I was still in contact with my father when I first went away to university.  I’m not sure why but I think it was rooted in a sense of familial duty.

Because even after everything he had done, he was still my father.

And I loved him.

It wasn’t until further into my freshman year that I finally cut off contact.  (Until that point, I spoke with him every couple of weeks.)

One day, as he was in the middle of a they’ve-done-me-wrong-monologue I realized that I simply couldn’t remember anything positive.  Every conversation was a merry-go-round of health complaints, work related negativity, and a litany of poor me’s.

He was using me as a mental toilet, a dumping ground for his emotional crap and negativity.  And he was expecting me to take it, to wallow in it with him, to validate his point of view.

I stopped him mid sentence and asked “Dad, do you have anything positive to say to me?”  And when he told me ‘no’, I said “Ok, well I have to go.”  And I did.

For years.

Physical v. Emotional Abuse

One thing people don’t understand about abuse is the idea that emotional abuse is almost always worse than physical abuse.  The terror is rooted in their emotional behavior towards us.  Behavior that menaces, that diminishes us to nothing.  Darkness that bruises our soul.

It is the emotional component that makes us believe that we deserve to be treated like that.  And mistreated physically.

Yet we are so casual about accepting negativity in our own lives.

How negative is negative?

When someone belittles, berates, or constantly criticizes, it is because they feel that they are entitled to treat us this way.  That they are allowed to minimize us.

These people are bullies.

If someone hits you once, is that physical abuse?  Or do you just assume they’ve had a bad day?  Of course not!  But if someone makes a nasty comment, we usually brush it off…or worse, a little piece of our heart listens and accepts.

The Truth

If we have no sense of self, no ego to protect, words could never harm us.

Cultivating a connection with the truth comes a spiritual knowing that this darkness can only harm us if we accept it and on this level comes the understanding that we are choosing to be in pain.

It’s knowledge rooted in the realization that negativity is about the giver, that it is the hurt in their being yearning to be expressed.

A Deeper Truth

We are not separate.
We are never alone.
We are infinitely connected in ways we have yet to fully understand.

If we are so connected, does it serve the collective ‘us’ to participate in this muted hating?  Even if the bullet causes us no damage?

Or, as mindful beings, do we stand and act as a focal point…as a mirror?  And lovingly create and opportunity for growth?

Me

This is something that, quite honestly, I’ve struggled to reach an understanding with and Erin’s comment nailed on “Marriage on The Brink“

How could you detach and not take comments personally? How could you remain positive?

Maybe you can “just be”.

Try to find something to be grateful for in your situation.

Finally, try some meditation (I like centering prayer) to let go of your anger.

Is anger bad?  Even when it’s justified?  Is it simply a manifestation of emotional pain, a signal from your heart that something is broken?  Is it neutral, neither good nor bad, until you act on it?  Or is anger itself violent?

As an adult, my strategy has been simply to disengage from any situations that would press those buttons.  So I’ve sidestepped the environments in which I would be angry, instead of directly connecting with it.

But feeling trapped in Tennessee gave me nowhere to go.

‘Should’

I knew that I should forgive my father yet it was a process that I wrestled with for the better part of two decades.  I ‘dealt’ with it time and time again, thinking that I had attained the peace of mind and heart that I had been searching for.

Only to be struck with the realization that I hadn’t.

I’d feint and retreat, approach from another angle try again.  I felt like an artist with a piece of clay.  The clay needed to be, but each approach created something other than what it was.  Yet I was still called to bring it into being.

So I don’t know how long I’ll be dancing with anger…it could be another two decades before I can really grok what it needs to be.

Claim Your Power

At it’s most basic, negativity is simply suppressed anger.  Negativity negates – it refuses to act, to consent – it contradicts and stands in opposition to.

It is a passive aggressive emotion expressed by those who feel powerless.

Whether or not anger itself is faulty, refusing to acknowledge the reality of our experiences impedes living fully and authentically.  And while striving for perfection is admirable, it is important to be honest with ourselves about where we really are in relation to our goal.

And from the truth comes our power.

