they want to kill us

High Score

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 23:21:00 +0000

Everyone knows that frogs are one of our fiercest predators and also notoriously untrustworthy. Which is why we here at they want to kill us were not suprised at all at the outcome of this ill-advised game of lick-the-iPhone.

Ok, maybe a little surprised.

Hot Anti-Dystopian Koala-on-Goat Action

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 23:35:00 +0000

We here at they want to kill us are very creative and clever and forward-thinking. Which is why, one day after the SOPA/PIPA blackout (which we did participate in, did you notice?), we've created this little animation* to share our views on inter-species sex and freedom of expression.

By the way, when we here at they want to kill us said the thing in our super clever animation* about not thinking it would be a good idea to catch a lion that escaped a zoo by blasting a bunch of kittens with a flamethrower, we were kidding. That actually is how to catch a lion.

* If you've already seen this animation on that one site that's way more successful than ours, The Oatmeal, well, that guy might have created it earlier, but only because it was our idea that we created even earlier in our minds. Also, check out this great article about punching dolphins, our personal favorite idea we had before someone else thought of it.

Let's Talk Dirty to the Animals

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 18:35:00 +0000

"Fuck you, Mister Bunny! Eat shit, Mister Bear!"

They Want to Squish Us!

noreply@blogger.com (Amuse-bouche for an African Elephant) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 19:26:00 +0000

They Want to Snuggle on Our Sofas

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 18:53:00 +0000

In coastal New Zealand, a baby fur seal ("Jimmy"), shuffled out of the ocean, across a busy street, into a residential area, down a driveway, under a gate, through a cat door, up a flight of stairs, into a kitchen, past a cat and a dog, then up onto this couch, where he took a nap.

Anne Swoffer, whose house Jimmy visited, could not be reached for comment because she died of cuteness.

Pets

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 17:51:00 +0000

A Roguish Koala Is Going to Murder Me shared this with me today, and as a parent of an almost-seven-year-old, I have nothing witty to say about it. Except that I now know what to get my almost-seven-year-old for her birthday.

Muskrat Love

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 23:27:00 +0000

Muskrats are a very amorous species, as has been widely known since the release of this insightful and lyrically profound song in 1976 (see Fig. 1).

Fig. 1

If you should find yourself back to the ground underneath an ardent Ondatra zibethicus, keep these five survival tips in mind:

Do not struggle. Muskrats have very sharp teeth and have been known to carry rabies, intestinal bacteria, leptospirosis, and tularemia.
For your sake, try to convince the muskrat to use protection.
See if you can wiggle over to the nearest marsh. Muskrats eat cattails and other aquatic vegetation, and there's a small chance he/she might get distracted by food. However, if you are already inside the muskrat's marsh lodge, skip it. You're screwed. (haha!)
Try not to make any noise. Unless you're into it, in which case go for it!
If possible, try to capture the incident on video and send it in to they want to kill us, c/o a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me.

Hoof to Helmet! A direct Hit!

noreply@blogger.com (Amuse-bouche for an African Elephant) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 19:54:00 +0000

Nature is lovely and all... but there really is something to be said for spin class.

<a href='http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/antelope-tackles-mountain-biker/20omc3tz?src=v5:embed::' target='_new' title='Antelope Tackles Mountain Biker'>Video: Antelope Tackles Mountain Biker</a>

Tree Shmanimal Limbricks

noreply@blogger.com (Animal_Cannibal) — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 01:03:00 +0000

Bat Mittens
There once was a bat from Valhalla
who moved to a flat in Botswana
but when he arrived
he cringed and imbibed
some shots with a vapid iguana

Blue Jay Soufflé
One day a blue jay named Abe deceased
and later became a savory treat
for ants and some slugs
who danced and cut rugs
amidst nibbling that amazing feast

they want to be killed
You would lose if you're chased by forty
Freddy Cougars and Gator Voorhees
so don't waste your breath
just choke nature's neck
until all of your veins are thorny

Rooster Feathers: An Exposé

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 04:59:00 +0000

You've seen them around your local mall or 7-11: adolescent girls and their moms with something stripey hanging from their heads sort of looking like hair but weirder and crimpier. I can't remember when I found out they were rooster feathers, but I remember that the day I went to a neighborhood birthday party and saw a five-year-old and her septegenarian grandmother sporting rooster-feather extensions, I knew this trend had hit it big, at least on my cul-de-sac.

