You’ll notice a number of exciting updates in the new version.

Release notes (2.0):

• Simplified user interface
• Now with 85% more beard
• Numerous bug fixes and enhancements

It is a very nice button. Just listen to this REAL TESTIMONIAL from Travis Sheridan: “Wearing the @thisisconlan button makes me moe (sic) popular…and you can quote me on that.”

If you would like your very own “This is Conlan: The Button v2.0″, please come find me, then ask me for one. Alternately, if you live far away (i.e., New York), please utilize the “donate” button on my awesome website and contribute some amount for postage and handling, then email me your address. Then I will send you a couple.¹

Act now. While supplies last.

1. You can even donate if you don’t get yours through the mail.

Why am I never allowed to own a cat?

Thank you for your question, Doug. This is a very interesting situation requiring the requisite non sequiturs (and therefore non sequitees, for argument’s sake), but what—inasmuch as there is such thing—does this actually preclude? The answer to that is simple: Don’t buy a bucket of butter when the squids aren’t squeaking, am I right? What this means, in context, is that there’s no one specific instance by which all others must be prejudged. The “jury” is, when it comes around to it, out.

And yet, the feline aspects of the equation remain in play (as it were). For example, don’t expect much help from the U.S. Supreme Court on this one.¹ It’s a matter of onion. I wonder if that’s where the onion came from. Onions are like assholes: everybody’s got one and they all make you cry when you chop them up.

But I divergess. The answer to this question, Dob, lies in the idiosyncrasy of it, itself. What we are dealing with here, then, is, of course, not a viable option. It is an enviable option. Gosh, I wish I had that option. (Do you see my point?)

All living things hate you.

1. Not true.

Here are some sample conversations that would occur after the name change.

SCENE 1

EXT. After the UC Irvine graduation ceremonies, two graduates converse.

NATHAN: What are you plans now?

BETH: I’ve got a job lined up in Great Valley.¹

NATHAN: Fresno? I saw the story on CNN about them changing their name. Yeah, ‘Great Valley’ makes the smog smell like tulips. Losers. Anyway, good luck.

FADE OUT.

SCENE 2

INT. San Francisco cocktail party overlooking the Bay Bridge. SUSAN and ANNIE chat over cosmos.

SUSAN: …So that’s why I moved out here from Chicago. Where are you from originally?

ANNIE: I grew up in Central California.

SUSAN: Really? What part?

ANNIE: Um, Rancho Sierra.

SUSAN: Hm. Is that near Sacramento?

ANNIE: Well, it’s more south. It’s actually bigger than Sacramento.

SUSAN: Oh, I can’t believe I haven’t heard of it. Are you sure?

ANNIE: Yeah. Well, it used to be called Fresno.

SUSAN: Ohhh. That’s odd.

FADE OUT.

SCENE 3

INT. Car driving up 99 towards Yosimite.

WIFE: I’m hungry. Let’s get something to eat in Fresno.

HUSBAND: You know they changed the name, right?

WIFE: Name of what?

HUSBAND: Fresno. It’s called Muir now.

WIFE: Why?

HUSBAND: They thought it would give them a better image or something. It’s ironic; the city went into massive debt just to change all the government letterhead and repaint police cars, not to mention the university and the businesses.

WIFE: Why would it give them a better image?

HUSBAND: I guess because people think of ‘Fresno’ as uncool.

WIFE: They think a new name will fix that?

HUSBAND: I guess.

WIFE: That’s the most retarded thing I’ve ever heard. Look, Kingsburg. Let’s eat here.

FADE OUT.

SCENE 4

INT. High school gymnasium in Phoenix, Arizona. A college fair. Booths are set up and students mill around.

MALE STUDENT (approaching booth): CSUBT? Where’s that?

RECRUITER: In beautiful Blossom Trail, California. Most of the time we call it Blossom Trail State. Let me show you some–

MALE STUDENT: I’m a football player. I’m sure as shit not going to play for ‘Blossom Trail State’. See you in hell.

(Student walks off, another walks up.)

RECRUITER: Hello, there. Thinking about college in California?

FEMALE STUDENT: Blossom Trail? Isn’t that the city that changed its name because it sucked so much?