FYI, this is a totally personal post and not really related to self-improvement or personal development in general.  If you are looking for tips on dealing with a marriage on the brink, may I suggest Simple Marriage.

For those of you who don’t know, last June Chris and I picked up and relocated to 10 miles outside of Jackson, Tennessee.  Why?  His mother was diagnosed with a rare form of liver cancer and given 8 months to live.

There is a connection between Chris and his mother, a deep well of love and respect and something else I can’t quite place my finger on…something on a soul level.

Our purpose in going was to give Chris and his mother the opportunity to be in each others’ presence until she passed.  My purpose in being there, instead of staying in Raleigh, was to emotionally support Chris through what would be an undoubtedly agonizing time for him.

At least, that was the plan.

While she is not out of the woods by any means, his mother’s cancer is in remission!

And while that is spectacular news, it also completely changed the dynamic for why we were there.

And it also brought up THE ISSUE in our marriage.  Not just once but over and over again.  THE ISSUE is the reason I almost called off our wedding the night before.  THE ISSUE is the reason that, sometimes in the dead of night, I wonder if I made a mistake in marrying him.

It’s better manageable in the clear light of day but I have to confess that I have been extremely angry these past 6 months.  Connecting with inner awesome was beyond challenging and not being able to dance (my connection to source) further damaged my calm.

I have not been living or growing or connecting, I have been fully occupied with keeping my thoughts, opinion, and anger to myself.  To be fair, some of it has slipped through the cracks and I’d dream of being able to say exactly what’s on my mind to the people here.

So when I spoke to our house sitters on Saturday, I can’t tell you how heart breakingly happy I was.  The walls of the Love Bungalow are painted, new floors installed, kittens ready to be adored.  And I am ready to be home.

His mother wants him to stay and has mentioned it on more than one occasion.  But if anything is clear to me, it’s that I absolutely cannot.  I am not ready or able, nor do I desire to make the kind of concessions it would take to live here.  And if I’m fully honest with myself, I could never integrate into his family dynamic.

I have spent my entire life seeking the truth, identifying and solving problems.  It’s how I handled child abuse.  The foster home.  Embracing darkness with a plan and the determination to carry it out.

His family leaves negativity unacknowledged, as if it will go away if they all ignore it.  Ugly things are said under the guise of teasing and affection.  No one is held accountable for their actions, no matter how heinous.

I fundamentally disagree with their entire family culture and I’m in a position where I can say nothing about it, nor can I stand up for myself or my husband.

There are so many ’shoulds’ floating around that I can barely breathe.  Their expectations and mine so wholly in opposition, on matters I never imagined before we came, that the atmosphere is stifling.

And I’ve been listening to the litany of “that’s just how they are” for the last six months.

Raleigh is not only my home, it’s come to symbolize everything I believe about rocking an incredible life.  How we choose the people we allow in our lives.  That we choose how we want to be treated.  We are the architect and engineer of our phenomenal experience.

When I left the legal field, I promised myself that never again would I place myself in a position where things were so wrong and the balance of power so shifted that I could never speak up.  And yet, I did it all over again, even if it was with the best intentions.

Above feeling stupid, I feel guilty.  I wonder if only I was a better person, more enlightened, maybe I could have been the daughter-in-law they were expecting.  That I could have sucked it up and cooked and cleaned for the entire family, that I could ignore the spiteful comments and subtle digs.  That I could eliminate the urge to stand up for myself and my husband.

But, for better or for worse, I am not that person.

And yet I am still so angry.  What I am capable of doing was completely unappreciated.  The comprehensive legal advice, the hours spent reorganizing his mother’s office, the constant picking up in the kitchen, undertaking massive shopping trips because it is inconvenient and takes two hours and they have better things to do than shop for essentials.

Not to mention that Chris even wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t completely rearranged our lives.

Because that’s what I do, I identify problems and then solve them.  (And usually manage to organize something along the way.)  I study human nature…even if I don’t like what I find.  Even if it’s me.

