Kermit the Frog has a very distinctive voice. So does Miss Piggy, Fozzy Bear, Gonzo and the rest of the Muppet crew. Personally, I wouldn’t want to sound like any of them. (I may have Gonzo’s nose, but that’s a different matter.) It’s possible to alter your speaking voice to a certain extent – you can alter your general tone, and certainly improve or remove an accent you may not like – but what most people are trying to do here is to make their voice less distinctive.

I’m shooting from the hip when I say this (what’s new?), but I suspect that many writers often try to do the opposite. They worry unduly that there is nothing that makes them stand out from the crowd, and they think that they can rectify that by creating a writer’s voice.

This is fine if you naturally fall into a certain rhythm or style of writing, but it can be a problem if you have to force it. That’s the equivalent of you adopting an accent you’re not very good at and hoping people will take you seriously.

Two writers who spring to mind who have distinctive voices are Stephen King and Elmore Leonard. Once you’ve read a bit of King it would be practically impossible not to recognise his work from a couple of random paragraphs. He writes as he might speak, seemingly letting his words fall from his brain in whatever order they manifest themselves, then he adds afterthoughts in parentheses where you or I might think we should rewrite to make it all flow better. Part of his voice derives from what he terms “Skull Cinema” – his ability to see everything he writes as though he’s watching a movie in his head. Personally, I think it works; when I finish a Stephen King novel I’ve already seen the movie, and, apart from Misery, Hollywood’s interpretations have always been a terrible disappointment by comparison.

Just remember that the man’s a genius and his name and reputation afford him the ultimate artistic licence.

As for Elmore Leonard, he writes in his Elmore Leonard’s Ten Rules of Writing: “My most important rule is one that sums up the 10: If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it.” Here then is a writer who is very consciously aware that he wants his own voice, and he would seem to be openly admitting that the end result is occasionally contrived with this aim in mind. Just occasionally, I think he tries too hard. Hey, who am I to criticise, right?

What I’m trying to say is that you and I cannot afford to try too hard. You could spend an hour on one sentence just to give it a “voice” that a lot of people may actually find pretty grating.

I was given a piece of advice by my first acting teacher – the guy who coached me for my successful RADA audition back in 1987. When I was desperately looking for an unusual audition piece to stand out from the crowd, he said, “Mark, you don’t have to be different to be good; being good is different enough”.

You don’t need a writer’s voice to succeed. You just need to have something interesting to say, and you need to say it well.

A Freelance Writer Needs To Be:

• Flexible – There are going to be a lot of times that you think a project will go a certain way and all of a sudden you’re making lots of left turns all over the place. You have to zig when sometimes you were certain a zag was in the equation.
• Diverse – You need to be able to take on a wide range of writing assignments. Limiting yourself limits your income. One of the best (and most fun) assignments I ever did was naming and writing product descriptions for a line of all natural lip glosses marketed towards teenage girls. I use artificial lip gloss, with plenty of preservatives. 
• Thick – No, not in the head – in the skin. Sometimes a client is going to eat your writing and spit it back at you.  You need to be prepared for this eventuality and not let your undergarments become tangled. It happens.  Work to find the root cause of the issue and give the client what they want.
• Driven – This is hard work. Very hard. You are going to be paid by clients who are counting on your work.  Taking a few days off just because you feel like it is an option only on rare occasions.
• A good writer – Not an exceptional one necessarily. And certainly not a perfect one. But you had better be able to write in a way that will make people want to read what you have written. As well, don’t lay awake at night worrying about perfect grammar. Do your best and understand that the more practice you get, the more your grammar will fall in line.
• Business savvy – Freelance writing is a business and you better understand at least the rudiments for owning and operating a business. There are licenses, taxes and government forms. There are marketing plans and bank accounts that need tended. Ignore this part of freelance writing and your business could sink, or worse.
• People friendly – If you decided to get into freelance writing so you wouldn’t have to deal with people, then you’ve made a mistake. This is all about people. You will have to deal with all types of personalities regarding a wide variety of issues. You need to be able to put on a friendly face and make things happen. Of course you do get the option of throwing foam bricks at the monitor and waving an extended digit at the computer, but when you tap the keys, you better be nice as pie.