RECRUITER: Well, not exactly. But we’ve changed more than our name. Since then the city of Blossom Trail has reduced crime by almost 40%. And we’ve got a thriving downtown entertainment district where, by the way, our fantastic new BTSU satellite campus is located.

FEMALE STUDENT: What was it called before?

RECRUITER: The city? It was named Fresno, but let me tell you about the job opportunities that have been created for our graduates. Nearly 80 percent of–

FEMALE STUDENT: Frez-no. Why’d you change it?

RECRUITER: Um, well, it wasn’t really up to us. I just represent the university. Did you know our business program, in conjunction with the Blossom Trail City government, provides opportunities to–

FEMALE STUDENT: That seems… dumb.

RECRUITER: Yes, but–

FEMALE STUDENT: Don’t you guys have pride in your history?

RECRUITER: Funny you should say that, because–

FEMALE STUDENT: It’s kind of disgusting, if you think about it. If a student writes a shitty essay at your college, can they improve their grade by just changing the title?

RECRUITER: Of course n–

FEMALE STUDENT: Yuck.

(She walks away.)

FADE OUT.

SCENE 5

CLOSEUP of TV screen. Opening titles of late night show play.

ANNOUNCER: It’s the Conan O’Brien Show! Only on Fox! And now, here’s Conan O’Brien!

CONAN: Thank you, thank you. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. But first, did you hear about Dakota Fanning? Seems this time she’s really screwed up. Meth, orgies, dead puppies. Yikes. Hollywood insiders are saying this might be the end of her career; her reputation is ruined. Although… she could always try…. changing her name to Vineyard, California!

(Audience erupts with laughter)

FADE OUT.

THE END.

1. Actual possible proposed names.

It’s not very often I, being Conlan, have a chance to see what life is like on “the other side”, by which I mean the desert. I don’t even really like dessert. Just desserts is a thing, but it’s actually “just deserts”. Not many people understand this.

There’s not much understanding in the world today. We, as people, then to overlook the why?s and the whatnot?s in favor of the wow!s and whereboob?s. This has led to what I like to call “The Great Treacle Debacle”. Ironically, this is confusing (in a sense) because treacle and debacle do not sound alike. They are, in grammarian terms, sousaphones. That means they’re words that produce a high, brassy peal whenever you blow them.

Speaking of which, I attended a recent burlesque show during which a fire eater made a number of double entendre-esque comments that I found offensive. I don’t like sports, but I watch the Superbowl sometimes and I know what that sort of thing looks like. Very few people do, you know.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, smart is smart. The next time you see your Uniter States Postal worker, say hi. You might be surprised.

And, since this is the season for giving, I want to give each and every one of you the opportunity to donate money to me using the handy “Donate” button on the right side of the page. Who knows? It might even encourage me to write things here more often.

In fact, it will. For instance, if you donate you will receive a thank you gift of words as follows.

Each gift comes with an official numbered e-certificate of authenticity suitable for printing out (at your own expense) and framing.

Do you have a topic you’ve just been itchin’ to choose? Then act now! This is a limited time offer, probably!

Happy Holidays.

P.S. The title of this post is short for “Curtis the Season,” a former professional wrestler of some note. Curtis “The Season” Gorkosky got his nickname because he came down on his opponents “with the brute force of a vernal equinox” according one breathless newspaper report in 1934. The name stuck and, when he retired from wrestling in 1951, Gorkosky founded the famous gift card company Season’s Greetings. The company went bankrupt in 1958 due its immense investment in the failed, ahead-of-its-time “I’m glad he’s dead” line of funeral cards (which is still an untapped greeting card market), yet to this very day the company name remains synonymous with wishing someone dead around the holidays.

1. My mom says my smiles are like gold, because they are rare and precious. So, you know, take that into account

Wow, this is kind of scary. I’m glad I have a job.

I’m assuming she assumes that anyone sitting at Starbucks at 10am on a Friday is out of work. Despite the “Whuh?” factor of this, I see a few problems with her reasoning.

1. It’s 2009. Get a clue.
2. You’re in your early 30s. Get a clue. Seriously. And,
3. You are sitting in Starbucks at 10am on a Friday! Why are you here?

