Thistle Cove Farm

All Will Be Well

2012-01-26T11:17:00.001-05:00

"All things shall be well
You shall see for yourself that
All manner of things shall be well

For as the body is clad in the cloth,
And the flesh in the skin,
And the bones in the flesh
And the heart in the trunk
So are soul, and body, clad and enclosed
in the goodness of God
As truly as God is our Father,
so truly is God our mother
And he revealed that in everything and
especially in these sweet words where he says,

"I am the power and goodness of fatherhood,
I am the wisdom and lovingness of motherhood.
I am the light and grace which is all blessed love."

I looked at the hazel nut with the eye of my understanding
and thought, what can this be?
I was amazed that it could last for I thought that because
of its littleness it would suddenly have fallen into nothing.

And I was answered in my understanding.
It lasts and always will, because God loves it, and thus
everything has being through the love of God.

You will not be overcome.
God did not say you will not be troubled,
You will not be belaboured,
You will not be disquieted;
But God said, You will not be overcome.

What, do you wish to know your Lord's meaning
in this thing?
Know it well, love was his meaning.
Who reveals it to you? Love
What did he reveal to you? Love
Why does he reveal it to you? For Love
Remain in this.
And you will know more of the same."
~ St. Julian of Norwich ~

Blessings ~ love ~

Sabbath Keeping

2012-01-22T08:15:00.000-05:00

"The Lord has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."

~ Isaiah 61:1-3 and Luke 4:18 ~

"[Death] is what life is all about, a slow discovery of the mortality of all that is created so that we can appreciate its beauty without clinging to it as if it were a lasting possession. Our lives can indeed be seen as a process of becoming familiar with death...when we see life constantly [in the context of] death, we can enjoy it for what it is: a free gift.
The pictures, letters, and books of the past reveal life to us as a constant saying of farewell to beautiful places, good people, and wonderful experience. ...All these times have passed by like friendly visitors, leaving [us] with dear memories but also with the sad recognition of the shortness of life. In ever arrival there is a leavetaking; in each one's growing up here is a growing old; in every smile there is a tear; and in every success there is a loss."
~ Henry Nouwen, A Letter of Consolation ~

"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.

For nothing now can ever come to any good."

~ W. H. Auden ~

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." ~ Washington Irving ~

"Let grief do its work. Tramp every inch of the sorrowful way. Drink every drop of the bitter cup. Draw from memory and hope all that they can offer. To see the things our loved ones have left behind will give us daily pain--the clothes they wore, the letters they wrote, the books they read, the chairs in which they sat, the music they loved, the hymns they sat, the walks they took, the games they played, their seat in church, and much beside--but what would we be without those reminders? Would we like quickly to break with the past in order to ease our grief? Those who truly love will say that they have found in sorrow a new joy, a joy which only the broken-hearted can know."
~ W. Graham Scroggie,
quoted in Billy Graham's book Facing Death ~

"I am only one, but still I am one.

I cannot do everything, but still I can do something."

~ Helen Keller ~

"We have seen a great mystery:

We shall all be changed.

We shall be raised in Christ

as we were buried in Christ.

Death is swallowed up in victory.

The dwelling of God will be with his people.

God will wipe every tear from their eyes;

and death shall be no more.

There shall be no mourning, no crying nor pain;

sorrow and sighting shall flee away.

For the old things are disappearing.

Behold, I am making all things new.

I am the Alpha and the Omega,

the beginning and the end."

~ Revelation 21 ~

If you'd like your name added to the prayer list, please let me know.

Prayer Keeping ~ Adrienne ~ Karena ~ Roland ~ Debbie ~ Beckwith family ~ Lea and family ~ Kary ~ Mildred ~ John ~ Noelle ~ Geoffrey ~ Terry ~ Angela, Penny and family ~ Daniel ~ Morgan ~ Meredith ~ Susan ~ Stephanie ~ Winnie ~ Wanda ~ Steve ~ Leslie ~ William and Catherine ~ Becky ~ Rick ~ Misha ~ J ~ Linda ~ Skip ~ Ryan ~ Roy ~ Tonya ~ me ~

Blessings ~ past ~ present ~ future ~

Pam's Story

2012-01-19T15:22:00.001-05:00

~ Tim Tebow, photographer unknown to me ~

As some may know, I am not a sports fan and don't pay attention to sports. Probably, I should be ashamed to admit I had no clue who Tim is but folks have, somewhat graciously, put me on the right road -smile-. I am however, always in the corner of another Christian who takes a stand; there aren't enough, wouldn't you agree?

The following story is gripping, real and totally wonderful; it came to me over the signature of Dr. Gerald B. (Jerry) Kieschnick, President Emeritus, The Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod, Presidential Ambassador for Mission Advancement, Concordia University Texas.

"In a recent email, I read about a woman named Pam, who knows the pain of considering abortion. More than 24 years ago, she and her husband Bob were serving as missionaries to the Philippines and praying for a fifth child. Pam contracted amoebic dysentery, an infection of the intestine caused by a parasite found in contaminated food or drink. She went into a coma and was treated with strong antibiotics before they discovered she was pregnant.

Doctors urged her to abort the baby for her own safety and told her that the medicines had caused irreversible damage to her baby. She refused the abortion and cited her Christian faith as the reason for her hope that her son would be born without the devastating disabilities physicians predicted. Pam said the doctors didn't think of it as a life, they thought of it as a mass of fetal tissue.

While pregnant, Pam nearly lost their baby four times but refused to consider abortion. She recalled making a pledge to God with her husband: If you will give us a son, we’ll name him Timothy and we’ll make him a preacher.

Pam ultimately spent the last two months of her pregnancy in bed and eventually gave birth to a healthy baby boy August 14, 1987. Pam’s youngest son is indeed a preacher. He preaches in prisons, makes hospital visits, and serves with his father’s ministry in the Philippines. He also plays football. Pam’s son is Tim Tebow.

The University of Florida’s star quarterback became the first sophomore in history to win college football’s highest award, the Heisman Trophy. His current role as quarterback of the Denver Broncos has provided an incredible platform for Christian witness. As a result, he is being called The Mile-High Messiah.

Tim’s notoriety and the family’s inspiring story have given Pam numerous opportunities to speak on behalf of women’s centers across the country. Pam Tebow believes that every little baby you save matters. I pray her tribe will increase!

May the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you always!"

An addendum:

"You ever feel like there's too much Tim Tebow news? Neither do I. Here's a roundup of some of the most interesting Timbits from the aftermath of the Denver Broncos 29-23 overtime victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers.

• The fact that Tebow had 316 yards passing and averaged 31.6 yards per pass in the game didn't escape notice on Sunday night. Tebow wore "John 3:16" on his eye black in the 2009 BCS Championship game and has since become identified with the famous Bible message. The coincidental stats caused millions of fans to perform Google searches on the Bible passage in the past 24 hours. Here's one more unbelievable stat: John Ourand of Sports Business Journal reports that the final quarter-hour television rating for the Broncos-Steelers game was, you guessed it, 31.6.

(John 3:16 reads: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.")"

