This Lil Porno Mine

THAT ORCA HAS ABS

2010-01-14T16:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I don't have the right words to describe what I am going to show you, so let me just show you:

(okay so apparently Yiffytube doesnt work that well so here's a link: http://www.yiffytube.com/view/44/orca-spoo/)

That orca has abs.

:(

The Best Part of Waking Up

2010-01-06T09:41:00.000-08:00

The above photo is a trophy wall of items retrieved from various rectums that is kept on the wall of a Russian Hospital.

YES, THAT IS A COFFEE MUG.

The posting process for this blog usually goes like this:

1. I find one thing randomly that I deem post-worthy. This random item usually dictates the theme for the post.

2. I then search for related items.

By following that pattern, naturally today's post should end with a slew of coffee mug related videos.

RIGHT? WRONG.

You know why? Because even though I had my pick of THOUSANDS of videos of dudes pissing into coffee mugs and drinking it, I decided not to go there.

Instead, I found something far. more. disturbing.

THE BUTTERBATH TUBMASTER

When I first noticed the "butter" tag on Xtube, I assumed I would find about a billion videos of butter being used as lube. And I did. With one, very notable, exception:

Now, I don't expect you to sit through eight and a half minutes of this guy rubbing butter all over himself (he goes through 2 tubs!) and then running a bath. I don't even really recommend it, unless you think you can gain some elusive spiritual understanding from it. I just want you to watch the first couple minutes, because LOOK AT HOW CREEPY THIS GUY IS:

That's a face that says "I actually want to smother you in butter until you can't breathe anymore then I want to roll your buttered corpse around in some flour then deep fry you and wear your fried skin as a jacket."

One more thing....

I watched a 9 minute video of someone's testicles that had been infused with 7 litres of saline before I realized there was no embed code. Since I can't share the horror of the video with you, I screencapped:

Just for you!

Life is like a hurricane...

2010-01-02T18:01:00.000-08:00

Hey there kids.

I'll be honest, I almost pulled the plug on the ol' porno bloggo.

The whole facebook incident really got to me. I was tired of seeing really horrible things when researching material for this blog. The internet is a really disturbing place, in case you have been stuck in The Lone Wolf Tavern since 1999 and hadn't already noticed.

Also I got about 100,000 viruses and burnt out the harddrive on my laptop that I had for less than 6 months.

Anyhoo..

I managed to get a new computer, some really intense anti-everything software, and a renewed tolerance for the internet...

SO LET'S TALK ABOUT DUCK PENIS

just play that on loop while you read this.

There is this really amazing article on duck genitalia you guys should read. However, I know full well you guys are spatial learners so I will keep it short and sweet, then show you a video or two.

...In brief, Brennan wanted to understand why some ducks have such extravagant penises. Why are they cork-screw shaped? Why do they get so ridiculously long–some cases as long as the duck’s entire body? As Brennan dissected duck penises, she began to wonder what the female sexual anatomy looked like. If you have a car like this, she said, what kind of garage do you park it in?....

.... But while male duck penises twist clockwise, the female oviduct twists counterclockwise....

In mammals, the penis becomes erect as blood flows into the spongy tissue. Ducks pump lymph fluid instead. And as the fluid enters the penis, it does not simply become engorged. It flips rightside-out.

Eversion in air: from blogs.discovermagazine.com/loom from Carl Zimmer on Vimeo.

That is a duck penis becoming erect slowed down 10x. Let me repeat..

THAT IS A DUCK PENIS BECOMING ERECT SLOWED DOWN 10X OMFG MY CERVIX HURTS

...Of course, drakes don’t mate with the air. Having made this video, Brennan still needed a way to see how a duck penis actually performs its appointed task. Unable to film duck penises in a real female oviduct, she built a fake oviduct out of silcone. She then managed to get a drake to mate with it. But the overwhelming force of the explosive penis broke the fake oviduct.
So Brennan turned to glass. Her new fake oviducts were strong enough to handle the drakes, and she started filming. Here’s what she saw....

Eversions in barriers / from blogs.discovermagazine.com/loom from Carl Zimmer on Vimeo.

In case you didn't see, in that last fake duck vag, the male ducks penis BURSTS THROUGH.

IT BURSTS THROUGH THE VAGINA

Science is fascinating and it made my lady parts ache.

Now, it's a stretch (or is it) if I let this post end by saying that this counts as porn because someone out there must jerk off to ducks. That is probably (100%) true, but just to err on the side of caution, here is some duck porn:

He puts on a condom to avoid avian flu, obviously.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2009-12-31T12:03:00.001-08:00

Holiday....

Celebrate....

If we took a holiday...

Took some time to celebrate...

Just one day out of life....

It would be...

It would be so nice....

See you in 2010

Pussy.

2009-12-02T21:15:00.000-08:00

This is kind of a personal rant. I just want to warn you in advance that this is not a pleasant post about pussy. This post will have links to very graphic imagery. Imagery that This Lil Porno Mine does not condone in any way, shape or form. I just want to make a point about the warped decency standards on the internet.

There is one thing... ONLY ONE FUCKING THING.. that I have ever seen on the internet that I vowed I would never want to see ever again.

I have gone to great lengths to avoid this thing.

And I have to be honest.. the last place I thought I would find it is on FUCKING FACEBOOK.

See, Japan has this fetish niche that involves women in high heels crushing kittens to death by stomping on their heads.

(note that the link there has images from the very video I saw. click at your own risk.)

Obviously I have a personal problem with that. I don't need to go any further than that. This is my blog and I already posted about that horrible bear video, so I made a conscious decision to leave most animals dying out of my blog.

However, I am bringing all of this up now, because I have a bone to pick... and that bone is with you, FACEBOOK.

When I tried to make the This Lil Porno Mine fan page, (which is really thriving with all four friends because people are afraid to befriend a porn comedy site because their parents might see. oh noes! like your parents don't already see all your fucking drunken status updates and questionable photos. believe me, we are the least of your parent's concerns. pussies), I had a lot of trouble, because Facebook's weird standards of decency prohibit the word "PORNO" in a username.

Really?

This coming from the website that allowed the whole "kick a ginger day" debacle?

The website that allows a Pro-Rape/Anti-Consent group to exist FOR MONTHS?

Fine. So I got over that hurdle by making "porno" and "mine" one word. And all was well.

