When Farrah Fawcett got to heaven, and went through the pearly gates, she was greeted by God.

“Wow!” exclaimed the Holy Ghost. “We really enjoyed your work here. Especially Charlie’s Angels! I still have a poster in my office of you with that red bikini!”

Farrah is a little taken aback. “Thank you, Lord…”

Jehovah goes on, “Well, I have a special reward for you. I’m prepared to grant you one wish. Have anything in mind?”

Not one to act selfish and change God’s opinion of her, Farrah thinks for a second and decides upon a wish. “I’d like for all the children of the world to be safe and sound forever.”

“Done!” exclaims the Heavenly Father. He snaps, and Michael Jackson appears next to Farrah.

[via]

Bonus joke!

Q: What time did Michael Jackson die?
A: 3:15 - when the big hand is touching the little hand.

[via]

You have a year, unlimited funds, and the choice of one skill to learn in that time. What is it?

Discuss.

Anyway. Anyways? Whichever form of the word is supposedly appropriate, insert here.

I’ve been focusing my posting attention on sites that don’t require quite the attention span or level of focus that a blog does. Because let’s face it, my prose here is so exquisite and extraordinarily clever that it clearly requires OODLES of time to read. And all the best literature uses words like “oodles,” in all caps no less.

Again, anyway. What was I saying?

Ah yes, sites that don’t require long bouts of attention. Sites like Twitter. And Tumblr. They just seem to fit my style more - short little bursts of info, little nuggets of thought as-they-happen. Writing in 140 characters or less makes one think about what exactly they’re trying to say rather than just word-vomiting into a textarea field. So… as I said, I’ve been posting to those sites pretty exclusively.

I’m going to try to post to my Tumblr stream more regularly from now on. I’ve generally tried to limit the range of topics to more technology- and web-based stuff, especially social/digital media and the like. Of course, I’m not afraid to throw in a LOLcat once in a while. I’m also going to work on improving the design… it’s not the greatest aesthetically, I know.

So… rather than feverishly checking here every couple hours to see if I’ve posted any new Pulitzer-worthy blogs, head over to my Tumblr stream instead.

Of course, it’d be awesome if I could pull a Peter Petrelli (early Peter, not Volume 4 Peter) and just rake in the powers as I go, collecting them Pokemon-style. Gotta catch ‘em all!

In more or less the order of my wanting-ness:

One: Psionics. This includes but is certainly not limited to telekinesis (bending the spoon with your mind), telepathy (only if it’s on demand rather than always-on), and mind control. Think Sylar + Matt Parkman. Technically you could do just about everything else on the list with enough control over telekinesis. Flight, shielding, strength augmentation, whatever. If you can control down to the atomic level, you can walk through walls, go invisible, command electricity, whatever. It’s like the ultimate power. And of course if you’re Sylar you can always go for the can opener effect.

Speaking of, you’d never have to worry about dropping something in a tight spot, or fetching a drink from the fridge in the other room. Just think (oops, no pun intended) of the possibilities. Of course, some of the next few

Two: Teleportation. Obvious choice here. Clearly, if you had strong enough telekinesis this might not be needed but it’d be pretty damn handy. Although I could see myself getting amazingly lazy. There’s a scene in the movie Jumper where you see Anakin… sorry, Hayden Christensen’s character “jump” from one seat on the couch to one closer to the remote. That’d be me.

Three: Invisibility. Oh come on. What person hasn’t wanted to be invisible at least once in their life, for whatever (likely less-than-noble) reason? It’d be so much fun, even if you leave out the obvious high school locker room fantasy scenarios. Just need to work out that pesky physics problem of keeping the ability to see while invisible. Stupid laws of nature.

Four: Self-healing/Rapid Tissue Regeneration. Had to clarify this one, as it’s not Linderman-style healing (sorry, if you don’t watch Heroes you’re missing a lot of references here) but rather the ability to heal from any wounds inflicted on you. Just like Claire Bennet or Wolverine. Pretty straight-forward here… this one more or less protects you against any unfortunate happenings you may come upon while enjoying the other powers you might have.

Five: Elemental Manipulation. Think Captain Planet, without the cheesy 80s stuff clouding up all the coolness. Or the rings. Not necessarily weather, but elements. I’ll use the Marvel universe here: combine Pyro, Iceman, Dr. Doom, etc. I consider electricity to be an element too, hence the good Doctor. If you’d prefer I stick to Heroes characters, fine: Elle. How cool would it be to have such a show-off power like arcing electricity between your fingertips? I’ve always wanted to do that. But… like I said… with enough control, a strong enough telekinetic could probably do the same thing.

In fact, I think electrical control might actually be one of the more plausible/possible “superpowers” to have. The human body runs on electricity, so why not? Get enough control over the electricity coursing through your body, manage to channel it and extend it outside your body… voila. Maybe. In my dreams, at least. You can’t take that away.

Unless you’re the Haitian.

Photo credits:
jin.thai, icanhascheezburger, and Nano Taboada.

