STUPID:

…More like the PBS SNOOZEhour with Gwen AWFUL.

This is really funny if you’re part of the 1% of people with the sensibilities that would make this funny. I enjoy writing for an extremely limited audience—sometimes it’s just me.

For the record, I really like the PBS NewsHour. But come on: Gwen Awful? That’s gold.

STUPID:

Hair is fleeting, but eyebrows are forever.

This popped into my head because I was reading about “permanent makeup” where people basically get tattoos of eyebrows. But it also works on a naturobiological^[1] level.

WORDPLAY:

If someone told you two parables that weren’t very compelling, I think a funny thing to say would be, “More like pair-o’-BULL!”

Because it’s a homophone.

STUPID:

Oh, great. I spilled the urine I was drinking all over my pants, and now it looks like I peed myself.

This one was pretty popular (i.e., it was retweeted a lot). Which made me happy because it’s a pretty good joke. I also like the idea of putting the punchline at the beginning.

WISDOM:

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be fat.

I put a new spin on this old Ben Franklin chestnut.

STUPID:

The next time I visit a famous cemetery, I’m going to send you a postcard that says, “Wish you were here!”

I had the idea for this joke a long time ago. I was going to actually make a fake postcard like this, but then I remembered that I’m too lazy to actually do stuff, so I wrote it instead. Don’t worry; it’s still funny.

WORDPLAY:

Commodities are so hot right now.

This is a joke about hot commodities.

STUPID:

I really want to get into the whole “raw food” thing, but this chicken tastes horrible is a joke I just said on Twitter.

This is a not very good, too-easy joke. And it’s not even timely.

REACTION:

A third of Iowa caucus voters say they’re still undecided.

I can understand that; I desperately want to be relevant, too.

This one is too cynical. I think it’s lazy and stupid to make assumptions about the motives of others. On the other hand: we all want to feel like we matter, don’t we?

STUPID:

I think you should treat others as you’d like to be treated, which is why I always offer to have sex with people.

I don’t really do this, nor do I want other people to do this.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

1. I made this word up.

Here’s the thing… I love Twitter. Like, a lot. I take it very seriously, which is why I mostly use it to make jokes. Sometimes I think this confuses people, so I want to explain how I use Twitter.

Before I get into it, I should point out: this is all subject to change without a moment’s notice. The way I use Twitter (and my blog and email and pens/paper) is always evolving. Priorities are always changing. And I think that’s the way it should be. But this is the way I see it right now.

For better or worse, I prefer to use Twitter as a creative outlet, not a social network. I use Twitter for creativity; I use Facebook for communication.^[1]

Power & Responsibility

Currently, around 775 people follow me on Twitter. That certainly isn’t breaking any records, but it’s still 775 people who have given me their trust by explicitly choosing to read what I have to say. They trust me to write something worth reading, and—presumably—they find some value in the things I write (or they wouldn’t follow me).

It may seem silly to view Twitter followership as a “trust”, but that’s how I see it. And, while I don’t try to conform to others’ expectations, I do try to create an account that I’d want to follow. I try to write things that I would want to read.

Let’s be clear: there’s a lot of crap on Twitter. Between the Justin Bieber teeny-boppers, the hashtag fanatics, and the illiterate masses, the majority of Twitter is essentially unreadable. But there are also a lot of high-quality users who are a joy to follow. Thankfully, we can choose to follow these funny, informative, or otherwise interesting people and avoid the nonsense.

In an effort to be more like these better-quality Twitterers, I usually try to be funny. If I can’t do that, I try to say something interesting or original. I don’t always succeed at this, but—at the very least—I want to write something that won’t be considered a complete waste of your two seconds.

This is one of my main goals in life: I aspire to not waste your time.

Conversations

This gets trickier when dealing with conversations and @ replies.

Many people use Twitter to have conversations^[2] with other people, @-replying back and forth. That’s a perfectly legitimate way to use Twitter, especially if the conversations are interesting to more than just those two people. But that’s not how I use Twitter.

People wonder why I often use private direct messages (DMs) to communicate with them, rather than posting publicly viewable @ replies. It’s because most conversations don’t meet my self-imposed criteria for being funny, interesting, or original.