The truth is that I don’t like what I’ve been since I’ve been here.  And I don’t like what Chris has been since he’s been here.  Watching him fit right into the culture of “there’s no problem if we all ignore it” has greatly diminished my opinion of and respect for him.

Watching is killing little pieces of me.

And this is exactly how people fall out of love with their partners.  One doubting thought, one negative opinion at a time.  Each “Is this the kind of father he will be?”

So I’m faced with a choice.

His mother is not out of the woods by any means and she loves having him here.  Do I leave without him?  And maybe time spent apart will make the heart grow fonder?  Or will that simply be the final nail in the coffin.

Or do I bring him back with me?  Knowing that I will never come back to this place?  Or will a broken dynamic be exacerbated with no one else in the picture.

I want to leave without him but in my heart I know that’s the ‘angry’ choice.  Like by abandoning him physically, he’ll understand how he abandoned me emotionally.

Yet, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the wrong choice, simply a case of making the right choice for the wrong reason.

All I know is that if I had a time machine, I would completely undo the last 6 months.

Actually “C” is for Monsterbling!

I know it sounds funny, but I’m totally serious because Monsterbling is  a contest with a capital “C”.

…and the “C” stands for creativity!

Katie, of the jewelry-tastic Vaka Design, has decided to give away a hand crafted Roman Sapphire Pendant to the winner of the Monsterbling contest.

…because she’s either crazy or the most amazing person ever!

Sapphire.  Gold.  In other words, bling.  And all you have to do is submit an image of a monster by November 15!

She’ll announce the winner on November 18 and she’s promised to get her drink on during the judging, so really it’s anybody’s game. 

Bring on the Monsterbling!

Compared to the average person, I’ve lived in a lot of places.

Austin, TX
San Antonio, TX
Daytona Beach, FL
Deland, FL
Miami, FL
Gainesville, FL
Orlando, FL
Raleigh, NC
Jackson, TN

Also, compared to the average person, I want to live in a lot more places!

There’s a lot of Florida and Texas on that list but I’d like a little more international on there too!  Chris and I like Toronto, Munich, London, Zurich, Antwerp, and we are investigating Australia and New Zealand, as well as places in Central America.

Plus we have our eyes on a lot more American cities.

New York City, NY
Chicago, IL
Boulder, CO
Portland, OR
Portland, ME
Asheville, NC

The point is, instead of traveling the world, I want to make the world my home.  In order to do this, however, you need to rock a game plan.

Travel lightly!

I used to have a rule that I wouldn’t own any more than would fit in my car but that only works when you live by yourself.

(Let’s just say my husband has enough boxes of Dungeons & Dragons to take up an entire trunk!)

For the most part, however, everything we own can fit into one U-Haul truck and our car.  That’s one reason why I almost never purchase anything unless I can figure out a way to make it multi-functional.

Never underestimate the value of nostalgia!

Don’t jettison items of deeply sentimental meaning to make room.  It is these things that can ground you in a new and unfamiliar place, that can remind you of what is important in your life.

It’s important, however, to understand the concept of deeply sentimental.  While everything you own has a story and has been woven into the fabric of your life, not everything is a part of who you need to become.

Back up your information!

While no system is fail safe, backing up your information provides a huge measure of psychological comfort, as well as creating a safeguard against losing irreplaceable information.

Digitize family photos and videos, scan all of your tax returns and deeds/titles to property, and back up your computers on a regular basis!

My desktop computer recently crashed and I lost almost no information because we had a recent backup.  If Chris and I are in living in Auckland, we wouldn’t have the luxury of being able to recover all of our information.

Know thyself!

In order to be happy in any given location, I know that I need a combination of

dancing
water
sushi
books, university
lushness
diversity
cycling
high speed internet connection

And while I might not be able to have all of these, I can work with “most” as long as dancing is in the picture. Yes, it is that important for me.

You probably have something equally important to you that you can’t live without.  You need to know what this is so that you can realistically investigate your options.

Be flexible!

While dancing is crazy important for my happiness, I had to adapt to the dancing culture of each city to make it work.

When I moved to Orlando, especially coming from Miami, I was severely disappointed in their dance scene.