Blessings ~ Mr and Mrs. Tebow ~ Tim Tebow ~ a gracious and merciful God who has forgiven me, and will forgive you, for all sins, including abortion ~

The Stages of Grief

2012-01-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

Way back when, I went to Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond, VA to obtain a Bachelor of Science in Recreation, Parks and Tourism. I specialized in convention and visitor bureau development and geriatric recreation and worked various internships including senior centers. Part of the prep work for the geriatric recreation portion of my degree was taking geriatrics classes and in one of those classes I studied the 1969 ground breaking work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, On Death and Dying.
"If you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.”
In it Ms Kubler-Ross describes the five stages of grief when we lose a loved one. Those stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance but not everyone goes through them in a prescribed order or even goes through each one. The stages are merely tools and no one, No One, can tell anyone else in what order to take them or even to take each one. It's okay to skip one, even more, but you need to let God and yourself tell you what to do. Others cannot tell you what you need or have to do; they can tell you what they did or how they handled their grief but it's still their grief and your grief is your grief. God, in His infinite mercy, deals with each of us, and our grief, as individuals.

Capice?

I think most Westerner's are uncomfortable with real emotions. Perhaps you've seen those foot ball games or commercials where men are naked, painted blue, hefting a beverage and screaming their heads off. Oh...that's okay -???- but a person sobbing in public or needing, yet again, to speak of their dead loved one, that's not okay.
Say whuuuttt?!
Some of us are so out of touch with God, ourselves, our emotions and feelings, we haven't a clue who we are as a person. Some of us have depths never plumbed; frankly, I am fearful of a skin deep faith because it's not if, but when, hard times come.
We seem to be comfortable with over the top emotions or emotions that require nothing in return, save perhaps a quick hug or pat on the back, but real emotions make most people uncomfortable. Real emotions are messy but real emotions are what help us cope and, more importantly, begin the healing process. That's something else...the healing p.r.o.c.e.s.s. . It's a process, meaning it takes time and, again, no one can tell you how much, or how little, time. Anyway, time is irrelevant and as the Bible tells us a day is as a thousand years and a thousand years as a day to God. Have you not experienced a day that fairly fled from sun to sun while another day dragged on for, seemingly, a lifetime?
There's an old saying, "grieve for three months for a parent, a year for a child and a lifetime for a spouse." Now do you understand why so many old portraits and photographs show women in black widow weeds? I'm not suggesting you grieve according to the old saying but I am suggesting you take your time; if need be, I'm giving you permission to take your time.

Remember this: it takes as long as it takes.

Subsequent studies are similar and say the stages are

shock - initial paralysis

denial - avoidance

anger - out-pouring of emotion

bargaining - trying to find a way out

depression - realization of the situation's reality

testing - trying to find solutions

acceptance - moving forward

but it was Swiss born Kubler-Ross who first introduced us to the stages of grief.

From my experience, grief is physical; dang physical as well as being a black hole that, initially, is totally overwhelming. It's all consuming and life is, at the very best, hard. Extremely hard and even breathing, at times, is all consuming. There are times I gulp air like a guppy and only because I realize I've not breathing. I've been holding my breath and haven't taken a breath in several seconds so I gulp air in an effort to restore oxygen to the organs and brain.

The few good hours, eventually, turn into a few good days which turn into a few good weeks, months...in time or so I'm told and hoping. Time is the key, don't try and rush it, grief cannot be rushed.

Amongst the grieving, there's a lot of living yet to be done, especially if you have children or go to an outside job every day. Thank God, my job has always been taking care of Dave, the farm, the animals and myself but I'm still finding it hard to remember to put myself first. I still forget to eat three meals a day, to sleep eight hours a night and to do two things, daily, that move me forward. I try, but I don't always remember, to be gentle with myself. God knows there are plenty of folks standing in line to kick my fanny so remembering to be being gentle with myself is a Very Good Thing!
If you're a Christian and know someone who has lost a loved one, please, don't judge them. Don't tell them what they should, or shouldn't, be doing; don't tell them they are grieving "incorrectly" or "it's been xx amount of time, don't you think it's time you moved on?" If you're not a Christian, be tolerant. It's so easy for any of us to tell someone else what to do, but remember, when we're pointing a finger at someone else, we've got three fingers pointing back at us. While we're busy looking at someone else's life, telling them what to do, there are others looking at our lives and thinking we could be doing better as well.

I'm cross posting here and on the Wife to Widow blog. There are so many things that can be done now while you're still among the living that will make it so much easier for those left behind when you die. Doesn't matter if you're the wife or husband, one of you will, more than likely, go first and, statistically speaking, it will be the husband.
Oh, you're not married? Guess what? You can still do some of these same things to make it easier on whomever you've designated to be your Executor or Executrix. It will also be less stressful, money will be saved and precious resources won't be lost during the grieving process...when one can ill afford to lose anything because losing something means you have less at hand to deal with an already overwhelming situation. What I write is meant to be helpful but use what you want and toss the rest. It's your life and your decisions; what works for me might not, for whatever reason, work for you.

Please, do not fret over any of this!

HOMEWORK - get together a three-ring notebook, lined note paper, plastic sleeves that are open at the top, plastic sleeves that can close at the top, section dividers, three-ring pen holder attached to the notebook and contained therein a pen, small calculator, small ruler, paper clips

Blessings ~ Kubler-Ross ~ friends ~ stages of grief ~ grieving ~ emotions ~ kindness ~ patience ~ gentleness ~

Sabbath Keeping

2012-01-15T12:38:00.000-05:00

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love;

for you saw my affliction

and knew the anguish of my soul."

~ Psalms 31:7 ~

"O Lord I my best desires fulfil. And help me to resign

Life, health, and comfort, to Thy will,

And make Thy pleasure mine."

~ William Cowper ~

"Nay, all by Thee is ordered, chosen, planned

Each drop that fills my daily cup; Thy hand

Prescribes for ills none else can understand.

All, all is known to Thee."

~ A. L. Newton ~

"No star is ever lost we once have seen,

We always may be what we might have been.

Since Good, though only thought, has life and breath,

God's life--can always be redeemed from death

And evil, in its nature, is decay,

And any hour can blot it all away

The hopes that lost in some far distance seem,

May be the truer life, and this the dream."

~ Adelaide Anne Procter ~

"If thou hast Yesterday thy duty done,

And thereby cleared firm footing for To-day

Whatever clouds make dark To-morrow's sun,

Thou shalt not miss thy solitary way."

~ J. W. Von Goethe ~

"My father, teach us not only thy will, but how to do it.

Teach us the best way of doing the best thing,

lest we spoil the end by unworthy means."

~ Rev. J. H. Jowett ~

"It is by doing our duty that we learn to do it. So long as men dispute whether or no a thing is their duty, they get never the nearer. Let them set ever so weakly about doing it, and the face of things alters. They find in themselves strength which they knew not of. Difficulties which it seemed to them they could not get over, disappear. For He accompanies it with the influences of His blessed Spirit, and each performance opens our minds for larger influxes of His grace, and places them in communion with Him."

~ E. B. Pusey ~

"Dear friends, now we are children of God,

and what we will be has not yet been made known."

~ I John 3:2 ~

A Usual Snowy Saturday in January

2012-01-14T15:57:00.001-05:00

~ Buffy and Polly...or is it Sally... ~

There's an old saying, "no rest for the righteous and the weary don't need none". Ain't it the truth! Oh, and by the way, the word ain't was in popular usage as late as the 1960's and considered correct use of the language. Also, the word et for eat. I know language evolves and changes but, frankly, I don't think in a good way when words like gay no longer means happy or booty no longer means spoils of war. And, since I'm on an rant, did you know the word booty is used in the Old Testament? Yep, meaning spoils of war and not a fat girls backside. Oh, is that un-PC? sorreeeee....my bad.