These are a foundation for your success. There are other helpful traits as well. What are your thoughts? Are there any other indispensable traits worth mentioning?

Posted by: George  (There is some snarkiness in the post, I didn’t want folks giving credit to Marky-poo on this one)

Image from: uconn.edu

Talk to anyone in sales and they will all tell you the same little piece of ancient wisdom:  It’s a numbers game. No surprise here, but if you’re a freelance writer you’re in sales. This is an excellent time of year to dive in and have a look at those little beasties. Reviewing your numbers helps you to identify any gaps there may be in your marketing efforts.  In general, having a good look at your numbers will help you to set up how you do things in the new year, on a new day.

Look at these numbers

• Google Analytics – Assuming you have a web site with a blog, your first stop in the numbers game should be at your Google Analytics page. Most of us head on over and have a peek at these numbers on a fairly regular basis, but often times we look at the unique views and we move on. There is so much more to see. You want to take as much time as necessary to review all of the metrics and think about what they mean. Where are your viewers coming from? How long do they stay? Which page do they land on and which page do they leave from? What posts draw the most traffic for you and what similarities are present between them? Are the trends moving up or moving down? The answers to these questions should drive how you structure things in the future.
• Marketing – Other than the web site analytics, how are your marketing efforts holding up? Look at the amount of money you spent advertising and what income was derived from those efforts. Is your print advertising working or do you need to consider focusing your efforts in a different medium? Do you know which medium is responsible for bringing each of your clients over the past year? These are important questions. If your marketing budget is as limited as it is for most of us other freelancers, you can nigh afford to be wasteful in your efforts.
• Financials – Dealing with the financial records is my absolute least favorite part of having a freelance business. If I wanted to look at financial data, I would have become a dad-blamed account. Okay, now that I have that out of my system, I have to tell you that there really is no choice in the matter. Chances are at some point in the near future you will need to inform the government of all the loot you hauled in and what your cost was to haul in the said loot. Hopefully you kept things organized enough to easily find these documents. As well, if you were a very good girl or boy, you kept track electronically so that you could have a short look at your spreadsheets from time to time.

Freelancing by the numbers is not necessarily difficult. It’s a matter of taking the time to have a look at the numbers and adjusting your course based on your interpretation of the results. The other important point is that the numbers game should be played on a regular basis throughout the course of the year – not just at year end.

Posted by:  George

No comment!

Mark Pepper:

I should say from the outset that I am playing Devil’s Advocate here, as Tumblemoose was in our last duel. I feel it necessary to point this out as, otherwise, people might think I don’t want them commenting on my blog posts, which I do. Having said that, there are two sides to every argument, and here are my reasons why comments should not be allowed on blogs.

There is no certificate system to visit web sites, as there is with feature films at the cinema or with DVDs. I know you can have your internet security suite tell you when one may be dodgy, but that does not stop you visiting them, it only tells you they may be problematic.

This means that anyone with an interest in writing may happen upon my blog posts and comment on them. They have not been restricted based on their ability to say anything even slightly relevant or interesting; they have not been assessed for IQ; they have not been assessed to make certain they are not, what’s the phrase I’m after? … utterly insane.

When people do comment, you’re in a dilemma. Do you always reply to everyone? If you have ten comments and each reply sets off another comment, you’ll never get away from your computer. Do you just reply once and say thanks to everyone and give the impression you can’t be arsed? Or do you reply to a few that really strike a chord, and leave the others feeling possibly miffed at being snubbed? Let’s face it, some people leave odd comments.

“Great post. I have a cat called Timothy.”

WHAT? I never mentioned cats. Or the name Timothy. “Thanks, I don’t like cats, but I had a dog once called F**k Off. I could never get it to come back to me.”