But this thorn remains in my side, Facebook, and I can't let it go. Especially now, when I see that once again... it's not okay to mention the word "porno" but it's totally fucking okay to have more than one photo album of you murdering a cat?

Can someone explain this to me, please?

Can someone explain why this fan page can not only exist but can also have photos like this up like it's no big deal, but I can't have the word "porno" in my username?

Social Networking doesn't work because like society, it can't be policed in a way that makes sense.

Fuck you, Facebook.

Fuck you, Facebook, for banning photos of women breast-feeding their babies but allowing rape and animal abuse to live on your servers.

Fuck you, Facebook, for having no other priorities other than making sure I might get a "dislike" button, and that Farmville runs more smoothly. Govern all, or govern none, but take some responsibility for the shit you DO let slip through the cracks.

Myspace would.

Alice in Wonderland

2009-12-02T16:39:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't normally do this, since I don't think any of you will watch it, but for the first time I am posting an entire movie. It's fucking worth it.

Alice In Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical

you will never believe you're watching a porno

I will post a regular post tomorrow. This was just too fantastic not to share.

Video Phone

2009-11-28T17:24:00.000-08:00

*no this is not the original post i promised, but sometimes stuff falls into my lap that needs to be posted about ASAP*

Allow this video to provide the proper soundtrack and ambiance for today's post:

In case you were wondering/have no concept of popular culture, the video above is a parody of "Video Phone" by Beyonce featuring Lady Gaga. I feel that it goes perfectly with what I wanted to talk about today.

Hey did you know there is a website called Guys With iPhones?

It's basically an assortment of photos men have taken of themselves in various states of undress using their iPhones. Simple enough. There is also Girls with iPhones, which isn't as funny and that shouldn't surprise anyone. (Excuse my feminism, and don't worry this won't be a huge sausage fest...I'll post some ladies I promise.)

So when I first stumbled upon the site I imagined I would be assaulted with the full frontal of a bevy of (formerly) Ed Hardy clad douchebags who had leftovers from sending their penis to everyone on Facebook and Craigslist who might give a damn. And sure, I did see some of that... but there was so much more to it than that:

There were Gentlemen

An adorable boy who looks a LOT like the guy who played Godric on True Blood (please let it be him!)

There were Bunnies!

Chuck E Cheese

Um..Jesus?

Jesus would have an iPhone. He also drives a Prius but doesn't recycle, fyi.

Some guy who had a padlock on his dick

ouch

And of course there were some who just couldn't get the angle on their n00dz right

And this...

it puts the lotion on its skin....

As far as the ladies go... All I have to say is they need to step it up. You get four types of iPhone Girls:

Ultra high maintenence, unrealistic sexuality

2. Awkward realistic-while-unappealing sexuality

3. Dressing room photos that are just of outfits you tried on (BORING)

4. Girls who just can't get the angles right.

I am disappointed, ladies. Go watch this video...let Beyonce teach you about angles and appeal... and come back with some real winners:

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T10:33:00.001-08:00

You knew this was going to happen:

Updates and Auctions

2009-11-25T14:14:00.000-08:00

Hello there!

First thing I would like to do is walk you through some of the recent site changes.

Yes, the layout has changed. The other one was fancier, but it loaded slowly and was hard to read so we have moved onto something simpler. Yeah, we don't look as cool but you also won't need glasses after reading us either. Win/Win.
The Subscribe feature finally works! Yay!
There is going to be more advertising. We will try to keep it as low-key as possible, as we have flirted with it in the past and it hasn't always been great. That being said...
If there's something you hate/love on the site, PLEASE contact us at the email address listed there on the right. Or comment! We seriously listen to everything you tell us, hence the recent changes.
From now on, there will only be one post per page. We've heard that when more than one post with videos is on the page, is causes everything to slow down. You can still access the previous posts through the previous posts button at the end of each page, or by using the blog archive to your right. For the latest post updates, follow us on Twitter or be our fan on Facebook

Finally, on behalf of myself, and everyone who contributes to This Lil Porno Mine, I would like to thank all 300,000 people (yeah! We finally found the account infor for the sitemeter we had when we started) who have graced us with their patience and presence over the past few years. It's almost Thanksgiving, so thank you!

Enough serious business, let's talk about EBAY:

I know, you want to know how much that feather boa is going for. I know that nothing else in this photo has piqued your interest. Like any good model, she is nothing but a glorified clotheshanger for the amazing feather boa.

Yes, for only $2.99 (plus shipping!) you can purchase this adults only boa...

I was going to get it myself, but then I scrolled down and noticed that the ad clearly stated that:

One Modeled is Not For Sale, as it went back on display on our Window Manaquin

FML I wanted THAT ONE.

Readers, I have learned that in anything remotely involving sex, amateur is ALWAYS better. This rule totally applies to Ebay sales:

Only $10 for real cooking titties? No way!

EVERYTHING YOU SEE ON HER COMES WITH THIS AUCTION.
SHE IS READY TO INCREASE............your sales, or anything you wish!!
A GREAT CONVERSATION PIECE OR A GREAT FRIEND TO JUST HANG OUT WITH.

THE WIG IS NEW AND VERY NICE, THE MANNEQUIN IS NEW.
THE SEXY THONG IS NEW. SHE IS JUST WAITING FOR YOUR EVER COMMAND.
SHE IS REALLY LOOKING FOR A NICE HOME, AND A LOVING OWNER.

I PROMISE SHE WILL BE GOOD, AND WON'T TALK BACK TO YOU......

Don't let her get away, MAKE HER YOUR VERY OWN.

o.O .... o rly?

This auction is for a one-of-a-kind set of hand-altered, anatomically correct Barbie & Ken dolls, that includes one Ken (Ken as Legolas from LOTR) and one Barbie doll with beautiful, long, multi-colored hair.

The handsome blond Ken doll sports nipples and full genitals. His beautiful babe has a hair-covered opening below and nipples. The Ken doll is brand new and only recently de-boxed prior to his 'modification.' The Barbie is used and was only gently played with prior to her conversion. Both of these dolls are fully articulated, which makes posing them just tons of fun! Dolls are sold nude with no clothing or shoes.

I have to be honest, I am kicking myself for not making anatomically altered Barbie dolls and selling them for $45 a pop in this economy.

I am Selling a barely used Lolly Doll from RSSD.

