this woman's work

Residential Treatment challenges?

Dawn — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 12:54:05 +0000

A friend of mine is looking for support around her need to find her child a residential treatment center for mental health issues. My friend adopted her child in a situation that is very similar to foster-to-adopt and their adoption is open as safety allows. She has been a helpful and understanding presence on Open Adoption Support before and I’ve learned a lot about the limits and challenges of openness through her honest, soul-searching blog.

If you are reading any blogs that are good sources of information and support, can you leave their addresses in the comments for me so I can pass them on to her?

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This is an interesting discussion

Dawn — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 14:00:05 +0000

I’ll say right up front that I think the racism that I see (indeed the little monkey clown thing) is unintentional. I betcha the t-shirt was designed by a kid and I am 99.9% sure that the kid who designed this didn’t say, “I think it would be awesome to use this unschooling conference as an opportunity for some ironic old school racism.”

(This is a t-shirt for the unschoolers conferences that happens up in Sandusky. Again, click to see bigger. I’ll also give you the heads up that the gathering is mostly made up of white families.)

I think what’s going on here is privilege because someone should have caught this and said, “Whoa! This is not the kind of message we meant to send and certainly could be extremely offensive to our black families. Let’s err on the side of caution, shall we? And not let our good intentions allow a logo that could be misconstrued.”

So basically, those of you who said, ok I can see it but it wasn’t intentional — do you think it’s ok for the conference logo? If someone does say, “Hey this image offends me” should they change it? Or is it enough to say, well, I see where you’re coming from but we didn’t MEAN for it to be offensive so please assume our good intentions and buy the t-shirt anyway. Do good intentions cover all ills?

Because I think missing the potential of this image to be insulting is privilege but I think making excuses for it once you can see it is racist.

Personally the image looks way too much like this or this or this for me to feel comfortable buying one of the conference t-shirts and I think someone should have caught it and the fact that no one did is disappointing to me.

And you know, assuming that some enterprising young unschooling kid designed this, what a wonderful opportunity to talk about historical images of racism and how what was meant to be (I assume?) a happy clown could turn into a PR nightmare with some bad choices at the printers. I’m sure the organizers (because again, I’m assuming this was unintentional, too) would appreciate the heads up and the chance to make good. Which is why I’m gonna write and say something.

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Do you think this is racist?

Dawn — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 02:51:19 +0000

We’re having a discussion at potluck. Lemme know in the comments! Thanks! (on and click to make bigger)

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Riding up that hill

Dawn — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 01:32:36 +0000

When I was a kid our house lived at the top of a hill. I would ride down the hill so that I could cross the backyards of our neighbors by the river and head into 4500. This was the neighborhood next to ours with sprawling properties including a Victorian mansion with a widow’s walk and a zip line that went on forever.

The way home was daunting because I was already tired and I still had to make it up that hill to get home and get to dinner. Sometimes I had to get off of my bike and walk it at the very end but after awhile I learned that the secret to making it all the way up the hill on my bike without stopping was to keep my eyes down on my feet pushing the pedals until I felt the road give way and I was at the top. If I looked up sooner I would see how far I still had to go and then I would give up. If I looked up too soon, I’d never make it.

Later in Al-Anon I learned that this was a way of taking it One Day at a Time. One push on the pedals at a time. One step at a time. That’s what I’m doing now and as long as I can keep my head down and breathe deep, it’s ok.

I got off track with grad school thrown by my flu and the GRE not happening when I wanted and then happening when I was sick and my total abject stage fright whenever I thought of my personal statement. I just sat there looking at how far I had to go and not doing a damn thing to get there. It was all too scary and overwhelming and I didn’t even know what questions to ask to make it easier so I just sat there and thought about how stupid I’d feel if I missed the deadline.

On Saturday, Becca had what my dad calls “a come to Jesus talk.” (Which is funny when you realize that my dad, Becca and I are all Jewish.) And it worked. I got her email. I cried a little bit. I sent one back and then I went downstairs and got to work.

Yesterday I hit “submit” on my grad school application. Next week I’ll hit “submit” on the next one.

Thanks Becca! I needed it.

This is hard going.

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I’d never lie to you

Dawn — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:38:15 +0000

Wavybrains said:

I also walk around wondering how “everyone else” manages to cook from scratch, wrangle toddlers, get writing time, get family time, and work on top of it. What’s funny is that I had you squarely in the “Everyone else” category–I’m always amazed at everything you manage to get done and everything you do with the kids.

Hahahahahahahaha! I really would never lie to you although circumstances dictate that sometimes I might fib by omission. But I never meant to pretend that things were awesome. I guess all those buck myself up entries came out too literal and there were glistening moments of awesomeness — just enough to keep me trucking on.

Here’s the truth to how I get everything done: I give stuff up. Like I get into a regular exercise routine but it’s the first thing to fall by the wayside when anything unexpected happens. And I don’t eat right. I scrounge left-overs off the kids plates and my good intentioned bagged salads go soggy and rotten in the crisper. I don’t get enough sleep and because I am not one of those people who can get by on little sleep, I end up depressed and function poorly — forgetting dates and things like basic vocabulary. (I can get by with my insomnia chewing on my psyche but sooner or later I have to sleep in to catch up or I am DOOMED and when I am this anxious, my insomnia is in high gear.) And my house is awful. I’ve never been a clean-freak but even I am ashamed at the state of my home. Also the kids aren’t doing as much homeschooling stuff as I would like. Especially Madison. And I pick fights with Brett because I’m tired and sad and angry about being tired and sad.

There is just no time. Not for the things that matter to me anyway and I am done with putting those things off and telling myself that someday I’ll get to do it again. I tell Brett — when’s someday? When the kids are grown? I can’t do this that long! (For the record, Brett is nothing but supportive because he is Brett.)

I feel negative all the time (I’m emailing with someone in another window who is in the same straits. It’s a relief to see that it’s NOT me — it’s trying to function under circumstances that have become impossible) and I’m angry all the time. Angry at the world. Angry at people who haven’t had to make the sacrifices that I’ve had to make. Angry at myself. I’ve called myself an idiot more times than I can count. (As my friend just emailed, “Yeah, anger plus self-doubt. A tasty brew.” Oh indeed it is, my friends.)

And I cry. A LOT. On the phone to my mother. On the couch in front of the kids. In the car with Brett. Oh boy do I cry.

It’s situational and I know what the situation is and I know it has to change. And now that I’ve decided to change it, I am happier. I will be happier still when I’ve actually changed it and then I’ll blog in more detail but for now, I’m going with hope because the day-to-day stuff is killing me. Because there are two things that matter to me more than anything: My Family and My Writing. If I don’t have time for those two things, it all sucks no matter how good it is. And I don’t have time for those two things and this is no longer working for me. I’m not gonna apologize for it anymore (although I probably will still feel a little guilty about it because I know what I need to get by is maybe more than what other people need and I am very ambivalent about this but I will write more on that later).

this woman's work, 2009. | Permalink | 19 comments so far | Come on by and comment!