!!!!! It soared to #1 at the Boulder Bookstore for two months and #1 on Amazon in the “Yoga” and “Women’s Health” categories.

10. Launched the video version of my Women’s Yoga Kit.

11. Created & launched my Women’s Meditation Kit.

12. Went on a fun (and grueling) book tour to Kripalu, Connecticut, New York City, Boulder, Denver, San Francisco, Ashland, Portland, Seattle, Vancouver, and Chicago. Participated in countless podcast, radio, blog, and newspaper interviews over the past 8 months.

13. Taught at Kripalu for the first time.

14. Gave my first book “talk”–a performance crafted from a Transformational Speaking intensive I did last year in Santa Fe.

13. Was on TV for the first time…(six times!)

14.  Decompressed from my book tour and went on vacation with my family on Lake Michigan.

15. Went on a silent Buddhist meditation retreat in southern Colorado for a week. Ahhhh.

16. Burning Man!!! A true rite of passage, I gave birth to a whole new part of myself.

17. Said goodbye to an old, trusted assistant. Found a new one. Then another new one. Continued to learn how to be a better boss and manager and to run an efficient and conscious business.

18. Launched The Red Tent online women’s community.

19. Launched my Embodied Heart 1-on-1 Mentoring.

20. Welcomed my niece, Hattie, into the world. You’re an angel, Hattie!

21. Deepened my commitment to my spiritual practice…as a woman…and my relationship with my teacher.

22. Faced criticism publicly and learned a whole new dimension of what it means to “put myself out there.”

23. Became an avid p90X-er and got into great shape.

24. Had some of the biggest insights and energetic openings of my life.

25. Went on my first 1-week silent, solitary retreat in the mountains of Colorado.

26. Got the idea for my next book….

27. Started a women’s circle.

28. Practiced the art of letting go, having more fun, and taking myself less seriously.

29. Taught at Shambhala Mountain Center for the first time.

30. Bought a season ski pass and skied for the first time in 7 years (and loved it)!

31. Learned how to OM.

32. Found out my book will be published in Chinese!

33. Launched my Women’s Circle Start Up Kit.

34. Worked with two business coaches.

2012 Here I Come….

1. Get more disciplined about posting journal entries here (about once a week).

2. Publish my newsletter more consistently (about once a month).

3. Continue to be a better boss and manager and to run an efficient, profitable, and fun business.

4. Hire more great, reliable people to help me run my business.

5. Offer more live workshops, mini-retreats, and inspirational talks around the U.S. (and world). TEACH, SPEAK, WRITE, INSPIRE!

6. Expand my Red Tent program.

7. Start teaching classes and mini-retreats locally in Boulder.

8. Deepen my relationship with my man.

9. Continue to have lots of incredible sex with him.

10. Deepen my relationships with my friends, family, and women’s circle.

11. Offer more online programs.

12. Expand my mentoring program.

13. Teach my first The Way of the Happy Woman Teacher Training–first in Copenhagen and then at Kripalu!

14. Go on at least two silent meditation retreats.

15. Take at least one vacation.

16. Have a blast at my baby sister’s wedding!

17. Enjoy my ski pass fully this season.

18. Play with my niece and nephew as much as possible.

19. Deepen my yoga and meditation/prayer practices as well as my relationship with my teacher.

20. Ride my sister’s horse.

21. Go to the ballet.

22. Buy a motorcycle!

23.  Doubt myself less. Trust myself more.

24. Play, laugh, dance.

25. Buy more fishnet stockings and lingerie.

26. Work with a new business mentor or coach.

27. Keep growing my hair out really long and goddess-y.

28. Keep showing up, keep opening my heart, keep loving until it hurts, keep growing, keep going.  No matter what.

Your turn!

At first I thought her talk was just going to be about why it’s important for women to speak up and find their voices (as if that wouldn’t be enough to talk about!); but I was especially captivated when she reframed women’s fear as our real power and then spoke about why we absolutely need to stop our incessant comparison and competition with other women.

After watching the video I was inspired to write this journal entry. The video of her talk is at the end.

-—————————————————————————————————

A few weeks ago I met with a mentoring client (let’s call her Leslie) on Skype.

She was launching her own business and wanted to strengthen her entrepreneurial muscles while also building her self-esteem.

“I feel really exposed and ashamed to say this,” she said, “but I always compare myself to other women and it paralyzes me. Women who are making things happen, sending out newsletters with their latest products and programs, posting exciting things about their lives on facebook. It makes me feel worse about myself, like I’m a loser and doing something wrong because I’m not as successful as they are.”

She started to cry. And then she added, “And, I’m embarrassed to say it, but I compare myself a lot to…. you.”

Silence.

I took a deep breath. And then another.

Inside I both laughed and grimaced–not at her, but at the irony in her words.

“Leslie, don’t you get it?,” I responded,  ”The only way that I can sit here now and talk to you about these things is because I have felt that way before and I continue to feel that way sometimes. I’m in it, too.“

“Really?” she asked incredulously.

“Really,” I answered, emphatically.

And, don’t you get it now, too?

There’s no final point of “arriving” where you feel completely confident and comfortable in your own skin. There are always moments of feeling fully in your shine and moments when you feel consumed by your shadow. And then of course, there are lots of moments in-between the two.

As long as you’re growing, the discomfort, fear, anxiety, and uncertainty never end. In fact, they only escalate as the stakes get higher and higher.

But how we relate to those expansions and contractions can and should change, right along with us.