I cannot seem to enjoy this doll as she is too small for my own personal enjoyment, and have also come across some financial issues recently.
I purchased this doll on ebay for $540 and received her in the mail around a week ago, she has been used only once though with protection (condom), and has be thoroughly cleaned with both sponge bath and alcohol.

-On each side of her shoulders' there is an opening with some of the silicone skin torn off. The doll arrived this way and I have been told that they are filler holes left during the creation process.

-There is a very small rip on her anus as well in the corners of her mouth, however this had been caused simply from inspection.

-On her left arm is a hole that has been filled with a paste-like substance, which I presume is silicone repair, although it does not seem to dry. The doll arrived with this defect from the company.

-I accidentally messed up the wig that she arrived with, which is why I did not include it in these pictures. With the wig she looks like she has a bad hair day. A really, really bad hair day.

-And Finally there a few different stain markings on her that won't wash off for some reason. The first is a reddish stain on the right side of the doll, which appeared after I tried fitting a tight red Christmas dress on her. The second is a couple of black markings around her thigh area. The doll arrived with these black markings and I haven't been able to clean them off.

I knew I would find a fucking used Love Doll on here. I didn't know I would find labial dye:

There has been nothing until now to restore the color to a woman's genital area. This complete kit contains enough product for 20 applications. This is a "semi-permanent" Labia Colorant and Dye System that lasts 72+ hours depending on each individuals own body chemistry.

"A total turn on for Men!" Ladies, if your playing, hes looking! This is Lip Color for the "other lips"!

Check out all the blogs on the internet of woman asking what they can do about returning their "Pink" back to their inner lips. NOW THERE IS A SOLUTION!

You will receive 1 kit which contains 20 applications, easy to follow instructions and everything you need to GET YOUR PINK BACK!

I also didn't think I would find out that a woman's skin is like bread:

This spectacular love doll is made from the revolutionary material, Silica-Urethane (Urethane Foam Rubber). It feels surprisingly almost like real skin! It is better and lighter than silicone. The softness of the Urethane foam is almost same as the soft type bread. The surface looks like human skin, having bread-like foam inside. Millions of bubbles inside the entire body makes the doll soft so that the user feels just like he embraces a woman's actual body. Certain numbers of the bubbles appears on the surface (just like breads). The user will feel it "warm" because the material reflects the user's body temperature.

Creepiest Description EVER

And I never...never ever ever ever ever expected to find a Talking Sheep Sex Doll:

This Talking Sheep is a blow-up sheep with action activated sound - its over a foot tall!! Press the noise box and you get the sound of lambs in love!! Has 2 entry holes in back for the 'animal lover'. She's so baaaahhhh-d

Well worth the $19.25

NEXT TIME ON THIS LIL PORNO MINE

Les Gas

2009-11-23T16:17:00.000-08:00

The Ebay Post is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more time consuming than I would like, but I don't want to leave you hanging.

Here is something to read between actual posts. It's called:

A Tale of Gassy Lesbians

chapter one

(bolded for the tl;dr crowd)

The cheerleader (Amy) and the teacher (Veronica) were alone in the classroom. Amy was easily the worst student in the classroom, both in grades and behavior. She was the captain of the cheerleading squad, and part of the most insufferable group of preps in her high school's history.

They couldn't be controlled, and they had absolutely no interest in higher learning. The only reason they were getting away with it is because their parents were all very well-connected. Thus the members of the cheerleading squad could get away with anything they wanted to.

Veronica had requested that they meet after school to discuss things. She was fairly young, chubby in build, awkward-looking feature wise, with somewhat oversized glasses and a bookworm's face. She hardly seemed intimidating, with her wide eyes, fresh face, and timid manner.

The only thing that didn't go with Veronica's general manner was the noticeable muscles on her arms and legs. The anxious, perpetually nervous teacher didn't seem the type to possess that kind of strength. But then again, few people knew of her past....when Veronica was younger, she wasn't nearly as nice.

"Young lady, your behavior is inexcusable. Repeatedly you have disrupted class, and impeded the learning process. How can I teach if you keep goofing off?"

"You can't, not that it is my problem. My daddy will never allow me to get into trouble. You're just an ugly person wasting her breath, and my time. Why don't you just piss off and accept that there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop me from doing whatever the hell I want, bitch."

Amy went on, "You think you can lecture me, you stupid fuck? The only reason you're a teacher is because you were too damned ugly to become an important person, like a pop singer. You lecturing me...is like a joke, a cosmic accident. I think people like you are a mistake, all the ugly people should just be hidden away from sight."

Veronica didn't look angry; she just smiled tightly, "I see."

Veronica thought back on the past, how she had been a much more vicious person in her youth. She'd been quite the schoolyard bully, until she fell in love with another woman. Over the course of that romance she had been taught many things, including a love for teaching.

Veronica considered herself a reformed woman; she had almost completely reinvented herself. Her new persona was modeled after the woman who had used to be her girlfriend. Veronica enjoyed teaching, but right now her older self was starting to reappear.

Veronica had been having trouble restraining her old habits, such as dabbling in certain spells. Just a little hobby of hers. Suddenly, an idea popped into her head.

Amy suddenly heard her teacher speaking some nonsense phrases. "What the hell are you doing now? Have you suddenly forgotten how to speak English? Not surprising, you look stupid enough to forget your own language."

Veronica spoke up firmly, "I have had enough of your insolence. You will learn some respect, you stupid spoiled slut. You think you are so much better than me; it's only fitting that you should wind up degrading yourself. And I have a pretty good idea how. I'm going to make you a slave to a bodily substance you would normally not be attracted to, make you need it so much that you will do whatever I say to smell it all the time."

At that moment, Veronica let loose an extremely loud fart that echoed throughout the room.

Amy was astonished by this blatant act. She was going to tell this bitch what for once and for all. She most certainly did not have to tolerate any more of this.

Instead, Amy signed wistfully, "That smells lovely."

Amy's jaw dropped, her eyes widened. "What did I just say?" she thought. A woman just farted in front of her; she shouldn't be turned on by this! But she was....her panties had suddenly become saturated with her juices.

Veronica smiled naughtily, "Why thank you, young lady. Do you really like it? Do you want more?"

To Amy's horror, she found herself wanting to say yes. She forced her mouth not to move.

Veronica let off another, and another, and another. The spell she had cast ensured that she wouldn't run out of gas any time soon. One end of the room was flooded by the potent, gaseous substance. The cheerleader quickly moved to the other end of the room.