Also … I struggle to find the time to blog, so where on earth do people find the time to comment on blogs? I think some of them may have too much time on their hands. They may be bored. They may be friendless. They could take a reply from me to mean I like them. This could lead to me being worshipped from afar (come on, I’m a very attractive man). Then they could track me down somehow. The next thing, I’m being stalked. I start receiving strange messages made from letters cut from newspaper headlines. Small deceased rodents start arriving in the post. I have to move house, leave the country. Then, one day, just as I think it’s all behind me, a little red dot appears on my jacket above my heart when I’m sitting in McDonald’s at Eagle River (that’s right, it’s so bad I had to move to Alaska). I think it must be some laser pen McDonald’s are (irresponsibly) giving away with their Happy Meals. But, no. I look through the window and can just make out my stalker sitting across the road in a battered VW camper van with a M82A1 SASR – Special Applications Scoped Rifle. (Wikipedia, folks.)

It could happen. All because there is no mechanism in place to prevent unsuitable individuals leaving comments on blogs.

I’m not being draconian. I’m not suggesting that all comments are disallowed. Some of mine would never pass muster and I would have to instantly bar myself from leaving any more. However, moronic as they appear, they were tainted by alcohol which caused only a temporary reduction in my IQ.

So here’s the plan …

Getting back to the whole film classification thing, I propose that a similar system be utilised for leaving blog comments. It can even use the identical classifications, although not quite in the same order. Whenever someone clicks on “Leave a Comment”, they are presented with an IQ test, the result of which will dictate whether or not they are allowed to say anything. The first three are passes, and comments will be graded as such so I don’t have to be bothered reading anything below the top grade if I’m not in the mood. The last three are fails, and these will cause a painful yet non-fatal electric shock to come back through the would-be commentator’s keyboard, warning them off ever trying again. I’m still working on the technology that would make this possible.

Comment Classification Grades:

PG – Perfect Genius

G – Great

R – Rational

NC 17 – No Comments (IQ 17 to 98). I’m kindly giving a little latitude with this, seeing as 100 is considered to be average IQ.

PG 13 – Please God! (IQ 13 and below). This does not mean that those with IQs of 14, 15, and 16 can leave comments. Hey, I’m working to pre-set classifications here.

So, there you have it, and it all makes perfect sense. I trust you will all agree with me on this, and I would be delighted to hear your comments.

What am I talking about? Of course I wouldn’t. You keep your comments to yourself, stalker.

In response, George Sez

I love comments.  I love commenting.  Putting up a new post is akin to hanging my stocking with care.  I wake up on that glorious morning to see it filled with all manner of goodies.  Oh, there’s a lump of coal in there now and then but overall it’s glitter, sunshine and rainbows.

Commenting is the best way to reach out and connect with your audience.  When comments are not allowed, readership is reduced to nothing but a number on a Google Analytics graph.  Blech.

When I first started blogging, I ended up at this site for a guy named Seth Godin.  It was cool and the post I read was comment-worthy.  Hey, wait a minute.  Where is the durned comment button?  Wha?  No commenting allowed?  I am so done with you, Sethy-poo.  I’ve not been back since.  Not my kind of community, thank you very much.

I love going to a blog with an active commenting community.  A lot of times the comments are more interesting than the original post.  I would put forth that this is what blogging is all about.  Does it take time?  Yes.  Commenting on other blogs and responding to blog comments is a tremendous time sucker.  No doubt about it.  is it worth the time and effort?  Absolutely.

Allow comments?  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Image from: Sheknows.com

Now that Christmas has passed, prepare yourself for the annual onslaught of posts about how to make your 2010 your mostest awesomest year ever. I won’t deny that there can be some pretty good perspectives out there on how to make things better for yourself. With that said, I do get a case of the ho-hums, yadda-yadda-yadda, yawns when these start rolling around.

Let’s look at this idea of what to do in a new year from a little different perspective.