For how many hours today have you been surfing the Internet, comparing yourself to other women, and then inwardly berating yourself  for not being as successful, smart, thin, sexy, beautiful, wealthy, popular, witty as they are?

Me? I’ve been at it for about an hour. And it really sucks.

Plus, I’ve done it for more hours than I care to admit in my lifetime. And I’m fed up with it. Really fed up with it. That’s why I’m sitting down to write this now.

I’m working it: I’m turning my contraction into an expansion. Even when I don’t feel like it. Especially when I don’t feel like it.

On days—or stretches of weeks or even months—when you’re feeling especially down/lonely/unattractive, the desire to web surf and viciously compare will crescendo.

It’s an addiction. The more you do it, the worse it makes you feel.

So stop it. Now.

Power down your computer.  If you need to write, disconnect from the Internet.

Choose to do something energizing. Empowering. Something to inspire your own genius rather than weigh it against someone else’s.

So, what are you still doing here? Get offline and get back into your life. It’s not as bad as you think. It’s actually quite beautiful. Out there. In there. Your World. You’ll see.

And here’s that video from KC:

To finish things off, she teaches you how to sculpt sultry, red lips. This one was an edge for me. Not sure I have the guts to pull it off in “real life.” What about you??

For the full back story on why I’m offering this 4-part series, read the last two posts here and here.

(If you’re reading this through an e-mail, please click on the title above to be able to watch the video!)

About Jessica: 

Jessica Licata was born and raised in Seattle, WA; and even as a little girl she had a love for makeup and all things beautiful. Going to beauty school in high school, Jessica started out by adorning herself and her friends. In the process she realized the power of makeup and the transformative qualities it holds. Over the years, her reputation as a makeup artist and stylist has continued to grow. Her work has appeared in web, print, film, TV programs like Food Network Challenge, Last Cake Standing, DIY’s Rescue Renovation, Dish Network, and National Geographic. Now based in Boulder, CO, Jessica continues to show women what goddesses they can be with a few swipes of a makeup brush.

Today she teaches you how to transition from a “natural eye” to a dark, smokey eye for the evening (made me feel like the Black Swan). Perfect for holiday shindigs or a sexy night out!

For the full back story on why I’m offering this 4-part series, read the last two posts here and here.

(If you’re reading this through an e-mail, please click on the title above to be able to watch the video!)

Some of you voiced concerns about a couple of points in the last video. Here are my responses:

• Shaky camera: yes, I know it’s a ghetto video. Excuse the shaking! That’s what happens with a Flip Camera + yoga block + dining room table + makeup strewn all over the dining room table.
• Not using “natural” makeup: When I first started working with Jessica, I voiced my concerns over using commercial brands of makeup with some toxic ingredients. She has done makeup for TV and countless photo shoots. She also lives in the “green” capital of the world, Boulder, CO. She has not found a natural brand of makeup that works well (especially for in front of the camera). If you do know of good brands, please feel free to share in the comments below. We’d love to know! 

with world-renowned yoga instructor, Elena Brower

When: Thursday, December 8; 11:30am MST (1p:30am PDT/ 1:30pm EST). Check your timezone here.

Where: Wherever you happen to be! (Via webcast, phone, or Skype).  Can’t make the call live? You’ll get the mp3 of the recording afterewards!

What: {FEM} Power Hours are monthly calls for all Red Tent members. They are a place where you can get inspired, educated, and more turned on in a community of really cool women! Each month I’ll interview a female luminary and then you’ll get a chance to ask us questions (via phone or e-mail).

A few times in our lives, if we cultivate the conditions, we are presented with people who challenge us, who defy us in unexpected ways, who teach us, who give to us expecting nothing in return. These are always uncomfortable, disruptive moments; yet they open the door to our deepest freedom. In this interview we will touch upon some of Elena’s personal examples of those challenges and teachers, how she’s created the conditions for her own optimal (and sometimes not-so-optimal) responses, and how she’s learned how to give – of her understandings, her heart and her resources – in order to truly receive, and, in turn, to become the remarkable woman that she is today!

During this month’s {FEM} Power Hour with Elena, you will learn:

• How to know which challenges will propel you forward (and which will hold you back).
• When to listen and when to speak up.
• Why giving to others (in the form of energy, resources, forgiveness, and understanding) opens us up to receive more abundance.
• What conditions you need to put into place in your own life to be a remarkable woman.

• About Elena Brower
  Founder and co-owner of Virayoga in New York City, Elena’s 14 years of teaching yields a distinct blend of yoga and healing traditions. Her voice reveals the day-to-day relevance of the practices, via artful alignment and attention cues intended to situate us consistently in our hearts. From the Museum of Modern Art to the Great Lawn at Central Park in New York; from the playa at Burning Man to the Eiffel Tower in Paris, she is honoured to offer larger-scale experiences of yoga, but Elena’s true service is in shifting awareness within the smallest interactions; one family, one household at a time. She’s been featured in the New York Times, Yoga Journal, Natural Living, the Element Yoga for Beginners DVD series, FitYoga, ABC News, NBC News and is the voice for Deepak Chopra’s groundbreaking video game LEELA, which blends meditation with game play. Elena is also the Executive Producer of ON MEDITATION, a series of edifying, inspirational shorts on the reality of meditation, to be released in 2012. Elena’s recently developed an essential oil blend called GIVE  that proudly benefits her favorite global cause, Women For Women International. Current classes can be enjoyed onYogaglo.com.