Amy didn't understand why the other woman's farts were turning her on, or why their smell seemed so damned sweet. She tried to ignore it, but she could sense the presence of the gas slowly drifting towards her.

Veronica was smiling, "You like my farts? Can't get enough?"

"No!" said Amy hastily, but her denial couldn't conceal her arousal. She wanted to breathe it more. In spite of herself, she was visibly trying to fill her lungs with the teacher's gas. She wanted to masturbate wildly while being enveloped in Veronica's thick cloud of sensual vapor. It smelled so wonderful, she belonged in its midst.

"Please excuse me." said Amy. It had taken all of Amy's will to say the words.

Amy left for the restroom, mainly to get away from the teacher. Before she could close the door to the stall, the teacher suddenly appeared. Veronica's face and demeanor were like an innocent, awkward bookworm. But then again, she was very good at concealing her less benign side.

"You left your books behind miss. I'm sorry to disturb you, I'll close the door."

Amy, in spite of herself, was getting aroused again. For some reason, the cheerleader said:

"Don't."

Veronica looked surprised, "What?"

"Leave it open." Amy said breathlessly.

"As you wish, young lady." said Veronica.

"Now you're mine." thought the older woman lewdly in her mind.

Veronica's big, round; meaty ass was plainly visible for the cheerleader to see. The cheerleader couldn't help but be transfixed by it.

Amy had a brief vision of her own face, buried between the older woman's asscheeks as she farted loudly in her face. What was more, privately Amy wished for it.

She wanted that gorgeous woman's wind in her lungs. She wished she could breathe it all the time and never get enough of that lesbian's butt gas.

"I think it would be best if...." The cheerleader began.

At that moment, Veronica's ass suddenly released a loud and long fart. It was powerful, and it was dense. The gas saturated the room, and its sexy smell assailed Amy's senses like nothing else had before.

Instead of her body rejecting it, Amy's entire form seemed to openly desire that woman's fragrant fart. Her arousal skyrocketed, and she couldn't help but suddenly breathe in as much as possible.

Much to Amy's disappointment, her lungs only got a fraction of the gas into her lungs.

"Do you want another?" said Veronica, in an extremely nasty voice. She was well aware of her power over the helpless younger woman.

Veronica loved every minute of her control. Little by little, the teacher could see the submissive slut manifest herself in the cheerleader. So more power, so little effort.

All she had to do was provide what the little slut wanted, and that oversexed cheerleader would do whatever she was told. The longer the cheerleader was trapped in her gas cloud, and the more of it she was exposed to the stronger her control over the cheerleader would become.

Amy started to open her mouth. She would tell that woman right now that there was no way in hell she would agree to any more of this.

Instead the words came out as: "Yes"

She couldn't believe her own ears. What the fuck was she saying? Before she could correct herself...Veronica let another one rip. The smell returned....so wonderful. Against her will Amy moaned in delight as the older's woman perfume flooded the room one more.

"Such a nasty slut." Veronica said in false disapproval.

To Amy's astonishment, she spoke up in alarm: "Are you going to stop?" She couldn't believe her own panic-stricken voice. It was if she wanted to keep inhaling the scent. What was wrong with her? Why was she saying this?

"Do you want to leave? There is the door." Veronica smiled naughtily.

Amy scoffed. She would show this bitch who was in charge. She haughtily began walking towards the door. She opened the door, and suddenly her body rebelled.

She felt an enormous sense of loss, she felt like something was missing. Her body and a good portion of her mind....wanted to keep inhaling the other woman's farts.

"I am in charge here." Amy wanted to say. Instead she moaned, "Please fart again mistress. It smelled so good."

"You need my farts, you nasty girl. You can't live without my gas. Admit it." teased Veronica aggressively.

"YES! I need more!" Amy almost screamed.

"Then masturbate before me." said Veronica.

The cheerleader couldn't believe what she said next: "I am happy to serve you, mistress." She was so wet, she wanted to do this.

So, suddenly Amy shut the door and plunged her hands between her legs. For the next few minutes the lust-crazed girl wantonly frigged herself in front of Veronica.

The whole time the teacher had her butt in front of the horny teenager, tempting Amy with the promise of more gas. The cheerleader couldn't wait.

"I hope you fart in my face soon! The wait is almost unbearable!" Amy cried out.

"Patience, young lady." said Veronica.

The cheerleader was suddenly happy, in spite of herself. Soon Amy was on the verge of orgasming, and then suddenly the teacher adjusted the position of her ass.

Right when she came, Veronica's chain-farted explosively in her face. This set off a series of even more powerful orgasms in the slutty teen that exhausted Amy completely.

"Well this is a good start." said Veronica.

"What do you mean mistress?" asked Amy.

"This is only the beginning. I need to get many more slave-sluts, and I think we should start with the rest of your cheerleadering squad. They could use a little discipline." said Veronica.

"Yes." Amy smiled. Soon they too would become submissives, slaves-sluts of the Mistress Veronica. Just like her.

I'll post Chapter 2 soon, because I know you're dying to know what happens next.

Just Hangin' Out

2009-11-17T18:13:00.000-08:00

In honor of the highly anticipated (i.e. no one gives a shit) Levi Johnston Playgirl Shoot I went through most (if not all) of the Playgirl spreads from 1970-1995. Honestly, I wasn't aware Playgirl still existed, and that it hadn't made the switch to a gay men's magazine. Not that I think that women aren't into looking at pictures of naked dudes, but I don't think most of them care.

I even took a survey:

I asked one straight female and one gay male if they enjoyed looking at print photos of nude men (excluding celebrities, just regular guys) or if they were pretty indifferent.

Results:

Straight Female: Pretty indifferent
Gay Male: Enjoyed it

Then I asked if one of the reasons they would look at print of nude males was because the photos had the potential to be funny.

Straight Female: Yes
Gay Male: It's an added bonus!

At the risk of this becoming a masculinity crushing epiphany, I think we can all agree:

Cock and Balls are funny.

Personally, I think Playgirl magazine felt the same way from 1970-1995:

Can you imagine getting your Playgirl in the mail and it featuring some guy and his peen running down a hill?

Ladies, I'll give you time to get a change of panties, because this is gonna be an onslaught of awkward penis.