We like the idea of taking a musician/artist out of their habitual context and putting them in a foreign one - we reckon it gives new life to the performance and makes it more interesting to watch.

Holy awesome, Batman. Watch: Jonathan Byers (The Badke Quartet) from Black Cab Sessions. (I’m not allowed to embed it here, sadly.)

I’ve never quite understood people’s fascination with birthdays and the parties that inevitably accompany them. Yeah, today is the nth annual re-occurrence of the date that you were introduced to the world, so what?

Are you telling me that your birth was such a momentous occasion, such a ground-breakingly important event, that we should all celebrate? Nonsense.

Oh, and what’s that? Not only must we gather for merry-making, you want gifts?? You want me to buy you something? Why? You didn’t do anything. If anything I should get your parents something for their effort. Depending on my feelings toward you, maybe it will be something nice as a token of thanks, or it may be a hint to never ever reproduce again after seeing what you turned out as.

I just don’t get it. Birthdays are not special events. So why do people make such a big deal out of them?

Photo by oskay, used under a Creative Commons Attribution License

This Is Why You’re Fat - “Where Dreams Become Heart Attacks.” A tumblelog of photos of food that’s absolutely disgusting. Yet somehow… intriguing.

I don’t think I need to say anything more.

I’d like to continue this blog/journal/rambling nonsense, but I have a feeling it would be far better and far more worthwhile for both of us if I have some sort of purpose to it. Up to now it’s been a mishmash of topics from quotes I’ve found, to things I’ve seen around, to random half-delirious rantings as they come to me. And while that can be fun, there’s no sense of purpose, no actual reason for any of it.

So if I can pick just one or two things and try to concentrate on them, if I can try to guide my ramblings just a little bit, focus them on something, I have a feeling it will make it easier to read and easier to write.

So to you, my dear, dear readers… what should I write about? What would you like someone like me to focus on? Movies? Quotes? Rants? Tech? Other? Nothing (aka “shut the hell up you fool, no one wants to hear you speak!”)?

Help!

[LEGO Brick Keychain]

Package Deal

First up… telecom companies have some weird, tenuous grip on reality. I went to my local Time Warner Cable store (sidenote: I hate having to go to the mall to deal with my cable bill and being forced to listen to flute-like instrumental covers of the Titanic theme song) to see about potentially adjusting my cable/internet package. If there was something cheaper available, I wanted in.

Turns out I’m already on the cheapest plan available, but for some reason if I were to cancel my cable TV plan, my total bill would actually increase. How the hell does that work? I drop a service and end up paying more per month? That makes no sense whatsoever. Okay… done with that topic, just had to rant.

Chinese.

Got home this evening, checked my mailbox, and there’s a flyer for a new Chinese restaurant opening down the street from me (well… way down the street… like 30+ blocks). Okay, great! I love Chinese food. Then I thought, wait, this is a new place? I’ve already seen this flyer. Do all Chinese/Asian restaurants get their flyers/menus from the same place? Every Chinese takeout place I’ve ever been to has used the exact same menu. Not similar, not pretty close, identical. That’s a business I should get into.

Ice.

Real quick on this one. Attention people of the Midwest: ICE IS SLIPPERY. Please make note of this when you’re trying to stop your gargantuan F-450 truck on a dime to turn into the grocery store parking lot. Thanks.

Scams.

Right before I started writing this, I got an e-mail with a “great part time job!” offer. Here’s the deal:

Great part-time job! No fees!

The company of WM offers you an opportunity to have an additional income working from home.

WM is an international company that provides mail and parcel forwarding services on a world scale. Being a prosperous organization with a continuing expansion in its business WM is constantly employing individuals who are interested in the position of Correspondence Agent. Carrying out simple tasks for only a few hours a week appears to be profitable and beneficial.

Job description:
- receiving mail or packages sent to your personal address
- checking correspondence items for external defects and repacking packages when it is necessary
- forwarding received correspondence to its proper destination place via a courier delivery service

Note! All the expenses for correspondence forwarding are covered.

Requirements:
- be 18 years old
- be a citizen of the United States
- P.O. Box address are not acceptable
- be able to respond to e-mails and phone calls every 24 hours
- be financially responsible for handling correspondence

The payment corresponds to the amount of packages\mail forwarded within a set period of time; it is $40 per item!

For immediate consideration send your resume to susanpetmanager@gmail.com

Gee willikers here ya go! Here’s my resumé! Pass. Is it just me or does this sound a little on the shady side? My first thought is “drug trafficking! hooray!” Again, pass. Do feel free to send as much spam as you like to that address, though. I’m totally okay with that. Give and you shall receive, I always say.

Okay I don’t always say that. But still.

Otherwise there’s nothing exciting going on in my life. I don’t really know if I want to keep this blog going much longer… I’m quite aware of the fact I have no meaningful content to contribute to the intarwebs. We’ll see. Maybe if I could find a particular topic or set of topics to post about, I could better define what the point of this thing is. Meh.