This is Conlan http://thisisconlan.com i write words Thu, 17 May 2012 19:11:15 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 47 http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ThisIsConlan/~3/8rElWArhyfE/ http://thisisconlan.com/2012/05/17/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-47/#comments Thu, 17 May 2012 18:12:39 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=1923 And now: commentary about not-really-commentary (or is it?), wherein I overanalyze my own Twitter jokes.

REACTION:

I, like most geniuses, am I intrigued by the mid-00s Disney Channel show That’s So Raven. I’ve never seen the show, nor do I know anything about it, except that it was a vehicle for one Raven-Symoné of Cosby Show shark-jumping fame (and no, I don’t know why her name is spelled like that). The intriguing thing about it, to me, is that the title was so obviously trying to be a catchphrase, but it’s just really weird and awkward. Like I said, I never watched it, so I don’t know if characters on the show actually said, “That’s so Raven,” but if they did: weird.

Anyway, in the movie The Raven—based on Edgar Allan Poe or something—it would be funny if someone said, “That’s so Raven.” I’m sure other people have made the Poe/Symoné connection before, but that’s life, ya know?

WISDOM:

This is a funny take on a Native-American-or-something proverb. It doesn’t really make sense.

WORDPLAY:

Funny because it’s true.

STUPID:

There’s a joke that goes like this: “There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who can’t.” It’s a funny joke, but I’ve heard it more than twice so I hate it. This toot was meant to play on the expectation of that joke. By setting it up as “three types of people: those who can count…”, you think I’m gonna do something funny with numbers, but instead I don’t. Also, sandwiches and breakdancing are common motifs of mine, so they’re kind of like Easter eggs.

REACTION:

As someone who—like many or most of you—has been the victim of petty criminals (and I mean petty in both the legal and the ontological senses), I appreciate it when dirtbags get their comeuppance. It’s as simple as that. Again, sorry to all my criminal friends.

WORDPLAY:

This is a very funny joke about wearing or not wearing things. You should retweet this one immediately. At least favorite it, gee whiz.

STUPID:

This statement is not theologically sound.

WORDPLAY:

Don’t be a dick.

STUPID:

And:

I threw these two away in a Midnight Dump, but a couple weeks later a funny person on Twitter made me wish I’d tried to turn them into actual jokes, rather than just stupid things to say:

See, this is a funny joke, not just a stupid thing to say.[1]

WISDOM:

This is meant to be taken ironically.

That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

  1. I think this is a the first time I’ve posted someone else’s toot in a TIT episode. This sets a dangerous precedent, because other people are funnier than me. I can already feel my self-esteem plummeting and my will to write things dwindling. Let’s move on.