My rule for conversations is this: if I’m saying something to an individual that is only intended for that person (and I don’t think it would benefit anyone else to read it), then I send it as a DM (or I don’t send it at all). Responses like “thanks”, “you’re welcome”, “yes”, “no”, or “good joke, dude” don’t need to take up valuable space in other people’s Twitter streams.

Some people reserve DMs for things that definitely shouldn’t be seen by anyone else; the rest can be seen by the public. I use DMs for stuff that wouldn’t be interesting to anyone else; only interesting things should be public.

I once replied to someone’s comment on Twitter by sending a DM that said, “Yes”. The person remarked that it was a “weird DM”. To me, it would have been weirder if I sent it as a public reply. I don’t like the idea of others seeing my personal conversations. I don’t even like talking loudly in restaurants. Ultimately, I’m just trying to respect other people’s time and attention.

I Don’t (Necessarily) Hate You

My goal in explaining all this isn’t to tell anyone how they should use Twitter. I just want to provide an explanation for people who get confused when I don’t make public small talk on Twitter (or when I send “weird” DMs).

Please believe me when I say this: from the bottom of my heart, I do not care how you use Twitter. If I see a benefit to following you on Twitter, I will.^[3] If I don’t, I won’t. That’s not a threat or a personal affront; it’s just basic economics. I expect other people to treat me the same way. And that’s why I try to provide as much value as I can by being funny, interesting, or original.

So, that’s how I use Twitter. Pretentiously.

1. This is one of the reasons I like Twitter so much more than Facebook.
2. “How are you doing?” “I’m fine. How are you?” “Pretty good. What are you doing tonight?” “Probably nothing. I have diarrhea.” Etc.
3. Although, even then, maybe not. I can only process so much information on Twitter. I don’t follow everyone I might enjoy following, simply because I get overwhelmed by so many toots.

STUPID:

Did you know? The candy cane colors represent the friendship of Native Americans and European settlers. And the shape represents old people.

There’s so much symbolism all around us, if we’d only look.

WORDPLAY:

My peppermint bark is worse than my bagel bite.

I wonder if this would have been better with “peppermint bite” instead of “bagel bite”. But I wanted to go for realism. Truth in comedy.

(That concludes the Holiday Treats Toots section of this episode.)

WORDPLAY:

Humans are mere mortals, but half-fish-half-humans are mere mer-mortals.

This is dumb.

STUPID:

If you tell someone something, and they incredulously ask, “Really?”, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Really as a heart attack.”

This is funny.

WISDOM:

People really appreciate honesty if you honestly tell them what they want to hear.

This is the truth.

STUPID:

Revenge is a dish best served with one of those really tiny forks.

And make sure you chew revenge well. I recommend at least 18 chews per bite.

STUPID:

Babies are like sports cars: they’re fun to play with for a little while, but I don’t think the Japanese ones are as good as the others.

I thought this one was pretty good. It’s funny because everyone knows Japanese babies are better than other kinds.

STUPID/WISDOM:

I saw a man playing chess with his dog.

I said, “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen!”

“I’m so lonely,” said the man.

If you know the old joke, this one is an unexpected variation. If you don’t know the old joke, this is just heartbreaking and poignant. You should really retweet this one.

REACTION:

Photos of coastlines should always be shot facing north. Otherwise I get disoriented.

When I see a photo of a beach with the Pacific Ocean on the right side and land on the left side, I get dizzy. North is north for a reason: because God said so.

STUPID:

If you don’t want me to let all the air out of your tires, don’t tell me you’re “under too much pressure”.

What was I *supposed* to do?

This barely makes sense.

REACTION:

It’s seems like people who know a lot about something don’t know very much about everything.

Because even smart people are stupid.

STUPID:

If you ever give a tour of your house, when you get to your bedroom, a funny thing to say would be, “This is where the magic happens.”

Everyone would think it’s really hilarious, I bet.

That concludes this episode.

Well, I have good news for those people: You should call it “fro-yo”.

Also, New Year’s is a good time to reevaluate you life life because it is a time. It’s completely arbitrary, and that’s what makes it work. All the best, most effective stuff is arbitrary. Take the U.S. Congress… please!

You’re probably thinking, “OK, Conlan. You’ve convinced me that New Year’s resolutions are a good idea. But—I’m embarrassed to admit—I don’t know how to make a New Year’s resolution. Can you help me?”