~ if you were a man, I'd marry you Sam! ~

~ Ranger, my hero ~

Polaris makes a UTV, Utility Terrain Vehicle, that is a powerhouse; I'm not sure I could do what I do if I didn't have the Ranger. Dave bought it for me a few years back and it's made farm chores so much easier, safer and warmer. Although, when four dogs and I are crammed inside, the going is slower than usual. At the touch of a button, the bed lifts and dumps the contents to the ground while the heater, once warm, will make me open windows. There's a windshield wiper and each wheel has independent suspension...whooohooo! My Ranger, it's the Bomb!

Clinton, my neighbor, feeding his sheep. I think it's odd that Thistle Cove Farm still has so much snow but neighboring farms are bare and barren again. That should change as we're to get a couple more inches of snow tonight but Monday, the temps are supposed to be in the 50's which means boot sucking mud...again. sigh.

To feed cattle the men unroll a round bale of hay; the cattle line up, either side, and eat until it's gone or their calves take a snooze on what's left. The hay makes a soft, warm bed that's Very Attractive to the youngins.

~ don't hate me because I live in a beautiful place ~

I didn't make it to WalMart yesterday but went this morning, after chores. In between snow storms today, we did have some clear skies and Morris Knob is viewed from a different direction.

This fine buck was camera shy but I managed to get a photo or two of he and his family. I'm not sure but he could be at least a ten-pointer, perhaps 12; certainly he's beautiful and I hope he makes it to a ripe old age. Hear that, Daniel?!

~ John and Daniel, taking a meeting ~

One of my favorite things about living in a rural area is our version of taking a meeting. All of which means, when you see a neighbor, you stop and chat...the weather, feeding, cattle, dogs, children, spouses, neighbors...the usual stuff everyone talks about. It's just our board room is the great outdoors -smile-.

Perhaps I should have started with this photo. I made bread yesterday, a couple of soft oatmeal loaves that are delicious toasted and slathered with butter and my home made jam or my brother's honey. A neighbor has an uncle who keeps a milk cow and he's promised to get me a couple of gallons of milk. In return, I've promised to churn for butter and buttermilk and will share and, of course, I'll put a loaf of home made bread in the poke as well.

So, that's my usual Saturday; any day, really that's not Sunday or I have to go to town. Feeding my animals takes a while, especially with all the good helpers I've got, especially with all the picture taking I do, especially with all the rubber necking I enjoy. God has blessed me so much; my daily prayer is, "Please, God, give me the strength to do what You have set before me." He never disappoints.

Blessings ~ strength ~ health ~ beauty ~ bread ~ neighbors ~ hay ~ deer ~ Ranger ~

A Dog's Life, All Six of 'Em!

2012-01-13T14:48:00.002-05:00

~ waiting for breakfast ~

We're having Ole Man Winter visit the farm today; wind chills are around zero, temps are around 10 above F and the sun is playing hide and seek...mainly hide. We've been to the barn to count noses, feed animals, check water and now it's after lunch, time to do...well, what needs to be done is yet more paperwork dealing with Dave's death. However, I am so weary of paperwork; 'deed, what I'd really like is to run away from home if only for a night or two. Just to get a different perspective, to blow the cobwebs out, to have ~~a meal~~ food that's more than a handful of nuts or jellybeans or, for breakfast, Grapenuts cereal. It seems I can't get away from nuts -smile-.

~ no sweater for Jake B. Goode ~

It takes me a while to get everyone ready for the barn trek. The dogs all have sweaters and I have layers; by the time I get their sweaters on them, I've worked up a sweat, both from the exertion and from continually saying, "Stand still; wait a minute, stop that, move please!" Everyone is excited, they know what's coming and it makes them happy. All that is, save Jake, my Prodigal Son Border Collie, who is too dogly to wear a sweater. I think. At least, I've never tried putting a sweater on him. Jake has been coming here for ~~around a year~~ a while, can't really remember, and now that it's harsh winter, Jakes sleeps inside but still deigns to go to the barn for chores. He needs to keep an eye on the sheep and horses, you see. Jake is a Rambling Man and as a matter of fact, he and the Blue Heeler bitch on the farm behind us, just had a litter of puppies. As soon as I'm able to get off the farm, I'm going to buy a huge bag of dog food to contribute to their table. The folks who own the proud Mom hardly have two pennies to rub together so a bag of dog food will help Mom and puppies alike. BTW, anyone want a beautiful working dog? Those puppies are likely to have more brains than you and I put together and as both parents are beautiful, the puppies are button cute as well. Photos asap.
I'd ask Dave, "want me to take Jake to the animal shelter?" and Dave would always say, "no, but dadgummit! I hate having a dog that's smarter than me!" Jake comes and goes, as he wills and as always, and we're growing accustomed to each other's ways.

~ Abigail Von Rotten the Terrier and Sadie Hawkins ~

Abbie has been here since May 1997 but only God knows her beginnings or her age but we do know she's a rough coat Jack Russell. She was an adult when we found her and, even though aged, she's still got a heart the size of Montana. Her eyes are dimmed, her hearing almost gone and she requires two sweaters when the weather is harsh yet she refuses to stay behind. I know the feeling; I'd rather die with my boots on than watching television and, God willing, when it's my time, I'll go with my boots on, doing what I love, chores on this farm.

Sadie, aka Sada Hawkins, is from Keniba Ridgebacks and almost three; she's the only one we actually know their birth date. She's still puppyish and that's because I've allowed her to grow at her own pace and rate. Sadie, as are all Ridgebacks, is a chow hound and a counter surfer; if it's food, it's not safe. I cannot begin to tell you how many pounds of butter and bacon, glasses of milk, roasts, mashed potatoes, etc. she's consumed over the years. If it's not in the oven or placed high, it's not safe; she'll eat it. I know for a fact she burnt her tongue when she ate shortbread right from the hot pan! I was sure the shortbread was safe as it sat cooling for ten minutes but nope; Sadie said, "gosh it was hot but good!" Bad girl but it was my fault so no, she wasn't punished beyond my yelling...at lot and loudly. By the by, Keniba has a litter of puppies in February and if you're able to get on their buy list, more hurrah for you. Edith, Keniba's breeder, has Excellent Quality Ridges and I unreservedly recommend her. Yes, you can get less expensive Ridgebacks but as Dave always said, "Pay now or pay later, probably triple." It's always much better to put your money on the table in the beginning and get a quality companion animal, one who is deemed free of disease and health problems. Later on, it's not only financially expensive but it's heart breaking to deal with a friend who is sickly and in poor health so don't do it; buy quality and save yourself heartbreak. But, please, please...someone head slap me...I CAN ~~NOT~~ GET ANOTHER DOG...either a Ridge or one of Jake's puppies. ~~Please help me say "NO"!~~

Dave used to tell me the Drudge Report would, eventually, say, "Cove couple has 57 dogs!" I'd look at him and reply, "you say that like it's a bad thing!"

~ Sophie Lauren Butterball ~

My little fat girl still hasn't lost weight but that's not her fault. Her dang human, me, gives treats in the morning and feeds at night. I have cut back on the treats so, maybe, she'll start losing a pound or four. Sophie came here the week after Dave was buried; her human Pa had cancer and died leaving her human Ma in dire straits. Dave and I'd discussed bringing Sophie to live with us and just because Dave died, I saw no reason to reverse my offer. Soph is a broken coat brown and white Jack Russell and thinks she owns the place; between she and Abbie, they're probably right.