]]> http://thisisconlan.com/2012/05/17/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-47/feed/ 0 http://thisisconlan.com/2012/05/17/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-47/ Problems http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ThisIsConlan/~3/HYPmfWRiq44/ http://thisisconlan.com/2012/05/15/problems/#comments Tue, 15 May 2012 20:33:52 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=1920
  • Secondhand smoke.
  • Inevitability of death.
  • Bonsai trees.
  • Uncomfortable shoes.
  • Thinning hair.
  • Wrinkled shirts.
  • Pleated pants.
  • Stinky feet.
  • Out of paper towel.
  • Dirty dishes.
  • Social anxiety.
  • Nobody understands me.
  • Need more fiber in my diet.
  • A do-nothing congress.
  • Two left feet.
  • Lawsuit from that botched foot-reattachment operation.
  • A do-something congress.
  • Lies.
  • Damn lies.
  • Need to think of 83 more problems.
  • Statistics.
  • Asbestos.
  • Car is making weird noises.
  • Ear wax.
  • Bathroom sink is clogged.
  • Climate change.
  • Why isn’t all yogurt Greek yogurt?
  • #kony2012
  • Your platitude attitude.
  • Nausea.
  • It’s too hot.
  • Children are being abused.
  • Children are starving.
  • Children are obese.
  • Children are ugly and stupid and smell bad.
  • Nose itches.
  • Traffic on the Fulton Mall?
  • Not tall enough to touch the ceiling.
  • Client hasn’t paid me.
  • Baseball caps look dumb on people who aren’t at baseball games.
  • Can’t find my toenail clippers.
  • Dandruff.
  • Beard dandruff.
  • Back dandruff.
  • Psoriasis.
  • Tired.
  • Good TV shows getting canceled.
  • Can’t play a musical instrument.
  • People who refer to glockenspiels as xylophones.
  • Noisy people in movie theaters.
  • Bad beer.
  • Typos.
  • Fake celebrity Twitter accounts.
  • Teenagers.
  • Manipulation.
  • Hitler’s ghost.
  • Doritos Locos tacos.
  • Mismatched socks.
  • Unrequited love.
  • Unrequited bongos.
  • Scandinavians.
  • Cat food commercials.
  • Jumping jacks.
  • Influency.
  • Trigonometry.
  • Nicholas Cage.
  • Angry birds (literally).
  • Inertia.
  • Not nearly famous enough.
  • Ennui.
  • Popular music.
  • Pop culture.
  • Popular Mechanics.
  • Angry Birds (the game).
  • Dysthymia.
  • Two of the Four Tops.
  • Angry Birds (the reality TV show).
  • Reality TV.
  • Cancer, in general.
  • Dust.
  • Hassles.
  • Tassels.
  • Castles.
  • No purpose in life.
  • Fleas.
  • Scumbags.
  • Sleazeballs.
  • Rat-bastards.
  • High-fructose corn syrup.
  • Dancing.
  • Hydrogenated oils.
  • Too good-looking?
  • No superpowers.
  • Chinese knockoffs.
  • Pseudoscience.
  • Tomfoolery.
  • Google+.
  • Bad poetry.
  • Hidden meanings.

    • Hey, how about that? Not one.


    ]]>     http://thisisconlan.com/2012/05/15/problems/feed/ 0 http://thisisconlan.com/2012/05/15/problems/     This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 46 http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ThisIsConlan/~3/FZ0N6DvIMK8/ http://thisisconlan.com/2012/05/11/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-46/#comments Fri, 11 May 2012 22:59:43 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=1914 Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

    WORDPLAY:

    Get it? I wrong. I guess this technically means I act unjustly toward people, but I like to view it (more poetically) as meaning I screw up a lot. Hire me!

    WISDOM:

    This is funny, Jay-Z, because it’s true. Ninety-nine problems is a lot of problems. That’s all I’ll say about that for now (foreshadowing).

    REACTION:

    Last month, a 79-year-old white separatist was shot in the face during a home invasion. He looked like Santa Claus. (Watch the video in the link. He’s really cute.) He wasn’t seriously hurt.

    This story stuck me as hilarious. It was right over the edge of perfect. I don’t support racism, but I also don’t support shooting people in the face; so it would’ve been hard to make light of it if the guy had been life-threateningly hurt or killed. But, as it was, this story really was perfect. A racist getting shot in the face (but not seriously injured)? Yes, sign me up. That’s good comedy. Plus, there was his funny, crazy grandpa appearance, and I was totally on board. I mean, come on. You couldn’t have written it any better.

    REACTION:

    I didn’t think of a punchline, but do you really need one?

    I did have another another joke about that went like this: “This guy is what Santa Claus would be like if, instead of loving all the children of the world, he wanted to exterminate them.”

    STUPID:

    Just a reminder.

    STUPID:

    This is funny because I’ve got over 800 Twitter followers, but I only have sex with, like, half of them. But I phrased it like the cliché of the stupid teenage girl writing into an advice column, so it’s funny. (Spoiler alert: If you’re asking yourself this question, he’s probably just using you for sex.)