Playgirl seems to be all about your dick in everyday life. And Lord knows how many times I've wondered how a penis looks while you are putting on jeans in the snow:

Or when you are putting on socks:

Or when you are out hiking

Or looking at blueprints

Or playing with your cat

or dog

or ...dolphin

that man is raping that dolphin.

or any other random assortment of daily activities:

Another fun thing about Playgirl are the Holiday shoots. Dare I say they are the original Dick In A Box?

He got an Ipod Touch, in case you were wondering.

But the most disturbing thing of all, are the sibling shoots:

"Bro, Playgirl called. They want us to be centerfolds.....I dunno, we'll probably just have them take pictures of us lounging around nude together, like we always do."

My favorite thing, and I have saved the best for last, is what I call:

THE PEEK-A-BOO EFFECT

Which is when penis peeks out randomly from clothing...observe:

I LOVE this one because it couldn't just hang out of his unzipped fly...NOOOOO they had to CUT AN ADDITIONAL HOLE in his pants. Creative.

So Levi, I hope your shoot goes well. I am not 100% sure who you are, and I heard you don't show your penis, and thanks to U.S. Code 2257 I can't post any photos after 1995, so I'm not sure if Playgirl is still this awkward. Hopefully things have improved, but I assure you, your cock and balls are still more silly than sexy.

Until next time:

TAKE THE POLL!

TOMORROW ON THISLILPORNOMINE:

ebay has an adult section?!!?

Not today

2009-11-14T19:30:00.000-08:00

Oops..

I can't post a real post because I want to go out and have a life for once.

See you on Monday!

Soft Vore/Hard Vore

2009-11-13T19:43:00.000-08:00

I don't even know how to start this post, so let's just get right into it.

It's going to be a doozy.

VORE

To quote WikiFur: Vorarephilia (or vore^[1]^[2]) is a fetish and paraphilia where arousal occurs from the idea of being eaten, eating another, or watching this process.^[3] The fantasy may include digestion, painless or otherwise. The word is derived from the Latin vorare (to 'swallow' or 'devour') and the Ancient Greek φιλία (philia, 'love').

Although most of the information I am going to present you on this subject is by or about Furries, let it be known that this is not a subculture limited to Furdom. Furries just have a tendency to be more accepting as a culture in general, so Vore thrives in their world.

Now, there is going to be a lot of text in this post, because this subject deserves to be explained well. Oh don't worry, your brain will still melt. I just want it to be better informed while melting.

Two Courses To Every Meal:

In the world of Vore, you are either Predator or Prey. Like BDSM, you can eat or be eaten (pun very much intended.)

For either party, digestion may or may not be a part of the fantasy and it may or may not be painful. From what I gathered in my brief research, most Vore imagery seems to be without digestion. It's more like being a baby in the womb.

Sort Vore:

Soft vore describes scenarios where prey is consumed alive and whole, often without being harmed before reaching the stomach. Because of its usually non-violent nature, soft vore is commonly regarded as more sensual and sexually oriented. Willing or unwilling prey in soft vore prey are either digested, asphyxiated, or simply held inside the stomach. Some vorarephiles who derive pleasure from watching animals eat other animals enjoy watching snakes eating, this is because they usually swallow their prey whole, a major element in soft vore

Sexy Animations - Best Animation - Snakes Gone Wild! - Click here for more home videos

Hard Vore:

Hard vore describes scenarios where prey is subjected to injuries of being ripped and chewed. This type of vore involves cutting, biting, tearing and usually also involves blood. Although inherently there is no sexual characteristic to these portrayals, to someone with a vore fetish, they could be taken in a sexual context. Hard vore has sometimes been referred to as "gore" to separate it from soft vore.^[6]

Gts Vore - Watch a funny movie here

But Vore isn't all srs bizness.

No.

Because there is...

COCK VORE!!!

VAGINAL VORE!!!
ANAL VORE!!!

Being a fantasy, any orifice may be thought of as capable of vore, but it's really just adding a body part to the word vore. This incorrect use of the word vore is now common place. Examples of this well known twisting of the word vore are the "genital vore" scenarios, which includes unbirth. Unbirthing involves being consumed by the vagina and taking refuge in the woman's womb,^[8] which is simply a "reverse birth" and, in a pure sense, can only be done by a female. It is sometimes referred to as "Female Genital Vore" or "vaginal vore." Others think of it as a mutual, erotic and consensual activity with no injury to the sexual partners involved — in that case it is not considered a form of vore.^[8]

That is supposed to be an Orca Whale btw. On land. With breasts. And legs.

I dunno.

"Male Genital Vore," commonly called cock vore, refers to being consumed by the penis.^[9] This involves the urethral opening at the top of the penis, after which they are pulled down the urethra to the predator's scrotum, in which prey is absorbed, digested, or turned into semen (sometimes known as "cum vore") and ejaculated. A lesser known variant involves the prey to be taken to the prostate for conversion to semen, or to the bladder for storage or digestion.^[10]

Not well known, Anal vore describes being consumed by the anus.^[11] In common scenarios, prey consumed through anal vore is often drawn up through the digestive tract to the stomach where they are digested in a normal fashion. Such is not always the case, as the prey may simply remain in the rectum of the predator for a varying length of time.

Of course, Anal Vore comes with video:

The guy below refers to his anus as "Char-rump" because everything bad always leads back to Pokemon:

I like how he narrates you through it all. So soothing.

Most vorarephiles are aware of the inherent silliness of their fetish, and are largely uninterested in the idea of cannibalism.

But not above putting plastic dinosaurs in their buttholes.

TOMORROW ON THIS LIL PORNOMINE:

Action Pants.

Cummunion

2009-11-12T21:03:00.000-08:00

Whether you believe in life on other planets or not, people seem to agree on one thing:

When Aliens finally arrive on Earth, they are going to fuck our brains out.

There is apparently nothing more to be gained from the human race than vagina. Well, that's how most humans feel too, so there may be some truth to that.

The cool thing about Aliens is that no matter what their genitals are like, they are completely adaptable to the human vagina. And vice versa!

"He placed his cock deep inside her, resting against her cervix and then, he pushed hard. His dick went completely out of view, well inside her womb and eliciting a loud groan from the female as she felt the big phallus burying deep within her belly"

Another interesting thing about Alien and human anatomy is that when n Alien ejaculates, it is so powerful that it easily shoots out of the human mouth, yet causes them no harm. And it tastes good too!