~ Sam P. Spade, Secret Agent ~

Sam still hasn't told us what the P. stands for but that's okay; a man of mystery is always welcome. One first Sunday in June, while on the way to church, Dave and I found Sam. He was just a little thing and had, probably, been thrown out with his litter. He was the only one we found so we turned around, brought him home and put him in the kennel with fresh water and food. sigh. Dave and I being humans, are slow so it took us two weeks to get it through out thick skulls Sam was meant to live here, on the farm, and we would be his humans. It's been a good arrangement and all are happy with this little Basket Hound, aka Basset Hound, Spaniel, Terrier mix.

~ Grandma Grace and Miss Kitty ~

Gracie is the oldest dog, we're guessing around seventeen but, again, only God knows. She was wandering around on the side of the road when she was, easily, persuaded to live on the farm. Her bones are old, she's slow and dim of sight but is yet able to dance for a treat. Grace is an Australian Shepherd Corgi mix and loves to herd me. If I'm not moving quickly enough or in the "right" direction, Grace will take a little nip at my heels to hurry me along. Alas, Miss Kitty has gone on before and she and Dave are saving me a place.

I've not even gone into detail on the rescued horse or sheep; that's for another entry. I do know I need to get to the grocery store, if I'm going; there's sure to be black ice on the road so I need to go and come during daylight hours.

So, tell me...who have you rescued lately? Who owes their life to your being willing to extend a hand?

Blessings ~ Abigail ~ Grace ~ Sadie ~ Sam ~ Jake ~ Sophie ~ and all those gone before and to come after, God bless us, everyone! ~

A Howling Wilderness

2012-01-09T20:40:00.001-05:00

A few days ago, Millie and I were talking; she asked how I was doing. I told her, "where Dave used to be, here on the farm with us, is now a black hole and everything is rushing toward that black hole, being pulled into, sucked inside, and wanting, needing to be wholly obliterated. It's all a horrible dream, a nightmare that is never ending. It goes on, day after day after day, breath after breath after breath... ."

See what lies before you, dear ones? At a time when one is most vulnerable, most grief stricken, most emotionally distraught...now is the time when the vultures come forth to feast on the psyche.

~ Very loud, very heavy organ music is appropriate here ~

"Oh, we're so sorry for your loss. Your husband owed us xx dollars on his last credit card bill so if you'll give us your checking account information, we can deduct it immediately, as in today, right now, to pay his account in full," said one credit card rep.

"That's not possible. I need to go to the bank rearrange some funds and will send a check tomorrow," said I.

Said credit card rep, "no, that's not our policy. We want our money NOW and if you don't give us your checking account information, we'll search for your husband's estate and seize the estate."

WHAT!!?

"What part of "I called you" don't you understand? I called you to find out how much money he owes so I can pay the bill...but only after I ascertain there is enough money in my checking account. I've paid a lot of bills this week and need to make sure I have enough money in the account to cover the check. There's no need to treat me like a criminal! Finally, I am the estate...get it?!"

So, when I disappear for days on end, it's because my energy levels have been sucked entirely dry by some emotional vampire in their day job as a corporate employee.

One thing about grief that has entirely caught me off-guard is how physically exhausting it is to simply put one foot before the other. I knew it was emotionally overwhelming but the physical exhaustion has caught me altogether by surprise. I'll have one good morning or afternoon, or, once or twice, a time or two almost a day, but those few good hours cost me ten times more in days of feeling totally submerged, of being dead-headed, of seeing through a glass darkly, if at all.

Remember that black hole mentioned earlier? Inordinate amounts of time are spent pulling back from that black hole edge; trying to maintain some semblance of balance in a fight to stay upright, on my feet and not completely drowning in an emotional quarry of grief and other emotions. It's my experience I cannot pray myself out of it, I cannot talk myself out of it, I cannot cry myself out of it...I must bear the weight of grief as a mantilla; bowed, bloody, breathless, exhausted until it passes and, for a short time, I am given respite. A relief, all too brief, from it all.

Grief is a howling wilderness where I stumble around, for the most part, blind to everything but the pain of grief, while it drenches me in fog as in the photo above.

There are two Bible verses I clutch with whatever strength God gives me.

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still."

~ Exodus 14:14 ~

and

"He will command His angels to guard you in all your ways."

~ Psalms 91:11 ~

I'm beginning to understand why no one, much, speaks of grief. It's too personal, too raw, too emotional, too messy. Yet, is that not why we are called to be Christians? To help one another? I tell you truthfully, I believe if I were not a Christian, I would have killed every living thing on this farm and myself last. It is being a Christian, casting myself on Abba's, my heavenly Father's lap, that gets me out of bed each morning. It is He who gets me through the days, the weeks, the months, the moments. In time, grief subsides, tiny bit by tiny bit, and, I think, but am not sure, I am left, perhaps, a tiny bit stronger.

"I walked a mile with Pleasure

She chattered all the way

But left me none the wiser

For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow.

And ne'er a word said she

But oh! the things I learned from her

When Sorrow walked with me."

~ Robert Browning Hamilton ~

Blessings ~ Stephanie ~ Millie ~ Timi ~ Sandra ~ Jill ~ Vicki ~ Mary Lois ~ Ray ~ Fred ~

Sabbath Keeping

2012-01-08T09:38:00.001-05:00

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

~ Exodus 14:14 ~

"For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways."

~ Psalms 91:11 ~

If you'd like your name added to the prayer list, please let me know.

Prayer Keeping ~ Karena ~ Roland ~ Debbie ~ Beckwith family ~ Lea and family ~ Kary ~ Mildred ~ John ~ Noelle ~ Geoffrey ~ Terry ~ Angela, Penny and family ~ Daniel ~ Morgan ~ Meredith ~ Susan ~ Stephanie ~ Winnie ~ Wanda ~ Steve ~ Leslie ~ William and Catherine ~ Becky ~ Rick ~ Misha ~ J ~ Linda ~ Skip ~ Ryan ~ Roy ~ Tonya ~ me ~

Meteor Shower, Wife to Widow, Etc.

2012-01-03T16:05:00.001-05:00

~ serenity, thy name is Thistle Cove Farm ~

The first meteor shower of 2012 begins tonight but the best viewing is after midnight/pre-dawn tomorrow morning. The Quadrantid Meteor Shower is supposed to peak about 2:30 tonight and is supposed to be one of this year's best. Science Daily has another report.

I'm planning on having hot chocolate and my heavy boots and coat ready with sweaters on the dogs. Guess I'll find out how they like being awakened in the wee hours for something I want to do!
-smile-

The Joy of Quiet - what farmers have known all along is now being touted as the new, best, biggest, brightest and folks are paying huge
$$$ for the privilege of silence. There are people going to the Post Ranch Inn in Big Sur who are paying more than $2,000 a night to not have a television, i-net or radio in their rooms. Heck, they can just come here and I'd only charge them $2K even and make sure they had farm chores to do mornings and evenings. They could really commune with nature!

There are also Internet Rescue Camps...I kid you not!...for those who are addicted to computers. Is it just me or is anyone else wondering why people don't have a life anymore?

Additionally, in the above referenced article, the author says s/he has friends who buy some kind of software which enables them to disable their i-net connections. HELLLLOOOO! My computer has an off button but, then again, perhaps I am special, just like Dave always told me, eh? -smile- I don't know how to text, can't take pictures with my cell phone and don't have a tablet...at least not one that doesn't use a number two pencil.