    REACTION:

    This is a moneymaker no matter how you slice it. You have a few great options: you could have celebrities (like Lionel Richie or Joy Behar) performing dental work on apes. Or you could have veterinary dentists (who are human) performing dental work on celebrity apes, like Coco or someone. Or (my favorite) you could have a celebrity ape (like Coco) performing dental work on unsuspecting humans.

    You can’t see me right now, but I’m making the ape-sign-language sign for “dollar signs”. Call me, The Donald. Let’s make this happen.

    WORDPLAY:

    This is just dumb.

    STUPID:

    Somebody had to.

    WISDOM:

    As with my toot about sexual predators, the context of my jokes often affects their meaning. Here is another example:

    SPECIAL SPORTS SECTION

    REACTION:

    And then:

    REACTION:

    I actually conceived the second toot first. I saw a commercial about hockey and wrote in my notepad, “Hockey is the soccer of other stuff no one cares about.” I liked the weird, implied joke construction of this one (the implication being that no one cares about either hockey or soccer enough to even make a comparison about how much no one cares about them).

    Normally I would’ve posted it as it was and moved on. But I had been saving a preachy toot for a while and thought this would be a good opportunity to unleash some pontification. The problem was, if I left the hockey/soccer joke as it was, I wouldn’t win enough people to my side of the argument (so I could then pull the rug out from underneath them and do that whole self-alienation thing I do so well).

    I wrote the first toot, “Hockey is the football of stuff no one cares about,” to get the football fans on my side (and turn the hockey fans against me). Then I followed up with the soccer/hockey toot to turn soccer fans against me too. So, at this point, the soccer-hating football fans were on my side and the hockey and soccer fans hated me. And then BAM:

    WISDOM:

    Take that, football fans! I’m saying that you’re the ones being jerks! See? Now the football fans should hate me and the hockey and soccer fans should realize I was being ironic, but they probably can’t get over the fact that I said no one cared about their sports in the first place, so we end up with everyone hating me. Mission accomplished.

    It’s also worth noting: my point isn’t that no one would care if you died. My point is, people care about lots of different stuff, so maybe don’t be such a dick about it, OK?

    That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.


    ]]>     http://thisisconlan.com/2012/05/11/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-46/feed/ 0 http://thisisconlan.com/2012/05/11/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-46/     This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 45 http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ThisIsConlan/~3/2Ds8ZiDI6jE/ http://thisisconlan.com/2012/05/08/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-45/#comments Tue, 08 May 2012 20:30:31 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=1910 Hey.

    STUPID:

    This is funny because it’s true. If you really were opposed to pants, and you were wearing pants, then you would literally pull down your pants.[1]

    WISDOM:

    What smartass kid didn’t immediately say “I want to be a junkie when I grow up!” after seeing that commercial? I know I did. Irony is funny no matter how old you are.

    REACTION:

    Facebook just puts pictures of people who know people you know in front of your face. It’s weird.

    WORDPLAY:

    This doesn’t make sense.

    STUPID:

    This is not strictly true.

    WORDPLAY:

    I Midnight Dumped this because I couldn’t come up with an actual joke for it, but I think it’s funny.

    STUPID:

    I didn’t actually do this. It’s just a joke. But I imagine they wouldn’t think it was very funny. But I bet a meth-head would think it was funny. So, know your audience.

    STUPID:

    I like this one. I chose “putting your yogurt in the freezer for 30 minutes” because it’s something that I really do, but I probably should have used something a little more pathetic.

    STUPID:

    I think I screwed up with this one too. Maybe “naked in a women’s locker room” wasn’t the funniest place.

    STUPID:

    This is funny. Retweet it.

    WISDOM:

    This is a true story. Well, not exactly. My teacher asked the class as a whole, and I leaned over to the girl next to me and said, “Platonic.” She and I thought it was really funny, so we laughed and laughed and were asked to leave the classroom until we could compose ourselves. That really happened.

    STUPID:

    The ol’ switcheroo.

    STUPID:

    A rose by any other name…

    WISDOM:

    See, this is funny because I couldn’t remember the past.