"Carol was so overthrown (?) by the delicious taste that she didn't notice a silent creature, a flagora, moving behind her"

Boys, don't fret, not all Aliens are straight:

The best way to prepare yourself for your inevitable Alien rape, is to get yourself used to the idea of inter-planetary fucking, like so:

Ladies, don't worry, we have you covered too, as demonstrated by this gentleman:

Okay yeah, I'm not 100% that's an alien on that dildo but... OH MY GOD DID HE JUST PEE???

(btw I read the comments on that last video and this one made me lol: "I'VE SEEN ALL OF YOUR VIDEO!!! why u dont cum? why you just pee? have you experienced cumming or what?" Why cum when you can just pee? Although I worry about him pissing so close to the camera.)

I think with education, a bit of luck, and a lot of vaginal stretching, you too can find yourself in a loving relationship with an alien who will probably perforate your uterus until you bleed to death and die.

Awwww.....

TOMORROW ON THIS LIL PORNO MINE:

Monster Vore - The funniest bloopers are right here

SEXY.

LOL

2009-11-11T18:49:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry about earlier, with the Smegma and everything.

Let's be friends again. Here, have this lulzy 'shop of Scott Speedman, George Clooney, and James France as a peace offering:

TOMORROW ON THIS LIL PORNO MINE

See you then.

Regret

2009-11-11T13:26:00.000-08:00

I want you guys to know that I recently began going to therapy. Hopefully through hard work and dedication, my brain will begin to understand the difference between "interesting" and "vomit-inducing."

Until then, we have....

SMEGMA POST.

I am hoping after that video (which was titled, "My Smelly Cheesy Dick") you are all aware of what Smegma is. Actually, I am hoping that anyone reading this who has ever or might ever come into contact with someone else's genitals knows what Smegma is.

Here is the definition, for all you virgins (good lord, why are you reading this blog) and blissfully ignorant folks out there:

Smegma (Greek smēgma, "soap")^[1] is a combination of exfoliated (shed) epithelial cells, transudated skin oils, and moisture. It occurs in both male and female genitalia. In males, smegma helps keep the glans moist and facilitates sexual intercourse by acting as a lubricant.

That sounds all fine and dandy, but Smegma plays a more... graphic ... role in the land of sex. See, if you don't wash often enough, Smegma can build up and give off an odor. I don't think I need to explain what the smell of exfoliated cells and skin oils from unwashed genitals would smell like, for I feel the horror of that sentence should be enough to get your olfactory imaginations going.

And of course, people like this.

"The true scent of a man can be found only under his foreskin.."

Fuck you, world, Where is your God now? Ugh.

They also like to...eat..Smegma.

WARNING: BEFORE YOU PRESS "PLAY" ON THE FOLLOWING VIDEO, KEEP IN MIND THAT IT ACTUALLY MADE ME GAG. ME... AND YOU'VE SEEN THE KIND OF SHIT I'VE SAT THROUGH MULTIPLE TIMES AND BEEN FINE. JUST A WARNING.

There is also this darling narrative of a day spent with Smegma:

I screamed NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO at the screen during that whole video. Everything that man knows is wrong.

This one is called "Cheese in the Park"

I'm only posting it because that is how awesome Smegma is to some people. They wake up, four days unshowered and counting, look down at their crime against society covered penis and head over to the park to take a video of the biohazard contained in their pants. To each their own and all, but..yuck.

Oh, Ladies, you get Smegma too, according to science. You just don't make any videos about it. For this, I thank you.

Ta Tas For Now!

2009-11-10T17:46:00.000-08:00

BOOBS

Boobs can do a lot of things.

They are great for breastfeeding:

They can double as a lie detector:

They can open bottles:

They are planets:

aides boy
by mikropikol

They can improve your Halloween costume:

They can grow on the bottom of your foot:

They can be purchased in bulk:

They can be used for stress relief:

They can be used as handles while fucking their vagina with a penis on top of it... or something:

Who doesn't love boobs?

TOMORROW ON THIS LIL PORNO MINE:

My apologies...

Tits.

2009-11-09T19:56:00.000-08:00

TOMORROW WE WILL TALK ABOUT BOOBS.

THANK YOU.

Finally, I get to post about Peggy Bundy

2009-11-09T18:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

You're on vacation and haven't had a chance to see the new logo. To answer your questions preemptively: Yes, that is two women making out with octopus on their heads, and yes, that is a man rubbing his ample genitalia on a teddy bear, and yes, that is a pair of poopy underwear.

I really appreciate you putting up with this kind of shit coming from your daughter.

Love,

The Pron.

Moving right along.

I bet you guys have been wondering when I would finally have a pornographic post involving Peggy Bundy haven't you?

HALLELUJAH THE DAY HAS FINALLY ARRIVED. AND SHE HAS A PENIS!

Actually, so does Avril Lavigne:

And Jennifer Love Hewitt:

And Tina Fey and Sarah Palin:

And Princess Peach:

Allow me to, sort of, explain:

No, you're not.

Futanari (a compound word meaning "two form") in Japanese can mean both the subjects of a special type of pornographic anime or manga (commonly known in the West as hentai), or the genre itself. Futanari depicts hermaphrodites, intersex or other individuals with female body-types and sexual organs resembling penises.

I have some questions about Japan.

Japan, how much money do your porn artists make? Are there about a billion of them producing this mass amount of fucked up drawn porn, or is it just 30 over-worked, borderline suicidal guys?

I ask this because take a gander at some of this stuff below, (I think the stuff above is American, and I doubt you want to see it again.)

Someone sits down at desk and draws this stuff. Someone, somewhere, had to sit down and think about what a post-coital robot penis would look like after fucking some anime chick with a penis. I need to know what the salary for something like that is.

While we're at it, I would also like the guy who came up with this horrible cow/trans/pumped mutant postage stamp to be fired, post haste!

Hit Me Baby One More Time!

2009-11-05T17:45:00.000-08:00

Britney Spears Porn

MEGA POST!!!!!

Have you guys heard the new Britney Spears song, "3"?

Well.. it's about threesomes, and in my opinion, double penetration:

I'm pretty sure at one point she says "Gettin' down with DP" but that's just me...

(by the way, this is a video of Francois Sagat, the peacock zombie from this post singing "Gimme More" by Britney Spears. we have come full circle)

Anyway, Britney Spears doing something that pushes the envelope of conservative sexuality is not anything new or even post-worthy, but it did get me thinking:

Have you guys ever considered the sheer volume of Britney Spears porn out there?