UPDATE: I am writing this post as I sit at the next table over. She looks around again: “There’s still a lot of people here. And I don’t think anybody’s really doing anything…” Please note: anyone not on their computer is clearly past retirement age, sitting and talking with other old people… except for her and her friend.

Perhaps she believes computers are only used for playing solitaire.

UPDATE 2: She saw a friend of hers in line. They talked for 10 minutes.

UPDATE 3: I’m putting on headphones. I can’t take it anymore.

But really, people. Next time you make an assumption about a subset of people, consider whether or not that subset includes you.

Hi Conlan. I have a question for your next “ask conlan” segment. Okay, here it is: What is going to happen to me if I live the rest of my life eating only candy? (I am on day three of a strictly candy diet, and I’m feeling a little off. I just want to know the long term effects of this self-destructive behavior…) Thanks!

Thank you for your question, Chester. However, it seems your self-fulfilling prophecy is already an answered question. You call your candy habit a “self-destructive behavior”. Thus, you have already reconstituted what you believe about its being.

You seem to be unfamiliar with the work of Igor Tooles. In his bestselling self-help book, The Hidden Law of Wonderworld¹, Tooles writes the following:

For it is only in your empowered law of secrets that you will be fulfilling your utmost destiny. The ancient Babylonians knew it. Donald Trump knows it. If you’ve ever been in a car accident or been sad, you don’t know it. But that can change. For you must truly embrace the Law of Dynamic Magnetism. It is a law!

I cannot emphasize this enough. L-A-W. It is a law, which means you must not question it. Do you question law?? Just like a court law. You don’t ask why you’re not allowed to stab people, do you? No! Because it is the law… I’m glad we settled that.

Furthermore, once you have in actuality allured the teachings of Abraham and Jerry (thusly endowed), you will feel a sense of hydroplatonic peace. If you do not feel this sense, you must not have done it right. The answer is there to see and behold.

So, as you can see and behold, Shelly, you must be feeling “a little off” because you want to feel like you feel a little off, fulfilling your protruding feel-offity. If you truly embraced the Law, then you could eat nothing but candy for up to and including 88 years and it would make you rich and successful in your business endeavors. But this is a transmogrification that only you must build. For, as his Toolesness writes, “It is only in the knowing of things do the inextricable inextricacies become known to those who shall triumph, and not those other people because they must not have bought my book (Now available in audio-paperback format!).”

I hope that changed your life, as it has mine.

1. Not a vampire teenager book, yet.

Mr/s. McDonald writes:

Dear Conlan,

How are you?

Sincerely,
C.B. McDonnely

Wow. Just… wow. Who do you think you are? Who THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE! I can’t even fathom what would make you ask a question like that. I… I can’t even look at you right now. Just leave. I SAID LEAVE!! GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!

Phew. I apologize, folks. Some people have no sense of decorum, and occasionally it riles me a little bit. I’m sorry for the outburst (although I’m sure you can understand, under the circumstances).

Let’s move on.

Next question:

Hi, Conlan. My name is Manuel. I live in another country. Here in my country we do not have many wonderful things. I use my meager income to “surf” the internet at a local internet restaurant and request money transfers from kind people. (I am a prince and/or high-ranking government official.) What I’m trying to say is: Is time travel possible?

Nice try, Floyd. But the answer is, uncategorically, yes (with an “if”) and no (with a “but”)². You see, time—like space—is indeed relative. Einstein demonstrated this through a series of experiments involving sticking out his tongue and blinking. Because it is relative, the faster an object moves, the slower time moves for it in relation to everything around it.

For instance, if a theoretical rocketship were to take off from the Earth at near the speed of light and travel to the nearest googolsphere, then immediately turn around and come back, the occupants of the rocketship would have experienced the time aboard as six years. However, the time on the Earth would have proceeded so that those remaining on the Earth would not witness the return of the rocketship for close to 60 years (Earth time)! The measurements may not be precise, but the idea is sound.³ So you see, time travel to the future is possible in this sense (however, technological restraints at this time make it unfeasible).