Twelve months is a darned long time. If I recall, it’s like, what – a year? Thinking about doing anything for a year can create a case of the overwhelmeds. My advice? Don’t do it. Don’t even go there. I’m advocating consideration of a New Day’s Resolution.

Your New Day’s Resolution

You don’t really have a year to do things differently or to make changes in your freelancing life. You have a day. That would be the day sitting in front of you, right now. The future never really arrives, does it? Since you are always in the present moment, the goal is to make each of these present moments count towards making a difference, making the needed changes.

If you feel the need this time of year to sit down and write resolutions or goals, then that’s ok. Do it. The change you need to make is in the implementation. As you begin your writing day, keep in mind that you just need to do your best for this one day. Heck, for only eight hours. I can do darn near anything for eight hours.

You can do this. Here are some suggestions for your New Day’s Resolutions:

• Resolve to only put your very best writing forward. Quality above reproach. Resolve this not only for your clients, but for the writing you do for yourself.
• Resolve to complete as many projects as you can today. Today is all you have, so get those projects done.
• Resolve to do one thing today to get more clients. It doesn’t need to be a big thing. Spending an hour commenting on writing or freelance blogs could get your name out there enough to land a new client.
• Resolve to contact one previous client and thank them for their business.
• Resolve to take a look at your numbers today. Google Analytics, current rate structure, marketing budget, whatever.
• Resolve to do any one thing a little differently from what you have in the past. Do you always check your email first thing in the morning? Wait until noon. Do you write your blog posts in a straightforward  – intro, body, conclusion – manner? Write your next one as a story – with a character.

The possibilities and choices are nearly endless. View these resolutions not as tasks, but as ways to break free. Look at them as opportunities to be a brand new you, every day. And remember, you only need to do these things for one day.

So, let me take this chance to wish you all a very Happy New Day!

Posted by:  George

One of these days, I will walk into a burger bar and start a conversation thus:

“Good evening, might I enquire as to whether you are the proprietor of this fine establishment?”

“Yeah, what can I get you?”

“We shall come to that – first things first. I have been perusing your menu board and I have some questions regarding the incomplete sentences thereupon.”

“What?”

“Firstly, what is your cheeseburger?”

“Uh … it’s a cheeseburger.”

“You misunderstand. It says ‘Cheeseburger is’. Cheeseburger is what? Or perhaps you sincerely do mean ‘Cheeseburger’s’, in which case I would like to enquire exactly what is belonging to said cheeseburger.”

“Do you get punched a lot?”

“It has happened. Moving onto your ‘Fish & Chip is’, or perhaps there is something that is belonging to the chip that you have also failed to mention on your board due to restrictions of space.”

“It’s fish and chips, dickhead.”

“You mean I get more than the one chip advertised?”

“Do you want some food or not?”

“What about your ‘Pizza is’? In fact, by the look of that one in your oven, I think you wanted to say ‘Pizza’s burned’.”

“Shit … please just go away.”

“No problem, customer’s leaving. And by that I mean that I, a singular customer, am leaving.”

Really, what is the problem with apostrophes? What is so difficult to understand? They are used possessively or to replace a missing letter. End of story. I know I’m coming across as a pedant (again, yawn), but this is unacceptable. I think anyone unable to use apostrophes should be shot. Obviously in some non-fatal place about their person – I don’t want to get too heavy about this.

How many times have you seen menu boards that list “burger’s” and “pizza’s”, etc, or ads for “hundreds of bargain’s”? What criteria do these people use? They’re not even consistently wrong about it. Some plural words get an apostrophe, some don’t. Surely “hundreds” should also have an apostrophe.

I’m wondering why the sign writers/makers don’t alert their customers to their mistakes. Do they also not know proper grammar, or do they just not think it’s any of their business to point it out?

A couple of the worst examples I’ve seen were on trucks when I was living in the UK. One was a pick-up truck owned by a builder who confidently assured the public: “All aspect’s of construction work undertaken”. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhggg. Then there’s the catering firm that emblazons “The Caterer’s” all over its fleet of trucks. Yes, The Caterer is crap at grammar.