    I forgot what I’m supposed to say at the end of these.

    1. Did you ever notice how “pulling down your pants” is really more “pushing” than “pulling”? Observational humor!


    ]]>     http://thisisconlan.com/2012/05/08/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-45/feed/ 0 http://thisisconlan.com/2012/05/08/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-45/     This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 44 http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ThisIsConlan/~3/nb8H_ImLr20/ http://thisisconlan.com/2012/05/02/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-44/#comments Wed, 02 May 2012 19:33:42 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=1903 And now, this.

    WISDOM:

    I like this one for its paradoxical form, but I don’t think it’s quite amusing enough to make it really good.

    WORDPLAY:

    This is pretty funny. You should retweet it.

    REACTION:

    So I guess Kanye West is dating, or was dating, or wanted to date Kim Kardashian or something.[1] This is not so much a joke about Kim Kardashian’s vacuousness as it is a joke about Kanye West being kind of a hypocrite. He’s supposedly such a discriminating talent-snob that he was upset enough to rudely interrupt someone’s award acceptance speech, yet he feels OK being in a relationship with a person who has no discernible talent other than looking kind of pretty and having a sex tape.

    WORDPLAY:

    I’m proud of this one. You should retweet this, too.

    REACTION:

    I just think this would be funny.

    REACTION:

    See, this is funny is because they aren’t very good.

    WISDOM:

    This is good advice, I think.

    STUPID:

    Yep.

    STUPID:

    Because I don’t want good buttered cat-toast to go to waste.

    OK, that’s all for this episode.

    1. I get most of my popular pop culture news by glancing at headlines of articles I don’t read.


    ]]>     http://thisisconlan.com/2012/05/02/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-44/feed/ 0 http://thisisconlan.com/2012/05/02/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-44/     This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 43 http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ThisIsConlan/~3/y68TcG2hORc/ http://thisisconlan.com/2012/04/30/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-43/#comments Mon, 30 Apr 2012 17:12:47 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=1893 If you’re new here, This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest is where I over-explain stupid things I say on Twitter (which are called “toots”). I categorize each toot as either wisdom, wordplay, reaction, or stupid. Wisdom is profound stuff, wordplay is puns and stuff, reaction is reactions to stuff, and stupid is very profound stuff. Also, the categories are essentially meaningless. Let’s go!

    REACTION:

    I don’t think that’s too much to ask. But that’s probably because I’m a narcissist.

    WORDPLAY:

    This is not true. It’s actually poisson. That’s the French word for fish, see.

    Then a few weeks later I tooted this:

    It roughly translates to, “Do not eat poison in America. It is the fish!” I like this because (1) it requires people to translate it (and it required me to translate it from English), which isn’t hard with the internet[1], but the added complexity amuses me. Also (2), I think it’s funny to tell people not to eat poison.

    Interestingly, the word poison is the same in both French and English. So if you’re ever in France and order fish at a restaurant, make sure your pronunciation is perfect, because your waiter might be a stickler. You know how French people are.

    And while I’m at it, this:

    In Japanese, this means “It is raining yen Hallelujah.” Translating “It’s raining yen”[2] to Japanese is funny because, presumably, the Japanese word for men doesn’t rhyme with yen, which makes the joke pointless in Japanese. Also, I’m not sure if Google translated yen as the English word yen or the Japanese currency yen. If it is the English word, then this makes even less less sense, which I think is just delightful.

    REACTION:

    Looks like she has a few secret families, too. I’m blowing the lid off this story.

    WISDOM:

    I’ve tooted this idea before, and I’ll toot it again. Many experts and myself agree that when people hypercorrect their speech, they end up sounding especially ignorant to people who understand grammar rules and actual usage.

    Also, while you’re at it, you could probably stop saying myself when you really mean me or I. As a rule of thumb, myself should be reserved for sentences where you’ve already said I, like “I am punching myself in the face.” Saying “Jimmy, Steve, and myself are going to rob the liquor store” is wrong. None of you should rob the liquor store, but if you do, “Jimmy, Steve, and I are going to rob the liquor store.”