It ranges for mildly disturbing to downright hilarious, and frankly, if all this shit existed online about me, I'd go crazy and shave my head too.

I know that being famous you basically forfeit your right to privacy and that Internet is a free forum and all that, and I am aware that any one of us could have our faces badly photoshopped onto some hardcore porn... but I don't think some of these would ever happen to just anyone:

LOOK HOW HAPPY SHE IS TO SHOW YOU HER BUTTHOLE!

This is what I think "3" is about.

One way to cover up your terrible photoshop skills.

Horrifying because I'm pretty sure that face photo is from when she was 16 or 17. Blech...

This one isn't so bad. If she had ever broken down and done Playboy it might've looked like this one and the next two.

And if she had ever done Hustler it would've looked like this.

This one will always be my favorite. I have posted it before and it still makes me laugh hysterically.

This one has that detached Real Doll effect where she just looks all dead in the eyes, not that she doesn't often look that way normally, but you know what I mean.

This... I don't even know.

See? I just showed you all of those and that isn't even scraping the top of the barrel of badly manipulated nudes. You never took nudes in your youth for fear that they would end up online and your future children may see...well imagine if website after website just went ahead and did it for you.

But those are just pictures! Thankfully no one has CGI'd her head onto an existing porn video (yet) but there are also a couple of interesting videos dedicated to dear Britney:

Be warned, the video above is boring as fuck. Watch 30 secs and you've seen the whole thing.

Don't you just want to tell him Britney can't hear him?

But lest you think that all videos about Britney are just boring, bad quality jerk off videos, I now present to you...

BRITNEY REARS 2: I WANNA GET LAID

So that's my Britney Spears Porn Mega Porn Post. I hope you laughed, cried, cringed, and got out with a full head of hair.

L.A. Zombie.

2009-11-05T11:55:00.000-08:00

So Bruce La Bruce is making a gay porn called L.A. Zombie.

THIS SHOULD MAKE ME SQUEE WITH HAPPINESS.

But it isn't.

First, let me show you the trailer:

This movie pisses me off in a couple of ways.

For one, WUT??? What the hell is this movie about? I know I just saw a safe for work trailer but it's a trailer and is supposed to entice me to watch the finish product.

Here's what I gather:

Weird green man with white scalp (note: star Francois Sagat actually has a tattooed fade hairstyle on his head. I don't know why this means that his "hair" should be white, maybe someone can explain this to me. Actually, if the makeup person from this movie would like to email me at pornomine@gmail.com and explain WHY THE FUCK HE IS COLORED LIKE A BEAUTIFUL PEACOCK that would be awesome. Have you ever even seen a dead body before? ) comes out of the ocean. Presumably dead. With weird werewolf teeth. Then he ends up on the back of a truck. For what seems like an eternity. But then he also hitches a ride with someone else, and I think he kills them. He then gets some coffee.. cause zombies LOVE coffee. He steals clothes, even though he is clothed. Socks especially. His undead feet were cold? Then he spends a lot of time in the flood control river bed. And two ska kids fight and one gets shot and drops money. Then he goes to Skid Row and sorts through a shopping cart. (Yes, I noticed he passed over that perfectly good Super Nintendo) Then he isn't a zombie sometimes because he is no longer a fucking rainbow of blues, but still sticks his hand in a wound and drags a body away. Then, his teeth take over his face.

I DON'T FUCKING GET IT.

I tried going to the website for a plot synopsis, and all I got was the following statement from Mr. Bruce La Bruce:

"....zombie porn is the wave of the future....Zombie porn is practical because you can create your own orifice..."

Yeah, ok, that would be true and really original and clever if IT HADN'T ALREADY BEEN DONE. And done better, might I add.

Cause Re-Penetrator was made like 2 YEARS AGO:

RE-PENETRATOR TRAILLER @ Yahoo! Video

And then there was also Porn Of The Dead:

See what they did there? They didn't just randomly paint someone blue and call it a day. THEY ACTUALLY MADE ZOMBIES. Also, both of these movies are more than a year old. Zombie porn, like zombies, won't ever really go away but the idea has peaked. Do you want to know where Zombie porn is now, Mr. La Bruce? Want to know where this "wave of the future" actually ended up?

This guy taking a shower:

I don't hate to say it, his makeup is waaaaay better than that L.A. Zombie peacock bullshit.

p.s. Later today I will dedicate an entire post to Britney Spears porn! Yay!

Rule 34

2009-11-03T17:55:00.000-08:00

RULE 34:

If it exists, there is porn of it.

No exceptions.

This is the golden rule of the internet, the Ten Commandments of this blog, and a very unfortunate thing indeed:

Here are some of my favorite, random, can-only-be-explained-with-Rule-34 images:

John's freaky penis nipples are the worst part about that drawing.

Charlotte's Web porn, because I like ruining everything you loved as a child.

Jesus?

With the right frame, this painting could work in my living room...

Also, I left out a smorgasbord of Simpsons porno because people who draw Simpsons porno have very vivid imaginations and I am pretty sure the stuff they are drawing is illegal even in Japan.

It's so...whimsical.

2009-11-02T19:40:00.000-08:00

This blog is a blog of firsts, my friends. I hope not just for me, but for my dear readers as well. Every time I embark on a new post it's like I'm fucking Frodo from Lord of The Rings and I have this bad porn burden that I need to unleash onto the world. This Lil Porno Mine: The Land of Unwanted Discovery, if you will.

But this time, I'm on the fence.

Let me explain:

Snow White and The Seven Dwarves seems like a hole in one (no pun intended) porn parody. So when I stumbled upon this foreign Snow White porno, I was prepared to be bored out of my mind with the obvious. Seven minutes later I found myself with only one word to describe what I was seeing...WHIMSICAL.

Yes. WHIMSICAL.

Even though I was watching the worst actress I had ever seen being taught how to masturbate with what looks like some sort of root by a Dwarf, I was enchanted. Even though I knew that I was going to eventually see a little person orgy, I was still smiling.

This porn kind of blew me away, in a good way. The sets were elaborate, they had actual editing (even though it's not amazing, it's more than I can say for most of the stuff I post here), there is appropriate music, and they actually stayed as true to their source material as a porno parody of a beloved children's tale could.

I am impressed. Take a look for yourselves... I know it's long, but I promise it's worth it. At least let the badly translated dialogue amuse you:

FUCK YEAH BEAR FORCE ONE!