The most confusing, therefore possibly forgivable, has got to be its/it’s. Because “its” is possessive, it may seem appropriate to stick an apostrophe in. But, following that logic, you would also have to say “hi’s book”.

This problem does not exist in Spain because they don’t use apostrophes. I believe Franco grew so tired of shooting people who couldn’t use them that he banned them. Where we say “that’s my car”, the Spanish say “that is the car of mine”; “his father’s house” is “the house of his father”; “Mark’s an annoying pedant” is “Mark is an annoying pedant”. This is a much better system, and I would like to see it imposed, by law, on anyone proven to be using apostrophes poorly (prior to them being shot if all else fails). It should also apply to their spoken language, so they would have to say: “The new rule of Mark … it is not a fair rule and I do not like it”. Hopefully, they’d be so embarrassed at sounding like someone from the nineteenth century that they would learn all there is to know about apostrophes.

Jeez, I’m glad I got that off my che’st. Thank’s for reading thi’s and I think I might have a few beer’s now.

Well, everyone, it’s 2010, so a Happy New Year to you all. I trust you’ve made some powerful resolutions and you are now looking forward to a prosperous year ahead.

Unfortunately, nothing is going to change just because the clock hands have ticked over into another year. If you are expecting 2010 to bring good things when 2009 might have come up short, that’s only going to happen if you do something about it. The New Year is purely symbolic – at least I’m hoping that’s the case with what the Mayans have predicted for 2012.

It is, however, an excellent time to take stock. In terms of your writing, what have you achieved in the past year? Personally, my creative writing (I use the term very loosely) has consisted of these blogs. If that seems pretty lame, so be it; I’ve enjoyed writing these a lot more than I enjoyed writing the novels.

Easily Pleased

So, what does my achievement actually consist of? Half a dozen blogs over the past three or four months? And you’re thinking: What? And he’s happy with that?

Yup.

It depends on how you take stock. Nowadays, the definition of success for my writing is enjoyment. You may define your writing according to a word count, a page count, chapters completed, whether you finally managed to find the time to complete your beloved writing project, or whether you got interest from an agent or publisher.

All of that’s perfectly valid, but I believe the key to success in your writing is how you feel about it. Have you enjoyed what you’ve done, or have you allowed a lack of forward movement to ruin the whole affair? Or have you experienced success but been so stressed getting there that you lost your sense of fun?

Remember that there are very few writers who can devote endless and uninterrupted hours to their writing. If that sounds like heaven, think about it: would you really want to have so little else in your life that all you can do is write?

For those of you who have been scribbling creatively for years, especially with a view to getting published, you know what it’s like to have a love-hate relationship with your writing. It’s a dysfunctional relationship full of frustrations.

Happier New Year

This year, how about changing your perspective? I’m not suggesting backing off or giving up. I would never suggest that, and I hope I have not been misconstrued these past months when I may have seemed a bit “down” on ambition.

It is the form your ambition takes that matters. Does it fire you up and make you more fun to be around, or does it fill you with angst at what might have been and what could still be but you fear probably won’t?

You have to enjoy your writing, no matter whether you “succeed” or “fail”. These are labels plonked on you by society. Are you a success because you have a hit U.S. sitcom under your belt, a novel accepted by an agent, or a screenplay in pre-production? This may make you a successful writer, but how has your personal life been affected? Life is full of trade-offs.

It’s not about being unambitious, it’s about enjoying the challenge it poses. It’s about going for it with a smile on your face whilst not having any expectation that the results will be favourable. It means forgetting all notions of what you think you “deserve” in life.

Great Enthusiasms

I’ll leave you with a favourite piece of mine, by Theodore Roosevelt. I imagine it is in reference to battle, but it has a powerful message you can apply to every aspect of your life, from career through to love. I hope it strikes a chord.