    I’m not gonna tell you how to live your life; I’m just letting you know how these things come across to other people.

    WISDOM:

    This one isn’t funny. It’s just super profound. I’ve seen so many people get into shitty relationships—and become so passionately invested in them—when the other person just wasn’t worth it. The only way I can make sense of it: I think they’re caught up in the story of the relationship to the point that they overlook the actual person they’re with. This seems like a bad idea to me.

    These next few aren’t funny, either.

    WISDOM:

    Fashion, as a concept, seems explicitly designed to ensure you never feel good about yourself. You can never be good enough, because what’s fashionable is constantly changing (for no practical reason). I don’t want people to feel bad about themselves for no reason, so I dislike fashion.

    WISDOM:

    Wow, this rich CEO just made a big donation to cancer research.[3] Well, that’s nice… but wait, what do we have here? His mother was just diagnosed with colon cancer! Of course he wants to “find a cure” because he’d benefit from it directly! Can you believe the corruption—and the unmitigated gall!—of some people? It’s enough to make you sick.

    WISDOM:

    I’m not against all April Fools’ Day jokes. The best ones achieve the level of great satire, but satire is hard. Most people think that just tricking someone into believing something untrue is a funny joke. But it’s not a joke; it’s just lying. Which is boring (and gets old fast).

    STUPID:

    This is an exaggeration. It’s not every day, but lately I actually have been saying “April Fools!” instead of “just kidding”. It’s just for fun. I wouldn’t read into it too much. April Fools! I would read into it too much! See, it’s my subtle way of protesting the bad April Fools’ jokes. It’s like, if you can celebrate April Fools’ Day by telling stupid lies, then April Fools’ Day doesn’t mean anything, so I’m going to say “April Fools!” even when it’s not April Fools’ Day because it doesn’t mean anything. See?

    That concludes this episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

    1. Good Twitter apps include a “translate” button, which makes it even easier.
    2. Which, let me be clear, is a very stupid joke.
    3. This is just an example.


    ]]>     http://thisisconlan.com/2012/04/30/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-43/feed/ 0 http://thisisconlan.com/2012/04/30/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-43/     10 Grossly Oversimplified Tips for Enjoying Life More http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ThisIsConlan/~3/ZgY3wtd7uu4/ http://thisisconlan.com/2012/04/27/10-grossly-oversimplified-tips-for-enjoying-life-more/#comments Fri, 27 Apr 2012 17:03:38 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=1888 The internet is a great place to find useful tips for everything: cooking, dancing, working, and living. I’ve learned so much from helpful articles on the internet that I decided to contribute my own proven Tips for Enjoying Life More.

    1. Fulfill your potential. Stop not fulfilling your potential, and start fulfilling it.
    2. Live life to the fullest. If you’ve been living life only part-way, stop it. Live it the full way.
    3. Eliminate unhappiness. I know what you’re thinking: “But I need my unhappiness!” I don’t think you do. Get rid of it.
    4. Give 111%. If you’ve only been giving 110%, quit being such an asshole! Give 111%.
    5. Be smarter. Don’t be so stupid.
    6. While you’re at it, quit being ugly. Nobody likes an uggo. Life will be more enjoyable once you become more attractive. 
    7. Stop screwing up. It sure would be nice if you didn’t make so many boneheaded mistakes.
    8. Succeed. If you’re tired of failing, try succeeding for a change.
    9. Attain inner peace. Some people try to enjoy life without attaining inner peace, but I really think life is better with it.
    10. Enjoy life more. Once you start enjoying life more, you’ll be enjoying life more in no time.

    Put these ten quick and easy tips to work and you’ll see a difference right away. Now get out there and start Enjoying Life More!