But suppose you wanted to travel back in time. Is that possible? Good question. The answer to that is, “Duh” and “Maybe”. In this case what you would need is a flux capacitor. But these do not exist (despite elitist Hollywood liberal claims to the contrary). What to do then? What to do…

Haven’t you been paying attention, stupid? Go into the future to get a flux capacitor after they are invented, then you can go anywhere you want! I mean, anywhen!

Easy as pie.⁴ Perhaps you are asking now, if time travel to the past may one day be possible, why are we not overrun by time tourists from the future, as they must be traveling the hell out of time, all the time? Is that even a question? The answer is obvious, again. Because now is boring. Why would anyone come here? The mere fact that you asked about time travel implies that now is boring and you want to go elsewhen. So why would you be so Hollywood elitist to assume that future generations would want to come now when they could go then? Do you see now? Wow, you’re dense (like time).

Anyway, at least my smart readers will understand my point, even if Floyd/Manuel doesn’t.

That’s all for now.

1. Not a scientific unit of measurement.
2. Apologies to the good writers on the Simpsons, all of whom left years ago.
3. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.
4. Full disclosure: I don’t know how to make pie.

WORDPLAY:

I think my dog is in heat. Luckily, it’s a dry heat. #idontreallyhaveadog

Obviously.

REACTION:

Erectile dysfunction commercials make me long for a time when impotence was so shameful a condition that we dare not speak its euphemisms.

Seriously, shut up already.

REACTION:

My skills: verb conjugation, competitive sweating, keeping my software up to date. My deficiencies: everything else. Goodnight.

Obviously.

STUPID:

I need coffee like a snapping turtle needs fingers (for snapping). Yes, I need coffee for snapping… Listen, just get off my case, OK?!

Nothing.

REACTION:

Um, football, football touchdown interception. Teams and football things. Tackle. Winning and stuff. Football.

Seriously, shut up already.

WORDPLAY:

Twitter is textual intercourse.

Obviously.

WISDOM:

People are dumb. It’s what separates us from the animals.

Seriously, shut up already.

REACTION:

At least no one can accuse me of being unprincipled. #thingsassholessaytomakethemselvesfeelbetter

Nothing.

WISDOM:

I love music more than you love your mother.

Obviously.

STUPID:

Whenever a window pops up on my computer screen asking, “Are you sure you want to quit?” I spend the next 20 minutes mired in self-doubt.

Nothing.

WISDOM:

I enjoy subverting expectations.

Nothing brings me joy quite like someone thinking they know something, but in fact not knowing anything.

REACTION:

I am very wise: The only reason anyone’s single is because they’re too picky. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be; I’m just sayin’.

This was in reaction to someone else’s toot that was along the lines of, “Another reason I’m single: I like to wear ugly socks to bed.” This was tooted by some hot chick somewhere. This always annoys me, even though it’s not meant to be taken seriously, because (1) I hate it when attractive people complain about being single like there aren’t a baker’s dozen a-holes in their phonebook right now that would go out with them if given the chance, and (2) it’s dumb. There are probably legitimate reasons that certain people wouldn’t want to date you—like you’re a nagging bitch or you’ve cheated on every one of your last seven girlfriends—but your little quirks (which you apparently think are somehow cute because you won’t shut up about them) are not the reasons. The fact is, if “being single” was the only issue for you, you could probably solve it fairly easily. But no, you want someone good, so quit your bitching and own up to it.

Stuff like this must be why I’m still single.

WISDOM:

Quadruple amputees are people too. They put their pants on one leg at a time, just like you and me.

I was hoping that this, in additional to being super funny, would offend people. I didn’t get any reaction, but I’m confident that someone out there thinks I’m a baker’s dozen a-hole because of it. Anyway, the cool thing is, it’s not a joke about people without legs (those greasy, drunken freaks!); it’s a joke about idioms.

REACTION:

My car is making awful noises. I’ve been putting it off, but I think it may finally be time to invest in some earplugs.

Seriously, shut up already.

WISDOM:

One of my guiding principles of life: Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. (You ask stupid questions.)

Obviously.

WORDPLAY:

Artificial art official.

Nothing.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest (now I’m caught up on the backlog).