You can buy a four-pack of natural or artifically hued feathers for about $12.99 and superglue them to your own hair, or you can go to a salon and pay $100 or whatever for them to put them in with little clippies. Either way, you'll end up with stripey crimpy things hanging from your head.

But listen. There are two problems with the rooster-feather hair extensions, besides any potential aesthetic ones.

1. Fly fishermen are getting pissed off because their daughters and their daughters' babysitters are using all their rooster feathers.

2. Roosters are running out of feathers.

This is a problem. I mean, on the one hand, you just can't thwart a teenage girl's right to follow trends blindly until the next one rolls along. On the other hand, I saw "A River Runs Through It," and fly-fishing looks great, especially when Brad Pitt circa "A River Runs Through It" is doing it. Also, we like eggs, and don't you need roosters for eggs?

Well, we at they want to kill us have spent a lot of time thinking about this situation and have come up with a pretty good solution: rooster-feather-hair-extension fly-fishing.

Up next: Have your eye on that sassy, sparkly owl necklace at Forever 21 but just can't meet the price? New do-it-yourself ideas right at home!

Happy Labor Day: Watch Your Back

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 00:33:00 +0000

Today is Labor Day. You know who never takes a vacation? The Panamanian Golden Frog.

Here's what you need to know if a Panamanian Golden Frog shows up at your barbeque:

It uses its little hands to wave at other Panamanian Golden Frogs. Sometimes these waves are friendly, but sometimes it means they want to kill us. I don't know the difference.
It's not really a frog. It's a toad.
For @#$%'s sake, don't lick it!
Wearing white is now considered ok after Labor Day, but probably not to a funeral.

Joke of the Day

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 01:41:00 +0000

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
- Steven Wright

Survival Tip #1

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 01:50:00 +0000

Great news. Now, instead of checking this site hourly for life-saving tips, you can subscribe by email. Phew, right? I know!

(Please see "follow by email" box at upper right.)

Some Sort of List or Something

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 18:21:00 +0000

This is my dog, Buckley. He's great!

This morning I found a list under his bed.
What do you think it means?

Oh, Deer

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 18:24:00 +0000

Land mammals and marine mammals have historically kept their collaborations secret, holding any clandestine strategy meetings only under cover of night. However, in a frightening and surprisingly ballsy development yesterday, a Connecticut deer hopped into an aquarium seal tank in the middle of the day.

According to Norwalk Aquarium representative Dave Sigworth, a crowd of people surrounded the indoor/outdoor seal tank at around 1:45 p.m. for a public feeding when the deer made its move. "The deer swam across the river and came up to our courtyard. Much to its surprise, and the surprise of everyone around, it jumped right over the wall into the seal exhibit." The staff was able to sequester the seals in the indoor portion of the aquarium, and while the deer never actually made physical contact, it is not clear if it was able to communicate its message nonverbally before it was ushered back out into the suburbs or wherever it lives.

"This is unprecedented and should not be taken lightly," says Egbert Fitzsimmons, mammal conspiracy expert. "For a land mammal to approach a marine mammal in the light of day in front of live onlookers, there can only be two explanations: Something major is about to happen, or they've just lost all sense of decorum. Either way, we are totally screwed."

For more information about this incident, please feel free to look it up.

They Want to Delay Us

noreply@blogger.com (Amuse-bouche for an African Elephant) — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 18:17:00 +0000

Travelers were delayed at John F. Kennedy Airport Wednesday morning after about 150 turtles ambled onto a runway and blocked air traffic from moving.

JetBlue first tweeted news of the slowdown, with the hashtag #cantmakethisup.

The Port Authority later confirmed that workers had to clear the notoriously slow reptiles out of the area. The migration is a familiar occurrence at the airport, which is located near Jamaica Bay. The turtles typically head out of the bay to nest on the beach each summer.

The turtles were mostly gathered on runway 4L, plus nearby taxiways, starting at about 6:45 a.m., the Port Authority said.

The turtles were identified as diamondback terrapins.

Perhaps if they had been snapping turtles -- the New York state reptile since 2006 -- they would have been given official clearance to stay.

The runway turtles aren't the first animals to complicate air traffic at New York City airports.