…until I learned to stretch beyond my comfort zone and try new styles of music and dancing!

You may have to be creative or adapt to a new location in unanticipated ways to meet your “musts”.  It’s important to remember that your ability to adapt may well determine your success and happiness in an unfamiliar location.

Rock the internet!

The digital footprint of a city can tell you a lot about that city.  You can glean enough information to decide if it warrants further investigation.

(I like bouncing around City Search, as well as periodically keeping an eye on Craigslist and Career Builder.)

Visit!

There simply is no substitute for visiting a city in person.  You can get a feel for the culture of a city.  Believe me, there is a huge difference between the energy of Miami and Jackson, Tennessee.

This also gives you the opportunity to investigate local employment and business opportunities!

This is how I learned that Raleigh was more ‘conservative’ than Orlando when it came to employment.  Law firms in Raleigh expected to see longevity over skill set and were extremely reluctant to step outside a predetermined scale of pay.

Jump!

It’s natural to fear the unknown, especially when the unknown involves completely rearranging your life…or your family’s life.

While I don’t believe in moving when your children are in high school, I do believe that children can benefit from “stable flexibility”.  Children, if you have them, are pretty resilient and can adapt to a new environments quickly.

Moving every year?  Not a great idea.  Moving after 3-5 years?  An adventure!

And speaking of calendars, did you know that your calendar is an important tool for helping you rock the universe?!

Here’s how…

Keep track of progress.

To stay focused on a goal, it’s important to track daily progress toward that goal!

Before we moved to the middle of nowhere, my focus was on reducing our expenses.  (The point is now moot since we are far, far away from sources of temptation!)  I wrote down the amount of money that we spent each day and totaled it at the end of the month.  It was phenomenal for helping me see how little expenses are a constant hemorrhaging of our financial resources.

You can use this technique to stay motivated to lose weight, become a better athlete, or even become a better parent!

Write down goals.

It’s also important to keep your goals in front of you, every day.  This reminds us of what is important to you and can help you maintain momentum toward your dreams!

Remember, though, that your goal is not your goal.

Your goal isn’t to lose weight…it’s to be ubersexy or radiantly healthy or able to keep up with your kids.  Those are the dreams that are real and connecting with that will help you change your life.

Use stickers!

Basically they’re the stickers teachers give to kids in elementary school that say stuff like “Awesome!” and “Great Job!”  (At least that’s what my stickers say.)

After I do something really spectacular, like make a ton of progress on a project, I peruse my stickers for the perfect sentiment to display on my calendar.

When I organized my mother-in-law’s office, a massive 12 hour undertaking, I busted out the “Beautiful Work!” sticker with no shame in my game!

I love looking back on the month and seeing the gorgeousness.  Each sticker represents an accomplishment and being able to use them makes me feel a little giddy…and a lot awesome.

Keep track of dates that motivate.

When we take on major obligations, there is usually a date that the process is complete.  That’s an important date.

Like knowing when your home is supposed to be completely paid off.  Or when you’re done repaying a student loan.  The day your kids leave for college.

And because I’m fascinated by it, I also keep track of the end of the world.  Like April 13, 2029 which is that date that an asteroid passes close enough to the earth for us to determine whether it will hit us on April 13, 2036.

I don’t know about you but I like being reminded that there is more to our lives than watching tv.

Be inspired to take action.

Find out what speaks to you, what dreams make you uncomfortable with sitting still and go out and claim that.  Don’t be afraid to use every tool at your disposal.

…and maybe you can hack your calendar to rock your life!

Guess who was excited about starting school every year because it meant fresh and fabulous school supplies.  Guess!  Guess who!!

I mean new packs of paper, new pens, and new calendars, who wouldn’t love that.

Typically I’ve always preferred a standard monthly layout for a calendar so I can see everything at once but that was until I stumbled across…

THE MOST AMAZING CALENDAR EVER CONCEIVED.

I discovered the Weekdate calendar last April and was heartbroken because I would have to wait months to get my own.