“It is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, if he wins, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

Enjoy 2010, everyone. Have fun writing.

I’m not sure about journal-writing. I don’t mean the type where you understandably record your amazing adventures in some awesome profession or when you document a trip to foreign lands; I mean the sort that is just between you and your diary about your everyday activities. You know what I mean:

“Dear Diary,

Hello. How are you? I’m fab, thanks for asking. Well! What a day! Got up early this morning because I had to wee-wee. Went back to bed. Then got up late and went to work. Boss told me off so I put printer ink in his coffee – Café Amerinkano. Did some work. I’m better than this. I could be President of the United States. Or Robert DeNiro. Obviously he would have to die first. Ate lunch. Did some more work. (Didn’t really – just pretended, tee hee.) Went home. Package finally arrived by UPS. Still waiting for the bullets. Ate dinner. Went to bed. Toilet first. (Always try and get that in the right order.) Love you, Diary … What’s that? You love me, too? Good. Nighty night.”

Yeah, scary stuff. Have a look on Amazon – where you can buy a writing journal. At the bottom it says: “People who this product also bought … a Kalashnikov.”

Frankly, I’m worried. Okay, I’m not really, I made that last bit up. Actually, I’ve dabbled with journal-writing once or twice myself, I’m just not sure why. I’m not some famous bod who needs to record my life story for a forthcoming autobiography (though Lord knows I tried). Neither do I need to perform a little written self-analysis because I’m screwed in the head. I’m not saying I’m not screwed in the head; I’m saying I don’t need to write it down to know it. You’d have to be pretty self-unaware to get your first inkling about your mental state from writing it down.

“Dear Diary, I drank a bottle of Vodka today whilst crying my eyes out teetering on the ledge outside my apartment which is twenty floors above the street. I’m not sure wh- …”

Holy crap, I’m depressed!

There are three types of journal-writing. The first two have already been mentioned: Numero Uno is where you simply have to record your adventures in life because they are too interesting not to; Numero Dos is where you really don’t have to record your adventures in life because they’re not adventures at all; and then there’s fascinating Numero Tres.

Numero Tres is journal-writing that is creative writing in disguise. You may not even be aware you are really creating anything, although it may be far more powerful than much of what you will find on bookstore shelves. This is the creative writing that comes from the heart, completely unfettered and unedited, free from the pressures that are exerted by accepted notions of right and wrong, good and bad. This is where a personal style can be honed; your writer’s voice. Private scribbling is thus a potentially invaluable tool for any writer, no matter what stage they are at. The fact that it is not intended to see the light of day is irrelevant. It matters because it is creative, and that is reason enough.

Yet I return again to the writing that serves as your own personal psychoanalyst, and I still have my doubts. I accept that writing your problems down can order your thoughts and feelings, but it can also cause immense frustrations. As much as you can throw light on certain problems, I’m not sure that writing of this sort brings any lasting peace. It’s like discovering the reason for the headaches you’ve been suffering for years, and finding out there’s zip-all you can do about them because it’s a malignancy deep within the brain. Knowing what the problem is does not necessarily mean you can fix it.

The danger is that you become so convinced that your writing is helping that you don’t actually take any steps to put things right. You think the simple physical act of writing will work the oracle on its own, when it doesn’t. I spoke in an earlier blog about how writing to get published can skew what’s truly important in life, and I suspect the same applies here. I love writing, but I think there’s too much importance placed on how it can change your world, personally and professionally.

I believe you should be writing for one of two reasons: firstly, because you love it; it’s your fix and it makes you happy. Secondly, because it pays the bills. Asking any more from your writing – to make you rich and famous or to cure your personal problems – is likely to lead to chronic disappointment.

Gotta go, that’s the doorbell. Oh, good: UPS.