The answer is no, of course. I don’t even know you. (Or, if I do know you, I probably don’t want to know you. So the answer is not so much “no, I can’t,” but more “no, I won’t.”) But I can help you help yourself. Here is your recipe for success:

Ingredients

• 1 pencil with eraser (everybody makes mistakes!)
• 1 spiral notebook, wide-ruled
• 1 pack of 3×5 notecards, blank (for “resolution-storming”)
• 1 cupcake (for ritual cupcake sacrifice)
• 1 roll of duct tape (just in case)
• 1 garbage bag
• 1 butcher knife (for chopping)
• 1 large bottle of bleach (for destroying the evidence)

Directions

1. Spread out all the ingredients on the drafting table in your bunker.
2. Take off your pants (leave your underwear on). You can resolve better when you are unencumbered.
3. Assume the “thinking pose”: clasp your hands together, but with your index fingers extended. Touch your fingers to your lips. Alternately, if you have a beard, stroke it gingerly. I said, GINGERLY.
4. Think. Consider the different areas of your life (work, family, TV, Facebook, and breakdancing) and think about how you suck in each area.
5. Write down all the ways you suck in your spiral notebook (henceforth known as your Life Inventory Journal).
6. Think about the ways you can suck less in each area of your life (fitness, bathroom etiquette, shoe size, Chinese finger traps, and healthy eating) and then—here is the tricky part—write down these resolutions on the notecards (one resolution per card, please).
7. Arrange each solution notecard in a circle on your table.
8. Place your Life Inventory Journal in the center of the circle, and then place your cupcake on top of your Life Inventory Journal.
9. Violently smash the cupcake with your hand or hoof.
10. Chop something with the butcher knife.
11. Brush everything on the table (notecards, journal, smashed cupcake, broken dreams) into the garbage bag, and set the bag aside.
12. Pour the entire bottle of bleach all over the table.
13. Bask in the cleansing destruction.
14. Put the garbage bag into your escape chute and blast it off into outerspace.
15. Live your BEST LIFE.

And that’s how I help you help yourself.

Happy New Year, everybody.

WISDOM:

Just because I don’t care, that doesn’t mean I don’t disapprove.

Actually, it does mean that. It also means I don’t approve. I just don’t care. Stop bothering me about it.

STUPID:

Too Big to Smell: The Inside Story of How Speed Stick and Right Guard Fought to Deodorize America—and Themselves

This is overreaching. “Too big to smell” was funny to me, though.

WORDPLAY:

If you eat really good tri-tip, a funny thing to say would be, “Tri-tip? More like SUCCEED-tip!”

But don’t say “Fail-tip”. That’s stupid.

Homophones…

Also, I’m tired of people describing things with the word fail. But that’s probably because of my automatic, irrational rejection of most anything that’s unoriginal. To me, originality—and thus a sense of surprise—is one of the most important parts of creativity. It bothers me when people trade on other people’s ideas to get an emotional response from an audience. Of course, it’s impossible to not do that, which is why my response is irrational (or hypocritical, if you don’t really know what hypocritical means).

WISDOM:

My worldview perfectly explains everybody’s motivations except my own.

Speaking of hypocrisy: Why are we always compelled to make exceptions for ourselves (and our friends) when we talk about what’s wrong with the world? I think it’s because, despite our best efforts, we can never really believe that other people are as complex as we are.

STUPID:

The world is your oyster and oysters are aphrodisiacs and no means no and just leave me alone, OK?

This construction is called, “The Energizer Bunny That Eventually Dies”.

REACTION:

I always wait until the last possible moment to put my pants on.

…before I jump out of the airplane.

STUPID:

If you knew a guy named Martin who passed gas a lot, I think a good nickname for him would be “Gas-Passin’ Gary”.

After I posted this, someone on Twitter helpfully pointed out that “Fartin’ Martin” would be a better nickname.

I’m going to level with you guys: I had already thought of that. My first thought actually was “Fartin’ Martin”. But I assumed^[1] that joke had already been made. So I pulled a switcheroo to make it more unexpected and original. And that was the joke. Are you beginning to understand me?

STUPID:

My favorite kind of backwards is ass-backwards.

This doesn’t mean anything.

WISDOM:

I’m not as good-looking as I think, because I’m not as smart as I look.

