Maybe we’ll get to go in a couple of weeks, when things mellow out again. I hope so, anyway, because we’ll need to do a “shakedown” trip before we have the big, nearly week long one at the end of June. I’m hoping we’ll go quite a bit in July and August, as well.

We’re about to get things situated for our son, although he needs a TV, so he can watch movies and such in his room. Hopefully he can get a nice new flat screen & can just hook the cable up to it. Thankfully, he won’t need one of those converter digital box thingies, since we do have cable and all. I think he’ll be in the market for a used dresser and a bed frame, too, since he just has two mattresses on the floor & has to hang all of his clothes on a rack over the door. Things are looking up for him & he’s lookig forward to his first paycheck. I’m excited for him!

I need to feel the sun on my skin, to start turning brown. I don’t use tanning spray or anything, and I make sure I do use a sunblock if I’m going to be in direct sun for an extended period, but I still manage to get a little color on my body. I don’t think it would feel like Summer to me if I was still fish-belly white, you know? I just think the sun is there for us to enjoy & I hate using chemicals on my body so much. I don’t use any chemicals or factory produced cleaners in my home, and very few in my bath, so it’s hard for me to justify covering my skin with a bunch of smelly gunk every time I go outside.

I rather doubt that it’s going to happen, but we do get the trailer ready for camping season, regardless. I’ll do it all by myself if I have to, honestly. I’m not sure how to do the water, though. Anyway, he’s awake & there’s stuff needing to be done, so I think it’s time to get dressed & get started!

I’m going to go through my clothes & get rid of a bunch of shirt & things. I have a ton of custom t-shirts that were made for specific events, or renaissance faires from the past that I just don’t need anymore & would probably better serve us as cleaning rags. I know there are a lot of things elsewhere that we just don’t need anymore and can be donated to someone else. I want a clutter-free life, both physically & emotionally!

We didn’t celebrate our daughter’s birthday. She decided that she hates all of the day before, and that asking to be on her meds, sober & wearing clothes her butt doesn’t hang out of was more than was fair & lashed out. I had all of her things moved out of our home & work shop by mid-afternoon on Saturday. I’m done. I just can’t live like this anymore. I’m tired of the accusations, tired of her greed, lies and jealousy and just everything else. In one breath, she’s saying that gifts don’t matter (we spent the last of our extra cash paying for her medical insurance for the year) and in the next is furious that I didn’t “buy” her a phone (like we apparently did for her brother) and couldn’t be bothered to buy her a $.50 card or plan a separate day for her birthday party. The truth of the matter was that I couldn’t afford to have two different things going on right now. (and our son’s phone was free & he pays for his own service)

I feel like every day I’m being forced to make Cleopatras Choice; unhappiness or death? My happiness or her’s? Eat for a week or buy her something? It’s just crazy. She’s 22 years old, why am I still responsible for throwing her a birthday party? If I want one, I throw it myself, you know? I have no problem with what she chooses to do, if she wants to drink & drug herself to death, that’s her business. I have my own choice & that’s to not be around her when she’s using & drinking. I’ve made that choice, but now I just don’t want to be around her at all. I promised myself that the first time she said she hated me as an adult, I was done. She knows what it means, and she knows how it hurts, and I won’t play that game anymore.

In other things, our daughter-from-another-mother & youngest granddaughter are starting an amazing journey today. They leave for Job Corps this afternoon, and a brand new start in their lives. We’re so excited for Morgan & hope she has an amazing journey, although we will miss Dani horribly.

So, today I’ll probably spend my time transferring ritual, changing the nectar in the hummingbird feeders & trying to figure out a way organize the spices in my cabinet, so I can keep the organized & am able to find the freaking cumin when I need it! One of my biggest problems is that the only cabinet I have to keep spices in is super tiny & above the stove, where I’d rather not have them, but have no choice. My kitchen is very small & I have few cabinets to begin with. I may end up having to keep them elsewhere, just to save my own sanity.

Other than that, I’m pretty much using 100% homemade cleaners in the house now. I’m still using store bought shampoo & conditioner, but that’ll end as soon as it’s gone & I switch to no ‘poo again. I feel so good about the whole process, knowing I’m providing a clean home for my family, without poisoning them with a bunch of unknown chemicals in the mix. Not to mention the money I’m saving on top of it all!

Our feelings about situations aren’t infallible, and I need to stop acting like I have a built in alarm system that tells me when something is wrong. Heck, even Home Alarms make mistakes sometimes, right? At any rate, it’s all good & she’s back to her meetings and still acting like she’s doing the right thing & that’s all that really matters at this stage in the game.

I have a bunch of friends coming over for dinner tonight & I couldn’t even be bothered to clean the kitchen, other than getting the dishes done. The counter we serve food from most likely looks terrible, since it isn’t in the greatest shape to begin with. Someone used vinyl floor tiles on it instead of something like mannigton laminate when they built it and it’s starting to lift up & warp. That’s about the only thing about my kitchen I’m not crazy about & would change if I could.

The point is that I should care more about it right now than I do & I blame the endless situation with my daughter. I need to stop letting her disease ruin my life.

I long to be sitting around a campfire, surrounded by people playing Hofner Guitars, toasting marshmallows & relaxing. I can’t sit around any longer & worry about what my daughter’s doing to herself & if she’s dead or in jail anymore. It’s already taking it’s toll again this year. I have never wanted to run away more than I do these days.