2009-11-01T16:06:00.000-08:00

This isn't porn but HOLY CHRIST THIS IS AMAZING.

FUCK YEAH BEAR FORCE ONE!

They have a Christmas video too:

Also, I just want to take this opportunity to tell you that it's ok if you guys leave comments. We are all friends here :)

Holiday!

2009-10-30T18:01:00.000-07:00

Holiday.....!

Celebrate...!

Since Halloween is coming up and one of the other things I moonlight as is taking up a large chunk of my time, I have decided to post a not-so-oldie-but-goodie for you today.

Once upon a time some weird Turkish guy tried to cybersex me. This is what happened:

The Turk: hii
Pornomine: hi
The Turk: do you tell me your sex history
Pornomine: i dont know, do i?
Pornomine: what do you want to know
The Turk: i wan to know do you do sex with men
Pornomine: yes
The Turk: 'start
Pornomine: huh
The Turk: yes
The Turk: start
The Turk: i will listen
Pornomine: start what
The Turk: for your sex history
Pornomine: what
The Turk: how do you do sex with men
Pornomine: well i start with a non lethal poisoning
Pornomine: usually with a prostitute
Pornomine: then move onto sodomy
The Turk: and
Pornomine: spanish fly works the best, i dont care much for illegal drugs
Pornomine: but it gets harder and harder to hold up the dead weight while operating a strap on
The Turk: and
Pornomine: occasionally i will imprison someone in a storage room ive rented
Pornomine: i dont believe in safe words
Pornomine: so it gets awkward
Pornomine: i mean, i always go through the motions and come up with one with them, just cause i like to hear them say a funny word repeatedly
Pornomine: honestly nothing gets me off more than someone screaming "bananas, bananas! BANANAS!" while I take them violently from behind
Pornomine: i only use strap ons with glass dildos fashioned after a black mans penis
The Turk: okay
The Turk: lets do sex
The Turk: with me
The Turk: if you want
The Turk: from online
Pornomine: well its not as much fun if its consensual
The Turk: can you start
Pornomine: it would be better if you did
The Turk: okay i catch your nipple
The Turk: and touching
Pornomine: i hand you the scissors and ask you to cut it off
The Turk:and then i take them nacked
Pornomine: now cut off yours
The Turk: where
Pornomine: whenever
Pornomine: wherever
The Turk: i make naked of my dick
Pornomine: i glue a he-man action figure where your penis used to be
Pornomine: i make the safeword "greyskull"
The Turk: and
The Turk: you start suck my dick depply
Pornomine: i realize i hate the taste of plastic action figures
Pornomine: it makes me gag
Pornomine: i vomit on hemans arm
Pornomine: it breaks off and goes down my throat
Pornomine: im choking
Pornomine: someone do the heimlich
Pornomine: no seriously
Pornomine: why arent you helping
The Turk: and i start fucking your nipple
Pornomine: my face turns blue and you shove that he man figure into the hole where my nipple used to be
Pornomine: i cant breathe
Pornomine: all of a sudden i vomit up the arm
Pornomine: phew
Pornomine: much better
The Turk: and i am sucking your pusyy
The Turk: like baby
Pornomine: im wondering what baby does that
Pornomine: im starting to get lightheaded from blood loss
The Turk: and start fuck you on top
Pornomine: which is good cause i get to lie down, plus it elevates my boob which stops the bleeding some
The Turk: and i start fuck you behind like a dog
Pornomine: i make chicken noises
Pornomine: BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK
Pornomine: BEGOOOOOCK
The Turk: and i do faster like you are in pain like some kill you
The Turk: and you say
Pornomine: some loose change falls out of my vagina
Pornomine: ive been wondering where my bus fare was
The Turk: and you are top on my body
The Turk: and you jumping
The Turk: too fast almost break my cock
Pornomine: so much change is coming out its like a slot machine
The Turk: okay
The Turk:okay
The Turk: enough
The Turk:do real
The Turk: i will open my cock
Pornomine: like a book
The Turk: noooooo
The Turk: i mean i will make nacked
The Turk:my cock in real
The Turk: you say i do
The Turk:okay tell me
Pornomine: im offended
Pornomine: i cant help it if my vagina is like a slot machine when im excited
The Turk: hey you just dream cock
The Turk:and tell and i do it
Pornomine: i dream cock
Pornomine: i have cocks in my dream catcher
The Turk: i mean dream actio
Pornomine: i clean it twice a week
The Turk: i mean you tell action
The Turk: i do in real
Pornomine: i dream of action movies
Pornomine: like live free: die hard
Pornomine: and demolition man
The Turk: tell me
Pornomine: i get on top of you imagining that you are wesley snipes
The Turk: what should
The Turk: do
Pornomine: you begin thrusting
Pornomine: you are so huge it gives me the hiccups
The Turk: do you understand me
The Turk: i try to say
The Turk: you tell me
The Turk: and i will tyr on my dick
Pornomine: you try on your dick but its the wrong size
Pornomine: i suggest a bigger, more flattering size
Pornomine: i get a sales associate
Pornomine: they say they are out of that size
Pornomine: we should try another store
The Turk: okay
The Turk: if you tell me
The Turk: i will do it
The Turk: in real
The Turk: for my dick
The Turk: it is nacked now
Pornomine: i go and get the manager
The Turk: where
Pornomine: its so close to christmas, i dont want to have to come back
The Turk: why
Pornomine: because then they really wont have the right size
Pornomine: and we'll have to go to the store way across town
Pornomine: and i dont like that one, the parkiing there is terrible and theres no other good stores around
The Turk: and
Pornomine: but there is that nice movie theater
Pornomine: you know, the one that we saw nights in the rodanthe at
The Turk: yes
Pornomine: maybe we could go there
Pornomine: theres a cinnabon
The Turk: yes
Pornomine: i never want cinnabon but then i smell it and im like, damn i want cinnabon
The Turk: okay
The Turk: help about my dick
Pornomine: oh yes im sorry i got distracted
Pornomine: let me go find that manager
Pornomine: stupid dick stores
Pornomine: always understaffed
The Turk: can you do
The Turk: just
The Turk: tell me what i should do with my hand on my dick
Pornomine: we go back to the bedroom
Pornomine: i get a bucket
Pornomine: gather up my bus fare
Pornomine: and catch the next bus home
Pornomine: thanks!