But now I am ready for 2010 and have placed my order!  (It’s on the way!)

Just a heads up, a la FTC notifcations, Weekdate is not compensating me in any way for this but if they wanted to send me a calendar to give away on TTi then I would TOTALLY BE OK WITH THAT.

In fact, that sounds like a pretty good idea!  Should I give away a Weekdate calendar?  Would you participate?

Dyslexia is a word I can almost never type correctly the first time.  (Dyselxia!) It’s also the thing I didn’t realize I had until college!

What is dyslexia?

Dyslexia is a learning disorder that “manifests itself primarily as a difficulty with reading and spelling”.  Scientists believe that it is a neurological disorder, which kind of makes sense because it pretty much feels like you have some wires crossed upstairs.

It is important to note that dyslexia does not indicate either an impaired or advanced intelligence such as Aspberger or Down Syndrome.  Anyone, at any level of intelligence, can have dyslexia!

Signs and Symptoms

The problem, whenever it comes to the brain, is that there is almost never a definitive symptomology for a neurological disorder.

Everyone’s brain “evolves” differently and in large part to individual stimuli.

So while we can point to chicken pox, we can only say that someone appears to be exhibiting behavior indicative of a specific disorder and that behavior will vary between individuals.

(To find a general outline of symptoms by age, go here.)

Does it stop with Dyslexia?

Dyslexia often “co-occurs” with other neurological disorders though the medical community does not know if they share an underlying cause.

• Dysgraphia – writing or typing (I have this)
• Dyscalculia – numbers (also this)
• Dyspraxia – difficulty carrying out routine tasks
• Cluttering -  rhythm and rate of speech

Dyslexia can also be exacerbated by “auditory processing disorder” which is basically where I hit the mother lode.

Auditory processing disorder is essentially when something goes in one ear and comes out mangled because your brain doesn’t always correctly process what it hears.

You can imagine how much fun that was when I was receptionist whose job it was to take messages and write down numbers all day.  In fact, that was when I actually realized I had a problem!

The Brain Farts

Until that job, I was never in a position where I so comprehensively dealt with data.  So when I had issues before, I simply chalked it up to a mental slip and kept on trucking.

It wasn’t until I made stupid mistake after stupid mistake that I realized there was something bigger happening.

Head Investigator

The brain is pretty amazing and infinitely adaptable.  This means that it is more than possible to circumvent our mental handicaps!

Difficulty with word retrieval or naming problems. This one drives me absolutely crazy as someone who has a larger-than-average vocabulary.  I can almost taste the word I want, I just can’t…touch it but I can sense what it feels like.

And you can’t just plug in any old word with a similar meaning because the texture and denotation of the original is lost!

Nothing is more frustrating than being stopped dead in your linguistic tracks because your brain won’t work.

HOW I HANDLE THIS:
Immediate use of the internet and online thesaurus.  If I can’t remember exactly what I want, I can usually work my way sideways toward the information I want.

SURPRISE BENEFIT:
I’m an amazing researcher.

Slow or inaccurate reading. This doesn’t usually kick in until I need to read for specificity.  Then my brain goes all foggy and my focus keeps sliding away from the details.

I am actually a pretty fast reader (almost 2 pages a minute) but only because I learned to read in “patterns” when I was a child.  I don’t actually read word for word but skip through a sentence absorbing the ’sense’ of each word that is then assembled into an actual story.

HOW I HANDLE THIS:
If I need to read for accuracy, I have to take notes.  I first use textual clues to create and outline of important information and then fill in the outline by breaking my reading down into organically occurring sections.

I also have found that it is easier to read “paper” than a screen for detailed and technical information.  So I print anything that I have to plow through for detail.

SURPRISE BENEFIT:
I can categorize and organize information quickly and efficiently.  Also, I’m awesome at trouble shooting printers.

Poor spelling. Honestly, this is why writers have editors.

HOW I HANDLE THIS:
Spell check!

SURPRISE BENEFIT:
Learning enhanced methodology.  Write, review, spell check, review on paper, come back and review in an hour.  I always assume I’ve made a mistake which sometimes makes them easier to find.