The city has sought to reduce the local geese population in recent years, following the crash of U.S. Airways Flight 1549, which sucked geese into its engines and had to land in the Hudson River.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43577945/ns/local_news-new_york_ny

Altruism

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 16:22:00 +0000

If we can touch just one person inappropriately, it's all worth it.

Jelly Rain

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 17:17:00 +0000

Strange weather we've been having.

The Cicadas Are Coming!

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Wed, 11 May 2011 02:55:00 +0000

If you are a Southerner, you probably can't read, so I'll talk directly to your friends and family in the north who can relay this message.

The cicadas are coming! The cicadas are coming!

They've been hiding underground in their cicada bunkers for 13 years, and now they've dug their way out and are coming for your southern relatives!

Cicadas are known to enjoy barbeque, grits, and rhubarb pie; and in an attack, they go straight for the eyes. So quick! Call your favorite southie, and read them this now, before it's too late: OH MAH GOD! THA CICADAS ARE COMIN'! HIDE YO GUNS, LET THEM HAVE YO SWEET TEA AN' BISCUITS, DO NOT THROW A CONNIPTION FIT, AND TAKE COVAH ON THA VERANDA UNTIL THEY FLAH AWAY!

To learn more about this current attack, please check out The Huffington Post, our favorite source of nature news.

Kitten Thinks of Nothing but Murder All Day

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Tue, 03 May 2011 16:57:00 +0000

You've probably been wondering how to spread the word about they want to kill us. Well, sending our link to all your friends and family would be the best way, but this t-shirt from The Onion isn't a bad second choice.

Teach Your Children Well

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 20:14:00 +0000

It is never too early to teach your child about the realities of living on our planet. Some of you, in a futile attempt to stave off the inevitable apocalypse caused by global warming, may be showing your little ones how to compost and recycle. Others are modeling empathy and cooperation, qualities that will make for excellent subjects in an autocratic society. A smarter approach would be to give your future human the survival skills it needs to navigate the murky waters ahead. These common-sense tips are a first step in that direction.

Names

DO NOT name your child Teddy or Cat or anything that can be shortened to an animal name, such as Madison.

DO name your child Gloria or Archibald or something similarly stylish and sensible.

Books

DO NOT read your child stories like The Frog Prince, which encourages anthropomorphism and the desire to open-mouth kiss amphibians.

DO read classics like Little Red Riding Hood, which promotes appropriate fear reactions and savvy fashion sense.

Pets

DO NOT put your child at unnecessary risk by having a family dog, cat, hamster, or goldfish.

DO offer your child a fun substitute, like a houseplant or a pet rock!

Weekends

DO NOT take your child to the local petting zoo, where she will be lulled into a false sense of security and exposed to animal germs.

DO bring your child to the bank, drycleaner, or grocery store; or have him help you clean the basement.

Vacations

DO NOT, under any circumstances, take your child to Sea World.

DO consider a trip the famous granite quarries of Vermont, or take a tour of the major sites of America's Industrial Revolution of yesteryear.

The Future

DO NOT encourage your child to be a veterinarian, marine biologist, or animal conservationist.

DO train your child now for a future career in corporate middle management.

Life is filled with choices. We hope these practical examples will help you in your everyday decision-making process.

Petite Lap Giraffes

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 17:10:00 +0000

"It all started when Great Grandfather Nicolas escaped circus with best friend Alex, the giraffe. The rest they say is history. For the next century our family have made business of Petite Lap Giraffe breeding here in Russia. We welcome you to visit Sokoblovsky Farms, just 80 kilometers outside Krasnodar."

The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 16:34:00 +0000

Educational and very well narrated.

blurrrkkgggghh

noreply@blogger.com (a roguish koala is going to murder me) — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 03:58:00 +0000

Erekkka...ahhhhhhh...owwwwwwwwww!!!

Twittering Reptiles

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 21:06:00 +0000

If you live in New York or anywhere with news, you probably know about the Egyptian cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo last Saturday. Well, today it was found, so this post isn't really breaking news so much as history or whatever. Sorry, we've had other things on our minds, like the war on Libya and the discovery of world's worst song ever.

Anyway, while on its bender, the snake created a Twitter account, and it is terrific! We hope it keeps posting even now that it's back under lock and key. Sssssss.