OTOH, I've either been without telephone service or intermittent service since Christmas Day, but when I call Verizon to tell them about it, they speak to me...Angel, are you listening...and I don't think she's one of the heavenly realm...tells me, "Well, I don't know why you're calling, my computer shows you have service." Yes, dear, however, it's intermittent...do you know what that big word means, Angel? It means spotty, sometimes, not all the time, infrequently and, sometimes, Not At All. Fortunately, or so time will tell, a supervisor Heather listened to me and said she'd give me a $25 one time credit and I wouldn't pay for the days I've been without service.

Tie that in with the electricity that's been off and it's been Really Quiet here on the farm. That is, if I don't count the wind which has been Really Harsh. You know, I can stand the cold as well as the silence and, in fact, love both, but the wind is something else. It's determined to suck the warmth out of everything living and last night the temps in my bedroom were 45F above zero. I'm not sure what the wind chill was and don't really want to know. I do know it was a four dog night but it is every night around here -smile-.

~ please, take button from top left, not this one ~

In an attempt to muddle my way through this Wife to Widow journey, I am starting a new blog to help other people do some things that will make the paperwork, etc. just a tad easier. Someone asked me if I'd make it pertinent to men as well as women. Anyone, wives, husbands, singles can glean the information but, statistically speaking, it's the husband who dies first and the wife left. So, the new blog is written from my, the wife's, point of view. However, trust me when I tell you this: Everyone can benefit from what I've learned and, I'm hoping, others will chime in with their experiences.

The new blog address is WifetoWidow; please grab the button on the top left of my Thistle Cove Farm blog and spread the word. As EBB so beautifully said

"Knowing that when light is gone

Love remains for shining"

Blessings ~ Madge ~ silence ~ serenity ~ dogs ~ meteor showers ~ journeys ~ we're all on our way from somewhere to eternity ~

Sabbath Keeping

2012-01-01T19:18:00.001-05:00

~ the road ahead ~

"When he maketh inquisition for blood, he remembereth them:

he forgetteth not the cry of the humble."

~ Psalms 9:12 ~

"Do you wish to be great? Then begin by being.

Do you desire to construct a vast and lofty fabric?

Think first about the foundations of humility.

The higher your structure is to be,

the deeper must be its foundation."

~ Saint Augustine ~

"If I have seen further than others; it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."

~ Isaac Newton ~

"A man can counterfeit love, he can counterfeit faith, he can counterfeit hope and all the other graces, but it is very difficult to counterfeit humility." ~ D. L. Moody ~

"I long to accomplish a great and noble task;

but my chief duty is to accomplish small tasks

as if they were great and noble."

~ Helen Keller ~

"The smallest things become great when God requires them of us; they are small only in themselves; they are always great when they are done for God." ~ Francois Fenelon ~

"True merit, like a river, the deeper it is, the less noise it makes."

~ Edward Frederick Halifax ~

"Be not proud of race, face, place, or grace."

~ Charles Haddon Spurgeon ~

"The ordinary arts we practice every day at home are of more importance to the soul than their simplicity might suggest."

~ Thomas More ~

"If I cannot in honest happiness take the second place (or the twentieth); if I cannot take the first without making a fuss about my unworthiness, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

~ Amy Carmichael ~"Blessed the man and woman who is able to serve cheerfully in the second rank -- a big test." ~ Mary Slessor ~

"How do we know if we have a servant’s heart?

By how we act when we are treated like one!"

~ Unknown ~

"Just because God is working through us does not mean that we are right with God." ~ Unknown ~

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself

but thinking of yourself less."

~ C.S. Lewis ~

"Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.

For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved,

but the one whom the Lord commends."

~ 2 Corinthians 10:17-18 ~

If you'd like your name added to the prayer list, please let me know.

Prayer Keeping ~ Karena ~ Roland ~ Debbie ~ Beckwith family ~ Lea and family ~ Kary ~ Mildred ~ John ~ Noelle ~ Geoffrey ~ Terry ~ Angela, Penny and family ~ Daniel ~ Morgan ~ Meredith ~ Susan ~ Stephanie ~ Winnie ~ Wanda ~ Steve ~ Leslie ~ William and Catherine ~ Becky ~ Rick ~ Misha ~ J ~ Linda and Skip ~ Ryan ~ Roy ~ Tonya ~ me ~

Happy New Year's Eve

2011-12-31T11:50:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year

May the worst of 2012 be from the best of 2011.

Blessings ~ the year is almost ended ~ heating oil in the tank ~ new de-icer in the water trough ~ hay ready to be set out for horses and sheep ~ farm is readied for the coming storm ~ Psalms 91:11 ~

"Christmas With Friends"

2011-12-25T12:56:00.000-05:00

The snowflakes are lovely,

Though 'Snowmen' are few;

Fond mem'ries sustain us,

Now isn't that true?

Recall the huge mantle

All hung with our socks?

We played on the floors

With our dolls and our blocks.

The popcorn we strung wrapped

Around the whole tree;

The games that we played

Aren't on your TV.

We all could play checkers,

Or skate or jump rope;

Our simple lives thrived

On much kindness and hope.

The foods were all splendid--

Sweet holiday fare--

We dine like that daily

With never a care.

The REAL CHRISTMAS taught us

to follow a Star;

We've traveled great pathways

And now here we are.

We sing Alleluias

The praise never ends;

But nothing compares with

The LOVE of our FRIENDS.

We're blest to have found this

Our haven of joy,

God bless you....be thankful

For one tiny Boy."

~ Harriette Winters ~

Blessings ~ God has blessed me with you dear folks who read, pray and comment on this blog. You have made these past long months bearable. May God hold you in His righteous right hand of mercy, grace and love now and forever. Amen ~

Dear Dave,

2011-12-22T16:38:00.000-05:00

It's almost Christmas Eve eve and as we get closer to Christmas, my feet drag slower and slower. It's been a ~~day~~ ~~weeks~~ month and more of pain, sorrow and grief. People who barely know me have asked the Most Intensely Personal Questions and it has Boggled my mind! People have treated me with utmost shabbiness, dare I say even rudeness, and have felt ??? compelled to ask me "so, are you moving now that Dave is gone?" or "where are you spending Christmas?" or "are you selling the farm?" To the woman who asked the later, I was tempted to say, "does it matter? You can't afford it." but, at the last moment, God stayed my mouth.

Bless Him.

I think.

To the woman...why is it mostly women who are so rude???...who said, "where are you spending Christmas?" I responded, "where ever I spend it, I'll do my best to be happy." She doesn't have the best reputation; was she asking so she could case the joint? One feller asked, "what was wrong with you the other night?" I said, "some days are harder than others." He said, "yeah, but you usually just let things slide off your back." I tell you what, Fat Boy; grief doesn't slide; it's dead weight pinned to my shoulders and I carry it, daily. This is my life right now; if you don't like it, do us both a favor, keep it to yourself and move on.

I do strive to be happy and when that's not possible...which is the majority of the time...I strive to be content. In contentment, at least, I am succeeding.