I like verbal gymnastics like this, especially when it makes sense. If you’re not smart, then you don’t think well, so if you think you’re good-looking, you’re probably wrong—even if you look smart.

WISDOM:

You can tell a lot about a person by their handshake. For instance, I could tell that the guy I just met had at least one hand.

You only get one impression to make a first chance.

WISDOM:

Bread is just toast that isn’t done yet.

If there’s a bread in the world that can’t be improved by some light toasting, I haven’t found it.

STUPID:

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the one where he caught a bullet with his teeth.

Seriously, how did he DO that?

I wish I would’ve left off the second sentence. It would have been subtler and, I think, funnier.

WORDPLAY:

You’re wearing out. You’re welcome.

See, this is funny because I took a common phrase and changed the punctuation.

WISDOM:

Only the good die young, which is why no one likes old people.

This one was really popular. A lot of people retweeted it. I assume because old people suck so much.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest.

1. And I confirmed it through a Google search.

10. Top 10 New iPhone Launches/Middle East Uprisings
9. Top 10 Closed Celebrity Murder Cases Reopened
8. Top 10 Reasons That Top 10 Lists Are A Lazy Way To Make A Joke
7. Top 10 Toes On The Human Body (Bottom Half)
6. Top 10 Rebecca Black “Friday” Parody Remix Videos
5. Top 10 High School Teachers Having Sex With Students Scandals
4. Top 10 New Dances That It Turns Out Were Actually Just People Getting Tased
3. Top 10 Royal Wedding Souvenir Snowglobes
2. Top 10 Iraq Wars Ended
1. Top 10 Non-Protest-Related Pepper Sprayings

So, there you have it.

Enjoy the new year, everybody. It will be your last.

STUPID:

I can’t believe Regis quit so soon after taking over for Oprah. It’s like Jack Parr on Nightline all over again.

This doesn’t really make sense. It’s just a lot of pop culture references that may or may not be related, and may or may probably not be true.

WORDPLAY:

Sometimes: not always.

Some times: 11:03 p.m., 4:21 a.m.

Sum times: 9:38 a.m. + 5:19 p.m., 12:22 a.m. + 7:56 p.m. + 9:00 p.m.

BEHOLD! OUR AMAZING ENGLISH LANGUAGE!

REACTION:

Referring to your non-baby teeth as “permanent” is a little too optimistic, I think.

Same deal with “permanent” markers. When my sister was two and I was seven, I drew a very pleasant picture on her face—some flowers and a sunset and things like that—but it only lasted for a couple years. I complained to Sharpie, but they didn’t care.

WORDPLAY:

I don’t want to offend anyone, so I’m always sure to say, “I’ll Ms. you.”

I’m offended by the abbreviation Mrs. because there is no “R” sound when you say it (as far as I can tell).

REACTION:

CONLAN INTERNET FAME WATCH 11/15/11: Nothing yet.

CONLAN INTERNET FAME WATCH 12/16/11: Still nothing. What is wrong with you people?? Please RT.

REACTION:

Remember when “The Situation” got so riled up he slammed HIS OWN HEAD into a concrete wall, sending himself to the hospital?

Pure poetry.

This really happened. I don’t watch Jersey Shore, but I watch The Soup and I saw it for myself. How great is that? It’s always fun to see stupid jerks do things that hurt themselves, but it rarely happens with such elegance. What is the stupidest way for a person to get a concussion? Purposely slamming your head into a concrete wall has to be at the top of the list.

STUPID:

Sometimes humanity really disappoints me. But then I remember that someday our species will be extinct.

So, catch-22.

This doesn’t make sense.

REACTION:

Sometimes my job makes me feel like a whore.

But there’s no way around it: cuddling costs extra.

This is just a joke. I’m not actually a prostitute, technically speaking.

REACTION:

I don’t have enough self-confidence to be an alcoholic.

Whenever I see people get really drunk and obnoxious in public, I can’t help but admire their self-assuredness. It must be nice to care more about getting drunk than to care about looking like an idiot. Good for them.

REACTION:

Really smart people are too eager to show off how smart they are, whereas really stupid people are too eager to show off how smart they are.

I’m so smart.

STUPID:

Just so you know: I’m completely naked under all this hair.