    ]]>     http://thisisconlan.com/2012/04/27/10-grossly-oversimplified-tips-for-enjoying-life-more/feed/ 0 http://thisisconlan.com/2012/04/27/10-grossly-oversimplified-tips-for-enjoying-life-more/     A Very Special This is Twittering, Episode 42.5 http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ThisIsConlan/~3/ndww5z0AMP4/ http://thisisconlan.com/2012/04/26/a-very-special-this-is-twittering-episode-42-5/#comments Thu, 26 Apr 2012 17:53:21 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=1879 And now, a very special episode of This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

    Let’s get serious for a minute. It’ll be fun.

    This is not a joke about creepy perverts (both male and female). It’s a joke about the jokes that some people make about creepy perverts.

    Here’s the thing: everyone I’ve ever met had a crush on a teacher while in high school. I did. You did. Your mom did. So, when some people hear about a teacher hooking up with a male student, they put themselves in the teen’s shoes and think it must have been awesome for him, getting to live out a fantasy scenario like that. And after all, boys will be boys, and being boys means boning any body with boobs. But here’s the other thing: we shouldn’t be putting ourselves in the teen’s shoes. Because teenagers are idiots. If you don’t think you were an idiot as a teenager, you’re still an idiot. For even the most mature teenager, when looking back on those years as an adult, they recognize just how naive they were and just how little they really understood.

    That’s why the responsibility of high school teachers is so great. It’s their job to teach and guide these little idiots as they transition into adulthood. They are authority figures in every sense of the word. For the most part, society recognizes this dynamic when it’s a male teacher taking advantage of a female student. But the double standard is such that we shake our heads disapprovingly when the student is female and give each other high-fives when the student is male.

    I want to be clear: I have no problem with joking about sexual predators (or racism or the Holocaust or the Federal Reserve).[1] My concern is that the people making these jokes often don’t view these teachers as the predators they are.

    My point isn’t that these teens are being manipulated into something they don’t want to do. My point is that it doesn’t matter, because teens are idiots. And, as adults and as society, we ought not be contributing to their idiocy. That’s what I think. (I’m sure you picked up on all that when you read the original toot.)[2]

    As long as we’re getting serious, let’s get even more serious. This issue is even more serious than statutory rape because it deals with comedy and Twitter (if you’re not on Twitter, skip it):

    I wrote several hundred words on this subject, but then realized it was mostly sour grapes, so I scrapped it. It boils down to this: fake “celebrity” Twitter accounts are a cynical mashup of manipulation, dishonesty, and bad comedy that I just cannot abide. If you’re following a “celebrity” account,[3] I implore you: stop supporting hack losers who are piggybacking on the images of well-known people. Support actual funny people on Twitter. And there are plenty.

    Here are are some actual people who are actually funny, without relying on your preconceived notions or memories of comedy past (I highly encourage you to follow some or all of them):

    These folks are all funny in very different ways, and they’re all uniquely, genuinely themselves. Support authenticity, please. For once in your godforsaken life. Thank you.

    1. Remind me to tell you sometime why I think humor is a perfectly acceptable and often beneficial response to the worst things in the world.
    2. I don’t know if people always realize when I’m being satirical with toots like this. But that’s just a risk I have to take.
    3. And, if you’re not the type of person who notices the verified status of an account, it’s very possible you are following some of these a-holes without knowing it.


    ]]>     http://thisisconlan.com/2012/04/26/a-very-special-this-is-twittering-episode-42-5/feed/ 0 http://thisisconlan.com/2012/04/26/a-very-special-this-is-twittering-episode-42-5/     This is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 42 http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ThisIsConlan/~3/kowFByZOkWU/ http://thisisconlan.com/2012/04/23/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-42/#comments Mon, 23 Apr 2012 17:42:48 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=1874 What’s this? This is Twittering.

    STUPID:

    I like this joke for three reasons: (1) a fart wouldn’t have much of an effect in a wind tunnel, so it makes sense as an idiom, (2) a fart probably wouldn’t ever help anything—wind tunnel or not—so it makes no sense at all, and (3) farts.