What I want to say to people, and may yet do, is, "If you're a Christian, please pray for me." Although, surely if they were Christian, they wouldn't be asking such rude questions, right? Ah, I can hear you now, "Jeremiah, you think this is real; you've never known it was all a game." Like you told your cousin one time, "Sandra is the thing of substance. She's totally unaware most people are outward appearances only." Oh Dave, there will Never be anyone like you; God broke the mold when He made you. I'm just so grateful He allowed me to be your companion wife; He blessed me in ways only He understands! No one, save me, will ever know why your nickname for me was 'Jeremiah'; that name was laid to rest the day you died. So many dreams were laid to rest that day; I suppose new dreams will be dreamt but they will never, I don't think, be as wonderful as the dreams you and I had together nor as the realization of some of those dreams.

Over the Christmas holidays, I'm keeping Mary and Donald's three children. Yes, you're right, I have lost my mind. If not before, certainly since -laughing-. It saves Mary and Donald a boatload of child care fees and it's been, mostly, good for the children and for me. Although, it did take my breath when K. said to me, "I think Sam is sad because Dave died. You're probably sad too, aren't you?" Oh child. I pray to God you never know!

Nelson has put me in touch with someone who is going to help me. I've spoken with G. on the phone and none of my bells went off. You would always tease me, Dave, about my ability to discern when something or someone was "off". God has blessed me with discernment and He has taught me to listen to that "still, small whisper". What a Friend We Have in Jesus indeed! Things are still up in the air but there's light and I have breathing room now; a good thing because so many times I struggle to catch my breath.

Lately, it has been the strangest of times. I've wanted to wallow in grief, even though the three children need, nay demand my attention, but God had other plans. Several people have told me, "Oh, you're so strong; you'll be fine." They seem nonplussed when I say, "No, I'm not strong and have wanted to quit, to just stop eating and die. My purpose is gone; I am bereft of even breath and there are times I catch myself gulping air, my body depleted of oxygen and starving for air." There are those, I am quite sure, who would condemn me, a Bible believing Christian, for saying my purpose is gone. But Dave, you have been my purpose these last twenty-plus years. We saved each other from certain horror and, for me, the saving grace is knowing you made peace with Christ the week before you died. Was that what these last decades have been about? Then, Beloved, it was...it is...worth it all.

Bless you for giving me the assurance you loved me. Cathy was the love of your youth and, after she died, it took years for your grief to subside. Even after we married, you mourned Cathy; even so, I was glad to be second because it was better than not at all. Most women will go to their graves never knowing the love of a great man; bless God I knew your love. In the week before you died, you told me, "as much as I ever loved Cathy, I have loved you more." Oh Dave, what a gift you gave me; bless your heart, you prepared me as well as I was able to bear.

Merry Christmas, Dave. Thank you for loving me and thank you for letting me love you.

Blessings ~ Christmas ~ oxygen ~ Dave ~ three children ~ God's arm around my shoulder and His hand over my mouth ~

Sabbath Keeping

2011-12-18T08:15:00.001-05:00

"Those who know your name trust you,

O LORD,

because you have never deserted

those who seek your help."

~ Psalms 9:10 ~

"My dear child,

you must believe in God,

no matter what the clergy tell you."

~ Benjamin Jowett ~

"Duty is ours, events are God's."

~ Samuel Rutherford ~

"There is but one way to tranquility of mind and happiness. Let this therefore be always ready at hand with thee, both when thou wakest early in the morning, and when thou goest late to sleep, to account no external thing thine own, but commit all these to God." ~ Epictetus ~

"Nothing is worth more than this day."

~ Goethe ~

"Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses and disappointments; but let us have patience and we shall soon see them in their proper figures." ~ Joseph Addison ~

"Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations and say continually: the Lord is my strength and my shield: my heart has trusted in Him and I am helped. He is not only with me...but in me...and I in Him. ..." ~ St. Francis de Sales ~

"Lord, I know not what to ask of Thee;

Thou knowest what I need;

Thou lovest me better than I know how to love myself.

O Father, give to Thy child, that which he himself knows not how to ask. I dare not ask either for crosses or consolations; I simply present myself before Thee. I open my heart to Thee.

Behold my needs which I know not myself;

see and do according to Thy tender mercy."

~ Francois de Salignac Fenelon ~

"...did you not know I must be about my Father's business?"

~ Luke 2: 49 ~

If you'd like your name added to the prayer list, please let me know.

Prayer Keeping ~ Roland ~ Debbie ~ Beckwith family ~ Lea and family ~ Kary ~ Mildred ~ John ~ Noelle ~ Geoffrey ~ Terry ~ Angela, Penny and family ~ Daniel ~ Morgan ~ Meredith ~ Susan ~ Stephanie ~ Winnie ~ Wanda ~ Steve ~ Leslie ~ William and Catherine ~ Becky ~ Rick ~ Misha ~ J ~ Linda and Skip ~ Ryan ~ Roy ~ Tonya ~ me ~

A Letter to the Most Illustrious the Contessina Allagia Dela Aldobrandeschi

2011-12-15T19:12:00.002-05:00

There is nothing I can give you which you have not got; but there is much, very much, that, while I cannot give it, you can take. No Heaven can come to us unless our hearts find rest in it to-day. Take Heaven! No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present little instant. Take peace!

The gloom of the world is but a shadow. Behind it, yet within our reach, is joy. There is radiance and glory in the darkness, could we but see; and to see, we have only to look. Contessina I beseech you to look.

Life is so generous a giver, but we, judging its gifts by their covering, cast them away as ugly or heavy or hard. Remove the covering, and you will find beneath it a living splendour, woven of love, by wisdom, with power. Welcome it, grasp it, and you touch the Angel's hand that brings it to you. Everything we call a trial, a sorrow, or a duty: believe me, that angel's hand is there; the gift is there, and the wonder of an overshadowing Presence. Our joys, too: be not content with them as joys, they too conceal diviner gifts.

Life is so full of meaning and of purpose, so full of beauty--beneath its covering--that you will find that earth but cloaks your heaven. Courage, then to claim it: that is all! But courage you have; and the knowledge that we are pilgrims together, wending through unknown country, home.

And so, at this Christmas time, I greet you; not quite as the world sends greetings, but with profound esteem, and with the prayer that for you, now and forever, the day breaks and the shadows flee away.

by FRA GIOVANNI, A Letter to the Most Illustrious the Contessina Allagia Dela Aldobrandeschi, Written Christmas Eve Anno Domini 1513

Blessings ~ Giovanni ~ "...pilgrims together, wending through unknown country, home" ~

Christmas card 2011

2011-12-13T18:50:00.000-05:00

This is the photo placed inside ~~our~~ my Christmas cards this year. Dave and I were in the Azores Islands, about one thousand miles off the coast of Portugal. When we traveled, I'd wear a red or other brightly colored scarf so Dave could find me out in a crowd easier; it was one of our safety measures.

Today, someone asked, "how are you doing?" Well, I have bad days and then I have worse days and that's the way it is right now. Those two "almost normal, almost ordinary days"...well, they didn't last. That's one thing about grief; it catches me ~~one~~ me so blasted unaware. Writing Christmas cards today, putting photos in for some family and friends was meant to be the remembering of good times. It worked too, for a while and then the reality of now set in; knowing Dave is gone and I'll never hear his voice again, seem him again, hear him ask, "How's everything down at the barn?" It's a gut punch, all over again.

Earlier this evening, I went to a 4-H volunteer training meeting but that didn't last. I left about twenty minutes after I got there; it was just too much, too soon and a mistake on my part to think I'm up for any kind of volunteer work right now. In fifteen minutes, there's a community meeting and I'm not any more excited about going there than I was to find myself at the first meeting. Grief takes a lot of energy and emotional energy, especially, chews through the precious few reserves left to me. The next time I get the bright idea to do anything for anyone other than myself or my family, someone head slap me, 'k?