I’m pretty hairy, but not hairy enough for it to be, like, “my thing”. I’m in a furry no man’s land between babies’ butts and Bigfoots.

WISDOM:

If you time-travel to the past and kill your own grandfather, he probably deserved it.

Because he was probably a jerk.

STUPID:

Whenever I see someone who’s struggling and needs a little help, I can’t help but think, “There but for the grace of God go fuck yourself.”

I apologize for the profanity, but it’s the only way this joke would have worked. And I think it works quite well. The shock of the punchline contrasts nicely with the warm feelings of the lead-up. Anything less than “fuck” would’ve felt like a cop-out^[2] and it wouldn’t have worked.

That’s all.

1. Or whatever.
2. Not that I’m totally opposed to cop-outs.

Why do you waste everyone’s time with these dumb “Ask Conlan” things? Most of the time they don’t even make sense. When I get done reading it I usually say to myself something funny like, “There’s five minutes of my life I’ll never get back” or something like that, like they’d say in a movie, you know? You’re weird.

Thanks for your question, Weird. Since it is actually two questions, I will answer one at a time. First, to answer your second question: yes, I know. It’s like a funny thing you’d hear in a movie. If you ever did hear it in a movie, then it would be like something you’d hear in a movie, ipso facto. Ipso facto is Latin for “sip taffy”. I don’t care much for taffy. It’s too sticky. It’s like, “Hey, dude, quit sticking to my teeth,” or something funny like that.

Now, onto the other part of the question that I made up. Did you know time can be recycled? (Astrophysics.) In other words, time is on our side. Yes, it is. Sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. This most often happens when you write a note in disappearing ink, and then you can’t remember that you needed to buy some toilet paper and boy is your face red.

Does that answer your question? Of course it does.

Sincerely,
Conlan

A few months ago, I started making jokes on Twitter with this construction: “If [something happens], I think a funny thing to say would be, “[some punchline—usually a groaner].”

I like this construction because it’s a cop-out. I’m not saying the joke is funny; I’m just saying that it would be funny. But even if the joke isn’t funny, the overall statement—because of the way it’s phrased—becomes funny because then it’s ironic.

Now you know all my secrets.

Anyway, here’s a bunch of ‘em:

When someone asks you three questions in a row, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Geez, what is this, Three Questions or something?”

See, instead of 20 Questions. I think would really be funny.

If you’re reminiscing with someone about a really loud party, I think a funny thing to say would be, “A good time was heard by all.”

This wouldn’t really be that funny, but the idea of “reminiscing about a really loud party” is funny to me.

If you were talking to someone who said they were an “expert”, I think a funny think to say would be, “Really? Why’d you quit?”

See, because of the “ex”. I think this would really be funny.

If somebody asks if you’re married and you’re not, I think a funny thing to say would be, “I’m one of the least married people I know!”

I like this one because it doesn’t make sense, yet it’s completely irrefutable.

If you were really frustrated, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Good news, everybody: I can’t take it anymore.”

This is funny because that’s not really good news. On the other hand, it might be.

If someone tells you that asparagus makes your urine smell funny, I think a funny thing to say would be, “I’ll believe it when I pee it!”

As an offhand remark, this would be amusing. But here I’m suggesting you premeditate such a remark, which would make it less amusing, but the idea that someone actually would plan it is the funny part. See? Cop-out.

If you have to ask someone how to spell a simple word, I think a funny thing to add would be, “…*I* know, but I’m asking for a friend.”

This is another one I’d like in real life. See, it’s funny because, if you knew the spelling, you’d just tell your friend without having to ask someone else.

If you run into someone you don’t like, but they’re stylishly dressed, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Lookin’ good, asshole.”

This isn’t so much funny as it is true.

If you’re getting acupuncture, I think a funny thing to say would be, “What a prick.”

Quiet at first, but then loudly and repeatedly.

Thinking about this situation makes me laugh. The idea of mumbling (and then shouting) things while someone sticks needles in you is funny on it’s own, but I think this is the perfect thing to mumble (and then shout).

If you have to tell someone about a murder, I think a funny thing to say would be, “I have some good news and some murder news.”

This is funny because it’s weird.

If you were annoyed about something, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Who can I sue about this?”

This would be funny, because lots of people apparently do think this without saying it. Which is why it’s funny.