From: http://www.endpoint-security.info/2008/09/29/playing-hide-and-seek-with-private-records/

As a freelance writer, sometimes it feels like you’ve been inserted into some kind of freakish, twisted game of hide and go seek.  You’ve been asked to close your eyes and count to ten and now that your eyes are open, you can’t find a single one to drag back to home base. Wisdom moment:  the answer is in the name of the game:  Hide and Go Seek. That’s right. They’ve had plenty of time to hide and now your task as a freelance writer is to go seek.

Here are some places your clients are hiding, and quite a few of them are right under your nose:

• Friends and Family -  Make certain that every family member knows what you do and that each of them have several of your business cards. What’s that you say? You don’t have any business cards? Tsk tsk. Go get some. They are vitally important. Make certain your friends know what you do. These word of mouth referrals are pure gold.
• Twitter and Facebook – How active are you on these sites? Become active. Take the time to see how they work and make them part of your daily routine. Use Facebook to connect with old friends (see the bullet point above). Update your Twitter background with your contact information and boldly announce that you are a freelance writer. I have landed several golden jobs from my relationships on Twitter.
• Rotary and Toastmasters – The original social media groups. Becoming active in Rotary will expose you to dozens of potential clients that are local and have the ability to send your word of mouth advertising through the roof.
• Your place of worship – This is a great place to connect with folks who can spread the word about you and your services. Consider offering to write the newsletter for your church. Gratis goes a long way here, folks.
• Market Bulletin Boards – Get your flyer together and your business cards. Head to local markets and check with the manager about putting a flyer up on the board. You would be amazed by how many people take the time to stop and peruse these little venues.
• Radio Advertising - If you have even a little budget, it is well worth a visit to a local radio station to check out an advertising scheme. It may be a lot less expensive than you think.
• Craigslist – If you’ve not put an ad out on your local Craigslist, you may well be missing out. It’s free and has huge potential. My highest paying freelance gig thus far was landed through an ad on Craigslist.

This list of ideas should get you started. This game of hide and seek can be tough, but it is winnable. It’s important for you to get away from your computer screen, stop worrying exclusively about SEO and go out and press some flesh. It is the equivilant to shouting, “Ollie, ollie, in come free!”

What rocks do YOU turn over to look for clients?

Posted by: George

This is a moot point if you are a jobbing writer who has deadlines to meet. No client will be interested if you tell them you haven’t started their project yet because you are still waiting for the Muse to join you in front of your computer. Freelance work dictates that you just get on with it. Unless you are ghost-writing someone’s turbulent and passionate life story, few clients will be looking for beautiful prose.

But what about that dirty little secret we all have? You know the one. It’s kept in the “Miscellaneous” folder, inside the “New” folder you have inside your “Other Stuff” folder. What about your personal projects, your … sshh, creative writing? How do we make sure we have what it takes on tap to make our creative writing creative?

We regret to announce the cancellation of your Muse

Muse n. Greek myth. Any one of nine sister goddesses, each of whom was regarded as the protectress of a different art or science.

The above definition is from the Collins English Dictionary. You may also like to know their names and what they do, so here they are:

• Calliope – muse of epic poetry
• Clio – muse of history
• Erato – muse of love poetry
• Euterpe – muse of music
• Melpomene – muse of tragedy
• Polyhymnia – muse of sacred poetry
• Terpsichore – muse of dance
• Thalia – muse of comedy
• Urania – muse of astronomy

A few things bother me here. Firstly, what if you get the wrong Muse? You sit down to write your thriller and Astronomy Muse shows up. Look, Urania, I don’t mean to be rude, but piss off. I had Terpsichore here yesterday pirouetting around the bloody room, knocking things over; I don’t need you dragging me to the window, not even to show me Uranus. Secondly, this is creative writing, so which Muse is actually fit for purpose? I suppose you could call on Melpomene or Thalia if you’re writing in those genres, but the rest are fairly useless. Thirdly, they’re a Greek myth, so they’re not real.

Of course, when we speak of the Muse, we just mean inspiration, but a lack of inspiration is usually down to a simple lack of planning.