Difficulty with time keeping and concept of time. I always always always substantially underestimate the time it takes me to do things, drive places, or finish projects.

HOW I HANDLE THIS:
I try not to ever keep projects.  I do them as soon as possible and hand them back as quickly as I can.

Additionally, I try to avoid estimating how long it will take me to do but instead estimate when I will return it.  (Like “first thing in the morning” versus “20 minutes”.)

I also do my best to keep from “cutting it close”.  It’s almost impossible for me to do this without being late and I definitely hate being rushed.

SURPRISE BENEFIT:
People respect my time because I can establish firm boundaries regarding project completion.

Difficulty with organization skills. People will be surprised that I’ve had difficulty with this because I am an organizational goddess.

But the fact is that I had a very hard time with handling my stuff until I went to a foster home and the process of internalizing organizational methodology wasn’t really complete until I left for college.

HOW I HANDLE THIS:
First, I don’t own too much stuff.  It is infinitely harder to organize a lot than a little.

Second, I put things back immediately.  I mean immediately.

Third, I keep the memory of my childhood home as motivation for why.  It was awful and I mean awful.  My father is a hoarder, as is my brother, grandmothers, mother, aunts and uncles.  Every home I lived in or visited was so full of junk there was no room to live.

SURPRISE BENEFIT:
My home is zen.  And I’ve learned how to use systems and methodology to compensate for my mental funkiness.

Difficulty comprehending rapid instructions, following more than one command at a time or remembering the sequence of things.

The most heartbreaking embarrassment I’ve ever experienced occurred when I tried out for our local magnet school’s dance program in middle school.  Not only did I not make it, I flamed out.

The try out consisted of a demonstration of a quick series of steps which we were immediately expected to repeat.

I probably could have saved myself the trouble and just twirled around in a circle until the music stopped.

HOW I HANDLE THIS:
I carry paper and pen, even to the bathroom!  I can’t tell you how invaluable this was at work.  It didn’t matter that you were at lunch or on your way to the restroom if an attorney wanted to make sure you followed up on something.

I also use my waitressing days to effectively assist this process.  When you wait tables, you always recite the order back to confirm that you have a mutual understanding of what you are going to deliver.

Being able to do this from writing has saved my bacon at the office more times than I’m comfortable with!  Remember, the burden of proof is always on the subordinate.

SURPRISE BENEFIT:
I almost never ‘lose’ any of my creative ideas because I have paper and pen permanently on my person.  Also, I know how to CYA like a muthafucka.

Reversals of letters (b for d) and a reversal of words (saw for was). This is pretty rampant, especially when I am writing or typing in a stream-of-consciousness style.

HOW I HANDLE THIS:
I pretty much know that I will mix up specific pairs of words like know and now, their and there.

So I stay vigilant for these words!

SURPRISE BENEFIT:
Most of the time I can prevent myself from looking stupid and illiterate.

Living with dyslexia isn’t always easy, but it doesn’t have to torpedo your success or inhibit your abilities if you can creatively work around it!

The opportunity exists, right now, to make a difference.  To set your intention to change the world.

In honor of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, bloggers from across the globe have united to compile their most inspirational and healing posts to support the Susan G. Komen for the Cure foundation.

The book is free but we hope that you can contribute toward this amazing goal, every dollar is important.

The articles touch on many different topics and issues but the goal is the same, to help you change your life when you help others change theirs.

Start here for more information!

You don’t have to be a woman to care about breast cancer either.  Breast cancer affects men as well and can be equally deadly.

This disease could be affecting someone you know right now.  My mother in law has spent 10 years fighting breast cancer (she’s had it twice) and eventually needed a mastectomy.

When I was working on “Needles for Noodles” (a project to knit hats for people going through chemotherapy) I was approached by so many people whose lives have been irrevocably touched by cancer.

And you can help make a difference today.

In addition to the “Blog 4 Cause” e-book that is available, you will also receive a bonus e-book from life coach and author, Tim Brownson.  Tools to help you immediately and dramatically make a difference in your life too!