they want to kill us

What does the fox say?

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Thu, 17 Oct 2013 22:43:00 +0000

狗狗穿丝袜 (NSFW)

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 16:58:00 +0000

China, world's most populous nation and fastest-growing economy, is poised to become the planet's next superpower. (The U.S. had a pretty good run of it, or whatever.) As such, the animals of China are in a unique position to make their global move.

The first play for dominion has been made by the dogs of China in this display of 狗狗穿丝袜 or "gou gou chuan siwa" or "dogs wearing pantyhose" or "Chinese dogs blatantly trying to seduce us before they kill us and eat us and rule the planet."

Warning: it's hot, but do not be fooled.

Thanks to Sharp Daily for breaking this story.

...

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Sun, 24 Feb 2013 20:03:00 +0000

Testimonials

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Thu, 14 Feb 2013 17:02:00 +0000

More to come!

Parasitic Tongue Louse (NSFW or any other place)

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 23:45:00 +0000

Look, I'm at work, in a beige office cubicle, and I don't have much time to research this, but this "Cymothoa exigua" (aka "tongue-eating louse") came to my attention via one of our few but incredibly dedicated and intelligent (clever, exceptionally discerning) readers.

It's a tongue parasite! A vampire! It attaches itself to your (if you're a fish) tongue and then sucks all the blood out till your tongue atrophies and then it acts like it's your prosthetic tongue.

DO NOT SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTHS OPEN!

Please click here or here for more information. Thank you, intrepid reader, and thank you "WTF Evolution?"

Gross!

20 Animals That Have More Emotional Baggage Than You

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Fri, 14 Dec 2012 02:36:00 +0000

#11: chicken

From I'll be Dead by the Time You Read This: The Existential Life of Animals, courtesy of Buzzfeed

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Fri, 28 Sep 2012 18:51:00 +0000

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

Giant Scary Albino Pancake (fish)

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 23:22:00 +0000

This creature was recently discovered off the coast of Bangladesh. It is called the Giant Scary Albino Pancake (fish). It eats krill and cameras. If you see one, SWIM AWAY!

The Common Wren

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 17:54:00 +0000

This is a wren. Wrens are small passerine birds living pretty much all over the world. They eat insects and sing chirpy songs with no lyrics. They are plentiful and mostly inconspicuous.

If you look out your kitchen window right now, you will find one sitting quietly on a branch outside thinking about how it wants to tear the flesh off your face and use your hair for its nest.

EASTER IS COMING!

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 00:07:00 +0000

May Jesus save our souls.

Charlie and the Seal!

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 23:54:00 +0000

Here is a fun video of Irish journalist Charlie Bird frolicking with baby elephant seals!

Sadly, they ate him shortly after this scene.

WTFish?

noreply@blogger.com (a roguish koala is going to murder me) — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 22:31:00 +0000

Okay, God. I get this. Great job.

But could You please explain this to me?

Why? What do we do with this? Are we supposed to eat it? I don't think anyone of us are going to eat it, I mean, we named it a 'blobfish.' Are we supposed to enjoy looking at it? I don't enjoy looking at it. Please tell us what we're supposed to do with this horrible, I mean, currently misunderstood creature, and we'll get right on it. My theory? Satan put it here to question our faith in your creation abilities. (Again, if You created this, I'm sorry...we just don't get it yet.)

A North Pacific Giant Octopus Is Going to Kill Me!

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 02:54:00 +0000

Today I was given a very graphic glimpse into my future, courtesy of the twisted vision and deft illustration skills of the talented Sharon McGill at McGillustrations.

Oh well, looking forward to that scuba-diving trip next weekend.

They Want to Eat Our Pastries

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 17:33:00 +0000

In a new, clever tactic in the war against humans, this opossum broke into a bakery, gnawed through a cardboard box, ate ten or twelve delicious pastries, and then lay motionless as if it were too full to move. And then it ate the person who took this photo.

oink

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 00:11:00 +0000

Today is National Pig Day. You have been alerted!

Scary Japanese Rhinos!

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 04:17:00 +0000

Ahhhh! This is super scary! Please do not watch this if you are afraid of rhinos and/or papier-mâché!

Bears Are the Worst

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 22:34:00 +0000

The thing that you do if you see a bear: Wish you hadn't.

You can't get away from a bear. They can run really fast, and they can climb trees. So...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

High Score

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 23:21:00 +0000

Everyone knows that frogs are one of our fiercest predators and also notoriously untrustworthy. Which is why we here at they want to kill us were not suprised at all at the outcome of this ill-advised game of lick-the-iPhone.

Ok, maybe a little surprised.

Hot Anti-Dystopian Koala-on-Goat Action

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 23:35:00 +0000

We here at they want to kill us are very creative and clever and forward-thinking. Which is why, one day after the SOPA/PIPA blackout (which we did participate in, did you notice?), we've created this little animation* to share our views on inter-species sex and freedom of expression.

By the way, when we here at they want to kill us said the thing in our super clever animation* about not thinking it would be a good idea to catch a lion that escaped a zoo by blasting a bunch of kittens with a flamethrower, we were kidding. That actually is how to catch a lion.

* If you've already seen this animation on that one site that's way more successful than ours, The Oatmeal, well, that guy might have created it earlier, but only because it was our idea that we created even earlier in our minds. Also, check out this great article about punching dolphins, our personal favorite idea we had before someone else thought of it.

Let's Talk Dirty to the Animals

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 18:35:00 +0000

"Fuck you, Mister Bunny! Eat shit, Mister Bear!"

They Want to Squish Us!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 19:26:00 +0000

They Want to Snuggle on Our Sofas

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 18:53:00 +0000

In coastal New Zealand, a baby fur seal ("Jimmy"), shuffled out of the ocean, across a busy street, into a residential area, down a driveway, under a gate, through a cat door, up a flight of stairs, into a kitchen, past a cat and a dog, then up onto this couch, where he took a nap.

Anne Swoffer, whose house Jimmy visited, could not be reached for comment because she died of cuteness.

Pets

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 17:51:00 +0000

A Roguish Koala Is Going to Murder Me shared this with me today, and as a parent of an almost-seven-year-old, I have nothing witty to say about it. Except that I now know what to get my almost-seven-year-old for her birthday.

Muskrat Love

noreply@blogger.com (a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 23:27:00 +0000

Muskrats are a very amorous species, as has been widely known since the release of this insightful and lyrically profound song in 1976 (see Fig. 1).

Fig. 1

If you should find yourself back to the ground underneath an ardent Ondatra zibethicus, keep these five survival tips in mind:

Do not struggle. Muskrats have very sharp teeth and have been known to carry rabies, intestinal bacteria, leptospirosis, and tularemia.
For your sake, try to convince the muskrat to use protection.
See if you can wiggle over to the nearest marsh. Muskrats eat cattails and other aquatic vegetation, and there's a small chance he/she might get distracted by food. However, if you are already inside the muskrat's marsh lodge, skip it. You're screwed. (haha!)
Try not to make any noise. Unless you're into it, in which case go for it!
If possible, try to capture the incident on video and send it in to they want to kill us, c/o a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me.

Hoof to Helmet! A direct Hit!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 19:54:00 +0000

Nature is lovely and all... but there really is something to be said for spin class.

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