Fail to plan, plan to fail (aka: PPPPPP)

You would be some sort of literary genius if you were able to sit down and write a publishable piece of work without any planning whatsoever. It may smash a few idealistic notions out there, but creative writing takes planning. Creativity does not exclude the necessity to organise. You can’t approach creative writing in a purely right-brained way. That may be where your great ideas and beautiful passions originate, but they need to be ordered. The sensible left side of your brain has to be involved.

We all know how our ideas can appear as if from nowhere. They spark and fizz and occasionally explode into our minds. It’s a fantastic feeling when it happens, but if you were to just sit down and start writing as they materialised, you’d end up with a proper muddle, like the personal journal of a mass murderer uncovered after their killing spree: moments of perfect lucidity and awesome insight gasping for air in a dense fug of rambling, maniacal prose.

If your ideas are good, give them a chance to thrive. The best thing you can do for your creative writing is not to write – not straight away. Organise what you want to say into bullet points, or jot your thoughts down on little cards and spend time ordering them so they make sense. Don’t be so impressed by your ideas that you believe they can stand on their own merits. If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, consider the issue of plotting.

Oh, PPPPPP? Proper Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance.

Plotting

By definition, the plot of a story takes time to formulate. If someone seems a little furtive and keeps themselves to themselves for a while, we might ask: “what are you plotting?” Guy Fawkes was not involved in the “Gunpowder Whim”. It was a plot; he planned it. Albeit not very well, hence the whole burning at the stake thing, but you get my point. Plotting, planning – they’re the same thing, and they take time.

Creative writing that contains any element of story-telling has to be plotted. This is the left-brain taking right-brain material and applying some intellect to it. You can’t skip this just because you’re oh-so-arty, luv. If you examine the biggest films ever made and the greatest blockbuster novels ever written, you will find that most of them adhere to an established story-telling formula. Almost to the page, in a 90-minute Hollywood movie where one script page equates to one minute of screen time, you will find major plot shifts that occur at page 30, and again at page 60. In between and around these, there are secondary and tertiary plot shifts and character realisations, all of which adhere to the set formula. If you’re unsure about this, consider that moment when the protagonist briefly behaves – or almost behaves – like the antagonist/nemesis, before pulling back and continuing on the path of righteousness. It’s a key moment and it’s nearly always there.

Novels work the same way, and require the same plotting to the same formula. Of course, you can try and buck the system and hope your writing is so strong, or High Concept so lofty, that those rules are negated, but you really won’t be doing yourself any favours if you’re looking at a commercial market as your ultimate goal.

And, yes, I know not everyone engaged in creative writing is involved in writing a novel, but that does not alter the need to plan whatever you write. If you want to let it all out first in some Virginia Woolf-like stream of consciousness, that’s okay, but you can’t leave it that way if you expect anyone else to honestly enjoy it. By all means splurge first from the right-brain, but then let the left-brain have a tinker. It knows what it’s doing.

Writer’s Block

Finally, a word on writer’s block. This is such a tired old cliché. There are plenty of blocks to writing – they’re all the other things that go on in life that keep you from sitting down at your computer – but please don’t bore me with the writer’s block excuse once you GET the time to write.

Imagine hearing this over the tannoy at 33,000 feet: “Sorry, ladies and gentleman, I’ve just developed some really awful pilot’s block. I just can’t seem to fly today. It’s all gone out of my head. Co-pilot feels exactly the same. We’re going to light a joss stick – see if that helps. You’ll soon know if it doesn’t.”

Most of the time, writer’s block is the result of poor planning, and planning can include simply taking time out to sit and quietly mull over ideas, jotting down whatever comes to mind.

Remember: There is no surer way to be stumped for words than to sit in front a blank screen without some prior prep work.

Before I go, here’s a literary riddle for you: Make up a logical sentence in which there are five ”ands” that follow one after the other, as in: and and and and and. No, please don’t use dialogue from a stuttering individual – this is a sentence in perfect English. Leave answers in your comments. Monika will send the winners a prize. Yeah right.