    WISDOM:

    Please star this on Twitter. Because I’m a star.

    WISDOM:

    This is ironic because I don’t have an indomitable optimism about humanity. Or maybe I do. Either way, it’s tough.

    REACTION:

    This is dumb.

    WISDOM:

    This is mean. (But maybe true?)

    STUPID:

    You think I’m just making a dumb joke here, but what if I’m not? What if we’re all wrong about love? What if love isn’t about passion and fuzzy feelings of adoration? What’s if it’s really about shared commitment, dedication to a common goal, and occasional after-hours orgies on a big spinning wheel?

    REACTION:

    This is not a joke about suicide or religion. It’s a joke about platitudes.

    STUPID:

    I forget why this sentence popped into my head, but I remember that it did, fully formed (and it refers to me). I just like the way it sounds.

    REACTION:

    I’m not talking about the fact that the chances of winning are 1 in 175,000,000. What I was referencing here is the pseudo-statistical games I saw people playing. I saw someone online say that the chance of there being multiple winners remains the same no matter how many people buy tickets. This is of course not true: the more people who buy tickets, the higher the likelihood that (if the winning numbers are chosen) two or more people will split the jackpot. Others were claiming that your chances of winning are higher if you choose numbers numbers over 31 because so many people pick their numbers based on dates. This may increase the chances of not splitting a winning a jackpot, but it doesn’t change the chances of winning any single draw (which is always exactly the same). The odds of the winning numbers being 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 is exactly the same as them being 3, 14, 28, 35, 39, 42.[1] Sequential winning numbers just don’t happen often because there are so many other potential non-sequential possibilities.

    I don’t play the lotto, but I have no problem with people who do. I just don’t want people operating under false premises. The More You Know.™

    WISDOM:

    This one didn’t really turn out how I’d hoped. The joke is that, just because your mom taught you something, that doesn’t mean it’s true or a good idea. But I don’t think I found the right punchline that was funny, universal, and true. Besides, my mom didn’t teach me to only say nice things.

    That concludes this episode.

    1. This is disregarding the Mega Number, but the principle is the same.


    ]]>     http://thisisconlan.com/2012/04/23/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-42/feed/ 0 http://thisisconlan.com/2012/04/23/this-is-twittering-meta-commentary-digest-episode-42/     Ask Conlan: Boiling http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ThisIsConlan/~3/kI37KyDE2PU/ http://thisisconlan.com/2012/04/20/ask-conlan-boiling/#comments Fri, 20 Apr 2012 17:37:09 +0000 Conlan http://thisisconlan.com/?p=1863 A reader writes:

    Dear Conlan,

    How do I figure out what to do with my life? I need to find a new job and I just don’t know where to start.

    Sincerely,
    Meandering in Minnesota

    Thanks for your question, Madarin. It’s not uncommon for people of a certain age to wonder what it all really means and where they’re all really going and why it’s all WTF, dude. In fact, this question reminds me of a story…

    Not too long ago there was a dog named Stanley. He was exactly six feet long (from nose to tail). That’s why they called him “The Human Tape Measure”. One day Stanley wanted to eat some bagels or some other kind of boiled bread. So he went to New York City, birthplace of the Bronx Boilers. Then Stanley was run over by a subway train and died (this was before 9/11).

    The moral of the story is: don’t go chasing bagelfalls. Please stick to being a dog that’s a human tape measure.

    The other part of your question (i.e., needing to find a new job and just don’t knowing where to start) is trickier. The obvious answer is, start at the beginning. But the right answer isn’t usually the obvious answer, because that’s not how TV mystery shows work. The right answer is: the old lady from the beginning of the episode who lived across the hall from the dead guy. She killed him because he was mean to her cat! What a twist!

    In conclusion, I hope my insight has helped put Me-and-Da-Ring (rap name) on the path to a happy and healthy 2009.

    If you hate your life and have a question you’d like to Ask Conlan, please find me and ask it.


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