By the way, visit Sunday's Sabbath Keeping post and say a prayer for all those mentioned, please and thanks. Especially, the Beckwith family who lost a 26 year old son and husband in a horrible farming accident; he left behind a wife, a four year old daughter and a three month old daughter. Life is bleak for them right now.

Blessings ~ I'm still breathing ~ the dogs love me ~ the horses have hay ~ beautiful weather today ~

Sabbath Keeping

2011-12-11T18:12:00.001-05:00

~ gateway to the world ~

"Be strong and courageous.

Do not be afraid or discouraged."

~ 1 Chronicles 22:13 ~

"Let me do my work each day;

And if the darkened hours of despair overcome me,

May I not forget the strength that comforted me

In the desolation of other times

May I still remember the bright hours that found me

Walking over the silent hills of my childhood

Or dreaming on the margin of the quiet river,

When a light glowed within me,

And I promised my early God to have courage

Amid the tempests of the changing years...."

~ Max Ehrmann ~

"Never let us be discouraged with ourselves; it is not when we are conscious of our faults that we are the most wicked, on the contrary we are then less so. We see by a brighter light, and let us remember for our consolation that we never perceive our sins till we begin to cure them. We must neither flatter nor be impatient with ourselves in the correction of our faults.

Despondency is not a state of humility; on the contrary, it is the vexation and despair of a cowardly pride--nothing is worse; whether we stumble or whether we fall, we must think only of rising again and going on in our course. Our faults may be useful to us, if they cure us of a vain confidence in ourselves, and do not deprive us of a humble and salutary confidence in God.

Let us bless God with as true thankfulness if He have enabled us to make any progress in virtue as if we had made it through our own strength, and let us not be troubled with the weak agitations of self-love; let them pass; do not think of them.

God never makes us feel our weakness but that we may be led to seek strength from Him.

What is involuntary should not trouble us; but the great thing is never to act against the light within us, and to desire to follow where God would lead us."

~ Fenelon ~

" Though I may stumble, I may fall,

My weakness is His strength;

No one is lost who hears His call:

His grace, my recompense."

~ E. C. M. ~

"He has kept and folded us from ten thousand ills when we did not know it: in the midst of our security we should have perished every hour, but that He sheltered us "from the terror by night and from the arrow that flieth by day"--from the powers of evil that walk in darkness, from snares of our own evil will. He has kept us even against ourselves, and saved us even from our own undoing...."

~ H. E. Manning ~

"For God has not give us a spirit of fear,

but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

~ I Timothy 2:7 ~

An Ordinary Day

2011-12-09T18:49:00.001-05:00

~ Super Sadie and Sophie Lauren Butterball ~

For some reason, this photo makes me think of Superman. Remember? He'd stand, arms crossed, as he gazed in the far distance. I tried putting antlers on the dogs...Christmas, doncha know?...and they rebelled. Sadie would run between my legs...I think in embarrassment...and Sam would just shake his head like, "you're taking this just a little too far, Mom." Somehow, he didn't seem to buy the disguise suggestion.

~ Sam P. Spade, Secret Agent ~

It was crisp today but warm enough to get outside and get some work done.

The garden still has corn which is given to the horses; such a treat for them!

Not the best photo of Sophie but she was shaking her head to rid herself of dirt. Sophie, Sam and Abbie spent a couple of hours today digging out mice...Good Dogs...Very Good Dogs! Sadie, of course, supervised as she doesn't like getting wet or cold feet.

~ Abigail Von Rotten The Terror ~

Abbie has old bones; Dave and I found her back in May 1997 and she was an adult when we found her. She's been my heartbeat all these years; where you'd see me, you'd see Abigail and vice versa. She still has a great heart but her body is slowing down and she's all but deaf with vision problems but her nose is still as good as ever. Please God, don't take her too very soon...please.

Today was, just about, an ordinary day. What a blessing and a gift! Yes, I spent a lot of time wrestling with various folks trying to get yet more paperwork accomplished regarding Dave's death. I think I'm making headway but, tell me something...is it just me or would you get riled when someone said, "I'm sorry for your loss. Your husband owned money on his credit card and we can take that money out of your checking account Right Now and it won't cost you anything."

Well. Duh. What a surprise. It won't cost me anything, eh? Do I look like one of those ejit ninja turtles? I think not. I told the woman I had to go to town, re-arrange some money and would send her a check later today. She said, "in that case, we're going to have to start searching for his estate so we can attach the estate." I said, "What part of I CALLED YOU don't you understand? I'm perfectly willing to pay this bill but I have to make sure I have the money in my checking account. And anyway, I AM THE ESTATE!" I have sunk to a new low; I am now praying for people like Paul prayed for Alexander.

I've said I'm going to blog about this madness that has resulted from Dave's, untimely to me, death. There are things you can do now to help you in the event your spouse passes away. Things that will make all the paperwork, banking, legal krap, etc. much, much easier on the one left behind. I'm working on some blog entries now and will, after the first of the year, present them to you. I thought we could all get through Christmas and the Holidays first and then, like going back to school, start on 2 January.

Wife to Widow: Preparedness Training is the working title; I certainly like...well, you know what I mean...wry smile...the Wife to Widow part...it's at least apropos in my state...and I'm still trying to figure out the secondary part.

Would someone help me with a blog button, please and thank you? I'm giving away what I've learned, via the school of hard knocks, for free and would like to get the word out to as many as possible. Yeah, maybe it is a bit macabre but, believe me, the more information and knowledge you have at hand, the better off you'll be. When you're in a vulnerable situation, sharks are circling like mad and just waiting for you to stumble and fall into the water so they can finish you off. Everyone has their hand out and it's a juggling act, figuring out who gets what first.

I've learned a difficult time does not have to be a terrible time but you have to be prepared. Or is that a terrible time does not have to be a difficult time...? Whatever, I can help make it easier. We're all in this thing called life together; let's hold hands and help each other along the way.

Blessings ~ sunshine ~ Sam ~ Abbie ~ Sadie ~ Sophie ~ an ordinary day ~

Looking Like Christmas...

2011-12-08T11:19:00.001-05:00

~ daybreak over the valley ~

Is it because of Santa and the North Pole we equate Christmas with snow? Yesterday afternoon, right at 3:00 -as if by some timetable known only to God- it began to storm. And, storm it did with a passion! Miss G. was here to share lunch and then to sew and when I looked out the window I gasped and said, "Miss G! You're welcome to spend the night but if you want to get home, you'd better leave NOW!" She laughed, gathered her things up and started for home. It's strange where we live; if we want to go anywhere, we have to cross one mountain and, most times, two mountains. It took Miss G. an hour to drive about twenty miles but she got home safely and that's all that matters.

~ bean, kilbasa, kale, bread soup ~

Lunch was a hearty soup that, I'm positive, someone else came up with eons ago. Here's the recipe but you need to tweak according to your own taste. Also, it's quick because I used canned beans.

Chop and brown a couple of sweet onions in a TBL of EVOO

Slice a package of kilbasa, add to onions

When those are browned, add

1 quart chicken stock

4 cans cannelloni beans, with the broth and

Simmer for an hour or two - it's a very forgiving recipe -smile-

When the soup is thirty minutes from the table, add at least 1/2 package of kale. I add the whole package but some folks might think that's a bit of overkill but, in the winter, can we get enough green? I think not.