If you’re giving someone the option of how to be hanged, I think a funny thing to say would be, “I have some good noose and some bad noose.”

This isn’t funny.

If someone tells you that something is invisible, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Oh, I see.”

I think this is funny. Because of the metaphors we live by.

If you had an identical twin named Adam, I think a funny thing to say to people would be, “You don’t know me from Adam!”

This is funny because it’s true.

If you’re at a Rolling Stones cover band concert and they ask for requests, I think a funny thing to say would be, “I demand Satisfaction!”

No.

If you were Conlan, I think a funny thing to say would be, “If I had a nickel for every #MidnightDump, it would be a joke about two things.”

This is a joke about me. And also it’s a “funny thing to say” joke. It’s about two things.

If you were really adamant about changing your hair color, I think a funny thing to say would be, “I want to try dyeing or die trying.”

I like this one.

If you wanted to encourage a performer before a show, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Break a leg or I’ll break it for you.”

Positive and negative reinforcement^[1]. I think it could really work. Truth in comedy.

WORDPLAY:

For a psychic at an optical illusion exhibit, a funny thing to say would be, “I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not what it looks like.”

Get it?

That concludes this extra-special episode of the thing where I talk about stuff.

1. Encouragement is not actually positive reinforcement.

STUPID:

Retweets speak louder than words.

This is a clever new twist on the old adage, “Actions speak louder than words.” But the part I like about it is, it’s totally true.

STUPID:

Being a defeatist isn’t as kick-ass as it sounds.

Maybe it doesn’t sound very kick-ass, I don’t know.

WISDOM:

The enemy of my enemy is probably an asshole too.

I generally find that people who define themselves in opposition to something—rather than in support of something else—tend to be assholes. I know I am.

WORDPLAY:

I expect big things from you, but I expectorate even bigger things from me.

Seriously, you should see this stuff.

STUPID:

PRAY FOR TWITTER.

I don’t really know why I tooted this. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

REACTION:

Typing a quotation mark as two apostrophes is something that some people actually do.

People are interesting.

WISDOM:

When people say “there are two sides to every story”, they usually just want you to stop paying attention to the side that isn’t theirs.

There are three sides to every story. And none of them are true.

WISDOM:

The thing about homeopathic “medicine” is, for it to work, it’d have to violate every known law of biology, chemistry, and physics.

In many cases, not a single molecule of the “active ingredient”^[1] remains in the final solution of homeopathic remedies. Seriously, look it up. You’re better off praying or saying a magical incantation (God and Gaia don’t want you to give your money to swindlers). You still might get a placebo effect and you’ll be saving cash, which you can send to me (God and Gaia are OK with that).

REACTION:

I don’t like when a woman tries to act like “one of the guys”. Not because women shouldn’t act like men, but because nobody should.

Guys are gross.

REACTION:

There’s nothing so refreshing as fresh-brewed iced tea. There’s nothing so defreshing as “instant” iced tea from concentrate.

We can put a man on Mars, but we can’t abolish this abomination? Way to go, humanity.

WISDOM:

A stranger is just a friend who won’t tell you that you have bad breath yet.

The good news is, you just made a new friend.

WORDPLAY:

You really screwed the pooch when you started taking every idiom literally.

Poor dog. It has no money.

STUPID:

Whenever I see a really cute little kid, I just want to punch them in their cute little face (out of appreciation).

Maybe this is inaccurate. Maybe I just want to punch something. Haven’t you ever been overcome by so much genuine cuteness that it made you angry? I have.

STUPID:

Howdy, y’all!

Just kidding. I don’t talk like that.

So don’t even be trippin’.

REACTION:

Every time I see a box of a certain size, I can’t help but think: there’s a severed human head in there.

This doesn’t really have to do with the movie Seven.^[2] It just seems like some boxes were made for heads. Ring boxes were made for rings and head boxes were made for heads. It’s science.

STUPID:

The cornstalks were as high as an elephant’s eye and as thick as an elephant’s… trunk.

Good save, Conlan.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest.

1. I use the term loosely, because there’s usually no evidence that the active ingredients actually help with anything. And it’s usually in such small quantities that it’s literally impossible for it to have any affect on you.
2. I tooted this before I saw the great swede at Swede Fest.