Stir the kale in and simmer for about thirty minutes.

Meanwhile, back at the counter take a loaf of stale bread and cut it into rough pieces. Melt some butter...if I told you how much butter I used, your arteries would collapse! but I don't think a stick is unreasonable, do you?...mix in some herbs...I used Italian, Basil and Garlic Pepper Salt...then pour over the bread. Slip the bread into a hot oven and bake for the last thirty minutes of the cooking soup.

When the soup goes into the bowl, place some pieces of bread on top, sprinkle with Parmesan cheese and serve. Most of the time my bread is stale; yesterday, the bread was hard enough to beat a crow so letting the bread soak in the soup juices was a Very Good Thing. Have I mentioned how delicious was the soup? As Daddy likes to say, "good enough to make your tongue slap your brains out!"

~ wreaths on every gate ~

Miss G. and I are working on individual projects; she on a quilt and I on Christmas stockings. There are eight children I know who might enjoy a hand made Christmas stocking stuffed with some little treasures and one is for an adult. Hopefully, she still remembers the magic, joy and reason for Christmas...hopefully.

~ breakfast of champeens ~

I've always though hay bales, covered in snow, looked like Frosted Wheat cereal; there's enough to last a couple of years so the horses and sheep won't go hungry any time soon.

Yesterday was the first "normal" day I've had since Dave died; thanks to Miss G. and the work of my hands, God is doing His work in my heart. Undoubtedly, there are still dark days ahead but yesterday, God gave me a glimmer of what will, in time, be my new normal. No, I don't understand, and never will this side of the veil, but I still choose to accept His will. I choose to trust Him to know what's best for me and, yes, I still ask questions. Christ asked questions of His our Father, can't I as well?

~ barn cat, after breakfast ~

As Elisabeth Elliot says, "You are loved with an everlasting love and underneath are the everlasting arms!"

Bless His name forever.

Blessings ~ Miss G ~ sewing ~ the work of our hands ~ snow ~ soup ~ healing ~

Lately, My Mantra

2011-12-06T20:43:00.001-05:00

KEEP CALM

AND

TAKE A NAP

Blessings ~ naps ~ naps ~ naps ~

Sabbath Keeping

2011-12-04T17:36:00.001-05:00

~ Dave in Bedouin camp,

Sahara Desert, Morocco ~

"I made you grow like a plant of the field.

You grew up and developed and became

the most beautiful of jewels."

~ Ezekiel 16:7 ~

"Tell me not, in mournful numbers,

Life is but an empty dream!

For the soul is dead that slumbers,

And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!

And the grave is not its goal;

Dust thou art, to dust returnest,

Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,

Is our destined end or way;

But to act, that each tomorrow

Finds us farther than today.

Lives of great men all remind us

We can make our lives sublime,

And, departing, leave behind us

Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,

Sailing o'er life's solemn main,

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,

Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,

With a heart for any fate;

Still achieving, still pursuing,

Learn to labour and to wait.

~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow ~

"All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing,

just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it

and understood God's grace in all its truth."

~ Colossians 1:6 ~

No Regrets, Choose Happiness

2011-12-03T18:32:00.001-05:00

~ Rogue River, Oregon salmon fishing ~

According to this site and the person writing the post, the top five regrets of those folks who are in the last stages of life are

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

If you visited the link, please know I'm not recommending the site and know nothing about the site but happened upon it when wandering around reading something else somewhere else. How's that for nailing it down for you, eh? -smile-

~ haggling in the Marrakesh souk ~

All I want to say is, choose happiness. We're all battling some kind of something or other...physical, mental, emotional, financial or combinations and battles we wouldn't wish on enemies. When your friend, spouse, partner or love does something, intentionally or unintentionally, unkind...choose happiness. When we allow someone to make us angry or annoy us, we lose. We lose happiness and all those losses may not seem like much time lost now, but when we're sick or on our deathbed, those minutes will come to us, unbidden, and we will anguish over those opportunities of, now forever, lost happiness.

~ in Alaska ~

Dave lived a life of his choosing and not the life others expected of him. I think there are those that resented him for that; they begrudged him his happiness because Dave chose the path less traveled and did well in life. For those who are obedient, always doing the "right thing"...usually as perceived by their parents or others in authority...someone else doing well by taking the path less traveled can irritate. Dave taught me to live likewise and, more importantly, he encouraged and supported me in that quest.

~ kayaking, Inside Passage, Alaska ~

Dave worked smart, rarely hard and was always amused because I loved working hard. Physical labor thrilled me and a barn cleaned of muck and manure and put back to rights was a joy to me. A garden full of food, pantry shelves with home canned goods, a quilt on the frame, wool on the spinning wheel...those things that made our house a home and our lives whole, they pleased me to do well. Quiet joy and a complete sense of satisfaction was my reward; that and knowing, at the end of the day, I could face God and Dave with a clear heart and conscious made my life whole. Dave, on the other hand, would spend hours and hours in quiet contemplation figuring how he could earn his living, what decisions would best suit him, us, the company for which he worked. Dave put together a great team and they are feeling his loss.

~ camping in Sahara Desert, Morocco ~

As I'm typing this, so many of you are running through my mind...your situations, circumstances, prayer needs...yes, you're tucked into prayer and thank you for your prayers. "This" is the hardest thing I've ever done, this treading of a path unknown, empty of comfort and full of longing. No one can explain and no one can prepare another; it's a membership I'd gladly give up my rights. I'm trying to choose happiness but, truth be told, most days I simply put one foot in front of the other and plod, plod, plod.

~ Arno River, Florence, Italy ~

I do know I'm rather tired of people telling me they understand or they know what I'm going through. How can they when tonight, they will slip into bed beside their loved one and cuddle against the cold darkness? How can they know the overwhelming vastness of the loneliness that threatens to submerge me and press the breath out of my body? A beloved friend asked, "do you start to speak to Dave and then realize he's no longer there?" Not even hardly. The black hole of emptiness he's left behind is always surrounding me; I'm never unaware he's gone, always aware I'm now one. Sometimes I say something shockingly rude, ugly even, just to make people focus on how bad I am but, at least, then they stop with the platitudes. That's a relief and, frankly, I can hardly care what anyone thinks right now. It's too much effort to care and I am empty of effort.

I'm trying to choose happiness but success isn't mine to claim. Later perhaps, but not right now, and that's the best I can do.

Blessings ~ memories ~ photos ~

Sabbath Keeping

2011-11-27T07:21:00.001-05:00

~ sunrise over the valley ~

"If they obey and serve him, they will spend the rest
of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment."
~ Job 36:11 ~

"Nothing on earth can make up

for the loss of one who has loved you."

~ Selma Lagerlof ~

"But godliness with contentment is great gain."
~ Timothy 6:6 ~

If you'd like your name added to the prayer list, please let me know.

Prayer Keeping ~ Lea and family ~ Kary ~ Mildred ~ John ~ Noelle ~ Geoffrey ~ Terry ~ Angela, Penny and family ~ Daniel ~ Morgan ~ Meredith ~ Susan ~ Stephanie ~ Winnie ~ Wanda ~ Steve ~ Leslie ~ William and Catherine ~ Becky ~ Rick ~ Misha ~ J ~ Linda and Skip ~ Ryan ~ Roy ~ Tonya ~ me ~

Two weeks

2011-11-26T07:58:00.001-05:00

Oh dear God. It's only been two weeks.

Blessings ~ God's strength, grace, mercy and love ~